SitcomD&D - S3 E20: Dave N. Cheese (w/ Jeremy Cobb)

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

With tensions running high, the gang gets a tour of the corporate headquarters of Chuck E. Buster's. They end up with a great offer from CEO, Dave N. Cheese (Jeremy Cobb), that just might be too good to be true.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Guest Star: Jeremy Cobb Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean Coyle Edited by: Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast and this is also a question that we've never asked a guest before but what is better shrek or shrek 2 oh yes so it's been a long time since i've seen shrek 2 um i think shrek 1 is ultimately the better movie even though shrek 2 let's go yeah good in my opinion the problem with shrek 1 is ultimately the better movie, even though Shrek 2 is really good. In my opinion, the problem with Shrek 2 is that they pumped up the pop culture references to such a degree. I feel like those references are so specific that it kind of dates the movie and ended up becoming a bad sign for the rest of the franchise. Because I feel like the rest of the franchise tried to follow through with that, and it just didn't work as well. But Trek 2, fantastic.

How much did you guys pay Jeremy to say this? A lot of money. This is a very divisive subject for the group. You sent him to hurt me on purpose. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up somewhere a little different. We're going to be picking up at Synergy Valley, which is located in the capital of Ism. It's a land of industry it still falls under frazier in that

kingdom but it is a state of business and industry that is built up from trade and mercantilism this is a place that money rules all and we're actually not going to pick up with the gang. We're going to pick up inside Chucky Buster's corporate right now, as word has just come to the leaders of Chucky Buster, the current CEO and his son, that the gang is about to arrive. Jeremy, would you mind describing what your character looks like? Yes, absolutely. I think the first thing that anyone would notice about Dave and Cheese is the apparatus upon which he sits. Imagine, if you will, a corporate CEO's desk. The most elaborate CEO's desk and most imposing as well. I guess classification wise would be like size large. This is a gigantic desk. Also, it has those claw feet that you often see on desks. Yes. But those feet are not just for show because this desk walks. It is currently

pacing back and forth around the room. And sitting atop this desk is a glass dome. Inside of the dome is a huge high-backed office chair, shrouded in darkness. And inside of this chair is a man who may once have been great in stature, but over the years has withered into a husk of what he used to be. His skin, whatever color it used to be, is now a sickly gray with a greenish tinge and black edges.

He is so old that his doctors told him it's not good to be exposed to the air anymore. His hair is not his own. Whatever, like, you look at it, that is clearly taken from someone. It looks like a jerry curl type do that he has. He is wearing a business suit that seems to have, over the years, melded into the chair in which he sits. He has tubes coming out of every orifice,

and I mean every orifice. If your character ever finds themselves thinking, is it really every orifice, and I mean every orifice, if your character ever finds themselves thinking, is it really every orifice? When you look up, you will see that he is making direct eye contact with you, and he has a knowing glint in his eye. And speaking of his eyes, his eyes are set

it looks like the eyes are about six feet back in his head, but they are gleaming and glaring out of these sunken pits. He is a shell of his former self physically, but his eyes look so alive. They look more alive than anything else. And I guess to sort of round off the description,

all of those tubes that are coming out of his body, anyone who gets a close enough look at the dome will see that it is a mass of writhing black tentacles. I have never had a crush on a D&D character before. Here's a first time for everyone. I think so. Is the hairpiece on top of the glass or on top of the head? Excellent question.

Such a good question. Oh, that is a great question. I think it's on top of the glass. Oh my God. Yes, that is Dave and Cheese, the current CEO and owner of the Chuck E. Buster's Corporation. And he is standing across or maybe sitting across. Existing across.

He's existing across. Yes. Of his son, Chuck E. Buster Cheese. And Chuck E. Buster could be described as, I mean, I don't know how I'm going to follow that first description, so he's just a little pizza rat guy. He's a rat humanoid. He is half human, half rat, standing at about three feet tall.

He dresses corporate, but a little more modern. He wears the same outfit every day, black pants and just a common black shirt. But he does have a hairdo that you can very clearly tell is not his. And it's very much trying to match his father. Also a jerry curl. Is this a rat wearing jerry curls? Yes, yes. He's very put together businessman who is, you know, he's just desperate to prove to his father that he's got what it takes

to take the reins of the family business. So these are the two individuals having a private conversation as the gang approaches. So we're going to pick up there. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and the Peep

At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end

So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant,

and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Dave's eyes are fixing Chuck with a hateful glare. And as he stares at him, no one's ever sure where it's coming from. But whenever Dave speaks, they can hear the Emperor's theme from Star Wars. The, ooh, just like, just as he, as he glares out at Chuck. And with, with a mouth that does not appear to move at all, he says, You underestimated them, Chuck.

The Bottoms Up Gang, they shouldn't have survived. You botched the Wraith attack. You're in yet. Well, Dad, I... Yes, you're right. You're right. And I, what I need to do is just own it, right? In this family, we own our mistakes and...

Boy, you aren't fit to own a shoe. Much less a situation like this. You are such a disappointment, you little rat. Good one, Dad. Own a shoe. Well, they're coming here. And so that gives us a chance to really set things straight and figure this out, right? We are a strong family, and we will come out of this on top. I'm sure of it. I'm sure of it, Dad. We're half of a strong family, boy. Ever since your mother, Nigella of House Ratburn,

fled with the rest of your 348 brothers and sisters. They forgot one. I wish she hadn't. It's just been you and me, boy. And I've tried to bring you up in my image. I've tried to raise you to follow in your... And you've done such a good job, Dad. Don't remind me of my greatest failure, boy.

You have one last chance. We cannot lose this Chuck E. Buster location. We don't own it yet outright. So there's always a chance that these fools could buy it back and make a mockery of us. I refuse to be made

a mockery of, boy. Me too. I also refuse that because that would make us look weak and that is not acceptable. Not acceptable at all. Yes. A giant hulking figure

made of files and papers of HR complaints comes into the room and then just delivers us like a piece of paper, a memo. And the way that that thing communicates is only through papers

that it'll hand you with the letterhead of Chucky Busters with things written out. Yes. Sounds like one of those old inkjet printers where it's like, One of our fax golems has come and given us news of an approaching group. It must be the Bottoms Up Gang.

