SitcomD&D - S4 E12: Comment BOO!x 4
Episode Date: October 31, 2023In an effort to learn more about Beef’s ancestry the gang attempts to communicate with the dead. But it seems like this approach may just leave them with unfinished business.Starring:&...nbsp;Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Elizabeth Andrews & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a HeadGum Podcast.
So, Lee, what's going on with you?
Did you get new jeans?
I did get new jeans, again.
No way.
I did because when I went to Michigan, the one thing I forgot to pack was pants.
So the only pants I had for seven days was the one I was wearing.
So I had to go to Old Navy and get pants.
Wait, doesn't Old Navy do that thing where you can buy an outfit,
and then they have a little outfit so you can match your baby?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I saw a whole family matching bathing suits.
Four different types.
An adult man, an adult woman, a little child girl, and a little child boy.
All with matching swimsuits.
Okay, well, is the dog going to be included?
Old Navy used to have dog clothes, I think, right?
Did they really?
Old Navy was originally a clothing company just for dogs.
Nobody Googled it.
Hey, Sean, what was its name at the time, if you can help me recall?
Its name was Bone Navy.
Bone Navy. Old Yeller Navy. There it is. Its name was Bone Navy. Bone Navy.
Old Yeller Navy.
There it is.
I like that one better.
That's way better.
Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake
studio audience.
Today, spooky, spooky time.
And we've got a great episode for y'all today because something scary is kind of already happening.
Something spooky. spooky because in an effort to actually connect with beef's family who we don't know much of
anything about beef's birth family the gang has cracked out the ouija board or this world's ouija
board and are trying well that's for you guys to decide i'm not the DM. Who are you? Oh, busted again.
It's me, Lance Bass.
Whoa.
All right, all right.
So quiet on set.
Get out of here, Lance.
Sound speeding.
And we're rolling.
Dice.
When you need a break from this crazy world
To see your friends and fill a cup
Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef
At the Noble Bottoms Up
As step by step our growing pains
Are improving home and away
We're feeling absolutely fabulous
On another happy day We're in different fabulous on another happy day
We're in different worlds with different strokes
But the good times will not end
So cheers to all our family and our friends
Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass
Elizabeth Andrews as Beef
Waleed Mansour as
Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs
as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant.
And Sean Coyle as everything else.
Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake
studio audience.
Alright, so we're actually gonna pick up
in the attic
of Bottoms Up
using the Ouija board to try and connect with Beef's ancestors.
And so that's where you guys are at.
So you guys are telling me that you guys were birthed?
I'm telling you, you were birthed, too.
There's no way.
We were all birthed.
Except for, I think, a little crazy ass.
But outside of a little crazy ass, I'm pretty sure we were all birthed.
Well, and sea sponges.
And sea sponges, okay?
Which nobody cares about except for you, Seth.
Well, okay.
They butt off, and then they're just the same.
A new one of them.
It's besides the point.
You were birthed.
So you just ask your ghostly ancestors anything, and then they're going to answer, I think.
I think that's how this works.
Okay, Chalice, you've done this before, right?
Many of the time.
Yeah.
And I'm begging you not to.
I told you I did it at a slumber party and a ghost hung out in my room for like three years.
And she was so mean.
Well, you lived in a castle.
It's inevitable in a castle.
What was the ghost's name?
Chalice.
No.
Sounds like a mirror.
That is a mirror.
Sounds like a mirror.
No, it wasn't a mirror. And that's what everyone kept saying, Chip, and you know I'm sensitive
about that.
It was not a mirror.
It was my ancestor, Chalice, who I was named after.
She bullied me, and she made everyone think that I was crazy.
I was not crazy.
Beef, don't do this.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Beef, do it.
Damn, devil and angel.
Seb, what do you say? I say do it, and that's two against one. We, do it. Damn, devil and angel. Seb, what do you say?
I say do it, and that's two against one.
We're doing it.
Sorry, Chally, but the majority.
There's four of us.
There's four of us.
Jennifer, if you make this a tie.
I say do it.
Yes.
Sorry, hon.
Okay, well, don't come crawling to me when Chalice comes out of here and bullies us for three years.
Okay, so I just take my hands, I place it here, and then I say something, and then the
Luigi will...
Yeah, Luigi board.
Sure.
That's correct.
This is the Luigi board.
Yes, and.
And then it will spell something, and then I'll spell it for you, just so you know, Beef.
Okay, all right.
Well, I'll just ask this first off.
Are any of my ancestors here right now?
Good question.
Good question.
And so you all touch the piece in the center of the Luigi board
and move it around and you actually hear lightning, which
you can't usually.
So this is very scary.
Thunder is the sound of lightning.
I know, but that's what's so scary about this is you hear the lightning part.
What is that sound going to be?
I'm going to guess it sounds exactly like thunder.
We don't know that.
No, it's so different.
That's what's so scary about it.
I have an idea for what it can sound like.
It can sound like that?
It could.
It certainly could.
It actually struck so close that it rattles the foundation.
So much so that y'all in the attic, man, you're getting some whiplash from it.
It shakes the entire board to the floor,
and all of you spill out of your seats under the floor as well.
Oh, my ass!
I told you we were going to get bullied!
Show us! I'm scared!
My freaking ass!
What did you do, B?
What did you do?
What did you do?
What the?
Who's that?
Hello?
Okay, give me a perception check.
16. 16.
Okay.
First thing that you recognize is this is most likely a ghost.
The key giveaways here are that they are mostly translucent,
and they don't have feet.
Where their feet should be, they're kind of just floating off of the ground.
And there's a slight bluish tint to them.
Blue hue.
Blue hue.
And what you also recognize with the 16 shawls
is this person looks like vaguely
familiar. You can't quite place
them, but you're like 99% sure that they've just
been like around the bar before.
And it's because they look pretty distinct.
They are a
dragonborn, so they look like they have like
dragon type features.
And now you're kind of placing it that like
they used to like visit Bottoms Up and eat
quite frequently.
Oh, um, Kev, Kev, Kevvy.
Yeah.
Uh, Kess, Kessler, Ka, Ka.
Kevvy the garbage can because you could put away anything.
That's right.
Yeah, Kevvy the garbage can.
Kevvy Kessler Ka, the garbage can.
Whoa.
Wow.
Oh my God.
It is you. How, how you been. Oh my God, it is you.
How you been?
Ooh, chill.
Dead.
I've been dead, I think.
Yeah, I was going to say you look in shape.
Honestly, it was kind of all dark blackness before this,
and now I'm just realizing I'm probably dead.
