SitcomD&D - S4 E12: Comment BOO!x 4

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

In an effort to learn more about Beef’s ancestry the gang attempts to communicate with the dead. But it seems like this approach may just leave them with unfinished business.Starring:&...nbsp;Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Elizabeth Andrews & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, Lee, what's going on with you? Did you get new jeans? I did get new jeans, again. No way. I did because when I went to Michigan, the one thing I forgot to pack was pants. So the only pants I had for seven days was the one I was wearing. So I had to go to Old Navy and get pants.
Starting point is 00:00:27 Wait, doesn't Old Navy do that thing where you can buy an outfit, and then they have a little outfit so you can match your baby? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I saw a whole family matching bathing suits. Four different types. An adult man, an adult woman, a little child girl, and a little child boy. All with matching swimsuits.
Starting point is 00:00:46 Okay, well, is the dog going to be included? Old Navy used to have dog clothes, I think, right? Did they really? Old Navy was originally a clothing company just for dogs. Nobody Googled it. Hey, Sean, what was its name at the time, if you can help me recall? Its name was Bone Navy. Bone Navy. Old Yeller Navy. There it is. Its name was Bone Navy. Bone Navy.
Starting point is 00:01:05 Old Yeller Navy. There it is. I like that one better. That's way better. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, spooky, spooky time. And we've got a great episode for y'all today because something scary is kind of already happening.
Starting point is 00:01:38 Something spooky. spooky because in an effort to actually connect with beef's family who we don't know much of anything about beef's birth family the gang has cracked out the ouija board or this world's ouija board and are trying well that's for you guys to decide i'm not the DM. Who are you? Oh, busted again. It's me, Lance Bass. Whoa. All right, all right. So quiet on set. Get out of here, Lance.
Starting point is 00:02:17 Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains
Starting point is 00:02:37 Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef
Starting point is 00:03:04 Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Alright, so we're actually gonna pick up in the attic
Starting point is 00:03:22 of Bottoms Up using the Ouija board to try and connect with Beef's ancestors. And so that's where you guys are at. So you guys are telling me that you guys were birthed? I'm telling you, you were birthed, too. There's no way. We were all birthed. Except for, I think, a little crazy ass.
Starting point is 00:03:41 But outside of a little crazy ass, I'm pretty sure we were all birthed. Well, and sea sponges. And sea sponges, okay? Which nobody cares about except for you, Seth. Well, okay. They butt off, and then they're just the same. A new one of them. It's besides the point.
Starting point is 00:03:56 You were birthed. So you just ask your ghostly ancestors anything, and then they're going to answer, I think. I think that's how this works. Okay, Chalice, you've done this before, right? Many of the time. Yeah. And I'm begging you not to. I told you I did it at a slumber party and a ghost hung out in my room for like three years.
Starting point is 00:04:14 And she was so mean. Well, you lived in a castle. It's inevitable in a castle. What was the ghost's name? Chalice. No. Sounds like a mirror. That is a mirror.
Starting point is 00:04:23 Sounds like a mirror. No, it wasn't a mirror. And that's what everyone kept saying, Chip, and you know I'm sensitive about that. It was not a mirror. It was my ancestor, Chalice, who I was named after. She bullied me, and she made everyone think that I was crazy. I was not crazy. Beef, don't do this.
Starting point is 00:04:37 I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Hey, Beef, do it. Damn, devil and angel. Seb, what do you say? I say do it, and that's two against one. We, do it. Damn, devil and angel. Seb, what do you say? I say do it, and that's two against one. We're doing it. Sorry, Chally, but the majority.
Starting point is 00:04:51 There's four of us. There's four of us. Jennifer, if you make this a tie. I say do it. Yes. Sorry, hon. Okay, well, don't come crawling to me when Chalice comes out of here and bullies us for three years. Okay, so I just take my hands, I place it here, and then I say something, and then the
Starting point is 00:05:11 Luigi will... Yeah, Luigi board. Sure. That's correct. This is the Luigi board. Yes, and. And then it will spell something, and then I'll spell it for you, just so you know, Beef. Okay, all right.
Starting point is 00:05:24 Well, I'll just ask this first off. Are any of my ancestors here right now? Good question. Good question. And so you all touch the piece in the center of the Luigi board and move it around and you actually hear lightning, which you can't usually. So this is very scary.
Starting point is 00:05:49 Thunder is the sound of lightning. I know, but that's what's so scary about this is you hear the lightning part. What is that sound going to be? I'm going to guess it sounds exactly like thunder. We don't know that. No, it's so different. That's what's so scary about it. I have an idea for what it can sound like.
Starting point is 00:06:06 It can sound like that? It could. It certainly could. It actually struck so close that it rattles the foundation. So much so that y'all in the attic, man, you're getting some whiplash from it. It shakes the entire board to the floor, and all of you spill out of your seats under the floor as well. Oh, my ass!
Starting point is 00:06:27 I told you we were going to get bullied! Show us! I'm scared! My freaking ass! What did you do, B? What did you do? What did you do? What the? Who's that?
Starting point is 00:06:38 Hello? Okay, give me a perception check. 16. 16. Okay. First thing that you recognize is this is most likely a ghost. The key giveaways here are that they are mostly translucent, and they don't have feet. Where their feet should be, they're kind of just floating off of the ground.
Starting point is 00:06:58 And there's a slight bluish tint to them. Blue hue. Blue hue. And what you also recognize with the 16 shawls is this person looks like vaguely familiar. You can't quite place them, but you're like 99% sure that they've just been like around the bar before.
Starting point is 00:07:14 And it's because they look pretty distinct. They are a dragonborn, so they look like they have like dragon type features. And now you're kind of placing it that like they used to like visit Bottoms Up and eat quite frequently. Oh, um, Kev, Kev, Kevvy.
Starting point is 00:07:31 Yeah. Uh, Kess, Kessler, Ka, Ka. Kevvy the garbage can because you could put away anything. That's right. Yeah, Kevvy the garbage can. Kevvy Kessler Ka, the garbage can. Whoa. Wow.
Starting point is 00:07:43 Oh my God. It is you. How, how you been. Oh my God, it is you. How you been? Ooh, chill. Dead. I've been dead, I think. Yeah, I was going to say you look in shape. Honestly, it was kind of all dark blackness before this,
Starting point is 00:07:57 and now I'm just realizing I'm probably dead. Yeah, Kevi just realizing that. We're sad to hear that. I feel like you used to win a lot of our food challenges that we set up, like eat a whole pot of orange in one second. I'm so sad that you don't have life anymore. Oh, man, me too. Yeah, what killed you?
Starting point is 00:08:13 It wasn't that you ate a bunch of coins that one time, was it? I'm having kind of a tough time remembering anything. Oh, that's a freebie. Okay, cool. Wait, are you Beef's mom or dad or something? Oh, yeah. Am I Beef's mom or something? Or cousin, brother.
