SitcomD&D - S3 E9: JR

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

After intercepting a letter from his estranged wife, Seb leads the gang on a harrowing quest to get back to his beloved J.R.  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song & Chuck E. Busters song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Sean Coyle & Ben Briggs Edited by: Sean Meagher Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as part of your everyday routine without needing to set aside extra time. There's more to imagine when you listen. Listening can lead to positive change in your mood, your habits, and ultimately, your overall well-being. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. That was the earliest my Harper, my sister's baby came as 31.

They were all preemies and all had to be in the NICU. Yeah, it was this time that all my nieces nieces and nephews came damn that's making me want to do our go back tonight yeah panic and throw a bunch of fruit by the foot in a duffel bag you'll be ready to go welcome back to sitcom dnd&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. That had very musical quality to it. I feel like you should start singing that. Yeah, you're singy today. Can you sing this one, Sean? Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Never mind. Today. We're going to work on the melody. Yeah, we're going to have Arnie auto-tune that back to dialogue. Thank you, Arnie. Set myself up with 110% effort only to get kicked in the nuts. Welcome to Sitcom D&D. That's us.

Today we are picking up inside Chucky Buster's in the early morning, just as the sun's rising, as the gang is getting the place ready to open for the day. And right on time, the mail is arriving. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef.

Waleed Mansour as Chick Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Mail is here, mail is here. Everyone, the mail is here. Mail is here, mail is here. I can't believe the mail is here.

Beef wants to sing. He goes to sing, But then he just screams instead A little better today Beef That was almost a note I know I know My god but can I still kiss your toes Please I don't get that part but I won't say no

Alright Hey Mailman are any of my Products here I don't get that part, but I won't say no. All right. Hey, mailman. Are any of my products here? You see, I am starting a new business. Actually, we could all start the new business. If you spend just a little bit of money, you can buy into the company that I am a part of now. It's a great opportunity if anyone wants to talk to me about it. Is this a way to raise money, you're saying?

Is this what you were doing last night, late into the night, when I peeked through your door and you were brushing your teeth with your hairbrush and combing your hair with your toothbrush, saying crazy things into the mirror? Babe, that's just my nighttime routine. I'm talking about starting a business. Sorry, you were bringing mail? Yeah, I believe, you know, some of

these are addressed to you. This package, this might be some of the materials. Ah, nice. Any letters from Alberta? There is a letter from Alberta. Oh, really? Yeah, there you go. Thank you. I'll read this in private. Tucks it in my pants. Did I get any ads or anything?

Any ads? Oh, yeah. Here's the weeklies. Oh, good. Yes. Coupons. Hey, Mr. Mail Guy, do you mind just handing us our mail so we don't have to ask for specific pieces every single day?

Oh, yeah. That would be kind of nice. Yeah. I feel like we have to guess with you. It's always a game. Beef, is there anything you're expecting, Beef? No. Just give him his mail.

I can see you holding something for Beef. Just give it to him. You're waving it around. No, I don't have anything coming for me. Beef, it's your subscription to Sandwich Monthly. Oh, I forgot I got so sad about Not being able to sing that I forgot That I have a monthly subscription

Yeah here you go buddy And then This says this person This got forwarded from their last address I guess it's I don't know if it's under construction or no one lives there anymore But got forwarded on here As a forward address For Gidget Bones.

I'll get that. I'm not her, but I can get that to her. Oh, Seb. You're going to get your mail for your girlfriend? You've been quiet this whole time just to come at me like that? Oh, my God. You guys are dating now? Are you guys dating? The GFBF? No, we're not dating. No, no, God, you guys are dating now? Are you guys dating?

The GFBF? No, we're not dating. Are you using the G word? No, we're not dating. What did I say? Did I say that word? You said you love her. No, I didn't.

What's happening? No, we're just giving you a hard time. Real quick, was I too quiet earlier? Should I talk more? No, God're just giving you a hard time. Real quick, was I too quiet earlier? Should I talk more? No, God, no. Well, I think that about does it on the male side of things, so I'll be on my way. Mail was here, mail was here,

but now I've delivered the mail to you. Mail was here, mail was here. All right, thank you. Are you going to go give your girlfriend the letter that you got? I'm just holding it. No, we're going to have breakfast in a little bit. We're going to eat some grapefruits and we're going to. Oh, but you're not wearing your grapefruit goggles.

I wonder why. I wonder, are you trying to look cool not wearing your grapefruit goggles for your girlfriend? Gidget is helping me get over that fear, all right? It's really helping me get over that fear of acid in my eyes, which is like a real deal, all right? Hey, guys, I'm actually going to take a break and take my magazine downstairs into the cellar for a little bit. Could no one bother me? We all know what you're going to do. Beef, just go.

Yeah, you can leave. It's that time again. Who wants to learn the Shaggy Mustard's Triads? Pretend you're eating some cheese. Now practice eating that cheese while I put my hands on the keys. You put your hands on your knees

And have an allergy While I play on these reeds Now this one here is an absolute must Turn your face up to the sky and scream Ooh, I'm on a bus Now cha-cha once Great, now let's try it together Pretend you're eating some cheese

Then put your hands on your knees And then get ready to scream. Ooh, I'm a boss. Cha-cha. We're not even open. Out of curiosity, did Beef do the dance? Yeah. He did it over the...

Put his pants down? Yeah. He did. And then he fell down the stairs. He was all the way down. Okay, roll D4 damage. I appreciate you keeping us accountable lately. And I don't appreciate it.

