SitcomD&D - S3 E3: Breaking Beef

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

After receiving some terrible medical news, Beef decides to take matters into his own hands.  In order to buy back Bottom’s Up he will have to dive into the dark and violent underbelly of Frasier. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Story Concept by Elizabeth Andrews,  Erin Keif, & Sean Coyle Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I have this beautiful vision where we have a Patreon episode where it's just, Lee, it's me, you, and our babies, and we talk about how and what they are going to do as friends and stuff like that, and we try to get them to know each other and stuff like that. Oh, my gosh. a baby debrief. Yeah.

Yes. There'll be lots of cooing and whining. And then babies will be there too. I was just going to say that. It's you and me versus the world. Oh my God. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, we're picking up inside Chucky Buster's as the gang approaches the end of their first day of work in their new positions. Which means Chip is on the games. He's the games operator. first day of work in their new positions. Which means Chip is on the games. He's the games operator. Chalice is dishing out baked cheese and dough, wiping the sweat from her brow, getting after it.

Seb is a trash person. Jennifer is working the ticket counter, and she's exchanging tickets for prizes and keeping everything afloat. But Beef, your day manager, is strangely nowhere to be found, which is very inconvenient because a kid who's celebrating their ninth birthday has just started sobbing crying in the middle of the restaurant. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set sound speeding and we're rolling

when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice chip and beef at the bottoms up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Why are you crying? What? Why are you crying? I lost all my tokens. I used them all.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have been so bad at the game. Sorry. You got to follow the rules, okay? This kid was trying to cheat. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? I'm the game's master. Why are they yelling at me?

You were trying to cheat. Why were you trying to? And then Chalice falls asleep standing up because she's actually never worked at all in her life before today. I wish I didn't have my birthday at Chucky Buster's. I wish you didn't have your birthday at Chucky Buster's I wish you didn't have your birthday at Chucky Busters. We all are on the same page here. Where's Beef? Shouldn't he be handling it?

Yeah, where's the day manager, huh? Why don't you guys roll for perception? Two. One. 17. Chip and Chalice, you have no idea what's going on. Seb, you hear a commotion outside. When you look out, you see that

there is a huge crowd now gathered in the street just outside of Bottoms Up with a makeshift stage a la a street festival and a big banner that reads A Benefit Bash

by Beef hastily painted on that banner what the hell is going out all right we got a turd in the ballpen we're gonna be closing for two hours everybody out everybody out everybody out worst birthday ever oh i it only gets worse but try growing up oh there's a festival happening. That's kind of fun. Thank God. His parents are so relieved. What is going on out here?

It appears to be some sort of benefit concert for Beef. I think we should investigate. We go outside. Chip, Seb, Chalice, you see Beef waiting in the wing about to take the stage at this street festival. Beef. Psst. Beef. What the heck is this shenanigans?

Well, you guys, I felt pretty bad. I slept on it and I thought to myself, you know, I made this oopsie poopsie. I made the oopsie poopsie. What are you talking about? Well, I spent all of our money. I spent it at the wedding, but i also forgot to tell you guys i spent it on so many other things that absolutely egregious what yeah yep all these rings on my hands each oh my god yeah the rings yep i was dipping into the cash i was dipping into everything i sell the rings i'm saying no no no but i got the next best thing guys i'm just gonna go do daddy beef style i'm gonna go

up do a concert what a bing bada bam i'm gonna pass around a jar church style, steal all the, get all the money from everybody. Church style. Church style. Catholic church style. We all know that. Right, guys? Stealing money. Yes, we're all on the same page.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And we'll get the 2,000 coins, no problemo, after today. And then bada bing, bada bam, we're back in business. Bottoms up is saved. Beef, this is genius. I don't know why we didn't think of this. Of course, we'll just earn the money the same way we did last time, having you sing and dance and be hilarious.

Yeah, this is the best idea since we... This is our best idea. This is our best idea, yeah our best idea yeah no you actually of course you can't think of it because this is honestly the only idea i've ever had in my entire life and i am so sure of it that it's going to work that i'm going to do it blindfolded and beef puts on a blindfold oh why no you don't know and you hear from the audience you hear a chant start it starts softer and then it gets louder and louder and gains in momentum beef beef beef beef beef looks like the crowd wants the soak zone to soak it up i'll be right

back guys make it rain. And he moonwalks up the stairs, but it's awkward. And it's bad. Because he's blindfolded. But he makes it up there. Hey, everybody! How we feeling today's midday? Wet!

That's right! You're all wet, and you're gonna be wetter after this So who's ready? We are Please douse me Douse me daddy Hit it boys

He grabs his lute Opens his mouth But real quick as Beef Goes to sing his first note And project out to the entire audience, it gets caught right in his throat and can't move past his lips. Beef, sing. Beef, sing.