And with that, we will check in with the Bottoms Up Gang, who has just arrived to overlook Synergy Valley. And this is a pretty cool moment and experience for you because none of you have been here before and you've only heard tail. And it's kind of got a little bit of a, well, look at us. We made it kind of feel to it. And again, you're not in the valley yet. You're looking down and there's a big slope that takes you from the top of this plateau where you're at now into the valley.

But someone approaches you or something. but someone approaches you or something. For Chuckie Busters, a lot of the corporate employees that work there are munches. If you look up the Chuckie Cheese, one of the several mascots, Mr. Munch, they are this humanoid, purple, fuzzy, with a yellow belly monster. Oh, no, I'm looking up. Don't look it up. Oh, no. I care about all of you. Don't do this.

They're kind of sweet looking. They're kind of sinister looking, kind of sweet. It's like Barney and Grimace had a baby. Yeah. Which is not great. That's too accurate. Yeah. Welcome, beloved employees of Techie Busters.

Oh. A thousand greetings to you, and thank you for coming. And then he pulls a little streamer popper thing and it goes off a little bit. Ow! Ow! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It hit all of our eyes.

Sorry about that. That's my fault. Oh, God. What do you want? What do I want? Yeah, great question, Chip. You approached us. We would have met you at your office.

We're heading that way. I want to get you there. Oh, okay. I want to get you there on time. Here's how it works. You see this big metal ball? Yeah. You look over and you see a man-made sphere that is a bunch of bent metal to create a sphere. So there's gaps in it, like an open sphere. And there's a cage door on it, and the munch opens it up, and gestures for you to get in it and strap yourselves in.

Oh, is this like your home? What is this? My home? No! This is how you get to Chucky Buster Corporate. Okay, well, just finish the thought. Gosh darn it. I don't know, guys.

I don't know if I'm privy to any of this. Please don't use this as a privy. Beep got a word of the day calendar, and the word of the day today was privy. So you're going to be hearing it a lot. Privy. I love your hat. It's privy to me.

Okay, get it, get it, get it. And he like shuffles you in. You're going to be late. You're going to be late. Okay. Strap in. Strap up. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

All of us put our legs back in. We were all sticking them out. And enjoy your time at Chucky Buster's. I hope you have a bustin' day. Closes the door. And almost when you just start a Rube Goldberg machine, there's just a light kick to the sphere that you're all strapped inside. And the way that it works is you're all strapped inside. And

the way that it works is your limbs are strapped to parts of the beams creating the outer shell of the sphere, but obviously you're on the inside of them. So when it rolls, you don't feel any impact that would be jostling you around because every part of you is strapped to roll with the sphere itself. And what you start to do is like a Hot Wheels car on a track, and you are rolling and gaining speed going into the valley. And now you're rolling, rolling, rolling. And what is happening is that you are about to roll like a ball that is skiing. Maybe you could even call it a ski ball.

It hits a ramp, rockets you into the air, out of the valley, and right towards five different holes, like large holes to fit this sphere that you could fall into. One is a greater kind of catch-all area. One's like a ring that's a little bit smaller than that. And then there's like a bullseye in the middle. And the sphere that you're in goes right for the bullseye, donks off of it. That isn't that great

of an experience. But then rolls into the next area, and you roll into a hole that is now like a tunnel that gently takes you to a stop inside the heart of Chucky Busters. I know you said we don't feel the impact, but this sounds horrible.

Yeah, this sounds very impactful. When you donk the side, it hurts. So I'm actually going to have everyone take just D4 damage. Come on, man. We didn't do anything. We're just getting started. Three damage for me. Four.

Two. One. Excellent. Excellent. So as this sphere, this metal sphere, comes to a rolling stop, you see the CEO, Dave and Cheese, and his son, Chucky Buster, waiting there to greet you. Oh.

Oh. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh. Greetings. Don't mind the vomit. Some of the munchies will clean it up for you.

I'm not even sure which one of us vomited. Chalice bows. Yes, that is very appropriate for you are in the presence of Mr. Dave N. Cheese. I almost said Buster. As the munchies

help you get unstrapped, you can get your bearings back and hopefully the room stops spinning for you in a second. We just want to welcome you. Welcome to the headquarters of the company that you work for, Chuck E. Buster's. Yay!

And all the munchers start kind of clapping around you as well. My tentacles also like in almost independently of me sort of rise up and start slapping against the glass. Oh God. I check to see how many orifices the tentacles go into. I meet your eyes with a knowing look. Okay.

Don't wonder that. Don't wonder that. Mr. Cheese, sir? You own such a whimsical company. I don't know why I was expecting you to be different. What? You do not find me whimsical? Yeah, he's very whimsical. He's not terrifying or scary or anything at all, right, Chalice?

Yeah, just kidding. Well, okay, it's pretty fair if you guys think of us as scary right now. I mean, we sent a representative from corporate who tried to kill you. I mean, I would be terrified if that happened. Yes, Chuck would like to apologize for that. You see, the individual who attacked you in wraith form was not a wraith when we sent them, so it must have died on the way. You see, wraiths represent the souls of beings that committed evil deeds in life,

and so whatever evil that being committed on the way cannot be connected directly back to us and should not. Sure. Seems legal. Isn't that right, Chuck? That is right. Well, that's why we wanted to invite you guys here because, I mean, we wanted to set the record straight

and let you know that you're valued employees. And honestly, we've been meaning to invite you know that you're valued employees and honestly we've been meaning to invite you anyways because y'all are pretty impressive what okay yeah we think so too it's nice to brother people maybe yes i guess me but everybody all four i'm privy to that privy me privy that yeah we've heard really great things about you, and we honestly think that you're underutilized. And I don't want to get too ahead of us. There's a lot to discuss today, but the bottom line is

we would be honored if you would potentially consider having some conversations about working at corporate. Wait, what? This, of course, would include a rather hefty raise. Yes. And bonus. Yes. Yes.

