SitcomD&D - S3 E22: Parlay

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

It’s the gang’s last chance to buy back Bottoms Up before they lose the bar forever. So in a last ditch effort they head to the Sunny and Cherriot games to risk it all on a parlay sports ...bet in hopes of winning the fortune they so desperately need. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean Coyle Edited by: Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. What is Rodeo Drive? Ben? Is it a street? Yes. Yes. It's like a fancy, expensive shopping place. The movie Pretty Woman, when she goes in that shopping spree,
Starting point is 00:00:18 and she does a big mistake, huge. That was on Rodeo Drive. And Mighty Ducks 2, all the boys go to Rodeo Drive. Oh, I get this one. Did not get that first round. But we got to go, Erin. Yeah, I would love to. We got to get drunk
Starting point is 00:00:31 and then like buy it. And accidentally spend thousands of dollars at Gucci. Exactly. I would get drunk and go there with $120 cash with no cards though. I would go just with
Starting point is 00:00:41 the clothes on my back and a pot and then maybe just a machete. And see if you could barter your way up to like a Lambert. Yeah. Will you take this pot for that Lambo? Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today is the season three finale.
Starting point is 00:01:13 Hey, we're all having fun. at dawn, where the gang is pacing back and forth anxiously, awaiting that so to arrive, and potentially hand over the deed to their beloved building that was the home of Bottoms Up, to Chucky Buster Cheese himself, who's sitting just outside of the Chucky Buster's establishment in his decked-out purple carriage. And the gang knows right now
Starting point is 00:01:47 they're a little short when it comes to the gold they needed to raise in order to buy back Bottoms Up. They needed to raise 2,000 gold. They got all of that taken from them, everything that they raised over the course of the season. And since then, they've managed to rummage together five gold between the four of them. That leaves them 1,995 gold pieces short. So morale is not high as they await that someone. Oh, look in the sky. Some wings.
Starting point is 00:02:16 And he swoops in with his little spectacles resting on the bridge of his beak and perches just a couple of feet from the gang. That's where we'll pick up. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling!
Starting point is 00:02:33 Season One! Vanali! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian Chalice, Chip, and Pete at the noble bottoms up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away.
Starting point is 00:02:54 We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else.
Starting point is 00:03:27 Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Uh, hello. I'm sorry I'm a little bit late. I ran into a flock of seagulls on the way here. Yeah, I think that gives us an extra day, right? Or an extra year? What was it? If you're late, that gives us a whole extra season?
Starting point is 00:03:42 And as you say that, you hear Mr. Tummy, who's just gotten out of the carriage, go, All rise for the honorable CEO of Chuck E. Buster's Chuck E. Buster Cheese himself. Boo. I sit down. I was standing before and I sit down. I sit in Chip's lap. Boo. I sit in Chip's lap.
Starting point is 00:04:06 Mr. Tummy opens the carriage door and the three and a half foot rat-human hybrid that is Chucky Buster steps out onto one of those little things that are carried by like four people with handles that they would like have like emperors. A palanquin. Yes, a palanquin. I learned that from you.
Starting point is 00:04:21 Yeah, we did this in an episode. You taught me that word. And look how it's paying off. Hooray. He's on a little palanquin. I learned that from you. Yeah, we did this in an episode. You taught me that word. And look how it's paying off. Hooray. He's on a little palanquin held about a half an inch off the ground by hundreds of little Mr. Munches. Oh, I forgot about those guys. And they get closer and closer to the group. Hello, former employees of Chucky Busters.
Starting point is 00:04:44 Hello, guy who murdered his dad. Oh! Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye. Bye-bye, bye-bye. Okay, well, the only thing I'm in the mood for murdering right now is a business deal. So please, let's not draw this out. That so, would you hand over the deed to this fine establishment? draw this out. That so, would you hand over the deed to this fine
Starting point is 00:05:03 establishment? Well, yes, I would like to, but we do have to give them a chance to pay off the 2,000 gold pieces. So, have you raised the allotted funds? Yeah. Why? I mean...
Starting point is 00:05:20 We have till the end of the business day, right? Uh, technically, you do have until sundown. I thought we could maybe execute this professionally at the time of the business day, right? Technically, you do have until sundown. I thought we could maybe execute this professionally at the time that we had established. But technically, you do have until sundown. Yes. Well, I left my purse. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Starting point is 00:05:37 I left my purse on the other side of Fraser. Oh, my gosh. And we can go get it, and we'll be back by sundown and then we'll do this business deal. Yes, and we left all of our purses with Chalice's purse.
Starting point is 00:05:49 They were in my purse. All their purses were inside of my purse. She got a comically large purse and they're all with it. I don't give a shit. Every time that I deal
Starting point is 00:05:59 with you all, you ruin my day. That's what you do. You ruin my day. Well, what I'm saying is you can have a great day here at the fine establishment Chucky Busters,
Starting point is 00:06:07 play some games, eat some food, have some fun, and then we'll be back before you even know it with the money that we have. That is real. Okay. And it's real. Okay, fine. The law does state you have until sundown on the day that is decided for the payment. So I'll be here until
Starting point is 00:06:24 sundown. And that's final. There's no extensions this time. I don't care how many teeth Seb pulls out. It is final. You don't care at all? At minimum, it's fascinating. Minimum. A lot of it is just I have unlimited baby teeth.
Starting point is 00:06:37 There's about like 16 just like lined up. Just go get the money. Hey! Okay. And the gang starts walking off in no direction. We all walk in four different directions confidently. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say that I had the same thought at the exact same time.
Starting point is 00:06:54 As you just start to wander away in all different directions from Chucky Buster's, you run into... Mail is here. The mail is here. Here we go. The mail is here. Whoa. go, the mail is here. Whoa, hey! Fancy, I should see you here. You saved me a couple steps.
Starting point is 00:07:09 I was just going to get you some of your mail here. No time, mailman. We got to find money. Maybe he has like a 2,000 gold check for us from our dead uncle. Oh my God. Who has a dead uncle? Do you have a dead uncle's check for us? And he kind of looks at the envelope in his hand and weighs it. He's like,
Starting point is 00:07:25 I don't think that's 2,000 gold pieces, but, uh, well, here you go. See for yourself. Mail was here. The mail was here. He starts moving out. We should have robbed him. Oh, Seth. From here on out, every person we see, we rob. That's fine. Amen.
Starting point is 00:07:42 Who's the mail for? Chip Ahoy is what you see on the front. Oh, okay. I guess not the best time for a love letter, but I think I can open this thing up if you guys don't mind. Hey, man, you got to get it where you can get it. Thanks. I think I actually really need this right now. I open up the letter.