Yeah, Kevi just realizing that.
We're sad to hear that.
I feel like you used to win a lot of our food challenges that we set up,
like eat a whole pot of orange in one second.
I'm so sad that you don't have life anymore.
Oh, man, me too.
Yeah, what killed you?
It wasn't that you ate a bunch of coins that one time, was it?
I'm having kind of a tough time remembering anything.
Oh, that's a freebie.
Okay, cool.
Wait, are you Beef's mom or dad or something?
Oh, yeah.
Am I Beef's mom or something?
Or cousin, brother.
I don't know, yeah.
Cousin, brother.
F*** no.
Oh, okay.
So we just brought back a random ghost.
So we just failed.
I'm sorry, Beef.
No, you brought me back.
Now I'm back and now I'm here and now I can hang out here again. Cool.
Or you could go because we're busy.
We are busy. So we can
send you back and then we can get
to the task at hand. Sure.
I guess I could go. And then
Kevi goes to like float out the window
and as soon as he does, he disappears
and reappears right by you guys.
Oh, crap.
Oh, I know what this is.
What is this?
This guy's got unfinished business.
That's what Chalice had when she haunted me.
And then you hear lightning.
No, not again.
Not again.
I don't even know what that sound is.
Wait, wait, wait, Chalice.
What are you saying right now?
That he has unfinished business?
Lightning sound again, baby.
You know it.
Yes.
Yeah, Beef, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Chalice had unfinished business, and then she finished her business,
and then she got to peacefully go to the afterlife.
But she was stuck until she finished her business.
Chalice, please don't tell me that you was stuck until she finished her business. Charles, please don't tell me
that you had to help
her finish her business.
Yeah,
her unfinished business
was to fulfill her dream
of bullying someone
who has the same name
as her for three years
straight.
Oh my God.
And Amir did this?
No,
Amir did not.
Ugh.
Okay,
well,
sir,
what,
um,
Kevi,
the garbage can,
what's your unfinished business? Could you enlighten us? Okay, well, sir, Kevi, the garbage can, what's your unfinished business?
Could you enlighten us?
Oh, yeah, the last thing I remember.
Yeah, what's the last thing you remember?
Yeah, what's the last thing you remember?
Scratching my chin.
Your finger just went through your chin.
Oh, doesn't hurt.
I don't feel anything.
Okay, the last thing I remember, probably, oh, something was wrong.
I did have unfinished business.
And I wrote it down.
And I put it in your comment box.
Oh, no.
Lightning strike sound.
You said it that time, Kevi.
Kevi.
I'm sorry.
But you can't remember what you wrote.
So your comment is in,
and then the camera pans
over to the comment box.
And this time you hear
thunder.
It's in there.
Okay, well,
that's today's episode,
I guess.
Let's go over to that.
Oh, fine.
Okay, okay, okay.
Do we need, like,
bolt cutters? Put the locks on here again. I don't know why we keep locking this thing up. Can I roll Okay, okay, okay. Do we need like bolt cutters?
Put the locks on here again.
I don't know why we keep locking this thing up.
Can I roll for like history of how to open it?
Because I feel like we've never opened it naturally.
Yes, it's always like exploded open for some reason.
Yeah, give me a history check.
22.
Whoa, okay.
Way to go, Aaron.
With a 22 history check, Chalice,
you actually made a mental note the last time you watched
this thing bust open of exactly how it was hit and which parts of the comment box were,
I guess you could say, activated and in what order to bust that open.
You really kind of made an amazing mental note of that.
And it sparked an idea where you think if you can kind of like palm it and hit it
and bang it
in the right spots,
you may be able to
recreate what opened
it last time.
Okay.
Chalice walks over
and just starts
karate chopping it
in all the right places.
Cool.
Give me a dexterity
check on that
to see if you can actually
do what your brain
knows it should.
Okay, please roll high.
Come on, brain.
Come on, brain. Okay, I got, please roll high. Come on, brain. Come on, brain.
Okay, I got a five.
Okay, you hurt your finger.
Oh, God.
Karate chop is not good form.
Is this good form?
And Chip comes and he raises his axe high into the air
and sweeps it down in a crushing blow towards the lock.
As he hits the lock,
I don't know if you guys have ever seen Lord of the Rings,
where Gimli hits the ring.
No, this is not a magic lock.
Is it?
It's always just falling open.
Oh, no!
Chip blasts back.
No!
But when the dust settles,
you see that the lock politely just kind of clicks open
and falls off the box.
Well, okay. You're're welcome my hand hurt okay you don't mind if we do let's promenade over there promenades by word
of the day if anyone wanted to ask it's an excellent what does it mean it means to walk
with purpose towards the sea
to walk with purpose towards the sea.
No.
Okay.
That is exactly what that word
should mean.
Chip grabs
all of the comments from the box and passes them out
into four stacks, five stacks.
Is Jennifer doing reading or no?
Yes, she is.
Chip grabs all the comments and
passes them out into five stacks
okay to four of the main characters and jennifer thank you this should go quick we should be able
to find kevi's comment in no time should be easy let's just do them at the same time everybody just
read chalice picks up the top comment and unfurls it I just wanted to work on my novel. Zero out of
five stars. Oh, this could be you, Kevi.
You look like a novel man.
Excuse me, sir.
Sorry. I don't want to pull you away
from your work. Yes, I'm busy, but yes,
how can I help? Can you settle a fight between
me and my friend Beef? Yeah.
Okay, I guess I
could. What is it? What is it? What is it?
Scooch is into the food for you.
Oh, okay.
You just spilled my ink all over the place.
Who's cuter?
Who's cuter?
Yeah.
Who is the cutest patootist?
Between who?
Us.
Me and Beef.
Oh.
Um.
I guess, well, he's smaller, so generally, based on science, that makes you cuter.
So I'm going to go with Mr. Small Guy.
Oh!
Try again.
Say something else.
I'm sorry.
I'm actually working on my book right now.
This is crazy, book guy,
because we have gone to every person in this bar
and asked them that,
and you are not going to believe this.
They've all said me.
I do believe it because I agreed
with that justification.
Chalice, this is crazy.
Try again.
Again.
Try again?
We're going to try this again.
Hey, sir,
can you settle an argument
between me and my friend here?
Ma'am, you have to be smaller
for me to think you're cute.
No, I don't.
And Chalice gets all the ink
and she shoves it
into her apron
so he doesn't have any ink left and she gets up from the table.
I need my ink.
Yeah, that was kind of screwed up that you said it like that, man.
I voted for you, sir.