Yes. But, of course, it's the only thing that is worthy for individuals as capable as yourselves. Oh, my God. What a good day. This is kind of nice. How can you say such nice things? That's very kind. Can we live here?

Where are the houses? Where are the babes? We have corporate homes that you will be able to live in. Are any of you familiar with the term company town? Yeah, now I am. Company town. Wow, another words of the day. Yes, it's housing that we own, that we let our employees live in, that we control.

Sounds healthy. And we probably have to, like, still have roommates, right? With this promotion, we would be happy to offer you individual rooms. Oh, wow. Yes, the bathrooms would still be shared. We're not made of money here. Okay. We like that.

I can go outside. I can go anywhere, really, honestly. We can talk about these things hypothetically until the cows come home. But why don't we show you? Who wants to take a tour of Chucky Buster's corporate? Me, guys. Me do. Me do. Awesome.

Well, follow us. Here we go. Yes. And don't mind the screams. It's actually coming from our on-site theme park just like a chorus of shrieks off in the distance well i was really nervous coming here today because like they tried to kill us and like obviously it wasn't them that wasn't them trying to kill us right yeah i remember it was an accident that's what i'm saying though is like i great right now. I'm really happy we came.

Yeah, and then we got here, and then they kind of like put us in like a torture machine for a second, and then I was nervous again. But the separate room things, I'm kind of sold. And let's be honest, like, somebody coming to kill us, most days, someone's coming to kill us. So many people. Yeah. It's really not a big

deal. We should probably stop discussing this, because the cows are going to come home. And that's not going to be good. Oh, you think there's a company cow? On cue, like a herd of cows could be seen approaching, being herded by several shepherd munches. Wow. That's it. I love this place.

They're definitely raising those cows in a way that's nice and ethical and not eating those cows. I can just tell. Yeah, I can just tell. Well, we have to stop talking about it because the cows have officially come home and we have to go see this place now. way that's nice and ethical and not eating those cows. I can just tell. Yeah, I can just tell. Well, we have to stop talking about it because the cows have officially come home and we have to go see this place now. Let's do it. Can't wait. As you turn away, people come up and just carve off hunks of the cow.

Just like immediately as soon as you leave. So what do you think, Dad? What should we show them first? And as he asked that, y'all kind of come out of the area where the spheres roll to a stop and come above ground to see that you are on a plateau on the other side of the valley. So now you're looking over the valley again, but from the other side. And you see this enormous layout of different connected rooms that are all made of this almost has like a magical sparkling quality to it, but it's glass. It's all translucent. But when you're in this big atrium of a center

area that you come into, you see a bunch of different furniture, like the furniture and the art inside are all like very saturated primary colors. And for basic tables or chairs or other things that would exist in an office, they're all like not the basic design that you would think. Like a chair has six legs sometimes and looks more fun to sit in. And it's like a bright red. But then everything else, like the walls and the ceilings are all glass. So it has this very future forward, affluent corporate feel to it. Well, I think the first thing that concerns any person whenever they started a new company is recreation. How about we head over to the ping pong room? Oh my gosh. I love corporations. They are people.

I love corporations. They are people. We truly are. Now, as you can see here, we have our enlarged reduce machine, our volunteer, that's right, volunteer munches. And you can see these little munches entering like this large contraption. And as they walk in, they emerge much smaller,

like to handheld size. And you can see like all the ones standing in line are just like quivering and like tears in their eyes. And as they're shrunken down, they're prodded by other little tiny munches with cattle prods towards a large table where you can see employees pick them up and they sort of roll themselves in little balls. And the employees begin to play ping pong with the little ping pong munches. Oh, they must be so excited to be a ball. and the employees begin to play ping pong with the little ping pong munches. Oh. They must be so excited to be a ball. They're crying about it and shaking. Shaking with excitement, yes.

Oh, my God. What an honor. Have you ever wondered what if the ball truly had a mind of its own? I've always wondered that. Yes. Wow. Show us more. Show us more. Show us more.

Of course. Why don't we take a look at the cloud where all the information is stored? Cool. That sounds privy. Let's go. Very privy. There's like a giant, in one of the cubicles, there's a gigantic, it's just a cloud, like a large, unknowable cloud. And as you approach, you begin to hear, like, whispers of every deepest, darkest secret you've ever held dear emanating from the cloud and says,

this is where we store all of our information to the company. Wow. Hold on, he has our secrets already? Your father never loved you. I think that's me, actually. You've always been afraid never loved you. I think that's me, actually. You've always been afraid of being inadequate. I think it's just my secrets. Your greatest dream is to dance.

Whose secret was that? Sometimes you pick your nose when no one's looking. Definite back to me. And when no one's in the room, you eat it. Yeah, that's back to Seth. Yes, this is where we store all the information from the company for our employees and so forth. I forgot we filled out those surveys when we signed up for Chucky Busting. Yeah, they asked for a bunch of secrets.

Yes. It's sort of an ambient effect, really. Once you fill out the initial survey, we just sort of have it, and it receives updates on everything you're thinking and feeling. Oh, good. It's safe in there, right? It's not going to go anywhere. Oh, there's absolutely no leaks.

Some munches run up and try and plug like a giant cork into part of it as part of the cloud just seeping into the ether. Cool. I feel placated.

I'd give anything for my father to take me seriously and trust that I'll do a good job taking this company to the next level in the future.

That didn't even come from the cloud. You're just chatting, man. That was you. Yikes. A little desperate. You also said it into a bullhorn. Why don't we just move this right along?

What do you guys say? There's a lot to see. Yes, what else? What else, what else? Perks, perks, perks. There's the lazy river. Anyone want to see that? Yes.

