SitcomD&D - S3 E12: Comment Box 3

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

It’s everyone’s favorite part of the season! It’s time for the gang to read comments and relive some of their favorite moments from the past.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Grace Harper    Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm   Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Has anybody ever filled out a comment card at a restaurant? Yeah. Do people still do comment cards with like Yelp and technology now? I feel like at fancy establishments they do, but they definitely used to. Elizabeth, where did you fill it out for? It was for five guys, burgers and fries. The leader's like, only the fanciest, finest establishment.

Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up inside Chucky Buster's, you guessed it, and today's kind of a special day. The gang doesn't really realize it yet, maybe doesn't remember why it's a special day, but they're about to find out because Mr. Tummy is on his way to make an announcement. He's actually getting everyone's attention right now. So we're gonna pick up there, quiet on

set, sound speeding, and we're rolling! Dice! Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up as step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end.

So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Okay, everyone, your attention, your attention before we open, before we open for the day. Stop hitting yourself, Chip. Stop hitting yourself Your attention before we open. Before we open for the day.

Stop hitting yourself, Chip. Stop hitting yourself. Who am I? Oh, your attention, please. Before we open. Give me one second. One second. Oh, I know this. You're me.

You're being me. You're him. Good job, Sam. No, I got it first. Can we use the bathroom? No. Not until my speech is done. You're going to wish you hadn't said that.

Yeah. I really have to go. When Chip has to go, he really really... He waits till the last possible second. I'm training my bladder! For what? It's part of night-night school. You gotta be able to stand there for eight hours straight without moving. Oh. Yeah, like a true night.

Like a true night. Okay. What? Yeah, what? Just let me get through this and then you. Like a true night. Okay. What? Yeah, what? Just let me get through this, and then you can go to the bathroom. Yes. I don't know if y'all know this, but today is Hump Day, the holiday for lovers. Did you all not realize that? Oh, yeah. Happy Hump Day, everybody.

Oh, have we celebrated Hump Day before? I don't remember. Is this just a child entertainment venue holiday or something? Whoa, Chip. Hump Day is not for kids. Well, you're bringing it up here at Chucky Busters. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm bringing it up.

Wait, Chip. You have had girlfriends or whatever, and you've never celebrated Hump Day? Did you not even send Alberta a Hump Day gift this year? Oh, my God. I'm supposed to send her something? Ooh. Oh, no. Welcome to the dog house, fellas. Oh, my God. I'm supposed to send her something? Ooh. Oh, no. Welcome to the dog house, fellas.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Oh, I got to piss so bad. Beef, what'd you get Trixie for Humpty? I got her some toilet paper. She really needed it. Oh, nice. Gross.

Let's keep personal stuff during personal hours. I called your attention before we opened because, of course, Chucky Busters has a special where you can drop your kid off all day while you and your significant other celebrate hump day. Oh. Oh. Who's going to watch these kids? We are. Oh, you're going to help? No, no.

I have to. Please don't say we then. Do managerial things. Oh, you have hump day plans. Oh, yeah. Yes, you have hump day plans. Oh, yeah. Yes, I have hump day plans. Ooh, Mr. Tummy, who you gonna say? Yeah, who you

hump, hump, humperoo with. Yeah. Okay. Well, listen, you all. I actually follow the rules, and I don't talk about my personal affairs during work hours. Boo. If you'd like to find out who my hump day date is, you can take me up on one of my hundreds of options to hang out outside of work. Oh, well, we actually don't make friendship plans in work hours, so sorry.

Yeah, it's a little bit personal. Touche. Well, I better be off to it. And with that, I will unlock the door here and open it up. And a huge avalanche of screaming kids and their hump day boxes come streaming into Chucky Busters. There's too many kids! Oh, no! I'm drowning in kids! Oh, my God! What is a hump day box?

A hump day box is a box that one would put hump day cards into. And so typically kids will make them out of materials that they find around the house and make it look really pretty and fun and then hope that they get hump day cards and candy from their friends and maybe people they have crushes on around town. Now I'm kind of jealous. I want a hump day box. Yeah, I'm making one. I'm making one.

And can I roll for box-shaped things in the bar for perception? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 17. Okay, great. You see some of the things that hold like some of the cheaper prizes are already like 85% of the way to being at just a full-blown box. Chalice goes over, grabs one, quickly writes her name on it, and draws a little heart, and then kisses it so her lipstick stain is on it.

Give me attention! Who wants to shower me with cards and candy? And it's just chaos out there with the kids. They're all throwing candy back and forth, putting their humped egg cards in each other's boxes and screaming. And it's hard to get their attention at all right now. It's kind of just chaos. Oh my God, I can't even hear myself think.

