SitcomD&D - S3 E4: Billy Bonka and the Beer Factory (w/ Vinny Thomas)

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

In their pursuit to make money, the gang gets the unique opportunity to tour the mysterious Bonkwiser Factory. They’ll have to prove to the eccentric Billy Bonka (Vinny Thomas) that they are pure of heart in order to walk away with the cash prize. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Guest Star: Vinny Thomas Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Grace Harper  Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/Sitcomdnd Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Have you ever played D&D, Vinny? Yeah, yeah. I used to play quite a bit when I was younger. Nerd. That's a real glass houses situation. It's pretty bad, Elizabeth. You've been journaling since you were 13.

Like, I don't know. Dang it. I would call someone else a nerd. Like, I don't know. Dang it. I called someone else a nerd. Oh, that was me. I did it. That was me. Oh, I thought it was Elizabeth, too. I did, too.

Oh, I got a good Elizabeth impression now. No, this is dangerous. I feel like you would be a character, like, in Game of Thrones, the guy that, like, knows everything and all. Little finger? Yeah, the guy that like knows everything and all little finger yeah i'm always the guy with two hands in his sleeves who Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast

recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we pick up in one of the guest rooms above Chucky Buster's, formerly known as Bottoms Up. And y'all have been working incredibly hard at Chucky Busters non-stop and you're absolutely exhausted so much so that you're all wearing nightgowns and little sleepy hats

and all laying in the same bed together. While you're all resting Jennifer bursts into the room sort of out of breath with something very important to say. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're

rolling... Dice! Dice! Benny? Huh? You guys said dice? When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers To all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keefe As Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Holy crap, you guys, I figured it out! I solved all our problems! Wake up! Tortured by the sins of my past. You were all snoozing.

Why are you all in the same hay bale bed? Well, we're very, very tired. We're really tired. Jennifer, we're like so tired. Chalice, were you having a dream where you were an old person? I don't remember. We've been working so hard. Were you guys like dying?

Shut your talk holes for like two seconds. We're going to be able to buy bottoms up back Oh Jennifer did it you guys Hooray for Jenny Beef starts hugging everybody in the bed We did it We did it

Wait what did we do? Yeah Hold on this is a plan from Jennifer I'm immediately skeptical Uh huh Immediately skeptical Well Turn your skepticals horizontal

because here's the plan. Do you have more confidence or less confidence now? Less. It's waning. It's waning. I'm ready to listen. And Beef takes out a horn

that he sticks in his ear so that he can listen better. Well, first, I spent all of our earnings on casks of beer from Bonkweiser. Oh. Jennifer, this is a children's establishment now. We don't have a liquor license anymore. We can't sell that.

Also, we're actually counting our money this season. Do not spend our money, please. Already spent. Anyways. Oh, my God. The more important part is that I got five golden corks. Five golden corks. Which means.

What is that? Is it wintertime yet? We get to take the tour of the mysterious and amazing Bonkweiser Brewery. What? Bonkweiser? Oh, you guys, you gotta know that every 100 years, Billy Bonka gives a tour of Bonkweiser Brewery. And this year, he's going to award

one of the Golden Cork Holders 2,000 gold pieces at the end of the tour. Conveniently what we need. That's what I thought. Wait, we've got a golden cork? We've got a golden cork. We've got a golden cork. No, no, no.

It's five golden corks. Okay, everybody, this is amazing. I've been drinking Bonkweiser since I was a teen. It's my favorite beer. This is very exciting. I can't wait to meet him. It is exciting. This is very exciting. I can't wait to meet him. It is exciting. This is exciting.

And I hate to rush everyone, but I blacked out two days ago after drinking all that Bonkweiser and just woke up. So it starts in 15 minutes. Wait, who have we been talking to? And the gang looks over at a rotten orange. Who's the fifth cork for? Me. We got an extra cork.

Who should we invite? Oh, you're about to lose your cork, buddy. I'll tell you that much right now. Come on, guys. We gotta go. We gotta hurry. Come on! Oh my gosh. Should I wear a tie for Billy Bonko or should I wear a... Oh, wait. We're all going in our nightcaps. Yeah.

Turns out I can walk and Chalice does a little fun little jump dance out of the bed. Oh, I get why we were all sleeping in the same bed now. Beef pulls out the horn from his ear. Come on, Chip, let's go. You all arrive at Bonkweiser Brewery, and as you step to get a little closer to the premises,

you see that there is already a pretty decently sized crowd gathered around for this momentous, you know, once a century occasion. And so there's a big gate in front of this large stone fortress. But some of this stone fortresses, turrets and towers look like they defy logic and all reason and all physics. The way that they like curve and like one tower does like almost like a loop-de-loop. It is a whimsical place to behold and a daunting

place to behold. And so as you approach holding your golden corks, the crowd parts and lets you straight up to the gate where you are now awaiting for Billy Bonka to arrive. Yeah, that's right. Everybody move. Everybody move. We've got the golden corks. that's right. Everybody move. Everybody move.

We've got the golden corks. That's right. Wow, they really have them. Holy moly. Really cool. It's the same guy. Jennifer, how many golden corks are there? So we have five. Is that all of them? So no matter what, we win, right? Well, I don't know how many there are total, but, you know, I just wanted to make sure that the core five got them.

So I stopped after five. Hmm. Hmm. I rub one of the corks on my pants to see if the gold paint rubs off. Okay. Roll for perception or investigation. Okay. A ten.

