SitcomD&D - S2 E9: Lord Servemore and Crumbs (w/ Max Olesker and Ivan Gonzalez)

Episode Date: October 11, 2022

Chalice has got herself a wedding on the horizon. Luckily some old butler friends of hers (Max Oleskar and Ivan Gonzalez) show up with some extravagant wedding plans on very modest budget. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Special Guests: Max Olesker and Ivan Gonzalez Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Now, Max and Yvonne, what time is it right now for you? It is 13 minutes past 3 o'clock in the afternoon here in Condon Town. Oh, that's a lovely time. So you've had a full day. So what did the first half of your day look like? It's crazy because you're in the future right now and i'm trying and we've and we've got some bad news for you guys i'm afraid i mean i don't want to say too much but um just enjoy yourselves is what i'd say until

oh my gosh willie got canceled willie got Waleed got cancelled. Oh no. Yeah, I mean, I'm not naming any names, but yeah. Oh, it's me. That means it's me. Oh no. So y'all are a comedy duo, and we're a comedy, a 5-0. How did you two meet originally? Well, we were a 5, but we weren't making enough money, so we killed the other three. It's a sort of Hunger Games style comedy.

Yeah, comedy contest. It's a very traditional way of kind of honing things down. And eventually it'll be Max doing stand up. If you see me doing a solo show, ask me no questions because it'll be my origin story will be harrowing you'll just get a kind of thousand yard stare and a single tear will roll down my cheek welcome back to sitcom dnd a real play dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today you guessed it we're gonna going to pick up inside Bottoms Up, where the bar is buzzing with the midday lunch rush.

And as you're going about your tavern duties, you can't help but notice that a large puddle of water is expanding slowly across the floor of the bar. You follow its path and see that it is originating from the kitchen. So we'll pick up there, quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling...

Dice! Did you get it or did you miss it? Dice! Oh! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up

As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends.

Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Oh my gosh. The invisible pantsweater is back. Swimsuit weather is here. What?

Looks like. You think it's Drippy Kid? I think it's a drippy kid i think it's a i think it's invisible drippy kid beef smell it beef give it a give it a whiff yeah yeah that's piss it is all right you always say things are piss no one knows when when i'm investigating when i've got my hat on nobody knows nobody knows guys i'm gonna be honest i'm gonna make a call to get to wherever this is leading and you guys can follow my lead or not one two three slip and slide and beef beef tries to grab his ankle so that he falls straight onto his face.

Chip and Beef, you slip and slide and crash through into the kitchen. And when you crash into the kitchen, you see that Chalice is already way ahead of you. Her sleeves are rolled up and she's covered in kitchen grime. It appears she's about to efficiently and effectively unclog the center main drain in the kitchen floor. What's up, you guys? Did you slip and slide in here, too? Yes, we did. Yes, I've decided not to join. Bit of a buzz kill today.

Oh, my gosh. There's something crazy happening out here. Yeah, right. Spoiler alert, beef. Let me save you some time. This is not pee for once uh but i got it under control i got it under control nobody worry whoa these aren't your tears either usually these are your tears from doing work around the kitchen and you know they're not and i thought

so too i was like am i crying today am i crying a lot today but no it's just dirty sink water i got it, though. You guys can go ahead. You can relax, take a load off. I'm almost done. This kitchen is spotless. Jealous. My God, I just got to say, one second, record scratch.

Bring it to a halt. You have just, I got to say, have grown so much since leaving that castle behind look at you thank you beefy thank you my little beefy right in that moment seb falls through the ceiling i told you something was happening you guys i told you and also chalice i really i don't know what we're talking about but i just really want to say that i really appreciate just how much you've grown in your role like i to say that i really appreciate just how much you've grown in your role like i gosh you're a really close friend and it's awesome to see you flourish here all right you know i i didn't realize that working hard actually can like feel good is that weird like well i just appreciate i don't have to feed you your food anymore uh-huh that was a lot when you first got here and you refuse to use your hands to eat.

Well, if it's not a little airplane coming at me, then I don't want it. Yeah, I appreciate that you started walking from room to room instead of us having to carry you. That's really nice. That's so great. I mean, I was just used to a certain lifestyle, but I feel like i've evolved as you're having this conversation two individuals poke into the kitchen and actually max and avon would you describe what these two individuals look like yes um i am a elegant uh elfin creature called lord servimore who is one of the uh one of the most sophisticated of uh princess chalice's retinue um and developed a close bond and a deep affection for her over the many years of faithful service providing the most discreet and uh and high level service um and i will be playing

crumbs a three foot tall puglin um in inbred for its cuteness uh and servitude oh what a duo you're like a little dog guy? Yeah, a little dog. And the fur resembles like a tuxedo. So although I'm naked, I look like I'm wearing a full tux. There's a kind of like kind of recess in his like slightly humped back where kind of plates can easily be plated so you can just kind of scurry along scurry along but serve things at the same time are you sure we're in the right place well i mean this doesn't really bear much resemblance to anywhere that the princess

would normally spend her time but i mean this is what the the locals assured us she would she would be i can't okay well let's just have a look i mean no one's there's that i mean that poor unfortunate creature covered in grime and detritus and what may or may not be the remnants of human waste uh that can't be no it can't be but i mean possibly i mean crumbs you're you're better equipped at engaging with the lower classes if you oh i'm just i'm just wait i can yeah under underneath the grime, I think I... Wait, no, you don't recognize the distinctive aroma of... Oh my...

