SitcomD&D - S2 E5: The P Word

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

Can you guess the word? The crew turned a p***** this month. So they get an invitation to the Annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner because of a unexpected nomination. And you won't guess how the evening ends.  Skylar's GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-skylar-fight?utm_campaign=p_na+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer Bear In The Air Gameware Dice Company: https://bearintheairgameware.com/ *********** Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This episode of Sitcom D&D is dedicated to our friend and the bravest person in the world, Skylar. Thanks for listening. Bumped a Tesla today. Oh no, did it explode? Could have. The lady exploded, that's for sure. Oh, she saw it happen? Yeah, you guys explode? Could have. The lady exploded, that's for sure. Oh, she saw it happen? Yeah, you guys, it was bad.

And she's like, you hit my car. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. I did. I did. So I was like, I'm sorry. Is it okay? And she looks at it. And then you could tell that it was.

But she was mad. Today, I parallel parked between two cars that were so close to each other. And once I started doing it, there was a girl in the car and I was like, she's leaving. I watched her get in her car and she's leaving the one behind me. So she sits and she watches me painstakingly parallel park on a busy street.

And once I put it in park, she like looks down and then drives out. No! I was like, what the fuck? What's wrong with you? Just engineered that whole thing. So mad. I was like, you could have made my life

a million times easier she wasn't on her phone she wasn't doing shit she was watching to see if i could do it and then she was like oh cool she did it on a busy street sick twisted perverts sitting and watching pervert in other news some crazy lady hit my tesla today sled today. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guys, we're going to pick up

Inside Bottoms Up, where Seb actually has gathered you all at the bar to make an announcement. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms

up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will

not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Beef, stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself, Beef. Beef, stop hitting yourself. Beef, I'm not even grabbing your arms to hit you. Just stop hitting yourself. It's weird. It's not a fun game. Stop it.

All right. All right. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You guys, we're in trouble. Everyone run. No, don't run. Please don't run. Please don't run.

Please stay here. Scramble. No, this is good news. It's good news. Look, I'm smiling. I'm smiling. Seb, what's wrong with your face? Yeah, that looks fucked up.

It's scary. No, this is good. I have to admit, some of the muscles have atrophied over years of despair and my own stress. You're snarling. You're straight up snarling at us. I'm not snarling. I'm a man.

I'm a man who's happy. Look at this. I have a black quill out, all right? Yeah. A black. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not in the red. We're not in the red.

That's what that means. I'm right. I was doing the books, and we no, no, no. We're not in the red. We're not in the red. That's what that means. I'm right. I was doing the books and we turned a this month. Holy. Excuse me? What word did you just use? What does that mean? Means that we paid everything.

Everything's been paid off. And then we still have money. So we can use that for, I don't know. A pool party. Okay. Diamonds. A pool. Okay.

Closing ideas. All right. Oh, shit. I forgot to say mine before ideas were closed. Okay. Go ahead and say yours. Pay off Jennifer's debts. Nope.

Absolutely not. That is not. Yep. We've done that episode already. Yeah, we've already done that one. Oh, my God. That is not. We've done that episode already. Yeah, we've already done that one. Oh my God, I'm ruined. But you guys, I think we should give this to our celebrity in residency, Beef.

I think we should pay Beef a bonus. What? Why? Excuse me? What? Why? Beef, don't you want this? Huh? No, it's money. Don't you want this? Huh?

No, it's money. Money so you can buy... Land. Yes, land. So you can buy land. Just because Beef's the reason that we're profitable now because he's famous doesn't mean that we should give Beef a bonus because of that. I agree. It seems like Beef can make money other ways now, and it feels like he should share the wealth. Okay, but we don't want Beef to go because we have a good thing going, right?

Oh, yeah, I guess. I don't mind. Beef owes me a lot of money, so this works out A-okay for good old Chalice. And I agree, too. Yeah. What's going on? Except Beef's so confused, I'd say just use it for something else. He won't notice heads or tails of what's going on around here.

Mail is here. Mail is here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Mail, mail, mail. Mail is here. Mail is here. Yes, you know the mail is here.

The mail guy, we love you so. Kiss our toes, we love you so. Oh, the male's here. Yay! I love the male guy as much as the rest of you, but when I met a dragon once, he sang exactly like that when he told stories. That was the exact same melody.

That is neither here nor there. I sing like I want to sing. No one has affected me. What do you got for us, buddy? Yeah, wait Well I've got a little invitation here An invitation for you four

Oh, I mean five Didn't see you there Thanks Here we go, you know I sing Every time the doorbell rings Okay, here, I'll grab it from him all right that's enough thank you bye male guy i'll see you guys later all right i turn into a miniature schnauzer and i just start like yapping and yelling at him and i'm just gonna chase him

to the door i'm gonna use to make it even faster. Oh my God, control your dog. And then he fades away as he's getting chased out of the... That was the most he's ever sang. We were so excited when he came in and we got annoyed very quickly. Well, that's a lot like us, huh? That's sort of what we do. That's true. Yeah, we are a fickle bunch, aren't we?

All right, let's see. We got an invitation. What's this? The invitation reads that it is the invitation to the annual Chamber of Commerce dinner. Oh. Ooh, free food. You know that means free food. And you know that most of the successful businesses in France belong to the Chamber of Commerce.

So this is kind of a big deal. We've never been invited to this. They usually schedule it for when we're out of town. So like, this is huge. You also see that Bottoms Up is nominated for the Best New Business Award and winning comes with a business grant of 1,000 gold pieces. A little bit insulting because we have definitely been around for a while. Yeah, we've been a long time. They don't need to know that. Any press is good press.

I love that. Where'd you learn that, Chalice? Beef, I love you so much. You hype me up so much all the time. It feels so good. We are going to win and we are going to look awesome and we are going to eat free food.

