SitcomD&D - S3 E11: Beef's Day Out

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

The gang becomes suspicious that Beef is up to something so they decide to follow him. The discover more secrets than they bargain for while following Beef through a market. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Special Guest Star: Kennedy Baldwin Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Elizabeth Andrews Edited by: Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I look over and Lou is, I've never seen a dog so scared ever. She's backing away from the window, looking like she just saw a ghost, full like mohawk dog hair, screaming. She's not even barking. She's full, screaming. And I was like, Lou, what could this possibly be? And there's people working on the outside of our house.

And so there's a guy on a ladder right outside our window wearing his T-shirt as a hat with the biggest sunglasses you've ever seen. And I was like, oh, and he started laughing really hard. And I started laughing really hard because we're like, it makes a lot of sense that you're screaming on the top. Dogs don't understand ladders. No. We've explained it to Lou so many times and she still just doesn't get ladders. Have you shown her the videos?

So many videos. Every night. Ladder video after ladder video. You got to try the books. The books, depending on the dog. We've tried the board game we've tried shoots and ladders yeah luke gets the shoots but the ladders welcome back to sitcom dnd a real play dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, we're picking up inside Chuck E. Buster's. Y'all are just wrapping up. Just flipped that open sign to closed on the door and swept out the last of the kids and their parents. We've got Chalice, Chip, Seb,ennifer kind of congregating at the prize counter and the topic of conversation is about how beef hasn't really been hanging out with the gang on their days off and he's been gone for long stretches at a time at night and that's where we're gonna pick up right now so quiet on set sound speeding and we're rolling when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup

find sebastian chalice chip and beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant

And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. I mean, I'm not worried, per se. You know, it's not concerning to me, but I'd like to know what's going on. No, yeah, exactly. I just want to know why people keep on coming in here and asking for the Chupacabra. Like, who is that? Who are all these people?

What are these packages? I'm just, you know, I'm just, I'm here for the fact finding. I think we could be overthinking it a little bit. Let's think about what we do know. What we do know is that he lost his voice for good, his favorite thing. He can't sing anymore. And then Chucky Buster's happened in this place. Yeah, Pip-Pip.

And then Chucky Buster's happened in this place. Yeah. Oh, hell no. And Beef blamed himself for not having enough money because he spent it all on you. Yeah, sort of, you know. And your failed wedding, you know, that whole thing. Did it fail or did it soar into a new kind of relationship and thing that served us both better? What new relationship? Are you seeing someone? Yes.

Jennifer, I am. Are you? Oh my god! And I'll spell her name slowly for you. C-H Chris. It's Chris. A-L- I- Wait.

Chalice. it's me. I'm dating myself right now, Jennifer. Thank you for asking. I'm so sorry. No, no, it's going really well. Although I am an expensive date. Anyways, back to beef. Right.

He hasn't spent any of his days off here, though, and he leaves every night for hours and hours. I know, and he used to. At one point, he was coming to my night-night school and just sleeping in the hallway, but he doesn't even do that anymore. Maybe he's just going out and going for a walk or whatever. For hours on end? If Beef goes for a walk more than two blocks, I'm genuinely concerned that he's lost most of the time.

He's got to have a place that he's going. And with that, his ears must have been burning, Beef comes down the stairs into Chuckie Buster's. Do-do-do, do-do-dee, da-da-dee. He's right here.

Hey, Beefarino! What's going on? Hey guys My favorite gang Hey guys Oh man I must be tired I must be sleepy Really? Because you kind of took this entire shift off.

Jennifer. I was working. I've been working hard. I've been working all day and working all night. Man, I'm a sleepy slooper. Yeah, we were just talking about that. You're working all night. Yeah, what are you doing at night?

Oh, well, I'm doing some of this and beef kind of like break dances a little bit a little bit of that you know cool you know it doesn't matter beef i guess that's none of our business do you want to hang out now maybe go get our nails done do a classic chalice beef hang we can like talk about our feelings and how much we miss singing shooty shoot shoot I would love that chalice but what about a classic chip and beef pairing

where we go and we pick up rats and we throw them at pigeons yeah or what about like you know

if we did a classic you know Jennifer and beef and chip thing where you guys throw me at pigeons the rats of the sky. Oh, that's, uh, well, Seb?

Well, I was going to say. You don't want to hang out? Well, um, I don't know. I just, everyone else was kind of guilt-tripping you. I mean, I would love to have a classic Seb and Beef hang where we both sit in separate chairs, read quietly, and kind of hold hands as friends. Oh, lots of good options for you, Beef.

Lots of good friend things to do to maybe make yourself feel better. Yeah, don't you want to feel good with us? Hmm. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. It's that time again. Oh, meenie, miney, moe... It's that time again! Who wants to learn the...

...Church Hustlers dance? Oh my god! Pretend you're eating some cheese. Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys. You put your hands on your knees. And have an allergy while I play on these reeds Now this one here is an absolute must Turn your face up to the sky and scream

I'm on a bus Now cha-cha once Great, now let's try it together Pretend you're eating some cheese Then put your hands on your knees And then get ready to scream I'm on a bus Cha-cha

It's the worst at night, honestly. I know, it's been waking I can't get through a night of sleep. During that song could Beef slip out? Oh, and just tries to sneak out? Yeah, just be gone. While we were dancing? Yeah.

