SitcomD&D - S3 E1: Letter Forgetter

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

After remembering he drunkenly sent a letter that could destroy his new relationship, Chip forces the gang on a quest to get the letter back back before it's too late.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest: Ryan Asher Story Concept by Waleed Mansour & Sean Coyle Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Elizabeth and Ryan, can you guys do me a favor? Can you describe your friendship in three words? Ryan, yeah, I'd love to hear it. Brother, sister, beans. Does that match up with your answers Elizabeth actually yeah I wrote it down and she said I wrote down brother sister beans

I just pictured you two playing two nuns both named sister beans oh wow that's the next video Elizabeth sister beans are you awake yes and I'm horny, as usual.

No. We've got a hit. We've got a hit. Thank you, Molly. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. It's good to be back. If this is your first time tuning in, let me fill you in on what's happened so far. Sab, a neurotic human druid, owns a tavern and inn named Bottoms Up,

which he works at alongside his three best friends, Chip, a bombastic half-orc fighter, alongside his three best friends, Chip, a bombastic half-orc fighter, Beef, a bonkers halfling bard, and Chalice, a dramatic half-elf sorceress and runaway princess. These four friends and coworkers have consistently struggled to keep the lights on and the doors open at bottom zone.

And over the course of their escapades, Chip and Chalice just may have caught feelings for one another. But before they could express their true feelings, Chalice agreed to marry a prince from a nearby kingdom in order to save his life from a terrible curse. During Chalice's engagement to another man, Chip conveniently started a long-distance relationship

with a woman by the name of Alberta Toronto. All of this led up to last episode, the day of Chalice's wedding, in which Chip raced across the kingdom in order to object only to find that Chalice had already called off the wedding herself. And just when Chalice and Chip were maybe going to finally tell each other how they feel,

who shows up but none other than Alberta Toronto herself. Chip's very real girlfriend, as it turns out. And with that said, in today's episode, we are picking up a few days after the wedding as Chip and the gang say goodbye to Alberta as she prepares to leave Bottoms Up and head back from Frayser to her hometown up north, Niles. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. to her hometown up north, Niles. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling!

Dice! Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by- step our growing pains are improving home and away

We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass.

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience oh my goodness what an unbelievable weekend uh i can't believe you're already leaving me neither my love my chip my dip oh the way we did it all the way we did it all over town at the best buy at the bottom of the bar alberta on top of a horse my friends are right here they're We did it all over town. At the Best Buy. At the Bottom's Up Bar. Alberta.

On top of a horse. My friends are right here. They're going to hear you. Oh, like we didn't hear you guys already. Jesus. I'll finally get some sleep once you leave. No offense, but do you really got to go, Alberta? I know, right?

It's like, what if someone just invited me to live with him and I wouldn't have to go back to Niles, but those questions haven't been asked yet. Come on, Chip. Why don't you propose? Beef, we just met each other in person for a couple days ago, okay? And Beef, you

know that I'm a wild feminist, so I'll be the one doing the proposing. Whoa. God, God, you're an enigma. Alright, time to go. And Chalice is like picking up Alberta's suitcase and putting it in her hand more and sort of pushing her towards

the road. Oh, thank you so much, Chelsea, for helping me with my luggage. Chalice, you know I'm creating a wee kiss. Chip, give me a big wet one. A big sloppy wet kiss right on my fat half dragon lips.

Oh, of course. I would love nothing more. Oh, oh. They even kiss loud. Sorry if I taste like macaroni and cheese. You know it's all i eat you know it's what i love oh baby uh while they're making out beef's um unzipping alberta's luggage and trying

to get himself to go inside the luggage uh beef do you want to roll for stealth oh. I rolled a seven. Not great. Okay, so as you're trying to get into Alberta's luggage, you damage it a bit, and the rip on it makes a pretty loud sound, as do you, with a little like, oh! And Alberta sees you trying to sneak into her luggage. Oh, sweet beef. You know I only got thongs in there. I'll let you keep one, because you're so cute. I only got thongs in there. I'll let you keep one because you're so cute.

And me. I was in there. Oh, Seb, you silly guy. You get a thong too. And Chelsea, meh. I'm going to wear it like a necklace. Chalice whispers under her breath, she's everything I'm not. She's got it all.

Miss, Miss Berda, Miss Berda? Yes? Beef walks up to her, looking a little shy. I'd like to give you something special from me to you. You're just so cool. Beef, you're freaking upstaging me here. Take a note from little Beef there, Chip. Go on.

Beef gets on one knee. From little beef there, Chip. Go on. Beef gets on one knee. It would be an honor if you held on to this rock for me. It's my favorite rock. Oh, my goodness. I've never been given such a gift in my life.

