SitcomD&D - S3 E17: Terry Yorkshire's Best in Show

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

With Mr. Tummy out of town the gang decides to attempt their loftiest get rich quick scheme yet by entering a dog show with a huge cash prize! To increase their odds, the gang enters three dogs and three handlers into the competition, but even that might not be enough to win the day. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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What do you two have to say for yourselves? Nothing good. And I think that's enough. and i think that's enough welcome back to sitcom dnd a real well let me show you how it's done welcome back Welcome back. Yeah, show us how it's done, Sean. Yeah.

It was fate that I had to screw up. Like I told myself, my body said, you have to mess up. And I had to, but I didn't want to. Leave it in. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up inside Chuck E. Buster's, where Mr. Tummy, the beginning of the day, is getting you all together for his morning speech. However, he's not dressed in his typical Chuck E. Buster's managerial getup. He's not dressed in his typical Chuck E. Buster's managerial getup. He's actually more dressed like the genie at the end of Aladdin before he goes on vacation, which is odd.

We're going to pick up there, quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Sean, let me show you how it's done. Nice! On International Women's Day, Erin. On International Women's Day. This is exactly what you're supposed to do on

International Women's Day. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup,

find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing

pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day we're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end

so cheers to all our family and our friends starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant,

and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, everyone, gather round, gather round. Good morning, good morning. Early. It's that time again. Good morning.

This is not even funny. I can't anymore. Pretend you're eating some cheese. Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys. You put your hands on your knees. And have an allergy while I play on these reeds. Now this one here is an absolute must. Turn your face up to the sky and scream,

I'm on a bus. Now cha-cha once. Great. Now let's try it together. Pretend you're eating some cheese, then put your hands on your knees and then get ready to scream, I'm on a bus! Cha-cha! Mr. Tommy, I've suggested this like so many times, but can we please not play that

until like 11 a.m.? It scares everyone, including us. Well, the band has a mind of their own. You try telling them not to play every 30 minutes. Geppetto Pinocchio, have you considered maybe not playing every 30 minutes? You're not my boss!

God. I don't answer to you. Who is your boss? Fuck you! That's who my boss is. Okay, this is going nowhere. Well, um, that's going nowhere, but I'm going somewhere. I'm going on vacation. Hip hip hooray!

Prickets. Were we supposed to join you in the hip hip hooray? I thought you could be happy for me, but, um, it doesn't matter, I'm happy for myself. I'm going to get some much-needed R&R all over the way in upstate Niles. Very excited about it. Oh, if you if you see Alberta up there, you mind saying hi and giving her a little kiss for me?

Yeah. If I see your very real girlfriend, I'll give her a kiss. She is real. I know. That's how you say it. Oh, yeah. Well, that is confusing when somebody says it like that. Yeah. See? Oh, my God. See? it yeah oh yeah well that is confusing when somebody says it like that yeah see oh my god see i thought you didn't exist for a second the way you said that it's too seasoned any hoodles i'm gonna take off do not try to contact me okay have fun okay okay and he's out the door bye bye mr tommy chalice unbuttons her pants and uh takes off her wig what i feel way better i feel way better oh is this because your bad haircut

you've been wearing a wig i didn't even even notice. Oh, God. Okay. I can finally relax. Beef takes Chalice's wig, puts it on, unbuttons his pants, and goes, oh, you said it, sister. First off, we're not going to work, are we? Hell no. Yeah. I mean, it's been a long time since we've even had kids show up here. I mean, the skies are freaking limit today. We could sleep.

We could eat. We could eat. We could take off. What if we tried to make some money? I feel like we're going to make our money today anyway because Beef's going

to sign our hours today, right, Beef? You got it, buddy. We can maybe make a little dough on the side. Well, I've been kicking around a new business idea.

It's called Chalice's Palaces, and I make little sandcastles on the beach for crabs to move into. Next. Whoa! Sorry, sorry. I thought that. I thought that. Did I say that out loud?

You did. Yeah, you screamed it. You know, I have been kicking around an idea. Clothes for fingers. Huh? Cl you mean gloves are you describing gloves no no individual shirts and pants for your fingers because they're naked see whoa that's graphic i don't know for some reason why your fingers look so naked. Why are they so dirty? And by dirty, I mean raunchy. Because they're not clothed. Now see, I put a little pant on, one tube, another tube.

Now she's clothed. She's pretty. Hi. Is B flirting with his fingers? Chip, do you have any ideas? Do I have millions of ideas? He has none. Yeah, that sounds like a guy who has zero ideas. He's looking around the room.