Okay, roll for stealth. Okay, that was a 14 plus four. Ooh, 18. I think an 18 beats all of your passive perception. So, Beef, you successfully slip out during the Chucky Buster song. And I took my hat with me. My patenting hat, I believe.

All right, Beef, so what are you going to... Beef? The heck? What the... There's just this cloud of dust. He right, Beef. So what are you going to... Beef? The heck? What the... There's just this cloud of dust. He turned into dust. Chalice runs to the window. And can I see if I can see Beef from the window?

Roll for perception. And he just left, so you can roll with advantage. 18. Same. You see little Beef scooting down the alleyway at a pretty quickened pace. But you do see beef moving. Okay, well, Seven Chip and Jennifer didn't see that. So we're like, oh, my God.

Beef is dust. Beef has turned into dust. It's worse than we expected. Get a jar. Get a jar. I start trying to put beef back together. Beef. Maybe the wetness from my tears. Get a chart. I start trying to put beef back together. Beef.

Maybe the wetness from my tears mold back the dust. Guys, it's okay. Beef didn't turn to dust again. I can see him walking down the street. Oh. Then who is this? I didn't think he was dust anyway. I was joking.

You guys, you know how we promise to never betray each other's trust and to always just do the honorable thing? That was hilarious. Right, I know. I think we should follow Beef. I mean, he wouldn't tell us what's going on. He did just slip out. Sneaking away? We haven't even had supper yet.

What's going on? Is he going to just skip a meal? That's not good for a growing little beef. That's the biggest red flag that we've seen thus far. Beef not eating a meal. We got to run after him. Even if it's just to give him a little bar cookie or something. We got, we got, I'm, I'm good to go.

All right, Seb, grab a bar. Let's go. Y'all pop out into the alley. You know what? We got to follow Beef, but I'm worried that he's going to see us following him. Maybe we, Seb, grab a bar. Let's go. Y'all pop out into the alley. You know what? We got to follow Beef, but I'm worried that he's going to see us following him. Maybe we should throw on some disguises, do a classic grab the disguises on the go type of move. Yes.

I got this Sharpie. Sharpie. Sharpie. Sharpie. Can I have a little French mustache? Yes. And I'm going to have deep, deep wrinkles. You look like you're in a high school production of a play

where you're playing the old person. Why? Back in my... Yeah, no, I know. It feels good. I love it. Chip, what do you want? I'm going to do unibrow because I've never had one before and I don't pluck mine. I'll do a goatee.

Jennifer, you look amazing. I'm a whole new rat. With your whole vibe, this I think works out pretty well, this goatee. Yeah, you look like you're somebody's dad. That's awesome. I'm keeping it. I think you should. Not the point of today, but maybe.

So this is all happening while you are kind of hustling towards the corner. So this is all happening while you are kind of hustling towards the corner. And as you round it, what you look at is the market square, which is this big open air market with dozens and dozens of shops. And you see pretty much anything that you would need when it comes to tools or food or ingredients, things like that. These are all being sold by different merchants in this open air market. Oh, dang. Wow. They got fresh ingredients here. If we ever get bottoms up back again, we should start buying fresh ingredients.

What do you guys think? It sounds a little lush for our blood. Yeah. Maybe a little pricey. Beef's going to run into Chalice. And I go, oh, excuse me, sir. Hey, you haven't pardoned. Oh, it's Beef.

And then I keep walking. I think that was Beef, but was Beef wearing a disguise? Wearing a crazy hat. Yeah, I don't know that hat. And Beef usually does a little fashion show for all the new clothes that he buys for me. We got to see what's going on.

Can we follow Beef to see where he's off to? If you're going to follow Beef, I assume that you all don't want to be spotted by him. It will help that there's some Sharpie on your face. That helps a little. Thank you. But not a lot, to be honest. Okay. But not a lot, to be honest. So you will need to roll for stealth if you get within earshot of beef ever. Okay?

Got it. But right now, you tell me when you're following at a distance that feels safe or you're just keeping an eye on him. And let me know if you ever want to get close enough to hear beef and I'll have to have you roll for stealth. Gotcha. Got it. Cool. Cool. Like that. So you are following Beef right now and Beef just turned into a shop and it

looks to be like a smith's, like a blacksmith's kind of tool selling merchant stand. Go listen. Go listen. Somebody go listen. Okay, hold on, hold on. I'm gonna unzip my clothes and underneath is just a barrel, so I'm gonna be

a barrel now. Is that okay? Is that okay? Is that okay? Is that okay? Is that okay? Is that alright? Actually, Ben, why don't you repeat the question? I want you to listen to yourself ask this question. He's just gonna like

it even more uh yeah i'm going to unzip my clothes like they are a onesie with a very small zipper it was not even visible to the the human eye previously i'm zipping that and underneath i become a barrel can i do? Is it like spring loaded? Basically? And it like, with a lot of force, it knocks a whole bunch of stuff over. People are like going,

do you mind elderly chap and stuff like that? Okay. Oh, can I do that? So my answer is absolutely. That happens. Not gonna make him roll for that. Oh man.