You should never comment on someone's size.
Seb shoves open the doors from the kitchen, silently saunters over,
spits on the table, and then walks away.
What is happening?
What's happening is
I heard how you think
about cuteness. Oh. And I just like
to insert myself into the
conversation. The man pushes away all
of his papers and he leans forward
towards Jennifer. Oh, yes.
How are you doing, ma'am?
Not too shabby. Let me just kind of move.
What are you working on? Woosh. Woosh.
Woosh. Woosh.
Whoa. Jennifer. Whoa.
Jennifer, okay. You and that guy?
Did you go home with him that night?
Yeah, I was interested until I saw
what kind of book he was writing.
What was he writing?
It was like the art of bicycle maintenance
and being chill.
Huh?
You said it like it's a bad thing.
Actually, that does sound kind of cool. I screwed up.
Yeah, you kind of messed up.
You should have made love to that person. Wait, the art of
that guy's rich now.
Oh, that is the same book I keep seeing
around facing. Yeah, you're really bold.
Okay, well, it turns out he turned out fine, so I don't feel
bad about this at all. Yeah, I'm not worried about it.
But that was not Kev.
That is not me. Okay. This one could be you,
Kevi. This sounds like a real
Kevi type of comment. Here we go.
Here we go. I'm bringing the paper
closer and closer to my face. Not too close.
Oh, and backing it up a little bit.
Brought it too close.
Waiter asked me for my order, and I
said, surprise me. It has
now been a week, and I still have not fully
recovered. One out of five stars.
Yeah, so surprise me then.
Headbutt.
Oh!
What did you want?
Oh.
That's on me.
Was that Kevi? Did I kill you
like that? Is that how you died,
Kevi? No, that is
not me. Oh, thank God.
And also, Seb, that is not on you
because on our chalkboard it said
special of the day, a headbutt right to your
head as hard as we can, and he just
did not read the special of the day before
he said surprise me, so that's actually not on you.
Also, to be fair, it's not
a surprise if it's the special of the day. Yeah, you were
serving headbutts that day.
Yeah, not that much of a surprise. But it's still a surprise even if it's the special of the day. Yeah, you were serving headbutts that day. Yeah, not that much of a surprise.
But it's still a surprise, even if it's written out.
Oh, gosh. I don't want to get into the
semantics, because then it becomes... You're right.
We've had this one. You're right. Let's not get into the ants
of this. I'll read the next one.
All right. Oh, Beef Skinnery?
Yeah, yeah. As we
established, I know some words
from night-night school, so
here we go.
Beef takes a paper.
Showed up all decked out with my crew for BDSM night,
only to realize it stood for Beef Does Something Magic.
Rather misleading advertising.
Four out of five stars.
And for my next trick,
I will have Chalice come into this box and I will cut her in half.
Ooh, Chalice is like wearing a full feather headdress and she's sparkly and she has so much makeup on and she is thrilled to be Beef's assistant.
Yes, I will be chopped up by my friend Beef.
Be careful in the soak zone.
You don't want to be covered in my blood.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha! Hey, Beef! Hey, Beef!
Yes, Chip? Hey, could you...
I'm on stage. I know, but could you
stop screaming, I'm scared of
magic. Ah, ah, I'm so scared of magic.
Every time you do a trick,
the kids are starting to yell,
and they're throwing eggs. Sure, alright. Well, the eggs are starting to yell and they're throwing eggs. Sure.
All right.
Well, the eggs are delicious, so they can keep throwing them.
Okay.
Okay.
I got to tell you, this one's a-
Good luck.
Yep.
This is the scariest trick of them all.
I'm so sorry, you beautifully, beautiful people all wearing black leather.
This is kind of crazy that you all decided to wear black leather to my-
Hey, Beef.
Hey, Beef. Hey, Beef.
Yes, Sebi, I'm on stage.
Well, okay.
This guy wants to walk me like a dog.
Is that okay with you?
I just don't want to take anything away from what you and Chalice are—
Absolutely.
Seb, you look like you are just beaming.
I've never seen you happier.
So, yeah, go walk like a dog.
Okay, I'm going to go walk like a dog.
Turn into a dog, Seb.
Just turn into a dog.
That would be easier. You're welcome. All right walk like a dog. Turn into a dog, Sam. Just turn into a dog. That would be easier.
You're welcome. Alright, Chalice is in.
Good luck, Beef. Oh, thank you so much.
I am still on stage.
Alright, Chalice. Hey, Beef!
Yes, Jenny. I am
on stage, just to let you know.
Oh! What are you doing?
Well, I'm about to chop off
Chalice. No!
I love Chalice!
No, no, no.
It's just magic, which I hate.
Oh, well, carry on.
All right.
Chalice is in her box.
Ooh, I'm in a box.
Ooh.
Now, look at this box.
Bee starts banging around the box.
It's a real solid box, right, Chalice?
No ins or outs.
No ins or outs. Solid box. It's a real solid box, right, Chalice? No ins or outs. No ins or outs. Solid box.
I'm gonna take this sword
and shove it right
through here.
Wait. I hate
magic. Wait, I hate magic.
No, beef.
Wink, wink, wink.
You told me to wink like I get cut.
Oh, I forgot. I got so scared.
Throw your eggs.
This is terrible.
Oh, delicious eggs.
That was such a good show.
It went so well.
That guy still walks me around.
That's the guy who takes you for your walk, Seb?
Yeah, yeah.
Once a day.
I mean, I don't know how to pee without him at this point.
That's sweet.
That's like love.
Really nice.
Really, really nice.
I got to admit, though,
Kevi doesn't seem like a BDSM kind of guy.
No.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Don't judge a book by its cover, brother.
Ayo!
So that was you?
Oh, no, I'm just saying.
Oh.
Not helpful.
Anyways, I got my trifocals on,
and I am going to read a deed.
This little comment.
All of the staff were staunchly holding hands together the entire time I was there.
My meal took six hours to arrive.
One out of five stars.
I told you don't don't don't let go.
Don't let go.
Don't let go.
Don't let go. I would never.
OK, here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.
Hello, sir.
Welcome to Bottoms Up.
We are five best friends, and we promised ourselves we'd hold hands this entire day.
We'd give each other a donut if we do this all day.
We all get a donut.
But we don't buy it for ourselves.
We give it to each other.
That's right.
Can we get you anything to start with?
Yeah.
What would you like to order?
And what donut do you think Beef should have?
Yeah, actually, start answering first that, then your order.
I don't really can speak to your preferences, but...
I'm open.
Chocolate.
