SitcomD&D - S4 E1: The Aqueducts

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

With Chalice being captured and presumably held hostage at Glass Castle, the only way to reach her is through the dangerous aqueduct system flowing underneath the city of Frasier. But since Chip is too distraught to be of use, the gang will have to call in Red Rhino and the Repayers to step up to the challenge instead. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Erin Keif & Waleed Mansour Edited by: Sean MeagherSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Sean, Sean. I know what you're about to say. We did not level up at the end of season three. Can we level four, please? I don't know if I have the authority to even make that call today because someone else is DMing this episode. Don't spoil it, but yes, you can all be level four. Yay!

Yay! Yay! Except one of you. Oh! Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. So, at the end of Season 3, our four heroes, five if you count Jennifer, bought their beloved bottoms-up bar back from the evil corporation Chuck E. Buster's. All was well until the former Princess Chalice got kidnapped back by the crown,

just as Chip A. Hoy and her were confessing their feelings for each other. Everyone remember that so far? So far so good. Yeah, I think so. Great. Ringing all the bells. We're going to pick up a couple days after this happened. Sebastian von Hugrent, Beef, Jennifer, and Chip have been brainstorming for days about how to get Chalice back.

There are pots of coffee everywhere and takeout boxes scattered about. They have a board with all of their ideas of how to break into the castle written on it, and most have been crossed out. No one has slept in days, and everyone is looking a little strung out. days and everyone is looking a little strung out. Chip Ahoy in particular is looking pretty rough because he feels so guilty for not being able to save Chalice at the end of season 3. And

on top of all this emotional turmoil, the grand reopening for Bottoms Up is about a week away. And in order to restore Bottoms Up to its former glory, there are stonemasons, painters, piss delivery men, and all sorts of other people coming in and out of all the chaos. So,

I'm so excited. Quiet on set, sound is beating, and we're rolling! Yay! Yeah! Wow, what a good... Dang, that was so good. I mean, it was like, just as good as it

ever was. Here, Sean. Yeah,. I mean, it was like just as good as it ever was. Here, Sean. Yeah, Sean. Oh, come on! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms of

As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice glass elizabeth andrews as beef the lead man sewer as chip a horny ben briggs as sebastian von hugh grant and sean coyle

as everything else sitcom dnd is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Beef is using his new spell, Mage Hand, to wake himself up by slapping his face back and forth. Oh, God. Did you come up with something? Did you come up... What'd you come up with? What was it? What is it?

No, nothing. Chip, no, it wasn't anything. I was falling asleep. No, you did it. You did it, right? No, Chip, Chip, I was falling asleep. She's back? Did we, right? No, Chip. She's back? Chip, I was falling asleep. She's back? Did we do it?

Oh, God. Can someone switch with me? I don't want to be on Chip duty anymore. This is tough, you guys. I got you. I got you. Hey, Chip. What about your dreams, Seb?

Why don't you access through your dreams? I'm just not that tired. I feel like I've become nocturnal lately, and I can't ask that of, you know, Chalice, and I don't want to. So, yeah, I just don't want to. Such a weird part of our plan that if you just slept for a little while,

it would really help. Okay. Okay, moving on. Well, tell that to this pot of coffee, because it's empty, all right? There's nothing I can do. Oh, you there. Careful with that piss, sir.

Careful. Just throw. I know it sounds weird. Throw it on the wall. That's where it belongs. Mm-hmm. Throw it on the wall. Yeah, you really want to soak it in.

So if you could just, it's going to take one, two, three, probably three coats if you could do it. Guys, guys, Beef's staring at the board. I don't know. I really don't know. I think we're all out of ideas. I think this is where we got to start kind of maybe thinking of like,

how do we make a stuffed animal of Chalice? Beef, why can't we just fly in from the skies? I wrote the skies down and nobody can fly into the castle from the skies. You wrote disguise down, all right? Yeah, disguise. Let's go from disguise. Oh, my God.

Chip, for the 98th time, we cannot infiltrate the castle from the skies. They've got people all looking at it. They have men that look specifically at the skies. Nobody is taking Jennifer's idea seriously. If this castle isn't pregnable, let's get someone who has a ton of sexual chemistry with it over there, have it fall in love, and get ready to start a family.

So that it becomes pregnable? That it's pregnable! That's such a good idea. No, no, no! No, no, she's had this. We're not going down that path. Anything! I just, anything!

While they are talking, a turtle named Christopher Plummer, wearing overalls, sort of shuffles up to them while wiping his hands on a rag. He's a master of drains and underways and he has gray hair, deep wrinkles, and a painting of his grandkids in his front pocket

that he's excited to show off. Your bathroom plumbing is reconnected to your beer tap boss just like you asked. Thank you. No, I'm the boss now. No, I'm the boss now. I am boss now. I thought Tom'm the boss now. No, I'm the boss now. I am boss now. I thought Tom is the boss now.

Whoever's the boss, I did what you asked. And hey, I couldn't help but overhear you talking about how impossible it is to break into the castle. And it reminded me of a job I did once. You see, me and my brother were in charge. We don't have time for this. We're trying to figure out how to get into the castle I'll be on my way No, Jennifer, I mean, sir, nice sir

Beautiful turtled sir Please, sit down Have a cup of piss with us What were you saying about the pums? Don't mind if I do Me and my brother were in charge of connecting The aqueducts of Frasier To the moat around the castle when we were just starting out.