Okay. It's legit. It seems legit. Oh, okay. And while y'all are waiting for Billy Bonka, Billy Bonka turns the corner and starts to walk towards the gate. And Vinny, if you want to describe what Billy Bonka looks like, please do so. He's in a little plum coat.

And he's wearing little tiny penny loafers with a buckle on each shoe. He wears a little bowler cap with a big old ruby in the center. And he wears enormous white goggles that obscure his eyes. Upon each hand is a white glove covered in stains. And he's got a little walking stick that he clearly doesn't need. And he does a little flip. Whoa! Whoa!

Wow! Oh, I see you guys noticed how limber I was. Billy! Billy! Over here! The crowd goes absolutely nuts. They're screaming, losing it for Billy Blanca, who, let the record show, is a 524-year-old gnome.

Wow, I thought he was like a fictional character that they used to sell beer. I had no idea he was real. Beef's holding on to the bars of the gate, and he's like, I had no idea he was real. Beef's holding onto the bars of the gate and he's like, oh my god he is real. I thought he was going to pretend to be frail and then do flips but he just flipped immediately.

I appreciate that. I really do. I didn't want to start this off being tricks or lied to. So this is perfect. How heavy do you think his boulder hat is With that gem in the middle of it It's so big

You say boulder? It's a boulder hat Beef we don't have time for this Billy Bonka is in the background Throwing glass bottles of beer Hard enough to hurt people He's got an arm on him. Our kind of guy.

Billy! Billy, it's us! We won! Yeah, over here, Billy! We won! We're waving. Well, well, well, if it isn't my little contest winners. Yes, it's us.

Normally, I scatter the golden quarks into a number of different barrels. But this time, I wanted a group. into a number of different barrels. But this time, I wanted a group. And they all pan and look at Jennifer being slightly less impressed by the work that she put in. So I put them all in one. Allow me to get the keys, and I'll open the gate for you. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, we're going inside.

It's not this one. And it's not this one. It's not this one. Oh, there's a lot of keys. Is it that one? No, that's to my bedroom. What about that one? It looks long and gold. Yeah, it's kind of a similar metal, too, to the gate itself.

Oh, yeah, it's this one. Here we go. Oh, good observation, B. I can't believe I did that. I kind of piggybacked that one. Welcome. And as soon as the key hits the gate, it unlocks the golden gates swing open

to the grounds of the Bonkweiser Brewery. Bye, you f***ing losers. We're going inside. Vigilance flips off the crowd. Fart, fart, fart. Better than you, better than you. They're so cool. Come on in, you five, and shut the gate behind you

so we don't let any of the plebe rabble in. Yes. And you guys then move into Bonkweiser Brewery, and now you are in the opening chamber of this large fortress. And Billy Bonka steps up on a little stool to address you all more at eye level for most. Listen here, you five. I bet you thought you were just here to have a good time. Yeah.

Kick back and have a couple of drinks with your little friends. But the truth of the matter is, it's a contest. Yes. It's a contest to see which one of you is purest of heart. And the one of you who is will receive 200 gold pieces. Oh, there's another zero on there, I think. Oh, God damn it. The person who is purest of heart will receive 2,000 gold pieces.

Whoa. That might seem like a lot of money to you. It does. But for me, it's nothing. It's some change. Oh, okay. Wow. And, um, sorry, Mr. Bunker.

You said that there was five, but actually, there's six of us who happen to have golden corks, sir. What? No. F***. And the gang parts, and there's a little orphan standing there. No. F***. Oh, turns out there's a waif, too.

Yes, sir. My name happens to be Bucket, sir. Oh, God damn it. And I'm wearing a little Eton jacket, breeches, socks, vest, tie, pericolor shirt, and a cap. Boo. Now, you might think that's just the Google search results for the description of Oliver Twist, but I say that's how I dress every day. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir. Oh, my. Well, you must have found one of the quirks left over from last year.

Congratulations, my little foreign friend. Wait, that shouldn't count. That shouldn't count, right? Because that was last year. This is this year. Yeah, that's not very pure of heart. Listen to me, you rats. Oh, okay. What I say counts, counts.

When you come through those gates, I am a god. Do you understand me? Yes, sir. They all kneel. They all kneel. Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Outside in those disgusting, filthy streets, you can argue with whomever you want.

But here I am an emperor. Yes, sir. Don't worry, y'all. That orphan seems like the worst. Like, we are way purer of heart. We have way more heart than that kid. I got a good idea how to make him not an orphan anymore. We adopt that little s***'s ass.

Oh, my God. Then all the money comes to us. Our little child star. Let's have a little child star. Did y'all say you were interested in perhaps growing your family a little bigger? Um, we're talking. Yeah. It's on the table, but it's not looking good.

Oh, of course, of course. Apologies. Um, when you're done with whatever is going on there, I'd like to draw your attention to this form, which you all must sign before you step foot into the factory proper. I blow a little dust off the scroll. Do I need a roll for that? I can just do that. How hard do you think it is to summon that amount of air for Billy Bunker? Oh, it's very hard, I would say.

Yeah, then you're going to have to roll a constitution roll for that. I rolled an 11, so that means I get half of the dust, a little more than half of the dust off the scroll. Okay, well, I'm ready to sign. I'm not even going to give this thing a second glance. Let's get in there. Jennifer grabs a pen and signs it. Me too. Chitlix over at Seb. What's up? If Seb signs it, I'll sign it, but I just... I've already lost everything, so I'm going to go ahead and sign it. Out of my way, boys. I'm signing. And Beef puts his hand in some mud, and then he takes his hand and he puts it on the squirrel.

