SitcomD&D - S3 E19: Chuck E. Union Buster

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

Fed up with the deplorable working conditions of Chuck E. Busters, the gang threatens to unionize. But with this company, fighting for your rights might also mean fighting for your life. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Ben Briggs Edited by: Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guessed it. I'm getting some weird looks. Did that sound like a different delivery than usual? Sounded like a different person than usual. Sean couldn't make it today. I'm Zaps Kodarski. And I'll be your DM.

Zaps, I'm scared. You should be. Oh, my gosh. I actually know how to DM. And I'm mean Oh no, not again Last week, just to give you a little bit of a Bye Zaps Later guys

Bye Zaps, we love you So to give you a little bit of a lead in From last episode Bye, Zaps. We love you. So to give you a little bit of a lead in from last episode, where we left off is you guys flicked off Blarney Stoneman and got him the hell out of there. And you guys came to a conclusion that it's not you guys that are the problem, but it's Chucky Busters that's the problem. Needless to say, y'all are on edge with the establishment. But the wheel of capitalism keeps on turning,

and today is another day in the hellhole that is Chucky Busters. So we'll pick up there. We're quiet on set, sound speeding. And we're rolling. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Good morning everyone, gather round, gather round The ending is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Good morning, everyone. Gather round, gather round. Where are those smiles? Come on, we talked about this.

Productivity, come, come, come. What? Why did you say come, come, come? All right, you've been so weird since the sex cruise, dude. I do have an announcement today before we get going with the work day. We are going to start working night shifts. Yay! Crickets. Whoa.

Nice. Whoa. I'm jealous. You each get inspiration for that. That was really cool. Oh. really oh oh nice i'm sorry we're doing night shifts instead of our current shifts oh no um well you know uh corporate uh we looked into it and uh we found that uh there's a chance that we can be eight percent more profitable if we stay open 24-7. But don't worry, every fourth night, one of you will have a shift off. Wait a second.

Okay, so we're working 100% more of the time for an 8% increase? Oh, you won't see the increase. That's on the profit side. Your pay will, let me double check, remain the, no, it will not remain the same. Actually, we're going to have to make some cuts. What? What? Is make some cuts. What? What? Get a decrease?

What? Do you hear yourself? I'm just curious. Can you hear yourself as you're talking out loud, Mr. Temmie? That's insane. Yeah, you sound like a crazy man. Also, weren't you talking about how you bought your mom a nice ring with your bonus check the other night? Yeah, also, why did you buy your mom a ring?

What? I get buying your mom jewelry, but a ring is the wrong kind of jewelry to buy your mom. No, it was a good moment. I had it planned. We did the rope jump at Vice Canyon, and then at the bottom, I gave her a ring. You told me it was three months' salary, all right? Like, that's insane. Your bonus was three months salary, all right?

Like, that's insane. Your bonus was three months salary? Three of your months salary. I don't care. I'm going to kill him. Hey, I got to open up the doors because we're starting the workday, okay? I'm sorry about this. No, no, no, no, and no.

We're having an emergency meeting. This is unacceptable. I've been watching and everybody's been truncing on my little head, all of our heads. You need us to make this all happen. You can't open that door without us. We're going to have a meeting right now to talk about it, okay? All right, okay. Listen, we can do an emergency meeting.

So as you guys all file into Mr. Tummy's office, you see three chairs on one side of the table, and then Mr. Tummy takes a seat on the other side and then pulls out a second chair on his side of the table and goes, Mr. Beef? Beef looks at his friends. And then Beef looks at the chair. Beef, no.

And he goes over and he sits on the chair. Which one? The one that Mr. Tummy sat on. You sit in Mr. Tummy's lap? Yeah. You said he sits in the chair that Mr. Tummy sat in. Yeah, I know. Okay, so Beef sits down on Mr. Tummy's lap.

