SitcomD&D - S3 E18: Hypothetigold

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

When the gang encounters a pot of gold with the magical ability to show them what would happen given any hypothetical situation, their egos and friendships will be tested like never before.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Guest Star: Ryan Asher Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnDSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. What I was going to get first was knives, and then they were like, okay, but you need one more character, because that's only six, and I got knives with an exclamation point. Is there a picture of a knife or multiple knives at all near it? No, no, it's just a word.

Somehow that's scarier. Yeah, I agree. Just like based on your all-around disposition and demeanor, I would never guess that like knives was tattooed somewhere on your body. It's awesome. I'm a nice guy, but... And you're a knives guy. And I'm a knives guy.

Knives. I'm a knives guy guy. Nice. Knives. I'm a Knives guy. Elizabeth loves it. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up inside your favorite place in the world, Chuck E. Buster's. And guess who just got back from vacation? That's right, it's Mr. Tummy coming through the front door to kick off the Monday morning meeting.

And he's looking a little relaxed, but also a little worse for wear. It looks like he had an absolute time on the SS sexual, his sex ship that he was on. SS sexual. Both the S's also stand for sexual. Yes. And so he takes off his sunglasses and kind of caresses his brow, and he calls for everyone to come join the morning meeting. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling.

Nice! Oh my God, good job, everybody. I said dice. Oh, I'm so sorry. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

All right, come on in, everyone. Come on in. I am so excited to be back at work. Why? Because I've got ideas, first of all. And also, it's the first vacation that I've taken ever. Why? Well, it was mandatory. They said you need to, first of all. And also, it's the first vacation that I've taken ever. Why? Well, it was mandatory.

They said you need to get out of there. You are toxic in the work environment because of how stressed you are. Oh, we agree with that. Yeah. Right, right. And I did, too. And, uh, let's just say I'm coming back from vacation very relaxed. Why?

Well. Uh, let's just... Okay, well, don't lick your lips. That's even worse. Coming back from vacation, very relaxed. Why? Well. Ew. Okay, well, don't lick your lips. That's even worse. Mr. Talbot, we all saw you on the sex cruise. We saw it. We saw it. We have to admit.

Chip, we said we weren't going to say it. It's just so hard not to look at him. Oh, well, I was supposed to keep that confidential. Yes, let's just say I saw a lot of cool stuff. Why? You didn't do it? You just watched? You just watched it?

What does that mean? Oh, yeah. I saw tons of hot stuff. Oh, no. What is this meeting about? How does this help us? I got to go throw up. Well, okay.

What is this meeting about? Well, it gave me some perspective, and I was trying to crack this nut. And it finally came to me, which is, you know, we've had some personnel issues, right? And some inner workplace relationship issues. I tried switching things up, but that just resulted in one of the branches being burnt down and nothing really improving. We brought in an undercover bosses. That really hasn't improved things much either. And I figured, well, what's the last ditch effort I can make to just try to fix things from within?

And I remembered. Let us go on the sex cruise. Yeah. That'll help. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That'll help. Okay, yeah. Yeah. So we need to fix sadness. You guys being sad isn't good for business.

We're not sad. We're all sad. We're not sad. Or angry or malcontent. Oh, yeah. I guess I'm one of those three. And really, this is coming from the heart. That is bad for profitability.

And so we need to just fix that. And we need to push those emotions down and buckle down and get on top of it. Speaking of buckling down and getting on top of it, the things I saw. Can we move past this? Yeah, we're actually not the right people for you to talk to about this. Unless you can tell us something you did. I don't want to. Oh, I'll tell you something that I did see.

No, come on. It was hard to tell. It was dark when I was looking in their porthole window. Their porthole? Which is kind of a mess. What is this meeting about? You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. Well, I want to fix this team.

So I'm bringing in a person to run a team building exercise. Yeah. Okay. And what they're going to do is fix this place from the inside out. So without further ado, please welcome in Blarney Stone Stinson. A rainbow appears in the middle of Chucky Busters, and he rides it down on his little bum. And standing in front of you is a short little humanoid, even a little shorter than Beef. And he's wearing a little green suit, and he's got a big belt with a gold buckle, and a little top hat, and an orange, bright orange beard.

Hmm. Top of the morning to y'all. How are we doing here at Chalky Busters? What the f*** is this thing? Beef starts crying. What is this? What is this? I'm Blarney Stone Stinson, and I'm here to fix this situation. Oh, cool.

I've never met a leprechaun before. That's not what I am. What? Not a leprechaun. What are you? What are you? I'm a halfling wizard who happens to favor green. Now, Beef, don't worry.

I'm not scared at all of this thing. So I'll protect you because I'm not at all scared of this. Why are you backing up? I, well, because the wall is the safest place to be for protecting. And I'm not scared

of a little confrontation and of a little workplace disagreement. So, if we're going to get to the bottom of what's making all of y'all

so inefficient, well, I guess you'll just have to listen to Blarney Stone Stinson. They're all up against the wall right now. I'll protect you guys. I got it.

I'll protect you. And you just are like a leprechaun enthusiast? No, I don't like leprechauns at all. In fact, I get kind of offended when people call me a leprechaun because I'm not one. Well, good that you like confrontation. Don't get smart with me. We're just getting started. Oh, boy. And saveschaun because I'm not one. Well, good that you like confrontation. Don't get smart with me. We're just getting started. Oh, boy.

And since per service, I'm getting shorter. It looks like he just shrunk an inch. Okay. Is that part of it? Yeah. You can roll for Arcana if you want. Oh, yeah.