Starting point is 00:08:32 I don't know, yeah. Cousin, brother. F*** no. Oh, okay. So we just brought back a random ghost. So we just failed. I'm sorry, Beef. No, you brought me back.
Starting point is 00:08:42 Now I'm back and now I'm here and now I can hang out here again. Cool. Or you could go because we're busy. We are busy. So we can send you back and then we can get to the task at hand. Sure. I guess I could go. And then Kevi goes to like float out the window and as soon as he does, he disappears
Starting point is 00:08:59 and reappears right by you guys. Oh, crap. Oh, I know what this is. What is this? This guy's got unfinished business. That's what Chalice had when she haunted me. And then you hear lightning. No, not again.
Starting point is 00:09:17 Not again. I don't even know what that sound is. Wait, wait, wait, Chalice. What are you saying right now? That he has unfinished business? Lightning sound again, baby. You know it. Yes.
Starting point is 00:09:33 Yeah, Beef, that's exactly what I'm saying. Chalice had unfinished business, and then she finished her business, and then she got to peacefully go to the afterlife. But she was stuck until she finished her business. Chalice, please don't tell me that you was stuck until she finished her business. Charles, please don't tell me that you had to help her finish her business. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:09:48 her unfinished business was to fulfill her dream of bullying someone who has the same name as her for three years straight. Oh my God. And Amir did this?
Starting point is 00:09:59 No, Amir did not. Ugh. Okay, well, sir, what, um,
Starting point is 00:10:03 Kevi, the garbage can, what's your unfinished business? Could you enlighten us? Okay, well, sir, Kevi, the garbage can, what's your unfinished business? Could you enlighten us? Oh, yeah, the last thing I remember. Yeah, what's the last thing you remember? Yeah, what's the last thing you remember? Scratching my chin.
Starting point is 00:10:14 Your finger just went through your chin. Oh, doesn't hurt. I don't feel anything. Okay, the last thing I remember, probably, oh, something was wrong. I did have unfinished business. And I wrote it down. And I put it in your comment box. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:10:36 Lightning strike sound. You said it that time, Kevi. Kevi. I'm sorry. But you can't remember what you wrote. So your comment is in, and then the camera pans over to the comment box.
Starting point is 00:10:49 And this time you hear thunder. It's in there. Okay, well, that's today's episode, I guess. Let's go over to that. Oh, fine.
Starting point is 00:11:02 Okay, okay, okay. Do we need, like, bolt cutters? Put the locks on here again. I don't know why we keep locking this thing up. Can I roll Okay, okay, okay. Do we need like bolt cutters? Put the locks on here again. I don't know why we keep locking this thing up. Can I roll for like history of how to open it? Because I feel like we've never opened it naturally. Yes, it's always like exploded open for some reason.
Starting point is 00:11:16 Yeah, give me a history check. 22. Whoa, okay. Way to go, Aaron. With a 22 history check, Chalice, you actually made a mental note the last time you watched this thing bust open of exactly how it was hit and which parts of the comment box were, I guess you could say, activated and in what order to bust that open.
Starting point is 00:11:37 You really kind of made an amazing mental note of that. And it sparked an idea where you think if you can kind of like palm it and hit it and bang it in the right spots, you may be able to recreate what opened it last time. Okay.
Starting point is 00:11:51 Chalice walks over and just starts karate chopping it in all the right places. Cool. Give me a dexterity check on that to see if you can actually
Starting point is 00:11:59 do what your brain knows it should. Okay, please roll high. Come on, brain. Come on, brain. Okay, I got, please roll high. Come on, brain. Come on, brain. Okay, I got a five. Okay, you hurt your finger. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:12:12 Karate chop is not good form. Is this good form? And Chip comes and he raises his axe high into the air and sweeps it down in a crushing blow towards the lock. As he hits the lock, I don't know if you guys have ever seen Lord of the Rings, where Gimli hits the ring. No, this is not a magic lock.
Starting point is 00:12:29 Is it? It's always just falling open. Oh, no! Chip blasts back. No! But when the dust settles, you see that the lock politely just kind of clicks open and falls off the box.
Starting point is 00:12:46 Well, okay. You're're welcome my hand hurt okay you don't mind if we do let's promenade over there promenades by word of the day if anyone wanted to ask it's an excellent what does it mean it means to walk with purpose towards the sea to walk with purpose towards the sea. No. Okay. That is exactly what that word should mean.
Starting point is 00:13:13 Chip grabs all of the comments from the box and passes them out into four stacks, five stacks. Is Jennifer doing reading or no? Yes, she is. Chip grabs all the comments and passes them out into five stacks okay to four of the main characters and jennifer thank you this should go quick we should be able
Starting point is 00:13:30 to find kevi's comment in no time should be easy let's just do them at the same time everybody just read chalice picks up the top comment and unfurls it I just wanted to work on my novel. Zero out of five stars. Oh, this could be you, Kevi. You look like a novel man. Excuse me, sir. Sorry. I don't want to pull you away from your work. Yes, I'm busy, but yes, how can I help? Can you settle a fight between
Starting point is 00:13:58 me and my friend Beef? Yeah. Okay, I guess I could. What is it? What is it? What is it? Scooch is into the food for you. Oh, okay. You just spilled my ink all over the place. Who's cuter? Who's cuter?
Starting point is 00:14:09 Yeah. Who is the cutest patootist? Between who? Us. Me and Beef. Oh. Um. I guess, well, he's smaller, so generally, based on science, that makes you cuter.
Starting point is 00:14:23 So I'm going to go with Mr. Small Guy. Oh! Try again. Say something else. I'm sorry. I'm actually working on my book right now. This is crazy, book guy, because we have gone to every person in this bar
Starting point is 00:14:38 and asked them that, and you are not going to believe this. They've all said me. I do believe it because I agreed with that justification. Chalice, this is crazy. Try again. Again.
Starting point is 00:14:49 Try again? We're going to try this again. Hey, sir, can you settle an argument between me and my friend here? Ma'am, you have to be smaller for me to think you're cute. No, I don't.
Starting point is 00:15:00 And Chalice gets all the ink and she shoves it into her apron so he doesn't have any ink left and she gets up from the table. I need my ink. Yeah, that was kind of screwed up that you said it like that, man. I voted for you, sir. You should never comment on someone's size.
Starting point is 00:15:15 Seb shoves open the doors from the kitchen, silently saunters over, spits on the table, and then walks away. What is happening? What's happening is I heard how you think about cuteness. Oh. And I just like to insert myself into the conversation. The man pushes away all
Starting point is 00:15:34 of his papers and he leans forward towards Jennifer. Oh, yes. How are you doing, ma'am? Not too shabby. Let me just kind of move. What are you working on? Woosh. Woosh. Woosh. Woosh. Whoa. Jennifer. Whoa. Jennifer, okay. You and that guy?
Starting point is 00:15:49 Did you go home with him that night? Yeah, I was interested until I saw what kind of book he was writing. What was he writing? It was like the art of bicycle maintenance and being chill. Huh? You said it like it's a bad thing.