He's looking around the room. Games. We have kids play games. Congratulations. You invented Chucky Busters again. Well done. You know, when I was a teenager, I used to open up the damn paper,

and there was all sorts of jobs in the classifieds. Okay, Grandpa. Okay, just because I own trifocals doesn't mean that I'm a grandpa or- Yeah, you're not even a dad. I know. Yeah, that's pretty wild because, you know, like, JR is a mom. We're really just letting the intrusive thoughts win today, huh? Everyone just saying things out loud. Oh, did I say that out loud? Yeah, you's pretty wild because, you know, like, J.R. is a mom. We're really just letting the intrusive thoughts win today, huh? Everyone just saying things out loud.

Oh, did I say that out loud? Yeah. Yep, you did. Okay. I'm just going to go random, and the first thing that I point at in this here paper, we're doing today. We're doing today. Let's do it.

All right, my eyes are closed. I'm doodly-do little finger. And down we go. What is it? What is it? Okay, well, it's the obituaries. But right next to it is Terry Yorkshire's Best in Show. Well, I think we're going to have to do a life insurance fraud. Are we going to die?

Or right next to it, we could do a dog show. Oh! Okay. That's pretty good. We could enter Cole. Would you like to be a part of a dog show, Cole? Cole's so good.

You do see there's a 500 gold piece grand prize for the winning dog at Terry Yorkshire's Best in Show. Oh, my God. There's a grand prize. Oh. How much is four? 400 gold pieces. 400 gold pieces? I'm reading over your shoulder.

It says 500. Are you going to try to pocket the 100? Seb. Okay. Well, all right. It's worth a try. 500 buckaroos? When is the show?

Today. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Registration starts in one and a half hours. We got to go. Is Cole trained? Are we prepared? Cole pees on the floor.

Oh, God. Wait, you know who else would be a good little boy? Who's a good boy? Do you know who's a good boy? Well, I am. Seb, you are who else would be a good little boy? Who's a good boy? Do you know who's a good boy? Well, I am. Seb, you are a good boy. And you could turn into a good little boy. Oh my God, yes!

Seb, we could double our chances. You enter into the dog show as a dog as well. So we got two dogs in the race. Beef, I noticed that you ran upstairs the second Chip started talking about who's a good boy. And you put on some dog ears. Are you okay, buddy? I'm sick from running, but I'm happy to be here. All right.

So we got three dogs we can enter in. That sounds pretty good. Chip, you and I can be the handlers maybe? We'll need one handler per dog. I assume that that's the rules, right? Do you think Jennifer would want to be a handler? Did someone say Jennifer? Oh, my God. Whoa.

You were on the chandelier above us. Oh, my God. We have a chandelier in here? I've never looked up. What's up, stinkers? What are we talking about? Well, sweet Jen, we're entering into a dog show that's in an hour and 20 minutes from now

for 300 gold pieces. Wink. If you want to be a handler for one of the dogs. One of the dogs? There's three dogs? Beef's a dog. Bark, bark. Seb's a dog.

And Cole's a dog. We had the option to pick three dogs, and you thought Beef looks more's a dog and Cole's a dog we had the option to pick three dogs and you thought Beef looks more like a dog than I look like a dog

Beef's smelling his own ass come on Beef can disguise self but I'm pretty sure he can't disguise self to a dog

but we can see what happens also I have like memories of three times over the course of three seasons where Beef has gone to go to sleep and he walks around in a circle like a dog

before he falls asleep on his surface. That has happened, and that's not a joke. That is a true recalling of a history of this friendship. And here's a joke. All right. Who has given the bar fleas on more than six occasions? Beef. Not Jennifer.

Beef. That's a good point, actually. And Jennifer, you get to do your favorite thing in the world, is you get to pretend to be a human today. Okay. Here, Seb, give her the wig. I mean, if they actually think that I'm a handler and a humanoid, it would make one of my wildest dreams come true. Which one? That I'm a handler and a humanoid make one of my wildest dreams come true.

Which one? That I'm a person. Oh, sad. You're a person. Yeah, kind of. Kind of. Let's go! Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with with that said i've got a question for you

what's the right amount the perfect amount of socializing for you and how do you recharge maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. you guys arrive to um the big outdoor hybrid of like a coliseum park you know uh with rows and rows of uh benches stone benches cut out um but before you can actually enter the main space there is a registration desk with a big banner over it that says register here. All right.

We should probably pair up, right? Yeah. So let's see. Dan, you want beef? Can you handle beef? Yeah, I think I can handle beef. Hey, sit. Sit.

Oh, my God. No. No. No. I don't know if I can handle beef. Chip, what about you? I'll take beef. Beef, sit! I will not!

All right, Chip and beef are together. Jennifer, you take Cole, and I'll take Seb, I guess. Seb, sit. I guess? Oh, come on! And so this is all as you're walking up to the registration desk, correct? Yes. Oh, wait. I have to take off all of my clothes meticulously,

fold them, and use wild shape to turn into a dog. Be smelling someone else's ass. Damn it. Beef! Heel! Beef! No! Heel! No! So Chalice walks up to the

counter with Seb. Hello! Hi! My name is Chalice. I'm here with my dog, Sebi. Oh, hi, cutie. And we would like to enter into the dog show, please. Okay.