I got this. I got this. A four. A 22. Whoa. Seb, you can tell that there's some sort of magic here. Maybe it's a curse. Maybe it's inherent in who he is.

But when he gets overly frustrated or angry, seems like he shrinks. That's so cute. I want that to be what happens with me. You want to be so mad that you disappear? He's just running in a circle laughing. Pretty adorable. Okay, now it seems like we're getting a little bit looser.

Why don't we start off with an easy question, huh? Okay. Just as a little bit of an icebreaker exercise, everyone go around and say something that they love about Chucky Busters. Hi, I'm Talis Glass. I'm the tallest one here. And I love that we get to play with the games after we close. Ah, very good.

Very good. Anybody else? I'm Seb. And thank you. Thank you. Ah, very good, very good. Anybody else? Um, I'm Seb, and... Woo! Thank you, thank you. And I appreciate the dampness of this place. Okay, Mr. Tommy here, I appreciate everyone's honesty, but Chalice, we're not supposed to play games after hours,

and the dampness is because beef keeps pissing all over the place. And I appreciate it. But I appreciate the honesty overall. So thank you. Ice broken. Anybody else? He gets super close to you, Chip. Oh.

Huh? Yeah. Hey, what's up? I'm Chip Ahoy. Woo. Right. Thank you. I like how damp the games are.

Yeah. That was mine. Okay. We're kind of circling some of the same things here Chip did that thing where he lied about doing that thing about coming out of a dragon Oh, I've heard of you Oh, you have heard of me

Yes, yes, you're quite famous around here God, I wish I was famous when I killed a dragon I'm actually going to be a knight one day just so you know just as a heads up so you can keep write that in your book do you have a book?

write it down I don't have a book I keep it all up here in your hat? he taps his hat oh it's not in his head it's in his hat

and you little one Beef's like really taking it back that he can like there's someone else that's eye level with him

well I appreciate that taking it back that he can, like, there's someone else that's eye level with him. Well, I appreciate that all the games are there and damp. But what I love the most is that the prizes are mine. Okay, just point of clarification. The prizes are not beefs. And actually, maybe this is something we can explore, because this has been a repeated problem. Beef, after being told time and time again, day in and day out, that the prizes aren't his...

What? ...refuses to understand that they're not yours. Yeah, they are. Who looks after them? Do you bathe them? Do you? Are you bathing the toys? It is 100% you why everything is so damp.

Yes, okay. Oh, so it's getting a little productive now, isn't it? Already we're making some progress. We're unmasking some mysteries right away. Well, thank you, everyone, for participating so far. You're welcome. I think the ice has been properly broken now, don't you? So why don't we take it to the next level?

Is Mr. Tommy just going to be here the whole time? I kind of am feeling uncomfortable. He keeps admonishing us for giving answers. Yeah, I'd feel safer if you took a break, Mr. Tummy. Um, that's fair. I gotta be honest. I'm absolutely spent and exhausted from everything I saw. Oh, God.

So, please take this seriously, and I hope that you all can come to some sort of agreement so this bickering and infighting stops and we can actually start being productive. So, please, take it seriously. Thank you. And he shuffles off. He licks his lips after he says it,

and he pants like a hot dog. I can't even handle it. Thank God he's gone, though, right, guys? And Beef unbuttons his pants. Oh, I'll take that as a sign of comfortability. I think we're moving in the right direction. Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but what I heard before is that well, there may be some discrepancies about where our standings are within Chucky Busters. And I think what makes a good team is everyone having awareness about their strengths and their weaknesses. So, I've got a little exercise

for us that will help everyone better understand each other's strengths and weaknesses. Would you like to hear how it works? Sure. Yeah, sure. Now that Mr. Tummy's gone, I can be honest, fully honest. I love how wet it is in here, by the way. Oh, it's so damp. It's amazing. It's like a it is in here, by the way. Oh, it's so damp. It's amazing.

It's like a spa. My skin's never been better. My hair is so good right now. The curls. It's so curly. I know. I didn't know we could get curly. I know.

It's amazing. They're all just standing in a circle talking to each other now. And Blarney Stone Stinson, you notice him in the corner pulling over what looks like a big black cauldron, but it's way too heavy for him. A little help here. I got it. I got it. I got it. Chip barrels over and picks it up with one hand as high as he can up into the air.

Where do you need this? Where do you need this? A little overdramatic, but I just put it down in the center of the room. Okay. I throw it up into the air. I run over to where I threw it to catch it and then set it down. Okay. Roll for athletics.

No problem. Trying to show off my strengths. That's a 22. Oh, smart. Wow. Now that is impressive. Yeah. So strongest, number one, right here.

That's me. Are we ranking us? I don't get what we're doing. We're ranking who's the strongest? That's what we're doing? I'm number three. I guess we'll see. And in fact, you will see because what this little pot of gold is able to do,

inside the pot, everyone take a look. Can someone lift me up? I got you. Oh, yeah. to do. Inside the pot, everyone take a look. Can someone lift me up? I gotcha. And what you see is a gold

liquid that, when the liquid stays still, it becomes extremely reflective. And then you can see your reflection perfectly in it, but it seems like there's a shimmer of something else going on in it. This is my pot of gold, and it's magic, as you might suspect. Now, in order to achieve what it's actually able to do,

I'm going to need some things from you. Do we have anything on hand as the following list? Heart stars and horseshoes, clovers and balloons, pots of gold and rainbows, and red balloons. Pots of gold we have. It's right in front of us.

