SitcomD&D - S2 E7: Last Men Standing

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

(*TIM THE TOOL MAN TAYLOR NOISE - "ERRRAAAWWW"*) Plenty of trickery in this one, and plenty of fun too. A couple of time-outs, this will all make sense when you listen to it.  A brand new law puts some of the crew at risk of life behind bars. Whatever will they do? Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Two days ago, I got stung by a bee and it flew down my tank top. And I have like this big red spot like right on my sternum. Show it to us. All right. All right, he's lowering. Whoa! It's right under like a perfect semicircle of chest hair too.

It's like perfectly. Not the point believed, but good eye. I did want to tell you guys, but we don't have to put this on the episode. I did piss in some bushes on Monday. Monday? Yeah. On Monday? This is certainly going in the episode.

I timed it perfectly. The bushes were high. The no cars were on because it's 11 p.m. on a Monday. This is certainly going in the episode. I timed it perfectly. The bushes were high. The no cars were on because it's 11 p.m. on a Monday night. And I'm like an animal running around these streets. And I like just... It's now or never. You're on someone's ring camera, just so you know. Yeah.

You see me drop trow. And I was so impressed with myself. I was like, I did it. I did it. Pull up my pants. I'm walking. Piss all over my shoes. Oh my shoes. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today,

you guessed it. We're going to pick up inside Bottoms Up, where the bar is once again actually pretty crowded. But this time, it's not necessarily all because of Beef's new notoriety. It's actually because Bottoms Up is hosting a daytime event for a mercenary company. To set the scene, there are around 50 rough, tough, and buff folks in leather armor, drinking hard and eating even harder. It looks a lot like that I've Got a Dream number in the Disney movie Tangled. Chip, you're looking around and feeling like these are exactly the kind of people

you'd like to be validated by when you notice a mercenary sitting at a table with a piece of parchment that reads Recruitment in Blood. And we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. To dice!

When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass.

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Oh, were you looking at me? Uh, no. Oh, okay. Well, now you are, right?

Sorry, there's a couple really tough guys behind you looking to have them sign up. I can go first. Let me get my spiel out of the way. Or do you have a spiel? He rolls his eyes at the guys next to him. No, we don't have spiels. We have scars. Oh, me too, actually.

Hey, Chip, the toilets are overflowing. It's nasty. Someone's putting cheese. There's a box of cheese in the toilet. This guy's actually trying to recruit me, so let me just get him out of the way. Hey, Chip. Your trophy came in for softest hands. Remember when you won that competition a few weeks ago?

It's here? It's here. It's here. I mean, you could throw that in the trash in my bedroom. The trash in my bedroom. Just set it there lightly. Hey, you have the softest hands in France, though. You're proud of that, right? Yes, of course.

I mean, I am a trophy winner. I look over at the recruiter. He wants softest hands. We're so proud of our guy. So proud. He goes to bed, just gloves filled to the brim with milk. That's his secret. Just filled with milk.

You guys, I'm not bullshitting the next line that i have written is you got to be pretty tough to join our ranks we don't let any soft-handed playboys join group mind group mind baby that's crazy uh but that's what that guy says. I'm offended. You know what, though? Both those things are true. Okay, I am a playboy, or I used to be before I fell into my wonderful, committed relationship. Oh, you got a letter today, actually. I did get a letter today. Yes. Is this guy getting out a letter? There's a line, dude. Yeah, okay. You want me to pick out a line? My favorite line in this one today said,

There are two big days in any love story. The day you meet the girl of your dreams and the day you marry her. Now, I have not met her nor married her, but that was nice that she said something like that. She wrote that to you? She wrote that to me. It seems like you might not have read these

ahead of time before you read the letters out loud. Oh, no. I read these. And she was telling a story about how she met her mother or something. Yeah, I was going to say, it reminds me of how I met your mother. You have not met my mother. She's long past. Oh.

Speaking of things that have long passed, I killed a dragon. Oh. That actually is kind of long passed, I killed a dragon. Oh. Well, that actually is kind of badass. So where do I sign? Not that I'm interested, but if I were interested. I mean, if that's true, he's looking at his other buddy. I mean, that's pretty intense. Tell you what, we'll give you a shot.