He's a piece pre-barreled okay all right he's pre-barreled i'm pre-barreled that's so funny this is world building come on because you are a person who just unzipped their clothes and a barrel popped out uh you drew a ton of attention to yourself. You will have no advantage on stealth whatsoever. So it's just going to be a straight stealth roll for you. That's so funny. Because you have to move pretty quickly here

and you're a person walking in a barrel. Hey, Sean, I got news for you. Natural 20. Doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. My God. Sab plops the barrel down inside of it, and this is what you hear.

Hello, shopkeep. How you do be doing? I be doobie doobin' just fine. How are you? Ah, good. I'm just gonna be taking one of your silver shovels and a beautiful hammer. Well, for our bargain shoppers, I could probably do both of these total five gold, five gold. Or how about no gold pieces? And Sean, I'd like to roll for intimidation. Okay, go ahead.

Oh my gosh. 16 plus seven. Whoa, so 23. Beef puts out his hand with his pinky ring on it. He says, do we have a deal? Oh, my apologies. I'm just seeing the hat now and putting it together. Your Eisenberger.

Okay. The burger. Eisenberger, the burger. Apologies. Of course. This is on the house. The burger. Eisenberger, the burger, the burger.

Of course. The burger. The burger, the burger. Apologies. Take whatever you want. It's on the house. Anytime, hey, hey, hey, anytime you come back here, of course, anything's on the house. I'm taking this stick of gum, too, while I'm here.

Pleasure doing business with you. No returns. Oh, once I use it, it won't be returnable anyway. You know what I'm saying? Was that sexual? I broke my own rule. No questions. No questions asked.

You know, I used to work here. I used to do an internship here. Yeah, we had a great internship program back in the day. What happened to it? Some knuckleheads. They screwed it all up. Let's just say that. Hasn't been an intern since.

Kids, I'm telling you. How do you mess up metal work? Am I right? You're preaching to the choir. You're preaching to the choir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a metalhead, aren't you? I am. I am. Not as much as you, apparently.

Well, have fun fucking that shovel. I'll talk to you later. Thank you, sir. And Beef jauntly walks out. Seb, what did they say? I'm in this barrel. Oh, sorry. Why am I getting such

good vibes from this barrel then I don't know No there's somebody in that barrel Wait Yeah this is my house Oh Well my friend Chalice was vibing with you Chip

Are you guys messing with me I'm always in a bad mood Oh this is an Oscar the Grouch thing Yeah I could tell it was Oscar Are you guys messing with me? I'm always in a bad mood. Oh, this is an Oscar the Grouch thing. Yeah, I could tell it was Oscar right from the get-go. Hey, this is where I work. And Chalice writes down her address. If you ever want to stop by.

Wow. Is this? Oh, wow. I am dating myself right now. It's going really, really good. But I will tell you this much. I'm an expensive date. Oh.

This is going really well and we barely know each other. Yeah, maybe we should just leave them to it. No, no, no. I'm a good friend. I'm coming. What happened? What happened? Who are you talking to? You. You. No, no, no. I'm a good friend. I'm coming. What happened? What happened? Who are you talking to? You.

You. Oh, I was the only one there. I was the only one there. Okay, yes. Beef's going to fuck a shovel? Yeah. Okay. Now it makes sense.

Beef bought like a silver hammer and some like. Oh my God. I used to work here. I interned here for some like. Oh my God, I used to work here. I interned here for a summer. Oh my God, this is the blacksmith shop I used to run. So crazy. Anyways. Anyways, yeah, yeah, anyways, anyways.

Oh, where'd Beef go? Beef, you can see Beef ziplining. What? In the air to another spot. Right there. Yeah, can we try and climb up to where the zipline started yeah roll for perception i did 10 i did 10 hey that's 20 sean so 16 16 okay so chalice you can tell that uh on the top of one of the nearby buildings you can see that it begins and there's like

a series of like kind of like scaffolding and like a way to get up there that doesn't seem like too difficult y'all we're gonna have to climb is it difficult or is it not too difficult looks impossibly hard.

All right. Oh, man. Bummer. Wait. You haven't thrown anyone up into the air this season. Oh, my God. Throw us.

Whoa. That seems almost impossible, but I guess if we have to, and I throw Sab up in the air. And you look to the side. You see Jennifer was totally prepared to be thrown. Her hands are at her sides and her eyes are closed. What the?

And she sees Seb sailing through the air. Is Seb still a barrel? Yes. Roll a strength check. A 23. Seb goes barreling through the air. And... My God.

My God. You hit the deck. And by the deck, I mean the roof of this building nearby. And the barrel explodes off of you, leaving you butt naked. But you are on top of the roof. I unzip the barely perceivable zipper on

my onesie of my naked body and underneath I'm wearing a tuxedo. So I'm... Can I do that? Are you allowing this? Absolutely. Absolutely, I am. This will not help with stealth in the slightest.

I throw Chalice. I hope lightning strikes twice here. 18. Okay. Chalice goes barreling through the air. And then, Chalice, this time I'm going to have you actually roll. It wasn't too hard of a throw, so you kind of have your bearings. Roll for acrobatics to see how this landing goes. Twelve.

You hit the roof semi-hard, and so all your clothes rip off. Seb, give me your tux. Give me your tux right now. I'm naked. No, I don't have any layers on me. I don't care. Seb, please. Okay.

