SitcomD&D - S3 E5: Pocketful of Posers

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

In an attempt to make Chuck E Busters more productive, Mr. Tummy transfers Seb and Chip to the other location and replaces them with two, new personalities that challenge Chalice’s loyalty to her friends. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Story Concept by Elizabeth Andrews & Sean Coyle Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We're trying to avoid St. Patrick's Day as a birthday. That is not a birthday that we want to have. Racist. It's going to come right for you. It's coming for you. Just so you know, Sean, I'm actually one-eighth Irish. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I bet you threw that all over your college applications. Irish. Oh, okay. Yeah, I bet you threw that all over your college applications. So, as a result of that, we are expected to give birth anywhere from the next day, the 18th, until the 20th, which is Sean's birthday. Which is my birthday!

Me and baby! Oh, my goodness. Dude, if me and your baby have the same birthday, I am going to flip out. With rage. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, I'm going to be pissed.

Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we open inside Chucky Busters, formerly known as Bottoms Up. I always forget the name and then you say it and it's horrible. Where there are several families and a couple dozen kids running around, playing games, eating cheese dough, and trading tickets for prizes. You're all at your respective posts, which means, you know, Chip, you're working the games, Chalice baking up the cheese dough, Jennifer's managing the prize counter,

and Beef is managing Seb. In fact, Beef, you smell something that is most likely a poop that needs scooping in the ball pit. And we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup.

Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end

So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horton. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Oh, Seb.

I'm right here. What? Oh, Sebi boy. I think my toodle-toodle-age, my nost Smell a little stinky poo in the ball pit. Could you get to that? Hop to it. Chalice, what do you think are the odds that this poop is actually these? I'd say 100%. It's got a name tag on it. Also, Seb, I saw that you asked for time off this friday to go fishing i don't think that's going

to be happening here today or tomorrow or ever didn't you invite him to go fishing with you on friday yeah and he fell for it it's extremely cruel hey hey beef can you do me a favor really fast oh no can't do my schedule is booked with managerial duties i can't believe you never did any of this stuff i'm busy isn't that what you're calling your poop now managerial duties that's very cute very cute open your mouth because i'm gonna spit in it you piece of piece of oh that's your boss uh i don't care give me your tie i'm not wearing a tie it got stuck in the toilet and it slurped it off like a piece of spaghetti i'm not gonna laugh at the way you said spaghetti because I am your manager. Spaghetti.

I am your manager, and I don't laugh at a single thing. And I am a serious guy, and he's poking. Beef's poking him. That's my penis you're poking. Oh, is it? Chip and Chalice are fully not doing their jobs, and they're just standing in front of them laughing and eating popcorn. Ding dong.

Is anybody home? Ding dong. Nobody's home. I'm going to hit you on the head like a freaking nail, and I do one of those dunks on top of your head. Well, now you don't get any time off for wintertide or any of the following holidays. You don't get to decide that, all right? There's policies in place, and, you know, I'm doing skilled labor here, all right? So, like, you need to be taking, being a little bit nicer and not taking it for granted because

Bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite. Yeah, beef lunges, beef lunges, and tries to bite his neck. As these two are scrapping, Mr. Tummy has actually entered the establishment, sees what's going on, and tries to call a halt to this nonsense. Excuse, what is, what is happening here? Dirty mayonnaise. And he gets in between the two of you and kind of pushes you off of each other. What is the meaning of this? Explain yourselves.

He started it. He pooped in the ball pit and then put my name on it. That doesn't even make sense. You called it your managerial duty to do that. And it's your hieroglyphic handwriting on it. This has been happening for two weeks. Y'all can't get it together. This is a dysfunctional team and something has to change.

Maybe you should get rid of the dead weight around here. I'm not dead weight. What I do is freaking quit poking my penis. Well, don't worry, you two. Don't worry because this won't have to happen for too much longer. Because I'm announcing in this moment that transfers are going to take place.

Wait, what? Yes, transfers. It's quite necessary. You see, you two, Seb, Beef, you can't seem to stop fighting. It's not working. That's not true. And Beef punches his knees. Yes, they're the problem. That makes sense that they're the problem. Yeah, they could use

a little cool off from each other for sure. For sure. That totally makes sense. And... I'm out of here. And! What? Dude, just speak. Chip and Jealous, you're flirting all the time. Yeah, we're doing a good job. No, you're never working.

You're always flirting and ooh-hoo-hoo. Tee-hee-hee. Mr. Tummy, I have a girlfriend and she's real. It's been confirmed. Chip is literally giving Chalice a piggyback ride right now. A platonic piggy. And Chalice is braiding his hair. Yeah, this is strictly platonic. You're projecting.

Are you in love with Chip? Embarrassing, Mr. Tummy. Embarrassing. Yeah, I have a girlfriend, and I love her, actually. So you got to get over yourself. Okay, I don't care. This isn't working, okay? Now, listen.

Transfers are happening whether you like it or not. It's for the good of the business, and that's why we make decisions for the bottom line and for the shareholders. of the business, and that's why we make decisions for the bottom line and for the shareholders. So, Chip and Seb, you will be transferred to my second Chucky Buster's location and franchise. What? Hell yeah.

Effective tomorrow morning. Wait, we have to, like, move there and live there? That's correct. Yeah. Wait, Seb, why are you happy about this? The gang's breaking up. You can't do this, Mr. Tummy. You can't do this.

