SitcomD&D - S3 E16: Knight Court (w/ Ryan Asher)

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

After a wild night in Vice Canyon, the gang has a very sobering morning when Alberta Toronto (Ryan Asher) arrives for a surprise visit. With the help of Alberta, the gang tries to sue their way into more money while balancing the tension of her being there. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Guest Star: Ryan Asher Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnDSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ryan and I met actually at a show called Doppelgangers. Whoa. And the way the show worked was people in the community could submit improvisers that they thought looked exactly like each other or improvised exactly like each other and so i walk into the theater and i sit down and i'm looking around like oh this is gonna be fun and then ryan walks in and i had the specific thought of like oh whoever gets to play with her is really lucky because she's so cool and we get picked both of us to go on stage. And I said, with that? With that thing?

Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up with the crew on the long, dusty road back from Vice Canyon to Chucky Buster's. They've seen better days. When you're coming back from Vice Canyon, you're not at your best. You're a little hungover, potentially, a little sleepy, a little groggy, a little worse for wear. And we've got a bunch of different emotions happening based on the events that took place at the end of last episode. One type of emotion is elation that Seb is feeling because he's been reunited with Cole, his long-lost pup that's now a full adult dog. And then we've got everyone else feeling a bit awkward, you might say, for a very obvious reason. So without further ado, we're going to pick up

as the gang approaches Chucky Buster's in the town of France momentarily. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Ryan rolling. Dice. Ryan dice. Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away.

We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else

Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Could we pull over for some pancakes and kisses? I mean, eggs. What was that, Beef? What was that? Kisses. Kisses from my dog. Kisses from my dog.

Oh, slobbers. That's what I meant. Licks and slobbers. Yeah, because I haven't had slobbers in a long time or anything. It's actually been a really long time, actually. I could go for some food. I'm hungry in my stomach area for hunger. You, I bet you are hungry.

Beef, what are you doing? Really fun trip. Good trip, huh? All around really, really good. Yeah, a normal trip where we all had fun. Not too much though. Just the exact appropriate amount of fun and time. And a good time.

But not too good. I'm sorry, were you going to say something? Oh, no, no. Sorry. This is the worst timing we've had as a group in... What? What? What? What?

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Okay, yeah, so. What are you laughing at, Chip? I thought somebody may have said a joke. I wasn't listening, so I thought I would give it a shot. Chalice jumps off of Chip's back and just starts running to Chucky Buster's.

Yeah, come on, Cole, catch up. Yeah, yeah. Are you hyahing me? I'm hyahing Cole. Oh, okay, okay. He's so cute. Yeah, come on, Cole, catch up. Yeah, yeah. Are you hyahing me? I'm hyahing Cole. Oh, okay, okay. He's so cute. Ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah. Ah, look, we made it. You guys are still a mile away.

Damn it. Chalice is running ahead of us. But before too long, you do arrive at Chucky Buster's. And as the crew rounds the corner, Chalice, why don't you roll for perception since you are running ahead? 11. With an 11, you are kind of head down, knees up, sprinting to get to Chucky Buster's. Not really very aware of your surroundings at this point.

And you almost run straight into someone who's standing just outside Chucky Buster's front door. And that person is Alberta Toronto. Sorry, didn't mean to kiss you. I mean, bum into you. Surprise! Oh, it's just you, Chelsea. Or is it chastity?

Whatever. I know you're a virgin, so it's probably chastity. Where's my big guy? The rest of the gang rounds the corner and Chip, you see from afar, Alberta, Toronto, talking with Chalice. Oh, I sprint also to stop this conversation. Aren't you holding everyone? Too fast, too fast, too fast, too fast. I bulldoze Chalice over to get her to stop talking to Alberta.

What was she saying? What was she saying? What did she say? What did she say? I don't hear words from her. She just sort of goes like blah, blah, blah, you know? And that's why I love you. Alberta!

Surprise! What are you doing here? I just miss my big guy. I miss my piece of meat. I want to give you a big wet kiss. My lips are so tired of not being kissing you. Oh, one sec, one sec, one sec. I turn and I wipe my lips as much as I possibly can.

And then I turn back. My eyes are closed, but I've been kissing this whole time. Now here it comes. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What? You taste different Yes, I started

Pancakes I started a new pancake regiment Oh, I was gonna say, must be a new pancake regiment Ha, good for you Alberta! You came back Oh, you remember beef, right? How could I forget little beef?

Oh, God, I've missed you. I've missed you so, Alberta. What have you been doing? Any silly shenanigans? I've been taking improv classes. I've been taking improv classes. Really? Beef loves improv.

Ready for this? Zap. Zip. So anyways, Chip, there's nothing That you want to talk To me about Or about Or I don't know

What you're talking about Stop yelling And throttling me Okay I'll put you down I'm sorry I mean Chalice No I don't know I don't know

What you're talking about But I I actually I'm just gonna spend Some time You know With my gal With me and my gal

Oh great Not you Chalice Yeah yeah That makes sense. And we're not going to be talking either. We're going to be kissing. Oh, come back here. Give me another wet one.

Okay, well, I'm going to lay on the ground in my closet if anyone needs me. And Chalice goes in and runs up the stairs. Woof. Thank God she's gone. Who wants to get wasted? I actually did. Well, actually, you probably already know this,

but this isn't a bar anymore. Jennifer, don't, don't. What? It's a Chucky Buster's. What? So we could get you some pizza and tokens. Listen, babe,

I should have told you this before, but I was kind of just ashamed. We lost the bar. Baby, what? We're Chucky Busters now. No. Yeah, we're Chucky Busters. No.

Yeah. Sweetie, I didn't know how to break it to you over a letter. I felt bad doing it. Yeah, I'm no longer a bouncer. I run the games. I'm a game master now. I told every one of my friends that I'm dating a bouncer. So now I'm a liar?

