SitcomD&D - S4 E14: Neil A. Wafer (w/ Mano Agapion)

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

The gang goes looking for Chip’s reclusive Uncle Neil in an attempt to break the curse, but they soon discover Uncle Neil might need some help of his own before he’s ready to help anybody else. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsGuest Starring: Mano AgapionTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Elizabeth Andrews & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Have you guys seen the movie where the turkey kills people? Yes. What? Thanks killing. Thanks killing. Thanks killing? Thanks killing.

It's fun. It's really dumb. Oh my God. It's really dumb. And this turkey, it says like, I'm a mother f***er. The turkey talks? The turkey talks. Talking turkey.

It's very leprechaun style, like sassy, punny killer. Is it a puppet? Yeah. It's a puppet. It's a horrible quality puppet. I'm in. Honestly, better than CGI. It's bad.

I can't wait. All I'll say is there is, I don't want to give too much away, but there is a sex scene. Yes. The turkey do do the do. No. Not the turkey. That just gave me a wishbone.

Like a boner? My wish came true and I got a boner. I immediately wasn't sure if that was like canonically part of the pod or not. I was like, oh, what does that mean? What is wishbone? What is that? And then you hear me and they're like, do you have a boner now? bone or not? Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, we pick up with the gang as you are all on a quest to seek out the only remaining family member option left for our guide Chip. As a refresher, Chip's entire extended family is on a season-long cruise. How convenient. And the only person who isn't on this cruise besides Chip is his estranged uncle, Uncle Neil. And so this journey to find Uncle Neil has brought you all to a sleepy little hillside town just outside of Fraser by the name of Nepaw.

Chip, you remember hearing a while back that he lived in this town, but you don't know for sure if he still does or what his specific address is. And safe to say that nobody else in your family would know this information either. But as you all enter this peaceful hillside town, with the midday sun pleasantly shining down upon these thatched-roofed houses, you see it is not much more than one large neighborhood. There's a

little post office, a small outdoor grocery, and a quaint little tavern. And as you approach, a few of the town folks are sitting at a small wooden table just outside the tavern as they pack their pipes with tobacco. And we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice. He's really selling the wishbone. It's not part of it. It's not part of the show. When you need a break from this crazy world see your friends and fill a cup find Sebastian Chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up as step by step

our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Chalice, Beef, and Seb have gone full Gilmore Girls in their clothes. They're wearing big oversized sweaters. They're holding coffees. in their clothes. They're wearing big oversized sweaters. They're holding coffees, big scarves. They're so happy to be in this little town together. Beef's holding a mug with both hands and just really smelling that autumn air.

It's gorgeous. Seb's glasses are 50% larger, but you can't tell if his head has just gotten smaller because everything else is oversized or if it's just that they're oversized. And Chip's just wearing a t-shirt that says, have you seen my uncle? Excuse me.

Hi. Hello. Oh, hello. Are you all just passing through? I point to my shirt without saying anything. I don't know that band. It's not. Have you seen my uncle?

I feel like I'm about to get pranked. Neil? Neil? His name's Neil. My uncle Neil. Do you know where my uncle Neil is? Okay, sorry. Let me just start at the top.

I'm going to die in a couple episodes. So I need to find my uncle Stat. Tell him who you are. Oh, hi. I'm Chip Ahoy, a.k.a. Roy, a.k.a. the guy that lied about doing the thing where he burst into a dragon. Sorry, let me take that from the top. It's good. No, a.k.a. Roy, a.k.a. the guy that lied about doing the thing where he burst into a dragon. Sorry, let me take that from the top. It's good. No, you're fine.

It's fine. Sorry, it's a long intro nowadays. Ralph, do you know a Neil? Oh! I think that Neil might have been the name of the bloke. Wait a second. This guy's a star. We all slide over and we only talk to this guy.

No, you're gone. This guy's a star. We all slide over and we only talk to this guy. You're gone. Yeah, I think that Neil might have been the name of that gentleman that lived in the cabin up in the woods there. You don't say. He's been dead for years. No.

Let's go on back to the bar. No, no, no. He did not die. Don't listen to this old blowhard. They slide back. We're done with you. We're done with you. He still lives there. But I heard he's a dark warlock up to no good with his boiling cauldron.

Oh, my. No, he's dead. He's dead. We slide all the way over to this guy. You we love. What's your name? Frinkle. Oh.

No, no, no. He's dead. But, but his soul still haunts that place. You know what, can you just give us the address? I don't know about an address, but if you just walk straight through town, the path will sort of end, the main road ends, but just keep following where you think it should go, and just about a mile due east.

You can't miss, actually you can miss it. It's almost kind of overgrown and dilapidated, but there's a cabin out there. You know what, maybe even if he's, but there's a cabin out there. You know what? Maybe even if he's dead and there's a soul floating around, we could potentially put the soul back in the body, bring him back to life, get the blood, bada bing, bada boom, cowabunga. I'm a lot.

I mean, I feel like this is way faster than trying to figure out which of these three guys is lying or not. So let's just go. Or which one we want to have sex with. Good point. Okay, let's go. Alright. Y'all make your way through

the town and then out into a forest. And after you go about three quarters of a mile, you're right in the area where you think probably should be looking for a cabin. So why doesn't everyone give me a perception check? 16. 14, 12. 5. Okay.