And you know what we noticed? That every time the drawbridge went down, a hole just big enough to swim through would open up underneath it. If you swam through, you'd end up in the castle walls with no guards to stop you. I mean, we offered to fix it, but they brushed it off and said no one would be dumb enough to get that far. Okay, well, that guy was a total snoozefest. Can we refocus and figure out a way to get in the castle? I carved a little chalice out of soap. I mean, I know you guys are not interested in going that way,

but the only way to get there is to a very intricate and dangerous aqueduct system that is underneath the city. And it's a real mess right now because the royal family basically removed funding from all public works. I'll be on my way. Nice to meet you. Thanks,

boss. You're welcome. No, no, me, me, me. No, you're welcome. Well, you snoo, me, me. No, you're welcome. Well, you snooze, you lose. I mean, I could take you guys there. Wait. I know the way, but you probably wouldn't be interested in something like that.

We all are looking at each other for at least a minute. Okay. Chip? Chip? I think this is it. I think this is really our only way in. We got to do it. Yeah, we got to go through the little hole. We got to go through the little hole.

I don't think we can keep staring at Chip. He is not the person we need to be looking at to make decisions right now. The dude is compromised emotionally, y'all. We got to go through the little hole. We got gotta save her She told me she liked me I told her I liked her What?

She told me she liked me I told her I liked her What are you saying? And Beef uses Mage Hand to slap him a bit What are you saying Chip? You're talking crazy You're crazy She told me she liked me

And I told her I liked her back We did it. And then what happened? And then what happened? Then that's when she disappeared. I went in for a kiss. I said, can I kiss you? And she said, yeah.

Oh, baby. Oh, yeah, baby. I like that. Baby, oh, yeah. That's what she said. Oh, my God. They went full. Will they?

Whoa. I have to be the one to save her. Yeah, that's what she said. Oh, my God. They went full. Will they? Whoa. I have to be the one to save her. I have to go, and I'm going to wear clothes because it's hotter and it's sexier, and she's going to like it if I just go fully naked through the sky. Wait, the tunnel in the hole, and I'm going to be there, and I'm going to scoop her up, and I'm going to fly out and happily ever after. Oh, God. He's got ripaway pants. He's freaking Donald Ducking right now.

Oh, my God. Chip's singing. This is not good, guys. Chip's fully naked now. Yeah, buddy. That sounds like a great plan, buddy. We huddle to the side without Chip. Okay, guys. Hey, Chip! Look at this! Look at this!

It's a little soap chalice! Go get it! Go get it! My chalice! No! Not again! We gotta talk, y'all. We've gotta talk instead. I don't think this guy is anywhere mentally ready to save her. I wish there was somebody

that was just like Chip that could do this, but that has the mental powers. Chop! Oh my... Oh God. Wait, but Chop, I think it's Sunday, so he's going to be busy all day wedding people. Yeah.

Ori! There's so many characters like that. Oh, oh, oh, Ori, oh. Ori, oh. Wait, where is that son of a bitch? Probably across the street, but that guy is booked. He's never really,

he never answers my calls. Yeah, you're right, you're right. And then Beef looks over at the red phone in the corner. Wait a minute. The red rhino. Speak up. The red rhino.

Oh, yeah! Yes, yes. No, good. Let's go, baby. It's repairs time. Beef goes over to the phone and he dials the one button on the phone and it rings. You hear a ringing from Chip in Sam's bedroom. Chip is sadly holding the soap chalice whose head has now popped off at this point.

Happily ever after to me. Oh, shit. Okay. to me. Oh, shit. Okay. Oh, God. He's crying and yawning at the same time. He's still naked.

I'm sleepy. I'm so tired. I gotta chat. Wow, that's convenient. Oh, that's okay, buddy's okay buddy listen you nap and then whenever you're done sleeping then we'll reconvene we'll all save her yeah save her together yeah you guys aren't gonna save her till i wake up right that's right totally man totally get out of here go get some shut eye chip slowly backs up and then turns around and sprints up the stairs.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh. Oh. Hello, Mr. Rhino. Mr. Rhino.

Yeah. He answered. Yeah. Oh, we got. Yeah. Sorry if I caught you at a bad time. No, it's good. Just working through a little something on my end.

That's good. Just working through a little something on my end. Well, we don't want to distract you or anything, but we got a huge, huge problem. One of our crew members got taken and we need to save her. She's in the castle. I heard that was impregnable. Did you find a little hole or something? Yes, there's a little hole beneath the castle. Oh, god, Red Rhino, we need you, we need you. Red Rhino, can you hear me? It's Jennifer. It's, oh, I mean, it's Captain Fraser. And I'm Iron Man.

Seb's here too. Yeah, it's me. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. Thank you. anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So we're going to cut to they are all lined up in their repairs outfits and so since they're all going underwater is anybody wearing something special today beef's wearing his classic spider

outfit but it and it's like remember that like really sleek like leather jumpsuit and he shaved uh everything on his body and he's wearing a swim cap and goggles perfect so you can't even tell that he's shaved everywhere right not not even a bit there was no there was no point in shaving any of anything okay seb's iron man is uh just a bunch of tin cans, kind of crudely taped to his body, and then I also have an iron. But now I'm wearing a snorkel. Perfect. Jennifer is wearing her typical Repair's Captain Frasier garb, except for she has a blow-up inflatable around her.