All right. Okay. I'm unbuttoning. Here you go. I give my tux and my cummerbund to Chalice to wear. And so I am back to just whitey tighties. And then I pick up Jennifer and I go, alright, last one. And then I just

walk up towards the wall and I start climbing. Oh, man. I was ready this whole time to freaking soar. But okay, it's nice we get some time together. What do you want to talk about? Oh, uh, sorry. I'm busy climbing. I have to focus. I stay focused. I get it.

Chip, you make it to the top. You are all successfully at the top of the building. My clothes. How'd that happen? I have no clue. Oh, my gosh. That gust of wind. What happened?

Oh, God. I try and unzip my skin, but then I forget that that's not a thing for Chip. Ow. Oh. I pick up some barrel scraps, and I make myself an underwear. Can I forget that that's not a thing for Chip. Ow! I pick up some barrel scraps and I make myself an underwear. Can I do that? Sure. Y'all look insane. Where's Jennifer?

Don't look at me! My fur freaking popped off! Oh my god! Whoa! Yeah, it grows back pretty quick, but still embarrassing! We must have lost Beef a long time ago. Are we ever going to find him again? Well, luckily we have a zip line that'll take us directly to where his beef is.

Good point. That's right. We all take a plank of wood and put it across the zip line and zip line our way in that direction, wherever it takes us. Whee! Okay, I'm going to have everyone roll. Never mind. Acrobatics for this. Take back that wee. All right, sorry. Yeah to have everyone roll. Never mind. Acrobatics for this. Take back that wee.

All right, sorry. Yeah, take that back. A 13 for Chip. I fucking botched. Oh, no. Okay. 19 for the Seb dog. Okay.

Seb, Chip, you both make it. I'm just fine. It shouldn't be too difficult It's pretty straightforward It's designed to do this But Chalice as Roasted Absolutely roasted Chalice

Everything's kind of going pretty smoothly Except for Chalice You forget to let go at the end And dismount And so you go straight into the back of this location which is a winery and you crash in the back knocking over a case

and breaking several bottles of wine I'll take you have broken my wine! Uh, bonjour! And Charles points to her French mustache. Are you okay, bonjour?

Uh, oui, I am here to try your finest wines. I will take a case of your greatest wine, please, to go. Thank you. With a straw. Bonjour. Yes, you abide the bottles you have just broken. That was not me. You think a Frenchman is capable of such things? You think you would do something like that? Roll for deception with, like, triple disadvantage.

He saw you in this pile of broken glass and wine. 18, 15, 16, and I haven't even added. Plus five. I have plus five deception. No way. You charlatan. Oh, my God. My Lord.

Okay. Hold on. Chels is doing the six legs. She's doing the Lord. Okay. Hold on. Chalice is doing the six legs. She's doing the dance. Okay. My shop is in disarray. Sir, you were just trying to check out just that one bottle whenever you're ready to pay. Yeah, I don't think so, buddy.

I'm taking this bottle and I'm heading out. Capisce? Sir, I'm very aware who you are and your influence. However, I have a family to feed. I'm going to try to intimidate him. Sean, I'm going to do it right now. Watch me. 19 plus 7.

26. Whoa. Nah. You hear a liquid hitting the ground, and that's the piddle coming out of his pant leg because he has pissed himself. Oh. Piddle. Yeah, that's right. Sorry, Sarah. Excuse

my piddle. I'll excuse you, you are a piddle. Yeah, that's right. Sorry, sir. Excuse my piddle. I'll excuse you or piddle if you give me my chateau Bordeaux. Yes, take whatever you'd like. That's right. And be nice to that French guy over there. He seems like he's having a hard day. Bonjour. Oh, right, you.

Bonjour. He's my friend. Bonjour. You can have anything in here. Oh, right, you. Bonjour. He's my friend. Bonjour. Oh. You can have anything in here. Oh, merci, monsieur. Eh, monsieur, why are you buying wine here today? Is it for a special event, a lady, a shovel you're trying to impress before you have sex with it?

Just a little something I'm doing for myself. Is it to counteract a certain sadness in your heart? Who told you I got a sadness in my heart? Oh, no, I'm not. I'm just trying to make small talk with a fellow human, a fellow, a fellow

being. Roll for deception. No, no, no, no. Bonjour, you really remind me of somebody. 16 altogether. Beef, you are still fooled. But she's not French. She sounds amazing. She is, actually.

She's got the dankest farts, though. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but I'm starting to struggle because this conversation has been going and a little bead of sweat is coming to my nose and it's forming and it's pulling and it drips right on Beef's nose also. Oh, my God. It must be rainy. It's going to rain? Yes, monsieur. On your way.

Good to meet you. Au revoir. Oh, well, it was nice to meet you. Bonjour. Seb immediately falls as soon as he leaves, breaking another case of wine. Okay, guys, I don't think I should get too close again, because then he's gonna think

crazy French guy is following him, and then we're not gonna have any intel on what's actually going on. He kind of seemed to like you. I feel like he's very open with new friends. That's something I've noticed in Beef. So I'm just saying maybe we could potentially ingratiate ourselves as these characters with Beef and see what's going on. Have you guys noticed?

I'm watching Beef walk down the market way. and, like, everyone seems to, like, I don't know, they're reacting weird around him. They're, like, giving him a super wide berth. I go up to Beef, and I'd like to, like, get into closer contact with him. Okay. Beef is now entering a third place, and it looks to be a cheesemonger. Jesus Christ, Chip. I know, it's your dream, right? Can I borrow, like, all your money?