If you want to take your chances on the street, you know, by all means. But we provide you room and board and food and three square meals a day, so this is your only option, according to me. I hate to be the tough guy. I hate to be the tough guy. I don't know. I think you love it. It doesn't seem that way.

I love it, you sick freak-o. You're smiling in a scary way. You guys think I'm tough? No. No. Can we please stay with our friends? Well, then I'll show you who's tough! Tomorrow, two of you, Chip, Seb, you're going to the second location, and there will be

no buts about it. I hate to be the tough guy, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. He walks out of the room. What the heck? This is both of your fault for fighting so much. It's that time again. Who wants to learn the Chucky Busters dance? Pretend you're eating some cheese.

Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys. You put your hands on your knees and have an allergy While I play on these reeds Now this one here is an absolute must Church your face up to the sky and scream I'm on a bus Now cha-cha once

Great, now let's try it together Pretend you're eating some cheese Then put your hands on your knees And then get ready to scream I'm on a, cha-cha! Seb, now I don't get to live with you anymore. Who's gonna make beef sandwiches? I don't know how to cook. You're the cook!

You're the chef, Chalice. The next morning, Beef and Chalice are outside sort of waving with like handkerchiefs. Yes. Like they're about to get on an old timey train and they're all sort of dressed accordingly. Like they're not, they know they're not going to see each other for a while. They're both in dresses. Yeah. Yeah.

Seven Chip are in full like tan suits with paper boy caps and canvas suitcases. Yes, exactly. You guys are being weird again. Cut it out. This is your fault.

You did this to us. You did this. You made us weird. You made us do this. You're out of earshot now. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye now.

Goodbye. Goodbye now. Goodbye. Right. Now, back inside. Back now. Goodbye now. Goodbye. Right. Now, back inside. Back inside. Come on. The second franchise isn't even that far away.

It's in the same town. Goodness. They're our best friends. You wouldn't know anything about that. I know I, like, hate Sepp, but I actually love Sepp. And I miss him. It's okay, Beef. Guess what?

Look at me. And Chalice leans down and is blotting his tears. Hey, we still got each other. We're also best friends. You know what? Just because we're down a couple people doesn't mean we don't have each other. I always have your back, and I love you forever. I promise.

And I'm here, too. Jesus, Jennifer, whoa. We still got each other and that's what's most important of all. Great. I think I gotta go over there now. Actually, before you do go over there,

I gotta say, I love that all of y'all are so close when it comes to your co-workers. And I know you're going to miss your friends. But guess what? Mr. Tommy's got a surprise for you. What? You're about to meet your two new co-workers and potential new best friends.

Transfers from the other Chucky Busters that weren't working so well over there either. So this is a grand transfer mix-up of the talent to get things a little more streamlined and working a little better. So without further ado, here are your new co-workers. Why don't you come on in and introduce yourselves? My character's name is aladdin nash uh aladdin nash uh wears gloves filled with milk to keep his hand skin supple he's only working this job because it's the only way that dad will keep pumping money into the trust fund. Oh, I hate work and I hate calluses.

Sun is scary. And I'll be playing Nicolette Reese's Puff. She's got long hair, but it's long curly hair that mostly covers her face. You can barely see her eyes. But when you get a glimpse of one, it always changes what color it is. So you can't ever really tell. She wears short everything.

Short skirt, short shirt, short sleeves, short hat, short shoes, short socks. And you never see her at nighttime. Now, what does that mean, Malise? What are you trying to imply there? You'll see. Okay. Yes, so these are your two very normal new coworkers, and I assume they will assimilate swimmingly.

So I don't know, why don't you, you can all get to know each other and maybe share a fun fact or something. Hi, everybody. This is Jennifer. She's a rat. This is Beef. Oh, disgusting.

No last name. And my name is Chalice Glass. Not the Chalice Glass. Wait, aren't you the princess that dumped that prince and made him literally marry a worm? That was inspiring. What? It was so freaking cool. Oh my God, your hair is beautiful.

Whoa. Really? Yes. Oh, hi, I'm Nicolette, Reese's Puff. And I'm Aladdin. Wow, you two smell so good. I haven't been around anyone who smells good in like forever. What do I smell like?

Bad. Barf? Go away. Yeah, Jennifer, you do kind of smell like barf. What the f***? Oh my God, you're so right. She does smell like barf. Oh my God.

Totally rancid. Go away, rancid creature. This is the weirdest little dog I've ever seen. Moo, interrupt. Hi, guys. Oh, God. It's another dog. As your guys' manager, I just wanted to introduce myself.

I'm the manager. Our what? Beef. Your manager. I don't get what's happening what's this child doing i want to explain mr tommy tommy to me i'll explain to you and to everyone um you know of course i'm the general manager of not one but two franchises and um i'm going to make sure that the other franchise is getting off to a great start so i'm leaving beef here in charge as

the day manager so for the time being you will all report to beef and um beef remember um there is a very important birthday party coming it's a lavish von frufru's grandson's ninth birthday, so we need that to go well today. Aye, aye, Captain. Beef puts up a salute sign and salutes. Yes, yes, no need for that, but I'm glad that you're all getting along. Hip, hip.