And that's his signature. Did you bring your own mud? It's dry as a bone in here. Always stay wet, my buddy. If you always stay wet, then there's always mud near. I don't quite know how to sign my name either. Could someone draw a picture of a bucket on the line? No.

Mm-hmm. Thank you. All right, is that everyone? I think that's everyone. All right, follow me. Oh, Christ. Y'all pull up to what looks kind of like an internal moat in the castle. And it's a river.

And when you get close to it, you see that it looks like it's the color and consistency of Bonkweiser Brute. Whoa. I blow into a little ram's horn. Whoa. Oh, pretty impressive, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, that ram's horn was still connected to a live ram. Yeah, I blow into the horn and the sound comes out of its mouth. Some people say it's a terrible waste of rams because I got to kill one every time I do it. I think it's worth it for the noise. Oh, look there. My boat. And as the boat turns the corner, you can see that it's one of those like paddle boats where the back has like a bunch of different paddles on a wheel that is paddling the little boat forward.

And it's being operated by Doompadoompas. And Doompadoompas as a description. Yeah. Gonna need one. Yeah. Picture like Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc. Except for like a traditional Oompa Loompa wig would be. He's wearing that.

But it's orange. Horrible. Oh, God. Billy, we've got the bird, Billy. We're coming. Oh, thank you so much, Linda. Who knows my name? Linda, my dear children, is one of the Doompadoompas.

I found them suffering in a village, disgusting slobs. And like any good capitalist, I said, I'm going to give them all employment. I'm going to give them all jobs. And so I really saved them from a horrible situation, and now they work here. Okay. saved them from a horrible situation, and now they work here. We love you, Billy. Okay. Do they have a bunch of interpersonal drama and relationships? Oh, yeah. Linda sleeps around.

You don't say. But I'm really emotionally saving myself for you, Billy. Okay. Should we get in the boat? Yeah, are we supposed to get in? Oh, yeah. Everyone watch your step.

Linda, could you take your cardigan off and put it on the plank so no one gets wet feet? I took it off gladly, Mr. Parker. Okay, Linda, please. Everything is so sticky in here. It's like a frat party. I love it. Amazing. Yes. Oh, Billy.

Beef goes over. Billy, would you like some help into your boat? And he looks at the gang and gives a mischievous smile like, I'm the best good at it. Smart. Yeah, I don't need any help into the boat. Watch me do this sick flip. Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have you roll for athletics on this one.

Okay. Billy Bunker rolled a five. lip. Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have you roll for athletics on this one. Okay, Billy Bunker rolled a five. He hits his head on the boat and falls in the river. Linda curses up a storm. You're all cold. Oh my god. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my ass. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my ass.

Oh, my God. It's okay, Bertha. It doesn't happen every day, let me tell you. Okay, folks, here we are. Welcome to the riverboat. It's going to take some turns. Do not touch the water because it's hot enough to burn. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. You just fell in it. My skin is thick. I got that thick skin disease. I'm 524 years old. Suffice it to say I'm not burned. Leather. I'm a leather gnome.

Yeah, that really makes sense based on looking at you. Should we put our seatbelts on? Yeah, go ahead, I guess. Chip leans over and puts on Bucket's seatbelt. Thank you, sir. I've never seen a contraption quite like this. Seb reaches over and undoes his seatbelt.

Oh, thank you, sir. That must be the proper way, then. Yeah, you should have the choice yourself. Oh, wow. I'm making a note of that, you little minks. And Linda starts really cooking on these, like, bike pedals that are attached to the big wheel that kind of powers this boat. And Bonka's boat goes through a tunnel

on the way in to the center of the factory. And this tunnel's a little bit longer than you might have expected going in. And it seems like maybe you're gaining in speed. And now there's a bunch of magical lights flashing all around you. And Bonka starts kind of just laughing maniacally and you don't know why.

Ha ha ha, that's right, Linda. Keep those gams cooking. Pedal away, you old salty broad. Let's keep it pushing. I'm having a blast. And then before you know it, the tunnel's over and you appear inside Bonkweiser Brewery. And what you see is a large room with, again, rivers made of beer and large industrial pipes throughout in this sprawling expanse that almost feels too big to still be inside.

But on one far side of the room across from you is a single wooden tap that looks like if you pulled it, beer would come out. Are you feeling thirsty, my little piggies? Oink, oink, oink, oink. Oink, oink, oink. Sounds like we've got some thirsty piggies. All right, disembark.

You guys can have fun. You can run around and you can explore. Wow. What's that special tap over there? Oh, that special tap? Yeah, it's super cool, and I'm going to go touch it as soon as I possibly can. Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Chief. Don't you touch that tap. You call me Chief. I markets yet. Wow. I-P-A-L-E-D-O-L-O. No, it's I-Paladin.

Beef can't read. But I would just like to reiterate to all of you that you should not drink this beer. It is amazing, though. You know, we've designed it to give the drinker instant abdominal muscles for an entire year. Chalice turns and looks at Chip. Why are you looking at me? I already got those, basically, and I suck in my gut. Crickets.

Well, in the drawings that I do to Alberta, I have abs, so. You draw yourself to Alberta? Yeah, they're sex drawings, beef. We do little sex drawings. I'd just like to emphasize that the abs you would get from this beer would theoretically not look like that at all. It would look like real hard, rock hard abs. Real canyons of the form. Like hero abs.