Starting point is 00:08:00 You open it up, and there's actually a couple different components to this letter. the letter. You open it up and there's actually a couple different components to this letter. The letter itself is on a piece of parchment that has been sprayed with Alberta's perfume. You smell her scent on it. What, do you not like the smell of Doritos
Starting point is 00:08:16 Locos Tacos? No. Happy anniversary, my love. Please take these tickets to the Sunny and Chariot games and have the time of your life. I love you more every day, you sexy idiot. That's our little pet name for me. Idiot?
Starting point is 00:08:32 Yeah, yeah. And you see five tickets fall out for the 424th annual Sunny and Chariot games. This is basically Frasier's Super Bowl. They take place in the capital and draw a crowd of more than 200 000 people they consist of several different chariot based events and last like an entire day why don't we go scalp these tickets bros yeah i mean that's gotta be like 2000 right and if we can't then we go in and then we start robbing people and sex. Oh my god. Easy. High fives all around. High five. Oh, give me
Starting point is 00:09:07 some skin. Scalping, robbing, so many good crimes that we could commit. What if we did what seems like it's a crime, but is not, and it's legal? I'm listening. You're frothing at the mouth, which makes me think you're about to talk about gambling, Jennifer. Yes,
Starting point is 00:09:24 Chalice! I've been trying to get this group to gamble since day one. And I'm telling you right now, if we're looking to make 2,000 gold pieces in one day, starting with five gold pieces, there's only one way to do that, baby. Parlaying some bets. I don't know, guys. Wouldn't it be safer if we just tried to sell them? I mean, these will go for 25 to 50 gold pieces tops.
Starting point is 00:09:52 Okay, now we got 200 gold pieces. You f***ing happy beef? That's not enough! Easy. You are literally, I just got shocked by you. I tried touching you and I got an electric shock in my hand. You need to relax. Jenny pushed
Starting point is 00:10:05 me all the way down. This is the one time where gambling makes sense. We need to do it. Okay. Yes. If we were just going to place one bet, five gold pieces on an outcome, yeah, wouldn't be enough. But if we parlay the bets, then if every single bet goes our way, we could turn five gold pieces into 2000. There you go with that word again. What is a parlay? Is that like pirate code? What Every single bet goes our way. We could turn five gold pieces into 2,000. There you go with that word again. What is a parlay? Is that like pirate code? What does that mean?
Starting point is 00:10:30 There is no time to explain. Follow me. We're going to the Sunny and Chariot Games. Oh, she just took the tickets and ran. We gotta go. As y'all enter the Capitol and make your way to the Sunny and Chariot Games, the sound of the crowd's excitement echoes through the city streets. The capital is full of beautiful buildings, the smallest of which are still three times the size
Starting point is 00:10:50 of anything you've seen in France, and made with beautiful polished white stone. You're all swept up in the river of people flowing towards the arena to witness this epic sporting event. Now, the grand arena looms before you. Its massive stone walls and towering arches are a testament to the wealth and power of the kingdom. As you enter, you are immediately overwhelmed with a view of the track. It's like nearly impossible to see from one side of the track to the other because it's so large. The smell of sweat and sand fills your nostrils. The seating area is packed with spectators from all walks of life, cheering and shouting as they watch the chariots and
Starting point is 00:11:28 their horses warm up for the games around the track. For the listeners, this may sound familiar because this is the same arena and track where the chariot race was held in Purple Perry Petals, Season 2, Episode 20.
Starting point is 00:11:43 The atmosphere is electric with the thunderous hooves of horses Ooh! full armor, riding chariots pulled by massive warhorses. In another, you see sleeker, faster chariots with only two wheels whipping around the track, dodging obstacles and maneuvering through tight spaces. So you see that there's different events that are going to be happening throughout the day. As you are looking over the track, your eyes are all drawn to the sky, where you see enormous visuals of specific racers getting warmed up. It essentially looks like a free-floating, humongous jumbotron, and your brains can't really make sense of it at first. Why don't you guys give me a perception roll? 16 plus 4. Chalice, you can see a wizard dressed in vibrant teal robes soaring around the arena, and it becomes clear that he is casting some very high-level version of Major Image for the audience, based on what he's seeing, and he's also handling the announcements and color commentary for the event.
Starting point is 00:12:57 Find your seats! The events will be starting shortly! Ha ha! What a beautiful day for racing! Whoa, that looks expensive. But there's more to the arena than the track itself that you're looking at. Between races, you're able to explore this vast arena and its surroundings, visiting the different vendors selling exotic foods and trinkets,
Starting point is 00:13:24 or perhaps even placing a bet on an event. In fact, you see Jennifer racing back towards you guys right now, waving something in her hand, a wax-stamped piece of paper recognized as an official wager place. Okay, okay, y'all. So I placed a five gold piece bet, and there were very few options of what parlays would pay out 2,000 or more. So remember, dum-dums, with a parlay, every single one of these bets needs to go our way.
Starting point is 00:13:56 If even one of them doesn't, the whole parlay falls through, and we lose everything! Which is just like five gold pieces. Still everything. I feel like that's a lot of luck we're depending on. That's crazy. I haven't been following this year's chariot races.
Starting point is 00:14:14 How do we know it's going to be good? I picked things that I feel like we could potentially, as a group, influence. So don't freak out or anything, but basically none of the things that I bet on for the parlay... Whisper.
Starting point is 00:14:28 You're screaming about fixing bets. Listen, guys, you're in my world now, okay? I don't give a f***. Whoa! Okay. These are my people. We're in the underworld now. Jennifer has a cigar in her hand.
Starting point is 00:14:40 What the hell? She's got a crazy hat. She's giving thumbs up to everyone around her. No one gives a s***. She's giving thumbs up to everyone around her. No one gives a s***. Everyone's only focused on one thing. Their gold. Their pockets. I mean, I wish you would have consulted us on some of these
Starting point is 00:14:53 bets, but do you mind running us through what you picked? Hey, I don't come to you and tell you how to be a dumb a**hole. Sorry. No, that was pretty good. Yeah, I kind of actually like that. That's maybe my favorite thing you've ever said. All I'm saying is leave the gambling to Jennifer, okay?
Starting point is 00:15:12 Here are the bets, and this is what we need to happen. The coin flip has to be tails right up top. The puppy bowl needs to be won by the Basset Hound. There has to be a marriage proposal on the track, and they have to say yes. 10,000 hot dogs need to be sold by halftime. The gladiator bucket they pour on the long jump winner has to be green.
Starting point is 00:15:36 And finally, the crowd needs to do the wave during the seventh event stretch. None of these are about the actual races. Yeah, I was just going to say. Yeah, what about the horses? You guys, we can't fix that. This stuff we can influence, baby. I mean, I can sell 10,000 hot dogs easy.