Beef, is this some sort of experimental? Beef, you have to sing. Beef, sing. Beef, is this some sort of experimental? Beef, you have to sing. Scoop, scoop. I don't know. Scoop. Scoop what? Is this from his new album? Chalice is going to rush up, and can I roll for something?

Investigation? Yeah, I'll roll for investigation. Okay. 18. Investigation. Yeah, I'll roll for investigation. Okay. 18.

Chalice, as you get on stage, you see Beef, his eyes going bloodshot from the strain that he's putting on. And you can tell that he is unable to sing. And that's pretty clear to everyone in this moment. But you can tell that there's something medically or magically going wrong here. Chalice scoops Beef up in her arms and then goes, is there a doctor? Is there a doctor in the crowd? Not so loud.

Not so loud, Chalice. There certainly is. Oh, Chalice. Me. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I just wanted one season. Just one season. No, not him. Not him.

Beef is going to be right back to sing So Nice in just one second. That was sort of a joke that he'll explain later. Okay, because you said it was a joke and it wasn't, can you roll for deception, Chalice? God. Oh, 20. Okay. Now, all of a sudden,

they feel like they were a little bit behind the ball in the joke. There's like a laugh that kind of passes over the entire audience. Oh, we get it. We're smart. It was a joke, of course. Oh, he'll be back. And then they all clap. They all clap as you exit the stage and go now behind the stage where Dr. Pibb is already

waiting for y'all. All right. Let me take a look at what's going on here with my bud beef. I don't know what's happening to me, Doc. Doc, I don't know. Every time I try to sing, it just... Oh, wow. Open your mouth.

Let me take a peek down your throat here. Oh, my goodness. Wow. What is it, Doc? What is it? Oh. Oh my goodness. Wow. Uh-oh. What is it, Doc? What is it? Oh. Um, I just looked down your throat and, um, I don't know how to say this, but it looks

like you might have, uh, well, you certainly have throat scallops. No, no, no, no. Yeah. What is that? no, no, no. Yeah. What is that? Um, the long and short of it is, um,

basically, well, it looks exactly like what you think it would look like. And throat scallops, well, what they mean is that you're never gonna sing again, Beef. What? It's hard because a lot of times, these throat scallops, they gravitate towards, well, the tenderest, most juicy, most talented of the throats and vocal cords.

And then it's a rare case where it got beef this time? I don't know what else to tell you, Beef, except for I'm sorry. You take that back! You take that back! This angel was born to sing! It's his whole life! What'd you do to him? What'd you do to him? I released him from your spell. I didn't do anything and I gosh, I wish that I could do

something, but there's no cure, Beef. There's no cure. You have, um, a spot of mustard on your shirt. Oh, I do? Oh, he actually has a spot of mustard on his shirt. Beef's not even trying to sort of do that sweep up.

Hit his nose. No, hit his nose. Beef, hit his nose. Beef, punch him in the face. Beef, punch him. Hi. I'm late for an appointment. And he runs, and he runs through the crowd.

Beef! Beef! No! Drink some of this soda! Beef! No. No. And he's running through the, weaving through people and he's pushing, pushing by everyone. No. No.

Who am I? Where am I? What's happening to me? Does Beef know where Beef is going or just running like in a, just running in a direction just away? Yeah. Beef is fully has like is fully in shock mode. He has no idea.

He's just running with his arms kind of flailing up near him, and if anyone gets kind of near him but also further away, he'll run up to them and push them out of his way. He's like, something's really wrong with me. Something's really wrong. He's like, something's really wrong with me. Something's really wrong. Beef, why don't you roll a D8 to see for how many hours you're just moving

before you finally come to a stop. A D8. No singing. No, I'm already... I can't do it. Well, eight. You rolled an eight? Yeah.

Wow. Beef is on the move for eight long hours until he doesn't even... Can't even really recall the journey that he's taken to get out of here. It's been so out of his head. But when Beef finally collapses and comes to,

his hands feel sand. Because Beef has actually moved in one direction for so long that he's made it all the way out into the Prickett Desert. And the Prickett Desert, you know you're there because when you look around you, you see cactuses the size of sequoia trees, the size of modern skyscrapers, looming in the distance. Don't look at me. I'm hideous. No one is looking at you,

and no one is around. Beef, who are you? He's like looking down into the sand like you would look into a puddle like Zoolander. Who are you if you can't sing? You're stupid. You're stupid. You're not going to get the money back. Your friends are going to hate you.