One. Take that. One damage for beef. Now, Seb, I'm actually going to have you roll for perception. 17. Okay, with a 17, as you were going to kind of back pocket this letter to give to Gidget, you catch the return address.

It gets caught in the corner of your eye and you have to do a double take because what it says on there is J.R. What the? I was about to back pocket this. This is, I'm going to smell it is i i'm gonna i'm gonna smell it can i smell it can i do a smell check yeah sure natural 20 wow there wasn't any like perfume on this or anything but you can confirm this it this smells likeR. and like very slightly. I tilt my head back up at the moon and I howl like a little wolf.

I go, oh, my God, this is from J.R. And I. Huh? This letter is from J.R. Whoa. Wait, I thought they didn't talk anymore or something. Are we finding out J.R. is alive or was she already alive? She was already alive.

Okay. Okay. Good okay good yeah what do you mean i thought i i mean i think there's some of us out there that thought she definitely was already i thought she was fucking toast what happened thank you jennifer i thought you were in denial i kind of felt like a fool for a second but yeah no we are i mean i think a lot of listeners out there thought she was definitely dead no she we're just we've just been on a break for, you know, five or six years. No talking or any sort of communication. You got to read it, man. That seems like crossing a line and I'm opening and I'm.

Seb, you're saying one thing and literally doing the opposite. This is not OK. And I'm opening the letters. I'm putting on my bifocals. And I will text you what it says, Ben. And so Seb can read this. I'm stressed. Yeah, I'm like, I did. Like Aaron's stressed.

Glad I put deodorant on before this. I'm sweating. Me too. Us too. Yeah. stressed glad i put deodorant on before this me too us too yeah yeah all right get here as soon as you can the two terrors made sure every single one died so you have to bring S-V. S-V. Sebastian von Hugen. Seb, I think you should seal that back up and pretend you never saw it. It doesn't seem like it's any of your business. I kind of went full wolf mode and just

absolutely destroyed the envelope. So that is no longer possible. I'm open to other suggestions. Ochi, have you got anything? Yeah, lie. Absolutely just say oops, fell open, read it, M-I-S-V. I Oh, Chip, you got anything? Yeah, lie. Absolutely just say, oops, fell open, right at M-I-S-V. I think that's, you just go flat out, say that. I mean, Gidget and I don't really like lie to each other.

That like goes way back. So like. I can say that I opened it by accident. That kind of works. Okay, so you allow other people to lie to Gidget, just not you? And I'll do that if you buy into my awesome company. It's makeup, but it's made out of trash. Oh, no.

Well, then I'm not going to do it. Okay, fine. I'll lie. I'll lie. I'll happily lie. Red flag. Yeah, that's a little weird, but good. I mean, benefits me.

I've done it before. I do it all the time. I'm happy to lie. Wait, there's a return address on this. What's it say? Well, it says where JR lives. Seb, we literally just went on a quest, like last episode.

It was like, I'm so tired and my legs kind of hurt, Seb. Oh my gosh. We have all resolved to get 10,000 steps a day and this puts us towards that goal, alright? I'm the only one treating it with any value these days and I don't like that. Look at my

flashy ass over here. You guys look like shit. What? You look like shit. No? You look like shit. No, yes. If you accuse us of not taking the step count seriously, then you haven't been paying attention to us at all. I'm obviously in a weird place

because I know JR is in danger and we got to do something and we have the address. We got to go. Are you suggesting we don't even tell Gidget and we just go straight there? I don't know if we have time. I'll leave her a note. Let's just go. Anyone else having a hard time focusing,

knowing what Beef is doing right now? The worst part is you can hear it. You can hear it loud. Oh, roast beef. You're right. Maybe I should tell her maybe i should go maybe though there's a third option oh seb what's the oh seb what would that third option be that third option is we go to my psychic huh my soothsayer well i don't know what the hell you're talking about i go to them like three times a week.

How has this never come up before? What? Hey, what? No, I see a psychic. I mean, that's part of why we're in this financial debacle. You pay them? And this psychic's going to tell us whether or not, what, JR's actually in trouble or not? Precisely.

See, Jennifer. Oh, Jennifer gets it. No, I was questioning you. I was, no. Jennifer's literally. Oh, Jennifer gets it. No, I was questioning you. I was, no. Jennifer's literally standing next to us right now. She is on our side. And I'm grabbing her by the little scruff of her neck and I'm putting her back on my

side. Yeah. Give him a break, you guys. Let's actually hear him out. I understand this feels like a big moment in your life right now and I want to support you as much as we possibly can. The only problem that I foresee is somebody has to go stop Beef right now. And in that moment, the door flings open and Beef has a white towel that's wrapped around his neck and he's holding on to both sides of it.

And he's like, oh, oh yeah coming up for uh coming up for air i gotta get a gotta get some uh sprite or squirt or whatever going back down there yeah round two uh beef what kind of bad news yeah for the first time ever seb needs us to go on a whimsical adventure and it's hard to say no to him because he's really been there for us in our weirdest of times. Yeah, JR's alive. Why is that surprising? I thought JR croaked years ago. I know.

I know, right? No, this letter proves that she's alive and well. And my psychic that I go to three times a week also has indicated as much. Wait, who's your psychic? Say their name on three. My psychic that I go to three times a week also has indicated as much. So... Wait, who's your psychic? Say their name on three. One, two, three. Fairy Jay.