There's so many of them. And is Chow still the one who makes a hump day box? But that's totally fine. I don't feel the need to. I have a loved one and I don't feel like getting hump day cards or candy from anybody else would be kosher, personally. That's just me, though. Yeah, and kind of where I'm at in my life, the worst thing that could happen to me right now is making one and getting nothing.

An empty box. An empty box. Yeah, Trixie said the next time she sees me, I better have a full mustache. She wants me to grow a beard, and that's going to be a while, so I can't. I don't need to do this. I wonder how that's related to why you don't want a hump day box. Well, now I'm the only adult with one of these, and I feel like an idiot. Well, your box isn't completely empty, Chalice. Take a look.

Oh, Jennifer, you're inside my box. I love you. I love you, too. Excuse me, adults, adults. Uh, Jennifer, you're inside my box. I love you. I love you, too. Excuse me, adults, adults. Uh, yes, child. Can we open our hump day boxes now? I don't give a shit. Go ahead.

He said we could open them. I said I don't give a shit. Okay, um, I just heard from Alex that you said that we could open our hump day boxes. Is that true? Oh, my gosh. Does anybody give a shit? I don't give a shit. Yeah, just do it.

He said that it's true. Quit talking about it. Um, Alex and Christina said that we could open our Humpty boxes, but I wanted to make sure that they weren't lying because last time they opened them way too early. You're right. You can't. What? You can't. Everybody else can. That's what you get for asking

a third time. Attention, everyone. He can't. Everyone else can. Yeah, kid, what's your name? Carlton. Carlton, you will not open that box. I know. Not today.

Not tomorrow. Not ever. Not ever. Nope. Here's a shovel. Now go bury it out front. I'm counting to 10. Go.

Go. Immediate child abuse. Almost instantaneous. You see Carlton digging out front. And the rest of the kids are opening up their hump day boxes, getting out their hump day candy. And it goes from a 10 to a 13. Because now a lot of their treats and their sugary eats are being ingested.

And the energy is going through the roof. And the candy, after a couple minutes, runs out and the sweets run out a little bit sooner than expected. And the kids aren't exactly satisfied yet. And a gleam comes into all their eyes and they are on the hunt for more sweets. And one kid bursts onto the scene, stands on one of the tables, and says, Look what I found!

The ultimate hump day box! And you recognize it immediately as the comment box. Oh. Oh my god, there's probably so much candy in there! They're screaming. They're going nuts. They're all clawing for it. And then the comment box. Oh. Oh my God, there's probably so much candy in there. They're screaming. They're going nuts. They're all clawing for it.

And then a comment box is lost in a sea of children. Oh my God. It's like the perfect storm all over again. Chip, do something. Those comments

aren't old comments. They're from Bottoms Up. This isn't even Bottoms Up anymore. They don't even count. Yeah, they're the last thing we have from Bottoms Up. You're just going to

let them destroy it? Chip, do something. Come on, Chip. You're right. That might be the last remnants of this place because there's no way we're going to raise 2,000 gold pieces and I start pushing kids over and I start running after the box.

Give me the box. I don't know if these kids must have either just brute strength or magical powers or a special key, but the comment box in the dog pile of children, when you get to it and rip them off, it has been opened and dozens of kids have strewn comments all about the place trying to dig for candy. There's no freaking candy in here. It's just a bunch of words. What did you do?

What did you do? Those are our memories. That was our past. Sometimes words are sweet like candy. And that's from someone who can't even read. Yeah, you ever heard of a poem, idiot? Idiot! And Chalice is trying to gather as many as she can

in her hand. And as that's happening, you hear like a little ding-a-ling-a-ling outside. And the mailman, sometimes on his days off, will moonlight as the ice cream man. Ice cream's here, ice cream's here. We've all got some ice cream here. Ice cream's here, so have no fear. You can get your ice cream here. He's pushing his ice cream cart down the road outside,

and a tidal wave of kids runs out screaming after him, picks him up in the tidal wave, and moves out of sight. Chalice grabs the back of Beef's shirt collar, because she knows that he's going to start running with them. His little legs are running. Yeah. To get ahead of it, she's just going to pick him up. Oh, I want the fudgy bar. Fudgy bar.

You've had enough fudgy bars this week, Beef. Your mouth is still stained from them. Guys, this is our last remnant of the past. We should pick these up and put them back. You're right. You're right. We start collecting them and putting them into the comic box. That was crazy.

Didn't that feel like 12 seconds to you guys? Yeah. That was really quick. That was nuts. Oh, Carlton's still out there. Hey, Carlton. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going as fast as I can.

Go faster then. Love that kid. Just so sweet. Well, let's read some of these comments, I think. Maybe make us feel a little bit closer to Bonnet. Yeah. Nice and nostalgic for the past of the things that used to be good about this place. Yeah.