Starting point is 00:15:55 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that's not going to matter if we don't even get a coin flip. Yeah. Is there a schedule? Is there a program? Like, we got to make sure this stuff happens. And then you hear booming over the audience. Welcome to the 424th Annual Sunny and Chariot Games.
Starting point is 00:16:12 I am your host, the powerful and magnificent wizard, Jibiani. And he does a double pits to Chesty and the crowd goes nuts. Yes! that double pits to Chesty and the crowd goes nuts. Yes! Now, in order to get these events started, we of course need to determine the home and away side by the coin flip. Oh no.
Starting point is 00:16:36 Oh God, it's happening right now. But first, a message from our sponsor. It's that time again. No, please. Please. Are you serious time again. No. No, please. Please. Are you serious? No.
Starting point is 00:16:49 Today. Why am I still doing the dance? I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop.
Starting point is 00:16:53 I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop.
Starting point is 00:16:54 I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop.
Starting point is 00:16:54 I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop.
Starting point is 00:16:54 I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop.
Starting point is 00:16:54 I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. and have an allergy while I play on these reeds. Now this one here is an absolute must.
Starting point is 00:17:08 Church your face up to the sky and scream, Ooh, I'm on a bus. Now cha-cha once. Great. Now let's try it together. Pretend you're eating some cheese, then put your hands on your knees and make it ready to scream, Ooh, I'm on a bus.
Starting point is 00:17:20 Cha-cha. I have minor illusion, which I feel like might help. You create a sound or an image of an object within range that lasts for the duration. If you create an image of an object, such as a chair, muddy footprint, or a small chest, it must be no larger than a five-foot cube. Physical interaction with the image reveals it to be an illusion because things can pass through it. So the coin flip, you know, is taking place at the direct center of the track itself. So, Beef, how many spell slots do you have for the invisibility?
Starting point is 00:17:50 Is it just one or is it two spell slots? I get two, baby. Because I think she could touch you and turn you invisible and you could go out there and do it. Yes. Great. Let's do it. I'm so excited that you get to be invisible too. Have fun doing it, okay? I'm a little nervous. No, no, don't be. It's a ball and a blast. And maybe do something kind of for yourself too when you're invisible, alright? Okay. After. After would be good.
Starting point is 00:18:17 I touch Chalice in a friendship way and she turns invisible. Wow. Chalice, you've never looked better. Sorry. No, I actually liked that one. That's one of my favorite things. Oh, yeah. I kind of like that, too. Also, I'm having, like, a real existential dread. Like, do I even exist?
Starting point is 00:18:34 Do I need to be perceived? I know what you're going through, babe. Don't follow that thread, alright? Please give a warm welcome to today's official referee. Run! Chalice, run. Are you running, Chalice? Chalice has like existential dread on her face
Starting point is 00:18:49 and is like going back and forth in serpentining because she's panicking, having never been invisible before. But nobody knows. Give me an acrobatics check for Chalice to get there in time because running and weaving through people, I would imagine, can be a little bit tough if you've never been invisible before and you can't see your feet
Starting point is 00:19:06 or any part of yourself as you're trying to hurdle things, jump over things, and move through people. 15 plus 3. Yeah, Gert. And with an 18, Chalice is bobbing and weaving through the crowd, hurdles over the security gate that separates the track from the audience
Starting point is 00:19:22 and the spectators, and you feel warm sand start to spray on your shins as you are moving closer and closer to the center, where you see a referee in robes of black and white, and he is in the middle of the track with a large coin, just like probably half the size of his palm, ready to be flipped. Chalice concentrates on large coin, just like probably half the size of his palm, ready to be flipped. Chalice concentrates on the coin, and the second it goes in the air, she casts it so it's tails on both sides.
Starting point is 00:19:53 You hear booming over the audience, The coin has been flipped! It's tails! What? Yes! Oh my god. Chalice is flashing the audience, flipping off the audience with thumbs up.
Starting point is 00:20:08 She did do something for herself. And as the referee goes to grab it, he passes through the illusion, and he does not notice as he puts it back into his robe pocket that anything was amiss. And with that, the 424th Sonny and Shariot Games is now underway. We, of course, will be starting with the first event, the sprint.
Starting point is 00:20:32 And with the sprint, of course, the rules are no maximum on horsepower. And as you see on the field, there are 10 to 12 chariots all on a starting line with horses tied to them. Some of them all the way up to 20, 30, maybe even 40 horsepower ready to do a drag race sprint of just over 200 yards. Nice work, Chalice. Wait, are you here? I feel amazing. You sound existential right now.
Starting point is 00:21:05 Yeah, isn't it nice? I'm going through it. What's next? Puppy Bowl Basset Hound? I mean, we could also start the hot dog stuff while... Yeah, I already sold five while Chalice was doing that. Wow. You sold five dogs already?
Starting point is 00:21:18 Yeah, man. Easy. They're flying off the shelves. Seb, what if you entered into the puppy bowl? I'm listening. And made sure the Basset Hound won? Oh. Would I be the Basset Hound, or would I just make sure the Basset Hound won?
Starting point is 00:21:35 Oh, yeah. I feel like it's better odds of you losing, so maybe you just be the other people. Yeah, you be another dog that's helping the Basset Hound. Because you're so good at, like, not winning and, like, being bad at sports and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, bad at sports, bad at owning a business.
Starting point is 00:21:53 No, so good at piano, so good at being a friend, so good at any job we throw at you. Today is not the day to doubt ourselves! That's right! I just flashed to everyone here and I feel so good. Seb, you can do this. But nobody saw, right?
Starting point is 00:22:08 You were invisible. Yeah, but I knew. I feel amazing. Yeah, you sound amazing right now. I'm doing so well. Considering like our predicament, you sound incredible. I don't know. I'm hoping.
Starting point is 00:22:19 Okay, I'm going to turn into a wolf. Whoa. turn into a wolf. Whoa! What an amazing finish to the sprint, the 200 yard dash. Photo finish, if I may say so myself. That doesn't
Starting point is 00:22:36 make sense in this world. Who cares? I travel between different dimensions. I know things you don't know about. Plebes. Anyways, the puppy bowl, everyone's favorite to check in with while the dangerous and sometimes horrific and gory events are taking place. We'll check in with the puppy bowl. And he zooms over and flies to a little tiny track within this giant track. And they're getting the puppy bowl ready to be run, which is a race, and it's four laps.