So Chalice, what you do see, and it's very easy to miss, is a log cabin that's almost like a rundown shack, truly dilapidated. And the windows are so dirty, you can't even see through them. The entrance to the door is completely overgrown with weeds and foliage. And the roof is in desperate need of some repairs. And it looks like just one good storm could cause it all to come tumbling down. You guys, you guys, I think I see it. Oh, is that it? Quite derelict.

It's spooky. He's dead for sure. We don't know that. We don't know that yet. Hey, he could be alive and just weird, you know? Like, let's not for sure. We don't know that. We don't know that yet. Hey, he could be alive and just weird, you know? Like, let's not lose hope. Chalice very cautiously knocks on the door. And it echoes through the cabin.

We see Neil in the back of this cabin. He almost feels like he's hallucinating since a knock hasn't come on the door in years. And he's immediately, he's eating, there a knock hasn't come on the door in years. And he's immediately eating. There's a bowl of cereal on his tummy. And he takes it off his tummy in a panic, wiping milk off of his beard, unsure of how he wants to react or what to do. Perfect. Charles, we can't just knock. He's probably dead in there.

Like, let's just, you know what? How about this? And Chip shoulders the door and bursts it open, if he can. Yeah, give me a strength check. Yeah. Chip. Well, he's dead. This is someone's home.

Good point, thief. But I might inherit it if he's dead, which is pretty cool. We got a new house. Woo! 24. Yeah, you needed a two. You needed a two. Oh, God.

You burst through this thing. Yeah, it flies off the hinges and lands on the ground inside huge cloud of dust. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

What the? What the fuck? And looking back at you is Uncle Neil. And actually, Mano, if you don't mind, would you describe what Neil looks like today? Yeah. Neil is wearing a tattered sort of gown. Oh my God, yes. You can imagine like a Greek Fustanella skirt.

It's a mixture of regalia styles. And he has sort of like a Carol Brady sort of androgynous mullet. And he has sort of like a Carol Brady sort of androgynous mullet. But his eyes are twinkling full of life. What the f***? A ghost! A goddess. Thank you.

What the f***? Uncle Neil? Unky? Chip? Oh. You recognize me? Chip spins in a circle. Yeah. We have the same nose circle Yeah We have the same nose We do have the same nose

We have the same nose What the f*** are you doing Breaking down my door? Oh Just in town Oh my god Stopping Bye

Well hi Nice to meet you Yeah And all your friends Are you gonna introduce us Chip? Yeah sorry I'm being rude I'm. I'm being rude. I'm sorry. I'm being rude. This is Beef.

He's the tiny one. This is Seb. He's the nerdy one. And this is my girlfriend, Chalice. Girlfriend? Oh. Wow, yeah. I'm his girlfriend. How do you do? Yes, my girlfriend. Work. Hi. Hi. It's nice to meet you. I approve.

Are you here to marry? Are you asking for a hand? What are you doing? Is that why you're here? What's up? Is that what we're here for? No. I approve. Have a nice marriage. That's cute. He's going back to bed. He's putting the cereal back on his stomach. Holy hell. You have a whole gallery of cereal. Yes.

I am actually quite good friends with the cereal mascots of Cerealia. Whoa. Yeah, these are not just boxes for me. These are my friends. Oh. And you eat them?

Yeah, I like to remember the good times. I used to endorse a cereal myself. You did? Which one? Fortunate Trinkets. No way. That would cut up my teeth when I ate it. Yeah, that one was really hard.

Dang, mom never told me about that. Yeah, she was ashamed. Are you cool? I was trying to ask people in town, are you like cool? I used to be. Oh. Now everyone takes me for a warlock, bubbling, making things in my cauldron. But it's just a bowl of cereal.

It's just a bowl of cereal. And see, I have all these magical shapes. A runestone. A high heel. A scroll. And various celestial bodies. Oh my god. No one really cares about my cereal anymore, though.

Oh, I'm sorry. I gotta admit, I'm pretty shocked. I thought you were gonna be like some weirdo. The way mom always talked about you. There's the thing. These kids are always chasing me. They're always chasing me. They're chasing you?

Yes, they're always after my fortunate trinkets. And then somehow rumor got out in town that I'm cooking children, that I'm killing children. I'm just trying to get the fuck away from these little brats, these squalid little parentless monsters. Oh, orphans. Yeah. Preach. I get it.

We don't let orphans be the onion man. I don't know if that means anything to you. I don't. I don't know what the hell that means. Never will, but it's so good to see you. Yeah, it's so good to see you too. This is actually, I'm going to be honest. The reason I'm here is because I'm cursed.

I'm cursed to die as are the rest of us. And I just need a family member who loves me. If they give me their blood at a certain time, at a certain place, you could save my life. Wow. And we love Chip. Yeah, and they love me. We love Chip.

And we love Chip, and I would give my blood to him, but I'm not related to Chip. And from your guys' noses, looks like we found a match. Yeah. I'm going to be so honest. I like you. Okay.

