SitcomD&D - S4 E13: Seb vs. Seb (w/ Jordan Lee Cohen)

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

In a continued effort to find a way around the curse, the gang heads to Seb’s childhood home. But they’re very surprised to learn that Seb’s family believes he’s never left.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsGuest Starring: Jordan Lee CohenTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Ben Briggs & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And then, Jordan, you were doing an improvised Survivor out here, weren't you? I was. I did a full season of Survivor that was improvised. I gotta say, as someone that went and saw it, Jordan wasn't Jordan anymore when she was on that stage. When she was in it. I was. I was too in it.

Fully inside of it. And when she got voted out, the most guttural, primal scream came. I actually saw that on Instagram. I was like, oh, that hurt my heart. Her bowels from below you below you, came out. It was beautiful. I was in such pain. Jordan, do you have the video of that?

Because our sound engineer can add that scream right here. I will send it along. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up in transit. The gang is on the move. By on the move, I mean they are on the chip. And by on the chip, I mean Chip's put his ass in gear. And he is moving towards Seb's childhood home. And so the gang is on their way to try to actually reconnect with Seb's family.

That's what we're after today. Why don't you get quiet on set and get that sound speeding because we're rolling! Guys! Ah! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup

find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes

But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Oh, man.

I smell like a frickin' Sharpie. Do you guys smell that? Are you nervous, Seb? You seem a little nervous. I'm not nervous. I'm not nervous. I just smell like a Sharpie. What's up with that?

You've been smelling your armpits this entire trip. Are you okay? I just asked you what your mom was like, Sharpie? Like, what's up with that? You've been smelling your armpits this entire trip. Are you okay? I just asked you what your mom was like, and you just started freaking out. She's so nice, kind of, and I just need to know. Why do I smell like a Sharpie? Why are you yelling at me? You are smelling a Sharpie. It doesn't smell like Sharpie.

You're smelling a Sharpie. It can't be like Sharpie, you're smelling a Sharpie. It can't be good for you. Give me that. Hey, beef. Beef. Beef. What? What? Hot. Okay. Seb's mom's hot. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, boy, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ooh, really? Honky, honk, wow, wow, wow. Ooh, la, la. Put those honks back in your pants, all of you. You especially, Chalice. I expected them. You're the worst. Don't underestimate me.

Don't underestimate me. You know what, Seb? I'm starting to think that this is the reason why we haven't been back to your house. I feel like you are a little on edge, and now I'm getting why we've never been here before. I was there like two weeks ago, just like you hang out with my family. Chip, don't lie. Chip. It's pathetic when you do shit like this.

Don't lie. Chip, that's not good. No, no. No, I do like laundry, and I work out there. Yeah. Dude, you haven't even left the floor of Bottoms Up when we got back from the family reunion. You just laid there on the ground and said, I'm giving up. I'm give up. I'm giving up. I'm give up.

I'm give up. I'm give up. Take me now. Just kill me now. You couldn't even conjugate the verb. You're right. Maybe we should just head back. Our chip is stalling out. Come on. Never mind. Never mind. Let's keep

going. Everybody actually give me a perception check. Okay, never mind, never mind. Let's keep going. Everybody actually give me a, everybody give me a perception check. Okay, seven. Oh, I got an at 20. Oh, must be nice. 14. Seb, you recognize your house. Y'all are standing in front of it.

Beef with a natural 20. And Chip also with a natural 20. Chip, what you realize is that it looks like, you can see with a natural 20, that they're actually having a family dinner inside. There's some warm light coming from inside the house. And it looks like the table is set and it looks delicious. Beef, what you also recognize with a natural 20

is that everything looks pretty familiar to you but even more so it hits you like a train that oh this is the exact same street y'all were on for chip's family her neighbors i'm his childhood bully yeah oh yeah oh i completely Childhood bullies. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. I completely forgot about that. Oh, my God. Why didn't we just come here then? We were busy that day. It was focused on me. Yeah.

Wait, was your family at the block party? Yeah, but I just didn't want to make a whole thing out of it. Like, I kind of had an aside and like. Oh, my God. There's Debbie Handbag. Debbie. You stay away. You stay away! You stay away from my kids!

Love you, Debbie! Classic Debbie. Yeah, classic Debbie. Hey, Debbie, you eat shit! Guys, we forgot to bring anything. They're having a party in there. Can Chalice look around to see if there's any flowers she can pick to bring in as a gift to Seb's family? Yeah.

Give me a perception check. Ooh, 19 plus 4. Ooh, 23. You see some beautiful flowers that are in the perfect bloom right now, actually just along the outside of Seb's family's home. I'm going to pick them, and I'm going to bring them inside. I think they're going to notice that those are their flowers. Oh, s***. Before we knock, I just got to say this.

My family thinks so very, very little of me. And so it is painful to be here. Whoa. Anyways, does somebody want to knock knock? This is why I This is way less fun And so Beef has knocked on the door And once Beef says that You see Beef's kind of

Knocking fist resting just outside where the door was Because it has opened up And Seb's mom Is standing in the doorway Holy Oh has opened up and Seb's mom is standing on the doorway. Holy. Oh, God. Okay. How is that?

How is that? I told you. Wow. I told you. Did I tell you? What was that? Did I tell you? I can't hear anything over like the chili pepper steam coming out of your guys' ears.

