SitcomD&D - S3 E7: Twinterns (w/ Review Revue)

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

In anticipation for a very important party, Mr. Tummy hires two twin interns (Reilly Anspaugh and Alfred Bardwell-Evans) whose quirkiness and ineptitude puts the gang's patience and sanity to the test. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Guest Stars: Reilly Anspaugh & Alfred Bardwell-Evans Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Ben Briggs Edited by: Grace Harper  Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I was asking you, Riley, and you, Alfred, how y'all knew each other. And it was like one of the first times you actually started hanging out. Was that via D&D? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, so basically there was Riley begged me and begged the other people who were part of this campaign to let me join. No, no, no. Asked.

I asked them to let you because I'm like, oh, he's a sophomore and we're seniors and he's like, we're so cool and older. Oh, can he please, like, why not throw him a bone? And Alf was outside the door like begging on my friend's friend's apartment, being like, please, you guys. That's literally how he sounded. That's literally how he sounded. But it was really tragic, actually, because, like, within a matter of weeks, they were, like, more my friends than hers. No, that's literally not true. That's not true.

That's not true. That's not true. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today we're picking up inside Chucky Buster's. And Chucky Buster's is empty for the most part because it hasn't opened yet. And everyone's getting ready for work before the morning announcements are made by the manager, Mr. Tummy. And you guys actually noticed that even though it's the beginning of a long workday, two people are pretty excited about it, seemingly,

and are having a lot of fun and kind of giggling off in the corner. And that's Seb and Gidget. So why don't we pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! at the noble bottoms up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy

day. We're in different worlds with different strokes but good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy.

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Oh my gosh,get you should write opinion pieces you're so funny funny did you say funny i did say funny what's wrong with me you should write oh what should you write you should write like jokes on like popsicle sticks oh my god God. You'd be so good at that. Okay. Okay. I got one. Make a house with this. Okay. Wait.

Because it's wooden? I don't know. Maybe I'm just workshopping. Can I talk to you guys for a second? Yes, please. Anything. Just anything that's different than that. What the fuck is going on?

Yeah, I don't know. It's freaking me out. I've never seen Sab blush before. I think he's in L-O-V-E. Ooh. Chip, don't spell stuff so I don't know what you're saying. Oh, I was doing that

for Beef's benefit as well. So I was mostly just talking to Chalice there. Well, actually, I did know what you were spelling there because those night schools are really paying off. You just sleep in the hallway. That's all you're doing. You're not learning. I'm the one in school.

You are sleeping. You get that, right? Through obsmosis, I'm hearing I get the information. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Hey, Jennifer, can I talk to you over here for a second? Oh, sure, girlie. What's up? What the fuck is going on with those two?

I think that they, those two, might be in QLRFM. We don't have to do this. Okay, I'm just going to go sit over in the corner and rip napkins. Okay, everyone. All right. All right. Great. I need everyone's attention before we kick off the big day here at Chucky Busters.

I'm a little out of sorts. I'm a little stressed today because today is a very, very big, important day. OK, for those of you. Why? Well, I'm getting to that. I thought I didn't know if you were going to explain or not. So I figured I'd. Well, of course, I'm going to fucking explain. OK, I'm sorry. I'm a little out of sorts today. Why? And it's because, okay. Duke Leonard Hofstadler, okay, very rich, very rich man, okay,

he is having his 47th birthday here at Chucky Buster's. Why? Because he loves it. He loves it here. Because it's awesome here. 47. Oh, that's a little old for our clientele.

It's a little older. It's a little, but we don't, we do not mention that. We do not talk about how it's a little out of the ordinary that he's a little older than our average clientele.

And I know what you're thinking. Oh, well, then he must have kids. He does not have kids. He's just he's turning 47 and he wants to spend a lot of money here. So it needs to go perfectly. And that is why I've brought on some extra help to new staff members to help with the big event. OK, because this is important. So, everyone, please put your hands together.

Actually, keep them apart. We don't want to create too much noise. I need to not be stressed. But welcome our two new employees. I know you two wouldn't mind coming out here and letting everyone know what you look like. Hi. Hey.

Hi. We enter holding hands. Hi. Hey. Hi. We enter holding hands. Hi. Hey. I'm Innie, short for Ingrid. And I'm Audi, short for Audi. We're Innie and Audi Panhorn. We're satyrs.

We're very petite. We have very petite features, and we're holding hands. Aw. Yes. Yes. Hi. Hi. Welcome, welcome.

So this is the rest of the gang. Rest of the gang, would you like to introduce yourselves to Inie and Outie? Hello. My name is Chalice Glass. I was formerly a princess um i recently called off a wedding but i'm doing really really really really good congrats um and i'm looking forward to two new best friends i have not uh uh i don't really feel connected to my friends here today don't really know who to talk to so cannot wait to get to know the two of you chalice and like i've said

um would love if you started to leave personal stuff at the door uh could you tell them what you do for chucky busters um we can come back to you i'm the chef i'm the chef i think yummy i can't wait to eat i love it we're twins by the way i can't remember if we've mentioned that yeah i can't remember if we mentioned it either can you tell it's freaky you guys blink at the same time thank you yeah yeah i guess i'll go next my name's uh beef just Beef. I'm the day manager here. I get to, but I only tell Seb what to do. So don't worry. The two of you, we can hang.

That makes sense. We can be like a cool, fun people together. I really like your energy. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

We start jumping up and down. Yay. Yay! We start jumping up and down. Yay! Yay! Chip joins the circle. Hi, I'm Chip. Hi. Hi, I'm actually, I'm Chip Ahoy. I did the thing where I lied about doing the thing where I got swallowed by a dragon,

burst my way out of it, killing it. That's really cool. Are any and outie family names? Sorry? Sorry? Are outie family names? Sorry. Sorry. Are those names family names? Oh, that's a little personal.

