SitcomD&D - S2 E8: Some Beef

Episode Date: October 4, 2022

FLASHBACK: Once upon a time, there was a pig named Beef. He loved his birthday, his family, and his three spider friends. But Beef was no ordinary pig. In fact, he didn’t look or act like a pig. He was filled with music, magic, and optimism. Will this little “pig” be able to save the day and find himself? Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Beef song by Arne Parrott and Elizabeth Andrews, Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Grace Harper Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Here's another Google thing that we're putting into Google. I know. Elizabeth and I, we think that Google is going to cut us off soon. Because we Google things that are too weird. You're asking Google too many questions. You guys, I've never heard of this. Never?

Really? Never. This dodged me completely. I don't even recognize these bottles. Wow. Lucky you. We're going to do a I Want Your Bod commercial marathon after this tonight. I can't wait.

I thought you were going to say we were going to put one in the middle of our podcast. Yeah, we're going to start out. You guys, let's start advertising for them. Let's see if they start sponsoring us. For free. Oh, my God. Are we allowed to do that? Bod fragrance. I don't even

know if they still make products. I doubt they do. We'll bring them back. Let's help them out. Let's start a change.org or whatever. Petition. A Kickstarter. Yeah, whatever you call those. Yeah, Kickstarter. I can get a four pack off Instacart for $8.99.

It could be at my house in less than two hours. That honestly shocks me. Well, honey, what are we doing? Press that button and get it going. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. And for this episode, y'all, we open in the woods just outside of France at dawn. We push through the trees alongside the first rays of morning to find a pile of serenely sleeping piglets. They toss and turn and snuggle deeper into their pink rotund brothers and sisters for warmth. And about 10 feet away from this pile, shivering from the chilliness of an early morning,

is Beef. Curled up in a ball to keep himself warm, the little halfling looks even smaller than usual. And that's because he is. What we are seeing is beef as a child. And this is our second flashback episode. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Oh, dice. When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef

At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains and fill a cup find Sebastian Chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up as step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day we're in different worlds with different

strokes but the good times will not end so cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as

Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Beef, the morning sun that has begun to peek through the trees wakes you up and brings some much-needed warmth to your skin. And almost immediately with waking consciousness,

you remember today is your birthday. Before we get too carried away here though, Elizabeth, why don't you describe what Beef looks like as a child? Okay. Beef as a child is like truly a mini version of what he looks like as a man. The only difference is that he's wearing a vest The hair is the same So is he bald? Yeah, still, on top Does he have chest hair? He has a couple little chest hairs poking out of his shirt But the V up top and the V below are still

He's still rocking that Okay, so Beef just woke up And yeah, it's his little birthday Calabunga! I'm awake and yeah, it's his little birthday. Calabunga! I'm awake. Okay. Thank God.

I did it. Woke up. Scratches his belly. Breakfast? Lunch? Breakfast! It's my birthday. Maybe they have a breakfast slop for me. Birthday slop.

And just as you say that, a few of your siblings start to stir and wake up because you're talking out loud to yourself, but still talking. And you're only a couple feet away from them. And so as we know, a couple of your siblings are named Tantor, Turk, and Rosie O'Donnell are a few of the names of your siblings. And Tantor is a pig, but has pigtails too, on either side of her head. Rosie is wearing a garland of roses around his neck. Love it. And Turk's got a old school 90s basketball hat on his head backwards.

Oh, and I want a flat top. I want a flat top. Yeah, I also have a flat top hidden underneath my snapback. It will be revealed later, though. Perfect. Perfect. Good morning. Y'all, what's all that fuss about?

Who's up? Who's waking me up in this morning? Y'all, what is that fuss about? Who's up? Who's waking me up in this morning? Y'all, what is that fuss about? I reckon it's that freaking little bald-ass, stupid-ass, mother-effer, Beef. Beef.

A good morning. Quit humming and kicking shit. Beef, you're kicking my side. And Beef plops right into the middle of them. Oh. Oh, Beef, good morning. Good morning. Hey, guys. It's great to wake up in the morning, right?

I'd rather sleep through this day if you don't mind. Oh, the sun is up. The sun is shining, guys. We got to go play in the water and hawk rocks at a cliff. Uh, we're going to play in the water, but you're not invited, Beef. Well, I always play lifeguard, though. I'm always the lifeguard. You guys need a lifeguard at the lake.

As long as lifeguard means you stay the F away from us, then sure, play away. Keep your distance. You stink. Yeah, you stink. That's saying something coming from three little pigs. You stink like shit, and your face is dumb. Right, guys? Oh, you got something right there in your vest, Beef?

What is it? Beef looks down and then Tantor punches Beef across. Whoa! And Beef goes flying. Okay, so Beef, you actually take three damage from that unarmed strike there. Incredible. Good hit, Tantor. Wait, wait, wait.

I want to do it. I want to do it. Hey, you have something on your vest. Oh, wait. What is it? Beef looks down again. I can't do it. I can't do it.

My timing was off. I'm just going to walk away. I'm just going to walk away. But can you imagine? No, I'll give it a shot. Where is it? Now, Beef, it's right there. Do you not see it? It's right here. It's not right. And Beef keeps looking down. I don't see anything. I give him a

noogie. Do you noogie for damage? I noogie for damage because it's got a bald ass head, full fist, full knuckles into baldness. Yeah, you know what, Beef? We call you behind your back. What? Caillou.

Because you're a bald little kid for no reason. Caillou. Caillou. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. All the way home. I wish I could wee. You don't know how to wee, kicks and shins. Ow!

Little child Beef, take two more hits of damage for the noogie. Okay, six out of 12, guys. And it's just the morning. Hey, Rosie and Turk. Yeah? We should, um, wink, wink, give beef his birthday present, shouldn't we? Oh, yeah. I got you something really nice.

Turk, Turk, give me your hat. Here's my snapback hat. A flat top is revealed. That's promised. Turk, and I put a bunch of mud, and then I spit in it, and then I pass it around for you guys to spit in it. Beef spits in it, too.

Stop doing that. You're not a part of this No What do you mean? We're spitting in the hat We're playing the game Spitting in the hat You get to wear

S*** crown And then I just Shove it And it's so big It goes over Beef's eyes And just kind of runs down Beef's sides of his face I did it

Was that too much? Tell me that was good Come on You did great, Rosie Yeah, thank you That's exactly what we plan holy hell holy hell pickled eggs and pepper oh oopy goopy i'm covered in oopy i think i gotta go to the lake but it's at this point that beef's parents emerge from the underbrush

and their names are obviously tarzan and jane and j. Kids, kids, enough fooling around. It's time. It's time. Everybody line up. Yes, mama. All the little piglets and beef line up. And there's about 15 of them. As they line up, Tantor farts in her hand and then slaps beef with it.