You do see that it is formal attire. Beef, you can wear your tire. Your formal one. My formal tire. Oh, I've been waiting. And then at the bottom, you also see that it's hosted by Tops Down, a fine dining and luxury hotel

formerly known as Fuddruckers. It's not across the street. Wait, what the? They changed their name to directly be antonyms of the words in our bar name? Chip, don't take that personally. It's a compliment. They're trying to copy us. Yeah.

You're right. Yeah, they actually saw us as competition. Beef's already pushing out his tire. Okay, I can see both of your balls right now, so push that a little bit lower, please. Males here, males here. Oh, it's stuck in your head now, Beef? I'm still a schnauzer throughout all of this.

Oh, I put a little tux on Seb as the dog. It's like a little dog. Aw. No, it's so cute. Okay, well, I'm going to rip out of this like the Hulk by the time we get to that. Can we go into Chalice's closet? Yeah, we're all in Chalice's closet. Yes.

And she just grabs a tie and starts tying it on Chip. Oh. Thanks for tying my tie. A little crooked. You look so handsome. What? Oh, no. Oh, maybe I should get a painting of me tonight so I can send this to Alberta.

Oh, right. Your cousin? No, she's my girlfriend. We've actually decided to start using the girlfriend and boyfriend label. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I didn't know that you could date cousins. No, she's actually not my cousin. She's actually my pen pal, and we actually write together. Oh, that's my mistake. I thought you guys were giving off this violently platonic vibe. No, if you want to read any of your letters to me that she wrote. Well, I mean, I've already read a couple. The ones that have been sort of left out under your pillows.

Anyways, beef, you look great. Chalice, honey, I don't want to overdress for this event. Sorry, I forgot you were here. Hi. Sorry, should I put on more than just a tie? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I saw what Chip was wearing and felt like, you know, maybe I was overdressed. I know, you know, being a prince, my wardrobe isn't that casual.

So, honey, what do you think? No, you look amazing. So fancy. So put together. Jalpern to the house. You missed the male guy. We found him annoying or we found him exciting at first, and then we found him annoying.

Yeah, no, no, I didn't miss him. I ran into him on the way in, and he just sang at me for what must have been 20 minutes. Yeah. Jal, I hope it's okay, but I put on your old wedding dress, and Beef steps out. Whoa, buddy.

Remember this? Remember this? This was what you wore when you came into the bar that day and you were like, ah, oh my God. Remember? Yeah, I guess you could wear that. Yeah, that's fine. I mean, you look good. It's certainly dragging on the floor.

I guess I'll wear your tire. And Chalice just fastens the tire to herself. Whoa, babe, you look amazing. Perfectly. Yeah, I was going to say the same thing, Chalper. Yeah, truly stunning. That's an outfit I would never get tired of, if you know what I mean.

Thanks, Chip. Really sweet. Chip, no, what? Just in that moment from the other room, I'm screaming because I'm turning of, if you know what I mean. Thanks, Chip. Really sweet. Chip, no. What? Just in that moment from the other room, I'm screaming because I'm turning back into a man and it's extremely painful. The clothes are so small on me. You guys, I know that traditionally,

it's a bunch of rats and rodents and maybe some birds who create a dress before a big event for a humanoid. But maybe this time we could do the reverse and you guys make me a beautiful dress before a big event. Chalice just gets some glue and puts it on a napkin and then just sticks the napkin to her front. So she's not dressed in the back at all. It's just sort of like a square napkin. Jennifer looks down, looks up, tears well in her eyes,

and then she does a twirl and goes, It's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen! Oh my God, guys. I did that as a joke and now she loves it. I feel horrible. Good, cheap solution. I appreciate that as a joke and now she loves it. I feel horrible. Good cheap solution. I appreciate that. Resourceful.

Seb walks in and he is just in tatters. He straightens his little dog bow tie and he goes, are we ready? Let's do a breakdown of the outfits. So we got Chip, just a tie. We got Beef, wedding dress.

Chalice's old wedding dress. We got Chalice in attire. In attire. We got Jennifer wearing a napkin. And we got Seb wearing a dog-sized tuxedo. And Jumper looks amazing in very

fancy clothes. Those added up faster than I thought they would. That is bad. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery.

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So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Okay, so the gang heads across the street to the newly named, tops down, fine dining and luxury hotel. As you guys enter, you see it's just as fancy and elegant as you remember. But the entire restaurant has been, you know, rented out, so to speak.

So it kind of has the vibe of, you know, a big gala or a ball or almost like a wedding type vibe. Just any high end event. And a bunch of people are mingling and talking out in the space before you would make your way to the tables. And that's kind of what's going on right now. Wow, everyone's so pretty here. Oh, Beef, that's a mirror actually that you're looking at.

Oh, well how do you do? Still a mirror. Oh, hey, hi, gorgeous. What's your name? Alright, everybody, let's gorgeous. What's your name? All right, everybody, let's give Beef some privacy. Let's move on. Yeah.

As you turn around and give Beef some space, you see a small goblin woman with very sharp cheekbones and humongous hair. It's just as tall as the rest of her body is, is how tall her hair is. Marie Antoinette. Marie Antoinette-type Antoinette type hair. And big, big billowing out dress. She walks up to you.

Well, hello there, gorgeouses. Good to see you. Glad you could make it. And I, of course, am Mrs. Hannigan, the president of the French Chamber of Commerce. So glad to finally, after all this time, make your acquaintance. Oh my God, you're the Pringles lady. Oh yes, I actually, I'm the proprietor of many small businesses here in France. There's of course, Hannigan's Handbags.

And I'm sure you're familiar with Hannigan's Mannequins. Oh, yeah. I got locked in that place once overnight. It was the scariest night of my life. Yeah, it's the mannequins you can rent for a date. Yes. Well, you're the only one to ever rent them for that reason. But I never turned down a customer.