Like peaks and valleys abs. Big old peaks and valleys. Big old plateaus and divots. Have you tried the beer yet? No, no, no, no, no. But I've tried it on a bunch of dumpa dumpas. And let me tell you,

things did not go well for those dumpas. What happened? Let's just say that they are all abs. Some of us got abs in all the wrong places. Oh my gosh, it's like you have three asses on your back. That is insane. Yeah, Linda, if It's like you have three asses on your back. That is insane.

Yeah, Linda, if you could put your cardigan back on. I don't know. Anyway, it's kind of a moot point because I've put a lock on this keg now. In order to get it, you have to be incredibly strong, brave, and heroic for safety reasons. Huh. So we can't try it at all? Well, I could try it. I mean, I could get into that lock if I had to or wanted to.

Chip, I don't think you can. And also, you shouldn't because someone pure of heart would probably not do that. You're pure of heart. You're pure of heart. Oh, buddy. Don't do that in front of Billy. Don't do this in front of Billy. Say I have abs.

Say I have abs. Say I have abs. You are very handsome and you look great. That's true, sir. And I think that it's more important what you look like on the inside than the outside. Yeah, I'm going to adopt your ass, just so you know. As much as I admire this thrilling exchange of ideas and discourse, I think it would be for the best if we moved along. I agree.

You guys go on ahead. I'll watch the back. I'll catch up. Not suspicious at all. Follow me, gang. And so as y'all starts to move forward on the tour, these are our temptation mechanics. I'm going to have all of you roll a d20 for wisdom saving throw.

The person with the lowest roll will be tempted. Fun. And Chip, because this speaks to something in you, you're going to be rolling with disadvantage on this one. I rolled a 16. I rolled a 23. With disadvantage, I rolled a 9. I rolled a 7.

Oh, no. So Chip starts to make his way over there and like hang back and then notices that Beef is actually a couple steps ahead of him. Beef, what are you doing? And Beef, you are so tempted. You are going to try to make your way to this tap. Now, in order to get there, you're going to have to hop over this hot, hot beer onto a couple different industrial-looking pipes and wooden crates and things like that. So give me an acrobatics check to even get there in the first place. I don't think I have good—oh, wait. Oh, yeah, I leveled up. An 11 and then plus 4.

Oh, 15. Okay. You do a jumping somersault. Some call it a front flip. Yeah, and land right next to this tap. And now you see that the elegant wood carving that makes this tap is in the form of a sword. And you're going to have to pull that to get the beer out into the flagon underneath it. So give me a strength check. Oh, boy.

One. A natural one? No, it was a two, but I have minus one strength. So unnatural. A little bit better. Okay. So, Beef, you start pulling on that as hard as you can. And you're pulling, you're pulling, and it's not budging at all.

Beef, you need my help? Yes, please. Does Chip move in? Yeah, Chip moves in. Okay, now that he's not tempted, he actually sees this as a way to get rid

of some competition, a.k.a. Beef. Okay, so roll athletics to get there. Ooh, ho-ho, a 26. Jesus. Chip essentially does an amazing floor routine to get to the other side, lands, and now give me a strength check.

Beef does a huge eye roll while he's doing that. 17. Okay, the brew flows out. The I-P-A-L-O-D-I-N fills the flagon. Chip, do you drink it? No. Oh, I'm not tempted whatsoever. Huh?

Okay. Wow. Well, I take my big old mouth and I just slurp it up. And as you slurp it up, you feel a rumbling in your tummy. And six abs pop onto your tummy. Oh! Beef looks shredded oh my god you guys i'm shredded and as you get back to the gang billy bonka spots you and sees your new abs and isn't very impressed with your decision. Oh, no, no, no, no. I finally buttoned my whole shirt up to hide my abs. No. What's different with you?

Nothing. Something has changed about you. Nothing's different. Nothing's different at all. I'm just me. And, Beef, you just button up your buttons, but they start to get taut and expand again, and then they pop off your body, and you start to swell. What?

You swell up. Oh, no. You're turning into a giant blueberry. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Oh, God. The buttons are like machine gun fire. Ow!

Oh, God! You bit my eyes. Jesus Christ. Oh, no. What's happening to me? What's happening? Beef! Beef, God! You bit my eyes! Jesus Christ! Oh, no, what's happening to me? What's happening? Beef! Beef, how could you?

Oh, you duplicitous little bastard. I told you not to drink it. Oh, but it tastes so good. Chalice takes some of the unbreakable rope that they got in season one. Hell yeah. And she ties it around Beef and turns him into a little balloon. And then she ties it around her wrist like a little kid

because she doesn't want to lose him. Is he filled with helium? Is he flying? Or is he just dragging on the ground? No, he's dragging on the ground. Oh, okay. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said,

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and then added a lot of magical vines with golden grapes on them. Ooh. Wow. If you look beyond the shiplap and Edison bulbs, you'll see my vines. You see, we're experimenting with fine wines. I call this particular vintage Chardonnay Zinfandel. It's named after a consultant who helped us to create it.

Oh, my gosh. Are you a wine fan? Uh, yeah, I'm a wine fan. And Chalice goes crazy for that stuff. Yeah, sometimes too much. Are you a wine fan? Uh, yeah, I'm a wine fan. Chalice goes crazy for that stuff. Yeah, sometimes too much. Well, it's designed for people with incredibly sophisticated palates, so probably not the likes of you five.

That's fair. Oh, no, no, no, no. There's also six of us here, just so you know. Right, but I can't even drink, so this is all kind of pretty easy for me. Oh, I love that kid. Sorry, can we circle back to something real quick? Um, sorry, you probably didn't recognize me or notice my signature when I signed the waiver. I am Chalice Glass, former princess and high society queen. I went to the finest of schools.