His name's Mr. Pebbles, and he's really fun to talk to in the morning, but he's a real bastard at night. Kind of like Chip. chip oh he's so dirty huh yeah okay chalice throws up into her hand and then puts it in her pocket yeah chip is so dirty isn't he he's a little wild man he's i bet you guys have crazy times oh yeah lots of him on his hands and knees and me riding around like he's my pony. Oh, my God. Yeah. Gee-ha.

I mean, giddy up. I make it good horse. What do you want me to say? It is what it is. Oh, your carriage is here. Oh, no. Oh, man. Does she have to go? Joss, it's been here the whole time.

Oh, sad. Well, I want each one of you to know that getting to spend the last few days with me has been an honor and a privilege. I am going to miss you so much, except for one. One I could take a leave, you know. But Chip, I got to say it. I love you. Chip, are you going to say it back? Reciprocate,

man. I did it in public so you would feel like you had to say it back. No, no. I've been waiting. I wanted to say it months ago, but it felt wrong via letter. Alberta, I love you. Say it again. I love you. I love you. Grab each other. Chalice is trying to get the horses riled

up, so they start taking off, so she'll have to immediately get McCarrick. Seb coughs out another thong. Oh, God. Goodbye, everyone. And Chip, my love, I hope you're ready for some horny, naughty letter writing. Bye.

Bye. Bye, Berta. Bye, Berta. Okay alberta pulls away chip i'm gonna have you roll for wisdom okay a 12 with a 12 you remember that you did write a letter and your stomach drops because you remember when you wrote a letter and it's when you had left Jalis' and Jalpert's wedding and you were in quite a state and you had been drinking and then you drank a lot more and you were pretty upset that Alberta didn't show to the wedding and you had never met in person. And you wrote a letter. You know that's a fact and you sent it to Alberta.

Uh-oh. What was in that letter, you do not remember. With the 12. God. You have no idea. Classic. You know when you wrote it. You know that it was sent.

And that's all you know. And it is waiting for Alberta right now at her place up north in Niles. Oh, what the? Oh, God. Oh, no. Bye, Berda. Bye, Berda. Bye, Berda.

Beef, stop chasing after the carriage, Beef. You're going to get hurt. I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss her so much. Yeah, I think you're going to miss her for good. Because I think I may have broken up with her. Maybe. What?

Say what now? No, Chip, you guys are very much... She was just here for a week. I know. You said you loved each other. Yeah, I do. What are you talking about? I love her. We doinked all up and over town,

especially at the Best Buy. And also, Chip, I wanted to talk to you about this. We share a room. Just tell me and I'll leave. Just tell me and I'll go. You can get the hint. You did it on top of me several times.

I couldn't have gone if I wanted to. Beef runs up to Chip and like a child who's having a tantrum starts punching Chip's belly. He's like, you didn't do this. You're ruining my life. Why would you ruin my life? I don't know. I have no clue what that letter says that I sent

her. I was in a drunken stupor. This is after I found out she wasn't at the wedding and oh my god, I don't know what it says. It can't be good though. Well, things really do work themselves out, huh? Well, french fries, anyone? And Chalice opens the door to go back into bottoms up.

No, I need to go. If we just go get the letter, then she can't read the letter, and then whatever's on it doesn't count. It doesn't even matter. Chip, chip, chip, chip. Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. You know my name. Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea.

You know my name. I've been single for about 72 hours, which is not long. But I do know it's a party over here. Are you crying? No. That's water from my eyes. Oh, your eyes never give you water? Chalice, roll for deception.

No. I don't want to. I botched. I hate it here. Oh, that sucks. I hate this season. This season stinks. Kick season three.

Yeah, so that only, getting it pointed out and you trying to lie about it only made you cry a little bit harder. Nobody's saying anything. Yeah, no, we're not. We just won't address it. That might be kinder. Anyways, guys,

as much as I love French fry hour, I don't know. Chip needs us right now. Thank you. Think of all the things we've done for you, Chalice, with Jabertle, or whatever the hell his name is. His name was Jabertle.

It's literally been a couple days. Okay, yeah, but I mean, what has anyone ever done for me? I mean, why should I be part of the group and go along too? Wait, what? What did you say? Why? Okay, you guys are so desperate for me to come along as well, Chip, and help. Oh, you don't have to come.

Yeah. No, no. Actually, if you stayed back and ran the bar, yeah, that would be actually helpful. Oh, my God! I could help! I would be so good. I know a lot of stuff. I know right now that there's a chance that the post doesn't work on the weekends, right? So that it's probably still at the local post office and hasn't even got officially sent yet.