It's a dragon head comes off the front. And she's also wearing a golden helm. You recognize it because it used to sit on top of the cane that Anton Ego had to control rats. Looks like Jennifer and the kitchen rats hollowed that bad boy out and made it into a helm that Jennifer can wear. That's sick. That's so cool. That is really nice.

And the red rhino, for some reason, you could kind of tell he's not doing super well. So he actually, the red scarf that he normally wears is kind of all he's wearing. He has his helmet with the big horn on it, but otherwise, the red scarf that he normally wears is kind of all he's wearing. He has his helmet with the big horn on it. But otherwise, this red scarf is wrapped around him and he's wearing nothing else. Mostly naked still, I guess.

Mostly naked. Almost like you caught him off guard. Interesting. We'll never know for sure what that means. Okay. So Christopher Plummer leads them to a manhole cover that's in an alleyway just behind Bottoms Up. On the cover, it says,

Fraser Waterways, this way to the aqueduct, authorized personnel only. And the manhole cover is like at least 500, 600 pounds. So it's going to be hard to move. What are you going to do? Wait, did you see us change into our costumes? Do you know our secret identities? It's just a guy.

I don't ask too many questions. I'm too old to ask questions. When you get to my age, you'll understand. I think we have to kill him. Yeah, isn't that the rules? Hey, you got this big fella here. I'm sure he can help. You want to move this big manhole?

Yeah, I can live. Oh, yeah, Red Rhino can do anything. Oh, yeah, do it, Red Rhino. And we sure he can help. You want to move this big mantle? Yeah, I can. Oh yeah, Red Rhino can do anything. Oh yeah, do it, Red Rhino. And Waleed, obviously, I'm going to have you roll with disadvantage every single time you roll. Why? Red Rhino's big and strong.

17. Red Rhino, aka Chip, aka Waleed, is able to lift it up. But since he is not totally in his right mind, the dismount of it is not great. And so now it just lands upright inside the same hole. He drops it and it's sort of like a coin going in the slot the wrong way. Okay, good try, buddy.

Yeah, I pulled it up high, didn't I? It was impressive. Yeah, I got it. I got it. Pulled it up high, didn't I? Wasn't that impressive? Yeah, okay. Something's up with him. He's being weird. Well, he did say he was in the middle of something when I called him, so you know, it's just, you know, we gotta go with it, man. He's the only person we got.

Come on, Red Rhino, maybe one more time. Yeah, I got it. I got it this time. Here we go. Yeah, I got it. I got it this time. Here we go. Yeah, you do. Can I give him like bardic inspiration? Sure. Hey, guys, I'm firing off on Onceladus.

I've already done two. Where are you guys, huh? I'm like trying to keep up, and I'm just like in awe of you. It's a new season, baby. With disadvantage and then also bardic inspiration plus three from beef, the red rhino rolls a 18. Okay, so this time he's able to get the manhole cover off completely, but when he throws it to the side, it breaks a window and bottoms up.

We'll have to deal with that later. We'll have to. We'll put that on the long list, the laundry list of things that we need to do to get the place back up and running. All right, okay, but they, oh my God, Red Rhino, thank you so much. Follow me down here.

We're going to go down this long ladder into the darkness. Follow me. Go ahead, guys. Hey, what's the end game here? Why are you doing this, huh? Me? Yeah, what's in it for you, man? I thought maybe you guys would pay me a little bit for helping you out.

Tell you what. Here's how I'll pay you. We get our friend back, you don't die. Okay? Okay. They already want to kill you. Seb, he's insane. He already asked to kill you.

So you're in deep, buddy. Do you want to see a picture of my grandkid? Hey, you don't want to show me that. You don't want me to know. Your hands are so strong. All right. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Little rat. All right, buddy. Let's go. So the gang climbs down the ladder for about 30 minutes. That's how deep they're going.

When they finally reach the bottom, they end up in a small tunnel made of cream-colored stone. You follow the sound of running water and walk into the epicenter of the Fraser Waterways. It's a gigantic underground room that is hundreds of stories tall. The floors are all connected by ladders and staircases that all have tunnels leading out to different parts of the city. There are a series of waterfalls that cascade from different levels into each other. These waterfalls serve as a natural purification point, filtering out impurities and debris. The mist creates like a rainbow kaleidoscope effect that casts across the entire space. Glass tubes carrying glowing liquid and piss run throughout. The whole space is lit with glowy lanterns that cast a gold

light. Everything looks a little worse for wear and things are starting to rust and crumble. All right, first things first, we got to get as close to the castle as possible. So that's going to require us to navigate the class 50 under city rapids. He points to a flimsy-looking raft with five seats and one oar. Now, which of yous is gonna be the steersman? You'll need to keep incredibly calm

while navigating choppy waters and be strong enough to steer the ship on your own, or you'll all die a watery death. Red Rhino, you up for it? I got it. No, no, no. Hold on, hold on.