And then, of course, you must be familiar with my final business, the orphanage. My most profitable small business. I wonder how that works. I'm just so absolutely delighted, darlings, that you were able to make this event so last minute, and that, of course, you are nominated for

the best new small business. Congratulations. Well, thank you. Thank you. We have been around for a while, though. This was the first year that you ever formally recognized income. So, you know, you're not necessarily, you weren't a business per se on paper before.

Sebastian, correct? You can call me Seb. Oh, Seb, lovely, lovely. Make sure everyone gets a drink, alright? Everyone get a drink in your hand We should have a waiter coming by soon Where's the f***ing waiter? Oh, and here he is, here he is Okay, everyone's got a drink

Perfect, perfect Well, keep mingling Keep networking, darlings And we will have ourselves a ball Are the waiters not allowed to talk to us? He's not making any eye contact. She's already moved on and he is trembling in silence. Please just stop.

You're just going to make it worse. Please just stop. Are you peeing? And we'll take that champagne off your tray. Off you go, buddy. And he like almost sprints the equivalent of as fast as you can walk he is walking away from you uh hey you guys i have been to so many palaces and this is how you know that things are not running great in a place if anyone who is there to help you just don't don't draw attention to

them it's gonna make it worse for them you just gotta be cool you gotta be chill we're just gonna get in get the free food, get out. Everybody hands in, free champagne is free champagne on three, ready, one, two, three. Free champagne is free champagne. Free champagne. Free champagne. You guys gotta help me pace myself

because just half a glass of this stuff, I'm not very big and woo-hoo! This is fun, let me just say this is fun. You're floating up to the ceiling, you're filled with so many bubbles, Jennifer. Whee! This is fun. Let me just say this is fun. You're floating up to the ceiling. You're filled with so many bubbles, Jennifer. I'm just going to tie a string to your leg just to make sure we don't lose you.

No, let me go. This is amazing. Okay, you can still float. I'm just going to keep you with us, all right? I'm just going to keep you away from the fans, Jennifer. Yeah, this room is filled with fans, okay? And just then you see from across the way during this cocktail hour, the staff, formerly of Fuddruckers, now of Tops Down,

has seen you guys and is making their way over enthusiastically. Okay, look successful, look successful. All right, strike a pose, strike a pose, everybody. Oh my gosh, Chal. Look successful. All right, strike a pose. Strike a pose. Everybody. Oh my gosh. Chalice, Seb, Beef. The other one. How are you? It's Chip.

It's actually Chip Ahorn. Don't talk to me. But anyways, you guys look like you tried so hard tonight. We do? Thank you, Colin. I look at our outfits. Me and Oreo are engaged. I look at our outfits. Me and Oreo are engaged. I finally popped the question, and she said, oh, yeah, baby.

And I said, oh, yeah, baby. We thought the will they, won't they was played out and exhausting, so we just got to it. Right, baby? Kiss on the mouth. Hey, show them a little tongue, why don't you guys, huh? Look how relaxed our friend Colin is. Yes, I mean, we're all friends.

We get along, and I feel so bad. I feel like, was it the last time we saw you, we were trying to murder you and steal your deed, or something wacky like that? Yeah, no, that's what you did. You tried to do all those things. Oh, gosh. Well, we've expanded,

and it's, you know, water under the bridge, and we're just glad to see you all here, other one, Beef, Chalice, and... It's Chip, Chip Ahoy. And also, where'd you get the name for the new place? By the way, out of curiosity. It came to him in a dream. Isn't that cute? Wagyu turns to Beef and he says, nice dress.

And Beef says, thanks. And then they both put up their arms and they both start doing a mirror thing. Waxing on and off. Are you real? Are you real? You're gorgeous. You're gorgeous.

Oh, Wagyu, don't touch that one. You don't know where it's been. Well, it's so good to see you. Seb, I love how quiet you're being right now. Really just appreciate that. Oh, I hate your voice. Actually, Seb, Seb, Seb has something really interesting to say.

Tell them about the problem. The P word, the new P word. We are actually profitable. I had this whole little speech kind of planned out, and then it just kind of descended into pure chaos where I brought out the black quill, because we're in the black now. I was doing the books, and we're in the...

Gosh, I'm not even really impressed with this anymore. Can somebody else go, please? Yeah, so it looks like, and he twirls his dress, Beef, it looks like we're supposed to be here. And I'm engaged. Yeah, speaking of engagements, yeah, Chalice is engaged and I'm basically on my way to an engagement.

With his cousin. No, well, I have a girlfriend. Wait, I just remembered something. I was a schnauzer an hour ago. Anyways. Impressed? So we're doing great. Yeah, we're doing really awesome. I'm famous.

Whee! Hey, Beef, come back here. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just ran around the room a little bit. Chalice is engaged to a prince, like a real one. So that's cool. Prince Jalfur. That is true.

And he and I are in love. Yeah. Oh, I love how you drew out the suspense there, like in deep shit or something like that. But yeah, we're in love and we're gonna get married. Are you still a prince? Are you a king now? Well, I'm not officially a king because

Chalice wanted to stay here with you guys and there's a lot that we wanted to do before getting married. Oh, I am so sorry to interrupt you. They just put out free food. We gotta go. We gotta go. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. You snooze interrupt you. They just put out free food. We got to go. We got to go. We got to go. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You snooze, you lose, turds. Off he goes. Great to meet you folks. And then you can see that the Tops Down gang is actually pretty upset because, you know, Jalpert is a real piece of royalty and that is a real show of status

that they are unpleased with. A real piece of something. What was that, Jim? I said a real piece of something. You like bought yourself more time to think of something to say and then just said

the same thing to him. Okay, less talking, more shoving shrimp into your purses and other offices. Everybody, get your purses out. Okay, less talking, more shoving shrimp into your purses and other offices. Everybody, get your purses out. Alright, darlings, it's time, time for dinner. Everyone, find your tables, find your seats, and we will get this whole thing underway.

