SitcomD&D - S3 E8: Red Rhino Returns

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

When Mick Angry sends The Red Rhino (not Chip) out on a mission to kill a mysterious monster, the gang tags along as "The Repayers" in hopes that they can be the heroes that Frasier deserves.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Grace Harper  Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

When I initially got on the Zencaster, Elizabeth was staring intently at her screen with her headphones on her face so she couldn't hear my arrival. And she just went, I'm insane. I'm insane. I'm insane. Wow, you're throwing her right under the bus. Wow. Is this your process, Elizabeth? And I haven't really followed up on it because I kind of wanted to hear the story on the pod.

I totally forgot. Is that even more insane that I forgot that I did that? Yeah. I was wondering if it's something you, you know, it's like a preparation for beef. You just look in the mirror and say, I'm insane a couple times. It sounds like

something a sad-faced clown says to, like, says in the mirror for an hour. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up inside Chucky Buster's, and y'all are wrapping up. It's closing time, so you're cleaning, you're putting things away, scrubbing it down, scooping the poops out of the ball pit, and shutting it down for the night.

And y'all just happen to be talking about what your plans are for that night. So that's where we'll pick up. We'll pick up right there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Yay! I'm insane. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Pete at thef at the noble bottoms of. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away.

We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keefe So cheers to all our family and our friends And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

This weekend, this weekend. Whoa, what are we doing this weekend, everybody? I actually need you to work, Seb. What? Beef! What? Beef, come on. What? We have plans! TGIF, Thank God It's Friday, Beef. I'm sorry, guys. the man's busting my balls all day

and night you're the man are you busting your own balls? Beef I mean listen we were gonna do this thing we had this plan

we're like I mean none of us are dating but you know since Chip's girlfriend's out of town and hot and hot

from what I've heard and real and yeah you don't have to say that anymore so you know we were gonna like do like a double date thing And hot, from what I've heard. And real. And, yeah. You don't have to say that anymore. So, you know, we were going to do a double date thing, because there's a discount at TGIFs for double dates. And so Seb and I were going to act like we were on a date,

because we've got a little practice doing that before. And then Chip and Chalice were going to act like they were on a date, and then we get a discount. It's just a joke, though. Because I have a girlfriend who's real. Beef, you've got to tag along. Come on, we're going to go. It's going to be so fun. You's just a joke. Because I have a girlfriend who's real. Beef, you gotta tag along. Come on, we're gonna go. It's gonna be so fun. You can be our baby.

Yeah, Beef, you can be our little baby. You'll be our baby. We'll put you in the high chair. No, I love being like a baby. Beef is not the baby. I'm the baby. Oh, yikes. I don't know, guys. We got a lot of work to do And the toilet paper needs restocking And the poop is really piling up in the ball pit

Let me think about this Beef Screw it all Oh, hell yeah Beef, beef, beef, beef Now pick me up like a little baby And put me in a diaper Because our daddy's home

You're a baby You're already wearing a diaper because I'm daddy's home. Yay! You're a baby! You're already wearing a diaper, Beef. It's that time again. Who wants to learn the... Oh! We're living in a nightmare. There's no one here. Why are they still doing that? A minute before

close? Are you kidding me? There's nobody here. You put your hands on your knees and have an allergy while I play on these reeds. Now this one here is an absolute must. Turn your face up to the sky and scream I'm on a bus.

Now cha-cha once. Great. Now let's try it together. Pretend you're eating some cheese and put your hands on your knees and then get ready to scream I'm on a bus. Cha-cha. We have you're eating some cheese. Then put your hands on your knees. Then get ready to scream. Ooh, I'm a boss. Cha-cha. We have to get out of here.

Yeah, we need to leave. As is required by Mr. Tummy, you all did dance along. And while you were busting and you had your face to the sky, I want you to roll for perception. 14. 6. 9. 18. Okay. Okay. 9. 18.

Okay. Beef, you notice very clearly, and Seb, you notice as well that there is an R in the sky. And Beef, you can actually tell that the way that this letter is going there is almost like shadow puppetry. It's like a big spotlight, and the middle of this spotlight that's projected onto the sky, like onto a cloud cloud is a capital letter R. Oh, hey, guys, guys, everyone, out of my way, out of my way. Lift me up.

I want to see out the window. I lift him up like Simba. My God. What is it, B? The R. Okay, I check to see if it's actually an R. Don't be insulted by that, Beef. Yeah.

No, no, no. That really isn't R. What? See? What's going on, Beef? Whoa. And Beef, you can tell that it is in the same style and font as the Repayers are. Well, you know, I've been going to those night-night classes to learn and read.