Yeah, we got all of that. The gang's running around grabbing all those ingredients. Okay, okay. And they get plopped into the gold liquid and it starts to glow. All right. So, the way that this will work is we're going to understand each other's strengths and weaknesses. And it'll become pretty evident who's who and what we're all best at. And maybe some things that we need to improve upon.

So, when I give a countdown, the first thing that I'm going to have you do is tell me where you rank in the four proper. If you think you're the strongest, say one. If you think you're the least strong, say four. Are we ready? Yes. Without further ado, where do you think you rank in three, two, one? Third. Two.

One. Did Beef say one? Did I hear that correct? Beef? No, I said three. No, I'm three. No, Beef, I heard you say one. You screamed one in my ear.

You climbed up onto my shoulder and you screamed one in my ear. Like a parrot, Beef. No, I think I said three. So there's already some disagreement here. But don't worry, for the pot of gold shows all. And he beckons to you all to lean over the cauldron in the pot and look back at that reflective gold water. And this time, when it goes still,

all of you see like a movie playing before you on this sheer gold surface. on this sheer gold surface. Whoa. And now we're going to see who is strongest between Chip and Beef in this hypothetical. Okay. Okay. And what you see in the gold reflection as it transports you,

we're now taken to a tall hill. And at the bottom of the hill are two large stones. And it's very clear that the two of you need to roll the stone to the top of the hill. And whoever does that first will be the strongest. Beef, why don't you let me get both of these? All right. No can do, compadre. I'm going to be rolling this guy up style-wise.

Okay, give me strength checks. I rolled a nat 20. Oh my god. But I have a negative one strength. 18. Holy. And so the gang watches in the pot of gold as Beef and Chip both start to push their boulders up the mountain. Beef and Chip both start to push their boulders up the mountain.

And Beef's falling a little bit behind. And Chip is kind of laughing, you can tell. And then Beef just finds another gear. Yeah, he looks up into the heavens. It's like when I'm alone in my house and I can't open up a jar. I look up into the heavens and I call upon all the women in my life. And I'm like, help me. And I always open it.

And that's what happens with Beef. He looks up into the sky and he calls upon all the women. And they hear Beef's call. And Beef is embraced by the spirit of all the women in his life. And that boulder starts flying up the mountainside. He's in a full sprint. And Chip is pouring sweat trying to catch up, but it's too late. The stone man halts Chip without words

just by holding his hand up and says, I've already got my stone. Beef provided it. And Beef is standing on top of the boulder, triumphant. I'm just noticing Beef's huge-ass quads for the first time. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Quadzilla. I've been skipping leg day. Yeah, I've been skipping leg day. So that's probably what this is. I didn't realize we were going to do a leg hypothetical activity. Chip, stop doing push-ups. That is not the right response to that. What's my chest?

I got a strong chest. I throw things with my lower back and my arms, not my legs. How are you this sweaty from three push-ups? Yeah, whoa. It's damp! I'd like to change the ranking. I think I'm second after Beef, and then it's Deb, and then it's Chip.

See, look, we're already learning. This has already been so helpful and enlightening. Now, I think we're starting to understand how my pot of gold operates, aren't we? What happens is you see a hypothetical as it would play out, and it gives you the answers of what is true and what is honest about where your skills and shortcomings lie. Do we have any questions so far?

Is it broken? I love this freaking pot of gold. I love it. Lucky Horseshoes is part of God Balloons. I love this. pot of gold. I love it. Lucky horseshoes is pot of God balloons. I love this. God balloons? No, you didn't put in God balloons, did you? No, no, no. Don't worry.

Oh, thank God. We put there in. Saints per service. I think I'm getting shorter. And he shrinks an inch. He got anxiety ridden and a little bit angry with you guys when he thought you put in God balloons. Oh, okay, okay. All right, what's the next one?

That one kind of sucks, so let's just do a different one. I need a moment, please. Okay. I just shrunk another inch. I wish when I was happy I grew an inch, you know, but life's not fair. When I'm happy, I grow an inch sometimes. When I'm happy, I grow an inch.

Oh. I'd like to high-five Chalice. Yeah, nice. Nice, nice. So, the next question that I've got for the gang here Who do we think is the cheapest? The cheapest in this would be number one Okay, yeah

Okay, let me know where do you think you rank And let the group know in three, two, one I am one I'm three Wait, sorry, I meant to say one Okay, you're coming at me? Did you climb up onto Seb's shoulder and scream that in his ear? Yeah.

No, I don't know if we understood this one. There shouldn't be a fight about who's cheapest. It's a negative pejorative. Well, it's a you, maybe. Yeah, you haven't met us. All of our negatives are positives. Maybe I'll understand a little bit more when we see the hypothetical play out.

And you guys are both shopping for wintertide. Oh, wow. Look at all these dented cans. I love them. Oh, my gosh. Beets. That's perfect for beef because they kind of sound the same. And then, oh, wow.

Canned meat. Chip's going to flip a lid. You know, I think I'm going to buy some of these things for myself. Oh. I deserve it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you do deserve it. You've been doing some like cool stuff and like. Yeah. But like it's winter tide. What are you getting for everyone? I thought about giving them a knowing nod. You know, people don't want gifts that cost money, Seb.

No, I do. I want gifts that cost money. No, I know that. Yeah, no, of course. People want a hug or a little bit of advice or a pat on the head. And you can just do that? Yeah. All right.

Well, I'm putting back these dented cans. I'm going to freaking nod my ass off at some people. I'm going to spank beef. And I'm going to freaking nod my ass off at some people. I'm going to spank beef, and I'm going to give Chip a little freaking head kiss. And Chalice and Seb see a red scarf in the window of a store that they know that Chip would absolutely love. Whoa.