I got it, I got it. Actually, yeah. In all of that, I think I heard Jenny say, I'm ready. What? Did I say that? I think I heard that, too. Y'all, I don't even know if my arms can reach both oars at the same time. I think you got it. I think I heard that too. Y'all, I don't even know if my arms can reach both oars at the same time.

I think you got it. I think you're up for it. It's not about the size of your arms. It's about how calm you can stay. Y'all, I got to be honest with you. I straight up, I have a character sheet now, and you do not want me rolling strength checks. I got it.

You're useless. Oh, my God. Okay, so Seb is going to paddle while Christopher Plummer is pointing left, right, and straight to the directions of the rapids. And they hear them before they see them. The water is moving so fast in this tunnel, it sounds like a freight train is coming towards them. Woo-hoo! They turn the corner and see a tilted path going down with big rocks and debris and impossible to navigate looking rapids.

Ben, I'm going to have you roll for constitution, but you're going to roll five times and you have to roll successfully three times in order to not have anyone fall out of the wrap. All right. So the first thing you're going to come upon is a huge rock. What do you do, and what have you rolled? All right.

Prior to getting to the rock, I go, the thing about the river is you've got to watch the tongue, all right? The river wants to keep you safe, all right? We're all having a lot of fun. Can I say it? Seth, there's a rock! Oh, shut it. All right.

Plus two, so that would be a 17. Oh, great it. All right. Plus two. So that would be a 17. Oh, great. All right. You did it. Ben, all that training through the Grand Canyon whitewater rafting is finally paying off. Yeah, I'm rolling with advantage. All right.

I love it. No, I'm not actually. All right. So coming up in the rapids, there's a, you know, those roller coaster loops. There is one that's made out of water. So that's what's coming towards you. What do you do and what do you roll? All right, so the river's more afraid of you than you are of it, all right? So you don't want to show it that you're afraid because then it's going to be afraid back,

and it's going to, you know, it's going to eat you up like a washing machine, all right? What? 19. Whoa, okay. The next thing that you come upon is a huge 40-foot wave. Oh, man, this reminds me of a bad place. I rolled a 12. That's a strike.

Now we're coming upon a whirlpool that you have to try to avoid. All right, so if you look at the river right now, you're going to see there's a clear tongue, all right? It's trying to taste us. Everybody, everybody, put your hand in the water. Let's taste the river back, huh? This is sewage. He's like, piss.

Natural 20, do it now. Yes, you. No one's going to fall out, but let's see. Okay, so the last one, you're coming upon a huge waterfall drop. I put a blindfold on, and I say, You got to feel the river, and I rolled an eight. Let me guess. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Oh, the timing of that. Sharp rocks at the bottom. Yep. Bring it on. Okay. Yeah, boo! So this is a, I'm going to have you all do like a D4 damage, I think, on that. Because that, going over a waterfall like that with Seb rolling an eight,

he should not have blindfolded himself, I'll say it. That was needless. Jenny took two damage, which isn't great considering that she has eight hit points total. Everybody be careful of sweet Jen. All right. I rolled a one,

so I still got my blindfold on and I was just like, didn't see it happen, so my body never tensed up. It's sort of unfair that like didn't see it happen so my body never tensed up so it wasn't that bad. Sort of unfair that you didn't take much damage. The red rhino also rolled a one for damage. I got two.

Alright so the stone on the side of the tunnel is starting to be adorned with the castle's crest so you know you're getting close but you are going fast. Can someone roll perception to see if you can see anything to slow you down? I got 15. Great.

So through all the mist, Beef can sort of make out like a big, large, pointy rock that's in the middle of the rapids that would be perfect for a rope. Okay. Jenny's got this, you guys. Y'all trust Jenny? No. Okay, baby. All right.

I'm one of the four oh boy and uh jennifer uh dawns her she touches her helm this golden uh rat helm and she speaks through the helm and says rats assemble and so now i'm going to use one of the charges of this helm. If you speak to the helm as an action, you can use a bonus action to expend one to three charges, calling forth one swarm of rats with each expended charge, provided that enough rats are within half a mile of you to be called in this fashion, as determined by the DM.

We're in a sewer. DM, what do we think? There's at least 60,000 rats close by. So 35,000 rats heard you. They're all out to dinner right now at Olive Garden and they hear the call. Okay, so hordes and hordes of rats come pouring towards Jennifer. Filled with breadsticks.

They just ate a bunch of breadsticks. What is happening? What is happening? And Jennifer looks and goes, throw me! Okie doke. And then I pick her up and I throw her, right? Ben, can you give me an athletics check?

Of course. And I got a 10. Jennifer ends up, she's sort of so so close but ends up plopping in the water she screams come to me come to me my pretty and then thousands of rats start to build a rat bridge to her where she's you know just like five feet short it sounds like of the edge and they grab jennifer and they start pulling her back ashore. My God, these rats should do community theater. They work so well together.

So the raft is able to slow down. And not to, this is judgmental and I know they're helping, but this sounds pretty disgusting, all these rats working together. It's horrifying. So they're able to slow down the raft enough for them to all exit the raft. Are you going to dismiss these rats that helped you out? Okay. Great job, y'all. Really impressive stuff.