I follow Chip there while he's doing his stuff. I enrolled in a class. Okay, well, you're in the hallway outside kind of just reading whatever is nearby. I'm the one actually learning how to be a knight, okay? Yeah, whatever. We're getting off track. Beef, what did you see? I saw an R in the sky capital r not even little r

and that's right i know about capitals could it be the red rhino does someone need him oh my god do you think he'll run by our place i hope so he is so cool what a cool guy he is. He's so hot. Yes. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, maybe he'll need help. Wait, I want to go get my costume on. I gotta go get my costume on! Not before me, and as they're running up the staircase, Beef's grabbing onto Chalice's ankles and pulling her down. Oh, I actually gotta go. I actually, I've, oh, I have class. I can't do the double date or anything. I actually gotta go.

Yeah, we all gotta get changed, idiot. Repayers, recongregate! Seb has a sledgehammer and is breaking a floorboard to unveil all of his tin cans that he wears and irons. Because I am Iron Man. Gidget comes up to Seb and goes, Hey, um, I don't really know what's happening here, but this seems fun. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Context. You, of all people, are going to love this. Okay. We dress up

and we fight crime. We're vigilantes. We're what? Vigilantes. There's a lot of spit in my mouth that kind of like happens when I'm around you. I don't know what that's about. I like vigilantes. That sounds more dangerous. As Chalice is coming down the stairs with her Hawkeye eye on top of her head with her wings, she goes, Chip, do you want to pick a costume and come with us? Oh, no. Actually, you know what? It's not.

I don't have class. Actually, I gotta sleep. I feel like we were all about to go to TGI Fridays. No, you gotta let me sleep, actually. And Beef's coming down the stairs. I don't know, man. I don't know if you can miss another class or they're gonna kick you out. Sorry. Big

ol' yawn in your face. Okay, we gotta let him sleep. He seems super tired. We gotta let him sleep. If there's one thing I've learned, it's you gotta let him sleep. He seems super tired. You gotta let him sleep. If there's one thing I've learned, it's you gotta let him sleep. Chip starts backing away slowly, slowly, and as he reaches the bottom of the stairs,

he turns around and he sprints up the stairs as fast as he possibly can and slams the door. I get it. I get that excited to sleep, too. All right, let's go. Let's go see if... Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Gidget, do you want to come with us? Way ahead of you.

And she starts coming down the stairs, and she is dressed like Thor. What? Very clever. And she goes, I don't know if this would be of use, but this is a magical screwdriver my uncle once gave to me when I turned 17. So, you know, hopefully this comes in handy. Gidget, can I be honest?

Yeah. I think you should just put the rat costume back on. I feel like you could just fight crime as the mascot. I mean, it seems like Gidget put a, I mean, and this is like an heirloom, and I'm sure it does something like only someone of pure of heart can hold the screwdriver or something like that. Am I wrong? Beef, what do you think? I just need someone to help me zip up my spider suit. It's all latex, so it's kind of hard to squeeze in.

I got to lube up before I slide in, you know what I'm saying? Yes. Yes. And then Gidget is like putting on the rat suit over her Thor suit. Is this what people want? Incredible. You look perfect, Gidget. I love it. So now Gidget's wearing the Chucky Buster's rat costume, but there's a little bit of cape coming out of where, like, the head goes on top of. Sab, doesn't she look beautiful? As your friend, you look, like, smoke show hot. I mean, you look really good.

It's funny that you say smoke show, because that's actually what this magical screwdriver controls, is fog. Oh. One of my ancestors was the god of fog, and this heirloom has been, like, passed down, so it can control fog. Cool. Sounds fun. Sounds wet wet i'm so excited well should we go try to find like the um origin of that light then that's probably who wants to talk to you guys right is this something you always do or is this like a first time no we haven't even been asked to help but if red rhino's there, that means we're there. Sean, can we track where the R is coming from? Like, are we able to tell where it's located?

Yeah, give me a history check. Why? Why? Why? To see how well you know, Frasier. You think I don't know it just because I'm a princess and I've never paid attention to a single thing in my whole life? You would be right.

One plus five, six. attention to a single thing in my whole life? You would be right. One plus five, six. Chalice points out the tower that she can tell is clearly the origin of the light source. And then the rest of the gang roll for history

to see if you can see which building this is. 19. Okay, perfect. You know exactly which tower that is, Seb. It's the old armory tower. and you know exactly how to get there. Oh, that's the armory. Yeah, it's just two lefts, right, left, right, and then straight past the soybean field, and you're there. Oh, wait, guys, we should be quiet. We gotta let him rest.

Oh, God. We gotta let him sleep. You hear the sound of trash cans being fallen onto in the alley. Hey, Sean, should we roll to investigate that? I feel like y'all know what it is. All right, two lefts and a right and a left and a right. What was it? Oh, yeah, no, that sounds right.

From around the corner, you see a horned figure with a banana peel on his head emerge. Hey, guys. How you doing, Iron Man? Hawkeye. Lady Finger? What's your name? Black Widow. Black Widow.

Lady Finger. With my beautiful auburn hair and beef whips it behind his back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. And I think I'll go by the name Fog Thor Leg Thor. That's awesome. That's really, really good.