Stop it. And madame, what is your beautiful name? I'm Beef. Hello, I'm Loompa. Loompa Von Hugh Grant. Wow. Loompa Von Hugh Grant. Hey, mommy. Seb, how did you What the heck are you doing out there?

How'd you get out there? What do you mean? I live out here. I go to a place that's out here. Okay, Chip's here, too. You got Chip here? Are these all other friends I don't know about? Miss Loompa, it is a pleasure to meet you.

Beef takes her hand and kisses each fingertip. This is taking a while. Is that meatloaf I smell? Chalice shoves Beef out of the way and goes, and Miss Loompa, and then she does the exact same thing and kisses all of her fingers. I am Chalice Glass, former princess. It is absolutely divine to meet you.

Can I just thank you so much for making the best guy in the world? I love your son. He's great. Great job. Aren't you the sweetest? And are those flowers? Oh, those are my flowers. Maybe.

Oh, maybe. Maybe they're different. Okay, come on in. Come on in. We're actually just about to get supper started. I don't know if we made enough for everybody. I'm sure I could. I'm sure we can.

I made plenty. Come on in. Come on in. Beef's already taking his shoes off. He's already moving a chair over to the table and crawling up it. All right, what are we eating? Rubbing his hands together. And what you guys see at the table is that as Loompa, Von Hugh Grant, Seb's mom, pulls

up some other, like a stool and another chair. And you see that there are other folks sitting at the table. And that would be Seb's dad,pa von hugh grant okay humpa and lupa uh mom and dad for short and then uh what you would assume to be seb's sister kind of the uh female version of seb and y'all uh find your seats around the table there and food just starts getting piled up on your plate from Seb's mom. And wait a sec, Seb, when did you change? I mean, you know, I grow up. I got these little crow's feet going. But that's you know, that's just time.

Time does that, you know, and I don't wear sunscreen. So like that's a problem. You are being so strange. You're being so strange. You're being so funny. I don't know. Is he putting one over on me with his new friends? It doesn't matter. He's always strange, right?

He has a mouth full of ham. Yeah, he's one of the funnier guys at the bottoms up. He's funny. He's a funny guy. Chip is sitting in his chair backwards, and he's got his backwards hat. He's kind of reverting back into bully mode now that he's with. He's a funny guy. Chip is sitting in his chair backwards and he's got his backwards hat. He's kind of like reverting back into bully mode now that he's with back at Seb's childhood home.

This little guy right here gives him a noogie. This little guy's always kind of strange and he's looking for a toilet to shove his head in. Ow! Ow! Ow! And as that's happening, somebody else enters the room. Why doesn't everyone give me a perception check? 19. Me too.

6. 21. When everyone turns and looks over, they see that Seb has entered the room. Hey, guys. Oh, f***. Someone who's identical to Seb in every conceivable way is now standing in the doorway holding a bunch of board games. Ah! Oh, my god!

The show! Yeah, okay. Okay. It's me, but hotter. Ham falls out of beef's mouth. Huh? All right. What is... Now, I know y'all are pranking me somehow.

What is... Seb, what's going on? Sorry, who are you? I'm Seb. I'm Seb. Okay, joke's over, y'all. Okay, jokes over, y'all. Jokes over, y'all. Mom, I would never joke with you like this.

Mommy, I would never joke with you like this. What the hell? Mommy, trust me. I'd never mess with you like this. Okay, Angel, then tell me what's going on because I know that you went to go grab the board games, but then the door got knocked and I went and you were out there in different clothes. reaches into seb's pocket and pulls out the sharpie and immediately draws an x on his

forehead amazing i know what's coming i know what's coming i just feel like this is a smart move okay the tide the tide is turning in a very specific kind of way, and that was brilliant. Chip, why did you draw an X on that other person's forehead? Wait, what? No, it was on your forehead. Oh, no. Wait, but I thought it was on your forehead.

Okay, Seb, you don't need to make this more confusing. Hold on. Do we have the real Seb, or is this other Seb the real Seb? I'm not just going to be loyal to the Seb I walked into, right? And is there a second course to this first course? Everybody stop! And the dad stands up, Humpa. Okay.

Clearly, there is an imposter among us. That is our Seb. That is the one who went and knew where the board games were and has returned as promised just a few minutes later. I do not know half the individuals. Chip, you being here is a curveball.

I recognize you. That is a curveball, I'll be honest. What's up, Hugh? How we doing? I'm afraid, afraid chip you might be standing next to an imposter my friend no you're right daddy and i'm honestly feeling scared oh cupcake come here seb come here cupcake okay i'm gonna get on your knee i'm crawling up no you you stay but i don't know what kind of demon you are. Okay, I'm crawling up into your lap and getting nuzzled and very comfy.

Yes, you're safe. Okay, now here's the thing. I think we need y'all to leave. I'm sorry. Chip, I know you, honey, but if you're going to demand that you stay with this, what seems to be a Seb imposter, I don't know. We're going to have to ask you to leave. No, I'm on your side.