Okay. Yeah, I know, Sean. I'm actually not sure how to feel about that yeah listen guys it's guys yeah it's bad it's not good it's really bad uh i had mr tummy uh break the news to you today earlier today because he is the boss you told him to do that? Yeah. And I told him to tell you quick if you're going to tell him. Tell him now is what I said. My hands are tied. Beef, you were really on the failed artist turned villain pipeline.

And I don't like it one bit. I understand why there is some frustration. Is that the main focus of the meeting? Is there anything else you wanted to talk about or should we just get right into the night shift? Oh, I got something to say to you guys, all right? Well, mainly to you, Mr. Tummy. All right, we were not a part of any decision

for 8% profits and everything. We're not seeing any sort of share there. Correct, correct. Yeah, just wanted to make that clear before I say this. You can't do that without us. So what's stopping us from going on strike? Woo! Oh, whoa.

Okay, well, let's just, let's get through this meeting. Maybe we can come to some sort of compromise and figure out a solution here before people go jumping to strike. Everyone calm down, calm down. Mr. Tummy's got her back. Right, Mr. Tummy? That's right.

And I've got your tummies. And he tries to tickle your guys' tummies. No, don't. No, no. Chalice gets a sheet of paper, and with charcoal, she writes Union on it and then holds it up like sally field whatever that movie is i i understand that we're upset um but maybe this is as good as time as any

to welcome uh a couple new team members um that this was always the plan they were always going to start today okay and they're real employees of the company. Why don't you guys welcome Jean and Claude. Hello. My name is Jean, and this is my cousin Claude. And we love, we are new here. Well, no, we've worked here, right, we've worked here for forever. And we love it. We're never going to go on strike.

Didn't I see you two in a play like a week ago? Oh my God. Les Miserables. No, that must have been other people, but were they good, did you think? No. How many tickets is a sticky hand? How many tickets is a sticky hand?

Oh, at least... He doesn't know. He stopped talking. Does this mean that we're going to get to sleep more than every fourth night? Like, what is these new two people? Like, does that help us? I'm just trying to take a general temperature of the room and see how our employees feel. No, those guys don't work here.

Those are fake guys. They're fake guys. Those aren't work here. Those are fake guys. They're fake guys. Seb, those aren't real people. Can I roll for perception to see if they are the guys I did see in a play last week? Yes. Natural 20 plus four. Ooh. Not only do you recognize these guys from the play, you know exactly which part they played.

You remember their faces from the playbill. You remember so much about what their background is. Watch this. Watch this. They won't be able to not take the bait. Do you hear the people sing? Singing their songs with all the bells. They are the people gathered in the street.

Your mom will never tell. Oh my God, my God. I love working here at Chucky Busters. I'll work for even less money, too. You called it Chucky Busters. It's actually Chucky Bunsters. Oh, I mean Chunky Bunsters. Oh, it is Chucky Busters. You got him. You got him.

Got him. So they're new. They're new. Why does everyone just, okay, including you, Jean and Claude, take a seat. And Mr. Tummy places a lantern on the desk and extinguishes all the other lights. And the lantern's glow glows on the wall. And you start to see what would appear to our eyes is like old-timey, grainy footage. Hello! You're probably sitting there thinking, man, my job's tough.

But let me tell you, you don't want to go on strike or start a union. That's even worse! Here's a couple examples of why. Hey, Tommy, your union dues are due. Oh gosh, I don't have very much money these days. I thought we were supposed to get more bargaining power, but I haven't gotten a raise in years. Yeah, and your union dues are gonna go to the union leaders who are going to make millions and billions of dollars. They'll count their money as they laugh at you.

I hear those fat cats play with laser pointers. Yeah, and they kill kids and dogs. I love dogs. That makes me immensely sad. Is that okay? That was really good.

Thank you. We're going to cut this. Are we still rolling or? And what if we had checked in with some other guys? Hey, I'd like to negotiate for my salary. Is that all right? Be grateful for what you've been given. What? Is this because I'm in a freaking union?