I had several thousand horses, you see. And I have a pretty sophisticated palate. Oh, you're just a princess. There are thousands of princesses. She was a princess. Oh, was a princess. Yeah, she's not even a princess anymore. One of my classes in school, I was an AP palate, which just means

you just make your palate super sophisticated. It was like caviar. What does AP stand for? Advanced Poor People? Nice. Of course. Unbelievable. Oh, my God. Billy, no.

You know what? I'm just going to take a sip of this. I'm just going to take a sip of this, and then you'll see that I can appreciate the finer notes in it. Okay. But be forewarned. Those who are not highfalutin enough to taste this wine will only taste ashes, dirt, wretched, disgusting things for years to come.

See, it can only be properly tasted in all its full glory by kings, queens, and emperors. And you are none of these things. We'll see. We'll see. It sounds like no one even needs to roll for temptation because Chalice has just already taken the bait, hook, line, and sinker. Oh, great. Okay, Chalice grabs it. Okay. And she starts to drink it.

Roll a constitution check. Oh, no. I got a three. Okay. So you take a sip, and at first, it just tastes cold. And then it starts to taste like bad things. Right now, you're tasting the mouth of a newt. No, that's interesting, because I would sort of describe it as like an oaky vanilla.

Like the body of this... The body of this wine is just like so earthy and a bouquet of. You know what, Chalice? It's giving lie. It's giving you're a liar. No, no, no, no, no. I'm just, can't get enough smell. And Chalice starts chugging it.

And as Chalice chugs it, her clothes become taut on her body. And she starts to Inflate And she Skin turns blue She becomes a giant Blueberry So now she's just

A blueberry that's Tied to another Blueberry Yeah Chip walks over And ties the String around Chalice

And then holds The side of it So yeah He's holding two Balloon people now Basically And then holds the side of it. So, yeah, he's holding two balloon people now, basically. Doompah. Doompah. Doompah.

There are bad and there are bad. Doompah. Doompah. Every Doompah. Doompie. Doompah. Billy, what's happening? Billy, what's happening?

Yeah, what was that? What the hell was that? Oh, those are the Dumpas. They sing beautiful music. Oh, God, I love it. They'll lullaby me to sleep sometimes with their little poems. Dang, Beef didn't get a song. Oh, sorry about that.

I forgot about that. Oh, you forgot about it. Okay. Yeah, I was doing my cartagena. I didn't know if you did like every other. Okay, Linda's not a professional. You know, she does what she can. She's not, okay.

Now the boat moves into another small tunnel, and then you're into the third room, which is a very industrial room, but magical lights are also like dancing and creating a series of images above another set of elaborate wooden beer taps. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Welcome to room number three, my little imps. Nice. This one's very exciting because I love games.

This is a fun one because we've turned each of our pipes into a different kind of slot machine in this elaborate room. If you pull this main lever, it's going to randomly select different pours. And if your pours line up and they all match, you win. Oh, but my little turds, unfortunately, there's a catch. If you win, you get 3,000 gold pieces on the spot and a lifetime supply of Bonkweiser brew. Okay. All right, let's get going.

But listen closely. Okay, we're not done. If you lose, you owe me 6,000 gold pieces. Oh, God. Hey, Buckets, this sounds like right up your alley, right? Yeah, come on, Buckets. That lever does look pretty fun to pull, sir. Back the fuck*** off!

I'm pulling that s***! Let's go! Jennifer, I forgot you were here. Jennifer, no! Yeah, baby! Jennifer's money doesn't count as our money! Jennifer's money is separate money! No, I'm feeling it, guys. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'm feeling it. I'm in the zone, guys. Look at my hand. Shut up. Look at my hand. Shut up.

Look at my hand. Oh, it's perfectly still. That's right. Oh, God. Wow. Okay. Everyone, give me a wisdom saving throw. I assume that Beef and Chalice are not rolling anymore. Yeah, they're out. Even the blueberries.

We can't double dip? No, y'all are out. Yo, natural 20. 17. Okay. Jennifer, with disadvantage, rolled an eight. Oof. Yeah, I'm doing this!

And she jumps up and grabs the lever and then dangles, and her body weight is just enough to slowly bring it down. And when it hits the bottom, you hear a locking mechanism, and then all the magical lights above the other taps start spinning and whirling and changing shapes. And then you see one creates a sword, one creates a snake, and the third one creates a little pot of gold.

It is a non-match. Damn. Well, well, well, well. Do you have the money to pay me back now? Because if you don't, I'm going to have to blow you up like a blueberry. Um, well, um, you guys got anything? No. What do you have on you? Jennifer,

you did this without having the money? I've got, like, two gold pieces on me. What do you have, Chaz? I'll check your pockets. You can't really touch your pockets right now. You're too inflated. I'm a freaking blueberry! We don't have any money. We're freaking blueberries. I'm sorry, Mr. Duncan. Um, I don't quite have it on me, but I assure you, I will gladly pay you Tuesday if you give me a chance.

That's enough. Linda, bring the hypodermic needle in the bicycle pump. Dumpa, dumpa, dumpa-dee-dots. Yeah. I am going to inflate this rat. Dumpa, dumpa, dumpa-doop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop-a. Is there anyone else besides Linda that works here? Or is it just Linda? None of the other doop-a-doop-as will speak to me.