Oh, okay. No, I just, cause when we came in here, you're like, Oh, I don't have any friends today.

And then we've said you're hard to talk to. No, we're yeah. We're sorry about challenges. Yeah. I hope it rains today. Hi, uh, I'm, It's hard to talk to today. This is why. I hope it rains today. Hi. I'm kidding.

I'm actually, somebody told me I was funny today, so I've been trying some stuff out. Who told you that? Gidget. We're like friends. We go like way back. I don't need to get personal. I don't need to be a jealous right now.

Smart. My name's Seb or Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. Von Hugh Grant? Yeah. Did I set her? Hugh Grant? Yeah. Wow. That's his name, Annie.

Why are you being so weird right now? That sounds like a really cool name. And hi. Hello. I'm just kidding, too. I should probably leave the jokes to some funny guys. But I'm Gidget. I'm also pretty new here.

I guess not new to Chucky Busters. I worked at the second establishment that mr tummy runs but that got recently destroyed and burned to the ground so no it's good it's good it's good yeah because i know i get to work here which is pretty cool and everyone's been pretty awesome so far so um yeah if you have any questions or anything like feel free to come to me. Wow. I love working here already. I was about to say the same thing. It's so funny.

I forgot. And Nina forgot. And Audi and I get each other mixed up. We have twin telepathy. We get our names confused because it's like we have one brain. Oh, my God. Can you guys know? Do you know what the other person's thinking right now?

Only all the time. Okay, that's it. By the way, I'm Jennifer. I'm a rat. I run the ticket counter. I'm going to test this. Okay, I'm climbing up. I'm climbing up your shoulder, Annie,

and I'm whispering a number. Got it. No, actually, I'll whisper a word. Oh. No, I'll whisper a word. No, I'll spell a word. Okay. Well, I'll take Jennifer. I'm sorry about that. No, no, no.

This is great. I got the word. I got the word in my head. Okay, Audi, you got to guess it now. You know it already. I already know that it's F-U-N-N-Y. Y. Funny.

Funny. Like all of our funny new coworkers. See, we have telepathy. We start nuzzling our foreheads together while holding hands. Does anyone else think these twins are freaking weird? Are they horny for each other? The word I whispered, Chip, was decapitate.

They thought that was funny. They must think that that's funny. It's that time again. Yay! It's party time. Pretend you're eating some cheese Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys You put your hands on your knees

And have an allergy While I play on these reeds Now this one here is an absolute must Church your face up to the sky and scream Ooh, I'm on a bus Now cha-cha once Great, now let's try it together Pretend you're eating some cheese

Then put your hands on your knees And then get ready to scream Ooh, I'm on a bus Cha-cha So do y'all have any skills? Um, or... Any? Yeah, like I could use someone to chop stuff up or whatever for this party

charlotte that was a weird kind of demeaning question do you have any skills i don't know i feel like that's fine it's just i kind of get i'm talking to everybody else i kind of get why no one's talking to her today is this this like an everyday thing? Yeah, ever since she called off that wedding, she's kind of been hard to talk to. I blew it so bad. She doesn't have any skills, but she has any skills. You're making me jealous. I'm the funny one.

We can all be funny. We trot over to Chalice. Audi, should we say our resume at the same time? Because we do everything together. So any skills Audi has, I have too. And any skills Innie has, I have too. Let's tell them our resume. Okay.

Let's start with our special skills. How about? Okay. Frying. they okay let's start with our special skills how about okay frying frying a whole semester of frying school and now we can turn anything from food to fried fry it what else can we do speed we can speed if we're in a car we got a need for speed

we do everything can I use gust to get them away from me just to move them further away from me across the bar a gust of wind comes through the bar and slowly pushes them as they continue to recite the resume.

What else can we do? We can dance. We can dance. No, but all jokes aside, we're pretty versatile. What? You're all the way on the other side of the room. Talking really quietly from the other side of the room.

You can't really hear. No, we're really versatile. We're really versatile. And it's like, if you're actually listening. Why are you turned into the corner? Like, we can't hear you. It's worse now. We can't hear them.

We're so small and so far away. Hey, Annie. Yeah? Do you think it's going okay? This morning, when we were getting out of bed, I thought, I had a vision in my head. I said, what's the best this day could go? This is like 10 times better than that.

That's what I was thinking. It's been so much fun already. Do you think they're going to invite us to drinks after work like coworkers do? Like coworkers do? I hope so. But even if they don't, I'll get a drink with you, Audi. It's been 10 minutes and they're in the corner. Like co-workers do. I hope so. But even if they don't, I'll get a drink with you, Audi.

It's been 10 minutes and they're in the corner. I think it's twin telepathy. They're just staring into each other's eyes. Oh, yeah. You can't hear us. All you see is both of us just facing the wall. Yes. We are excited.

We're still holding hands. Yes. And like giggling occasionally and nodding. I'm frankly a little concerned if they keep doing this that our clientele are going to be a little scared of the two of them.

Because I got to admit I'm getting a little bit scared of them. Well okay maybe I could just put them behind like the ticket counter like the prize

counter. Oh that's good. Because mostly that's just kind of standing there until someone approaches and then I feel like you know I could maybe take over

from there as long as they can just stand there and have a person or two people at the counter. That could be helpful. Yeah, that could be. But make sure they don't touch my stuff. It's not yours, okay?

You don't own all the prizes. I will get you a prize if you get tickets. You never get any tickets. Well, these games are incredibly hard. Whack-a-mole, what the hell? I made them hard.

They're nearly impossible. That's right. A bunch of kids were winning all these games, so I made them incredibly difficult. Chip, I hate to be that guy, but this place is for kids. Well, tell that to the 42-year-old man coming in to celebrate his birthday. All right? 47. Am I the only one who works and listens around here?

