SitcomD&D - S3 E15: Vice Canyon (w/ Jon Gabrus)

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

With Seb being down in the dumps, the gang attempts to cheer him up by having their old friend come in for a visit and show him a good time. And you know what they say, what happens in vice canyon, is canon.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Guest Star: Jon Gabrus Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I would say my favorite city, as in it surprised me and I have a newfound love for it, is Richmond, Virginia. A place I've never really been to before. I think I did one improv show there in my 20s or some shit like that. And they banned you after that. Yeah, exactly. I wasn't allowed back in. There's a hardcore music scene and a hip-hop music scene so i think that lends itself to some interesting individuals coming to richmond and then all those people who have who are creative interesting people end up finding other things to do in the city for

example i went to a place called cobra burger in richmond virginia which the fucking burgers were so fucking awesome. And everyone there was like, there was like trans, non-binary, super long beards and like full sleeve. They were all like heavy metal people. And it was just, and that's just like good vibes to me.

Like that's who I want making burgers is people with full sleeves. Look, hey, based on a few interactions, a trans person with full sleeves can cook the fuck out of a smash burger. I hope that's not being stereotypical or profiling but that was fucking a good burger no we can definitely chop this up to absolutely destroy you you're gonna be toasted Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guessed it, we are picking up in everyone's favorite family restaurant and gaming paradise, Chuck E. Buster's. But unfortunately, not everyone is as happy

as they should be in this place of revelry. And that's because Seb is still feeling pretty darn blue. And it's gotten past the point of concerning. We're going to pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Guys.

And that's just something that we do sometimes. We've become increasingly more embarrassed by it. And that is so funny. We've become so apologetic about it. And one of us always says something of like, what'd you think? Like, are you sorry? We know it's dumb.

We know it's stupid. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Pete at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous

on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef.

Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Hey Beef, hey Chab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up? Yeah, what's going on?

What's up, Chalice? You know, Sepp is really bumming me out these days. I know, it's absolutely atrocious. Yeah. Like way more than normal. Like, I asked him if he wanted to go for a picnic with me and he didn't even want to go. What?

Okay, that's a little strange. He loves delicate things. I don't know. Can we just do something? Or can we find a new friend named Seb because I'm having a hard time. Oh, both good choices. Beef's looking up at Chip, kind of smirking.

Well. Yeah, I wonder, hey, Beef, I wonder if we should do something about that. I think, wait, maybe. Maybe we have to. That does sound like a good idea. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm, hey, Beef, I wonder if we should do something about that. I think maybe we should. Maybe we have to. That does sound like a good idea. Oh, yeah.

I'm saying that we should. Yeah, maybe we should. Maybe we should. That is a good idea. Hey, guys. Hey, Seb. You guys want to see my watercolors? I've been painting a bunch of shipwrecks.

Have you ever seen a shipwreck? Yeah, Seb. Why don't you go get that? Oh, he didn't have them with him. I'm just going to have to go down the stairs again to my shipwreck room. Yeah, go get them for us. Okay, guys. I'm telling you. Big plans. Oh, yeah. We got something in mind.

Okay. We've got the best guy. The guy of all guys. You can't. You won't even. I'm laughing. You're making me laugh thinking about it. Wait, what is it? The whole place of Chucky Busters just kind of rumbles and shakes. And the front door

explodes open. Gabrus, do you want to introduce your character and what they look like? My name is Bruno Brussum. I'm an alcoholic, bartending, dwarven rogue. Yes. I'm short. I'm a little stocky. Youum. I'm an alcoholic, bartending, dwarven rogue. Yes. I'm short.

I'm a little stocky. You can tell I'm dressed in what I think is cool and fancy. But you even knowing little about the world around you recognize that this is not a style of any substance. But I'm clearly trying hard. And I have a lot of non-dwarven traits. I have short, spiky hair. I don't look hard at all. I look very soft, or even a mountain dwarf. Bruno!

Bruno! Bruno! Yeah! Oh! What do we have here? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Bruno! Beef.

Beef. Chip. Chip. That's good. Bartender, uh-oh, uh-oh. Bruno. Beef, beef. Chip, chip. Hey, bartender, let's get them going, baby. What can I get everybody? This round's on me. Chalice looks behind her. Yeah, bad news. This place actually got turned into a children's play facility.

What? So it's not a... Yeah. I got to meet you 200 yards across the street from this place. You gotta give old Bruno a heads up, okay? Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah, we should have said something.

I just obviously was embarrassed. Also, this is Chalice. This is a good friend, Chalice. How do you do? Hi. Wow. Bruno, you dog. Just a friend. How do you do? Hi. Kiss Chalice's hand. Bruno, you dog. Hi, Bruno. I'm a former princess and their new friend.

It's so nice to meet you. Oh, it's so nice to meet you, too. Yeah, I know Chip and Beef from back in the day. Hell yeah. I used to bartend outside this little gym that they worked out at. Oh. I got a free membership there, but we would go over there and

throw around leaden stones and swing the king's sword for mobility. Wait, are you the same Bruno who got so drunk he jumped off a roof and broke both his legs? No, I'm the Bruno who jumped off the roof and broke both his arms.

Oh, okay, well that might be what I'm thinking of. Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry. who jumped off the roof and broke both his arms. Oh, okay. Well, that might be what I'm thinking of. Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm thinking of two different events. You broke somebody else's legs. My arms, but the woman's legs that I was holding. That's right. Did you end up getting divorced?

Yeah, we did end up getting divorced despite trying that mountain dwarven ritual that everyone told me should work. But no, shattered arms, shattered legs. Got the cast off a few months ago, though, and I'm back, baby. He's back, baby. And Beef starts doing like a robot dance that they all start kind of joining in on robot dancing. He's back, baby. Yeah, baby. Did somebody say shattered?

Hi, what's going on? Oh, you must be Seb, my gentleman gentleman i take seb's hand and also kiss it oh okay well i feel a little less wow what a sensual man hi hello hi nice to meet you you're seb i'm assuming you're uh you know twice my height and uh a man so that's what that's all the specifics i had that is what we wrote down in the letter. Oh, man. Yeah, I had to have my ex-girlfriend read it to me. You know I don't read Common.

Come on. I speak it, but I can't read it. Oh, my God. You're still living with Trish? You're letting Trish to live with you? Yeah, well, she pays the rent. What do you want from me? I'm not technically living with her right now. I'm on the road seeing some friends, chipping beef.

We actually all met. We used to play this. Well, you know what? Who cares? Yeah, I love your outfit. You kind of look like a scarecrow. It's awesome. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I was hiding out in a field for a day or two after Trish's. I don't need to get into my specifics, but Trish's dad caught me... Wait, aren't the farmers after you? I thought the farmers were after you. Why would you hide in their cornfields? Well, because they thought I was a tiny scarecrow. And it worked. I was able to keep an eye on them.