We have your wife. What? Is this because I'm in a freaking union? We have your wife. What? What about my son? Where's Jacob? Gone. Gone? What do you mean gone? What did you do with him? You have to work to get them back. Are we allowed to improvise this much every take, or...? Absolutely not.

But we could only get union actors. Oh. Maybe you'll think twice about joining any unions. I'm genuinely concerned that my scene partner stole my son, Jacob. No, he definitely did. Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

So, maybe we'll think twice next time before bringing up anything like going on strike or starting a union, huh? What the fuck was that? That was terrifying. That was a scary movie if I've ever seen one. I want to go on strike. I don't know about you guys.

Let's go on strike. Guys, guys, guys. Beef stands up out of Mr. Tummy's lap lap we do not need to onionize all right we do not need to do anything any sort of onionizing in any way we're friends guys we're working together here right yeah we're all the best friends oh are we best friends because i believe we were told to leave all personal stuff at the door. All right? So I guess we're not friends. We're just a bunch of employees, and half of us are underpaid employees.

Good point, Chip. I'm going on strike. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strike.

Where are you going? It's that time again. No, stop. Shut up. You shut your mouth. Get your fucking hands off me. your f***ing hands off me! You get your f***ing hands off me, okay? You don't sing to me and I'm not dancing no more.

We're on strike. And I throw him across the room. But he's connected to strings, so he just comes back. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

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A bullhorn out of different cones. And she's starting a bunch of chants that don't rhyme and don't make much sense. And it's talking in mostly Newsies dialogue. Chip has red bloodshot eyes because he realized that the place where he works is also the place he sleeps so he couldn't sleep in his home last night so he's been up all night luckily he's been crafting using the rat mascot he has one of those like giant inflatable rats that you see outside and at strikes and then uh seb also has red eyes but that's because he has spent all night coming up with very clever signs for them all to use with such things as Chuck E. Buster's more like Chuck E. This isn't fair how much they're paying us. They should be paying us know, uh, treated as human and,

and, and we can have our, uh, we can weigh in on decisions and it's like very small print. Yeah. Seb, it's like did a happy birthday thing where he started really big with the lettering. And then he miscalculated.

And I'll be like, and, uh, and, uh, and yeah, uh, all those are included in the text.

Yeah. Um, and, uh, and yeah, uh, all those are included in the text. Yeah. Um, and then, uh, Jennifer walks outside and does a huge stretch. Yeah. What are we doing? We're striking. Oh, shit. We should have all the other rats strike too. Do they work here?

I thought we weren't allowed to have rats. Oh my God. Yeah. They would definitely strike. You guys strike too. Do they work here? I thought we weren't allowed to have rats. Oh my God. Yeah, they would definitely strike. You guys didn't know what they're doing? They're basically being snow piercered here. No. Yeah. What?

So like all the games when like a cog breaks down, Chip, I don't know if you've noticed, but like what Mr. Tummy does at night is he replaces all the missing cogs with rats and puts them in the game to make it keep working. That's so sad. Yeah, that makes sense, because I have no clue how the games work. Yeah, let me go get them. Once the rats come outside, Chalice gathers everyone up with her bullhorn. And just indulge me for a second, guys. I'm so sorry I have to do this.

It's like holding in a sneeze if I don't. and buster they think we're nothing are we nothing no chuck and busters they think they got us do they's got us even though we ain't got hats or badges're a union just by saying so. And the world will know. Yeah, go. Yeah, go. And can I roll for persuasion to see if I've gotten the rats on my side by singing the first 10 seconds of a Newsy song? Yes.

I'm going to give you, Erin, I'm going to give you advantage. That was very good. Thank you. Yeah, that was incredible. Oh, the 19 plus five. 24. The rat's just in a cacophonic big ball of noise all together raise their tiny fist, and they would die for the cause now.