Hooray! Keep it up. And, yes, very good. I'll see you soon. All right, leave, old man. So cool. see you soon all right leave old man so cool yeah like bye old man what was that um nothing you heard her yeah go away freaking little turd man cool cool how did someone so cool like you end up at a place like what are you doing here yeah like i'm sorry i'm just gonna apologize right off the bat. It's awful. I know.

I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah. I'm here sort of as, like, an experiment joke, like, sort of as, like, a bit, because I'm like, isn't it so funny that I work here? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I'm doing that too, right?

Right? Yeah, it's, like, funny to work. Totally. Nicolette was just saying that on the way over here. Oh, my God. Me and Aladdin were just talking about how it's funny that it's like money to work totally nicolette was just saying that on the way yes i was just oh my god me and aladdin were just talking about how it's funny that it's a joke yeah like my dad just like owns 10 of chunky dumpsters or whatever the this is called like i'm not like i don't like i don't want to do this like but it's totally totally, totally, totally, totally. Oh, Chalice, I almost forgot. Hey, still here. You are in charge of the birthday cake

for Lavish Von Foo Boo's. Huh. And Chalice, can I use my new second level spell suggestion on beef? Yeah. Attack save. Wisdom 13. I got a 14 and my wisdom is zero. Oh, just beat it out. Hey, beef.

Why don't you make the cake and leave us alone? Oh, my God. Good one. Nice try, little missy. But you're going to have to be cooking up in the kitchen if I'm gonna have to put up these streamers. Can you buzz off, maybe? Yeah, freaking bumblebee ass. Oh my god, good one.

Yeah, Beef, can you like, I don't know. Oh, the dog's back. Do I look like a dog? I don't know. You look like a poor animal. Here, how about you just trust us, and then later today, the three of us will bring you a cake or whatever.

Yeah, sure. We'll do that. Okay. But, okay. Yeah, that seems fair. I'll just be over here. Huh? I, like, really love your vest.

My vest? Thank you. You look, like, really cute in that vest, Beef. Thanks, I got it on sale from the dirt. I found it on the ground on sale. Beef, will you get us some waters? Oh, I'm parched. Oh, sure, yeah.

Please. Got it. I'll go get the waters. Why am I getting the waters for him as he's going to do it? So anyways, gang, what do you do? Chalice keeps

shrugging. Can't quite find the ends of her sentences. And doesn't really know how to stand or lean. So what are we even, like, what does, yeah. Do you guys want to see me brush my hair? Oh, my God. Yes. I gotta know how that happens.

How do we get to that? Cool. Yes. Take us there, please. And they run up the stairs like little kids out of Playdate. And as they run up, Beef comes out with three waters for my... Aw. I'll drink them. Okay, Jennifer, but I'm afraid you're going to drown if you drink all three.

I'll try. She's not stopping. She's not stopping. She's still going. Half of one. What is this? Ben's new talent show? Nice. Patreon.com.

Patreon.com. So let's check in upstairs in Chalice's room with the three of them. $999 and $1,000. Oh, wow, you start at $860. That's cool. Nicolette, should we ask? Ask what?

I mean, it's almost assumed at this point, but I guess we have to say just to make it official. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Just to make it official. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. So Nicolette and I, we're kind of forming this kind of counterculture group.

We call ourselves the Posers. We pose for paintings. We pose for paintings. People come up to us on the streets and ask us to pose all the time. So we're the Posers. Whoa. We're like, can you come to this family meal and pretend to be my spouse so I can get back at my mean brother? Like, just stuff like that.

We're always getting posed. Multiple meanings. That's so cool. The only time I've been in a painting in the last year was on the portrait downstairs where I'm farting and it's horrible. Oh, the one where it like ripped through the wall? Whatever. Wait, was that true?

Because that was awesome. That was so cool. You think wall? Whatever. Wait, was that true? Because that was awesome. That was so cool. You think so? Yes. Oh my gosh. When women fart and they just, you know, it's like so powerful.

I think it's really special. I've been trying, you know, it's like a mold I've been trying to break. Yeah, no, Nicola and I were actually just talking about this. We were just talking about this. On our way over here.

We were just, oh my God, you have to join us. This had just come up. It just came up. This is amazing. The guys that I'm with are always laughing at me and treating me not like a princess. Ew. What? Why? Yeah, they just treat me like

a person, like an equal. It's so weird. Ew, no. Put you on a pedestal. And then step on their heads as you climb higher. As you deserve. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay, I would love to be a poser. Tell me what I have to do. Well, as you can see, we wear short things on Wednesdays. So we are wearing short things today. Fourth thing Wednesday. Get it? First thing Wednesday. Get it?

Chalice just immediately grabs, like, shears and cuts what she's wearing to be super short. Done. Wow. You weren't supposed to look better than me. What the heck? Yeah, I'm just kidding. I'm playfully mad at you. Cool. What else?

Well, we like to, I don't know, what's the best term to say this? Talk shit about other people all the time. Yes. Like, I know that that's a rat, but I just keep on calling it a dog. You know? Oh, yeah. That's so funny. I'm fully aware.

Yeah. I thought you thought it was a dog. That's awesome. I feel like I haven't done that since I was a teen and I was super duper sad, but I think I could maybe try it again. Oh, when you're an adult, it's cool. Yeah, it's really cool. Let's see.

