SitcomD&D - S2 E4: A Rumspringa of Violence

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

FLASHBACK: With the untimely departure of his beloved wife still bitter in his mouth, Seb receives one final gift from her--a precious keepsake to help Seb find a new meaning in life now that she is gone. But when that keepsake is stolen by some local ruffians, a young Seb goes on a mission to track those people down and get his revenge... is that a flashback I smell?! Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ben, you recently moved. Is that correct? I did move. Everything went really, really good. Except one thing, right? Yeah, except for this one thing. Except for one thing that you told us about before we started recording.

I know. It's not going to be as good the second time. We promised to react organically the first time. Well, Erin's here now, so it's kind of on her. So we got movers this time, and they were great. Oh, sorry. Hold on, hold on, hold on. We'll give you a sign.

They were great. The only one major issue was that they clogged our toilet and were too embarrassed to tell us about it. React now. Aaron, react. Aaron, you gotta react. You gotta react. It's got a big thing.

Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. For this episode, we open in the deep woods at dawn as we follow a human man on a hike through the gentle underbrush. follow a human man on a hike through the gentle underbrush. As we push in, we see that the hiker looks a lot like a much younger and less exhausted version of Seb. And that's because he is. What we are seeing is Seb in the past. And this is our first flashback episode. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice! Buttered biscuit. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Pete at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling

absolutely fabulous on another happy day we're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end so cheers to all our family and our friends starring Erin Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews and our friends.

Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Seb, as you make your way through the deep wood, you push a few branches away and reveal a small clearing

and the humble, idyllic cottage you and your enchanting wife, J.R., call home. It's a stone-walled, thatch-roofed cottage with puffs of smoke gracefully floating out of the chimney. Now, J.R. wasn't feeling well last night, and you decided that in the morning, you would mix some of the herbs that can be found on the outskirts of the woods into her favorite breakfast. So we'll pick up with you entering your home, quietly as not to wake JR, ready to cook her favorite breakfast. How would you like to proceed? I got lichens, yeah. I got sh got shrooms huh i got all the things that make

her belly go yum yum come on gonna yum yum not too loud now because she's asleep and i'm going to make these for my beautiful wife uh i'm just gonna go to the kitchen i'm just so well rested i got like full nine last night i got a good good walk and I just, you know, I just like listen to birds. I'm not even talking to anyone. I'm just happy. What am I even doing? I'm going to make a paste. I'm just going to go make a paste.

Can I make a paste? A paste? Yeah. What is a paste? Just so I know. Are you saying this out loud? Yes. A paste, like a tomato paste.

Yeah, like a paste to help. Are you talking about pasta? To help my wife's belly. Yeah, kind, like a tomato paste. Yeah, like a paste to help- Are you talking about pasta? To help my wife's belly. Yeah, kind of like a pasta. So I'm not going to have you roll for every step of this breakfast that you're going to concoct. What's the end goal of the breakfast? What do you want to end up with? A breakfast paste.

I guess to make something delicious and wonderful and healthy. So I guess like a health check. A health check paste is what you're doing. Perfect. Why don't you- Do a paste roll. Do a medicine roll. 18.

That's a good ass paste, my man. Okay, so the paste is steaming and piping hot, ready to go. What's next? Well, to kind of cook that all down, I'm gonna make some little eggs too. So I open up the windows and I go, and two birds bring over eggs that they're like,

we have too many. And then they give those to me. And I go, thank you so much. I pet them. Did you used to be a Disney princess? I was a lot of things. I was just well rested. All right. It's amazing what you can do with just a full night of rest and just like kind of. Oh, I'm not

a Disney princess. I'm just well rested. Yeah. And so I'm cooking the eggs. I do that. And I got a whole spread. Fresh OJ. It's in the chiller. Yeah. It's just a big block of ice that I just keep things like OJ in. Perfect. So breakfast seems like it's ready to go. All right. So I walk and I burst through the door and I go, three, two, one. I got mushrooms. Yeah, I got shrooms. Yeah, I got. Oh, wait, what was it? Oh, this was so good. I was whispering it before. What did you roll for perception? Honey, I got the stuff that will make you feel good.

Nine. Okay. It just looks like JR isn't getting up. She's not waking up. Hey, babe, are we playing quiet again? Her back is turned to you in the bed. She's under the covers. And you really can't see any part of her right now.

Are we playing a game of silence right now? Because I can be quiet. What's your next move? I'm going to play a game of silence and I'm going to tiptoe and I'm going to sniff the sheets. I'm going to sniff the sheets. Well, that's how you correctly play the game of quiet, of course. Yeah, of silence.

Yeah. And I'm going to go, I am so quiet, but I have found you. And you have been found, Kangaroo! And then I will rip the sheets off. And to reveal, just a couple of pillows and no JR. Okay, are we playing a game of gone? As you move the blankets, you notice a letter fall out of the sheets.

What is this? You notice that it is in JR's handwriting. I don't like writing in the morning. I read in the afternoons. Just in case you're listening, I'm going to read this out loud. Ha ha ha. My dear Sebastian, if you're reading this i'm already gone okay so we are playing a game of gone i wish i could tell you why i'm not in our bed or for how long i'll be away but i can't

i know this must come as a horrible shock and i I'm so sorry. You did not deserve this, and it's clear to me now that I've never deserved you. You're the best man I've ever known, and I will always love you. Sincerely, J.R. Postscript. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving you alone, so I didn't. And so you hear, just in that moment, some sounds coming from underneath the bed, ruffling around. Hello?

One second, let me just finish this. You can name him whatever you want, but I've been calling him Cole because of his black fur. I love you, Seb. And I always will. And when you look down, there's a little all black dire wolf

puppy that's licking your ankle what's up you want some you want some paste I'm proficient in paste and it starts kind of pawing at you and it's kind of whimpering whining it seems like it needs something

okay what do you need? What do you want, huh? I'm freaking wide open right now. It runs in like a quick circle just around itself and then kind of pause and then kind of like tries to paw at the bedroom door. You got somewhere to be? What's going on?

I'm gonna open it. Okay, what do you need, bud? And then it runs out. If you want to roll maybe like perception or investigation to see maybe what he wants or something. Yeah, I'll do investigation. 22, please. Yeah, it just looks like this little pup wants to go to the bathroom.