Starting point is 00:23:09 Is he going to stick out as a wolf? I'm a wolf puppy. It takes longer to become a puppy. And it's more painful. It's so painful. All right, I believe we have our contestants, and they're getting ready at the line. So, Seb, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:23:25 I'm going to go up. I am wearing little tiny Nike shoes. And yeah, that's it. So cute. And they're off. And you see these little puppies. They don't really know exactly which way to run. They're not really trained for this.
Starting point is 00:23:44 They're kind of just like playing with each other and moseying around. And then there's like some gentle hands guiding them and pushing on little butts to keep going. Okay. In dog, I'm going, I'm going to kill you, basset hound. You need to keep going. I've abandoned the hand and I'm going straight after trying to bite this little basset hound. So you're nipping at its little butt? Yeah. Nipping at it. Why don't you roll for intimidation? Let's see, what's my intimidation? Oh yeah, it's negative one.
Starting point is 00:24:11 Boom! Nat 20! Let's f***ing go! Oh my god. What a time. We're nearing it on all cylinders. Okay, so little baby wolf Seb got himself into this race as soon as the race started.
Starting point is 00:24:25 And he's in with the pack and kind of got lost amongst the bunch. But he found that Basset Hound pup and is nipping at it. And it's scary enough that this Basset Hound is running for its life. And the first lap, he's in the lead. Second lap, he's in the lead. Second lap, he's in the lead. Third lap with a nat 20. Everyone else is in the dust. And it looks like a race between the Basset Hound
Starting point is 00:24:50 and the Wolf Pup. I make it look like it's going to be close. And then I purposely trip because I'm a dog in human shoes. So that wasn't great. And the winner is the Basset Hound. High five. High five, guys. We're doing it.
Starting point is 00:25:06 We're really doing it. God, I understand why Jennifer gets off on these things. Oh, yeah. Just revel in it, baby. With the end of the puppy race, we can check back in with our next major event, Chariot Chicken. Two chariots race at each other at full speed, and they will crash
Starting point is 00:25:26 unless one of them chickens out. Who wins? Nobody. Unless you don't chicken out. My favorite event. Give it up, motherfuckers. Y'all, this is going swimmingly. Like, I can't believe, like, why don't we do this all season long?
Starting point is 00:25:48 Yeah, I got hit by a mail track. Yeah, that's right. Give me a perception check. Unnatural 20. And so, Beef, you've taken it in because the events are posted in a lot of different places, just painted on certain walls. You know that after Chariot Chicken is halftime. That is an issue because you also see a hot dog tally. You don't know what it is,
Starting point is 00:26:13 but you see that every time someone pays and an exchange with a hot dog, the tally goes up. So something connects it where anytime a hot dog is bought and sold from any of the vendors at the entire arena, it is magically tracked. And right now, the hot dog tally is at 9,800. Okay, okay. 200 more. Wait, Beef, how many personal hot dogs have you sold? I've sold at least 25 at this point, but that doesn't count, all right? Beef, if we can get you on that wizard's screen eating a hot dog, I can guarantee you everyone in the stadium is going to crave a hot dog.
Starting point is 00:26:53 You make eating food look like a religious experience. And I've got to tell you, it is. Okay, guys, get me up there. Chip, throw me up. Throw you? Throw you towards the wizard? That or I fly with my... No, no, no. Shut up.
Starting point is 00:27:04 Shut up, Beef. Shut up. Shut up, Beef. Shut up. Shut up. Okay. Sorry. It's just my big moment. I don't think we've done it in a long time. And I'm just kind of nervous.
Starting point is 00:27:12 I'm kind of shaking right now. Before Chip throws me, I say, Jenny, dog me. And Jennifer puts a hot dog in my hand. So excited. Chip has never been so excited in his life for almost anything. He picks up Beef like a javelin over his shoulder, football style, and he winds back and he launches beef as far as he possibly can, as close to the wizard as possible.
Starting point is 00:27:33 Give me a strength check, actually, just to see how far you can throw beef here. Okay. All right, a 15. Okay. With a 15, Chip rears back, crow hops, and throws Beef as hard as he can towards where the wizard is hovering, about 50 feet off of the ground over the arena. Beef, you reach your apex about half of the way towards this wizard. the way towards this wizard. However, you do
Starting point is 00:28:05 pull a Buzz Lightyear and your cape turns into wings right in time. Pickle, pickle, pickle! As you catch the air and you fly up right next to the wizard Jibiani himself. Hey, Jibiani, how you
Starting point is 00:28:21 doing? What the f*** is going on? I'm trying to run an event here. Yeah, and I'm trying to get satisfied. And Beef takes out his hot dog, and then he always has some condiments on him, so he takes out a little bit of ketchup and a little bit of mustard. Jibby, where's my camera? I don't just put the camera on everything I'm seeing.
Starting point is 00:28:43 It's a conscious effort to create a major image. Why should I broadcast you to 200,000 people? Honey, I'm about to make this arena a million f***ing coins. All right? When I eat this hot dog, it's going to blow people's minds. Give me a persuasion roll. Sure. I've never wanted anyone to roll higher in my life, I don't think.
Starting point is 00:29:08 15 plus 4. Oh, thank God. Well, I, of course, receive a small percentage of every hot dog sold. Yeah, you do. Unique contract. You are a charming little fellow. I am. Couldn't hurt, couldn't hurt.
Starting point is 00:29:23 We love to see the everyman at the event inn. Okay, you're up. You're up, kid, you're up. And he gives you like a five, four, three, and then the two and one are silent, and then he points to you. Beef silently looks into the camera. He raises the dog into frame.
Starting point is 00:29:36 He puts up one finger, and he wags it like, no, no, no. This is all moving in slow motion, I assume. Yes. Making sure we're all on the same page. I was hearing careless whisper by Wham. And it's just like, remember those Carl's Jr.'s commercials where those hot women were eating big burgers? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:56 How could we forget? Yeah, exactly. Is this anything like that? It's exactly like that. Do you send booty shorts all of a sudden? Yes. Beefy shorts. And then I finish the dog and I suck on each finger and then I twiddle them and I go, and that's that on that.
Starting point is 00:30:15 Wow. Why don't you give me a performance check? Oh, my God. I got a 19 plus 5, baby. Oh, a hot dog has never looked better hot dog that would be a great time to get a hot gun give me three four for me two it's just a crazy stampede towards the vendors to get hot dogs right before the halftime rush because you've created a rush beef and the rest of you are watching that counter as it goes 9 850 9, 9,868, up, up,
Starting point is 00:30:45 up, 9,900, 9,960, 10,000, and now it's blowing past 10,000. And you hear the horns go off to signal Half time at Sonny and Sherriot Games. Beef doesn't even look surprised. He's just nodding knowingly at
Starting point is 00:31:02 us. He knew it would work. And he's still eating hot dogs from his trench coat. Those are still not helping us. And performing in this year's halftime show, you know them, you love them, the Bard and the Barbecues. And you're hit with some high-impact, very fast-paced string rock.