Good, good. I really love it. I actually really love that. My voice can be kind of like, I'll say, I'll say, my name's Fog Thor Leg Thor. I'll say. Great.

That's very cool. Is that fun, Seb? Yeah, I'm laughing genuinely. Like, that's awesome. Oh, Seb. We are not actually supposed to I'm laughing genuinely. Like, that's awesome. Oh, Seb. We are not actually supposed to say our secret identities. Oh, sorry.

I mean Iron Man. Okay. And you mean Captain Frasier. And Jennifer walks out in a little spandex suit that is a new costume for her. And she goes, I am the leader of the Repairs. What? Also known for having Frasier's ass. The best ass in Frasier. Also got this giant badass shield

polished so good you can see your reflection. Damn, I look good. That was the longest intro I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, that was rich. Did you write that down? Yeah, wait, what's stuck on the back of that, Chia? Yeah, we investigate. Okay.

All right, roll a 13. This wasn't hidden very well. You can tell there's a little piece of paper taped to the back. With all of that written down, down to the dam, I look good. That was where it gave it away for me. Don't question your leader!

Now, Chip, also also I cannot lift this shield can you actually carry it for me until we see some action Chip? Chip's asleep oh I mean oh you were talking to me I'm actually the red rhino oh yes of course of course we cut to the rooftop Mick

angry walks out of the shadows and turns off the spotlight. Sorry, that was probably a bit jarring, but you were taking too long, and I had to transport you here as quickly as I could. Yeah, that's actually a cutout of me. I'm so sorry about that. That is a joke from last time, so you're just gonna kind of go with that one. But you're also here, correct? Yeah, yeah, I'm just going to kind of go with that one. But you're also here, correct? Yeah, yeah, I'm also here.

We're all here. Well, thank God you are, Repairs, because we've got quite a situation on our hands. Ooh. If you're up for the challenge, I was hoping you would take it on. As leader of this group, I agree to take this challenge on.

And I am the leader, by the way, not this little rat thing. Not so fast. I actually missed a lot of what he said. The thing that I'm wearing on my head is kind of squeezing my ears shut. Makes it very hard to hear. Is that written down too?

What the heck? To a T. What is going on? I investigate. 19. 19. 19? You can tell. Yeah, it's written down.

You see on a little piece of paper, in her hand, Jennifer, like, giggles. I'm actually pretty impressed. How does she know what is going to happen? She's like a magician or something. Despite who your leader is, the mission, if you should choose to accept it, is as follows. Why are you saying accept it? One of our top magical minds is on a remote island just off the coast of Frasier, and their life is in peril. They are working on creating a magical crop that would eradicate hunger in this realm altogether.

Oh, that sounds good. I like being hungry, though. Have been jeopardized by a giant monster. Because then I get to eat. Likes of which we've never seen before. I also like to eat. Yeah, same. Are you guys having separate conversations while I'm giving you the situation?

We're listening. We're listening. Could anyone else go for something, like, sweet? I've been in a savory mood. All right, you. No, little spider one. Black Widow, what was I talking about? Oh, me and all of his hands point at him.

All of his limbs. Uh, you were saying that there's a magical mind on a boat far away where there's crops that we get to eat. And, uh, guys, help me. I got this. You were saying that we can all stop for cupcakes before we go to an island for a vacation. For f*** sake. Okay. Here's the new plan. Listen to this one sentence. You will be dropped off at an island where you need to kill a big monster. Capisce? Capouche.

I'm kind of thinking I might want something savory. So maybe when we're trying to decide where that cupcake is. And with that, you hear the ca-caw of an enormous falcon as its talons sink into the top of the tower and perches there, ready to be mounted to get to the island. Here's your ride. Whoa. Shotgun. Dang it.

Oh, darn it. Okay. And as soon as all six of you are situated, the falcon bursts into the air and takes flight. It's horrible. My ears won't pop! My ears won't pop! I got ripped apart! Oh, it is beautiful, though.

Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Hey, you can see our bar from here. And then during this flight, the Falcon takes a couple intense turns and adjusts its altitude. And during one of these moments, Gidget feels Seb cling to her a little bit tighter. Hey, are you doing okay back there? Yeah, I just kind of got

like scared for a second. Sorry about that. Yeah, no, I'm fine. I should ask you, how are you doing Lord of Mist or Fog? Sorry. Yeah, Ancestor was God of Fog. And this is awesome! This is incredible! This is cool! I did it too. Yeah, I'm having a blast. Man, it's been nothing but like nonstop weird shenanigans and adventures since, I don't know, you came back into my life.

This has been pretty fun. Hold on, there's a Junebug in your hair. Do you mind if I, here, it's probably easier if I just grab it. Thank you. Yeah, no problem. If I shapeshifted into a monkey right now, that would be quite a delicious snack. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, what's stopping you? We should turn into animals during this. If we see some real sh**. Just like this June bug's going in my pocket, let's put that one in our pocket too, all right? Like, let's do that. All right, all right. Okay, okay.