Well, too bad. Wait, no, let's just see how much it costs. Oh, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, yeah. Oh, this scarf? Yeah. Oh. This scarf was knitted by hand and costs 35 gold pieces. Chalice nods at the price and pays the 35 gold pieces.

Oh. I mean, Chip would love this. And I give her a knowing nod. So it seems that Sab is actually the cheapest. Yeah. But whatever happened to that scarf? Jealous? You didn't come home with it. This is fake. This is fake beef. Oh.

You and I never rolled any stones. Oh. Yeah. See, I knew this would be a bit confusing. Okay? It's a pot of hypotheticals. Oh. That's what I should have called it. bit confusing. Okay? It's a pot of hypotheticals. Oh. That's what I should have called it. That makes it clearer. That's good.

Yeah. That's good. And Chip, I probably in that hypothetical was buying it for you as a joke, just as a heads up. Oh, I don't. I mean, it would be, there's no reason for you to buy me a 35 gold scarf. That's kind of ridiculous. Right.

You know, between friends. That's like so much money. Right, right, right, right, right. This hypothetical pot of gold or whatever is, right, right, right, right. This hypothetic pot of gold or whatever is kind of a dud, right? Yeah, I think it's broken. It's like AI. What's going on in here?

Oh, no, it's running a tip-top shape. This is deadly accurate. I think we're doing a lot of progress here. So what do we think about this next category? The most likely to succeed.

Oh. I didn't realize we were doing an easy one. We'll do a ranking now. Here we go. Three, two, one. One. You all said one. I said four.

Beef, that's so sad. I can't sing anymore. What's the point? What's the point of trying to fulfill your dreams? He's looking out the window now. Yeah, I guess that is a good point, Beef. You would be four. Chip.

What? You guys go run. Go have fun. Go run and have fun in the pot. I'll be over here. No. Oh, come on, Beef. No, no.

Come meet us in the pot. You might surprise yourself. Okay, so I know it's a bit confusing, but y'all stay outside of the pot. You're looking into the pot. You're seeing the hypothetical. And it doesn't actually take place. It just shows you the truth. But when do we outside of the pot. You're looking into the pot. You're seeing the hypothetical. And it doesn't actually take place. It just shows you the truth. But when do we get in the pot?

For f***'s sake! And he shrinks two inches. Oh, no. It's okay. It's okay. Okay. Say it's for service. He's shrinking.

Or something. Okay, that was offensive. I'll go. I'll go. Beef, beef. You're not going anywhere! I'll go, I'll go You're not going anywhere We see a banner

at an event that reads 25 year anniversary celebration of Chucky Buster's employment and we go across a dance hall where there's some music happening and people are dressed up a little bit and we see older versions of Chip, Seb, Beef, and Chalice as they acknowledge each other and congregate in the middle of the dance floor and exchange pleasantries about how things have been for them over the course of the last 25 years.

Now I'm going to have all of you roll a history check to see just how well things have gone for you in your life. And so the higher the history check, the better that history was. Chip, is that you, darling? Oh my goodness, I almost didn't recognize you. Tell us, glass? Is it still glass? That's such a funny thing to ask.

Oh, and that must be Beef. Oh, Beef, darling, how have you been? It's so nice to be at this reunion with you. Hey. Hi. Hi, Beef. Hey, guys. Right in this moment, a giant eagle helicopter lands in the middle of the dance floor.

Oh! a helicopter lands in the middle of the dance floor. Whoa! And you can tell that mother effer that if he doesn't get me that golden frickin' cauldron, he's gonna have to find himself a new contract, okay? Hey! Sorry, I was on my other line. How are you guys? What's up?

Sam! Oh my gosh, squad, and you're toad, and that's court. You're not even close. Those weren't even names. I think you would know Chip A. Hoy at this point. If you didn't know before, I think you would know. Of course.

What did I say? I'm sorry. My mind's everywhere. I'm on six continents now. Oh my gosh. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm doing great. Chip, why should we know who you are?

You're kidding, right? You know that thing where you get swallowed by a dragon, you burst your way out killing it? Yeah, I'm doing great. Chip, why should we know who you are? You're kidding, right? You know that thing where you get swallowed by a dragon, you burst your way out killing it? Yeah. I've officially done that 624 times. Whoa. That's amazing. That's incredible.

Yeah, yeah. I made it legal again to kill dragons, and I'm a knight. I'm first knight. Wow. Congrats, my guy. Chalice, what about you? How are you doing?

Oh, enough about me, little B. What about you? Things are not good. And there's a lightning strike. B, are you okay? Lightning just struck you. Yeah. Yeah.

Your little whiskers are smoking. It's been happening a lot lately. Did you get cursed or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw, okay, I met a sandwich in the middle of the woods. It turned out to be a witch, and it cursed me, and I lost everything. I'm bankrupt, can't eat sandwiches, can't taste anything. It was a sand witch?

It was, voice. It was. See? It's following me. Do you hear that? Oh, oh, beef, I feel so relieved. I was in the woods, and I found a sand witch, and she cursed me, and now I live in a cave with a raccoon

who's my ex-husband, but we're staying together until our raccoon kids turn 18. It's hell. So to answer your question, I'm here too. It's not glass anymore. It's Chalice ass. Take off your stupid toupee, Larry. You look like a fucking idiot.

Chalice, you married a raccoon named Larry Ass? Shut up, Chip. I'm happy. I'm thriving. Toad, Chud, Zachary, really great to see you. I actually got a jet, but my assistant's going to be here. You guys are going to love him. His name is Brian or something.

