SitcomD&D - S3 E10: Speakeasy (w/ Atra Asdou)

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

Chalice gets an unexpected visit from her mom’s wild friend Urethra (Atra Asdou). With Urethra’s encouragement, the gang sets up a secret business inside Chuck E. Busters to try and earn some money and HAVE SOME FUN!  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Guest Star:Atra Asdou Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Grace Harper  Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast poetry is a very nerdy thing that i was a i was a teenage poet i will say that poetry yes and in college too oh my god what i would give to read some of those poems i would give my arms no i need to i remember the first poem i ever ever wrote that I was like, this is a poem. And it was in high school, I think sophomore year or freshman year of history class. And when we had learned about Gandhi and India and British colonizers. And I think the first line was, anger rips us up inside. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, we're picking up inside Chuck E. Buster's. It's a pretty normal working day, and the working day is winding down. And as y'all prepare to close for the evening and flip that sign from open to closed, you can't help but notice that Seb has been pretty despondent all day. And in this moment, he's actually just kind of aimlessly staring out the window, out into nothing, and doesn't even really look like he's taking anything in. And that's what we're going to pick up. Quiet on set,

sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Sounds speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up

As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Uh, Seb, you want a little piece of my sandwich? Sorry, I was trying to make this ice cube melt in the palm of my hand. What's going on? That's so you, Seb. Just so on point for you.

Uh, I was just offering you my daily sandwich. Would you like a little rendezvous with you and me? Couple of pals? Sure, why not? I mean, everything just kind of tastes like gray, and everything just kind of melts away like this here ice cube, so... Why not give it a nibble? I don't know. He's a lost cause. Maybe we put him in a basket and take him down the river? I don't know. Oh, Seb!

Hey. Hey, what's up? What about a visit from Mr. Happy Sock? Put me down! Oh, gosh. Chalice, you didn't grab Mr. Happy, you grabbed me. Oh, sorry, you feel the same. Sorry. Mr. Happy Sock.

Hi, Seb. Hey. We love you. Hey, Mr. Happy Sock. Never open up to anyone, all right? Just don't do it because you just end up feeling like this. Yikes. I got it.

Don't worry. Actually, Seb? Seb, is that you? Yes, dude. We live in the same room. Yes, Seb. That's right. Actually, I saw something in the bathroom that I thought was pretty cool. Do you want to come see what it is? Is it a turd? No, that's right. Actually, I saw something in the bathroom that I thought was pretty cool.

Do you want to come see what it is? Is it a turd? No, it's not a turd. Okay, all right. I'm getting up. Grab my hand. All right, I'm grabbing it. It might be a little cold and wet.

Oh, it is both of those things. That's the ice cube. Nothing matters. Okay. Listen, bud, I know you've been a little bit down lately, Okay, listen, bud. I know you've been a little bit down lately, so I thought I might, you know,

help you take you back to more special times. And I grab Seb's head and I shove it into the toilet and I flush it. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Whoa, that's really good. Yeah, that was really good. Wow. Okay, Seb, leading you back to the bar, okay.

Seb, Seb, I, um, I just wonder, maybe you back to the bar. Okay. Seb, Seb. I, um, I just wonder, maybe you wanted to, like, I don't know, do something tonight. Get out. Meet people. You know, get some fresh air or something. No. Oh. Oh.

Okay. There's nothing in my heart. It's just a little black meteorite. Well, we're gonna go out, I think. But have the best night, Seb. I won't. Okay. Let us know if we can pick

you up anything. If you, like, I don't know, want, like, a pizza or something. Donut. To-go soup. A donut. Breakfast soup. Maybe just, like, a wilted bouquet of flowers or something like that. Just come back and let me know that you guys had a good time. I think that would mean the world to me.

Okay. And we'll leave Mr. Happy Sock here with you just in case you need someone to talk to. And you get lonely. Yeah, let's go. I mean, if Seb's not going to be any fun, you may as well have some fun, right? Yeah, let's go. Ladies, Seb! All right, toodles.

And as the gang goes to exit the bar, somebody comes in at double the speed. And Atra, would you mind describing your character for us? So my character's name is Urethra Jacobs. Made a name, Iyer. Mommy was a satyr, Daddy was a lizard folk. She is rough around the edges

and it's not just her scaly skin but she wears well-worn fancy hats and costume jewelry. Like her blouses were really, really

fancy at one point but now you see the pit stains and the silks and her hoof bunions poke out of her strappy wedges. Oh, I guess

I should clarify. Due to her genetic makeup she is horse on bottom, lizard on top. Before you say fawn, you should know her mom was half horse, half fawn, because her mom's mom was half human, half fawn, and her mom's dad was all horse, so the Punnett Square makeup

was like her mom was horse on bottom, horse on top, fawn on bottom, fawn on bottom. It makes sense. Age 45 in human years, which means 18 in lizard years and 167 in satyr years. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I clomped my hoof in the door there.

I think it was an automatic door, but it ain't anymore. Am I right? It's my eye! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. medic door, but it ain't anymore. Am I right? It's my little brother! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Shalise, come here, little girl. How you doing, my sweet Shalise? How are you? Are you still pronouncing it Shalise?

No, that was just a phase that I went through, but that's so sweet. You used to pronounce it Shalise? Shut up, Chip. Not the time. Y'all, this is my mom's best friend, Urethra. Urethra. Hi. Jacobs.

Nay, aye. Middle name, Onf. Middle name what? Onf. A-U-N-F. Wow. One of my mom's best friends. Some of the craziest kooky things I ever got up to in my childhood.

She was there there too. Isn't that right, Aunt Urethra? Oh, that's amazing. That's so right. That's so right, Shelly. Oh, God. I'm not going to get used to it. How do you say your name now? Chalice. Ch-what? Doesn't matter. I missed you.

I missed you too. You know, I've traveled the world so my tongue goes in all different directions. Miss Urethra, this is such an honor to meet you. Miss or Mrs., am I saying that right? Just Urethra. Oh, okay. I used to be a Mrs. He died.

