SitcomD&D - S3 E14: The Button

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

In their continued effort to make some money, the gang agrees to participate in a psych experiment. The simple experiment might be enough to unravel their sanity and friendship. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Erin Keif Edited by: Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. It sounds fancy why I have a jeweler, but it's actually because I break my jewelry all the time. I forget that I'm wearing it or I jump into pools wearing like watches and shit. But it's been a while. I broke an important ring. And so I was like, I really got to go back in. So I was like, hey, man, you remember me? And he always says yes, but I know he has no idea what my name is.

Yeah, we say the exact same things to each other. But this time he gave me a kiss on the cheek. And I didn't mind it. I'm going to say it. What was the vibe of the cheek kiss? How did you feel after it? I was glowing. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, you didn't guess it. We're picking up somewhere different. That's right. We're picking up at Night Night School. Yay! Out time. Finally. K-N-I-G-H-T.

Night School. Then the next, you know, there's another night after. Night Night School. And we're going to pick up in one of Chip's classes that he's taking at night, which is his psychology 101 class. And that is written on the board. As we pan across the room, we see Chip has his notebook out and a quill and some parchment, and he's taking notes and the professor, Professor Gashan, is lecturing. And Professor Gashan is a human, fairly tall and slender. He wears dark horn-rimmed glasses and has long white hair and dresses in like a very, you would almost call it like a sterile manner. He's very clean and orderly psych professor.

And he's wrapping up his lecture now. Without further ado, we're going to have everyone quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Guys! Oh, what? When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup,

find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith

as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as Chip A. Horney. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, attention everyone, attention everyone.

That about wraps up class. I know I just called your attention. I already had it. But sometimes I just called your attention. I already had it. But sometimes I just like saying attention, everyone, to let you know that class is now wrapping up. As far as homework, the homework is there is no homework. Yay! Woo-hoo!

Psych! Oh, God, you do this every time. I'm trying to teach you psych. Oh, got me again. Trying to teach you psych. Got me again. Trying to teach you psych. Chip, you'll get it. You'll get it. Okay.

Oh, and I see everyone's kind of rushing out. Just as you're on your way out the door, I want to let you know that we are still taking sign-ups for the psychology experiments. If you want to be a volunteer, it actually does pay pretty well. So sign-ups are here on my desk. Two questions. Two questions. Yes, Chip. Yeah, what is the homework?

You said psych and then... Ah, very good. I told you I'm learning. Well, the homework is... Psych! There is no homework. Son of a... Okay.

We're having fun. And my second question is, can I sign up and maybe also some of my friends sign up? We're desperately in need for cash. That is not attractive. I'm okay with that. Yeah, me too. I'm not weird like that. Good.

It's just unbecoming, I'll say. But what am I saying? I've struggled yes you asked for signups i want to sign up beef is in the doorway with a bat like a school bag over his shoulder and he's like leaning up on it and i wave beef in beef hey you done with class bro i think we can go to the quad and throw a couple of rocks at each other what that sounds like a blast but before we do that we should sign up for this experiment because we can make money. Remember how we need money?

Oh, Wooga, yeah, let's sign up. Wooga, indeed. I assume this is one of your said friends that was desperate for cash. Yes, yes, this is my friend Beef. You may have stepped over him in the hallway. He usually sleeps outside. If you look in his backpack, you'll see that there's only a pillow. Ah, I am familiar with you.

Yes, you bit me once. And that's exactly why Beef is a perfect candidate, as am I, for this psych experiment. Well, all right. Again, we are currently taking sign-ups, so just put your name here. And you said some other folks would be interested. So sign them up as well. Yeah, I'll sign everybody up. And I go and I write down everybody's name. I think about giving Beef the pen to write his name down.

But I think, why waste time like that? And I just write Beef's name down. Yeah, Beef's already like walking the perimeter of the classroom, touching everything and asking questions about it to the professor. Oh, where'd you get the snow globe? It's cute. Oh, I actually made that in a snow globe making class. Oh my God, you're a maker of globes, huh? Yeah, they offer it just down the hall.

Wait, Mr. Gashon, are you a student here too? A good teacher never stops learning. Tip right's head down. All right, we'll see you tomorrow then for the psych experiment excellent do we need to bring anything prepare anything come up with any wild stories oh we got plenty of those kind of the opposite don't need you to come up with a wild story for any of this just be yourselves okay i'll do my best to try and convince my friends to not act weird and be different well if they are different, let them be different.