Fairy Goldman. Do we go to the same psychic? You have different psychics. Those are different. Oh, okay, okay. That's a different person. Sorry, yeah. I thought we wanted to say psychic.

Yeah, same first name. All right. I guess I can hold off for round two for a little later. A little side quest could help me get my 10,000 steps in. What are we thinking, guys? You consider this a side quest, and your main quest is what you're going to do in round two? Yes, Jennifer.

Yes. This is my side quest for the day let's get going all right sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and with that said i've got a question for you what's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

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And Fairy J flutters, opens the door that is, you know, humanoid size, and lets you into her quaint tree-like cottage. Is Fairy J's last name Blige? It is now. Nice. She has a warm and welcoming smile as she answers the door. She's very small. She's about 10 inches tall,

but she has big fairy wings that are about the size of her. She has a twinkle in her eye that suggests she knows something that others don't. Her hair is styled in her signature bouffant with a scarf and a headband that adds a touch of mystery. She wears flowy, brightly colored textiles that complement her warm and nurturing personality with jewelry that suggests her psychic abilities. Well, hi, y'all.

Oh, Sam. I didn't know we had an appointment. Well, I mean, I did. I mean, I did know that you were coming, buddy. God! Terrible start. You're only walking. I'm not worried.

Oh, wow. This is neat. Did you guys see that? I've never seen a real-life bouffant in my life. Look at that bouffant. Close enough, Beef. And your name must be Beef. Now, come on in.

I've got some hot tea piping hot right off the stove. Ready for y'all. Come sit your keisters down on the couch and tell me what is what. Don't have to tell me twice. Beef barrels in. He walks around like a dog, like making himself comfortable in front of the fireplace. He's like doing circles. I came because I have a quandary for you.

Much obliged. Sorry. I'm just loving my new name. No, it's great. Okay, so, you know, we have that person that I talk to you about sometimes i'm not gonna say because you know you're jr you're talking about jr right well i'm not gonna say but we just need to know if there's any danger in people all you talk about it's like every time you come here it's

kind of all you talk about okay it's three times a week safe on. Sorry. Yeah, so we didn't know if they're in danger or anyone around me is. Oh, Sab. Oh. Oh, my God. This whole place feels like it's shaking. You guys are feeling that, right? She's shaking the table. The mystic beings are screaming in my ears, Sab.

Oh, Lord. She's kicking it with her foot. What are they saying? All of a sudden, Fairy Jay's eyes roll back in her head. Oh JR is in trouble Sam. Oh You need to save her. Oh My god, I am SP. You need to get there as quick as you can Goodness gracious them what just happened? Oh, did I toot? What happened? Did I toot? Did I pass out and toot?

I think you did toot. Yeah. Yeah, you did toot, but you've channeled them before. Your serious spirit, Legion. Oh, I channeled Legion. Goodness. Well, that's going to have to cost double then. Because that's real.

Because that's real then. What about the rest of it? I just say stuff sometimes. And you're very fair about that. You go, I'm just kidding. I'm very fair-y. Much obliged. Okay, so we'll sort that stuff out later.

It sounds like you've got to get going, Seb. Get going. Okay, yeah. No, we've got to go on a extremely violent quest where uh what we gotta yeah you you heard legion it's she's in danger you guys obviously there's gonna be you know roughly 20 to 45 bad guys we're thinking you know bugbears rocks dragons we're gonna need some backup and i put on sunglasses. We're going to need to go to Wanjik.

What? Yeah, we don't know who that is. Yeah, who is that? Sorry, sorry. Let me take these off. We need to go to... Wanjik is kind of... He's like a...

I don't know. He's like a magical person that makes magical weapons. He doesn't do magic, though, right? I hate magic. Beef. Beef, you know spells. You do it.

We're breaking through this. We've seen you do it a bunch lately. No, no, no, no. I put my sunglasses on and I go, trick or treat, mother f***er. Let's go. And then we calmly walk out. Don't do it, Sean.

But it's just good. No! No! Ow! We could have walked. It was two houses down. Is anybody else starting to enjoy it a little bit? Yeah, I thought I was the only one.

All right. We have to do a special knock or else Wanjik won't answer. All right. You guys watching? We all have to do it individually? I think he just wants us to watch. Oh, he just wants us to watch. Okay.

Beef holds Chip and Chalice's hands and they just stand there watching. Oh, that's nice. And we don't watch. Beef holds Chip and Chalice's hands, and they just stand there watching. Oh, that's nice. And we don't watch. And Jennifer holds her hand out as high as she can to be held, but no one seems to see it. And then Seb knocks once and puts his hand at his side. That is it. Who is it? The coffee in Peru is hot.

What the hell are you talking about, mother? I don't know. What do you need? I need something for an epic, you know, a really epic battle sort of situation. This is sad. Sorry, you still haven't opened the door. And Wanjik puts down his sandwich magazine

and pulls up his pants and opens the door. Yes. Welcome back, Seb. Oh, that's a very nice towel you have over your shoulders. Yeah, hey. Ron, you brought friends. Yeah. Are these guys idiots too? Just like you?

No, I don't think so. I'm Chip Ahoy. I did the thing where I lied about the thing about going and gets fallen by a dragon and burst my eye out killing it. Oh, I've heard of you. You're a loser. Oh, what? Anyways, walk with me. And Wondjik starts walking so fast down the hallway.