They were able to go, wow, the scarecrow shrunk, but it seems to be working. Movement keeps scaring the crows away. Yeah, this guy's full of stories. I got so many fucking stories. Not all of them even involve chip and beef because I live a full life outside of them and before them

and after they left my life when they've been with you guys, I'm assuming. But for me, I got stories, I got connections, I got drinks, I got cash, and I got, I said stories, right? You did. Yeah! Okay, yeah. That's how many stories I got.

Bruno's here to pick up the party, man. Get us going. Get the mojo back in Seb. And Beef's like gyrating in front of Seb and like touching him. Yeah, get that juice flowing again. You got to get the juices flowing, Seb. And I'm not talking like the man of nature or whatever bullshit you're into. I'm talking about the juices inside of us all, man.

Inside of you. Yeah, like to digest food. I've actually been quite constipated. So, yeah, this would be good. Yeah. Oh, man, that is not what I was talking about at all. But by the end of this weekend, you're going to be having a blast and shitting your brains out. So I got you, man.

Well, cool. Are we all going to like maybe going on a picnic or something? Like we are going to do something for fun? Oh, yeah. We're going to do a picnic or something. Yeah. Let me go get the little tiny pastries right now. Cool.

Chalice is just not picking up on sarcasm today. I want everyone here to have a good time. Chip, Beef, you guys know me. You trust me. But Chalice and Seb, you can take it from these guys. I got you. We got you. He's got you.

He knows what he's talking about. Let me get a round of drinks. Bartender, can we get a round of drinks for my friends here? No. I am not a bartender. Oh, no. Listen to me, you fuck. I'm on my break.

I play music. My name is Geppetto Pinocchio, and I demand some fucking respect. Christ almighty. We're sorry. Christ is a friend of mine that I used to lift weights with. I don't give a fuck who your friends are. Listen to me, motherfucker. I'm about to blow your mind because it's 30 minute mark.

Let's go. It's that time again. Who wants to learn the Chucky Busters dance? We'll be right back. Pretend you're eating some cheese, then put your hands on your knees, and then get ready to scream, ooh, one, two, plus, cha-cha. Yeah, sorry, that's our puppet. You see Bruno wiping a tear away. Oh, my God, you liked it? Wow. I love that song, but I'm not going to try to get juices flowing

without sipping on some juice. The juice of life. The juice of drink. The juice of food. The juice of sex. I want to take you to Vice Canyon. Oh! Did someone say Vice Canyon? Nope. No one said that, Jennifer.

If you don't move, she can't see you. Jennifer, our rat, she has a gambling problem. A lot of episodes wasted trying to work out. You're right. I should not go. Can you just, like, tape me to the counter? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, we can tape you to the counter. I can't trust myself. Beef, can you get the Jennifer tape? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm already on it. Thank you. Okay.

Do you want us to use any screws or nails this time, or just the tape should be fine? Just the tape is fine. They tuck her in and do a little kiss on her forehead. Put it all on black. Okay. All right. We got to go. No, you guys have got a good feeling about black.

Wait. Untape me. Untape me. She does this every time. I got bad news for you, Chip. I'm rocking the little pony wagon these days. I don't know. You might like, it might be an uncomfortable ride over to Vice Canyon for you.

Oh, that's okay. I can drive. And also in this world, driving means we just pick each other up and carry each other. I could drive if everybody's good with that. Shotgun. I leap into his arms. Damn it. Oh, no.

Come on. Damn it. It's been a long time. How did you know that was shotgun? I have no idea. You were correct. I have no idea. You were correct.

Chip puts his ass in gear and heads to Vice Canyon. As you guys are on the road to Vice Canyon, you're moving outside of France and as you leave the town behind you, you're starting to get into Prickett Desert and I just want to check in with Seb here

and the gang and see how he's feeling about the idea of this trip. So yeah, this was my third stick and poke tattoo that I gave myself. And that is just the word sad. That's just S-A-D right there on my neck. See, I can't read common. I can only understand it. So I'm glad you gave me that heads up.

That puts a lot of stuff in the context because I also have a hard time with facial expressions. And you have like that weird upside down smile thing happening now. I got to tell you guys, we are going to have a blast when we get there. It's going to be full partying. No complaining. All right. It's going to be nuts. Bruno's going to show us all the hot spots.

Yeah, the watercolor conventions in town. So it just kind of feels like kids. Where did you get fruit? Why are you throwing it at me? I brought it as a snack. conventions in town, so it just kind of feels like kids' milk. All right. Where did you get fruit? Why are you throwing it at me? I brought it as a snack. Chalice, you brought so many tomatoes as a snack. Oh, is that weird?

I eat them like apples. Is that bad? She eats them like apples, like fully. Beef, you're the weirdest, grossest person I've ever met. Don't try to commiserate about how weird I am. I thought I understood how she ate apples, but Beef, you're making me think I don't understand at all how she eats apples. I'm telling you, man, once you see it, it's crazy.

Are we there yet? Oh, yeah. You basically are. But Vice Canyon can sneak up on you because the entirety of Vice Canyon, if you recall, exists within a canyon, so below. It doesn't rise up like a typical city. So if you're looking at it from the surface, there is no big structure on the horizon, but light pouring out of a huge crevasse, because now it is dark, the stars are out in the desert, except for light pollution coming from one big crevasse,

Vice Canyon. And as you get to the edge of Vice Canyon, you look down, and it's impossible for your adrenaline not to just start kicking into fourth gear, because the place is alive, and it's alive 24-7, day during the night but at night it's particularly special because it is a glow with magical lights of hot pink hot blue all the cool colors as uh as the cool kids say you know the coolest colors are coming out of this canyon and it is an elaborate uh almost like clockwork set of mechanisms that are taking people from one canyon wall opening and tunnel to another

so on either side you could kind of almost think of it like two enormous sprawling skyscrapers facing each other with rope bridges in some parts connecting from one side to the other a bunch of lifts operated by pulleys of wooden and metal cages dropping people off at different tunnels that lead to different places different exciting haunts whether that's a bar or a show or a hotel there There is just so much excitement and tomfoolery happening here that it's impossible not to just be jazzed.

Chip looks out at Vice Canyon and tries to identify where the watercolor convention is happening to avoid it at all costs. Roll for perception. Yes. Okay. Four. You have no idea.

You have no idea. All right, we're going to have to keep an eye out. Okay, everybody, make sure. One thing you do see is a couple people doing what they call rope jump, where they're on the side of the canyon, and they tie a rope around their stomachs and just jump off. Whoa. And the rope snaps at the bottom.

Some people are severely injured. Others, not so much, and have a great story to tell. Seb, you've got to try this thing, man. Yes, Seb, you would love it. That's really fun, but let's stick to more like tomfoolery. Oh, my gosh. Oh, do you think that Tomfoolery is here? I love him.

Tomfoolery is supposed to be performing at the Abyss, but you can never tell because you can't see shit when you're in there. But maybe one of you in for a vision having motherfuckers can find something. You guys trying to get a little lit? You want to get lit or you want to go get some food? Let's do both at the exact same time, Bruno. There's one place I know that we can do them at literally the exact same time. And I know the old manager there.