Starting point is 00:16:03 Actually, that does sound kind of cool. I screwed up. Yeah, you kind of messed up. You should have made love to that person. Wait, the art of that guy's rich now. Oh, that is the same book I keep seeing around facing. Yeah, you're really bold. Okay, well, it turns out he turned out fine, so I don't feel bad about this at all. Yeah, I'm not worried about it.
Starting point is 00:16:20 But that was not Kev. That is not me. Okay. This one could be you, Kevi. This sounds like a real Kevi type of comment. Here we go. Here we go. I'm bringing the paper closer and closer to my face. Not too close. Oh, and backing it up a little bit. Brought it too close.
Starting point is 00:16:36 Waiter asked me for my order, and I said, surprise me. It has now been a week, and I still have not fully recovered. One out of five stars. Yeah, so surprise me then. Headbutt. Oh! What did you want?
Starting point is 00:16:54 Oh. That's on me. Was that Kevi? Did I kill you like that? Is that how you died, Kevi? No, that is not me. Oh, thank God. And also, Seb, that is not on you because on our chalkboard it said
Starting point is 00:17:09 special of the day, a headbutt right to your head as hard as we can, and he just did not read the special of the day before he said surprise me, so that's actually not on you. Also, to be fair, it's not a surprise if it's the special of the day. Yeah, you were serving headbutts that day. Yeah, not that much of a surprise. But it's still a surprise even if it's the special of the day. Yeah, you were serving headbutts that day. Yeah, not that much of a surprise.
Starting point is 00:17:25 But it's still a surprise, even if it's written out. Oh, gosh. I don't want to get into the semantics, because then it becomes... You're right. We've had this one. You're right. Let's not get into the ants of this. I'll read the next one. All right. Oh, Beef Skinnery? Yeah, yeah. As we established, I know some words
Starting point is 00:17:42 from night-night school, so here we go. Beef takes a paper. Showed up all decked out with my crew for BDSM night, only to realize it stood for Beef Does Something Magic. Rather misleading advertising. Four out of five stars. And for my next trick,
Starting point is 00:18:08 I will have Chalice come into this box and I will cut her in half. Ooh, Chalice is like wearing a full feather headdress and she's sparkly and she has so much makeup on and she is thrilled to be Beef's assistant. Yes, I will be chopped up by my friend Beef. Be careful in the soak zone. You don't want to be covered in my blood. Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Hey, Beef! Hey, Beef! Yes, Chip? Hey, could you...
Starting point is 00:18:33 I'm on stage. I know, but could you stop screaming, I'm scared of magic. Ah, ah, I'm so scared of magic. Every time you do a trick, the kids are starting to yell, and they're throwing eggs. Sure, alright. Well, the eggs are starting to yell and they're throwing eggs. Sure. All right. Well, the eggs are delicious, so they can keep throwing them.
Starting point is 00:18:49 Okay. Okay. I got to tell you, this one's a- Good luck. Yep. This is the scariest trick of them all. I'm so sorry, you beautifully, beautiful people all wearing black leather. This is kind of crazy that you all decided to wear black leather to my-
Starting point is 00:19:03 Hey, Beef. Hey, Beef. Hey, Beef. Yes, Sebi, I'm on stage. Well, okay. This guy wants to walk me like a dog. Is that okay with you? I just don't want to take anything away from what you and Chalice are— Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:19:15 Seb, you look like you are just beaming. I've never seen you happier. So, yeah, go walk like a dog. Okay, I'm going to go walk like a dog. Turn into a dog, Seb. Just turn into a dog. That would be easier. You're welcome. All right walk like a dog. Turn into a dog, Sam. Just turn into a dog. That would be easier. You're welcome. Alright, Chalice is in.
Starting point is 00:19:28 Good luck, Beef. Oh, thank you so much. I am still on stage. Alright, Chalice. Hey, Beef! Yes, Jenny. I am on stage, just to let you know. Oh! What are you doing? Well, I'm about to chop off Chalice. No!
Starting point is 00:19:43 I love Chalice! No, no, no. It's just magic, which I hate. Oh, well, carry on. All right. Chalice is in her box. Ooh, I'm in a box. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:19:57 Now, look at this box. Bee starts banging around the box. It's a real solid box, right, Chalice? No ins or outs. No ins or outs. Solid box. It's a real solid box, right, Chalice? No ins or outs. No ins or outs. Solid box. I'm gonna take this sword and shove it right through here.
Starting point is 00:20:13 Wait. I hate magic. Wait, I hate magic. No, beef. Wink, wink, wink. You told me to wink like I get cut. Oh, I forgot. I got so scared. Throw your eggs. This is terrible.
Starting point is 00:20:28 Oh, delicious eggs. That was such a good show. It went so well. That guy still walks me around. That's the guy who takes you for your walk, Seb? Yeah, yeah. Once a day. I mean, I don't know how to pee without him at this point.
Starting point is 00:20:43 That's sweet. That's like love. Really nice. Really, really nice. I got to admit, though, Kevi doesn't seem like a BDSM kind of guy. No. Maybe I'm wrong.
Starting point is 00:20:51 Don't judge a book by its cover, brother. Ayo! So that was you? Oh, no, I'm just saying. Oh. Not helpful. Anyways, I got my trifocals on, and I am going to read a deed.
Starting point is 00:21:06 This little comment. All of the staff were staunchly holding hands together the entire time I was there. My meal took six hours to arrive. One out of five stars. I told you don't don't don't let go. Don't let go. Don't let go. Don't let go. I would never.
Starting point is 00:21:23 OK, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Hello, sir. Welcome to Bottoms Up. We are five best friends, and we promised ourselves we'd hold hands this entire day. We'd give each other a donut if we do this all day. We all get a donut.
Starting point is 00:21:39 But we don't buy it for ourselves. We give it to each other. That's right. Can we get you anything to start with? Yeah. What would you like to order? And what donut do you think Beef should have? Yeah, actually, start answering first that, then your order.
Starting point is 00:21:53 I don't really can speak to your preferences, but... I'm open. Chocolate. Beef's open. No, not chocolate. Jesus Christ. What the hell? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Starting point is 00:22:06 Get this sicko out of here. Chocolate? Get the hell out of here, man. Run. That's a baby flavor. What do we look like, freaking babies to you? Come on. When all options are available, autumnal options, my God. No, sit down, sit down. You know what we're gonna do?
Starting point is 00:22:21 We're gonna punish you by making a meal. He was one foot out of bottoms up. Come back. Sit down. No. Sit down, sit down. You know what we're going to do? We're going to punish you by making a meal. He was one foot out of bottoms up. Come back. Sit down. No. Sit down. Sit down. I'm sitting.
Starting point is 00:22:31 Now, what do you want? Yeah, what do you want? Don't say chocolate. I swear to God, if you say chocolate. Oh, my God. If this guy says chocolate one more time, I'm going to show him. Do you want me to say what I want, or do you want me to say something different? Why don't you order this special?