Oh my God. And they have to run to keep up. For those of you who forgot, Wanjik is an old gnome dressed in tattered robes. He wears incredibly thick spectacles and sports a long, thin, wispy white beard. He's also just like not a small character in Seb's story. Like he has a full life very interesting patchwork

of a life that was just one really small part of it all right right this way okay whoa we're going so fast all right this is the potion room this is the potion to turn you tall potion to turn you small mott's applesauce love love potion, love lotion, Jessica Simpson cupcake perfume from 2004, a potion to make you a very grumpy witch, a potion that makes you forget your friends and your kids, wizard piss, rampage, oh, you already used that up. What does wizard piss do? It gets you drunk. Oh, okay.

But you're going on some sort of quest, you said, fun, whimsical quest? Well, danger's imminent, it would appear. So, yeah, there's two terrors. This way! Wajik takes off. Whoa! Run! All right, we're in the whimsical weapons section.

Let's see. Ooh, you know what might work out great? I just got in four new tridents. Three are tall. One is a little smaller. And one's the size for, like, I don't know, a rodent. That probably won't help you, though, right? I want the big one.

Well, of course you do, little lady. And Wanjik hands the biggest trident to Jennifer. Thank you, Majore. And hands the smallest one, the rodent- biggest trident to Jennifer. Thank you, Major. And hands the smallest one, the rodent-sized one, to Chip. What? Oh, this is the one for because it's so small, it's so powerful. I get it. No, it's basically

a fork. I think that one might actually just be a fork. Yeah, no, that actually has some salad on it. Yeah, that is just a fork. Now that you got your weapons, you look all wrong. Let's see. All right. Matching teams.

Matching teams. Do you want to be shirts or skins? Skins. Skins. And Wanjik collects all of their shirts. Whoa. Okay. Great.

And helmets. And then Wanjik puts football helmets on all of them. What do we think? Are we ready for a quest? Yeah. Would a loser do this? And I run headfirst into the wall to test out the helmet. Yep.

So what's up? You guys want to stay for some wizard piss? Maybe play a game? Hell yeah. No, JR's alive. JR's alive. We got to go save her. I'm so sorry. My sidekick says that we got to go! No, JR's alive. JR's alive. We gotta go see her. I'm so sorry.

My sidekick says that we gotta go. Hey, Wondjik, Chalice broke something. I didn't! I really didn't. And Chalice is just surrounded by shattered glass. That was my last bottle of the Jessica Simpson cupcake perfume. I don't like you at all. They don't make that anymore.

Get the hell out of here. I don't want to see all. They don't make that anymore. Get the hell out of here. I don't want to see you around here for at least another season. Way to go, Chalice. Sorry, guys. Got a bunch of broken glass all over you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're bleeding everywhere, Chalice. Yeah, and I'm shirtless and wearing a football helmet. This is not my day. So after you leave Wondrix Havel, Seb, you know that the return address

was smack dab in the middle of Allen Partridge Pear Tree Forest. Nice. That is a pretty enchanted forest that can be dangerous

to travel through. And this is smack dab in the middle of it. We got to go to the enchanted forest. Everybody with me. Let's go. Oh, wow. Oh,

my gosh. I don't have shoes anymore. What happened to my shoes? Now that you're on the outskirts of Alan Partridge pear tree forest, when you go to walk in and pass the threshold of the trees that signify the entrance of the forest, you find yourself automatically walking back out. Hmm. We're not done, so that's not what's going on. Maybe we are?

Did we finish? Do it faster. We must have done it. Inside your heads, you all hear at the same time. In order to enter Alan Pocktridge Pantry Forest, one must share a secret. Oh. Nose goes.

I touch my nose. Nose, nose. Well, this is not a great day for me. My makeup's made of trash. I'm covered in broken glass and i have to share a secret first but you know what i don't feel like i got much to lose right now my secret is that i was trying to steal the cupcake perfume because i i kind of wanted chip to think that i was pretty too i think you're pretty i i already thought that don't don't worry i thought you were

pretty you didn't even eat it you're beautiful challenge I already thought that. Don't worry. I thought you were pretty. You didn't even eat it. You're beautiful, Chalice. Chalice tries to run away. Chalice is trying to run as far away as she possibly can. But then she keeps coming back because she's trying to run to the forest. But she keeps coming back out. Yeah, her secret hasn't registered yet. So it keeps spitting her in there.

A's are valid secret. Come on through. Oh, that's so crazy because that was a lie. No, it was in fact true and you may now enter. Shut up. She kicks a tree. Jennifer, you got one? Do I have one?

Yeah. Okay. I swore I would never gamble again, and I haven't. Jennifer goes to walk through and spits her back out. Jennifer. It's still, no, it must still be, it's waiting to see if it's out. Yeah, yeah, go ahead, try it again. Yeah, try it again. And I'm going to, and I'm right back out.

Okay. That was not a valid secret. It was a lie. What? You don't have to do this whole song and dance, Jennifer, that you're shocked by that. Let's just move on. Okay.

Jesus. Sometimes I use Beef's Sandwich Monthly. Hey, you got to let people bust. You got to let people bust you gotta let people bust good point jennifer almost gets sucked into the forest so one of the classes i'm taking in night night school is about learning magic because i'm jealous of your spells whoa all y'all got spells and I just hit things with a big axe. Oh, yeah.

I just hit things with a big axe and I feel like a loser. Wanjik freaking nailed me. I'm a freaking loser. No, Chip. There's something nice. I forget that you're not magic. Your personality is magic. You're so strong, man.