God! And Chalice goes back to the kitchen. That was really toxic. We're still facing the wall just to each other. Your eyes are just vibrating back and forth. Audi, I'm a little scared. I don't think she's a good fit at all.

Chip, did you want to have them do games or did you want me to try to do a ticket counter? Yeah, maybe. How about one of you behind the counter? One of you can follow me around while... Our faces follow our eyes going, no, no, no. That's going to i think we're gonna separate

no i think it makes no sense to separate the two that's gonna be a no hey chip hey chip that's gonna be a no hey chip look at me that's gonna be dropped an entire octave that's gonna be a no that's gonna be a no chip it sounds like it's maybe gonna be a no for them yeah i uh i guess i could take them off your hands yeah give me hands. Yeah, give me two of the games. Give me two of the games. Yay! Yay! I love games.

They're the funnest. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved

immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Sitcom D&D.

All right, Leia, let's take you around the shop and see what we got going on. Right here, you'll notice that that is a Grandmaster in chess sitting behind the chess board there and you have to beat him in chess you have chess you don't stand a chance you look really sick sir his name is king bishop he actually was a king and a bishop years ago uh but has you know he fell out because of a disgraceful act that he... We don't need to get into it. Can we play him at chess? Is that our job? You can't. Your job is actually going to be instructing everybody on all these games

and helping me get these games set up. That's kind of what we're doing together. So I can't play chess? You can play chess if you want to. Are you guys good at chess? No. It's hard to play chess because we always make the same moves. Because you guys are doing the same because you already know each other.

And so we're in a stalemate every single time we play. I would destroy you both. That was scary. Innie, I'm scared. Oh, God. Can we see another game, Chad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Over here, you see that there is a hook up about 60 feet, and you've got to throw this anvil up, and you have to try and get it on the hook. Oh. But there's a defender up here. Is it the same guy? It's a different guy. They're brothers, essentially.

This is Prince Bishop. Different first name, same last name. And he actually, he was a weightlifter back in his day so he's gonna try and spike it down and stop you from getting the on the hook brothers that's like the worst version of twins outie says that all the time he really means it real i i have a brother and I hate his gut. You know, I get it. I get it. That's so sad. I can't imagine. Sorry.

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. I can't imagine hating a sibling. You know what? You guys should fry. You should fry, actually. Now that I think about it, I actually have this all handled and you should go, hey, Chalice. Are you mad at us, Mr. Chip? Did we do something wrong? Oh, no, you guys are great and you aren't

creepy or weird at all. Even a little bit whatsoever. It's just that I realized I got this all handled and Chalice has no idea what the hell she's doing, so maybe you should just help her fry. And I know she's kind of hard to talk to today, but maybe just lend her a little bit of a hand. Chalice

comes out of the swinging door so mad, clearly having been crying. Okay. What? What is it? They're going to fry for you. So if you've got stuff to fry. Oh, great. We heard that you don't have any idea what you're doing, and so we're here to help you.

I'm not afraid of you. You come here. You two, come right here. Come here. You're going to peel these fucking potatoes for me. You listen to you, punks. Grab your little ears. Come on, get in the kitchen.

Peel the potatoes, you little punks. Little punks. Hey, shut up and peel potatoes. We start peeling, but we have to keep holding hands. One of us holds the potato and the other one does there's blood everywhere because you're like i think we're getting the hang of this out i love peeling with you i love you and feeling i love you and peeling hey chalicealice. What's up?

Does it hurt to know your friends think you're the weakest link? I was about to ask the same thing because of the telepathy. Your friends think you're bad at your job and as a friend. Does that hurt to know? She's hard to talk to today, but it's also every day. Today's no different.

It's actually the suspicion I had the whole time. So this is not like a tit in me today, right? Like, they've been friends a long time, and I sort of came in here late. And you know what? I don't have to talk to you two about it. You're just two scary twins I ever saw.

You wouldn't get it. We're just trying to help. We're trying to help. We get it. We get it. Hey, I trying to help. We're trying to help. We get it. We get it. Hey, I take my bloody hand from the potatoes. I lift your chin up. It's going to be okay.

You think so? I take my bloody hand, lift your chin even higher. Yeah. It's going to be okay. Give me one second. I'll be right back. Okay. gonna be okay give me one second i'll be right back okay okay and chalice runs up to her uh disguise trunk and uh runs back down and she's dressed identical to you guys and she also

has a bloody hand who are you it's it's me it's chalice and i i have And I have triplet telepathy with you guys. Beef, Seb. Beef, Seb. There's three of them. There's three of them. Beef, Seb. There's three of them.

We slowly take your hands. No, they're multiplying. And we're like in a three. We all have our hands going in a little ring around the rosy circle. Oh, my gosh. They got Chalice. Guys, we got to be careful. Okay, they got chalice. Guys, we gotta be careful. Okay, they got chalice.

What do you mean? The stakes just got way higher. I'm saying stand firm, okay? You will not become one of them, okay? Beef, you will not use disguise self to make yourself look identical to them. That will not happen, okay? Wait, wait, wait. How could I theoretically do it? Well, if you

of course have wild shapes you could turn into potentially a goat or something like that of course you could like potentially use half of wild shape on your body on your bottom half you could do that but we are not going to do that i don't know what you're talking about i don't have any spells. Let's go ask Mr. Beef for a new job. I love that idea. I love that idea. Oh, no, no, no. They're coming for me.

And Beef kind of tries to chase. Triplets. Triplets. But he runs into a corner. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. Mr. Beef, we need a new job. We don't know where Chalice went

And we were doing oh so well with the taters Oh my god You sound cute But it freaks me the F out Where do you think that fear comes from? My groin And it grows Tap into that feeling

Sit with it, don't judge it Okay If that feeling had a voice, what would it sound like? Maybe like my dad who I don't know. I've never heard his voice.