Hot pocket. Hot pocket. Hot pocket. We mean the same thing We're talking about the same thing Now kids Come on Stop

Stop fooling around Now as you know This year The mayor himself Will be picking The best of the best To be the blue ribbon hogs At this year's town fair

The blue ribbon hogs Blue ribbon hogs We we we We we we I know How exciting right Now We would love to send at this year's town fair. The Blue Ribbon Hogs. Blue Ribbon Hogs. Wee, wee, wee. Wee, wee, wee. I know. How exciting, right? Now, we would love to send in all of you for consideration, but we can only send in three of you.

Mama, please send me to go. You know I'm the best hog in town. Please, Mama. You know it's got to be me, Mama. Oh, I didn't even hear what you said, but look at me pig around in this mud oh just kind of rooting around in this mud what were you mama you gotta pick rosie tantor and i we we we're the top three little piglets you got i hope i get picked i hope i hope beef thinks beef thinks that he's going to get picked. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, get out of here. Quiet down, quiet down. Now, and for whoever does get picked, you should know that the fair is going to have way more folks there than you're used to being around and, you know, way more new things and experiences. So remember, for whoever does get picked, stay away from magic and music.

It's the devil's work, and it will only bring you despair. Yes, mama. Okay, now that that's out of the way, without any further ado, the three of you that we're going to send to the fair in hopes of being awarded blue ribbons are... Drum roll. Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Tantor, Turk, and Rosie.

I knew it! Tantor farts at beef again and starts high-fiving her best friend's siblings. I knew it'd be us! Oh, a perfect jump hug executed by the three of us. Rosie tries to fart and do the same thing but eyes get really big like something came out um hey hey mom yes sweetie um i don't want to uh say that i love

your picks your choices but i i was kind of hoping maybe maybe this year um i could be one of the pigs that gets picked. It's my birthday. Oh, right. And of course, we didn't forget. And tell you what, why don't you do your best piggery, and I'll give you one last shot. Just do your best piggery right now, and we'll see. Maybe we can sneak you in the lineup. Just do your best piggery right now and we'll see. Maybe we can sneak you

in the lineup. Okay. All the siblings sort of gather around laughing, crossing their arms knowing that this isn't even... Beef. Okay, I'll give you my best wee. Wee. Moo.

Oh my god Moo No He's mooing like a cow How embarrassing Hardy, hardy Okay, I'm sorry honey It's clear to me that I just set you up for failure there That was not good parenting

Good one mom, that was hysterical No, no, not my intention. I'm so, honey, you know what? And then she looks over at Tarzan and goes, Daddy, you've been awfully quiet today. I don't even remember what your voice sounds like. He just looks at the kids and almost like he just remembered that you're even there and goes, Classic daddy. The stoic top, always and forever. Daddy says more with a single grunt than a thousand words of a poet. Beef looks up at Jane and Tarzan with tears in his eyes and he says,

I'm sorry. I don't know what just happened. Honey, you don't have anything to apologize. No, no, no. I'm a freak. And he runs off into the woods. And they chase after you. And they find you by a little stream. They approach you real quiet and soft.

And they go, hi, beef. We're here. Are you all right? No, I can't wee and I can't fart. And I wish so much that I could be like them, but I know I'm not. I feel like you're really going to figure out that second one in the future. As for the first one, well, take a look at our faces and bodies and just describe what you see. Your face and my body?

No. Real simple. Just look at, how about just my face? What do you see? I see kind eyes and rock and bod Let's keep it to the face Oh, um Little ears

Oh my god, beef say snout We're watching from the bushes The answer is snout Hey, hey Don't even bother, Turk He's never gonna get it Kids, out of here Out of here

Two eyes in the mud open up And I get out of it and I just walk away like that. I was so good at hiding. Yeah, Rosie O'Donnell is an expert hider. But you're right. You're right, honey. You see little ears, triangle ears, and then a snout. They were right. Yeah, my snout just is a little different than yours.

Why don't you look in the stream there? Why don't you look at your reflection and tell me what you see when you look at your reflection in the stream, honey? Well, I look down at the stream. And then I look at my hands. And I look up at you and I go, these hands are small, I know. They're not yours. They are mine. That's right,

honey. I don't know if there's any other way of saying this except for, you know, you're adopted. What? Yeah. Yeah. Skirt.

Skit. Beep, beep. Back it up. Beep's backing up. Beep, beep, beep. yeah whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa skirt beep beep beep backing up and beef's backing up beep beep beep

what the heck he puts his hand over his eyes like he's looking for something huh huh what'd you say whoa

sound the alarms wah wah wah wah wee wah what two hours pass but what does that mean? Well, honestly, we were kind of hoping you'd come to this conclusion on your own at a certain point. But, you know, that was just us trying to dodge our parental responsibilities, I guess.

And Tarzan grunts. No. Oh. Now. I thought you were there, Daddy. All that means is you're still one of our kids, and you always will be. You just didn't come from us biologically. Well, then where did I come from, Mommy and Daddy?

Honey, it doesn't matter where you came from, okay? That's not what's important. What's important is you are a part of this family, okay? Even if you're adopted of course it but it does matter mom and he kind of like shoves her but like how a kid would shove a parent and she moves nowhere and he falls backwards oh you know what i I hate you, mom. I hate everybody. And he jumps into the stream

and he says, stream, take me away. And if we can afford it, we'll put in, take me away. A higher price. A higher wage. My greatest gift.

Guys, I just looked it up and that costs $3 to put in our episode. Pretty cool. We don't have it. I just looked it up and that costs $3. Pretty cool. We don't have it. And that's why you're not hearing it. Now, Beef, you know that you have a special place you go whenever you need a good cry. And it's in a hollowed out fallen tree about a mile north from your family's home.

And their mud wallows. So we're going to pick up there as you enter this hollowed out tree, crouched, holding your knees close to your chest, crying. You don't know where you came from. You don't know who you are. No wonder Turk and Tantor and Rosie always make fun of you. You deserve it. Stinky.

You're stinky. You can't even fart. He tries to fart. I can't believe that that is breaking my heart. The fact that Beef can't fart. It's a huge deal. It's like Adele not knowing she can sing. Why don't you roll perception 16 perfect you look up in the corner and you see a spider web and written in web is the text what's wrong beef question mark but beef certainly can't read at

this point and i'm honestly not sure if he can read as an adult either. So really, you just see an intricate, pretty-looking web that you know was made by the spider known as Good Charlotte. Just then, three black spiders, each about the size of a gold piece, rappel down from the web to be eye-level with Beef. And Beef, you know these three spiders to be your three best friends and confidants. And their names are Good Charlotte, Hawthorne Heights, and Jimmy Eat World. Not now, guys. Not now. No, I'm not in the mood. Happy birthday, Beef. Why, happy birthday.