Thank you so much. You really made me look cool in front of my friends. Thank you. Oh, you're just staring at me blankly because I have control over you. I'll let that stop now. Yep. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. We never paid our bills. We never paid our bills. Yeah, I feel like we just dined in Dash. And we'll definitely do a Patreon episode about a bunch of rats eating at an olive garden in the sewer, but that's for that. That's not for now.

Okay, so the color of the tile and the stones on the wall is like a Fraser purple now, and this part of the aqueduct is much better kept because it's the part the rich people use the most. All right, right this way, right this way. My old bones are walking this way. All right. So you all, everyone still have all their limbs?

I think so. Yeah, I thought I was blind there for a second, but I just still had the blindfold on. So, no, I'm good. Yeah, you missed the whole rat thing. I'm sorry, rat what? You don't even want to know about it. Just then you hear the sound of armor hitting itself and echoing throughout the tunnel.

It's accompanied by the sound of little webbed feet hitting the ground. Fifteen aqua duck aqua ducks who guard the waterways walk up to you with full confidence. Yay! Episode's over. That's awesome. So cute! That's it.

We're done. We're done. I like that. They are quacking amongst themselves and wearing chainmail hoods. And they are a couple inches taller than beef and they are built. Hey. Whoa, sorry.

I am sobered Elizabeth up so fast. Yeah. Based on the amount that they have and how much armor they have and how many weapons they have, you do not want to fight these guys. weapons they have you do not want to fight these guys plus uh you can tell by christopher plumber's reaction to them that these are like guys that you want to try to keep peace with oh boy oh everybody uh play cool play cool it's the aqueducts oh man they're robust okay let's hey who goes there only fraser tourism sanctioned tours are allowed down here. Are you a tour group? Oh, of course. We are on a tour right now. Aren't we all

a group? Big group with us. I am from a distant land. Which one of you is the tour guide? I of course. Nope. Red Rhino starts to step forward. Jennifer jumps at Red Rhino

and tries to go straight into his mouth. Can you roll athletics, please? Thank you. Oh, no. That's a nat one for Jenny.

I think Jennifer jumps and ends up in Seb's mouth. She overshoots it and lands in Seb's mouth. I did it! Which one of you is the tour guide? Oh, well, it's actually me. And Beef takes out from his really tight suit a little newsy cap

and puts it on top of his swimmer's cap. Great, can you roll deception? Oh, yeah, baby. Okay, I got a four, but plus six. Well, if you're the tour guide, then give us a fun fact about the aqueducts. I'm glad you asked. Well, the aqueducts were actually built

before the town was made, because you have to build the infrastructure below before you can economically create any kind of income financially for the duration of a... They're nodding and smiling and totally listening. All right, can you give me a performance check on that? Beef used all of his words of the day that he's been learning.

I rolled a 10 plus 6 now. 16. Okay, great. So then they go, wow, you must be the tour guide. That's amazing. Do you mind if we stay for a couple minutes of your tour? We love to learn. Yeah, that's right.

Aqueducts love to learn. No, you gotta pay. We pay. Don't let them stay. We pay. We pay. We pay. So they all sort of check their pockets,

and they pay you a couple gold coin each. So you're so far making a profit. Oh. Okay, okay. We should do this more often. Okay, all right, all right. And I take the coin and I put it in my pocket. Well, I put it in my tight suit.

You can kind of see all the lumps. Can't list more. Well, yeah, if you just, let's follow me this way. And so he's doing the tour like a campus tour guide. Yeah. Walking backwards. And he's got a little jaunt in his step. Like he's excited now that he knows what he's doing.

He's like, this is a performance. Yeah. Yeah. The most interesting thing about the aqueducts is that when they were first built, they tasted like corn. And that was really confusing. You guys probably like corn, right? Quack, yes, we love corn. Quack, quack.

Corn, corn, yeah. And also, the president that made these pipes is dead now. Oh, wow. Why is the naked one so sad? Well, that's knowledge only he has, not I. Interesting. I lost my freaking marbles. Harry, we'll keep an eye out for the marbles.

Yeah, if you guys could, I lost them in here, I guess, is something that I could say. They're in the castle and I need to save them. Okay. And they're the prettiest thing in the whole wide world. So if you see, and they also, they carry, they give good kisses. So just look out for those. Okay. And they're all blinkingiest thing in the whole wide world. So if you see it, and they also, they carry, they give good kisses. So just look out for those. Okay. And they're all blinking and looking at you.

Oh, man. Well, it looks like we reached the end of our tour. So I'm just going to pass out some of these Beef Passes Out packets of paperwork. So this is actually a great opportunity for me to talk about a timeshare that I have. Oh god, no, no, no, run. Everybody no, no, horrible. Quack, quack away, quack away everybody.

Seb spits Jennifer out of his mouth. Finally, oh my. Alright, so this is things are starting to get a little bit more serious, a little bit more dangerous. I hope that's okay with y'all. I can handle it. I can handle it.

Are you sure? Yeah, of course I can. I'm the freaking Red Rider. I'm the biggest, strongest hero in the whole wide city. You're sitting crisscross applesauce on the ground and sort of like poking at the ground like a little kid who just lost a soccer game. Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I mean, I'm just looking. I guess my marbles could be down here. Have you seen them? Anyways. Okay, Mr. Turtle. Just, yeah, where are we? All right, so the next step in this is we got to oxygenize the water.