You're not a liar if that's what you believed truly. You're not a liar. And I'm sorry if I made you a liar. That's not what I intended at all. You made me look like Boo Boo the Fool to all of my friends. I knew this would happen. I should have told you. I should have told you.

But, but, Alberta, look at these fun costumes we get to wear. There's purple on top, khaki on the bottom, polo, looking good. Doesn't your man look good in a purple top? My man looks incredible in any color, but that's not the point. The point is, I was proud to be dating a bouncer. But you know what? Oh, Jennifer? Yeah, you remember me?

Of course I remember Jennifer, my best friend. Well, of course, of course. I just wanted to make it clear that, like, Chip's trying his hardest to get Bottoms Up back. This is only temporary,

and if we can raise enough money, we're gonna get Bottoms Up back, and he'll be a bouncer again. He'll be a man of honor and prestige. Wait, all you guys need to get the bot back is a little bit of money? Yeah, like 2,000 gold pieces and counting. 2,000 gold pieces. Oh, that's

easy. I can help you guys with that. What? Oh, yeah. All we gotta do is file kind of like an injury report or like sue someone. You know, I go to Applebee's all the time and i'm like the salad there's underwear in my salad and then they give me money back what is there really underwear in your salad oh yeah it's always mine and you file an injury lawsuit about the underwear

yeah because i'm like i'm sick from eating this underwear because i ate the underwear because it was covered in ranch delicious sweetie this is an incredible idea. And I really think that you're just the smartest, most lovely person. And I would never do anything to hurt you in your entire life. But lawyers are expensive, you know? It might be $2,000 just to hire a lawyer. Oh, did I not say I'm a lawyer? Did I not say that?

What? What? What? Beef spits out piss. What? You weren't even drinking piss. Oh, yeah. I've been a lawyer since I was three years old.

I was a child lawyer, famously. A child lawyer. Yeah, do you know OJ Sampson? Only from the newspaper. Yes, of course. That guy who rode away on his white Bronco horse? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, I defended him, got him off. Wow. Yes, of course. That guy who rode away on his white Bronco horse? Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, I defended him. Got him off. Wow. God. You were the child lawyer who came up with, if the gauntlet don't fit, you must acquit. Exactly, Jennifer. And that's why I love you.

She loves me. I was five years old. Got him off. And he killed her. He killed everyone doing it. We basically saw him do it are you allowed to say that yeah why not a child lawyer that also is taking improv classes yeah i'm a multi-faceted gorgeous woman with the biggest tits this side of texas you're not still a child

though right chip what the hell kind of question is that? I just wanted to make sure you still described Alberta as a child lawyer. And you're not still a child lawyer, just a regular lawyer? I'm a regular lawyer, but I was so famously a child lawyer that I do dress up kind of like in a little hat with a wheel on top when I go to court. And I use crayons. So you're an adult child lawyer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you don't represent children.

No, no, no. In fact, I go after them often. But I'm an adult. Well, you know, honestly, anything for the bar, I was kind of part of it going kablooey as well and being a problem. But hey, enough out here. Let's get inside.

Let's get comfortable. Let's come up with an actual plan. What do you say? Yes. Worst timing we've ever had. When they go inside, Chalice has cut her own hair. She's given herself a little makeover.

What kind of haircut? She has the Rachel. Oh. Okay. Chalice, can you roll for dexterity since you're giving it to yourself? Oh, f***. Nice. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no. Say it. What is it? Don't lie. I botched, I botched, I botched! You really botched? I don't care, I don't care. Somebody's going to the wig wagon. Damn, girl. The gang minus Chalice plus Alberta is sitting at a table inside Chucky Buster's, and Chalice comes back down the stairs to reintroduce herself.

Chalice, walk us through this. Chalice has dyed her wedding dress like a fun neon color, and her hair is like the bowl cut that she got on that pirate ship in season two, but so, so, so much worse. Much more uneven. And she has done her makeup so quickly and so intensely that she sort of looks clownish. Hey, gang! Hey, Truder!

Oh, my God, it is. It's the literal boo-boo the fool. The clown! Who goes around and gives treats to toys. Treats to toys. Treats to kids. Shut up, beef. God, I love you.

Not a clown. Just me, Chalice. Alberta. Hey, girlfriend. Can I ask you some advice? Gal to gal. What are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah, you can, Chelsea. Can I ask you some advice, gal to gal? What are you doing? What are you doing?

Yeah, you can, Chelsea. What's happening? I just, like, need some advice. So, hypothetically, I kissed someone who was my friend. What? Well, I didn't kiss them. Somebody kissed me, and they're my friend, but here's the kicker. And you maybe kissed them back?

You're not going to believe this. He's in a relationship. What? What is happening? What would you do? Would you tell her? What if the kiss was so good that the whole world blurred away around you and it felt like it was just the two of you kissing?

And you know that he was into it too. What would you do, Alberta? Chip is stabbing himself in the leg. Well, as a child lawyer, I would say that the best thing to do is tell the truth. Otherwise, you'll be put in jail. So for making out with someone who's in a relationship, the law usually states that 17 years in prison. But me, Alberta, I'm a girl's girl. As you can tell by the way I've been treating you, Chelsea, I'm a girl's girl.

I'm not a guy's girl. I would definitely tell but also i think it's really sweet and cute that you and beef are such a thing oh i mean you're obviously talking about you and beef aren't you beef spit takes piss out of his mouth beef you're not drinking piss where is coming from? I think it's just coming from below. You gotta get that checked out, man. Yeah, that's gnarly. Well, squeeze me. Me and Chalice. We...