The last quest we did, we wouldn't have been able to kill that guy without your strong, strong axe. I don't even know I was sleeping during that. Oh, yeah. Well, the other one. Oh, that one. Yeah.

And Chip gets sucked into the forest. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sucked off into the forest. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sucked off into the forest. All right, Beef. You want to go or you want me to? Beef's like wringing his wrists. I'll go, I'll go. Sometimes.

Louder. Sometimes late at night I'll put on Chalice's wedding dress and put on some of her trash makeup and pretend to be her because I've always wanted to know

what it's like to be a beautiful princess beef secrets are things that people don't know about yeah buddy you do a fashion show for us like every time you do that it's awesome we love that it's like my favorite thing you do but that's a truth it's not a secret yeah it was a truth but yeah it's gotta be something we don't I'm in love with one of my coworkers. Oh. What? What? Well, the forest is surprised.

Everyone's surprised. Yeah, what's going... Which one? This is juicy. This is sappy. Oh, God. Is it someone in the band? I'm not telling. That was my one secret.

And Beef gets sucked off into the forest. Whoa. Man, we're going to have to explore that at some point. A little breadcrumb for y'all. World building. Seb has his eyes closed. He's, like, strained because he knows his secret. He's scrunching his nose because it feels almost painful to say.

But then he just goes, after all this time, I couldn't even tell you what it sounds like if JR laughed. Oh. That was a sad secret. Yeah, can you tell a happier one? Sometimes I be taking the sandwich magazine down to the basement. Woo!

You guys are already in the forest. No one to high five. All right. Oh, no. That one's invalid. Looks like that was a lie. Seb doesn't even take the monthly sandwich. I just don't know how. Seb, I mean, maybe you should say something about Gidget.

For the first time in a long time, I feel connected to another person in a way where I feel understood and seen. It feels really nice to be appreciated by another person. And Seb gets sucked off into the forest. Oh! Oh! And now you're in a very enchanting forest.

And as you make your way, you know that it's pretty much smack dab in the center of this thing. And Seb has a pretty good sense of direction here. And he's leading you all on this trek. But it's not too long before you come across your first obstacle, which is the fact that there's a pretty big canyon in the middle of this forest. And the rope bridge that would be connecting one side to the other is down.

And it's connected on the other side. But on this side, it's not connected. So it's hanging down on the other side of the canyon. Does that make sense visually in your head? Yeah. Yeah. Could you fix that and just have it connect all the way? So we can just walk across.

Yeah. I'm not on your side. Fine. How far is the canyon it's about like 20 feet wide just too far to jump can we uh take the unbreakable rope and tie it to a arrow and then shoot that across the canyon you definitely could do that you. You can try. Okay. I'd like to try. What are you aiming for? I'm aiming for a tree on the other side. Okay. 15. So you shoot the arrow,

it flies across the expanse, and kapow! Smack dab into a tree. Nice. And it's a good hold. Who's the loser now, Wanjik? Who's the loser now? Wanjik? Who's the loser now? Wanjik just senses that Chip said that when he's at his cottage and he goes, you. Let's freaking go.

Time is of the essence. Let's move across. Yeah, I tie the other side that I was holding to a nearby rock or tree, something sturdy, and I make the rope taut. Is our side at an angle higher than the other side? It's actually just about even. So I can't zipline. Okay, cool. No.

So how are y'all planning to get across this rope? Oh, I know what I can do. Oh, what do you got? Well, it doesn't really help you guys. So that has been established. I use Misty's step Step and I teleport across. There's no time. Let's go.

Come on, everybody. Okay, you guys want to shimmy? Yeah. Great. Everyone give me an acrobatics check. Except for seven, Jennifer. Thanks, Sean. No problem, Jennifer.

Oh, Jesus. I got a six altogether. I got a 12. A 17. I got a six altogether. I got a 12. A 17. So it'll go Chip, Chalice, and Beef. As all y'all are shimmying across about the midway point, Chalice loses her grip and starts to fall.

I'll give Beef and Chip a chance to try to snatch Chalice out of the air. Yeah, oh my God, Chip! What do we roll? Roll for dexterity again. Oh no. If Chalice dies, can I take over playing another character? Can I be Seb?

No! Why not? Oh no, I rolled an eight. Can I be Seb? No. Why not? Oh, no. I rolled an eight. And I rolled a nine. Beef and Chip, you both reach out your hands to snatch Chalice out of the air. You make your swipes, and all you grab is air. Oh, no.

Okay. I, if I can, I'd like to whip the rope and like untie it from the other end that it's tied on so that it like swings down. Give me a strength check on that, actually. Okay. I'm basically trying to bust the tree that it's tied to. You gotta let him bust. Oh, Nat 20. You gotta let him bust. You gotta you gotta let him bust oh my god the boys be busting baby

okay but you're not out of the woods yet well yeah we're in the woods nice as you pull the rope free on the other end y'all start to swing down towards the other end, y'all start to swing down towards the other end of the canyon wall. Now, Chalice, you, as the rope moves closer to you at the same rate as you're falling, have a chance to now grab the rope. So give me a dexterity saving throw here. No whammy, no whammy, no whammy. Oh, no, no, no, no. Eight. Chalice goes to grab onto the rope, but would be pretty hard to do to catch onto a rope that's falling at you. It slips right through Chalice's fingers. Beef, grab her!