But I could love you. Yeah, yeah. We can work our way there. For me to say I love you right now would be just hogwash. Yeah, same. Same here. Absolutely same here.

You don't remember me. Not a clue. I thought you were a weirdo. Totally. And you, when I, last time I saw you, you were just filling your pants with shit. Yeah. You were so little. That sounds like him.

Yeah. No, I was a baby, guys. I was a baby. You said you never have done that. I thought I skipped that part of being a baby. Okay, okay. We're learning. We're learning.

We're learning about everybody today. Neil, I have a baby. Okay, okay. We're learning. We're learning. We're learning about everybody today. Neil, I have a question. I assume that you're like so cool entering back into society and going on a long trip because that's where we have to break the curse is the edigreen forest. So you like long journeys, right?

Oh, boy. Oh, back into bed. Okay. I'm having a bowl. Filling up a bowl. What's underneath the pillow? Oh, it's another box of cereal. He's about to tell a tale or something.

See this? See this? Wonderful hair. Dick's the hair. Yeah. Not just a cereal mascot. He's my ex-lover. Oh, no.

A squandered love. Heartbreak. Say it ain't so, Neil. My love was jilted, spurned, turnt and burnt. We were to wed, but dicks didn't see it the same way I did. Sorry, is his name Dicks or Dick?

Dicks the hair? His name is Dicks the hair, beef. Don't be rude. I'm sorry, I'm done. We had so much in common, children chasing us all day long. We both were purveyors of fruity cereal. Fruity fruits ourselves.

And I proposed and he... What? Said no. Oh my God. They're all crisscross applesauce like by the side of the bed right now. And he's like talking to them, like, below. Chip raises his hand and side-eyes Shals for a second. Yeah, Chip.

Did you do anything wrong that made him say no? And do you have any advice to avoid that in the future? Yeah, I did some things wrong. Maybe I moved a little fast. Oh, okay. Chip writes down, don't propose for a long time. Maybe I loved too fast. I think my biggest crime, unfortunately,

was being less impressive than the person who stole Dix's heart, Commander Crisp. Whoa. No, that son of a bitch. That pervert. Yeah. I'm so sorry to ask so bluntly, but do they cheat? I can't ask do they cheat?

Emotionally, physically, I don't know if it matters. All I know is that he came for my lover's booty and he took it. Took him away. And so I'm sorry, I'm a rat. Oh my God. Jennifer was in my coffee cup. Jesus. I'm just being me. This is our friend Jennifer. I didn't introduce you. I apologize. Yeah, no,. The talks. Sorry. Oh, Jennifer was in my coffee cup. Jesus. I'm just being me. This is our friend, Jennifer.

I didn't introduce you. I apologize. Yeah, no, it's okay. I didn't know you were with us. My question is, are you wearing your wedding attire? And is that why all the clocks in here are stopped at a certain time? Wow, you're good. You're very good.

Yeah. Thank you, Jennifer. 100% on the money. This gorgeous little number was going to be my wedding gown. And ever since, I never got the guts to go back out there to answer your question from, I don't know, a while ago. I never got the guts to get myself out there after I lost the love of my life. Oh, my God.

But, I mean, don't be so hard on yourself. I mean, that's devastating. Traumatic. Absolutely traumatic. Yeah, I just kind of think I'm nasty. No. I'm nasty. No. I'm a nasty. No.

My cereal's nasty. No. Will you try my cereal? Yeah. Yeah. Try it. I look at everybody. I'll try it.

Beef will try it. Yeah. And then we get a close-up on the bowl of cereal, and it's full of, like, dust mites and moths. It's fortified with sorghum, potassium citrate, and sodium bicarbonate. Yeah. I'm going to take a bite and I'd like to roll for deception. Beef's like sucking on it.

He's like, oh, it's one of those where you can't chew. You got to suck. Yeah. It kind of expands in the mouth. Yeah. Wow. It's like throb, it's one of those where you can't chew. You gotta suck. Yeah, it kind of expands in the mouth. Yeah, wow, it's like throbbing. Is it good? It's delicious. Oh, I got a 17 plus 6.

Nice. Okay. All right. You know what? All right. He turns around to look at everybody else, and he's giving the eyes of a lifetime, performance of a lifetime in his eyes that he's bad.

He was bad, he was bad, he was bad. Oh, no. Chalice makes a mental note to take Beef to the hospital later. I think I'm going to excuse myself to the garden. Yeah. And Beef leaves. Enjoy. Oh, Chip, thank you so much for bringing your friends here.

This is the most talking I've done in many a year. So you said you don't leave the house much? No. I hate to be stuck on that kind of point, but like a trip to go to a tree far away, you don't love the idea of that? I'm shy. I'm shy, Chip. But I'm curious.

I mean, if I'm going to have any sort of emotional connection with you and yes, hopefully save your life. It feels like I should go. Yeah. Yeah. We just need to get a pep back in your step. We got to build up your confidence. Right, guys?

Yeah. Y'all give me a makeover. Yes, and a makeover. Yeah. Beef is retching into the garden. Yeah, there's like a sliding glass door and you just did not clock that you're right in front of it. And I look up and I give two thumbs up. Makeover, yeah.