I know stuff like this. That's perfect. Thank you for the info, Jennifer. You can stay here now, I guess. All right, pull down the fort and we'll go check that out. Oh, my God! Look, how about this? Me and Chip will go to the local post office.

If it's there, then we're done. We're done. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. It's barely even we're done. We're done. Easy peasy. It's barely even a whole episode. We'll finish this in 20 minutes. You know what? I'm going to come along. Not to slow things down on purpose.

Okay, then why? She's popping and walking. She was break dancing during all of that. Because I could use a walk. I'm trying to just sort of get back in my body after such a crazy weekend of crying in my room. Let's just go and I won't slow you. Hey, Chelsea, we've already started walking.

Down. Okay, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming, I want to come. Yeah, we head towards a local post office. So you guys know exactly where this post office is. You arrive there, and it's, you know, a thatched-roofed, you know, just kind of larger building, larger than a typical home would be, But it's not like a huge operation. It's the local post office here. And as you enter the building, you see that there is a gentleman with a big walrus type mustache on his face sitting behind the counter.

Yeah. So know that it wasn't a cyst. I had actually absorbed my twin in the womb. Hey, we're here. Oh, so no, that, uh, it wasn't assist. I had actually absorbed my twin in the womb. Hey, we're here! Oh my god, we are! Wow, that story was incredible. Yeah, we gotta pick up on that story later, okay? There's gotta be more steps to it. I'll give you a clue, teeth.

Hello, Mr. Postman? Yeah, what can I do for ya? Yeah, uh, uh, I need to unsend a letter. What do you mean? Like a Command-Z of some sort. Is that possible? Command-Z! Oh, I thought you were casting a spell for a second.

Is that possible? Well, you see, my name's Z, and I thought you were about to command me. That was some scary stuff. I Command-Z to unsend my letter. Oh, what are my arms doing? Oh, nothing. Yeah, doing? Oh, nothing. Yeah, not a spell. Okay.

Wait, what do you want me to do? Wait, wait. What, are you up to some funny business? Because I'll call the guards. I'll call the guards. They'll get here quick. This is crazy. Usually there's a long, long line at the post office, but nobody's here today.

This is strange. Can Chalice attack him? You want to attack this guy? I mean, I'm not sabotaging things. Yeah, yeah, you can attack this guy. What do you want to do to this guy, to Z? I want to throw a snowball at his face. The snowball thing?

Yeah. Like a snowball attack? You're going to kill this guy, but as long as you're okay with that, you're going to murder this man. Jalos is holding a snowball in her hand and thinking. July.

Worth it or not. I'm still thinking about it. What are you doing with that snowball? What are you guys? Just tell me what you want. I just don't even understand yet. I sent a letter by mistake in a drunken stupor, and I just need to undo that. Okay? Yeah.

Is there an undo button here? Thank you, B. This is what I'm talking about. Listen, I'm not supposed to do stuff like this, but. What are you post to do? Tight. Really tight. Everyone high fives Chip. But like quietly. I go down the line. Yeah. Really tight. Everyone high fives Chip.

But like quietly. I go down the line. Yeah, very quiet. I'm post to do my job. And my job entails making sure that stuff gets sent to where it's supposed to be delivered. All right? So this is, you know, a local post. So when stuff comes in, you know, then we tie it to one of the the many pigeons

that we have uh in in our arsenal and it takes it the rest of the way uh so well i guess i'll try to track this thing down hopefully it hasn't gotten sent yet if it is yours you know i'm gonna have to see some proof of identity as well so who exactly are you okay i am chip a hoy i did the thing where i lied about the thing where i killed the dragon oh i actually do know oh yeah i know who that is all right all right that's me you're a loser man what you're a total loser man what are you talking about from one loser to another man you're repping us, and I appreciate it. You're a loser? Hell yeah, man.

Then we're nothing alike, okay? I'm not a loser. I got a girlfriend, and she's hot, and we had sex at Best Buy. And on top of me. And on top of Seb. Well, I don't really feel much like helping you anymore, then. No, no, no. Can I roll a persuasion roll?

Sure. A 16. Okay, how do you try to persuade him? Listen, you loser, okay? Haven't you ever been in love before, all right? If not, then maybe you should look at this loser right here, standing in front of you, okay, and know that he is in love for maybe the first time in his life, and you got to give me the help that I need.

He wipes a tear out of his eye. There's water coming out of his eyes. Wow. A very common phenomenon that's not associated with sadness. Now, I'm not post to do this, but I'll look into this real quick. Sort of diminishing returns on that one.