Papa dad? Yeah, I never met my papa dad or my papa mom. We're sorry. Let's say that Chalice here is Papa Dad. What would you say to him? Wow, I've never thought about this. I guess I'd say,

why did you leave me in that little basket? I'm sorry. Why did you leave me in that little basket? You can heal now. I guess. Okay, everyone. And it's time to open our doors for the party. Are we almost ready?

Hold on. They grab Beef's hand. Yeah, I was going to say, you turn. One of us. One of us. I never have to be alone again. Beef uses his disguise and he becomes one of the twins. It looks so much better than Chalice's.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yay! Yay! Do Beef and Chalice have names that fit the Iny-Oughty theme now? Mine's Cowdy because it's Chalice. Cowdy. And then Bowdy, of course. Yeah, Bowdy.

Iny, Outy, Cowdy, and Bowdy. Chip, Chip, I don't want to be Jowdy. I don't want to be Jowdy. You don't have to. You don't have to. I specifically told Beef not to do this, okay? You and me and Seb, we're sticking together. Where is Seb?

So lately, teenagers have been coming in here. They're playing this game where they try to take a dump behind the Grandmaster and get out of here before I catch those little fuckers. Bowdy jumps and attacks Seb's neck like a rabid squirrel. Is that an escalation? Jody, no! No! I didn't do anything.

It was Bouty. Bouty, what are you doing? I don't know. I don't know. I just saw him and I knew. Oh my God, Chip. The beef one just bits up. Is that how it passes through biting?

I have no clue. I have not seen that, but I guess I wasn't there for the chalice transformation. So maybe that's happened. Growing out of my legs. I picked this day to wear cargo shorts so you can see it. And I am just, I'm just turning into him.

I'm Benny. Benny? Like any. Oh, oh! Okay! I like it now! Hey, Innie? Yeah, Audi?

Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. Without the other? We're all coming to you. No, no, we're all together! We still, it's like a train of like holding hands. Yeah, what do you want to talk about? I think maybe the others aren't cut out to be a twin.

I don't know, Audi. Audi, sounds like you can't hang with us. Should we sacrifice Audi? What did you just say to him? You don't do that. You don't do that to the twins. We don't do that stuff. Okay?

We don't do that stuff. There's nothing fun about sacrifice, okay? Okay. We're not into that violent shit. We're straight edge. Did we mention that? Okay, well we're into that violent shit. Okay. We're straight edge. Did we mention that? Okay. Well, we're... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is what? We're just gonna keep getting ready for the party. We're sorry. And they all start walking back over to do their job.

Yay! Yay! This is better. I like it better with just the two of us. We take each other's hands. We're just doing circles around the room, getting so dizzy. Yay!

Mr. Tummy, we're working really hard for you. We're about ready for the party. About ready? Well, they're at the door right now. So I hope you're fully ready. Okay, everyone. Places, places. Okay, everyone, places, places.

And welcome, Duke Leonard Hofstadler, to your 47th birthday party. I am the manager at Chucky Busters, here to wish you a very happy birthday. Clap twice, slap once, everybody bounce. Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, I'm a happy man. Happy to serve you, Duke. And so are all of these employees. Look at the smiles busting off their faces. Happy birthday! Thank you.

Well, what should I start with first? Do you like chess, Lenny? Do you want to play chess against a really sick old guy? No, I want to play what's the hardest game you got? You could try and throw an anvil at a really old guy at the top of a ladder. And he throws it back down at you. Okay, I'll try that. Give it your best shot.

It's coming back twice as fast. He heaves and he mutters something, just like someone at a gym trying to lift a ton of weight. You catch something right under their breath. And you think it's, he might have said, birthday. And he throws it as hard as he can. And it doesn't even go above his head. It slams right into the ground.

He rolled a two. That's no fun. This game's broken. Where's the games guy? Oh, right here. F*** you. F*** you, man. What are you talking about?

What am I? Hey, hey, this guy just told me f*** you and it's my birthday. I'll take care of that. Trip, trip. Come on, man. What are we doing here? He said f*** you to me first. Can I offer you a bloody potato wedge?

That was made by us. That has our seasoning on it. What game do you guys like here? Well, there is one really hard game we like to play with each other. Yeah. I'm intrigued. No, I don't think you'd be good enough. No, I'm good.

It's my birthday. I'm good. It's my birthday. I'm good. It takes a really special kind of person to play this game and play it well. I'm special. I'm the specialist boy there is. I'm Duke Leonard Hofstadler, and it's my 47th birthday. Tell me how to play. Okay.

It's called Twins Who Fly Together, Die Together, and Lie Together. What kind of lie? Is it sexual or deceptive? Bit of both. Why? I told you they were horny for each other. I didn't come up with this game. I know I'm the games master.

This was not mine. Okay, let the record show. Beef, you should do something. Okay, so close your eyes. Beef. Beef gathers the courage to be a manager in this moment. And he says, stop it. Stop it right now. Stop it right now!

Stop it right now! You two make no sense and that's coming from me. We cower as if beef's gonna hit us. Wait, what's going on at this establishment? I can explain. Well, the twins came in and then

we thought they were nice and then Chalice turned into one of them and then I thought it would be fun to turn into one of them as well. I got a little carried away and I bit Seb's neck like a rabbit squirrel. This is all making sense, right, Duke?

You get it. You're a kid at heart right Duke roll for persuasion oh 14 plus 5 oh little 19 action forgot that I leveled up on those did you say

kid at heart yeah Duke just play some games with us, huh? Have a good time? I don't know who told you. And he takes a couple steps and looks out the front window. But it's true. I have the heart of a child.