Starting point is 00:22:45 And I gesture over to the chalkboard, and it says headbutts. It's plural this time. Headbutts. I don't want the special. I'll just have a chocolate donut. No! That was a great day. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:02 Was that you, Kevi? That was not me. Oh, yeah. You would never say such a word. Yeah. Was that you, Kevi? That was not me. Oh, yeah. You would never say such a word. Okay. All right. Let's keep going. We've got to be close.
Starting point is 00:23:11 Yes. I'll try. The owner and the waitress started talking in this weird, made-up language. Two out of five stars. Peroni Corona. A-be-ba-be-ba-ba-ba-bo. Yes, yes. I don't know how to say it.
Starting point is 00:23:33 A-be-ba-da-scoo-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. A-be-ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. A-be-ba-da-scoo-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. I'm putting a little napkin on my head. A-be-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da. I got long hair like a damsel. A-be-ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. And then they glare over at Beef and Chip, I got long hair like a damsel. And then they glare over at Beef and Chip, who they are doing this to upset.
Starting point is 00:23:53 Beef, Beef, can you say real words? Please say real words to me. Beef. Beef. You're just saying Beef. Am I going nuts? Oh, sorry. You must not have understood what we just said to each other.
Starting point is 00:24:05 It's our best friend language that just we have. We were just talking about how funny the customer who just came in was. Yeah, and how long their hair is. Oh, I thought I was losing my absolute mind. Okay. No, don't talk about Chip that way. Wait, you understand? I think I do. I don't know what they're saying, but I can always just kind of feel what they're saying.
Starting point is 00:24:26 But it's about me. Red stripe. Red stripe. It's not good for you, Chip. It's not good for you. I've been smoking up. I'm eating a corn cob all the way home. Wait, Seb, you're talking in English again.
Starting point is 00:24:40 Oh, God. Okay. Well, that was not Kevi, I don't think. I don't think it was Kevi. There was barely another character in that one. That was not Kevi. Also, Kevi, we just did, I don't know, like five of these. Do you have like a vibe?
Starting point is 00:24:54 Like, what are we looking for? Do you have any guesses? Are we getting close? If I'm being serious, the only thing that perked my attention was when you said unfinished business. I was like, that's right. And I remembered writing something down and being heartbroken. Did I kill you? You have to ask me, all right?
Starting point is 00:25:11 Legally, you have to ask me. Did you kill me? I'm asking you. I'm asking you. Okay, we could be here for hours. Oh, we just got to get through these comments. Okay, all right. Here's another one.
Starting point is 00:25:22 Thanks for making me the Onion Man. That night was a blast. Five out of five stars. Fun. It's a night where we declare the Onion Man. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people of all ages, please gather to the stage of the bar where we will declare an onion man. That's right. Feast your eyes on where we are because soon the onion man will be here.
Starting point is 00:25:58 Could it be you? Could it be you? Could it be you? Yes. Could it be you? Could it be you? Yes. Could it be me, said the little orphan? Oh, I really hope it's me. Oh, I really hope it's me, too. But it's never an orphan.
Starting point is 00:26:16 It's never an orphan. But could it be you? Could it be you? It could be you. In fact, there's never a dry eye in the house when the Onion Man is named. I bet you're wondering, how do we choose who gets to be the Onion Man? It's an excellent question. It's simple. It's right there in the name. We pick the man that looks the most like an onion. And we give him this sash and free pot of orange for one whole week.
Starting point is 00:26:46 Onion Man. Onion Man. Onion Man. And this year it was unanimous. Unanimous. Unanimous. Onion Man. Onion Man. Onion Man. Onion Man. I think the light shines down
Starting point is 00:27:01 on a person who clearly was not participating in the festivities. But looks so much like an onion. Looks incredibly like an onion. Like an onion with little feet. An onion with glasses on. The spotlight comes on
Starting point is 00:27:17 to a gentleman that is sitting in the front row. It's an onion with glasses on. And the little onion with his little feet dangling off the chair just kind of like looks to the left
Starting point is 00:27:29 and the right like me. Yes! Yes, of course! No! No! And we have the tiniest little sash for you, onion man.
Starting point is 00:27:38 Come on up, onion man! Wait, wait, wait! I hate to hold the festivities, but are you an orphan? He like looks nervously left and right. Sir, please for the love of God, please don't be an orphan. He hops off the chair and starts running for the door as quickly as he can.
Starting point is 00:27:52 No! Put him in the wicker van! We have to burn him alive! Somebody catch that onion! Okay. And then the spotlight goes to regular Joe and they make him onion. Again. All right.
Starting point is 00:28:06 Six years. It's truly honored to just be considered. Sure, sure, sure. I think we get rid of the orphan rule. We got to get rid of the orphan rule. That's the most important rule. I wonder what that man is doing right now. He's sitting by his fire and looks like they've got some dinner on.
Starting point is 00:28:24 It's all very small He's with a couple leeks Is that what baby onions are? No Just a totally different thing Sean, just go promenade into the ocean Yeah, why don't ya We'll never know
Starting point is 00:28:37 We'll never know Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp And with that said, I've got a question for ya What's the right amount Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it
Starting point is 00:29:05 was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first
Starting point is 00:29:52 month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Chip, you got one for us? Yeah, I'd love to read this one aloud. Although, Kevi, you would have been a great Onion Man, and we're sorry we never made you Onion Man while you were alive. Garbage can and the Onion Man, it's too many things. But it rhymes. That would have been cool. Two titles. Yeah. What about this one, though?
Starting point is 00:30:18 Came here when the Red Rhino was signing autographs, but it was so unorganized. Where was the bouncer? Single file, please. Single file. Everyone will get to meet the Red Rhino. Just stop pushing. He's really here. Oh, my God. Why are you in line?
Starting point is 00:30:36 I want to meet the Red Rhino. I want to meet the Red Rhino. I mean, you've gone on adventures with whatever you want, man. We've been busy with the adventure, and there's no right time to ask for it. Oh, my God. This crowd is so unmanaged. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:30:52 I have to go take a little snooze. One second. With the red rhino, there's people here. I know. Just a little bit. Red rhino will be back in just a couple minutes. Yeah, guys. Don't worry.
Starting point is 00:31:01 I've worked with the red rhino before. He likes to do stuff like this. You've worked with him? Then why are you in line? Let me get in front of you. Over my dead body. Hey, hey, line. Listen up.
Starting point is 00:31:12 It's me, Chip Ahoy here. You better stand in a straight line, everybody. Oh, Chip, thank God you're here. You might need to dress like red rhino and pretend to... Chip? Sorry, she's a little sleepy in here. I think I'm going to go take a little snooze. You're going to dress like Red Riding Row and pretend to... Chip? Sorry, she's a little sleepy in here. I think I'm gonna go take a little snooze. You're gonna leave right now? Yeah, the line's
Starting point is 00:31:29 managed and I gotta go. Get out of here. I gotta go. Oh, he's gone and the line immediately went unmanaged. Back. I'm back. I'm back from my little nap. It was a quick nap and I'm back from it. Why are you dressed like the bouncer? What?