I'm not in the mood, guys. What's the matter? Good Charlotte lands on Beef's shoulders and starts giving him a little shoulder rub with her tiny little spider arms. And they're all wearing birthday hats. I just needed a place to get away. I'm sorry to be such a bother. Hey, Beef, here's the thing about birthdays. It doesn't matter whether or not you're in the mood. It's still your birthday.

Oh, my God, Jimmy. Jimmy. Beef, what happened? I've never seen you this sad. Tell us. I woke up like I always do, Calabunga style and yeah i just like oh funny uh-huh of course classically wonderful so funny and i was strapped up and strapped in for a birthday bash of sloppy porridge and well you know my favorite brothers and sisters, you know, Turk, Tantor, and Rosie,

they had a big old pile of mean pie ready for me when I woke up. And they were making fun of me and doing all that fart stuff that I've been telling you about that I've been trying to learn. And then what happened? And then I ran to a river or a stream, a baby river, and my mom followed me, and she said something to me that was really wild and has really tripped me up, and I really don't know what it means.

What did she say? What did she say? What did she say? She said I was adopted? All the spiders look at each other like we definitely knew that already. What? No. Oh. And then they start doing the exact same thing that beef did back it's two hours of that i've never told anyone this before

but i've always felt like i didn't fit in, that I was like a bad son or whatever. Not because of how I looked or whatever, but because I've always secretly... I've always secretly been drawn to magic and music. Oh, gosh. The very things your mom doesn't like. Yeah, right, Charlotte. Everyone's going to the fair today, and my sister and brother got picked as the best pigs to get looked at, and I don't know. I just feel like such a pile of... what is it? Doo-doo-caw-caw?

Yeah, doo-doo-caw-caw. Thank you, Hearthorn. That's what I was looking for. Of course! Of course. Beef, you don't need a blue ribbon to prove you're the best pig. You already have a blue ribbon for us to prove that you're the best, Beef. You don't need to be a pig to be loved. And you know what I heard? I heard that you can find an award every time you look in a still puddle of water. What do you see when you look into a still puddle of water?

Just these hands and how small they are. Bend over a little more. Yeah, a little more. The angle's not great. You guys aren't going to push me in, are you? With these little legs? No, Beef, it's us. We don't have the mass to pull off something like that. Well, I

guess I see me. What an award that is. That's better than being any pig. Well, I guess I see me. And what an award that is. That's better than being any pig. Well, I guess I get what you guys are saying. So you guys are saying I should go to the fair and I should put myself up for the contest. And then I'm going to win the award and then show my family that I am the best pig. And then they're going to go, wow, you are the best pig. And we love you. And then they're going to put me up on their shoulder, pig shoulders.

And wee, wee, wee all the way home. Yeah. No, no, sorry. Wait, no. No, that's not it at all. No, not even close. No, you've already won the award. Did you not get that from the puddle?

You guys are so right. Thank you so much. And he gives a little kiss on each spider's head. You guys, thank you so much for talking this out. That's exactly what I needed. Off to the fair I go. Stream, take me away. And he jumps into the stream.

Good, Charlotte does the Spider-Man web trick. A web sling? Web sling to Beef's vest. But we never quite get to him. We're sort of just being dragged by our webs. And you're off, marching deeper into the deep wood to win yourself that blue ribbon.

And after marching for a few hours, you are suddenly struck with the thought that you have never actually traveled this far alone before. And now that you have never actually traveled this far alone before. And now that you think about it, this area of the deep wood doesn't look very familiar. So, Beef, why don't you roll a survival check with disadvantage? Uh-oh.

Okay, that's a nine. So, ten with disadvantage. Oh, nine was the worst out of the two? Oh, wait, yeah. Wait, let me roll again. Well, no, seven is the worst out of the two? Oh, wait, yeah. Wait, let me roll again. Well, no, seven is the worst out of the two. So seven's pretty bad. You are definitely lost in the deep one. Oh, no. Oh, guys. Guys, Jimmy. Jimmy, do you know where we are? Oh, oh, oh, nice. We're in the woods. Yeah, but we got to get out of the woods, right? Man, I've never been this far away from home before.

I don't know what I'm doing. Go that way. Okay. That's up. Ah, shoot. Someone else go. Okay, go that way. He's pointed up again.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm a spider. What if I give it a shot and beef you hear this voice and you have no idea where it's coming from i could probably help you get to where you need to go oh hi hi oh no sorry the weirdest thing is happening right now, guys. I hear somebody. Do you guys hear them? No. We heard you say hi to us, but that's about it. Yeah, hello. They don't hear me because I'm talking to you from inside your head via magic.

Oh my god, get out of my head! Get out of my head! I'm not in it! Although we do sound very alike. Yes. sorry. I'm in a bit of a jam, and if you help me out of it, I promise you that I will help you get to wherever it is that you're trying to go. Now, there's a shallow cave just off to the left. Do you see that? shallow cave just off to the left. Do you see that? I, if I have your coordinates correct mapped out in my head, based on sensing where you are, I am just up to the left inside that shallow cave. Please enter. No, no, thank you. Wait, why not? First off, stranger danger. Second off, magic no-no. And third off, you didn't even ask me my name.

What is your name? My name's Beef. What's your name? Well, allow myself to introduce myself. My name is... I don't remember. I apologize. You see, I'm lost in powers far greater than even my own comprehension. As of late, I have been doomed to travel in and out of space and time. So for now, why don't you call me that which I currently am?

Lost in Powers. Interdimensional man of mystery. Well, Mr. Lost in Powers, I gotta tell you, maybe this is a good thing for you. Because magic ain't a good thing to have on your plate. It's gonna ruin you like it ruined every bad person that used it that's what my mom always told me well beef listen if you help me out of my current predicament i will show you how magic can be good and if you still think it's bad i promise to never practice it again well one second i gotta consult with my friends guys um there's this guy that wants me to go

into this cave and i don't know if i should do it or not well this is what you do you just look in that puddle right there and the answer is right there just the same as last time jimmy i feel like that doesn't apply every time oh it does it does not work every time. I think we're just going to be lazy in our advice. You know what, Beef? I say go for it, and we'll be here to protect you. Shing! And she brings out like a spider-sized sword. A spider-sized sword?