What'd you do? What happened, man? Oh, it's a lot of bad blood. I thought you saved them. I don't want to get into it now. We can get into it later. No, it's a lot of bad blood. I thought you saved them. I don't want to get into it now. We can get into it later. No, it's fine. I had a whole other crew before this one. Yeah, me too. They all died.

You get it. Oh, damn. Sorry, man. Anyway, let this be a lesson to anyone who owes me exactly 6,000 gold coins. Oh, f***, I'm ruined! On to the next room. As the boat continues down the hot stream of Bonkweiser, you move into an all-white room. When you step in and the door closes behind you,

it's impossible to tell what the dimensions of this too-well-lit white room are. Where the walls meet the floor, you can't even tell. Oh, welcome. I bet you'd never seen a room like this, huh? No, sir. Never. This is room number four. I'm really excited about it. We call it a hops back to better times. Oh. One sip from this concoction. There's a little bucket on the floor there. one sip from this concoction and you will be magically transported to re-experience your most treasured memories from the past oh dibs however there are some side effects we are still attempting to smooth out you turn into a blueberry what

does it end with somebody turning into a blueberry or something does it end with somebody turning into a blueberry or something yes sorry i didn't mean to like spoil it i'm sorry you can you can go ahead and say it if you want to if you drink this you're gonna blow up like a blue anyway hey do not drink this don't do it i know you want this. Don't do it. I know you want to, but don't do it. Yeah, Bucket Man. Dude, that's pretty cool. You could probably envision back to a time where you had parents that were alive and stuff. Actually, sir, I'll be rolling with advantage because I've never had a good memory.

Oh, God. Well, that's convenient. Well, my best days are definitely behind me. Can I roll with disadvantage? Can I? Yes, you can, Sam. Thank you. So, bucket rolled a 16.

And 19. I have a plus five on wisdom, so. Oh, wow. Yeah. Not bad. A seven. Oh, Chip. Oh, Chip.

This is it. So, Chip, you find yourself compelled, and before you know it, you're sipping from the bucket on the floor of this all-white room. I mean, I've had some good memories. I may as well. What? It just, it'd be fun to, like, relive, like, a clip show or something.

You're gonna be a blueberry soon, bitch. He takes a big swig of this thing, and he looks up, and you see that the room basically fills with what was high school for Seb and for Chip. And it zooms into one of the restrooms and you can see Chip with a group of people around him cheering him on. And he's holding Seb's feet as Seb's head is in the toilet. Dang, this is one of the best moments of my entire life. This is actually one of the worst of mine. You said you were into it at the time.

You said, this is what buds do. I said, this is not what buds do! And then you put me into it, man. Oh, I thought you were joking. But look it, everybody's chanting my name. They're saying, Chip, Chip, Chip. And they love me. It is pretty magical.

Yeah, I know. It's pretty, whoa, blueberry. Chalice is a little disappointed that she wasn't in Chip's memory. So she won't make eye contact with him. Not that she could anyway, because she's also a blueberry. Shut up, Billy! Sorry, I was eavesdropping. Whatever, Billy!

Charles is pissed. Just get in here, Linda. Just get in here. Okay, sorry. Is that enough of the song? I kind of wanted to know what my rhyme was going to be. I liked it, yeah. what my rhyme was going to be.

I liked it, yeah. Turnpike, turnpike, turnpike to toilet. We saw a memory while he gave him a swirly. No, you didn't rhyme it with toilet? I turned around to the toilet. Oh, yes. We should have just let her walk right on in. Yeah.

That's all you guys. Let's go, Billy. And she starts pedaling as fast as she can in the boat. And you guys start to move into room five. Ooh, Linda, that was really gangbusters the way you pedaled. You really burned the oil there. Anyway, welcome to the fifth room. It's completely dark. And it turns out Billy forgot to turn the light on,

but when he finds it, he illuminates a spotlight over a single stool, and resting atop it, this single stool, lit by a spotlight in an all-dark room. Well, you know what? I'll let Billy explain it. Thank you, voice.

You see, my dear children, it has long been our goal to create a lager that pairs perfectly with the perfect sandwich. But of course, in order to achieve this, we needed to create the perfect sandwich. So of course we did. Yes, after 236 years of trial and also error, we were finally able to assemble the perfect ingredients in the perfect order. Heirloom tomatoes. Zebra ham. Pig ham.

Cajun-style frog legs. Havarti cheese. Yes. Dinosaur kale. Bazingo. Thousand Island dressing. All between two cosmic brownie buns. Oh, my God.

Holy cow. The perfect sandwich. I swear to God, if I wasn't a blueberry right now, I would eat that sandwich like it was no tomorrow. Yeah, come on, Bucket. You gotta like sandwiches. You're a freaking orphan, bro. I will admit, sir, I don't think I'll be wrong with Advantage on this one.

Yes. It's basically just me and Bucket? Yes, sir. Yeah, Seb, you gotta do this for the bar, man. And I'm awfully hungry. Come on, Seb. I will try to resist temptation, Mr. Bunker. I honestly will try.

All right. Well, it might make it a little easier to resist temptation if I tell you what'll happen if you lift up this glass cloche and you eat this sandwich. Oh, what will happen, Seb? Oh, can I guess? Can I guess? Can I guess? Yeah, let Chalice guess.

Um, you get... Hold on. Look around the room, Chalice. Look around the room. Um, you go... Not at me. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Just tell us. You blow up like a blueberry. But also... Ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. But it's not just that.

What? What else? It's also diarrhea. Oh. The sandwich has been sitting under the cloche for a long time. And this room is not refrigerated. God, I have never been more pissed right now that I'm a blueberry. Mine also had a side effect of diarrhea, too, right?