That was Mr. Jacobs. But one second, let me get my drink real quick here. What is this? I don't know. I found it on the floor. That would be piss at urethra. Oh, I like the piss. There we go.

You're wild. Yeah, you're a hoot and a holler, Miss Urethra. Oh, thank you. This is Beef, Chip, Jennifer, and Seb. He's having a really rough week. Did somebody say depression? Well, we did say Seb. Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I don't know what I'm thinking. Hang on, hang on, hang on. My turquoise is jingling here. You notice I have a lot of stones on my hand. My turquoise is telling me somebody got lift. God, I hope it's not me. I think he's talking about Seb. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody he got lift. Yeah, Seb found out the love of his life is with someone else. No. No. Guilty. Seb, I'm so sorry. Come sit on my lap. Come here.

Sit on my lap. Sit on my lap. You should sit on her lap. I'm going to pick you up. Sure, yeah. You're on my lap now. It's going to be all right. Tell me about it, son.

What's going on? Um, well... Shh, everybody be quiet. Go ahead. Including me? Shh, everybody be quiet. I think we are being quiet. Am I crazy?

Is no one else talking except Sam? Yeah, I don't think we were saying anything. Maybe it's the voices in her head. Shh, I'm serious. Everybody be quiet. All right. Go ahead, Sim. I'm so confused.

Do you want me to or not? Who did you say that to? Your wife. No, no, I'm saying that to you. To me? Why would you say that to me? What the hell did I do? Get off my lap.

Ow! Oh, my God. You're so high off the ground. So, anyways, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? I need some place to go pee. And I came in. I saw Chucky Busters and I was like, well, my bladder's about to bust.

So why not just chuck myself in there and see what comes out? But look it, I found my little naysay. You didn't even know Chalice was going to be here? I had no idea. And you haven't even went to go pee yet. That's crazy. You had someone sit on your lap and you had to pee that bad. That's so crazy.

She actually drank piss too. Remember? Yeah, you actually got more piss in you now than when you came in. Isn't life funny like that? Life is funny like that. It is funny like that, isn't it? It's that time again. Oh!

Yes! Pretend you're eating some cheese. Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys. You put your hands on your knees and have an allergy while I play on these reeds. Now this one here is an absolute must.

Church your face up to the sky and scream, I'm on a bus. Now cha-cha once. Great. Now let's try it together. Pretend you're eating some cheese. Then put your hands on your knees and then get ready to scream, I'm on a bus.

Cha-cha. This is a literal, literal nightmare. We are getting good at the dance, though. Unfortunately, Aunt Urethra, we don't have a liquor license anymore, and we are strictly forbidden from serving alcohol. So I would offer you a drink, but we are sh-t out of luck.

But wait, hold up. I mean, the doors are locked and the windows are closed, so I think we could take out my beef box. Oh, God. Oh! This is a gorgeous box. I've been all around the world. I've seen a lot of boxes.

I have a box of my own. It doesn't look like this one. Wow. And you would have fit in really well at Bottoms Up. And I don't know if you make sense at Chucky Busters. Anyway, anybody want a shot? Wait, there's things inside the box? I'm sorry, did I not say that?

There's tons of alcohol in here. For my gold. And just as a reminder, all of you are aware that if you get caught drinking or selling alcohol at Chucky Buster's, you will get fined 200 gold pieces and lose your job. That is in the bylaws, and that is something that you are all hyper aware of because Mr. Tummy says it daily. What kind of a children's institution is this if it doesn't serve alcohol?

That's what we've been saying. Yeah, you're coming at kind of a dark time. We're trying to save up money to buy back the bar, but we don't have any money to buy back our bar. So now we're stuck in Chucky Buster's hell where that song plays every 30 minutes. It's terrible. Chalice?

Yes? Look it onto your eathra. Uh-huh. Look it your onto your eathra. Sure. Are you looking at her? Everyone be quiet. Nobody's talking.

It's the quietest everyone's ever been, and I can't stress that enough. Look at your Auntie Eurethra. Okay. What did I used to tell you? If you're ever strapped for money, you can always break the rules. That's right. Break the rules. What's the rule here?

No liquor? Open that box, beef. We're about. Break the rules. What's the rule here? No liquor? Open that box, beef. We're about to break a rule. So, we're going to make a speakeasy. Yeah, we're going to talk easily. No, no, no, no. I thought we weren't allowed to talk. Back in the day, Eurethra and my mom went to a speakeasy all the time.

Because my mom, you know, she was not allowed to party. She was the queen. So they used to go to this place and they used to knock three times on the door. My mom would tell me all about it. And then they would go in and then they would party. We can sell alcohol illegally. We can make an illegal bar inside of Chucky Buster's. People need a secret password to get in.

We should do it. Let's do it. Eureka, urethra. Nice, beef. Well, we can't just do it right out front of here. Why not? Or else the boss is gonna see us, so. Oh, okay. Did someone

say the boss? Mr. Tummy walks out. Oh, we have a visitor. Hello. Isn't it past closing, everyone? Shouldn't we have gotten all the guests out? It's family. It's family, so visiting hours. Yeah, remember how visiting hours allows for family.

Gorgeous. And Chalice is sort of just trying to cover up her ether because she knows that she's such a liability. Hello. Anyways. I can't say that it's good timing, you all, because I was going to try to get some really good sleep tonight. That was my plan.

Wait, do you live here too? You live here? Of course I live here. You've been living here? Since when? There's no way. We would have known it. What? I talk to you guys all the time. No. After 7 a.m. during work hours. Where's your room in here? I don't have time for all this goofing about. All I'm asking is when you guys have family over tonight, please keep it down. I'm going to be trying to get my rest. And also, I've been experimenting with ways that I don't sleepwalk. So hopefully tonight it sticks and I don't end up sleepwalking too much. Have you talked? You haven't mentioned any of this before today.

It hasn't come up. I tell you guys about this all the time. Oh my god. Are these the bells you wear on your hooves when you sleep, Bulk? Yes, that's one of the methods I'm trying out tonight. Little bells on my hooves. Oh, that's cute. Okay, good night. Good luck. Good night.