I just need you to sign up on this sheet, and I say this to everyone. You may only enter dogs. No wild shapers. No humanoids. No funny business. What kind of crazy, crazy, crazy people are entering in all those things? Of course he's a dog.

Yep, that's just the rule. Must be a dog. Just out of curiosity, what's just the rule. Must be a dog. Just out of curiosity, what's the consequence of not? It's probably just you have to leave, right? Death. I'm just, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But it is a hefty fine.

It's a hefty fine. 50 gold pieces is the fine. Okay, no problem. Doesn't apply to us. Sounds good. Thank you. Okay, thank you. Doesn't apply to us. Sounds good. Thank you. Okay, thank you for signing little Sebby up here. And best of luck in the show.

And she tosses Seb a little milk bone. All right. Sorry, there's probably lots of people behind me. See you later. Love you. Oh, best of luck. Love you. Hello.

Yeah, I'd like to enter my dog in. This is my dog. Hey, what's up, toots? Excuse me? Sorry, I said, to enter my dog in. This is my dog. Hey, what's up, toots? Excuse me? Sorry, I said, what's up, toots? And I kick beef a little bit. Okay, so I do need to bring up this rule to you as well. Yes.

Must be a dog. If it's not a dog that you're entering into the competition, there is a hefty fine of 50 gold pieces. Are we clear? We are clear, and my name is Chop. So if I got caught, you have to send the bill to old Chop.

Now, we'll fine you right then and there. We'll hold you here until the fine is paid. I'm supposed to bring 50 gold here as a fine? Give me a break. Well, someone else can. They can come and bail you out of dog jail. I'm going to be in dog jail? That's right. Well, let's see if it gets to that.

This is my dog. What's your dog's name? Just sign him up right here. My dog's name is Beef Bone. It's Beef Bone. Beef Bone. Beef Bone's a cutie, isn't he? Hey, hi. Hi, hi. Hey, hi. Hey, hi. Beef. Rubbs your, hi. Hey, hi. Beef.

And she rubs your little belly. Next. Beef, good job. That was so good. You did so good. I get down on one knee and I rub his little head. I rub his little belly. Beef, that was so good. He's vibrating. Oh, if you had a tail, I'm sure it would be wagging.

Oh, something's wagging. Whoa. Well, something's wagging. Whoa. Well, sorry. I realized I rubbed a little too low on his belly. Seb and Chalice are looking at them with their mouths completely agape. Whoa. Okay. Hello.

I'd like to sign up my dog here. And Jennifer is on Cole's back and she's wearing an enormous blonde wig. It's just my blonde wig and my head's not that big. It's normal size. She's just a rat. So that's why it looks so big on her. Why are you talking to that tree, Chellis? Sorry, I'm just mad.

I'm just, I'm fine, actually. I'm not mad, I'm fine. This is my beloved dog, Cole. And he's gonna win this hearsay competition, the Terry Yorkshire's Best in Show. And I'm a real person. Yes, you are. You are.

And we'd be happy to enter Cole into this show. Isn't that right, Cole? And she throws Cole a milk bone. So just, why don't you sign up, Cole, right here? Okay, and dab it and sign it. All right, I'll remember that that is Cole. And you consider yourselves entered. Best of luck.

Thank you. Beef's right next to the sign-in lady. Hey, I didn't get a milk bone. Beef, if you get caught, we're going to be fined 50 gold. And that's fully coming out of your half. You can talk to us, not outside people, okay? Yeah, Seb's got it. And then you hear some trumpets sounding.

And there's been some sort of magic cast on the throat of the person running it, Terry Yorkshire himself, as people are starting to take their seats and dogs are running to and fro with their owners, getting warmed up for the big competition and show, Terry Yorkshire takes the field in the middle of this coliseum, this open-air coliseum. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Hello and welcome to Terry Yorkshire's Best in Show.

Woo! Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Tons of, like, Arsenio. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. From all the dogs and their owners. I could not be more excited to get our festivities started today. more excited to get our festivities started today. From what I've seen walking around, we have a very stiff competition ahead of us and a lot of talented, beautiful, majestic creatures to judge. As we all know, Best in Show is broken down into three categories, and we will start with the first in just a few minutes.

Of course, that first segment is Appearance and Manners. Huzzah! The fanfare starts back up again, horns and music, and everyone goes into another gear, getting their final preparations ready to take the field for the appearance and manners category. How do you feel, Seb? Do you think you're ready for appearance and manners? Great.

Let's try this. How do you do? How do you do? Terrifying. Don't talk. Don't talk. Talk to me normal but when you're out there, don't do that. Just don't do that. It's too scary.