Chalice hands them all a bunch of newsies caps. And with that, can you guys... Seb, why don't you roll for perception for me? Unnatural 20. Whoa. You see four people walking into Chucky Buster's wearing the purple polos of a Chucky Buster employee. They are four dwarves.

They look a dwarves. They look a lot alike. Two of them, you immediately recognize, Seb, as Jean and Claude. Hey, Jean, Claude, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're on strike. Come over here. Oh, I'm sorry.

We have work. We are going to Chucky Buster's for our work time. Scab! Scabs! Yeah. I point out that their arms are covered in scabs. You two, before you go in, I bet you wouldn't want to do this, but we have this whole audience here in this platform, and I have this bullhorn here.

You wouldn't want to sing a song or perform for the group, right? Um, I mean, what do you think, Claude? We have a couple minutes before our shift starts. What do you guys think? Van? Damn? Yeah? Okay, well.

From the darkness of the door, the Chucky Buster's door, you can hear Beef be like, you're gonna be late for your shift. Beef emerges and indulge me on this as well. I'm dressed like Iago from Aladdin. So you're in a parrot costume? He's naked.

He's naked with feathers. And he's got this evil sidekick vibe going on. He says, beef? Oh, no, no, beef. All I know is work. Now, get these abled hands and bodies in here. Anyone that can work, work, work. Beef, did you fall into a pillow?

Like, what happened? Sorry, this guy absolutely freaks us out. We're going to get to work now. Maybe we can perform afterwards if you guys are still here. No, only now. Okay, why don't you both roll for persuasion? We're going to have opposed persuasion rolls. And Elizabeth, if you want to roll for intimidation instead of persuasion, it's up to you.

13 plus 5, 18. I have a plus 7 intimidation, and I rolled a 12. Oh, you beat me. So that's a 19. And they look over at the little makeshift stage and all the rats wearing little newsy caps, and their heart is just torn in two because they want to perform with the gang, but they look into Beef's eyes and he means business.

And so they just, John and Claude and Van and Dan, they hang their heads low and they walk into Chucky Buster's. Squaw! What is going on with Beef? I mean, he's been acting weird since he found out he can't sing anymore,

but this is dark. What do we do? A parrot right now? Beef is the enemy. All right. Beef has taken corporate side for some reason. All right. We got to stand up for what's right.

All right. Our rights. You know, we're the workers. Hey everybody. Uh, Mr. Tommy here.

I just wanted to peek my. You're a sex pervert. Mr. Tummy here, just wanted to peek my... Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! You're a sex pervert! Whoa, whoa. I just have seen some things. That's the worst thing you can say, and I'm sticking to it. But listen, listen, listen. This kills me to see you guys out here.

Beef and I, we just... We talked talked last night and we're talking now. We would love to just, if you have some demands, we just want to be heard and we want you to be heard. So if you guys wouldn't mind, we'll just meet with you one at a time and see if we can't figure something out. So I don't know, who wants to go first? Chip? Chip, do you want to take a meeting with management? See if we can't figure something out. So I don't know who wants to go first. Chip, Chip, do you want to take a meeting with management? See if we can hash this out.

It's like an interrogation. They're trying to split us up. Stay strong. Okay. You got this. I got it. I remember. Remember what's at stake,

huh? I'm pressing my head against his head. Remember what's at stake. I kiss him on the forehead and I go in, but I'm still holding a sign that says, fuck you, buster. I missed that before. a sign that says, fuck you, Buster. I missed that before if you said that.

That's funny. I did not say that. That's good stuff. Take a seat, Chip. Take a seat. Take a seat, Chip. Take a seat. We wanted to just make sure that we were listening to you.

Okay? Okay. Yeah. We want... I'm going to be blunt. I'm going to be blunt and I'm going to be honest. I think you're a great worker and I want you back on the team, Chip. And what's it going to take? What's it going to take?