Yeah, good night. It's past closing time. You should be asleep by now. Oh my goodness, I should. And night. Yeah, good night. It's past closing time. You should be asleep by now. Oh, my goodness. I should. And he quickly goes up the stairs. Who was he? He's cute. That's our boss. That's your boss?

He's gorgeous. Yeah, we know. Okay, so if we're going to do this, we should do it in my room. Tell us. What did I tell you about telling people to do it in your room? Do it all the time. That's right, girl. That's my girl.

All right, let's get this party started. So what do we got to do? Spread the word? Do we have enough alcohol for a whole bar? Don't worry about the alcohol, guys. I know a guy. Wink. Don't worry about that.

I'll bartend. Okay. Great. Everyone needs a different job. Chip, what are you going to do? I'm the promoter. I'm going to promote this thing. Get in the ladies, get in the men. I'll get in everybody that needs to

get into this place. I'm going to spread the word. Don't you worry. Seb, do you want to help me? Seb, you need something to do? You want to help? Yeah, Seb, you could be my bartender if you want to shake some drinks like your good old days. Remember when you liked to shake some drinks? Seb, do you want to put some drinks like your good old days? Remember when you liked to shake some drinks?

Seb, do you want to put some lotion on my scales? Are we just asking Seb to do things in a nice voice? Do you want to put some lotion on your urethra scales, Seb? You know, you guys are all being really nice to me, and I appreciate it, but I think I'm just going to be, I'm going to play the piano. Never done it before, but we'll see it. Oh, okay.

And I'll be the master of ceremonies. It's called Chalices, and it's my bar, and it's going to be great. That's my girl. Oh, Chalice, can I work the door? Yes. Cool. Okay, I just got to come up with a secret thing. What should I do?

You're the performer. You'll sing while Seb plays the piano. Okay, I didn't want to brag, but I'm sorry. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Chalice. That's my crew. Okay, so then to recap, Chip, you have been put in charge of promoting. Beef, you are in charge of bartending.

Seb, you'll be tickling the keys. And Jennifer's running the door Urethra most importantly is performing and Chalice is the master of ceremonies but everybody can be at least semi successful at each of their jobs

we're not setting the bar too high you will all have an opportunity at earning some gold in this episode little coin a little cash me likey you will all have an opportunity at earning some gold in this episode. Okay. Okay. A little coin, a little cash. Me likey.

Semi-successful money dance. Okay, so I definitely want to check in with Chip and see how he's doing trying to spread the good word about this new hip speakeasy. Okay, well, this won't be that hard. Can I go to a location nearby and just tell people about it? You certainly can. Okay.

Quickest place to go. I'm just going to go across the street, and I'm going to go to Tops Down. Are there people outside of Tops Down? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, they're doing great. There's like 30 people in a line outside of Tops Down waiting to speak with the doorman, Oreo. Okay.

I'm going to try and be a little bit deceptive here. So I'm going to go to like the back of the line. Okay, great. How long have you guys been waiting this line? Like 30 minutes. 30 minutes? Holy heck. I know, dude.

It's almost not even worth it, I don't think. Yeah, yeah. I wish there was a place nearby that was really unpopular, but still had all the things that I always wished and dreamed of. You know what I mean? Yeah, you look like you belong at the place that is unpopular. And he high fives a couple of his friends. I try and sneak in there with a high five.

Whoa! What do you want? Man, I just hate waiting in line. And, you know, oh, actually, come to think of it, somebody was just telling me of a place that's unpopular, but should be popular, and it's right across the street. Roll for persuasion. Okay.

I roll a nine. Okay, man. We'll see you there. Not that I would never do that. So stupid. I start walking away, assuming that they're going to follow. And I look back to see if they've joined me. And they like look over their shoulder and see you looking back.

And then like guffaw. And then like, shh, he and then like he's looking he's looking stop uh please please follow me oh it's getting sad now i'll um i'll i'll get you a free drink i'll get you a free drink or i'll um oh desperate but roll for persuasion one more time oh 21 and you see them like give us us a second. They confer. It's like a group of three or four. Hard to tell if that fourth guy's really in the group or maybe he's going to do his own thing tonight. No one knows.

They confer. The one guy sticks his head out. Free drink, right? For each of us? Oh, for each of you. Like to share all one? Oh, what do you think each of us means yeah yeah okay um yes a free drink for each of you all right you're on chip gives them the instructions and he has now successfully convinced three maybe four people to come check out the speakeasy

can i go to like the general like market square where like a town crier would cry? Yes, definitely. Okay. People are packing up the market for the day. The sun has just gone down. It's kind of in a twilight hour. And everyone's jovially talking about how the day went, exchanging some food that's going to go bad that night,

just doing some general swaps with each other. And the market does seem to be in pretty high spirits, and there is a general excitement of what the night could hold with these 30, 40, maybe even 50 people that are out here packing up the market. Chip goes to the middle into maybe where a platform is where a town crier would stand and shout things. But he sits down and he starts crying, just absolutely sobbing. Opens his eyes, looks around. And as you look around, why don't you roll for perception? Seven perception. You see that at least one person has made eye contact with you

and then quickly averted eye contact. And this is just a public space where someone they don't know is crying and they're just going to try their best to ignore it. And that seems to be the vibe of most people in the square. Okay. I guess I'll have to step it up. Oh, man. And they didn't let me in and they're so cool.

Wah. Wah. Cool. Wah. Opens eyes, looks around. Why don't you roll for performance? Yeah. Okay.

That's a 13. Okay. After you finish saying that, it turns some heads. It seems like you are wanting other people to interact with you. You're not just kind of crying on your own. And you've got their curiosity now. What do you mean? Who turned you away?

Tops down? No. No. It's a speakeasy. It's the coolest speakeasy in town. Oh. Speakeasy. Yeah.

They said me, Chip A. Hoy, hero, liar, wouldn't be allowed. I'm not cool enough to get in. Can you believe it? Whoa. That guy's not cool enough. Do you think we could get in? I don't know. You?