We're a will-they-won't-they. Isn't that right, sweet beefy? Isn't that right, my little beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy? Oh, he smells so much like piss. Oh my god. You two should kiss right now in front of us to prove your love. Yes. Yeah.

Do it. Yes. Without dry heaving. Chalice? Go ahead. Beef is looking into Chalice's eyes like he knows that this will save her if he does this like it'll make the situation between chip and chalice better so he's willing to do it okay so each of you uh chalice and beef why don't you roll for performance but don't tell us what you rolled yet okay but keep it in mind and then i

want you both to say how your end of the performance, how it goes based on your role. Ladies first. Well, thank you. This looks like the most passionate kiss. It's a kiss that brings a tear to people's eyes and gives them goosebumps. If this was like a TV kiss, people would rewind to watch it again and again and again. And it becomes the gold standard for kisses moving forward for everybody.

She loves him. I knew it. I cannot wait to hear what Elizabeth is about to say. It's like the camera is spinning around them as sparkles shine. around them as sparkles shine. And it's the most passionate friendship kiss in all of the land. Beef thinks about how he holds Chalice during a thunderstorm and he's communicating that love through his lips right now. I rolled a 21. I rolled a 20.

Whoa. I love through his lips right now. I rolled a 21. I rolled a 20. Whoa. So to clarify, what you're both feeling is like, okay, we need to perform this, and we do love each other as friends,

but what is outwardly being performed is this is a true love's kiss. Oh, wow. See, Alberta? Holy f***ing s***. What the f*** was that oh my god I'm weeping I'm weeping

yes it was as if you were holding her through a thunderstorm I don't know why I'm saying it it doesn't make sense it just came to me

and Chelsea I'll say this if that's how you kiss the man who's in a relationship then that man's not in a relationship with anyone but you. That was beautiful. Maybe we should all just kind of go around and see

who's got chemistry. No. Who wants to try kissing me? Crickets. Jennifer and Seb kiss. Jennifer and Seb kiss. Yeah, why not? Alright, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Let's just make it fast, alright? Okay, roll for performance.

Everywhere I go, I start kiss parties. I don't know what it is about me, but everywhere I go. Seb, what does the performance look like outwardly? I don't even move my lips into a kiss formation as I go forward. I look like I might be trying to just squash you with my head. And then I'm shaking as I just get closer to you. And I stop a good two inches away because I'm like, I can't go any farther than this.

You pulled the hitch. You come 90, they come 10, right? Precisely. Classic. For Jennifer, the camera starts whirling around in a circle. Sparkles are flying through the air. Oh, no. And when Seb comes 90, Jennifer goes the extra 10.

It's that time again. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. Oh, good. Pretend you're eating some cheese. Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys. You put your hands on your knees

and have an allergy while i play on these reads now this one here is an absolute must turn your face up to the sky and scream now cha-cha once great now let's try it together pretend you're eating some cheese and put your hands on your knees and then get ready to scream Because Jennifer rolled a nat 20 on that, just that moment for her looms pretty large. And she was thinking in her head, we're actually seeing who has chemistry here. And so Jennifer might be in love with Seb for a little bit.

We'll see. Fair. Let's stop talking about kissing. I think we should just stop talking about kissing. We got to show them how it's done. I'm down. Yeah, no, I'm on to it. Like I said, I haven't kissed in a long time.

Besides when we just kissed outside. You haven't kissed in a long time? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, well, outside we just kissed, actually. You keep saying that. It's kind of funny that you keep saying that. It's like, me just kissed outside. Yeah, we just kissed. But before that, outside we just kissed, actually. You keep saying that. It's kind of funny that you keep saying that. It's like, you and me just kissed outside.

Yeah, we just kissed, but before that, it's been a long time. They're, like, getting closer and closer to each other as they're, like, weirdly talking like this. Roll for deception, Chip. Roll for deception. Oh, no. I rolled a five for deception. Hmm. Something smells fishy, and it's not the fish sticks that I just ordered from for deception. Hmm. Something smells fishy.

And it's not the fish sticks that I just ordered from that rat over there. Not you, Jennifer. That rat is actually full of hundreds of rats. That's a mega rat. Oh, incredible. Chip, what's going on? You're getting all funky on me. I'm not.

Didn't we? Weren't we going to sue? Wasn't it that we were going to to sue? Wasn't it that we were going to sue somebody? Isn't it that we were going to sue? Weren't we going to sue somebody? Oh, yeah.

Chalice, babe. Yeah, babe. Babe. And Beef is fully going to act like Chalice and Beef are dating. Chalice, babe. Yeah. Alberta had the best idea

to get the money back for the bar. Oh, what is it? Oh, we just got to sue for like injury or something. Sue a restaurant or a location. For example, like I said earlier, I like to put my own panties into salads and then eat it and then get money from that restaurant for the panties in the salad. Does that make sense? Crystal clear.

And the thing about this, what I'm about to say is that they don't have salads here, but you should sue a Ross Dress for Less. Because that slogan, you're paying for the clothes, so you're dressing for more. Whoa. Holy shit. Yeah. F*** Ross Dress for Less. Are you sure? Y'all, Ross has been like

really nice to us. Says the woman who looks like a clown. Uh, yeah. Are we going to go break our shit at Ross? Is that the plan? Who's getting hurt? Who can take a hit? I can take a hit.

I can do this. It's such a good idea, sweetie. And you're so beautiful and I love you and I'd never do anything to hurt you. But I will hurt myself to save this business so that you could tell your friends that I'm a bouncer. That's what I'm willing to do for you. That really means a lot. Yeah, I'll break my little butt.

Must feel pretty guilty. And if we pass a place in a way that looks more suitable, or if anyone else comes up with anything, like, I'm open to ideas. Well, Jennifer, do you have any ideas? Yeah, it sounds like you have ideas, Jennifer. Seems like you keep sort of being like, someone solve the problem, but you're not giving us ideas, Jennifer. Finally!