What does that mean? I don't know. You're the expert. I'll tell you, little rat. We press a button. Did anyone else think that was weird? And we oxidize the water, and you get one hour where you can breathe underwater. Special water.

But you got to get to the button to press that. Here's the pool that you get in. The entrance is right under there. You're going to have to swim and hold your breath for five minutes. All right? Get to the end of that tunnel. Press the button. Swim back out without dying.

Red Rhino, you up for it? I got it. Yes. Absolutely, I have it. I could make the biggest impact of the team, of course. I got it. Yeah, yeah. Hey, guys, side huddle real quick.

Side huddle. Yeah, what's going on? Maybe we just let him try it. He passes out underwater probably almost immediately. We pull him out, and he's just kind of not talking for a while. And then we can come up with a plan. Oh, please. Oh, what a relief that would be.

Yeah. Hey, Red Rhino. Yeah. I could do it. I Hey, Red Rhino. Yeah. I can do it. I can do it. Yeah. Yeah. Knock yourself out.

Literally. And I'm the big hero then. Christopher Plummer's like looking in between them being like, they're about to kill their friend. And then Red Rhino dives headfirst. Can you give me a constitution roll and then a dexterity roll? Okay. Constitution is a seven. Oh, God.

Okay. And I botch the dexterity roll. Okay. So pretty much immediately, pretty much instantly, he gets to the pipe um get stuck and passes out whoa it happened way quicker than i thought grab him grab him grab him grab him okay oh my god so you got to do two things now you guys get to get chip or you gotta get red rhino out safely and you have to send someone in to press the button. Okay, Jenny, get over here.

We're going to use this unbreakable rope and you're going to dip in there, wrap it around his leg, and then we're going to pull him out, okay? And then once he's out, you're jumping in and you're going to swim and you're going to hit that button, okay? All right, tie the rope around me. Here we go.

Okay. And a one, and a two, and a skiddle-de-de-de-doo. Jennifer high dives into the air and goes plop into the water. And embarrassingly, not very far in, she finds Red Rhino and tries to tie the rope around his ankle. Sean, can you give me a dexterity check? Jennifer rolled a 18. Okay, so that part of it's perfect. And now Seb, Beef, and Turtle are going to roll strength.

And you guys have to combined roll a 40. And you feel a little tiny tug, two tugs, that, you know, once it was tied tight, Jennifer would tug the rope twice. I feel the tugs. I spit on my hands, cartoon style, and I rolled a 15.

Ooh. I spit on my feet because my legs are the strongest part of my body, and I wrap my feet around the rope rope and I rolled a 16. Oh, nice. We need a 9 from this guy. And I literally rolled a 9.

That is crazy. Right before he pulls, he looks at the painting of his grandkids and gives a little hug for inspiration. Oh. You guys are not even going to, you're going to kill this guy? And as he looks up, the red rhino gets pulled out of the water

and Jennifer is riding it at the mast and doing the jack pose from Titanic. I'm queen of the world! Can I ask what red rhino's mast is? His horn. Oh, his horn. Okay. All right, guys. So the button seems pretty far.

I'm going to be honest. But I got an idea. Seb or whoever or whoever, you swim with me. Okay? And you swim as far as you can go. Right? And then I'll suck air out of your mouth. You just hold the air in your mouth, okay?

So, like, take a deep breath, but then just bring more air in your mouth after you've already fully inhaled. So it's just air in there, not carbon dioxide. And then I'll get in your mouth, and it'll be a full breath for Jenny. And then I'll go the rest of the way. And then hit the button. Well, she was already in your mouth early. I mean, what do you say, Seb? I mean, I haven't brushed my teeth.

Yeah, I mean, it's no worse at this point. This pain is so crazy, it might not work. What? All right, let's do this. Come on, Seb. Ben, can you give me a athletics role? And. Ben, can you give me a athletics role? And then Sean, can you give me a constitution role? Wait, are you in my mouth right now?

I think you're right. I think it's smarter to- This is a sensory nightmare for Seb right now. Jennifer's inside your mouth so she can breathe while you're swimming. So when you release her from your mouth, she is already halfway there with a full. Yeah. Have y'all not ever done this before? This is your first time.

And she's yelling encouragement inside your mouth. Keep going, buddy. You got this. I'm trying not to sneeze from the vibrations. I rolled an 18 for athletics. Oh, great.

Okay. So you're able to make it pretty far. And I'm going to use one of Jennifer's features for this, which is yabbo slash I'm fucking ruined. You can choose to forego a d20 roll and replace it with a coin flip. Tails represents a natural 20. Heads represents a natural one. You can use this ability once per long rest.

Oh, my God. I don't know. If you're going to gamble your life, then gamble your life. I'm going to flip a coin. Ready? In real life? It's Tails! Did we call what it was before?

Tails is a success. Oh, great. All right. There was such a long silence, and I was like, did my computer stop? Oh, you did it. I did not hear that. All right. Okay. So you're able to hit the button.

Oh, my God. That was thrilling. And the water turns like a turquoise color and bubbles up. So now you can breathe underwater for an hour starting now. So your way back will be totally fine. Jennifer can take her time. She can really swim back. And she really does.