Yeah, and then you can go up to Dix and you can show him, look how good I'm doing now. Yeah. F*** Dix. F*** Dix. F*** Dix. Yeah. F*** dicks. F*** dicks. F*** dicks.

Yeah. I want to hear from each one of y'all of what you're bringing to the table during this makeover. Chalice starts on the hair. And if Neil's hair was a wig, it looks like she just sort of moved where the wig was.

Like it was like falling off. Yeah, like the same hair, but just like a little bit different and skewed. And then she passes it off to Beef. Beef is going to get your mojo back. And he's like, you just got to gyrate a little bit. All of your mojo's in the stomach, all right? Pat your tummy.

Your tummy's your friend. Yeah, sure. Come on, Neil. Don't be shy. Don't be shy. That's your guy. That's where your mojo is. You're the guy. Say

I'm Neil and I'm the best. I'm Neil A. Wafer and I'm the best. Record scratch. Whoa, what a name. That's an amazing name. Wow. You just exude confidence, alright, Neil A. Wafer? Yeah. You are sex.

You are power. You are the guy. I'm magic. Not magic. No, Neal A. Wafer? Yeah. You are sex. You are power. You are the guy. I'm magic. Not magic! No, no, no, I hate magic! Oh, I'm sorry. I hate magic! I'm sorry. But you're the guy. I'm the stuff. You're the stuff. I'm strong. I'll pass you off to Seb. Alright, so thank you

so much, Beef, for just taking that time. I had the ability to set up a couple of mannequins with a couple of outfit options. How do you feel about corduroy? Love it. Okay, great. This one's made out of the bells, and this one's made out of noisy silk, so I am

tossing those ones away, and we're going straight for the corduroy. I love it. Oh my gosh, so this is going to be kind of like a suit. Yeah, it's kind of like a suit. It's kind of draping, but the culotte bottoms are forgiving. Thank you. And this convertible top, are you kidding? Yeah, it's got a zip off, so you can show off your belly button,

or if you're going to church or something, you can keep it tethered. Yeah, I can crisscross the straps even. Oh. Yeah, and just don't get it wet. It will melt. And part of it is being held together with cooperating hands. Okay, I'm going to pass it off to Chip. Chip, what do you got?

Sorry, I just finished thatching up your roof. So we did your whole place top to bottom. Holy cow, that was exhausting. Thank you. Your hair looks basically the same, but your bedroom, brand new color, sewed you a brand new duvet cover as well. The kitchen now has a pizza oven in it. Oh, my God.

Yes, for when you're hosting your parties. God, you think I could actually have people over? Absolutely. You could have pizza over in your brand new couch. It's a full couch. It's an L couch. Oh my God, all your pizzas could sit there. Your pizzas could sit on your couch. Oh my God, this is so nice. I feel like a non-slob for the first time in a long time.

Well, you're about to slob on some pizza. I'm going to show you how to be able to cook for people when you're brave enough to invite them over. Okay, really what we're going to be working with today is something so simple. Something really simple, easy to make. That's avocado. Oh, my God. An avocado grapefruit salad? Just avocado.

Oh, just avocado. Okay. Yeah, here it is. Avocado. Oh, my God. This is so simple. Even Antony could make it. I love it.

Oh, Antony, the super hot tree that lives in this woods? Yes. He's so hot. He's so hot. I heard he's more of an actor than a chef, but God bless him. God bless him. So, are we feeling brave enough to maybe step outside for the first time in years? You know what?

Yes. Yes I am. I'm ready for everyone to try my fortunate trinkets. Because God damn it, they taste good. There he is. He's back. Chalice snaps her fingers and Neil's hair turns like bright neon pink. Whoa.

Now you're ready. Nice. Oh my God. That was really cool. Magic. Don't like that, but sorry. I don't like that, but sorry. We see Neil is looking at his own house and sort of just practicing with himself

what it would be like to bring someone back. The whole crew's outside looking through that sliding glass door like, can he do it? I think he can do it. Neil, do you want one of us to step in and help you out? One of the mannequins? I'd be more comfortable with a mannequin, honestly. Yeah, yeah, we got you a mannequin. Okay, okay. Beef, you should voice the mannequin.

Yes, yes. Okay, Neil. Alright. Yeah, so this is my place. Wow, it's nice. Yeah, it's pretty cool. You know, it's kind of artisanal and you should see the inside, if you want. Don't mind if I do.

Open that door, big daddy. You see, it's recently been bolted back on. My nephew really did a great job destroying it and then putting it back on its frame. Thank you. Sorry, not here. Your nephew's that strong. Yeah, he's a good kid.

He's a really good kid. Do you want pizza or just avocado? I take just avocado. Okay, great. I'll be right back. So make yourself comfortable on this L-shaped sofa. Wow. I ate it.

I'm sorry. Come on. What the fuck? I'm sorry. There should be something in the pizza thing. Okay, okay. I'm waiting. I'm taking off my clothes.