And yeah, I got to go. And then I take off in my thing. And then Brian is here. Dang, Seb seems sad. No, I think he seems like he's doing really good. Brian, do you know? Is he good or bad? He's more mean than sad and more vengeful than anything else.

But yeah, no, he's sad. He's very sad. Whoa, are you a clone of him? Yeah. Oh my God, he's got so much money. Yeah. He's cloning himself? Yeah, there's about 35 of us and this is just phase one of a five phase plan.

Dang, that's too bad. I'm just like happily married with like a bunch of kids and some of those kids have kids. And I got like grandchildren up to my ears, you know, and I'm just like happily married with like a bunch of kids and some of those kids have kids and I got like grandchildren up to my ears, you know, and I'm just like drowning in happiness. I feel bad that I couldn't be coming in on an eagle or whatever with an assistant that's a clone of me. But I guess, you know, you just live the life that you end up living. He's optimized my DNA, so I'm better at combat.

My raccoon kids hate me. Hey, could I be a part of that raccoon family? Wow, that was informative. So we all rolled low, right? Hmm. Seems like some people were extremely successful. Seems like I was pretty happy in the future, which I don't mind too much. I rolled so high that it's kind of like you can be successful, but you're not necessarily happy.

I rolled so high that it's kind of like you can be successful, but you're not necessarily happy. Do you guys think that I will end up marrying a raccoon with a toupee called Larry Ass? No. No. There's no way that that raccoon exists. Yeah, there's no way that that raccoon exists, right? There's no way that that raccoon exists, right? There's no way that that raccoon exists. Are you guys open? It's a little raccoon with a beautiful head of hair.

Get out! Get out of here! All right, all right, all right. Amy, that's out. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you?

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It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Well, how about we see a little bit of a hypothetical that brings us a little closer together? Who do we think the best teammate of the bunch would be? Oh. If you think you're the best teammate of the crew, give yourself a one.

Now, I'll do the countdown. Three, a two, one. One. Two. Oh, is that right? Seb, I think that you're more than a three. Yeah, you're probably like a four. No, no, no.

Me and Beef are either one and two, and then Chalice is probably three, and then so you're four. Yeah, you're right, Chalice. No, Seb is a way better team player than you, Chip. Than me? Yeah. When I said three, I was like, he's a big, fat, stinky pile of four. Yeah, Seb was being a team player in his answer. Whoa.

Is this about how I'm not part of the Repayers and the three of you are? Yeah. You are always sleeping when we're the Repayers. It's so irritating. We have to do all this work, and we have to work with this red rhino guy that smells like ass. But he's so hot. Oh, so he's probably your number one teammate. Yeah, for sure.

I love him. Really? Yeah, I love him. Aw. She can't stop saying love. I love him. Why? I can tell you he's not even here.

Just like when Mr. Tummy kept on saying scene. Yeah, that was scary. That was really scary. Speaking of seeing. Oh. You're still here. Oh, my God. What?

Me? Blarney Stone Stinson? Of course I'm still here. Why is it your name Blarney Stonson? Chip, we talked about this. It's rude to tell people why their name is. What they should be named. People don't get to pick their own names.

Oh, yeah. Every single day I get told, wouldn't it be better if her name was Blarney Stonson? And I've had it up to here. Oh, up to here is shorter now. Yeah, the visual is very, very funny on this. Well, let's just take a look at what happened then, shall we?

It's all four of you again this time. And this hypothetical takes place in Bottoms Up. And Bottoms Up has been trashed by pirates. And it needs to be cleaned before you guys open. I feel responsible. This probably was because of something that I did in the darkness of my past. That's okay, Seb.

Good luck, everybody. And Chalice sets up a beach chair and is drinking a martini with sunglasses on. Just going, dreams are nothing more. And Beef is her butler. Man. Does the drink satisfy? Make it again! And Chalice throws it.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. I'm sadly using a push broom. And Chip starts investigating. He puts on like a Sherlock Holmes hat and he starts investigating to try and find the pirates. Hmm. If I follow these footsteps, they might lead me and I can kill them and take all the money for what they're worth. Helpful, but in the end of the day, not very helpful, right? I'm using my skills.

Pick up a mop. Helpful, but not really that helpful. Kind of like what everyone is doing in this situation. But not really that helpful. Kind of like what everyone is doing in this situation. Okay, Beef, you have a plastic baggie of sand that you are just pouring onto the ground. That is not helpful right now. That's my bag of sand.

Ah, I feel like we learned a lot there, did we not? Yeah, I think we're all threes. Well, I know this can be tough, so what if we broke it up again and got a little bit light with it? Who do you think is the funniest of the bunch? Oh, okay. Another easy one. Let me know your ranking in three, two, one. I am one. One.

Two. Nobody's funnier than Beef. Oh. Y'all are nuts, right? Chalice? Seb? You think you're funnier than Beef. Y'all are nuts, right? Chalice? Seb? You think you're funnier than Beef. Of course.

Did you hear how Gidget? We're always f***ing laughing. I think I'm just a little bit more cerebral than you guys. Gidget is your bar for sense of humor? Okay, now it all makes sense. She's the second funniest person I know, so yes. And who's the first? Beef.