Someone asked if I have ideas. Yes, yes, yes. Jennifer scurries away, and then she comes back with a huge roll of parchment that she can barely hold up. Okay. You've been gone for two hours. I got my ideas.

She drops the scroll, and then it rolls out, and it is a legible chicken scratch on it. These are Jennifer's ideas. Read it and weep. Useless. This is useless. Oh, don't talk to your girlfriend like that. Wait, I can't read this for s***, but Beef, maybe?

Can you read this? Wait, yeah, you got that hieroglyphics thing. Huh. Okay, actually, yeah. Let me look at this. And Beef puts on half-moon glasses to look at this parchment. There's no lenses. It looks like Jennifer wrote directions.

Is that a treasure map? Yeah. Jennifer, did you write a treasure map? Yes, I did. I totally forgot about this. Is there treasure at the end of it? Is there 2,000 gold pieces we don't have to sue anybody? Yes, there was.

Was. Okay. Oh, God. You guys, we waited around for two and a half hours. Let's go to Ross Dress for us. Yeah, let's just go to Ross. Okay, so you arrive at Ross, which in the open market, Ross has a tent that's been put up, but

there's clothes and textiles and wares out there that the tent ultimately leads you and guides you in to a larger stone brick and mortar store. That is Ross's Dress for Less. Check it out, you guys. I brought a salad

in with me. So in case we don't hurt ourselves, I'll put some underwear in the salad and Ross will have to pay. Oh my gosh. Sweetie, that's such a good idea. Kiss, kiss, kiss, sound kiss. But my eyes are looking at Chalice while I'm

kissing Alberta. Hey, babe. Yeah? Yes. I mean. I didn't say that, babe. She said that, babe. What's up, babe? Hey, babe. This is weird. You want to go over there? Sure? Yes. I mean. I didn't say that, babe. She said that, babe. What's up, babe? Hey, babe. This is weird. You want to go over there?

Sure, babe. Beefy, why don't you pick out something nice and I'll buy it for you? For real? Are you serious? I've been looking at this fedora over there for days and days. I come in here and I look at it and I say, you'll be mine, I swear, one day. Yeah, I'll buy it for you, babe. Yippee!

I love having a girlfriend. Eee! And then he runs away to go buy it. As that conversation was happening, Chip was climbing up the side wall. An employee spots you almost immediately. Sir? Sir? Can you come down from there?

What? Whoa! And I fall. Okay. I think you're only about 10 feet up. That's pretty far. That'll hurt. It's pretty far.

Take a D4 of damage. Okay. Oh my goodness. Did everyone in the Ross Dressphiless see this handsome man that I don't know get hurt trying to get to a blouse? I done did see it. I saw it with my own two eyes. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves putting shirts so high up on the wall.

Disgraceful. And you look over and Jennifer is ratatouille-ing my hair and I'm like karate chopping a bunch of just kitchenware. I saw this gentleman dive off the top rope intentionally. I saw him jump off intentionally. There's no signs that say I'm not supposed to climb. And then you told me to come down and I fell on my little butt. What's wrong with your butt? How dare you ask such things?

Show the butt to Ross himself. Sweetie, I mean stranger. Okay. I look around for something like lipstick or nail polish or ketchup packets. Anything of the sort nearby. Okay, roll for perception.

Okay. I'm gonna have a bloody butt. 17. Within eyeshot is a perfume, you would guess, that's in like a fancy bottle that's glass, and in it is a bunch of red liquid. Okay. I'd like to try and maneuver so that I take the liquid,

pour it on my butt, make it look like my little butt's all bloody. Nice. Hey, look over here for a second, Mr. Worker. I'm eating a salad, and I happen to just find some panties in there. That's very distracting. Now Ross is going to have to pay for that. First off, we don't sell salads.

That's a you problem. Okay, I'm looking at your butt now. Why don't you do a dexterity saving throw? Okay. A 21. Oh, God. I'm so sorry, sir. There is something terribly wrong with your butt.

Ah, sorry, so you're admitting fault. Gasp! I might need to get management on this, but we should get you some medical help. Uh-huh, I agree. We should get me some medical help. And we should get you a child lawyer. But is there one here now? No, there couldn't be.

Dun-dun-dun! It is I, Alberta Toronto. But is there one here now? There couldn't be Dun dun dun It is I, Alberta Toronto Toronto, believe it I'm a child lawyer Oh my god, Alberta Toronto, the famous child lawyer Indeed it is I And your ass is grass, Ross I just work here, I'm not Ross

Well, we would like to speak to the Ross. Did someone say they need a doctor? Uh, no. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

We didn't. Well, you do need a doctor. You're profusely bleeding from your anus. Yeah. I mean, yes. I mean, yes. Yes. I guess I do need a doctor.

Yeah. Dr. Pibb, get over here. My butt's bleeding. Okay. Let me just take a look. No. Don't look at it too closely, though. It just hurts.

Okay. Huh. What is it? It smells way better than the stuff that usually comes out of butts. Thank you very much, Dr. Pibb. Can Chalice try to distract Mr. Pibb from finding out? Sure. Mr. Pibb, do you like my haircut?

Ah, it's Boo Boo the Fool. Hey, Boo Boo. Do you want to see a trick? Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep. What were you doing there? What was the trick? A trick. Performance rolling.

And I got a 17, so you can't tell me it was bad. So what trick was Chalice doing? It went well. It was a cartwheel. Oh. Boo Boo, I should get my kid. My kid has been wanting to see Boo Boo his entire life.

I'll be right back. Okay, well, please don't file a suit. Maybe we can settle this. I really don't want to have to go to court here. Maybe we can just keep this between us. I am the day manager right now, and this would be terrible for me. Oh, you would like that, wouldn't you?