No, absolutely not. Just for a little! How about you borrow it from the cash register up there? Oh, good thinking. Okay, give me a minute. I pretend to shop for some cheese as I let Beef do his thing. One cheese, two cheese, three cheese, four.

What kind of cheese do I want? Bonjour. I met a man named Bonjour. Good to see you, sir. We just got a new shipment in that I think you might be pretty interested in. Absolutely. We just got a new shipment in that I think you might be pretty interested in. Absolutely, and I've got a new shipment in that I think you will be interested in. If there's anything I can get you before you get me, it's on the house. Yeah, I was thinking it should be on the house, seeing as I've been scratching your back,

so I think it's about time you'd be scratching mine. Wouldn't you say? I'd say. I'd say show me where it itches. All right. Well, right here and right here. Oh, literally. Yeah, I need my back scratched. Oh, I can help you out, actually. I can...

Actually, let me do a different voice. I can help you out. Excuse me? Hey! Yeah, I said I can help you out. I can scratch your back if that's something you're looking for. I can also carry around your cheese. If you buy some cheese, I'll carry it around, take it wherever you need to go. I don't mind helping out.

I'm not busy today. You know this guy? No, we never met. My name's Chorp. I'm Chorp. Chorp. Chorp. Chorp. Why does he always pick things that are so close to his name?

I don't know. Come on. You know, that's really funny because it kind of sounds like my buddy Chip's name, but like you're choking on it. Like, Chorp. Yeah, I guess it would if you had a friend named Chip. Is that something that you have? Oh, yeah. He's hilarious.

Is he? Yeah, he's so funny. What else? What else? Oh, man, he's really strong. Oh, yeah. Okay, roll for deception. Is this too obviously Chip at this point?

Yeah. It's pretty rough. It's not good. 17. Okay, great. Beef is absolutely deceived here. However, I rolled for Jennifer, who is now trying to steal out of the cash register.

Oh, God. Oh, God. That's your fault, 100%. That's on me. She successfully got the cash register open, but it made that cash register sound. Ding! And so the shopkeep turns around and goes,

Oh! It's a rat! Get it! And it is now bedlam inside this cheesemonger's place. I'd like Beef to stealthily leave again while the commotion is happening. Roll with advantage for stealth. Okay, 18 plus four. 22. Beef sneaks out.

So the shopkeep is kind of chasing after Jennifer now. Okay, I go and I try and grab Jennifer. I got her! I got her! Let me get her! I got her! And I try and grab Jennifer as if I'm like pounding, you know, as if I'm trying to stop Jennifer, but really I'm just catching her.

Okay. Yeah. She gets in your hand and now she's kind of being flung around and she loves it. Pretend to be dead. No, pretend to be dead. Pretend to be dead. I actually killed her. I actually killed the rat.

So it's all good. I'm Chorp. I weirdly feel the rat. So it's all good. I'm Chorp. I weirdly feel conflicted. She was very cute. And it seemed like she was intelligent enough to steal. So I'm going to close this shop. That was tough to see. Forever?

Forever. That's the final straw. You got to go to another business sale? Can I buy some cheese or something? Just leave me alone. Chalice pops her head

into the shop and goes, Chip, what is going on? Oh my God, Jennifer's dead? Yes. Yeah, this little rat's dead. I got to go. All right.

Later. Going out of business to you. I thought you said your name was Chorp. It's Chip Chorp.. It's Chip Chorp. My name's Chip Chorp. And then right in that moment, the camera pans up to the ceiling and kind of clanking in between the two of you.

And a bead of sweat is pulling on my nose. And it drips right onto the cheesemonger's head. Oh, no. It shouldn't be raining. I'm inside, kind of. He looks up. He sees you. And then he goes to jump at you.

In his high state of emotion, he trips. He knocks one of the posts that are keeping the cheesemonger tent up, and it kind of all implodes on itself. I grab some cheese and run out of there. Is Jennifer dead? You killed her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm of there. Is Jennifer dead? You killed her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry.

Jennifer's dead. Jennifer. Let's keep this going. Let's see how funny this could be. I have so much that I want to say still. She owed me so much money. And I loved her so much. Yeah.

You could also say bad things. Since Jennifer's dead, you could say bad things if you want to. I would never. I have nothing bad to say. I have to say this feels like a bad, bad, not funny joke. All right? In death, this is just a bad, bad joke. Yeah, good thing you're telling the truth because, oh, my God.

It is a good joke. Actually, it's a funny joke. Undead. It's undead. You do not joke about one of us dying. It's not a good joke. Actually, it's a funny joke. Undead. It's undead. You do not joke about one of us dying. It's not a funny joke. Hey, I'm freaking sorry. What was that?

I said I'm sorry. I hope you stub your toe. Can I just say, I thought it was really, really sweet, this stuff that you guys said. And Jennifer hugs one of each of your ankles. Oh, my God. What is that? Oh, sorry, Jennifer. Coming through, coming through, and beef one of each of your ankles. Oh my god, what is that? Sorry, Jennifer. Coming through, coming through

and Beef's on top of a donkey. What? Yes. Okay, and you see Beef kind of now exit the market on Donkey. This is weird. Does he have another family, another, you know,

another crew that he works with? There's got to be a reason for all this. Beef wouldn't just hide this from us just because. Can we locate the nearest donkeys or riding animals? Yeah, roll for perception. I rolled an 11. You didn't have to roll that high because about 15 feet away is a big sign that says donkey rentals. Hey, sir, sir, or ma'am, the runner of the store, hello. It's ma'am.