And then we also, we hate going outside and we always have a parasol with us because we hate the sunlight. Yeah, and you're also never going to see me at night. Why? Oh, that's just a me thing. Yeah, that's really just Nicolette. It's like so random and funny

so cool so cool um yeah so i wish there was like more cute people for us to flirt with around here um as opposed to the zero that are here currently yeah oh my gosh i mean beef's pretty popular amongst people but like yeah totally totally totally Yeah, I don't see it. And there was this lame guy, like, blah, blah, blah, guy who's so gross. I just left, so it's a good thing you guys dodged him. He was so, so gross. So lame, so lame. Yeah, we were actually just talking

about that on the way here. Oh my god, yes, yes. Oh my god, we were just talking about that on our way here. Oh my god. I feel like it's a pretty short walk to the other location. It's so crazy how much topics you covered. We cover a lot of ground. That's so cool.

All right, who wants the hairbrushed? Me, me, me, me, me. Me do, me do, me do. And meanwhile, downstairs, Lavish Von Frufru is arriving with his grandson and the entire party. Was Lavish Von Frufru from the Narroway Guild?

A billion points to Waleed Mansur. Wait, what's the current point total? I didn't even know we were keeping points for callbacks. Waleed's got a billion, and everybody else I think is at zero. Whoa, so this is high stakes for beef. Lavish Von Frufru enters. at zero whoa so this is high stakes for beef lavish fan fufu enters hello i'm here for matthew's birthday party beef um comes from the bathroom with and he has a toilet paper stuck to his foot but it goes all the way into the bathroom the whole way oh hello hello oh so we are so excited to have you here at truckie busters aren't we everybody no one's here uh yes we are so excited to have you what

and this is your grandson hello little boy how boy. How old are you turning? I'm turning nine. Nine is a big deal. You're going to have the best birthday party here. I am? I promise. Here, there's a fun game right over here. Whack-a-whack-a-rat or whack-a-mole or something. It's called Whack-a-Gnome. You don't even know the name of the games. Yeah, have fun. Here's a bunch of coins. Get going, kids. As you throw a bunch of tokens at the kids, they all scream excitedly.

Those kids love coins. But at this point, Beef, you're realizing, okay, you're definitely going to need some more help, and you've got to get the rest of the crew. Beef knocks on Chalice's door. Hey, uh... No one's here!

Oh my god! You're freaking slaying me! You literally just answered me coming in. Hi, guys. What? And they're all just sort of staring at Beef. Well, and then Beef starts getting, like, flop sweat like when teenagers are, like, when you see teenagers walking towards you and you're like, oh no, they're going to like tear me apart.

Every day. Yeah, he's wringing his wrists. Well, Mr. Tummy said that you guys work here. Can you get to the point? point beef you look like really cute today oh my god oh my god thank you uh you guys you guys thank you so much he does a little twirl you think you think i like the accessory that you have is that toilet paper on your foot oh yeah oh my god this thing keeps following me everywhere. It's trying to shake it off. I don't know how to... Anyways, thanks for stopping by, cutie.

I don't know, guys. I could really use your help down there. There's a lot of kids. Well, we were talking, and instead of those, like, puppets that smoke and yell at us, we were thinking that maybe we could put on a show.

We're in a new group, and it's called The Posers, and we've been choreographing a dance up here and it's really sexy and it's really edgy. And I just think, yeah, it's sensual.

Yeah, they were just talking about starting a band on the way here. On the way over here. They were just talking about that. And so it's actually perfect timing and we thought we would show the dance downstairs if that's okay.

Okay. Okay. But we need time to prepare. So if you could just leave and give us some time to like. How much? Until we're done. Yeah. Until we're done.

Okay. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This could take a while. Okay. Let's go. Five, sorry. I'm sorry. This could take a while. Okay, let's go. Five, six.

Jennifer, actually, girlfriend, we only have enough costumes for three. The posers are the three. It's three. It can only be three. Sorry, girl. Mama said it'd be days like this. It'd be days like this.

Jenny, listen to me. Jenny, listen to me. And he getting beef meals down. They're outside their door that's shut now. Jenny, I need you to make the best birthday cake you've ever made in your goddamn life. Will a pot of orange work? If it tastes like cake, yes. Let's check back in downstairs.

Lavish Von Frufru is kind of looking in all directions in a panic for anyone who works there. Hello? Anyone? Little clown man? Oh, right here. And Beef comes tumbling down the stairs and gets just fully enwrapped in a bunch of toilet paper. Right here, right here, right here. I don't know if someone told you that the theme was poopy napkins, gets just fully enwrapped in a bunch of toilet paper. Right here, right here, right here. I don't know if someone told you that the theme was poopy napkins, but it's certainly not.

The theme was supposed to be Knights of the Round Table. Oh, our cauldrons must have gotten crossed there. When is there going to be the happy birthday song and the birthday cake? And, of course, when are we going to see Chucky Buster himself? It's why we came to the establishment. Matthias needs to see Chucky Buster, the giant rat. Of course, of course, of course, sir. Right away, right away, right on that.