I think... It can't be. I think it's her. Princess Chalice, is that you? Oh no! It's my mother! My mother is not alive! Yay!

Okay, well you're screaming, so I'm going to try and stop whatever's going on. No, no, no, they're my butlers! They started smelling you and you started screaming. I'm concerned. No, don't check their ID! They're one in three, a couple of my favorite butlers! What the heck are you two doing here? Hello, so exciting to be here and to have found you at last! Yes, indeed, Princess Chalice. It is I, Lord Servimore, number one,

your very favorite butler of your many, many thousands. And I, Crumbs, number three, which I think is pretty good, to be honest. Yes, you've always taken that very well. Yes. Can I ask what happened to number two? Oh, it's very sad. No, don't.

I think if it's all the same to you, sir, now is a time of celebration that we've rediscovered our beloved princess, and we'd probably rather not discuss what happened to number two. I hear there's a wedding afoot. Yay! Lord Servamore, Crumbs, and Chalice are hugging and jumping, the three of them. Beef is standing off to the side, jumping Servamore, Crumbs, and Chalice are hugging and jumping. The three of them. Beef is standing off to the side, jumping along with you,

but not touching you guys. He's so excited. Oh, my God. It is so nice to meet you guys, Crumbs and Lord Servamore. I've heard so much about you guys. The pleasure is all ours, we assure you. I'm using Wild Shape, and I turn into a scroungy little dog, and I start barking at them.

I don't know you. I don't know you. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, you would love them. They're distinguished and classy. Let me show you my anus. Crumbs, I'm not sure if that is a valid greeting in this culture. Okay, well, you're doing it anyway, so there you go.

Okay. He means no harm. All right. And then I turn back into my human form. You can put it away now. Okay, sure thing. And then Jennifer, the rat that runs the kitchen, piddle paddles across the counter and goes,

Wow, fantastic. A couple fancy guys to help me plan the wedding. That's great. That's great. Jennifer, did we decide that you were planning the wedding? Oh, I decided for us. And I'm miles ahead on the plans. And you just look on the wall.

It's scribbled nonsense and like tomato juice. Jennifer, I think we should let lord serve them more and crumbs take over they have planned the most lavish of events they've thrown birthday parties fancy funerals did they just make a they just made a wedding cake right now while you were talking yes sir oh my sorry i i only had a few things to hand, so I could only make a 14-tier cake. Yes. Oh, my God. Whoa. And it's 14 different flavors.

Jennifer slowly circles it and just puts her hand on her head as she makes her rounds around the circumference of it and then just plops down on her butt and goes, Oh, thank God. I was so fucking stressed. Thank God. I was so fucking stressed. Thank God. Okay, I did not want that responsibility, and I think I was going to explode from the pressure, so this is actually pretty good.

Well, Jennifer, I say this with love and affection, but judging by what you put on the wall, you were going to do a truly terrible job, so I think it's probably for the best that you've been relieved of that responsibility. It sort of looks like you just threw a bunch of tomatoes at the wall, Jennifer. Well, Jennifer, you can, you know, when Alberta and I inevitably get married, of course, well, you can maybe play. Oh, learn from Omar Crumbs.

He has a fake girlfriend that we just don't call out. He might read a letter from them or something like that and you just go, oh, and it's totally fine. Chip was just spinning in a circle that whole time while you guys were talking. Well, Lord Carnivore and Crouton, I have to say I would love for you guys to stay

with us. Only thing is all we have is two cots in our basement. Oh, that's okay. I've just created a bed here. Wonderful. Thank you. And I'll be happy to sleep in that bed, Crumbs. Thank you so much.

My pleasure. Thank you. And you are, of course, welcome to sort of squat at the foot of the bed or kind of curl up around my long, elegant feet, should you so wish to wrap yourself in my toes as a kind of blanket. Too kind.

I am in awe of you two. It's simply what we do. We're very well trained, but we must all get our beauty sleep for tomorrow we rise with the lark and wedding planning begins in earnest. It's 6 p.m. Yes.

I'm closing the bar. Everybody out. Everybody out. Go home. Go home. You go home. What? It's 6 p.m. Get out of here. Everybody out. Everybody out. Go home. Go home. You go home. What? Oh, it's 6 p.m. Get out of here. All right. Let's get some shut eye. So we're going to cut to the next morning. Chalice, when you come down the stairs into the bar of Bottoms Up, you've seen that it's been transformed

in a way and redecorated and repurposed uh for a meeting to discuss your dream wedding and uh lord server more and crumbs can you describe what the room kind of looks like now the bar how it's been uh repurposed it's uh had a full uh tasteful kind of pastel paint job uh and there are large handmade wicker baskets uh on on every table and uh ribbons which are being carried by little little sort of bluebirds which are flitting adorably about the place and uh and crumbs has made a giant chaise longue for princess chalice right in the middle there oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh i feel like i'm home this is the best day of my life well we're so excited just to be back in your presence yes and may we say what a joy it is and a delight to see the the rarefied

dignified princess beneath the grime and feces of yesterday why thank you and did you two braid my hair while i was sleeping guilty please do please do uh lie back down on the chairs long and and let me just uh rub your feet yes whilst we talk about this wedding of yours. That actually feels pretty nice. So what are we talking about? Well, allow me to waft you with this palm frond as we get down to the nitty gritty and discuss your impending nuptials, a day of great celebration

which must be mirrored by a commensurately large party. And as you say that, the front door to Bottoms Up busts open and Chalice's fiancée, Jalpert, comes rushing in in a flop sweat. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm late. I hope I didn't miss any of the planning. This is so exciting. This is my fiancée's two of her most favorite people. I've heard so much about you.