Ma'am, yes, how much for a donkey rental? Stat. Okay, don't yell at me. I've had a long day. Oh, mademoiselle, excuse my friend here, he's nothing but trouble. Can I kiss your hand?

Thank you. No, not your hand. Thank you. No, not chips. Would it be too much of an issue if we were to exchange some cash for a donkey rental today? Gorgeous. Of course, someone with manners. Yes, how about two gold pieces per donkey? Seb, you don't need to go up to the ceiling of this. I have to.

I can't. I have to complete the three. I have to do it. It doesn't make any sense. Trust me. Two gold pieces per donkey, and we're square. How about zero? How about three?

Chalice, money matters this season. Chip, pay the woman, please. She knows how to barter. Three gold pieces per donkey it is. I'm walking. I'm walking. No. I leave.

I've lost too much money this season already. I leave. I start walking towards slowly, Charlie Brown style, towards where Beef went off to. Chalice still rents three donkeys. And she's holding one next to her just in case Chip gets tired. Seb falls from the ceiling and scurries out. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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And y'all are off hot on Beef's trail, his donkey trail, as the sun is now beginning to set. What's your plan to not make it obvious that there's now the three people from the open air market on Donkey's following Beef? Oh, us have a plan. Us think things through. Hmm. through. I dig through my boxer briefs

and I pull out the sharpie and I guess we can just do new disguises. Talos is going to draw eyes on her closed eyes. It looks like she's always staring. That's good. Yeah, that's really, really good. Seb is going to draw

from the corner of both eyes and make it look like I'm a cyclops. I have one giant eye and deep, deep wrinkles. I'm an elderly cyclops. Cute. Chip is going to fill in his widow's peak slash receding hairline. That's cute.

As y'all move closer and closer to Beef's destination, you're now more in what you might call a rural area where the houses are a little bit more spread out. And this area, you can't quite put a finger on it, but it starts to look kind of familiar to y'all. Give me a history check. 20. Chalice, you know you've definitely been

here and you know you've definitely been to the abode that Beef is now dismounting his donkey, tying it up and heading around the back. Like you're having a very strong sense of deja vu and you know you've been here before. And you also know the last time you were here though it was night time. Hold on a second guys. I think I dreamed this place. Oh well let's confirm with Seb. You guys have shared dreams right?

There would be more versions of yourself, you, mirrors, things like that if it was from one of your or our dreams. I feel like we we been here before, though. Yeah, I feel like something either hilarious happened. And as you're reminiscing, you turn the corner to follow Beef around the back of this house,

and it all comes back to you why this looks so familiar. This is Beef's superfan's house that he was locked in that cage for a bit in the back, and now the superfan has been locked in that cage, and Beef is approaching it with his goods. Can we say Seb steps on a rake, it hits him in the face, and then in that moment I realize

where we are. And you fall into a bunch of cans. Oh my God, it's the super fans. Oh no. What the heck is he doing? Is he here to kill Trixie? Probably, right? Trixie? Trix right? Trixie?

Trixie? Trixie! Oh, my love. Babe. Oh. Babe, it's been like five hours. Where have you been? I'm so sorry.

I got caught up at the market getting our stuff, our supplies. Okay, do you have the cheese? I do, I do, I do, my love. There you go. Eat it, you mean. I wouldn't forget. Yeah. Beef smashes the cheese in Here you go. Eat it to me. I wouldn't forget. Beef smashes the cheese in between the grates so it falls down.

Arch, arch, arch, arch. Oh, no. I love it when she eats. I love it when you eat, honey. I like to eat for you. Hey, I have something to show you. What is it? hey i have something to show you what is that and beef rolls up his sleeve and he has a tattoo on his arm that says a heart has a heart and says trick and tricksy inside of it

are you for real yeah babe i went down to the shop and got this for us i have something to show you. I lift up my sleeve and I have a heart that says beef on it that I've carved into myself with like a stick and some bug's blood that I found in the corner. No wonder why he didn't tell us about this. This is humiliating. Should we say something?

I gotta watch for at least one more minute before we interrupt. I'll give it one more minute. Oh, babe. You're bleeding, you silly goose. No, I think it's infected or whatever. Well, how about I

since I can't sing to you no more, how about you maybe sing to me while I start digging a hole around? Digging this hole that I'm hoping, well, you know what we're doing here. The key is lost, so I have to dig this hole so that you can maybe get out one day. Yeah, I know. And I wish you'd hurry up. I'm going as fast as I can, my sweet. Look at how pathetic I look in here. You don't look...

No, you don't. Look at how pathetic I look in here. You don't look pathetic at all. See, I look pathetic. Are you disagreeing with me? No. So you think I look pathetic? Okay, I'm stepping in.

I can't do this. Yeah, that's about it. That's about a minute. You both look pathetic. Beef! What the f***, man? You're so depressed that you go see your girlfriend who lives in a hole? She's crazy.