And Beef runs across the bottoms up slash Chucky Buster's into the kitchen. Toilet paper following the whole way jennifer it's just all over the house i need you i need you right now i need you i'm kind of in the middle of making a cake thing yeah once you're finished doing that, which, by the way, thank you, I need you to get into the mascot suit, okay? The big rat suit. I'm way too small. That thing's huge. You're right. Thinking, thinking,

no thoughts, no thoughts, now I'm thinking. Oh! Oh, what is it? Maybe it's the same. Should we say it at the same time? Yes. Three, two, one. Mega rat.

I control all the rats. Yeah, big rats. So many rats inside of it. And we're all hundreds of rats in one big rat costume. We were on the same page. I think we're becoming better friends this episode. Okay, there's no time. Okay.

I think we're becoming better friends this episode. Okay, there's no time. Okay. All the kids are gathered around a center table, a circular table, and they have little night crowns on and stuff that Labish Von Frufru and company and the parents brought from home, and they are banging on the table asking for the cake to be delivered by chuck e buster himself chuck e buster chuck e buster chuck e buster and out of the kitchen comes what looks like a some sort of person in a giant rat mascot costume as they're balancing this cake that is very orange looking.

I'm going to roll for Jennifer's control over the other rats. And if you recall, this was brought up in a previous episode. Jennifer has like, she's basically ratatouilleing two rats below her. She has one hand on each rat's head. And then those two rats are ratatouilleing two other rats and so on and so forth until you have Jennifer essentially in control of about 200 rats. I believe that a law was passed to make this illegal. Let's see here. Not the first time Jennifer is breaking the law.

Let's see here. Not the first time Jennifer is breaking the law. Jennifer and the rats are moving with the cake. It's a lot to try to balance. And as they get a little bit closer, Jennifer slips. The cake hits the side of the table and explodes over the top of the table. And then Chucky Buster's head falls off and 200 rats pour out.

Oh no! This is actually a great time for our live performance. No one look over at the rats coming out. Everyone turn your eyes to the main event.

Hey, guys, what do you want to call yourselves? What do you call yourselves? The Posers. The Posers. Come on. We already told you. Okay. Also, can we do tech?

Are we going to have a sound check or anything, or do we just kind of have to jump into this? You're going to have to improvise. We start clapping and snapping. No, the acoustics are really weird in here. I guess you just got to power through Aladdin. Gang, we're ready. I promise.

Yeah, actually, I was just thinking that we're actually ready. Yeah, we actually were talking on the way over here about the fact that I think we are ready. Oh, cool, cool. And now introducing the Posers. What's up, bitches and motherfuckers? You've heard of losers. You've heard of nerds. But have you ever heard of the opposite?

It's the Posers. Bitches, bitches, bitches, bitches. And then, like, it is two minutes of mostly swears. And then you... And then you ask... Tits, tits, tits, tits. That's the way we do it. Ooh.

Ooh. Bitch. Bitch. Posers. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, You dickheads. Tida. Should we roll? Yeah, why don't you guys all three roll for performance? I got a real dice here today. Now, not because of the performance itself, but because of the audience perception of it. There are kids here, so this may not be their jam. You're going to have to roll at disadvantage. I did 19 plus 3.

Incredible. That's with disadvantage? Yeah, that's with disadvantage. I did a nat 20, and then I did 19 plus 3. Incredible. That's with disadvantage? Yeah, that's with disadvantage. I did a nat 20 and then I did a 19. Holy. I mean, that makes sense. I fucking killed it. Do you not hear me?

Yeah. You nailed it. You nailed it. The kids go bananas. They love it. Which honestly is probably a worse situation. The parents are furious. They are so impressed with the performance, but they're pissed because their kids are just going,

Fuck, shit, tit, tit, tit. Everybody fucking me. You want more, assholes? Everybody now. Well, the posers will give you more. Sing with us. Enough. Enough.

Oh. This is a child's birthday party. It is? Read the room. Are you kidding me? You little clown man. Yes. Looking like a mummy up in here.

Dumbass. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Wrapped in toilet paper. I have never been more offended and furious in my life. You listen to me. I'll give you one more chance. For real?

It's my other grandson's birthday tomorrow. It just so happens to work out that way, and I got a two-for-one deal. So I'll tell you what. You get one more chance to make this right tomorrow. Incredible. Or I will make sure that I buy this bar, okay, and burn it to the ground, your little hovel. So tomorrow, we're going to try this again with my other grandson, the one I like a little more. You have until then.

Kids, come on! grandson the one i like a little more you have until then kids come on um the posers are backstage sort of with like towels and like having that post-show adrenaline you were both incredible um i can't even believe what you did out there that way you did it like a hundred times better than when we were rehearsing what was that really? Possessed by a sexy, freaking awesome dancer person. And you don't get paid to do that? Like that's not your job? No. People around here are just like, what they mostly do is like they get feelings for someone else and have girlfriends you think are fake.

And then they turn out to be real. And then when they fall in love right away and you can see them falling in love, your self-worth sort of tanks. So that's sort of like the vibe around here. Jerks. Yeah. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. This is a much better vibe.

Y'all are stars. That was amazing. We should go on tour. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Anything to get away from that little beef guy. Oh, my ears are burning. Are you guys talking about me?

Hi, guys. No, your ears are on fire oh yeah oh oh he uses the toilet paper to stamp it out wow today has been a day um anyway gang um i was thinking as a post show celebration What if you two came over for a slumber party, a classic princess slumber party in my room tonight? Um, yes. Um, yes. Like, duh. So cool.