No one's going to like you if you can't sing. Who are you? And he slips up into the sky and he puts his fists up towards the sky. Who am I? And there's a crack of lightning. And with that lightning,

there's also an intense tonal shift. Things get tinted a little darker, and Beef's vision goes from a nice big square into a thinned-out rectangle, almost like it gets focused into widescreen. Beef, what you see in the desert, just a little ways off, looks to be a carriage, which now that you've been moving for about eight hours, you're thinking, well, I got to get

somewhere to stay because you're pretty tired, you're pretty hungry, and you're pretty parched. Yeah. So the only thing that you see at all in your surroundings is a carriage. Should I do a perception check to make sure it's safe? Sure. 14. With a 14, as you approach the carriage, you can see that there are no horses attached to it. So it looks like an abandoned carriage. And it looks like it's been abandoned for quite some time. But something about the situation and the surroundings and some footprints in the sand make you think that

it can't be completely abandoned because it looks like there was some activity here and then not so distant past. I forgot to mention that in the eight hours beef has taken his pants off and fashioned it around his head because he's lost so his pants are wrapped around his head and he's wearing um whitey tighties underneath. And he's crawling up to the carriage. Knock, knock. I need some water.

Water. So there is no response. I'd like to go inside. Is it possible? Is the door unlocked or a window open? I'd like to go see if there's water inside. And a snack. When you go to try the door, you find that it actually just kind of pushes open.

But you see that the lock has been busted off the door. And there is some scattered wood fragments that used to be the lock inside the carriage. And as you look at those wooden fragments of the previous lock, you trace them to a body. There's a dead body lying on the floor of this abandoned carriage. Hey, just looking for some water here.

And he like kind of just, he tries to like step over the body to get to a glass of water. Be funny, roll for perception. 16. As you are lifting that bucket of water to your lips and you're almost subconsciously just, you know, bringing in as much water into your lips and you're almost subconsciously just bringing in as much water

into your body as you can, you start to get your bearings on this room. And the first thing you're focused on is this body. And you see that it is in fact a dead body wearing a name tag that reads Gregory Green. And as you look about the carriage, you suddenly realize that there are tons of beakers and mysterious liquids, flasks, and cauldrons. And there's actually a small, even active flame still happening under one of these beakers right now. What the... And as you take notice of that,

you hear from outside, Hey, what's going on in there? Oh, occupied. I mean, no one's home. I mean, somebody's dead in here. I mean, not me. Oh, a funny guy. Why did you come on out here?

Beef, scared, opens the door. And Beef, as you exit the abandoned carriage, you see Zach goes, but his friends call him Silly Peter. He wears a golf polo, pleated slacks, a braided leather belt, has a goatee, is approximately 5'11", and really body type would just be a typical dad bod.

He has a fanny pack that appears quite full and honestly looks like a straight edge human dad that probably sells insurance or something like that. Well, we got ourselves a little new guy, a little newbie, the novice. Hey, hey. And I give you kind of like soft little punch on the shoulder and i'm sorry i uh do i know you

funny guy well let's just say you know a few of my friends and i open up a briefcase and it's filled to the brim with all sorts of gold and like money and stuff like that whoa you probably already know the deal but here's how this works i'll give you half now and then when you deliver the rest of the stuff tonight in vice canyon no later than midnight you get the rest of the cheddar cheese how's that sound huh pinch your cheek i'm sorry i i think you might have the wrong guy there's a guy in there and he he might maybe know what's going on i i'm just my pants are my hat oh golly well i i i i can see your pants are your hat well i really hope you the right guy, because if you're the wrong person, then forcefully push the briefcase into Beef's hand.

Because if not, you just stole a lot of money from me. And I'm going to have to bury you six feet deep because, oh gosh, silly Peter hates a thief. And he hates a liar. No, I'm your guy. I'm your guy, I guess. Yeah, I'm your guy. Yep. Good, good I guess. I'm your guy. Yep. Good. Good, good, good. You want to hear a joke? Good, good. Polar Bear

walks into a bar. Bartender says, what are you drinking? And he goes, I'll have a... Ice tea? No, don't interrupt me or I will kill you. Rum and Coke. Bartender says, why the long pause?

In the bar, er, in the polar... You know what? You kind of ruined up my timing. It's not... Now it's not funny. Ooh, I... Come on, boss. We should get going.

We're running late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. That's right. That's right. You better have the shipment to me by midnight or you're... Well, you're going to be pushing up daisies. All right, kiddo. And I give you a slightly more forceful punch into the same shoulder as I did before.

It's like not as friendly this time, though. And just as quickly as they came, they're gone. and just as quickly as they came they're gone leaving beef stunned with his pants as a hat in the middle of the desert beefy beef beef what'd you get yourself into what is this what okay well i could well i have this money i could i could go bring it back to the gang no no i can't do that i can't do that because then this guy's going to find me. He's going to whack me off. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, Vice Canyon, Vice Canyon.