Everyone should come and not try to outsmart the experiment, you know? Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah. No promises. Yeah. But yeah. Okay.

All right. Well, we'll see you then. I grab Beef's hand and lead him outside. I was going to say we're holding hands when we leave. So what'd you learn today, buddy? I got to learn that when he says psych to not believe him, but also sometimes he also follows that up with truth. Do you know what I mean? Huh, doesn't he do that every week?

Okay, can you hear what's going on in there? Oh, honey, I can hear everything. I can hear you asking questions and then not knowing the answer. It's crazy. Well, that's what questions are for, B, if you're not supposed to know the answers to the questions you ask. I feel like that's kind of embarrassing for you B, if you're not supposed to know the answers to the questions you ask. I feel like that's kind of embarrassing for you to

be in front of the class asking questions, not knowing the answers. What's the point of asking a question if you know the answer? Why would you do that? Why would I ask you a question? Are they still holding hands? Yeah. Now we're holding both hands, actually. Walking sideways. Spinning through the quad.

Yelling at each other. In the middle of the night. That's so funny. Beautiful. All right. We pick up the next day and you guys enter the psych lab to be greeted by Professor Gashan. Oh, hello, Chip. One of my favorite students and these must be the friends you were talking about.

Wait, what? Really? Yes, really. You ask such favorite students, and these must be the friends you were talking about. Wait, what? Really? Yes, really. You ask such good questions. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, guys. This is one of my favorite professors in the whole wide world.

Number one, just like I'm his favorite student, this is- He smelled like ass. Seb, shut up. Like fart ass. You said- Seb, shut up. He smells like fart ass. Seb. What? This is Seb. We used feels like fart ass. Seb, shut up.

Seb. What? This is Seb. We used to be closer. This is Chalice. How do you do? I cannot wait to outsmart whatever experiment this is. Oh, I don't know if Chip said, that's actually not the point of the experiment.

I did explicitly say that to him. Right. Yeah, not the point. And Chalice is like tapping her head like she knows. No, really. It's really not the point. Please, you will skew the results if you try to get ahead of it. Yeah.

These guys are playing chess and I'm playing checkers, professor. Yeah. Oh, boy. And you already met Beef. And then I signed up this little rat. Do rats count for this experiment? Yaboo! I want to win.

How much gold can I win? How much gold can I win? Um, well, there is a value to doing this for you. We would like to pay you for your time, which is 25 gold pieces per person. Whoa. They start doing the money dance. Money. Yeah. Yeah. in the money dance. Well, that was fun. Cool.

So, how about we get you all started in just a couple minutes? Right this way. And he leads you to a room where he keeps the door open and all of you go in single file. And then the door closes behind you and you see that you're in an all white room. Again, one of those rooms where it's hard to tell where the walls meet the floor because everything's so white.

And you also notice that Professor Gashon didn't walk in with you. And when you look back, it's actually impossible to tell where the door you came in from is. It started. It started. It started. It started. Maybe he killed us and this is purgatory. Can Chalice

pinch Chip really hard to see if they're dead? Yes. Ow! Oh, not dead. Okay, great. Take one pinch damage, Chip. What? A tiny little pinch. Why don't you pinch yourself?

That wouldn't have worked, dummy. And Chalice is like looking around and smiling at maybe hopefully there's a mirror in the wall or something. She thinks she's being watched. So, why don't you roll

for perception? Ooh, 24. Damn, Chalice. One. She thinks she's being watched. So why don't you roll for perception? Ooh, 24. Damn, Chalice. One. 22. Chip, you are stunned. Chalice, when you look around, you go and you feel the wall,

and it's a pretty normal, just painted white wall. And the room you're getting a feel for it isn't too large, but it isn't too small. Probably the size of like a really good size living room. And you notice something, Chalice. In the center of the room, there is a button. And this button has something written on it. Is the button on a table or is it on the ground? The button is on a table, but the table is also white.

The button itself is red. Now, Chels, do you want to investigate this button? Yeah. I'm going to go over and take a little look. Okay. Give me an investigation check. 15. Okay. You see that this button is in fact an active button and it looks like it will trigger something. However, you do notice very early on in your investigation, what's written on the button on the face of it says, do not push this button. Oh, a button and beef runs to it. I want to press it. Please, please, Chalice, please. Hold on. Let's think about this. And Chalice turns and mugs towards one of the walls, thinking again that they're being watched somehow. This button says do not press.

