SitcomD&D - S3 E21: Heisenburger

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

With the due date to buy back the bar less than 24 hours away, the gang scrapes together what they can. And this means Beef may have to come clean about the Bazinga drug ring he’s been running behind their backs all season. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Elizabeth Andrews Edited by: Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I reach over for toilet paper. There's nothing there. In the middle of a very busy office, people all around me. I go to the other side. There's still nothing there. I had to wait 25 minutes until no one else was in the bathroom so I could quickly change stalls so I could wipe

my my own ass maybe I'm gross I probably would have just squeezed my cheeks hard pulled my pants up and then made the transition even amongst other people is that weird no that's cool that's like that's awesome that's really cool but at what point in this did you go hmm maybe i'll talk about this on the podcast tonight i actually got to smile very quickly i was about two minutes in and i went i finally have something to share Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you didn't guess it,

because neither did I. I don't even know where we're picking up, because I'm going to ask you guys. Okay? Where is the Bottoms Up gang, or formerly Bottoms Up gang, now the formerly Chucky Busters gang, where do they

go when the only home that they've known is no longer available to them? Where are they taking up and hanging their hat? Who would have us? It would be funny if Dr. Pibb is the only person that would let us stay with him. We've tried to go to a bunch of places, and we just are now at Mr. Pibb's.

Yeah. So we'll pick up there, quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice! Dice! sound speeding and we're rolling dice when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find Sebastian Chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up as step by step our

growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant

And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Well, I'd love to say yes, but I can't. What? Why? What? I've got my in-laws coming in soon, and they're going to spend the night with us. Oh, my God. Guys, re-huddle, re-huddle.

What do we think? What do we think? This is bad. I think we just kick out his in-laws, too. There's no way they're... They've got to be just as lame as this guy. Yeah, I mean... Oh!

I didn't know there was gonna be more people here. Is that my favorite son-in-law? Why does he sound so much like his father-in-law? It's strange.

Yeah, weird. Do you have like a backyard we can hang out in? Yeah, can we just like tent up in your backyard? Well, yeah, I do. The backyard, you're free to use it. We have

a little fort that I built for the kids to play in. You can stop. We'll take it. We got it. We'll go. It's back here through the state. Thank you. Enjoy your time with your dad or whatever. And he's walking back with you guys. Yeah,

it only took four or five hours to set up. It's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Good night. This is the worst part of all this that's going on. God, this sucks.

True rock bottom. A lot of shit's happened to me this season and this is the worst. What about JR leaving you? Nope, that, yep, you're right. That was way worse. That really f***ing stings to even hear it out loud. Wow.

Yeah, we're down on our luck, and we're staying with our least favorite person. Yeah, we're in a house meant for children, and this is horrible, and everyone's already in a ton of pain the second we walked in this little house. But you know what? I'm feeling positive. We've gotten into shenanigans before and we've gotten

out of it. Let's just pool our money together and figure out what to do next. All of you right now also know tomorrow is the due date for your ability to buy back Bottoms up. So on top of what you've made in the episodes so far throughout this season, there's been talk of some side hustles. Does anyone want to go first and explain their side hustle? And then I'll explain the mechanics of just how much money that side hustle brought in this season. So as previously mentioned, Chalice has been selling makeup made out of trash. It's definitely an MLM, but at the end of the day, she maybe made a little money,

and I'm ready to find out how much. Chalice, this is what I'm going to have you do. You're going to roll a D100. If you roll over 50 gold pieces, you roll again. Whoa. I'm nervous. Come on, Jess. So I have

34 total. And it's from Trash Makeup. Yeah, and you were doing that for a while, right? Yeah. Yeah, the whole season basically. Well, the thing is, is you have to buy, you have to pay to get sent the product, and then you have to manipulate people into also...

I think I already said my piece. I think my part's done, and 34 is great, and who can beat it? Yeah, I actually had several side hustles, first of which I was hit by a mail truck. Trucks are just really big people. And I had a large settlement. And by mail truck, do you mean like M-A-L-E? Precisely. Yeah. Big man. Yeah. All right. Second was I did nude figure modeling for an art class.

Wow. Yeah, I was at a really nice adult learning center. They said that I was pretty extreme. And then finally, teenagers paid me money to eat 50 eggs. And I slithered on the ground and pretended to be a snake and I did that part for free. More than once you did that? Yes, I did. How much did you make?

I made 146 gold. Wow. That's not bad. On top of my wages of 112, that is a lot. Not quite a quarter like we need. Not 500 gold.

If I'm being honest, I also didn't get 500 gold pieces. I tried my best, though. I did try my best. Yeah, what do you got? Well, of course you know, because I brought it up every episode. May have gotten cut out. I can't remember.

But of course you guys know that I started a greeting card business. You know, after corresponding with Alberta so much, I got pretty good. I forget how good of a job I did, though. Let me check to see. Let me check in my deep pockets to see. Okay. God damn. Not great.

The cards weren't good. Cards weren't good. Made 21 gold from my side hustle. I'm rocking 162 gold pieces right now. That's total. And please do not ask to read any of the cards. Can I read one card right now? You can read one card.

Fine. On the front it says, I know this is a little corny, but, and then you open it up and it says, sorry for your loss. I couldn't figure out how the cards could not say sorry for your loss on the inside. So they all just say sorry for your loss. I know this is a little corny, but sorry for your loss on the inside. They all just say sorry for your loss.

I know this is a little corny, but sorry for your loss? I'll give you 34 gold pieces for that card. What are you doing? I don't know. Beef, you probably have enough, right? There's no way.

It's fine. We'll live out here. We'll be It's fine. It's okay, Beef. We all suck. We live out here. We'll be outside, people. Well, actually, and he's fidgeting a lot more than he normally fidgets. I have a 578 gold coin right now in my pants. Oh, I get it. Last episode, Beef didn't even know what counting was so that's probably oh no look at his pants they're heavy beef does have that many gold coin what whoa beef

how did you what did you yeah pull them out pull them out yeah here we are yeah um i don't want to say if i don't have to. But you do. Yeah. We all kind of did. And it was embarrassing for all three of us. Yeah. Yeah.