Oh, my God. Yeah. Look at your pants. You just look down and you see that his pants are very ordinary. They're a little bit tattered, actually. Oh, man, that retro style fit. That for sure will get you into this speakeasy. And then you hear someone from the other side of it go,

well, is there room for all? Like, how many people? Speakeasies are small sometimes. Yeah, they're pretty exclusive. It's about as many people could fit as I see before me. I want you to roll for persuasion here with your last call to action. And when you roll this d20, it's not going to be a normal persuasion roll. Whatever the number is on your die plus your modifier is how many people you convince to come.

Oh, cool. 14 plus 2 is 16. 16 people. Nice. Bill, you going? Well, yeah, I'm going. Oh, Jim, are you going? Yeah, we are going. Let's go. We're going. We're going. Okay. I keep weeping in the circle until it clears out. And then I do a fist pump and I go, yes. And I slink away. I also think a good place to maybe promote a speakeasy is like after a wedding. Wow. So maybe go to Chop's Chapel. Chop's Chapel.

Get an after party going. Chip, why didn't you never do this for Bottoms Up? I can't hear you right now, Chalice. You're really far away. Huh. Touché. So as Chip arrives to Chop's chapel, Chop, looking an awful lot like Chip,

is finishing up a ceremony. And do you, Rosalind, take Benjamin to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. Well, then you can kiss him then. And 20 to 30 people all stand up and wipe tears from their eyes and whistle and hoot and holler as the two of them now walk arm in arm down the aisle right to where Chip is now standing.

On the fly, I start directing them towards the speakeasy. Oh, my God. I pull out little corndogs and I start using them towards the speakeasy. Oh, my God. I pull out little corndogs and I start using them like airplane things. Right this way for the reception. Right this way. Not an open bar. Oh, I thought we were going to my

parents' place. Is this a surprise? Surprise! Yes, your parents sent me to get you. Roll for deception. Okay, fine. A 17. Nice.

A 17. So they look at each other in each other's eyes and go like, oh my God, your parents are so thoughtful. This is so cool. Man, my parents never cease to surprise me or amaze me. I didn't think they would pull something cool like this. This is so exciting. Yeah, your parents don't suck as much as you thought they did.

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to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Okay, I want to check back in with the speakeasy and see how things are going there. And actually, Atra, would you mind describing what the speakeasy looks like now? There's chiffon drapery around a big found mirror. And the mirror has like crude graffiti all over it. And there's bottles of perfume and also bottles of heavily corrosive cleaner,

but they look like the same bottles. The stools are like poofy and covered in velvet and there's a beaded curtain and there's like candelabras everywhere. I love this. Also, I think Chalice's wedding dress, she's turned into a chandelier. Oh, that's at the center of the room. It's like the statement piece. Whoa. Is she hanging from a ceiling or is she on the ground? Oh, she's turned into a chandelier. Oh, that's at the center of the room. It's like the statement piece.

Whoa. Is she hanging from a ceiling or is she on the ground? Oh, she's on the ground. The dress is in the air. But it is a jump scare for sure. Okay, so now, Atra, what are you doing in this moment to prepare for your performance? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Incredible. Nice. I'm nervous. Are you guys nervous? No, baby. You shouldn't be nervous. You're going to be so good up there. I wish I could be there with you. I'm squeezing my shoulders. That feels nice. Just rubbing the shoulders out, getting the nerves out.

I remember these days, the performance days. They're long gone. Beef, come here. Sit on my lap. Easy. Done. Here. Everyone be quiet.

Chalice, please be quiet. Sorry, I was screaming. You know what, Beef? I'm so happy you're getting to experience this because Eurythra used to do this for me and my mom all the time. It really calms us down. She just has someone go and sit on her lap, and it's just so nice. And she tries to fix all your problems. It really calms us down. She just has someone go and sit on her lap, and it's just so nice.

And she tries to fix all your problems. Oh, you guys, okay. And Jennifer's standing in a little stool on the inside of the door. Jennifer, you look amazing. I love your flapper dress. Thank you. Do you like my bow? Is it too much?

Is the bow too much? No, you look amazing. Not enough, honestly. I love it. Who goes there? Hey, Jennifer. Chip? Hey, it's Chip Ahoy. Yeah, what's up?

We're doing a speakeasy thing. Yeah. Jennifer. No, no. Is that like a password or something? Yeah, say a password. Ask them if they know my full name, maiden version. Oh, yeah.

What's the maiden version? Urethra Ayer. Middle name? Onf. A-U-N-F. Onf. You may enter. Seed inversion. Urethra air. Middle name? Onf. A-U-N-F. Onf. You may enter.

And we hear a huge onf in the background. Onf. Jennifer leaps off the stool and grabs a little rope, and then she weighs it down just enough for the lock to be released, and the door creaks open. Okay, I think there's people here. Are you guys ready? Oh, my God, it's showtime.

Oh, shoot. Okay, yeah. Okay, ready as I'll ever be. All right, here we go. Yeah, just, yeah, absolutely. We're ready. Everybody good? Is everybody good?

I'm good. Are you good? Is everybody still lined up? Did everybody go home yet? Is the night done? Are we done? Not yet. Did we finish?

Okay, look alive, Jennifer. You got this. Who is it Look alive, Jennifer. You got this. Who is it? Um, hi. We're from, um, the wedding party.

So I think this is where the beginning of our reception is. Speak the password and thou shall be let in.

Jennifer, just, just let him in. Just let him in. I invited them. I have one job, Jennifer. Speak, Speak friend and enter Um

Melon I actually don't remember what Chalice! You know what, Jennifer, let me relieve you of these duties Hello, who's there? Uh, hi, we're, um With the Benjamin wedding party I've never called off a wedding Oh Who's there? Uh, hi. We're, um, with the Benjamin wedding party.

I've never called off a wedding. Oh. Anyways, let's get you in here with two shakes of a whistle and a kiss on the cheek. Just give me that password, doll. Melon. Great. Come on in. And Chalice swings the door open and ushers them in.