You just write your name down right here. Oh, okay. Yep. C. H. He is a slow writer p no p doesn't look like that oh sorry that's a q flip it around and that's a p that is a g that is a g now you need do you middle initial and the full last name as As you ask that, your conversation is interrupted when a middle-aged man in loose chain mail

takes the stage. He looks like the kind of guy who went to jail for dealing cocaine when he was young, ratted on his friends to stay out of jail, and now has grown up to be Tim Allen. Yes! Oh, that's where I thought you were going with this. That's so funny.

Oh my god. After he takes the stage he speaks quiet down quiet down i aim talon general of the mercenary company known as the last men standing and then everyone responds as they do with, Do hereby call this chapter meeting in session. Has anyone seen the mic? I feel like there's supposed to be a microphone. Oh, yeah. Got it right here. And throw it as hard as I can right at your face. Are you trying to hurt him? No, I just have.

I just don't know what's going on. Just trying to look strong by any means necessary. You know what? I'm not even going to have you roll. You just threw it really hard. It did hit him. And that's what you said after it. And he goes, I called you here to celebrate our new contract.

Lord knows we needed it. They do another sound together. They go We were eating moldy bread and drinking hog piss, but now, thanks to the healthy advance on our contract, look at us. Living the high life.

And there's a lot more where that came from. If we can do what we were hired to do by Prince Milknip himself. Ew, what? Ugh. Prince Milknip has decreed that dragons are now royally recognized

as an endangered species by the kingdom of Frasier. Therefore, anyone who kills or has ever killed a dragon is now wanted dead or alive. Ooh? Ooh? And the best part ever killed a dragon is now wanted dead or alive. Oh? Oh? And the best part,

every dragon slayer has a bounty on their head of 500 gold pieces. So what do you say, people? Should we bag us some dragon slayers? Oh? Everyone does it back. Now, if anybody has any information that could lead us to a dragon slayer, they will also be rewarded handsomely.

Anybody? Chip's killed somebody. Chip's killed somebody. He's already grabbing the microphone. Chip's killed somebody. Chip's killed a lot of people. It doesn't matter if he's killed somebody. And then, Chip, you look over and you see the recruiter is looking at you going,

Who, me? Well, I'm sorry, ma'am. You look over and you see the recruiter is looking at you going, uh. Who, me? Well, I'm sorry. Sorry, ma'am. I'm in the middle of something. I got to tell my boss. You could be in the middle of something else if you hear what I'm saying. I rush over and I whip my hair back and forth until my neck hurts.

And I say, oh, yeah, in the middle of something. And he goes, okay. And he starts to stand up. And then from the other corner, regular Joe, who's clearly wasted, chimes in, unknowing of what he's doing and unknowing of the conversation, goes, who's killed a dragon? Oh, Chip's killed a dragon.

He's right there. Tell him, man. Yeah, that's what I was saying. Right, yeah, beef, beef. Hasn't Chip killed a dragon? He talks about it all the time. He talks about it all the time, yeah. No.

The recruiter stands up as he's been trying to do and is like, no, this guy literally just signed his name Chip and said that he recently killed a dragon. That doesn't look like a full name to me. That doesn't seem like, that could be any old Chip. Yeah, that could be any Chip. Let's see if you can stand on top of marbles. And I just dump a bunch of marbles onto the ground.

Good, Seb. Perfect. Seb has, by the way, there's a little backstory. Seb has been dying to do that for weeks and weeks. He's been talking about it every time he's drunk is the marbles. He can't wait. I'd like to pick up all my crew and sprint towards the door.

They're going to have an opportunity attack since you're running away but they will have disadvantage because it's hard to shoot a bow when you're slipping on marbles hell yeah good luck good marble Seb I'm gonna say 20 of them

could probably pull their bow in time 5 of them could probably pull their bow in time. Five of them who even have bows botch, and they all shoot each other, slipping on marbles. That's right. Arrows go into one another. Nuthers shoot way wildly, just like the ceiling. Actually, 15. So five of them go into each other.

Another 10 just miss by a long shot. Calus is wearing a high pony and one went directly through her hair. One of them went through Jennifer's piercing hole, so she's okay. She's fine. She's totally fine, but there is a arrow sticking through her. Perfect. And there's that classic, maybe it's a Western trope. You know, there's a guy at the bar

with his flagon and he's about to take a sip of mead and an arrow goes straight through it breaking the bottom of his glass. Oh man. Now, five of them do hit though. And I'm going to roll for damage here. Who did they hit?