Why don't you all give me a roll to see what order you're reading comments in. Fun. Initiative style? Yeah, roll for initiative. 14. Also 14. Also 14. Also 20. Also 1.

All right. Okay, here is the first one. The staff were fine, but my food got up from the plate and tried to fight back. Don't look at me. Oh, actually, you should look at me. Oh, actually, you should look at me. Madame and monsieur, madame mayor, thank you for coming in tonight to Bottoms Up.

Thank you for having me, yes. Yes, and your first course has arrived. Okay, thank you so much. It is a cooked... Oh, Chels, I'm not finished yet. I forgot to put the food here. I'm here. I'm your chef. Jennifer, you're seasoned right now,

and there's an apple in your mouth. A seasoned chef. I'm here. What? I'm your chef. Jennifer, you're seasoned right now, and there's an apple in your mouth. A seasoned chef. That's right. I'm also a little bit seasoned. Oh, you look quite delicious. I take out my fork and knife, and I start approaching your face. Oh, hell no! I poke you with a fork. It's on! I'm coming for your ass. I'm coming for your ass.

I'll spend 30 minutes in combat with your ass. I don't give a shit. That was the night Jennifer almost killed the mayor. A lot of combat. Oh, yeah. That guy was the mayor. And it was almost, right, Jennifer? Yeah. Also, I want to point out that he said his food tried to fight back.

I definitely fought back. That's super, super patronizing. All right, well, I'll read one. Here we go. The valet took my car for a joyride. Huh. No stars or anything on this one. Oh, Chip, I think I remember this one when we Ferris Bueller date off. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, man. We'll take good care of her while you're in there eating, drinking, and pissing and farting. All right? Yeah, well, she is new, so make sure that you are careful. And how do you know her?

Is she like your daughter, your wife, or something? Hi. Yeah, sorry. I can introduce myself. I am Jeff's new car. So nice to... It's my first day. I'm nervous.

I'm nervous. I'm nervous. I'm nervous. Oh, don't be nervous. You're doing a great job. We'll treat you nice. We'll treat you nice and kind. Don't worry. Yeah.

Yeah. If you could just park me over there. Just over there. All right. See you in a minute, Jeff. Have fun. All right. Thank you.

See you, Jeff. Beef, get on. Hey, guys, I got a bunch of sunglasses. We ready to go? Yeah, we're going to the museum. Am I supposed to drive other... You know what? Why not?

We might get stuck in a parade on the way, though. Is that okay? I'm all right with that. Yeah, as long as you guys don't mind me singing on a float. Vroom, vroom. Let's go. Hey, bow, bow. Oh, chicka, chicka.

Cut to Seb singing on a float. Love me, baby. That's our friend. That's our friend. That's our friend up there. Holy, we crashed the car. Oh, God, what do we do? My ankle.

Oh, no, her ankle, her ankle, her ankle. Should we just, you know, end her to stop the pain? Well, call a tow person. No, we're going to get caught. We got to hide her in the woods or something. We're going to have to bury her in the woods. What the call a tow person. No, we're going to get caught. We're going to hide her in the woods or something. Yeah. We're going to have to bury her

in the woods. What the? No, no, no. I'm really sorry about this. Wait, you guys did a whole adventure without me? Yeah, sorry about that. We'll take you on the next one.

Yeah. Hey, thanks. What ended up happening to that car? It got married. That car got married? To Jeff. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. That's such a happy ending. Well, they're not happy together, but they are married. That car got married? To Jeff. Oh my goodness, that's such a happy ending. Well, they're not happy together, but they are married. Okay, so I'm unfolding this comment card, and it says, the waitress tried to sleep with my mom, but the food left something to be desired. Oh, wow. That could be one of a number of instances. Hey, I'm Chalice. I'll be your server. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. I've never seen someone

so beautiful. Two sisters having a dinner together? Yeah, we're sisters. Not a mother and daughter, huh? Nope. Cool. Excuse me. I was actually sitting right there. What? You must be their other sister.

Oh, yeah. She is. I'm so sorry. She is the strange one. These are my girls. You're so beautiful You must be a fourth sister Yep, that's my oldest gal

That's right Hi Hello Oh my goodness You are gorgeous You must be the fifth sister Sisters? Sisters?

Sisters So none of you is a mom? That's amazing Five sisters Wait, why are you looking for a mom? That's amazing. Five sisters. Wait, why are you looking for a mom? No, I just am dying to meet the person that gave birth to the most five beautiful women I've ever seen. Why? What do you want to do with her?

Yeah, what are you trying to do to our mom? Nothing. Because everyone always wants to have sex with our mom when they see her. Oh, no, no, no. Do you want to have sex with our mom? Ew. No. So typical. I wish we could go to one establishment. Do you want to have sex with our mom? Ew. No. So typical.