I used to supply them with their dark mead. So this is a great spot for us to hit up. Hell yeah. I told you guys. He's the best. Okay. I just walked all the way over to the rope, people. And you guys weren't even with me. What the fuck, you guys? Whoops. Oh, I just walked all the way over to the rope, people, and you guys weren't even with me.

What the fuck, you guys? Whoops. Oh, shit, sorry. We were supposed to be on Seb Watch, as we're calling it. Come on. What are we even doing, all right? Seb, the rope is for dorks, man. Everyone who comes, that's like wearing a lanyard

or carrying a big drink around the streets. You don't want to do the rope. Let's head to XX Smoke. Have you guys ever been to XX Smoke? No. We can cut the line. Yeah, dude. You can cut the line?

We can cut the line. If we're lucky, we'll be cutting all kinds of lines once we're inside. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay, guys, guys, guys. Here. I got us all shades. inside. Okay, guys, guys, guys, here. I got us all shades. I got us all sunglasses, because I think

this is it. We're the cool crew. The cool crew. Wait, mine are prescription, and it's not my prescription. Shut up, Sam! Okay, I'm sorry about that. So you guys board one of those lifts that's on that pulley system,

and the metal door clanks shut behind you, and you're in this lift with about six other strangers who are all partying and having a good time, except for one who looks a little sad. He was just in line for the rope thing, the rope jump, and has a really big drink and a lanyard. He might overheard something. He's out on a rope today.

But other than that, you guys are going down, and you are on your way to XX Smoke. So when the lift doors open, you know that it's just, like, down the tunnel that you're on and to the right. Fifth floor, bags of holding, ladies' underwear, and, of course, XX Smoke. Come on.

On the way out, I flip the guy's lanyard with my finger, ladies underwear and of course XX smoke. Come on. On the way out I flip the guy's lanyard with my finger just like alpha bullshit. Definite alpha bullshit. That's amazing. Seb tries to do the exact same thing but immediately falls to the ground. Oh god, Seb. What? Am I

bleeding? No, no, no. Just walk ahead of me. And as you arrive to the ground. Oh, God, Seb. Oh, what? Am I bleeding? No, no, no. Just walk ahead of me. And as you arrive to the front of XX Smoke, you can tell you're there because there is some sort of magic, mystical fog or smoke hanging in the air and glowing black. The color is black,

but it is giving off light. And this smoke says XX SmokeOKE in all caps. There is a line of about 60 to 70 people in front of this place. Are you sure we're going to get in, Bruno? Oh, hell yeah. Q. I got you. Don't worry about the Q, Seb.

We're skipping that. We're going right to R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z, baby. Hey, Sean. Yeah. If I want to try to use my charisma and or intelligence to garner something about the bouncer, the security, or the host at the door and lie to them, what would that be? I love that. Okay, cool. Great question.

Because I'm lying to you guys. I don't know what you mean. No. No. No, you're not. What? Give me an inside check on this bouncer. Okay, three. That's bad. Okay.

With the three, all you notice about this bouncer, who's just in a plain black cloak. He's tall. He's humanoid, but looks like there might be some rhino in him. And he's got a lot of tattoos. Dang, so Bruno, you know this guy?

I love this guy. Ryan! And I walk up and I go to do an elaborate handshake to this rhino guy. And I'm mumbling where I would say his name or anything specific about him. It sounds like you screamed riot. Riot! What's up, baby? Hey, come here, dude. This is my friend.

This is Seb. This is Chalice. This is Chip. This is Beef. Come on in, guys. You know the whole gang. What's up, bro? Hey, man.

Okay, so so far, he has not flinched, he has not blinked, and he has not made any movement towards you at all. He's staring at you. Told you this is my guy. Keep moving, guys. Just walk in. Just walk in. This is my buddy here.

I try to, like, jam a coin in his hand, like a gold piece or something. I'm, like, you you know trying to be slick about it uh we're gonna go ahead and say that you have three gold pieces total so gabers you do you want to use one of your gold pieces to put it in this guy's hand yeah i'll lean over i lean over to seb hey seb you got a spot you got like 10 gold this guy's charges a cover i got you i'll pay you back when we get inside you got like 10 15 gold This guy charges a cover. I got you. I'll pay you back when we get inside. You got like 10, 15 gold, 20 gold, something like that? I mean, technically I have that, yeah. Come on, Seb, man.

We're going to get after you. Your hand is in my pocket. Okay, just take it. Just take it. Hold on, let me count it out real quick. All right, yeah, 25 is perfect. What the? Oh, no.

I go up to who I've been calling Ryan. Hey, Ryan! Oh, my buddy. What's going on, handsome? And I'm trying to sneakily put the money in his hand. Roll for persuasion with advantage because he feels how much gold you're trying to put in his hand. 18 without the modifier.

Ooh! So he feels that cold gold hit his palm, and it can only be one thing, and that's cashola. And he just keeps deadly eye contact with you, but you can tell he's kind of weighing it in his hand, and he just nods to go inside. The line behind him erupts. They're all pissed.

What the fuck? We've been waiting three hours! And he just nods, and you have no problem getting in. I want to make sure I'm going to keep track of everyone's gold real quick. Beef, I said, was $4.98. Sab, I think I said it was $57. $57 minus $25.

Because I was robbed. And I had three, but I also now have 18 because I only gave Ryan at the door 10. But no one here knows that nice nice sorry losers see you at the orc pit ronnie ryan or whatever sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you?

And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited

to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Shit, Bruno, this place is bumping, Bruno. This place is bumping, man. You know all the best spots.

Yeah, I'm friends with a few of the other people that work here. A couple of buddies of mine from back in the day. Hey, Bruno. Yeah, Beef, you okay? Do you think that maybe we could do the VIP section? Of course, of course. Yeah, I see Bruno kind of like... Swe, look at, talk to himself for a second. Yeah, of course we can, B. Yeah, the VIP section.

Let's just get a quick mead rip at the bar. So, just so you guys know, XX Smoke, dope, new, trendy spot, man. Everything's in gas form, food and drink. So, you know, you wanted to drink and eat at the same time. I might recommend the mozzarella tequila platter. It's one whiff and you get a little... You say dope new spot?

Yes. Sorry, I just saw a sign over there that said 200 year anniversary. Yeah, yeah. But it's new ownership to me. Oh, come on, Chip. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, all right, Chip.

Are we here in fucking Vice Canyon to party or to read signs? You're right, you're right. It's in common. You probably couldn't read it. But yeah, I should stop reading. Yeah, I can't read these signs. I understood it once you said it to me. As you approach the bar, it doesn't look like there's a server there

until behind the bar a humanoid form takes shape, made completely of smoke or fog. And it is awaiting your order. Oh. Hey, can we get five anything? Something that's food and alcohol at the same time, whatever you recommend. The first round's on me, guys, if anyone wants to grab one later. I slide 18 gold pieces.