No, we high-five him. Shut up, Seb. I high-five him. Okay, okay, okay. That's good. He goes to the back. He goes, Okay, don't make any big noises. I got a pigeon in my hands. And he's petting

a small pigeon. And he's like, This little guy had his letter. Look, it says, from Chippe Hoy to Alberta. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. And Chelsea, what are you trying to do with that? I'm trying to get the sound

to scare the pigeon into the air. Okay. Why don't you roll for that? Roll for pigeon persuasion. You can roll with advantage since basically it's just noise that startles this thing. I got a 20, baby. Okay. The pigeon pecks Z's hand and explodes into the air in a flurry of feathers.

And before you know it, it is halfway out the door of the post office and into the sky. Chalice, what the, what the heck? Well, shucks. I had a song in my heart and it's dangerous to keep a song in there. I sprint out, I shove everybody out of the way and I pull out my crossbow and I shoot it at the pigeon.

Oh. Okay, okay. Now this thing is moving. It's within range for sure, but it is getting farther and farther away every split second that passes. So give me a roll. 16. It clips the wing of this pigeon

and it kind of starts circling towards the earth and right before it hits the ground its wings catch the air again and it soars back up and continues on its journey no that's illegal the postmaster general will have your head if he caught you doing that yeah you can't shoot down a pigeon chip well you can't sing anymore i banned you from singing. I don't know if it works like that, man. No, it doesn't work like that. You guys want some french fries? You have to say command chalice, and then you have to say it.

Yeah, loser. I don't know. I'm getting kind of hungry. My tummy is rumbling for some reason. French fries? That's it? We give up that quickly? Of course.

I can see the pigeon. Yeah, man. We're hungry. We are hung-gory-a. Honestly, I kind of miss Jennifer. Yeah, I really miss Jennifer. Yeah, and you're talking to a group of people that once played Monopoly for 14 seconds

and then got bored. What did you expect? I don't know. Maybe you helped me with my love considering I just helped you with yours. Okay. You had a whole thing and I came and I fought my way and I beat up people and I killed people to get to that wedding. Killed people? Hundreds of people.

I killed hundreds of people. Okay. To make it there to convince you to do the thing that you already did. Fine. I'll help you. Wait, Jennifer, is that you? Whoa. Yeah.

Jennifer. That's me. I'm here. Whoa. That's weird. Fancy seeing you guys here. I was just going to mail something to my other best friends, my even better friends, actually.

But might as well join you guys if you're on a quest or something. Wait, who's in charge of the bar right now, Jennifer? Jonathan, the spirit guard. Seb. I'm not an idiot. It cuts back to Bottoms Up for a second, and the song Celebration's playing, and there's an absolute rager happening.

There's a grotesque rotting corpse sitting behind the bar. There's a bunch of black flies. Oh, God. Have we not stuffed him yet? Is he taxidermied, do you think, at this point? We got a taxidermy. You're right. Okay, there's a pristine-looking corpse sitting behind the bar.

All right, excellent. Excellent. All right, see, now we got Jennifer. We got the whole crew, and now it's fun, Right. Now it's fun. We're doing fun today. OK, I'm in. But we got to stop for some kind of yum yums along the way. Well, I don't mean to butt in, but I am now part of not the whole group, but this quest. Part of this quest. And as part of this quest, I'm just thinking I know that from here, if a letter was to travel

all the way to Niles, well, then one pigeon typically would have to get replaced by another at the second outpost. Which, of course, I know where that is. And on the way, Beef, there's a pretty good sandwich shack. Oh.

Well, now that we have all that information, you can just go back to the bar. Thank you so much. I'm on the quest. I'm on it, Ted. Okay. This is so fun. They're all just standing in a circle looking down at Jennifer.

All right, well, let's go. Who's driving? I'm driving. I got it. I don't trust chalice to drive right now for some reason i think she would go very slow me and beef beef i'm sorry just what what what about say it say it man say it say it out loud you get crushed every time you try to drive. That's one man's opinion. Potato, potato.

I bet Beef could drive. No, I bet you could drive without getting crushed right now, Beef. You could do this, man. You got this, Beef. Yeah, I can do anything, man. Does Beef actually want to try to? Yeah, I'll try. Okay. Beef, you're going to roll a strength check,

and you're going to have to really summon something well it's like god damn it we have time to do this i don't want to get to the letter okay a 15 plus do i have any strength no it's minus one wow and there it is so with 15 minus 1 everyone gets on top of Beef and Beef you've got everyone kind of situated in this crazy stack like a Lion King-esque

stack of animals and you just can't wait to be king and you're starting to squat your knees tremble and you are about to squat your knees tremble and you are a song in my heart yes you're about to lock your knees uh but thank god you don't because they probably would have broken uh you you crumble to the ground everyone on top of you in a heap i just can't wait to be

oh Oh, shucks. Dang, Jennifer, you want to try? No. We should probably get going. It's getting dark. We've been here for a while. I pick up everybody and take off. Put my ass in drive.