I pull Black Widow and Hawkeye over to the side hey i know i just spent the one day with you that one time but is this guy more happy-go-lucky than normal or is it just me you know what i'm realizing right now and please don't tell like red rhino we can trust you, right? I keep all secrets. Cool. Cool. That seems good. Cool. So I had a dream last night they kissed, and it's just occurring to me now. Me and Seb share dreams. Seb just had a dream that they kissed last night.

Oh. Isn't that the craziest thing that you ever heard? Yeah. You guys share all dreams? Yeah, we share dreams. Oh, that's not it. Yeah, that's not it. Yeah, yeah. You guys share all dreams? Yeah, we share dreams. Oh, that's not, yeah, that's not. Sometimes I come in. You guys need to talk way louder.

I can't hear s***. Wait, did you read that? They investigate. She holds up a little note. She wants you to read it. She feels like nobody can hear her. She's writing everything she says down. Okay, and with that,

the falcon takes an abrupt laugh in the clouds part, and you realize you've been flying through the night. It is now dawn. The sun is poking up over the horizon of the ocean beyond this island, and you hear the falcon's voice in your mind say, get ready for departure. Ah! Ah!

What was that? This is perfect is perfect guys this is great i get to use another spell that i'm excited to do called feather fall aren't you a bard shouldn't you be doing that all the time i do it all the time man on air or kind of off air most of the time yeah when no one's looking. I like to do little spells when no one's looking. Anyway, I got feather fall baby and let's... Are we jumping from this guy? Time to make

your exit in four, three, two, one. Do you guys trust me? Sure. He puts out all of his hands. Then jump! So now you're all falling through the air. The island that was just, you know, more of a little speck is now growing and growing in size

and getting closer and closer with every second that you fall through the air. It's like Fortnite. It's exactly like Fortnite. Yeah. It's like Fortnite. It's exactly like Fortnite. Yeah. And so, Beef, you let me know at which point how close the island is before you cast Feather Fall.

It only lasts a minute, right? Careful of when you cast it. Yeah. Well, we're going to have to start over with new characters. I kill all of us. Could you? Oh, my God. Choose up to five falling creatures within range.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, God. Choose up to five falling creatures within range. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh no. A falling creature's rate of descent slows to 60 feet per round until the spell ends. What's the spell length? One minute. Beef, you guys yell that back and forth to each other. There's some panic in the air.

When should I do it, guys? My cans are heating up from this atmosphere. You gotta pull it. Which five are you picking? Beef's maniacally laughing. Beef, we're very close. You love me so much. I'll give you anything.

Oh my God. I gave you a chance. I know I just met you, kinda, but actually, we're closer than you think, and I wink at you. Kel, Red Rhino, we're closer than you think, and I wink at you. Kill Red Rhino! We don't know him! No, you know me! I cast Feather Fall.

Kill him! Kill him, thief! Please kill him, thief! Don't kill me, please! I'm gonna cast Feather Fall for all my fellow friends in hopes that little Jenny makes it through just by being in a pocket. Alright, it's a big risk. Yeah, I know.

I already apologized to the fans. Don't come for me. Her DMs are open. Come for her. Okay, so Beefcast Feather Fall with like 30 feet to go on this beautiful, more tropical remote island. And as you start to slowly fall to the ground,

Red Rhino feels a tug on his pocket because Jennifer wasn't cast on Jennifer and she still has all the velocity that she had before. That velocity continues in the Red Rhino's pocket, making him go topsy-turvy and start spinning, but still going super slow all the way down until he basically face plants into the sand on the island. Everyone else lands very gracefully.

Oh, perfect. And as Red Rhino gets his bearings and the rest of you help him to his feet, through the jungle foliage out walks a young wizard. Oh, you've made it. Perfect. I was beginning to worry that Mick Angry wasn't going to send the repairs, but you're here. And what you see coming out of the jungle foliage is a young boy with messy blonde hair that's parted down the middle wearing glasses. that's parted down the middle wearing glasses.

He also wears an open flannel wizard's robes, exposing a basic t-shirt, jeans, and a cool necklace with a little marble in it. And this is Spencer the Teenage Wizard. You're a wizard, Spencer. That's right, yes. Oh, and this is my little friend, and a black cat jumps up onto his shoulder. This is my cat, Hing hang him and i'm sarcastic

fun okay we're gonna have a lot of fun with this guy um here let me take you into my lab and we better move quickly because we don't want to be gobbled by the monster and then you guys walk through a brief path to the jungle and then he takes out his wand kind of touches it to his glasses for a second pushes them up the brim of his nose, and then taps on a couple rocks next to a waterfall. And a waterfall parts. Whoa. And you walk into what is Spencer the Teenage Wizard's laboratory.