Amazing. Okay. So the gold disappears in the fog as it comes over the bar top. And in its place are five shot glass looking things. But even the glasses are completely made of gas. They're in a gaseous state. And they are awaiting your inhale. Oh, okay.

Chalice does hers immediately. Oh, I was going to make a cheers. Yeah, I was going to do a cheers for Seb. Seb goes down and just snorts the line of them. Yeah, I was going to do a cheers for Seb, but Seb goes down and just snorts the line of them. Oh, alright, hey, get after it. Beef Chip and Bruno

see that they're the only ones, so they cheers. The gang's back together again, and they cheers. Here's to swimming with bow-legged women. Yeah, man, I don't know what that means. I'm scared. I actually have a girlfriend now.

What? Yeah, she's real, too. Good for you, Chip. I truly always thought I was hoping you were gay, to be honest. Oh, I go both ways. I go both ways. Remember, what happens in the canyon stays in the canyon. Another round?

Yeah, how was everyone's? I think I had whiskey and peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I'm going to have everyone roll a constitution roll, and then whatever your roll is, don't tell us, but then tell us what you think you probably got taste-wise. I got a three-day-old Thanksgiving dinner with a really poorly made margarita. It actually sounds like it slaps. I love Thanksgiving leftovers.

For beef, it tasted like premium mud and piss. I love that the mud is the food. I don't know why I pictured the mud as the drink. Well, the mud could be either until you find out there's also piss. Then we know what piss is. If you're healthy. Ideally, piss is a drink. Guys, I think mine was table salt and a thumbtack.

I'm bleeding a lot right now. I'm not doing so hot. Right, Seb. Are you a hemophiliac? No hemo, but. No, I mean, I usually clot within like, you know. Yeah, we don't need to talk about how much you clot or anything. We can move past this.

How about that VIP section, Bruno? So as you guys are looking around for the VIP section, Bruno, why don't you roll for perception for me? 14 plus 2. Okay. You see a shark fin moving through the crowd. I kind of glance over to VIP and I go, I don't know, Beef. It looks kind of dead. No trim.

No fun. Let's get out of here. Let's go check out another. But you guys want to hit a show? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. So I kind of like hurry everyone out.

And even if they like stop and see something cool or like the bartender's like waving us down because I didn't, you know, it costs more than 18 gold or whatever. I'm just like rushing everybody. All right, guys. Perfect. Let's just get outside, get some fresh air. Ryan, Rana. Good to see you again, man. We're heading out. All right. Let these cuties over here have our spot there. All right, guys. Perfect. Let's just get outside and get some fresh air. Ryan, Rana, good to see you again, man. We're heading out, all right? Let these cuties over here have our spot there.

All right, good to see you. Bye, Ryan, Rana. Wow, you guys have a cool thing. You're like high school friends or something. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, me and Raman. Wow, we've known each other for ages at this point. All right, let's head this way.

Come on, we got to go down to the show alley, man. That's where the shit is really popping off. I've seen all these. You know, I actually starred in two of them. But if anyone wants to see... Whoa! We got a non-magic show, which is kind of, you know, thrilling. Might be even cooler for, you know, the magic users in the crew.

I hate magic, so that sounds nice. You got to warm up, beef. Come on. No, no, no. It freaks me out. How do they do it? How do I do it? You just blasted a mud and piss steam sniffer, Beef.

I think you're a little okay with magic. We also got Circus Sorbet. That's all in the name. And of course, there's Lightning and Frightening. I know Chip's going to love this shit. Shut up, dude. Yeah, man. You're going to love it.

Is that a strip show? Is that a strip show? That is an all-male, all- I want to go! I want to go! Come here, please! Chalice. Oh, man.

Where did Chalice get this large beverage from? Chalice is so drunk. She? Chalice is like so drunk. She's been stealing drinks off people's tables. And she has taken off running towards wherever this strip show is. She randomly has a tiara that says Seb on it. We chase after Chalice. Yeah. Well, she's going in the general direction of lightning and frightening,

so we might as well follow her for now, and possibly for her safety as well. We should keep an eye on her. Let's keep moving. So you guys head across one of those rope bridges that connect one side of the canyon to the other, and then you take another lift down about three more stories deeper into Vice Canyon. To the point now where you're so deep in it, it's hard to even tell if you can see the sky

or if that's just more kind of like you're down so far when you look up, it's kind of just abyss above you. Well, the sunglasses aren't helping. Sunglasses certainly aren't helping, but you're in the thick of it. You are immersed in Vice Canyon and you find yourselves right outside of lightning and frightening.

Hello! Lightning strikes and there's someone in the ticket booth waiting for you. Do I see some folks brave enough to dare enter Lightning and Frightening? Yeah! There should be five tickets under Bruno Brussum. Well, let me see about that. Oh, Bruno. It's too much, man. He checks his list. You hear lightning

strike again, thunder, and he rips off his shirt, and he's got tassels on his nipples. He goes, I'm afraid I couldn't find your name. What? What? That's the no? That's what happens when there's a no? That's the negative reaction? Okay.

Oh, you know what? It might be underneath my friend's name who booked it for me, and can I roll for guessing names? Yeah, do you want to roll to, like, what if you rolled to try to sneak a peek at this list? Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's better. Yeah, give me a perception roll to see if you can see this list then.

Oh, 18 plus two. Tonight's your night, Bruno. You guys glance down and you see that like my pants are all like dirty and ripped down at the hems and like my shoes

are falling apart a little but I'm still acting like I'm in a Dan Flashes outfit. You see, the only single name on there, there's like a first and last on most of them but there's one single name and it's just Garfool maybe it's under my friend's name I can't think it says Garfool thank you it was in common I'm sorry are common. I'm sorry. Are you? Wait, I'm sorry.

Maybe I'm misreading this. I have a Garfool. Yes. Yes. That's us. Yes. Yeah, that's my friend Garfool. Garfool, party of eight.

Yeah, the rest of us, I thought maybe, I didn't know how many friends you guys beef and chip had. No, sorry. We only, yeah, it's only the four of us. You always round down with those two. Donate the other three to charity. That's the kind of guy Bruno had. No, sorry. We only, yeah, it's only the four of us. You always round down with those two. Donate the other three to charity. That's the kind of guy Bruno is. Dang, Bruno.

That's too kind. Well, here are your tickets. And his pants explode off, and he's wearing like a banana hammock. Oh. Woo! All right. Is this another no?

No, this one's a yes. That's a yes. Okay. Come on. Beef, can I get 20 gold real quick just to tip this guy? I'll pay you back. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'll pay me back?