I want the real Seb, okay? I don't care which one I came with. I'm looking for the real Seb. That's all I care about at this point. But I have the X on my head. I'm now starting to realize that maybe there's a reason why we haven't been as close lately. Maybe you haven't been the real Seb for a long time. What are you? No, no. It's just because there's seasons in any friendship or relationship. I shared my dreams with you. Are you an imposter? Someone pass the butter, please. I'm your friend. And I'm your friend, too, actually. Enough. And Seb's sister stands at the table. Bess, we need to handle this analytically. stands at the table. Bess, we need to handle this analytically, okay? There's a very simple way to figure this out. Mama, Papa, we were already going to play a board game. I think we just figured out

which game we're going to play. It's a game in which these sebs are going to answer some questions and we will figure out very quickly who is the real Seb and who is the imposter. Are you both ready to play? Yes. I hope it's medieval history. Nerd. There's one tally against that, Seb. What the? Our real Seb doesn't like that historical BS nerdery at all. That doesn't make it, you don't even know me. I'm gonna ask some questions that only the real Seb would know. When you are ready to answer, make the sound of

a buzzer. A buzzard. A buzzard. A buzzard sound. A big bird sound. Got it. And then you can answer the question. Thank you so much. Of course, Seb. This Seb is really polite. Yeah, it's really freaking me out, Chalice.

So much nicer than the one we came with. Thank you very much. I appreciate the rules. As the real Seb's mother, I have a question. What is Seb's favorite thing to do before bed? Get

out! Okay, I have to say, the Seb with Favorite thing to do before bed Okay, I have to say the new the the the set with the hex XF on his head did make a sound first That's easy. I like to I like to put a bunch of Terry cloth on my body I get it all soaking wet and then I slide across the floor and I call that cleaning wrong it all soaking wet and then I slide across the floor and I call that cleaning. Wrong. Incorrect. And it sounded like you were lying the whole time if I'm being honest.

The real answer is I like to get a bunch of warm cups of water and put both my hands and my feet in it so I can pee the bed so I don't have to get up to pee from bed. That's correct. Whoa. That's correct. Whoa. That's so much like Seb. That's so much like Seb. And I think that's kind of the game, huh? I'm real Seb, and I've been real Seb the whole time. What was that?

It's already over, and you've already won? I think so. That's what it feels like. Yeah. Yeah. Please. Do you agree? Yeah. I feel a little satiiated i feel like yeah i mean best

whatever best says she kind of is running this whole thing yeah well i would say just to be safe mother i'm leaning the same way that you are but just to be safe i think maybe we all at least ask one question at least from okay oh we all get to. Okay. Oh, not us? Chip, maybe you can. You know the real Seb. Yes. I don't know how far back this imposter goes. Okay, I've got a question. As your sister,

what do we fight about the most? Caw-caw! Yes, real Seb. Real Seb. I heard you first. No, don't say that. Thank you. It's real Seb versus Seb X. You're Seb X, honey. Okay, so. Those are just the names.

Those are just how we're designating the teams for now. Okay, sis. What we fight about most is literally bathroom time. One bathroom, two crazy siblings. I mean, come on. We're pussing and shoving. One sink. Get real. I got to fill my glasses and go to bed okay you sent me in a crate to a jungle on the yucatan that's that's what we

fight about and that was not cool i was four and a half okay someone's done their homework i'll give you that seb x that did happen um but i mean now, what we fight about the most. Yes. Yes, bro. Bathroom time. Okay. Another tally for real Seb. Beef's eating everyone's portions.

I've already taken a couple of other people's plates. Unless anyone else has a question, I guess I could go. I am still not ready. Get back to me. Classic Chip. No, that's Classic Chip. I was thinking it, but it has nothing to do with you saying it. Just because you were thinking it because you've been working on being me all this time.

Why would I want to be you? I don't even like being me. Oh, my God. Wait, that sounded like Seb. That sounded like Seb. Can we give one point to Seb X? Well, wait, I hate myself, too. No, I just said that.

Now you're copying me. Now you know you're copying me. Wait, I feel like this is a setup to a joke. How do you hate yourself, real Seb? Well, I hate everything about myself. I hate my big old hands and my big beard. I hate my body and I hate my mind.

F***, f***, f***. No, I was gonna answer. I was gonna say that. I was going to say that. And I did. And I did. That's our Seb. Yeah. Come here, guys. They do a big group hug. I put my arms around them. Yeah. I'm just trying to read the room.

Chels, we came with this one. I don't care. I love Seb. I want the real one. Is there dessert in the fridge? Oh, yeah. Help yourself. Help yourself. I like this one. He's got an appetite like Humpa. I'll grab

you a slice, Humpa, while I'm in there. How about? Ha-hoo! And beef goes into the kitchen. All right. Well, I kind of feel like my mind's almost made up. Does anyone have any questions? I have a question.

Shoot. When we were in high school and beforehand, I, of course, was your childhood bully. But since then, I've noticed the status shift and for some reason you seem to have the upper hand in most scenarios yes can you please explain why hmm yeah no very good question oh ah yeah sub x i think we started out as nemesis, and you strapped me up on a scarecrow pole in a field, and I became very dehydrated.

We've been there. We've talked about that. We've gotten through that. But as any relationship goes, status and all those things kind of change. And I don't think that you're less than me, and I think that we kind of are on an equal footing. We share a bedroom. I think you got it wrong, and maybe this is something that you're kind of change. And I don't think that you're less than me. And I think that we kind of are on an equal, we share a bedroom.

I think you got it wrong. And maybe this is something that you're kind of internalizing, but I see you as my equal. And I think that it took a long time for us to get here. And I'm really proud of where we're at. Does that seem true? Caw, caw, caw, caw. I guess we got to see what the other Seb says.