Beef's open.
No, not chocolate.
Jesus Christ.
What the hell?
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Get this sicko
out of here. Chocolate? Get the hell
out of here, man. Run. That's a baby
flavor. What do we look like, freaking
babies to you? Come on. When all
options are available, autumnal
options, my God. No, sit
down, sit down. You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna punish you by making a meal.
He was one foot out of bottoms up. Come back. Sit down. No. Sit down, sit down. You know what we're going to do? We're going to punish you by making a meal. He was one foot out of bottoms up.
Come back.
Sit down.
No.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'm sitting.
Now, what do you want?
Yeah, what do you want?
Don't say chocolate.
I swear to God, if you say chocolate.
Oh, my God.
If this guy says chocolate one more time, I'm going to show him.
Do you want me to say what I want, or do you want me to say something different?
Why don't you order this special?
And I gesture over to the chalkboard, and it says headbutts.
It's plural this time.
Headbutts.
I don't want the special.
I'll just have a chocolate donut.
No!
That was a great day.
Yeah.
Was that you, Kevi?
That was not me. Oh, yeah. You would never say such a word. Yeah. Was that you, Kevi? That was not me.
Oh, yeah.
You would never say such a word.
Okay.
All right.
Let's keep going.
We've got to be close.
Yes.
I'll try.
The owner and the waitress started talking in this weird, made-up language.
Two out of five stars.
Peroni Corona.
A-be-ba-be-ba-ba-ba-bo.
Yes, yes.
I don't know how to say it.
A-be-ba-da-scoo-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba.
A-be-ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.
A-be-ba-da-scoo-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba.
I'm putting a little napkin on my head.
A-be-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da.
I got long hair like a damsel.
A-be-ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. And then they glare over at Beef and Chip, I got long hair like a damsel.
And then they glare over at Beef and Chip, who they are doing this to upset.
Beef, Beef, can you say real words?
Please say real words to me.
Beef.
Beef.
You're just saying Beef.
Am I going nuts?
Oh, sorry.
You must not have understood what we just said to each other.
It's our best friend language that just we have.
We were just talking about how funny the customer who just came in was.
Yeah, and how long their hair is. Oh, I thought I was losing my absolute mind.
Okay.
No, don't talk about Chip that way.
Wait, you understand?
I think I do.
I don't know what they're saying, but I can always just kind of feel what they're saying.
But it's about me.
Red stripe.
Red stripe.
It's not good for you, Chip.
It's not good for you.
I've been smoking up.
I'm eating a corn cob all the way home.
Wait, Seb, you're talking in English again.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Well, that was not Kevi, I don't think.
I don't think it was Kevi.
There was barely another character in that one.
That was not Kevi.
Also, Kevi, we just did, I don't know, like five of these.
Do you have like a vibe?
Like, what are we looking for?
Do you have any guesses?
Are we getting close?
If I'm being serious, the only thing that perked my attention was when you said unfinished business.
I was like, that's right.
And I remembered writing something down and being heartbroken.
Did I kill you?
You have to ask me, all right?
Legally, you have to ask me.
Did you kill me?
I'm asking you.
I'm asking you.
Okay, we could be here for hours.
Oh, we just got to get through these comments.
Okay, all right.
Here's another one.
Thanks for making me the Onion Man.
That night was a blast.
Five out of five stars.
Fun.
It's a night where we declare the Onion Man.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people of all ages,
please gather to the stage of the bar where we will declare an onion man.
That's right. Feast your eyes on where we are because soon the onion man will be here.
Could it be you? Could it be you? Could it be you?
Yes.
Could it be you? Could it be you?
Yes.
Could it be me, said the little orphan?
Oh, I really hope it's me.
Oh, I really hope it's me, too.
But it's never an orphan.
It's never an orphan.
But could it be you? Could it be you? It could be you.
In fact, there's never a dry eye in the house when the Onion Man is named.
I bet you're wondering, how do we choose who gets to be the Onion Man?
It's an excellent question.
It's simple. It's right there in the name.
We pick the man that looks the most like an onion.
And we give him this sash and free pot of orange for one whole week.
Onion Man. Onion Man. Onion Man.
And this year it was unanimous.
Unanimous.
Unanimous.
Onion Man. Onion
Man. Onion Man.
Onion Man.
I think the light shines down
on a person who clearly was not
participating in the festivities.
But looks so much like an onion.
Looks incredibly
like an onion.
Like an onion with little feet.
An onion with glasses on.
The spotlight comes on
to a gentleman that is sitting
in the front row.
It's an onion with glasses on.
And the little onion
with his little feet
dangling off the chair
just kind of like
looks to the left
and the right like me.
Yes!
Yes, of course!
No!
No!
And we have the
tiniest little sash
for you, onion man.
Come on up, onion man!
Wait, wait, wait!
I hate to hold
the festivities, but
are you an orphan?
He like looks nervously left and right.
Sir, please for the love of God, please don't be an orphan.
He hops off the chair and starts running for the door as quickly as he can.
No!
Put him in the wicker van!
We have to burn him alive!
Somebody catch that onion!
Okay.
And then the spotlight goes to regular Joe and they make him onion.
Again.
All right.
Six years.
It's truly honored to just be considered.
Sure, sure, sure.
I think we get rid of the orphan rule.
We got to get rid of the orphan rule.
That's the most important rule.
I wonder what that man is doing right now.
He's sitting by his fire and looks like they've got some dinner on.
It's all very small
He's with a couple leeks
Is that what baby onions are?
No
Just a totally different thing
Sean, just go promenade into the ocean
Yeah, why don't ya
We'll never know
We'll never know
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month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Chip, you got one for us? Yeah, I'd love to read this one aloud.
Although, Kevi, you would have been a great Onion Man,
and we're sorry we never made you Onion Man while you were alive.
Garbage can and the Onion Man, it's too many things.
But it rhymes. That would have been cool.
Two titles.
Yeah.
What about this one, though?
Came here when the Red Rhino was signing autographs,
but it was so unorganized.
Where was the bouncer?
Single file,
please. Single file. Everyone
will get to meet the Red Rhino.
Just stop pushing. He's really here.
Oh, my God. Why are you in line?
I want to meet the Red Rhino.
I want to meet the Red Rhino.
I mean, you've gone on adventures with
whatever you want, man. We've been busy with
the adventure, and there's no right time to ask for it.
Oh, my God.
This crowd is so unmanaged.
Sorry.
I have to go take a little snooze.
One second.
With the red rhino, there's people here.
I know.
Just a little bit.