Yeah, not me. I'm going to roll for damage here. Who did they hit? Yeah, not me. I'm carrying everybody. Yeah, probably not me at all. Each one does four damage, and they hit, one hits Beef, one hits Chalice, one hits Seb,

and two hits Chip. Okay. So four damage for each of you, eight for Chip. Now they're going to be chasing after you. You do make it out of Bottoms Up back door. Is there anything in the alley that I can use to block the door? I actually have something that I think will be perfect for this.

It's one of my new spells. Yes, new spells. I will use Entangle, grasping weeds and vines spread out from the ground. These plants turn the ground and area into difficult terrain. Oh, that actually is perfect. The last men standing are effectively slowed down, giving you guys enough time to get the hell out of there

and get to safety. Is there any place that you want to go to hide out for a bit? Should we go to that lady's house? What lady? The one we drove to. Regular's house? What lady? The one we drove to. Regular Joe's ex-wife. Hey, you guys, we need more friends.

Yeah. Regular Joe looks at you guys and he goes, I don't think she wants me to go there. Why'd you come with us? Oh, you don't have to. Oh, you don't have to be here. No, I'm in this. And hey, I'm at the bar every day.

I mean, it's the six of us. It's you four, me, and Jennifer. Oh, I have a fiance. Oh, yeah. A big safe castle. Oh, yeah. Let's go there. You know what I really want to do, though?

Go give my big, dumb, ugly brother a piece of my mind for making this illegal. This seems personal. He knows what he's doing. He doesn't care about dragons. Yeah, that's fair. He might want to kill me, though, because of the new law. So if I could hide, that'd be okay.

Not that I'm not heroic and brave and... Chip. I know. The perfect place we could hide you. Brad Pitt's hole. I was thinking that. Yes. Oh, we gotta go to brad that's way closer than jelbert's castle that's way closer and he's busy probably so uh-huh i put my

ass in drive and i head towards brad's pit sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and with that said i've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that.

But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Here, guys, I'll wake him up.

You got any dogs on you? Yeah, anybody got loose dogs in their pockets? He loves them. Beef's looking at us like we don't know. Beef, we know you have a bunch of loose dogs in your pocket. Yeah, you just didn't know. Okay, fine. I'll throw them.

I'm saving them for later, but I'll friggin' throw one down. Okay, and he goes up to the hole. Brr, brr, brr. Why'd you say it three times? Oh, yeah, I should stop. to throw one down. Okay. And he goes up to the hole. Brad! Brad! Brad! Why'd you say it three times? Oh yeah, I should stop. And he tosses it down. So there's no answer. Okay, Chip, we're gonna throw you down here and just hope for the

best that Brad doesn't come home. You guys are gonna throw me for once? Are you getting emotional about that? It would be an honor. No, shut up. That's really sweet, buddy. Alright, throw me for once? Are you getting emotional about that? It would be an honor. No, shut up. That's really sweet, buddy. All right, throw me. Okay, come on everybody, let's,

Chalice, you take his left leg. Chalice just sort of shoves him. Whoa! Chalice does sort of a like Olympic dive into the hole. Very graceful. All right, right i gotta admit i'm a little scared of big pits but i guess i'll go next joe oh he's still he followed us i didn't drive him no i drove myself yeah i drove myself ah i can't do it someone else knocked me in come on guys okay i gently push him oh okay all whoa, whoa! Okay, all right.

No, I didn't go in. I got scared. Just really push me, please. Okay. Beef, you want to go low, I'll go high? Always, baby. All right, three, two, one. Whoa!

Joe goes down. Didn't even touch him. Joe goes down. Didn't even touch him. Seb, it'd be an honor to synchronize dive into this hole with you. It'd be my honor too. They hold hands. Are you guys coming?

Hold on. One second. I hurt my head real bad because I dove in here like it was water at the bottom. Yeah, don't dive head first. Oh, don't do that. Stop her from breaking your neck. That was bad, that bad dive head first. Oh, don't do that? Stop her from breaking your neck. That was bad, bad, bad.