First of all, you got to stop letting Beef freak me out like this. Beef's being a little weirdo. I got to be honest. This was not planned. I didn't request the parrot thing. Oh, you don't have like a snake scepter or anything like that? I also gotta be honest, there is no mind control happening here. There's no other subplot.

Like, this is just Beef taking some ownership in his job. That's fair, that's fair. Beef does stuff like this. Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not mind controlling me. No, of course not. We're not mind controlling you at all. I did this on my own volition.

Yes, like a good manager. Ew. And Beef gets up and he shakes it off. And he goes, ew, ew, ew. Beef, can I talk to you in a second then? Can you get out of there? I'm going to have just a one-on-one with Chip then. Yeah, yeah, you better.

No, I don't mind. I don't mind, actually. No, yeah, I'm sticking here. I'm staying here. Yeah, I actually would like his support. This is feeling better. Okay, well, this is already going a different direction than I originally assumed it would.

I'm just going to be blunt again. I love you guys. I want you on the team. What can we do to make it so that you're back to working as a cog in this big machine? You know, obviously, the recent changes aren't doing

anybody good, okay? We can't work a night shift and a day shift. It's unreasonable. And more money, or the same money. Just the same money. Just not less money. Okay. What if we even threw in... And then he reveals a red rhino wooden action figure. We know you're

a big fan. It's all you talk about is how cool that guy is. Well, he's the best. Everybody thinks he's cool. I'm not the only one. Are you going to start giving these away as prizes? Maybe we could if that's something that you wanted. I look over at Beef.

Pretty cool. Red Rhino's the best. I mean, right? And Beef, I didn't forget about you. What? What would you say to the same pay for more work, but also a delicious ham sandwich? Ham. You scream ham at me? Okay, why don't you guys think this over?

Think it over. We'll think it over. Okay, and why don't you send in Chalice, okay? All right, Chalice, your turn. I really stood up for us. I really put my foot down, and I think I made some headway. Right, Beef? Beef was in there with me.

Chip almost cried, and I guess I wasn't mind-controlled to be a parrot. So I hope you guys know hard feelings, but I'm back on the right side of history. Okay. He's back! the right side of history. Okay. He's back! And Jennifer hugs her ankle. Chalice goes in the room. She's now wearing a little red bandana around her neck and has a little black cowboy hat, just like Jack

Kelly from Newsies. Hi, Chalice. Welcome. Welcome. Take a seat. Hmm. I think I'll stand. I'm just gonna be blunt. I'm gonna cut right to the chase. We love you, Chalice. We want you on the team. What can we do to make sure that that happens? You know, that's not going to work on me. Did that work on Chip? Did that work on Beef? What'd they ask for? What'd Chip ask for? It doesn't matter because you are an individual here. And honestly, since the moment you walked through

those doors, I thought to myself, manager. What? Manager. You're management material, Chalice. I was testing you from the beginning. I think you've got what it takes to eventually open your own Chucky Busters. Maybe the one that's getting rebuilt as we speak. Maybe I manage this one, you manage that one. Hmm, but is that what I want? You can't ban people, right? What do you mean? Like, ban girlfriends from being around?

Well, if a case was made, we could certainly ban people. There's a fellow named Bruno who's banned at every single Chucky Busters. Oh. Yeah, I know him. I don't know. Maybe you don't decrease our pay. Okay. And you ban, I don't know, I'm just going to pick someone random.

Alberta, Toronto from coming here. I will have to clear that with HR. But wait, if Beef and Chip stayed strong, then I also will stay strong. But if they folded and they asked for something, then I will ask for something. You see what I'm saying, Mr. Cammie? I do, I do.

What you have requested will be considered. Why don't you think on it? Just think on it. That's all that I ask, okay? Okay. Okay, why don't you head out and? Just think on it. That's all that I ask, okay? Okay. Okay, why don't you head out and get Seb in here for me, please? Alright. Thank you,

Chalice. And Chalice does the entire dance to Santa Fe out the door. Seb! Yeah, what? Hey! You're up! Okay, why is no one making eye contact with me? What is going on? Nothing, no reason, bye! Chip is playing with his red rhino action figure.