Yeah, real Seb, what do you got? Well, I was just going to say, I'm really proud of where we're at. I really feel like, you know, we had this experience where, you know, I'm up there. I'm a scarecrow in a damn field. And I'm feeling insane. And I feel like we've really worked through that. We've talked through that. I mean, we sleep.

I don't know. We sleep in the same room. Real Seb is just saying what I said, but better. Okay, now I'm crying. That was beautiful. That was really nice. Chalice Cry. And that's the point of my book. Anybody that makes Chalice Cry, that's pretty good, right? Yeah.

Enough. Everyone calm down. The game is over. Aw, I didn't get to ask my question. Beef's coming in with all of his desserts. Beef, yeah. Go ahead. We're still, floor's still open. All right.

Um, 14 years ago on November 8th. Eighth. I knew. Okay. What were you doing with me? On November 8th, you said? Yeah. How many years ago again? One more time. 14 years ago. Eighth. Okay. What were you doing with me? On November 8th, you said? Yeah.

How many years ago again? One more time? 14 years ago. November 8th. Beef, I don't think we've known you 14 years. Don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. Sorry.

Sorry. Spoiler. I didn't know you. Okay. That was Seb X's answer. Real Seb. I didn't know you then. That's all I was going to say.

But I didn't get the opportunity because Seb X kind of squawked his way in. That's the rule. What we're supposed to do. But honestly, Beef, I wish I had known you then because I really love you. I've grown to love you as a brother and as a dear friend. I think you're such a great guy. I look up to you actually in a lot of ways, just in the way that you could tank food like my daddy.

And so I just, my answer is ultimately, I didn't know you then, but hell, I wish I did. Oh my God. Yeah, I was drowning in a lake and no one was helping me. Oh my God. I'm crying again i'm crying seb real seb you've never said anything so sweet and open to me like that before i i've been begging every time when you tuck me in at night i'm begging you to say something like that i know sorry it took me so long okay Okay, I'm not quite fully convinced. Lightning round.

Okay, lightning round. If you have questions, shout it out. One word answers only. Sorry if I'm making rules. No, I like that. Go ahead, lightning round. Chalice is going to excuse herself to the bathroom. What the heck's going on there?

Irritable bowel syndrome. She poops often. No, I don't. I was going to say IPS. Irritable piss. Irritable piss syndrome. Oh, fuck, that's I was going to say IPS. Irritable piss. Irritable piss syndrome. Oh, fuck. That's so much better, and that's actually part of it.

What's Seb's favorite color? Hues of gray. I was going to say gray or a different hue. That's what I meant. He just keeps beating me. He's a little bit faster than I am, but that doesn't mean, it just means he's done his research, everybody. What's the real Seb's catchphrase?

That's no hubba-bubba. Gum. I will say the one that we hear around the house hasn't been said. Oh, yes. The one that I've been saying around the house is, who's hungry for more? Oh, my God. Me, me, me.

That is so good. Beef loves that one. And honestly, it could be anything. Who's hungry for more food? Who's hungry for more conversation, friendship? Oh. You know? I was just thinking food,

but there's so many different elements you could put in there. That's right. Wait, I just came up with a new one. Who's thirsty for more me? Oh God. Wait, let's talk. I would love to check in with what chalice has got going on um chalice in the bathroom has a disguised self to make herself

look like seb she thinks that that will help her get to the bottom of who the real Seb is. Okay. So do you walk back into the room, I assume? Yes. Okay. So Chalice, now as Seb, enters the dining room. Hey, family. Sorry I'm late. I ran into Chalice on the way in here. What the fuck is happening?

Chip runs over into Seb's pocket and grabs the Sharpie out and puts a Y on this new Seb's head. W-H-Y though. Yeah, W-H-Y question mark. What is with Y, Seb? Y, Seb, explain yourself. I'm the real Seb. Actually, holy crap. Can I have a sidebar with the other fake Sebs over here for a second?

I'm not a fake Seb, but I'm still going over because I want to see what this is about. Seb, Seb. Hey, fellas. Hey. Hello. Who's the real one? Me. Me. Hmm. Hmm. Who's the real one? Me. Me.

Hmm. Hmm. This did not help. Chalice. Did it help? Can I roll for something to see who's lying? Okay. So I'm going to have three rolls happen for what you just asked for, Chalice.

So give me an insight check for Chalice. So give me an insight check for Chalice. Seb X, give me a persuasion check. And then the real Seb, a.k.a. Jordan, playing Seb, give me a deception check. I have a 15. I rolled a 22, Deception. Ooh! Holy moly. I'm starting to think that Jordan's been playing Seb

this whole time. I'm sort of starting to get memories of Jordan being here. What do I do on Wednesdays if not this? This is Aaron's getting confused now? Where have I been? Oh no, Aaron's getting confused. Aaron's getting confused. What did Seb X roll, Ben? Just say Seb, okay? It's just Seb. Aaron's getting confused. What did Seb X roll, Ben? Just say Seb, okay?

It's just Seb. I'm just Seb. I'm just Seb now. No. 17. So, Chalice, Seb X seems pretty convincing that they're saying that they're real. When you look into Seb X's eyes, you're like, yeah, this is who I came with.

That just makes sense. And then the real Seb, a.k.a. Jordan, when you hear them say that they're the real Seb, you're also like, shit, that is Seb. That's the real Seb. At this point, you just think they're both real. From the back, you see two more Sebs come out. No. No.