It hide us in your little vest pocket, and if anything happens, we'll figure out what to do. Yes. Okay. It's kind of weird. Hawthorne, he sounds a lot like you, but he said it's not you, and you say it's kind of weird hawthorne he sounds a lot like you but he said it's not you and you say it's not him so i can assure you i am i am different okay okay here he looks up into it the top of his head uh hey if you're still there i'm on my way

shagadelic baby yeah Shagadelic, baby. Shagadelic indeed. Can't wait to meet you. Okay, so you walk into the cave and you see right against the cave wall is a huge block of ice. And upon closer inspection, you see that inside the ice is a man, frozen. That's me. Oh, wow. That's you?

That's why I can't talk using my mouth. I'm communicating via telepathy. And what I need you to do is get me out of this ice. Okay, you're not like some bad guy though, right? Like I'm not going to unleash some absolute nastiness on the world here letting you out, am I? Good question, Beef. Thank you. I'm really proud of you. Good question.

Thank you, Charlotte. It would be a lie to say that I am all good. For in each complex creature created by the universe, we hold both good and bad close to our centers. But like, mostly I'm a good guy. Like a pretty normal, decent dude. Uh, hey, guys, can you hear

this or is it only my head? Because this guy is giving me monologues. Nope. But we can read your face really well, Beef, and we can hear what you're saying back to him. So through context clues, we're figuring it out and we think hear what you're saying back to him so through context clues we're figuring it out and we think you're doing a good job yeah 50 50 yeah it sounds good this guy's saying he's good and bad but mostly good well that's kind of everybody i feel like that you

know it's hard to judge a moral compass of somebody so i mean there's good and bad at the center of a person it's both i thought it was a tootsie pop you said it was a tootsie pop at the center of a person. It's both. I thought it was a Tootsie Pop. You said it was a Tootsie Pop at the center. No, that was an owl who told you that. Oh, yeah. That was the owl. Bitch. That son of a bitch lied to me. And when I see him again,

I am going to give him a run for his money. Alright, let's get this guy out of here. What's your plan? Well, I start to lick it thinking how many licks. Is it like the Tootsie Roll? One, a-ta-hoo. Two.

A-three. A-hoo. By lick 50, a-hoo, I decide that it's not going to really work. And I make a little fire torch. Okay, cool. How do you make a little fire? I go out and get some brush and some twigs. And then I get a little fire torch. Okay, cool. How do you make a little fire? I go out and get some brush and some twigs and

then I get a rock and I get another rock and I find some sun and I make a little flint and I burst the brush and yeah, I can't believe I got this far deciding. This is great. I think that also

because you're the only one of your family members that has human hands, yeah, I can't believe I got this far deciding. No, this is great. I think that also because you're the only one of your family members that has human hands. Yeah. Opposable thumbs. That you are going to be proficient in this and we'll use your dexterity here. So I'm going to give you advantage

on this fire starting roll. So first roll is 10. Second roll is 12. You get a spark going. Now you gotta turn that spark into a bigger flame. I guess we could use my weapon that we were going to use against him in case

he is evil, but we just have to use it now, I guess. And it's a little green goblin bomb. Nice. Okay, your little green goblin bomb is just what Okay, your little green goblin bomb is just what you needed to turn that spark into a flame with a brush. So you've got an active flame going.

Are you going to try to build a fire next to the ice? Is that the idea? Well, I guess I'll put a bunch of brush around the ice cube and then set all the brush on fire and then it'll melt the cube. But he's got to get out of there quick because he's going to get out of there quick because

he's going to start getting cooked all right the fire is going and it is slowly but surely melting the cube and as the cube starts to melt down the head of lost in powers becomes exposed and as soon as his full head is exposed something happens where the ice explodes away from him. He is back, his powers are back, and there's an awesome blue light coming from him. So now in front of you is standing an ancient wizard wearing beautiful blue velvet robes. Yeah, baby, yeah!

As he stretches out. Oh, my God. Look at this guy. Yeah, baby, yeah! As he stretches out. Oh my God, look at this guy. Guys, are you looking at what I'm looking at? Wowie, zowie. Yeah, I got eight eyes and I can see him. Well, as promised, I will give you, in exchange for helping me, an ever-changing map. And he hands you a piece of parchment. Ooh, shiny. Gimme, gimme, gimme. an ever-changing map. And he hands you a piece of parchment. Ooh.

Shiny. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Okay, be gentle with it. It is a piece of parchment. You're really gripping it tight. Okay. And what, you've got very sticky hands. Yeah.

Maybe just wipe them on your little tunic and vest before grabbing it. Okay. Oh, shoot. Now my tunic is stuck to my hands. Oh, boy. How about I just hold it and I'll show you how it works. Okay, okay.

So you speak your desired location and it will appear on the parchment. But what makes this map magic is that it will constantly re-ink itself instantaneously to show you where you are and the direction you need to move. Yeah, baby, yeah. Shagadelic! Yeah, Shaggy Shag! Now you get it. Yeah!

But that's not all I'm going to give you. My man, you don't have to repay me in any way. As long as you're... Beef, three wishes or something. You are terrible at bargaining, but that is something I can certainly forgive you for Oh, man And you know why I think you are? I think you're down on your confidence

I sense a deep lack of self-worth radiating from your tiny body Well, thank you His siblings call him Caillou. Because he's a bald kid and it doesn't make any sense? Yeah. For no reason. Not even a little.

Yeah. No, I get it. That's actually, that's devastatingly good. Um, I think I might have something for someone in your position

whose self-worth is through the floor. All right. I'm gonna keep bringing it up. And he ruffles through his, like, robes. And he brings out a vial of, like, mostly clear liquid and goes, This is a very special potion of my own design, a magical concoction that I refer to as mojo.

And I'm going to bestow it to you. And if there's a time where you feel like you need to bring it, so to speak, where you need to have confidence in yourself and your abilities and who you are, drink this and the rest will take care of itself. Beef has one finger in his belly button as the other hand grabs the vial. Okay, drink this.

Cool, I can do that. When the time is right, when the time is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drink this. Drink it. Don't put it in your belly button. Don't put it in your belly button. Okay, well, I'll put it in my vest pocket then,

but I really want to put it in my belly button. Don't smash us. Don't smash us. Sorry about that. Good Charlotte's rubbing Hawthorne's back and sort of looking up at Beef.

Like, come on, man. And Jimmy's looking over at Hawthorne and Charlotte rubbing each other and is super jealous. Oh, yeah, there's a subplot. There's a love triangle

between these two. Yeah, you guys are definitely all three together, right? Well, it's complicated, Beef. I wish. We're kind of on a break right now. Also, I sense that you're on a break right now. Also, I

sense that you're on a dangerous quest. So before you go, I want to teach you something. Something that will hopefully keep you protected and safe in the future. It is a fighting technique. Even if you don't have a weapon, you can attack and

potentially knock someone unconscious if they fail a saving throw. And that is called the judo chop. The judo chop. I heard cheeto. Gabby, if you definitely hear cheeto chop. Yeah, I hear cheeto chop. No, it's judo.