What? Why is he saying it like that? Why? Via an operation? He said it like it was medically like. I thought maybe just in his bag he had it. Kids heart? Oh, good point.

Yeah, you got to get that back. Is it metaphor or is it for real life? It's medically true. I have the heart of a child. Oh. And I'm a 47-year-old man. And I wish that, I don't know know I wish that I could love things normally and not just want to play

games but I've never had that thought what thought? of wanting to love things normally yikes me either are you saying everyone should just love things in a way that is natural to them?

yeah wow like take Chalice for example love things in a way that is natural to them? Yeah! Wow. Like, take Chalice, for example. She loves, well, sucking and being really annoying and nobody here seems to like her. Or Beef is hyper-violent and that works for him.

Hey, what? The shit-shoveler, well... He thinks he's really funny. And everyone's kind of laughed like a ha ha ha, but not, they've done it of like, oh yeah, I see, I get it. But like never like genuine laughs. Oh, well, Zab, I laughed.

Just so you know, for the record, I laughed genuinely. Thanks, Gidget. Hey, I appreciate that. No, and they didn't even say my name, so we're not even sure if they're talking about me. So true. What's crappy about Chip? You haven't said anything about Chip.

Chip, get over here. Oh, sorry. Roast his ass. Yeah, Chip. Yeah. Yeah, what? What's your trauma? What's my trauma?

I have a girlfriend and she's real. What trauma do I have? Oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. Duke, you get it, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. I think I'm ready for my cake now. We all look at Chalice. You make a cake. Chalice, you even make a cake? Chalice is just looking at the bottom of her hair. Chalice. Chalice, cakey, cakey time.

Cake time. Chalice, a cake. Yum. The cake. Birthday cake. Birthday cake candles. I could go for some cake. What's. Toss a cake. Yum. Why not? The cake. Birthday cake. Birthday cake candles. I could go for some cake. What's up?

Oh, God. She forgot. Okay. Don't worry. Jenny will whip something up real quick. Keep this guy distracted. Check this out. My thumb, I'm moving.

It looks like my thumb is, it's cut off. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! What are you doing? Sorry. You can't scare me like that. I Ah! What are you doing? Sorry, sorry. You can't scare me like that.

I have the heart of a child. I'm sorry. You could kill me. It's just the other thumb. It's just the other thumb. No, stop, stop, stop. I got this. I got this.

Chip goes back into the storage closet, and he pulls out the easiest game that previously was out there, and it's just a ball pit. And if you get into the ball pit, you win the game. Okay. I want to play. Chalice, you should be making a cake. Why? This is the kind of shit I got rid of, but since you have, is it a dead kid's heart,

I assume, if they don't have the heart anymore? I think we can call it a dead kid's heart that you have, right? Well, let's not jump to conclusions. There's a chance that this was the heart i was born with and it just never grew and it stayed a child's heart that that's insane sure there's a chance but what happened it's a dead kid's heart um okay well okay well then here we go. I'll jump in. And he jumps in. Chip, for how hard do you think it is to get out of this ball pit? If he rolled an eight, do you think he can get out?

No. He's dropped. Audi, I think we should do our special trick to help him get out. The one we do at night? Yes. Okay. No, we practice every night. Okay.

I get on top of, well, I would like to see if I can get on top of Audi's shoulders for then Audi to kind of like lean forward to kind of make like a human bridge to get the Duke out of the ball pit. I think we forgot to mention the beginning. Our stats were impossibly strong. Yeah. We're athletic as shit. Our proficient in everything.

I'm going to allow him to roll with advantage then because you're helping him. And just to raise the stakes, can we say that there's a shark fin that has come up in the ball pit and it is making a beeline right for him? Yes, I'm hoping it's Seb. Don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Okay, so the Duke rolled an 18.

I assume that's enough to get him out of the ball pit. I'm sure Chip could yell no, but the Duke claws his way out thanks to the help of Innie and Audi. I made it. Chip pulls out a ring of like 20,000 tickets and rips one off and hands it to the Duke. But I do want to address the fact that I think I see a half shark, half goat in the ball pit right now. But we could talk about that later. No, I got it handled. And Beef has like a crossbow pointed,

trying to aim at the shark. And right in that moment, Seb comes out of the bathroom. What's going on, crew? Out of the kitchen, walks Gidget holding a cake that Jennifer's standing on top of. Happy birthday to you. And that's as much on top of. Happy birthday to you. And that's as much as we need of this song.

Okay. Cake. I love cake. And the Duke, he sits down. And a table that just gets placed in front of him. And he takes a seat. And he takes a bite. And his eyes get big

and then tears roll up in his eyes and he goes, is there shellfish in this? No. Did I do that? No. Jennifer.

And he immediately goes into death saving throws i start throwing tickets at him hoping that that cures him here have all the tickets you want i'm sorry i'm sorry read the room chip read the room chip chalice hold me i can't I'm playing chess. And she's winning. I am. Nice. His first roll is a 19, so that's good. I keep throwing tickets.

It's working. It's working. Unless someone's going to try something, I'm going to keep rolling. He might die here. Maybe he needs more cake. Audi starts shoving more cake into his mouth. Cake makes everything better. Okay. That's one fail.

And so this will be the last roll to see if the Duke lives or dies here. So Seb can't step in and heal him at all? Cure wounds is a touch, and I can't touch him because of the shellfish. I am also allergic. So you're just going to let him die? Yeah. You don't want to save him in front of Gidget, Seb? Okay, all right.

I'll roll up my sleeves. That's what I thought. And then she leans over to the guy and goes, I'm playing chess with you and also with people. She's drunk. Can you stop talking? I'm trying to concentrate. All right, I'm gonna cast Cure Wounds.

So that's gonna be 11 HP restored. Okay, he is restored. I immediately go into shock. Who's gonna save me now? Gidget, kiss him. Kiss him. Or something. Or help him or something.