I rip off my clothes and I'm in board shorts. Wow, check out those abs Yeah, thank you Dad calls my abs absent sometimes He says when he was my age that Hey man, you're kind of bumming this tour out a little bit Son, stop ruining things like always Well, speaking of just going with the flow We should check out the lazy river

Dave, does he have to come along? Well, speaking of just going with the flow, we should check out the Lazy River. Dave, does he have to come along? As much as I wish. Son, just be quiet for a few minutes, okay? Yeah, yeah, no, you guys will just keep doing your thing. I got a lot of work to do anyways in the background. I'll just be, you know, hovering, making really big choices and making sure... Your work is to hover behind us? I'll tell you what.

I'm going to tape this bo staff to my hand and you are just not to come within that distance of us. How's that sound? Beef's wearing goggles now. So where the hell is this lazy river at? Oh, yes. Here, you can see. I scuttle you over to, with my moving desk,

over to like a really long rectangular glass cube as we approach you can hear babbling but not like the babbling of water but the babbling of voices and as we approach you can see that this river is just a pile of people

this is where the lazy employees go but don't worry we pour water through to keep them moving so no one gets stuck in one spot for too long. Yeah, so we don't need to go there because we're not lazy. Take off the goggles, Beef. Take the goggles. Beef, don't yell cannonball and jump in, Beef.

He's shaking because he really wants to yell cannonball. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, Beef. Listen to your heart. Oh, oh, ah, ah. All right, cannonball. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, Beef. Listen to your heart. Oh, uh, uh. Alright, get it. I think we need to continue on the tour, and there's a lot to see, and we just don't want you guys having too much fun

before you see everything, so. And then he continues you on the tour where you'll see another ping pong room. You can throw a ball with an 11-year-old so you feel like you have a family. The ball is also a Mr. Munch. There's a puppy room.

There's a third ping pong room. And finally, there's another ping pong room. And then there's the cafeteria, food court, and... You can see a lot of people on trial in the food court. And that leads back to the atrium, where you now see what comes off of it is another separate area that seems to be made of oak. All the other rooms and areas are glass and translucent,

but there's a room of all oak. And on the door, there is a placard that is Dave's office, CEO of Chucky Busters. I hope you guys had an awesome time on the tour. There's so much that we didn't even have a chance to see. So you learned a little bit about us. We really want to learn about you and see maybe there is an opportunity for a future for all of y'all here at Corporate. Can the gang be fully decked out in Chucky Buster merch? Like full merch at the end of this tour. We took them through eight gift shops along the way. Callus is using the shrunk down Mr. Munch as a stress ball.

Beef has like 20 lanyards. Well, I suppose it is time for the one-on-ones just so that we can get to know each other a little bit better. Who would like to submit themselves? I mean, join me in my office first. Ah, and Chalice walks in, like, with her chest puffed out, very proudly going first. See you later, guys.

Good luck. A real go-getter. As we enter, I will motion with some of my tentacles towards some office chair golems that, like, step forward for you to sit in, Chalice. And I say, please have a seat, Miss Glass. Would you like to have a little drink? Can I offer you something? Yeah, I'll have whatever you're having. Of course.

Son. And one of the tentacles snaps. Bring the liqueur. Oh, the good stuff? Yes. The Kool-Aid liqueur. Yes, yes. Miss Glass, you are really in for a treat.

This is a very rare liqueur that was aged in a glacier. And that is why it's been given the name Kool-Aid. So there's very expensive stuff. I'm used to expensive stuff. I don't know if you know, I grew up as a princess, former princess Chalice Glass, used to the finer things. And Chalice leans against one of the arms of the chairs and then throws her legs over the other arms of the chairs. And she's sitting way too casually for any sort of business meeting. Assertive. I like it.

Now, go ahead, take a quick si sip. I can't drink myself. The doctors told me after I passed about 130 years of age, it wasn't healthy anymore. Oh, sure. Yes, my digestive system just can't handle liquids. Chalice would in maybe other circumstances roll to see if something's going on with this

drink. You can roll, yeah, roll an insight check. You know, I don't think Chalice would though. I have to be honest. I think that she wants to impress him and know that she likes the finer things in life, so she just takes a sip. Okay. Excellent. Question number one. Why were you fired from your

last job? Huh. Was I ever fired? I don't think I've ever been fired before. Seb tried to fire me like twice a week when I first started at Bottoms Up, but then I'd laugh and I'd laugh and I'd laugh. It was so funny. No, no one would ever fire me. I'm too cute. Oh, excellent. Excellent. Write that down, boy. Yes, father. Now, are you a team player?

Yes, Father. Now, are you a team player? Um, yeah. I like to criticize everyone until they are at their best. So, yes. An underling after my own heart. Yeah, you and I have a lot in common, Mr. Cheese. Yes, I look forward to working very closely with you, as well as hopefully the rest of your companions.

Now, you can go. That's it. Oh, wow! And I, you, I cannot wait to be rich again. Goodbye! Toodle-oo! Goodbye. Y'all, it's really scary. You have to fight with swords. It's like a whole bloodbath in there.

No way. No way. Really? No. You guys are gonna love it. You're gonna do really well. Don't stress. Don't sweat it. Really? No. You guys are going to love it. You're going to do really well. Don't stress. Don't sweat it. You got it. Whoever dares may enter. Hey, hi. Coming in. Hi. Mr. Beef, thank you so much. So one of these chairs is going to approach you, but there's nothing to fear here.

Yeah, no, it's totally cool. They're more afraid of you than you are of them. I get you. And he w are of them. I get you. And he winks at them. I get you. I wink back, but my eye sticks closed. God. And Beef can't stop looking at it like a mole on someone's face.

I see you. I mean, yeah, I see. I am happy to be here. Yes, the eyes have it, I suppose. Mr. Beef, you look absolutely parched. Why don't you have a little sippy sip? Thank you, thank you. Boy.