Okay, Chalice, that's my cue. I'm going to take five. Oh, okay. I'll take over for you for here. And Chalice slams the door between groups. Chalice hears three rapid knocks on the door, a pause, and then a fourth. Who the heck is it? Welcome to the Shalices, unless you're a bad guy,

in which case, nothing going on here. Okay, I guess the secret knock wasn't enough. We talked with this guy, depressed guy. I don't know if he's depressed, maybe just going through something. Sad guy. Oh, who, Chip? Yeah. What did he say?

Did he talk about how much he hates his girlfriend? That didn't seem to be the issue. Hmm. Is this the speakeasy? It is, and that's the password. Whispering speakeasy. Come on in. And Chalice swings the door open.

All right, fellas. Let's get in here and cause some trouble. And slam. Chip, you did good. There's like a few people here so far. Pretty cool. He's doing the beef thing where he's like wringing his hands. Really?

Who is it? Hi, we are here to party from out of town. Ready to get it on to the break it down. Is that a real voice? Mr. Tummy, is that you? Mr. Tummy?

I could be Mr. Tummy tonight. What's the password? I don't know. Is this a speakeasy? That's it. And Chalice swings the door open. Oh, come on in, gentlemen. Maybe one or two of you can take me for a spin on the dance floor later. I wish you brought a fourth friend.

Then that would really round out the numbers, huh? So do we. Oh, man, he didn't come. He didn't come. And then he shuffles. And Chalice slams the door. Welcome to Chalice's. Nice. Wow.

Hey, kids. Don't worry. There's not a human hanging from the ceiling. That's just my old wedding dress. I'm Chalice and I run this place. I own it. I'm the owner and I'm the best. I'm a business owner and I've never, ever had a failed wedding.

That was Chalice, not Chalice. Anyways, can I get you fellas a slow gin fizz? Beef goes on to the stage to introduce Eurethra. Ladies and gentlemen, what a special night it is. Thank you for coming.

Seb, is everybody talking weird or is it just me? It's just you for coming. Seb, is everybody talking weird or is it just me? It's just you, doll. It is with great pleasure and great pleasure for me to introduce the women of the hour, Jalise and her mother's friend, Maritha. Oh, wow. Wow. Welcome. Hello. Hello, wow. Wow, welcome.

Hello. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Jaleesa's. Please make yourself at home, have a drink. Chip over there, he's going to be guarding the door with Jennifer. Seb's on the keys. Seb. Hey.

Beef's going to be behind the bar. Hey. And Urethra's going to be singing here in a minute. But before we do that, a little back and forth between me and her. What do you think, Eurythra? Hello. Hello. Yes, yes. I'm cool. Get relaxed. Splish over.

Here we go. Tell us a joke, won't you? Oh, God. She's pouring sweat. Oh, no. Okay, Eurythra, what do you call a rat who... Careful.

Sorry, maybe not that one. Careful. Okay. Hit me again. No. You just slapped yourself across the face. You know what? We'll leave it at that.

Hit me again. And you know what, Eritha? Sing that song and Seb, hit it on the keys. Like milk, love spoils. Can I do a performance check to see how well I play? Yeah, but you said this is your first time playing piano. Yeah, so? Okay, roll of disadvantage.

Okay. I have to, man. All right, so I rolled a natural 20, but I got to roll it one more time. I hope it's a botch. 15. Wow. Wow. Okay, Sab starts playing a tune

that actually sounds pretty good. He's playing chords that are jazzy, and he's not really missing any notes. It's not complicated, but he just gets it. Oh my, what the? Is that an enchanted piano? No, I'm just a tortured artist! Whoa, being heartbroken must make you really good at piano.

I wish the pain would stop but the key is to keep going! He's funny too! Was that metaphorical? He said the key is to keep going like the key is to keep going? Or the keys keep going like he keeps pressing keys? I don't care. This is amazing. It sounded way more poetic than I meant it to be, all right?

None of that was worth playing. Own it, Seb. Own it. Own it. Own what? I don't own anything anymore. Own it. I'm just getting sick.

Just own it, baby. Own it. Yeah, just own it, my man. Own it. Stop saying own it. A lot of the bar's chanting own it. I'm just getting sick. Just own it, baby. Own it. Yeah, just own it, my man. Own it. Just saying own it. A lot of the bar's chanting own it. Now, Urethra, you're about to sing, is that correct? You're about to sing.

Okay, why don't you give me a performance roll here? Come on, come on. One. Oh. Wow. No. All right, here we go. All Alright, go ahead and lead me in Sip

He's been playing for 10 minutes If you could just lead me in I'm dipping, I'm doing Again, this is my first I'm going so slow right now This is different than it was in Las Vegas I think this microphone is different, just to let you know. Callus leans over to Chip and goes, I actually had no idea if she could sing or not.

I don't know why I made her do this. Why'd you make her do it? I don't know. I don't know. I could have sang something, maybe. Why are you talking weird? Sometimes. Oh, no. talking weird. Sometimes you want to

have your own. And sometimes you just have to have a ball. So the crowd gives Eurethra some applause, but they're mostly

just really worried for her because she seems very nervous. Jealous, jealous. Do you hear me? I'm seeing your name over the mic. Tell me the truth. I don't think I did very good. I think you did so. The piano player is just terrible. What the? So I want to check in with Beef behind the bar, the man with the drinks serving it up. Beef, you are getting approached by a lot of people. There's people kind of shouting orders to you. So I just want to check in mentally with beef right now. As, you know, this wave of people comes in, where's beef at mentally before his shift as a bartender?

Beef is feeling good. He's wearing a flapper dress and he has finger waved the sides of his hair because there's no hair on top, but the sides are finger waved. And he has beautiful red lipstick on. He cracks his knuckles. He cracks his neck. He wiggles his fingers and he's about to go off. Can beef throw cigarettes into everyone's mouths that are standing at the bar? He can try. I would like to do that. Give me a dexterity roll here. All right. Oh, God. Here

we go. I'm going to say in order to get into many people's mouths, it has to be over 17. Oh, my God. I got a nat 20. Let's go. God, I got a nat 20. Let's go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. So just like a master dartsmith,

he starts darting darts into the pie holes of all these customers lined up at the bar. Zip, zip, zip. What? They are unlit, though. So now they just have cigarettes in their mouths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm ready for the orders. I'm ready for orders now.