So... I'm going to be honest. That makes me want to push it. Same. That's got to be the experiment. That's got to be it. It's like reverse psychology. I learned about this in my psychology class that I'm taking.

Well, what is it all about? Yeah. When something says something, do the opposite? Or, no, it makes you by doing it, you shouldn't press the button. Chip asks a lot of questions he doesn't know the

answer to. Okay, hold on. Whoa. Everyone raises a good point which is, if we press it, do we lose? Yeah, it sort of feels like Chip wants to press it because he doesn't pay attention in his night classes. I am paying attention. I am paying attention. How much money are we spending on these night

classes, by the way? Oh, I got a scholarship. Oh my god, you did? Oh, cool. That's amazing. It's a hero scholarship. That's what they call it. There's actually, I got a big plaque and it says hero on it. Do they know what really happened and how you really aren't? Okay, it's a zero scholarship.

It's for somebody that lied about being a hero. That is sad even for you. That's okay. We should press the button. Yeah, can we please just press the button so we can stop talking about this? Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold on. Maybe we are dead. This is purgatory.

And if we press that button, we go straight to H-E double hockey stick. Hell. We go to hell. It's hell, B. Hell? What's hell? An underworld, a bad place, opposite of good, in heaven.

Heaven? Well, there's gotta be more to this button, right? It can't just be a button that we do not push and then we push. I look under the table. Good idea. There is nothing under the table. Okay. Let's just press the button.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen? We go to hell? That's not too bad. I think the worst that happens is we lose. We lose the game. We don't get the gold. Well, we're here. We showed up.

We should get the gold. We showed we're here. We showed up. We should get the gold. We showed up. Yeah. We're participants. I don't know how any of this works. I'm getting angry. Maybe this is the type of thing to see how long we can last before pressing the button. Or maybe it's one of those things where if we turn on each other, that's not what they want.

Or that is what they want. Either way, it seems like the end of this is going to be somebody pressing this button. So how about we all, before we get into a big fight, before we spent 10 hours here not pressing the button, what if we all disagree and together we press the button together and know that that's going to get us to the next step of whatever this is? Or maybe we should all start being nice to each other. That way when we press the button, we go to heaven and not hell. Oh.

God, this heaven place sounds cool. That's a great idea, beautiful Seb. Why, thank you, Mr. Chip. And might I say your ass is not lumpy. What? Thank you. Nor is yours. We shouldn't lie. We shouldn't lie. It? Thank you. Nor is yours.

We shouldn't lie. We shouldn't lie. It should be nice things that are true. Yes. Let me rephrase that. Hey, Chip, I like how lumpy your ass is. Okay. Better.

That felt organic. That felt really good. Yeah, that felt better. And Beef, I am so proud of you for going to night school. Incredible. I sleep outside in the hallway. Oh, thank you, Chalice. And I think you are so accurate.

Oh, ditto, ditto. Chalice is so accurate. That is the word. What the f*** does that mean? What the f*** does that mean? What the f*** does that mean? You're very accurate. Yeah, your accuracy is, like, on fleek. Chalice pushes the button.

Oh! No! We didn't even talk about me! When Chalice pushes the button, you hear a rumbling, and the walls are replaced with new walls. They like kind of rotated as if you were rotating a side of a cube. They're equally as white and they're equally as blank. And when you look down, you notice that the button is still there, but the button is now green and written over the face of the button.

It says, push this button. I push it. And when you push this button, the walls rotate and they're just as white and just as blank. And the button is now red and says, do not push this button. I push the button. And when you push this button, the walls, they rotate. And the walls are just as white and blank. And the button is now green and says, push this button.

And I push this button. And when you push this button, the walls rotate. And they are just as white and as blank as the walls before. And the button is now green and says, push this button. Chalice grabs Jennifer out of the air because Jennifer is seemingly about to push the button. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No one talked about me and I'm the only one who didn't get to push the button.

This is making me so mad. Jennifer, we invited you, didn't we? Why are you still so insecure about this? No, no, you didn't. Maybe you should take one of your rage naps. Fine. Jennifer, Jennifer. I wake Jennifer up.

Jennifer, Jennifer. You're not supposed to wake someone up from a rage nap. Yeah, Chip. Oh, my God. What are you doing, Chip? I'm holding Jennifer by her tail. Jennifer, I signed you up. I actually thought of you this time, and I wrote your name down.

I promise. I mean, could it be that I really wanted 25 more gold pieces? Yeah, but also, I actually thought of you. That actually really means a lot, Chip. And Jennifer hits the button. And when she hits the button, the walls rotate. And they're just as white, and they're just as blank as before. And the button is now a red button.