I am. Honestly, Geppetto Pinocchio is maybe the funniest person I know. So yes. And who's the first? I am. Honestly, Geppetto Pinocchio is maybe the funniest person in this bar, and if the band ever had to participate in any work thing, they would have to be in this ranking, but he's not, so. Do not wake me up! Geppetto, you were awake. No, I'm

asleep right now. Your eyes are open. You're mocking us. You're so close to waking me up, and then you're going to regret it. You got to let him sleep. You got to let him sleep. You got to let me sleep. You got to let people sleep is the phrase, and you're not a people. Whoa. Oh, yeah?

Oh. What am I? I'm your worst f***ing nightmare. That's what you... Oh, jeez. I love it. I love it. And I'm going to sleep. Good night, Geppetto. You it. I love it. And I'm going to sleep.

Good night, Gevanna. You know what, guys? I think I'm going to change my answer. I think I'm a four. No, you're definitely not a four. Beef, yes. I am one now. No, I am one.

What does the pot say? All right, let's all go. Let's all, and Beef puts one foot in. No, Beef, don't go in there. No, Beef. I tried to warn you. Don't do it. You see a comedy club

and one at a time you're all gonna perform except for Chip who is front row in this audience that's filled with about 30 people woo

woo woo so everyone roll for performance Jesus Christ okay four plus three so seven please welcome to the stage, the very talented, the very funny Chalice Glass.

Hey everybody, I'm Chalice Glass. Yeah, Chalice. And I'm going to tell you some jokes tonight. It's Chip. Knock, knock. Who's there? Roach. Roach who? I roached my stand up earlier today, but then I lost a piece of paper. Crickets. Knock, knock. Who's there? Sue.

Sue who? Please don't sue me for doing so bad at the stand up. Boo. Use the cane. Knock, knock. Can cane. Knock, knock. Cane. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Cane. Cane who? Cane, you please help me and give me another chance. And a cane pulls Chalice offstage. Too funny for a seven. Too funny for a seven. Please give a warm welcome to our next performer. You know him. You know him.

You love him. Beef. Beef. Yeah. What did you roll, Beef? I rolled a 12. Okay. With your performance modifier?

Yeah, I rolled a 7 plus 5. Oh, no. Hey, guys. It's me, your guy, Beef, right? Hey, it's Chip. Chip, hey. I'm up, your guy, Beef, right? Hey, it's Chip. Chip, hey. I'm up here. Yeah, I know.

I love you. I love you. Yeah, I'm just going to say, like, don't ever, like, have goals or think about who you are. It doesn't matter. Life's going to just kind of knock you down, and it's just going to make you feel like, well, what's the point? Like, what's the point? Okay.

And I think that's enough from Beef. Beef gets the cane. Pretty good. Pretty good. What did you roll, Seb? I rolled a 17 minus my negative one charisma modifier, so 16. Okay. Damn.

And last but not least, we've got a very special guest with us today. The controversial Sebastian Mon Hugh Grant. Yeah, Seb. It'srant. Yeah, Sam. It's Chip. Hey, everybody. And can you say hi to my little ventriloquist dummy I have here? A little guy named Chap A Hello. That's Chap A Hello.

Hi, Chap. Hey, how's everybody doing tonight? I'm Chap. Loud fart. Hi, Chap. Hey, how's everybody doing tonight? I'm Chap. Loud fart. What an idiot. I'm going to be a knight. All right. Hey, let's do some crowd work.

You there in the front, what do you do for a living? Me? Oh, I'm going to school to be a knight. Hey, don't fart on him. You shouldn't fart on audience members, Chap. I'm Chap Ahoy. That's Chap Ahoy. I thought it was Chap A Hello.

Shut the f*** up, all right? Do I come to your place of work? Do I tell you how to study to be a knight? No, I guess not. That's right. Chip loves puppets that are mean to him. Damn, that was funny. That character is hysterical.

That little puppet guy was so funny. I told you guys, I'm a four. Hey, Beef, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. You're a one. Don't feel like a one right now when he kicks the cauldron. Hey. Hey, careful. I know you're not feeling great, but when he kicks the cauldron. Hey. Hey, careful! I know you're not feeling great, but don't

kick the hypothetical. I'm sorry. No feeling is forever, Beef. We're gonna get through this. I hope so. Beef, is there one that might boost your confidence that we could see? Hmm. Maybe who's the most stinkiest? Just to clarify, do you want to be the stinkiest?

Yeah. It's gonna be hard though want to be the stinkiest? Yeah. It's going to be hard, though, because Chalice is up there. Don't. I was just so nice to you. Okay, I'll give you a countdown, and you tell me. Where do you think you fall for stinkiest? Three, two, one. Four.

Four. It's at four. One. Yeah, see, you're good. You're good, and none of the other rest of us are stinky. No, no. We have to go into the pot. We're going to go into the pot.

I don't go into it. Yeah, let's get into the pot. My shoes are off. I'm getting into this pot. So you're in like a closed off lift together, like basically, you know, a fantasy operator, a fantasy elevator, and the doors close, and the four of you are standing in there. Everyone give me a constitution saving throw,

because you all have some gas right now, and we're going to see who's the stinkiest. Anyone who rolled under 10 lets one squeak out. 10. 4. 14. 7. Oh, no. Oh no.

I'm sorry. I've been eating a lot of farts. Bad stuff. Chalice is going to try to punch up through the elevator to get out. Give me a strength check. Finally. 19 plus 1. Oh my gosh.

Chalice has never looked more badass. She rockets her fist at the ceiling, bursts a hole through a, like, trap door on the top of the elevator, and escapes out. Chalice! Oh, my... Why did she...