Oh, no. Yeah, mine, too, right? Yeah, mine, too, right? Jennifer, no. Yeah, mine too, right? Yeah, mine too, right? Jennifer, all of us? Yeah, mine too. Yeah, mine too, right? Seb, you haven't even had it yet. Seb, you haven't even had one yet.

Well, maybe I just have the runs, okay? I'm nervous as all hell. Goodness gracious. I'm sorry to inform you that it is just a sandwich. Oh, damn. Well, I'm sorry to inform you that it is just the sandwich. Oh, damn. Well, I'm sorry to inform you that you have diarrhea all up and down your beautiful establishment.

Fair enough. The Doompadoompas love it. Okay. There's some pissed off Doompadoompas with a mop in the back scrubbing the mess. They love it. They love the work. I don't even pay them. All right. So, let's get a wisdom

check here. Come on, Seb. Let's go, Seb. 18. Ooh, an 18? Yeah. Come on, bucket. Bucket rolled. I'm 11. Yes! Oh, my. I couldn't help myself, sir.

Oh, it's so delicious, though. My goodness, I haven't tasted something this good in my entire life. Well, if you took me back to the memory room, I tell you what, I'd see this moment right here over and over again, sir. Very good. Very good sandwich. Eat it up. Eat it up, you little prince.

He blows up like a balloon and he's flying all over the room. They get balloon running out of air. Wow, that's amazing. Oh, what a mess. Thank God it's pitch black in this room except for the spotlight. Don't turn on the lights. Oh God, Linda, where are you?

D'Arnaud Rich. Linda, I hear you. I can't see you. She wasn't supposed to eat that sandwich. Yeah, she can climb ceilings. She's like a little gecko. What do you get when you eat zebra ham?

You fly around the room like Mrs. Nottingham. Who's Mrs. Nottingham? A famous rich. Okay. Linda. Linda. Derm-pa. Well, folks, it seems like we're down to one skinny person left.

That's right. I'm that skinny person. Yes. Yes. My young, sweet Seb. My sweet, sweet, young Seb. Oh, you're putting your fingers in my mouth. My sweet, tender, beautiful Seb,

I deem you to be the purest of heart. Yay, Seb! Go, Seb! Yeah, you did it, buddy! A bunch of blueberries cheering her friend on. And now that I have found the purest of heart, you will all know the secret ingredient of Bunkweiser's brew. You see, the secret ingredient comes from synthesizing the blood of a true, good, pure individual. I'm sorry, what?

We find children usually work the best, but clearly this nerd is childlike enough to make the cut. I'm not a nerd. Holy s***, they're going to kill Seb. Oh my god. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't kill him. He's Sam. We need him.

We love him. Oh, can't I? Linda, lock the doors. Don't. Let's do this. You're powerless to stop me as I drain the juice from this nerd. No. I caress the glowing ruby upon my hat, and I crack my knuckles.

Oh, my God, you guys. The doompas. And the Doompas, as Billy rubs the ruby upon his boulder cap, they start to roll and form a base at his feet. And then suddenly, Billy is getting higher and higher up in the air, standing upon the Doompadoompas. Transformers. As they lock into place and create what is essentially a mech suit that

Billy Bonka is now wearing made of Doompadoompas. A Super Doompa! Super Doompa! Why are you guys excited? He's gonna kill our friend! Oh yeah. Charles, it's a Super Doompa! We've never seen one in person before! This is pretty badass. We've been talking about this for years! You're right.

I can't appreciate this part of things. Let's have everyone roll for initiative. I have a six. I have a five. I have a nine. Two. Eleven. Is that the number one spot?

Yeah. Okay. So, Billy, you're going to start it off. What attack are you throwing their way? The doompas begin to flow down my arm, and they each bite onto each other until they form a kind of bo staff. Oh, no. Which I immediately swing at all five of you with.

Oh. Oh. Everyone do a dexterity saving throw. Roll, blueberry, roll. 15. 20. 19. 4.

So if you rolled above a 15, which I think is three of you, you'll take four damage, and Chaz, you'll take eight. Gee. 4. So if you rolled above a 15, which I think is 3 of you, you'll take 4 damage, and Chaz, you'll take 8. Gee. No! And Seb, you are up. Okay, so just to see what's going on and see what I can find out, I'm going to do an Arcana check.

Can I use that as my action, or...? Yes, you can. I'll even give you a bonus action with it. Okay, cool. What are you trying to suss out? How he is making them do that. Okay. My guess is he's wearing something.

I mean, he touched the ruby. Okay. That's where my mind is going. His boulder hat? Yes, the boulder hat. All right, give me an arcana check. 18. Yeah, magic's coming out of that ruby,

and it's telling the doopapa Doompas what to do. Whoa! Super Doompa. I'm going to use one of my new spells. I'm going to use Mirror Image. Three illusory duplicates of myself appear in the space. The duplicates move with you and mimic your action, shifting positions.

Impossible to track which image is real. Awesome. So now, pop, pop, pop, there are several duplicates of Seb populating the space. So many nerds. And next up is Chalice. I'm going to use my snowball swarm new spell because that's the kind of whimsy I'm feeling today.

Does he have to make a saving throw? Dexterity 13. He has to do a dexterity 13 saving throw? Okay. I rolled an eight. So the snowballs connect, and they connect with the bowler hat, and they connect dead on with the ruby. Billy takes three damage, and the hat dead on with the ruby. Billy takes three damage,

and the hat goes flying off of his head. Nice! Can I use my action to roll over to it and try and get it to land on my head? Yes, you can. Wow. Now, why don't you give me an acrobatics check? Ooh, a 20. Whoa!