I'm going, but I'm going to stay strong, everyone. I will stay strong. Hello, Seb. Welcome, take a seat. I actually would prefer to stand. Another power move. I respect it. Very interesting what you did out there. Everyone seems like they're coming out divided.

Well, I'm going to cut straight to the chase. Seb, you are a disease. Thank you. I've heard that one before. And you thought that you could infect the rest of the employees. Thank you. I've heard that one before. And you thought that you could infect the rest of the employees. Thank you. I've heard that one before. But let me tell you, most of the others have fallen in line. Your grip is slipping, Seb.

And what I'm doing now, I'm extending my hand to a drowning man. That's you. And you can take my hand and save your life or you can drown. I'm tired of being freaking pushed down, freaking hit on the head with a hammer and nailed into the board of your corporate bullshit. All right?

I'm sticking to my guns. So you're going to have to bring someone in here. You're going to have to get some sort of something to get me out of this place because I think we should take this to a vote. All right? I think we should vote on whether or not we unionize. Listen, you're right. There's one step I would just ask you, please, to allow me to take

in order to try to avoid that. Corporate wanted to send in a union avoidance consultant. They're going to come tonight, and I think you should just hear them out, and if you still feel the way you're feeling now, after, then we'll put it to a vote. Yeah, I think I'm going to feel that way whether or not you bring in your little frickin' person

with their little videos or whatever showing us hey i shouldn't unionize because that means i won't get this stuff all right so you can bring them in but it's not changing my mind all right thank you seb thank you truly i i do want to be one big happy family and i think if you hear the union avoidance consultant out we can be so thank you yeah losers say what what yeah that's what I thought alright well have a good day

you too we'll see you in a bit the shadows grow longer on the Chucky Buster's floor and the signs held by the rats and the rest of the gang continue to move around in a circle just outside the window of Chucky Buster's. And Mr. Tummy sticks his head out

and yells out to y'all, Okay, everyone, can we take a break from the strike for a second to talk with the union avoidance consultant? They should be here any minute. Dabbing with all the muckety mucks, I'm blowing my dough and going deluxe. Chalice is in her own little world.

See, I don't get how you guys don't see that you need structure. You get weird without it. Look what's happening. They all kind of nod knowing that that sort of makes sense. In that same moment, a straight up horrifying wraith moves through the front door of Jucky Busters. Oh, no. Wraith moves through the front door of Jucky Busters. Oh, no.

A wraith appears as a vaguely humanoid entity that seems to be draped in black cloth. It drifts through the air, leaving a dark haze in its wake. There is nothing beneath its hood except for total blackness. The only thing that you can make out is the vague outline of a name tag that reads Union Avoidance Consult. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Never mind, I guess. Charles immediately pulled. The wraith grabs the closest person to the door, which just happens to be Jaune. Oh, God, put me down. No. And it sucks the life straight out of Jaune. Oh, my God!

Jaune! Killing him instantly and turning him into a human corpse raisin or a dwarven corpse raisin. Oh, my God, Jaune, you should have made him more unlikable. That's so sad. Oh, you didn't think he was unlikable? He just wanted to sing. Exactly.

Exactly. He just wanted to sing. Exactly. Exactly. He just wanted to sing. Oh, man. Just wanted to sing. For better or for worse, immediately you see that Jaune is still here in spirit because he just became a specter. So the spirit of Jaune is now right beside the wraith. And you can tell that he is like in his control. I'm still here, kind of.

Okay, that's exactly what I thought was happening to me earlier. How do we stop that from happening to us, Mr. Tommy? Okay, I'm going to be honest. I thought like a straight up just person was coming. I did not sign off on this I we should I we should protect ourselves what oh god no you're scared Oh, I'm a little sleepy. What the fuck, Chip? Are you kidding?