Cheeto chop. That's cool. And he does like a choppy motion into the air. Cheeto chop. Well, I's judo. Judo chop. That's cool. And he does like a choppy motion into the air. Judo chop. Well, I haven't taught you yet. Okay. You're already walking away. He's chopping the air. Judo, judo, judo chop. Judo, judo

chop. Judo and chop. Best of luck, little one. I bid thee a fond farewell. It was nice to see you, sir. To meet you and to squeeze you. And he runs back and he gives him a hug. Now, off I cheeto and off I chop. Oh, behave. Well, Beef, I guess strangers aren't so bad.

And I guess magic turned out to not be so bad after all either. Hey, Charlotte, you're actually right. I've always been taught that magic is bad news because it's always people not wanting to answer a question. I guess it turns out stranger no danger. All strangers are great and we should approach them all. Hey, psst.

Kid, kid. I got some candy if you want some candy. Oh, look, a new friend. Maybe they'll teach you a new chop. He pulls out a knife still dripping with blood. Is this in my head or are my eyes deceiving me? This is real.

This is real. Well, I got to Cheeto chop this guy. Okay, roll for unarmed strike, but with Cheeto chop, you get a whopping plus five to your attack roll with an unarmed strike with Cheeto Chop. Pretty good. And if they fail a saving throw of 10, they are unconscious. I rolled a 14. That's with the plus five.

Okay. This guy's pretty weak, so that hits. Wow. And he rolled an eight. Says, Cheeto, chop! And he takes both of his hands, slat out, and he chops both sides of his neck. And this stranger,

who was definitely going to bring some danger, drops to the ground completely unconscious. Wow. My God. And he looks at his hands, and he goes, they're small. I know. And he looks at his hands and he goes, they're small.

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the main entrance of the festival to a booth where fresh, hot corn is being served. Now, you know you don't have any money. And right now, the person who's working the corn booth is dealing with another customer and hasn't even noticed you because you're pretty small. And this corn is making your tummy rumble because you haven't eaten all day. And it's is making your tummy rumble because you haven't eaten all day and it's your birthday. So what are you going to try to do? Should I sell my vial?

I think your vial is worth way more than a cob of corn. Just to give you the street value, way more. How many cobs? Thousands of cobs of corn. Oh. Whoa, that sounds like what I want, though. But no, no, no, no, beef, no, no. Maybe they just understand if, and his fingers are like doing the dancing, like dancing, like hovering over. Like he's like, ooh, maybe if I just yoink one of them, if I just yoink the smallest one, they won't notice.

And I'm going to yoink. Okay, roll for sleight of hand. Ooh, 17 plus 3. Hell yeah. That corn is stolen. Officially yoinked. Officially yoinked. Yoink. And I want to share a kernel with each of my

pals in my breast pocket. Oh my god, that almost smashed us. What are you doing? It's okay. I'm just really happy you're here. I'm here too. Oh, hi. Thank you, Beef.

Oh, thank you, Beef. Oh, yes. I, Hathorn, thank you deeply. And as you're chomping on this yummy corn, another thing happens to you that sets your senses on fire, which is that you hear music. There is a band of musicians on the main stage who are ripping through a set of like some like folksy kind of bluegrass sound and music with their string instruments. And in this moment, Beef, you are changed because

for the first time ever, you are hearing professional musicians play music together and it makes your heart sing. But all of a sudden you hear the voice of your mother from your memories go and stay away from magic and music. Mom, are you here? Nope. This is just a memory. Are you sure? I thought someone got in my head earlier and they were a present moment talking to me. That's not what this is. Nope, I'm a memory.

Okay, so I should let you go? Uh-huh. What does memory you do? What are you doing now? I love you, bye. Where are you going? Mouth agape, I walk straight towards the stage, right front row, mouth open, eyes open, like a two-year-old seeing their mom and dad, like, kiss.

I don't know. Something a toddler is amazed by. One of the musicians sees that you've walked up mouth agape, looks down at you, and gives you like a friendly like wink. Like, yeah, I know this is pretty cool, right? Music's amazing. Oh my God, girls. Did you see what happened?

Girlies, girlies, did you see that? Oh my gosh. She just winked at me. Music is cool. Beef, I'm starting to think that your parents didn't have all the answers after all. So this, this is what music is? And you look around and you see like all these kids and adults just like laughing and dancing and just having an all around great joyous time that looks like nothing but joy and positivity.

I don't know what the whole big deal is about it. It looks like everyone's having a lot of fun. And just then, you get grabbed from behind from the person who was working that corn booth and goes, I don't remember serving you any corn. Uh, uh... That's what I thought.

Say it's from your garden and you brought corn from home. Corn from home, Beef, right, guys? Corn from home. It's home corn. It's home corn. It's home corn. Home corn. He's already pulling you away and goes,

Home corn? Huh? No, horn corn. No. You see, I know what my corn looks like because I raise it from the kernel to stock. And I've got a very good idea of what it looks like. That's my corn.

You are a great looking gentleman. I love your arms. Do you work out? You look great. Yes, which makes me very good at throwing thieves very far. Oh. And he grabs you and throws you out of the fairgrounds. And grabs a couple

like carny sentries, like carny guards who've just kind of been patrolling the outskirts of the fair and goes, that one's a little thief. Don't let it back in here. He's lucky I didn't break his little neck. And they like nod and they understand that you're not allowed back in.

That guy needed a hug or something. Wow. Why, guys? You're right. I think we should all just hug each other right now. Okay. And anybody who's around,

just hug each other. Okay. Oh, that actually feels really nice, Jimmy. You're welcome, Hawthorne. Charlotte, interested? Hold on. What? What?

I didn't do anything. Good, Charlotte tries to refocus on what's important. Beef, I don't think you should try to go back in there. Let's just have a good day, okay? We can still have time to celebrate your birthday. Don't put this kind of pressure on yourself, Beef. No can do. I got to get back in there.

I'm the best pig. I'm going to show my family that I'm the best pig. You're right, Beef. Find a puddle. Where's a puddle around here? Jimmy, that cannot be your solution to everything. We know it's worked. Beef's already moving some brush around, and he's going to start another fire.