Do you put your ass in drive? Yeah, I put my ass in drive and I take off. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery.

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Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Wait, so I gotta ask. You ate him? You ate your twin? Yeah, in the womb. But through the absorption, so it is just kind of...

And actually, you can kind of see it. So it's got teeth and stuff. Is that what that is? Yeah, and if you do this, it sings that Akon song. I thought that was part of your back tattoo. No, that is not a period. That is my twin brother. I call him Max.

And it all on the floor. Give me some more. Not now, not now, not now, not now. Oh my God, was that him? Well, yeah, but that was the Justin Timberlake song featuring Akon, so. Hey Chip, I got a question for you. Hey Talos, what's up?

How sure are you that this letter is bad? Like, when you're drunk, you're kind of a happy drunk most of the time. I feel like maybe you said something awesome. Oh, just... Well, I'm not certain, but I guess we could, like, recount the potential things that it could be.

I mean, without a doubt, it could be a breakup letter. Right, it could be, like, you have feelings for someone else. It could be... I don't know that it could be i mean there's without a doubt it could be a breakup letter right it could be like you have feelings for someone else it could be i don't know why it would be that but it could be uh it could be like an i love you letter it could be good yeah so if we stop the bird and it's a nice thing i will just let the bird on its way that's pretty good yeah we'll give it a pat and we'll go give it some seed and we'll send it on its way. And Chalice leans over and she pulls a flask out of Beef's breast pocket. She goes, drink this.

If we get you in the same mental state you were in, we can remember what the letter says and figure it out from there. Oh, wait, wait, wait. You're going to want to switch out that flask. That's my piss flask. Here's the whiskey flask. Beef, these look identical. I know. Wait, Chip,

pull over. There's no way. If you're drinking that, you're not driving. Yay. Alright, everybody. It's on me. i'm driving today oh my god seb hasn't driven in like well his license got revoked this is dangerous oh my god he's putting on his driving gloves this is serious all right okay onwards and i And I have like those little racing goggles and a bomber jacket.

And I go, let's go, boys and gals. Seb, you better not get pulled over. You know what happened last time. Oh, we're fine. We're fine. We're fine. We'll be fine. Get drunk, get drunk, get drunk.

Seb, why don't you do a strength check with advantage? Okay. I have my gloves on, so of course it's vintage. Alright, so first one was I botched. Second one was a 19. Oh yeah.

You put that ass in gear and you are moving, Seb. I can't wait for what fart sound I get. Seb, why don't you roll a d4 to see how many hours pass on your journey to the next post? Four. Oh, boy. Harder than it looks. Yeah, my ass is sore.

And Chip, why don't you roll a Constitution check to see how much you've been drinking. 13. So with a 13, Chip is buzzed. He's feeling good. Oh, man. What's his name? What's your twin's name? Max.

All right. It's Max. Max, I like you, Max. Everybody stop. Everybody stop. What? Watch me dance. Don't dance in the car. Don't dance.

Well, crap. Don't dance in the car. Seb's going to be pissed. Seb's going to be pissed. Hey, Chalice. Chalice. Woo. Woo.

No, no, no. Everybody chill. Everybody chill., God. Everybody chill. Everybody chill. Everybody chill. Everybody chill. Because you were trying to dance. Okay, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. All right, all right, all right.

All right. Be cool, be cool, be cool. You look behind you, and two patrolmen were driving right behind you. One was acting kind of like a little motorcycle, and the other one was on top of him riding him like a little motorcycle. the other one was on top of him riding him like a little motorcycle and he dismounts and then approaches you. So Seb and

the three of you on top of Seb as Seb's driving. Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there? Not fast. I'm actually making terrible time. Do you know why I pulled you over? Guys, shut up. Guys, shut up.

You shut up. Okay. Chellis. Shut up. Smells a little bit like hard piss and whiskey. Oh, yeah, officer. That's going to be me. But I'm not driving.

I'm living. That's what I'm doing. I'm living. I'm living. Why don't you step out of the vehicle? Who? This little guy. Okay.

Beef hops off Sebbs like because he was holding on to sebs like like a little kid would look i could touch my nose i could touch my toes and i could touch my fucking lobe my little ear lobe look at me flicking my ear lobes this guy's uh this guy's pretty cool actually but i am gonna need I'm going to need to search the vehicle. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You have to say yes. You have to say yes. They can't search unless you say yes, Seb.