She tried to kill you, right? She definitely locked you up i'm not crazy i'm not crazy i can't believe you brought your friends here i told i told you if you brought your fucking friends back here that i would lose it and save my little cage didn't i see that oh babe babe i don't i don't know who these freaks are i i left my friends at the bar ages ago. You don't know them? No. Then kill them. That's an escalation. Well, Beef,

it's not Chorp. It's actually Chip. I'm holding up the shovel like I'm ready. Do it. Beef, it's Chip. It's Chip. It's not Chorp. And Chalice and Seb and Jennifer, we're so sorry. We betrayed your trust. We've been following you all day because we're worried about you. Chip doesn't have a unibrow.

No, but it's fake. I try and rub it off, but it's Sharpie, so it doesn't come off. Beef, what the heck are you doing? What the heck am I doing? What the heck are you guys doing? You're trampling on into a date situation here. We wanted to make sure you were okay. You've been leaving all the time.

You've been sneaking. Just today, you escaped us when we were trying to confront you about it. This shouldn't be that shocking, right? And quite frankly, we were right to be concerned. You're seeing your stalker who lives in a hole. Oh, my God. Why are these people still breathing? They're being so crazy, right? Beep really are babe they really are babe b if you don't keep secrets from

us and it's a good reason seems to be a good reason why you weren't telling us about this you were ashamed well maybe there's maybe this season i've got a couple of secrets. A couple? What else are you not telling us? I mean one, and this is it. Okay. Okay. I mean, we all date terrible people, but at least we tell each other about it. What? Oh, my God.

What are you talking about? Sorry, who's the terrible person? Sorry, what? Yeah, who's the terrible person you're talking about, Chalice? I agree with Trixie. Who are you talking about, Chalice? Get close to the cage.. Get close to the cage. Who are you talking about, Chalice? Get close to the cage. Get close to the cage.

Okay, I will. No, thank you, Trixie. I'm getting on your side. I squirt some of the pus coming from my open wound. On to Chip? Yeah. Chip, you get pussed. Do a D4 of psychic damage.

Oh, just one. Just one. Wasn't too bad. I'm used to it. I get pussed on me all the time. Oh, just one. Just one. It wasn't too bad.

I'm used to it. I get pus on me all the time. I want to try to ask Trixie and try to get Trixie to be honest about how long this has been going on. Be careful. She just ate some cheese. Trixie, please be honest with me. I think you're great. How long have you and Beef been seeing each other?

Has it been recent? What's going on? That is such a hard question to ask Because it's almost like we've always been seeing one another It's almost like since I entered this world We've been seeing each other, right Beefy? Oh my goodness That's right, my little squish Do not put your fingers close

Do not Beef, you've been lying to us about this Since the time you guys met Do not put your fingers close. Do not. Beef, you've been lying to us about this since the time you guys met? Well, I haven't been lying to you guys. It's just no one's asked. No one's asked me, are you going to go see Trixie, the girl that was your super fan, and are you dating her? Beef, that's manipulative. That's ridiculous.

That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. That's what... And I think somebody did ask you that once. Who? When? Beef, just out of curiosity, are you still seeing Trixie, your super

fan, and going on dates with them in a hole? Jennifer, why would you ask such a question? Beef would tell us if they were doing that. Yeah, you're probably right. I'm sorry. Oh, my gosh. There's a small fire in the bar. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, we were all distracted.

There was a piss fire. One of those piss fires. Trixie, I hate to tell you this, but Beef is only dating you because he lost his voice and he's sad. And instead of talking to his friends about his emotions, this is how it's manifesting. And who's dating you? Oh, no, the answer is no.

Really good question. I'm actually dating myself right now, but I'm an expensive date. It's a no. Chalice, you're getting roasted left and right. Chalice faints. I have a question um trixie you see that beef is like well he's like family to us and before it's pretty clear you weren't gonna treat him very well has that like changed because of this dynamic i guess my question is are you taking good care of our beef? Of course I'm taking good care of him.

I mean, I sit here and I think about him all day long. Oh, don't cry, babe. No, I'm gonna cry. Don't tell me not to cry. Alright, cry. Oh my gosh. I just love you so much. All I ever do is think about what I'll do when

you finally get me out of this hole. I swear to god yeah i'll try it babe i've been shoveling faster oh no you guys you know what you should get out of here uh i'm just gonna be digging this hole uh um and uh i love her uh she loves me and i love her uh you know it's as simple as that beef i will support this relationship if you promise to stop lying to us just tell us the truth we're not gonna judge you you just need to tell us what's going on i don't know you guys i mean immediately started judging me in the moment you saw that i was dating her because it's insane that you are it's pretty wild i don't know why i keep putting my hands there oh my gosh i i gotta be honest i don't know if i can support this but i will choose to not think about it. How about that?

Well, how about this? One last thing I picked up on the way over here, babe, is a little promise ring. Really? And I wanted to give you this promise ring. Say, I promise to get you out of this hole and build that house we've been talking about. You know that house? Yes, I know the house. I want a ranch style in the countryside. A ranch style house.

Yeah. I'll build you that ranch style house and we'll have three, seven kids. 37 kids. 37. Wait, Beefy. I made something that's so funny because I made something for you while I was in here. And I pick up a worm. I pick up a worm whose guts I've taken out of it to use as a string to tie it to itself.

Oh, gosh. I made you a promise worm. That's actually really romantic. Oh, my God. Thank you. Look, the worm is tied to itself, kind of like you are dating yourself right now, Chalice. You're kind of just like that worm. Thanks.