Oh, it's so bad. She definitely farted. She definitely tooted and looted. Yeah. Oh, my God. so bad. She definitely farted. She definitely tooted and looted. Oh my God. I'm so strong! Oh my God. That was really cool,

Chalice. Holy hell. Chalice, you look strong, but you did... That was a big ol' stinky one. Not the point. That was the point. The strong one was earlier. We already established beef is the strongest. I mean, I'm the strongest. History will say chalice is wrong. Well, a portrait would say chalice farts stinky farts.

Yeah. I f***ing hate that portrait. What's the next one? I'm dying to know. The next one is actually who is the smartest. Oh. Oh. So, let's get our rankings straight.

And give me your number. At three, 2, 1. One. Oh. Okay. Well, let's check it out. Sweat is dripping off everyone's brow as they've never been more concentrated on solving a Rubik's Cube because you guys made a bet that whoever finishes the Rubik's Cube first doesn't have to help clean the ball pit.

So give me an intelligence saving throw. 17 plus 3. 19. guys made a bet that whoever finishes the Rubik's Cube first doesn't have to help clean the ball pit. So give me an intelligence saving throw. 17 plus 3. 19. Unnatural 20. Whoa. 10. Beef, did you just take a bite of your Rubik's Cube like it's an apple?

It doesn't taste that bad. If there's fewer pieces, that doesn't mean you can finish it faster. Whoa. And I'm done I got it I had it I had it Beef distracted me What?

Yeah, beef distracted me And I still finished first Oh, phew I am the smartest Thank God I got it I mean, I was distracted Clearly distracted by beef

Seb is trying to come for me How many things have I solved? He's trying to be the stinkiest And the funniest In this season Get out of trying to be the stinkiest and the funniest. Get out of here, Seb. I'm not taking anything from you. You were not even close on that one, and neither was Seb, quite frankly. Everybody calm down.

Everybody calm down, because it sounds like you're fighting. But maybe we then should see who is the best fighter. Who do you think would win in a fight between all four of you? Hell yeah. It's on. It's on. Let's go. I'm more of a lover myself.

Okay. Give me your ranking in three, a two, one. One. Somewhere between three, four, and two for me. Well, Beef, who do you think would win in the fight? Well, isn't that what the hypogogogogogold is for? It's a hypothetical, and get your foot out of it. But it's warm.

For f***'s sake, I'm getting shorter. What you guys see is a Mortal Kombat-looking platform that the four of you have already been battling on for God knows how long. You're battered, bruised, and bleeding, and the four of you are still squared off. And I'm actually going to have all of you subtract 15 HP from your current hit points right now. So can everyone say

where that leaves them? That leaves me with four hit points. Eight. Ten. And the crew was really nice to Beef. He has a 14 hit point, so he would essentially be dead, but we gave him one point. Everyone roll for initiative. This is going to matter a lot, I feel like.

It really will. I botched. 11. Unnatural 20. Also unnatural 20. F*** you. Come on, man. What's your initiative? Plus one. F*** you. Come on, man. What's your initiative?

Plus one. Okay. Well, I'm plus two. So Chip starts it. That's the tiebreaker. Chip, what do you do? Seb, I'm sorry. We're just simply not as close as we used to be.

And I take my battle axe. Oh my God. And I swing it at Seb. Oh, my God. 21 to hit. Yeah, you know it's going to hit. What am I supposed to say to that? Come on.

Eight damage. Oh, yeah, yeah, that kills me. Seb's toast. Oh, damn. I'm sorry, Seb. Maybe in another life we can be close once again. It smacks him off the top of the mountain and he goes flying. And then there's like a hot rod-esque me falling down the mountain and it's like four or five minutes long.

Just kind of a montage of me just tumbling. Well, here's the thing. Oh, you got a bonus action? Yeah, I would like to. No. Jesus. Is anyone else in shape? Well, I'm sorry.

You guys get spells and I get my things. We don't even get to use our spells, man. Yeah, I never get to use my spells. And it's all your fault. I'm going to use my action surge to use one additional action to finish off Beef. And he's so close. With my battle action. Finish me off.

Finish me off. Does a 22 hit Beef? Weirdly enough, yeah. Seven damage. battle action finish me off finish me off does a 22 hit beef weirdly enough yeah seven damage beef we're equally as close as we used to be but you're gonna have to die i understand and he does a salute as he falls and chalice you're up chalice walks up to Chip and gets really close to him and goes, are you sure you want to do this? I've already knocked off my two closest friends, so why not? Okay. Chalice is going to use Firebolt.

Oh, point blank right into his heart. Oh, thank God. I rolled a natural 20. Oh, natural 20 on the Firebolt. And then do I do the damage? Yeah, roll for damage. So it's a D10. I rolled a natural 20. Oh, natural 20 on the firebolt. And then do I do the damage? Yeah, roll for damage. So it's a D10. I rolled a 10.

Oh my, and it's double damage, which is 20 because you crit it. Okay, in slow motion, as it starts to rain, Chalice looks like she's about to kiss him. And then she does a firebolt right to his heart, like Seb said. And he goes back in slow motion like in Watchmen going back towards falling off the mountain and then Chalice drops to her knees and goes, No! Why?

She screams why, but as she does, she looks over the edge to see Chip hanging on by a branch because he uses his relentless endurance when you are reduced to zero hp but not killed you can drop to one hp instead once per long rest no and he climbs himself up stop oh my god this is so hot so chip climbs himself up to the top of the mountain clenches his fist and throws his chest back and like screams. And then he uses second win to regain 1d10 plus 3 HP. Damn it.

So I gain back 9 HP. So I'm back up to 10 where I started. I look at Chalice and I say, nice try, Chalice. And I go in seemingly for a kiss once again, but I wink and I swipe up my battle axe. Chip, don't. I love you. What?