I slithered like a snake for mine. You guys promise you won't judge me? I don't think we said that. Yeah. No, no, no. Beef, we won't judge you. We are grateful to have this money to buy back the bar. Yeah.

What's going on? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just, I've just been i've been doing a lot of driving and dropping people off a lot of old ladies need rides to get their their pills well cool wow man i would have helped you out if you would have just invited me we could

have gotten all the gold uh yes big old cash cow huh a lot of old ladies who need pills. Yeah, sounds like it. Beef, I'm really proud of you for getting that money in such a cool, like, moral way. Like, it's cool to help people. Chalice and I were actually just talking about this, how, like, ethical, like, you've just been lately. Like, just, like, ethically, just, like, you're kind of golden. Yeah, gulp. You say gulp? No. You did. Gulp. Yeah, I guess I did say gulp? No. You did.

Gulp. Yeah, I guess I did say gulp. Anyways, this is amazing. Okay, so what do we do now? How much is this? How much is this? How much do we have? We all just threw it right on the ground at our feet, all the coins.

How much is that? I don't even think we have 1,000 gold. Yeah. Well, are you guys counting my negative 16? Jesus Christ. No. I guess not. I'd prefer if we didn't. I'll just take 16 out because that's what I need.

No, Jennifer. It looks like 1,080 is what we need. Oh my gosh, that's so much. Wait, that's all we need? 1,080? That's more than we've raised all season. Yeah, that's a lot. Let's just go get drunk and we'll just light Mr. Pibb's house on fire.

That sounds like the right direction. Okay. That's the logical next step. We start heading for the door of the fort. I start lighting matches. Wait, guys. What? You guys trust me on this one.

I think I can come up with the cash. I got one more pit stop I just need to make before we get to the bank. How many old ladies are you giving pills to? I'm not giving the pills. I'm getting them to their pills, all right? Jesus. Beefs, wait. Sorry.

Sorry. So what you're saying is that this is just how much you had on you and you have more in the bank? Yeah. What? Oh, my God. We might get the bar back. Yay!

Oh, my God. Yay! Oh, I can't wait to get the bar back and get drunk and, like, Mr. Pibb's house on fire. But, guys, just listen to me here. This is serious business. These old ladies, they're

intense, okay? So I need you guys, if you're going to follow me, I need to be in the driver's seat this time. Okay, B. We trust you. It sounds like you're our last hope. And as you head out around Mr. Pibb's the side of his place, we see that Mr. Pibb's, the side of his place,

we see that Mr. Pibb just missed you by about a minute and he had reached the little playset with some muffins that him and his partner had cooked for you.

Oh, I guess they had to go. Beef's hand comes into frame and he yoinks. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

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said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. com slash sitcom dnd as beef leads the rest of the gang to frazier's town market it is alive with hustle and bustle you're immediately hit with the aroma of a bunch of different spices and some fresh leather. And trade is alive, but it is dwindling down. The sun is setting. And these are kind of the last closing moments of the market.

All right. You kids hang tight, all right? Hold hands. I don't want anyone getting lost. Oh, okay. Easy. We already were. Oh, okay. Easy. We already were. And Papa will be back in a jiff, alright?

Okay. And you don't need any help or anything? Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what's the biggest help is you guys standing here looking up. Look at the sky! Big old balloons! Look at those! And Beef puts on his hat that he normally wears when he's doing his business.

And he walks into a shop. I'll have the rest of you roll for perception right now. 17 plus 4. 10. And I botched. Seems about right. Beef tried to divert you to look at the sky. But you see Beef cut around an alleyway out of the market and you see with like you can't mistake it he grabs a wall at the

base where it's touching the ground and lifts it as if it weighed nothing and it bends in the middle and scoots right under it and then the wall falls back into place and looks like a solid rock wall again. Whoa. Yeah, the sky's nuts today. No, not that. I have a weird feeling. I feel like this might be nefarious,

and Beef might not be in trouble. I don't think he is telling us to the full extent in which these old ladies are scary and dangerous. I think he's downplaying it. We got to kill these old ladies. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, let's stay holding hands. Let's not go far.

But I think we should get a little closer. Let's check back in with Beef, who's now inside one of his secret pickup spots that he regularly meets. One of his distributors, Silly Peter. You're usually welcomed by the sound of Silly Peter doing one of his classic big-bellied laughs and hitting you with a joke just as you enter because he knows your footsteps. He would know them anywhere, but it's oddly quiet in here. Silly. Silly Pete.

Hey. Give me a perception check, Beef. Fifteen. With a fifteen, you're looking around the room, and a liquid catches your eye that's on the ground, so I'm gonna spill something. Upon closer examination,

when you get up to it, you can see that it's blood that's been spilled. And as you follow the blood, you find Silly Peter. And Silly Peter is barely alive right now. Hey, kiddo. Funny joke, Silly Peter. This is one of your funnier ones. Knock, knock.

Who's there? I'm going to die. You need to call 911 right now. I'm going to die. Call 911 right now. Who? Oh, my God. Silly Pete.

Silly Pete. Oh, my God. That wasn't a joke. This is real. This is real. Oh, my God. Of course it's real. Please help me. real, this is real Oh my god, you're bleeding Of course it's real, please help me

Oh my god, who did this to you? Who did this to you? I have to tell you, I have to warn you What is it? What is it? Peter, Peter, stay with me Knock knock Who's there? Who's there? I was tortured and I gave up your location And the location of your and Jumpy's bazinga plant.

I've been tortured and oh my God, I can't do this. I can't do this. Just tell me the joke. Living a life doing bits. No one knows when you're being real. I'm sorry. Here's a kiss. Here's a kiss on the cheek. You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay, Jumpy. What'd you say about Jumpy? He's in danger.