I wish we could go to one establishment where someone wasn't trying to sleep with our mom. I don't want to have sex with her. I just want to see how beautiful she is and maybe try to get a really consensual kiss or something. Is there a comment card? We're writing a comment. I don't like thinking about that memory.

That was really embarrassing. I was, though. I was trying to have sex with her mom, for sure. You were? Okay. Yeah. Even though you hadn't I was trying to have sex with their mom, for sure. You were, okay. Yeah. Even though you hadn't even met her or seen her or knew she existed?

Yeah. When you have five kids that are that attractive, you just... I get it. Sometimes you just know. And she definitely would have been in, like, her 90s

because they were all pretty elderly. Aren't you almost in your 90s? Chip, I mean, ignore that. Okay, okay, guys. I've been... I want to show off what I've been learning at night-night school. Oh, Beavs can read! Yay!

I grab a piece of paper. I miss my wife. Two out of ten stars. The piss was good. Hmm. Who could that have been? Did we have a hand in their wife's disappearance? Guys, this candlestick is kind of loose on the wall.

Hey, lady, can you come and pull this candlestick? I just want to see something really quick. Ma'am, you, get over here. Me? Yeah, yeah, sorry to bother you. Can you just come over and see this, like, candle that's hanging on the wall? Can you just pull down on it? Okay, I'm not qualified, but

what? Oh, yeah, the wall turned around. She flipped into some sort of trap door. It's a bottomless pit and I'm just falling forever. Whoa, that's cool. Whoa, where did my wife go? Bathroom. What wife? Who wife? Bathroom what wife? What wife in

the bathroom are you talking about? Yeah, there's lots of wives in bathrooms, sicko. We all got wives in bathrooms, you sicko. What? No, I just, I came back with drinks from me and my wife. She was just standing here a minute ago. Oh, you're trying to bring your drinks to the bathroom, sicko? Chip, throw this guy out of here.

Yeah, I got him. I got him. Wow, yeah. I was worried that was going to be me. Did you ride a similar car? Well, you know, my wife was missing, so. Yeah, was, I guess, is the operative word at this point, right? Too soon.

Yeah, not ready yet. No? Not ready yet. It's been a bit, right? No, still not? We'll try again in an hour. We'll try again. Okay, I'll try again.

I'll try again. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I

would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your

social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Dot com slash sitcom D&D. All right, everyone shut up. I'm going to read one. I'm unfolding it. Yeah. This one says, they asked me to leave, but asked me to fill out a comment card before I left.

Sweet of us, I guess. Yeah, I guess we like to get people's opinions and make sure we're taking them into consideration and whatnot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dude. You got to get out of here. Well, I feel like me and the server were actually really hitting it off, really connecting. And that's, you know, that's what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I'm talking about. All right.

What do you mean? That's against the rules? Yeah. Have you seen all the rules in this place? No, because you're pushing me out. You can't sleep with the coworkers. You can't fall in love. That's one of the rules. Yeah, I wasn't trying to sleep with anyone i was just having a

conversation oh i think we all noticed what was going on he's pushing me out i it was really nice meeting you do fill out your comment card leave your number something no you don't have well okay yeah fill it out but don't leave your number make sure it's fake don't leave my number make sure it's fake yeah make sure it's fake i mean write a fake number she's you don't even wanna with her because she's let me tell i got stories about her okay well yeah keep telling me because i'm writing down hey it was really lovely meeting you i feel like this was a really strong connection i don't have all the time. And you're writing this now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I kind of talk when I write. Sicko.

What, dude? Come on. And if you ever want to come find me, I live at 304 Westwood Lane. Are you talking to me now? No, man. You were saying? I don't know, maybe.

I mean, you are pretty cute, actually. You think so? Yeah, I mean, you got a nice smile, and you have this charisma about you. I guess I get what she saw in you. What about me? What do you think of me? I think you're an asshole.

Yeah, yeah, but like physically. Okay. You look like... Right in that moment, a stick of butter hits Chip in the side of the head. It's butter night, Chip! Come on, Nick! We're having a butter night!

Oh, sorry. Hold that thought. It's butter night. Chip! Come on, Jack! We're having a butter night! Oh, sorry. Hold that thought. It's butter night. You got to get out of here. Write this comment card. Oh, my God. I love butter night. That's my favorite night because I put butter all over my body and I get naked and I roll

around on the ground and bark like a dog. It's so nice. And on butter night, we would have baked potatoes, all the dressings. Oh, my goodness. Y'all, this is making me miss Bottoms Up so much. This is really hard. I know. I'm sad. Yeah, me too. I'll read another one.