I came here with my girlfriend and my two other dates to shop around. We're strangers. We're strangers. Yeah, we're strangers. We are all strangers, and I don't understand what... Come here. come here. We'll see your ass in court. Oh, no!

We can settle this outside of court. I don't want to go to night court. You're going to night court, and that's final. Or my name's not Alberta, Toronto. Toronto, believe it, you're going to court. They're yelling, and you haven't heard or seen Seb and Jennifer for a while, and you just see two people fencing in the background.

And then one gets them on the ground and kind of sticks them and you hear a big siren. And it throws off the mask and it's still Jennifer ratatouilleing Seb. And we've become a really good fencing pair. Who are you fencing? You don't know. We'll never know. We have to go to court. We'll never know.

We don't have time, unfortunately. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where

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and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. As you all know, you're going to not any court, but night knights, K-N-I-G-H-T-S. And they are known to be the most valiant of knights and they serve for life after being retired knights. And so as you all are preparing to enter the courtroom, you know that you will ultimately be faced with Sir Alvin the Bold, Sir Simon the Wise, and Sir Theodore the Gullible. And that is your night court.

We're going to pick up with the gang before they enter the courtroom. What are y'all dressed like today is what I want to know. Beef's wearing his fedora he got at Ross Dressed for Less. they enter the courtroom, what are y'all dressed like today is what I want to know. Beef's wearing his fedora he got at Ross Dress for Less, and it's a bejeweled fedora. Classy. And then just dress normal otherwise? Yep. Chalice is a full, exact replica of Al Woods in the courtroom scene, but somehow even brighter and more attention-seeking.

Amazing. Seb is wearing his fencing uniform in the days since. He's gotten really into it. Him and Jennifer are really having a fun time, kind of joined a league, having some extracurriculars. It's great exercise. It's all about strategy. There's a lot of pageantry and they both are really bonding over it. So I'm coming straight. I'm sweaty as all hell and I'm in a fencing white little number. Perfect. Cole is also on the trip with you to Night Court. Oh, that's right.

And looks pretty formal, as always, because they're mostly black with one little white spot, and it kind of looks almost like a little tuxedo. That's so cute. Alberta is wearing a shirt that says, Mommy's Little Helper, a diaper, Alberta is wearing a shirt that says mommy's little helper, a diaper and a hat with a spinny thing on top. And all the way to baby lawyer.

With a huge, huge briefcase and like high heel shoes are like comically big. Chip is wearing a neck brace around his neck. He's wearing a neck brace around his neck. He's wearing a neck brace around his waist. So that covers his little butt. And then he's got one of those like donuts that you sit on. Perfect. Perfect. So we're going to pick up just outside the courtroom. You're just outside the double doors waiting for your case to be called.

Okay. Now, before we go in there, I'm going to need you to confess every bad illegal thing you've done. Everything you've ever done that could come up in court. All of us. Or just Chip. Everybody. Once you're in the courtroom, they can point to you and say what you do. You know what I mean?

Oh. Right. Now, Britta, just to clarify, you call us star witnesses? Mm-hmm. Okay. I like the part where we're stars. So we're going to get to be the center of attention for a little bit during this? All of us?

Everyone, but actually not you, Jennifer. I just didn't have time for you, actually. What? Yeah. I don't get to take the stand? It's okay. That way you don't have to lie about all the illegal things that you constantly do. That makes it easy on you. Oh. That's fair. That way you don't have to lie about all the illegal things that you constantly do. That makes it easy on you.

Oh, that's fair. Thank you, Alberta. Always thinking of you, my number one girl. Kiss, kiss. I just have a hypothetical question. Okay. If someone were to be selling Bazinga, not me, and loads of it, would that be something the judges would deem a no-no, bad? Well, I would say, hypothetically, if someone here had Bazinga,

they should give it to me now so that I can take it. Okay. Just hypothetically. Yeah, hypothetically, if after the show that we're at court. Yeah, trial, but sure. Maybe we can meet in the bathroom. Okay, well, I do my best lawyering

went high off my ass on Bazinga, but I can take it after. It's up to you. Actually, I think you have to poop, and I do too. Oh, I always have to poop. Me too. Great. You two go to the bathroom. See you in one minute.

See you. Okay, babe. It'll be more like 15 minutes. They go into the bathroom and Beef takes out a little, he has a little tiny mini briefcase in his pocket and he pulls it out. And he's like, don't tell anyone. This is for you to seal the deal and help my buddy Chip out, okay? Alberta, can I trust you?

Yeah, I'm literally your child lawyer. What are you talking about? Okay. Also, they all know we're in here doing bazingas. No, they don't. What do you guys think they're in there doing? No idea. I'm just waiting to tell what I have hiding.

Do you guys have any guesses? Well, none of us have anything to hide, right? Isn't that the case? That zero, any of us have nothing to... Do you think maybe there's going to be a moment that you need to maybe just tell the truth and figure this out for everyone's sake? What about you, Chalice?

Do you think you have one of those moments that if they ask you in there... What? Don't turn this on. Dang, it got turned on you real fast. I'm not the one who initiated anything. And I'm not the one who reciprocated anything. And I'm the one that

joined the circus where I learned how to be an assassin. Seb, we cannot keep adding to the quilt of your backstory. It's too much. No, no, it's fascinating. Chalice has a hunch that Seb knows now. Can she see if he knows?

