SitcomD&D - S3 E13: Basement Crawl

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

After the gang is tasked with taking inventory at Chuck E. Busters they soon find themselves falling into a much more puzzling morning. They’ll have to work together and put their personal differences aside to escape the depths below Chuck E. Busters.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Sean Meagher Link to Dungeon Snacks - Where we got most of the puzzles for this episode! Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so yesterday uh i got a little gift in the mail oh your baby came with the stork yes return address was the storks and it was a baby hey congrats no the return address was mr ben breaks oh and he sent i opened it up and it started with a delightful two-page message and then one article of clothing that i will be showing to the crew right now oh my god oh my god well played it's a seb onesie well it's a from our merch store on t public so it's a one that just has seb on it yeah it was crazy that that was the only one of us on the registry so yeah that was i was like i guess if it's from someone. I guess he really wants it. It's on the registry. It's a little frustrating that Bleeds Baby already has a favorite sitcom D&D character.

I didn't even get a chance. Baby's about to get a lot more swag, let's say. A lot more character stuff coming through. This baby is going to be hooked up with swag from sitcom D&D. We're all going to be fighting for its love welcome back to sitcom dnd a real play dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today we're picking up inside chucky buster's. And it's a pretty typical Wednesday morning. And Mr. Tummy is calling the morning meeting.

So y'all are wiping the sleep out of your eyes and shuffling to see what Mr. Tummy is on about today. We'll pick up there. Sound speeding? Nope, I skipped one. It's been a while since I've been to a shop. Dice! Remember? There's a streak where the first 15 episodes, I skipped one. It's been a while since I've done this stuff. Dice! Dice! Remember? There was a streak where, like, the first 15 episodes, I could not get us right.

Well, quiet on set! Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! Dice! Dice! Quiet on set! Quiet on set when you need a break from this crazy world

to see your friends and fill a cup find Sebastian Chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up as step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous

on another happy day we're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass,

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, everyone. Come on.

Morning meeting. Beef, come on. A little quicker, please. I am hung gopher. For sure. You're a hung gopher? I'm hung gopher, yeah. Are you implying you're a well-endowed creature of the forest?

No, no, I drank a bunch of piss and beer last night. I'm hung gopher. Oh, hung over. Okay, Beef, well, thank you for being honest, but I will have to write you up. There's no drinking. What? It was after hours. I didn't, well, you said it was here. Well, then in that case, I am not hung over, Mr. Tummy.

And thank you for being honest, Chalice. I, too, am not a little rodent with a giant penis. So I... Well, thank you for being honest, everyone. I appreciate that. I, too, am not a little rodent with a giant penis. So I... Well, thank you for being honest, everyone. I appreciate that. Beef, I will, unfortunately, have to write you up, and it flat-out stinks to write up my day manager.

That's not who I want to be writing up. Ugh, fiddlesticks. Sucks. Now that I've got everyone's attention, well, mornings have been slow for us. Again, we do open around 6 or 7 a.m. We've been experimenting with that. Not a lot of foot traffic. So today we're going to open a little bit later.

What I'm going to have you do is go downstairs to the cellar there and take inventory. We haven't been doing a very good inventory and understanding of our prizes. I think there's boxes of gears down there as well as prizes, and we need to understand what we have for cash flow. Why don't we get down there and take these clipboards? Here you go, everyone. This is literally the most boring thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Well, thank goodness you're not hungover.

I'm looking at you, Beef. I'm hungover. I don't know what that means. Okay, so I'm going to give you all a couple hours to do that. And yeah, we just want a nice, good accounting of our inventory. And I'll see you in a couple for opening. So this is all just going to be us counting the whole time? Yes, it's going to be a...

If someone were to listen in on this, I'm sure it would be a blast. Hey, Jennifer, why don't you come do inventory with us? All five, the classic five. Jealous, stop screaming. I am a hung gopher. See? See? Carry me.

Sure. They all begrudgingly grab a clipboard and make their way downstairs and chalice has like a big bun on top of her head uh her hair is like in a bun and uh jennifer is sitting in the bun like a beanbag chair she's punching the bun to get it cushier. And then flops on it. Chip's taking the clipboard and trying to pinch Beef's little butt with it. Trying. Beef's letting him. Okay, I thought this was going to be fun

if you were going to run away, but you're enjoying this too much. Beef, I think I'm done. I think I'm done with this. Try Seb. Try Seb, Chip. Too late. I'm using my clipboard to snowboard Down the stairs

Whoa roll for acrobatics I don't want to Alright fine And I think this will work Very well for me but I got a four Okay Yeah that's it So you try to

Legolas slide down a shield a la Helm's Deep, and you throw it down on the stairs, jump on it. It immediately shoots from under your feet. You crack your head on the stair and roll the rest of the way down. You take a D4 of damage.

No! What is down here? Never come down here. Yeah, we start looking around to see what's... Yeah, roll for perception. I rolled a 14. Same. down here. Yeah, we started looking around to see what's... Yeah, roll for perception. I rolled a 14. Same. Natural 20.