Wow. And again, you see tons of beakers and flasks and cauldrons and magical delights and lights moving about the room in very specific and what seems like intentional patterns. There's also all this laundry and pizza boxes and everything's sticky. You are a teenager. He is Mountain Dew from Jalper. Yeah, Code Red, too. Well, you know, I've been trying to figure out this thing to stave off world hunger,

so it's been taking up a lot of my time, and my mom hasn't had time to visit, so I thought it would be quicker and I'd see her more, but me being out here remotely, just haven't had much time to clean stuff up. I apologize. I mean, it sounds like you were expecting visitors, but that's okay. Yeah, it sounded like you were waiting for us to get here, but... No offense. Yeah, I guess he's not busy staving off world hunger.

Oh, speaking of that, do you got any snacks? Yeah, like something savory or a cupcake. Like a sweet, savory cupcake. Yeah, like a meaty, sweet cupcake. Ooh, meaty, spicy. Well, I guess the closest thing that I've got would be something that I invented myself. I've taken local fruit and dried it out and put it on these little mats and then rolled them up. I call them fruit mats.

No, I think we're looking for a spicy meat savory. Hey, you know what, kid? I'll actually entertain your creation let me let me try this fruit mat what's it taste like oh this tastes pretty good oh whoa one bite and i'm 100 full what the yes it's supposed to be sort of like a health potion as well whoa okay so now that um everyone's had a bite of that, can you help me with the problem? I mean, we're kind of wasting a lot of time here. Oh, yeah, you need us to kill your cat or whatever?

Yeah, we're going to kill your cat. No, stop us. Okay, I'm going to cut straight to the chase here, okay? There's a big monster. It's humongous. It's got like, I don't know, six to eight legs. It's a giant lizard thing. And when people look at it, they turn to stone, babe.

What you need to do is kill this thing, okay? Now, I heard that you're pretty good at what you do, so I guess we'll have to see. Now, if you can kill this creature, then we will reward you with everything that we can. As much, you know, frickin' fruit mats and I don't know, whatever. But know that you're helping save the world from hunger. Any questions? I got a question.

Is your belly soft? Is that a soft belly? Hey, Spencer. Yes. Not that we can't handle this ourselves, but do you got any, I don't know, potions or weapons or anything that can help us get the job done? Don't you guys already come with your own weapons and powers? Yeah, we do.

Okay, just wanted to make sure. Yeah, just check in. We can go. All right. Well, thanks for your help. Yeah, I've got my full confidence in them. Oh, thank you. Sincerely, though, good luck,

and, you know, we'll be rooting for you. And we'll try to watch if we can. And you'll have our full emotional support. Don't worry. This team will have this job done before dark evening. Oh, that would be awesome. Good luck, Repayers. All right, love you.

We leave the lair, and we don't know how to open the waterfall door, so we just get dumped on and drenched. The waterfall smashes you into the ground, into a stream, and you all kind of like spit out on a riverbed a quarter of a mile down. Okay, start looking around. Can we

do a perception check of where we should be heading? Okay. I rolled a nat 20. Whoa. Chalice, you not only know which direction the cave is in, you, like, actually see the open mouth of the cave. And it isn't too far. It's about a half mile away on the side of, like, a cliff face,

like a mountain face. And it's probably not too long of a walk or a trek before you get there. So this would be the time to, if you wanted, formulate how you're going to approach the situation or if you're just going to go in there. All right, I see the cave. Y'all want to wing it? Bawk, bawk, bawk. We wing it.

Yeah, we freaking wing it. Y'all got new spells, right? Yeah, we can figure it out. Yeah, something like that, yep. What about you? What was your name? Fogthor? Fogthor Legthor, I say, I say.

And I say, I say that, yeah, this sounds fun. Let's do it. Nice. Awesome. I don't want to think too much, but we could potentially sneak up with a thick cover of fog. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it.

Okay. Is it plan time? I'm the leader, and I say we go this way. Swim down, Jennifer? You want us to swim down? No, no, no. It's right there. Swim down.

Swim down. No. Don't look them in the eye. She's holding sheet music. She's sight reading right now. It's not sheet music. It's not sheet music. I've been working on it a really long time. I said sheet music. You can sight reading right now. It's not sheet music. It's not sheet music. I've been working on it a really long time. I said sheet music. You can't hear sheet, Jennifer.

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We're all on our tippy toes. Everyone can roll for perception with disadvantage. Okay, I got 18. 17. 14. Wow. Wow. So you guys can kind of see just ahead of the fog since you're kind of coming in with it.

And you see that it's really just one large tunnel. But if you take it down about, you know, 100 yards, you can see that it's going to curve to the right. And Chalice, you can hear some gentle reptilian snoring. I'm scared. Yeah. Freaking out. It's freaky in this cave. It's cold. Yeah. Freaking out. It's freaky in this cave. It's cold.

Oh, cold? You know what? Isn't it like if we keep reptiles cold, they're not going to wake up and stuff? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where'd you read that? I've actually been going to night school.

You must know our friendship. Oh, that's how I know him. You must recognize me. I go with our friendship. Oh, that's how I know him. You must recognize me. I go with my friendship. I sit outside in the hallway and scream, that's me. Oh, that's you. Yeah. People are kicking you all the time because you're kind of just on the ground.