No. No, you can't search it. Shit! Who keeps telling everyone our secrets? They know! Donnie! Donnie! They said no!

I know! How do they said no. I know. How do they know this? I don't know. Damn it. All right, you guys got us this time. Okay. Looks like you're staying safe, the driver. You're not drinking, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I got my gloves on. I got this water here, and I'm having a blast, all right? All right. Actually, officer, you might be able to help us. We're in dire need to get to the next outpost. There's a bad letter, a letter that is so bad that it's going to destroy everything. Maybe.

Or good. Or good. Or it could be the best letter that ever heaven sent. Could you please escort us to this place? Our sub guy, he hasn't driven in years. He's beef, beef, beef. I can barely see over the wheel. Command you and the other guy.

Donnie. Command you and Donnie, take us to the outpost. And the gang smirks and everyone slowly turns and looks at the cop doesn't chalice have suggestion like the spell yeah i could do that literally is what that spell does yeah i'll do it all right so i do that spell okay so is it a wisdom saving throw? Attack save is wisdom 13. Okay. Along with your command speech, you use suggestion on this officer to get you guys there quicker. Now, just to clarify the ask that Chalice is doing, do you want a police escort where they are going ahead of you so that there's no stopping? Or do you want to get on their vehicle? What's funnier? That is for a dm to rule on

that is for the committee to submit i mean i i don't want sub to not drive so great uh command you and donnie escort us to the outpost they know the. I don't know how they know this stuff. I don't know. I don't know. All right. You got an escort. We'll take you there. We'll take you to the next outpost, the one just before Niles.

Hopefully you guys get your banned or good letter. I don't know what's going on, Donnie. I don't know. Thank you, officers. He mounts Donnie-like a motorcycle. And they kind of pull around you, and then he stands up and puts his finger in the air and starts twirling it and going, and they are blazing ahead,

charting a course for you guys. What an absurd world we've created. Hey, look, guys, we're here. Yeah, before too long, you pull into the next outpost of the post office. And there is a line at this one.

This seems a little bit more regular. Thank you so much for the escort. Do you think that maybe you could do a little magic and get us to the front of the line cut seas no gosh they know the rules hey beef they know the rules damn it as you walk towards the front door of the post office again you basically see that as soon as you open the door the line begins god i wish any of us would have leveled up their stealth such that

we could cut to the front of this line. You know what I mean? In a time like this. Yeah, me too. That would be so nice if someone did that. That would be. Wait a minute. Oh no, I had a thought and it lost me. No, what was it, Beef? Hold on to that thought. Okay, okay, wait. Keep thinking.

Maybe if we get you drunk. Maybe if we get you drunk. Yeah, more piss, more piss. Okay. Oh, wait. Check this out, guys. Can I disguise self as an old woman and cuties? Well, you can try.

Yeah, I'm going to try. So disguise self, I think you don't have to try for that you automatically do it okay a cute old woman okay yeah describe what this old woman looks like um she has a bun onto a white hair bun on top of her head um she has a hunched back um and she has a little cane and I wear it like a soft gray cloak. And what's her name? Her name's Mead. Miss Mead. Miss Mead. And then with disguise self,

you can go one foot taller or one foot shorter. I'm going to go one foot shorter. Thank you. She's around two feet, maybe two and a half feet tall. Yeah. Keep in mind that beef is tipsy from the drive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just really paid a picture. Okay. Well, with Beef being tipsy, why don't you roll stealth with disadvantage here? 13 plus four. With a 17, Miss Mead tiptoes to not first in line, but right behind first in line. And on the way, tugs on the back robe of the second person in line. They look behind them, but Miss Mead's already stepped in front. When they look back, they think, oh, I must have just thought this.

I must have just missed this person. They're so incredibly small that, of course, I just missed them while I was waiting in line. I must have just missed this person. They're so incredibly small that of course I just missed them while I was waiting in line. I must be third right now. But at least I'm still close. Watch it. Watch it. I've been standing here. I've been standing here. Watch it. I'm tiny, but I'm

meant to be here. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I love to wait Oh, it's my turn Here I go Let me climb up here Hello, sir

Hey, how's it going? Good to see you What can I do for you? I'm going well Thank you for asking I just have a little question for you. Would you happen to have a letter here? I think I misplaced it.

It's a letter with Chip Ahoy on it. Whoa. I had a group of people asking at my last shift at the post office just down the road about this. Oh, my god, Mr. Command Z? Yeah, just Z. Just Z. Wait, you're not doing a spell on me, are you? No, I'm just

a little lady. Are the guys in the back, is that you guys again? No, no. I don't know who those people are. I'm not with those people. I'm not with those people. I'm not with those whistling, those whistling guys. You guys are so slow.