Whoa, nat 20. Seb almost has an instant understanding of the inventory down there. Kind of just pulled a rain man and was like, okay, yep, there are 323 different sticky hands in this box. But what y'all see is a bunch of different crates containing a bunch of different items,

not very organized things. It's very dark and dusty down there. And everything's kind of sitting on the stone floor. Seb, you're thinking this will probably be at least, I don't know, two to three hours of work by what you're looking at. Yeah. There's like a bunch of vaporous math things, like a square root of X and stuff like that still floating around my head. And I go, this is going to take two or three hours.

Well, who wants to count what, I guess? Guys, this is it. I mean, I don't know what you're waiting around for. This is it. I mean, I don't know what you're waiting around for. Like, this is it. This is what we're doing. Beef pops out of a crate with all the sticky hands, and they're all over his body. And he's, like, swimming in it. These are mine. All mine.

If you got to count them, you got to count them. Since when do we do work? I'm so confused. We should be trying to get out of this, right? Like, let's go get ice cream. What are we doing? Oh, let's do that. Yeah.

Oh, what is that? What's what? And so this is something you noticed as well, which is it looks like there's like a game that isn't upstairs on the floor. Obviously, it's down here and you don't recognize it. What the hell is this game? It almost looks like

an old, like a slot machine with like a big lever that you can pull, and there isn't really anything besides that lever, and you don't even see what the lever really does. Alright, everybody back up, back up.

Game master coming through. Alright, okay. I can see why this Game master coming through. All right, okay. Oh, okay. I can see why this thing's down here. It seems pretty easy. Careful, Chip. Yeah, don't shake it. Careful what?

It's one lever. What could possibly happen? Okay. I don't know. I mean, you probably just pull it, you win. Too easy. Let me check it out. Wait, wait.

I pull the lever. You, oh. Okay, so Chip, I'm halfway through pulling the lever, and Seb yells, wait. I have to sneeze. Achoo! Go ahead. Okay, I finished pulling the lever.

Wow. Oh, my God. If you would have inspected it at all, there's a little sign that says, don't pull right above it. Oh. That was written and taped to it. But you've full

bore pulled the lever all the way. The floor beneath your feet, the stone floor disappears. And all of you are now falling. The whole floor? Not just where Chip was standing? Damn it, Chip. You're saying this

as we're falling? It's like, fuck you, Chip. Come on. Oh, man. Yeah. Feather fall, feather fall, feather fall, feather fall. No, you. No.

Yeah. No, Chip. We're not going to bail you out of this one. Yeah, that's the only way you'll learn. I'm going to feather fall with my friends and not Chip. I'm not your friend? Not right now not Chip. I'm not your friend. Not right now, man. You will not right now. You will hit whatever surface we're about to hit.

Much sooner than us. Beef, do you want to cast feather fall on everyone except for Chip? Yeah. Yeah. I do. Oh, boy. Okay. So you do.

Everyone, it's hard to even really feel because as you've been flying or falling, rather, it kind of feels like you're weightless. But when Feather Fall hits, you feel that slight sensation take over your body and you move your feet and you can feel the new stone floor beneath it. You are now on the ground. Chip, you are still falling. Can I see them? It's pitch black.

Five dark vision. I didn't know that. You can see right now. Chalice is a little more turned on. Shut up, B. You don't know that. Hey, hey, what? Busted. What? shut up beep you don't know that hey hey what busted what I see everything

in the dark no matter how dark it is what's the big deal oh my god oh my god that's so hot that is really cool

ship what you see as you still are falling is the rest of the gang who were just falling a second ago kind of just

take their foot and tap the ground and they were actually just kind of hovering six inches above the ground and so you are too but it feels this like the sensation like wind flying up past you like you're falling can i try and like point my foot and touch the ground uh give me a strength check oh dang okay my foot and touch the ground? Give me a strength check. Oh, dang. Okay.

Oh. 18. You touched that ground. Hey. And you flop right to it. As soon as a part of you, your toe, touches the stone floor, you immediately kind of fall to it. But it's like a six-inch fall. Oh.

Oh. Oh. That was kind of fun. I think I won the game. I told you won the game. I told you it was easy. That's an easy game to win. That is too easy.

Honestly, let's do it again. Yeah, where is that leather? Oh my gosh. You really hit your head when you fell down the stairs. I'm not doing so great. There's a lot of blood in my- Was it worth it? Yeah, it was.

Yeah, yeah. No, I can say enough time has gone by. I can say definitively that was worth it. That looked pretty badass. Where are we? Yeah, can Chalice roll for perception to see where they are? I will cast Create Bonfire to illuminate the room.

And the room is illuminated. 22. Chalice, you see a torch that's hanging off the wall. I want Beef and Chip to go grab the torches, light them on fire, and then act like they're lifesavers. Lifesavers? You're going to try to eat them? Yeah, you're going to suck them?

We take torches, we light them, and we start sword fighting with them. Yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah. Okay, does anybody else want to do anything? Um, hmm. Hey,

Jennifer, do you have any ideas? Well, I want to ride that ride again. That was fun. So I just want to get out of here. Can we go back up and see how do we get back up to that lever? Yeah.

Oh yeah. Well, it should be a ladder around here. A stairs, something easy, a rope. Beef walks to that far wall that you were talking about. With the torch?

Yeah. Okay. Beef, you come to a very fancy locked door. Fancy? Beside the door is an iron block. At the top of the block, a key shape has been etched into the iron. At the base of the block, there is an indent or like an alcove. I'd like to inspect, sir.