Cannonball. And then we both land square on our ass. So we're going to say the pit's about six feet. Or I'm sorry, 20 feet deep. Six feet is so funny. You know what? It is six feet down now. So everyone's going to take a D4 of damage. funny. You know what? It is six feet down now. So, Jess, you're gonna take

everyone's gonna take a d4 of damage. Chip, you take three. Chalice, you take two. Seb, one. And Beef, four. Damn, I feel bad because there was a ladder we could have used. I'm gonna use

one of my new things, second wind. It allows me to do 1d10 plus my level additional HP, and I'm down to 5 HP, so I'm going to use that right now. Cool. So I got 11 back, so I'm back up to 16. Is anyone else low? Because I could hear wounds. I'm at four.

Oh, you got to help me. Yeah, I'm going to do that. My ass. I vibrate violently, and a little bit of water comes out of my mouth, and then you get eight health. Oh, well, I feel so bad. I freaked out back there. I totally sold out, Chip.

I apologize, mate. I had no idea. I swear to God. I swear to God. You did that. That was awful of you to do that. That's your friend. Beef, you did that too.

I just want to think of a plan to fix this for you guys, but I only ever have the same dumb damn plan for everything. Fake your own death. Fake my own death. Regular Joe, you're a genius. Chalice. What what let me go of course oh and that way we can even get the reward dead or alive we can get the money money dance money. Money dance. Go. Money dance. Money dance. Go.

Go. Go. Everybody go. Go. Guys, I know there's a spell out there called feign death. And if we can find somebody who knows this spell, they can cast it upon me and I can look fake dead. And you guys can turn me in, do a cool funeral, see who shows up.

I don't know. Maybe do a eulogy for me and i can get your thoughts on me or that but anyway that's besides the point but i think that might be a way to do it i'm game i'm in who do we know who does that spell i will say one time the guy at the tux store stuck a trash bag to me he seemed seemed pretty powerful, I'm being honest. Why were you buying a tux? I don't remember seeing you in a tux. I guess I was buying it to look fancy for somebody that I used to have a crush

on, but now I'm past that because I have a girlfriend. Dish? Her name's Alberta. What do you mean, Dish? Forget it. Oh, God, guys, I hate saying this, but we know a doctor who knows how to do spells. No.

Oh, man. Oh, Dr. Fabe. He's done it before. I'm sorry. Did someone say Dr. Fabe? Oh. No. Sorry.

Son of a... Oh, my gosh, you're covered in hot dog shrapnel. What have you been doing down here? Him and regular joe do like a 45 step secret handshake oh they're friends of course this is bad five steps that's like 10 minutes long oh why did you just show up are you like beetle juice not done yet hold on they're still slapping gosh why is there so much butt in it? Ah, excellent! What are you guys, what are you doing down here?

Well, our buddy, our buddy Chip is in grave danger Oh What happened? You split, you split your finger again? No, you know that thing When you get swallowed by a dragon And burst away out killing it? Yeah You can't do that anymore

Oh, man So, so, uh so you're hiding out here yeah if they catch me i'm dead for sure but here's the thing dead for sure is exactly what i want to be good wordplay chip thank you chalice you're welcome are you looking to feign death yes do you live here like what's going on yeah i got a couple places this place is actually uh dirt cheap just help us out all right at what cost chip you should just turn yourself in sorry this just feels like a lot. What can we do to get you to make me feign death? Oh, well, I mean, if you guys just aren't in a rush,

you want to hang out for a little bit and just kick it. No! No, Chels, we have to. We must. We must hang out. That's the challenge of this episode is hanging out with. Mr. Pibb, we have to do that? Hanging out with Dr. Pibb is the thing we must overcome.

Come on. Dr. Pibb comes back from a tunnel that comes off the pit, and he's got a few loose hot dogs in his hand. No. All right, any takers? Get them while they're cold. They're actually really good cold. I'll take a take.

Yeah, I'll take one. I'll take one. I'm nervous eating. You guys want to play Never Have I Ever? Sure. Yes. All right. Okay.

Okay. Okay Never have I ever Successfully Gone And Saved someone's life In a surgery Oh

Oh god Yeah I mean none of us have done that either But you should have done that I know isn't that so crazy Um here I'll do one have done that either, but you should have done that. I know, isn't that so crazy? Here, I'll do one. Never have I ever had the creepiest facial hair

known to man. Dr. Pibb, you have to... Oh. Dr. Pibb walks back down the tunnel. No, Dr. Pibb, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. It was a joke. We're kidding.