Just going to leave them unlit? All right. Yeah, they can figure out Now I'm ready for the orders. I'm ready for orders now. Just going to leave them on there? All right. Yeah, they can figure out. I mean, I don't want to force anyone to smoke, but they're going to have fun if they want. They can spit it out. Yeah. They got hands.

They can take it out. Half of them are now distracted asking each other for lights, but there's still a good amount of orders being shouted out. Yeah, let's go. A round of green ales with a lemon and a drop of dragon's blood, please. You got it, doll face.

Flaming spiced wine shots with a milk chaser. Oh, you're a silly little guy, aren't you? And, um, could I get a bottle of vampire tears uncorked with three glasses, please? Wow, I don't want to see what her dreams are like. Beef. Beef. Yeah. I need you. In this moment,

we're going to see how well Beef remembered those orders because that's a big part of bartending. Well, I... There were three aspects to each. If you get one, if you get zero aspects of one of them, then the person leaves. If you only get zero aspects of one of them, then the person leaves. If you only get one out of the three right,

they just don't pay and they leave it. Oh my God, this feels mean. This is amazing. If you get two out of three right, they pay for the drink. If you get three out of three right, they will tip generously. So what were the three orders?

And I can't roll out of this, like roll dice to get out of this all right well i'm gonna start with the vampires tears okay boom and then i'm gonna move on to the dragon's blood yep that's a part of when there's a drop of dragon's blood in one of them and um was there a goat at any point in what you were saying? There was not a goat, but I see what your brain did. In Elizabeth's defense, we have never had to listen before. Ever.

Ever. This is unfair. If I knew, I would have done a better job. Okay, tell you what. Give me a history check. If it's above 10, I'll give you some hints. Oh, thank God. It was a 19. Okay, great.

For the first drink that had a drop of dragon's blood in it, it was a round of blank ales. Green, green, green. It was green. It was green. And then, this is your last chance on the third ingredient of this one, it had a blank twist from a fruit. Penis?

Oh. Give her it. Give it to her. I got to give it to you. Because you put that in the drink, everyone likes a little penis in their drink. They're not going to be upset. Yeah, they do. A little twist in the penis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beef's getting tipped. Beef's getting tipped for that one. So, with this second one, these, yeah. Beef's getting tipped. Beef's getting tipped for that one. So with this second one, these were shots. And then also the chaser. This may have been why you thought of goat. Oh, it was milk. Correct.

Now these shots, let's say these are going to be spicy. Spicy. Wink. Hot. Yes. Hot. Milk. Hot.

Hot. Steamy Steamy They're flamed Flaming spiced wine shots How does this happen? Now for this last one All that's left to guess on this is How many glasses they asked for

Three Not four You are correct, Beef You are correct Incredible so two out of three getting tipped on nobody's leaving if you just put penis in everyone's drink and i feel like we're gonna be all set for this yep a little twist of penis i'd like to get up on the bar and i'm wearing a oversized white shirt with socks and outfit change. And I put on my sunglasses and I moonwalk across the bar.

I'd like to also kind of kick some people's drinks just because I can. Power move. I mean, it's my bar. Kicking them over? Okay, beef's drunk. Yeah. Yeah, I'm out of my mind. And right now you can hear

the faint sound of bells on hooves getting ominously closer. No, no, no, no, no, no. Mr. Tummy walks in, and why don't you roll for perception? 15. Okay, you can tell once you approach Mr. Tummy, clearly thinking the party's over and you're busted, that he is for sure sleepwalking right now.

Okay, what do we do? Oh, my God, what do we do? What sure sleepwalking right now. Okay, what do we do? Oh my God, what do we do? What do you say? What do you say? What do we do? We got to make it seem like it's a dream in here. Wait, what's going on over there? What are you guys discussing?

Seb, Seb, Seb, Seb, Seb. No, I can't go below 120 beats per minute or else my heart will explode. Seb, start playing something dreamlike. Like a lullaby. Like a lullaby. Sounds more or less like 2010 dubstep that I start playing on the piano. This is good and gentle.

This is good. Okay, anytime that's something that makes a lot of noise, I'm going to roll. And if I roll over a 10, he fully wakes up. Okay. Oh, no. Chalice is going to run over and take some of the drapes down from the ceiling and put it over the piano to muffle the sound of the up. Okay. Oh, no. Chalice is going to run over and take some of the drapes down from the ceiling and put it over the piano to muffle the sound of the piano. Okay.

I'm going to roll with disadvantage for that, which would be like a good thing in this case. You're trying to roll low. Yeah. Okay. It's a three. So the noise is dampened. You don't really hear it.

Okay. What else is being loud? Beef, can you bartend quieter? Speak up. Somebody speak up. I can't hear what we're saying. You've been telling everybody to be quiet the whole time. You be quiet. Beef, speak up.

I told you we should come here. These two are doing our free shot. Hey, everybody. New contest happening in here. Whoever's the quietest wins free drinks for a whole year. I'll pick the winner at the end of the night, but everyone has to try to win most whispery. Huh? Pretty fun.

I'm in. All right, you got to get stabbed. Oh, my God. He gets stabbed and immediately goes down. Listen up, everybody. Oh, my God. If anybody talks louder than a whisper in here, I will stab you. Oh, my God. If anybody talks louder than a whisper in here, I will stab you.

Oh, my God. Chalice, your mother's friend is insane. Yeah, I don't think I even realized. Why did you think that she could help us? I don't know. Was she always like this? Yeah, she was. I don't know.