Yeah, sorry, sorry. Seb, can you roll for perception? I can. 11. With an 11, you see someone that is moving in a familiar manner across the pitch, across the field here. And now they're getting a little bit closer and you can make out that it's actually jr and jr has a dog with her oh god i immediately hide behind chalice's leg

jr walks up to you chalice uh and goes i so sorry, but did you know, do they have bathrooms here? Do they have bathrooms here? Do you recognize me? We met recently. I showed up at your house and announced. My God, yes. Oh. Yeah.

Well, too bad Seb's not here today. He's on a sex trip. So he's a little bit busy. Nice. But I'll send him a quick hello from you. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice. I just, I mean, I'm really hoping that at some point we can get back to being friends. Doubt it.

What was that? Oh, I remember you too. Oh, okay. I mean, you might be talking about Chip, and it's... First of all, I'm Chop. And second of all... Just don't do this. Hey, I'm sorry, everybody. I don't actually have a ton of time for this.

Best of luck in the show. We'll see you out there. Oh, and the woman who checked us in told us to go to the bathroom right on the ground. Oh, really? Yeah, you can go right here. Okay. Good to see you. Have a good day.

And she kind of confusedly you know walks off with her dog she just i've known her for 15 years she acted like she didn't even know you she acted like she just met me but to be fair you seem like you didn't know who you were well i was trying to i wanted to defend myself as, but I'm being chopped right now. So it's just, I was in a weird position. Chalice gets down on one knee and starts rubbing Seb's head and under his chin. Are you okay, buddy? We got to win this show.

It's about more than just the money now. Beef, we got to do this for Seb, all right? And we have the best chance of winning this thing. Beef's already taking a crap on the ground. Beef, we gotta do this for Seb. Alright? And we have the best chance of winning this thing. Beef's already taking a crap on the ground. Hell yeah! You can see that there's like 15 dogs and their owners entered into the competition.

And there's a pretty good crowd. A very mild-mannered crowd, but a good-sized crowd. And as the dogs and their owners enter the field, there is a polite spattering of applause from the audience. Judgment will now commence. And he is going down the line one at a time

and inspecting the dogs. It looks like he's checking their teeth. He's checking their musculature and he's giving some commands to see how good their manners are. And it's not too long before he comes up to Jennifer and Cole. Well, hello, mademoiselle. This is my dog, Cole, and he's awesome.

Cole, beautiful coat of fur. Let me check your teeth here. Oh, and in good health, someone loves you very much and is taking very good care of you. Thank you. I thought I, never mind. And, well, let's see, Cole. Can you sit? And I'm going to roll for Cole.

Cole doesn't sit. Cole, sit. And Cole sits. Cole kind of snaps to attention and sits. And paw. And Cole puts out a paw. And play dead. And Cole flops over to the side and lets his tongue hang out.

Is he dead? No. Oh, my God, Cole. Oh, and lets his tongue hang out. Is he dead? No. Oh, my God, Cole. Oh, my God, he killed Cole. Oh, wait, no. Good job, Cole. Cole's okay. Oh, God.

Very good marks. Very good. A rough start. Didn't sit at first, but all in all, very good, Cole. And who do we have here? Hello, monsieur. Very good, Cole. And who do we have here?

Hello, monsieur. My name is Chalice, and I'm here with my sweet, sweet dog, Sebi. And between you and me, that lady on the end with her dog, she peed in the grass earlier, and I don't think her dog's real. Good to know. I'll keep an eye on them. Okay, Savvy. There is a wild manic intelligence behind those eyes that frightens me. But, uh, yes, an excellent coat of fur, good teeth, good musculature, and Savvy, sit.

I sit on a tree stump about five feet away. Okay. That did look more comfortable. Again, almost too intelligent. Paw. I look at both paws, and then I think it's a trick question, so I don't raise one. Okay.

He marks that down. And play dead. And Seb, can you roll for performance? 16. Okay. He marks that down. And play dead. And Seb, can you roll for performance? 16. Okay. Pretty good. I reenact basically the whole last scene of the Fellowship of the Ring where Boromir's getting shot with arrows. And then I just kind of

collapse forward. And I go and then I fall face down. The strongest of men can be slain by one arrow. Sebi was pierced by many. I slip one piece of gold to the little orphan boy that I paid to save that. It was Bucket. It's Bucket.

It's Bucket. Bucket is there with an old dish rag on a leash. Aww. Aww. He's going to be fine 50 gold pieces. This dog suits me just fine, thank you. Oh, Bucket. It's also, just the listener should know, it's getting great marks so far.

Okay, well, thank you for your time moving right along last but not least who do we have here hey what's up i'm chop hello and also between you and me the lady on the end over there she's just not very nice she forgot who i was and she left my friend getting a lot of complaints about her. I'll address it. I'll look into it. Thank you. Yes, this is my dog, Beefbone. Beefbone, get on the business.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Yes, good musculature? Yeah, Daddy. Okay, wait a second. This seems like a straight-up dude. that was sorry that was me i said that all right i guess it's kind of like a three strikes policy right now i'll need that thank you that's one beef bone why don't you go ahead and. Okay, that's strike two. Please, I'm begging you.