Starting point is 00:31:24 some high impact, very fast paced string rock. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger.
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Starting point is 00:32:41 help. H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. And so now the gang is kind of reconvening during this halftime show. We're all eating hot dogs. Beef convinced us. We're all wearing sunglasses. We're smoking cigars and we have Jennifer's hats. Yeah, we all
Starting point is 00:32:59 look like Jennifer now. We get it now. We get it. I tried to tell you. This is unbelievable. I think I'm having the time of my life. No feeling like it. Okay, holy shit, the coin flip worked. Seb, that was amazing. I've never seen you run that fast as a person.
Starting point is 00:33:18 I turned back into a human. Thank you. Beef, I'm only going to eat hot dogs for the rest of my life. This is the best day we have ever had. Ever. Oh, man. I wish Alberta was here. This is so nice for her to get me to take this.
Starting point is 00:33:34 Something wrong with your hot dog, Chalice? You get a little relish in the throat? It is really cool. I mean, this day is maybe one of the best days of all of our lives. It's really thanks to Alberta. Yeah. And you guys like her, right? Yeah. I like her this day that is maybe one of the best days of all of our lives is really thanks to Alberta. Yeah. And you guys like her, right? Yeah. I like her more now. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:51 This is sick. I like that she just drops in and it feels like an occasion, you know? Yeah, when she, like, burst out of that closet that one time, and we didn't know she was in there. Yeah. Yeah, and she strangled me for a minute. That was fun. What would you say if she asked me to move in with her? What? What? What?
Starting point is 00:34:10 Oh, like you'd move up there or she would come down and move in with us. We're just maybe getting the bar back. Chip, I mean. I'm getting like inklings that she like wants to, I don't know, like commit harder. So I'm worried that she wants me to like move. Well, if you're worried. Or something. That's not a good sign. That feels fast. It's only fast
Starting point is 00:34:27 if it's not what you want, Chip. What do you want? Yeah, what do you want, buddy? I mean, I love her. And those three months that she was here when we were preparing for the lawsuit, those were incredible three months, and we were living together then, so... Beef looks at Chalice. Chalice looks at Beef.
Starting point is 00:34:44 I mean, you guys get it. You guys were living together when you guys were in that weird relationship, right? Yeah. Those were a great three months. I won't lie. Yeah. Hey, Chip. Yeah, Chalice?
Starting point is 00:34:54 I just want you to be so happy. So whatever that is. I second what Chalice says. We want you to be happy, man. And I guess that means you move all of your stuff. But I get half of your glass menageries because they have to stay and i get the other half because they have to stay yeah they have to stay yeah i trust me i wouldn't take it and you know what it might not even come up we've been crushing this long distance things for two
Starting point is 00:35:18 seasons we just celebrated our anniversary maybe we can just keep things the way that they are and she i don't know why I'm bringing this up. Like you said, we're getting the bar back. We're going to win this bet. We're going to be golden. So we're good to go. I'm sorry I brought it up. Slides an entire hot dog down my mouth. And as Chip does that, you see a chariot arc across the sky. That's a new record for the Chariot Long Jump. 423 yards. Incredible! Whoa, long jump?
Starting point is 00:35:52 Oh, the bucket. That's one of our things. You gotta get a bucket. A gladiator? So, you guys remember that gladiator, which is the thirst-quenching athletic drink they pour on the winning long jump racer, has to be green. And so, the winner is about to be announced right now. And I'm sure the team will be pouring that Gladiate bucket on them pretty soon.
Starting point is 00:36:12 Okay. Can we identify where the current Gladiate is? Like, is it on the sideline? Can we see the buckets? Yes. So everyone knows what the Gladiate bucket looks like. It's this really, like, bright orangey wood. It's this really like bright orangey wood. It's like open top for the most part,
Starting point is 00:36:27 but it's right on a bench that's on the side of the track. Each team has their own little bench where they get prepped and ready for the events. Okay, so we can see what color it is, right? If you get close to it. I mean, it is on the track. It's on the field and you guys aren't right now. With a hot dog in my throat, I turn to beef. And he doesn't have to say anything more.
Starting point is 00:36:51 Beef touches his friend in a friendship way. It's a good hug. It's like a five to ten second hug. It's nice. And he says, I love you, buddy. I love you, Beef. And then he turns him invisible. Have fun out there.
Starting point is 00:37:03 Who am I? Who am I? All right, Chip makes his way down to where he identified the Gladiate containers to be. Seb is having a conversation with what he thinks is Chip, but Chip is no longer there. Hey, Chip, just before we get into this, and I know we're kind of constrained on time, and this is really hard for me. I feel like we've grown a lot recently and you keep on asking like, you know, we used to be better friends
Starting point is 00:37:30 and stuff like that and I just want you to know you'll always be my brother and you know, relationships come in seasons and whatnot and... Go Chip! Go! Go! You're almost there! Oh, what the f***? Alright. He's gone, man. He's been gone for a while. Who am I talking to right here?
Starting point is 00:37:46 Me. Oh. That meant a lot, though. That felt really nice. Chip, you're trying to get there in a hurry, so why don't you also give me another acrobatics check to see how quickly you can bob and weave and hurdle while invisible. And that's a nat 20.
Starting point is 00:38:04 Oh. Wow. This is the a nat 20. Oh, wow. This is the craziest rolling day we've ever had. Yeah, you guys are rolling well for the finale here. Let's go, let's go, let's go. So, Chip races, and before you know it, you are near the gladiator, and you can peer in, and you see that, well, unfortunately,
Starting point is 00:38:22 the gladiator is not green. It is blue. No. Does the other team, the gladiator is not green. It is blue. No. Does the other team have green gladiator? You just need yellow. You need to pee. You need to pee. You have to pee in there. You have to pee in there. You have to piss. That's all we know how to do. I can't hear you. I know you're very far away
Starting point is 00:38:39 and I can't hear you, but I do sense what you're saying. It's the power of piss. I feel it in my bladder. I feel it in my heart. I invisibly unzip my pants. And can I use, I don't know, intelligence to try and figure out the math of the arc that I need to do? Yeah, yeah. Give me an intelligence check.