And he looks up at the sun. Ow. Hey, boss, they messed up your coffee I think Mostly cream I can go back if you want me to Oh, what the hell? Beef, you see a new character Enter this abandoned carriage Clearly not expecting to see you there

And Erin, do you want to describe What this character looks like? Yes, this is Jumpy Blumen. He is short, guarded, and has neon blue eyes. It looks like he hasn't had a decent meal or a shave in three weeks. He is covered in tattoos from a former life where he was a drummer from the band

The Bard and the Barbecues. But that was a lifetime ago. He is on a bright yellow cape that is worn down and covered from the dust of the desert. His tough exterior is a flimsy front for his terrified interior. Whoa, what'd you do to Mr. Green? Me? What'd you do to him?

I found him like this. And Jumpy grabs a stick and starts, like, protecting himself with it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I am here on business. Who are you working for? No pleasure. Who sent you to kill him?

Nobody. Can you believe it? Yo. Are you f***ing kidding me? I'm not f***ing kidding you. Oh, man, this is some f***ed up s***. No, it's not f***ed up s***. No, no, no, no.

And can I go, like, I'm about to start to come at Beef. Yeah, are you actually attacking or? No, I'm just like sort of, I'm threatening an attack. Oh, man. Oh, boy. I'm terrified, but also a little turned on by these neon blue eyes. Oh. Yeah, I get that a lot.

Oh, did I say that out loud? I thought I was thinking it. Damn it. Oh, my God. I swear I come in peace. I found him like this. I've been running around- Who are you? What's your name? Beef. Just Beef. I swear. Whoa, are you like the singer?

Once was. Mr. Green here, he was my band teacher in high school, if you can believe it. A bird was with us in the van and played all your songs. You're beef? You're really beef? Yeah, kid. And he turns and he kind of looks out the window of the wagon. I once was beef. But now, I don't know who I am anymore.

If I can't sing. I got scallops in my throat. Are you messing with me? You weren't sent here to kill him and kill us because of all the not drugs in case you haven't noticed yet? No, no. Beef doesn't even, isn't really no, no, no.

I was wandering around in this desert for hours, I don't know, days it could be and I put my pants as my hat and my undies are my undies. And it's just, it's a mess. And I'm a mess. You don't have any weapons on you? Just the loot and the toot, if you call that a weapon.

All right, put them down on the ground. Okay, well, the toot is locked and loaded. Should I release it? No, no no not in here not in here okay whoa what's in the briefcase finders keepers i mean just kidding uh man is there gold in there yeah this guy came by named silly pete or something and he gave it to me and he said he was gonna kill me and i have to go to Vice Canyon by tonight or something like that. Mr. Green never would have done this.

We don't take money from the... Are you kidding? Did you say you weren't home? Where were you, man, getting cream for your boss? I was the only one here to receive. He's going to kill us, man. We are a much smaller operation. We don't cross over to the turf to go that far.

Operation? What the hell are you running here? Shit just got real, man. We got to go. We have to do it. You know what? You have no other choice. I'll kill you if you leave me to do this by myself.

Dang, everyone's throwing that out there. Like, it's just easy peasy. I'll just kill you, man. Jesus. I will. I will just kill you, man. Jesus. I will. I will. Are you kidding? I believe you.

I'm about to show you how serious this is. Look around you. What do you smell? What do you see? We're dealing bazinga out of here, man. That's what the shipment's for. Holy. You just got up and folded into the worst crime in Frasier.

If he doesn't whack you off, all the people involved in this are coming for you, too. Now, how many people are we talking? A million. Oh, my God. Jumpy. So with that, Jumpy opens a chest that was slid under kind of like a secret compartment in the carriage.

And in it, you see thousands of little bricks of black, metallic-looking chewing gum organized in tight rows and packed inside the chest. Beef, you've heard of Bazinga before.

Yeah. It's a street drug that you know is illegal, dangerous, and highly addictive. That's a lot of bazinga. Yeah, and this shit is worth more than your life. Beef's just gonna, without anything thinking at all, he just reaches down and he pops one in his mouth. No!

And so here's what happens when someone takes Bazinga. Effectively, you'll experience the spell Haste, so your speed is doubled, you'll get a plus two bonus to your AC, you'll have advantage on all dexterity saving throws, and you gain an additional action

on each of your turns if you're in combat however that's not all that's going on here beef i'm gonna have you roll a d100 to see what side effects you experience from bazinga also just want to give a special shout out to chad ryness a good friend and a friend of the pod who's an amazing dm who came up with the way this drug works in our world, which is haste and then a side effect of a wild magic surge. So shout out, Chad. Thank you. We love you. Love you,

Chad. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. It's not his birthday anytime soon, but just in case he's listening to this around his birthday. I got a 53. Beef roll. 5D6. Oh, God.