It says, do not press this button. Okay, so we all got that out of our system? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so. I think I cracked it. Oh, beef, what is it? When you press the button, the walls change, but they're the same. And then when you press the button again, they change, but they're the same. And then when you press the button again, they change, but they're the same.

Salt. Easy peasy. You are benefiting so much from night school beef. You're doing so good. That's that accuracy, Chalice. I agree 100%. Yeah, I guess I'm being accurate, which is such a weird thing to say about a person. You can compliment them about anything.

How strong they've been since calling off their wedding. How they joined something that's definitely not a pyramid scheme and it's going really well. I think you're really reading into it, Chalice. It is what it is. You're an accurate person. Oh, I see. They told you to say this to me. The whole psych experiment is about me.

Uh-oh. And you are all working for them, and you're a part of it. Ha-ha! Okay! And Chalice starts banging on the walls. I win! I learned it! I got it! You guys, we let Chalice win? Damn it! I wanted to win! No, there isn't winners, and that's part of Psych 101, is nobody wins, right? It's like, that's part of life, no there isn't winners and that's part of psych 101 is nobody wins right it's like that's part of life is there are no winners and losers we're all just a bunch of

losers whatever you say communist we don't even know why we're even in here he just said walk into this room like so we don't even know if there's winners losers death or whatever this hell or heaven we're talking about why would you you say death? Are you trying to kill me? Not you. Wait, which one of us are you trying to kill? Who are you trying to kill, B? Who's trying to kill who? I'm not trying to kill anybody.

I like my friend. What if maybe just to be safe, we split this room into five? That's so nice to say five, especially when there's four corners. That would have been so easy and thank you. Right, so what we'll do is we'll all get a full quarter of the room, and then, Jennifer, you just get the table with the button. Woo-hoo!

That's like the most important part. No, that feels like a bad idea, but okay. Okay. That way, we can all convert to the table, and we don't have to worry about murdering each other. Not that that's like something that would happen or could happen. I don't think anybody here could actually ever kill me, but like— What?

You don't think so? We could all kill you, Chip. Yeah. Wouldn't be that hard. You think you could kill me? Raise your hand if you think you can kill me. Everyone raises their hand. Everybody.

Kate Chalice immediately said, beef. Jennifer. Try me, motherfucker. Now that's, this is reverse psychology. I get it. You guys were told to say that you think you can reverse psychology. I get it. You guys were told to say that you think you can kill me. I get it. This is about me.

And I start banging on the walls. I win. I win. Experiment over. Damn it. I get it now. You guys were going to let Chip win? Come on.

Okay. We split up. I take that corner. You take that corner. You take that corner. You take that corner. You take that corner. You take that corner. I don't want to be alone. I want Seb to come with me.

And I want to be with Chalice. Remember, you can converge at the table. It's like a meeting. It's a common place. We're merging our corners, Chalice and I. Yes. So they get like a half? Exactly.

What? Beef, what do you want to do? We could go have these on our side. Okay. You get half of my quarter. Okay. So we still get our own Okay, you get half of my quarter. Okay. So we still get our own space, but half of it we share. Okay, you two share half, you two share half, and I rule over all.

This whole thing is my domain, and you all pledge allegiance to me. You shouldn't have woken her up from her rage nap, man. Yeah. She doesn't let it be. She doesn't woken her up from her rage nap, man. Yeah. She doesn't let it be. She has to get a full rem in her rage nap. Naps. No, that's it. Naps. We just sleep through this whole thing. Oh. Oh my god. It's the middle of the night. We may as well get some Z's.

We're not working. This is our sleepy time. Let's just sleep. That's not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And then we'll wake up and they'll have breakfast ready for us at the door and they'll let us out. That's a great idea. Yeah, and in case somebody's listening in, that's pretty interesting

to listen to us sleep for a couple hours. Like a sleep study. Chalice hits the button. And the walls rotate and they're just as white and as blank as before and the button on the table turns green and says, push this button.

Damn it. What did you think was going to happen? I don't know, confetti. Confetti? Yeah, confetti would be tight. Well, if we're here all night and then Beef takes out his pillow from his backpack and he goes to his corner and he throws it down

and he kind of like does the dog thing where he walks around it and then he gets all comfy. Don't worry, Chalice. I'll take first watch and I take a knife out of my boot. Yeah. Make sure these animals don't come over our side. Yeah. As if. Your side sucks.