I love you. I'm in love with you. Don't. You love me. Yeah, I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I love you. And I loved you the second I walked into Bottoms Up

and I just never thought that you'd love someone as ridiculous and dramatic as me. You're so cool and you're so brave and I'm sorry. You can kill me. I'll fly off the mountain. You don't have to be sorry, but I don't know. I guess I'm taken. And then I swipe up and I finish her off. Whoa. Whoa, Chip. What the fuck is your problem? This is hypothetical. Does a 16 hit you? Armor class 16. That's a yes, right?

And 10 damage. Yeah, that's it. So Chip swings up and she flies off. Jealous. I love you too Everyone's Jaws are dropped Seb comes out of the bathroom Chalice tries to knock over the

Hypothetical. Don't touch it! No it's broken I also try to knock it over. It's broken It's broken. It's busted anyway It's absolutely destroyed and busted. Give me a strength check then. I roll a 21. I rolled a 7. Both Chip and Chalice knock over the

pot of hypothetical and it pours all over the floor of Chucky Busters and as soon as it leaves the pot it transforms from that gold liquid into heart stars and horseshoes, clovers and balloons, pot golden rainbows, and me red balloons. It like goes back into its parts rather than what it makes together in the pot.

What have you done? You spilled my hypothetical. I can't believe this. It doesn't even work. Oh yeah, that thing was busted as hell. Okay, no, forget it. This is the worst, worst group of people I've ever worked with in my life. Just sign the contract.

This is what it was all leading up to. And when you read it, it says, we promise never to be sad or have emotions other than profitable ones at work ever again. Whoa, what the? Profitable emotions? No, whatever. I'll sign it.

No, hell no. No, don't sign that. We're not signing this. You know what, man Profitable emotions. No, whatever. I'll sign it. No, hell no. No, don't sign that. We're not signing this. You know what, man? Get the hell out of here. I'm so tired of these Chucky Busters nightmares. You guys are the worst.

Get out of here. We were fine this morning between the four of us. And now, we're probably not going to talk for a few days. It's going to be really, really f***ing awkward.

This is a mess that you caused. Yeah, you don't know awkward. This is a mess that you caused. Yeah, you don't know us. You don't know anything about us. I don't know. It might be nice if we just didn't talk about our emotions ever again

or something. Is that no? Disagree? No, what happened? I was in the bathroom. What happened, you guys? Nothing. We're not signing this.

Can Chalice rip up the contract? Sure. Quit saying that we're family. You're not our family, all right? We're family. Yes. Nothing. We're not signing this. Can Chalice rip up the contract? Sure. Quit saying that we're family. You're not our family, alright? We're family. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, we're all like siblings. Yeah. Blood-related siblings. I like that a lot, Chip. Yeah.

Well, clearly you've got a lot to work out then. I've been working with you for only the better part of an hour and a half, and from what I've seen, there's just a lot to unpack here. So, I best be on my way. And you're right. We're not family. And I don't like you very half. And from what I've seen, there's just a lot to unpack here. So I best be on my way. And you're right. We're not family. And I don't like you very much. And you took a foot and a half off me life. Look how much shorter I am. That's because of you. I'll never get that back. Unbelievable. Well, why not heart-shaped balloons and horseshoes and gogoons? You get on

out of here. You get your leprechaun ass out of here right now. I'm not a leprechaun! You are a leprechaun. And as he screams that, he shrinks an entire additional foot. He's like eight inches tall right now. Aw. Get out! I'm working on it.

I can't move the door now. And he's pushing on the door as hard as he can. It's a pool. Can we flick him? Like, flink. Yeah, you can flick him. All right. Beef takes him and he puts him between his thumb

and he flicks him out the door. And he cartwheels through the air and then somehow catches a rainbow and rides it out of the room. Whoa. Damn. That is a leprechaun. That for sure was a leprechaun.

So. That was a rough day, huh, guys? Yeah. Yeah. It's that time again. Oh, my God. No! Chucky busts his hands.

Actually, I might need this right now. Pretend you're eating some cheese. Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys. You put your hands on your knees. And have an allergy while I play on these reeds. Now this one here is an absolute must. Turn your face up to the sky and scream. Now cha-cha once. Great. Now let's try it together. So everyone's at different sides of Chucky Busters pretending to keep busy and not really ready to address one another after the debacle that was Blarney Stone Stinson

and his magic pot of hypothetical. When who walks in the door but none other than... Oh, man, what a trip. Jennifer. Jennifer, where have you been? On the SS Sexual. Having the time of my life. The things I saw.

Guys, I have a lot of questions and a lot of answers as it applies to pleasure. Great. Nothing weird happened here. Yeah. Things are normal here. Yeah. Everything's normal and Beef's like sweeping the ceiling. Yeah, everything was so normal that we want to hear exactly what happened on that.

You guys want to hear from me? Yep, please. Yeah, anything. Just keep talking. Fill the Dutch face. Okay, so there we are. 18 of us. Loose, sweaty, and ready for the ride of our lives.

You know, I think I'm going to go to bed. Yeah, I'm a little tired. Yeah, yeah, and ready for the ride of our lives. You know, I think I'm going to go to bed. Yeah, I'm a little tired. Yeah, yeah, me too. And Chip starts walking away, and then he turns back. He's like, come on, details, baby, details. I love Larry Ass. Larry Ass. Larry Ass.

Accidentally created a character that's going to be around a lot. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Pair wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 60 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon...

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