We're going to die. No, I, oh, sorry. You're going to go to bed? Yeah, I did sleep all last night. This guy's soul got sucked out of his sack body and you're going to go to bed? Well, that's the place where you go when people's soul gets sucked out. You got to go, and I start backing away slowly and then I turn and I sprint up the stairs. The rest of you roll for initiative. I'm seven.

Two. Twelve. Red Rhino, you'll be last. So the wraith holds up a sign that Chaus is holding up earlier that said union and then it just kind of disintegrates to ash in his hand.

Oh, God. And Beef, you are up first. Well, that's great. I'm realizing the last time I used shatter was when it came out of my butt. Well, which orifice does it come out of this time? My butt. I turn around to blast his ass.

By blasting your ass? Yes. A piercingly high fart sound erupts right next to the wraith's head, which is also right by the specter of Jaune. Wow, 18 damage divided by two, so that's nine. Wow, Mama thinks I found a new signature move, baby. And that was half of what it can do. I love magic.

Beef's on board. Beef gets it. No. Seb, you are up. I'm going to use a flaming sphere. So I'm going to ram it into this person. Or into the specter or whatever. Wraith.

Specter. Yeah, yeah. Into this wraith. Ooh. They rolled a 22, so they definitely passed. Seven, so that would be three. Do we round up to four? Let's round it up to four.

Boom. Now it's the wraith's turn to do something. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. The wraith is going to head straight for Seb, who just most recently attacked. They are going to life drain your ass, which is exactly what they did to Jaune.

And so they grab you, and they kind of pretty much do like a Dementor's Kiss. Ooh, 21. 21 damage? 21 is the attack, so that hits. Oh my God.

Yeah, no, that hits. Oh, thank God. 10 necrotic damage. Up next is Jaune, the Spectre. Oh, hits oh thank god 10 necrotic damage up next is jean the specter oh nice well no bad he's on i forgot he's on their side he can also life train so he's gonna go after beef oh oh thank god and he's gonna try to give you a little dementor's kiss no and he rolled a 19. What the hell? That is 10 damage. What does that leave you with? Four.

Now give me a constitution saving throw. Me? Yeah. Rolled a two. Okay. Your hit point maximum is reduced by that amount until your next long rest. Oh my god. So even if you got healed,

you can't get healed past what you're at right now, which is what? Four. You're at four. Yeah. Yeah. So your maximum HP right now for the rest of this episode is four. I'm hurting.

Oh my God. Chalice, you are up. You've got the Wraith and Jean the Specter to deal with. 3d6 is Snowball. Okay, they failed. Oh, great. 5, 5, and 3.

13. That's significant. Chalice is yelling, Chip, please wake up. As the Wraith is pelted with some snowballs. You guys hear a thud out the window. And he, Chip, nope, not Chip. Not Chip. Uh-oh. The red rhino bursts through the front door and does a horn attack right into the back of the Wraith.

Ooh, 11. Okay. That is not going to cut it. Sorry. I was just asleep. And now Chip's asleep, I think, right? I don't know. I've never met Chip.

We don't have time for this. I'm going to use action surge to do an additional action. Okay. Bring it. Because I'm pretty embarrassed. Yeah, man. 18. Does an 18 hit? Okay, bring it. Because I'm pretty embarrassed. Yeah, man. 18. Does an 18 hit?

An 18 does hit. Sorry, I was just sleepy, as I said already. 13 damage to the wraith. Oh! The wraith shrieks, and it's the most horrible sound you've all ever heard in your entire lives. Worse than the sound coming from my ass? Not as painful, but it just feels worse in your heart.