They tortured you. I don't know who. I'm now dead for real. Wait, for real? For real? Yes. No. No.

Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock, silly Pete. Knock, knock. No No Knock knock Knock knock Knock knock silly Pete knock knock Man Hey Beef How's it going Checking in with those old ladies in there Beef has a lot of good friends out here

Yeah guys coming out Mrs. Smithles Fell it was bad So I'm just cleaning stuff up in here. Does she need any help? No, no, she's tiny. I got her. Beef, we can help. We can help.

Come on, Beef. No, no, no. I got all of this. I got all this. Okay, silly Pete, just stay there. If you're dead, don't move. Okay, what do I do? All right, Beef, we're coming in.

No, no. Hey, ethical Beef. What is it? Huh? Beef's hands are filled with blood. Mrs. Sniffles. Oh, my God. She's bleeding, and she looks like a middle-aged man.

Yeah. Beef, what is this? man yeah beef what is this uh guys i i know i got i i'm gonna wear it we're in a i'm in a pickle oh god here it is it's coming out i'm gonna do it truth or vomit truth or vomit truth truth truth vomit i've been selling drugs i've been selling a big old bazinga drugs, big old drugs, droves of drugs across this town's lines. I'm a kingpin. I'm a big ass big deal. What? Yeah.

And it's going well or what's all this blood? Yeah, you did this to this guy or is that guy, you like that guy? No, this is silly Pete. He's supposed to be funny right now. If he was alive, he'd be selling jokes to you.

He'd be selling them to you. Oh, is this guy your friend? Yeah. Oh, no. Oh,

Pete. Hold on, no, I think I have a card for this. Oh, Jesus. Oh,

no. God, not now, Not the time chip. That's beef a card. I hand beef a card. It says says everybody's got a mom sorry for your loss oh my god that's not even true not everyone has a mom chip these cards are so bad beef what do we do how can we help guys i i don't know i i gotta go i have to go i have to go see jumpy

uh i have to make sure he's okay. He's my guy. He's my dude. He's my big ol' He's my boobaloo, you know? That guy that you love. No, why do we don't? What is a boobaloo?

Yeah. He's your guy that's your business partner, and he's like your work wife, but not a boobaloo, you know? Jesus, I don't have time to explain all of this to you guys. Okay, that's fine. We'll go with you. We'll follow you wherever. Go have time to explain all of this you guys okay let's find just we'll go with you we'll follow you no no you guys can't come with me it's dangerous we don't care we're not jealous of the fact that you didn't invite us to this drug kingpin thing at all and we

just want to help right now okay we know you're in trouble okay but i don't want anyone to get hurt okay okay we trust, we trust you. We trust you. Are you all just on foot moving as fast as you can? I think Chip put his ass in gear, but this time I'm on top of his shoulders like a little kid would be on the top of their dad's shoulder, and I'm steering him with his head like left, right, right, left.

Yeah, you've turned my ponytail into two pigtails and you're directing me around and while you are moving through the desert as the sun goes down and the sky starts to turn purple it is pretty today is that why beef

just kind of casually had bazinga on him like several times throughout this year? Oh, yeah. Yeah, good point, Jennifer. Yeah, let's ask Beef, is that related to this at all? Absolutely. Now left, right, right. Beef's directing every footstep.

Right, left, left, right. A lot of hopping. All right. Before long, you arrive to an enormous cactus that, again, is the size of a modern building. And you watch Beef pull three different large cactus needles in a certain sequential order that opens a door on the back that is large enough for even Chip to fit through.

Whoa. What do you even call this? This is freaking cool. Be cool, guys. You have more hats for us, or you just kind of wear the one hat? Chip, you're jealous right now, and it's not the time.

I'm so jealous. I don't know why Beep didn't include us this whole time. I could have drove drugs. Chip, holding the bottoms-up gang slowly, makes his way into the now-secretly-opened-to-door. Everyone give me a perception roll. Five. I got an 18, though.

I also got an 18. So as you move down these steps that actually go down under the ground, under the desert floor, it becomes clear to you, Seb and Beef, that some sort of scuffle happened here. You can smell like an acrid smell that has some chemicals lingering in the air

that probably shouldn't be. There's a sound of something bubbling and spilling because you see that a Bunsen burner has been left on and the contents of one of the beakers is just overflowing. And there's a small fire in one corner. So what does this place usually look like? Usually on a good day, it's covered in posters

of different types of sandwiches and sexy poses. You can also see on the wall, there's a little spot for, it says Chip's graduation and it's a countdown to when he graduates night school, night night school

and then next to that is um a list of mlm products that beef has bought from chalice and tried and he rated it and then next to that is this whole labyrinth of like string and different photos of JR and Seb. And it says, who is JR? Oh, that's right. And then she's alive. And then it's like another string to like ideas to get,

make Seb happy. And as you are, all are taking that in and you're seeing, well, one, that Beef has a completely other life that you're unaware of, and he's been lying to you, but also that you've never been far from his mind.

The next thing you notice is the sound of a crossbow being cocked. And you look over to see one pointing directly at Beef's chest. Haven't you done enough? And Jumpy, visually, he's still wearing his classic, what used to be a bright yellow cape that is now a little bit tattered and covered in desert dust and sand but he's also bleeding profusely and holding his side where too much blood seems to be coming out and spilling on the floor jumpy it's me it's it's me it's beef

oh mr beef it's you oh what the? And Jumpy puts down the crossbow. Oh my god, are you okay? Are you hurt? Who did this to you? I swear to god, I hate coming into rooms and people are hurt, dead, almost. What's going on? They got us, Mr. Beef. They got me.

It's over. They came in, they messed us up. Wait, these are your friends? Oh, yeah. This is Chip, Seb, Joyce. Hi. Yeah, yeah. I've heard so much about you guys.