Okay. Give me a roll. And what is that? Investigation? Yeah. 18 plus, oh, 18 minus one. Okay. When you take a closer look at this beef,

you see some writing carved into the iron block. At the top of the iron block, it says, the cost of well wishes, the price of cooked dishes. I have many carrots, but am not delicious. I need an adult. Beef, you are an adult. We talked about this. I need an adult. Beef, you are an adult. We talked about this. You're an adult.

It counts. Can you read that again? The cost of well wishes, the price of cooked dishes. I have many carrots, but am not delicious. Is it gold, my favorite thing? Beef, you also notice a second riddle towards the bottom where that alcove is. And it says, always hungry, never thirsting, breathing without lungs.

When I'm stoked, my joy is bursting, dancing without songs. That one's a fire, right? Could be. Diamond, gold, and fire are our final answers you announce that and as soon as you're finished saying that sentence absolutely nothing happens well i give up jell sits down on the ground crisscross let's look's that ladder? Yeah, we all do four different things. Everyone gives up. Exactly 23 minutes later,

all five of you with like the Charlie Brown music playing slump back to me in the middle by the fancy door again having found no way out and no sign of even that how you got in here in the first place like when you look

up in the spot that you were before even with dark vision it looks like never-ending darkness above you you know i'm starting to get a little scared i'm gonna be a little honest right now i'm getting a little scared this is a good point and i have a feeling that we might end up in a lot of situations of which we're gonna be scared so i think what we should do right now is establish something that makes us feel not scared. Maybe a song we all sing together or some sort of rhyme that would help us in a moment such as this. Chip, I hate to say this, but you're right. I think we do need something like that. I hate to say it.

You really hated saying that. Your face was all mad. Yeah, you hit me in the chest. I am beet red. I am very upset on a physical level. I hate to say this. But you're right. Well, Talos, maybe you should go first.

What should be the rhyme? Okay. As long as we stay a very tight five, we will be able to stay alive. I really like that. And I hate to say that. I hate to. Ow, you're pulling my hair so hard.

You're punching me in the gut. It's good. It's good. It's good. I feel a lot better, Chalice. Thanks for being my thunder buddy. Yeah, of course. I love you, B.

It's my idea. That doesn't feel right, does it? No. And that's why you're nobody's thunder buddy, dude. I keep trying to tell you. Stuff like that. Stuff like what? I was trying to help.

Wait, what's the rhyme? We gotta remember it right now. As long as we stay alive. A really tight five. A tight four. What? Then we'll be able to open the door. Yes, that's what it is. Oh, that's so much

easier to remember. That's so much easier. That's way easier to remember. Jennifer shuffles. Can we go back and investigate the riddles a little bit more? Are there like slots in which we're supposed to be placing objects or anything? You can tell that in that like indent at the top of the block, maybe something should go in there. Okay. So what do we think the answers were?

We thought they were gold, right? The first one's gold. The other one's fire in there. Okay. So what do we think the answers were? We thought they were gold, right? The first one's gold. The other one's fire. Yeah. Okay. So can I take a gold piece and try and place it in like the keyhole thing and then put a torch up? Is it too big for a torch? Too small for a torch?

You could put the head of a torch in there. I do so. At first, nothing's really happening in like the first minute um however that's embarrassing because i promise just give it a tip it's over just take it out come on how long's it been what only one full minute of me standing here? This is embarrassing. But at the minute mark, the fire is heating up the block and you're starting to see that that piece of gold is melting.

Oh my God, Chip was right. I hate to say it. And it now takes the form of a key. Huh. Whoa. Don't touch it yet. Give it a minute. Wait a minute.

You all stand there for one full minute waiting for it to call. And at the end of the minute, it looks a little cooler. I grab the key. And it's quite cool. I've been wanting

to say that for years on some sort of fantasy episode. Okay. So it hits your hand and it's quite cool. What do you do now? I mean, I guess, is there a keyhole? Yeah, there's a keyhole on the door.

Hmm. God, there's so many options of what I could do with this key. I'm trying to really nail it down. Get it out of your mouth. Get it out of your mouth. Get it out of your mouth. Yeah, spit it out. Okay. Does this have to be taken off my gold income now that I melted this?

Does this still count as a gold piece? It's been accounted for. Yeah, you lost that gold piece. Oh, I put the key in as a game master is wont to do, and then I turn the key. You hear a click and the door gently swings open. And the

next room that you see ahead of you is actually full of like dazzling light. And because you've been in such darkness, it's kind of like almost blinding. We put on our cool sunglasses. The whole group. Yeah, we're going to put on our

really cool sunglasses. Your canonical very cool sunglasses that everyone has. Wait, I'm just remembering now. They're quite cool. I feel like the editors have been cutting our cool sunglasses out of all these episodes. Has that not... Listeners, is that the case? Have they never left in our very cool sunglasses?

We talk about it every episode. We all have matching cool sunglasses. What the? Sean, is this true? If you're listening to this right now and they have left out our cool sunglasses out of every single episode, leave a comment, all right?

Leave a comment. Say, where are the sunglasses at, huh? And hey, Grace and Sean, our editors, you're getting an email. Okay, so you put on your cool sunglasses. What next? Are you heading into this room? What's the move?