It was close enough to give Beef one final chance to grab Chalice. Oh, my God. God, Erin, I'm going to miss you a lot during this podcast. It's been so fun. I know, it was so nice meeting you. lot during this podcast. It's been so fun. I know. So nice meeting you.

If this doesn't turn into a good roll, this is going to be a two-part episode is what this is about to turn into. Okay. I roll a 16. As you're falling towards the canyon wall and Chalice is grabbing at the rope, but not quite landing a good grip, Beef, you get a good hand on the back of Chalice's football helmet. Chalice is holding onto the helmet, you're holding onto Chalice, and you're

holding onto the rope, and you are now slipping though, Beef, because that's a lot of weight for you to carry. Chalice, grab the rope! What? You're just hanging there! Grab the rope! I'm having such a weird day! Chalice grabs the rope.

Now what? What do you guys do? We climb up. Okay. You successfully get to the top of the ledge, exhausted. Okay. Let's go, you guys. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Did you just see what we went through? I was like 30 feet that way. I thought you guys were right behind me. All of us misty stepping our way on over there.

Chalice almost died, man. You okay, Chalice? No. Oh my gosh. Chalice, are you all right? Yeah, this attention helps. She better be in trouble. Otherwise, you are going to lose a lot of cred

for the quest that you make us go on. Jennifer, I noticed that you didn't try to save me, by the way. Okay, I was busy. Okay. Okay. That worked? Yeah, it seems like it. I'm not going to overthink it.

Everyone roll for perception. Nine. Fourteen. Eight. Fourteen. Nobody sees them before you're completely surrounded. 9. 14. 8. 14. Nobody sees them before you're completely surrounded, but yellow eyes of a pack, a pack of wolves that have now surrounded the party. And they look hungry.

Hungry for what? Fun. Yay. Good thing I asked. Thank God we're safe. I'm going to turn straight up into a wolf using wild shape. Nice. And I'm going to cast speak with animals.

Wolves to the forest, I say. They can f***ing talk. That's right. And I got more than that. I'm here to talk to you about a great opportunity. And I'm here to talk to you about working from home. And Chalice just assumes what they're talking about. She can't understand them,

but any opportunity. Oh, we see an opportunity, an opportunity for lunch. What if I told you that we're about to go into a bunch of frickin' baddies just littering we're talking 25, maybe a two-headed dragon, like something

crazy, two towers or terrors, something insane. It's gonna be a bloodbath and I want you to get in on it today. Sounds like you want us to get into some kind of battle. Sure as hell.

What, we're not just gonna fight for no reason? Or for lunch? For a meal, this would be a much easier meal. What's the reason? Why should we go to battle for you? Love. Pardon? Love is why.

We're going to save my estranged wife. Oh. Well, you buried the lead, pal. We all love love, don't we? Yeah! Are they going to sing about it? And are we hungry, boys? For fun!

These guys are the best, I think. You think they're good? Tell your sexy friends to get on our backs and we'll take them there as quick as we can. You want me to tell them they're sexy? Sure. Hey, you sexy little beast. That's the wolf's words. Let's get our little tushes ready and let's go.

We're doing this for love. To JR! The whole time the wolves were talking back and forth to each other Chip, Beef, and Chalice made little crowns out of the grass and the little flower weeds and they're all wearing them

we place one atop Seb's head is Seb in wolf form? is he going to be riding a wolf? as a wolf? Please say yes. Please say yes. Seb? I'm going to go ahead and say no, I don't think that there's any other thing that I would want to do other than that.

So yes. Yes, I do. I do. We did it, everybody. For love. Good episode, everyone. Let's go home. We're done.

Chip blaze across a couple of them just to distribute his weight. And you guys take off on Wolfpack through Alan Partridge's Pear Tree Forest. And before you know it, you are upon a quaint, beautiful cottage. You know, I don't ask for much. And in those moments when I do need help, it's great to have some friends like you here to, you know, be on my side. Chalice, again, so sorry that I just kind of let you all dangle there. I think we're all past that, though, now. I get it, man.

If I was on my way to see my ex, I would be a nervous wreck. I just need to know that she's okay, and I need to know that I did everything that I could to make sure. All right? I haven't seen her in forever, but I just I just want to make sure that this this happens and that whatever happens today, we tried our best to, you know, do the right thing and to support the person I love. Chip, 20 gold pieces says she's still dead.

I think she's still dead. And I'm going to be honest, I don't see any bad guys. And we kind of just brought like 50 hungry wolves here. I think we might be the people that are bringing the danger, frankly. If she's not dead now, she'll be dead at the end of this, I guarantee you. Beef, while Chip and Jennifer are talking, Beef just breezes, runs right past and through the clearing towards the cottage and he has his trident and everything and he's like,

For love! For love! JR steps out the front door in the flesh, clotheslines beef and says, what the f*** are you doing on my property?

Hey JR, it's Chip. Hi. Oh my, Chip? Yeah. Chip Ahoy. Yeah, Chip Ahoy. Yeah, Chip Ahoy. From high school. Yeah. And from like, you know, the early stages of your relationship with your husband, Seb. Hi, I'm

Chalice. Heard a lot about you. She's part of the gang now. Oh, and this is Beef, the one you just, who's choking on the ground. Oh, sorry. And that wolf over there, hold on, is Seb. Nope. That wolf, hold on one second.