Guys, I was seeing her through rose-colored glasses. My mom had a big soft spot for her. I don't know. I don't know. Guys, I was seeing her through rose-colored glasses. My mom had a big soft spot for her. I don't know. I don't know. Took care of that guy, didn't I? What are you guys talking about? He took care of him? He finished him off? No, no, no. He's just bleeding out. She just put him under the sheet with me at the piano.

Seb, Seb, can you save him? I would have to take my hands off the piano. I think it's cursed or it's hexed or there's some dark... Let me give it a shot. Let me try. Chip goes and he tries to yank Seb off the keys. So you want to try to keep the music going.

I thought that like similar to a white noise machine, if the music stops, maybe that would also wake up Mr. Tummy. So I want to yank Seb off and try and start playing the keys. And that way Seb can save the guy who just got stabbed. Perfect. So Chip starts playing and we start duetting. And it's like really, really sweet and nice. Pennies from heaven sort of thing.

And I then let him take the reins. And I do not fight him at that point. So why don't you both roll for performance to see how this transition goes. Yo, 18. 17. Pretty flawless. Chip scoots in. His fingers hit the keys.

They're dancing on them. You guys find a rhythm together. And Seb, there's a break for a measure naturally. And you realize that, oh, nothing happened. You're okay. And your hands aren't touching the keys. I go to the body and I use Cure Wounds as fast as I can. My eyes turn into goat eyes and then they kind of go back

and then they kind of go all the way around and then steam comes out of my ears like I just ate a hot, hot pepper. Okay, you don't do the whistle sound though, do you? The steam engine whistle? No, no, no, because my ears are clean, Mother Effer. Thank goodness. The person regains 4 HP. Hey, how you doing tonight?

I think someone just stabbed me. Hey, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Hey, calm down. It's chill, it's chill. Fly me to the moon. Oh, I love this song. If Eurethra's going to sing, can you give me another performance check to see if this blends in with the music or... Oh, I love this song. If Urethra is going to sing, can you give me another performance check

to see if this blends in with the music or... Oh, no. Oh, no. It's a 20. Oh, my God. That worked out perfectly, didn't it? And the intention here would be to try and make Mr. Tummy

fall into an even deeper sleep. This is a Sinatra. I love him. Hang on. Let me take a quick shot of some of it right here. Fly me to the moon. Let me play among the stars. What?

Let me taste the days like on Jupiter and Mars. I told you she was amazing. In other words, please be true. In other words, I love you. And on that last note, Mr. Tummy stops walking and he's just kind of wobbling back and forth, standing up, and then he starts to fall backwards. Catch him, catch him, catch him. Can Chalice run over and try to catch him?

Yes. Give me an acrobatics check. On natural 20, 17 plus 3. Whoa. Nice. Mr. Tummy tips backwards, and right before his head bounces off the floor, Chalice scoops him

up right under the armpits, and you can tell, Chalice, that he goes completely limp in your arms. So much so that he is in full little baby mode. No one gets hurt at Chalice's. And Chalice turns and drinks it over. And they all silently cheer.

Yeah, I'm amazing. Let's kick this up a notch. Anger! Twist it up inside. Chalice, get him out of here. Okay, I'm trying. Go! Can Chalice scoop him up like a baby?

Yes. Yeah, give me a strength check if you're going to carry him out of there without shaking him too much. Ew, sorry. Four, sorry. Four, sorry. Okay, so Chalice goes to take one step, her knee buckles, and she falls down on her bum,

but now she's still cradling Mr. Tummy, who gets jostled. I'm going to roll for him. Oh, my God. Oh, that's a one, which is a critical failure, but in this case, he just gets nestled right into Chalice and sleeps even harder.

Dang. All right, Chip's going to get up and go over and scoop both of them up. And I will successfully start playing again. Yes. Somebody has to be playing. And I want to put Mr. Tummy to bed. Okay. Good luck finding his room.

Give me a strength check. 19. Okay. You pick him up pretty effortlessly, and you're able to get him down the hall into his bed. Chalice is starting to doze off here, too. It's very, very soothing. Oh, is Chip carrying Chalice and Mr. Tummy?

Yeah, I'm carrying Chaliceice who's carrying Mr. Tummy. When you lay them in the bed, Chalice, do you also just kind of get a little cozy? Yeah. This is nice. Good job today, Chalice. You did such a good job. Thank you. I'm a little worried that if it gets around that the speakeasy's name is Chalice's,

we might get caught. But other than that, I think it was a super successful evening. That's a good point. I'm so happy you got to meet my mom's friend. Oh, we could talk about that tomorrow. Good night. Good night. Chalice falls asleep on his hand.

She nestles into his hand and falls asleep on it. And I guess I drop off Mr. Tummy first and I don't tuck him in. I just put him on top of the sheets, on top of the comforter. And then I put Chalice to bed and I tuck her in all nicely and give her a kiss on her little forehead. Chip goes back to the party.

Let's get ready, baby! Beef and Urethra are both shotgunning some kind of like funnel thing together. And then Seb is like playing playing crazy rock and roll style, and then I'm slamming down, and then I pour some booze on top, and then I light the piano on fire. Yeah, we f***ing rage all night long. Chalice comes in a couple hours later, like a little kid with her hand on her eye.

I want some water. Beef's playing cards with a bunch of guys, and I says to the guy, I shot her right in between the eyes. My kind of guy. I told you you guys didn't want to see me when I've been drinking. I don't know how many more of these I can have. Oh, you really mellow out when you drink. It's kind of crazy.

We should have got you started earlier. Oh, stop. Is this you blacked out? Gosh, am I so, I'm so tired right now. See, this is how I remember you. So you must have just been drunk for like most of my childhood. And this is all coming together.

Well, okay, it's getting down to the end of the night, y'all. And Eraser, I would love to know, I mean, I'm guessing maybe the free shots for everybody might have set us back a bit. But how are we doing? Did we make some money? Well, you made $200. Woo! Yay!

Okay. Eureka, Eurethra, you're the best. Can everyone roll for perception for me? 19. 2. 16. And 14. All right.