I'm so sorry. I'm Jalpert. I'm Prince Jalpert. It's so nice to meet you two. The pleasure is all ours, Prince Jalpert. A great delight to be once again amongst nobility. Oh, wow. These are, they're fancy guys.

Yeah. I know. This is what I'm saying. Oh my gosh. And then Jalpert kind of just sits crisscross applesauce next to Jealous. Before we get started, can you make me a sandwich? What? No, sorry.

I've already made one. Turn around, Crumbs. Show her the plate on your back. There you go. Yay, my sandwich with chips. And they cut it diagonally Just like you like it Is there any other way to cut it?

We heard horrible rumours that you've been cutting your own sandwiches For some time in this place, Princess Chalice So I hope we put a stop to that You were very brave And we support and we celebrate your time Well let me just give you a quick manicure To help that There we go

Let the fingers forget Well, let me just give you a quick manicure to help that. There we go. There we go. Thank you. Let the fingers forget. Now, let us talk about the planning of your wedding. Let's start by looking at the big picture. And to help, Crumbs has painted this lovely big picture of you. Here you go. Just as a little thank you from us.

In a Renaissance style. In the Renaissance. Your favorite of the styles, as we recall. Wow, Crumbs. You've gotten better and better i know i took a course yes he did we've had very little to do um but but less about us and where we've been and what we've been doing or indeed not doing over the last uh last bit of time um princess chalice we would love for you to share with us your vision for your wedding experience. Give us a verbal mood board, if you will, of your hopes, wants and dreams. How many choirs do you want?

No, no, no. You're getting too specific. Broad strokes, broad strokes. Broad strokes. Silk. Gold. Diamonds. A million choirs.

Real angels. fountains every rich person in the whole world in attendance yes soft carpets soft walls so you'll think you're thinking quite minimal then yes uh i think we need to really you you know, this is a special day. Don't limit yourself, Princess Chalice. Let's really put some nitro under this. Let's amp this up. Come on. We must believe in ourselves. Don't hide your light under a bushel.

You're right. Sorry. I've been thinking so small lately. What else? Fire dancers. Yes. so small lately um what else um fire dancers yes huge pools filled with flowers of course how about flowers filled with pools as well yes absolutely a giant a giant flower that that you can just dive into absolutely i mean if i may say princess chalice this sounds like it has the potential to be the most tasteful wedding in the entire world.

Well, I think so. What do you think, Jalpert? Anything that's on your list? Um, I, there's one, just one thing. And that's your smile. I just want to see your smile. Boo! Decadence. Alfred, come on. Did beef boo from like the stairs or something? Yeah, I'm up here. I'm up here. I'm like a little kid looking through the slits of the staircase. Like I'm not supposed to be here.

Oh, well, also my favorite food is just roast beef. So that actually kind of reminded me of it um so if there if we could get that on the the wedding menu that would that'd be nice you needn't ask twice i have taken the liberty princess chalice of writing down every single one of your eminently reasonable requests on crumbs's long extendable tongue yes as is our method of operating. All that is left now for us to action this is for us to discreetly inquire as to the relevant funds which will be covering these essential items. Yeah, right.

So Chels and I, we had a little family meeting about this. And just to give you a heads up, my brother really did a number on the kingdom's finances. And, you know, he was using the crown's coin on frivolities. So that's a real hot button issue. So here's our... And I'm a waitress now. So that certainly doesn't help.

Yeah. So here's our budget and chalice and jelbert slide a folded piece of parchment across the table oh god it fits on paper and when you open it up um you see that it's blank crumbs your tongue fell out of your mouth from shock. Are you okay? Let's pop it back in there. Would I be reading the room correctly if I were to suggest that you're both being so discreet

as to simply be implying that money is no object in this wedding? Ah, yes, wonderful. Yes, really, that's great. In which case, we can we can we can start ordering the finest of silks and the largest of flower pools immediately no unfortunately uh the blankness of the parchment uh well we wanted to write zero but we couldn't afford new ink so we just went with a blank piece of paper. This, I mean, no, listen, in many ways, this doesn't change a thing. But in a number of far more practical ways, it really does change absolutely everything.