The football helmet. Yeah, with the football helmet. That one is Seb. Football helmet. Seb. JR. Hey, would you mind turning back into your human form just so I can be sure it's you?

I just can't believe this. Yeah, of course. I'm so sorry. Yeah. One second. Still incredibly painful, huh? Okay. Yeah.

Oh my God. So good to see you. And JR runs up and gives you a huge hug. And it's JR. It smells like JR. It feels like JR. It's JR. Where are they?

What's going on? Are you- Holy shit, there are a lot of hungry wolves around. Guys, run. Hey, get into my house. Get into the house. No, no, no, no, no, no. They're on our side.

They're on the- They think we're sexy. They, yeah, specifically. Once again, that's Chalice. She's a lot of fun. Hi. Normally, I wish you were meeting me in better sorts. I'm topless with a football helmet on, covered in glass.

Yeah. Claiming that wolves thinks that you're sexy. Yeah, wolves think I'm sexy. What's the situation here, Seb? In just a minute, we're about to freaking KO some bad guys. Hey, Seb, I'm so sorry. It is so great to see you. Do you want to come in and catch up?

I don't... What's happening? No, we're here to fight, lady. Yeah, we great to see you. Do you want to come in and catch up? I don't. What's happening? No, we're here to fight, lady. Yeah, we're here to fight. To free you from this enchanted forest. And you're, you know. What is it? Like, what are the two terrors?

Are they like some sort of. Two terrors? What are you talking about? You know, your letter. My letter? Wait. Two terrors, my letter. I didn't send you a letter, Seb.

He did not open a letter that you sent to Gidget. That's not what happened. So what did you think was going on? Well, the two terrors, they've killed everything. Uh-oh. Bring SV, Sebastian Von Hugrant. Oh, Seb, okay. Oh, Seb, okay. Oh, Seb, why do people keep saying that to me today?

Hey, I'm not in trouble. And then you hear from around the cottage, Honey, is everything okay? No, no, no, no. Everything okay, honey? No, no, no, no. And around the corner walks just an absolutely chiseled lumberjack of a dwarf. And he rounds the corner and he's been shirtless chopping wood.

He's like, you didn't tell me we were having company. Dang, shirtless and sexy. He could be part of our crew. Yeah. Holy, that's a lot of wolves. Yeah, and we're here to help. Don't worry, they're hungry for fun. Well, you know what? We need to prepare a bigger dinner, huh, hon?

And he comes up to JR and he lightly puts his arm around her and he kisses her cheek. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. This is my husband, Daniel Knight Lewis. Oh, no. Wait, no, no, no. This is your husband, Sebastian Von Hugh Grant.

I'm your husband. Guys, don't tease. Come on. We tease a lot. It's kind of like one of our favorite things, usually to me, about me, push me down into a mud puddle. But we're not teasing about. Yeah yeah not a moment for teasing jr i'm sorry you're not in danger you're married to someone else am i concussed what's going on i i mean i don't know how you got confused my letter first of all wasn't intended for you i was responding to a letter from Gidget. That's impossible. Gidget and you haven't talked

in years. I mean, we're best friends still. No. No, no, no. You guys drifted apart naturally and like... No, and then she was asking me in this letter, she was asking, you know, about my tomato plants because she's got a green thumb. I certainly don't.

Well, I let her know that, you know, the two tears made sure every single one died. Is that like a two-headed dragon? It's like, who are the two terrors? And then two small children around the corner laughing. No. Oh my god.

These are our two. These are our little ones. We call them the two terrors when they're misbehaving. So these are the guys we have to kill. He hasn't tried it. Ready. Can you get him

under control, please, around my kids? No. We've tried so many times. It's almost impossible. And the kids immediately just jump on him and then they're rolling around and kicking him in the nuts. And they're laughing, having a ball. Play safe, you two.

Well, these are my kids. I'm sorry they're a mess. This is Rupert and Grint. Are these my children? Oh, Seb. Is that why you... No, because they're obviously four, five, and you left about six years or something ago. and then I didn't know when I was ever going to see you again or come back.

I don't want to make any excuses. I should have been more clear, and it's just we got married so young, just basically straight out of high school, and I'm just making excuses. I'm so sorry. I thought that you knew that we were done, Seb. I'm sorry. We haven't talked in years. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, years I'm sorry I'm sorry yeah cuz he

was giving you space years years and volumes of space and it engage it she knew about this I did she know about what that you guys are still friends right yeah we talked yeah she's over here all the time no no because we don't lie to each other we've never lied like i that's why i couldn't tell her that i i well didn't accidentally i very purposefully opened the letter uh honey i'm gonna actually gonna i'm gonna scoop the kids and i'm gonna take them out back i'm gonna let you handle this you're a really strong attractive man. Thanks, man. Listen, lady. I fundamentally do not understand you. Seb is the best guy I've ever met.

And if you needed to actually break up with him, make that clear. Send a couple letters. That's an important relationship. And now you're here and you're just acting like it's confusing that he's confused? I don't respect the way you move through the world.

That's my best friend. And he deserved a little bit better than that. For someone who looks so ridiculous, you actually make a really good point. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Seb. That's it. You're sorry. That's it.

I, what's the deal, man? Is it a party? Are we fighting someone? We're a pack of hungry wolves. We kind of need, like, incentive. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a tennis ball. You guys want this?