Beef, please. Stop saying words besides bark or rough. Please. Bark, bark, bark. And I sit down. I did not say to speak. And he gently kind of does like a dog whisper little thing, whatever he does with his thumb at like Beef.

Whoa, and Beef doesn't know why, but he's like, I must follow the rules now. And paw. Beef puts up his hands. Very good. Now play dead. So Beef, give me a performance check. Yeah, I rolled a six.

Beef takes his hands and he starts choking himself. Oh, Mark! Mark! And he reaches out for help. Mark! Mark! And then he falls and he dies. I'm just going to be honest.

Chop was it? Yes, it's Chop. I'm going to let this pass for the first round. Cool. Thank God. But your marks are very low. Yeah. Yeah.

So we probably don't even stand a chance. It would take a miracle. Okay. All we need is a miracle. I look over at Beef and I wink. And I look up at Chip and I wink. And that concludes the appearance and manners category. I have made my decisions. There will be a bronze, silver, and gold, and they will get points accordingly.

Three for gold, two for silver, one for bronze. With bronze, we're going to go with Sebi. Come on up. Cole will be second. That's funny. He said the name first. And in first place in gold is Gigi. And then you see JR walk out there.

What the heck? I didn't even place one bit, choppy. This is the first time I've never gotten gold, Sebby. I am not happy with this placement, Seb. We have to do better, okay? Oh, no, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Cole, you're doing so good. You're such a star. This is fun. And with that, we are ready to move on to the second portion, which is the athletic obstacle course portion.

And you see that while he was awarding those medals, the obstacle course has been laid out. And it includes a sprint through a tunnel, an up and down a seesaw jump through three hoops and then the final part is uh carrying a bucket of water without spilling across the balance beam oh this is birthday party stuff this is crazy without further ado the athletic obstacle course portion will commence. So as you guys are waiting your turn to go through the athletics obstacle course, you notice JR making a beeline for you, Chalice.

Listen, you told me to go to the bathroom out on the field, and so then I did, but like in a place no one was looking. And then you told Terry about it, and you're trying to get me kicked out of the competition? What's your deal? I don't know if there's proof of any of that. Sorry, have we met before? Oh!

Oh! Oh! We already covered this. Seb sticks out his little paw and gives Chalice a little high five for that sick-ass burn. I'm sorry you shit on the lawn or whatever, lady, but I'm trying to win a dog competition here.

Let's just leave it all out on the field, shall we? Gigi, JR's dog, is now pretty interested in Sebi. And Seb, why don't you roll a perception check? 17. When you look into Gigi's eyes, you recognize that these are eyes you're familiar with. It's the same eyes that Gidget has. I become a rigid duck dog where I'm like,

sort of thing. And my hair on the back of my neck sticks up and stuff, but I have sort of heart eyes, sort of kind of heartbreak eyes sort of thing about it what seb seb is that you are you this dog that i'm looking at i thought you were on a sex vacation no i that's starting soon I'm doing that really soon I'm actually

I'm late... Oh, cool. Yeah, I'm late for the boat. Well, yeah, I'm kind of embarrassed, but it's... Oh, man. I left Chucky Buster, so I kind of came up with this cockamamie scheme to kind of make some gold, you know?

And JR kind of volunteered to help. you know uh and jr kind of you know volunteered to help so man this is weird um i'm so sorry it's not that weird it doesn't have to be that weird um it just yeah you kind of just like left pretty abruptly or maybe it is weird i uh why did you have to leave i know you lied but you couldn't even, we couldn't even talk about it? You're right. I just, I was a coward, honestly. And then you hear,

you're up next, let's go, obstacle course. And she goes, in the meantime, may the best dog win? I'm planning on it. Are there any real dogs in this competition? What the fuck is going on? Bucket has a rag on a leash. There's a rag, a dog, a beef, and then two people. A beef bone, baby girl.

Sorry, a beef bone. Gigi, aka Gidget, must have been pretty flustered because for the athletics portion, she just rolled a one. So Gidget did terrible on the obstacle course. And I believe this is Sebi. Are you ready, trainer, to release Sebi? I am. And a one and a two and a you know what to do, Seb, go! And Chalice throws him.

Would this be athletics or performance? Athletics. 13. The up and down seesaw gave you some trouble, but overall you made it across and your bucket didn't spill a drop of water as you crossed the balance beam. Nice.

Ready, Cole? You know what to do. And Cole rolls a 15. Nice, Cole. Cole does very well, especially on the part where it's like two leaning boards that go about 30 feet in the air going up one side and then down the other. And now Chip and Beefbone. All right, yeah then down the other. And now chipping beef bone.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beef smoking a cigarette. Yeah. I'm smoking a cigarette and doing those swimmer stretches where they, like, fling their arms back and forth. I'm massaging beef's shoulder. And I'm looking out at the course. And I've been taking some night-night school classes.