Oh, me too. You want to do it outside? Let's go. Come on. This is so cute. The paste isn't going anywhere. let's go make some water out there all right open the front door and i go out to the ferns and i i start peeing to lead by example and then the dog or cole i don't know if you've decided to adopt the name that jr has adopted

yeah of course cole defecates in your vegetable garden and does that thing where he kicks up dirt to wipe his paws. And then he just takes off growling and barking into the woods. What the? You kicked shit on my carrots. Get back here. And I'm going to chase after. Is it a perfect CGI pile of poop? Of course. What specific CGI poop are you thinking of? Oh, I don't know. Maybe the one from a keanu reeves movie what are you referring to no never heard of it no um i don't know that one okay speed i think he's thinking of speed yeah cedric bullock takes a perfect cgi pile of shit

so he just ran off into the woods i'm gonna i'm gonna try to catch him i'm gonna you got you're gonna wipe that shit off my carrots i'm gonna tackle you to the ground cole so i'm chasing after my doggie okay so once you get into the woods it seems like there's really no trace of him you don't know which way he went at this point hey cole i'm not actually mad at you if you want to come back i'm not gonna make you wipe your poop off my carrots, okay? So just come back. We'll have some paste and we'll have some eggs. Come on, Cole.

All right, I'm going to do an investigation check to see if I see any signs or anything of where I should be going next. Perfect. 20. Oh, hell yeah. You notice some little coal doggy paw prints in the soft

ground leading off to the left. I put my hand into it and then I touch it and I put it in my mouth and I go, still warm? And then I run off. Put it in his mouth to know if it was still warm. How else would you? Your hands? No, the mouth is so much more sensitive to heat. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're right. I don't know if it was still warm. How else would you? Hands?

No, the mouth is so much more sensitive to heat. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're right. Come on. Not your flashback, Elizabeth. I wish we could change what he just did, but we can't. This is my week. Yeah, this stuff has already happened.

You're right. I'm so sorry. You can't change the past. Unless. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. So Seb, you track Cole to a small pond a couple hundred meters into the woods where he's barking at a few tiny frogs that are minding their own business.

Oh, I hate frogs too. Aw. Hey, bull. Frog. F*** you. You like that, Cole? Cole gives a happy little bark in response and thus cues our little montage of time passing and you and Cole developing a friendship that transcends time and space.

So it's lots of Seb crying in bed while Cole kind of cuddles up. Lots of Seb crying on walks, crying reading letter from jr again uh any other places you think seb would be crying uh i think have one where kind of like zoom in and it's like cole is like tugging down on my like swim trunk so i look like the copper tone baby but then you zoom out and i am just bawling i am just bawling tears so am just bawling tears. So yeah, lots of Cole keeping Seb active and distracted. And we see Cole getting bigger, now up to about 40, 45 pounds. And we're going to pick back up, montage ends, and you are woken to the sounds of Cole growl barking and running out the front door into the woods again, now after all this time has passed. Okay, I can assure you there are no frogs there.

We decimated their population long ago. My God. And as soon as you enter the woods, you see Cole getting pets from several bullywugs. For reference, a bullywug is a humanoid frog person about the same height and weight as your average human. Oh, God. And Seb, you know that they're typically pretty evil.

Hey, Bullywugs. Sorry what I did to your friends there at the pond. We just kind of... Anyways, why are you here? Before I say another word, why are you here, Bullywogs? One of them looks up at you slowly, and you notice that they're all wearing

striped shirts and kind of ragtag outfits that make you think pirate. And one of them looks at you and goes, how much do you want for the pup? Okay, so you're looking for the puppy mill. It is a disgusting place, and you should really think about adoption.

No, no, you misunderstand. Our boss, Captain Marfiosa, is looking for a new pet, and this one would do just fine. Yeah, no, adoption's going to be your best bet. I would suggest falling in love, having that person decide that they don't want to be with you, and saying...

Are you going to sell him, or are you going to get hurt? Oh, I was trying to finish the story, but okay, some of us aren't very charismatic in the mornings, Mr. Bollywog. Seb is promptly knocked unconscious from behind. You hear laughing as they roll you over and spit in your face.

The last thing you hear is the cries and whimpers of coal as they move away from you into the woods. Coal. Coal. And then it's all black. Uh-oh. You awaken to something wet hitting your face. Oh, coal.

Oh, coal. It's not coal. It's face. Oh, coal. Oh, coal. It's not coal. It's rain. Oh, rain. You're lying in the mud face up as the rain intensifies over you. All right. I'm going to put a hand on my head

to kind of assess the damage, but then I'm going to remember that coal was just taken, and I'm going to do an investigation check to see if there's any signs of where I need to go next. Okay, cool. All right. I am not doing so hot mentally right now. So I rolled a four. Okay. And yeah, your head is throbbing as you splash around now in what's become mud. There's really not too much to find. And if there is, you can't find it, but you know that Cole's been taken. I'm going to go back to my house, but I think...

Sean, do I have any weapons there, anything like that, that I can use? You know that you don't have any weapons. What the hell? You're living a pretty cushy lifestyle. But, okay, you do know of a man who lives even deeper in the Deepwood, who goes by the name Wanjik. Some say he's a sorcerer. Some say he's an ancient demon. But everyone agrees that Wanjik is a man who sells things.

Weapons, magic, and information being among the many things that Wanjik sells. I'm going to go to Wanjik,. I'm going to go to Wanjik, and I'm going to get enchanted super weapons. Okay. So after some searching and some travel, we cut to Wanjik's abode. You enter through the trunk of a tree and take stone steps down to a steel-walled bunker

filled with intimidating and violent-looking trinkets. Hey, knock-knock, Seb's a-knockin'. What's happening? I need weapons. I need to find... And a pile of, like, bottles that he's been drinking start to move right in the middle of the room. Who's here? It's Seb. I'm a-knockin'.

Seb, have we met before? Yeah, well, yeah, kind of like in passing. We live in the woods. We run into each other. It's always been pretty friendly. You're always extremely, extremely drunk, though. And for context, Wanjik is an old gnome dressed in tattered robes. He wears incredibly thick spectacles and sports a long, thin, wispy white beard.

Gross. Why are you bothering me? Oh, I need super weapons. Oh, well, you've come to the right place. Ugh! You're not going to ask why? No, I'll ask why. Okay, good. All right, great.

You think I'm that irresponsible? I'm giving people these weapons and not asking why who do you take me for i don't know well i i just okay so i'm sorry do you want me to tell why i want to walk through my long hallways filled with weapons as you explain what you're doing. Oh my God, wait, what is that? That is a knife. Oh, okay, so we kind of start off pretty tame. Yeah, start tame, get weirder and weirder. What do you need? Is this revenge? Is this avenging?