Four. One. So we're at five. Two. Seven. Five. Last one. Three.

Beef is immune to being intoxicated by alcohol for the next 15 days. Whoa. Whoa. What? Well, he can't drink at work. He can't get drunk for 15 days. He can't get drunk?

Off alcohol. Nope. That's actually kind of a curse for beef. I know. This seems like a curse. Especially right now in this situation. What the hell, Mr. Beef? Do you know how wrong that could have gone?

Do you know how expensive that piece is? Well, I mean, I've heard of Bazinga, but I've never seen it. I thought I would try everything once, you know what I'm saying? Jumpy grabs his collar and pushes him up against the wall. Whoa! You listen to me. You have to get serious. I wasn't running this on my own, you know? I had help. He was not a great mentor, but he was my mentor, and I need you to step up, okay?

Stop getting high. Get your s*** together. And Jumpy throws him on the ground. Oh. Sorry about that. I'm sorry? Oh, wow. All right, Mr. Beef, let's go. And Jumpy ties the horse that's been beside the carriage to the carriage and starts to take off. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you?

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You're mad. You want to talk about it? No, I'm just really grateful that I Spy stopped. Mr. Beef, I swear I couldn't do another minute of that. But the gang loves I Spy. It's a cult classic. I'm actually begging you to never

bring up the gang to me again. I don't care who you were before. You're here now, and this is now, and this is what's going on. Okay, okay. I'm not talking about who I used to be and the dreams I used to have. Or the girls of mine that have choked before we went to New Zealand. I don't remember anything from the show. Whoa, man.

That sounds heavy. If you get pretty scared because you do spy something and you don't know how you're going to convey this information without getting in trouble. Yeah, so I've had shit happen to me, man, and I'm not bringing it up. I'm talking about my old friends who are dead and gone. I see. Don't you dare it's bad

spy anything with your little eye my little eye see something pretty bad up ahead i'm not playing respect my boundaries bitch no jumpy i'm Look. Up ahead on the road is another carriage, but one of the wheels, one of the wooden wagon wheels, seems to be off, and the person who presumably it's their carriage is waving you down, asking for help. Appearing large and formidable, and standing at seven foot three inches,

one might be led to believe that he is one dangerous and nasty fella and you'd be right you piece of he's huge and he's got a horrifying grin that shows more teeth than a being should ever have he wears a blue raincoat and a red rain hat and carries an adorable little suitcase yes he looks like a giant menacing Paddington that'll eat the f***ing face off your skull. That's right. This is Paddington the bugbear. Paddington?

Paddington. Oh, I love this. It looks like he needs help. No, man. In Prick of Desert, everything's a trap. We just gotta keep our eyes forward and stop spying things with our little eyes. I'm sorry, man,

but it looks like he really is in trouble. I think we should pull over. All right, when this goes south, it's your fault. My funeral is what you should have said. Better sense. And he hops off. Excuse me, sir. You seem to be in some trouble.

How can we help? Yeah, I could use your help. What you driving there? Oh, it's just my buddy's carriage. Oh, yeah, your buddy, eh? Yeah, yeah. Let me, it looks like you're missing a wheel here. You just got to put this wheel back on.

Hey, how about you not worry about my wheel? Okay. You literally just asked for help? Oh, my God. What you doing over here? Driving through. Where are you headed tonight oh um well me and my buddy were going to vice canyon got a couple of drop off there and an important

drop dropping off actually i'm not really sure what i'm doing i'm just kind of along for the ride but oh playing dumb is that right or are you just a dumb person? Oh, my God. Well, this interaction has become quite rude. I don't know if I want to help you anymore. That's all right. I don't need your help. Actually, I'll help you. What?

And I pull out a knife and I put it to his throat. That's not a knife. This is a knife. This is a knife. This is a knife. Oh, shit. It's Pladdington. And Jumpy's now just recognizing him. Hey, Jumpy, get over here, too.

Shoot. And Jumpy's, like, trying to grab for a weapon. You know you're not supposed to be in my space. All right, this is my territory. This is all just a big misunderstanding. Tell him, please. Oh, is it? Accidentally drove right through my territory. That's an accident. Oopsie poopsie.