They're having a little butler meeting with each other. This is what they do. They sort of huddle and they discuss. I mean, I love her with all my heart yes and i know all of your five hearts yes yes i i really uh well four now i i don't know really i heard about your last health checkup yes it's not been going so well one of the reasons we wanted to get back into service i know quite i'm just i'm just a bit worried i mean should should she even would she even be with this this prince if you can't afford

even one swimming pool flower there's there's only one thing we can do and that and that is ceremonially kill ourselves what what no that's that's what happened to number two that is what happened to number two. I still remember the day that he spilt a small bit of water. And yes, it was 25 meters away from Princess Chalice. And yes, she never noticed. But number two did the decent thing and did away with himself. Using the glass that he spilled the water to uh to take his own life yes i remember it well yes and we did the decent thing and didn't so much as blink we know we just

very quickly took care of the body yes used his body to mop up the water and then uh and then carried number two away and disposed of him oh so many butlers that we've had to dispose of. Excuse me, Lord Sir Vermuttencroms, will you do it? Will you plan my wedding? Princess Chalice, my love for you is endless. And despite your finances not being so, it would be an honor to help you on this greatest of days. Yes, Princess Chalice, we will do whatever is within our power to make this the very greatest of days. However, be under no illusions.

This will be an extraordinary feat to carry off, and we will need the help of absolutely everyone we can find. So you nearby unfortunates, will you join us on this quest? Beef bounds down the stairs and you see that he actually is, he got excited and he dressed like you guys. I'm ready. And then Seb just falls down the stairs. I'm ready and then uh Seb just falls down the stairs

and he's hurt and so is Jennifer because Seb fell onto Jennifer oh my god but yeah I'm done I'm done to help you so we're gonna cut to Lord Servamore and Crumbs taking their first meeting

with Chip. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger.

And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D.

Hello, Chip. Hey, what's going on? Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us. Yes. All right. I got to be honest with you. Can we be honest here?

Absolutely. Yes. It may be a little awkward for me to be a part of this wedding, just a heads up, okay? I may or may not used to have had feelings for Chalice. Oh, we've all got feelings for Chalice. Oh, that's fair. And you know what? I'm actually

past those feelings because I have a very real new girlfriend. And you can clap for me if you want to. Uh, well... Crumbs, clap for the gentleman. Please clap for me if you want to. Crumbs, clap for the gentleman. Please clap for him. Okay, I normally only clap for Are you part of nobility?

I think if you think of Princess Chalice as you clap, it's allowed. Thank you. Well done. Well done. But yeah, anything I can do to be a part of this wedding to prove that I'm fully over Chalice is great. Wonderful. Well, given that you're fully over Chalice, there surely won't be anything. Which I am.

Yes. It will, given that fact, which we all accept, there surely won't be anything emotionally. Yes, indeed. anything emotionally yes indeed uh there won't be anything completely uh emotionally devastating about you being responsible for designing the invitations and uh and and spreading the word about this wedding about the fact that princess chalice has found her true love her intended her beloved and it is another man this is possibly the most important job. So I really want to make sure that you nail this. Do you have relevant skills? Oh, I mean, writing stuff, talking to people, mail.

I've used mail. Okay. I actually have been writing a lot of letters lately because, well, here's the thing. So I have this new girlfriend who's real and we write letters to each other because we haven't met yet. So, yeah, I'm good with the whole mail thing. That's wonderful. How did you strike up a correspondence, Matt? Oh, I don't think we should open this. I have a valid explanation for this. We met via a dating app.

Interesting that you that you mentioned mail. We met via a dating app. Interesting that you mentioned mail. Crumbs and I were conferring, and whilst Princess Chalice has rightly asked that we invite the entire kingdom of Two Tree Hill, we felt it would be most prudent if you could deliver each of the letters by hand. Whoa, okay. And how much am I being compensated for this? A significant proportion of the budget.

Excellent. All right. Yes. Yes, Crumbs. How much of the budget do you think we could give to this good gentleman? Oh, I mean, most of it. Whoa. I don't want to take anything away from Seb or anybody.

But I mean, if you want to give me a little bit more, that's all right well it's uh yes it's no less than you deserve hi i'm seb let's see um what can i say about myself i have a tortured actually you didn't ask me any questions uh What are we doing here? Thank you for joining us. And thank you for that disturbing sentence fragment you stopped saying. My pleasure. I'm filled with them, all right? Yes, we shan't be interrogating that any further. Rather, we will simply be looping you in to the grand project that is designing uh this matrimonial ceremony and uh seb may we request that you take the most crucial of

roles you introduced yourself as seb but have you ever considered introducing yourself as say reverend seb or vicar seb or rabbi or imam Seb or non-denominational humanist celebrant Seb? Um, can you do two more? Yes, Crumbs has got five more actually. Yes, yes, absolutely. Cool guy Seb from the Church of Cool Guys. Yes, that's one. Oh, four more you said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. i could see them written on your tongue pope yeah sorry that would do it walk over here really quick to save you from this moment can one of you tie my shoe oh oh please quick good grief why why are your shoes laced oh good group go go grums go go go go go tie them up tie them up that's no no no can i construct you some slip-on uh heels instead okay listen i'll tie whilst you construct and then she can choose which and then please untie and then if she wants the slip-ons we'll untie and if she doesn't want the slip-ons we'll destroy i've made them there we go and if she wants them later i want attention back on me or i'm gonna start doing more disturbing sentence fragments. My hair keeps falling.