Starting point is 00:31:46 Oh, no. Because, just kidding, I was Chip. Oh, Chip. And Chip A. Roy, a.k.a. Roy, the guy who lied about doing the thing where he did the thing where he... You suck! It's been eight hours of this, Chip. Can you go wake up Red Rhino? This is dire. Yeah, never met him before, but I'll go wake him up.
Starting point is 00:32:06 It has been eight hours, but still, no one is in Iron Man's line. I'm also doing autographs. You can get in my line if you want. Rulie or unruly, I'll take you how you are. I'll come to you next, Iron Man. Man, I've never met Iron Man. Kevi? Was that a bit...
Starting point is 00:32:24 Was that you? Anything ring a bell? I don't think... I didn't even know that event happened. That's cool. Well, shoot. Are you a fan of Red Rhinos? He's pretty cool.
Starting point is 00:32:32 Huge. Really? Yeah. He saved my dog. Aw. And by dog, I mean Seb. Oh. Beef, you're up.
Starting point is 00:32:41 I was here during the big storm. The staff started encouraging us to break stuff for tax claims. I don't think they know how taxes work, but it was fun. So four out of five stars. Just the most expensive thing you can find. Whatever is the most expensive. We're struggling to find stuff expensive, sir. That hurt my feelings.
Starting point is 00:33:05 Rude. Really rude. I mean, like, I'm picking this thing up, like, what is this? No, no, no, not that. Sir, that's one of our glass menageries. Please put that down. Put that down. Not even funny.
Starting point is 00:33:15 This is the only thing that looks even remotely expensive. I said expensive, not invaluable, okay? That thing is priceless. Sir, I don't think you understand. We went on a road trip together, and we all bought glass menageries together, and they That thing is priceless. Sir, I don't think you understand. We went on a road trip together, and we all bought glass menageries together, and they mean a lot to us. There wasn't an episode about it,
Starting point is 00:33:31 but there should have been. It meant that much. Yeah, it's kind of like having a zoo made out of glass. Sir, do you even care? Do you even care? We're not going to share our tax break with you then. Get your own. It's just for us. Was that originally part of the deal? Not anymore. No, not anymore. Well our tax break with you then. Get your own. It's just for us.
Starting point is 00:33:45 Was that originally part of the deal? Not anymore. No, not anymore. Well then, screw you! And he slams the glass of menagerie on the ground and explodes. No! Whoa! No!
Starting point is 00:33:56 I roll for initiative. Yes. I roll for initiative too. And I roll for initiative. And I do as well. Oh, he rolled poorly. It's all you guys in whatever order you want before him. I rolled a nat 20 for initiative. I rolled for initiative. And I do as well. Oh, he rolled poorly. It's all you guys in whatever order you want before him. I rolled a nat 20 for initiative.
Starting point is 00:34:08 I rolled a 19. Chip, destroy him. Chalice, finish him. I will murder this man. Kill him, Chip. I will be killing this man. Smash him like you smashed our menagerie, Chip. Smash him.
Starting point is 00:34:21 Smash him up. Does a 17 hit? Yeah, it definitely hits. Okay, here we go. I take out my axe, and there are tears in my eyes streaming down my face. And I scream, glass menagerie! And I slice this guy as hard as I possibly can. Ten damage.
Starting point is 00:34:40 All right, yeah, it goes straight into his back. Oh! And he just starts trying to get to the exit now. He's just trying to. And I won't let him. Can we turn him into glass? Are we powerful enough to do that? If we can get him hot enough.
Starting point is 00:34:56 Wait, Seb, say that again. If we can get him hot enough. Can we cut to them in a government office filling out the tax forms? Yes. And it's like, how many people deceased at your place of business? We're going to need a bigger form, okay? People die a lot. Well, that guy did die, so...
Starting point is 00:35:20 Kevi? Kevi? That was not me. Okay. Okay. Crazy that that guy had fun, though. Yeah, four out of five. Maybe that guy isn't the one that wrote the comment.
Starting point is 00:35:32 You're right. Maybe it was a bystander. Yeah. Okay, all right, all right. Everybody shut up. Come for a quiet meal was forced to compete in a dating competition. How was I supposed to know? It was Bachelorette night.
Starting point is 00:35:49 Okay, Jennifer, you are standing here with your cheeses. Please hand out the cheeses you'd like to hand to this week's rat women and men. Well, I'd like to start off by saying everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. And this journey has been like stairs. There's so many of you, and I wanted to get up on you.
Starting point is 00:36:20 But there's not enough time to really explore all the relationships I wish there was. Can I just quit? Can I just quit? No! You don't quit! I'm the back of the rat! Chip, you made it so far.
Starting point is 00:36:33 You made it so far. You could win, Chip. My heart's not in it. There's three of you and only two cheeses. So if everyone wants to say their final piece, and Chip, that doesn't count! I'll listen, and then I'll make my choice. Jennifer, my rat heart has grown three sizes being in your presence. You are the most beautiful mademoiselle, and you and I seem cut from the same cloth. I would love to ride off into the sunset with you.
Starting point is 00:37:05 Okay. Chalice, not a great start. Super condescending. into the sunset with you. Okay. Chalice, not a great start. Super condescending. Oh, f*** you. Oh, hell yeah. But the sentiment's nice. Next. Jennifer, you know, normal talk and words can't do it as well as an impromptu R&B sounding song.
Starting point is 00:37:32 Let me tell you two times. I want you. Let me tell you three times. That's one time. I'm tired of waiting in the rain because I love you. rain because I love you. Oh, I love you. Little rat.
Starting point is 00:37:49 Okay. I'm not done. Let me tell you four times. I need you. Tonight. And I'm done. Wow. All right.
Starting point is 00:38:00 Jennifer, what do you think so far? And I would like to say let let's refrain from saying next, because these are people that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Well, I think Chip still. Of course, of course. Yeah. Here's the thing. This might be a big reveal, but I actually have feelings for Chalice.
Starting point is 00:38:19 And I actually don't want to be here. Very funny. You can't just say whatever to get out of doing this, Chip. No, no, guys, I'm serious. Ha ha ha. Yeah, this is really kind of rude. Chalice, I have really strong feelings for you. This is mean.
Starting point is 00:38:33 This is so mean to me, Chip. Just to get out of this? This is supposed to be for Jennifer. This is hurting my feelings. I'm trying to make a heartfelt confession right now. Shut up! I want to be with Chalice, and I don't want to be with you. You're a stupid little rat, and I want Chalice.
Starting point is 00:38:44 I made my decision, and it's beef. The host? Took me 45 minutes to come up with that song. Everybody wants a piece of beef. Kevi, checking in? No. Are you even paying attention, dude? I am.