Never have I ever gotten my doctorate. Oh, I'm putting one down. Dr. Pibb also puts one down. Seb, you have your doctorate? Oh, no, I misunderstood the game. Dr. Pibb goes, oh, I did too. I haven't gotten it. Okay.

Okay, okay. Who's next, Beef? Let's think uh never have i ever um mailed a letter what what never have i ever mailed a letter mailing system freaks me out oh i've i've been loving the mail system especially as of late because mail is here mail is here it's all here the mail is here. He comes walking down the tunnel. He's like, you didn't tell me you guys were hanging out. Mail is here. Mail is here. Oh, God.

Got any letters from Alberta? Oh, I actually think I do. It's just right here. Here's the mail for your chair. Everybody loves the mail. It's so's so cool okay just give me just give it to me god i forget how quickly we get sick of him what's it say you know sometimes she starts off with a little joke here and i was telling her about how great it is at the bar. And she said, I want to go to there, you know?

She sent you a letter. It's one line. No, there's more. There's more. She says it's a joke that she wants to come visit you. Yeah. And then she said it's going to be legend. Wait for it.

Dairy. I don't get her inherently. I think 30 rocks could have written a better letter than that. I actually agree with you, for one. Mr. Pip, Dr. Pip. That's a little mean. Okay, she's better than 30 Rocks. She's a real human being. And she's actually not a human being.

She is, ironically enough, she's actually dragonborn. And then regular Joe kind of nudges you and he's like, okay, sorry to interrupt your lie, but... What? kind of nudges you and he's like okay sorry to interrupt your lie uh but what and and dr pibb's coat there right that's the same vial that i drank to fake my own death i think the equivalent of feigned death is in that vial right in his pocket oh okay oh we don't have to hang out with him anymore. Thank God. All right, who's next?

Seb, did you want to do one? Yeah, of course. Never have I ever killed someone outside of an instance of justice. Good, good question. Do accidents count? Yeah, actually, Dr. Pibb, how about you think about all the people

you may have accidentally killed? Mr. Pibb, how about you think about all the people you may have accidentally killed? Mr. Pibb, we established you don't have a doctorate. Yeah, you're just Mr. Pibb now. You are Mr. Pibb. You're not Dr. Pibb. Yeah, good point. Dr. Pibb became Mr. Pibb. Oh my

God. I didn't even think about that. Yes. I'd like to try and stealthily grab the vial from his pocket. Does someone else want to try to distract him? Do we know that we haven't heard it? Okay. I think it's me again. Never have I ever successfully dated one of my best friends.

I've actually been able to remain single this whole time. Some people go, how does he do it? You know? No, they don't. Yes, they do. I mean, yes, they do. He starts to walk down that tunnel again. No, that was a joke.

That's a joke. That's just some classic ribbing. I grab him. I put my arm around him. I say, you're such a catch, Mr. Pibb, even though you don't have a doctorate. And as I'm doing that, I rolled a 20. So I assume. Whoa, nice. Okay. So you lift that right out of his pocket. But you know what? What I was just thinking about

is actually go away. What? Actually, nevermind. We don't need. Oh, go away. Hide and seek? Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. Who wants to hide? Chip, you want to hide?

Me and the crew will seek and you hide. Okay. Give me to the count of, I don't know, at least 15. Okay. How about 15,000? Whoa. Serious stakes. Yeah.

We play it for real, for real. One time Beef was missing for three months. He's so good at this. Yeah, and I started my own colony and I was the mayor of the colony, but then when they found me, I had to dissolve the colony and my mayor And we'll tell you again, Beef,

it was a cult. It was a cult. We got out the box, we did the whole thing. We did the cult box. We had to. Tomato, tomato. All right, let's get out of here. Wait, get out of here. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, go hide. You go hide. Yeah, go hide. Okay. One, two. He tiptoes off really quiet. Oh, my God. Guys, I'm so sorry about that.

Oh, are we actually playing hide and seek? No, Chalice. We're not? No, we're going to get the reward money. I'm going to pretend to be dead and fake my death and then come back. No one told me we were doing trickery. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to do the signal for trickery.

You've got to do the hand signal for trickery or else how am I supposed to know? Now I'm over here looking forward to sardines. Yeah, I just, here's the thing. The trickery signal and the timeout signal look identical. So I'm always worried when I do the trickery signal. It's just that tea. I always feel like when I do it, everybody just stops doing anything. I'm like, no, I'm trying to do a trick right now.