Looking forward to it the normal amount. Oh, I'm so glad for just the three of us to hang out with each other. Yeah. That's so fun, that'll be great. I can't wait to tuck you all in. I always tuck Chalice in at night, so it'll be fun to tuck all three of you in.

Actually, Beef, I think we're good on the tuck in. It's going to be kind of cramped in there, so you'd probably feel better down here, cutie. You don't want to, but you always want to kiss on the forehead and for me to check underneath your bed. Chalice has already turned and is talking to her new friends.

We should make a fake handshake tonight at the slumber party. A fake one? A fake one. What did I mean to say? I don't know, but I like. No, let's do a fake. Let's do so ironic. What did I mean?

I still can't think of what I meant. No, no, no. Chels, you're so of what I meant. No, I want to know. It's a secret. No, no, no. Chelsea, you're so right. I meant the word secret, but yeah. Such a fake one. But Chelsea said fake, and I just love that intuition that you have to just say what's

on your mind. Fake handshake for sure. Wow. I was feeling real low before the two of you showed up because no one really got it. I was feeling so depressed and lonely, but this is awesome. We were just talking about that on the way here, how you felt lonely. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God. No way. But you bloomed like a freaking daffodil in spring. Y'all, I need to show you a shortcut back over there because you are taking the wrong route. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge?

Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience, it's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give Better Help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot

with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. slash sitcom D&D. Nicola, I'm going to be so sad when you have to leave right after dusk. It's going to be so frustrating. I'm having so much fun with you. I know. I'm having such a blast.

I promise you will see me as soon as the sun comes up. And that's all that we need to know about that. Yeah. So we could, hmm, we could play truth or dare. could brush my hair again we could sit in silence we could compliment me oh you know what we could do what speaking of beef i'll add me getting what i'm yeah um we do this thing and maybe you've heard of it, where we just like really just scorch earth and we lay in and say really mean things and we put it into a book. We call it our flaming pamphlet. And that's flaming with a PH.

So it's an alliteration. Oh, my gosh. It's all true. Everything is true. 100% true. And it's this little piece of paper that's on fire in your hand. Yeah, but it never burns. That's the cool part.

It's got like a spell on it. So it never burns away. Who should we talk about, gang? Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Hey, it's Beef. Just bringing you your night snacks you requested. Hey, cutie.

Thanks. Oh, sorry. These have salt. I don't like salt. I actually can't have nighttime snacks. Oh. Okay. Chalice? Um, bye.

Oh, bye. I'll just take the snacks. Snacks downstairs. So, where were we? We should do beef. Mm-hmm. You have to do beef You have to Oh my gosh it would be so good if you did beef

Yes that beef And we don't have much time until dusk You have to do it right now Can't really think of anything I have to leave soon Beef Tucks me in and like comes to my bed If there's a thunderstorm So we both don't get nightmares.

Girlie, you can do better than that. Yeah, go meaner. Beef is so funny and he's my favorite person to talk to when I'm bored. Nicolette is turning translucent. Oh, okay. Beef is a great confidant and someone I would trust with my life. Oh, okay.

Maybe you just don't get it. Oh, no, no. I totally get it. Beef is super insecure now that he can't sing anymore. It's sort of like that was his entire personality. Yes.

A zing. Yes, that's so good. What else? Oh, my God. I'm going to throw up. I love that so much. What else? Oh my gosh. I'm going to throw up. I love that so much. Beef's a loser and stinks. Untalented, stinky, stinky loser.

Beef sucks. Oh my gosh. And you see the words burning into the pamphlet. Beef hasn't had a real relationship the whole time I've been here. Oh my gosh. And Beef couldn't even get into the narrow way guild. Yeah, I think that's like

she's listening a lot. She's listening a lot. Elizabeth coming in to defend Beef. Elizabeth walks in. Yeah, I think that was a lot. That was a lot. Chalice's like hands are shaking, like her adrenaline's going.

And pretty much immediately Chalice regrets everything she just said. There's like something in the pit of her stomach that knew that was bad. She didn't really mean any of that. And when Chalice comes out of that, like, you know, almost that fugue state of just, like, that adrenaline rush, that what did I just do, what did I just say, Nicolette is now fully disappeared from the room.

And Aladdin has now rolled over and is getting ready to kind of doze off. And you realize that it's the end of the night and Chalice scuffs out the last candle and lays awake. Chalice looks over at the pamphlet and the words burned in and she looks at the ceiling and it's starting to thunder and lightning outside and she knows that Beef will probably not

come in to check on her and she cries herself to sleep. So then, Dawn peeks in through the window. Oh! Good morning, Nicolette. Good morning. Nicolette. Good morning. I'm dying.

Good morning. You guys have fun without me? Sorry about that. You know I can't be awake without you there. Went to bed right when you... Knock, knock. Hey, guys. I don't want to hear any i don't want to hear any

meanie mean comments all right this is an important day no ifs ands or buts uh we need you on deck for this next party all right so everyone get your ass downstairs cool uh we'll come up with another dance that was a huge hit oh yeah that'd be so fun. Literally anything. Any help at all. Alright gang, what should we do to help out? I was thinking maybe we could make the cake as a joke. That's pretty good.