I'm not coming to your side. Are you kidding me? Look how big these two corners are. These are the good ones. They're the same. Are you? No, they how big these two corners are. These are the good ones. They're the same. Are you? No, they're not. Look at yours.

Yours is already basically the poo and pee corner. Wait, who peed and pooped in my corner? I did. What? We're all raising our hands. I want a different corner. No, you already claimed it. It doesn't work like that, man.

I didn't realize there was poop and pee in my corner. Request denied. Okay. Okay, fine. I'll just kind of avoid that. Chip's got a point, Seb. Your side sucks. And Jennifer runs as fast as she can

and torpedoes right into Beef, who's cuddled up. So she's a cozy little spoon to Beef. All right. So I guess good night. All right, guys. Good night. Maybe we should elect a leader. Yes.

An election. Yes. Everyone picks up their sleeping stuff. Absolutely. Absolutely. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you?

And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. I doubted the efficacy of that, but that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. I would like to nominate myself as leader. I think that I have the most experience. I was a princess. Interesting.

And I'm smarter than whatever this experiment is. Yeah, I would like to nominate myself because if it were not for me, we would not be here. I signed us up for this. It feels only right that I, with the most experience at this night night school and within psychology in general, deserve to be the leader. So that's my pitch. I'm Just kind of riding that wave and, you know, rule of threes sort of thing. I would also like to throw my hat into the ring for leader of this group. I'm smart. I'm spry. I am a former small business owner, and I could really take the W right now.

Please. So you want a pity win, but okay. Yeah. Yeah, I do, dude. My vote's for Chalice. What? B, we're just doing nominations. We're doing nominations.

Yeah, I nominate Chalice because she's so accurate. Now, what the f*** does that mean, B? And I'm f***ing serious, and I will fight you, and Chalice starts swinging at B. Whoa. I nominated you. Stay on your half. What the hell?

Are you trying? I get it. You think you're better than me because we're not close anymore. Because you're gone most nights at night school or whatever the hell you're doing. Okay, I get it. You think you're too good for Chalice now and you're trying to get under my skin. Chalice, do you see what's happening? Maybe they want us to get under our skins. Oh, well, do you see what's happening? Maybe they want us to get under our skins.

Oh, well, it's working. It's working. Well, I nominate myself as the incumbent. And I think I bring a lot to the table. For one, I'm fair. I'm just. I'm just a little rat who can't help but be adorable. Oh, that was pretty cute.

But in all seriousness, I know how to get tough when times get tough. And I know how to get buff when times are rough. Are rough! Yeah! Oh, sorry. I fell asleep again.

I nominate Beef just because I think it would be nice if Beef were nominated. Oh. Thanks. Thank you. Yeah. I agree. I also think Beef is really good at managing Seb, so maybe he'd be good at managing all of us. I actually don't like the way that you've been managing me, all right?

Whoa. This is a surprise to us. Yeah, it's been going so well. I thought we all were. I thought you liked it. Yeah. I gotta be honest. I thought you loved it.

What cactuses are you eating? What freaking psychedelic toads are you licking? My goodness. Dude, you need structure. Let's be honest. You need structure, and Beef has been doing that. Gives me no structure. Every day, I come to a note that says,

I'm going to attack you at some point today. And then it never happens. I'm just on edge the whole time. And while we're cashing checks, Beef, you do 90% of the doo-doos inside of the store. I've regressed. I've regressed. I've regressed a little, but it's just for fun. Fun?

Hey, Seb, I just want to say that this is not really the setting to have a work conversation right now. A little inappropriate. We should probably be getting in the office to hear your complaints. You're upsetting the other workers. Yeah, Seb, beef might give you another strike. F*** that, alright? Well, what? You want to be the manager? Do you think you could manage yourself better?

Absolutely! First of all, I wouldn't s*** in corners and call it quality assurance. You just s*** in my corner. Do not undermine my argument. Well, hey, we've got a perfect opportunity right now to figure out who we actually think is the best leader,

which is just another term for manager. Oh, I get it. Can we vote for ourselves? I think we should all be able to. Yes, of course. Wait, why are we referring to Jennifer the rat, all right? It is up for us to decide. That's a good point.

Let's vote on whether or not we can vote for ourselves. Okay, yes. All those in favor of voting for yourselves. I'm sorry, Chip. I'm going to take this because I feel like I'm the best to speak for everyone. I would actually like to lead these votes. I actually would like to lead these votes real quick. Well, maybe we need to vote on this.