Never mind. Yeah. Yes. Yes. What do you say to our to our proposition? You might have gleaned it from the from the partial list we gave. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll be your cool guy. I will be your cool guy. Wonderful. You're willing to be a cool guy celebrant from the globally acclaimed Church of Cool Guys. Yes. That would, of course, involve you leading the ceremony in the traditional manner of the Church of Cool Guys, which is not one but two pairs of shades, one over the top of the other. You will be riding a skateboard at all times, and you will begin each passage of speaking by playing a solo on your sanctified air guitar. Maybe this answers your question.

I put on sunglasses, but they immediately fall off my very flat nose. Good grief, he's already an accredited member. He's pretty cool. He's an ordained cool guy. Pretty cool. I have never beenained cool guy. Pretty cool. I have never been called cool before, you guys. This is incredible.

You're my two best friends. Right, sorry, now that we've given you a task, we really need to go away and speak to someone else. Yes, please leave. Oh, why does this always happen with my best friends? Hey, boys. Beef plops down and he's dressed just like you guys. Here's my resume.

You'll see. Push it over to you guys. It's got your name, Beef. Yep. Very good. That's me. That's it. Yep.

That's me. That's kind of me in a nutshell. Thank you very much for this comprehensive list of your skills. We are delighted to make your acquaintance. Beef, if we were to say the following two words, wedding music, what would that say to you? Sky filled with joy. What would that say to you? Sky filled with joy. Slight moment here, Crumbs.

Do we think Beef? There's a lot of can-do spirit. Sky filled with joy. I mean, I'm glad it was filled with joy by the end of it. Do you think Princess Chalice will be filled with joy herself if Beef attempts to provide the wedding music in the form of pointing at the sky well no it might not just be pointing now beef can you replace a thousand choirs yes well that's that's good enough for me again one more slight aside again you seem very willing to believe beef has these capabilities i'm not certain to be really kind of thought through the implications of what they were saying.

I mean, would you just interrogate it a little further before we tick it off the vast checklist? Okay, okay. Beef, are you able to play any instruments or perhaps do you have the ability to sing angelically? I gotta say I can. Why don't you roll for performance, Beef? Damn it. An 11? Did you get to add anything to it or is it just... Oh yeah, five.

A 16. That's pretty good. You guys are impressed. Oh, my goodness. I take back any reservations that I might have had. That was, out of 10, that was at least a 16. Incredible, incredible work. And I can go off script, too.

So... go off script too so Well ordinarily my incredibly strict elven butler training would prohibit any such activity but I suppose well crumbs I suppose this entire wedding for Princess Chalice is already so off script that maybe what we need are people like Beef who are willing to roll with the punches

and do what they can to get the job done This is going to be the best and first scat wedding I've ever seen. I love you guys. You guys are really fun. What do you guys do? Do you guys have like off time? Like, do you see your families or? Oh, no, no, no.

I was ripped away from my mother mere days old and then uh started training really uh and it just carried on yes and i i attended a 15 year elven butler boot camp by by by the third year it's expected that all memories of your parents or family will have been uh wiped from your brain and if that's not the case you're simply placed uh feet first into the shredder and water oh good grief of course of course of course of course of course uh yeah the bowl on the bowl on crumbs's back is full of water. Crick, it's fresh. Let me get you a straw, Chalice. And he winks at the butlers.

Oh. Pretty cool. Hey, what's up, fellas? What can I do for you hello jennifer now uh i trust you weren't too offended by our um sidelining you somewhat from the central organizational duties of this affair oh my god no like i said that was just like really eating at me and stressing me out you guys saved me yeah totally jumped in for this bullet. Thank you. Well, I mean, yeah, the tomato ketchup planning on the wall

was sort of less of a plan and more of a wild cry for help as far as I could see. I'm so glad you saw it as that. I really wanted someone to talk to you. So that's what this is about? No, no, no, no, no. Keep your emotions to yourself. We have a wedding to plan.

Oh, okay. What's's up what can i do very good question uh one of the most important elements of a wedding uh is of course the culinary and libatory components crumbs i forget you're you're you're far better at it. Jennifer, we need to give our... Forget your mouse getting too close. You have crazy jaws. I'm sorry. Show her your anus as a sign of peace, Crumbs. Please, here's my anus. Here's my anus.

It's even scarier in rat culture. Oh, okay no i'm fine i'm fine i'm sorry what were you saying about live library libraries what was it libations drinks drinks we need to provide our guests with drinks and food food and drinks fit for royalty. Okay, so what do I do, though? Oh, provide them. Drink them? Oh, under no circumstances eat or drink them. I mean, ideally, if there was a way that you could create them without touching them at all, that would be our preference. Thank God I don't have to eat them,

because a lot of the stuff that I've been trying to make recently, just between us, not good. Right. Crumbs, is this our only option uh that's all that's left i'm afraid okay right well do we do we think do we think any of the others would have a better shot at making anything i think i think everyone's kind of really punching slightly above their capabilities yeah they really are let's go back let's go back to the rat having a mental breakdown and see if we can uh see if we can uh make this make this work you look back over and she's already like has another tomato and is writing against the wall absent-mindedly oh no oh dear okay okay okay

listen i think i get ordinarily i i would i would i would go with sternness, but I think maybe just positivity. Jennifer, how about you rub that tomato, instead of on the wall, on a little bit of toasted bread and, hey presto, bruschetta. Mmm. Okay. Is that it? That's my job? Well, I mean, I would add a little bit of garlic and some basil. Is that it? That's my job?