We compliment each other. Holy shit. Wait, we should all go in. This is about to turn into a six-part series. Because y'all aren't making it out of here any time soon. Okay, and then we go in. After the compliments, we're going in. Yeah, we tip our sunglasses to the edge of our noses and we take a look around the room.

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It's like dazzling light. Your eyes adjust to it. You see that you're in a cylindrical room. It's smooth walls reaching high above you. Water, but like a kind of, like, there's like a hue to this water.

It almost seems like magical. Pours from a tall fountain in the center of the room, and flows out through grated drains in the floor. Probably like 50 or 60 feet above y'all is this. But the water is flowing all the way down, so it looks like, you know, one cylindrical structure

within this giant cylindrical room that you're in. That's pretty beautiful. Can Chalice throw a gold piece in and make a wish? She certainly can. Okay. Can Chalice throw a gold piece in and make a wish? She certainly can. And she kisses her gold piece and she throws it into the fountain.

Remember, wishes don't come true unless you tell everyone what you wish for. I don't think that's true. Is that true? It is now. It's canon in our world now. Yeah, in canon in this world, they only come true if you say them out loud. Oh, no. You have to yell them. Oh, God. Have you world they only come true if you say them out loud. Oh no. You have to yell them. Oh God.

Have you been making your wishes silently, Chalice? Yeah. No wonder things have been going the way they have. Yeah, things have been really bad for you.

Yeah. This is why. Really, that sucks. Oh girl. Now what'd you wish for? Yeah, what'd you wish for? Chalice is panic looking around.

I wish that everyone who is supposed to be together would be together and everyone who's supposed to break up should should break up what a wonderfully vague wish that is very cool yeah with with no way of really knowing whether or not it came true it's almost impossible to really tell whether or not that that happened. You can tell. You can tell. Give it time. Give it time.

A minute? No, no. Much longer than a minute, I think. Can someone throw another coin and wish that we get the heck out of here? I'm starting to get claustrophobic. Good point. Chip reaches over the fountain and grabs the coin that Chalice just swished. It's 60 feet up in the air.

You cannot reach it. I'm sorry. What? Yeah, the fountain is 60 feet up in the air. The water's down. Chalice just threw a coin 60 feet up in the air? Yeah. Didn't even have to roll for it.

Can you believe it? That's how talented Chalice is at throwing coins. We have a ton of side episodes where Chalice is just working on throwing coins. Oh my god, don't tell me that got edited out. Oh my god. I

don't want to spend another coin, so I look around to see if there's any other solutions besides looking for... besides getting rid of another gold coin. You're looking for other ways out. There's only the door that you came in. However, when you look like above the fountain again, it's like 60 feet up. Even a little bit higher than that, it looks like there's like maybe there's like another rim on this room, potentially, up there that could ultimately be an exit way up there.

It seems like maybe it like levels out for a second, like a plateau, maybe 70 feet up. So is the water pouring all the way down to like in front of us? It is. It is. Okay. And the only other thing you notice in this room, because the walls are completely smooth, are the, on the floor there's grates that the water's going down.

Can I do an arcana check to see if there's something magical about this water fountain? Yeah, I rolled a 21. There is a slight magical quality to the water. With that, you know that someone who drinks it might experience some sort of side effect. Well, I don't know if anyone heard me earlier, but I said beef was drowning. I did not hear that at all. I didn't hear that either.

That guy edited it out while we were recording. So beef can drink some of that on accident okay so what that looks like because there's no standing water in this room it's going straight down these these drains um so beef is just under where the water is falling like if you were at a uh like an indoor water park you know there's those parts where it's just like heavy water dropping on you all he has to do is move to the side but he's like i'm drowning i'm. All he has to do is move to the side, but he's like, I'm drowning, I'm drowning. But he's getting pummeled by this water from the fountain straight into his face, and he's on his back.

Ow! Is someone going to help me? Are you going to drink it? No, aren't you going to drink some of the water? Yeah, I'm drinking it right now. Okay. Beef, after drinking this water um the uh side effect of this water is actually that you can only tell the truth right now hey beef are you okay

actually yeah what I've never felt better. I feel stronger. You feel stronger? What? Yeah, like I feel like my thoughts are connected to my feelings right now. Oh. Okay, my pitch is what if we block the grates and so this room fills up with water and we just basically ride it all the way up to the top. We like tread water until it fully fills with water.

Oh my gosh. And then we like, because there's like a second tier. So what if we just did that? Oh, okay. Let's do that. How do you want to try to block these grates? We all take our clothes off. I could shape water.

I don't know if we want to use that right now. Oh, my God. What could you shape water into? I could shape water into a tube that we could swim up oh my god we'll lead aaron had a better idea that's embarrassing i don't know magic i'm self-conscious about this i told this earlier you guys didn't even like really affirm that this is embarrassing sean could i shape the water so we could swim up it for sure you can you can do that step aside everybody i hate to say this but i got a great

idea uh are there any parameters on yeah what's the range is it more than 50 feet whatever normal i got magic in me what's the range what's the range uh What's the range? What's the range? I'm looking into it. 30 feet. Yeah, that's right. We're going to get halfway up. But then I'll just do it again when I'm at that point. Yeah. I'll do it again.