I just want to thank you for lending me your best friend for a while so he could be my best friend. We haven't heard anything about you at all. Not even a whisper. Beef turns and gives him a look like, come on, man. No, it's okay. I just wanted to thank them

for lending me their best friend for a little bit so I could have a best friend at the end of my life. You're gonna survive, man. It's just a little bit of a scratch. And Jumpy moves him close and puts Beef's hand on his heart. Hey, man, two things. I'm gonna need you

to promise me something, and then I got a gift for you. This isn't goodbye, man. We're gonna take care of you. We're gonna get you better. Mr. Beef, I need you to promise me that you'll stop selling drugs like this. You can do better than this, Mr. Beef. You need you to promise me that you'll stop selling drugs like this. You can do better than this, Mr. Beef. You can make a better life for yourself.

No more bazinga, promise? Well, you know, I never really wanted to do this in the first place. It kind of was forced upon me, but... Yes, I promise, I promise, I promise. And here, take a... I can't lift up my arm, but take my cape off me. I want you to have it. It has some magical properties, you see, Mr. Beef.

What kind? And as soon as it touches your hand, Beef, you feel that this is some material that is foreign to you. And what this tattered yellow cape um with a you know a hood that is attached to it as well is is uh actually wings of flying and while wearing this cape you can use an action to speak its command word and this will turn that cape into a pair of bat wings on your back like yellow leathery bat wings for one hour or until you repeat the command word as an action you can sense that the cloak needs something from him it needs to be attuned to beef

and beef needs to decide on a command word that whenever he speaks it they will turn into yellow leathery bat wings and allow him to fly in the sky i don't know why but pickles really come into mind right now it'd be pickle and as soon as you say pickle with a little bit more like and is this gonna work the cloak becomes erect and the wings shoot not in a weird way uh and the the wings jut out uh large bat-like wings wait so beef's batman looks like it uh beef mr beef yeah yeah one last thing plattington came in here and left me for dead they thought i had croaked and so i overheard them say that they were going to be at marmalade cave on the other side of the Prickett Desert. And hey, Beef? Yeah? Even though I

never heard you sing, you really brought the music back into my life. Oh, Beef. Beef, I'm so sorry. Here, take this card. Don't. Chip. Beef puts up his hand. It doesn't take the card.

And he keeps looking at Jumpy and he goes, I spy with my little eye one of the best guys I ever knew. That's a good card. And he salutes. He salutes Jumpy. Chip writes down that as a card. You notice that Jennifer Beef, she's actually standing on a letter. And there's a large dagger sticking that letter into the table that it's resting on.

Beef wipes away the tears in his eyes, and he goes over to the letter. You made a mistake encroaching on my territory. See you around, Heisenberger. Love, Plisenberger. Love, Pwadington. P.S. Which one of your friends do you think I'll kill next? Maybe it'll be the princess, or the pathetic lying hero, or the hot one. That's right, I know who you are, who you really are, and I'm going to destroy everything you love, beef. XOXO, Pladdington.

Oh my god. I'm the hot one? Well, I could be. You could be the lying hero. You could be the prince. Oh, goddammit. To be honest, I have no idea where Marmalade Cave is. Can we roll a history check? Yeah Can we roll like a history check? Yeah.

Everyone give me a history check. Four. Ooh, 18 plus five. Chalice, when you heard Marmalade Cave, immediately the location comes rushing back because as a naive princess, there was a time where that sounded like a very fun, cool, potentially sweet type of treat to go try to get to and enjoy, especially when you snuck out of the castle. And you found very quickly that this was a place where, you know, seedy folk who are typically not on the up and up, have been either hanging out or running their operation out of.

Hey, y'all, I saw Marmalade Cave on a map, and I insisted my butlers take me, and it was disgusting. I thought it was whimsical, and it was not whimsical at all. So I know exactly where it is. Were people, like, doinking in it? No, it was just, like Like guys leaning against the wall, like chain smoking and like talking about like their favorite like stuff

at you. It was just like, ugh, bad vibes. Bad vibes. It's like drugs and stuff. What's brilliant? Show us the way, Chalice. Uh, this way. And Chalice just starts walking. I want to like fly around and see if I can get like a good look at Marbleade cave and see if anyone's like hanging outside there or not you see that marmalade cave is not too far away from vice canyon off to the side there is just a large

kind of in the middle of the desert just what would seem to be just a large rock with a small opening. And you can see that there are two people or humanoids standing outside of it. I fly back to the gang to give them the info. Chip, your throwing of beef days are over. You don't have to throw them anymore. You can fly. Why is everyone so quiet? Chip looks down and opens a card for himself on the front of which is a picture of a spoon and it says i hope you get well spoon

whoops what i meant to say was sorry for your loss uh beef um leans down to chip's ear and he's like we can still you can still blast me into the air whenever you want, man. And with that, y'all are approaching Marmalade Cave to the point where Beef recognizes, okay, we're about to come upon a crest that will give us away if we're just walking up. Okay, guys, let's head to this crest, all right? It's going to keep us covered. I don't want anyone to see us, all right? Okay.

All right. If anybody got any loud toots do it now they all do yeah we all do it's a trumpet of toots we all do all right um what's the plan beef maybe chalice and seb you distract um be some solicitors or something role Role play. And then me and Chip could slide in the back and maybe we could get to... I think I know where his lair is. He always talks about always loving a lair in the back of a cave. And so this is it.

He's probably... Hey, that's so convenient that he would talk to you about that. Yeah. And is Jennifer coming with us or you guys? Who wants me? We'll take her. We'll take coming with us or you guys? Who wants me? We'll take her. We'll take you.

We got you. Yes! Too slow, Beep and Chip. Sam, should we just wing it? Yeah, I mean, I'm good to wing it. Great, great. Yeah. Oysters for sale!