Wow, she moves quick. I'm waiting. I'm taking off my clothes. Oh, wow. She moves quick. Be right there. I didn't have avocado, but I have this piece of pizza bread shaped like an avocado. Neil's killing it. I know. Should we go? Not yet.

Not yet. I can't move my arms, but could you feed it to me? Yeah. Nothing gets you in the mood for more sex like a lot of pizza. You know me so well. Hey, do you know your nephew really well? Nice, good job, B. Yeah, I really reconnected with him.

He's pretty cool. He doesn't fill his pants with shit no more. Now he's just a good, reliable guy who helps make his old uncle's place look a little bit nicer. Wow. Seems like you should do something for him. You think? Maybe.

I don't know. I don't know how these things work, but, you know, family's family, right? Family's family. Well said, mannequin. I think I will. Oh, I gotta go. Oh, wait, what? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. No, I gotta go! Oh, wait, what? Oh my god.

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. No, no, no, no. No, you did great! Yeah, you did such a... No, I went in for the kiss and I kissed mannequin's shoulder. That was weird. No, no, no. I think it was awesome. It was weird! It was weird! It was confident, is what it was. Thank you all so much. This has been

amazing. This has been great. And Chip, I love you, buddy. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I love you. Yeah, I love you too. This is going so well. This is going so well.

Yeah, are you ready to make a huge dangerous trek and spill some blood for this guy or what? I think we have to. And I'll tell you why. Commander Crisp's ship is parked not so far off the beaten path. Is there any way we could swing by or swing past to show Dix and Crisp how good I'm doing? Absolutely. Yeah, we'll burn that ship down.

I don't care. I'm so excited. Okay. Okay. Guys, I'm going to live. I'm going to live. I don't know about y'all, but I will live. Chalice is full-blown sobbing into her hands. She's so relieved. Okay. Okay. Guys, I'm going to live. I'm going to live. I don't know about y'all, but I will live. Chalice is full-blown sobbing into her hands.

She's so relieved. Oh, happy. Okay. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people,

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So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So Chip stacks everybody on top of him, which is what driving is in our world, and puts his ass in drive and heads towards the commander's ship. Okay.

It's actually only a couple hours. They don't live too far from Nipaw, this hillside town. And you come up to a very well-kept, quaint, quintessential pirate ship that would sleep four to five. So it's like a cute, almost cartoonish in size pirate ship.

Kind of like a galleon. It looks almost like a tsunami might have brought it to where it is. Perched perfectly on top of a hill. And out of the crow's nest, which is also a very slender chimney, is some smoke coming out of the top. It just looks so like a place you'd want to live. And Sean, you didn't mention this, but we had the best time on the road trip.

We were laughing. It was great. We sang so many songs. Well, one song over and over, and we liked it every time. Yeah. I really opened up. Neil opened up. About things you wished I didn't open up about.

I got a little deep into my elementary school trauma, and everyone was very nicely listening. It's adorable. I mean, it's ugly. Uncle Neil, it's not. It's amazing What are they Noah Like what are they

Expecting a big flood Come on I can't do this Chalice is looking This up on Zillow She has to know I can't do this I'm so sorry

I can't do this I have to go I have to go Neil No no no We're right here And then we can go To the tree

And we're good I can't do this Neil you can't make A bed out of dirt. Get up. Get up, Neil. I'll get up. Okay, I don't know.

Are we going to meet them? Should we meet them? No, that's weird, right? No, that's the point. I feel like that's the point. Okay, I hate to say this, but I need someone to pretend to be my hot, sexy partner. I can't go over there as a single.

I won't do it. Chip. Chip. Chip. Chip. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. That's great. Yes, yes, yes. You have the same nose. Yes. No, no. I'll use disguise self.

I feel like I should look different so I'm not clearly... Or Beef could do it because Beef did great as Mannequin. I feel like you two have pretty good chemistry. Why don't you throw me into the mix, huh? We're just kind of putting people out there. No, Chip. There's nothing weird about an uncle and his nephew pretending to be a couple. We gotta do it.

I'm back on the chip train now. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. I cast this guy self on myself and I turn myself into the hottest little half-orc you've ever seen. Sexy crop top and I got my butt crack is showing. Chalice's mouth is agape and she's like so into this. So describe a little more of this hot half-orc guy that you're becoming. Different nose, Sean, if that's what you're thinking.

Totally different nose. Full head of hair. You see my bald spots like fill in and it's like gorgeous and luscious. My lips get thicker. My five o'clock shadow gets even five o'clock shadowier. And I have a shirt that said, where's my uncle? A goddess. You're at the front door.

We're at the front door. We're like doing any final touches. You're touching up your hair, trying to dust off yourself. I'm licking a smudge off your cheek. You look great. You look great. You look great. You look great.

Thank you. You look way out of my league. This is going to be awesome. Okay. Perfect. And how do we meet? That's always what everybody asks about a couple. Let's not prepare.

Ahoy! Ahoy! I thought I'd undersaw you standing on the front porch there. Commander Chris, pay. Oh, my God, wait. Neil. Neil. Hi.