I can do it again when we get to the top. Is it a spell slot? Yes. Okay. So that's totally cool. You can definitely attempt this and it would to execute a plan would do you'd have to use two spell slots just to be clear yeah that's great okay i'll do that okay but also if you guys would rather walk up an ice a staircase made of ice or

swim up like a water tube what would you rather do half and a half half and half okay the first half is they swim up and the second half is an ice staircase like in frozen and chalice does the full elsa oh like up and makes this and then she takes her butt out and it's a perfect braid and jennifer goes flying. Wow. So then I'm going to have everybody else roll for a constitution saving throw to be able to hold your breath for 30 feet of tube swimming. Easy. Eight. 17.

Okay. Nine. 19. So Chalice, Seb, and Jennifer is back holding on to Chalice. You are moving with efficiency straight up this water tube. And you get to the top and you grab onto the first ice step. And just like it's like the side of a pool. But when you look down, you see Beef and Chip starting to move even slower.

And you recognize that they are becoming unconscious. Oh, no. They're not very hydrodynamic. Oh, this is bad. Well, I guess. Don't leave. Don't leave. This never gets easier.

Well, it was nice knowing you guys. I'm going to go swim down. I'm going to go full lifeguard style. I'm making it canon now that Seb used to be a lifeguard in high school. And so I'm doing freaking breaststroke, butterfly, and I'm going down to get them. If it's both, it's going to be pretty tough.

I might give you disadvantage on it. Can I help? You definitely can. She's sitting on the stairs. Can I help? I guess I could help. Who's going for who? I'll go Chip.

Aw. Okay, so you're going to swim down to grab them and then try to assist them up. They are still a bit conscious, so they're not going to make it too much harder on you. In fact, they'll try to help more than hurt. So just give me a constitution saving throw once

again for this daring deed. Both of you. 17. 15. Y'all grab your intended targets and start pulling them towards the surface of this tube of water and you see it getting closer and closer but you're exerting more force because you're trying to pull more mass and chalice you're like within a couple feet of it and you start to black out

and then you feel your fingers get grip on the stair and you've made it nice everyone is now coughing up water uh on the step um you definitely swallowed some of the water yes oh oh my god did you save me yeah yeah yeah um yeah i saved you Wow. Sometimes I feel like we're not as close as we used to be. Where did that come from? Uh, I mean, stairs. We got to do the stairs. Okay. So y'all take off up the stairs.

And once you get to that plateaued level, you see that there's a door. And it's, it's wide open there. Did everybody like my ice stairs? Oh, my favorite part. They were kind of slippery. Okay, weird. Whoa. Okay. I mean, they were

very slippery. What? Okay, man. I thought that was like one of the coolest things I've ever done and I thought that maybe What is happening? Chip, shut the hell up, man. Oh, my beef. Did you fart? Yes. Damn it. Okay, well, that establishes nothing.

Should we go through this door, or do we want to? Yeah, let's go. As you enter this new room, it is almost having, like, a cave-like quality to it, but it's, like, the size of a football field. Like, it's very large. the size of a football field. Like, it's very large. There's some sparse,

magical kind of lights happening throughout that give it this kind of ethereal, odd quality. Yeah, I want to use guest. The sea of fog parts. And you see on the other side

of this large cavernous room are three doors. Should we each take a door? Split up? Yeah. I'll be with Jennifer. Jen, come with me. Okay. Who wants beef? Beef, you come with us too.

What? Yes. That's the grouping I wanted. Oh, and then Seb. Seb, why don't you come with us? Oh, okay. Yeah, no. What? No, yeah. Yeah, I wanted. Oh, and then Seb. Seb, why don't you come with us? Oh, okay. Yeah, no. What? No, yeah. Yeah, and then you just get those two doors.

That leaves two doors for me, guys. I'm scared. Well, you never admit to being scared. Oh, well, yeah, but I am scared a lot. What is this? What? I'm scared all the time. I mean I

Guys maybe we should all just stick together Okay Let's just pick one of these I would like that Alright I have this little dice on me I'm gonna roll a number between one and three And we'll try that door first You have a three sided die?

The illustrious three sided die? Of course it's magic What'd you roll? It's a two Door number two here we go You have a three-sided die? Yeah. The illustrious three-sided die? Of course, it's magic. What'd you roll? It's a two. Door number two, here we go. You open it up and you move through it. As soon as all of you are through the doorway, it slams shut behind you,

and then a mini portcullis comes down over the door, and you can no longer go out the way you just came in. And what you see is a pretty small room that you're now in with another door now standing across from you. Beside the door, there is an engraved placard. And then below that placard, a goblet is attached to the wall. Engraved in a deep golden yellow are the following letters o h r r well i give up yeah i did the first one could someone else do this one i did the water one

nose goes i came up with fire for the first one uh beef you're up it's your turn if you're up beef okay yeah just figure this i feel like what's your turn. Beef, you're up. Beef, okay, yeah, just figure this. I feel like, what's your impulse? You see a little cup here. What do you want to fill it with? Piss. Okay, that's worth a shot. Okay, I fill it with piss.

As the goblet fills with Beef's piss, As the goblet fills with Beef's piss, the placard with the letters O-H-R-R in a deep golden yellow, each move one letter back in the alphabet to spell piss, and the door unlocks. Oh, fun. No way. Oh, fun.