Yeah. Is this for love? Is this for hate? What is this for? It's for all of those things. I like to think of it as sort of Old Testament, you know, revenge. I've been wronged and as such, violence is prescribed to justify and to equal the scales,

so to speak. Does that make sense to you? That's the funniest thing. The only two people who've come in here and said such a thing to me were Keanu Reeves and Nicolas Cage. Let's keep going. Oh, I've never met them. They sound cool. They're fine. Well, one is good and one is bad. You be the judge. All right, let's see. Well, don't tell me that you've run into the Scullywugs. They've been running amok around here for quite some time, stealing people's things. It's funny, you should say, okay, maybe I should start at the beginning. So I had this wife and we were in love for a long time. Do you want weapons or do you want to be a storyteller?

I am so sorry. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. She gave me a dog. They stole my dog. They did. It's a pirate gang, the Skellywugs. Oh, they're an evil bunch. I don't know if I have anything in here that could defeat them,

but I'll take a look and see. Anything with like electricity or fire or... I'll be honest with you, Seb, and it's Seb, right? Yeah, it's Seb. Seb's a knockin'. I'm looking at your muscles here and I'm seeing nothing. It is

bad. It is... I can't see you from the side. You don't... Even if I were to give you one of my weapons, I just don't think it would be in the right hand. Well, I have news for you. I'm on a completely vegetarian diet, so I'm pretty healthy,

and I've been told I'm quite wiry strong. I can do 11 pull-ups. It sort of looks like you've been eating just wind, but I guess I do have one thing that could help you out, but you probably wouldn't be interested in something that could help you out. No, I think I am interested in the one thing that could help me out. Yeah. All right.

Well, walk this way with me. Let's go over to potions. Oh. Walking over to potions. All right. Let's see. Let's see. I can find it here.

Here's a potion to turn you tall, a potion to turn you small. Mott's applesauce. Love potion, love lotion. Jessica Simpson's cupcake perfume from 2004. A potion to make you a very grumpy witch. A potion that makes you forget your friends. Wizard piss. That's the good stuff, I drink that.

Copper tone sunscreen. Rad potion. Gives you sunglasses. Rage potion. Does what it says. Wait, hold on. Rake potion. Turns you into a rake.

No, no, no, no. Rage potion. What about that one? No, that's not useful to you. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. It's sort of just a white-hot rage. It's mostly for moms at theme parks. Let's see.

Ah, yes. Rampage. Rampage. Rampage? The weather just turned to a thunderstorm outside. That's peculiar. Rampage. I'll warn you and snatch it out of your hands as you try to grab it. If you drink this, it will turn you into a man capable of taking on an entire gang.

Goes to hand it to you again. Oh, well, that actually sounds perfect. No, there's a few catches, actually. What are they? Just give it to me, you old coot. Oh, slaps. That can't slap you across the face. Hey, slaps back at you.

Yeah, I'm drunk on wizard piss and rage potion. Yeah. Who's asking? Seb's a knockin'. Okay, fine. Well, it only lasts a matter of hours. Yeah Who's asking? I said to knock in Okay fine Will only last a matter of hours Then you will revert back to being even weaker And more pathetic than you are now

Huh Huh Goes to hand it to you again Are you giving it to me this time? Or are you going to yell at my face again? Reach for it I'm reaching I'm reaching

The other catch is it will cost you everything you own sorry your nose was right there my faces were so close no it's okay we kind of kissed uh that wasn't just our noses that was where our noses and mouths. Which is crazy, because you clambered onto a shelf, because I'm much taller than you know, to get it done. Sorry, I smelled the love potion in the Jessica Simpson cupcake perfume from 2004, and it just put me in the mood. Hey, we don't have time for this,

but I'm just going to say it, me too, all right? Yeah, I think I can give up everything. Do you need a deed? What do you need for me, huh? Everything you own. Okay, I guess it's just kind of a verbal contract. All right, yes, you can have everything I own for that. Yeah, it would be your cottage.

It would be your estate. It would be everything inside your cottage, everything, your gardens. Cool. Yeah, I can give that up. For Cole, my little cryhound i i can do that i'm gonna give it up i have to cole is is the only thing that i have to love at this point it's not very funny i'm not very funny at all i wouldn't well okay okay stop trying to kiss me again all right um

i'm sorry i'm sorry It's the potions. This is a very toxic hallway. Okay, well, just take the stuff, and I'll take my rampage, and I'll be on my way. Wondrick notices that during that exchange, Seb instinctively went to his back pocket where the note and letter from JR is sticking out. Here's the thing.

Can I have that note as well? It's everything you own. Oh, shit. Everything you own. I was not expecting that. I don't know. So you were setting up. Freaking go.

I just thought it was a nice touch, but this is high drama. Seb? Yeah, Seb, what do you do? Sorry, I hear voices in my head. Hey, it's Elizabeth inside your head. Hi, wizard. Can I just read it one more time?

Wanjack just snatches it out of his hand. Can I read it one more time? And crumples it and puts it in his back pocket. Fine, take it. Well, the least I could do is give you a weapon for your troubles and point you in the right direction. Okay. And Wanjack goes over and pulls just like the most unassuming small knife

he has off the shelf. Okay, we're back at the unassuming end, okay? Yes, but this will be enough with the potion that I gave you. I hope so. Well, I do know where one rascally scullywug lives. His name is Gip. Gip. And if you're ready to do whatever is necessary,

this scullywug will give up the rest of his gang. He is easily tipped over. He's a real weirdo. Okay, so I just took the potion. Can you repeat that last part for me again? Go see Gip. He lives right down the road. Two rights, a left, another right.

Go back, because that's the wrong direction. Take a left, spin around in a circle, hit your head as hard as you can walk straight and you'll see it so next door yeah okay all right uh well you'll probably hear what happens but it was really nice meeting you yeah i'm for sure he's dropping and uh wanjack just starts like reading and rereading and reading and rereading the letter okay can you not in front of me oh this hurts yeah i feel like i'm getting broken up with owie owie ow and then um why don't you give him like a gritty action movie makeover and before you go this one's on the house okay

come with me oh okay cool what are we doing and then um wanjack goes like hits a like lever and uh you know shares closet from clueless sort of like the rotating thing that starts happening and action movie yeah wanjack really starts exactly thank you um uh like you see the life sort of come back to his eyes this is his true passion all right let's see let's see let's see uh he takes a knife just goes up and gives uh sab a scar on his face oh that's part one let's see now what else oh most of it is just long black leather coats hell yeah which one which one which one ah this will do very nicely take this this. Oh, this is pretty tight. Are you sure it should be this tight?

Yes, it should be. Hold on. Let me Google what John Wick looks like. Elizabeth, inside your head. It's me. Sunglasses. Oh, black tie. Let's lick this hair back.