If you don't mind, I'd actually, sorry to interrupt. Oh, I'd like to look for Mr. Pibb. It actually sounds pretty fun. Yeah, we don't care at all. So yourself. Should be a good time. So I pick up the crew. We start walking aimlessly, figuring out the plan.

Great. All right. So what do we need? Like a coffin or something? Or are you guys going to- Funeral pyre. Yeah. What was that?

Funeral pyre. We're going to burn you. No, I will actually die. Oh, sorry. I've not been really listening super well today. Guys, this is my life. We got to take this seriously. I am, I am, I am.

You thought we were about to play hide and seek. You're taking this seriously? Well, now I am. Beef's eating dirty dogs right now, covered in dirt. I'm worried they're mostly dirt, just tubes of dirt. And Seb. Seb, finish it. Say it to me.

You weren't listening. You already addressed this. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. How about this, Chip? You know that wheelbarrow that Beef uses when he's gardening? Yeah.

Yeah, of course. What if we wheel you in on that? And we go, he's dead. Give us the money. We'll make a real show of it. I'll run upstairs and I'll put on my grief clothes. I think what would really sell it too is that they watch him get hit.

I think we should run him over with a car in front of Bottoms Up. Meaning you just wind up and you run over him? Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have an idea. All right, hit us with it. Okay, we give the famed death to Chop at Chop's Chapel,

and we turn in him. Why Chop, though, of all the people? Because he looks just like you. Because he looks just like you. You know why. That guy looks like me? Come on, man. Yeah, of course.

Come on. Okay, I guess I'll take that as a compliment. And then by the time he wakes up, they'll have already given us the money. Oh, yeah. So we're definitely not telling Chop that we're going to do this to him, right? Okay. That feels right up our alley. Seems like if we do this fast enough, we can still get a game of hide and seek in.

Hit it, Chip. All right, I'll put my ass in drive and zoom over to the Chop's Chapel. If you're a listener trying to piece together, you know, what the layout of the town of Frentz is like, Chop's Chapel is across the street from Brad's Pit. So we just wandered around for like 10 minutes discussing that to make it five feet away.

Exactly. Cool. We enter Chop's Chapel. Hey, my favorite customers. Who's getting married this time? You two? I've always thought you two were something special. There was just a real...

Oh, me and Seber. Me and Seber strictly platonic. Yeah. Yeah, actually, two of us are getting married. Me and Chalice are getting married right now, right? Chalice? Yes, we are getting married, and I love my fiance. Yes.

Wait, time out? Time out? Why time out? Not time out. Oh, it's trickery. It's trickery. Never mind. It's trickery.

It's trickery. Wait, you two hmm never saw it okay no go ahead what are you saying uh hmm okay well that doesn't matter uh but we would like to celebrate with a drink first and by that we mean we'd like you to drink something oh hmm a little uh unorthodox but hey, I mean, I want your ceremony. Is this an orthodox church? It is. Yeah, it is. But you know, sometimes we're unorthodox.

Let's see. I got five glasses here and I got a pretty good bottle of wine here. So I'll pop that open and tell me when. Oh, I got it. No, I can pour. It's my big day isn't it yeah yeah that's why i'm pouring come on let me do it he can pour on his big day i actually want it's part of our love story that he yes so oh really why why is that oh it's a long story and it's also a song.

Why time out? Time out? Yeah, this one's a time out. What time out? I take the bottle of wine and I guess I use sleight of hand to try and put the feign death elixir into his cup and nobody else's. Okay.

17. Okay, that works. He does not see that happen. here you go everybody to our love now i want to see while you were talking and said that if you kept track of which one had the feign death in it and if you passed it to the right person so roll a d20 for that okay oh no 14 i guess we'll see oh no chalice my dear and i pull out a letter from alberta uh that hurts chalice's feelings a little bit if every word i said could make you laugh i'd talk forever i asked the sky just what we had. It showed forever. If the joy I sing to you could fill your heart with love,

I'd sing it forever. And as you're saying that, Seb, you can see that his eyes aren't looking at you anymore. Oh, no. And he starts kind of like, his head starts moving forward and down, but it's just because he's not listening and Chop passes out.

Oh, thank God. Looks straight up dead. Wait, what happened? Why is he on the ground? Are you guys getting married? I do the T in both their faces. Trickery. Trickery.