Red rhino will be back in just a couple minutes.
Yeah, guys.
Don't worry.
I've worked with the red rhino before.
He likes to do stuff like this.
You've worked with him?
Then why are you in line?
Let me get in front of you.
Over my dead body.
Hey, hey, line.
Listen up.
It's me, Chip Ahoy here.
You better stand in a straight line, everybody.
Oh, Chip, thank God you're here.
You might need to dress like red rhino and pretend to...
Chip?
Sorry, she's a little sleepy in here. I think I'm going to go take a little snooze. You're going to dress like Red Riding Row and pretend to... Chip? Sorry, she's a little sleepy in here.
I think I'm gonna go take a little snooze.
You're gonna leave right now? Yeah, the line's
managed and I gotta go. Get out of
here. I gotta go. Oh, he's gone
and the line immediately went unmanaged.
Back. I'm back.
I'm back from my little nap. It was a
quick nap and I'm back from it. Why are you
dressed like the bouncer?
What?
Oh, no.
Because, just kidding, I was Chip.
Oh, Chip.
And Chip A. Roy, a.k.a. Roy, the guy who lied about doing the thing where he did the thing where he... You suck!
It's been eight hours of this, Chip.
Can you go wake up Red Rhino?
This is dire.
Yeah, never met him before, but I'll go wake him up.
It has been eight hours, but still, no one is in Iron Man's line.
I'm also doing autographs.
You can get in my line if you want.
Rulie or unruly, I'll take you how you are.
I'll come to you next, Iron Man.
Man, I've never met Iron Man.
Kevi?
Was that a bit...
Was that you?
Anything ring a bell?
I don't think...
I didn't even know that event happened.
That's cool.
Well, shoot.
Are you a fan of Red Rhinos?
He's pretty cool.
Huge.
Really?
Yeah.
He saved my dog.
Aw.
And by dog, I mean Seb.
Oh.
Beef, you're up.
I was here during the big storm.
The staff started encouraging us to break stuff for tax claims.
I don't think they know how taxes work, but it was fun.
So four out of five stars.
Just the most expensive thing you can find.
Whatever is the most expensive.
We're struggling to find stuff expensive, sir.
That hurt my feelings.
Rude.
Really rude.
I mean, like, I'm picking this thing up, like, what is this?
No, no, no, not that.
Sir, that's one of our glass menageries.
Please put that down.
Put that down.
Not even funny.
This is the only thing that looks even remotely expensive.
I said expensive, not invaluable, okay?
That thing is priceless.
Sir, I don't think you understand.
We went on a road trip together, and we all bought glass menageries together, and they That thing is priceless. Sir, I don't think you understand. We went on a road trip together,
and we all bought glass menageries together,
and they mean a lot to us.
There wasn't an episode about it,
but there should have been.
It meant that much.
Yeah, it's kind of like having a zoo made out of glass.
Sir, do you even care?
Do you even care?
We're not going to share our tax break with you then.
Get your own.
It's just for us. Was that originally part of the deal? Not anymore. No, not anymore. Well our tax break with you then. Get your own. It's just for us.
Was that originally part of the deal?
Not anymore.
No, not anymore.
Well then, screw you!
And he slams the glass of menagerie on the ground and explodes.
No!
Whoa!
No!
I roll for initiative.
Yes.
I roll for initiative too.
And I roll for initiative.
And I do as well.
Oh, he rolled poorly.
It's all you guys in whatever order you want before him. I rolled a nat 20 for initiative. I rolled for initiative. And I do as well. Oh, he rolled poorly. It's all you guys in whatever order you want before him.
I rolled a nat 20 for initiative.
I rolled a 19.
Chip, destroy him.
Chalice, finish him.
I will murder this man.
Kill him, Chip.
I will be killing this man.
Smash him like you smashed our menagerie, Chip.
Smash him.
Smash him up.
Does a 17 hit?
Yeah, it definitely hits.
Okay, here we go.
I take out my axe, and there are tears in my eyes streaming down my face.
And I scream, glass menagerie!
And I slice this guy as hard as I possibly can.
Ten damage.
All right, yeah, it goes straight into his back.
Oh!
And he just starts trying to get to the exit now.
He's just trying to.
And I won't let him.
Can we turn him into glass?
Are we powerful enough to do that?
If we can get him hot enough.
Wait, Seb, say that again.
If we can get him hot enough.
Can we cut to them in a government office filling out the tax forms?
Yes.
And it's like, how many people deceased at your place of business?
We're going to need a bigger form, okay?
People die a lot.
Well, that guy did die, so...
Kevi?
Kevi?
That was not me.
Okay.
Okay.
Crazy that that guy had fun, though.
Yeah, four out of five.
Maybe that guy isn't the one that wrote the comment.
You're right.
Maybe it was a bystander.
Yeah.
Okay, all right, all right.
Everybody shut up.
Come for a quiet meal was forced to compete in a dating competition.
How was I supposed to know?
It was Bachelorette night.
Okay, Jennifer, you are standing here with your cheeses.
Please hand out the cheeses you'd like to hand
to this week's rat women and men.
Well, I'd like to start off by saying
everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight.
And this journey has been like stairs.
There's so many of you,
and I wanted to get up on you.
But there's not enough time to really explore
all the relationships I wish there was.
Can I just quit?
Can I just quit?
No!
You don't quit!
I'm the back of the rat!
Chip, you made it so far.
You made it so far.
You could win, Chip.
My heart's not in it.
There's three of you and only two cheeses.
So if everyone wants to say their final piece, and Chip, that doesn't count! I'll listen, and then I'll make my choice.
Jennifer, my rat heart has grown three sizes being in your presence.
You are the most beautiful mademoiselle, and you and I seem cut from the same cloth.
I would love to ride off into the sunset with you.
Okay. Chalice, not a great start. Super condescending. into the sunset with you. Okay.
Chalice, not a great start.
Super condescending.
Oh, f*** you.
Oh, hell yeah.
But the sentiment's nice.
Next.
Jennifer, you know, normal talk and words can't do it as well as an impromptu R&B sounding song.
Let me tell you two times.
I want you.
Let me tell you three times.
That's one time.
I'm tired of waiting in the rain
because I love you. rain because I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Little rat.
Okay.
I'm not done.
Let me tell you four times.
I need you.
Tonight.
And I'm done.
Wow.
All right.
Jennifer, what do you think so far?
And I would like to say let let's refrain from saying next,
because these are people that you are going to spend the rest of your life with.
Well, I think Chip still.
Of course, of course.
Yeah.
Here's the thing.