Is that you, Neil? Yeah, it's me. Yeah, it's me. Hey, it's me, Neil. Holly, it's Neil. You got to come down. Hey, it's me, Neil. Honey, it's Neil. You got to come down. I can't believe it. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I can't believe we were just going to our yacht nearby. Mm-hmm. Oh, hi. And then standing in the doorway, just as lovely and handsome as the day you last saw them, is Dix the Hare. Oh, God. And his ears are big juicy girthy

rabbit ears. They're all furry and thick. I mean he's barrel chested but slim in the waist. Oh the hair H-A-R-E. I know what kind of hair it is. And his little whiskers are twitching as Neil does his best to save face

shaking D's hand. Hi. Oh my god. Neil, it's so nice to see you. What is, to what do we owe the occasion? Oh man, we were just going to our yacht nearby, actually. Very nice yacht. Wooden yacht. Lovely yacht.

I wanted to see a smaller boat, is what I wanted to see. How could you make them so small, is what I was asking Neil. Totally. And we were just laughing and laughing and sexually necking. And we just decided to come. We were like, oh my God, wait, I think I know. That's my old friend's place. So we had to come by. Yes.

I am Hank. This is Hank. Yes. Neil's lover. Yes. Oh, wow. Hank Body. This is Hank Body, my lover. Oh, we can shake, I noticed that you have. That's his hook. That's his hook arm. That Body. This is Hank Body, my lover. Oh, we can shake, I noticed that you have. That's his hook. That's his hook arm.

That's his hook arm. Don't say that. That be me hook. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Lovely to meet you, Hank the Body. Yeah. This is Hank Body. It's so great to see y'all.

You're doing great. Wow. How many years has it been, you two together? Oh, we are actually about to be celebrating our 15th anniversary. I can't believe. Oh, you two together. You two look related to me. Oh, me? Yeah, you and the pirate.

Wow. That's so crazy. You guys look exactly alike. I mean, we're married. We are related. We're a family. What? No.

What do you mean? That's weird. That's weird. Yeah, kind of weird. I mean, is this a real concern? I am a bunny person, and this is a pirate man. And you guys have the same nose. Well, I don't know if I've met everybody.

If y'all want to come in. We work for Neil. He's so good to his employees. Yeah. We love him so much. I hate my own money, so I give it to everyone around me. I get bothered by how much is around the house. Or the yacht. Or whatever. You said you all

work for Neil? I didn't know you had a business. Yeah, I have a different job now. I have a different job now. It's actually shipping. I'm in shipping. You're in shipping? I'm in shipping. Yeah. Picked something pretty close to pirate. Should've

stayed away from anything nautical, Neil. Okay, Motto, I'm going to have you roll here. Okay. A deception check. Seven. Okay. With a seven, you see in Dix's eyes a flash of like, oh, I think that's not true.

There's almost like a patronizing, which is just the worst, kind of like feeling bad for you flash in their eyes. You're like, oh, awesome. That's fantastic. Chalice notices this and goes, Neil, tell them the truth. He's actually an international secret spy

specializing in sex That's right We're his entourage I'm Turtle, that's Donnie Drama You're not supposed to say I know, but they are your good friends They deserve to know You're right, they should know

Thank you so much I'm an international spy I'm currently on assignment And I was not planning to tell you, but I know I can trust you two. Okay, give me another deception check. You're gonna roll with advantage because Chalice helped. Okay.

It was a three and a sixteen. Okay. With a sixteen, you see in the eyes of Dix that they're, like, wide-eyed and believe in you. Oh my gosh. Well i we i you didn't have to tell us i'm so sorry he won't even fire me he's a great boss and the pto is unbelievable i'm barely at work and as y'all are saying this they're kind of ushering you in and like pushing

you inside and now you're aboard the galleon and you see a huge dining room table has been set up in the middle of their dining room. And there is like more than enough seats for everyone. And it seems like plenty of food cooked masterfully, at least by the aromas that you're getting off of it. Hmm. Kind of sucks in here, doesn't it? Yeah. What's that smell? Ew. Ew. Kind of sucks in here, doesn't it? Yeah. What's that smell?

Ew. Ew. Yeah, ew. Guys, just be honest. It's awesome in here. Yeah. No. No, no, no.

Your yacht is way nicer. I'm sure it is. Oh, my God. If you're an international spy specializing in sex, I mean, that's amazing. I know.

I have a concentration in sex and then on the side, I do car flipping. Whoa. Yeah. Like as a stunt person or like as in? No, practically. For useful purposes. Gosh, and you used to see him?

I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. It's okay. No problem. Anyway, let's talk about you. We've been going on and on about my largesse. What's next for you after this wonderful anniversary you're celebrating?

Yeah, you guys going to have kids? We are talking about expanding the family. I don't know if you're familiar with Nepal, but I think there's a few beautiful orphans there that, well, if we could, we'd invite them all in. And we just might. Isn't that right, Dix? And Neil cannot take it.

Neil is, he's feeling every emotion. He's welling up. He's hot from anger. He can't keep it in. And everyone else is starting to notice around him. Oh, no. He's going to blow. Neil, oh, my gosh.

Do you want me to get you some cool water or something like that? No! Oh! F*** you! He's rehearsing for a play. No! He's also in a play.