Whoa. you see two more sebs come out no one has ganache all over his mouth uh chalice writes how on the beef um head and then uh when on the chip yeah when they come back to the table we're already at the table eating. And one's got when and one's got how on them. Okay. I am dead and I am in hell. What is happening right now? I want to say right off the gate, I'm not the real Seb. Just thought it'd be fun. Just thought this would kind of be fun.

I'm the real Seb. He is. He is. Yeah, he is. I'm the real Seb. And Jennifer's is. He is. He is. Yeah, he is. I'm the real Seb. And Jennifer's doing the thing where she's using her fingers to make it look like she's got glasses. Just want to be included.

Bess just pounds the table and stands up again. I have a really big case tomorrow, okay? How big? It's huge because it's our sister, Dianamo. How's she doing, by the way? She's doing okay. Oh, good. Yeah, good.

You know, killing the war crime game. Just absolutely. Yeah, she called me the other day and she was on a chopper or something. Barely. The connection was really bad, but she's like in the middle of war right now. Yeah. Classic Diana Moe. Yeah, classic.

Once again, not Seb here. Just look like Seb. Okay, you know what? This has been fun, everybody. This has been fun. But the game's over, okay? I've got to get a good night's sleep. So please, everybody who's got anything on their head,

just get out okay just get out it was very clear from the get-go as someone who's just being analytical about this who the real seb and my brother is so everybody else this has been fun it's been a hoot chip nice to see you but please get out oh thank you all right i'll see y'all. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. I know that we came with this, Seb, but I really want to leave with the real Seb. It's me. I don't know.

You could have switched. I really feel like we need to get to the bottom of this, and maybe I complicated it a little bit. Once again, not the real Seb. Chip here, a.k.a. Roy. Okay, but I just want to get to the bottom of who the real Seb is oh my god it's just occurring to me this is why Bottoms Up has like no money this is why all the bad stuff has been happening to us that's what I'm saying exactly exactly that's why like the whole Chucky Busters

thing happened that's why we lost all the money that's why I'm not as close with the real Seb anymore like this might be an imposter that we've been with for the past four and a half seasons. Beef kind of scooches his chair away from Seb X. No. I don't know. No, I'm just bad with business, all right? I'm in over my head constantly, all right? Well, as long as we're all on the same page, then y'all can stay for dessert.

But Seb X, show yourself out. Well, I've been eating dessert like 10 minutes ago. Thank you, Daddy. No, but Daddy. Seb X, if it's really you, we'll figure it out later. But I think for now, you should just go. But I want sherbet dessert. There's cake and ganache.

There wasn't even Sherbert on the menu. You get what you get and you don't get upset. I don't like those things. I like Sherbert. Seb X, just, you're embarrassing yourself, dude. Get out of here, nerd. Just go. So I open the door and it is raining.

Go. Seb X, go. Stop looking at us like, should I go out even though it's raining? Yes. And mom and dad, Humpa and Loompa, are just, when you look at them, silently pointing at the door. Well, maybe, I guess I'll just go unless you guys see something incredibly Seb with the gate of my rock. Oh my gosh, sorry daddy, sorry daddy, sorry daddy. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust

so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D.

dot com slash sitcom D&D. Right now I'm in an alley and I'm fighting with stray dogs over the remains of a rotisserie chicken. Like I have just gone to rock bottom, right? You just ate. No, it's mine! It's mine! Mine!

Seb, give me actually a perception check. A 10? You don't see this person approach until you hear their rain boots stop six inches from where you're on the ground fighting for your life and this food from a dog. And you look up to see real Seb, who you've just encountered at dinner, standing in what would be- I thought you meant a different Seb. I was like, I'm gonna have a meltdown. There's another Seb inside the house.

From now on, we'll call this other Seb, Seb played by Jordan, or Jordan Seb, okay? This other Seb, Seb played by Jordan or Jordan Seb. Okay. Jordan Seb is there in what would have been, you know, like your childhood raincoat and an umbrella standing over you. What do you want? You want my chicken too? The one that I got from Lucky and Ace?

Honestly, yeah, I would actually love some of that. It looks really good and I'm still hungry from dinner but listen I wanted to talk to you cause I had something to say I'm not really you yeah no shit

I know no man no man you don't get it I'm admitting it I'm not really you I know. No, man. No, man. You don't get it. I'm admitting it. I'm not really you. I know that.

Sorry. I thought you were going to argue, no, you are me. And I was going to say, no, I am not you. No, I'm me. You're not me. And that's true. And that's true. I'm really sorry.

Listen, I have had a really tough life, okay? When I was born, my parents, they dropped me off at a farm and they said that the farmer wouldn't even notice. I think I was one of the little cow, little calves. And you know what? The farmer didn't notice. And I thought I was one of the little calves. And I was, you know what? They tried to milk me my whole life growing up. And I broke out of there. All I wanted was a family and some warmth and food. I mean, that's why I'm saying that chicken actually looks awesome. Okay. And I've just had a tough time. And when I saw that you weren't home, I thought, okay, I'm going to be Seb. And I've been Seb for so long, I forgot that I am not Seb. That's a really hard story. It's been a really tough life.