Yeah. Give me an insight check, Chalice. 18. Yeah, you know that Seb knows something, and you probably know what that something is. Hey, Seb, hypothetically, I'm not the one who initiated anything that you maybe saw or heard about. The other person did, and I feel like it's their responsibility,

given the fact that they initiated it, one. Two, they're in the relationship. Three, everyone just wants to know sort of how they're feeling and if they feel the same way. Well, some people in this room might also think that it could be,

Seb, do you know? Yes. Oh, my God! How? So me, I might be thinking, can we wait till Alberta leaves to talk about this? Please, for the love of God. No! Please, she's been here for three months as we prep for this case.

Can we just wait? Can we just wait like eight more hours? Chip, here's the thing, though. I have way too much respect for myself and for her for you to keep doing this to both of us. This is mean. You're being mean. It's not the time. It is the time.

It's not. Stop. Both is the time! It's not! Stop. Both of you, you need to stop, alright? It was called Cirque de Sue Murder. And that's where I learned everything that I know. I know how to take a man's life in 36 different ways, alright? Okay, save it for a flashback episode, you dick.

Well, this is, you know what? It's all about you guys and all about you, but who's asking questions about frickin' Seb, huh? We just went on a whole trip for you, man. You found a dog, you should be happy. I am happy. And Cole starts growling right next to me. I'm so happy.

What are they doing in there? What are they doing in there? Beef. Yeah? Before we leave, I just want to say that, number one, the fedora is working. Thank you. And he does a twirl. Yeah, it's nice.

I thought so. Number two, I just want to say that I've been having a really great time these three months I've spent with you guys. Prepping the trial. Yeah, man. You've really with you guys prepping the trial. Yeah, man, you've really kind of just clicked with the gang. Like, Jennifer's been wanting that for so long, years, and you did that in, like, days. I just love you guys,

but I really, really love seeing you and Chelsea together. I just think you are such a beautiful pair, and it just reminds me of how much I have with Chip and how much I love him, and if anything ever got in the way of that, I don't know what I'd do. You're crying. You're crying.

Here, here, here. Have my hanky. Ew, no, no. Take that back. No, that's disgusting. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, maybe we could have joint weddings. You, me, Chelsea, Chip, Jennifer.

Yeah. I was thinking of proposing to Chip in the middle of court. If court goes well, I'm going to propose to him in there. Oh, my God. That's huge. Do you think he'd say yes? Chalice comes running into the bathroom and says, the horns from court are playing.

They're calling us in. Oh, it's time to go. It's time to go. Okay, okay. Before we walk in the store, it's time to go. It's time to go. Okay, okay. Before we walk in this door, is there anything you guys have to tell me? Nope. So y'all enter into Night Court,

and it is a large stone elaborate courtroom dimly lit by torches along the walls, but also has a sophisticated feel to it as well. All of the chairs have like nice dark red cushions on them. And you see it's set up in like a traditional courtroom that you might even see today where there's the stand, there's the side for the defense, and that's where you see who you're up against, which is Ross's team. And then Alberta, you see standing on the table is Faticus Inch, the most fearsome lawyer in the entire realm of syndication. He stands one inch tall and is an absolute tiger in the courtroom.

Damn. Oh my God. What is it, sweetie? Guys, I don't know how we're going to do. What do you mean? It's Faticus Inch. It's Faticus Inch. You're damn right it is. Faticus Inch here.

And you're in big trouble. You're going down, child lawyer. Yeah, it would be going down to get to your level one inch man. Whoa! Let's just say you're gonna need that diaper. What? Let's just say you're gonna be calling for your mommy and your daddy

cause I'm a child lawyer and I don't know what else to say. That's threatening. Damn! They got me. I gotta be sharp out there. Come on, get it together, Faticus. And then you see you are met with, order, order.

And it is Sir Alvin the Bold who sits in the center. And to either side of him you see Sir Simon the Wise and Sir Theodore the Gullible. This court is now in session for the case of Chip A. Hoy versus Ross. Less foot by less. He shuffles his notes. Get things.

He just tries to brush past it. Ross. And we are now in session. Would the prosecution like to make their opening statement? I would. Attention, adult people of the court. It is me, but a child. I'll go to Toronto.

I like doing things, you know, like play a make-believe and dress up and shit. I'm not an adult. Anyways, Ross Dress for Less. More like Ross Hurt Yourself, you know? That should be the name of it. Also, Ross, what about boss? Think about that when you're in there buying a fedora. And don't think about how you're not going to hurt yourself.

Amen. Amen. Amen. Did I say anything? I blacked out up there. Did I say any words? You did. And as you're saying that,

and as you're walking back to the bench, the bazinga you took hits your bloodstream and starts to take effect. Wow. And so I'm going to have... Exactly. Wow. So we're going to have you roll a D100.

Oh, I'm stressed. I rolled a 13. Okay. And with a 13, you cast Confusion Centered on Yourself. No. What does that mean? So this spell assaults and twists creatures' minds. Assaults?

Jesus. Spawning delusions and provoking uncontrolled actions. So here's the deal. You cast it centered on yourself. So everyone in a 10-foot radius of you, which was all your witnesses in your side. So it's basically the entire crew. All of us.

Yeah. So everyone give me a wisdom saving throw, and you're going to have to beat 12 to not be confused. Chip rolled a zero. Okay. Chip's confused. I botched and minus one. 14. Seb is a 15. Okay. Beef got a nat 20. Okay. It's just Chip. Jennifer rolled a six. She's confused. Alberta rolled a 14. Alberta is not confused. So that happens.

Chip, you feel yourself become confused, and so does Jennifer. Alberta, you just feel high off your ass on Bazinga and in the zone. Can I eat your underwear? We're court, baby. Hold on. All right.

Night one, two, and three. I'm calling up the sexy, the incredible, the buffest guy in town, my love, who I just met and am not affiliated with in any illegal way, Chip. I call him to the stand. Woo! Yeah! Go, Chip! Buffest man! Attaboy, Chip!