That was weird, guys. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, we're joking. We're joking, Gidget. We're sorry. It was a joke. Gidget, can you heal people? I can, yeah.

Oh, awesome. I cast gear wounds. I'm a druid. Are you allergic to shellfish, though? Oh my god, I am! I forgot. But that sub can cure you. Oh, no. I'm back, I'm back. What's going on?

Your girlfriend's dying. Oh my gosh, I use cure wounds. No! Oh no, sub! As the dust settles on that situation, and everyone ends up stabilized, the duke is As the dust settles on that situation and everyone ends up stabilized, the Duke is at the door.

And you can tell Mr. Tummy's begging him not to leave. Wait, did he have a bad time? I almost died. But you didn't. I don't know how to feel about this place, but I don't think it's good. I almost died. Have a good night, everybody. Hey, Duke?

Can we talk to you for a second? No. No. Absolutely not. Yeah. Yeah. They're kind of pulling him into the corner. Actually, yeah. We're going to talk. Okay. What? Duke. Duke. Duke. Duke.

These people who work here, they're losers, man. But you, you, my guy, my duke, my king, you are a winner, baby. And what you're going to do, like a winner does, you're going to go home and you're going to write a stellar review. Don't punch down. Don't punch down. Okay? They've had a hard day. They've had a hard day. Let them be.. Okay. They've had a hard day. They've had a hard day.

Let them be. Come on. I've had a hard day. I've had a hard day. I've had a hard day. You're going to go home and you're going to say this is the best birthday ever. To your castle. Right.

You're rich. You know where Chalice sleeps? You don't want to know. It's f***ing grim. Sorry. No, no. Howdy. You're right. Sorry. No, no. Howdy. You're right.

Sorry. I'm just getting heated. I look at Chalice and it just, my heart sinks. I know you do. I don't know what weird thing. But yeah. So, dude, are we good on that? Are we good on that, brother?

I hear you. I get it. And yes. I'm so glad. And dude kind of like nods. And then you hear him like, you see on the way out. He kind of talks a little bit in a hushed tone with Mr. Tummy. And Mr. Tummy looks like pretty appeased.

And the Duke is then out the door. Yay, birthday! We did a birthday! Cake time! Somehow, miraculously, that ended up going semi-successfully. He said he's going to write a good review. So, um... Oh, my God.

Is he going to pay us, too? In the writing earlier, I did promise a big bonus if this went well. Yeah, because the money counts this season. Yeah, it really counts. Yes. Yes. Um, okay. You know what?

Five gold piece bonus for everyone's work today. Whoa! Yeah, although, and i just overheard them talking to him i think maybe the twins shouldn't get the bonus um no reason nothing personal coming from me chalice but we did so much hard work today i I think I side with Chalice on this one. I think you're right. You guys just came in and were just really high-pitched, really mean. That's interesting, Eve.

Interesting. You guys kind of made today way more work than it should have been. We've been handling this pretty well, actually. And actually, I've kind of been liking it a little bit more here at Chucky Busters until you came along. Was not expecting this from you. I really thought you were the clear-headed one, but you're not. Honestly, and Jennifer here, like, you didn't really make my job harder. Y'all just kind of weird me out straight up.

Immy? Addie? Their voices are getting hotter somehow. I think it's time for a reveal. They're floating too off the ground. I think they're imploding. I think it's time for a reveal. They're floating too off the ground. I think they're imploding. I think we should do this. I hate this.

I'm grabbing hands. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground.

I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground.

I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground.

I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground.

I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think we should get off the ground. I think getting some energy from the void or something. All right. So listen, guys, we're not going to f*** around anymore, actually. Let's get down to brass tacks. Let's get down to brass tacks. You guys, I'm just going to cut right to the chase.

Today was not good. Today was not a good day. Bad day. It was a bad day for Audi. It was a bad day for any. And it was a bad day for the establishment. It was a bad day for the company. Did we just get undercover bossed you did just get undercover bossed

I mean your words not mine oh man so our father our father is Chucky Buster he's real Chucky Buster he's real

what kind of question is that he's real I didn't know he was real did you guys know he was real he's a man he's our dad that's actually really messed up to say he's our papa daddy yeah and we actually took some notes on you guys today what'd you write girlfriend

did you make you please that's literally what you sound like that's literally I'm That's literally what you sound like. That's literally. No, that's what you literally sound like. I'm not even being hyperbolic. That's literally. Guys, is that not what she sounds like? Is that not what she fucking sounds like?

Chalice, do you want to know your feedback genuinely for me? Can I be honest? Or are you too fragile? Oh, God. No, no, I can take it. The only thing sadder than a loser is a loser who wants to be a winner but can't stop trying chalice fades immediately

she's out cold she's out like a light and I wish I really wish you guys would let me finish earlier because what I was saying is like honestly y'all are weird but like you own it straight up I hear you I think I hear the save you're trying to make of trying to finish the sentence but you did full stop and so then then you didn't speak up

when anyone else was talking, so I think that was the end of your sentence, so I don't fully believe you. You actually haven't done anything bad. You're actually, honestly, the person who has their shit most together in this place. Yeah.

Jennifer? Wait, Innie, no, I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure they poisoned the guy with the shelf. I thought Gidget did. Well, she brought out the cake. Jennifer made the cake. Yeah, I guess Gidget did. Well, she brought out the cake. Jennifer made the cake.

Yeah, I guess Gidget did bring it out, though. No. But Jennifer gives me, like, mature vibes. Jennifer gives me, like, she knows what she's doing. And Innie? No, straight up, Innie. Chalice faints within her faint. Chalice is fainting inception right now.