And we, you know, obviously to be a night, we've been doing some obstacle course stuff. So I'd like to, investigation, I'd like to like look around the course to see if there's any advice that I can give Beef on his run. Okay, just give me a perception check. Okay. Oh, an 18. That's, I have a minus one perception, so that's pretty good. I have a minus one perception, so that's pretty good. You're pretty sure that for the seesaw portion,

if you just continue as fast as you can across it, it'll just kind of work itself out rather than taking it slow like the balance beam, which a lot of other dogs are. All right, Beefbone, you're going to take it nice and quick across the seesaw, all right? Does that make sense? You got that? Yeah.

You're going to kill this thing. You're going to kill this thing, my little bone boy. I'm going to kill it. I'm going to murder it, yeah. All right. I sense you got that yeah you're gonna kill this thing you're gonna kill this thing my little bone boy i want to murder it yeah all right i love you spank his little butt yeah i was gonna say spank my butt before i hope for good luck spank his little tushy and then i set him off i got a 15 as well very good beef bone yeah i do i um kiss my hand and i point to the sky before I did it. But that meant nothing because Beef doesn't know what God is. How does the dishrag do? Yeah.

Can you roll for the dishrag, please? Please, Sean. All right, Dishy. I believe in you. You're going to do great. Get out there and show them what you can do. And the dishrag just sits limply after he takes it off the leash. Terry goes, disqualified.

I'm disgusted. That's just a dishrag. Throw him in the pound. We don't know who that is. We don't know who that is. Get him away from me. I'm disgusted. Well, that was hard to watch.

Does he get taken away? Yeah, he gets dragged to, there's, what's weirder is that the pound, the dog jail, is also on the field. And it's just kind of like an eight by eight foot barred cell. Dang, Bucket's gonna die in there. So sad. There's no way Bucket has 50 gold pieces to his name. I don't! I don't, sir! I thought it was a real

dog! My imagination got away with me again! Okay, no one's gonna be that cute. So I rolled for all the other dogs To put them in contention Only one

Made the podium And he'll announce that one first Zanzibar in bronze And tied for gold Cole And Beefbone Beefbone Beef and chips are doing the money dance.

Fuck you, Cole. Fuck you, Cole. Don't you talk to my dog that way. Don't you talk to him like that. Oh, yeah? You don't talk to my dog that way. All right? You don't talk to my dog that way.

Chalice is going to get in between everybody to try to calm it down. Chip, why are you barking? What the fuck is going on? I'm having a real I used to be a princess moment. How did I get here? And the standings before we enter our final round of the competition. Tied in third are Gigi and Beef Boat with three points each. And in first,

Cole with five points. Now, with that being said, this last round is worth double the points. Ooh. And we all know this last round is the most coveted for it is the talent portion. Yes. Weird. So, without further ado, the most coveted for it is the talent portion. Weird.

So, without further ado, I bring out the first dog, Gigi. Hey, good luck, Gigi. Thanks, Seb. No problem. Seb, I really admire how kind you are to the people that hurt you. I could never. I am petty and terrible.

My main question is, why are you so mean to the people who love you and care about you? Ruff, I'm a dog. Gigi goes out there and plays the trumpet. With advantage, it is still an 11 so not great trumpet playing uh her armature wasn't very used to having a dog mouth so it didn't translate very well plus the pause verse fingers thing yeah that didn't help either i am going to for my talent I'm going to perform a bark medley of Annie Get Your Gun and several show tunes.

Can we just get a taste of what maybe, you know, a five second chunk of that would be? And what song from Annie Get Your Gun was that? The title song. The gun solo. And I think because this is a dog doing this, roll with advantage for how well this performance would go. Yeah, so I kind of finish off with Grease Lightning

and I, with advantage, nine. Okay. Hello, everyone. I know it's not traditional for a person to come out with their dog, but Cole and I, Cole's seated first right now. I think Cole, everyone knows who Cole is. Everyone's kind of, there's like a spattering of applause. What we're going to do is Cole is going to fling me up into the air and then swallow me whole.

Um, and then, but I'll be okay. Okay, here we go. Cole flings Jennifer into the air. Jennifer, even though she's not getting graded on this, does a beautiful turn and twist like a diver, an Olympic diver on the high dive. And Cole watches for Jennifer, places himself right underneath her, and seemingly swallows Jennifer whole. And the audience goes quiet. And then Cole puts his head back, howls at the sky,

and Jennifer rockets out. Yaboo! And lands right on Cole's back. Woo! That was amazing! We've all swallowed Jennifer, but never that good. Cole rolled a 19.

Oh my God. No wonder. I don't want to go after that. How am I supposed to go after that, Chop? I don't know. I don't know if I can do this. This sucks. Listen, Beef.