The only time Chalice has ever successfully dated herself is when she makes references that none of us get because we're too young. Oh! I just wanted to get in on the fun. Oh my god. That was a good one. That's funny. Dallas fans. Let me get something straight. Beef, you recently said that you were

in love with a co-worker. So were you lying about that? Was that not me? Was that not me? Is it me? Was it not me? No, no. Actually, no can do, my guys. Trixie works for Chucky Busters, actually. What?

Wait, what? And do you guys really want to be treating me like this, especially when I work in accounts payable? Oh. Yeah. You're an AP? Just on your paychecks? Yeah.

Yeah, I do, hun. And I look over in the corner, and there's like a full office set up with like wi-fi and one of those like trackpads that you walk on it all right guys enough q a all right this is this is a this is my romantic time with my gal. This is my girl, all right? And this is my time. And I've been really stressed, all right? I've been doing a lot of things and working really hard.

And I just, Papa just wants a little bit of love, all right? Just a little bit of love. Is that too much to ask for, huh? No, Papa. No, Papa. No, Papa. As long as this is what you want and you feel like you're getting, you know, equal treatment and support out of this relationship,

then, yeah, as your friend, we gotta support that. Just don't lie to us, all right? Okay. Group hug? Group hug. And a promise that B feels stop lying to us? I want my friend back. Yeah. that, Beef, you'll stop lying to us. I want my friend back. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll stop lying. What? Okay. It just kind of seemed like you were about to say something more. That's fine. And a group hug, Beef. All right, Beef, we love you.

Enjoy the rest of your day. We'll see you back at Chucky Buster's. All right, guys. Don't you feel a little silly that you thought I was up to no good? Yeah, we feel that. Yeah, I guess we do. Bye, Beef. Love you. Bye, Beef. Bye, Beef. Never lie to us again.

Say bye to my girlfriend. Jeez Louise, guys. Bye, Trixie. Bye, Trixie. I'm actually good. Don't let the bed bugs bite too hard. Unless you do that kind of thing. Oh, my God. I get you, girl. That one's funny.

Beef, let's have sex through the bars again. Finally. Geez louise. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, let's do it. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, let's do it.

Y'all, I wish I had a boyfriend in a hole. Yeah, we can tell. Maybe that Oscar the Crouch guy will come by the bar sometime. Yeah, he was basically in a hole. Yeah, he was cute. I don't know if I'm ready to start dating again because I'm already currently dating myself.

And are they expensive date? I'm an expensive date. Oh, sorry. I just walked in. I don't know if y'all remember me. I'm Kerchak. Just kind of walked in,

heard that hilarious joke. But I'm an old friend of Beef's. In fact, we grew up together as part of the pig family. Oh, right. How are you? Oh, hi. I'm good. I keep coming by here to try and catch Beef and catch up.

But he seems to be a tough little guy to get a hold of, you're telling us. Yeah, we followed him today, and he was all over town, not paying for a thing. Pretty cool. Yeah, intimidating. Interesting. But turns out he was just seeing his secret girlfriend in a hole, but he'll be around. We'll tell

him he stopped by. That sounds more like beef. Okay, I just had a weird thought. Okay, well, I should probably get back to it. These Bazinga criminals aren't going to put themselves away. So, we'll see ya. Heads out. Maybe we should ask him what Bazinga is.

But... I'm a sleepy. Goodnight! Goodnight! goodnight goodnight hey man Hey, man. Sorry about earlier today. I had a feeling I was being followed. Turned out it was my friends, my goofy-ass friends, following me. Luckily, I knew what to do.

ass friends following me. Luckily, I had a... I knew what to do. Took them, uh, gave them a little surprise of their own that I'm dating a co-worker. I don't really need to get into your personal life, I'd actually rather we just kept this surface level.

Yeah, of course, of course. Well, um, I have a big shipment coming in for you, uh, and right now it's coming in right now. Well, I have a big shipment coming in for you right now. It's coming in right now. Well, let me get a taste, as promised. Make sure that I know the product's good. He takes a small dagger, rips the package open a little bit of Bazinga,

takes a little corner off of one of the little gum bars, and puts it to his tongue. Ooh, bazinga. That's good stuff. It's pure. All right. That's right. All right. Keep these shipments coming like this,

and we'll be the richest men in Frasier. That's right. I gotta tell you, this might be one of my last couple of shipments here. What? Well, I promised my friends I'd stop lying to them and- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. When you're in, you're in.

You're part of the system now. People depend on you. Really depend. You can't do take-backsies? No, you can't do take-backsies. So we'll see you here next week, same time, same place. You can't do take backsies? No, you can't do take backsies. So we'll see you here next week, same time, same place. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs briggs aaron keith waleed mansour and me sean coyle arnie parrot wrote the theme song elizabeth and i wrote the story concept and sean marg did the editing on this one and we got a cameo from the wickedly talented kennedy baldwin for prizing the role of tricksy y'all i tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroos

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in regards to their impending fatherhood. I am excited to listen to this. We are also releasing weekly episodes of my comic book Skyless on the Patreon. I am so proud of this project and the sci-fi fantasy coming of age story that we're telling. And if for nothing else, I think it is definitely worth checking out Chris Kirk's incredible artwork below. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D-N-D.

This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by Waleed. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. Yeah, baby! That was a HeadGum Podcast.