Maybe I just don't get that joke but I think that we gotta get beef. Get him a present? No, I'm not talking about getting him a present or purchasing steaks. I'm talking about we gotta get beef. Get him a present? No, I'm not talking about getting him a present or purchasing steaks. I'm talking about we gotta prank his little butt. Cool. What are you

thinking, prank-wise? Like something really light? Yes, definitely less than his death. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, below that. In a social sense, maybe that it is death. Yes, like that. Like in a social sense, maybe that it is death.

Yes, like a social death would be good. Yeah, social death would be great. Oh, yeah, cool. What are you thinking? Okay, so you know the mascot costume? We fill it with glue, trap door into the suit with the glue. I'm doing a bad job.

Nicolette, can you help me out here? You guys were probably talking about this on the way over. We were just talking about this. I'm doing a bad job. Nicolette, can you help me out here? You guys were probably talking about this on the way over. We were just talking about this. I don't know how to sum it up. We were talking about it on the way here. It's like B falls into suit, glued into suit forever, and B is a giant rat now. Dies a rat.

Yeah, that's... Dies as a rat then. Sounds like he could get really hurt. Less than death though. Less than death, I promise. Less than death though. Less than death. I promise. Social death. Totally.

I love that. I love that idea. Yeah. I mean, like you said, he's an untalented loser. So this isn't really going to hurt him that much.

Yeah. We cut to upstairs. Jennifer. Knock, knock, knock. Beef. Starting to try to upstairs, Jennifer. Knock, knock, knock. Beef? Starting to try to get things ready.

What's that flaming thing in your hand? You've never seen one of these before, have you? Whoa, what is it? How many has Beef seen? I used to see these all the time in my teenage years. Oh. They rip you apart. You sound sad.

Well, and then Beef turns it so that Jennifer can see it, that there's a picture of his face. It's like a really zoomed in picture of just his head and his wonky eye is like really wonky. Whoa. This is some really mean stuff they said about you on here. Yeah. I can't even read it, but I know.

I know what it is. It's signed by Chalice. No. No. Damn! She scorched your ass! She got you good! Chalice wouldn't do that.

What do you think those f***ers said about me, huh? They probably got me good, too. Oh, your face isn't in here at all. Wait. No. That's so funny. Yeah, I've looked through the whole thing. Oh, man.

Okay, we cut back downstairs, and the trap is effectively set. There is a trap door with an X marks the spot on the ground that you three are aware of that when weight is applied, it will give way and the person standing on the trap door will fall into the bottom half of the Chucky Buster rat suit filled with glue. And you have the other half suspended from the ceiling out of eyesight ready to also drop when it's triggered on the top of the person gluing them in beef comes down the stairs after seeing the flaming pamphlet and he's looking pretty grave and he um walks up to charles hey jealous um could i talk to you in my office for a second? Uh, sure. Beef's never said that before ever,

so she knows that something's off. He's never referred to his office as his office. And he shuts the door behind her. Uh, I just wanted to say, um, I read what you wrote about me in the flaming pamphlet, and, um, it's okay. Uh,

you must be going through a really hard time with that. Everything that happened with the wedding and calling it off and, and, and you're finding your own way. And I'm just so proud of you. Uh, you're so, you're so brave.

And, um, I just want to let you know that I love you and that i'm still here for you if you ever needed to talk dallas is too stunned to move or speak hello hello we're here we're here oh it sounds like lavish is coming in i come out of the office to greet lavish and i have a a trail of toilet paper stuck to my foot the whole time I'm walking over to him. You weren't even in the bathroom. I wasn't even in the bathroom.

What the hell? Hello? Where's that little clown man? We're here for round two with my favorite grandson, Tobias. Oh, right here, sir. Right here, sir. And he's coming bounding out of the office with toilet paper on the bottom of his foot.

Okay, not a good sign. Off to a pretty similar start. Can you, Mr. Clown Man, give us a little rundown, if you will, of today's events to get Tobias and his little friends here excited for what we can expect and how it'll be different from yesterday. Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Lavish. Well, well, we, um, the team has been hard at work. Oh, Beef, Beef. Beef.

Mr. Beef, you actually, you should probably say this from the stage. We were just talking about this. Announce it to everybody. Yeah, we were actually just talking about this. You should actually say it from the stage. Say it from the stage. We were just talking about this. Announce it to everybody. Yeah, we were actually just talking about this. Just, just, just talking about this. You should actually say it from the stage. Say it from the stage. We actually put a mark for you, so now you know where your mark is,

and you can just, it's perfect. Right here, the acoustics are great. That's so nice of you, Aladdin and Glet. Yeah, we're freaking nice. We're so nice.

Wow, all right. Well, Beef walks over to the stage, and he's walking up the stairs, and he's walking towards the X. And Chalice comes out of the office. Oh. No! That's my best friend!