I worked an entire shift and then got to my next shift here at work and beat you. Do you have the letter? Do you have the letter? I'm sorry. I'm done with this raid. Do you have it? We don't have the letter. It got sent out from here, probably.

Oh, my gosh. You guys are going to have to really move. It's in one of our on-foot guy's hands. He's probably going to be dropping it off by hand here any second. Okay, I don't care that I'm drunk. I'm driving. Well, you can't just say that out loud. You're screaming it.

I don't care. Get on. Get on. I'm driving. I'm driving. I'm driving. Chalice is driving. Chalice, you're going to drive? it. I don't care. Get on. Get on. I'm driving. I'm driving. I'm driving. Chalice is driving. Chalice, you're going to drive?

Yeah, I'm scooping everybody up. Before we leave, Miss Mead's going to stomp on Z's hand. What? Oh, my gosh. Thanks for nothing. Yeah, to be fair, you could have stopped it when it was here. Yeah, you knew we wanted it. Yeah, you knew and you you could have stopped it when it was here. Yeah, you knew we wanted it. Yeah, you knew and you said you saw it.

You should have just... You guys are confusing, man. Is this a good letter? Bad letter? You don't even know. I didn't know you were going to show up. We don't know. Chalice, you are holding all of us right now. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Let's go. All right. You guys are

making good time now. Chalice is hustling. So as you approach, Chip, you are seeing Alberta's house for the first time. Oh, my gosh. This is where she lives. Oh, it's just like she described in all her letters. Big, tall, huge, skinny little tower. Chip, why don't you roll for perception?

Okay. Seven. Okay. tower chip why don't you roll for perception okay um seven okay uh chip you can't really tell if the letter's been delivered or not but someone wearing like the post office colors uh is very near the front door of alberta's, I run up to them and I grab them and I shove them against the door. Do you have my letter? Whoa! Do you have my letter? Jesus Christ, man.

Z? Yeah! You guys are slow as hell, man. What the fuck? It's only been nine minutes! I realize, sorry, I misinformed you. We did have the letter. Are you kidding me?

I'm going to break this man in half. Dude, do you have the letter or not, man? You know how important this is to me. Yeah, I had the letter and I delivered it right on time. Just slipped it right through that little mail hole right there. It's in there? Oh my gosh. I try and reach my hand through the little slot.

Whoa, dude, be careful. Her mom lives with her, right? Oh, yeah. She did say that. Oh, man. Maybe I can slip through this little slot and get the letter. You guys aren't gonna try to temper with mail, are you? No. No, sir.

Okay. Well, this has been a crazy day bumping into you guys a couple times. Kind of starting to feel like we're friends. Nope. All right. Shove off. All right. Well, you know where to find me.

I work at both post offices, so. That guy's the new Jennifer. Am I right, guys? Does that mean that I'm not the Jennifer anymore? Oh, God. Oh, God that I'm not the Jennifer anymore? Oh, God. Oh, God. I forgot you were with us.

Holy shit. Wow. So Z shoves off. Yeah, he shuffles off. Yeah, I'd like to see if we can figure out a way to break into this place. Why don't you roll for perception? Come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh, God, a six.

Can somebody else look? I just sit defeated on the steps of the building. I'll look, I'll look, I'll look, I'll look. Can somebody else look? Chip, I'm only doing this because you killed all those people to come help me. And Chalice throws them all behind a bush and confidently knocks on the door. What? Chalice, you see that Alberta's mom wakes up out of the chair.

Who is it? Hi, you're our contest winner. Oh, oh. She starts shuffling her way to the door. I don't remember entering in any contest, but hmm. She opens up the door. You't remember entering in any contest but she opens up the door you won hi she shoves me back into the bushes hi uh you just won uh you won a afternoon tea with a former princess hello i'm princess chalice former princess and you won your afternoon tea is now a good time oh can i roll for perception to see if i can get like see the letters and reaching distance uh sure

16 with a 16 what you can see is over the shoulder of alberta's mother is a pile of mail sitting on like the kitchen table. Are those drapes? You know, I've always wanted to touch drapes before. May I? But you're a former princess. They didn't have drapes where you were? They wouldn't let me touch them. Can you believe it?

We're having fun. You and me. Roll for deception. 18. Oh and me. Roll for deception. 18. Oh, yes. I'd actually love to have some company and you can feel my drapes all you want. I actually made them myself.

Let's walk into your living room together. I will guide you there and Chalice is signaling for the guys to come in the house. What? I push them into the bushes. I would like to slowly creep in and try and search for and then snatch the letter.