Chip, it's you. Why are you clapping for yourself? Go up. Right. I stand up. I climb on top of the table. And I climb over the bar and I flip over it. Okay.

That's not too alarming for him. Now, Chip, state your name, your birthday, and your favorite dinner on a romantic date. For the quad, please. Hi. Oh, okay. Good. You like spaghetti. Say your name's Chip and you like spaghetti.

Hi, I'm Spaghetti Chip Chop Chip. And do you see, quote, what Ross Dressful S did to this man? Do you see how crazy he seems? I do eat underwear for breakfast. Okay, baby. Seriously. I love that, but not now. Chip, on the day of three months ago, you were in a Ross dress for less while eating a refreshing Cobb salad and you were trying to get to a blouse and the blouse was how high off the ground? Way too high. 6,000 feet. Metaphorically, yeah.

It did feel like 6,000 feet. Didn't it, court? Yeah. But it was actually... I love you. I love you. Oh, my God. I love you. What the hell is happening?

And time. It is now time for the defense to cross-examine the witness. I don't think we're doing too good. Just a hunch. And Chalice is getting super nervous, and she's going to whisper to Beef. Beef! Beef! Yeah?

I think that they might be on drugs. Who? Who? What do you mean? What? Chip. Chip at Alberta. Wait. Beef, do you know? We've been pretending to be in a relationship for three months. Do you know about what happened with me and Chip?

I just think that you've never looked more beautiful than you do right now in your Elle Woods costume, babe. Beef, be for real right now. Do you know? Yeah, of course I know. Okay, well, I think that he's on drugs and he's going to say something. Oh, shit. Who's going to say something? I heard half of that. I'm right here. Okay, well, I think that he's on drugs and he's going to say something. Oh, shit. Who's going to say something? I heard half of that. I'm right here.

Ah, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. We're talking about fencing. Oh. You start out and you're on guard and then say somebody comes at you with a riposte. No, Seb, what are you talking about? We're talking about those funny looking trees.

The ones that sound like... Uh-oh. And Chalice scoops up Jennifer to keep an eye on her. And Fatacus Inch jumps up on the bar right in front of Chip's face. Huzzah! Now I got you in my

house. Alright, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase. You're trying to get away with something, aren't you? Yes. And nobody gets away with something with Fatacus Inch. You're trying to get away with something, aren't you? Yes. And nobody gets away with something with Fatacus Inch. You're doing something bad. Yes, I am. Why don't we just stop this whole charade and you tell this court the bad thing that you did. I did something bad. Oh, here he goes. Tell them. I did. I lied, sweetie. I lied. I'm a liar. Who lied to you? No, you didn't, baby. Keep going. But not that.

I didn't mean to. It was just in the moment. I didn't know what I was doing. And she initiated it. That's right. She initiated it. Wait, what? Wait, what? It was her. She did it. I didn't know what I was doing, but I liked it. I did nothing. I did not put the underwear in the salad. They were not my own panties I put in the salad, Chip. What are you talking about? Chalice stands up.

Your Honors, I'm guilty. Um, Alberta, I'm really sorry. For what? We were drunk in Vice Canyon, and I... I kissed Chip. For what? We were drunk in Vice Canyon and I kissed Chip. My Chip? I'm so sorry. I have some pretty complicated feelings for Chip. And it meant something to me, but it didn't mean anything to him.

It's completely my fault. I'm guilty, Your Honor. Lock me up and throw away the key. How could you do this to Beef? Look at Beef. Look at him in that little hat.

Look at Beef. I can't believe you would do that to me, babe. Beef, what the f*** are you talking about? And in this moment, Chip, the spell of confusion, wears off and does the same for Jennifer. Um, ow, my little butt hurts. Oh, we're way past that. What are you talking about? Dude, my butt hurts.

Give me gold. Chip? Yeah, sweetie? Do you have something to tell me? Um, so, are we exclusive? No, don't. That's not the move. No. No, right? You said no?

I thought we were open. I'm Polly. Yeah, yeah. Did you not know? No, I didn't. Yeah, I'm Polly. Yes, yes. I've been meaning to tell you, I've been feeling kind of weird. I've been f***ing this whole time. A lot.

A lot. A lot. A lot? Some would say too much. Who would say too much? Would I say too much? Not me. I wouldn't say too much. Jennifer, you dirty bitch.

I love you, girl. Did you and Jennifer have sex? Jennifer and I have definitely been intimate many times. Whoa. You didn't know that? Jennifer. I swear I told you. I told you.

Wait. Seb, how do you feel? Not good. I mean, Jennifer, where's the communication? Oh, I forgot. Yeah, this is complicated. I'm confused again. Yeah.

No, I knew the whole time, and I've actually been doinking so much, hon. You'd be really impressed by me because of how much sex I get. Isn't it bad to lie under oath? Yeah, that's perjury, man. Oh. Chip, you haven't gotten a single nothing.

Cobwebs. Cobwebs. I made out with Chalice. Oh, yeah. Wait a minute. Is her name Chalice? Because I swore it was Chelsea. And time.

Okay. That wraps up the cross-examination. And now all that is left is for the defense to give their closing argument. As is tradition, only the prosecution says their opening statement, and only the defense says their closing argument. Of course. Snipe court. Fraticus Inch is here to deliver a closing

argument unlike one ever heard before. It has become clear that this whole thing is a farce. A farce. A farce so farcical that no one would dare believe it.

Not even you, Theodore the Gullible. Whoa. I thought there was some good points they made. Theodore. As long as we get a majority, they're not getting any money from Ross. Nor should they, because clearly what they have done is lie. And try to create a false narrative. And this can all

be figured out in one swift move. Huzzah! And he jumps and he pants his chip in front of the whole court. What? I was sitting. How'd you do that? What does Chip's butt look like today? I mean, it's perfect, so there's nothing wrong with it. It's perfect.