Maybe make us feel a little bit better. Zip zap, zambity doo, if you read this comment card, I curse you. Huh? Oh, no. Oh, no. The comment card disintegrates in your hand. What? Oh, f***. What? Oh, no. The comment card disintegrates in your hand. What? Oh, f***. What?

Oh, no. Chip, your ponytail disintegrates. No! That you had just grown back from the end of season two. No! What did I do to deserve that? And then a ponytail sprouts from your chin. No.

No. Oh, it's a beard. It looks good though, right? Oh my God. This actually looks really good. A little ponytail sticking out of my chin looks good. Yeah. When you're holding onto your hairline for dear life and like growing out that ponytail,

you don't look like you. And with your short hair, I don't know. You look nice. Yeah. Oh, thanks. And Chip doesn't know this yet, but part of the curse is that any time that he specifically eats a penis, it will taste to Chip like a ponytail.

Oh, okay. But I don't know about that yet. You don't know about that yet. Okay. Oh, hey, Chip, I made a bunch of penis bread. Do you want a slice? Oh, God. You know what? I still actually have to go to the bathroom, so I will have a slice right after I go pee. Oh, okay. All right I made a bunch of penis bread. Do you want a slice? Oh, God. You know what?

I still actually have to go to the bathroom, so I will have a slice right after I go pee. Oh, okay. All right, all right, all right. Who cursed me? Who cursed me? Dude, I don't know. It could have been anybody.

A lot of people come through this place. How are we going to know? And the car disintegrated? There's no way to know. There's no way? It's not even worth flashing back? Yeah, we tried to flash back, man, but there was nothing there.

What? Yeah, watch. I mean, we'll flash back right now. No, there's nothing there. What the heck? I know, right? Weird. Yeah.

I got one. I have a feeling that that wasn't meant for me. I'm going to be honest. I think that that curse was meant for somebody else, and I just happened to read it. Like who? I'm not pointing fingers, but I'm going to be honest. I think that that curse was meant for somebody else, and I just happened to read it. Like who? I'm not pointing fingers, but I'm going to point my finger at you, Beef. All right, hairy chin.

Nice. Yeah. Yeah, really good. That was nice. Next comment. I'll have what I'm having. Best continental breakfast ever. 12 out of 10. The staff mentioned I've been here forever? Question mark?

I think I wrote that one, if I recall. Oh! Oh! Oh! Sorry to scare you guys. No, it's just that you're kind of all, I don't know, the best word to say. Skeleton. Yeah, deceased.

Mostly bones. Has a thin, very thin layer of skin over it, if you notice. We can see what you ate through your bones. Couple penises. Yeah. Beef has played you like a xylophone a lot in the shows. Man, do you have a memory before this place? Well, let's find out.

Playing the xylophone on some bones. Playing the xylophone. Ho! Yes! All right, guys, we're going to be taking a break because this is an actual human being I'm playing on. Speaking of taking a break, I think my ribs might be broken. Whoa! And he winks at beef.

It's all part of the act. So you asked me if I have any memories before this place. Did that answer your question? No. Because I don't know if you all are interested in the logistics of this, but... I am. I'm kind of in a situation where every day I wake up and it's the same day over and over again. So it's been thousands of years for me, but to you... But which day? Well, to me, it's the same day over and over again. So, it's been thousands of years for me, but

to you... But which day? Well, to me, it's always today. What about the xylophone memory? That happened at like 4 a.m. But that's weird, because I can't sing right now. And in that memory, I was singing. Wait, have I just been reenacting

my same day over and over again? Yeah. Yeah, you're super old, man. You haven't been Groundhog Day. You've just been actively doing the same things every day. Is everybody else also doing the same thing every day? No, that's what's so weird about it.

Oh, no, dude. Yeah, man. That's actually the saddest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. We got to get you outside. You need to go, like, take a mental health walk or something. As soon as I step outside, my whole day will start over, I promise you. Try it.

Yeah, just try it. All right. And I walk out, and flash of light. Oh, my God. What? No way. I don't know what that means even. Anyways, Seth, you got a comment?

Let's see. Let's see. The staff's uniforms made my dog sick. Hey, everybody, come quick. Beef has made a new laundry detergent Oh wow Yeah I've been mixing some liquids And some piss And seeing what I can do

As soon as you said liquids we knew what you meant Yeah you knew Yeah yeah yeah If you put your clothes in here Then you come out yellow Pretty cool Yeah clean I mean we may as well try it you know we all have closets filled with the same outfit over and over again so i guess

we could just make one of those yellow yeah i don't mind i could go for a yellow one all right and putting it in washing it mixing it up wow and then you take this big, heavy stick. Smells a little... Hands are burning a little bit. Yeah, be careful. Just use the stick to stir, because if you use your hands, they'll disintegrate. I put my hands in there already. Wait, me too. How much longer do we have?