He's the star of the play. We're his entourage. I'm Turtle. That's Donnie Drama. We see Neil procure some sort of beaker of poison from inside his cloak. No! And he's about to use it,

this magical trinket potion at one or both of these people. And I guess what does, yeah, what do my friends think of this? Oh my God. What can I do? Distraction. I punch a cuckoo clock and I break it.

That was expensive. I'm sorry. Uncle Neil, what are you doing? I don't know. I don't know. Hold on. I hate them. I hate expensive. I'm sorry. Uncle Neil, what are you doing? I don't know. I don't know. Hold on. I hate them.

I hate you. I want you dead. Can I use suggestion on him? Sure. You suggest a course of activity limited to a sentence or two and magically influence a creature you can see within range

that can hear and understand you. And it has to sound reasonable, the action. And I think there's like a wisdom saving throw. Yeah, the target must make a wisdom saving throw on a failed save. It pursues the course of action you described to the reasonable, the action. And I think there's like a wisdom saving throw. Yeah, the target must make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, it pursues the course of action you described to the best of its ability. Okay. It's a 13. Okay.

Do not poison anyone in the room. I swear I hit it once and it said 20. Is that possible? That is possible. That is possible. Oh, no, it didn't work. Suggestion doesn't work on you. So, Mana, you are free.

Okay. The choice is fully yours to do whatever you want. I throw the potion at Commander Chris, like truly disfiguring him, like turning. He's almost like becoming a creature pirate. Sort of like a- Like from the second Pirates of the Caribbean.

Very that. Very that. And I mean, Dix the Hare is watching in horror as his loved one is transforming. We should have tried harder. It's boom! Okay, why? Take that!

F*** you, Dix. I loved you. Can we hold him back? We should have done that immediately. Why? Take that. F*** you, Dix. I loved you. Can we hold him back? We probably should have done that immediately. Dix is going to use Thunder Wave on all of you. No. You suck.

Good luck with that, pirate bitch. Oh, my gosh. A wave of thunderous force sweeps out from Dix. Oh, no. All of you within this 15-foot cube must make a constitution saving throw. Oh no. On a failed save you're going to take 4 d8 thunder damage. Holy cow. Anybody who didn't

roll above a 14 you are going to take 14 points of damage. Anybody who did roll higher than that you are going to only take half that. So seven. I rolled a five. 13.

Dirty 20. 23. Nice. I got a 17. You are blasted out through either the wall or the front door of this ship. Be gone. Be gone, you monsters. This is why I could never love you because your love is selfish.

It is selfish. Oh my god, he's right No Oh my god, I'm uglier than before Look at me Uncle Neil I'm uglier than before, Chip No, we did a good job We did a good job

I hate you You hate me? I'm not giving you my blood, bitch You did this You threw the poison I didn't do anything You did this. You threw the poison. I didn't do anything. You did this. This was your stupid idea, you asshole.

I'm trying to help. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Chalice is basically dead. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I turn her around because she's talking away from us. Everyone listen to Chalice and Beef is spooning all the food he can get into a bowl. Okay, okay.

Maybe if you apologize, we can move on peacefully and you can find someone else. What? Yeah, apologize to me, Uncle Neil. No, not you, Chip. Well, yeah, probably you too. But first things first, say sorry to Dix, okay? You just hear still like muffled screaming from inside. My face! My face!

My face! Excuse me, I'm just gonna step out. Dix pushes you from behind, Beef, off of like the front porch. The food goes flying everywhere. Listen to me. There is never going to be an apology that I accept from you.

Do you hear me? And I don't care if you're the greatest spy in the entire world. I'm gonna find you. I'm gonna from you. Do you hear me? And I don't care if you're the greatest spy in the entire world. I'm going to find you. I'm going to find you. And I'm going to hurt you. Like you hurt my husband. What if we fix his face, huh?

What if we fix his face? Or make it better. Yeah, look, I'm not going to bother with saying sorry, but I can reverse it, dicks. Then you better f***ing reverse it right now. Whoa. He sounds serious. He sounds really serious. Oh, do I sound serious? Yeah, I'm serious. Fix my husband's face. Can you give

Dix, can you give us a second? I think he's here. Can I give you a second? Yeah, I know he's writhing in agony, but can you give us a second? Can you give us a second? Oh my god. Okay, I'm gonna go get a crossbow. No, no, no. Give it to him. We got it, we got get a crossbow okay okay they walk off tip what do we do we should fix his face was that something that was true do you actually know like I don't even know what to believe anymore it's like do you actually know how to fix this guy's face you're gonna throw more

poison at him and kill him whoa chip sounds serious I I can reverse it I just don't know if I want to I'm bitter I'm sad I'm a petty awful little c**t and I don't know what to do with my feelings Chip Chip you used to be like that teach him how to be more like you

yeah Chip you used to be a little c**t don't beep it when elizabeth says it were you no yeah like okay i i'll admit even now i can be petty i get that i truly i i get that and i've i've killed people for many various reasons and maybe i'm apologetic about that sometimes and maybe it just bothers me enough that I don't apologize sometimes. Honestly, you do you. You already hate me, which I get it. You're not the first. You can make your own choice here. And I think that that's probably a better decision as opposed to me making you do anything that you don't want to do.