Starting point is 00:38:59 None of these sound familiar at all. We're reenacting these things in the attic for you. Let me read one. If you think I'm not involved enough, I'll read one. Alright. You're taking
Starting point is 00:39:09 Jennifer's turn now. What? That's the deal. Jennifer, you can hold it up because he keeps trying to put his hand through it. Oh god, it's just paper.
Starting point is 00:39:19 The entire staff started sword fighting each other. Two out of five stars. En garde. You have dishonored me for the last time, Beef. En garde. I'm going to wipe your ass.
Starting point is 00:39:33 What? What did I mean to say? I'm going to wipe the floor with you and kick your ass. Can I, um, I want to do a C on Beef's forehead, like Zorro. Oh. With cuts? With cuts. Oh.
Starting point is 00:39:45 Whoa, is that too much? What? We killed a guy like 15 minutes ago. I mean, sometimes Zorro does it with like people's clothes and stuff. No, no, no, no. Do my forehead. Try it.
Starting point is 00:39:56 Just try it, child. Okay, I would like to try. What do I have to roll for? Roll for dexterity so that you don't cut Beef's head off. I got thick skin. Okay, I botched. Okay, Beef's head pops off. No.
Starting point is 00:40:12 You just completely whiff. Ah! Chalice, were you trying to scar Beef forever? No. I think that's what you were trying to do. No. I saw you two sword fighting, so I drew my blade, of course, but what's going on between the two of you? We got into a big fight. They are still sword fighting while they're crying.
Starting point is 00:40:29 Oh, my God. We were close together. Why are we fighting? Why are we even fighting? Why are we even fighting? Hey. Yeah, Seth, what's up? No, you go ahead.
Starting point is 00:40:39 I didn't have anything. Oh, I really didn't have anything. Chris was like, well, this seems like a liability to the bar. I don't even know why we're part of this. It's kind of just between them and they kind of just... Maybe we should start talking. This isn't about us. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:51 Let's just get out of here. Why aren't we as close as we used to be? Ooh. On guard! And that's why it's always good to sword fight it out with your best friends. Yep. Yep. No dice.
Starting point is 00:41:04 Kevi, do you remember even like where it hurt when you were dying? Was it your butt? Was it your stomach? Was it your chest? Was it your neck? Was it your head? Was it your butt?
Starting point is 00:41:13 If you're trying to ask me where it hurt when I fell from heaven, I'm happily married. Or I was. That's definitely not what she said. Okay, Kevi, focus up. I got a good feeling about this. This one's you, all right?
Starting point is 00:41:28 10 out of 10, establishment. Oh! Okay. As a lowly palace-serving folk, some of us are just tickled to have the former princess wait on us instead. Back again next week. Huh. Hi, everyone.
Starting point is 00:41:44 Welcome to Bottoms Up. Hi. Hi. Huh. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Bottoms Up. Hi. Hi. Oh, hey. Hi. Whoops. Oh, sorry. You dropped your napkin on the ground.
Starting point is 00:41:53 Let me just pick that up for you. Sorry, was that my fart or your fart? I don't know. Probably you. Probably. Sorry. So anyways, our specials of the day are a headbutt and pot of orange. But between you and me, it's a little bit more red today.
Starting point is 00:42:09 Yeah. I was actually wondering, could you get all four of us a foot rub? Oh. Yeah. Shelly's feet are super stinky and need to be rubbed. They are so stinky. And they need to be rubbed to get rid of the stink. Oh, I normally don't do stuff like that.
Starting point is 00:42:24 But you guys seem pretty fun. We'll pay get rid of the stink. Oh, I normally don't do stuff like that, but you guys seem pretty fun. We'll pay you like a copper piece. Oh, really? Seb, look, I'm doing something for money. Not now. I'm head-buddying a child. Okay, sorry. So, yeah, like, what's it like, like, working here?
Starting point is 00:42:40 I mean, I love working with my friends. They're my best friends in the whole world. Are you guys best friends? No. Yes. Oh, cool. That is how best friends talk. I love it. Totally. You guys seem so cool. Do you guys want to like maybe go get like martinis later? Princess Chalice, do you not recognize us? Oh my God. She doesn't recognize us. You don't recognize us? Oh my God. So you know me, Princess Chalice. Yeah, we recognize you, Princess Chalice. We used to work on your stinky feet. In fact, we-
Starting point is 00:43:09 Oh my God, you're the woodland creatures that worked for me. You would come to me when I sang. We're people. Stop saying that. We're human. We were never woodland creatures. Okay, wait. You always called us that.
Starting point is 00:43:20 I would go, ah, ah. Yeah, and then we would have to run. I was changing my kid's diaper when you did that, and I had to leave my kid on the counter to get to your ass. They almost rolled off. That's not my fault. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. You sang the song.
Starting point is 00:43:36 Okay, I don't want to rub your stinky feet. You rub my feet, idiot. I show two coppers in her face. I'm lifting two coppers, and I'm showing her two coppers. She's reaching for them. Come on. I'm rubbing her coppers and I'm showing her two coppers. She's reaching for them. Come on! I'm rubbing her feet. Chalice has scooched over to the corner
Starting point is 00:43:50 and she's sort of just like picking at something on the ground. Hey. She's fine. Hey, Chalice. They suck. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:56 You know, they're just... Wait, we already had this conversation after it happened. Do we have to go through this again? Yeah, you guys were pretty comforting then.
Starting point is 00:44:02 And honestly, giving that memory to Kevi, it made me realize that I kind of deserved that. I was really terrible to them. Dang. I wonder how that person's baby is. Probably fine. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:15 Yeah, probably fine. Let's say fine. All right. Chip, how about you read one? Let's change the subject. Okay, I got one. Your druid dishonored my order. No stars. Get wreck Okay, I got one. Your druid dishonored my order. No stars.
Starting point is 00:44:25 Get wrecked, barmaids. And then a glyph of warding charged with animate objects was on this comment. And the comment box looks agitated. Whoa. What? Can I like go over to the comment box and see what's going on? Yeah. Do you want to investigate it?
Starting point is 00:44:41 Yeah. Dirty 20. You get up close and you recognize that this thing is hostile before you get too close as it goes to lash out and attack you. Oh my gosh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, calm down. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What is this thing?
Starting point is 00:44:57 Chip looks down at the thing that he just read and he tries to analyze like what the glyphs were maybe. So when you look at it, you do know that it's like basically a trap was laid and it animated this object, which is the comment box to attack you. Hey, thank you so much for going in. I have nothing but respect for you, the clientele coming in here.
Starting point is 00:45:15 Here is your order. It's a pot of orange and I'm speaking directly to it and not to you. Go f*** yourself, you little bull. Oh, what did my. Oh. What the? What did my bull do to deserve that? Margaret, what is this man talking about? He's yelling at my bull, my beautiful little bull. He's dishonoring your order.