I'm glad that you said that early on. I feel like once we get up to the door Yeah, you said wing it and I was like, I gotta run this one by. No, no, no, this works, this works. Okay, okay, okay. I just am glad I wasn't surprised. Let's ring the doorbell. Chalice like knocks on the

door of the cave. Whoa, whoa. And you realize that you had totally ignored the two guards that are standing right out in front. Oh, sorry. We got, oh, we don't have, we got oysters for sale. Oyster!

We're selling them door to door. That's right. You are looking at two enormous bugbears. They have very intense eyebrows and long, almost goblin-esque ears, but they're like beast mixed with man. One of them is wearing just a red t-shirt though, up top as far as clothing, and that's it. And then the other one is wearing a little hat that for some reason gives you

the vibe that this one is really interested in preventing forest fires. You want to buy some oysters? Do we want to buy oysters? Well, actually, how much are they, actually, maybe? Oh, they're free tonight, these oysters. Oh, God, they've gone bad. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Three plus 20. That's how much they cost, gentlemen. You look like fine gentlemen. Do you have a favorite fish? When was the last time you took yourself out to a nice seafood dinner? By the smell of you guys, it's been a while. I'm kidding. I'm joking.

You hear the grip get tighter on the spiked club that they're holding. Okay. Can I ask you guys a question? You've asked so many already. Well, what's the difference with one more? Go ahead and hit him. How are you? Losing our patience.

While Chalice and Seb are distracting the bugbears. Excellently. Excellently, definitely. Beef is flying, um, around the cave to find the back door. Give me an investigation rule. I got a two.

Oh, it's gotten dark. Beef is, uh, flying blind up there. Um, he's actually getting scared that he doesn't know where the ground is anymore. Is it sky or ground?

Sky or ground? Beef? Beef, over here! I land. Oh, God, that was scary. I didn't know if it was up or down, down or up. Alright, let's get after it. Where are we going? Don't know. Bad optics up or down, down or up. All right, let's get after it. Where are we going? Don't know.

Bad optics up there. Maybe you could give it a try. Yeah, I could give it a try. And I slowly back away and I turn and I sprint for the front of the cave. And I drive my axe into one of the guards. Classic bottoms up crew. Easy. Okay, everybody roll for initiative. Four.

18. Four as well. Also 18 as well. What the? So Seb and Chalice are just trying to chat with him. And all of a sudden, Chip comes flying from up above and drives my axe into one of their heads as they're trying to sell oysters free oysters this guy comes with an axe out of nowhere oh my god uh okay give me an attack roll attack roll is 14 does that hit. Okay, excellent. 10 damage.

Okay. You absolutely smoke one of these. You can describe what it looks like because this thing's out for the count. It happens so swiftly that it's one of those where I slice him in half and then he stands there for a minute and you're

Seb and Chalice are so in shock that they continue to sell for a second until he falls in half. Oysters! I'm eating one. See they're not bad. It's not bad. Slowly the left half splits from the right half and slumps off.

And just like a wave of blood just gets all over Seb. And the one known as Pooh by the other bugbears goes, What the f*** was that? And raises his axe and takes a chop at Chip. A chip chop? Not a chip chop.

18. Oh, that hits barely. Ooh. That's 12 damage. Barely hit me. Barely. Bare barely got me so he uh just i mean he goes into reflex mode he's now in battle he's battle tested that's why he's out front he doesn't have much in the way of brains but when blood sprays on him especially that a comrade, he doesn't take more than a split second to get back into action and hits you hard with an axe in the gut.

I turn to Chalice and Seb and I go, help, please. And Seb, you're up. I'm going to, since I'm right there, I'm going to use poison spray on the little effer. Does a 13 pass? Oh, 13 is my save DC. We'll say that it doesn't then. Okay, cool. So you take, oh my God, you take 10 damage.

Oh. The spray goes into his face and he screams. Oh, my face. And as you might, if something terrible happened to your face. And he withers away. And you can see he is probably dead and is not coming back anytime soon. I put my hand over his mouth as he screams to try and muffle his sound. And I'm like, okay like okay guys now we can kind of just sneak in that kind of worked

yeah Chalice takes one of the greeting cards out of Chip's breast pocket and like puts it on both those guys what do they say what does it say it says roses are red violets are blue sorry for your loss and you're over the hill violets are blue. Sorry for your loss.

And you're over the hill. 40th birthday. Sorry for your loss. Chip takes one of the guards uniforms and puts it on. Smart. Chip, that was crazy. That was not the plan. I got bored. I was so bored. Beef was flying. You guys were talking to the guys. I got bored. I was so bored. Beef was flying.

You guys were talking to the guys. I got so bored. Jif kind of makes himself as big as possible to hide his crew behind him. Everyone roll for perception. I botch. Five. Three. Ooh, natural 20.

Oh, thank God. Bam. Saving the crew. Seb, you feel the side of the cave walls, and it's sticky. And you also smell something kind of sickly sweet, and that's probably why this is called Marmalade Cave. The caves give off this sticky, almost like sap. The caves are almost alive, it seems like, and maybe it is some sort of

high-level fungi or mixed with rock and earth, but it's right now all you know that is that there is something sticky sweet along the walls, and you can hear something, Seb. And what it is is coming from just like maybe 20 paces ahead and to the left. And you can hear what sounds like a party with a bunch of deep-voiced people. And you hear it being pretty raucous just about 20 paces ahead. There's tough, scary, low speakers ahead. And B, for all these people bad, or just one? They're all bad, right? They're all bad.

Oh, yeah. Oh, good, because we just killed two of them. Yeah. Maybe you guys hang out here. I could go invisible, do my invisible spell. I touch myself. And as Beef touches himself. I could go invisible, do my invisible spell. I touch myself. And as Beef touches himself, he does go invisible. Damn, this is cool.