This might be a big reveal, but I actually have feelings for Chalice.
And I actually don't want to be here.
Very funny.
You can't just say whatever to get out of doing this, Chip.
No, no, guys, I'm serious.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah, this is really kind of rude.
Chalice, I have really strong feelings for you.
This is mean.
This is so mean to me, Chip.
Just to get out of this?
This is supposed to be for Jennifer.
This is hurting my feelings.
I'm trying to make a heartfelt confession right now.
Shut up!
I want to be with Chalice, and I don't want to be with you.
You're a stupid little rat, and I want Chalice.
I made my decision, and it's beef.
The host?
Took me 45 minutes to come up with that song.
Everybody wants a piece of beef.
Kevi, checking in?
No.
Are you even paying attention, dude?
I am.
None of these sound familiar at all.
We're reenacting these things in the attic for you.
Let me read one.
If you think I'm not
involved enough,
I'll read one.
Alright.
You're taking
Jennifer's turn now.
What?
That's the deal.
Jennifer, you can hold it up
because he keeps trying
to put his hand through it.
Oh god,
it's just paper.
The entire staff
started sword fighting
each other.
Two out of five stars.
En garde.
You have dishonored me for the last time, Beef.
En garde.
I'm going to wipe your ass.
What?
What did I mean to say?
I'm going to wipe the floor with you and kick your ass.
Can I, um, I want to do a C on Beef's forehead, like Zorro.
Oh.
With cuts?
With cuts.
Oh.
Whoa, is that too much?
What?
We killed a guy like 15 minutes ago.
I mean, sometimes Zorro does it
with like people's clothes and stuff.
No, no, no, no.
Do my forehead.
Try it.
Just try it, child.
Okay, I would like to try.
What do I have to roll for?
Roll for dexterity so that you don't cut Beef's head off.
I got thick skin.
Okay, I botched.
Okay, Beef's head pops off.
No.
You just completely whiff. Ah! Chalice, were you
trying to scar Beef forever? No.
I think that's what you were trying to do. No.
I saw you two sword fighting, so I
drew my blade, of course, but what's
going on between the two of you?
We got into a big fight.
They are still sword fighting while they're crying.
Oh, my God.
We were close together.
Why are we fighting?
Why are we even fighting?
Why are we even fighting?
Hey.
Yeah, Seth, what's up?
No, you go ahead.
I didn't have anything.
Oh, I really didn't have anything.
Chris was like, well, this seems like a liability to the bar.
I don't even know why we're part of this.
It's kind of just between them and they kind of just...
Maybe we should start talking.
This isn't about us.
Yeah.
Let's just get out of here.
Why aren't we as close as we used to be?
Ooh.
On guard!
And that's why it's always good to sword fight it out with your best friends.
Yep.
Yep.
No dice.
Kevi, do you remember even like
where it hurt when you were dying?
Was it your butt?
Was it your stomach?
Was it your chest?
Was it your neck?
Was it your head?
Was it your butt?
If you're trying to ask me
where it hurt when I fell from heaven,
I'm happily married.
Or I was.
That's definitely not what she said.
Okay, Kevi, focus up.
I got a good feeling about this.
This one's you, all right?
10 out of 10, establishment.
Oh!
Okay.
As a lowly palace-serving folk,
some of us are just tickled to have the former princess wait on us instead.
Back again next week.
Huh.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to Bottoms Up. Hi. Hi. Huh. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Bottoms Up.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Whoops.
Oh, sorry.
You dropped your napkin on the ground.
Let me just pick that up for you.
Sorry, was that my fart or your fart?
I don't know.
Probably you.
Probably.
Sorry.
So anyways, our specials of the day are a headbutt and pot of orange.
But between you and me, it's a little bit more red today.
Yeah.
I was actually wondering, could you get all four of us a foot rub?
Oh.
Yeah.
Shelly's feet are super stinky and need to be rubbed.
They are so stinky.
And they need to be rubbed to get rid of the stink.
Oh, I normally don't do stuff like that.
But you guys seem pretty fun. We'll pay get rid of the stink. Oh, I normally don't do stuff like that, but you guys seem pretty fun.
We'll pay you like a copper piece.
Oh, really?
Seb, look, I'm doing something for money.
Not now.
I'm head-buddying a child.
Okay, sorry.
So, yeah, like, what's it like, like, working here?
I mean, I love working with my friends.
They're my best friends in the whole world.
Are you guys best friends? No. Yes. Oh, cool. That is how best friends talk. I love it. Totally.
You guys seem so cool. Do you guys want to like maybe go get like martinis later? Princess
Chalice, do you not recognize us? Oh my God. She doesn't recognize us. You don't recognize us? Oh
my God. So you know me, Princess Chalice. Yeah, we recognize you, Princess Chalice.
We used to work on your stinky feet.
In fact, we-
Oh my God, you're the woodland creatures that worked for me.
You would come to me when I sang.
We're people.
Stop saying that.
We're human.
We were never woodland creatures.
Okay, wait.
You always called us that.
I would go, ah, ah.
Yeah, and then we would have to run.
I was changing my kid's
diaper when you did that, and I had to
leave my kid on the counter to get
to your ass. They almost rolled off.
That's not my fault. I'm
sorry. It's not your fault. You sang the song.
Okay, I don't want to rub your stinky feet.
You rub my feet, idiot. I show
two coppers in her face. I'm lifting two
coppers, and I'm showing her two coppers. She's reaching for
them. Come on. I'm rubbing her coppers and I'm showing her two coppers. She's reaching for them. Come on!
I'm rubbing her feet.
Chalice has scooched
over to the corner
and she's sort of
just like picking at
something on the ground.
Hey.
She's fine.
Hey, Chalice.
They suck.
Yeah.
You know, they're just...
Wait, we already had
this conversation
after it happened.
Do we have to go
through this again?
Yeah, you guys
were pretty comforting then.
And honestly,
giving that memory to Kevi,
it made me realize that I kind of deserved that.
I was really terrible to them.
Dang.
I wonder how that person's baby is.
Probably fine.
Yeah.
Yeah, probably fine.
Let's say fine.
All right.
Chip, how about you read one?
Let's change the subject.
Okay, I got one.
Your druid dishonored my order.
No stars. Get wreck Okay, I got one. Your druid dishonored my order. No stars.
Get wrecked, barmaids.
And then a glyph of warding charged with animate objects was on this comment.
And the comment box looks agitated.
Whoa.
What?
Can I like go over to the comment box and see what's going on?
Yeah.
Do you want to investigate it?