Trickery. Okay, should we just, how about if it's a timeout, we do full hands. If we do trickery, it's just fingers. That sounds complicated. Okay. You got those big meaty fingers that look like hands to me. It looks like hands. Wait, before we go in there, guys, I got to get a costume or a disguise, right?

I'm way ahead of you, buddy. And Beef like goes out the back door and then he comes back and you hear like drilling and hammering and like what the hell is going on back there and he and he comes back from behind the church and he's pushing his wheelbarrow and it says um with fresh paint on it a wig wagon 2.0 and uh it's filled to the brim with wigs, dresses, suits. I thought you were going to go back there, make all that noise, come back and just put a

name tag that says Chop. Instead of describing it right now, can we cut to us dropping off the body? Yes. You guys are just outside of Bottoms Up now. I feel like Chalice is jealous that he had a disguise, so she's wearing a wig too.

And obviously Chip is dressed as the master of disguise. Well, which version? He has many disguises. Yeah, come on. What is it? The turtle version. He's dressed like a turtle.

Yeah. So huge shell, bald head, circular sunglasses. Yeah, bow tie bow tie yeah okay so what if like a couple of us weekend at bernie's chop him fighting with seb or chip and then we see like the final blow so it's basically like they're doing a puppet show fight sequence. And then we go like, he's dead. And we do it on the, we go across the street and to their roof. And so it's all sort of the silhouettes of it happening. Well, as we all know, Seb's a master puppeteer.

So it should be Seb. It should be Seb. I'll run the bar and get him to come outside. Nice. I put up the tea again. Time out? Trickery. No, trickery. It's time for trickery. Trickery. When he says time out, they all run back in like soccer players when their coach

says time out. They're like waiting to get more instructions. No, trickery. Sorry, this was for trickery. God damn it. It's time for trickery. Back into position. Okay, hands in. Trickery on three. One, two, three. Time out. Trickery. Back into position. Okay, hands in. Trickery on three. One, two, three. Time out.

Trickery. No. Got it. Sorry. Sorry. I'm nervous. Beef bursts through the front door, bottoms up. Everyone stops what they're doing.

And goes, And then Beef goes, And he's like speaking in their language. Basically telling them that there's a show outside, a big fight's happening outside and they all should come. Because you did it in their language, roll for,

actually roll for deception with advantage. So take the best of two rolls. I got 17. That first one's good enough. You're good. So they all come running out looking for a dragon slayer to either arrest or kill. In that moment, I'm moving Chop's body just perfectly. Like just like you're really seeing just years of practice

and just kind of the fact that I've been doing this since I was four and a half. It's just kind of coming through everything. And I'm doing the voice and I go, that's right. I killed a dragon and I do it again. I would get swallowed and I would burst out. I do it again. And I'm playing out to the to the stage, like kind of just like really projecting and everything. Just doing a great theatrical job. A great

WWE heel, right? Just a great villain of WrestleMania. Have you guys ever seen clips of the play War Horse or one of those incredible puppet shows where they really make... Oh, like Lion King. Yeah, I feel like that is the level of performance. I have like sticks.

Yeah, he's like the sticks. It's very artistic. I have like a black leotard on. You can technically see the sticks, but you're such an artist that our eyes like make them disappear. Because this is something you're proficient in and with the way you all staged it, you're going to get to roll with advantage on this as well. 18 minus one is 17. People are convinced and a little compelled.

It's just good. It's time to die, Dragon Slayer. Weird voice, weird voice, man. It's the turtle voice. Oh, that's right. That's right. You're perfect. You're actually perfect.

That's right. It's me, not Chip. Ahoy. My name's actually perfect. That's right. It's me, not Chip. Ahoy. My name's actually Dan A. Carvey. Come to kill you. Fun. Now, a bunch of the last men standing are actually starting to come across the street and climb because they want to be the one to kill him to get the reward.

I think Chalice and Beef can take care of these guys. Could I do a quick gust? One of them fails their strength saving throw and gets pushed back five feet and goes, what the hell? But then several others are still making their way kind of to the roof, which means you should probably have your death happen soon.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure with feigned death, the target has resistance to all damage holy shit so i just stabbed the crap out of this guy oh my god oh brother like it gets so violent and brutal that even the mercenaries the last man standing are like oh yeah and like turn around oh my god and I still chuck him off the roof

and he is lying there by all appearances very dead and so Aime Talon walks up looks down looks up and goes not bad pretty good work come on down here and claim your award up and goes, not bad. Pretty good work. Come on down here and claim your reward.