Non-natural? Non-natural. Okay. So, you somersault over there. And Chip, what does it look like when this hat lands perfectly on your head? So I'm flipping because you described it first. I am rolling somersault style. So since I'm a ball, my face is basically smacking into the ground every time I do a full roll. But then I sit up and my eyes are like dizzy and there's birds floating around my head,

but then the birds get stomped by the hat as it perfectly lands upon my head. That's tight. And as soon as that happens, you hear all in unison, and they look over at Chip. Uh, yeah. I don't know. Kill that guy or something. Kill Chip. Uh, yeah. Uh, I don't know.

Kill that guy or something. Kill him? Oh, extreme. Well, I mean, uh, yeah, pure fart. No, no, it's fine. It's fine. Sorry. Not judging.

Okay, cool. Yeah, kill him, I guess. Duba-duba. Linda has Billy's bird-like neck in her hands, ready to snap it. Billy, I don't know what to do. I'm feeling compelled. Don't worry, my sweet. I pull out a knife out of my pocket.

And I stab Linda in the chest. Whoa! I'm crying as I do this. I'm crying. I'm weeping and I stab Linda in the chest. Beef, kill this guy! Hello?

Beef rolled over and started eating the remainder of the sandwich. That's what you do with your turn. And now, I'm running toward

the hot river as fast as possible. The Doompadoompas are in tow. And when they saw you stab Linda, what they see, the rest of the gang in the distance, is Billy Bonka trying to get to his beloved boat as quickly as he can.

But you just see him get tackled by dozens and dozens, dozens and dozens and dungeons and dragons of Doompadoompas. And you just kind of see his plum jacket, like parts of it just fly into the air and dust rather than blood kind of like explode into the air. And that is the end of Billy Banka. Are they eating him? Yeah, guys, I didn't do any of that.

I was indecisive. I didn't make them do anything. I think they just really hated that guy. Hard to prove that. You said the words. No, I think they just really hated that guy. Hard to prove that. You said the words. No, I think they just hated that guy. No, no, he's right. We hated that guy. He's controlling us for a long time.

Bah, bah, bah, bah. I lift off the hat. I'm not even doing nothing. It's all them. One of the Doompadoompas takes the hat and puts it on. I'm the ultimate Doompadoompa. Oh, this might be worse. No, you guys are cool. You guys are cool. You're fleet us. Oh, can might be worse. No, you guys are cool. Okay.

You guys are cool. You're fleet us. Oh, can we have the 2,000 gold coin for winning? Oh, good question, Chalice. Good question. Oh, sweet baby. There's no money. There's no gold.

What? This place is in the red. This is bad. He comes out once every 100 years. You think we're doing okay? Oh. He got no money. Oh, that's why he's not paying you.

Yeah, he got no money. Are we going to be blueberries forever? I don't know, bro. I don't know. Did you just smurf for a second? All right, we're going to have to de-blueberry ourselves. Seb, roll us home. Unbelievable.

I mean, if you think about it, we were about to leave down 4,000 gold pieces. So kind of better that it's just like a draw and we didn't lose anything nor gain anything. Yeah. Nobody asks you to do that. And I'm sure all of Fraser is not going to be pissed that we destroyed the most popular beer company

from the inside out. Yeah. Oh, you don't think the Doompas are going to be able to run it successfully? You have no faith in them? Is that what I said? You see the giant Doompas with the Doompa wearing the bowler hat on top of them

like crash through a building and they're just wreaking havoc? The power runs in my head so fast. Well, I could use a drink. Yeah, me too, sweetheart. I mean, yeah, me too. Well, we'll be getting back to the bar in just a little bit. And my three sebs are just kind of rolling all of you guys all the way back.

And then I like to think maybe the drink that you guys have in the post-credits scene is out of that bucket of best memories. And then it's just a highlight reel of the episode we just recorded. Oh my god. But to confirm, we would blow up again like blueberries. I light a little match and I set Linda's corpse afire.

He's alive. And as the flames glint in my eye and I set Linda's corpse afire. He's alive. And as the flames glint in my eye and I look at the pyre and the smoldering ruins of my factory, I vow to get my revenge on the group of thugs that destroyed my business and freed my captives.

I slit my hands and I press them to the stone floor and I do something. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but it's bad. It doesn't look good, whatever it is.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Artie Parrot wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one.

And we were, of course, joined by the wickedly talented Vinny Thomas. You can follow Vinny on Instagram at V-I-N-N underscore A-Y-Y. Dare I say he's my favorite Instagram account? I do dare. He is. Oh, and y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons

is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 50 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats.

This week's episode is commercial improv, where the gang improvises commercials to products Ben made up. As you might guess, this goes off the rails immediately, so enjoy at your own risk. But that's not all! I am releasing four- to seven-page weekly episodes of my comic book Skyless on the Patreon feed for the next 12 weeks.

I am so proud of this project and this sci-fi fantasy coming of age story we're telling. And if for nothing else, I think it is worth checking out for Chris Kirk's incredible artwork alone. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D-N-D. And last but not least, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you to check out A Winkle in Time. That's A Winkle, W-I-N-K-L-E

in Time, which is an episodic comedy podcast about the Winklevoss twins rowing through the time stream to various points in history to carry out money-making schemes and defeat their nemesis, Mark Zuckerberg. This was made by some very funny friends of ours, and I encourage you to check it out. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.