Oh, yes, yes. We're going to be asking you questions, trying to figure out where would you fit in best here in the corporate ladder. And so, while you're talking about you you can sip on this kool-aid again very expensive stuff oh thank you a beef stands to grab the glass and then he kind of looks at dave cheese's desk and he starts kind of touching the stuff on his desk these are nice things is this a picture of your family that's sweet don't touch that and a tentacle like slitters out and grabs it. And you can see as it like wrestles away, you can see it's a picture of a man who doesn't even like,

you don't even recognize beyond the fact that he also has a jerry curl wig on, but like a much younger. It's a picture of the man. Yes, a much younger, a handsome man, like dressed in a tuxedo, smiling, holding in his hands a very beautiful, sexy rat wearing a wedding dress

and smiling proudly. I didn't see anything, I swear to God. I didn't see anything that you just said. Drink up, drink up. It tastes nice. A toast. A toast to your future. And, Beef, where do you see

yourself in five years? Oh, well, okay, well, and then Beef starts putting his finger in his belly button while he's thinking. Five years. How many years is five years? Five. All right. I guess big house, huge ass, and no problems. Wow. That's exactly what we had on the list.

No way. You hit all the check marks. No. No way. I have no further questions. Honestly, that one blew me away. Cheers, beef, to your future. I down it.

And I want to burp, but I know that it's rude somehow. So I hold it in, and it accidentally comes out as a toot. Compliments to the chef. Better out than in, I always say. Yeah, well, you guys are really nice. You know what? I love this place, and Beef gives some finger guns

as he goes out the door. As you leave, you can hear what sounds like just the howling wind flowing around the dome as I say, yes, better out than in. And you understand that this is what Dave's farts sound like

these days. Without the door closing, Chip continues the finger guns right back into the room. Hey, what's going on bossies? This is what we like. Continuity. This is a family company and my adopted children, Audi and Innie, are also a big part of this organization, just like I am. And after my father passes, I will be in charge.

And then after I pass, Innie and Audi will be in charge. The theme here is family. But in order to know where you fit on that family tree, we need to get to know you better. So here, sit back, have a glass of the Kool-Aid. This is expensive stuff, and we're gonna get to know you. Yes, and I'm told it's delicious.

Oh, that sounds pretty... What's that chair? What's that chair? Chip takes out his axe. Oh, don't worry. Boy, give him a treat to offer the chair. Oh, a treat. He takes out a little button Oh, don't worry. Boy, give him a treat to offer the chair. Ooh, a treat. He takes out a little button that would be like on an upholstered chair

and flicks it with his thumb at the chair and the bottom of the seat cushion meets like the actual woodwork of it, opens up like a mouth

and swallows it. Oh, yay. Cool. Yes, climb aboard now while it's distracted. Okay, I do. I sit upon it. Did my boy here offer you a drink?

Uh, no. Kind of an idiot. But I will take a drink. I did! See, this is why he said his adopted children, they're adopted because I wouldn't allow him to reproduce. This is the kind of behavior, and that's why. Mm-hmm.

That makes sense. I see that. Yes. Yeah, I'll take some of that drink, guy. Good, good. Here you go. I wanted to ask you, as we all sit here and sip, what would you say is your biggest

weakness? Wait, who told you I had a weakness? Who told you that? Was it beef? We're not allowed to reveal the... Was it beef? Look, I... Well, I guess I'm quick to anger. Oh, excellent. And I fall in love too quickly. I don't know how that applies to work, but...

No, I've been there, buddy. I've been there. And I, like, gaze at the photo of me and the rat, just sadly. I stand up and I try and look at the photo. I don't even notice because, like, as I'm doing this, a single tear is trying to work its way

out of my tear duct. But instead, all that comes out is dust. Like a... Oh, man. Well, that's pretty much all I needed to know. Oh, cool. You made me very sad and I like that. So, you know, get out. You're hired.

Oh, thank you. I do sad finger guns out to try and reciprocate him emotionally. Another, as you leave. I think that's a good sign. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger and I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible,

and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash sitcom D&D. Is that everybody? I feel like there's one more. Seb burst through the doors. I'm in a full Gordon Gekko type outfit. My hair is slicked back. I have two Bluetooth headsets. And I'm like, you tell that SOB. If he's not talking ROI, my God, I will shove him into an incinerator. While Sav was doing that as he entered, Chucky kind of guided him into a chair and put a drink in his hand.

Oh, hold on, hold on. I'm in another meeting. Hey, what's going on? Is that to us? Hey, no, I'm not actually on another line. Sorry, sorry, sorry about that. No, no, no, I can talk right now, Mom. I'll tell you what, if you're not talking R-O-Y-U-S-O-B, you can

see your way out. Hey, I'm with you. Okay, I like this guy already, Dad. Yep. He's talking family, but business comes before family. But family is business, it's a family business, but business comes first. He gets it is business. It's a family business, but business comes first. He gets it. Of course, I'm impressed.

Boy, while he's distracted, tip the glass into his open maw. Yes, father. Tickle, tickle. Tip. Oh, wow, you're going to hear my tickle. Let's see, if that was an attack on you, would a 17 get some liqueur into your throat?

Oh, absolutely. Okay, so a little bit of that cool, crisp liqueur goes down your throat, and it tastes pretty good. Oh. Delicious, isn't it? Yeah, what is that? It's the company Kool-Aid, carved from the Kool-Aid glacier.

The finest liqueur, aged almost as long as me. And that's saying something. This guy's older than Sin. I invented the concept. Oh, of Sin, wow. Do you have any questions for me? I'm off the phone. Yes, do you prefer hard work or smart work?

That's actually a really good question. I think I would like to work smarter, not harder, but I work a lot, so smarter. You're on that Sigma male grind set. Yeah, no, I've been called a beta before, but yeah, Sigma sounds cool. What does that mean? No one knows. It's entirely made up. I like you. Here's my resume and here's my cover letter. I'm proficient in Word and Excel. Just saying both of those words, I'm proficient in that. Excellent. That's all I needed to hear.