Well, I'm kind of like, I don't know what to do. Because on one hand, I feel bad for you. But like, this is my life. This is me. You've stolen my identity okay okay how about this if you could help me maybe find a better maybe a richer family i'll leave yours alone and you can continue to be yourself and your family but if you can't provide that then i'm seb till we pass okay but like what is that like i you want me to take out an ad in the newspaper like what you want

me to just find i mean knock on doors sure yeah knocking on doors is always something people love i mean what if okay what's just like a family you know that's like really rich and has like a lot of food and like maybe an extra bed for a little person named mood to kind of chill in let's see chalice is has like a rich but vile father um we're close like a little bit better last time um and he's a king whoa can't get much richer than that okay Okay, that's awesome. But you said he's vile. Just kind of just bad personality, I would say. Oh. You know, tries to murder.

I kind of have that too. I know you have a bad personality because I have a bad personality. I know. I hate me. I hate me more. Yeah. Okay, so I could put you

in touch with them. Okay. She has a brother. It seems like you're not into it. So I, you know what? I'm just going to stay with your family. It's all good. No, no, no, no, no.

I need my family. I need my family or else I die. Or else you die? And what do you mean by that? I need their blood. I need like a bucket of their blood. Okay. Seems like I have to protect them from you now.

No, no, no, no, no. Not like a lethal amount. Just enough to break the curse the curse okay listen this is beyond me i'm going to i need to protect my parents now at this point from you taking what you said a lethal amount of blood from their body. No, a non-lethal. Like two, three quarts. Yes, but I heard you whisper non. And you said quarts?

Yeah, I don't know. Let's check back in with the dining room where Seb's mom stands up and goes, okay, now I'm starting to get worried because bless his heart, real Seb is just too kind of a soul out there trying to talk to that imposter can y'all just go check on them make sure they're all right anything for you beautiful anything for you anything for you gorge anything anything for you honk all right how why and when? Let's get going.

I'm staying with my hot mommy. She's my hot mommy! Oh, God. The axe has worn off in the rain. We don't even know which one's which anymore. Why do you have a crossbow, and why are you darting between the two of us?

Jess, Jess, nobody move! Nobody move. Say it still. Say it still. Hey, can we, what are we doing? Can we have the real Seb back or can we help get the real Seb back? I'm really tired. We got to find a new family for the real, for that one.

All right. We have to find a new family for that Seb. What kind of family? Preferably hot and wealthy. Hot wealthy. What about someone close? Is there anyone on the block? What about Debbie Handbag?

Yeah, we could ask Debbie. That sounds really nice. That wouldn't make any sense. Debbie Handbag's kid went missing years ago. Okay, so it could make sense if I literally shapeshift into this other kid who's been missing, kind of show up and say hey here i am oh kind of dark you gotta age up the kid a little bit though oh my god it doesn't make sense the kid's missing wait jennifer wait wait wait everybody everybody everybody hold on hold on

hold on charles is getting so confused because she is also Seb. She's just very dizzy. Okay, hold on. Do you have an idea or are you just telling us to stop talking? Both. Okay, so if you're a fake Seb, maybe you're Debbie Handbag's missing kid. How do we know? Maybe you're actually the missing kid. Yeah, revert to your true form. What do you actually look like?

Whoa. Jordan, describe whatever your actual character looks like, what Moo looks like. Very globby, kind of lumpy. A very lumpy young woman. Long, beautiful blonde hair. Braces on my teeth that I've kind of had for a really long time my legs are really really really like you know how like when moms get older they get kind of get like chicken legs my my legs are like that but the rest of my body's like globby and and

lumpy oh man what am i looking at? What are we looking at? Oh my God, you're beautiful. Turn it to the kid. Turn it to Debbie's kid. This is correct. Okay. Oh, oh. Hey. That's pretty good. Wow, you're really good at that. We could just say, we could just go

to Debbie and be like, hey, we found him. Yeah. How old is the kid? anyone know at this point he's still gotta be four right no because of time beef he'd be older i don't know what you're saying to me i don't know what you're saying to me but i don't like your attitude so what you're saying is if i went missing at four i would be older than four returning to my mother now. That's just my perspective on the whole thing. Yeah, let's go and try.

Let's try it. Should we tie him up like we just found him a second ago or should we untie him? Oh, so he went missing like he was stolen, like he was kidnapped. Maybe. Does anyone know how? You guys are taking some wild leaps in logic, but let's roll with it. Let's just go. Let's just go.

We'll be normal. We'll be normal. We're going to walk over and knock on Debbie Handbag's door. Debbie whips open the door and has a crossbow pointed at you. I told you not to come here. I told you not to come here. I'm going to call the patrolman to come. What are you doing here?

So she sees four seps and one. Yeah, she's terrified. And one like teenager. Some tween, a tween perhaps. A tween. A tween, a tween. I forget that we're all seps, so I just push up the kid. I just push up real Seb, whose name I don't know anymore.

Moo, I guess, is his name. Chalice is going to excuse herself to the bathroom in Seb's house. In her house? No, no, in Seb's house. She's going back to the bathroom. Where are you going? It's IBS. It's IBS. It's IBS.

She doesn't like to talk about it. IPS as well. IPS, you're right, Moo. Hey, Debbie, sorry to bother, but we did find your missing child. Hooray. You're psychos. Why are you tormenting me? No look look look look look i i push move forward see hey mom okay jordan

first and foremost i'm gonna have you give me a history check to see how well you remembered what this kid looks like just off the top of your head from being around the past couple of years. Maybe around the neighborhood you've seen some like either missing pictures that are still been up for the past several years or you talk with Debbie Handbag. I want to see how legit it is that you would know exactly how accurately you could age up to play this kid. So seven. That's low. Okay. Uh, so seven.