Starting point is 00:39:04 Okay. Piss math. Thank God the most dehydrated among us had to do this, because Beef is super hydrated, and his pee wouldn't have been yellow. Yeah. Oh, no. Chip does not drink water. I like to imagine that Beef has one of those gallon containers that says,
Starting point is 00:39:18 like, keep going. You're doing great, girl. I have a plus zero modifier on intelligence, but I did roll a 19. So you kind of rain man. You see numbers in the air around Chip's head as he's doing that quick calculation and you see a couple of like isosceles triangles and he's able to figure it out in his head
Starting point is 00:39:38 exactly the angle he needs to get his stream. He got for night night school. Into the gladiator. Okay. I angle myself appropriately and I let it flow. If anybody was paying attention nearby, all they would see from an invisible nothing is a stream of pee arcing into the gladiator.
Starting point is 00:39:58 Fantastic. And as Chip's stream comes to an end, it's not a moment later that the team comes and grabs that wooden orange bucket of gladiator that is now, well, we'll see, as it's poured over top of the long jump chariot winner. Not blue, not yellow, but a green gladiator pours all over it. He did it! And they're screaming, they're going nuts and then you hear like, smells like piss! But everyone else seems to be like screaming
Starting point is 00:40:33 and having a great time. And up next the event will be the freestyle race. My second favorite event. Anything goes. First chariot around the track four times wins. No other rules. No holds barred.
Starting point is 00:40:48 Give it up, motherfuckers. And everyone goes nuts. But of course, before we get to the seventh event, we need to do the seventh event stretch. And then you all know that at this point in the chariot games, this is where everyone sings the Sunny and Chariot Games song. And it's time for you to kickstart the wave. But before you can even get organized for that, there's some announcements that are still being made coming from Jibiani.
Starting point is 00:41:14 And as everyone knows, the 424th annual Sunny and Chariot Games are brought to you by our most gracious and royal hosts, Prince Milknip and King Cicero themselves. Fart. A major image shows the prince and the king sitting in their very comfy and shaded area where there's really hardly anyone around them besides some people fanning them, where everyone else, of course, is like really crowded together, like packed in like sardines everywhere else. And as Prince Milknip and King Cicero get announced, the entire, what must be 200,000 people create a chorus of boos. Prince Milknip looks absolutely thrown because he was ready to take a bow and really take it in. He is wearing it plain on his face that he is furious.
Starting point is 00:42:06 Furious. And King Cicero, it lingers on him for just a moment. And you just see the slightest hinge of fury on his otherwise stoic face. Boo! Fart! Can Chalice become un-unvisible? Because she wants to give them two big thumbs up. She hopes that maybe in some way they'll see her in the crowd flipping them off. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:42:28 And Jibiani tries to change the subject matter of the major image because he feels how this is awkward and these are very powerful people. And it looks like we have another celebrity in the audience. Former princess and woman of the people, Chalice Glass. And Chalice, you find yourself doing two big thumbs up on the Jumbotron.
Starting point is 00:42:49 And the audience, 200,000 people, scream and applaud in revelry and joy. Chalice is completely shocked. She opposite of faints. I don't know what that is. Start the wave. Start the wave. Chalice walks over to a little girl that's holding a hot dog and like a comedically large lollipop. And she kneels next to her and whispers like, do you want to do the wave? And them together on the screen, they start to do the wave. Oh, I'm going to have this be a persuasion roll to see if you can get everyone to do the wave. Come on, come on. Just one more. 12. And then I have plus five. Okay. So with a 17, Chels, what do you do
Starting point is 00:43:32 physically to try to get this to catch on? She just really puts her whole body into it. She really goes for it. Like on her face, she can phase like, let's show those two idiots what we can do as a crowd when we all band together. Love it. So she goes low, almost like touching her toes, and then straight to the sky, snaps up, a bend and snap, if you will. It catches on. It catches on. And at first, it just starts with the first lower mezzanine.
Starting point is 00:44:01 But then by the second time it comes around, it catches. And the whole arena is doing it. Except for, you notice, two people, Prince Milk Nip and King Cicero, are not standing and participating in the wedding. Still counts, though, right? It still counts. It still counts. Parlay, parlay, parlay.
Starting point is 00:44:19 Money dance. And please make some noise for Jason, who's celebrating his ninth birthday. Yeah! Yeah, Jason! Yeah, Jason! Jason! Yeah!
Starting point is 00:44:32 We love you, Jason. J-Dog. Yes! Jason beat the plague this year. Whoa! Yeah, Jason! Yeah, Jason! He's a few bucks.
Starting point is 00:44:41 And you see Jason on the field, and he's getting handed a bunch of like swag and a jersey from one of the freestyle racers. And he looks just the most joy a child can feel. And we have someone else who has a very special question for a very special someone. Wouldn't this one of our parlays? Oh, my God. We'd have to do anything. Outside of the track, someone walks out, and it's just a single person,
Starting point is 00:45:08 and Jibiani flies down to them, and as soon as they're on the major image, it becomes very clear to all of you that you're looking at Alberta. Oh. God, it's Alberta. What? Parlay.
Starting point is 00:45:22 Alberta over here. Our parlay. Is she wearing a wedding dress? God, she's never looked better. What's the question? To whom? What question to whom? You idiot.
Starting point is 00:45:33 And the wizard floats up next to Alberta and amplifies her voice so that it booms over the 200,000 people in attendance. Hello! It's me, Alberta, Toronto. Toronto wanna be my man. Hello. I have a big question to ask a big, big, strong boy. He's a man.
Starting point is 00:45:58 He's a man. He's of age. That's my girl. Chip, are you ready for this? Oh, look at that. I ripped off my beautiful bridal gown to reveal my massive titties in a tiny, tiny bikini, and I'm shaking them. Oh, I'm shaking them.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Listen to this flash mob I hired. They're singing Bruno Mars, I think I want to marry you. 30 gnomes who all look like they had different jobs, like grabbing towels and moving uniforms and moving structures. Stop what they're doing and start doing, I think I want to marry you. Dances together. I assume Chip is being ushered to the center of the field. The magnificent Jibiani has found you. Your image is now projected, and everyone sees that you're projected and is pushing you towards the field. I'm like kind of at a 45-degree angle with my heels dug into the earth,
Starting point is 00:46:58 being pushed by a bunch of gnomes. And I'm kind of looking back at my friends too, trying to be like, what is going on? What's happening to me? Yeah, Seb is choking on a hot dog. Chip actually specifically looks at Chalice. Chalice's head is down and only she can see, but she's crying so hard and so fast that it looks like it's raining just in front of her feet. Oh, that's poetic.
Starting point is 00:47:21 Beef's using Chalice's tears to wash his hands from all the sauce from the hot dogs. And I'm still choking. Nobody's doing anything. And as the music dies down, they finish the flash mob. Chip kind of comes to a halt right in front of Alberta. And the crowd is on bated breath waiting to see what anybody says next. Chip, my sexy idiot. I bet you're a little bit confused as to what's going on right now.