So you guys check the guest list, or the seating arrangements that are printed out, and you see that you're at the same table as Tops Down. So what'd you guys get nominated for? Or did you even get nominated for any awards? Well, funny you should say that.

But since Colin's genius middle-of-the-night rebranding, we're technically considered a new business. Oh, you flatter me. No, it's great. And it's such a silly thing because we've been around for a while to be nominated for this,

but it's just, you know. That's us too. We're the same thing. We've been around a while. And you said you guys are nominated for something, right?

Actually, we're nominated for the same award, right guys? Oh, that's great. That's great that they let a, let a little guy

like you guys kind of in with the big dogs. Chalice and Wagyu are looking at each other and doing the mirror hand thing. Being like, whoa. Wagyu, honey, you don't know where she's been. Do not touch her. Don't touch

her. Wagyu. The waiters start ushering you towards the table. Man, these waiters, do they walk? They only run, man. This one's really pushing on my back. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. He's really pushing on me.

Let's be nice to the guy. Hey, waiter guy. How you doing? Just please sit down. What's your name? I don't have time for this. You don't have time for your name? Honestly, you fit in with us more than we fit in with any of this crew, to be honest. We're kind of pieces of shit just like you. Whoa.

I'm Chip. Pieces of shit? Okay. You know, like lowly pieces of crap like us. Chip, I know you mean well right now, but it's not coming out right. I'm trying so hard to be nice. No, you're doing great. He drops the plate that he was holding and punches Chip in the face as hard as he can.

What? Whoa. Oh. My tie. Does a three hit? A three does not hit Chip. So he goes to punch you in the face as hard as he can, but whiffs.

He punches my tie. I'm so sick of people like you acting like they're better than us and calling us pieces of shit. Unbelievable. No, I'm being honest. I smell my breath and I breathe hard in his face. What the f- Oh my God. Way to prove a point,

man. You're sick. Tw sick twisted and then he gets escorted out by other servers and then miss hannigan runs over well this is such a disturbance what is going on darling no no it's not a problem one of your staff tried to punch me in the face but obviously miss because i am chip a hoy historic historic hero. Dater of cousins. No, I've never dated a cousin. Well, I did date, I kissed one cousin, but that's not my girlfriend. I actually have a new girlfriend, and I'd love to tell you about her if you got any time, Miss Hannigan. No time, darling.

Have to keep things moving, but please find your seats, take your seats. Oh, here you go. I'll pull out your chair for you. Everyone sit down, and we're about to get underway. But first, you should probably meet the chef for tonight who will be serving all of you. So there's a like a silver, beautiful cloche that a waiter has on a platter. And at the table, he presents it and then reveals, pulls off the cloche, and there is a gorgeous, elegant, fluffy white cat. The chef of the evening, everyone, is our very own Michelin-starred Aniston.

And there's a lot of I'm clapping I get it If you don't mind I will go over What is on today's menu Are we eating this cat Oh my god we're about to eat this cat Who the f*** is this

What is this shit Jennifer And then Chalice grabs Jennifer And plops her in a cup of champagne. You know those like, not the flutes that are straight up and down, but like the coupe ones? That sort of look like a hot tub. Yeah, exactly. It's like a hot tub for her and tries to distract her. What is on the menu for today?

What is on the menu for today? We're starting with an appetizer of caviar on top, a brioche bun, and for the second course will be, are there already a question? No, I just sneezed with one arm up, so I am so sorry about that. Are we supposed to have a question? So, caviar on a brioche bun? Nothing else? Just some caviar on a bun? On a squishy bun. No, it sounded like the bun was on top of the caviar. It's a layer of

caviar on a plate with a bun on top. When it comes out, everything will make more sense. I know that your tastes probably aren't as refined. The menu, I got a chance to look it over at Bottoms Up as, well, it's rustic and quaint. Did you ask if we had a question

so that we would ask a question so that you could then burn us? Is that what just happened? Is that what just went down? Did you just take advantage of my sneeze for this whole joke? Oh my God, I had to drink that entire glass to not drown.

Oh, f***. Jennifer, your napkin dissolved in the drink. I look horrible. Oh my god. Get it together, Jen. Get it together. You wouldn't know how to cook if it hit you in my ass.

Oh no. Yeah, we're in my ass. Oh, no. We're good, guys. We're good. I got it handled here. Yeah, good job, Jennifer. I don't know if you'll know this, but a rat seems to have snuck in with you. No, this is our chef.

Yeah, that's our chef. That's your chef? Yeah, that's our rustic chef, huh? Okay, well, I guess the rest of the menu will be quite a surprise. I don't even think it's worth going over. I'm sure you're unfamiliar with a lot of the things that I would even say, so I'll just save my breath and move on. Why are you roasting us?

There's 200 people at this event stop talking to us you don't even have a microphone no one can hear what's happening are you going table to table you asked us if we had a question we didn't even do anything what is what a dick i feel like we got invited to this place and they're just making fun of us. No, no, no, no, no. And then you see up on the stage walks Mrs. Hannigan and she goes to a podium

to address the entire room. Hello, darlings. Thank you all so much for making it to the 27th annual Chamber of Commerce dinner. There's a polite smattering of applause. Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! As you can tell, we've got a new business that's joined the Chamber of Commerce, and that is Bunga.

Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. Whoa, whoa. That's right. And everyone's under arrest. Just kidding. Beef, chalice, and the rat in the building, Jennifer. Pew, pew, pew. And I'm f***ing building. Jennifer. And I'm

wasted. Should there be a bunch of new businesses? There's an entire category devoted to new businesses. Yes, you were just making the most noise, darling. No one else is cupping their hands around their mouth right now. This is weird. Everybody be quiet.

The lady's trying to do her speech. Of course, there's multiple new businesses. There's Sally's Saddles. Boo! Please. Please. There is Sven's Sports.