He's going to start another fire for a distraction, and he's going to put a brush wig on his head for a disguise okay so um beef you successfully start a fire and so a couple of the sentries just run over to that fire you know they're gonna try to put it out because they don't want it to catch and and become a bigger issue i won't be like oh i i have like a brush dress on too and a brush hat. Oh, there's a fire. A fire over there. Yeah, no, we see it. It's right here.

So we got to put this out. And they're like, oh, get like a bucket of water or something. Yeah, get a bucket of water. Or a puddle. So now what do you do? I want to walk in. I want to go to the pig competition. Okay.

As you're walking in, you actually see someone that you recognize must be the mayor, just by the way that they're dressed in these kind of elaborate clothes. And he's having a private conversation with someone off to the side, but behind one of the tents. And you kind of start to overhear that he's talking about the competition. And you know that the mayor is going to be judging it. What would you like to do? I'm going to walk up behind and try to eavesdrop on what the mayor is saying.

Get the scoop. As you walk up behind him, you overhear the conversation they're having. And the mayor says, In all my years as mayor, I'd never seen pigs that looked so exceptional So healthy And so delicious I can't wait to award the blue ribbon To the tastiest looking hog

And then get that succulent swine roasting on a spit And cooked up nice for everyone to enjoy On this lovely evening Are all your supplies to your liking? And then a butcher in a blood stained apron shakes his head in the affirmative as he sharpens his carving knife and lubes it up with barbecue sauce. Yum. Hey guys, do you think Beef's going to understand what that means? Lube. Um, let me think about my friend Beef and how long this is gonna take him i'm worried i do think we should give him a chance though right we'll explain it to him it's the only way he'll learn

yes yeah you're right we i feel like we gotta stop explaining things holy cow guys it sounds like they're just gonna get you get a buffet if you win you get to go to a buffet if you win no wait don't tell him let it marinate a little longer. Nobody say anything. Oh, I'm biting my fist. Wait a second. Buffet. Prize pig. Yeah, baby, yeah. I just figured it out.

They're going to kill all the pigs. Yeah, beef. I don't even know what to say. First of all, you're definitely not entering yourself into that competition anymore. Because what if you win? I just am so excited that he figured it out i know i mean wow i guess we should problem solve too on top of this no but i'm just so while they're talking beef's already thought in his head he has to sign up no matter what because he has to win because he doesn't want any of his

family to get eaten so he's already while they're those spiders are debating in his breast pocket he's walking straight up to the booth and putting his name down okay and the three siblings are there kind of like in the waiting area before going up on stage for the competition and they see you walk up to the table even though he's wearing a grass skirt and hat or wig, you recognize Beef. Well, well, well, look who decided to show up and make a fool of himself.

Old Caillou. Happy birthday to us. Nice wig. That's not gonna help you. Listen, guys, I didn't come here to fight. I just need someone to write my name down here because I have no idea how to spell my name. Of course you don't, V.

Doesn't even matter. You're not going to win anyhow. We'll be the top pigs and we'll get the blue ribbon prize. Weep, weep, weep. Guys, you got to listen to me. You got to listen to me real bad. The mayor, he's actually, he's saying the winners are actually food for him. His dinner, he's going to chop you up and put you over a fire and eat your little bellies.

Wait, do you have corn? Give me that. And I snatch the corn away from Beef. Rosie, that's not the point. The point is, is that you're going to be corn. The point. You're going to be corn. The point is me jabbing you with my little hoof. The point. You're gonna be corn. The point is me jabbing

you with my little hoof and your little keister. Get out of my face. Do you think we were born yesterday, Beef? You're trying to trick and sabotage us, but it will not work. I'll even happily write down your name because I ain't even worried about you against us. Look at us. I do a little spin for you.

And the mayor says, Alright, let's go, little piggies. Time to get on stage and name the blue ribbon winner. Sean, I'd like to take the brush on top of my head and configure it into some piggiers and a pig snout. Okay. Very good. Very good.

Why don't you roll for your deception then? Okay. It was an 18. He goes, hold up. There were only supposed to be three pigs from the deep wood. I count you three, and then there's a fourth one here. Hello, sir. My name is Beef, and I am going to win. I mean, you do look like a pig. I can't argue with that. You rolled an 18. But four is a little too many to come out of one area. Why should we let you in? Well, sir, I am the plumpiest pig and I am the cutest.

And I think it would behoove you to put the best talent up on your stage. Well, I can't argue with that. Get on up there, little fella. Okay. Oink, oink. And he winks at the mayor. And he I can't argue with that. Get on up there little fella. Okay. Oink, oink. And he winks at the mayor. And he doesn't know what to do. He's like, okay. Cool. So all the pigs, all 15 pigs in the competition are now lined up on

stage and ready for inspection. The crowd, pretty much the entire fair is gathered to watch this as well. Beef, you try to squeeze into the lineup and get bumped and pushed by portly pigs until you wind up at the very end. Now the mayor is already methodically working his way down the line like a judge of the best in show dog competitions. He's checking their teeth and measuring them and inspecting their ears the whole nine yards. And Beef, you also notice that the mayor is asking for each pig to do their best wee-wees and farts.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Did my ears deceive me? Does old Beef have to wee-wee and fart like the rest of us? He can't do that. You're screwed beef. You can't do no fart. Wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee.

Come on guys. Come on what? Come on. You're going to be able to. Give me a break. I'm trying to save your life. Give him the whole Kit Kat. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. They're all giving each other little pig high fives. Give me some hooves. Give me some hooves. Give me some hooves.

God, even in peril. And while you're doing that, the mayor has been expecting you, and you didn't really notice it yet. He was just kind of measuring you from about a foot away, and then goes, all right, well, let's hear some wee-wees, and let's hear some farts from you first. And he points to Rosie. Hold on to your hat, mayor.

Ooh-wee! Ooh-wee! Ooh-wee! And then I fart, and it goes... Out of my asshole. And I'm done. And then I do a little curtsy with my pig body. Not gonna lie, that freaked me out.

All right, how about you? Any points to Tantor? Who, me? And Tantor does a little tap dance. Like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then farts. And then da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-farts. And then so the farts become like rhythmic in the tap dance.

And then she goes, wee- like rhythmic in the tap dance. And then she goes, Wow, quite the showman. And then she runs over and she farts on beef and the whole country. Oh, come on. And then she runs over and does it again. Hey, come on. I said come on. And then the third time.

Again. Hey, come on. I said, come on. And then the third time. And the mayor goes, but this pig has no ability to rein it in. So I'm taking off points for that. We? Got to show some control if you're going to be a prize pig.