Chalice, you are the first to notice that Mr. Tummy is inside the speakeasy. The noise has just gotten so loud that you didn't even hear the bells on his hooves. He's just looking around, mouth agape. And you can also tell with a 19, this guy is not sleepwalking. He is fully awake. What is happening here? Whoa, what? Yeah, what is it?

What's happening here? What the heck, you guys? Okay. No more Mr. Nice Tummy. You know the rules. I say them almost every day. That was you being nice? No, you're fined.

200 gold pieces. And you're fired. Immediately. Beef turns to the crowd, and he's like, Yeah, you heard the man. You're all fired. It sucks. It really sucks.

Do you realize how much trouble I could get in for this? It would be my head. Mr. Tummy, hear us out. Out? Get out! I'll nip at your butts. Get out! Yeah, you better get out, everybody. Yeah, don't let him nip at your butts! Get out! Yeah, you better get out, everybody.

Yeah, don't let him nip at your butts. Move it along. Congratulations on your wedding. Thank you. Thanks for coming. This was a blast. I hope it lasts forever. Oh my God, did you three find a fourth?

Yeah, we did. His name is Run Stoppable. Cool. It is? What? Mr. Tummy, Mr. Tummy Please don't fire us We need the money so bad Listen, just take the $200

That's all we earned from tonight We're happy to pay the penalty fee But don't punish everybody If you're going to fire anyone, fire me You see, this is Urethra My mom's best friend And I sort of just did this to make her happy And to do something with her My mom used to enable my Aunt Urethra is my mom's best friend. And I sort of just did this to make her happy and to do something with her.

My mom used to enable my Aunt Eurethra all the time growing up. She had a real soft spot for her. And I don't know, doing this tonight, acting a little crazy with Eurethra, made me feel like my mom a little bit and made me connect to her. So this wasn't about getting you in trouble or the money. I'm really sorry. Don't punish us. At least don't punish my friends.

Well, Chalice, you put me between a rock and a hard place here because I'm your boss. And even if you were going to try to do something like this, you know, it's against the rules. It's fun. And you should have told me. Yes, I'm sorry. I know you would have loved to be included. You would have been the first person we would have asked to come. But I wasn't, and you guys didn't even know I lived here until today.

Hey, but Mr. Tummy, now we know. Now we know. Now we can hang. So the next time we commit some sort of crime or break some sort of rule. Or have some sort of hangout or party up here. Oh, yeah, that too. We'll leave your hair there so when the police come... No, Seb, Seb, Seb.

I'm not following. I don't listen. So this is what Mr. Tummy wants more than anything in this world is just to belong. Oh, my God. And so... It's relatable. Chaz, give me a persuasion check with advantage, knowing that.

Oh, thank God. 19. Listen, I can let bygones be bygones. And if none of the money leaves here and it gets reinvested back into Chucky Busters, I can make it look proper in the books. And the next time, just tell me. Sounds like you really care about your friends. And I'm happy to be considered amongst them.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, we're definitely not going to take the money that we earn and buy this place back, which would then put you out of a job or anything like that. Oh, good. That would be a nightmare.

Yeah. Just give me some of your hair. No, Seb, Seb. What? I'm pushing Seb's hand out. And when you look back at Mr. Tummy, you can tell that he's asleep again with his eyes open. Scary and cute.

Well, should we all walk past him and not put him in bed? Yeah. Chip, have you ever carried a him and not put him in bed? Yeah. Chip, have you ever carried a horse before? I've been drinking. I can't. You can't what? I can't drop myself home. Not again.

Not after the last one. I got you. It's okay. That's really sweet of you, Chip. Thanks, Chalice. That's nice. Sh, sh. Thanks, Chalice.

I pick her up. I put my ass in drive and I get the hell out of there. Ta-ta for now, doll. Come back when you can. Bye-bye. Crazy that I'm good at this, huh? Yeah, Seb, pretty cool that you're like a savant at something we had no idea. Oh, I'm a savant at most things. I don't think you'd technically be a savant anymore, then. Jennifer. I don't think you'd technically be a savant anymore then Jennifer

Sorry, sorry It was nice though, Seb, to see you tonight Where everyone else saw how special you are It wasn't just us That was really cool to share that feeling with an entire bar Yeah, well put You filled this place with joy You filled this place with music

Did you see everybody swinging? They were having a blast. You know, so much of all this time lately, it's just kind of people talk to me like there's something wrong with me. People feel bad for me or trying to make me feel good. But tonight I got to make other people feel good. And I got to feel a little bit normal. And I got to feel this creative flow

that I don't know if I've ever felt something like that and I hope I just get to keep on playing a little bit of piano maybe and use this as a way to just feel a little bit more normal because that's all I want these days hey Seb yeah just because you get down or someone lets you down doesn't mean that the music has to stop. You know what I mean? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And Chalice, baby, we'll always be your crazy friends that you can enable.

We love your doll face. And I love you too, beefy baby. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Talisa's never dies, forever. Woo! Chalice smashes a glass over her head. Yeah. I put on my sunglasses and I moonwalk across the bar.

I think I know what you're going for and wrong movie, but I just roll with it and I love this. I know. Because I've never seen Cocktail, but I have seen Dirty Business or whatever the hell. Yep, that's what it's called. lead man sewer and me sean coil arnie parrot wrote the theme song aaron worked out the story concept and grace harper did the editing on this one and we were joined of course by the wickedly talented

atra as do playing the role of urethra air y'all i gotta tell you right now is a great time to check out the patreon the support from our patrons is literally what makes this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroos and get access to over 50 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats! This week's episode is Sitcom Showdown Part 3 where Aaron, Waleed, Ben, and Elizabeth determine once

and for all what they think is the greatest sitcom of all time. Do they get it right? Aaron? Um, I think it's a really satisfying ending. It's a really good ending. Okay, so give it a listen this Thursday on the Patreon and find out! But that's not all. We are also releasing weekly episodes of my comic book Skylist on the Patreon.

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and then the letters D and D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings done by our very own Malik. Okay, I think that is it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. Shout out to the kitchen. Very good. Good job, baby. Good job, baby. That was a HeadGum podcast.