Yeah, yeah. One time people kicked me around like a ball for 20 minutes. Yeah, it was called hacky beef. Yeah. Yeah, I like that idea. Nice and cold. Anybody got ice? I think I can freeze water.

If there's any water in here, I can freeze it. Yeah, dang it. If only anybody had like a spell where they made like snow appear out of thin air. I can make snowballs appear. Oh, oh wow. But I can also shape water into ice. What's more helpful? I can create water.

You can? Oh, holy cow. Seb. more helpful? I can create water. You can? Oh, holy cow. Seb. Dang, your spells are actually useful. Holy cow. Why are you laughing? Yeah, why are you laughing? No, it's not.

Why are you laughing at me? Yeah, why are you laughing? No, I just. We do this all the time off mic. Yeah, when you're not on air, yeah, yeah. You guys, I'm sure, are doing this all the time. Right, yeah. All right, Seb, why don't you put a little pool of water

around the dragon reptile monster, and then I'll freeze it. Okay, I'm going to put it by its foot so we can freeze its foot down or something. What's the part of the body that if it cools down, the rest of the body cools down? Like the neck? Probably be the neck, yeah. The butt. The butt's a good guess.

Maybe heart, too, but butt is a really good guess. Yeah, I'm going to go butt. When in doubt, go butt. Yeah, when in doubt, go butt. The butt. The butt's a good guess. Maybe heart, too, but butt is a really good guess. Yeah, I'm gonna go butt. When in doubt, go butt. Yeah, when in doubt, go butt. All right, I'm gonna cast create or destroy

water. I create up to 10 gallons of clean water within range, and I'm gonna create that water on that butt. So we got a big, wet, sopping butt now.

What ass? It's a great ass. Yeah, I thought Jennifer had the juiciest ass in Frasier, but this contender is contending. Okay, as soon as that spell is cast and the water appears, the basilisk, which is what this is, pees its pants because it's sleeping

and it got part of it dipped in water like at a sleepover. Well, let me freeze it. Let me freeze it before anything happens. Well, it's waking up right now. I'm freezing it. I and it got part of it dipped in water. Like at a sleepover. Well, let me freeze it. Let me freeze it before anything happens. Well, it's waking up right now. I'm freezing it. I freeze it. Okay. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I didn't read the whole thing. What is it? Oh, Aaron, what have you done? Oh, God. What is it? Okay. This one's on me.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Hawkeye, what did you do? You told me you could do this. You said you could do this. You can freeze water provided that there are no creatures in it. So all we accomplished was giving it a big

soggy ass? This thing is now very angry. And in order to do this, y'all had to turn the corner to see it and so you're like within 30 feet of it. Oh no. Oh God, I'm sorry. This is like stinky all over again.

As was forewarned, the basilisk has a petrifying gaze. So if a creature, meaning any of you, starts its turn within 30 feet of the basilisk, which this is, and the two of them can see each other, which you can, the basilisk can force the creature to make a DC 12 constitution saving throw.

Oh, yes. Yes. Good. 18. 21. 13. 10. Gidger rolled a 14.

Nice. And Jennifer rolled a 19. So on a failed save, Beef, we're looking at you. Uh-oh. You magically begin to turn to stone, and you are restrained. You will repeat your saving throw at the end of your next turn. Wait, what? What?

So you made eye contact with the basilisk, and now you are turning to stone. I tried to cover my eyes with all my other arms, but it just didn't work, I guess. Black Widow, you're getting rock hard. I'm getting so hard, you guys. I'm freaking out. It's okay, Beef. We'll fix this. The bass whisk now charges angrily

and bites the closest person to them, which is the red rhino. Ooh, okay. That is a 18. Oh, no. If my armor class is 18, is that a hit? Yeah, it's a hit, right? Equals or exceeds.

Yeah, so it does hit, right? Yep. Okay, and it does 10 damage. Owie, owie. Chip! I mean... You're a rhino. And now let's have the rest of y'all roll for initiative

I rolled a 19 8 And a 4 Oh I rolled a 4 too Oh cute Hey Ben Which one of your initiative modifiers is higher? I'm a plus 1

3 Oh damn it So Hawkeye you are up Can the basilisk be charmed Sean? I don't think so It's not intelligent basilisk be charmed, Sean? I don't think so. It's not intelligent enough to be charmed. Oh! Roasted basilisk. Yeah. You got his ass.

So I'm going to cast the snowball swarm and the creature takes 3d6 cold damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. Oh. Dexterity 13.

The basilisk failed, so it will take 3d6 of snowball damage. Oh. Nice. Okay. The basilisk just took 6 damage. Nice. And now, next up,

Fogthorn Legthorn, being the druid that she is, transforms and takes to the sky as a beautiful red phoenix. Whoa. And she goes straight for the basilisk's eyes. That's smart, because that's how they petrify us. That's a good move, Gidget. Yeah, that was some chamber of secrets. That's awesome.