I should have been doing this all season. Jeez Louise. As you come around the bend, light is pouring out into the cavern tunnel. And as you get closer and you find yourself standing in the opening looking at what is effectively

like a mess hall of about 20 to 30 bugbears. All screaming, laughing, drinking, fighting. Before I go back to the group, I want to get a perception check to see if there's anything going on in there

that seems like I could use that information for something. 15. You more feel it at first. You go, my hand stopped touching something sticky in a wall, and it's touching wood. Wooden beams at this point are holding this cave in place. And especially

this cave door. These are pretty strong and pretty thick, but if they were taken out, you'd think maybe there'd be a cave-in in this portion of the cave. Beef yoinks a couple of things he wants to eat, and he makes his way back to the crew.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Lots of guys in there. We're not going to be able to take them, guys, but I did spot, I think, the infrastructure of this place I think if we can hit these beams maybe we can cave them in and get them all stuck inside so they can't get out just enough time to find Plattington get his ass and get out of here

any ideas on how we can get these beams shattered? shatter shatter that sounds like a job for Jennifer oh nice yeah hand me your axe oh Jennifer what if you just crawled in Chatter. Chatter. That sounds like a job for Jennifer. Oh, nice. Yeah, hand me your axe. Oh, Jennifer, what if you just crawled in and then pushed the stuff out? Like, I feel like you're the perfect size for that.

Yeah, the more I think about this, maybe this isn't a job for Jennifer. I weigh like a pound. You can't destroy the big, huge wooden beams. How about we all just hit one of the wooden beams at the same time with all of our stuff? Okay. And Chalice, without even thinking, just throws a firebolt. I rolled a 19, and it's 10 damage. Whoa.

10 damage. Okay. That thing buckles already. There's a huge bow in it, and it's splintered, but it now has the attention of the entire room. They probably didn't hear anything that happened outside earlier because a party has unfolded and there is general revelry.

But this one struck a little close to home. A fireball just went off 10 feet from them and bowed the opening to this mess hall. So you've got the attention of a lot of bugbears and everyone's going to have to react pretty quick or a bunch of bugbears are going to pour out into the cavern hole.

And there's an awkward silence, and Chalice goes, uh, oysters for sale. Chip, go! Chip sprints, jumps, and tries to smash the wooden beam with his axe. 22. That'll hit. Nine damage. You hit it so hard that it it does completely your axe comes all the way through but you also took out a chunk with it and it kind of

fell on top of itself almost when if you ever built in like a cad it was like a class i took in middle school and you had to build a structure that you put more and more weight on it to see how long it could withhold and how much weight it could stand. There's a point sometimes where even if it's not that well made, it'll break a little bit, but it finds a new resting place having broken a bit. And that's what happens with this. It looks like at this point, even a gust of wind could knock this thing down, but it is

somehow still erect one bugbear is at the threshold as beef takes his action well another shatter's coming out and I point my butt towards the beams I'll also say chip is definitely there

oh no everyone gets blown back and everything gets blown back. So wood shrapnel flies in every direction. The bugbear goes barreling back into the mess hall that he came from. And Chip flies into the cavern hall. 14 damage, we'll just say. I would be unconscious if I didn't save there. Oh, wow. Oh! Whoa! 14 damage we'll just say I would be unconscious if I didn't save there so oh wow

oh man okay did we do it can we go home cause I'm tired as Chip explodes into the cavern wall and falls prone the piece of timber completely gives way. And just as more bug

bears try to move through that opening, a bunch of rock and dirt and debris fall and clog that hole that the other bug bear just got blown back out of. So maybe even more would have made it out if it wasn't for that shatter that blew that bugbear back into the room. And now that is completely sealed off with rock and dirt and debris. Chip, Chip, are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Did we kill the bad guy? We killed him, right?

Chip, you're looking not even at us. Hello, Chip? I started licking the marmalade off the wall. It's good, isn't it? It's so good. It's so good. I need it. There's a lot like a ring of marmalade around Jennifer's face already.

I'm sticky. Seb comes from around the corner because I did nothing in all of that. And I am just chewing bubble gum. What's up? What's crappening, people? what's up what's crappening people a chalice slings chip's arm uh around her neck and is sort of just gonna guide him because she doesn't quite trust that he doesn't have a head injury right now chip rests his head on chalice's shoulder and smiles a little bit now some of these cavern pathways they might have a bugbear in them. Chip, you have dark vision,

but you're kind of bloodied right now. Are you still leading the way or how are we trying to avoid them to get there? Well, first thing, I put my little mouth up to Chip's ear and I use healing word. So eight, you regain eight health. No longer bloodied.

I'm leading the way. Darkvision style. Nice. As you continue on, you come to a three-pronged fork in the road. Chip, give me another perception check. Oh, yeah. A 14.

With a 14, you've narrowed it down to, you can't really tell what's going on on the two, the middle one and the one to the right, but the one on the left, for sure, you sense danger. Okay. Right's always right. Gotcha.

You guys are moving quickly through. You see that there is a bugbear on this tunnel, but it seems like he's asleep outside of a door. Will you be quiet. So everyone give me a stealth check if you're just going to try to move past. 14. 15. Unnatural 20.

Oh, 17 plus 4. Chalice, a little bit of dust from the cave falls under your nose, and you're going to sneeze. Can I use suggestion on myself to make myself not sneeze? That's funny. Not a rule in the rule book says a dog can't play basketball. That doesn't say. I'm going to suggest to myself that I don't sneeze.

Wow. Just don't sneeze. And your own words reverberate in your head and the sneeze is quelled but it goes somewhere in my body and now it's in my arm and it's horrible it's like a sensation i've never holding a fart yeah there's a sneeze in my arm now and i'm upset and you move through the the cavern tunnels and you're on your way again now you're moving very quickly and starting to get warm again it makes you feel like maybe you're getting closer to the ground level the next thing you know you come upon a large door with pladdington's name engraved on the outside of it not Not a humble man. And a lot of

graffiti and bright paint of bugbears and violence have been thrown together and graffitied on the door. We're here. Thank you so much for all of your

hard work and your bravery. I totally get it. If you want to bow your bravery. I totally get it. If you want to bow out now, I totally get it. But I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to kick some ass for my friends, Jumpy and for Silly Pete. You guys don't have to do this. Chalice reaches down and grabs Beef's hands.