Well, I mean, I would add a little bit of garlic and some basil. And then obviously you've got to make that, but times 10,000. Slow down, slow down. She's trying to keep up by writing in the tomato on the wall. Then we have some antipasti. Then we move on to the fish course. Then after that, I think probably 10,000 short rib beefs. Selection medium, selection medium rare, selection medium well done.

Then we'll have just some crudités and a little amuse-bouche, some cocktails, and then the pasta course. Got it! There's just nonsense scribbled on the wall. Great. Sorry to disturb, but I want to take my midday

nap. Can you guys sing me a lullaby? Oh, please. It'd be a great honor, Princess Chalice. Jennifer, if you'd please excuse us. Of course, my fancies. Well, Princess Chalice, we will happily sing you a lullaby, as we always do, singing one line at a time. Yeah, my favorite.

Well, technically, butler number two used to sing the second word. So can you guys do every third, like the first word and then leave out the second and then, Crumbs, you do the third? Yes, of course. Absolutely. In many ways, that might be easier. Anyways, that might be easier. Princess, you must to Wednesday.

Then inflatable sleep Wednesday. And Chalice is falling asleep and also feeling a little guilty that she made them do that but it went great so after Chalice's heavy lids close and she slumbers Chalice when you wake back up you are no longer in Bottoms Up but as planned you are now in Two Tree Hill,

where the wedding venue is. So that's where your wedding will take place. And we're going to pick up in Two Tree Hill in the Great Hall with your two favorite butlers to decide on decorations and flowers. Aw, you guys carried me here. Well, of course. I mean, how else?

Is there any other way for a princess to travel? Oh, no. I love this. Would you like me to open your eyelids for you? Yes, thank you, crumbs. They're so heavy. Yes, they must be. You've been using them all day.

Very brave. So what do you think it for decorations? Well, so that you don't have to do much thinky-winking with your brainy wane, we have assembled a short list of three possible themes for you. And you can simply point or have Crumbs lift your hand up and point for you at whichever is your favorite. Great. Crumbs, tell her the first.

Renaissance decadence. Wow. Okay, great. Love it. What else? The second is country hoedown. Yes. is country hoedown. Yes, as you recall, on my half hour every two months

that I'm not in service, I am an enthusiastic country dancer. Of course I remember that, Lord Serbomore. I used to go to all your shows. Yes, you did indeed. The absolute highlights of my whole life. So yes, that's the second theme bales of hay and uh and stetsons galore and crumbs the third yes uh it is it's

it's a very simple uh large maze um made out of uh shrubbery, then a large selection of topiary statues depicting all the major life events of your life and, of course, of your husband to be. Yes, and at the centre of the maze, the Minotaur. Incredible. Crumbs, can you lift my hand and point to Renaissance Decadence? Yes, of course, of course.

There we go. And point it. Well pointed, Princess. Renaissance Decadence. Don't mind if I do. That's a great choice. Great choice. What do we do about the Minotaur?

I think we just phone the agency and see if we can just pay him half a day instead of the full no yeah fair enough wonderful we're almost there princess chalice next up we have had your uh ragtag ensemble of associates prepare the necessary components for this wedding uh we look forward to seeing exactly what it is they have ready for you uh we shall usher each one of them in at which point, if crumbs can hold up your thumb in either a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Like this or like this.

Like exactly. Very good. Well held, crumbs. Thank you. Or if there are any augmentations or adjustments that you'd like, then do simply say the word. Great.

This is the best day of my life. Okie doke. First and foremost, Chip, please enter and update us as to the status of your invitation work we hey wow there was nothing to slide on that yes really painful chip quite a splintery floor i'm afraid i have some ointment for that. I'll sort you out later, Chip. All right. Sounds good.

Yeah, I'm going to need that. Yeah. So I was told to deliver invitations by hand, which I, of course, did. I took the invite list, and I would, of course, go up to guests. And with my hand, I would grab them, lift them upwards into the air off their feet, and use my other hand, of course, to ball it into a fist and threaten them to come to the wedding.

Yeah, so I did that. Did they say yes? They went, okay, yeah, I'll go. Like that. Good enough for me. It's a thumbs up. Oh, wow, there we go. Sounds like we're going to have a full wedding. Good enough for me. It's a thumbs up. Oh, wow. There we go.

Sounds like we're going to have a full wedding. This is really exciting. Yeah, thanks, Chip. I mean, I don't want to know how the sausage gets made. People getting here is people getting here. Whee! Ow. Oh, again.