Beef looks over at Sep while this is happening with like a smirk. I'm sorry. Did you break wind? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, no reason. Let's just say Beef's not the only one getting rock hard right now. Whoa, Red Rhino. What?

We're all friends here, right? Actually, we barely know you. You're not really friends. Oh, okay. I'm sorry about that. But Seb, looks like Beef's not the only one getting rock hard right now. Nice one, Joe. I like it now.

I like it now. It's funny when a friend does it. Down low, down low. Yeah. Up high now. But I could be your, we could all be close friends, right? Tickle my stomach. Who's got a soft stomach?

Gidget, as the phoenix that she's now transformed into, is successful in scratching right above the eye, and it is now bleeding there and has taken an additional six damage. Oh. Whoa. Nice. Red Rhino, you are now up. Chip, not Chip.

Red Rhino would like to jump and dive head first, horn first into the skull and brains of this basilisk. Whoa. Okay. Give me an attack roll. Okay, so I botched. The red rhino, in all his glory, trying to prove himself in this heroic moment, explodes off of the ground,

and he actually got a running start up into a jagged rock that is coming out of the cave floor at an angle, so it's already 10 feet off the ground, and he actually got a running start up into a jagged rock that is coming out of the cave floor at an angle, so it's already 10 feet off the ground so he could get a really good jump. But Red Rhino jumped off that high point so hard that he actually overdid it and jumped right into the ceiling where his horn has now gotten stuck in the ceiling, and he's now limply dangling from the ceiling,

and his feet are just kind of kicking there like a kid on a swing. Oh, that's a fun image. Action surge. I'm going to action surge. Action surge. I get an extra action during my action. What? Red Rhino's freaking out.

Hi. Wait. My head's in the ceiling. I'm going to use an additional action. Nobody go yet. It's my turn. Dude, just be done. You look like a chandelier that's. Nobody go yet. It's my turn. Dude, just be done. You look like a

chandelier that's panicking, buddy. Just stay up there. I gotta make up for this. Action search. So once per turn between short rests, I can do an additional action on a turn, and I'm going to do that right now. So I wiggle, I dance, and I shake, and I shake all around, and then I

loosen myself from the ceiling, and I spin slowly until I'm head first once again dropping down onto the basilisk set. Okay to remove yourself from being stuck I will say that's an action but because you'd be falling down on the basilisk regardless once you're unstuck we can let this play so if this wants to be another horn attack, you can. He needs this. I really need this. Does a 15 hit. It does hit. Oh,

save myself. That was almost embarrassing. Actually, all of that was really hard to watch. Oh, 13 damage. Nice, nice. The basilisk is bloodied. At least half of its damage has been done. I would think that The basilisk is bloodied. At least half of its damage has been done.

I would think that I'd be dead by now. It's really kind of just halfway there, it looks like. Yeah, that was pretty cool, though, what I just did, right? Sure, man. Yeah, it was fun. When your little legs were panicking in the air, was that the part you were talking about? And your arms couldn't reach the ceiling.

Yeah, that was funny black widow you are up all right let's get this bitch fried um whoa black widow like shakes their auburn hair out of their face and they take out some lip gloss and put it on their lips and they say, it's time to dance. Or something like that. You can't move. And I'm gonna use shatter. A sudden loud ringing noise, painfully intense, erupts

from a point of your choice within range. Each creature in a 10-foot radius sphere centered on that point must make a constitution saving throw. A creature takes 3d8 thunder damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful

one. Whoa. Freaking tank. They pass. So the basilisk will take half of 3d8. So let me know what 3d8 is for you. Okay, 6. Ooh. Okay. 1. Ooh. Okay. 1.

7. 2. So 4.5. We'll say 5 damage. I'm going to shoot sound right into its ass. Yeah, and it's soggy, so we get advantage. You hear that, DM? Did you hear me?

Yes. Yeah. And I want the sound to come from my butt, too. Well, Beef, you don't want it to be at your butt because it's the sphere around the point at which it comes is where the damage hits.

Oh, so it can't be my butt? Unless you want to potentially be damaged as well. I think I do. 14? I'm going to assume 14 probably passes it,

but you do have to take half damage, so you're going to have to take five damage as well, like the basilisk. Okay. That's worth it to me. And Elizabeth, if I haven't said it yet today, I love you. I'm insane.

At the end of your turn, Black Widow, you have to roll another saving throw to see if you fully turn to stone here. Okay, before I turned fully into stone, I was like, take this, and I bent over so the sound... You can't see it coming out of my ass, but you know it's coming out of my ass. Yes.