Let me give you a potion to give you a little bit of a beard. Great. Great. Great. Hmm. How do I look like it's always raining on you? And Ponjack sort of just does like a video game jump that's totally up in the air and punches him in the teeth. So there's just a little bit of like blood around his lip.

Yes. Perfect. Now get angry. Ouch. Yes. Perfect. Now get angry. I'm angry. Is that? Now get angry. I'm angry. How about that?

Get even angrier. One more. I'm ready to kill. Yes. And shove that anger all the way down. And now you are numb. And then Wajak slaps him on the ass and goes, go be violent, buddy. You got this.

Zip was a knock in. Have a good day. And then as you walk out and up the stone steps of Wanjax, you start to feel something come over your body. And it's probably the rampage elixir that you took. And Ben, I'm going to share with you your new stats, which are the equivalent of a level 15 barbarian. Oh, my God.

New! Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Okay, so you have intimidating presence, so you can basically look at someone and scare the shit out of them, make them frightened. Okay. Feral instinct, that means you've got advantage on initiative.

And then when you're in combat, Okay. Feral Instinct. That means you've got advantage on initiative. And then when you're in combat, you can enter Rage and Frenzy with your bonus action. And that means you'll get three attacks every turn. Oh my God. And then the other really big thing here is that you have Retaliation. So anytime that you take damage from someone near you, you can attack back. Awesome. So it's pretty wild.

And we're starting you off with, after drinking the elixir, you feel a little bit buffer. You feel a little bit tougher. You're at 50 HP. Okay. Very cool. And thus starts Seb's rampage. All right. I walk out the gate. I turn. I go to the next gate, literally next door. I kick it through. I knock on the door subsanaka there's no answer i'm gonna kick the door in and to enforce just in case there's someone there an intimidating presence i'm gonna go trick or treat mother okay roll for strength all right so it is 15 plus 9 uh so 24 that'll do it the door explodes open and you quickly see that it's dark wet and cramped and dirty inside but nobody's home where's the candy or am i gonna have to come back with some eggs? I'm going to do an investigation check.

19. Awesome. From what you can tell, you see that this person is a heavy drinker. They like their booze. And you actually hear someone approaching the very hovel that you're in. So what do you do? I turn around and I say, this place is a shit.

I heard you ordered a maid. And you say that to Gip. And Gip has a drink in his hand. And Gip, it looks just like a bollywog, one of the scollywogs, a pirate bollywog. And looks pretty much exactly like a run-of-the-mill Scullywog, except for has a tight perm on his head. As Gip, I walk up to the door,

and I have no idea it's exploded. I'm dancing, I'm singing to myself, and I take out my keys, and I put them into the keyhole that's not there, and then I turn the knob, which is not there, and then I walk through the entrance of my door. Da da da da da da da, let's go, girl. Okay, I'm gonna repeat both of my awesome lines again. Trick or treat, mother.

A treat! No, you give me a treat. I'd love a treat! No! You got cake? No, I don't have anything, you give me a treat. I love a treat. No. You got cake? No, I don't have anything. You give me. You give me. You give me.

You give me a treat. You give me a treat. All right, I'm going to- Start stickling him. Hey, quit. I'm rampaging. Trick or treat. Give me a treat.

That is a trick. Treat, treat, treat. Always a treat. That is a trick. Yeah, I love a treat. Okay. Hey, I have cookies in the oven. You want some?

I do not believe you have an oven in here. Gibb starts walking over to the oven. Let's go, girls. And his booty goes from side to side. I'm going to pin you. I'm going to grapple and pin you and go, cookies are burnt tonight, asshole. Whoa.

Roll for it. Maybe Gibb's pretty strong. We'll see. There is no way. 27. Gip, why don't you roll a strength check? 18. Not bad, Gip, but definitely not enough. So Gip gets pinned to the floor

by rampaging Seb. What are you doing? I'm not the doe. Scully walks today. They took a dog that wasn't theirs and they messed with the wrong mushroom farmer where are they good luck getting your dog back for them it's practically dead all right i'm to take out my knife and I'm going to stab Gip right in the thigh. Good luck. Okay. So a 29.

It was a natural 20. Oh. Oh. You're basically... The damage you will do will either knock Gip unconscious or kill him. So you'll have to pick one of the two if you're trying to keep him alive or not. I will knock Gip unconscious. Because if you critted with your current stats,

that means you add two different hit die. Oh, no. So I would explode. Yeah, so... You'd explode like the door. So the way that Seb stabbed you was so incredibly painful and intense that it immediately knocked Gip unconscious.

Okay. I'm going to put Gip into a chair tied. Casino Royale. Casino Royale. Oh my gosh. I'm going to cut out the seat of the chair and I'm going to get a weird rope that has like a ball on it. and I'm going to get a weird rope that has like a ball on it.

And I'm going to do this thing and I'll go, wakey, wakey, hands off snakey. And then I will whop it and hit Gip right in the ball sack underneath. That'll wake you up. Your positivity is infectious, but I don't have time for this. I haven't been touched like that since my wife gave last night. What? Yummy. You are obviously really hurt.

Yeah, I'm a scallywag. Gip's long tongue shoots out of his mouth and he starts slapping Sep's face with his tongue. All right, I'm gonna smack you in the balls again and I do the whole lead up Casino Royale thing and I knock you. Bazinga, that's the jackpot. An arm strike is five damage.

Yeah. Five damage to Gip's nether regions. That's a lot of damage for Gip. Yeah, that hurts. That hurts. Oh, boy, that hurts. Where are the Scallywags? Hey, could you come here a little closer?

Yeah, of course. What's up? I've got something to tell you. Yeah, what's going on? Oh, never tell. No, quit. And he starts licking his face. Why is everyone kissing me?

Did I get some of the potion on my face? What is happening right now? Nice try. You're never going to get information out of me. I'm a freaking steel trap all right all right i'm i'm winding it up i'm going to hit unless what oh unless what well i have just um some fermented applesauce uh kind of my private reserve i was supposed to give everything i owned uh to to this gnome,

but I just had a little flask in my back pocket. Oh, my God, applesauce. Do you want some? Oh, my God, applesauce. And it's fermented, you little booze hound. Do you want that? Oh, my God. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me, put it down my throat. You want a taste? Yeah. All right. Here, I'm pouring some on your face and not in a waterboard-y way, the other way. The nice way. That's good, right?

It's like a dinner in my mouth. All right, and then I'm gonna gently slap, but kind of hard. Where are they, though? All right, you want all of it? Yeah, actually. That tastes really good. Where are they?