My hands are getting smaller. They're shrinking. I don't know. Wipe it on something. Wipe it on anything. I wipe it on beef. No, like fur or... Don't wipe your hands on my dog.

Beef's wiping his whole body on his dog. I'm wiping my hands all over that dog. And Chalice is coughing all over it. My hands are rapidly getting smaller and smaller. Sorry, sir. We don't have napkins or towels in this place, so this dog will do. And I got baby hands.

I mean, to be fair, that dog sucked. Yeah. Yeah. Right? For sure. I don't know. I feel like it had its moments. Like, it'd go to the bar, order, like, a martini and quip and, like, do, like, a crooner voice.

I don't, I guess I don't really get that, you know? Yeah. Everybody kind of liked that dog a bunch and stopped paying attention to the four of us. That's a good point. It feels like upstaging. You know what I mean? It felt like upstaging. I don't like when anything comes in here with too cute of eyes. Yes.

If you got big, watery eyes, I don't think there's a place for you in this bar. Yeah. And you know what, Beef? That was a great invention. That was one of your best. Yeah. I basically made it in atomic a place for you in this bar. Yeah. And you know what, Beef? That was a great invention. That was one of your best. Yeah, I basically made an atomic acid, but, you know, that's pretty cool. And that dog never once played basketball,

and that really pissed me off. Yeah. I'm glad my hands are back to normal, though. I'm not. Oh, man. This next one's a good memory. Oh. I accidentally fell asleep at my table after an exhausting day at work and i somehow woke up halfway across the continent it took me six months to make it back home i'm in financial ruin and my wife left me this place ruined my life.

A little whiny. Okay, you guys, this guy, he fell asleep at the bar. We gotta prank him. Yeah, okay. Get a bowl of water. No, no, get a big, get a big box. Get a big, huge crate. Oh, yes. Oh, okay. Oh, yes, yes. And then put a label on it that says something like, really far away.

Niles. Like Niles. Like Niles. Yeah, like Niles. No, no, further, further. The Prickett Desert. Oh, Prickett Desert. In the middle of the desert?

In the middle of the desert. Oh, and then, and then. This is not. Beef, what if you marry his wife? Easy. Easy. Yes. Yeah, you'll have plenty of time.

This will probably take months for him to get back. So you can really slow play it. Oh, yeah. And then when he does get back, let's pretend he's never been here. We don't even know. We don't even know. Wait, let's physically move the bar one plot down. So he comes back and it's just gone. Oh my God, awake.

Okay, on three, you want to do like one of those to this guy's? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One, two, three, ruin this guy's life. Ruin this guy's life, okay. As a prank. Yeah, as a prank. Ruin the guy's life or this guy's life? The guy's life or this guy's life?

The guy's life. Whose life are you ruining? I hit him really hard. The longer this show goes, the worse people you all become. I don't think so. We're under a lot of stress right now. And always. Okay, you guys, I got one.

I got one. This one says, the bouncer and the singer started an impromptu rap battle. Oh, no. I don't remember this one. Hey, Chip, you look like a dick. Wait, I wanted to see more of that. No, I don't want to see more of that. Let's go back.

I want a whoosh pass. I don't want... Hey, Beef, you look like a queef. We're not leaving. We're not leaving. Well, why don't you queef this, bro, when I queef after I touch my toes? And if you touch your toes, you dick, I'm going to eat your face and kill you to death. Eat my face.

Good luck. Because once I'm done, I'm going to eat your face for breakfast, too. Seb, should we step in? I feel like they're really fighting. Well, I mean, somebody's got to man this funeral that is taking place in the bar right now. That was not good. In poor taste. Yeah, that was inappropriate.

What's so wild about that memory, though, is I forgot how good me and Beef were at rapping. I was going to say that exact same comment, Chip. Speaking of comments, I got another one here. Oh, okay. Staff tried to claim my child as a tip. So here is your bill. I took off that

drink order that never made it to you. So that is our fault on us. That's on the house. Oh, I appreciate that. And obviously we have built in gratuity, so we're gonna just take this sweet little baby. That's about 20%.

Wait, hold on. What are you doing with our child? Papa? Mama? We have a talking baby. You're taking our talking baby? Yeah, that's worth a lot. That's a money-making machine. They speak full sentences, and they eat full sandwiches. Papa, Mama.

Yeah, people will come from all over to see this baby perform on stage with beef. Again, I told you before, gratuity is built into the bill, so. We spent $15 here. At most, it's a $3 tip. Are you saying that's a $3 baby? I consider myself a million-dollar baby. Oh, and you are, sweetheart. You are, sweetheart.

Careful with that stool. Watch out for the stool. The stool cracked. Hey, little baby. How would you like to perform on stage with my friend Beef? You could be very famous and very rich. Whoa, Beef? He looks like a grief.