Before you turn to stone, thank you for clarifying. Yeah. And I got a nat 20. Okay, nice. So, you don't fully turn to stone. Thank you for clarifying. Yeah. And I got a nat 20. Okay, nice. So you don't fully turn to stone. On a success, the effect ends. Wow. So you are freed from it. Okay. Wow, that was great, everybody. Did everyone have fun? Now, Iron Man, you are up. It's me, Iron Man man and i am going to use flaming sphere one of my new spells a five foot diameter sphere of fire appears in the unoccupied space of your choice any creature that ends its turn within five feet of the sphere must take a dexterity saving throw.

The creature takes 2d6 fire damage on a failed save. And as a bonus action, if you ram the sphere into a creature, that creature must make the saving throw against the sphere's damage. So I'm going to put that very close to the basilisk, and then I'm going to move that with my bonus action. What does the basilisk have to beat to save? 13.

It does not. So it's going to take freaking 11 damage. Whoa! That's big time. Basically the best I could do. This thing's hurting. It's not dead yet? Next thing up is Captain Frasier.

Oh, here we go. Oh, God! Captain Frasier sprints as fast as she can to the red rhino. I need my shield! I need my f***ing shield! Here's your shield. And I look at the back of the shield, and it's the script, I need my shield, I need my shield.

What the hell is going on? Jennifer's going to roll to see if she can lift it. So she rolled a four. It's way too heavy for her. I'm f***ing dead. Now it is the basilisk's turn. The basilisk comes sprinting, moves very quickly at Black Widow. No.

And it uses its bite. No. And it critted. Oh. So this isn't going to be good. 18 damage. Oh. Beef.

Does that not kill beef? Beef, did you have damage or no? Yeah, I had that fart damage I took that I still insisted on. Yeah, yeah. It was about five or six points away from you instantly dying. You guys hear that? You guys hear that? So that looks pretty horrifying.

The basilisk gets Beef and its jaws. And this thing is nasty looking. It has eight legs. Kind of looks like a spiky bearded lizard that's enormous, you know, and weighs like a ton. You don't want to do this. I look just like you. Look at all my arms. Hawkeye's up.

So now, yeah, Hawkeye's up. Okay. Does Jennifer still have her shield? Yes. What should I roll? If I want Chalice to slide on her knees, like she is about to, about to do an awesome guitar solo, and then put up the mirror shield to the basilisk,

and then go, like what you see? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good.

So you're doing a showstopper number here. You want it to look. You want to get its attention. So roll for performance. Roll for showstopper. 17. Wow. Okay. Wow. Okay.

The basilisk looks over at the shield of Captain Frazier and is met with its own reflection, and it is restrained. And stone crawls up its neck all the way to its eyes, and its eyes gloss over in stone. It is completely stone for the moment. I guess and its eyes gloss over in stone. It is completely stone for the moment. I guess it didn't like what it sees.

Beef, you're dead. Seb, can you save his life? Cracks neck, cracks neck, cracks fingers, cracks fingers. Is this leading to a no? I'm going to cast Cure Wounds, yeah

Plus 9 heal So beef your back up to 9, baby That's like better than when you farted so hard I wake up Did we... Did we do it? Well, you didn't manage to completely blow it Okay

Yes, you didn't manage to completely blow it. Okay. Yes, you did do it. And actually, to put it more proper, you helped me do it. Oh, this is not surprising. You see he grabs the eggs of the basilisk that the basilisk was protecting? These eggs were the last ingredient I needed to concoct my mind control device. So now that I've got this, I think I'll be on my way. Oh, God.

Wait. Wait. You want to know why I do the things that I do? Let me make it very clear. I'm insane. Oh, no. Oh, no. God.

Mick Angry Santa's on this mission. He sucks at his job. He sucks at his job. Yeah, he should vet these people. Spencer the Teenage Wizard and Hingham disappear, and they teleport away, but the words still ring in your heads. I'm insane.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. I'm insane. So he's bad? Yeah. So this is bad. I think we should have picked up, you know Oh, my God. So he's bad? Yeah. So this is bad. I think we should have picked up, you know, dirty pizza boxes. There was, like, that big bottle of lotion by that chair.

Yeah. Stiff sock. It was just gross. So. Well, we f***ed up. Yeah. Didn't ask any questions. Next time we go on one of these. Which, this was fun.

We should do another one of these. I had a great time. Yeah, this was good. Good time. I'm just thinking we messed a lot of these Which this was fun We should do another one of these I had a great time I know It was good Good time I'm just thinking We messed a lot of stuff up Yeah We're leaning against the basilisk

Reminiscing Yeah I know It was fun It was fun It was a good time Is anybody else like hungry Like Yeah

Like a savory Like a Yeah like a savory Like a A muffin A savory cupcake That's what we're craving. A muffin.

I want a muffin. And you know what? Actually, I don't want one, but maybe your friend Chip would want one. Nah. I don't think so. Oh. We gotta let him rest. We gotta let him sleep.

Her DMs are open. Come for her. No, Erin! No. Spend all day messaging Elizabeth. Twitter, Instagram. Her email is elizabeth.beef.iminsane. At hotmail.com.

At hotmail.com. I still have hotmail. I'm insane! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keith, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment,

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