Oh, okay. Okay, fine. I never knew that this would be the thing. It would topple it all over, but I got to get my hands on that. I got to get my hands on that. Oh, it's applesauce. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want applesauce. Why did you make that noise? What noise? That cum noise. What the? Excuse me. Okay, just give me the information. Oh, okay. I'm not messing around.

Okay, me neither. Okay, here's the deal. This is what I know. The Scullywugs are moving a big shipment of bootleg DVDs down at Pirate Bay. What's a DVD? Is it short for David? DVD? You know what a DVD is?

A DVD stands for Divine Venus Droplets. Huh? Huh. Essentially, they're elixir vials containing the blood of deities and other illicit ingredients. There's a big shipment going out tonight at Pirate Bay. Bunch of smack runners. That's all I know. I swear to God, now give me that matzah ball Mozart,

whatever the hell that is. I need more of it. Give it to me now, please. This, and then I just pour it all over your head. Yes, baby, yes! These knots will take you two hours to get out of if you untie them yourselves. So by then I'll be long gone.

But I suggest you do it faster because by the looks of this place, it'll burn pretty fast. Ask me, what do you mean burn pretty fast? What do you mean burn pretty fast? I'm going to light it on fire. Oh my god, what's your name? Who are you?

I am Baba Yaga. I'm sorry. Baba Yaga? I'm sorry. Baba Yaga? No, I'm sad. I'm just sad. I was trying something out. It was nice.

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me try something else. Okay, yeah. Who are you? I am Little Red Riding Hood. And then I toss my red riding hood up and I walk out and I go, work quickly, tick tock,

and I throw a little match over my shoulder. Whoa! After striking it on my teeth. Wait, wait, I have more information for you. Don't let my house burn down. Well, hopefully it rains, but I can do nothing for you, but maybe I'll hear you out, huh? Okay, I swear you'll really want this.

You're looking for your doggie, right, Cole? Yes, yes. The captain. Mafioso? Marfiosa. Marfiosa. Marfiosa. It's Marfiosa.

Marfiosa, okay. It's Marfiosa. Marfiosa. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, God. Yes.

He has your dog. And that's it. I swear. That's all I know. I swear that's all I know. I'm not going to. I swear to God. Well, you've been a huge help to me.

And I do that thing from anime where I move my sword, and it looks like I just went an inch out and back in. And then the ropes just fall off of your body. Oh, yippee. And his limbs start moving and he starts eating more applesauce with his feet. Don't spoil your appetite. And then I walk out of the flaming house and I just kind of. Appletite.

Don't spoil your appetite. Don't. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, Willie. Thanks for sparing my life. Don't spoil your Appletite. Don't. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, Willie. Thanks for sparing my life. Don't spoil your Appletite. Absolutely. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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So let's do a quick equipment check. We can say that at Gip's place and at Wanjik's place, there was a ton of weaponry. Seb, you basically had your choice. What are you rolling with now? You've got that little knife. Here's what I'm rocking. I got the little knife. I call it splinter. I have a glaive. I call that houndstooth. I have a hand axe. I call that half a butterfly. I have another hand axe and I call that, guess what, other half of butterfly and then finish it all out i have a javelin that i call big motherfucking toothpick and that's what i'm rocking incredible you are rocking and i think you're rolling and i think you're ready to uh head to the docks from the sounds of it is that is that your next stop yeah okay you're headedate Bay. So after some more travel and some sleepless nights, Seb makes it to the docks at Pirate Bay.

And as you come upon the docks from your vantage point, you can see a good number of scullywugs going about doing their business, moving crates onto pirate-looking ships and other regular-looking ships and all around just doing bad guy henchman stuff. And why don't you roll for perception? 17. Okay, cool.

You see through the smoke and the fog and the hustle and bustle of the docks someone who's clearly in charge. A scullywag who is the captain, Captain Marfiosa himself. He basically is dressed just like Captain Hook from Peter Pan and has an enormous captain hat on his head. He's mustachioed, has a hook, his head. He's mustachioed, has a hook, and is pretty dastardly looking in general. He is barking

out orders currently to the rest of his crew and henchmen. You, that way. You, over there. Put that up and put it down. Arr, pirate. Yeah, that's what they said. That checks the box, doesn't it? he's tipping over because his hat's too big

so seb what's your plan um i spit so much spit onto the ground and i make mud and then i put that all over my face rambo style love. And then I put branches on my back. I rip my white shirt just a little bit so you can see my chest hair kind of popping through. Nice touch. And I stealthily approach in the shadows. Should I do a stealth check to make sure? You should, you should.

And it is kind of like a maze of crates and boxes and things with a lot of moving parts with crates getting swung onto ships and stuff. So there's a lot of good stuff to be able to sneak around and in. So that is on your side. But why don't you go ahead and roll for stealth. Stealth of three. So 21. Okay.

You are sneaking closer and closer. And now you can hear Captain Marfiosa's voice more clearly than ever. He's probably at this point only like less than 100 feet away. And he's shouting out orders to specific pirates this time and calling them out by name. Arr! Kermit the Dreadful! Put a box over there! name. Arr, Kermit the Dreadful, put a box over there. Yay!

Arr, the Dread Pirate Croak, give me a box. I need to sit on something. The Dreaded Warts and Dreadful Webster, you two do a little dance, entertain me. Captain Dreaded and Trump Dread Fred, and also HBO's Dreadwood. Get over here and give me a back rub. Oh my God.

And my big fat Greek dreading, the evil dread and evil dread too. Keep switching boxes back and forth. I kind of like it when you do a bit of a juggle. And of course, Cliff, a.k.a. Clifford the Big Dread Frog. Tell me a joke. Cliff, you got a joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you call it when you don't want to drive somewhere and you're hungry?

Nobody? If you know the answer, don't say nothing. What is it, Cliff? A fly fly. And he sticks out his tongue and grabs a fly out of the air and then presents you the fly with his tongue. Ah. Do you like it?

Yes, I get it. I stick out my tongue and I lick it off his tongue. Nom, nom, nom. Sexual? Sexual episode. Interesting. Okay, so Seb, you're kind of seeing all this take place and you're a little bit closer now to Captain Marfioso. Cool.

I'm just doing parkour stealthy flips to and from boxes, getting just kind of moving forward. I'm kind of trying to find a way to discreetly add fear into the ranks of all of the Dread Pirates. And I decide to do that by

Are you thinking Batman Begins? Because that's where my head's at right now. to the ranks of all of the Dread Pirates. And I decide to do that by... Are you thinking Batman Begins? Because that's where my head's at right now. That is exactly where I am. So I am like up and above. And I throw my trusty little splinter and I hit Clifford, the big Dread Scullywag. Frog.