This guy over here is underneath my foot. I'll stop him. I'll squish him like that. He is fat. Not PH80 fat, but the other kind of mean. I'm a bad person. You thought I was good, but you need some learning. I'm a baby, but I'm evil.

I'm growing bigger now. It's upheaval. It's madness. In this bar, I will take this way too far. Fire! Explode from my fingers. You should not stay. You should not linger, for I bring death.

The harbinger of doom. Don't stay, for I will loom large as I swallow this place and bring it to darkness from outer space. I don't know. I think we rap better than that. So this is another example of somebody trying to upstage us in our own place of work.

It's our f***ing show. Sorry. It's our show. That did take years to clean up, though. And the infrastructure. And Beef, thank you so much for handling all of it. Yeah, that was crazy that that baby grew 10 sizes and was kind of like Godzilla-ing around the town for a while. Yeah.

Yeah, that was a dark period of time. It's so funny how little we talk about that. That was maybe the biggest and worst thing that's ever happened. I think it's not worth bringing up. It's traumatizing. Oh, yeah. It was pretty awesome when that giant baby battled Megarat, though. That was

huge. That was pretty crazy. But again, led to a lot of destruction. Yes. The town was closed down completely for three years. But, you know, the council came together to rescind the bill not allowing Megarat so that the Megarat could take down the baby. It was a good call. Yeah. It was a good call.

It's really the system working. What that's an example of. Your taxpayer money going to the right thing. Snap, snap, snaps all around. Anyways, the next comment. Day 45. Me and the others surviving on

crumbs and dust. We gained another last night. There is now ten of us. Food is too scarce to survive much longer. Oh. I just pulled a candlestick on the wall. Here he is, a new member. Hello. Oh.

Welcome. Where am I? The lost pit? You're in the bottomless pit. The bottoms-upless pit. Oh, that's a much better name.? You're in the Bottomless Pit. The Bottoms-Upless Pit. Oh, that's a much better name. Thank you. I've been working on names. I'm sorry. I kind of just pitched that without telling you all first.

I apologize. There's so many of you, and you smell awful. Yes, you make ten, and you'll smell bad soon, too. Don't you worry. So, Beef is our god because sometimes he can't find his sandwiches and they drop down here and that's what we survive on. So beef is our god. There's a mural of

beef over here. We're a bunch of people who live under bottoms up. We call ourselves the beefies. And what more do you want to know? No more. No more. Kill me. I've seen where this is headed. I would rather die. We can't kill down here. We've tried.

For some reason, there's this weird loop where if you kill yourself, you end up just falling from the top again. So, my apologies. And we're pretty sure we're living the same day over and over again. We don't have... Yeah, we just, we don't see anyone else.

And we don't have mirrors, so we can't see if we're aging. Beef's voice is heard from above. My children! Beef knows about them? He knows? He knows! Your acolytes are listening.

I bestow upon you a turkey sub! Yo, thank the heavens! Oh, thank you, Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! You're sick! Get help!

Get help! You're sick! Whoa, Beef! I! You're sick! Get help! Get help! You're sick! Whoa, Beef! I didn't know any of this. Are they still here? I think they're just playing around. What does that mean? About what? We're playing pretend. You know, when you pretend to be trapped and I pretend to be God.

You don't think they're really stuck down there, do you? Have you been feeding them lately? No, I thought they all went home. Oh, no. Oh, man. Okay. This is a problem for another day.

Seb, do you have a comment? Yeah, yeah, I got one. I got one. This episode's really dark. Yeah, I didn't mean to. I don't know who to blame, though. I actually don't even know. I think it's all of us. Yeah, I think it might be a I don't know who to blame, though. I actually don't even know. I think it's all of us.

Yeah, I think it might be a collective. Anyways, here's my comment. Came here for lunch. Really enjoyed it. Oh. Had a nice sandwich. Oh, that's nice. Overall pleasant experience.

Oh, my gosh. A good comment. And I'm flipping it over to see what's on the other side. Why? Quick question. What is Funeral Fridays, and why does it happen on a Tuesday? Great question.

Thank you. Half off. Yeah, you should just respond to that. What's up, Funeral? I know what you're looking for. The two b-b-b-b-best rappers in b-b-b-bottoms up. Brr-b-b-b-brr.

To my left, we got Mr. Beef. Mr. Beef, tell me what's the scariest thing about you, motherfucker? The scariest thing about me is my teeth, because they gnaw all day and all night, and they can gnaw through metal, and they can gnaw through anything. Awesome, Beef. And to my right, I got the baddest guy in town, Mr. Chip. Chip, what makes you so motherfucking scary?