I spy with my little eye a past relationship here. Yeah, he's tried to kill me like a hundred times. He killed my boss like, I'm sure, earlier today. Oh, no, I killed him. And you replaced him with this guy? No, I didn't get to actually take applications,

idiot. You're running with this guy and I, I didn't get to actually take applications, idiot. You're running with this guy and I'm the idiot, sure. Yeah. Just this once and then we'll be out of your hair. I'll never come back here again. I promise. You're not gonna come back here and neither is this guy. And I stab beef.

Roll an attack. A nat 20. Oh. Yes! That guy's on point. Whose side are you on? roll an attack a nat 20 oh yes that guy's on who's side are you on I'm just having a good time how much damage does that do 12 damage whoa

cause it's double damage beef what do you do besides take 12 damage well I can pray to god for the first time in my life um i actually stabs me which really hurt um i'm gonna do one of my spells i'd like to do um hideous laughter okay the target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or fall prone, becoming incapacitated and unable to stand up for the duration. Do you know what the difficulty check is?

Well, I botch. You botch? Yeah, I botch. No matter. Platington botches. So it's successful. So Elizabeth, do you want to describe what happens to Platington? When he stabs me and I look up at him, I go,

well, at least I don't look like a big teddy bear in a big coat and hat. And through the power of magic. Yeah, through the power of magic. That lands. It lands so hard. yeah through the power of magic that lands it lands so hard he that um plattington is looking down at him and he cracks a smile

he's like never like genuinely smiled and he cracks a smile and then he starts kind of like laughing a little bit and then it just turns into a lot but he's pissed jumpy starts uh laughing too because he feels like he got left out of a joke he's like no jumpy we gotta get out of here oh okay uh all right quick man you you're bleeding

yeah no i I got this. I've done this before on the road. Just get back on the wagon. Gotten stabbed? Yeah, man. This is real life. Haven't you? And right before we jump up onto the carriage,

Beef, as Plattington is doubled over in laughter, Beef yoinks his hat from his head. And then Beef says, now you don't make any sense. And he jumps up onto the carriage. Jumpy, like, what is it called when you go like, yeah, the horse, and they take off. As they pull out into the distance,

Paddington is left in the dust. I'll make you pay! I'll make you pay! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! So it is now 9pm as you pull into Vice Canyon. The stars are

illuminating the desert sky, but they're a little bit harder to see because of the light pollution that comes out of vice canyon at first you don't see anything as the carriage pulls up because as we know canyons go into the ground there's nothing to look at when you're far away but as you pull up to the edge of the canyon light is pouring out and upward into the night sky as you gaze down you see a bunch of magical lights emanating out of hundreds of different holes that seem to be dug out of the sides of the canyon cool you see a system of pulleys and carts and carriages where uh people are being dropped off at different places and caverns throughout this system and it is alive and it has a very seedy very dangerous very exciting energy to it and as you're peering down, you hear a metallic clunk,

and you see that one of these pulley cages opens its metal door and is now taking more passengers. Oh, what do you say, Jumpy? You know where you're going? Yeah, you got to lay low, man. You're bleeding out. Oh, no, this is fine. I'm just gonna put my underwear over it. There we go. It looked like it hurt. You snapped the band.

Yeah, it kinda hurt a bit, but it'll be fine. I haven't been back here since I was just a kid, basically. Yeah, you never told me. What was your dream? I wanted to be on stage, getting applause from a crowd that loved me. You and me both. Maybe we're two pods of a pea more than we think. No, it doesn't.

Nothing. It doesn't matter. Focus on the job. I think I spy a friendship up ruin. No, no. Eyes ahead, no spying things, quiet. Just keep an eye out. And before you know it, another clunk,

and the doors open again into a magically lit and vibrant, almost like neon colors flashing cavern. And off of this, which is just one of the many hundreds of caverns that come off the chasm, as you walk that path down that cavern, you see this actually branches into more shops and openings and taverns. But Jumpy is confidently moving past all the people

who are either too inebriated or too distracted to see that you two are on a mission. Beef definitely, as he walks through all these people, is picking up every alcoholic drink he sees and pounding it the whole time. And Jumpy keeps slapping away his hand because Beef keeps trying to hold Jumpy's hand. All right, Mr. Beef, just be cool,

shut up, and let me do the talking. Do you have the briefcase? Yeah, right here, right here. God, you should have changed. We should have figured out an outfit for you before we came here. Just want to describe how Beef looks right now is that I think you got to take a second

because I think it's insane. His pants are still his hat, but on top of that is a hat, the Plattington hat. And his whitey tighties are fully soaked in red blood. What an image. And he's ready to go. He's still wearing his classic vest

and the V up top and the bottom don't worry oh we know Jumpy lifts his hand up to the door and does the friend's knock on the door and immediately the door swings open

and two of Zach Ghost's henchmen silently escort you deeper into his lair. What are you doing in this moment, Zach? Well, I'm unzipping my freaking fanny pack. I'm fishing out some Burt's Bees chapstick. I'm applying said chapstick, putting it swiftly back, giving the fanny pack a nice little tap. And then I'm reaching back into the fanny pack

and getting some trail mix out. I'm just going to town on the cashews and ain't even looking at the dang raisins, okay? That's for freaking rabbits. Hey, man. Do you have my freaking bazinga, huh?