Great commitment to that mode of transport. Seb, if you could please explain your plan for the ceremony. Seb's nowhere to be seen, But then all the lights go off And then a spotlight comes down And I am on a skateboard And I immediately fall and get road rash all over my chin And I go, hey, what's going on everybody? Hey, we're having a good time

I'm a cool guy and this is a cool wedding Let's hear it for the bride and the groom um and i'm running out of cool stuff so i will go to another um terrible sentence fragment um yeah they just kept on saying that uh that looks really ripe for what that is uh seb i'm gonna stop you right there oh thank god screams renaissance decadence you look cool dude i love it thumbs up crumbs uh jailport jailbird is uh just grinning ear to ear too and nodding enthusiastically wonderful we might just pull this off crumbs can you see beef anywhere um wait no well i'm it's because i'm coming from the sky here we go no surely yeah beef's coming from the sky i'm harnessed and i'm dressed like a real angel thank you and i have a harp and i come down to the stage uh tingling into my harp what however you play a harp tingling and i say come in kids

and a hundred of chip's cousin all of chip's nieces and nephews all of his kids that i daycared back in a couple of episodes ago uh come in and so it's a children's choir and i say hit it kids my goodness christmas in the northwest christmas is the best time of the year okay that's enough so that's what we got we got a christmas of kids. Chalice is crying because she thinks that moment was so beautiful. Beef, make it less Christmassy, and I'm all on board. You got it. Boys, crumbs. Lord, serve more.

What do we think? I mean, what the bride wants, the bride gets. So de-Christmastify that song, and my goodness, I think we might have it. It was indisputably impressive and indisputably very, very Christmassy. The entire... No way! Nice!

The angel outfit was wonderful. I see now that it's an Angel Gabriel costume. The nativity scene that you've lovingly built was very interesting. Yes, the Father Christmas outfit and the Christmas trees could all probably go. I hope you can get a refund on that. Oh, yeah. Well, thank you for noticing. I accidentally threw away the receipts.

That's on me. I'm grumpy. I want popcorn. Quick, want popcorn quick quick quick pop it pop each kernel individually crumbs i'm trying i'm trying try harder i need it hotter here's one kernel that i've managed to pop using my buttocks okay oh okay okay no no don't don't feed her that uh well listen i i have another proposal uh beef whilst beef goes in attempts to return the christmas items uh we still have to see Jennifer, who is hopefully providing delicious food and drinks.

Ah, well, if you're hungry, fear not. Of course. Jennifer's here. Jennifer? Crumbs, how do I get you over here? I need your back. This is a really heavy plate. Oh, yeah.

No, no, please. Scuttle over, scuttle over. Here I am. Just pop it on my haunch. Okay. So what I've prepared for all of you is a simple plate of the things you said before. And I hope you like it. And you look and it actually looks like exactly like what you described before.

looks like exactly like what you described before a beautiful like baguette covered in tomato with the pasta everything is there um as you described before whoa whoa jennifer i didn't know you could cook yes actually wasn't too difficult i just i cooked it by i walked down the street and then i like said all those words that you said to me to that really nice restaurant. And then I made it that way. And then I have it and I made it. Well, I love it. I have no notes other than less Christmas. Everything is perfect. You two did perfect. The best two butlers in the world. Princess Chalice, you've done incredibly well, but allow crumbs to hold your eyelids open for just a few minutes more. There is one more task left to do, which is...

Say yes to the dress. Yay! We cut to a very fancy dress store where Chalice is already in the back, presumably trying on a dress. I can't wait. I can't wait. Hi.

Chalice. Wow. This one's too hot, though. I feel hot in this. Well, yes. I think, obviously, this is the denim number, which I did visit for the this. Well, yes. I think, obviously, this is the denim number, which I did visit for the country hoedown wedding.

It's a really formidable cut. I like the shoulder ruffles. There's ruffles galore. In fact, ruffles galore is the name of the designer of this particular denim. The ruffles go all the way down. Wow. I'm going to try the next one. I'm going to try the next one. Okay. No offense to ruffles galore the way down. Wow. I'm going to try the next one. I'm going to try the next one. Okay.

No offense to Ruffles Delore, who's a character. A real character. You're not going to try, at least try on the hat with that outfit. Did you not see the matching hat? Yeehaw. And the boots? I hate it. I hate it.

I'm changing. Okay. Dress number two. Okay. This one's too cold, I think. It just feels like. It's kind's kind of i think you know what it's it's more of a a small bit of armor in which to fight a minor tour with yes yes it's a sort of yeah it's a breastplate and uh yes and the kind of uh yeah waist shield uh yes i i'd imagine

that might become practical during this wedding uh well i i i don't think the renaissance decadence has as much of a combat element uh as some of the others okay what are all the beads hanging off of it for is that the decadence i mean it is a fairly decadent version of a Minotaur fighter's armor. I think the beads are representative of the scalps that the warrior has claimed in battle. Let me try the next one. It's not right. Okay, yeah, you're right. Are you not going to try the hat with that one?

Yeah, try the country and western hat on again if you were there. I love it. I love it. I really do love it. Did that one say juicy on the butt as she walked away? It certainly did. And she tries on the last one. Okay, before I walk out, this one is just right.

Oh, she hasn't walked out yet. But the silhouette is something else. My goodness. Oh, my God. Well well i'd marry you not like you know you know like not not me dude chill dude chill jelper just walks forward speechless and hate a single tear i tackle i tackle jelper and I close his eyes. I put my hands over his eyes. Jouper!

I'm so sorry. You guys haven't been looping me in on a lot of this stuff, so I'm just trying to tag along. This was probably not something I was supposed to see. And you came to this one? Get out of here, man. You're not supposed to see until the first look or until the vow ceremony.