What? This does suck, okay? There's no avoiding that. But we got another miracle right now okay we could pull in a second miracle okay because here's the thing that maybe people in the audience don't know you're not even a dog yeah you know what i mean yeah you're actually a bard that knows like magic and stuff and you could do like any of that. You got a good point there, choppy. Here I go.

Beef goes to the stage and he cracks his knuckles. And then he wheels out a little, a tiny little amphitheater, like a little stage with a curtain. And he shows his fingers to everybody. And then he puts them behind his back, and then he brings it back out, and they all have little clothes on each finger. And then he goes behind the little curtain, and then his fingers pop out, and then he does a whole scene with his fingers.

From Annie Gets Her Gun. Yeah,. From Annie Gets Your Gun. Yeah, it does Annie Gets Your Gun. All right, Beef, roll for performance for me. All right. A 16 plus five. Oh my God. Yes! Yes!

Beefo! No, clear the stage. Clear it. I'm celebrating. You are disqualified. Get him into the pound. Put him in dog jail. What?

You showed us your fingers. The whole focus was on your fingers. Was it the most beautiful thing I've ever seen? Yes, I'm weeping But I'm also furious Get the hell into dog jail Fifty gold pieces before you see the light of day again Beef gets grabbed by two people who are working security

They're in like patrolman garb And toss beef into the dog pound. You just hate Annie. Get your gun. I'm going to roll for all these other dogs now. Someone give me a random dog name. Lou. Oh.

Lou the Black Lab mix nat 20'd the talent portion. Of course she did. She's perfect. And so, these are the rankings. Bronze in this year is Gigi! And JR and Gidget in dog form take the stage. And to give you an idea,

Gidget is a very healthy-looking, long-haired golden retriever. That's really cute. Easy, Seb. All right, sorry. And in silver this year, Lou! and best in show the winner of our competition and the winner of 500 gold pieces oh shoot he said it's a lot the security um get a go into a safe take out 500 gold pieces in a large large, ornate felt sack and hand it over to Terry Orkshire. The winner is Cole! Oh my gosh!

Yeah! He won! Oh my gosh! He did it! And he's actually a real dog! This is legit! This is legit! Jennifer, is this the best day of your life or what?

It truly is. I'm a person. Beef from jail. Did we win? Uh-huh. Nice. And Jennifer rides up on Cole and grabs the sack. This is really heavy, you guys.

Can somebody help me? Chip runs over and is like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. And picks it up. Chip, you notice that it's actually not really heavy at all. Especially not as heavy as you think 500 gold pieces would be. No. What? Why?

Oh my god. You want to investigate it? Yes. Why can't we just win one of these things, Sean? Yeah. How are we going to? What's wrong with us having Morgan? You're not letting us. We're actually going to lose bottoms up, idiot.

I really tried in that talent portion. You look in, and there's just a bunch of milk bones in there and from across the field you see someone who looks exactly like terry yorkshire stumble out in their underpants imposter imposter no i'm i'm i'm chop yeah everyone thinks that they're talking about everyone that's and beef's like pointing to bucket like he's the imposter like gg thinks it's her as a dog is pointing to herselfet like he's the imposter. Like Gigi thinks it's her. Gigi as a dog is pointing to herself and shaking her head. It's just a really bad haircut. No, Jennifer is a person.

There's a huge puff of smoke. Everyone roll for perception. 1, 3, 6, 22. There you go, Seb. So Seb, you see this from the beginning, that the Terry Yorkshire on stage threw down a smoke bomb, takes out a grappling hook, throws it towards the ceiling, and starts hoisting themself up. Shoot them.

Kill them. And as they're climbing up, the Terry that was just on stage says, Sorry, I did a little bag switch. And then grabs under their face and rips off a mask to reveal... Yes, it is I, Logan Leroux. Oh, my God. The French robber? Oh, my God.

That's crazy. Once again, I have tricked you simple fools with my next level dippery. It is like stealing candy from a baby when it comes to stealing gold from you dum-dums. Now I would love to stay and chat, but alas, I am going up. Camera pans over to Seb. I'm on all fours, but I'm naked and I'm in human form now. And I go, wait a a second that's our gold and I'm gonna cast misty step

so I teleport on to the thing I'm still naked as sin on the rope and I'm going for are you going for the gold are you trying to bring Lorgan down with the gold? I just want the gold. I really don't want a conflict right now.

Then give me an opposed strength check. Beef. What? Would you be down to cast bardic inspiration right now? Help out your friend? Beef smoking a cigarette. You've got this. Seb, you are naked in front of two women you have had feelings for.