Starting point is 00:45:34 Maybe check your inside pocket. Okay. Silly, but do it. Okay, I put my hand into my inside. Ow, something bit me. It's our rat. They cook that orange. Go f*** yourself, bull. Whoa. She ordered this inside. Ow, something bit me. It's our rat. They cook that orange. Go f*** yourself, bowl.
Starting point is 00:45:47 She ordered this special. And she headbutts. Ow. Wow. I would have cursed you too. I gotta admit. That was pretty mean, Seb. Hey, me three.
Starting point is 00:45:58 Chip tries to take the gentle approach, and he approaches the comment box nicely and maybe uses some sort of animal handling check to calm it down. Oh, yeah. Give me an animal handling check. Wow. Hey, buddy. Hey there, Mr. Box.
Starting point is 00:46:14 A four. Hey. It snaps at you and spits a bunch more comments on the floor. Oh. Okay, guys. This might be a stretch, but I'm starting to maybe think that Kevi's comment isn't even in the box. Maybe Kevi has to write a new comment
Starting point is 00:46:31 and put it in the box. And as we're calmly talking, the comment box is biting Chip's ass. Can we take care of this first before we do the full Kevi stuff? Well, I thought maybe if we fed the box the comment... Oh, feed it a new comment. That's a great idea.
Starting point is 00:46:45 Yeah. Okay, well, someone write it down for me. I can't hold a pen. Yeah, Chip is calmly writing down on the card while the comment box is still biting his ass. Yeah, what's up? What's going on? What's the feedback? Be truthful.
Starting point is 00:46:57 We can take it. The feedback I have is everyone's cool. I just wish they asked me more personal questions. Personal questions. Okay. Dang, that really hurt my feelings more than I thought it would. Chip shoves the comment into the mouth
Starting point is 00:47:16 of the box. It snaps it up. It smacks its comment box lips that are the top and the bottom of it. And it looks appeased for the moment. Oh, hey. Good comment box. Who's a good comment box?
Starting point is 00:47:31 Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, we got to speed through these next few before this guy gets angry again. Yeah. All right, B picks up another one. The service was good, but there was a lot of sexual tension between all four members of the staff. Four out of five stars.
Starting point is 00:47:48 En garde. That was sexy. That was sexy. That was sexy. The little one taught me to read. They all kind of turn and look at me. He helped me for one whole hour.
Starting point is 00:48:06 I am very happy because now I can finally be a doctor for out of Fivster's Grunk D'Orc. Oh, that's nice. They put their name on. You really don't have to do that. Oh, so this was not Kevin. Not Kevin. I remember this guy. Hey, Pete, thank you so much for helping me out.
Starting point is 00:48:32 I really want to write this love letter, and I just, I don't know how to read. Absolutely. Absolutely. We got this. All right. So you got your paper? Mm-hmm. And your pen?
Starting point is 00:48:40 Mm-hmm. All right. What's the beautiful love's name? Maureen. All right. What's the beautiful love's name? Maureen. All right. Maureen. Yes? Sorry, did someone say my name?
Starting point is 00:48:52 Beef, play it cool, play it cool, play it cool. Gronk, is that you? Oh, hey. Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since thumping classes. Yeah, I haven't seen you since thumping classes. Wow, you've gotten bigger. Oh, thanks for noticing. Wow, you've gotten bigger. Oh.
Starting point is 00:49:07 Thanks for noticing. Excuse me, Mr. Beef. I'm all done with my letters. Do these look good? Perfect. Oh, sorry. Maureen, I can't really hang out right now. You know how to read? Oh, big time. Wow. Yeah, if you sit here with me and there's a banner
Starting point is 00:49:23 that says Beef's Tutoring Night up on the stage. But tutoring spelled like toot, that comes out of your butt. Absolutely. Well, if you all could sit here, we could all learn to read and fall in love. Nah. Fall in love? We could all learn to read and fall in love. I mean, that school is the reason why we're invited to 20 weddings this summer.
Starting point is 00:49:46 Totally. I was that guy's best man in his wedding. Did you guys go to Gronk's baby shower? That was adorable. Yes. So sweet. So sweet. Man, it's getting pretty late.
Starting point is 00:49:58 Yeah, I'm starting to feel a little tuckered out. Maybe a couple more. Just check back in the morning. Oh, yeah. A couple more. Yes, let's see here. This one just says, perfect, no notes, 15 out of 10.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Whoa! Wow. Hey, welcome into Bottoms Up. You looking for a table? Oh, yes, I am. All right, and how many are in your party? Oh, it's just me. Even better.
Starting point is 00:50:22 All right, I love a little solo time. One menu, right this way. Hey, do you like this table? It's right by a window. You All right. I love a little solo time. One menu right this way. Hey, do you like this table? It's right by a window. You can see a bird outside. It's great. Oh, yes. It's lovely.
Starting point is 00:50:31 Thank you. And I just have, I'm so sorry about this. One more question for you. Do you want your water sparkling or still? Oh, I didn't even know there was enough sparkling, I guess. Okay, that's a little bit harder. I'm probably going to be a little bit longer away, but just trust me, I'm coming back. All right? Your waiter will be here in just a second. Thank you so much. Hi, I'm Chalice. I will be taking care of you today while Seb goes and
Starting point is 00:50:52 makes you some sparkling water. It sounds like it's a lot of trouble. He doesn't need to go through that then. No, we love it. You can just hear a power drill. We actually are really happy to do whatever you need. Sorry, someone just came in and ordered a bunch of stuff and then left before it came out. Do you want a bunch of this food for free? It might not be what you wanted to order. We'll get you whatever you want, but if you want this for free. Well, I'm not too picky, but what is it?
Starting point is 00:51:17 It's a bunch of like really hot buttered rolls that are steaming. We ran out of pot of orange, so Jennifer is really fighting for her life back there. Incredible ribs. Beef tartare. Great. Okay, I'm just going to put this down. I'm going to be right back with a glass of champagne for you. I'll be just one second.
Starting point is 00:51:35 Alright. Hey, Bungo, that was actually way easier than I thought. Here's your sparkling water. Thank you. Hi, my name's Beef. I'm just going around passing out little slips to see if you'd like to attend the speed dating tonight. Oh, I'm kind of fresh out of a relationship. I shouldn't even say fresh. It's been two years, John. Yes, that sounds great. Okay, but hey, don't pressure yourself if you don't want to, okay, buddy? But we'd love to have you.
Starting point is 00:52:05 Wink. Love you. If you want me to. All right, bye. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry, sir. The man behind you was trying to murder you.
Starting point is 00:52:17 Let me just... Sorry, just... Yes. Just going to quickly toss him out. Sorry about that. Yeah, get him out of here, Chip. We are so sorry, sir. And I almost got him. Yeah, get him out of here, Chip. We are so sorry. And I almost got him.
Starting point is 00:52:27 Yeah, you were really close. Really close. Get out. Get out. Hey, John, is it? Yeah. I just want to say I'm sorry it even got that close. I promise it will never happen again.