Starting point is 00:47:49 Yeah, I'm pretty confused. It's good to see you. It's amazing to see you, darling. And I hope to be seeing you for the rest of time. Is that a good hint as to what I'm about to do? Yes, I think I get it now. Did you see that I was wearing a bride kind of dress? What's that called?
Starting point is 00:48:07 Wedding dress? A wedding dress, yeah. Yeah, and now you're wearing a bride bikini. Yes, darling. Look upon my huge, huge titties. I'm going to get down on both knees because that's how much I love you for this. Hold on one second.
Starting point is 00:48:24 Sorry, I had to carry the ring inside my ass for this. Hold on one second. Sorry, I had to carry the ring inside my ass because it was too big to fit in my luggage. Chip Chipperson. Not my last name. I want you to know
Starting point is 00:48:38 that you are a kindred spirit to me. Mind, body, and soul. I thought my last name was Chipperson. What? Is it not? It is now. Okay. We're changing both of our last names to Chipperson.
Starting point is 00:48:54 Chipperson. Okay, here we go. Before I met you, I was floating on the wind with no home to call my own. But ever since you stuck it in my big wet hole, I knew. You hear an aww from the crowd. I knew that my life was complete. And I want you to come live with me and Niles
Starting point is 00:49:20 in my one-bedroom garden apartment with my mother and all of her gerbils. And if you deny me today, just know this. You will be denying the frigging rock hardest tits in the universe. And you'd be leaving me a broken woman. With that being said, Chip Chipperson, sexy idiot, baby boy, little stinky guy.
Starting point is 00:49:51 Stinky friggin' guy. He's so stinky, I love it. Thank you. Let me smell an armpit, let me smell it. I lift my armpit, yeah. Will you marry me? The rest of the gang holds each other's hands. Jennifer grabs Beast's hand and Chalice's hand.
Starting point is 00:50:07 He's got to do it. It's the only thing we haven't done in the parlay yet. If there isn't an engagement, we don't get the bar back. We don't get the goal. This is no longer the best day of Chalice's life. Yeah, I don't know. Chip looks down at this woman who he loves so dearly and looks back at his friends. And he knows that if he says no, they lose the bar.
Starting point is 00:50:26 But he also knows that they're the only three people that really mean anything that's worth anything to him. What was that? You're speaking your thoughts out loud. Was that an answer to me? Alberta, I love you. I love you more than I thought I could love a lot of people. Okay. I love you I love you more than I thought I could love a lot of people Okay No
Starting point is 00:50:50 I don't want to marry you But But But you will, right? Right But I hope you have a happy life and I could try and introduce you to somebody that I know. Oh, okay. Fuck off.
Starting point is 00:51:14 Are you kidding me with this? You would introduce me to someone? I know all the hottest guys in town, you worm. I know, but it's not my town, okay? And I want to stay here with my friends who I love. Who I love. Okay, well, I'm going to say that this actually sucks for me. And the audience is like, what? What's happening? I can't really tell. So then you hear Jibiani come over and he's like, so what did he say? I said no. I said no.
Starting point is 00:51:50 When they hear Chip said no, the whole audience goes, oh, oh, God. Oh, no. It's a no. But you hear one like, yeah. And it just seems so weird and out of place. Well, I would love to just say to the crowd on this loudspeaker that I'm still looking to get triple penetrated tonight if anyone is interested. And also, I will leave with class and I will leave with
Starting point is 00:52:11 grace. So Chip, I hope you never lose your sense of wonder. I hope if one door closes, you feel the thunder. And basically if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. Okay? So f*** you and I hope you dance. okay? I really do love you, and I really hope you find happiness. And I'm so, so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. You know what I just heard you say? I heard this.
Starting point is 00:52:37 Blah, blah, blah. Fart, poop. That's what I heard. You're dead to me. You're dead to me. And you guys start getting ushered off the field. The gnomes actually just kind of push you off along with other employees up the arena. Bye, Alberta. Bye. Well, we do still have the freestyle event of perhaps our most anticipated event. So let's not let that awkward situation get us down. Let's watch some racing. And the crowd kind of picks back up as you guys are shuffled into a nearby tunnel that leads off the arena.
Starting point is 00:53:12 And you have a private moment together. Do you not like the bikini? Is that what it was? I love the bikini. Thank you. I bought you that bikini, I think. Yeah, that's why I wore it. For you. I know.
Starting point is 00:53:23 I really don't know how else. Are you f***ing somebody? No. No. That's why I wore it. For you. I know. I really don't know how else. I just, I'm so. Are you f***ing somebody? No. No. Are you loving somebody? Just.
Starting point is 00:53:36 Okay, you took a while there. I'm not stupid. The first time you said, no, no. And that time you said. Who is it? My friend. It's just my friends. You know, it's like I love them, and they are the people I am currently committing to
Starting point is 00:53:48 for the rest of my life. You know what? I'm not an idiot, and I can see that you and Jennifer have a connection, so... I hope you're happy. You know what? I'll take it. And I really do hope for happiness for you.
Starting point is 00:54:04 You want to make out or something? I would a little bit. Okay, I do. I'll take it. And I really do hope for happiness for you. You want to make out or something? I would a little bit. Okay, I do. Let's do it. Oh. Do you want to marry me now? Do you want to marry me now? No, still no.
Starting point is 00:54:16 It's still a no. Really? Well, Chip, I'm embarrassed to say that you're the 15th guy to turn me down at a sports event when I propose. But I'm an independent woman and I am resilient. So I'm fine. And I hope you're fine, but not as fine as I am going to be fine. So I'm leaving you with this. I'm watching.
Starting point is 00:54:43 I'm always you with this. I'm watching. I'm always watching. Ciao. That was her walking away. Such a loud walker. Such a loud walker. As you guys come into the tunnel, you see Chip there with his head hung pretty low. And Albert is nowhere to be seen.
Starting point is 00:55:07 Chip! Hey, you dumb f***. What happened? You blew it! I messed up the parlay. I'm sorry. We had it. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:55:13 I know. Hey, leave him alone. Okay? We are trying to get this bar back to make us all happy. And if Chip was going to be miserable, then it doesn't count. And who cares? I appreciate that, Chyla. I just feel so selfish.
Starting point is 00:55:26 Like I could have said yes and then said no later or something like that. I just feel like a jerk to you, to Alberta. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Hey, man. Apology not accepted. Jenny. No, I like it.
Starting point is 00:55:42 I actually like it today. That helps. Thanks, Jennifer. And the parlay, it needed a successful engagement? An engagement. That's what I bet on. There is an option to bet on someone turning down an engagement, but I didn't do that.