What is that? Whoa, and all those smells. What are all these smells on this tennis ball? Is he going to throw it? Is he going to throw it? Oh, didn't throw it. Oh, I thought he threw it. Oh, didn't throw it. Oh, I thought he threw it. Oh, oh,

didn't throw it. Okay, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. Okay, all right, and I threw it. I threw it. Beef runs after the ball, too, with the pack. No, no, Beef, please. Beef, get back here. Oh, sorry, sorry. Um, Seb, I, I, your friend, the

fun one, she's right. Um, I'm really sorry, and, I, I, your friend, the fun one, she's right. Um, I'm really sorry. And, um, God, I feel horrible. All these years that you wasted while I was out, you know, finding true love. Don't rub it in his face. I know. I know. I'm just saying sorry.

You're being weird. J.R. sucks. J.R. sucks. Okay. Okay. No, she doesn't suck. Everybody. Everybody. I know I'm just saying sorry you're being weird JR sucks JR sucks no she doesn't suck everybody everybody first off I don't like the word that I've wasted any time I built and tanked a thriving

and failing business I've met some of the best people that I've ever known and I never felt more connected to people in my entire life. So I haven't wasted any time. The only waste is that, like, I didn't get the closure with you. I didn't get to move on in that capacity. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just leave.

Well, you're welcome to stay for dinner. I still consider you one of the greatest loves and friendships of my life. I'm just sorry. Maybe we'll get there, JR, but just not today. I got a lot going on. I think I need to talk to Gidget. I think I just need to leave. Beef, get out of the dinner table, man.

We're not saying for dinner. We're not? We're not saying for dinner. No, we're not. Where'd you get that lobster bib, Beef? I always carry one just in case I come across another person's dinner. And it's just embroidered on it. You gotta let people bust.

Yes. Well, I'm really happy that I got to see you. You know where we are, so you're welcome anytime. That's all I wanted to say. That means a lot to me. I'm working as a pooper scooper at the Chuck E. Busters.

No, no, no. He's a CEO now. Sab, let us help you. Come on. He's all of our bosses and he runs everything. Well, you know what's really crazy is that I'm the boss to this guy. No, look at me. Look at me. No, you just chased after a tennis ball. Don't do this

to him. Oh, man. All that's to say, you're welcome anytime, vice versa, and yeah, let's not let another six years go by. It'd be really nice to actually catch up with you. And it sounds like you've had a whole lot of life lived. And I'm excited to hear about that in due time, though.

Same. And you were never dead? No, not even a little bit. And then JR kind of leans in and then can't tell if she should give you a hug or not, Seb, and is trying to read your body language. Yeah, put it there, and I just put out my hand. Let's just do one of those this time, and yeah, I think that's what we got to do.

She backs off, nods understandingly, and shakes her hand. All right. Toodles. Oh, fuck. We gotta go. Okay. Talos just fireman carries Seb over her shoulder.

She's like, we gotta get out of here. We gotta leave now. We gotta go. Snooze you later, lady. Beef pulls up some peace signs as they're walking out back into the forest. Can we do the chant now? Now that we're far away, can we do the chant?

Yeah. J.R. sucks. J.R. sucks. J.R. sucks. Hey, Sab's the best. Sab's the best. Sab's the best. Sab's the best.

Sab's the best. Sab's the best. And they all group hug him together. We love you, buddy. Seb's the best. Seb's the best. Seb's the best. Seb's the best. Seb's the best. Seb's the best. And they all group hug him together. We love you, buddy. And I meant when I said that, you know, I haven't wasted a moment with you guys and I really appreciate you all.

And that I allowed myself to open my heart to the kind of friendships and, you know, to these freaking whimsical adventures. I mean, leading one of these? Wowzers. So fun. Yeah, no, sorry. She was not in danger.

You still lost, dude. We don't. Sorry. That was the deal. Tip, tip, tip. What? Read the room. Oh, shit, the wolves.

They're back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I do not have another ball. I do not. Wait. Sean, do it. Sean, go.

Sean, Sean, Sean. Please. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ah Oh, my God. I do not have another ball. I do not. Wait. Sean, do it. Shit. Sean, go. Sean, Sean, Sean. Sean, please. Oh, yeah. When y'all get back to bottoms up, morale's pretty low. And y'all kind of pat Seb on the back and shuffle off, make sure that he's doing okay. And Seb, you notice a bunch of scraps that were the envelope to the JR letter that have now been placed on the bar top. And there's a new note there. Oh, it's from Gidget.

Dear Seb, I'm sorry I lied to you about JR. Don't worry, I've already left. You won't have to see me again i wish you all the best i can say i was trying to protect your feelings but i'm being honest i think i was just being selfish i'm sorry gidget bones i mean she did lie like i'm not like that we we made a point we weren't gonna lie to each other and

but I didn't I don't know if I wanted her to maybe I did want her to go I just don't yeah yeah good red ants right well let me get there

I kinda wanted to just talk to her about all this I wanted us to I just don't know how I feel. It's that time again. Time to learn the Shaggy Busters dance. The, what is that? What is that called?

The return address. The return address. Thank you. Cut that, cut that. Keep it, keep it, keep it. You've got to start keeping it every time I correct Sean. I notice they all get cut. Every time Sean says a word that I fed him, it's cut. Do we want the episodes

to be twice as long? I don't think so. I think we should make a super cut of it at the end of every season. Actually, yes. We will play, like, sentimental music under it. Just being like, no, dumb, you're dumb. Like an in memoriam.

An in memoriam. This will be the death of me. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Ben and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible.

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