As your friend, I want this to go quickly for you. I can get no lower. Actually, Beefbone, your words were awesome, but confidence comes from within because I rolled a fucking natural 20. Wow. Seb grabs onto the gold. You can feel it in your hand that in that sack is real gold from the weight,

and you rip it out of Lorigan's hands. Hey, you. You are not taking my gold. Get your grubby little hands off of my gold now that you've got a grip on it what do you want to do i'm gonna slide down the little rope like a fireman yikes naked yeah yeah are you sliding super quickly down naked yeah unfortunately you have to take a D4 of rope burn damage on your privates. And that's a nice. D4 is nice.

That's like kind of him to do so little. Well, and I rolled a four, so. That makes sense. That checks out. You're going to be a Ken doll by the time you reach the end. And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and your talking dogs. You have not seen the last of Lorgan. La-roo!

And then she's gone off into the night. Sort of crazy that we should just check in every episode now, from now on, to see if the turr... We should always just roll to see if the turr saved us a lot of time. Yeah, just kind of tug at people's throats, hoping that there's a mask there from now on. That's the rule. Security grabs Naked Seb.

What? And starts taking him towards Doggy Jail. Okay, that's fine, because we have money now to get you and Beef out of there. I would like to say, though, I agree that we can use 100 gold out of these 500 however 300 tip 300 300 i meant to say the gold would be gone were it not for seb in the first place maybe he lied but this whole event would be ruined were it not for the heroic and bravery of Seb. Roll for persuasion. All right.

A 15. He holds up a hand for the two patrolmen to stop carrying naked Seb away. You're right. If it weren't for his actions, then, um, well, we wouldn't have any gold at all.

And it looks like he probably will need some medical attention that's not going to be cheap for what he's got going on down there. Is it bad? It's different. It's just like a red stripe all the way down my entire body. Chalice goes over to the bag and gets 100 gold coin out and hands it to the guard to let Beef and Bucket out. Oh, that's nice,

but maybe we yoink back that 50 and keep Bucket back in there. No, come on, guys. I know we're bad, but are we that bad? Let an orphan die in dog jail bad? Alice is right. We got to help Beef and we got to help bucket the orphan.

Too cute. Thank you, everyone. Don't talk. Don't make us regret this. Yeah, you don't have to say something. Just go. Take your rag and go. I won't speak for a calendar year.

Oh, okay. All right. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. We actually made money. We made money. We finally did. That you did.

400 gold pieces. This is a real dog, right? Yeah. Of course. All right. 400 gold coins. That's yours. You earned it.

Huzzah. Our most exciting best in show! And the whole crowd erupts and it's not just like polite claps it's like uproarious applause. Can Chalice give Seb her coat that she was wearing so he can just be at least semi

covered up? I tie it around my waist so it's just like a loincloth. Beef stops him before he goes and he says, you've got this. Hey, thanks. I think I might take a D6 of confidence

going into this situation. And he gives him a little wink. You're a good boy. Hey, thanks for just all your guys' support. We've been having some... I don't know. I've been weird lately.

I'll be the first to say it. I've been yelling a lot and then crying a lot. I've just been kind of like all over the place, but thanks for just being good friends. All right, let's go over there. You head over, and Gidget is like kind of quickly going around a corner. Wait, Gidget, Gidget.

One second. And when you turn the corner. Wait, Gidget, Gidget, one second. And when you turn the corner following her, she's back in her human form, and she's put on like a cloak. Hey, sorry, I just, I didn't want to have to pay 50 gold, you know? No, no, I totally get it. I mean, we're only really netting 400 from this whole thing, but, you know, whatever.

But I thought I had you. You were great, though. You were whatever. But, uh, I thought I had you, you, you were great though. You were great. Well, I did. I didn't even, I, my, my, my personal dog was great. I was, um, yeah, I wish I knew any song from Annie get your gun, just any song that I could have said. Uh, yeah, you were so good too. You really, really killed it out there. And, um, I was just kept on thinking about you you kept on you call yourself a coward before and i don't think you were cowardly that's nice it's nice of you to say i i still feel that way um no i mean i i think this is a weird situation and um yeah i i

think what we need to do now is if we want to have any sort of like i i want to be your friend like but we need to communicate oh man thank i'm so relieved that you just said that i just feel like i caught feelings and stuff got complicated really quick of course and yeah i think that's for the best if if we could go back to being friends that would be really nice i i don't want to lose you as a friend just because of this whole situation and And I know things were said and whatever, like, but your friendship's too important. I want to,

I want to make the most of you because you haven't been my life for a long time and now you are, and I want to keep it that way. All right. Ditto. All right. Let's shake hands or something. Put it there,

pal. Hey, put it there. Hey, Hey, Hey, I'm a newspaper or something. Yeah, put it there, pal. Hey, put it there. Hey, hey, hey, I'm a newspaper man. You hear a, uh, uh, outside. And in the harbor just outside this place is a big ship that says, sex ship.

Painted on its mast. Oh, that must be for you. Yes. Except you gotta get on that boat if you're gonna save face. I'm late. Holy shit, Mr. Tumnus is on that boat. Oh, God. Ew.

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