Easy breezy. Here you go. 20 gold. Thank you. I tip this guy 10 gold as Beef turns around. Nice. Where do you position yourselves within Lightning and Frightening? As close as we possibly can to wherever the stage is

Of course Yeah we need to be for a row You want to get up front chalice Let's head to the splash zone baby Everyone come on this way You guys pull up front and center And there was some like spooky ambiance Music and sound effects happening

As you came in Some like chains rattling And the sounds of doors creaking open. Are we about to be splashed with blood? Everything then just goes pitch dark and all sound stops. Oh my god. On stage appears,

almost like teleports it feels like, a ghostly, pale, young girl who's got pigtails and all black eyes. So like the eyeballs are just all black. I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry guys. This is f***ed up. This is a little twist.

It used to be different I think. What the heck? There's a change in the light and all these torches come on around the place magically, and hip-hop music kicks in. Very good, like, strip R&B music. And it's revealed it was a trick of the light.

It's actually, like, a 43-year-old man. What? Oh, thank God. Talis throws all 48 of her gold coin on the stage. That is horny. She's horny. Yeah. Slide a hand check as Bruno tries to grab as much of it as he can.

Give me a roll. Four. So you do grab a couple and it is so obvious and not only Chalice can tell but everyone in the audience basically just saw you try to grab money that someone else was throwing. Do I notice

that I've been noticed? Yeah. It's pretty jarring. I say don't forget these and I throw them to the dancer again. You almost missed these ones. Like, I'm just making sure everyone gets paid. You gotta have a good time here. Such a nice.

You're the best, Bruno. I love it. Classic Bruno. Frickin' killing it. The dancer comes up to where the gold just dropped. And this literally never happens. But the equivalent of a full day's wage, 48 times just got thrown onto the stage and so he comes to that area he abandons what's usually the first act of the show and holds out his hand he he thinks it looks

like it came now from uh bruno and chalice and extends his hands to both of you to come take the stage i give chalice the sort of patrickwayze and Dirty Dancing nod of like, yeah, this is it. This is happening. So you guys both get on stage. You take his hand. Before Chalice goes on stage, she looks over at Seb and goes, tonight's your night. Would you rather go up there? Yes.

Yes. Yes, I would. Oh, okay. I started chanting, assuming you were going to need encouragement. No, no, I'm good. I'm good. Chalice, you might want to get down and let's settle. Yeah, yeah, it's Chalice.

Chalice is devastated. That was all her money. All her money. She was saying that just to be polite. She didn't think in a million years Seth would want to do that. Oh, my God. So nice. Just such a nice friend.

Chalice goes crisscross applesauce in the ground and buries her head into her hands and starts just sobbing. Maybe chalice is a little myth that Bruno offered her up to. Now it's me and Seb going on stage. Whatever. And so the dancer's a little bit, he's a little bit confused, a little bit taken aback. But as Seb gets on stage, he saw how much money got thrown out, and he's like, I mean, whatever they want, I'm going to figure this out right now. And he calls an audible to kind of get to what would be typically the finale of the show right away.

A spotlight magically appears over a single stool. He takes by the hand, he takes Seb and Bruno and he stands you by the stool and then he applies a blindfold to both of you. Yeah. And he has Bruno sit up on the stool with blindfolded, and then Seb sit on the ground facing the audience, so his head's in between Bruno's legs facing forward. I wonder what kind of motifs they're hinting at with this show. And then the dancer goes, Are we ready for lightning to strike twice? And everyone goes, ah, goes nuts.

He sprints at the audience. But what you don't know is right in the front, like where the audience, where the stage ends, is actually like a trampoline built in to the audience. And he hits it at an angle and does a fucking gainer over the audience back until he, in one fluid motion is humping down Bruno and Seb. So it's one smooth hump that he like comes caressing down after doing a backflip on them. Wow. And we're blindfolded.

So we don't even know this is happening. Is it happening. Is it happening? Is it happening? It's so amazing. You wouldn't believe what's happening to you currently. This is truly frightening. Some context clues. I'm sorting out what's currently happening to me. But for a moment

before this happened, I was confused. He stops. He jumps. He grabs both of your hands, pulls you back up to a standing position, and he leans into both of you, and he goes, he grabs both of your hands, pulls you back up to a standing position, and he leans into both of you, and he goes, What do you say we give him a show? Should we finish him off? Fuck, I mean, I'm ready to cum.

And he goes, Sorry, I misunderstood the finishing off part. I thought you wanted me to. I was trying to hold it until the end. No, no, it's good. I just let it rip whenever. It's good. It's good. Let's give it to him. Do you guys join in and try to get sexy and try to dance for the people?

Bruno doesn't try. Bruno does. Well, let's have him roll performance. Yeah, and Seb's going to try. I'm going to be completely honest. Well, this is going to seem weird, but when old Gabrus made this character, guess what? I have a plus seven in performance. Oh, yeah.

That's literally my focus for some stupid reason. 13. Nice. Plus seven, so a non-nat 20. Okay. What do you got, Seb? Performance is not my focus of my character. I have a negative one, so I'm getting a crisp six on this one.

Incredible. Oh, God. Like a honey crisp apple, all right? So Bruno looks like he was born to do this, and maybe he was. It is a next level grinding performance. Bruno, I don't know if you want to describe how amazing this is, the visual on this. So I'm kind of doing the

genuine pony slow motion badass worm but all on top of the stool. I'm doing some kind of light pommel horse stuff where I'm smashing my teeth back and forth on the stool, kind of like the gymn gymnast routine and then I go up onto my hands on the stool and my legs are up in the air and I'm in a split and I'm kind of spinning around and then I

leap from that and put my legs around Seb's shoulders kind of like Salma in Magic Mike XXL I got my legs Seb's shoulders and I leaned fully back like showgirls in the pool. My little torso dangling off Seb's neck. Incredible. Chalice, you're going to want to open your eyes for this. I'm waiting. Hey, Chalice, isn't it wild that that could have been you?

Give me money so I can throw more. Please. Chip, can you give me some money so I can throw more money? Sorry, I'm watching the show. You can't tell how many, but a good amount of gold is actually you hear it hitting the stage for what performance Bruno's putting out right now. Meanwhile, during that, Seb is just kind of shaking, looking maybe sick, and just generally out of it.

I think that was definitely salt in the thumbtack that I snorted. I think that was definitely salt. Seb has to roll for perception because all the sound of the money landing is giving me wood, and I'm going to see if he notices. Bruno, I'm going to have you roll for perception as well here. Natural 20. Yeah, you know what perception as well here. Natural 20. Yeah, you know what's up. Yeah, you know this.

You know exactly what fraction of a chub that is. Yeah, that is a two-thirds chub. Oh, my God. We're about three minutes to midnight right now. Oh, my God. I rolled a 14. With a 14, you do make out a shark fin moving through the packed crowd towards the stage. I say to Seb, I think we need a bigger stage.

Let's get out of here. Come on. This place is whack anyway. I start scraping the money up like Jumbo's clown room. I'm just scooping a bunch of coins into my bag. Like, all right, come on. Seb, we got to get out of here. We got to get you someplace.