And the penultimate, like pig pen, get it? No one laughs at his joke. Nobody gets it. He feels misunderstood. Takes three points of emotional damage. Hey, Sean. Hey, Sean. Are you okay? Sorry, joke. Nobody gets it. He feels misunderstood. Takes three points of emotional damage. Are you okay? Sorry, guys. Sorry, everybody.

Hey, Sean, are you all right? Need some water? And what about you? This one. Any points to that Turk? Are you looking for something like this? And Turk pretends like he's on a motorcycle and he starts going around. But the sound of the engine is his farts.

And he goes. Doppler effect. And then he is in front of the mayor. Not bad. Not bad at all. Okay. This is a stiff competition. That's the mayor. Not bad. Not bad at all. Okay. This is a stiff competition. That's the thing I'd say.

Oh, no, there's still one little pig left. Well, go ahead. You're the one from before. You had a real pizzazz to you. I like the cut of your jib. So why don't we see what you've got to say, little one? Thank you, sir. Beef steps forward.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is my wee and my fart. Beef closes his eyes really, really tight, and he just thinks to himself, you think you can do it, so you can do it. If you think, am I thinking? You are, because you are responding to yourself hey i can't do this that's cool all right time to do it wow the little beef that could beef that could beef that could beef beef beef that could and then he lets out the perfect silly fart but it's serious too it's a perfect serious silly fart and it surprises him he's never it scares him because he's never farted before and he screams and then he bows elizabeth why don't you roll to see how impressive those pig actions were? That's true.

Ooh, a 16. Okay. And he goes, I am blown away by your wheeze and your farts. Oh, man. I don't know what to say except for that. When I also look into your eyes, there's such a human-like quality in them and intelligence. Maybe not intelligence.

Maybe that's not the word. But a real sparkle in them that's speaking to me. Thank you, sir. You're probably also looking at my hands. They're small, but they are my own. Those are nice, too. And he, like, licks his lips. Okay.

Well, that was the last pig, so let me just think about this and he walks over to the front of the stage. Yeah, everyone, I've made my decision. The winner of the blue ribbon this year and the prize pig is... Oh, God, oh, God,

oh, God! That last little one right there! Bull shit! Bull shit! Oh, my God. That last little one right there. Bullshit. Bullshit. Wrong. Oh, my God. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Up, Dix.

Wee. Oh, wee. I want a recount. Oh, my God. I did it. I did it. Beef is so excited that he did it, but then he also realizes that he's probably going to get killed now.

So get the bonfire going. Get the spit ready. We'll put it in one end of him and out the other and then roast him over the fire for all of us to eat. What? So put your bibs on.

It's piggy eating time. What? What's happening? Ladies and gentlemen, put your bibs down and away. I have an important message. Don't let the pig talk. I don't want to get attached

to this thing before I eat it. I have an important message Don't let the pig talk. I don't want to get attached to this thing before I eat it I do Well here's the thing I am not a pig and he takes off his disguise What are you? I am beef

a halfling. So you're a cow? Moo and that means no and so i'm so sorry to ruin this barbecue mr mayor but it looks like the prize pig that won isn't gonna get eaten oh well it's a it's a very good prank i was completely fooled but i guess we'll just move on to the next one, second place, and eat that one then. No, no, no. Wait, no. You can't do that. Why not? Well, because I won. I won fair and square. Then why shouldn't I eat the second place one? Well,

I mean, you thought I was a pig. And if you can get that confused, then maybe, maybe we're not so different. Pigs and halflings and whatever you are, Mr. Mayor. We're all just the same. We're all made out of the same dust, you know, the stars. We're all stars and our hands are our own, not yours. And you get what I'm saying? One person from the crowd goes, I don't get it. Let's just eat a different pig. Hold up. Hold up. And Beef looks around and he realizes he has that mojo in his pocket and he sees a lute standing off to the side. And he sees a lute standing off to the side. And he's like, hmm, I have an idea.

Let's see if this works. I drink the mojo. Smart. And Lost in Powers, you just see him standing amongst the crowd all of a sudden. You make eye contact with him. And he nods at you. And in your head, you hear, yeah, baby, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, baby, yeah. And he pops off the mojo cap and he drinks it all in one swoop and he smashes the glass on the ground and he screams yeah baby yeah and in that moment he grows chest hair and his full set of head hair head his set of head. His full bald head comes into play? What's going on? No, his full hair. Oh, okay. And also the buttons, the top button and the bottom button burst open when his chest hair grows. Yeah.

And he is full beef. And he grabs the loot and he is about to toot it. And then you hear from the audience from Jane and Tarzan, seeing that you just grabbed a lute. Beef, what are you about to do? Sorry, Mom, but sometimes you gotta toot a lute to get the scoot. What does that mean? Same question.

Beef grabs the lute and he gives a wink to a woman in the front row and she paints pigs are people too They got two eyes, two nose, and two boobs. Piggies are humans too. They sing, they sleep, they poop. Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy. Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy If you're a pig, oink, oink, oink If you're a cow, moo, moo, moo If you're a person that's still figuring it out Say, I'm figuring it out I'm figuring it out

Because you are a person too A human being with a cool lot of thoughts Have you ever had a thought and thought a thought On top of that thought You're a human, whoo! We're doing the dance, we're having fun Because you got a little tap in your groove Then look at you! And he points to the person in the front row that's kind of grooving.

Think you're a human too! I'm sorry for singing, but I'm having a blast. Everybody, everybody, listen to this ass. Oh. And he says, thank you for your time.

Woo! Why don't thank you for your time. Woo! Why don't you roll for your performance with advantage because of the mojo you just drank. 16 plus 5. Okay, 21. Not too shabby. The townsfolk go absolutely bonkers like they're at a Def Leppard reunion show circa 2006.

Interesting. More excited than for the initial? Yeah, it's way more excited because they're back, baby. Oh, because they're back. Okay. It's been so long. Yes, yes. They are going nuts.

Thank you, crowd. Thank you. I just wanted to say we all have feelings, and that was what the song was really trying to say, if you didn't get that. Oh, okay. Thank you for clarifying. I love my family, and I know that I might not be a pig like them, but I love my family, and I know that I might not be a pig like them,

but I love you guys, and you have feelings, and I have feelings, and that seems like a great place to start. Uh, Beef? Yeah, I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry. I was singing. No, no, that's not what we were going to say. I'm musiced and magicked.

I'm sorry. No, we wanted to say that we like your hair and your buttons being popped off. We think you look nice. And we'd also like to say we're so sorry for tormenting you all these years. I can't believe you're going to let yourself get eaten for us. A couple people have been nothing but mean to you. We're sorry. Right, guys?

Yeah. I'm sorry. It's so impressive that you even won the pig competition. I'm pretty blown away by that. And I assume if we asked Mr. Mayor, I, of course, would have come in second place. But that's neither here nor there. Well, he didn't say it, but yeah.