She's breathing underwater for the first time and loving it. Up where they walk, up where they run. The red rhino is still passed out. Oh. Nobody has done anything to awaken him. Oh, yeah. Your friend's sort of down here still. Oh yeah, your friend's sort of down here still.

I stabilize that red rhino by straddling him and slapping with my real hand, and while in between my real hand, the mage hand is slapping him too, so he's getting slapped two different ways. And your different spider hands too. Yes, and my spider hands. Yes, Aaron, thank you. And just then, Jennifer pops up and goes,

Darling, it's better down where it's wetter. Take it from me. There's oxygen in this shit. Oh, it worked. Incredible. All right, everybody, let's swim down. Also, when the water gets oxygenized, it also gets rid of any sort of like muffled sound barrier that's normally underwater. So you guys will be able to hear each other clearly.

You'll be able to see each other clearly. It's not like sensory wise. Everything's still the same. It's essentially you're still swimming through the water. So touch wise, it feels like water, but everything else will feel like you're above ground for just a minute. And we can talk to each other. Yeah. You can gab and gab for the full hour.

I want to be able to just swim in water and talk and breathe. Girls, meet me in the middle of the lake. Yeah. So they are swimming down through that little pool entrance, and they make it up to a plaque that's under the water that says, Maze Entrance to the French Castle Moat. The maze changes every five minutes for security reasons. Under that is a series of what looks like random words

that change like a digital clock every five minutes while the maze changes. And you can hear the pipes move and shift around. And this is to ward off any intruders that might try to get in the moat. Right now, the gibberish words say, listen, really, seriously, lessons learned rarely send loyal legends south.

Oh, I think I know. No way. Not right now, okay? No, guys, not right now. No, not right now, man. Hey right now, okay? No, guys. Not right now. No, not right now, man. Hey, no, hey, hey, hey. The little, the red rhino naked guy hasn't had a win all day.

He's been such a loser all day. Maybe let him talk. Because, you know, I've never seen this maze. This maze wasn't here when I did. I think there's like probably at least 10 turns in the maze though so what do you think Red Rhino speak up with confidence

I think we just the L's are the lefts and the R's are the rights and then what's the S super left no no no the S well they're not all lefts and rights sometimes there's options for pipes Super left. Super left. No, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, they're not all lefts and rights.

Sometimes there's options for pipes. Straight. It's straight, righto. Right when they say that it changes again to risky rest remains silly. Lovely luxury sometimes rises. So likable. Okay, so that's R-R-R-S-L-L-S-R-S-L. All right, so we're all going to swim through it together,

and we're going to get through the maze, right? Listen, man, what's your end game here, Toro? Because honestly, do you hate your family? Because you literally have been spending a whole day with us. Yeah, I'm starting to sort of second-guess this because, first of all, I love my family. If you look at my grandkids, they're so cute. They're little turtles. Stop making us look!

And it says stock photo on it. What the hell's going on? Who are you? Oh, I never really had a family. We don't have enough. We don't have enough. We don't have enough. We don't have time for this, dude. Oh, no.

All right, yeah. Again, I thought you guys maybe might pay me a couple. Oh, I don't know. Maybe you could give me the gold coin you got from doing that tour for helping you out today. What gold coins? Jennifer's trying to nudge those bumps in Beef's suit so they're not visible. Alright, yeah, I'm gonna take off.

We figured out the maze. Once you get to the end of that, that's where the hole is. You just gotta wait for an opportunity for the thing to go down, the moat to go down, but it goes down like five times an hour. You got no problem. And hey, it was nice meeting you all. Sounds good, sounds good but when we walk

over here for a second hey if you're f***ing us right now if this is a trap the last thing that you're gonna see before you die is me but with like a whole bunch of crazy makeup and a wig on because you'll thought you'll think it was one of your kids at first. He bursts into tears. What are you doing? The turtle takes off. That turtle just cried underwater. That's so sad. I know. Actually, I feel really bad. What did you say to him, Jenny?

What the heck did you say, Jennifer? I'm the only one strong enough to make sure we're not getting tricked. He was helping us the whole time. Okay, whatever. Oh, it just changed again. We've been whatever. Oh, it just changed again. We've been talking so long, it's changed again. Now it says, lessons, lovely, luxury, likable, loyal legends. Listen, rest.

It was all L's. It was all L's. It was all L's and then a right. We're just going to go in a circle over and over again. Yeah. Great. there's all left and then right we're just gonna go in a circle over and over again yeah great so uh once they go through the maze they finally end up in the moat and you could tell because like the consistency of the water changes a little bit you can still breathe um but it's definitely a different kind of water the water is like a tropical blue and they can hear the hustle and bustle of guards above them searching carriages before they are let

into the castle ground. There's a six-foot circle right under the drawbridge that looks like a bank vault. Oh! They hear the muffled sound of the chains as the drawbridge starts to lower. As it lowers, above the metal covering, the hole starts to rise. And as they swim over, they notice that there is now six feet of steel covering their only hope into the castle. In fresh paint over the entrance, it says,

Nice try, Chalice's friends. Love always. Just kidding. King Cicero. That guy f***ed us. He knew it was a trap. I'm going to kill him. We don't know that.