Wow. He can write 36 words per minute. That's right. Pretty impressive. Wow. That's all I needed to hear. Wow, he can write 36 words per minute. That's right. Pretty impressive. Wow, that's like two sentences. Very good. All right, any other cues for me to A? I think my father got your vibe. We're going to talk this over a bit, and I'm going to hover. Then hopefully we'll have some official offers for you here at Chucky Busters Corporate. Okay, yeah.

I'm always bad at the end of these. Do I, like, kiss a hand? What do I do? Like, do I just stay here a little too long? Have I already done that? Boy, you're supposed to have already ushered him out the door. Come on. Don't let him feel awkward like this.

Oh, sorry, sorry. I kiss Seb's hand. Oh. I'm sorry. Let's go. And he ushers him out the door and the door closes and Dave just smiles and nods at Chucky and Chucky, big eyed, smiles and nods back. And we're actually going to cut to the courtyard. And as you're ushered by some munches into the courtyard, what becomes very clear is

that all these glass boxes, I guess you could see that serve as the different rooms of the organization, create one big square border around an open courtyard in the center on this plateau over the valley. And in this courtyard is an enormous statue made of what looks to be solid gold of Dave N. Buster in his prime. And the abs are not absent. There are 18 abs on him. Holy shit. And he is lifting a globe high above his head, easily with one hand, almost like a basketball.

And that statue dominates and pierces the sky. And you have to really crane your neck to even look up at it. But there's a platform that serves as the base of the statue that Dave and Chucky are standing at waiting for you with open arms. Tentacles, in my case. Welcome, everyone, to the courtyard of Chucky Busters. We have some pretty exciting, formal, written-up offers for you to work here at corporate if you're interested. So, I'd like everyone to form a single file line, and we will present you with an offer that we will hope is impossible to refuse. Oh, dang, there's like a line of people. I thought we were the only four, but my God, look at all these munchies.

Yeah. Munchies, get the f*** out of the way. Get out of the way. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my God. You four, we have some offers for you, and we think we found some pretty cool places for you to end up here in the family tree of Chucky Busters.

Yes, beef. I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Buffet. Buffu. Buffa. Anything you want. Before. Yeah. Before we thought that you might

be best suited toward accounting. With your keen mind and even keener wits, especially your sense of diligence and hard work and focus. We thought accounting would be perfect for you. Totally, totally, totally.

When we asked you where you thought you'd be in five years and you really got focused on the number five, we're like, okay, this person cares about numbers. At the end of the day, that's what we're looking for with someone in accounting. Accounting sounds fun. I've never heard of it before. Can't wait to get my hands on her. Yeah, sounds good.

Accounting is not just about calculation. It's about philosophy. It's about truly understanding what the numbers mean in a metaphysical sense i'll get in there boss i'll get in there and i'll figure out the answers why are you numbers great start chip my boy yes for you we were thinking director of process improvement management synergy oh it's long that's a long title yeah what am i doing well we'll get into that later um lots of responsibilities though very important and integral to the organization overall excellent i don't have to count or anything do i no that's for accountants okay but you do need to make sure that you can manage the synergy of the process improvements as you direct them. Synergy will be managed and directed, my good sir.

Yes. On to the next chalice step forth. Who, me? Yes, you. Chalice, we were thinking that you would be best suited toward custodial work. Not as long of a title. The official title is, of course, Sanitary Manager. I hear the word manager.

We could even up it to Director of Sanitary Management. Ooh, I'll take it. All right. Boy, give Chalice their new implement. Some of the munchies come forward and hand Chuck a mop. Oh. Ah, this mop was last held by the VP of Sanitary Management not too long ago. Whoa.

Hold on. Beef, I think I went on a date with that mop. Oh, yeah. This is awkward. Whoa. Hold on. Beef, I think I went on a date with that mom. Oh, yeah. This is awkward. Beginning of the season. I thought you would never see her again. Sebastian, Mr. Hugh Grant. Oh, my God.

We thought that you would be best suited for marketing. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay, I got a campaign. campaign all right we're zooming in we go right onto a dead rabbit and it's like pain and like what's up we haven't started the job yet you could probably wait okay but then a flower grows from the well chip is right you haven't officially started yet because you haven't signed your new contracts.

And he hands each of you a contract. You guys can tell also that these contracts are magically binding. Just scribbling your name down holds some serious weight in this realm. I think the thing I would like to divert your attention to first is really the uptick in your salary. We are looking at an almost exponential increase in payment. In fact, you will be paid 100 gold pieces a week each. I smell a money dance. And we all do our money dance. We do the money dance.

And it's big and it's louder than it's ever been before. See, look at them go. I knew they would be a good choice for these positions. Shake them hips, yeah. I want everyone to roll for perception real quick. Ooh, nat 20. Whoa. Chalice, you see in the fine print at the bottom of this contract,

I hereby agree to never try to buy bottoms up back And I agree to work at Chucky Busters for the rest of my life However long that may be Sorry, not having a bad attitude because I got the worst job Do you want to just look at the bottom of the page really quick? I feel like that's sort of the opposite of what we want to do. Oh, you're saying where we sign and I pull up a pen and I lift it high in the air. As Chalice goes to stop Chip, one of Dave's eyes twinkles again and the ominous Star Wars singing grows louder.

Oh. louder. Oh, and you find that as you're like reaching out to stop him, your hand just sort of stops in midair and then forms into a pen holding pose. Oh, my God. So at this point, I'm going to have everyone roll a wisdom saving throw. Oh, no. What did we drink? We drank that.

Well, you drank the company Kool-Aid. I forgot we drank that. Well, you drank the company Kool-Aid, and in the company Kool-Aid is basically a mind control potion that has the effect of the spell Dominate Person. Oh. If you do fail this wisdom check, you are under the control of Dave and Cheese's mind, completely and totally,

for the duration of the next minute. I botched. Chip rolled a 16. Seb rolled a 21. Okay. And Beef? Three. Okay.