Boo! And there's Kyle's Crack. Yes, we love you, Kyle! I didn't know Kyle was here. Yes, we love you, Kyle. We love you, Kyle. I didn't know Kyle was here. Kyle! You son of a bitch.

You look great. F***ing love bottoms up too, baby. God, Kyle's the best, man. You're my boy, baby. We're staying up all night long. That's right. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, I love when he says that. Oh, my gosh. He hit me with a carriage one time. He's awesome. Oh, no. I love when he says that. Oh, my gosh. He hit me with a carriage one time. He's awesome. He's great. And as is tradition, when we have new businesses joining the Chamber of Commerce, we like to get to know them a little bit on an individual level. So one by one, we're going to call you up and just introduce yourself, get to know us so we can get to know you, say a little bit about who you are, what your background

is, maybe an icebreaker, a fun fact, and then a little performance. It can be anything, no pressure. Why don't we actually start with Skylar? Why don't we welcome up Skylar from Skylar's Candy? And everyone applauds and cheers because everyone loves Skylar's Candy. Candy! Candy! Candy! And an awesome looking halfling named Skylar takes the stage and everyone is attentively listening. And then they bring out a few different materials. They bring out a sword, a shield,

and a small plant. And then Skylar does a really cool dance move backflip and then points at the shield and it bursts into candy. It turns into candy. Yeah! Whoa! Holy hell. We're staying up all night tonight. That's right. into candy. It turns into candy. Yes! Whoa!

We're staying up all night tonight! That's right. Then Skylar moonwalks, does the splits, and then points at the tree, and all the fruit on the tree turns into candy. Yes! I hate fruit! I hate it! Yes! And then

Skylar does one more front flip this time into like a knee. And then she points out at the audience and everyone's tablecloths turn into like a fruit by the foot type material candy. Skylar takes a bow to the audience who erupts in applause. Clearly very impressed and loves Skylar's candy. Chip goes to town on the tablecloth. Beef goes to town too. Chalice goes to town on the thing we love. Beef goes to town too. Chalice goes to town on that.

Yeah, we're all going to town. I'm also going to town and can we say that we all four way do like a lady and the tramp kiss in the middle? Yep. Now darlings, we've got many more people to get to know and meet. So next up to the stage

someone from Bottoms Up. Do we have a representative who would like to go first? Beef, you're used to being on stage. The most famous also. I am constantly being told I have no charisma. It's gotta be you, Beef. For sure, for sure.

We gotta stop saying that to you as much, Seb. Yeah, it's crushing. Beef gathers up the extra material from the wedding dress into a ball and he hops off of his chair and he waddles up the stairs and onto the stage, up to the podium. Yes, nice nod for everyone to hear.

Say who you are, you know, maybe a fun fact about yourself and a little performance. Uh, Beef is my name. And the audience recognizes you. You're famous now. And starts hooting and hollering,

Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Oh my god. Yes. Hi. Oh my god. This has never happened before. Yeah. Well, a little joke. What did the farmer say to the cow and everyone at the same time goes what good night they explode in laughter after a two second pause and start going beef beef beef beef hell, yeah. Well, and that gang down there, that's me.

I'm bottoms up with Seb and Chip and Chalice. Hi, guys. I'm up here. Hey, Jennifer, you s***. Oh, whoa. Oh, Jennifer. Easy. Well, fair enough, fair enough.

Calling a spade a spade. I love it. Well, fair enough, fair enough. Call it a spade a spade. I love it. Because Jalper's hair is so perfectly long and coiffed, Chalice tossles it in a way that turns into a little bed for Jennifer and then just plops Jennifer in his hair. I need a glass of water, too.

Okay, a glass of water. Here's a Tylenol. And has anyone ever considered this? And then he moonwalks off the stage and into his seat. Now, moving right along, who's next from the bottoms-up table? Oh, we all go? Multiple representatives? Yeah.

Holy crap. Okay, I'll go. I guess I'll do another cow joke So there's a cow And it knocks on a door Moo Thank you And that's your time, darling

Great job And should I go leave? Yep, you should get off Keep walking I slowly walk backwards, not knowing how to moonwalk And you fall down the stairs And I fall down the stairs Keep walking. I slowly walk backwards, not knowing how to moonwalk. And you fall down the stairs. And I fall down the stairs.

Everybody laughs again. Okay. And who's next from Bottoms Up? Hi. I'm Chalice. I'm formerly a princess, now a wait waitress I am engaged to Chip Ahoy sorry nope I'm engaged to Jalpert

who's a prince king Sorry Chalice I'm taking That's my friend Chip over there he just fell in love with his cousin everybody round of applause for him No Just one person is clapping We made a per**t this year No? Just one person is clapping.

We made a parade this year. I'm on stage. I'm on stage. Whoa. I used to have the most beautifulest dress on. If you guys didn't see me before, now I don't. I take off my tire and I put it on her. Oh, Jennifer. I feel ugly.

Jennifer. No, you're beautiful. Jennifer, you never wear clothes. You'reennifer no you're beautiful you never wear clothes jennifer we're sorry you're an equal part of the group we love you we invited you you promise yeah i made you that dress earlier remember i threw up on it now I'm gross and everyone hates me. No, you're just drunk, girl. Round of applause for Jennifer, everybody. Just one person claps. Oh, I have a joke. What do you call a cow that's drunk?

All right, Seb, you come up here. Okay, who here likes minerals? The same guy claps. Thank you. This one is quartz. This one is also quartz. Okay, I'm realizing I just brought my quartz collection. So I just got a bunch of quartz.

You guys want to see me juggle it? No. Well, I can't. I don't have that kind of capabilities. So how about a joke? Knock, knock. Who's there? Go f*** yourself.

And then I moonwalk off the stage and I immediately fall for a really long time down all of the stairs. Even though the stairs are only four stairs, you fall for a really long time. Somehow it takes me at least 25 seconds to fall all the way down. Incredible.