It's neither here nor there. Thank you so much. I now see the guy with the lubed up knife, and that's pretty f***ed up, if you ask me. Yeah, thanks, brother. Oh, brother. And then he goes over to Hawthorne and he toots on him.

Hey, I'm a spider. Oh, sorry, Hawthorne. What is Hurricane Gus Grimm? Sorry, Hawthorne. I really meant to go over to Rosie and fart on Rosie. But you didn't. But you didn't fart on Rosie. But you didn't. But you didn't, did you?

But I didn't. You blew Hawthorne four feet, which is the equivalent of like four football fields to him. Oh, God. I got to make some changes in my life. And the mayor steps forward and everyone's kind of like, well, what are we going to eat? So that was a beautiful song, but I'm hungry.

Quiet down, quiet down. All right, everyone. I mean, and he wipes a tear from his eye. That was a beautiful song. And I don't know about y'all, but I learned a lesson. And that's, you know, pigs are people too. And this is the last year we're ever doing the blue ribbon competition and eating a pig at the end

From now on we'll just do The best looking and all around pig And the award will be in and of itself And maybe next year We'll eat A little human instead To make it fit No that doesn't make sense

I gotta think this out Give me some time But I'll figure it out But that's the last time we're eating a blue ribbon pig. I can promise you that. We've got enough food other than pig to go around. I was like, yeah, no, that's true. That's true. And it was a great song. It's a great song. So the crowd's pretty much satiated.

And then you, Beef, and the siblings start making your way down the stage stairs to greet Tarzan and Jane, your parents who are waiting there for you. I'm so sorry, Mom. I don't even know if I can call you Mom anymore. I totally get it if you and Dad don't want me to even call you Mom and Dad anymore. Oh my goodness. And she just scoops you up and she's crying. I was so worried. Oh my God, I'm just so glad you're alive. You saved your brothers and sisters. Maybe music isn't exactly always the devil's work. You mean that, Mom? I do. And your dad's got something to say to you, too.

Dad? That'll do, pig. That'll do. What? Dad can talk? Dad can talk, you guys. Dad can talk. What the heck?

I've never heard Dad say a single actual word. Wow. I feel like the coolest guy on the block. Well, this has just been a whirlwind of a day. I, for one, would like to get back to our home and just pig out. Just hang out and just revel in being alive.

What do you say? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. Yeah, baby. Yeah. And then you also hear Lost in Power's voice in your head one last time and he goes, Just so you know, that mojo I... Hey! Just so you know that mojo like hey just so you know that mojo i gave you was just dirty stream water the mojo was actually inside you all along oh my god and then beef farts Oh, God. Oh, God. It's happening again. I want to become a father.

We cut to a couple days later, once you're back and settled, and all your brothers and your sisters, Beef, have just been dying to play with you and treat you like a celebrity over the past couple days. And after a couple days of this, you're exhausted and something's just different. You're different. I think that it's best that Beef leaves in the morning before anyone gets up. Wow. And he leaves a note and he thinks that he wrote, I love you family. I love you so much, but I think there's something out there for me and I need to discover it and find it and explore it. I love you much. But what it really is is just like a circle

with a lot of different zigzags on there. And he picks up his briefcase and his little stick. Briefcase? His bindle? Bindle and a briefcase? Yeah, spindle and a Briefcase. His bindle? Bindle and a briefcase? Yeah, spindle and a briefcase. And he heads off to say goodbye to his three closest friends, the spiders. Okay.

You enter that hollowed out log and see if they're home. Charlotte? Jimmy? Beef, is that you? Beef? Yeah. Hi, guys. It's me.

It's Beef. Promise me you won't fart on me I'm sorry, Hawthorne I'm really, really sorry about that They're all laying in three little spider beds There's little spider monitors Next to them that are beeping Wait, what is this? What's going on?

Are you guys okay? Hawthorne has like a little horn That he has to like listen to everything Aww, what? Speak up, Sonny. Beef, don't worry about us. Look behind you. We made you something.

Oh my God. It's crystallized web. We squirted so much web and life force to make that for you. Oh my, it's beautiful. It's a lute for you to play your music. You guys made this for me? Yeah. Yeah, because remember yesterday

when you did the big musical number? Do you remember that? Barely. Oh. Thought it was a life-changing experience. When you take this lute and you go on an adventure, I don't want you to think about us. I had a dream last night where I dreamt that you made three new best friends.

Three best friends you could tell your secrets to and wouldn't judge your dreams. You have a bright life ahead of you, Beef. We're just happy we got to be a part of... There's water. There's water. It's okay. I'm okay. Do spiders drink water?

No, that will literally drown us. But you know, you're in the right mind space and I really appreciate it. We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you, Beef. And also, I just want to thank you as a fellow animal for vowing to never eat animals ever again in sandwich form or hot dog form or ever eat any animals ever again

because that was the whole song that you sang. Beef's kind of like looking down to see if he can unplug Jimmy's monitor. But he decides he gets it. You guys are, I have to say this. Thank you for, thanks for being my best friends and loving me even if i didn't really understand how to love myself first and i'm always gonna remember you guys thank you from the bottom of my heart and he gives them all a little kiss you're welcome Jimmy Charlotte Oh god I'm alone in this life

Hawthorne No And then Beef takes his loot And he beeps along with He harmonizes a beep And then he kisses them And he takes his Briefcase and his

Trundle bundle. What did you call it? Bindle. Oh, a bindle. It's a bindle. And he walks off with his loot into the sunset. And as he walks off into the sunset, an owl flies by and says, Where are you headed?

You sick son of a bitch, I'll get you! If you didn't know that I was a halfling, a 45-year-old halfling under here and not a tiny little pig. 45? Yeah. What the heck? I've been sleeping next to this creep. What the heck's going on? Okay, never mind. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe-Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott not only wrote the theme song, but he also worked his magic on Beef's first performance in this episode.

Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Join our Patreon and help us get closer to achieving our stretch goal of 500 patrons. Doing so means we'll release our lost one-shot GM'd by our very own Aaron Keefe. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors,

equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love very much. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 30 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats. This week's episode is, drumroll, Rats. This week's episode is drumroll. Do I care about this part two? So this is my first time participating in this Patreon type of episode, which is run by Ben and I'm addicted. It is a blast. Basically what we do is we bring like four different items from around our house and then present them as if we care about them a lot. And then everyone guesses whether it's true that we care about them or not. And then, of course, the big reveal. It is so much fun. And like I said, I'm addicted to it. So I can't wait till the next time we play

in part three. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.