Let's go. Zed puts a hand on Beef's shoulder and goes, Let's go said puts a hand on B shoulder goes let's go chip puts his finger in beef's mouth let's go you realize that Jennifer got stuck to your back at some point when she was running throughout the tunnels and she's trying to get a hand in there and she goes, I got your back. You open the door and it creaks and all of you cringe and you wait and you listen and you hear a yell is what it sounds like. And so you brace yourselves for impact. But then you're stopped in your tracks

because all of you recognize that it's not a yell. It's Plattington singing. he's kind of crooning to himself in a villain a villain style nobody wanna see us together but it don't matter no because i've got you and then sab the little face on your shoulder, goes, Oh, my God. It has been so long. And who knew that that is Kismet, that he would hear the same song, and that alerts Plattington. Hey, somebody there. No.

Nice. Beef, I heard you. No. Nice. Beef, I heard you. I've come from afar. You're dead. Are you trying to intimidate?

Would you like to roll for intimidation? Yeah. Trying to scare him? Yes, I'd like to roll for intimidation while I try to freak him out. It was a 15 plus 7. Oh, it is a fucking poltergeist. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Please, I'm sorry, Mom.

I'm sorry. You've been a bad, bad boy. I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry, Mom. I love you. Okay, I want to thunderclap his ass.

So I fail. What's the damage? Five. Oh, oh, what? Mom, I said I'm sorry. So as soon as Beef issued the thunderclap and Pladdington falls into his furniture that breaks his fall fall but also breaks the

furniture he looks up to see the invisibility now gone since Beef did an attack and Beef is standing there for him to see as Pladdington terrified looks up at Beef and

then that's when Beef yells now Chip sprints in hi I'm Chip Ahoy nice to meet you and then does a big battle axe right to the chest. Nice to meet you. He's unhinged. They haven't met before.

Oh, that's just being polite. Yeah, he just has manners. It's just being polite. All right. Chip rolls a 15, which does hit. 10 damage. I'm going to use my action surge to do a second action. And I roll another 15, which hits hit. 10 damage. I'm going to use my action surge to do a second action. And I roll another 15, which hits again.

Ooh! 9 damage! Damn, baby! He's taken 24 damage already right off the get-go as you all are exploding into the room after he was psychologically tormented by what he thought was his mother's poltergeist speaking to him. And you see he is now bloodied.

He's laying down in a pile of what was broken furniture. His whole place in this cave is kind of set up like if a teenager lived in the basement of their parents' house. That's kind of the vibe. Like if a teenager lived in the basement of their parents' house, that's kind of the vibe. But there's just a lot of weapons and suggestive paintings of violence and nudity. Just like a real little shithead. It's fucking tasteful.

And, Seb, you're up as you rush in just behind Chip. I'm going to do wild shape, and I'm going to turn into a wolf, and I'm going to bark at him. You want to bite his ass? Oh, yeah, I'll bite him. I love the image of Chip jumping in, hitting him with his axe, and then hitting him with an axe again. Seb right behind him, leaping at him,

jumps and dives at him off the ground, and then in the air turns into a wolf that goes straight for his jugular. Wow. Yeah. All right. Natural 20, so I critted. Whoa. That's 12 damage.

Whoa. See, I do stuff. What is happening? I was just having a party. This is the best you've ever done in combat as a group. This is incredible. Pladdington's still standing and it is Pladdington's turn. He's going to cast Hunter's Mark and he's going to mark beef.

That just means that like if I do hit you in a future round, I get extra damage. But he's so confused. He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. All he knows is he's mad at beef. And then I actually am going to strike beef then. I don't know these guys, so I'm coming after you. Sorry, I don't know. I'm Paddington, by the way.

Nice to meet you. Just an eight. He goes to pull out his sword, and it catches on his side, and he really just cuts himself. That's embarrassing. That is. He goes to pull out his sword, and it catches on his side, and he really just cuts himself. That's embarrassing. That is. No, yeah.

No, you don't have to. It's embarrassing. I'm sorry. I'm making a fool of myself. Bad first impressions. Don't read into this guy, guys. He comes off like he's got good manners, but this guy's a real asshole. He killed my friends. Okay, I'm going to finish him off.

I approach him to dagger him. Okay, I rolled a 17 plus 4. Does that hit him? That's a 21. That'll hit. So, Beef, describe what this looks like as you drive your dagger into Paddington. of your dagger into Paddington. I take the back of his neck and pull him in as I take the dagger and I push it into

where he had already stabbed himself from the sword. And then I cut up towards his heart. Holy crap. You've messed with the wrong kingpin. I'm going to put my hat, his hat back on him. Iconic. And I say, sayonara. Sayonara.

Damn it. We did it, Beef, you did it beef you did it and chalice scoops uh beef up and into the biggest chalice what did you do i was about to get in there and you know do the stuff that one does to help their

friends beef you did it you did it you did it yeah i guess i i guess i did he's just staring off kind of then all of a sudden you hear wow baby brother you did it you did it and you see kerchak walks in through the back cavern door. You see a bunch of other humanoid pigs run in wearing full black SWAT armor. Kerchak? How'd you know I was here?

How'd you find us? Are you kidding me? I've been following you since I came to your bar. I knew what you were up to, okay? And I knew at a matter of time you got yourself wrapped up in this, you'd get yourself killed or you'd get Plottington killed. And we were just ready to move in when the filth figured itself out, you know? Wow, I mean, guys, I swear to God, i didn't know about this i i had no idea that you had a whole police force following you for a whole season chip you're jealous of that the heck man tell me you didn't even tell us include us what's wrong with you I can't believe you didn't arrest me or take me in

to jail or something for doing this. Yeah, a little f***ed up that your brother was just going to let you die potentially. We're not that close, are we, Beef? Otherwise, maybe you would have told me right away what you were up to.