Wow. Okay, I'm going to be honest here. I really thought I was going to piss in the cup. Nothing was going to happen. You guys were going to say drink it. I drink it. Nothing happens. But my God, what a surprise.

Let's go, guys. Beef, do you pee in cups a lot? Yes. I think we already knew that, so that doesn't really establish so you walk into the next room and again you are met with

a large room this one's way more ornate the walls are wallpapered and in fun colors that are beautiful and there's a very ornate chandelier hanging from the ceiling. And about 45 feet up alongside a smooth wall is another plateau with a door at the top.

A long, flat board sitting on the floor along with a wooden pyramid thing. Anyone up for some seesaw action? I'll bite. No, wait, okay, okay. Listen, slow down, everybody, okay? Because Chip figured out the first one. Chalice did the second one.

Beef did the third. Sad buddy. We got to pull something out of our ass here. Or we are the next ones to get cut. Don't rope me into where you're at. I'm doing fine. I need this. I need this.

What if anybody down for some seesaw action? I'll bite. That was my idea. Can Chalice roll for something to see what's going on with Beef and Chip? Roll for Arcana. 17.

You realize from some magic that you've encountered in your past and like the color of the water that there is some sort of truth serum, magical truth serum that must have been ingested by Beef and Chip. Can we go over and take the plank of wood and place it onto the pyramid and try and create a catapult situation? Oh, cool. How about we try this out with Jennifer first? That feels like the easiest bet. I go so fast. The safest bet. Aye, aye.

Chip takes Jennifer and places her on one side of the board. He runs over to the other side and he starts kicking himself in the butt to work up some speed. And he kicks himself in the butt so hard that he flies up into the air and drops on. Okay, amazing. So Chip jumps onto the board. I want you to roll for how you're going to aim this.

So want to give me a dexterity saving throw? Would love to. 15. You hear that diving board sound, and she rockets into the air. Yaboo! And she goes straight in a perfect arc and lands in a little pile.

I'm okay! At the top where the door is. All right, pull us up. What? I'm kidding. I'm okay. At the top where the door is. All right, pull us up. What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Am I allowed to kid if I can't lie? No.

Yeah, no. Kids are lies. So instead, what Chip just did is he went, you can't pull us up. And that's what came out of your mouth. I know that. Okay. Who's next?

Wait, how high is it up there? I was just going to use Misty's step and just go up there, but it's a 30 feet. I could sling you as far as I possibly can, and then you can use Misty's step the rest of the way if it doesn't get far enough. Okay, that's fine. I'll go next. Aww. Can I put beef into my arms? You could certainly try.

I assume the odds will be a little bit stacked against us, but you're more than welcome to try. And if you use Misty's step, you'll just leave beef flying through the air. Beef, do you want to do this? Absolutely. Alright. Climbs into my arms like a little baby. I go to the other side of the

catapult. I start kicking my little butt to work up some speed, and then I run and I jump onto the catapult. I start kicking my little butt to work up some speed. And then I run and I jump onto the catapult. 16. Okay, 16. Boom. Catapults, both of them. Beef's not that much added weight.

So it looks like they're on a pretty decent trajectory. And Seb, are you going to try to misty step midair? Well, it seems like it's going well, so I might as well just save the spell slot. Just sit it out? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yep, so you guys crash tumble to the other side.

Yay! And you made it. All right. Chalice sort of shuffles up. Yeah. We left Chalice and Chip down there together. That's not gonna go well. I had to get out of there, all right? I know, that was awful.

They are toxic for each other. Wow, that's a big truth. That's true? Yeah. Chalice shuffles up to the catapult and is looking down at her hand. Okay, I'll go. Oh, thanks so much i go chip goes and

he sits down on the side that gets launched oh well i guess i'll have to kick my own ass it's so sad and chalice kicks her own ass and flings chip into the air. Chalice kicks her own ass and then jumps. And because Chip is much heavier, it just serves as a jumping board the other direction. So Chalice goes flying the other way in the opposite direction of the wall that you need to get over. So she boinged herself. So she boinged, kind of a running trampoline boing.

Ugh. Okay, that didn't work. Yeah, we'll just do it the way I did with the first couple people. And I scoop Chalice up and I look at her and I say,

you're beautiful. And I set her down. Ugh. I mean, and then I run over, I kick my little ass and I quickly, as quick as I possibly can. Nat 20.

Nice. And you guys make really intense eye contact as Chip bounces and then watches Chalice move effortlessly through the air in a perfect arc over him, and Chalice actually lands on her feet gently somehow. It just worked that well. Where the exact peak, her zenith on her arc, kind of coincided exactly with where the floor,

the plateau is. I was going to say, he could have done that for me, Seb and Jennifer, but he didn't. He did that just for you, Chalice. Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. It's no big deal. It's nothing.

You guys going to come back for me? There's no time. Oh, yeah. There's a big chandelier. You have a bow and arrow? I have a crossbow. Roll the hit slash DC. 10.

Okay. You shoot a crossbow bolt at that chandelier and you miss by about 2 feet. Poops, can I do it again? Yeah. How many bolts do you think you have, realistically? 2. 3. You could have said

10. That's amazing. We'll give you 3. We'll give you three. We'll give you three. All right. We're doing it again. Oh, 15. Okay.