So Chip and Seb, the two of you feel like icy fingers on your mind, almost forcing you to lose your consciousness. But something catches it at the last second and drives it back out of your skull. And you come back into your body knowing something was tickling your brain and has now been banished from it. And when you look across at Beef and Chalice, give me a perception check. Fifteen. Six. Seb, you have the inkling that maybe Beef and Chalice aren't home anymore. And the icy feeling that was controlling your mind or attempted to,

maybe it was successful with theirs. The contracts will be signed. You will accept your positions. And my offspring's latest screw-up will not taint this company any further or ever again. Ha ha! Huzzah! Yes, Father. This plan is going half as we expected. Yes, I blame you for the other half, boy. Chalice, Beef.

Yes? First things first. Sign those papers. Hold up. Yes, Bob. Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. You got, no, not until our attorney, Petey Esquire, Esquire.

Seb, they're about to sign. We just got to stop them. Okay, okay. We just got to stop them. I cast Entangle. Grasping weeds and vines sprout from the ground in a 20-foot square

starting from the point within range. These plants turn the ground and area into difficult terrain. A creature in this area when you cast the spell must succeed on a strength-saving throw or be restrained until the spell ends. Perfect. Let's have everyone roll for initiative.

I got a nine. Nineteen. I rolled a four. Based on initiative, Chip, you are up. You know, I feel like I could try and go after Chalice and Beef, but it feels like I don't have enough actions to stop both of them. So I think I just have to try and stop Mr. Cheese. So I'm going to try and Battle Axe and crack open his glass dome. Okay.

That's a 20 to hit. Natural? 20? No, no, no, no. Dirty 20? Okay. Yeah. So we're going to go ahead and say that hit.

Okay. And give me the damage. The damage is nine. With nine damage, Chip's axe cracks the dome and kind of spider webs that glass. Oh, my God. It's like ready to go. Boy, boy. Father!

Throw your body in front of the axe. Protect me with your life. I cannot be exposed to the air. Father, no! So with his roll, actually, he would be next after this anyways. And he just hurls himself at Chip. This is going to be embarrassing for him.

Yeah. With a dagger. And so he rolls an attack roll. It is a 12. Does that hit? Does not. Chip puts up his hand and, like, face palms him as he tries to attack him. I will protect you!

And he's just kind of getting, like, palmed like a basketball three feet off the ground. Dave, upon seeing this, is like, Boy, this is the last time you will ever disappoint me. This is why I was never going to let you take over my company. You're a pathetic excuse for a rat boy. No, but I'm your son. It has to go to me. That's the way it works. You may be my son, but it's the one thing I regret more than anything else in my life. Making you was the greatest mistake of my existence and you will never over my dead

lifeless body which of course will never happen because i continue to live out of pure spite take over this company oh my god no and he's just screaming as the rest of his body's like limp being held off the ground Stop licking my hand. And that leads us to Dave's turn via Chalice. Yeah, I'm terrified. At this point, I think Dave was originally going to have you try and sign the contract. Now his own son has failed him. And so he'll say, Chalice, destroy Chip.

Annihilate him with your most powerful spell. Okay. I'm going to do the snowball swarm. So you'd have to just make it with disadvantage. Oh my gosh. Okay. It's a 19 and a 17. Nice.

17 plus your spell attack modifier. Yeah. That's a hit because I have an 18 AC. Ooh. Is it 3D6? Mm-hmm. 543. 12.

12. Holy cow. Ow! And cold. Chip, while holding Chucky, gets pelted with very tightly packed icy snowballs that do way more damage than you would think that that would do. So much so that he drops Chucky, trying to just protect his face from this onslaught. I'm freaking bloodied, man. And that takes us to Beef, directed by Dave.

Beef, keep it up. Destroy Chip through your most powerful ability. Yes, sir. I will do shatter. And so you're picking a spot that I would believe would be Chip that would leave Dave and his desk and dome in the vicinity. Yeah. I mean, that's what you get when you want beef on your side. Each character in a 10-foot radius sphere must make a constitution saving throw. A creature takes 3d8 thunder damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. A creature made of inorganic material such as stone, crystal, or metal has disadvantage on this saving throw.

Chip rolled a 24. Wow. So he saves. That's a 10 with the disadvantage. Let's see the damage. Four, four, and three for 11. Oh my God. So I take, do I take five or six damage?

Officially, it's supposed to be round down, but I usually round up because I like it better. We'll do round down. But it's up to you guys. You like that danger. Yeah, I like to live dangerously. Chip takes five damage, though. Okay, great.

Which I'm low right now. When that high-pitched sound goes off right next to Chip's ear, it starts high-pitched, kind of fades in, and there's a blast of energy coming off of it that completely shatters Dave's dome and blows his desk back a couple of paces. And Chip is now blown back a couple of steps as well. And Chuck is blown away from that initial point

that Beef had go off as well. It smells horrible, and I can't tell if that's from the dome or Beef's butt. There's a lot going on. There's a lot of smells in this place, man. They're killing cows on the floor this could be a number of things being exposed to the air

some of that smells definitely Dave as well like I don't think it was possible to tell from outside but there was a film of dust and dead skin all over the inside of that dome that has just been let free to the air Dave is inside like no it burns it burns, it burns.

And like little particles of him are just, he's slowly beginning to dissolve from inside of this dome. Oh my God. Beef still doesn't understand what he's done or what's going on. Dave, no. The doctor said I couldn't handle the air anymore.

My skin had to be protected. Son, save me. You just see Chucky look over at his father with tears in his eyes, shaking his head. No. No, no, son. As I'm like beginning fully crumbling in on myself. Oh, Chucky walks over. And as you're like crumbling down, the like legs and tentacles give way.

And he jumps up and stands on a desk and looks you in the eye. You always underestimated me, father. You didn't want me to follow you in succession. That's the biggest mistake you ever made. You understand me? Look at me in your weird old eye.

Get that other one open too. Look at me. One of the tentacles reaches up and opens up the other eye. This should prove to you once and for all that I actually did have what it takes. I am a shark. I do put business first.