Now, boys, confiscate it. All the gold and the bazinga. It's evidence. Oh! And as soon as he says evidence, all the other SWATs start laughing knowingly. And now you're starting to get the idea that Kerchak's probably a pretty dirty pig.

Wait, Kerchak, I mean, I know that some of that's evidence, and I don't know what's so funny about that, but I know some of it. But we actually came here because we needed to take some for the bar. We need to save the bar. That's the whole reason I did this. We need to save the bar. We need to save the bar.

And everybody laughs. I don't get your jokes, man. You're bad at making jokes. We don't get your jokes, man. You're bad at making jokes. We don't get it. Well, your parents were good at making jokes. Because look what you are. You're all jokes. Whoa!

Let me tell you something, little bro. And he puts his hand on you, Beef, and he looks down at you. He goes, you thought you were playing this game? No. The game plays you. I'm the one who really runs vice canyon the rest of you and you beef you're just a pawn in my little game i had you found out since the moment i saw you which is why it's so tragic that you got wrapped up into this mess beefy boy now i I am going to take your gold. And I am going to take all the bazinga.

But I'm not leaving you with nothing. I'm leaving you with the greatest gift of all. And he gets really close to his snouts, like almost touching your nose. Your life. And that's because you're family. And I have a code. Then he turns his back and he starts to walk out of the back door as all the SWAT follows him as he signals. But if I ever hear about you trying to get involved in my world again,

and if you ever mention any of this to Mom or Dad or any of our brothers or sisters in the family, I'll kill you. Burn it, boys. I recommend you leave quickly. Thanks for the evidence, pal. And they dump some barrels of what smells immediately to all of you, like some sort of kerosene that immediately gets ignited

and the room explodes in flames as the door on that side quickly shuts, and you hear a lock latch from the outside against it. Chalice just takes off running. Yeah, we sprint. You can feel the heat behind you spreading to the wooden beams that keep a lot of this cave from caving in, and the flames, you hear them eating the wood and crackling.

And so all of the cave behind you is caving in as you run out. Everyone just give me an acrobatics check to see if you can get out of here. I'll let you do athletics or acrobatics, whatever suits you better to try to escape this burning tunnel. Unnatural 20. A natural 20. I got a 13 plus 4. A 15.

Okay. And Jennifer's still stuck to Beef's back. So you all dive out of the mouth of the cave from which you entered as you hear it crumbling and creaking and falling into itself

behind you there's one huge ball of smoke and a little bit of flame that follows you out and as your stomachs hit the cold sand in the night you roll over and you just smell burning wood and you're staring at what is now just, is now a filled cave. Is everyone okay? Is everyone okay? Are you okay? What the hell? Oh my God.

Oh my God. What a reveal. Oh my God. Oh my God. You guys. My gold is still in there. No, no, no. The gold got taken.

When Seb says the gold got taken, you see Seb's pointing and all of the SWAT team of pigs because they really just came out the other side. You can kind of see them in the distance as they're moving away towards Vice Canyon with a bunch of chests under their arm and they're

all giving you big thumbs up. Hey, Beef. Honestly, if I had to pick between getting you out of that situation alive and buying back Bottoms Up, I'm picking you every time. You don't have to say that. I lost everything. I can't even sell drugs. I can't even sing. I can't sell drugs.

I can't save the bar. I mean, he's right. I'm a joke. I'm a joke. I don't know why. I can't sell drugs. I can't save the bar. I don't got it. I mean, he's right. I'm a joke. I'm a joke. I don't know why you guys are my friends. I don't know why you guys hang out with me. I get it. You know what? Just do what my pig family did to me and just shut me out and I'll leave. I'll leave. I'll turn around and I'll walk away. You guys don't need to worry about me. You guys don't need to worry about me. You guys don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. I think you guys will be better off without

me. Beef, get back here. Chalice puts down Chip's hand that's trying to hand him a card. No. Why? Everybody's got a brother. Sorry for your loss.

Hey, Beef, don't go. Beef, wait up. Hey, we're not friends with you because you can sing. As far as I know, you are a pretty powerful drug kingpin. Sounds like you can do anything you set your heart and mind to. We love you because you're Beef. If you're a joke, then we're all jokes. I mean, we got chow's former princess me

liar and seb is hot you know we're all so hot these days and i'm a wolf but we're all jokes together and that's that's okay because we're family yeah i guess i had a lot of relationships before you guys were. It all was an act of service. It was all give, give, give and no take. And I gotta say, you guys, you didn't even bat one eyelash after I said I was in trouble. You guys gave. And I didn't have to take. You guys just gave.

And I just realized that I could be 100% beef or 0% beef, but you guys are going to let me no matter what, huh? Beef, I would give anything for you. And you know what we should do right now? We should go get really drunk and burn down mr pibb's house who's with me let's get oysters too i'm ready let's go oh my god you know what i needed that i needed that god it's good to laugh again i know that we have to buy the bar back by tomorrow but we've been in worse positions before i don't know let's get, have a little fun, make our buddy B feel better,

and then we'll come up with a plan and hope for a miracle tomorrow. What do you guys say? Can you guys speak up? It's hard to hear when I'm on beef's back. Oh, Jennifer. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Elizabeth and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible.

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Where Ben and Waleed discuss all things related to becoming a new father Listen at your own risk Because it'll melt your little heart So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D And get in on the fun and finally if you want to keep up with the gang you can follow the show on instagram and twitter at sitcom dnd that's sitcom and the letters d and d this is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode get hot spicy memes relating to the show

and see new character drawings done by our very own w eat man sewer okay i think that's it for now until next tuesday and thanks as always for listening thanks for listening i'll see you next week for the finale love you bye that was a hate gum podcast