Oh, you know where we should go? Where? We got to go to the casino. Really press our fucking luck, man. We got money. We're having fun. I'm two-thirds. I'm actually coming up on three-quarters right now

talking about all this gambling. Let's get ourselves to the casino. No, I can tell. Let's go. The dancer smacks your hand that you're trying to pick up gold with. I think we're entitled to one-third, to be honest, sir. And he nods, and and he's like just get the fuck out of here bruno's just

like he's the cock of the walk now thinking he's like the true star here at uh lightning and frightening he's pulling uh uh beef and chip up on the come on let's go follow me we gotta get out let's hit the casino and i'm like like pulling them and like looking past them. Like I'm so not cool anymore. I'm like, all right, keep moving. Keep it moving. Let's go. Let's go.

And like shoving them into like the green room. Chalice has felt the spotlight on her face for one second and starts doing some like Shirley Temple tap dancing. And she's being really cute. And someone will need to grab her if they want her. I got her. I got her. We'll give you a performance check just to see how that went.

Even if it was just for a brief moment. Yeah. Okay. Don't mind if I do. Natural 20. I never roll 20. The people cannot believe their eyes. It's just such an unexpected treat.

It's like if you went to go see some like really amazing jazz, but then all of a sudden someone just walks out with an electric guitar and shreds. It's like not what I was expecting, but happy that I'm seeing it. Thank you for comparing my Shirley Temple tap dancing to an electric guitar shredding. And a jazz show. I really appreciate that. Thank you. You guys make it out the back door of

Lightning and Frightening. They're in the alleyway. Oh my god, that was insane. That was wild. Chalice, you got me up to 5'6", maybe 6'7", fully. I'm reaching 91% over here. And Seb, you were really good up there, man. Like, yeah.

Why aren't you making eye contact with me right now? You were like, you and Bruno were equally good up there. Okay, gang, what's next? What are we doing? I am thrilled. Watercolors. Okay, Seb, no, we got gotta push it to the limit now. I mean, I know everybody everywhere.

We can go someplace else or we could just, you know, get a little lit. Beef, are you still holding? You know, I don't want to... Holding? Well, you know, back in the day, back in the day, Beef's looking at him like, back in the day, but, you know, I thought because we were going to Vice Canyon, though, you never want to come without some.

We got Bazinga again? Yeah. Oh! Oh, we did this last week at school. Wow. I'm kind of scared for us, how regular this is becoming. Yeah, two episodes in a row, actually, now that I think about it. Don't worry, guys.

It's not a pattern. I don't want to push you guys into something if you all have an issue. I just do it at parties. No, no. Oh, yeah, me too. I just do it.

This feels like a way more appropriate place to do it, so I'm totally down. Yeah. Chalice takes it immediately. So you'll roll a D100. Chaliceice rolled a 14 you teleport up to 60 feet to an unoccupied space that you can see and also chalice if you fall within the next day you automatically have the benefit of the feather fall spell so what did you roll chip a three you cast mirror Image. 93. 93. Your size increases by one size category for the next minute.

So you're a big boy now. I got a 46. You cast Levitate on yourself. You are now levitating. I'm 84. Each creature within 30 feet of you takes one D10 necrotic damage. Oh, my God. Necrotic?

What the hell? Sorry, guys. One for Chip, and as Chip gets damaged, three of him also appear around you. Now there are four Chips surrounding you. Chalice took no damage because she teleported up to a balcony across the street, and then she waves at them and goes, hey, guys, I'm up here. And then she falls off the balcony. Chalice and Bruno kind of pass each other slowly moving through the air.

They do a little fist bump. Feather falling down as I slowly levitate up. And I've grown so large that I have totally just busted through all of my clothes. Damn, where was the bazinga about a half an hour ago at the club, Seb? Look at the hog on you. I can't watch that go away. I'll be heartbroken. I've always just been a late bloomer.

God. You are a grower, not a shower, Seb. That is for sure. And as you guys are tripping out, the hair on the back of your neck starts to stand up, Bruno. And you see a shadow pass over your back shoulder. You see it pass in front of you, and it's a shark fin. When you turn around, there he is.

It's Bruce. it's a shark fin when you turn around there he is it's bruce your loan shark in this world uh if you can't get a loan from a bank because you you know don't have the credit to do so you'll probably need to get a loan from some sort of loan shark who work in the streets. And so they're colloquially known as street sharks. And they look just like the characters from the 90s TV show Street Sharks. And this is the hammerhead version of that one. And he goes, well, there you are, my pretty. Hey, Bruce, what's going on, man?

Long time no see. We were just heading out of here. Good to see you. We'll catch you later. All right, guys. Let's head to the casino. Bruno, is this another one of your buds? Look at his jean cutoff jacket.

It's amazing. Is he wearing rollerblades? He is wearing rollerblades. And he grabs Bruno by the neck and lifts him off the ground. He was already level two. He was already level two. He's holding me by my, picking me up by my shirt, but my feet are over my head. You're pulling me.

Bruce is pulling me down. This little piece of shit owes Bruce a lot of money, doesn't he? Oh, my God. Right. Bruce the shark. Right. I'm sorry. You look like a different friend of mine.

That's where I know you from. Oh, yeah. What was it? Like five gold pieces? Hey, Beef, can you cover me and we can just get out of here? Sorry about that. This is the valet. It was 500.

Oh, whoa. Yeah, okay. Why do we have so many friends with gambling problems? It has to be us. It's us. It's the energy we're putting out. Wait, who's there? Oh, no.

How the fuck? Quiet. And it's actually in Bruce's pocket. You see Jennifer's head pop out. She's, oh, you guys? Quiet, you. And it's actually in Bruce's pocket. You see Jennifer's head pop out. She's, oh, you guys gotta save me. I'm into Bruce in a bad way. Did you fucking rat on me, you fucking rat? I just told him, I told him maybe my friends can help me out.

He's gonna kill me. But if you're Bruno, he's gonna kill you too. Okay, so Jennifer tape doesn't work. No. Good note. I'm sorry. I needed to kill me. But if you're Bruno, he's going to kill you too. Okay, so Jennifer tape doesn't work. No. Good note. I'm sorry. I needed to be here. Sorry.

I don't want to be crazy or anything, but is this just the bazinga talking? No, this is really happening, Beef. Beef, this is real. Yeah. Beef, this is real. Oh, my God. I think, okay, how about this? We let you kill Bruno,

but you give us back Jennifer. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Chalice! Bruno agrees with Chalice. I agree with Chalice. Bruno, no! Kill me, spare the rest, and let's do it now, but as I'm saying it, I'm trying to get out

of my jacket and levitate away. Okay, okay. You're going to have to roll an opposed strength check against Bruce here. He's got a pretty good grip on you. Funny story. I rolled an eight, so pick your poison, Sean. Hilarious. He grips you even tighter, and he goes,

You don't understand. If you're associated with him, then I'll get my money from you. Even if he perishes, you will acquire his debts. And it's 500 gold pieces. I'm going to get it from someone. The minute is up, and I just shrink down. Oh, now you're just naked. Okay, I take back what I said.