And what's best for the business is me taking over. And he takes his dagger. Before you even take your last dying breath, he shoves it through your chest. I was so close to dying and kill-stealing you. I think this is mercy. This is actually a good thing. Yeah, that's true. I just turned to dust around his blade. Literally an empty suit. I think this is mercy. This is actually a good thing. Yeah, that's true.

I just turned to dust around his leg. Literally an empty suit. With a wig sitting on top of it. It's falling into the dome now and it's sitting in my lap. You put the wig on. Oh, it should fall onto Chuck's head. It's a crown. He now has two jerry curl wigs.

Oh my gosh, you have to say heavy is the hair. Is the hair heavy. Where's the wig? And as Dave Encheese took his last dying breath, Chalice and Beef feel the icy tendrils that were controlling your mind slip and melt away and your consciousness returns. Hey! God, I got a huge headache and a boner.

What's going on? My head. So, Chucky, I think we're just going to leave, if that's okay, Mr. Buster. Yeah. Sir. Let me tell you how it's actually going to work now that I'm in charge. Okay.

Big personality swing. I want to run this business the way that I believe it should be run. So there will be some changes around here, but I want it to be known that I am no pushover either. I am a shark and I will do what it takes to run a successful business. And right now we can't afford to look weak.

My father was right. And I do want to live up to my father's memory and take this company to the next level. So I'm offering you a choice. I will honor these contracts. But if you don't sign the contract, you are fired immediately. You will no longer have a job or any place at any Chuck E. Buster's establishment. And I know that all of you have no chance of buying this back without a salary from us. So please, do the right thing and sign these contracts. Throughout that entire speech, I was just poking him with the bo staff and just going a little bit too close, man.

Just a little, little too much. I feel like this is a trick because if we sign the contracts, we can't buy it back. So getting the salary to buy it back feels kind of silly. Yeah, it's kind of a lose-lose. But that's our house, y'all. We're going to be houseless. I know all of our glass menageries will end up back on the street. No.

No. We got to quit. We have to bet on ourselves. Listen, I left a situation that was super comfy for me because I knew that there was something better on the other side. It's the best thing I ever did. We have to fight. We can't do this. Callous is right, guys. We got to bet on ourselves. And as much as I want to be an accountant and arrest those numbers and figure out what they're up to, I think it's best that we stick together

because it's always been the best thing for us thus far. Yeah. Yeah, Beef is right. We got to bet on ourselves because... Well, Chow said that. I said it first. This happens all the time. Do you hear it?

Yeah. I feel like I tell you that this happens. Yeah. We got to bet on ourselves, just like Beef said. I rip up the contract. Spitting his eye on three One Two

Three Seize them Seize them Seize them Run away Run away And the Mr. Chunkies That were

There's hundreds of them What do they call them? Mr. Munchies Mr. Chunkies Leave it Leave it in the edit Leave it Well these are different So the Mr. Chunkies. Leave it. Leave it in the edit. Leave it. Well, these are different.

So the Mr. Chunkies. Yeah, what do they look like? They look like if Pasquale P. Pie Plate from Chuck E. Cheese was made into. Sean just sweated through his shirt. A meatball human. Scary. And they all grab you and they force you back into one of these spheres. Oh, well, we'll be okay.

And they don't strap you in this time. And they kick it down a ramp. And a skee-ball shoots to the other side of the valley. This time it goes directly into the right hole, out to the other side. And as that careens and rolls to a stop and you're all in a

heap there, take a D8 of damage. Oh. Whoa. Oh. I took three damage. I took three damage. I took one damage. I'm down to four. I took four damage. I took three damage.

The munchie that sent you on your way the first time opens up the little metal door to the sphere. Did I have a good time? I flick him off. I flick him off and walk away. It wasn't actually our worst. We didn't get to play some ping pong. That was fun.

Yeah, several times. It's just so awkward watching family fight with each other. It's like, ugh. Pring. Yeah, we didn't get to play some ping pong. That was fun. Yeah, several times. It's just so awkward watching family fight with each other. It's like, ugh. Cringe. No, baby. Cringe, sister. He shuddered at the mention of ping pong. It looks like maybe he was a ball for some time before this role.

Oh, buddy. We'll cut back to what was formerly known as Bottoms Up, which is now Chucky Busters. And as you arrive, the message must have beat you there because all of your glass menageries are out on the sidewalk there. Sean, this isn't even fun anymore.

Yeah, what are you doing? I don't like this. Sean, stop. And you see Mr. Tummy on the inside of the building looks at you guys and shakes his head and there's tears in his eyes and it looks like it's really painting him to do this but he draws the blinds

on Chuckie Busters. Beef tries to open up the door but it's locked. You let us in! Chalice puts her hands on Beef's shoulders and squeezes them in a gentle way. It's okay, Beef. They can't live outside. They have to be in a gentle way. It's okay, Beef. It's okay. They can't live outside.

They have to be in a house. I know. I know. I slept in. What did I miss? We're fired. Okay. Do I still have a job?

I don't know. That wasn't made clear. Yeah, that wasn't clear. They didn't mention you once. No. Yeah, actually. Yeah, you never even came up. I thought mention you once. No. Yeah, actually. Yeah, you never even came up. I thought you were there.

I thought you were in my pocket the whole time. What the? What's in your pocket? Wait, who is in my pocket? Oh, it's Mr. Happy Sock. Oh, we'll dance. We'll do it. No, we'll do the dance.

Look. Look how good I'm dancing. I like it now. Give us a job, Nick. Let us back in. It looks warm in there. Let us back in. Look how good we are right now. I'm dancing. I like it now. Give us a job, Nick. It looks warm in there. Let us back in. Look how good we are in here.

I'm going to bust. I will say I love this because you did tell her to use her strongest spell, which is shatter, but you are definitely going to get hit by this. Yeah. Because I am. Yeah, it's only be if Beef centered it away from

me, but I don't get that vibe from Beef. And that is correct. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Pair wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept.

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