Yeah.
Dirty 20.
You get up close and you recognize that this thing is hostile before you get too close
as it goes to lash out and attack you.
Oh my gosh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, calm down.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
What is this thing?
Chip looks down at the thing that he just read and he tries to analyze like what the
glyphs were maybe.
So when you look at it, you do know that it's like basically a trap was laid
and it animated this object,
which is the comment box to attack you.
Hey, thank you so much for going in.
I have nothing but respect for you,
the clientele coming in here.
Here is your order.
It's a pot of orange
and I'm speaking directly to it and not to you.
Go f*** yourself, you little bull.
Oh, what did my. Oh. What the?
What did my bull do to deserve that?
Margaret, what is this man talking about? He's yelling at my bull, my beautiful little bull.
He's dishonoring your order.
Maybe check your inside pocket.
Okay.
Silly, but do it.
Okay, I put my hand into my inside.
Ow, something bit me.
It's our rat.
They cook that orange. Go f*** yourself, bull. Whoa. She ordered this inside. Ow, something bit me. It's our rat. They cook that orange.
Go f*** yourself, bowl.
She ordered this special.
And she headbutts.
Ow.
Wow.
I would have cursed you too.
I gotta admit.
That was pretty mean, Seb.
Hey, me three.
Chip tries to take the gentle approach,
and he approaches the comment box nicely
and maybe uses some sort of animal handling check to calm it down.
Oh, yeah.
Give me an animal handling check.
Wow.
Hey, buddy.
Hey there, Mr. Box.
A four.
Hey.
It snaps at you and spits a bunch more comments on the floor.
Oh.
Okay, guys.
This might be a stretch, but I'm starting to maybe think
that Kevi's comment isn't even in the box.
Maybe Kevi has to write a new comment
and put it in the box.
And as we're calmly talking,
the comment box is biting Chip's ass.
Can we take care of this first
before we do the full Kevi stuff?
Well, I thought maybe if we fed the box the comment...
Oh, feed it a new comment.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Okay, well, someone write it down for me.
I can't hold a pen.
Yeah, Chip is calmly writing down on the card while the comment box is still biting his ass.
Yeah, what's up?
What's going on?
What's the feedback?
Be truthful.
We can take it.
The feedback I have is everyone's cool.
I just wish they asked me more
personal questions.
Personal questions. Okay.
Dang, that really hurt my
feelings more than I thought it would.
Chip shoves the comment into the mouth
of the box.
It snaps it up.
It smacks its comment box
lips that are the top and the bottom of it.
And it looks appeased for the moment.
Oh, hey.
Good comment box.
Who's a good comment box?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, well, we got to speed through these next few
before this guy gets angry again.
Yeah.
All right, B picks up another one.
The service was good, but there was a lot of sexual tension
between all four members of the staff.
Four out of five stars.
En garde.
That was sexy. That was sexy. That was sexy.
The little
one taught me to
read. They all kind of turn and look
at me.
He helped me
for one whole hour.
I am very happy because now I can finally be a doctor for out of Fivster's Grunk D'Orc.
Oh, that's nice.
They put their name on.
You really don't have to do that.
Oh, so this was not Kevin.
Not Kevin.
I remember this guy.
Hey, Pete, thank you so much for helping me out.
I really want to write this love letter, and I just, I don't know how to read.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
We got this.
All right.
So you got your paper?
Mm-hmm.
And your pen?
Mm-hmm.
All right.
What's the beautiful love's name? Maureen. All right. What's the beautiful love's name?
Maureen.
All right.
Maureen.
Yes?
Sorry, did someone say my name?
Beef, play it cool, play it cool, play it cool.
Gronk, is that you?
Oh, hey.
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you since thumping classes.
Yeah, I haven't seen you since thumping classes.
Wow, you've gotten bigger.
Oh, thanks for noticing. Wow, you've gotten bigger. Oh.
Thanks for noticing. Excuse me, Mr. Beef. I'm all done
with my letters.
Do these look good? Perfect. Oh, sorry.
Maureen, I can't really
hang out right now. You know
how to read? Oh, big
time. Wow. Yeah, if you sit
here with me and there's a banner
that says Beef's Tutoring Night up on the stage.
But tutoring spelled like toot, that comes out of your butt.
Absolutely.
Well, if you all could sit here, we could all learn to read and fall in love.
Nah.
Fall in love?
We could all learn to read and fall in love.
I mean, that school is the reason why we're invited to 20 weddings this summer.
Totally.
I was that guy's best man in his wedding.
Did you guys go to Gronk's baby shower?
That was adorable.
Yes.
So sweet.
So sweet.
Man, it's getting pretty late.
Yeah, I'm starting to feel a little tuckered out.
Maybe a couple more.
Just check back in the morning.
Oh, yeah.
A couple more.
Yes, let's see here.
This one just says,
perfect, no notes, 15 out of 10.
Whoa!
Wow.
Hey, welcome into Bottoms Up.
You looking for a table?
Oh, yes, I am.
All right, and how many are in your party?
Oh, it's just me.
Even better.
All right, I love a little solo time.
One menu, right this way. Hey, do you like this table? It's right by a window. You All right. I love a little solo time. One menu right this way.
Hey, do you like this table?
It's right by a window.
You can see a bird outside.
It's great.
Oh, yes.
It's lovely.
Thank you.
And I just have, I'm so sorry about this.
One more question for you.
Do you want your water sparkling or still?
Oh, I didn't even know there was enough sparkling, I guess.
Okay, that's a little bit harder.
I'm probably going to be a little bit longer away, but just trust me, I'm coming back. All right? Your waiter will be here in just a
second. Thank you so much. Hi, I'm Chalice. I will be taking care of you today while Seb goes and
makes you some sparkling water. It sounds like it's a lot of trouble. He doesn't need to go
through that then. No, we love it. You can just hear a power drill. We actually are really happy
to do whatever you need. Sorry, someone just came in and ordered a bunch of stuff
and then left before it came out.
Do you want a bunch of this food for free?
It might not be what you wanted to order.
We'll get you whatever you want, but if you want this for free.
Well, I'm not too picky, but what is it?
It's a bunch of like really hot buttered rolls that are steaming.
We ran out of pot of orange,
so Jennifer is really fighting for her life back there.
Incredible ribs.
Beef tartare. Great.
Okay, I'm just going to put this down.
I'm going to be right back with a glass of champagne for you.
I'll be just one second.