You're the guy from before. Of course, yeah, here. Right here in this brief Yeah, right here. Right here in this briefcase. Right up there. And he plops the briefcase on the desk. Oh, I open up the briefcase. I slam a Bowie knife down into it.

And then I lick off the top and I go, Mmm, mmm. Yeah, that's genuine. Yep, that'll do it. All right, man, we'll just take our money and go. We don't want to be in your hair too long. Ooh, sorry. We're kind of running a consignment operation for newbies.

So I'll take this. I'll sell it. And next time, I'll get you on the flippity flip. You know what I mean? Hey, man, no. No, beef, whatever. Let's just go. We'll gamble down the canyon. You know what I mean? Hey, man, no. No, Beef, whatever. Let's just go. We'll gamble down the canyon. I don't want to die today, man.

Yeah, you don't want to die today. The security grabs both of your arms. But a deal is a deal. Here's the deal. You ain't getting paid, alright? So I'll ask you. You want to hear a joke? Not the time for it, but sure.

Jumpy's like grabbing Beef's arm and trying to pull him out. I'll be the one to tell you. What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? A guy that's lost? I don't know. No, it's a fish. It's sophisticated. There's no joy in this right now come on man no no i'm upset i'm mad we could we went through the whole desert for hours for so long to give you this bazinga and you said you were gonna give us some money and you know what you going to give us some money. And you know what? You're going to give it to us.

I know you are because you're a good guy. You're a great guy. Well, thank you. A guy that knows what honor is and what respect does. You tell that to my frickin 14 year old screamed at me and called me a mother. The other night, I mean, it's just like, you know what? Those teens, those teens. I don't know.

I think they're just watching the wrong stuff. They're hearing all these crazy musics, like, I want to hump that. Jumpy is getting jumpy. Beef's hands are on his hips. Both hands are on their hips talking to each other. Oh, man. Why do you look like two dads at a soccer game?

This is horrible. Come on, Beef. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I got a deal for you, Mr. Ghost. Okay. Mr. Zach Ghost. That's my name. I bet.

I could drink you under the table, man. All righty then. Well, I've been able to put a a couple of diesels down all right some heavy beer so uh yeah i think we got ourselves a little bit of a deal beef wager something on this oh yeah thanks jumpy uh wow no nothing for this we're just having a friendly contest i wager our earnings contest i wager our earnings plus this cool pen that's on your desk if i beat you in this drinking competition then you have to give us all the money back that's a mont blanc but uh okay all right because i'm confident gosh darn it and you know what like the calendar your days are numbered bud all right you get that one now let's drink Like the calendar? Your days are numbered, bud. All right?

You get that one? Now let's drink. We see a bunch of empty glasses and cups strewn about the floor all around leading up to a table where Beef is sitting across from Zach Ghost. And Zach looks pretty worse for wear right now. His eyes are kind of finding it hard to focus on things around the room. And Beef looks cool as a cucumber. And you know

what? You don't call me Mr. Ghost. We're freaking buddies. Yeah, why do you want me to call you any handsome another beer? Oh, hello. Who's this cute little number over don't know she's saucy kidding i'm joking i'm happily married listen man you're you're you're really funny you are funny oh i spelled oh that's hilarious your teams they don't know they. Your teams, they don't get you. They don't get how funny you are.

They don't fucking get it. And they don't know how to... Whatever happened to music in this country? You know what? Call me Silly Peter. You're my friend. You call me beef. You're my friend.

I love it. That's so easy to remember. It's literally my favorite food. Oh, my God. You and me both, buddy. Can I just pay you already? Oh, my God. Can I just...

You're my friend. I want to keep this going. Yeah, this is... I want to freaking... Oh, I spilled. Oh, hilarious once again. You know what? Let's make this a freaking thing, all right?

Let's make this official. Let's make this official, okay? Like let's make this official let's make this official okay like i'm just gonna say it you come here once a week you give me the same bazinga oh boy oh boy you're gonna be freaking rich and one day you're gonna have my freaking job so like let's make this a thing let's spit on our hands let's take a blood oath let's make an agreement me and you boof and beef takes a moment he has an introspective moment of he's like okay like i guess if i want to do this i gotta i'm gonna do this for the gang i'm gonna if i can't be who i am anymore i don't know, but at least I know I can do this for them. So he looks up at drunk. Back goes and he spits

in his hand and he says, you've got a deal. Seriously, silly Peter. Oh, sorry. Silly Peter. I'm so sorry. You got a deal. Alright. Sounds like you've broken bad. Let's put it right there. Hey, this is nice. This is really nice and they're shaking hands for a while. Let's put it right there. Hey, this is nice.