You guys, I'm going to be sick. You have to take me somewhere where I can be sick. Okay, I'm going to put you right back in Jalpert's hair and going to put a hat on him. I do not have a problem with this. You guys did great up there. Hey. Thank you. Yeah. This is a fun evening.

I'm glad I got to be around for it. Yeah, you haven't been around lately, so it's nice to have you around. I missed you. Aw, well, we kind of missed you. Oh, he's talking. Okay. Hey, Chopper, I'm really sorry that I said I was engaged to Chip, but just I've been seeing Chip so often,

and his breath is so bad, it just feels like he's top of mind. Oh, totally. No, I was dying laughing. I was like, I can't believe she did it up on stage. That's hilarious. Anyways, I can hear Jennifer throwing up in your head. Are you sure you don't want us to move? Oh my God. She's gently trickling down.

Okay, I'm just going to just dab that really quick. I do not remember eating that. What is that? It is a single kernel of corn. It is just one kernel of corn. The chef comes back around and goes, I hope you all enjoyed your appetizers. It's time for the main course.

And as you all enjoy your meal, which is absolutely incredible, by the way, Aniston really knows how to cook, all the other new small businesses, you know, Sally's Saddles, Sven's Forts, Kyle's Crack, they all go up on stage one by one and introduce themselves to the room as Jennifer tries to get you all to say that the food is really bad.

So it's so dry, though, right, guys? Gross. Are you asking if this steak is drier than a pot of orange? Yeah, I guess. Technically. It's not too. Yeah, it's not even close to being as wet as the stuff that I make. I don't even know which knife to use to cut this big old steak.

There's 17 knives laid out here. I'm just going to eat it with my hands. Screw it. Yeah, let's eat with our hands. Yeah, I don't want Chip and everyone else to feel bad because I know which one I'm supposed to use. Yeah, and I haven't forgotten some of my etiquette training. Yeah.

I'm just doing this in solidarity. Right. Oh, so you guys are all eating with your hands, even though you do know the answer. Right. Instead of telling each other, you're just matching. Oh, that's so nice of you guys. And then Miss Hannigan from the stage goes,

And the last new small business to introduce themselves, you remember them as Fuddruckers, our extremely generous host for the evening, the fine dining and luxury hotel, Tops Down. And the staff of Tops Down slowly, like elegant spiders, move down towards the stage floor from the ceiling as some string instruments start to play really elegant music. Once upon a time.

Hey, everybody. It's me, Colin. Once upon a time. Hey, everybody. It's Wagyu. Once upon a time. It's me, Chardonnay. Once upon a time.

Hey, it's me, Oreo. He's taken, all right? My fiance. Anyways, we're going to tell you the story of how we... I'm not going to stand in the way of true love They're all just making out Yeah, I was like, I'm kissing too Everyone is cheering so hard right now

It is like shaking the ground Wait, where were we? We were gonna tell you how we became Best friends and successful business owners. Once upon a time, these three silly geeses opened a gorgeous bar and I wasn't here yet. This is all being acted out in like acrobatic trapeze. We all have like a little streamer and stuff like that. Maybe it's easier if we show you

and we're like moving them so fast that we're like making the words once upon a time. Like those light pictures thing. Like sparklers. And then Sean, it's like 45 minutes gorgeous. High highs, huge laughs. Really low lows. Really low lows, like sobbing.

People are ugly crying in the audience. They're cheering. It's like sort of the way you feel watching everything everywhere all at once for the first time. Everyone is having that emotional experience in the audience. Turns out that we were actually playing the symphonic instruments the whole time behind our back. And you just didn't even notice. And then we go, the end. Hey, I'm not even going to touch it, all right?

Let them have it. Just go at it. Come on, you little freaks. And then one of you can roll for their performance, but they have a whopping plus nine modifier to their performance. Wow. I rolled an 18. It's near perfect, you know?

It's very, very good. And the audience is on their feet. Like you said, they've laughed, they've cried, and now they're cheering their guts out as they rappel back up into the rafters. Whee! And Miss Hannigan takes the stage again. Wow, she starts wiping some tears.

Absolutely incredible. Darlings. Well, now that was the last of the new businesses. So it's just left time now. I have to compose myself. I'm so overcome with emotion. It is now time to vote. I'm so overcome with emotion.

It is now time to vote. So there should be some ink and quills at all of the tables. So take that and those little slips of parchment. Write down what business you think should win best new business. And we'll come around to collect them shortly. Ciao. All right, Beef, it's spelled B. B. That's not a B.

It's like that but sideways. Alright, close. That's just a circle. Hi, darlings. We're here to collect the votes. Oh, thank God. Is it uncouth to vote for yourself? Because we are. Well, if you want someone to, you should

probably. Okay. That hurt my feelings. That hurt my feelings. I'm sorry. That's probably, I'm sorry. Are you? Not really. You guys were yelling a lot while I was talking. Sorry, we're really shaken up by that performance. Like, we all were. They did so good.

They did so good. Yeah, it's almost like you guys told them that they had a performance before the event and we didn't know until we arrived type of thing. Yeah, funny how that worked. Isn't that kind of weird? That's kind of weird. Yeah, that's kind of weird. And really quick, really quick, really quick.

I really liked their understudy, Umami Peter. I really liked Umami Peter. Seb just, in this manic manic episode just spilled over a bunch of the drinks on their table yeah and i like that it will yeah i like that ours was made up on the spot and was pretty good and theirs was uh rehearsed for probably several years it was good maybe other people felt the same way um i guess we'll see. Thank you for your votes. Best of luck. And she heads off to the next table to collect

the votes. Piece of s***. I hate that person. I was just gonna ask if we all like her or not. Okay. And it's not too long. You were one of the last tables, so Miss Hannigan makes her way back up onto the stage and goes,

Quiet down, everyone. Quiet down. The votes have been tallied, and the winner of the France Chamber of Commerce Best New Business Award goes to... We're holding each other's hands, clenching. Yeah, we look like those Miss America contestants when they're in the top four.