Let's decide who should lead the votes, okay? Okay, let's vote for who's leading the vote. And you know what? I think I should run this. If you want who should lead the votes. Okay. Okay, let's vote for who's leading the vote. And you know what? I think I should run this. If you want... Oh, I get it now. And Beef's standing there. I get it now.

And Beef presses the button. Oh, no. And the poo-poo and the pee-pee is just tumbling down the wall. Oh, no. The walls rotate. They're just as white and as bare as before. And the button... Oh, at least it's a clean coat.

...on the table is now red and says, do not push this button. You guys got me here because you wanted all to tell me that I'm doing a bad job at being the manager. It's all about me. This thing is about me and how much you guys

hate working with me. I get it now. Beefster is slamming on the walls. No! You can let us out. Beef won! No! No one wins.

There's no winning. I think with Saba, there's no winning because otherwise I would have won. But Beef, besides like pooping around, which I don't think you should do, I think you're doing a good job leading Seb as a manager. You guys don't know what I'm doing for the bar and the sacrifices I'm making to get the bar back. You have no idea. What are you talking about? You can tell us. What are you doing?

We're all doing the same amount of work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beef kind of has a moment of like recollecting himself and he's like oh yeah, uh, yeah. And Beef, I think that your managerial style is very accurate. Thanks, Chalice. managerial style is very accurate. Thanks, Chalice.

That was really nice of you. Oh, f*** you. And Chalice starts f***ing at Beef again. They start tumbling and fighting in a fun way where two dogs. Oh, Beef, what? Sorry, as you were tumbling around, something fell out of your pocket. What are those things? Well, I guess the bags out of the cat.

Whoa, is this Bazinga? Yeah. I haven't taken this since college. Yeah. Did they give you this? They planted this on you because there's no way you would have it. That doesn't make much sense. They planted this on you.

They want us to take this. Yes, they do. That's what this is. It's like an anti-drug thing. No, they don't want us. They want us to say no, Yes, they do. That's what this is. It's like an anti- drug thing. No, they don't want us. They want us to say no, no to Bazinga. Chalice takes the Bazinga. Chip also takes the Bazinga. Jennifer

also takes the Bazinga. Oh, shit. I didn't even have to lie to you guys. What? What was that, Beef? Oh, I thought I was thinking that. Beef does a robot dance to distract them from what he just said. Cool.

Oh, very nice. Seb crushes up the Bazinga and snorts it. It's the texture of bubble gum. What did I say, Sean? Beef knows what Bazinga does, and so he wants to take some to just to be like their drug fairy through this trip if they need it. I want the record to show be like their drug fairy through this trip if they need it.

I want the record to show that oftentimes a drug fairy or like, there's like one sober person. And I love that Beef's like, I'll make sure that everyone's okay by also taking the drug. Absolutely. Okay. Just as a recap of what happens when you take Bazinga, you experience haste.

So your speed, everyone's speed is doubled. You gain a plus two AC. You have advantage on dexterity saving throws, and you gain an additional action on each of your turns. And so, since all of the five have now taken some Bazinga,

everyone roll a D100 to see what wild magic surge you experience. 55. Seb, your hair falls out but grows back within 24 hours. But all you know right now is that all your hair just fell out. Whoa. What the hell?

Oh, shit. I think I'm tripping out. Looks like Seb just lost all his hair. I don't think my, I must have gotten a bum tab or something like that. Nothing happened. No, Seb, all your hair just came out. I haven't seen your chin since high school. Now I remember why we made fun of you so much.

Whoa, that's so mean. There's no chin. He doesn't have a chin. Wow, you look like a baby. Seb, you look great. You look insane, but you look great. Chip rolled a 42, which means that for Chip... Oh, no.

You turn into a potted plant until the start of your next turn. While a plant, you are incapacitated and have vulnerability to all damage. If you drop to zero hit points, your pot breaks and your form reverts. But all you guys know that's happening right now is that Chip is a potted plant. Ah! Chip! What? What?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Come back! Oh my god! Did my hair fall out? Not my ponytail! Not my ponytail! Well, no, it's not that. No, your ponytail is still there, but you are... It is? Good.

But you're a ficus, man. But, like, not a cute one. What the ficus is going on? I'm tripping out, dude. Am I a plant? Yeah, chip your plant. And you know what is good? Inchalus starts watering him.

I cast my cantrip, Druidcraft, and I make him bloom. Oh, I feel beautiful right now. You are beautiful. I think I like chip better as a plant. Me too. Holy shit. This is great. La, la, la, la.