Frog. And I hit him right in the eye. But I guess I should roll for it yeah we'll see if he's within 20 feet it's just a standard you'll get a plus nine to it if it's the 60 feet away you have disadvantage so we're gonna say that he's 20 feet away you don't have disadvantage you're throwing a knife at his eye all right natural 20 Natural 20. It went, oh my gosh. Holy shit. It's a natural 20? So 29 to hit? Yeah.

So basically, you threw the splinter, that little knife, so hard and so fast. This is kind of gross, but it went through his eye and then pulled his head off of his body,

took it 15 more feet, and then impaled it in the wall next to a different scullywag. Cliff, is that a joke? Cliff? Holy s***! Captain! What the f***

is going on? Arr! Who comes a-knockin'? Yeah, yeah. That's my line. Do you say that? Quietly, quietly quietly discreetly disgruntled disgruntled all right so i'm at this point just kind of like fingers on the side of the boat i go up to the next closest my big fat greek dreading and i grab their leg and throw

them out to see it i'm gonna have you do two checks. You'll have to do strength, and then you'll have to do stealth with disadvantage. It's a 19 plus 9, so 28 for strength, and then for stealth, not so good, 12. So he goes flying off the side of the ship, but there's enough time since he's so airborne and thrown with such force, there's time where he's in the air yelling. Big splash.

And that kind of gives away the general location in which you are. So now there's a ton of scullywugs racing towards that area of the boat. Okay. Since my cover is blown, I forced myself so hard up that I fly up. And then I do like that, that superhero kind of like on one knee, one hand down,

one hand up sort of thing. The blade pose. Yeah. The blade pose. And I go, I heard you guys sell blood and tears of the gods. Well, you're going to have to. Oh, man.

Where was I going with this? Okay. I don't know. What? I'm not sure. What, man? They all start swarming you. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Give him a second. Let him finish his thought. Captain, why can't we kill him? Why can't we kill him? Why can't we kill him? I'm curious. I'm a little curious who this guy is. Where's my dog, Cole? Your dog?

I'm not sure what you're speaking of. My dire wolf, Cole. Black, roughly 45 pounds, is going to grow to be gigantic and be able to just frickin' molly you to death? Oh yeah, I guess I don't know where that is. Hmm, I don't know. I don't have it. Okay, I don't believe you. Arrgh, Captain, your eyes are moving

left to right. What? No, I don't have it. Didn't you guys... I think he's talking about the thing we have locked up down at the bottom of the boat, Captain. How could you forget? Yeah, the wolf dog, Captain. You're fully lying. Arrgh. Hey, drop dead Fred, shut the hell up. boat, Captain. How could you forget? Yeah, the wolf dog, Captain. You're fully lying. Hey, drop dead Fred. Shut the hell up. Oh, hey, shut up. What do you mean? Best thing since sliced dread.

Is there something on this boat? Are you gonna be mad at me, Captain? Yes, I am. If I tell him the truth? Don't look at him. Look at me. I'm your captain now. Well, there's nothing on this boat. Not one thing's on this boat. Good job. Wrong answer. I'm gonna throw now. Uh, Bill, there's nothing on this boat. Not one thing's on this boat. Good.

Ribbit. Good job. Wrong answer. I'm going to throw the big motherfucking toothpick right at best thing since sliced bread. Dread. It's dread. Dread.

Sorry, dread. Sorry, dread. It's dread. Sorry, dread. I'm on a rampage. I'm not thinking. Okay, roll for it. 18.

And then that'll be eight. Eight damage. Sweet. It's not sweet. I'm hurt. He eight. Eight damage. Sweet. It's not sweet. I'm hurt. He's got his wedding next week. Best thing since sliced red is bloodied pretty bad. Why don't you, now since you attacked and they're all surrounding you,

why don't you roll for initiative? Okay. And remember, you get advantage on initiative because of feral instinct. Okay. So my first roll was 10. Not great. Second roll, natural 20. Oh, so now it's on. There's probably at least a dozen right now of these pirates, these scullywugs surrounding you. What are you going to do? I'm going to use my intimidating presence.'m gonna rage yell out where's my damn dog and i'm going to go

how about some butterfly kisses and then i'm gonna throw or no i'm not gonna throw i'm gonna rush the two nearest pirates to me with my hand axes and i'm going to hit with one, hit with the other. So 20 and 21. Those definitely hit. So 9 damage with the first and then 10 damage to the second. Wow. Okay, so those two are on their last legs, so to speak. They are on the

verge of death. And they each already had a peg leg, so. Alright, so blood splatters my face and i go if a butterfly lands on you it's good luck now you got mud and blood on your face uh and then i have both my blades up in the air after just hitting them so hard and i go your turn and use my bonus action, and I'm in rage and frenzy, and I'm just smiling a little devil's grin, and I'm just splattered, splattered, splattered with blood.

Tie-dyed with blood. Are those sticks part of your head, or are they a separate thing? Are the sticks part of my head? Yeah, you got sticks sticking out of your head. That's stealth, man. Oh. I'm doing a thing. So they're not antlers?

No, I'm a human. This is your turn this is your action all right did someone punch you in the mouth earlier oh it's cosmetic it's just cosmetic uh does anybody smell Jessica Simpson's cupcake please get out of my face I don't need anyone else kissing me right now not right now get off of me so the first one runs at you the first attack is an eight. The next one's a six. Definitely not going to hit with your armor class. So they just absolutely whiff. And then down the line here, the next guy goes. And who would the next guy be? Dreadful Webster. He goes for it and rolls on the first one, rolls an 11. That's not going to do it.

And then the next one, a 19. That hits. And that does five damage with his spear. He missed the bite, Champagne, and then stabbed at the spear for five damage. Webby, attaboy. Thanks, sir. Which I think brings you down to what, 45?

45. So hits me, a little bit of blood coming out of the the corner of my mouth i put my thumb i get it and then suck my thumb and i go oh tastes like candy and then i'm going to retaliate that's right i am a level 15 barbarian and i get to do stuff like this all right i go I go, have you met the other butterfly wing? And I swing my hand axe, and it is a 27 to hit. That hits. Eight damage. Okay, cool. So then Captain Dreaded is up. Hello.

Oh, man. Well, Captain Dreaded missed with both. Whoopsies. Hey, don't sweat it. Don't sweat it. Yeah, that's all right. I'm actually okay with that too. This stuff's hard.

It's very hard. He's actually my nephew. Oh, hey, you're doing great. I love the shiny swords. No, I know he sucks, but he's here for the fun of it. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. I'm here for the summer.