With a 15, you shoot and it connects with the metal hook that's keeping it hung in the ceiling. And it breaks it loose. While this is happening, Chip is watching, not being told what's happening. He's just like, what? Oh, yeah. He's watching. He's like, what's going on? Why are they? They're trying to kill me, he thinks for a second.

And he's like, no, no, no. So as it's falling, he has to set it all up and get himself on the correct side. That is correct. It would have taken no time at all to give you a heads up, too. Yeah, we could have just said the words. So to buy Chip some time realistically, he was putting this together while the first shot happened. He was like, oh, shit, and is now racing to get it.

You're kind of eyeing up where the chandelier might fall if it does work. And so why don't you, in a race against the clock here why don't you give me an acrobatics check eight okay so it hits but it's kind of just hits like the middle wish you guys would have told me that you were doing that sorry kind of in the moment you know sorry it was a really good idea and you hate to say it i can tell you just hate to say it yeah i do hate to say it i i'm getting mad uh i will try and yank the chain from which the chandelier was hanging down and then i'm going to like try and swing it

up lasso it up to the gang up top so they can either pull me up or i can climb my way up the chain awesome um why don't you roll this is kind of a heavy chain give me a strength check swing it up, lasso it up to the gang up top so they can either pull me up or I can climb my way up the chain. Awesome. Why don't you roll? This is kind of a heavy chain. Give me a strength check. 20. Oh, baby.

The chain goes straight up to the gang. The gang grabs onto it. With all of y'all working together, Jennifer included, you pull up cheap chip. Oh, man. I thought you were going to leave me behind. We would never leave you behind, Chip. I thought we were, too. Actually, Chip, wait a second.

Beef takes a step back. You're looking really good these days. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. Now do me. Seb, I think that you could maybe get more dental work done, but everything else is really lining up for you. I was smiling, and now I have covered both sets of teeth with my lips.

And I go, cool. Both sets of teeth? Both sets of teeth, yes. The top and the bottom sets. And your teeth are all fake, right? You pull them out at one point. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Beef, what about me?

Dallas, I think you're the bra at one point. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Beef, what about me? Talos, I think you're the bravest person here in this whole group. No one's more brave than you. Sometimes I worry you two are going to end up together. What? What?

And everyone looks behind them because we couldn't possibly be talking about anyone in this room. Me and Jennifer? Me and Seb? I think he's talking about me and Seb. What? I'm talking about you and Chalice.

I'm talking about Beef and Chalice. I think you two are going to- Oh. No, we made out like a few times and there was nothing there. There's nothing. I felt nothing. A few times? Yeah. There's nothing. I felt nothing. A few times? Yeah.

Our tongues danced and I felt nothing. Yeah. Sorry, that was kind of weird. No, I get it. It's true. I get it. I get it. I didn't feel anything either.

We are not into each other in that way. All right. I'm looking around for a door. I'm looking for a door. You all move through that door and enter a room that is lit by a fireplace. As you see that, the door behind you, again, slams shut, and Portcullis comes down, and there's no going back. Shadows flicker on the walls, and it seems like kind of a comfy, cozier room. The fireplace is only casting so much light. Out of the darkness comes a group of people.

What? And they go, Beef, you're here, our god! Oh, my god. You drop your sandwiches to us. We love you. You've come to us. What is this?

I don't know these people. I don't know these people. You've come to rescue us. Our savior is here. Uh-oh. They start kissing Beef's feet, and they're sobbing and they're overcome with so much joy. Are we gonna have to push the cult button on you? Like, what's going on here?

Well, oh, you know, I think I know what's going on here. Every Sunday, I throw a sandwich down a hole and Wow. For no reason? That surprises me. Yeah, you know how Chalice tossed a coin into the water and made a wish?

It's like that for me. Throw a sandwich down a hole, make a wish. And that is what it is. Such a generous gift. A blessing from our god, Beef. Anyways, how do we get out of here? Well, that's what I was hoping you would tell us. We're trapped.

Trapped here. We've been trapped for so long. Time is meaningless here for... Why are you so out of breath? Yeah, why are you... I'm frightened. Oh, wait, no. This guy looks...

He looks great. Do you do cardio down here all the time? Yes. Got nothing else to do, I guess. I'm doing ice climbers right now. Oh my gosh. That's because we have to stay fit to stay agile to battle the Dark Claw. The Claw? The Claw! I didn't even put that together! Oh, look, it's the claw.

And in that moment, the shadows that were flickering on the walls form the silhouette of a long, dark, clawed hand. That clawed, dark hand of the shadow attacks your shadows. And it actually grabs the guy that was speaking with you, grabs his shadow, lifts it off the ground, and you see him lift off the ground in real time. Oh. Scary. And he's being choked. Save yourselves!

Save yourselves! I want to save this guy. Oh, sure, yeah. I feel like something with light, since it's grabbing shadows. So if we can move or get rid of a shadow. The fireplace. Oh, yeah, let's put out the fire. And we have the torches.

Oh, put out the fire. That's smart. And then Chip can lead us out of here because. My dark vision. Chalice, is there any water in here that I fire. That's smart. And then Chip can lead us out of here because... My dark vision. Chalice, is there any water in here that I could... You could snowball. I could snowball. I'm going to snowball the fire.

So you cast snowball. Do you do any type of frozen dance this time? Yeah. I'm doing sort of like Elsa Ice Castle dancing. Jennifer goes flying again. Yaboo! castle dancing. Jennifer goes flying again.