You're supposed to sing to your plant. Yeah. La, la, la, la. I love you, plant. I love you too. Jennifer takes a dump in the pot. La, la, la. La, pretty plant. I love you, plant. I love you, too. Jennifer takes a dump in the pot. No, Jennifer. It's fertilizer.

I'm trying to help. That's mean. Take it out. Put it in the poop corner. Okay, sorry. Chalice rolled at 87. With an 87, Chalice casts fly

on a random creature within 60 feet of her. So we'll have Seb B1, Beef two, Jeff three, and then Jennifer four. One. Oh my gosh, I think mine's finally working. All right, I'm just flying and nothing else is going on. Whoa. Seb, you're going to get hurt.

You keep hitting the wall pretty hard. I'm pizza pie. I think this might be my fault. Chalice takes another piece of bazinga in a panic, hoping that that will keep Seb from flying. Oh, no. Okay. Why isn't my drug fairy stopping me?

I was too busy looking somewhere else. Four. For the next minute, you can see any invisible creature if you have line of sight to it. Sorry, Seb, you're still in the air. No. Jellic's eyes get super wide and she's just staring off. And perched on Beef's shoulder,

you see a little bean boy named Scrimpo. Wow. And he does a double take because he's so used to being around you and then looks at you and stares at you and his eyes get super wide. And he's like, she can see me. Don't make any sudden movement. He's petrified and trembling as you approach. What are you doing?

Why are you looking at me like that, Chalice? Not you like that. There's a bean boy on your shoulder. I'm going to kill it, okay? Chalice, that doesn't mean anything. Yes, it does, you stupid plant. Seb whizzes by while flying, going, Whee!

And Beef runs from Chalice and rolled a 69. Nice. That's tight. Nice. That's tight. Nice. Each creature within 30 feet of you becomes invisible for the next minute. That's so fun. So none of us can see each other,

but Chalice can see all of us. Exactly. So immediately, you all feel like the room just emptied, except for Beef. Everyone can still see Beef. And then Chal all feel like the room just emptied, except for Beef. Everyone can still see Beef. And then Chalice, it looks like nothing's changed. Guys?

What's going on? Guys! What? Chalice! Where did Seb and Chip go? I'm ascending. I'm going to heaven. I can't even see my own pot.

As the manager, as the day manager, I say we all reconvene at the table. Everyone, if you can hear me, meet at the table. Oh, very, very funny. You think I'm going to fall for everyone's invisible again? You try this prank on me three times a day. I can see all y'all. Now you come here, bean boy.

And Chalice tries to grab Scrimpo's neck. OK, roll for dexterity. 16. OK, you grab a hold of Scrimpo the bean boy. Remember, he's just a single bean, and then little shoes come off of it, and arms with white gloves on the end, and he wears a little sailor's hat,

and his cheeks are really rosy. What the hell are you doing on my friend? Yeah, he just looks horrified. He can't communicate. Beef, did you know about this? What? Little sailor bean boy. The chalice is really messing him up.

You leave him alone, bean boy. Why does she keep saying bean boy? Jennifer rolled a nat 20. So let's see what that is. You cast grease centered on yourself. Slick grease covers Jennifer and everywhere around her in a 10 foot square. And it's very difficult to get across this terrain. When the grease appears, each creature standing in its area must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or fall prone. So now everyone's invisible,

trying to reach the table, can't even see where your own limbs are. And now the floor just got super, super slick and greasy right around the center of the room. And everyone is, well, give me a roll, a dexterity saving throw. Since I'm flying, do I need a roll? You don't. I rolled a four. Chels, you slip. You fall prone. Right on your bum. I botched. Ooh, Chip, you fall so hard, the pot of the plant breaks and you become Chip again. I got a nine. You fall right under your bum and Jennifer's falling and slipping all over the place. Oh my gosh. I'm super slick. I'm greasy grosso. And with that, all of you stop being invisible and become visible again.