My mom dropped me off. Yeah, his name's actually Benjamin. He has to be called Captain Dreaded to match the rest of the crew. Interesting. Most Benjamins I know are quite strong and like really cool. That's not our experience. Yeah, we've never met a Ben

who was strong and cool. Not once, not ever. Yeah, they tend to be losers like Captain Dreaded. No, I hear they really take their hobbies seriously and they're like really good at listening to friends. No, no, I'm a little turd loser. See, he even knows like a good Benjamin does. So then drop Dread Fred,

misses the first, and then connects on the second for another five damage. Okay, 40. And you are able to retaliate. You know, I'm a vegetarian. And then I hit him with my glaive. I roll a 15. Yeah, that hits, that hits.

Eight damage. And then HBO's Dreadwood is up next. Oh my God. Yes, yes. And hits with both for eight damage. Well, yeeh-haw. So I'm down to 32, right? HBO's Dead Whatever told you that I wish you were my nephew.

He says that every night. Hold on, hold on. I would hate to interrupt you all right now, but I have to retaliate. I'm going to hit with my glaive, and it is a 19 to hit. Oh, yeah. Eight damage.

H. Will's dreadwood no. Subscription ended. Y'all. Oh wait. Sorry that was Aaron's character. Y'all Benjamin's taking my lines even in death. Good try Benjamin. I'm trying my best.

Did you take your medicine yet? What medicine Benjamin do you take? My mom makes me put an enema up my booty hole every night. Okay. All right. Let's stay on the task on hand. And then up next

is the evil dread, and they actually hit on the second one, and so that's just five damage, but it's five damage. Down to 27. Wow. Okay. I'm going to retaliate with my glaive.

17. That hits. Cool. 13 damage. You eviscerate the evil dread. Luckily, we got two of them. Evil dread two. Get him.

So I slam my glaive down, and it does that also sort of anime thing where it's just kind of, they just flap open. And then the evil dread two missed both. Chomped and speared, but you dodged out of the way very nimbly. And then you notice that a couple of them have just straight up ran away

when seeing how f*** how tough you are. And that's the best thing since sliced dread. And then Phillips or flat dread. Yeah, you need to. Phillips or flat dread also took off running and we're just screaming. He's insane. He's insane. He's insane. How can we not do anything with that?

Guys, come back here. Let me also just... Actually, I got to check on something, too, by the way. Back away slowly. Keep doing your thing. You're doing good. Love you, Benjamin. Take your enema.

And then he backs away, and he goes into his quarters and he locks the door and you hear like furniture piling up in front of the door just that like dragging furniture sound then Dread and Butter steps up

and goes don't lose heart men now's the time to fight yeah listen to Dread and Butter and he crits on your ass. What? Oh, yeah. So that does 10 damage.

Down to 17. Okay, we're getting there. All right, I'm going to hit with my jolly little glaive, the houndstooth, and does a 22 hit? Yes, it does. The damage will be 13. He is dead.

What does this death look like? I slice down and I twist out and he just explodes and it's sort of in slow motion, so it kind of looks like fireworks. This one hit with both. He's the last one with this light up. This is Ash versus the evil dread. Hit with both, He's the last one with this lineup. This is Ash versus the Evil Dread. Hit with both, which is eight damage. Brings me down to nine. I'm going to retaliate with my jolly

little glaive, and that will be a 19. That hits. And then damage, not great, is eight. Okay. Now it's back top of the lineup. It's your turn. You can do what you want. I would say there's only three of them that are still full health right now. And then you've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine still standing, but are like really badly injured. So the ones that have full health are the dreaded warts, evil dread two and cap and dreaded. AKA Benjamin. The pirate formerly known as Benjamin. I am going to jump up, spinning both axes in hand like a freaking helicopter towards the first three closest to me, and I will use two actions with both hand axes as I do that on, I guess the first two,

that'll be a 21 and a 22 to hit. Those both hit. Cool. And then nine damage and seven damage. Okay, cool. So both Kermit the Dreadful and the Dread Pirate Croak, you kill them. And you can describe how that looks. It's not great. They, I hit them so hard that their torsos hop up and switch places. And then they just crumple over. And then I go, oh, honeys, I'm not done yet. And I'll use my, cause I'm raging. I'm going to use my houndstooth and I am going to just like slam it down as hard as I freaking can.

It'll be a 28 and then 13 damage. You kill another one. The dreaded warts. I just kind of explodes. Just boost, boost, boost, boost,

boost, boost. And then it's just like, just slow motion, two hands kind of like twirling around and they're just middle fingers. And I go, no, f*** you. And then it's over.

Okay. At this, two of them, two more of them who are really badly injured, Dreadful Webster and Drop Dread Fred both take off. It's not worth it.

This is crazy. Gotta go. Cool. So now there's only four left, two of which have full health. And Cap'n Dreaded is up right now. Cap'n, it's getting pretty bad out here. Keep doing your thing. You're doing great. Okay.

Love you. I love you. I'm going to try to hit him, I guess, with my sword. Oh, no. He's got a fake sword. Does a 15 hit? It does not. Okay. He misses. Never mind. Good job, Benjamin.

You're doing a good job. Thank you. Thank mind. Good job, Benjamin. You're doing a good job. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, sorry. Oh, what? Nothing. HBO's Dreadwood goes next and also misses. Y'all.

Dang. Timothy Olyphant. And Evil Dread 2 botches, so stabs himself. And Ash versus the evil dread is now up and rolls oh my god botches everybody be pissing their pants right now

yeah that actually does kind of make sense oh and Ash only had three health points left so I'm gonna go ahead and say Ash went for an attack, missed, and then kind of pole vaulted with their spear overboard and will not survive the swim, considering how injured they are. Back up to the top, there's only three folks left,

and it is Seb's turn. He is covered in scullywug blood. You got this, boys. You know what they call me? Little Red Riding Hood. First action. I hit with my first butterfly wing. That'll be a 27 to hit.

Oh, yeah. And then that's seven damage. That was to Cap'n Dreaded. Seven damage right there. I'm going to, with so much force on my other butterfly wing, hit the next person. And then that is going to be 25 to hit. And that will be eight damage.

That kills them. HBO's Dreadwood canceled. Cowboy. Then I'm going to finally strike at the last one with my glaive. So ready to freaking get my damn dog back. Just really as I do it, I can like

hear my dog's bark and I have visions of all the happy times, us frolicking in meadows and that one time that Cole kept on pushing me into a pond over and over again. And I was like,

it's not funny anymore. And I meet and it's a natural 20. Whoa. Let's roll for damage. So seven. So 21 dam or seven plus. I mean, you killed them.