It's absolutely stunning. I say that. Chip says that. It is stunning. I won't lie. Look at it. Behold. That's a stunning ass.

You say butt hold? Butt hold. This ass is stunning. Butt hole. Exactly. And I, Fatica Zinch. Butthole? Butthole! This ass is stunning! Butthole. Exactly. And I, Fadaka Zinch, Thanks, Beef. rest my case.

I object. Sustained. What? And now it's just time for the three judges to give their thumbs up or thumbs down, dodgeball style. First is Alvin. give their thumbs up or thumbs down, dodgeball style. First is Alvin. He rolls thumbs up in favor of the prosecution.

Oh! Bold. Very bold. So Simon the Wise rolls thumbs down in favor of the defense. That's pretty wise. And now it's Theodore the Gullible. And he rolls, finally. Thumbs down in favor of the defense.

And Sir Alvin the Bold stands up and says, In the case of Chip A. Hoy versus Roz, we find the defendants not guilty and not liable for said ass damages. Damage. No. Seb, this is all your fault. What the hell? Why is this my fault?

You were busy fencing for three months. It's your fault. It's not my fault. That's for sure. No, you did your best, sweetie. You did such a good job. And I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of you.

And honestly, you look adorable as a little job. Thank you. And I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of you. And honestly, you look adorable as a little child. Thank you. I'm so high. I'm so high right now. Chip, I think that you could probably sue that guy for panting you in public. Yeah, I don't think that's legal to do in court. He definitely can't do that. I can do whatever the f*** I want.

I'm Faticus Hinch. I'm untouchable. Watch your feet. Oh my gosh. Hinch. I'm untouchable. Watch your feet. Oh my gosh. So small. Didn't even know he was here. I f***ed him too, by the way.

Alberta, thanks for trying to get us out of our situation that we put ourselves into. I think this is something that we're just going to have to work out on our own. Yeah, I'd do anything for you guys. I really love you guys. And I totally understand why. Chalice? What is it? Doesn't matter.

Actually, hon, it's Chalice. I think it'd be nice if you actually called her by her name. Okay. Talk to me, daddy. Tell me what to do. You get me horny. For me or for other people? For anything. For a brick.

A brick turns to look at you? Hey, back off, man. Back off. I love coming to court. I just kind of wish you had told me, you know? I know. I wish I would have told you, too. So how about going forward?

Every time you f*** some guy, you tell me. And every time I... Are you sure you want that? Because you're going to be getting texts and calls all through the night yeah yeah i think i want to know i also think maybe actually what if we were exclusive really you and me yeah just you and me i could do that i would like that because you know when i'm out there f***ing people, slobbing on knobs, kissing lips. Et cetera, yeah. It's never emotional. There's no feelings there, right?

Yeah. That's why it doesn't really matter. So, like, you don't have feelings for Chalice, right? Chip looks over at Chalice, stares for a second, and then looks back. No, no, that was just like, I just needed to f***ing slob on a knob or whatever, so.

Oh, I get that. Oh, I get that. Yeah, yeah. But it's you and me now, right? Yeah. Boyfriend and goyfriend. Back away, brick. Sorry.

I'm closed for good. The brick just falls over. Should we go tell everybody that we're in love? Yeah, let's do it. Beef has a little aside with Chalice. Hey, I know that the past three months has all been, you know, just pretending, but anybody would be lucky to be your boyfriend, Chalice. And it was an honor to be your pretend boyfriend for three months.

Yeah, honestly, Beef, you re-energize what I feel like I deserve. I just overheard Chip saying that the only reason why he kissed me is because he needed to slob on a knob or something. Oh my God, he said that? I know, and I fell in a sword for him, and I pretended that I kissed him but he kissed me and I thought that maybe he would like me but he

doesn't like me. Oh my god, girly, we're getting a stack of pancakes and a bunch of kisses. I mean eggs. God damn it. Everyone knows now you don't need to keep having Freudian slip. Oh, yes. Get away, brick.

I walked in and I was like, who the f*** am I playing with? I didn't know Elizabeth at all yet. I was like, who am I with? Like, I couldn't figure it out. And then we get on stage and then I think our suggestion was... Circus? Circus, yeah. And we both face each other, like stick our asses out, have our arms all over the place. We're both like, hello. And I was like, oh my God.

I started laughing so hard immediately because it was like a mirror. It was terrifying. And joyful. It was like a mirror. It was terrifying. And joyful. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And we were joined, of course, by the wickedly talented Ryan Asher.

She's truly the best and a great friend of the pod. You can stay up to date with Ryan and all the amazing things she's creating, including incredible videos that she creates with our very own Elizabeth, on her Instagram at reen underscore machine. R-E-E-N underscore machine. Y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon because we have officially hit our stretch goal. So the Steven episode from the Elizabeth Diary series will be released in addition to the Patreon episode already scheduled for this Thursday.

We got you guys. And of course, the support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroos and get access to over 60 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon. Shout out to the kitchen rats. Very good, Aaron. This week's episode is Swanson Park. Okay. So you know how chalice and beef date for like three months during this episode? Well, if you're anything like me, then you're dying to know what that was like. Luckily, this week's Patreon provides the answer and then some so sign up for our Patreon at

patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun and finally if you want to keep up with the gang you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D that's sitcom and then the letters D&D this is where you can get sneak peeks

at upcoming episodes and future guests see our favorite poll quotes from that week's episode get hot and This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by our very own Waleed. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. Good job, Sean.

Make sure to listen to this week's Patreon. It's really sweet. Beef and callous are actually really good together. Is that a spoiler? Uh, no. Okay. Shout out to the Kitchen Man! That was a HeadGum Podcast.