This is really nice, and they're shaking hands for a while. This is really nice. Wow. All right, man, we've got to get out of here. We've got to cross that territory again, and I don't want to go back there, so let's just come on, man. It was nice to meet you, Mr. Silly Pete. Likewise, Boof, and Boof's little freaking roly-poly friend.

Mr. Beef, come on. Coming, I'm coming. Ta-ta for now. T-T-Y-O. Don't know what that means. Jumpy's going to pull up the carriage right at the border of France. All right. Same time next week?

I spy with my little eye. And Jumpy, it leaves. And Beef yells out, You got it, buddy. A new friendship, Blossomy. And Beef takes his time, walking a little bit more confidently back to Bottoms Up. Definitely with a little bit more assurance

than he had when he was crying and pushing people on the way out. And as he makes his way back to Bottoms Up, that is now Chucky Buster's, as he remembers when he sees the outside and the signage, he enters to find the gang getting ready for bed. Beef? Oh, my gosh, you're back. We've been looking for you for hours.

We were up and down the block. It was crazy. Oh my God, we had a search party. We were all holding hands, walking across a field. We had a candlelight vigil. Seb wasn't even being managed by anybody. Oh my God. And you're filthy.

And we're all hugging him and brushing him off and stuff. Where'd you get this hat? Have you been stabbed? Why are you wearing two hats? Oh, these are your pants. Beef pushes them off a little, brushes them off and stuff. Where'd you get this hat? Have you been stabbed? Why are you wearing two hats? Oh, these are your pants. Beef pushes them off a little, brushes them off. Why don't you guys get

ready for bed? I'll be up in a second to tuck you all in. Okay, Beef. Glad you're back. Love you. Yeah, love you. Beef's being kind of sexy, right? Yeah, I love his outfit. He looks incredible.

He looks insane. That hat, that rain hat on top of the pants on his head. The hottest thing I've ever seen, I think. And as they make their way upstairs and Beef kind of lingers at the bar, a pig from across the bar says, Wait, Beef? Did they say Beef? Is that you? And the pig walks over.

It's me. It's your old brother. It's Kerchak. Surely you remember me, Kerchak. Hmm. Beef looks him up and down. Yeah, yeah, I remember you, buddy. Yeah, come on in here for a hug. Yeah, I heard you got super. Yeah, come on in here for a hug. Yeah, I heard you, you know, got super famous, you know, for your music and stuff.

And it's so cool. I heard you worked here, so I had to come check it out. I thought I was going to miss you. I'm so glad. I'm so glad I got to see you. I'd love to catch up with you more. Honestly, I would. But I waited as long as I could.

I actually, I got a night shift. I'm an investigator for the Crown. I specialize in taking down Bazinga rings. I'm an investigator for the Crown. I specialize in taking down Bazinga rings. Apparently there's a new player in town, so I gotta get back on the case. You don't say, huh? I do say.

But hey, man, maybe I'll come back some other time and actually hang out a little bit more. I'd love to catch up, you know? Yeah, yeah. See you around, buddy. Yep. Gotta give those bad guys the noose, you know what I mean yeah. I'll see you around, buddy. Yep. Gotta give those bad guys the noose, you know what I mean? They're not gonna give it to themselves.

Ha ha ha ha. And he starts to head out the door and looks back and then you see him. He's kind of just focusing on the hat that's on your hat. And his eyes narrow a bit. Then he shakes his head no and walks out the door and into the rain.

Beef turns and he looks into the mirror that's right beside him and he says, let's save this bar. See you next time. the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 50 hours of content instantly.

And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats! This week's episode is... The Sitcom Showdown Part 1. In this episode, Aaron has put together a bracket to see which sitcom we think is the greatest of all time. The gang is faced with some tough decisions here, which is why this is just part 1 of 3. But that's not all. I am very excited to announce that starting this Wednesday, I will be releasing four to seven page weekly episodes of my comic book Skyless

on the Patreon for the next 13 weeks. And to kick off this new addition to our Patreon content lineup, we'll be releasing a bonus Patreon episode next Wednesday, where Aaron Keefe interviews myself and the lead artist, Chris Kirk, about the project. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang

and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and in the letters D and D. Okay. I think that's it for now until next Tuesday. And thanks as always for listening. Thank you,

baby. That was a hate gun podcast.