And she runs, and she pushes Beef out of the path of the trap door. Whoa! Should I roll or something? Yeah, you should roll for athletics. Should I roll you something? You should roll for athletics. Okay, I rolled a two plus one. Okay, so you rolled a three. So in slow motion, Chalice is yelling, no, that's my best friend,

jumps, pushes Beef out of the way of the trap door, but in doing so, stumbles and steps exactly on where the trap door is, flies right through the trap door down into gluey pants, gluey rat pants. Hands first? Yes. Yes. Hands first. So your hands are now in rat feet and then it's not a split second later that you feel on top of your toes because you're doing a handstand right now uh the head of chucky

buster himself and you are vacuum sealed in glue into a chucky Busters costume upside down. Chalice is so disoriented that she starts to just start, like, running around on her hand and then flips upside down and, like, an animal starts, like, running around the bar and is scaring the shit out of these kids, I assume. That's what I said before! And Beef's laughing. That's it? No, I'm not giving this a second chance.

Or should I say third chance? You're going to rue the day, little clown man. You're getting a bad comment in the comment box from me. And he crumples up a piece of paper and puts it in the comment box. Where's her voice coming from on this body hold on let me think from the crotch gotta be the crotch from the crotch of chucky buster you hear that's it a bad comment that's the worst you could do that's fine you know what that's fine you can't beef's the best manager. And again, the scratch is talking.

Beep's the best manager this place has ever seen other than Seb. They're equally good to each other. And you are lucky to have him here today. Do you know how hard he worked for your two grandkids? One that you like and one that you like even more? Huh? Huh? You're lucky. And the legs start poking him in the chest. Huh? Yeah. You know what? You're lucky. And the legs start poking him in the chest.

Huh? Yeah. You know what? You're lucky. Beef's the best guy I know. Best guy I know. And those two up there on the stage are idiots. And they didn't help at all, including me. I'm also an idiot. And I didn't help Beef.

Do not put that comment in there, sir. It won't make the world a better place. I promise you that. Hmm. Well, promise you that. Hmm. Well, tell you what. If you don't make me pay for any of this, we can just kind of forget it.

Wash it under the table. Done. Shake my foot. We're on Van Foo Foo Names on a bit of a hard time. People are on to the rich around here. We don't do much, and we kind of just rest on our laurels, and it seems like maybe our time is up. So this is not good.

So, yeah, this would be appreciated. And you know what? Stop sitting on people named Laurel. They deserve better. And you two. And she starts pointing her feet at the two of them. What are you, a vampire? What goes on at night?

Just say it. Don't be coy about it. You don't see me at night. Whatever. That's not even the point of what I'm trying to say. Beef is my best friend, and it's my fault.

I take total accountability for being sucked into your little mean world. But you know what? I think you two are know what? I think you two are mean and I think you can be better. I don't know who hurt you, but this is not going to help your life. Listen, I understand this, Chalice, but you said those mean things, okay? Maybe we egged you on, but that was you that said those things. You're completely right. It was me,

but I'm not going to keep it going. I'm not going to be mean to you too. I'm not going to make this a whole thing. Beef, I'm so sorry I said those things. I don't mean it at all. You're a way better friend than me, and I look up to you. I try to be more like you every single day. I'm so sorry I let everyone down. This is totally my fault, everyone. Agreed. Agreed. And Jennifer, I'm sorry that you weren't even included at all I know you think all press is good press yeah can you just scorch me real quick Jennifer you're such a ass yeah now we're bopping

beef do you forgive me beef gets up on a table and he puts a sweet little hand on the crotch of the rat, assuming that's where Chalice's face is. Of course I forgive you, Chalice. Of course. I love you, Beef. I'm sorry. I love you, and I'm sorry. Wait, I'm not sorry.

I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, don't be sorry. You didn't do anything. You're amazing. Yeah, you're right. I love you and I'm sorry. Wait, I'm not sorry. I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, don't be sorry. You didn't do anything. You're amazing. Yeah, you're right. I love you. I love you. And as my first act of managerial duty,

I fire Aladdin, Nash, and Nicolette Reese's Puffs. Didn't think I would do that, huh? No, it kind of seemed, I'm not surprised at all. You kind of suck and I don't like you. Yeah, I really don't even need this job. I don't know why you think, I'm not coming around to you guys. I'm still, I'm still me.

No character development for you? No, I'm on here probably one time. I am not going to develop. Well, now that you said that, you know you're coming back. Now that you said that. Good luck getting me. Better not be nighttime.

It's going to be at nighttime, bitch. No, better not be because you can't see me at night. Am I going to die in this costume? There's a 40-50, 40-50. A 10% chance left of what? And Chalice and Beef are just nodding at each other. They know what the other one means. Okay, well, now that the kids are gone,

can we just get one more rendition for old time's sake? Sure. Hit it, y'all. Chalice takes one of the crowns from the Knights of the Round Table party and starts breaking it and throwing it to everybody in the crown, which makes no sense in context. We didn't set that up at all.

And there's nobody there. And there's nobody there. They all left. Hey, motherfuckers and bitches. You've heard of nerds. You've heard of losers. But have you heard of a group of friends that's inclusive, forgiving, and kind to each other? F*** you.

Woo! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song, Elizabeth and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Barr did the editing on this one. Oh, and y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 50 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is Vanderpump Rules

Drama, where Elizabeth walks Aaron through the elaborate interweavings of the Vanderpump Rules Drama web. But that is not all. I'm also releasing weekly episodes of my comic book Skyless on the Patreon. I am so proud of this project and this sci-fi fantasy coming of age story we're telling. And if for nothing else, I think it's worth checking out for Chris Kirk's incredible artwork. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D.

That's sitcom and the letters D-N-D. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.