And it's just like an anguish, and its fingers kind of look like they break in a bunch of different places as its head leans back and it screams. Oh, my God. It looks like it's on its last leg. Beef, you are up. All right. Well, looks like I'm going to do my signature move

that I've decided is my signature move. And Beef turns around and he blasts his ass. Woo! Chalice is clapping. Yeah, Beef! There's no way we're going to wait. Beef's butt is out while he's trying to figure out what to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to get onionized. I pass. But still take half the damage, right? Okay, I got 15. So he'll take eight damage, and the wraith lets out that blood-curdling scream once again and cries out in anguish, and then its cloak

starts to like it all that the darkness that is this wraith starts to kind of like swirl in a circle almost like a whirlpool of smoke until it becomes more and more concentrated at the center and starts to suck into its own hood and then it like basically

implodes and explodes. Well, Beef, you're doing magic now? Hey, Red Rhino. Thanks for being here, man. Yeah. I'm actually- Oh my God.

Are you like narcoleptic? What's going on? And right where the wraith disappeared in thin air, in that same spot where that dark whirlpool just existed, a bright light kind of flashes, like a lens flare. And there's another sort of explosion of light. And as you shield your eyes and then you can look again, there, hanging in the air air sort of levitating is a pristine scroll that has been unfurled with intricate flowery lettering on it.

Seb will go up and read it. Seb, you can tell that what this is is in fact a summons to the Chucky Buster corporate headquarters. Oh my God, we're getting summoned to the... Where? To the headquarters of Chucky Busters. What? Well, that can't be good. That place exists?

Yeah, 241 Tony Danza Lane. Oh, you guys are in trouble. No, we've rattled some cages, and now we get to talk to the actual people that make the decisions. I'm staring at Mr. Tummy as I say that. We just saved your life, bucko. And I'm so appreciative. And, guys, honestly, I did not see that coming.

No, no, no. We are not the same. We are not going to commiserate with you like we all just did this together. Yeah, you didn't even take a turn. Which is why I feel like I don't need to go to headquarters. You were summoned. Anyone who defeated it, it seemed like, was summoned to headquarters. Why don't you go to your room somewhere in here that we don't know where it is?

That's actually a good idea. And then you see him kind of waddle away, and you can see that he definitely must have soiled himself. Yeah, yeah. With fright. Oh, God. And then what you also see is Claude, Van, and Dam circled around Jaune. You guys, I'm myself again.

I mean, I'm a specter, but like, no one's controlling me and I'm still like kind of here. Hooray for John! Yeah. Are you important? To who? Ooh. Yeah. The plot?

That's a no. Yeah, as soon as we asked, we knew. I mean, you can get the fuck out. Gladly! I've got a new lease on life! Let's go, everyone! I can move through walls. And he goes through the front door,

and then Claude, Van, and Dan run straight into the door and fall backwards. And there's a bowling pin. That's funny. Wow. Some people, huh? Some people. So is my name on this thing, or am I coming with you?

No, it says Chip. Yeah, no, it says Chip here. Pretty cool guy, right? That guy deserves his own action figure. You know what I mean? He's like 50-50. 50-50 what? Good, bad.

You two aren't as close as you used to be, are you? Okay, why does everyone keep saying that? You guys gather around. Chalice is about to do her closing number. Why we start to fight each other? It's just what the big shots want to see. That we're street trash. Then she points to Jennifer.

Street rats with no brains. No respect for nothing, including ourselves. So here's how it is. If we don't act together, then we are nothing. If we don't stick together, we are nothing. And if we can't trust each other, then we are nothing. So what's it gonna be? Nothing! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.

Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Ben and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 60 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is M dnd edition where chip beef and jennifer find out their futures by harnessing the power of this game from elizabeth's childhood you'll never guess who

beef marries so sign up for our patreon at patreon.com slash dick on dnd and get in on the fun and finally if you want to keep up with the gang you can follow the show on instagram and twitter at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D&D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode,

get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by our very own Waleed Mansour. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. Woo! Did I say Ditcom? That was a HitGum Podcast.