Okay, cool. Why don't you roll for stealth? I rolled a 17. While Chip is sneaking towards the pile and going through it, the conversation continues with Chalice. Can I ask you a question, miss? If the carpet matches the drapes?

We're having so much fun. Are you single? Ah, yes, I am. Well, my husband passed away years ago, you see. Oh, I'm so sorry. So I guess between you and me, he's always listening. But I am single. He's always listening.

He's always with me. He's always here. Well, do you like being single? Are you happy? I recently just called off my wedding and it was a whole to-do. Oh, well, it's tough, right? Because once you've found love, everything else just kind of pales in comparison.

Ugh, never mind. Now, Alberta's mom is about to turn around, and Chip is still in the room. So Chip bolts for it. Right in that moment, as the mom is about to turn around, my twin brother,

Max, starts singing Mr. Lonely by Akon. And where are you? So that it pulls her focus. I'm in the bush. Okay. I got pushed into the bush. And Chip, which way are you trying to get out? Yeah, you got to go out the back door.

All right, I'm going out the back door. Okay. Now, Chip, roll for stealth while this happens. And Alberta's mom hears. Chip, roll for stealth while this happens. And Alberta's mom hears, Okay, 14. Alberta's mom turns when she hears the door shut.

She's like, what? Did I not shut the door? Oh, my. Where's my head? So this is, are we going to have tea now? Is that the prize? I'm gonna go. It was so nice meeting you.

Thank you for the advice. I'm sorry your husband's watching you. And I will catch you later. Uh, you should talk to your daughter about how she should never date. All right. Love you. What? No. Bye. What a strange princess. Chalice walks outside and dives into the bushes.

I told her I loved her. You what? Chip comes and meets them in the bushes. Oh, hey, Chip. Okay. And just with that, you see Alberta's carriage pull up, and she starts to dismount her luggage off of it, and she starts making her way her luggage off of it.

And she starts making her way to the front door. Shh, everybody be quiet. Everybody chill, everybody chill. Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. Oh, I'm so glad to be home. My ass hurts. What's new? Here I go, going into my house. Mom, I'm hungry.

Get the macaroni and cheese on the stove. Oh, there's a letter from my love. Here I go, reading it. Wait, I thought you got the letter. What was the point of all of this? I reach into my chest pocket and I show them the letter that I sent her. Oh. I did a switcheroo.

A little switcheroo. What does the new letter say? A little embarrassing. Well, you have to tell us. Yeah, tell us. We spent a whole day. I was like an old lady. I act like an old lady for like a full hour.

What's in the freaking letter? We're missing French fries. Sivu, Play-Doh fries. It's a map and I circled all the places that we doinked around Frasier. Oh, God. Was my head on there? I had to draw you in there, yeah.

Can we go home? I would love nothing more than to put my feet up and eat some french fries and cry. I mean, let water fall from my face. I'd like to let some water fall from my face too.

Yeah, let's go home. I'm driving. They take a couple steps forward out of the bushes and then Chip pulls out the letter and opens the one

that he did send drunkenly and reads it. When Chip reads it, what he's looking at is a map. And there's a bunch of places circled. And it says,

these are all the places I'm hoping that we do it. Are you f***ing kidding me? Okay, my head's right there. Chalice grabs the letter. Oh, my God.

So, well, that was fun. That's a fun rule. You're cleaning the toilets for a month. No. A month. A month, Chip. Hit it, Jennifer. As you guys pull up,

y'all see that Bottoms Up has been boarded up with a sign that reads CLOSED nailed to the front door. The following words are painted in all caps with red paint on a banner that stretches across the front of what used to be Bottoms Up and reads, Coming soon, Chucky Busters. What the f***? So that's what we're starting with and we'll go from there.

Yeah, I did say that kind of fun. That's what we're starting with. Let's get started. Season three. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed Mansour and myself worked on the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And we were joined by the wickedly talented Ryan Asher,

playing the role of the much anticipated Alberta Toronto. Definitely not the last we'll be seeing of them this season. You can follow Ryan on Instagram at Reen underscore machine. Now is also a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 50 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon,

shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is, drum roll please, Prank Cauldron. In this episode, Chip, Chalice, Beef, Seb, and Jennifer place a series of prank calls through their magical cauldron that lands them in some hot water.

This episode goes immediately off the rails, and I'm very excited for y'all to hear it. And if that wasn't enough, there's a good chance we might start releasing four to seven page episodes of my comic book Skyless on the Patreon every week.

So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun! And if you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and in the letters D&D. Okay. I think that's it for now until next Tuesday. And thanks as always

for listening. That was a hate gun podcast.