You are a bit of a shower. I try to draw Bruce's attention to Seb's pecker. I'm kind of like, oh, look at that thing, seeing if Bruce takes a glance away from me for a second. Okay. Chip, use your axe. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Let's roll for initiative. 12. 3. 13. I rolled a non-natural 20.

11. So, starting this off is going to be Chip. Oh, yeah, my axe. That's right. Chip pulls out his axe and does a 21 hit. It does. 11. Next does. 11. Ooh.

Next is Gabrus. I have double weapon fighting style. Do you think I could draw my weapons and fight him while he's still holding me? Like attack his arm? Oh, yeah. Awesome. All right. So I draw my little hand axe and hammer.

All right. Give me an attack roll. 14. That does not hit. I'm just swinging. And then Seb. I'm going to use, I'm going to get in his face, and I'm going to use my poison spray.

Okay. Has to be. Doesn't matter, he failed. Boom. 12 damage. Whoa. 12. You guys are doing some serious damage to this guy very quickly.

Lone sharks are so easy to take care of. We should just do this all the time. Yeah. I feel like, yeah. Look at us in the back alley, just freaking ripping Bazinga and killing a shark. On drugs and killing a man. Truly living. Am I next or is Beef?

It's the shark. It's Bruce. Couldn't he be dead? Bruce is going to bite. He's going to bite Bruno. Not Bruno. 16. Is the 16 hit?

Where's my armor class? 11. Oh, God. Oh, boy. Oh, God. That's not good. Okay, so that is going to do nine damage. Okay.

And then he's going to use his bonus action hammer time, it's the hammerhead shark, to swing his hammerhead back and forth, and he's going to try to hit Chalice and Chip. And so the first one he botches, and the second one he botches. He bangs both. Snake eyes?

This is crazy. One and one. He bangs both of his eyes on your elbows when he went to smash you, and it hurt him more. So I'm going to have him take a D6 of damage. He took six damage. That's the worst three die he could have rolled in a row. So he's holding his eyes, and Chalice, you're up.

Okay. I'm going to do Firebolt. Give me your little attack roll then. Okay. A natural 20. Oh, that'll hit. And then it's a D10 of damage. Let me roll.

Nine. If it isn't Little Miss, I never roll 20s. Rippin' two. Good point. Oh my gosh. I want a t-shirt that says Little Miss I Never Rolled 20. Please. The little

children's book thing. Yes, I want that. It's in the shape of D20 also. Yeah. Okay, Waleed, what are you doing? Go draw it. Get out of here, man. Bye. That actually sounds like a great t-shirt. Beef, what do you got? What are you doing? Well, I'm, get out of here, man. That actually sounds like a great t-shirt. Beef, what do you got?

What are you doing? Well, I'm going to, can I just headbutt him? You know magic, Beef. You do know magic. I just am like, well, we want to freaking. Okay. I'm going to do hideous laughter. Does it say a constitution saving throw?

A wisdom saving throw. Ooh, 13? It says wisdom 13. So that didn't work, and then Chip... Yeah, I'll just axe him one more time. I just like the idea that this shark is holding me with his hand, bit my face, and then Beef comes running over and is

like, ha ha! And nothing happened. And I go, sorry man, sorry. Dude, that was fucking hysterical. I have four hit points left. I'm like, blood's pouring out of my mouth and ass. And I'm just like, oh, that was fucking hilarious.

Thanks, Bruno. We were like laughing about it, but it was bad. Hey, Beef, do you mind moving a little bit? Sorry. Just one sec. And then Chip rolled a nat 20. We're lucky today. As you were having that conversation

though you noticed that he blew into like a look like a little metal whistle but it's not before that axe comes down and crits his ass so what did you roll for damage a nine so 18 damage so he crumbles to the ground chip strikes down down Bruce, and then Bruce lets go of Bruno. And as Bruno starts to fly away, Chip jumps up to grab him and pulls him back down. It's like, Bruno, you're in debt? Well, not anymore. Thank you, guys. Yeah, no, things are a little hard.

You know, I was opening up my own brewery, and it went under. I got into it. Yeah, the Bruno-y? Not Bruno Beans. Yeah, Bruno Beans, my brewery. We were making coffee-infused stouts and porters. Oh, that sounds horrible. Everyone had, yeah, it was horrible.

You're right, Chip. It sounds horrible. Now hindsight being 20-20, it was horrible. A lot of people shitting their brains out at Bruno's Beans. Bruno, before the next time you visit, you should really get your act together, okay? That I can promise you. Now, I threw down that first round of drinks and we never got another round. So if anyone, it was 18. So I guess divided by five. Oh no, I'm letting you go.

Okay, yeah, fair enough. As I'm floating up, you guys are still standing in a circle talking, but blood from all of my grievous wounds is dripping and landing and getting bigger and bigger splashes as it's falling further and further. I fall to my knees. Bye, Bruno. Bye, Bruno. Say hi to Trish for us. If you go to any more places, tell them Bruno sent you.

Definitely. places, tell him Bruno sent you. Definitely. And as Bruno floats up, up, and away and out of Vice Canyon, you hear a blood-curdling laugh coming from Bruce on the alley floor.

You look down on the bloody mess that is now Bruce, the street shark. He has Chip's axe lodged in his chest. Dark blood is pooling all around him. And with his dying breath

he says, I don't know if you noticed, but I blew a little whistle. And when I blew that whistle, you couldn't hear it. But that was the sound of your doom. It's coming for you now. The beast.

I found this wretched thing in the depths of the high seas, birthed from the wreckage of a terrible storm. And I've ruthlessly trained it to be a killer, unlike any other. So say your goodbyes. Anyways, I mean, if we make it, most of the vendors at the watercolor convention probably haven't

like, you know, followed up for the night. Seb! So say your goodbyes. Enough, man. Because I'm not greeting death alone. Do you mind I walk over to Bruce and I yank my axe out of his chest? He's almost here. I'm scared.

I'm shaking in my little boots. And you start to feel the ground beneath you on this canyon alley start to tremble. Okay, wait. Now my boots are really shaking. Seb, you're closest to the opening where this alley is. Why don't you give me a perception roll? 12. All you see is at lightning speed.

So this truly is lightning and frightening right now. You see glistening white teeth open up as an enormous all-black dire wolf opens to take out your jugular. Are we about to die? Sounds like just me, though. Just halfway through season three, Seb is just dead. Hey, it's been fun, y'all.

So nice meeting you, Ben. Yeah, yeah. Likewise. Leave the password for the Zencasters. At this point, you lock eyes with this creature and you recognize it. There's a flash in your head and you see it as a puppy. A puppy that you connected it with in a time that was really, really difficult for you. A puppy that was left for you when you had nothing else.

A puppy that was taken from you many years ago and has now grown up to its full size. A fully grown dire wolf that you know as Cole. I, in like a comic book moment, stick up my hand like right as like the dog is like coming for me and i tickle cole's chin in the spot that i know is gonna make him go onto his back and just go set be careful be careful roll for dexterity with advantage okay because you know the spot, but Cole is coming at you quick here.