And they're sort of like sweating and smiling. We all have sashes on and tiaras. Bottoms up? Is that a joke? Is that real? Did you guys hear that too? Is that real? Are we alive?

Pinch me. Is that real? Somebody pinch me. Are we dead? Are we dead? Yes. Apparently, bottoms up has received the most votes. We are dead.

Yep, we're dead. We did it! We're dead. There's no repercussions for anything. And I start just like throwing stuff over and stuff like that and just like knocking over chairs. We sprint onto the stage. stuff like that, and just knocking over chairs. We sprint onto the stage.

But we're grabbing each other's legs as we're going up the stairs to be the first one to make it to the stage. Oh, my chin! Yeah, roll to see who gets there first. Yeah. Oh, I got a 19. 19! Come on!

Get out of here! We go up together. We hold hands. And Chip, why don't you roll for perception? Okay. Twelve. Okay, perfect. So when you look at the trophy,

you do see that it is written out to bottoms up. It's a little trophy plaque that says Best New Friends Chamber of Commerce, Best New Business on it. And Miss Hannigan goes, that says best new friends chamber of commerce best new business on it and uh miss hannigan goes well now's the time to um give your acceptance speech go ahead oh um all right hey uh everybody first of all no surprise we weren't shocked at all uh we deserve this we are the best new business uh we are using the p word now actually is that just us all right um and i oh yeah yeah thank you thank you uh so i want to tip yeah yeah first of all i thank um Jennifer the cook and the person she's floating up to stage

oh yeah I guess it'll be that Jennifer yeah yeah uh I'd like to thank my fiance Chip Jalpert sorry I'd like to thank my fiance Jalpert for being here with me tonight she always does this you hear him in the audience she's always doing this it's

hilarious yeah I'd like to thank my real girlfriend. And she's real and her name's Alberta. And I love her and she will be my girlfriend. They're cousins. Not with each other. And we'd like to thank our bar owner, Seb, and our best friend, Beef, who's famous now.

Suck it! Yeah, suck it. And as you're all gesturing and saying suck it and we did it above you in the scaffolding above the stage tops down when they had repelled back up

that's where they've been since then and they push over huge vats filled to the brim with a smelly brown and black sockwood, which if you recall from an old Wendy's campaign means it's not quite a salad

and it's not quite a liquid and it comes pouring down on you. That's from a Wendy's commercial? They would do that to themselves? Frosties are sockwoods. I was born in 2011, so I don't know what you guys are talking about. 2011 was a dark, dark year.

Well, I was just a baby then. Chip, I wanted to give you a chance to roll for perception because earlier you did guess, oh, is this a prank? And so you were a little bit heightened awareness, but just not quite enough, didn't look above. And so you were a little bit heightened awareness, but just not quite enough. Didn't didn't look above. And y'all were just too enraptured in the glory of this award. And so this stuff just comes and douses you.

I can't believe they actually thought they won. You actually thought you won. And if you're wondering what you're covered in, it's a combination of shit and muck, or schmuck for short. Thanks for coming to our Chamber of Commerce dinner and being schmucked. You really gave us a good laugh, and we really appreciate all you've done for the community. Well, have a good evening. Ta-ta. Are you telling me we got dinnered for schmucked? Listen, lady, are you telling me we got schmucked the boss well it is a fancy dinner and you all are covered in schmuck i mean i'm not trying to put labels on

things but i mean okay we're gonna ruin this we're gonna ruin everything yeah uh, can we ruin everything? Turbo rage. What is the limit? Turbo rage. What is the limit you're setting on how much damage we can do right now? Seb, this is your wheelhouse. Turbo rage. Okay, here's what we're going to do from a game mechanics standpoint. I think this will be fun.

I'll say that each of you gets one action as if you were in combat to do as much damage to their evening as possible before the security and the waitstaff throw you out. So effectively, you got about 10 seconds, which means each of you gets to take one action as if you were in combat to ruin this evening. I will score the damage to the evening based on what I think, and the evening's HP will only be known to me. I will let you know if and when

you have effectively killed their evening. Now, I will have each of you, why don't you roll for initiative? I rolled a six. 18. 12. Nine. Okay, so it goes Seb, Beef, Chip, Chalice.

I'm going to use the spell Entangle because I am a druid and I'm going to make it so like vines come out of the ground and just like really just crack in half all of the tables and like make it so everyone can't leave. No, y'all are going to, you're going to watch all this. Crack in half all of the tables and make it so everyone can't leave. No. Y'all are going to watch all this. You're going to watch what happens now.

Also, you schmucked, you buckos. So the people in their formal attire getting held down by vines that just sprung out of the floor is pretty terrifying and pretty horrible. That just did 23 out of the floor is pretty terrifying and pretty horrible that just did 23 damage to the evening okay go ahead beef beef's gonna go up to miss hannigan and i'm gonna take miss hannigan's hair and i'm gonna put it on my head and then i'm gonna put put the chef cat as her hair. Okay, perfect. With that, why don't you roll for a sleight of hand because you've got to be pretty dexterous to pull this off. A 19 plus five.

Holy shit. So before Miss Hannigan can even let air get out of her mouth, before she even can say a word, her hair is gone. It's on my head. She's looking at it on your head. Yeah. And all of a sudden, Aniston's butt is on top of her head. Yeah.

And she feels it and goes, oh, oh, no, no, oh. And because she's essentially the glue of this evening, and her evening just went to absolute shit, that does 26 damage to the evening. Oh, my God. I feel like we're on Family Feud, and this is the very last segment, and we're getting the numbers. We got to get to 100, guys.