Starting point is 00:52:36 Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Yeah, of course. Of course. Free bottle of champagne on the house, and we'll have Chip guarding you the rest of the night, and he'll walk you home. Absolutely. Absolutely. Hi, John. I think I fell in love with you.
Starting point is 00:52:47 I'm so sorry. Can I sit across from you and just listen to your woes? Of course, yeah. Hey, John, we all put our hands on his shoulder. You're safe here. You're safe here, John. You're safe here. I don't remember that at all.
Starting point is 00:53:01 Must have been blackout drunk or something. Oh, yeah, we were blackout drunk. That's when we got blackout drunk. Oh, right. Okay, yeah. We made a lot of money that night, though. Even though we were giving stuff away for free. Can someone pick one for me to read? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:18 How about this one? This one looks like a good one. Jennifer, you want to hold it up for him? No problem, dude. What is that? Alright, let's see this one. And then his eyes get huge. And it looks like mentally he's
Starting point is 00:53:33 transported somewhere. Maybe even remembering something. And you see, from his perspective, he's going into Bottoms Up bathroom. Pulls his pants down. And he does his business. Okay.
Starting point is 00:53:52 So far, so good. And when he's done, he goes to grab for the toilet paper. Uh-oh. But there is no toilet paper for his bum. And then there's just a little piece left. And he didn't have such a good day. In fact, he didn't have such a good month And he didn't have such a good day. In fact, he didn't have such a good month. He didn't have such a good year.
Starting point is 00:54:08 And this was the last straw. He saw that little piece of paper mocking him. And his heart broke. Not metaphorically, but physically. Oh. His heart exploded in his chest cavity. What? What?
Starting point is 00:54:24 And he died then and there in a bottoms-up bathroom. From a lack of toilet paper. We sit in the most awkward silence for maybe three minutes. They all cross their legs awkwardly. Like, they just, like, don't know what to do. Hmm. Oof. So we just gotta replace the toilet paper?
Starting point is 00:54:43 That's it? Hey, we're so sorry that Beef forgot to refill the toilet paper. Yeah, that's me. I'm in charge of that. Hey, guys, if I'm being honest, I don't blame you. It's just it was the last straw. Chalice runs to their supply closet, and there's no toilet paper. And she goes, ugh. And then she runs outside, runs down the street,'s no toilet paper, and she goes, ugh.
Starting point is 00:55:05 And then she runs outside, runs down the street, goes to Gus Chiggin's shop, Oh Things, and waits in line for like 10 minutes, buys the toilet paper. One single roll. The whole time, the rest of the gang are like, She should be back any second. She'll be back. It's probably the rain. She runs up the steps, and she hands him wet toilet paper because she was out in the rain.
Starting point is 00:55:29 Ta-da. Business finished. She hands it to him and he looks so happy and then it falls right through his hands because he can't hold anything. Don't tell us we have to wipe his ass. Don't say that. I mean. He doesn't even have a butt. His bottom half is just floaty stuff. That's right. Okay, we have to wipe his ass. Don't say that. I mean. He doesn't even have a butt. His bottom half is just floaty stuff.
Starting point is 00:55:46 That's right. Okay, we have to roll for it. Whoever rolls the lowest has to do it. No. Yes. No one rolls. He doesn't have a butt. I can do it.
Starting point is 00:55:54 Beef. Beef. Yeah. Oh, my God. Thank you. I've babysat enough times. I know what I'm doing. And I'm not afraid.
Starting point is 00:56:03 But, Beef, you've never, ever wiped a ghost butt. I know what I'm doing, and I'm not afraid. But, Beef, you've never, ever wiped a ghost's butt. I know. It'll be my biggest achievement. All right? Turn around. Touch your toes. Yes, sir. Don't make it.
Starting point is 00:56:17 Don't. No. No. Nope. Sorry. You ruined it. You gotta remain on this plane for forever. You ruined it.
Starting point is 00:56:22 I ruined it? Yeah, you said, yes, sir. It was weird. Come on this plane for forever. You ruined it. I ruined it? Yeah, you said. Yes, sir. It was weird. Come on! It's just a one-click! Sir. Wait!
Starting point is 00:56:33 Chalice goes over to the Luigi board. I can't believe I'm doing this. And she moves the pieces around, and you can see her ask for something, and she tries to get Chalice back to bully this ghost. You hear lightning. And it's such a big lightning that you hear. And ghost Chalice is now in the room.
Starting point is 00:56:52 Oh, my gosh. I'm back. Oh, wait. I'm just Chalice's reflection. Chalice. See, this is what I'm saying. No, you guys, there's no mirror in here. What are you even talking about?
Starting point is 00:57:02 Yeah, there's no mirror in here. What are you even talking about? See, we're the same thing. Wait, do you want me to bully someone else? Why am I here? Explain how this is going to wipe my ass. Oh, um, hi. My name's Chalice.
Starting point is 00:57:14 I've been dead for like 500 years. Who are you? Oh, my God. You're beautiful. You're more beautiful than anybody in this room. Huh. You wouldn't happen to have ghost toilet paper on you, would you? Do I?
Starting point is 00:57:28 And she pulls out a roll of ghost toilet paper. I never go anywhere without it. Oh. Toilet paper that's died. Okay. If you'll excuse me, I gotta wipe my ass. Go! Yeah, then go! All right. Ghost butt wipe!
Starting point is 00:57:44 He wipes his butt and he disappears. Poof! Go. All right. Ghost butt wipe. He wipes his butt and he disappears. Poof. Interesting. But Ghost Chalice is still in the room. Oh, no. Oh, God. Is she going to have to bully one of us for three years again? I love this attic space.
Starting point is 00:57:57 I think I'll stay for three years. No. God. Oh, no. What's today's date? Halloween in 2023. I will be here until 2026, and that is canon.
Starting point is 00:58:10 No! That's so funny. That canonically chipped it, confesses feelings. No one believed it. But nobody believed it. That happened right after the Narroway Guild episode. That's when this fell. Such a long time ago.
Starting point is 00:58:33 And it really hurt his feelings, so he never did it again. Oh my God. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Pera wrote the theme song, all of us booked up the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon.
Starting point is 00:58:54 The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we truly love. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 85 hours of content instantly. Wow, that's a lot of content. For five bucks? Oh, goodness. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats. This week's episode is Vibe and Hour, part two,
Starting point is 00:59:24 where you, the listener, become a little fly on the wall as Elizabeth and Aaron discuss anything and everything. Like what dress Elizabeth should get for an upcoming wedding. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. Also, a big thank you to everyone who came out to live band Scary Yoki out here in LA this past Friday. Wowie zowie, that was truly one of the best nights of my entire life. So fun. Okay, finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D and D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests.
Starting point is 01:00:06 See our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode. Get hot and spicy memes relating to the show. Okay. I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday. And thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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