That's low. Okay. So with that history check, uh, this does not look like her missing child very much. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. So what did you look like as the, trying to look like the child? I have really short hair, except for like the front of my hair is really long and I kind of brush it to the side, kind of emo style.

Classic tween um I'm wearing a really really tight black shirt and um black skinny jeans with a belt that is a that has piano keys the smile you gave perfect perfect yeah um i'm gonna try and i'm gonna try and convince debbie no deb debbie you look skeptical and i understand why it's just you know teenagers nowadays am i right they're doing all these crazy things i remember what my child looks like okay i think i would you think a mother would forget this is not my child? It's been a couple years. Maybe she's changed. Debbie, you've changed.

Because of time. No offense, Mom. You look different from what I remember, too. Because of time. Because of time. Because time, which I found out recently, makes you get older.

No, I don't believe it. And then you hear from behind, Mom? Oh no. And you all turn in the rain. No, no. No, not now. Get out of here, kid. The handbag's child returns from years of being missing.

Oh my God, I made it. I made it. No, you didn't. And this looks just like what Debbie's missing child would look like grown up years in the future. Son of a... Red hair. Really inconvenient.

And then dressed kind of like a cowboy. I start wrestling him. You wrestle it? I start wrestling him. I'm crying. Give me a strength check. Give me a strength check. This kid finally made it home after all that time.

He said, I finally did it. I got a 20. He's attacked. Okay, a 20. He is pinned to the ground, okay? Rain pouring on his eyes. He can't even keep his eyes open. Get him!

And you are about to end him. You couldn't have picked another day! You feel a bolt rest against your neck, Moo as debbie leans in and whispers don't you touch my child and actually we're gonna leave off in that little mini cliffhanger i want to check in with chalice real quick and see what's happening at the von hugh grant household right now uh chalice has taken her sub disguise off and dried off a little bit. And then she's going to walk in

to where the family is sitting. Hello. Hi. Sorry for the confusion. They are at Debbie Handbag's house doing something totally moral and normal. Can I just, I sort of got to the bottom of it.

And with your consent, I can show you everything that I know to the bottom of it and with your consent i can show you everything that i know and i think it'll help you get back to the real seb sure um yeah i mean yeah go ahead tell us what you got to tell us or show us whatever you want to show us chalice takes out her new swan thing where she's able to transfer memories to people and she goes up and she touches their hands and one at a time shows them the interaction she had with Jordan Seb outside

of when Jordan turned into her real self and just for good measure in case they don't love Seb she's going to play a montage of some of Chalice's favorite Seb moments once a year we have a massage-sauce boss fest, and Beef and I go down to the basement,

and we drink a bunch of fermented applesauce, and we wrestle. The security guards punch a spicy peat right in the stomach. And that guard is me, and I go, how dare you upstage me when I'm about to do yo-yo tricks? How dare you? I said that guard is me. I think that was definitely salt in the thumbtack

that I snorted. Have you seen my wife? I'm going to unzip my clothes, and underneath is just a barrel, so I'm going to be a barrel now. Oh, my ass. I thought you were on a sex vacation. No.

That's starting soon. Oh, my word. Starting soon. Oh, my word. This is... I'm sorry, Chalice. This is just a lot to process. Would you mind, could you just give us a moment? Yeah, totally. And then Chalice puts her Seb costume back on

and meets her friends outside. So you need to explain yourself and why you just lied and tried to pass off as my child, because I am losing my patience. OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, sorry. OK, Mrs. Handbag, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have posed as a child that you have been looking for for years i see now that was that was neither moral or cool or normal that's all of our bad that's all that's on all of us y'all are nightmares and absolutely you're right we are nightmares all of us as a crew this is kind of my crew now and well mrs handbag the thing is i i'm just a

poor shapeshifter and i have nowhere to go i'm just looking for a warm place to live and some food and heaven forbid people who love me. It's just something I've never had unless I have been, you know, faking it. Well, go be with your own family. I wish it were that easy.

Mrs. Handbag. Please, Mrs. Handbag. It's winter tide, Mrs. Handbag.

Do it. Is it? No, but he doesn't know that. Maybe. Give me a persuasion check with disadvantage. Just Chalice for that part. Okay, first one's a

19. And the next one is a nat 20. Oh! It is one. She just is filled with the wintertide spirit. She's a suburban woman. She probably starts celebrating in October. Got him. Got him.

Got him. Damn. Mrs. Handbag, the way you've been looking for your son and he's been out on his own, I've been out on my own too. I'm just looking for someone to take me in and treat me kindly

and I would stay as me. I'm not an attractive person just as myself. So I could shapeshift into anybody you'd like. And I just, please, please. Both of my parents were made into burgers. I can't really explain that any further. I've got nobody, Mrs. Handbag. Please, Mrs. Handbag. Please, Mrs. Handbag.

All right, so Jordan, I'm going to have you do a persuasion check here if anybody wants to help. I want to give Moo a bardic inspiration. And I also just want to say for the record, Beef's fully inside Debbie Handbag's house and sat down with the family

and is eating. But he throws out the inspiration in that moment over his shoulder how does that like come across is that like a just like a like a an encouraging nod or like what inspires yeah i make direct eye contact with moo and i have my mouth filled with so many different seven different types of food are in my mouth. And I'm making direct eye contact with Moo. And I'm like, I give Moo a wink. Like, you've got this.