Yaboo! So, like a flurry of snowballs hits that fire, extinguishing it pretty quickly here, and you just hear like a dark, guttural, evil sound that almost can't even be comprehended

by any type of humanoid ear as the claw, as its shadow disappears, it's screaming out in anguish. You guys never tried to put out the fire? Chip, don't judge them. Chip. They did a bad job.

Chip. That was not part of them. We were pretty concerned that throwing the whole room into darkness would have made it more powerful, too. It was a big risk. It played out for us, though. Yeah, we didn't even consider the risks.

That's kind of our thing. We rarely ever do. That should be our catchphrase or on our shield, is we never even considered the risks. Chip, do you want to lead us out of here? I would love to, especially you. What the heck? I my god no game whatsoever because i care about you i'd say just maybe lay low and stop talking for a little while stop asking me questions please no more questions for like three days chip as you move forward you do see

the faintest natural light coming down and through the fireplace okay i reach for the natty light okay so you get yourself inside the fireplace it's still pretty hot in there, but there's no active fire. It's cooled down with a lot of the snowballs, obviously. And you look up and you see natural light and like an opening up there. So it's like a chimney kind of situation? Well, I guess I start doing whatever kind of rock climbing move this is, where you put your back up against one side and you put your arms and legs out and you shuffle up. And yeah, are all of you following, Chip? Yeah.

I feel like we all can do that, yeah. Yeah, for sure. This climb is actually, it's almost like steps in some areas. Like it's not that difficult of a climb as you might think a smooth inside of a chimney would be. It's not really like that. You're finding good footholds and stuff.

However, you start to get bonked on the head. And when you look to see what's getting bonked on you and dropping on you, you see that it's balls. They're little balls. Oh no, it's the ball pit. We're going to come up through the ball pit. And hundreds and hundreds of balls start pouring down on top of you.

It has now become tough to get up because hundreds and hundreds of balls start pouring down on top of you. It has now become tough to get up because hundreds and hundreds of balls are pouring on top of you. Everybody give me a constitution saving throw against the onslaught of balls. 16. 17. Ooh, 17 too.

Uh, 13. Okay. Everyone is pushing through and you're just, you can't see the light anymore, but you know, you can feel all four walls of the chimney around you, so you know that's what direction you need to go, and you're just pushing against them, pushing against them, and you all were very, very tight in line here, one before the other vertically,

and Chip, you feel Seb kind of getting swept away down by the balls having saved my life earlier i i feel the need to return the favor and i reach down and i try and grab for seb give me uh once you get a grasp on him give me a strength check a 20 okay you grab a hold of Seb. You don't even know which part, and you start pulling him towards the surface. And you pull him towards the light. You feel the chimney, inexplicably for all of you,

kind of widen out, and you lose track of where the walls are, and now you're just in a sea of balls, and you burst to the top, and you see that you are, in fact, in the ball pit back at Chucky Buster's. Oh, my God. Where am I? What are we doing here?

Just playing in the balls? I asked you to do inventory. We are. We all fell into this hole, and it was scary, and it was scary. There's 323 sticky hands, so that's one of them. And the rest was 100. We counted and it was 100.

Did y'all try our new immersive fun experience, the Adventure Zone? I'm sorry, what? That's what that was? Well, it's under construction and definitely, you know, wouldn't advise people to use it now. But yes, we're designing it to be a blast for children six to nine. Six to nine? Oh, my. Yes.

Oh, no. It's weird there's a cap on it that they're only six to nine. Ten you could. We just felt like it wouldn't be challenging for a ten-year-old. We almost died multiple times. Did you guys make a shadow monster that may kill people? Oh, no. That was not us.

Is that down there? Yes. I guess not anymore. I guess we extinguished it. Well, thank you. Maybe it has been a productive morning. What? I thank you. Maybe it has been a productive morning. What? I hate you.

Hey, now is that my little manager? I hate you. And he starts barking. And that's true. You know what? It sounds like it's been a long morning. Why doesn't everyone take three and then we'll meet back here to open up? That sounds great. Three hours.

That's perfect. Oh, no. Go back through the hole. Go back through the hole. I'm going back. Hey, Jennifer. Why don't you come do inventory with us? All five, the classic

five. Aaron, stop stop I just called you Aaron yeah whoa we gotta start over yeah we gotta start completely over now season one we gotta start at season one from there

from the top we gotta repilot everybody sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs there. Take it from the top. We gotta re-pilot everybody. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Marr did the editing on this one.

Y'all, I literally have to tell you, right now is a great time to check out the Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible it's how we pay for editors equipment and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love so hop on now for five buckaroos and get access to over 60 hours of content instantaneously and for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is sitcom showdown episode four, where Aaron guides me through the sitcom

bracket and I try to hone in on the greatest sitcom of all time. Now the rest of the gang has already made their choices, but will our tastes align? Listen in and find out. but will our tastes align? Listen in and find out. We are also releasing weekly episodes of my comic book Skyless on the Patreon. I am very proud of this project and the sci-fi fantasy coming-of-age story we're telling and if for nothing else,

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See our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode. Get hot and spicy memes relating to the show. And see new character drawings done by our very own Waleed Mansour. Okay. I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday. And thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.