Well, the reason I'm scary is because I punch things without gloves. I punch them hard with my fist. I punch them into a bloody mist. Ew, and they're going to rap about whatever you suggest. Who's your loved one that just passed away? Seb punches up the door on the casket, and he's in there, and he goes, Big Patrick

just passed away, and I've got something to say. Seb, are you laying on a dead body? Yeah, for hours. They were very surprised at the knowledge of that that and angry. A lot of positive comments on that card, though. So that's, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. That was really nice. All right. One more from Beef here. Okay. This comment says, love the bar. Oh, my gosh.

You can probably take down the New Year's decorations, though. For some reason, it's starting to smell. Oh, that's because they're alive. Yeah. Yeah, they're the frog balloons. Or were, though. For some reason, it's starting to smell. Oh, that's because they're alive. Yeah, they're the frog balloons. Or were, yeah. Please kill us. There's some loop here where we can't die. And a happy new

year to you, little toad. It's April! It's April! It's April! Anybody notice that we've had a whole lot of time stuff happen ever since we moved the bar one plot. Maybe we should move back. But who's got time?

Nope. Yeah, there's no time. Y'all, I don't know if I can take another comment. I'm feeling like really sad. I'm kind of missing Bottoms Up. This freaking awful place with all these terrible freaking children. Freaking Carlton!

I see you taking a break out there! How good is this? I can't have sex! Sweet kid. But you know, at least we got the five of us still. At least there's us. Bottoms Up wasn't perfect, but it was our home and Beef was happier there. Yeah. I'm sad here.

I hate it. Oh, Beef. Well, this is the last one that's out of the box, so I'll just read it for old time's sake. Came into Bottoms Up because I saw this sign outside that said, Dinner Theater. Loved the show, but dinner was never served. That feels targeted. Hi, everybody.

Welcome to our dinner theater show. Thank you so much for attending. I'm Chip Ahoy. There's been a murder. I'm Seb. Beef, we wrote it that you were the one who was murdered. There's a murder. And I'm Chalice. And I'm Chalice.

And that's Chalice. Thank you. We'll be starting our show in a couple minutes. Sorry, Beef, I think got a little bit ahead of the schedule. He's really excited. He's really excited. Somebody murdered me. Beef.

Beef. Beef. I love it, buddy. So go ahead and get your seats. We're going to have a lot of fun get your cards ready because you're going to have to take a lot of notes I'm going to get murdered right over there what are you doing

it's actually you know what it is okay it is okay because that's stuff you were going to find out within the first 10 minutes anyway so nothing has actually been ruined I really hope I can come back to this memory because I love it here. Me too.

This is a good memory. Yeah, this is nice. Trip murdered my ass. Okay, all right. Sorry. There's going to be no food. Well, this has reinvigorated me. I'm going to stop spending money on stupid shit

like extra donkeys. Aw. Yeah, and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let people that i love know in the moment that i it's that time again pretend you're eating some cheese now practice eating that cheese while i put my hands on the keys you put your hands on your knees And have an allergy

While I play on these reeds Now this one here is an absolute must Church your face up to the sky and scream I'm on a bus Now cha-cha once Great, now let's try it together Pretend you're eating some cheese Then put your hands on your knees

And then get ready to scream. Ooh, I'm on a bus. Cha-cha. So what'd you write on the comment card? Well, it was like, hey, man, if I ask for more fries, that means I want more fries. Oh, my God. I hope that's framed in the back room.

But then it was too much. It was an egregious amount of fries. They really were trying to save us from death. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Another Comment Box episode is in the books what a ride and you know this episode would not have been possible without all the amazing comments we received from you

our listeners so shout out to everyone who sent in comments on our patreon as well as those who submitted comments by leaving a review on apple podcasts if your comment didn't get read this time maybe it will next time. And if you haven't rated our podcast yet, now's a great time to do so. Leave us a comment for the comment box on Apple Podcasts, and it might get read on next season's comment box episode. Please rate our show different

from how you rate Bottoms Up as an establishment. Otherwise, we'd be in big trouble here. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the initial story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible.

It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 50 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is Fleshing Out Frasier, The Fire Station. In this new Patreon series, the gang randomly generates D&D characters in order to play through a one-shot exploring a side of Frasier we've never seen before, thus Fleshing Out Frasier.

In this first episode, we get a peek behind the curtain of Frasier's fire station and the employees who inhabit it. Honestly, this is some of the most fun I've ever had DMing, and I think people are really going to enjoy it. There, I said it. It's good. Sue me. We are also releasing weekly episodes of my comic book Skylist on the Patreon. I am very proud of this project and the sci-fi fantasy coming of age story we're telling. And if for nothing else, I think it is worth checking out for Chris Kirk's incredible artwork alone. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang,

you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D&D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by Waleed. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.