Why don't you give me a persuasion check, Jordan? Got a 13. All right, so from Beef, you got a D6 here of Bardic Inspiration. So what are you rolling a d6 here of bardic inspiration so what are you rolling a d6 six i think it's because beef can feel that moo has a very similar backstory to beef i don't see it. Yeah. So he sends, he's like, that wink was really like, you fight for your spot in the house. You fight for it.

Fight to be loved. Oh, that's so sweet. Thanks, Pete. That permeates. And Deb looks into your eyes, Moo, and she goes, well, maybe you have a family now. We'll see. We'll see. But you can certainly stay the night.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. And by the night, you mean the rest of my life, probably, right? Probably not. Just judging on, like, first impressions. Bad. Bad first impression but i will i will help you at least get on your feet and yeah give mu a chance mu might surprise you yeah i can dance that won't be necessary no you gotta see mu dance you gotta see me dance now let me hug my child oh right oh that's Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm tapping anyway. I join the hug. Yeah, all the Sebs hug. I can't believe you found him. You're welcome. Chip looks over and gives Beef Seb how one of those like, get over here type of nods. And Beef how looks at Chip when Seb and is tosses

Aaron's brain! I'm gonna let go a little bit early and I came with a purpose so I'm gonna go back to Mommy and Daddy's house. You enter through the front door and they stand up from the dining table okay is this which which seb are you are you you are seb i'm your seb i promise and all three

of them run up to you and and hug you and go we're so sorry we're so sorry oh my god and hug you and go, we're so sorry. We're so sorry. Oh my God. And even, you know, Bess, who doesn't show a ton of emotion. It's like, Seb, I'm so, oh my God, this is so wild and weird. I'm so, I'm sorry. Water under the bridge. It's totally fine. It's totally fine.

You know, I'm sorry I haven't been around more. This has been three years in the making. I can take ownership of this too. So I love you guys. Can I have some of your blood? What? Excuse me? Can I have your blood, please?

Okay. Give me a persuasion check with disadvantage. The gang is outside talking to Jennifer Seb with the glasses, thinking that it's Seb. That's no hubba bubba. That's my thing. Seb. You're not here.

15. What do you need blood for? We'll give you our blood. I'm cursed, and the only thing to break it is blood of somebody that loves me and um i hope that's you guys right oh yeah i mean so do we just we can like prick our finger in the kitchen and you can i take it with you i guess now i'm like realizing i just kind of need you to be there on the day i don't think it's gonna keep like it's not like a lasagna where i can put it in the fridge or something like that like oh this is a lot uh

is it dangerous um for me if you don't um definitely and you see them kind of like shuffle their feet and look down sam um you know you you're you're the real Seb, but we don't really know the real Seb anymore. We love you. We love you. But I just want to make sure that our family's safe. So how about... And he's just trying to check in with Bess and his wife. Yeah.

How about we just sleep on it? Huh? This is just a lot. I think everybody's overwhelmed yeah how about we just sleep on it huh this is just a lot i think everybody's overwhelmed we're gonna sleep on it but um hey we're glad that that you're that you're back um you know maybe in this situation is not really great but um not a whole lot else i can do and i'm trying to be understanding. I don't fully, but I do understand that this is what you need. And so I'm going to say adieu and I'm going to go eat the rest of my rotisserie chicken in the rain. Bye mommy and daddy.

Goodbye. You are welcome here anytime. And please don't just visit every four years and just give us some time. Okay, give us some time. Okay, well, not too much time because, you know, I have until the end of the season. Vasco's to give you a hug

and like kind of do like a noogie thing that she's used to doing with like what she thought was the real Sab and kind of fumbles and doesn't really know exactly how to do it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Oh, hey, good to see you, bro. I guess we don't really know exactly how to do it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'll kill you, I'll kill you. Hey, good to see you, bro.

I guess we don't really know each other. This is so sad. I hope that you guys come, and that's all that I can do. Jeez. I love that Seb doesn't go home, even though he goes to Chip's family's house to do socks. Yeah, that's really telling. Yeah, that's really sad.

Sounds like you were inviting them to your improv show. All I can do is hope you come. Please come to my improv show. please come to my improv show. As Seb walks out of his house, Chip runs up and he's back to being Chip and embraces Seb with a noogie that feels just right. You know, just like exactly like a noogie should feel. And then Seb looks down and beef is beef

and he's hugging his leg and he's looking up at him and beaming. And Chalice is holding a crossbow and pointing it at Jennifer and back to Seb, just in a flop sweat. Which one? Sitcom D&D is comprised

of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Ben and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 85 episodes of content instantly.

And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats. This week's episode is Secret Patreon Part 2. I don't know what this is. two i don't know what this is aaron do you know what this is where will lead secretly records the group hanging out without their knowledge what and hilarity and hijinks ensue okay what the heck i hope he didn't record us during our live action disney movies from the 2000s themed sleepover.

A lot of crazy stuff happened that night. Hmm. Well, sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D and D and find out what that's all about. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D and D that

sitcom. And then the letters D and D this is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests. See our favorite poll quotes from that week's episode and get hot and spicy memes relating to the show okay i think that's it for now until next tuesday and thanks as always for listening that was a HeadGum Podcast.