P.S. You should never trust old turtles so all of this was for not yeah they got a castle steel nuva ring we're it's impenetrable so beef um definitely gives up and he's gonna sit crisscross applesauce in the water um like he is sitting on the ground crisscross applesauce in the water. Like he is sitting on the ground, but it's in the middle of the water. I don't want to do, I don't want to do this anymore.

I, I, I don't want to do this anymore. I miss Chalice. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Chalice. We're never going to get her back. No, no, no. Look, I have soap Chalice in my pocket. Oh, and it disintegrated in the water.

It's completely disintegrated. Oh, now the water tastes bad. Oh, God. And I don't even have a soap chalice. I'm not even interested. We lost the soap chalice. We couldn't even hold on to a soap chalice. What do we think we could save her?

We're just a bunch of idiots and now someone's tricking me into drinking water i haven't drank this much water in so long i'm a diet coke man oh my god no one's gonna be able to save us we can't even save us let's just sink everyone on the count of three let's sink one. One, two, three. I don't know how. We can't even do that right. It's a little sleepy in this water. So I'm going to go. You're going to go take a nap right now?

No, I'm going to just set out the way we came in. So the red rhino swims back through the pipe that you guys just swam out of. And then somehow, moments later, Chip swims out of the pipes. Chip! Hey! Hey, guys! Oh, my God! You just missed the red rhino!

Did you guys go on another repairer's adventure without me? We sort of only do that. It's kind of weird. I know I wasn't here, and maybe you were. We're not in the middle of an emotional breakdown or whatever, but I just want to let you guys know that it's going to be okay.

Up until now, it's been okay, and we're going to figure this out. We are friends to the end, and there's no way there's no way that Chalice, just for the sake of the future to the end, and there's no way, there's no way that Chalice, just for, kind of like for the sake of the future of the show, like there's no way Chalice is gone forever.

That's a good point. That makes me feel a little better. Yeah, like if you think about it from that perspective, like it would be weird if Chalice were just gone forever. I just hope she's in there knowing that we're working as hard as we can to get to her. I hope she doesn't feel alone. Yeah, let's not let this be a wasted opportunity, right? All right?

There's got to be a way in. There has to be a way in. We've tried everything, Chip! We tried everything, and we really didn't want you to have to do this. We knew that you were really struggling, and we wanted to do what good friends do and pick up the slack. Yeah, Chip. That's exactly what good friends do. All right.

And I'm here and I'm going to pick up the slack because I know that I've been going through it a lot because I shared my feelings that I had towards Chalice. But here's the thing. You guys are just as good as friends with her as I am. Like, my romantic feeling towards her, do not trump your friendship feelings towards her. And I now realize that. Oh, yeah, you're just, like, saying that now. That's wild.

Yeah, it's kind of just how it feels nice. It does feel nice. Yeah, it feels nice to just be casual. Yeah, we're casual. We're cool. We're cool. Hey, I'm taking this shit off. You, we're casual. We're cool. We're cool. Hey, I'm taking this shit off. You know what?

You're right, Chip. Tell us. She didn't need Red Rhino. She didn't need any superheroes. What she needs is her friends. That's right. Beef, take your clothes off. Don't have to tell me twice.

And all of Beef's coins are starting to float away because of his clothes are on. Is Seb getting naked too? Yeah, but very meekly. I have like old prospector pajamas on under my clothes. We all grab hands and I'd like to like swim the moat

to see if there's like, we must have missed something. Like there's got to be some way in. As you're swimming a little bit closer to the surface, you notice that is the like a ton of really sleepy alligators that aren't going to hurt you. They're super sedated. They're mostly there just for show at the top. So you can definitely probably peek between a couple of them and see what's above. If you want to swim to the surface, just like to your eyes.

We do so. To your left, you can see them doing like the check of all the carriages. And to your right, you actually see an employee entrance that has a long line in front of it filled with chefs, carriage drivers, butlers, torturers, ladies in waiting,

and so on waiting to get into their shift. There's a bunch of security checking their bags and looking at their badges and stuff just to make sure they're not sneaking anything into the castle. I got a plan. I got a plan. I got a plan. I think I've got a pee.

Quick shout out for Jennifer's character sheet, Sean Marr. And I built this out yesterday and it was a blast. And I think we're going to release it. I want to like post it on the Patreon or something. There's a lot of fun features and traits. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Lee Mansour, and me, Sean Quo. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Sean Maher did the editing on this one,

and Aaron Keefe came up with the story concept and was our DM this episode. Aaron absolutely crushed it, and it was very fun to have her at the wheel. What a way to kick off the season. For worse or for worse, I'll be back in the DMm saddle next week but with that said these next few episodes are not your run-of-the-mill episodes no sir y'all i do have to tell you that

it is a great time to check out our patreon okay the support from our patrons is what makes this show possible it is how we pay for equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 70 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats. This week's episode is sitcom D&D trivia. This week's episode is sitcom D&D trivia. Ben asks us a series of questions submitted by kitchen rats in the discord to see if any of us remember anything from this insane show. We try and pump out every week.

Questions like at what restaurant did Seb and Chip go on a date with Gidget and a mop? Do you know the answer? Think you'd be good at coming up with future trivia questions? Well then sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun! And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at

sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D and D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming shows and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, and get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character designs by our own Waleed. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. that was a hate gum podcast