So 14 and 18. So an 18 with advantage. So you reach out your hand and you tickle Cole and Cole falls onto his back and exposes his belly and starts whimpering and whining very excitedly. You killed it. I start doing raspberries all over the belly. What the fuck is happening? What is going on? Oh, you're going to kill me, doggie?

You're going to kill me, doggie? Isn't this the one that JR gave you before she left her ass? Yeah, this was supposed to be what made me realize that we were divorced um oh huh she was not very good at messaging things was she yeah so you see where i'm coming from yeah no i get it yeah well now i and cole's just licking seb's face cole you've been in so many of me and Seb's dreams. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You're not a big, scary dog. Beef, where are you?

I hear your voice, but are you in Cole's fur? You're lost in there. Beef? Beef pokes his head out. Not a scary little dog. Where'd you get that snorkel? You guys? You guys, you guys, I'm still in his pocket. Is there a lock on the pocket?

You can get out. Okay, maybe I'm just frozen in fear. I think it sounds like you're jealous of Cole. That's what I'm hearing. Is anybody else picking up on that? I'm not jealous. He can't even talk like I can. He doesn't have to.

Yeah. It's kind of unnecessary. And actually, it's kind of preferred. Look at this. Cole, do a flip. Cole rolls over. That's basically a flip. That is basically.

Can we keep him, Seb? Can we keep him, please? Pretty, pretty, pretty, please. Yeah, we'll walk him. Yeah, yeah. And we'll clean up after him. Chalice will walk him and clean up after him. I don't know.

Duh! Come on! Yay! Oh, my God. I can get rid of those fucking watercolors. Oh, I'm so happy. Jeez Louise. Chip hides behind his back a present that he bought when he stopped at the water convention

earlier. Oh my God. I literally was going to say that same joke. Well, how much did that watercolor cost? I'd say probably about three gold. I'd say maybe one. Yeah, it was a really nice one. Not everything has to cost within gold. There's also other types of pieces, Sean. If you're going to make stuff up like you just bought stuff, I can make up the price. You're a mean DM.

I'll do one gold piece. It was really nice. Okay, thank you. I imagine that everyone in the gang, Chalice, Chip, and Beef, hide their present, watercolor present. Yeah, Chalice throws it in a puddle on the ground. Yeah, I toss mine in the trash.

Just because Bruno's not here anymore, I don't think we need to stop the night. Let's keep things going. I'm feeling awake and alive. Oh, we got to do the rope thing. We never did the rope thing. Let's do it. I don't know.

I'm feeling a little hungry, right, Cole? I don't know. Cole, feeling a little hungry, right, Cole? I don't know. Cole, you want a pretzel maybe? Cole is whispering in my ear. Cole says yes. Cole and I would like a pretzel. Let's go get a pretzel. I hope they have the powdered sugar.

Me too. Me too. Beef Seb and Jennifer jump on Cole. And then we take off with a pshew. Oh, I just left. Okay. When Chalice and Chip are at the bungee cord thing,

Chip has been standing there for seven or eight minutes, totally frozen. I got it. I got it. I got it. No, I got it. Can we do twosies? Is there a thing where we do twosies same time? Yes, sir. Can I go with him? He's so scared. We don't usually do this, but we do have mother-daughter packages.

We'll take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm scared of her getting... I'm a little scared. Okay, I'm just going to admit, I'm straight up scared. This is terrifying. Yeah, here we go. I'll slip you both into this dual one then great oh oh oh surprisingly comfortable yeah all right now can you get off on your own or would you like a shove we're gonna do it on our own all right chip look at me okay look at me okay yep you're brave yes i am you're capable i'm capable you're safe i'm safe. I'm safe. And I'm here too.

And you're here too. Yeah. I'm brave. I'm brave. It's going to be okay. I'm comfortable. And you're here too. Okay. One.

Two. Three. Ah! Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. So you guys are plummeting towards the bottom of the canyon, which it's bottomless. So you're just plummeting into darkness. Whoa. And you are hitting your top speed. And it feels like if this rope is the thing that stops you, you may never walk again. Chalice casts Feather Fall right at the last

second. Nice. That slows you down to a nice gentle fall that will do absolutely no damage as the rope becomes taut. Are they upside down right now? Yeah, they're upside down, kind of just slowly

spinning suspended in air in the middle of Ice Canyon. Blood is in their head. Yeah, we're getting pulled up by the person working the thing. This is like the slow pull-up. It's really slow moving. You're getting reeled in

like a very tired fisherman is at the top. And you're kind of spinning upside down and you're surrounded like above you, which is really you know below you is just the abyss but all around you are all these beautiful magical lights that create Vice Canyon I'm brave I'm brave right I'm brave

I'm safe and you're here too Chip goes in for a kiss and Chalice kisses him back. Yo, check this out. This is a rap about pretzels. I like pretzels. They're better than heavy metals.

Hell yeah, man. Like cobalt. Let's go. It's more spoken word poetry, I'm realizing. Oh, hey, look. Look, our friends are about to jump. Oh, my God, how fun. I really hope they survive.

Oh, my God. Oh, they're doing it. I'm so glad that we didn't do it. Oh man, that's so cool that they did that. Wait a minute. Oh no, one of them passed out and they're administering CPR. I don't... Seb, I think...

Oh my God. Holy sh... God. Holy s***. Should they roll for how good the kiss is? Yeah. I'm going to say you can roll with advantage. Okay. I didn't even need to. I rolled a nat 20 on the first roll. Oh my God. Really? Soulmates. Holy hell, dude.

There have only been three perfect kisses since the beginning of time. But this kiss left them all in the dust. Something like that. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song, Elizabeth and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And we were joined, of course, by the wickedly talented John Gabrus, playing the role of Bruno Brussum.

You can hear and see John and his co-host Adam Pally on the True TV travel show 101 Places to Party Before You Die. I cannot recommend this show enough. It's me and Aaron's new favorite hangover show to binge. Check it out. You will not regret it. It is now streaming on HBO. Y'all, I gotta tell you right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. Why? Well, we are inching dangerously close to our stretch goal. In fact, I think we're like around 10 new patrons away. And of course, our stretch goal is releasing the much anticipated Steven episode of the Elizabeth's Diary series. In this episode, Elizabeth and Aaron get to talk with the Steven and hear his side of all the experiences he shared

with Elizabeth. From what I've been told, it sounds like it is well worth the wait. If you know, you know. And of course, the support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 60 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats! This week's episode is Will They, Won't They? Where the crew rolls a die to select two famous sitcom characters at random,

and we see if they have any chemistry with one another the only way we know how, by improvising scenes as them. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom, and then the letters d and d this is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests see our favorite poll quotes from that week's episode get hot and spicy memes relating to the show and see new character drawings done by our very own malid mansoor

okay i think that's it for now until Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.