Starting point is 00:55:56 I bet on an engagement. Who turns down an engagement in front of 200,000 people? Chip bursts into tears. Jennifer. Hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Also, did somebody cheer when I said no?
Starting point is 00:56:08 I kept on saying fart. I heard somebody cheer. Yeah, I heard that too. I heard that too. I did it! I did it! I saved the bar! I saved the bar, you guys! Oh my god! It's Tom! And Tom the Fool, a.k.a.
Starting point is 00:56:24 It's Tom! Tom Tom the Fool, a.k.a. Tomfoolery, rounds the corner and into the tunnel where he saw Chip get escorted off, holding a wager in his hand. I did it! I parlayed the boar with five gold pieces! I couldn't believe it, you guys. I bet that the coin flip had to be tails. The puppy bull needs to be won by the bassin hound. There has to be an engagement on the
Starting point is 00:56:46 track. Denied. That was the craziest one, but I always said never bet on love. And then 10,000 hot dogs need to be sold by halftime. The gladiate bucket they pour in the long jump winner has to be green, and the crowd needs to do the wave during the seventh inning
Starting point is 00:57:02 stretch. Are you kidding me? We did it. Yes. Tom, you old fool. I knew you would do it. How much did you win, Tom? 2,236 gold pieces. Oh, whoa.
Starting point is 00:57:16 Let's rob him. Oh, my God, you guys. I can't believe it actually worked. I promised you I would. And tears are streaming down his face. I promised you I would. You've done good down his face. I promised you I would. You've done good, kid. Let's go buy our bar back.
Starting point is 00:57:29 Huzzah! He's frozen in the air. That is cool. Yeah, that is so cool. Sean, can I do an Arcana check just to see what's going on with him? So we're actually going to time jump a little bit here. I rolled a 15. a time jump a little bit here. I rolled a 15.
Starting point is 00:57:46 So, the first thing that we see is the sign above Bottoms Up that says Bottoms Up on it squared into place above the bar. We push inside of Bottoms Up and we see Beef
Starting point is 00:58:03 putting bottles back up behind the bar. Most of them are definitely pissed. We see Seb doing some sweeping and some happy sighing as he looks around the place. Chip feeling a banister, making sure that, yeah, this is the Bottoms Up and it's actually feeling like the Bottoms Up that I remember. I break it a little bit. That's what I remember. Jennifer is in the kitchen cooking up a big pot of orange,
Starting point is 00:58:28 and you can smell it in the air. You can't even tell if it's ripe fruit or rotten vegetable, but it's somewhere in between. Things are definitely back to the way they should be at Bottoms Up. Chalice is straightening out the comment box behind the bar until it's just right. And then she goes, uh, hey, Chip, can I talk to you for just one second outside? Yeah, Chip lifts his head and, like, wipes a tear.
Starting point is 00:58:54 Yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, my God. We're back. We're back. I can't believe we did it. Can you believe this? This is crazy. Tom.
Starting point is 00:59:04 Tom. He did it. Yes you believe this? It's crazy. Tom! Tom! He did it. Yes? Oh, nothing. Did someone say something? No, we love you, pal. We're getting ready for our opening soon, so look alive! Is he our boss now? Sorry. Yeah, I feel like we might owe him something, but
Starting point is 00:59:19 I just wanted to say, like, two things to you. Yeah. One, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. Oh. For saying no in front of all those people. I think that you took really good care of yourself. And I'm just glad that you're doing that. I'm proud of you for taking care of you.
Starting point is 00:59:37 Thanks. And the other thing I wanted to say was I like you. And I probably could have waited a couple weeks. But every time I wait with this and every time... I don't want you to wait. What? Chaz, were there other reasons I said no? Maybe, but you're the reason I said no.
Starting point is 01:00:00 Okay. Cool. I like you too. Cool. I like you too. Cool. We like each other. That's so cool. It's interesting. Yeah. It's really fun. Great. Yes. Do you want to kiss me? I do want to kiss you.
Starting point is 01:00:23 Do you want to kiss me? Huh. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, let's, yeah. Let's. Chip closes his eyes and starts to lean forward towards Chalice. Chalice does the same.
Starting point is 01:00:41 Your senses are on fire as you're about to kiss each other. Chalice. Chalice does the same. Your senses are on fire as you're about to kiss each other, and your eyes are closed, and you are just waiting to feel the other person's lips on your lips. Give me, both of you, a perception check with disadvantage. What?
Starting point is 01:00:57 Since your eyes are closed. Five. Oh, God. Two. Chip, the moment passes where you feel like, oh, I thought I would be kissing Chalice by now. Then a full other moment passes and you go, there's no way I've leaned forward so far.
Starting point is 01:01:14 She should be there. And you open your eyes and Chalice, you didn't see this coming, but Chip, what you see is a bag has been placed over Chalice's head and she is being taken. By two large men in gold-plated armor, which you immediately recognize as the armor worn only by the royal patrolmen of the castle of Frasier. And they're moving Chalice away quickly. Chip!
Starting point is 01:01:37 Help! Chip! Chip! Help! And everything goes black for you, Chip, as you feel something bludgeon the back of your head. And in case you need a refresher on who the hell Tom Foolery is, here's a little clip from episode two earlier this season.
Starting point is 01:02:02 You got to leave or give us 2,000 gold pieces. One of the two. I'll find a way. Scott, you Tom, you foolery. Go. Go on. We don't want you anymore. Didn't you see? Go.
Starting point is 01:02:13 No. Just go. I'll get the gold. And he wipes tears from his face and starts running. I love that guy. This is the hardest day. I hope Tom saves us. I love that guy.
Starting point is 01:02:23 This is the hardest day. I hope Tom saves us. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parr wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Whoa! It's another end of a season. Can you believe it? Because I cannot. This is wild. Thank you everyone so much for listening. end of the season. Can you believe it? Because I cannot. This is wild. Thank you everyone so much for listening. It means the world. We've been having a blast recording this.
Starting point is 01:02:51 A lot has happened personally for the cast this season. Two of our cast members had babies, Waleed and Ben. And man, this was really a wild one. Thank you again for listening. And I know what you're thinking, though. How the heck am I going to go four whole weeks without a sitcom D&D episode before season four starts? Well, I have good news for you, y'all. We have got a Patreon and there has never been a better time to join because the support from our patrons.
Starting point is 01:03:22 It's what makes the show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 70 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats, this week's episode is Summer Solstice Bash, where Beef, Seb, and Chip go to a very special and real party.
Starting point is 01:03:51 The party is real and not something else. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D and D.
Starting point is 01:04:08 This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to this show, and see new character drawings done by our very own Waleed Mansour. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next season, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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