Come on. You're not a cool guy. You're not a cool guy. I plop him onto Seb's skateboard and I push him out. Do a kickflip. I want to walk up to Chalice and hold her hand and say,

you look so pretty, Chalice. And then Chalice starts crying and then she puts the hat on with it too much i don't i quite like it but yeehaw okay no hat um i think i'm saying yes to the dress i think that this is she's saying yes to the dress thank you this is wonderful uh now allow us uh crumbs uh as discussed uh if we pay using one of your four remaining hearts and whichever of my internal organs the shopkeeper requires, I think that's... Wait, what? Go, Blatter!

Oh, gosh, you're here the whole time. I tackle that guy and close his eyes. You're not supposed to be here! Okay, we don't have another skateboard for that guy to get out of here. supposed to be here okay we don't have another skateboard for that guy to get out of here sorry to eavesdrop on your butler huddle but are you guys talking about paying for this dress what oh um oh no i know of course not hold on crumbs we can't lie to the princess but also we cannot embarrass her by letting her know that she's correct in this instance princess chalice would you please join us momentarily in this butler huddle?

It would be my honor. Princess, it would be our greatest honor to gift you this dress. We understand that you don't have the finances and it really is the finest of all the dresses. Yes, we vow to give, to lead lives of service, and if that involves giving our lives in service to you, then so be it. Can you live without a gallbladder? I'll be fine, but you're going to die, unfortunately. Oh, dear, okay, fair enough. I was speaking on your behalf there.

Yes, yes, no, that makes sense. Well, it's been an honour. Elves are functionally immortal, I think, so, I mean, my gallbladder will if anything regrow but uh as a puglin you're you're on thin ice already i think is it normally sort of 15 to 20 years that you tend to uh yeah i've had a good run and you're you're down you're down one half so uh what i'm sorry you guys what am i what am i doing you were gonna give up your heart and your gallbladder, different stakes, but still way too nice. You guys, you need your money to take care of yourselves and your family. What am

I doing? What am I doing? I haven't carried myself to bed. I haven't blinked for myself. I haven't gotten water for myself. Oh my God. I knew this would happen. You know what? I don't know what the ceremony of this is, but you two are released from your obligation to serve me. I don't know what to say, Princess Chalice. This is such an extraordinary gesture. Do you want us to ceremonially kill ourselves? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Wow. So relieved you asked that follow-up question no i want you to be free to be wedding planners or to be go retire or do whatever you want get your own butlers you deserve it you took such good care of me you were the only people who really loved me growing up i didn't't really have anyone since my mom died, and you guys just deserve the best life ever. You can be guests at my wedding, but you don't need to do this. We?

Guests? Can be guests? Not standing outside, shooing other people away? Honored guests. In fact, I want you two to be in my wedding party. As friends. This is more than two humble butlers could ever have asked for. I'm going to start writing a diary. This will be the best entry, partly because it's the first, but it's such a joyous moment.

I just want to treasure this forever. Chalice goes and gets them each a glass of water and hands it to them. It's such a joyous moment. I just want to treasure this forever. Chalice goes and gets them each a glass of water and hands it to them. Oh, my goodness. So this is what it feels like. You're free. Oh, my gosh. The gold bracelets they were wearing,

both unclasped and felled off their wrists. Yeah, like a genie's. Oh, my gosh. Those were heavy, weren't they, those yes yes hand just sort of floats up now i don't really know what to do with it what's the first thing you guys are gonna do now oh um i know exactly what i'm going to do crumbs what are you gonna do oh well i mean i i know i don't i don't need to but i i'd quite like to uh stick by your side and uh perhaps just um help help you out in in any way that the that you feel appropriate and and you know just tell him you love him we all know it's true perhaps you know

as a friend you let me sleep at the bottom of your bed. And that would be such a wonderful, wonderful thing. So are you saying you'd like to be my butler? Your butler friend? My BF? Yes, I could. My God, they're circling it. I could see that.

We'll give them time. I could see that. But as English butlers, we shall let it remain forever unsaid just beneath the surface what we but crumbs i have news for you if you wish to sleep at the end of my bed you'll need to follow me on my journey which is lord servermore puts on the 10 gallon hat yee-haw, crumbs. I'm going to be opening up a line dancing school. Oh. Oh, right.

Yeah, okay, sure. Why not? Ha ha ha! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And we were joined by the incomparable comedy duo, Max and Yvonne. If you want more of Max and Yvonne, you are in luck. They too have a podcast on the HeadGum Network called Sound Deals. Sound Deals is the world's premier and only podcast shopping channel. Join hosts Max and Yvonne at Max and Yvonne on all social media

and an array of special guests as they are given made up products to sell and forced to improvise what they are and why you should buy them. Got a product you'd like featured? Email it to sounddeals at maxandavon.com. They were such a blast to have and that's some of the hardest I've laughed since we started recording this show. Consider joining our Patreon and help us as we inch closer and closer to our stretch goal of 500 patrons. Doing so means we'll release a one-shot GM'd by Aaron Keefe inspired by the TV series Lost. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 30 hours of

content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is, drumroll please, Chip's Tips Part 3. Chip's Tips is an in-universe show where Chip invites guests from Frasier to talk about their love life and the problems that they're experiencing.

It's also co-hosted by Jennifer, a dear friend of mine. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.