Beef, you are a violent, violent entity. Beef tries to run away from you guys, but it's like a sniper shot. You guys are going to get him, and then he's going to fall. Yeah, that's not going to happen. You cannot, under any circumstance, bite a coworker.

There is literally no situation where that's okay. You are riddled with disease. I don't know what it is you have, but you had something that infected Zeb to the point of no return. In a matter of minutes. You hyped me up! Oh yeah, again, I would also say that for

Chalice and for Beef, you guys are two of the most spineless people I've ever met in my life. They're like, oh, you got us, you got us. We didn't tell you to do anything. We didn't tell you to do anything. We didn't tell you to do anything. The group think that you guys are capable of? Chalice is the one who was like, you guys are fucking weird.

And then she's like, oh, let me be one of you. We weren't like, oh, you have to do it. She was like, oh, look at me. And also her costume was shit. That's not what it looked like. It was kind of offensive. Chalice is three feints in. She is three feints deep inside the same faint.

Beef, you need to be restrained. You need to have some kind of restraint in this office um yeah we're still on yeah okay are you fragile i don't want to i want to check in before i say this beef because i you seem like you might be as fragile not quite as fragile as chalice but pretty fragile um i think i get why you were left in that basket i was thinking the same thing that is the word that celebrity kicked in. Frankly, I get it. I've never said anything more vulnerable in my life. Also, like, this is a workplace. You shouldn't be talking about that kind of trauma here.

Okay? Leave that for home, please. Thank you. Oh, Chip. Chippy, Chippy, Chippy, Chippy, Chippy, Chippy. Chip, my guy. Chip off the old block. We're going to start with you.

Your energy is confrontational to the extreme. If I was a customer, not a compliment. If I was a customer, I would come in here. I would be out the door in seconds. You are so, so hostile. It's crazy. I mean, it's this dude's birthday, and you're like, I'll give him one ticket. I'll give him one ticket.

Your games are shit. I'll say that. You have chess, you have anvil basketball, and a ball pit. The ball pit was hidden away. Does that count for anything or no? Well, exactly. You've got chess, but you've got a game for adults and smart kids

and throwing a hammer. Also, there's gotta be some kind of automation we can do here. It's not practical to have you just wandering around tearing tickets off as the way that we're giving. That can't be what we're doing. Oh, and same automation. We need to get like automated creatures because we got like Grandfather Time, whatever the hell his name is, and his brother. There's got to be some sort of union for them.

I found them. You found them? I found them. He stole us. He stole us. He stole us. There it is. There it is. Obviously, you're letting them go.

That is the first thing on the docket. You're letting them go for sure. We're free. He's one of my friends. Are you fragile? Can I check in with you, Chip? Are you fragile? Am I fragile?

God, no. What? Okay. Chip? Okay. Chip? Chip Ahoy! He's gonna cry. He's gonna cry. I just wanna let you know He's gonna fall apart. I just wanna let you know the girlfriend thing, nobody's buying it.

Nobody believes it. It's really embarrassing. It's the same way that Seb's like, oh, I'm funny. If you have to be like, I have a girlfriend, she's real. If you have to say, I have a girlfriend, she's real. Buddy. I'm starting to. She's real. If you have to say I have a girlfriend, she's real. Buddy. I'm starting to doubt it again myself. And I met her. Same.

And I met her. Oh, and I mean, we got to round it out with. I mean. I need to stand a couple feet away. Yes. Because you reek. I have a theory about you. And I just need you to say yes or no, and then we don't need to talk about it. Yes or no question.

Yes or no question. Yes or no question. Don't need to justify anything. Just yes or no. Sure. Are you the teens who were shitting all over the place? Yes. Okay.

Okay. So that's what I think. Yes. You're shitting everywhere to give yourself a reason for being here. I just want the job security. I'm going to be us. And you know what? You know what?

I'll be honest with you, Yousef. I have more respect for you than I do your other coworkers. This couldn't be going better for me. And I'll give you one thing. You're funnier than Chalice. I'll tell you that. I'll take that, man. She's a four-fates deep.

Four-fates deep. I don't know if she'll ever wake up. Our papa daddy did tell us. He said, guys, we got to trim some of the fat at this chain. And so, Audi, can I talk to you in the corner for a second of who we're going to fire? Okay. We go chat in the corner and leave you guys. It was one of the best days of my life.

That feedback. Oh, my God. Beef is sitting on Chalice's bum as she's fainted. Oh, my God. That was... You guys, you don't think one of us is going to get fired, do you? I think it's inevitable, and I think we've got to come up with a contingency plan. What happens if one of us gets fired?

Do we all quit? Do we strike? Disguise. We just put on disguise, get hired as someone else. Disguise, get hired again. There it is. Thank you, Jennifer. All right.

I'm actually not so scared anymore. Yeah, that's true. Oh, God. Oh, God. I was in there for a thousand years. It was a thousand years. Because you went four feints deep in like dreamland. Yeah, by those rules.

That must have been a thousand years. Because you went four feints deep in like dreamland. Yeah. By those rules. That must have been a thousand years. Oh, we got undercover bossed. I can't believe that happened to us. Yeah. So we decided, Chalice said, if any of us get fired, we're just going to come back in a disguise. So we actually already have a solution. We're ready.

We're ready to kill you. Oh, they're back on this voice. We figured that you'd want to be let down like this in a cute, fun way. Yeah, this is better than being fired a different way, right? Let's see how this goes. I think our telepathy has been stronger than ever today, and we should say the name of the person who's being fired at the same time. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no. Chase! I can't say I'm surprised. But that's not all! That's not all. That's not all! We have another fire ring! Wait, how much fat?

Oh no! You need some fat to live or else you get cold. Come on. Beep. What? And that's not all. But that's not all. What the?

Hey, Chip? Chip? Yeah? You're fired. No. God, it made sense up until now. What's up? I'm fired.