Alright, might take me a while because I'm a turtle. That's our friend. We're friends with the turtle. Chalice sort of walks over and is trying to be associated with that moment. Yeah, that's my friend. I'm friends with the turtle. Weren't you guys also friends with the dead guy?

Yeah, but he was and this guy our friend turtle guys yeah you guys all ran out together he likes he saved you guys no we ran after him no we were hostages yeah we're trying to get him we're on we've is that what you thought was happening there oh my god that's what they thought was happening. That's so crazy. Beep, isn't that nuts? That's so nuts, girly. Yeah, I'm actually the classic fourth member of the crew, Dan A. Carvey. I did the thing where I killed the guy that did the thing where he got swallowed by a dragon. Now, Chip, why don't you roll for deception?

If you can name any line from The Master of disguise without looking it up besides turtley for the turtle club i'll give you advantage i'm going to be the master of disguise i'm going to be the master of disguise i shit i forgot about that one okay roll again oh yes i got a 20, non-natural. Nice. Okay, so he squinted at you for a moment and then was like, this guy's weird. I'm not going to count my blessings here. I'm not going to lick a gift horse in the mouth. Here we go.

We got one. I'm going to get paid double for this from Prince Milk Nip, and he's fine. He hands you a sack of gold. 500 gold pieces are in that sack. You know what? We got it. We'll take the body to Prince Milk Nip ourselves.

I appreciate the offer, friend. But, I mean, I don't know if they're going to be doing the same situation that we're doing. I mean, ah, shit. Okay. I mean, they'll pay you double there. So, I get it. You were trying to rip us off? that we're doing i mean ah shit okay uh i mean they'll pay you double there so i get what you were trying to rip us off well you know we pay someone 500 uh we get paid a thousand if we do it so you know that's how it goes oh well i can't blame you uh well love you bye love you

all right let's get him back we roll chop back into bottoms up and wait for him to wake up man i gotta say we we did a really good job you guys today we really worked well as a team he's setting up beef setting up glasses for everybody even um chop he puts a glass in front of chop i think we really did a real good job. Yeah, we don't celebrate our accomplishments enough. And I want to play hide and seek if that's not too much trouble for you. I'm down. Let's have Chop count.

Okay, ready? Let's go hide. We all go hide from Chop, who's just dead. Who's just pretending to be dead. What hiding spot do you think you guys would pick? Chalice goes like 14 miles and hollows out a tree and then covers herself in leaves and grass and hides in that tree. Seb constructs a false wall in the bar, kind of just like making it look exactly like the wall,

but it's like about two feet in and I go inside there and I'm there for two and a half weeks. Chip just hides right behind him and he'll try and just stay right behind him for two and a half weeks. And then where does beef go? Beef's on Chip's back. And, uh, on Chip's back. And Chip has no idea. Yay! And, uh, Chalice, when you go to, like, kind of, like, adjust where you're at inside

that tree, you hear, oh! And then Mr. Piff goes, you found me! Well, shoot! Alright, alright. Ah! No! Oh, God, no! Hello, everybody.

It's Elizabeth Andrews in your cute little ears here to tell our L.A.-based friends and listeners that the next Illuminati Hour show is October 5th at 7 p.m. at the Yard Theater. So if you're hankering for some live variety comedy, come on out. We'd love to see you. If you want to stay up to date on upcoming shows and lineups, please follow us on Instagram at The Illuminati Hour. But it doesn't stop there, y'all. The next Wednesday, our buddies Wet Bus will be performing as well.

Same time, same place. It's all part of our new, cool Chai Lacks Collective that we're doing every Wednesday at the Yard Theater. You can see any kind of Chicago-style comedy show. We'd love to see you.

Come on out. And if you can't make it, kisses still. We'd love to see you. Come on out. And if you can't make it, kisses still. We love you. Till next time. Toodaloo. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs,

Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Pera wrote the theme song and Sean Marr did the editing on this one. Join our Patreon and help us get closer to achieving our stretch goal of 500 And I'll see you next time. access to over 30 hours of content instantly. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.