So what position is everyone in now that they're suddenly visible again? I'm like two inches off the ground and my butt is right over Chip's now visible head and I am farting loudly. Oh, whoa. Chalice is Winnie the P pooing and eating a bag of chips. She's taking off her pants because they were too tight, and she's just eating a bag of chips. Beef's on all fours, picking up Seb's hair

and trying to put it on the ball part of his head. Chip misses being a plant, so he's like slicking up his hair with the grease to look like leaves, and he has his hands up like he's a plant. And he's getting farted on. Jennifer is trying as best as she can to just stand still, but since she's greasy grosso, every time she tries to stay a little bit still,

she moves just a little bit and slips, and then slips again and slips. So are we gonna vote on who's leader or... Chalice, where'd you get those chips? Wait, you have food and you're not sharing it with the group? Yeah, and if you vote for me,

I'll share it. I vote for Chalice. I vote for Chalice. I vote for Chalice. And I abstain. And Chalice throws the chips to them. Bye, bye, my. Now that I'm your leader, I say we destroy this button. Destroy? Now, who has an idea of how to destroy this button?

I could smash it. Yep, try it. Chip takes out his battle axe and swings sideways to try and cut it in half horizontally. Give me an attack roll. 13. So, when Chip's axe comes in contact with the button, it's like that scene in Lord of the Rings where Gimli tries to hit the ring

at the council of Rivendell and he explodes backwards and his axe breaks. That happens again to Chip. Whoa! Oh! I miss being a plant. But that did count as a button press, so the walls rotate.

The walls are just as white and bare as before and now the button is green. I think we're gonna die here. So who wants to get married to who and who wants to start having kids first? We're gonna have to make a population. That's a great question. Yeah. Who wants to get married to who

and who should have kids? I'd love to child rear. I think I'm a good nanny of sorts. I wanna be the baby. No, we're not playing house. Yeah, we're not playing house. Oh, but what if we played house? What if we played house? Yeah, let's play house. Let's just play house. Okay, okay. Yeah, like me not playing house. Oh, but what if we played house? What if we played house? Yeah, let's play house.

Let's just play house. Okay, okay. Yeah, like me and Chalice get married. Beef is like the nanny. Seb, you're the crazy uncle. And Jennifer, you're the baby. Yes, I knew it. This whole thing was designed for me.

For you guys to become my family. We did it. It was for me. We figured it out. And Jennifer just starts banging on the walls with her little fists. Chip is genuinely hopeful this time. Become my family. We did it. It was for me. We figured it out. And Jennifer just starts banging on the walls with her little fists. Chip is genuinely hopeful this time. Maybe Jennifer actually is right this time.

Looks around like, that's it, right? I can't believe Jennifer won. Nothing happens. Okay, we'll try. I love you, my sweet husband, and I am so happy we have this little baby. I love you, too. You're going to be the best mom in the entire world. You think so? Oh, my gosh.

You'd be such a good mom. Oh, my God. You think? The way you talk about your mom all the time, I can tell that she made an impact, and you're going to be five times the mom she was. Oh, my God. Did somebody say crazy uncle? And then I come like a hawk.

I like pick up beef into the sky. What? He just stole our nanny. Uncle Seb. Seb drops beef and my whole body falls onto the button. Ouch. And with that, the walls rotate. And they're just as white and as bare as before.

And now a red button has taken the place of the green one. And at that moment, a rectangle along one of the walls, indistinguishable from the rest of the wall inside the room, pushes open and Professor Gashon walks through the doorway and looks up from his clipboard at you all. Knock, knock. I hope we didn't keep you all waiting too long. Are you ready for the experiment to begin? What the heck are you talking about? Is this the waiting room? This is not the waiting room.

Psych! Of course it's the waiting room! But we are ready for you now, so please, right this way. We started a family! I'm the crazy uncle. She's the leader. How lovely. Okay, follow me.

I am very excited to get started with you all. The study you'll be participating in is, let's see here. And he looks down at his clipboard. The how much does being upside down and underwater affect your pain tolerance experiment. Oh, my God. Okay, right this way. Son of a tolerance experiment. Oh my God. Okay, right this way. Son of a bitch. Oh my God.

Well, now I'm curious, Sean, what were you going to bring up? I was just going to have everyone see who could do the best. Oh, nice. Oh, you didn't want to bring up the story about how you had sex with Ben? No, I didn't want to talk about that. Elizabeth clearly had feelings. I really didn't want him to bring that up. What?

Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell ya, now is a great time to check out our Patreon, especially because we are inching closer and closer to our next stretch goal.

Yes, we are less than 25 patrons away from our next stretch goal. And the next stretch goal is a big one. It is the Steven episode from the Elizabeth's Diary series. From what I've heard from Aaron and Elizabeth, that is everything that we would all hope it would be and more. So I'm very excited about this. And for those who are in the know, I think they are as well. So consider joining because the support from our patrons is what makes this show possible.

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