You're fired. No, I know. I'm already with them. I'm already with them. I know, I know. Okay, just a heads up. It might be hard to do everything at this place. But Jennifer, we have so much faith in you, girlfriend.

So guys, this is such a mess. I'm gonna, and Chalice goes over to get the big hammer for the game. And she's just gonna try to hit them in the back of the head, not to kill them, but to wipe their memory of the day so they can start over.

Okay, okay. Easy. Is that okay? Yeah. That needs to happen. Because it's kind of like a throwing thing. Roll for dexterity. We are still right next to each other holding Yeah. That needs to happen. Because it's kind of like a throwing thing. Roll for dexterity. We are still right next to each other holding hands. That helps. Is that always?

Is that like you normally? Or is that your character? We have not released hands the entire day. Sean, I rolled an unnatural 20. Okay. I rolled a 17 and I'm dexterity plus three. Okay. So Anvil goes up in the air,

comes down, ka-donk, on Innie and Audi's heads, knocks them straight up unconscious. Let's just in this moment enjoy the silence. Jennifer, Jennifer, go and Chalice draws a big handlebar mustache on Jennifer. You have to pretend to be the billionaire.

And you have to pretend it's your birthday party, okay? Oh, f*** yeah. Okay, Innie and Outie, you come too. Oh. Happy birthday to you. Wait, what? Is it our birthday?

Oh, it's the billionaire's birthday, and he's here, and it's the Duke, and... Oh, no. How far back did we go in their memories? Wah, wah. Wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah. No, wait, that's not right. Babies, um. I mean, I mean, hello.

Innie, Innie. Yeah, Owdy. What do you remember about today? What? Today? When's today? Wednesday. Wednesday.

Oh, today's Wednesday. Today. We were supposed to do The undercover boss For daddy And you did it You did it And it went

Sorry can you give us a minute Oh sorry Private combo Sorry can you give us a minute Alright Alright We don't know what we're doing We need a second

Absolutely Absolutely I think I remember that one Can I be honest with something Yeah Or any Oh mine's really messed up man I don't know what one. Can I be honest with something, Addy? Or any? Fuck. I'm really messed up, man. I don't know what happened.

It's okay. This store has really bad vibes. Really toxic. Why don't we say we just give them a pass? I think we just ask Papa Daddy if our other set of twin siblings can come do this one. Because I really don't want to be here any longer. I want to go home. I want birthday cake.

I feel like something really bad happened here. Let's go buy a birthday cake at the store and then we'll go home and eat it together and pretend like it's our birthday. Okay. Okay. Hey, everybody. Hey. Oh, hi. Yeah, hi.

Oh, you're so hospitable and everyone's so hot. We got a little bit lost. Cool. Awesome. Okay. Awesome. Okay. And funny, too. You haven't said anything yet, but I feel like you're funny. They said I'm funny.

Everyone's so sexy and hilarious. Oh, okay. Except that one is a little... Points at Chalice. Something's not quite right about that one. I'll take it. We love Chalice. She's the quite right about that one. I'll take it. We love Chalice. She's the best.

And she's the greatest friend. We got a little lost on our way to go get some birthday cake for us. So we're going to go home. But we love Chucky Busters. Chucky Busters. That was so fun getting to know you today. Everything went so good. It's been.

Did it. Getting to know us. Having known you. It's good to to know us. Having known you. It's good to see you. Having been seeing you. Thanks for coming. We'll show you. This is the door to head out.

Having been seeing you. Yes, it's been seen to good you. All right, so just. Wait, before I go, is that an old man by the chess set? Free me! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my grandpa. He's so lost.

They hit you in the head. You don't remember. What's up, old grandpa? I'm sorry, grandpa. I hope you feel better. Bye-bye. Bye, everybody. You're all so sexy.

Bye. Oh, my gosh. And Chalice does every toggle on the door behind them. Every single lock. It's like 50 locks. She just is doing every single one. Newspaper on all the windows. I'm muttering in Latin underneath my breath.

And there's lights coming on and just making this invisible area. Okay. Hey, Chip invisible area. Okay. Hey, Chip. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for being nice to me back there for a second. I feel like I sort of had a day where I felt sort of like the odd one out and I couldn't catch a break. But I appreciate you being sweet.

I've been there quite a bit, so I get it. I get it. I just didn't want to say to Chelsea, like, yeah, sometimes we give you grief too, but like, that's because we love you and we, we can like friends can give each other grief. So,

Oh, is that what that means? Yeah. And Jennifer, can I just say that mustache looks incredible on you? And I'm, I'm so glad I drew it on. I think maybe keep it.

Hey guys. What's up beef? This shark is real! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Marr did the editing on this one. And we were of course joined by the wickedly talented Riley Anspaugh and Alfred Bardwell Evans.

You can get more of them in podcast format on their weekly podcast, Review Review, a show that blends conversation and improv comedy based on the most absurd reviews on the internet. Email your own reviews into reviewreviewshow at gmail.com and the host will read them on the show. Y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroos and get access to over 50 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is Sitcom Showdown Part 2,

where Aaron, Waleed, Ben, and Elizabeth continue to wind down their bracket of the best sitcom of all time. There are some really tough decisions in this one, but there can only be one winner. And that's not all. I am releasing weekly episodes of my comic book Skyless on the Patreon. I am so proud of this project and this sci-fi fantasy coming-of-age story we're telling. And again, if for nothing

else, I really think it's worth checking out for Chris Kirk's incredible artwork alone. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun! And finally finally if you want to keep up with the gang you can follow the show on instagram and twitter at sitcom dnd that's sitcom and then the letters d and d this is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests

see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, see new character drawings by Waleed. Don't tell me you don't want to see his character designed for a Doomba Doomba. I know you do. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.

Thank you.