I feel like that's what we need to do. I don't know who we need to talk to, but this would be a great group for Family Feud, too. If anyone has connections out too. We gotta! Good answer! Good answer, guys. Alright, Chip. What's the deal? This is a very specific reference, but

much like a Tony from Survivor covered in mud, I'm going to roll around all the entangled folks covered in schmuck and ruin their apparel whilst also breathing my shit breath into their face. Yeah. You're taking the schmuck to them. I'm giving them the schmucks, mother schmuckers.

I'm going to use my movement and my action as a double second move yes second movement and they're entangled so they've got no defenses right now uh for getting rubbed up against so that is successful they are covered now they're trapped their leader is downed and they are smelling like shit and getting shit breath in their face. It just went from bad to worse. That is 28 damage to the evil. Not that my breath is that bad, right, everybody? It's not that bad. It's the worst part so far.

That's the first time I've ever seen you be that self-aware, Chip. Last but not least, Chalice. Bring us home, Chalice. I'm thinking about the people who schmucked us in the first place. You know? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm looking up. I'm looking to the sky, okay? Yeah, you are. And I'm gonna use Firebolt. Oh. So it's not as, what is it,

whimsical or lighthearted or pranky. I don't care what the fire does. You're going full carry. I'm going full carry because they carried me. It takes a carry to know a carry.

And I'm going to carry them. Okay, 13 plus five is 18. That for sure hits. They're all standing so close together. They explode in a ball of fire it does how much damage? nine

oh oh that's some heavy damage sorry sorry I didn't mean to do that and just like the woman

the woman you are you said sorry after you did it yeah sorry immediately yeah Elizabeth immediately

when the fire is leaving her hand, she realizes that's way too much. She sees Beef wearing a Marie into a net wig, knows that it was too much. Ah, sorry! Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Sorry! And they're just

screaming up there. It's definitely going to leave some scarring, but nothing near the emotional scarring that they're going to have, and that everyone in attendance is going to have watching that act of violence before their eyes and becoming terrified themselves because the fire spreads and starts to catch the curtains that are on the stage as well.

And this place looks like it's going to go up like a tinderbox. That just did 30 damage to the evening. The evening is officially dead. Yeah! Wow! It was 100. You guessed it right. Triple digits, baby. Family feud, baby! Now, Jennifer

is still close to the rafters and fire spreading, and she's floating up there. Oh my god! I don't know how to get down! You gotta burp. Oh. Okay. Good thinking. I gotta burp. Oh!

Ew! Oh god! Oh god! What is happening? This is what I do. I take the trophy that I'm holding and I say Jennifer! Catch! And I toss it up so that it weighs

her down. Clever. Okay, roll for athletics for that toss. Ooh, 22. A perfect throw. Jennifer has she couldn't have even messed that catch up if she tried. It hits her square in the body. It's about the size of her

and she is stuck to it, and she comes plummeting back to the ground right in the middle of you four. Are you going to try to catch her? Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? Okay, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. You were the first to say something. Why don't you roll athletics to catch Jennifer?

I got a three, so someone else might want to take a spin. Jennifer smacks into the ground. Oh, no. All of our hands were out, though. The plaque hit first, so she kind of just bounces on top of it and starts to float off, but y'all quickly kind of caress and catch her because she's not floating too fast.

What an evening. You can say that again, Jenny. We got to get the hell out of here, though. This place is going down like a tinderbox, man. You guys, I did too much. I didn't realize everyone was doing something silly. And now I feel foolish. No, yours is the funniest, actually.

Let's be honest. Yours is the most funny. My vines would not be as funny if they weren't on fire, okay? All right, so that's... You guys are's really nice. Can we slowly walk out of here and epically as it explodes behind us in slow motion? The building is burning behind y'all as you make your exit in slow motion. And remember that Beef is wearing Chalice's wedding dress.

Chip is wearing just a tie. Chalice. Am I naked? Maybe undergarments or naked. One of the two. And Seb is wearing a shredded dog tuxedo. Wait, could I... So a la like Pineapple Express,

they're sort of all like covered in soot and shit. And then they walk over to like a diner on the street. And they're all just sort of eating breakfast food and laughing and then they walk over to like a diner on the street and they're all just sort of eating breakfast food and laughing and recounting the evening and all the damage that they caused yeah yeah yeah we immediately walk to the diner that's probably a couple stores down while this is all happening and people are screaming outside and we're ordering uh can i get a full stack of pancakes uh syrup syrup boat on the side. Beef, are you sharing or should I get my own?

You should get your own. Thank you. Okay. I'll have the same. You know those like two-sided heart necklaces? Maybe we should get like a four-sided one. A four? I love that idea.

I was thinking something similar. Are you kidding me? Four-sided? Oh my God. Oh God. Oh God. Sorry, Jennifer. We let her go

and she floats to the ceiling. I swear to God. What's it going to take for you to respect me? Oh, Jennifer. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Pera wrote the theme song, Ben Briggs helped with the story concept,

and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. If you want to help our friend Skylar in her battle against cancer, you can visit her GoFundMe page. The link can be found in the show notes. This money will go towards medical bills, housing bills, food, or anything to help Skylar and her parents out during this difficult time. Every little bit helps. Thanks. Okay, I gotta give a shout out to Mark and Holly, some friends of the show that did something very cool.

They sent me brand new dice to use on this show that are just the best. And such a pleasant surprise. Inside of the die is incredible hand-drawn art of Jennifer the Rat doing various adorable things like drinking, cooking, sleeping, etc. I mean, it's just, it's incredible. So if you want to get some custom dice for that special someone in your life, you can follow them on Insta at BearInTheAirGamewear or head to their website at BearInTheAirGamewear.com. Link is in the show notes.

Also, consider joining our Patreon and getting us closer to achieving our stretch goal of 500 patrons. Doing so means we'll release our Lost One Shot, GM'd by Aaron Keefe. The support from our patrons is the only thing that makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.