Yeah. It's a lot. That only leaves cap and dread. Benjamin, get out of here. Get out of there. He's got four hit points left. Oh, God. Please.

Yeah, I think he's just begging for his life at this point. Please. My mom's got to pick me up at the end of the summer. Please spare me. He's so cute. Can I just pick him up by his collar and just do the old-timey bar throw? Yes, yes.

Whee! Have a good summer. Hex! Okay, what's next? I walk up to the door and I go, Seb's a-knockin'. Nobody's home. I'm going to go,

Oh, shoot. Well, I guess I don't get my dog back, huh? Yes. I'm going to wait a beat. Okay. And then I'm going to kick the door so hard, strength check 19. That'll bring it down.

Hi. Have you heard the good news oh uh about what I'm gonna kill you where's my dog oh the dog that's right hey boy oh hey boy a dog makes its way towards captain Marfiosa. Yeah. So here you go. That's your dog. Okay, that is two cats in a burlap sack. All right. That is not going to work. All right. Meow woof.

See, they said meow woof. Meow woof. Where's my dog? And then I'm going to unarm strike him right in the face. So that's just going to be 15 to hit. That hits. Ow. Five damage. Just pat me in the face. No, I just going to be 15 to hit. That hits. Ow! Five damage.

Just pat me in the face? No, I hit you. You're bleeding. Come on. Where's my dog? Where's Cole? My love that I traded everything for. All right, all right.

I'll tell you who your dog is, but you're not going to be happy. We were out on the water last night. Me and me crew, me old crew. That's right. There was a shipwreck, and was I the only survivor? Yes. Everybody died, including Jack. Jack? No. No, the dog's name is Cole. No, we named the dog Jack. There was plenty of room on the door, okay? There was plenty of room for Jack or Cole on the door, right?

No, I was on a big door and I'm kind of a big guy. Plus my hat was taken up about half the door. Got a big hat, so no room for anybody else. I'm gonna strike off the hat and- No, me hat! Oh my gosh, you have so much hair under here. That's right, huge mullet. Gigantic mullet. Six feet tall, eight feet wide. Huge's right. Huge mullet. Gigantic mullet.

Six feet tall, eight feet wide. Huge. Huge. Yeah, girthy. No, seriously, I'm not playing this game anymore. Where's my dog? I'm sorry, son. The bottom of the ocean.

He's with Davy Jones now. I'm going to stick my glaive to his throat, and I'm going to go life for life. Well, you already took a lot of people's lives, to be fair. Maybe already even? I'm going to put the glaive back and I'm gonna slam it down and your eyes are closed and you

open them and the blade is right at your face. Why should I not kill you right now for taking the only thing I have left? I have nothing. I have no wife. I have no home.

Okay, well, I didn't know that stuff about you. Sorry. But I guess, yeah, I did a bad thing taking your wolf. You know, I'd have done a lot of bad things throughout my life. But that was one of the worst. And I can see that now. I can see the pain that it caused you. And I'm sorry that you're having lady problems.

Do you need help there? I'm pretty successful normally. No, I'm still married, okay? We're still married. She's just gone for a while. Good luck. But I can still make it up to you. I've got something for you here.

Let me see. Let me scrounge around a little bit. Oh, what's that behind your ear? Here we go. A piece of parchment. Okay. What me scrounge around a little bit. Oh, what's that behind your ear? Here we go. Piece of parchment. Okay. What is it? It's a deed to a tavern and inn. Come closer.

Come closer. I kiss him. Don't kiss me. Why is everyone doing that? Listen, I'm not going to lie to you. This place is an absolute dump. I mean, a real piece of shit. But more importantly, it's a great place to keep busy

and take your mind off the past and the horrible things you've done and your wife who's probably never coming back and all that kind of stuff. Okay, execution. You understand? It's a place to start over. I think I need something to love. And even with Cole gone, maybe this is my best chance to find something,

to find a family, to find something for me. I don't know anything about any of this, but I've already had my rumspringer of violence, and I'm tired of looking at the red. Listen, as a man who's been on this earth for a number of years, I've got the secret.

What's the secret? Come here. Come close and I'll tell you. Okay. All right. And then I die. You kissed my teeth. I die of old age.

You didn't kill me. I'm dying of old age. No, I'm going to kill you. Nope. Heart disease. No, it's heart disease. I'm dying. Bye.

Dead. Bye, retired. Bye, retarded. No! And I do that thing that the mountain did in Game of Thrones, and I crush his head. Whoa! Oh, jeez! Whoa! What the, man?

And then I sign my name with the blood. Sebastian Von Hugh Grant on the deed as the owner of Bottoms Up. You feel something wet on the top of your head and your face. And you look up. Coal? Unfortunately, it's not coal. It's rain. And the sky opens up.

And it starts pouring again. I just stick my arms out. And the sky opens up and it starts pouring again. I just stick my arms out and I embrace the rebirth. I scream, I yell, and I go, Rumspringer of violence is over. Well, before we cut away,

as he's leaving the dock, can we see Benjamin, a.k.a. Cap'n Dreadful's head poke out of the water? And clearly, revengea. Cap'n Dreadful's head poke out of the water? And clearly revenge is in Cap'n Dreadful's eyes. I keep thinking about how Beef, Chip, and Chalice are all working at a blacksmith place probably their summer internship they're having the best summer of their lives like a john hughes movie and then this is happening right now that's so perfect sitcom dnd is comprised of elizabeth

andrews ben briggs aaron keith waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. We hope you enjoyed this flashback episode, because there just might be a few more flashback episodes in store later on this season. But who's to say? We are very excited to announce our next stretch goal. If we get to 500 patrons, we'll release a one-shot based on the television series Lost, GM'd and written by the wickedly talented Aaron Keefe.

This episode capitalizes on all the great tropes that made millions of viewers tune in week after week to this television program. Marooned on an island? Check. Narrative-driven character flashbacks? Check. Unfulfilling ending? Check. But this was so fun, we're going to have to record more, people. And there may be a returning character from our Grey's Anatomy one-shot involved.

So help us get to 500 patrons so we can share this with you sooner rather than later. For those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is our version of Shark Tank. I wrote up some inventions and businesses that our cast comes in and tries to present. And it's honestly one of my favorite Patreon episodes we've done to date. But don't take my word for it. Give it a listen on Thursday. And thirdly, if you want to leave a comment in Bottoms Up's comment box, it may be used as the inspiration for a

flashback scene in a future comment box episode. You can do this by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcasts. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.