Alright. Hey, Bungo, that was actually
way easier than I thought. Here's your sparkling
water. Thank you. Hi, my name's
Beef. I'm just going
around passing out little slips to see
if you'd like to attend the speed dating tonight. Oh, I'm kind of fresh out of a relationship. I
shouldn't even say fresh. It's been two years, John. Yes, that sounds great. Okay, but hey,
don't pressure yourself if you don't want to, okay, buddy? But we'd love to have you.
Wink.
Love you.
If you want me to.
All right, bye.
Oh, okay.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm so sorry, sir.
The man behind you was trying to murder you.
Let me just...
Sorry, just...
Yes.
Just going to quickly toss him out.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, get him out of here, Chip.
We are so sorry, sir. And I almost got him. Yeah, get him out of here, Chip. We are so sorry.
And I almost got him.
Yeah, you were really close.
Really close.
Get out.
Get out.
Hey, John, is it?
Yeah.
I just want to say I'm sorry it even got that close.
I promise it will never happen again.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
Free bottle of champagne on the house, and we'll have Chip guarding you the rest of the night, and he'll walk you home.
Absolutely.
Absolutely. Hi, John.
I think I fell in love with you.
I'm so sorry.
Can I sit across from you and just listen to your woes?
Of course, yeah.
Hey, John, we all put our hands on his shoulder.
You're safe here.
You're safe here, John.
You're safe here.
I don't remember that at all.
Must have been blackout drunk or something.
Oh, yeah, we were blackout drunk.
That's when we got blackout drunk.
Oh, right. Okay, yeah.
We made a lot of money that night, though.
Even though we were giving stuff away for free.
Can someone pick one for me
to read? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How about this one?
This one looks like a good one. Jennifer, you want to
hold it up for him? No problem,
dude. What is that?
Alright, let's see
this one. And then his
eyes get huge. And
it looks like mentally he's
transported somewhere. Maybe
even remembering something.
And you see, from
his perspective, he's
going into Bottoms Up bathroom.
Pulls his pants down.
And he does his business.
Okay.
So far, so good.
And when he's done, he goes to grab for the toilet paper.
Uh-oh.
But there is no toilet paper for his bum.
And then there's just a little piece left.
And he didn't have such a good day.
In fact, he didn't have such a good month And he didn't have such a good day. In fact, he didn't have such a good month.
He didn't have such a good year.
And this was the last straw.
He saw that little piece of paper mocking him.
And his heart broke.
Not metaphorically, but physically.
Oh.
His heart exploded in his chest cavity.
What?
What?
And he died then and there in a bottoms-up bathroom.
From a lack of toilet paper.
We sit in the most awkward silence for maybe three minutes.
They all cross their legs awkwardly.
Like, they just, like, don't know what to do.
Hmm.
Oof.
So we just gotta replace the toilet paper?
That's it?
Hey, we're so sorry that Beef forgot to refill the toilet paper.
Yeah, that's me.
I'm in charge of that.
Hey, guys, if I'm being honest, I don't blame you.
It's just it was the last straw.
Chalice runs to their supply closet, and there's no toilet paper.
And she goes, ugh. And then she runs outside, runs down the street,'s no toilet paper, and she goes, ugh.
And then she runs outside, runs down the street, goes to Gus Chiggin's shop, Oh Things,
and waits in line for like 10 minutes, buys the toilet paper.
One single roll.
The whole time, the rest of the gang are like,
She should be back any second.
She'll be back.
It's probably the rain.
She runs up the steps, and she hands him wet toilet paper because she was out in the rain.
Ta-da.
Business finished.
She hands it to him and he looks so happy and then it falls right through his hands because he can't hold anything.
Don't tell us we have to wipe his ass.
Don't say that.
I mean.
He doesn't even have a butt.
His bottom half is just floaty stuff. That's right. Okay, we have to wipe his ass. Don't say that. I mean. He doesn't even have a butt. His bottom half is just floaty stuff.
That's right.
Okay, we have to roll for it.
Whoever rolls the lowest has to do it.
No.
Yes.
No one rolls.
He doesn't have a butt.
I can do it.
Beef.
Beef.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
I've babysat enough times.
I know what I'm doing.
And I'm not afraid.
But, Beef, you've never, ever wiped a ghost butt. I know what I'm doing, and I'm not afraid. But, Beef, you've never, ever wiped a ghost's butt.
I know.
It'll be my biggest achievement.
All right?
Turn around.
Touch your toes.
Yes, sir.
Don't make it.
Don't.
No.
No.
Nope.
Sorry.
You ruined it.
You gotta remain on this plane for forever.
You ruined it.
I ruined it?
Yeah, you said, yes, sir. It was weird. Come on this plane for forever. You ruined it. I ruined it? Yeah, you said.
Yes, sir.
It was weird.
Come on!
It's just a one-click!
Sir.
Wait!
Chalice goes over to the Luigi board.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
And she moves the pieces around,
and you can see her ask for something,
and she tries to get Chalice back to bully this ghost.
You hear lightning.
And it's such a big lightning that you hear.
And ghost Chalice is now in the room.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm back.
Oh, wait.
I'm just Chalice's reflection.
Chalice.
See, this is what I'm saying.
No, you guys, there's no mirror in here.
What are you even talking about?
Yeah, there's no mirror in here.
What are you even talking about?
See, we're the same thing.
Wait, do you want me to bully someone else?
Why am I here?
Explain how this is going to wipe my ass.
Oh, um, hi.
My name's Chalice.
I've been dead for like 500 years.
Who are you?
Oh, my God.
You're beautiful.
You're more beautiful than anybody in this room.
Huh.
You wouldn't happen to have ghost toilet paper on you, would you?
Do I?
And she pulls out a roll of ghost toilet paper.
I never go anywhere without it.
Oh.
Toilet paper that's died.
Okay. If you'll excuse me, I gotta wipe my ass.
Go!
Yeah, then go!
All right. Ghost butt wipe!
He wipes his butt and he disappears. Poof! Go. All right. Ghost butt wipe.
He wipes his butt and he disappears.
Poof.
Interesting.
But Ghost Chalice is still in the room.
Oh, no. Oh, God.
Is she going to have to bully one of us for three years again?
I love this attic space.
I think I'll stay for three years.
No.
God.
Oh, no.
What's today's date?
Halloween in 2023.
I will be here until
2026, and that is canon.
No!
That's so funny.
That canonically chipped it, confesses
feelings.
No one believed it.
But nobody believed it. That happened right after the Narroway Guild episode.
That's when this fell.
Such a long time ago.
And it really hurt his feelings,
so he never did it again.
Oh my God.
Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews,
Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe,
Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.
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