I feel like I've already made you do enough today. Okay, fair. That's really fair. Chip has his fingers crossed like, please fix this guy's face. And hey, Neil, on the other side of bitterness is days like today. You got to see the sun. We laughed and laughed on our drive over here. I mean, you're pretty fun and cool

when you're not destroying people's faces. Really? Yeah, and you know what? Chip's the best. A little bit petty. Don't let your emotions get the best of you, man. It's good to be emotional, but

sometimes you just need to take a breath before you throw the poison. Yeah, you're right. I know what I have to do. Dicks. Dicks. Dicks. What the f*** do you want? And Dicks has a crossbow pointed right at your chest.

Here, take this. I'm sorry. What is this? What is it? It's called Reversi-Cursi. It works. This isn't one of your s***y f***ing cereals, is it? No, no.

That hurt. But you know what? Words can't hurt me. Just my perception of those words hurt me. Nice. And Beef's gyrating. He's like, the mojo's coming back. I want you to have this.

Okay, I just pour this on his face? Yeah, yeah. And I want you to know, I know you hate me. Yes. Yes, and this couldn't have gone worse, truly. Correct. And you'll never see me again after this. Yes. And this couldn't have gone worse, truly. Correct. And you'll never see me again after this. Good.

But I just want you to know that I am trying to be better. Oh, my God. I don't f***ing care. And I have to accept that. Uncle Neil. Uncle Neil. Yeah. I care.

Really? Yeah. It can be hard to try and be better. It's really hard. I care. I care, too. Really? Yeah, it can be hard to try and be better. It's really hard. I care. I care too. Really? And Jennifer cares.

Yeah. I care. I care too. Nobody said me, but I do care. Thank you. I couldn't tell. Thank you. You've all been so nice.

Oh my God. Yeah, let's get out of here. Let's go. Let's go. Run, run, run, run, run, run. Let's go. And on the trip back, run, run, run, run, run. And on the trip back, you actually choose to go through town, go through Nipaw. And those same three folks are outside the bar and go, my God, that's him.

That's the guy. You're the Dark Warlock. Hey. Oh, no, he's a ghost. He's a ghost. He's not a ghost. No, I'm not dead. I'm alive.

I'm alive, everyone. Hi. What are you then? So I'm sort of the turtle. No, I'm not dead. I'm alive. I'm alive, everyone. Hi. What are you then? So I'm sort of the turtle. That's the Donnie drama. He's my uncle. What does that mean to us? That means nothing to us. You don't know what an uncle is, you idiots.

That doesn't contextualize my relationship to him. He's his uncle, you three idiots. I guess I'm his nephew. Does that help? Does that help? Oh. All three of them. Oh, it does.

And you know what? And Chalice puts her arm around him. You're going to be seeing a lot more of him in the coming months. He's going to be down here for all the events. I'm doing stuff again. And I certainly hope so. And one guy's kind of giving you a side eye. Frizzle.

What the f*** is that guy's name? Frankel? Frankel. Yeah, that one. Frankel's kind of giving you a side eye. Oh, my God. Ooh. Hi.

Hey. These guys were up for a good time. Wow. Back off. He's taken. I'm his lover. Sorry. No, no. You already. Back off, he's taken. I'm his lover. Sorry. No, no, you already said nephew.

Don't be weird. That was his nephew. That was the guy that was before. Shut the fuck up. Worst wingman ever. Jesus. And now we're going to cut to just outside of Uncle Neil's abode. Thank you all so much.

This was one of the most shocking days of my life. Thank you all. You are not the first person to say that to us. We get that a lot. We get that a lot. So much happened. Neil, it's been an honor from playing your avocado mannequin wife to... Wife?

I mean, mannequin. Were those characters married? Yeah. I salute you, Neil I mean, mannequin. Were those characters married? Yeah. I salute you, Neil. Hey, thank you. Thank you for teaching me that it's okay to kind of be a shithead as long as you try to be less of one. Sort of the whole theme of our

show. Hey, should we give Chip a little moment with his uncle, guys? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Wait, Seb, you're the turtle, and what's B? Johnny Drama. I keep saying Donny Drama, but it's Johnny Drama. Got it, got it.

And then you're Eric Murphy. You're the manager and friend. Ugh. I'm sorry. And they're walking away. Yeah, we're walking. We're walking. So, yeah.

Thanks, bud. Thanks for everything. I appreciate you. Yeah, I appreciate you, bud. Thanks for everything. I appreciate you. Yeah, I appreciate you too. It's been really nice seeing you. I feel like... I'm going to give you the blood. I'm going to give you the blood.

Really? Yeah, I'm going to give you the blood. Cool. I was going to plead. I didn't want you to feel like you had to give some... No, I was going to beg. I was going to get on my knees. It was going to be pathetic. I felt you winding up for a preamble.

I was going to try and say something about how my mom is dead and how I feel like you owed me and stuff like that. But cool. No, it's fine. I've been dangling it over your head all day. Yeah, I've been feeling that. I've been feeling that. And I feel it's the little thing, the small thing that'll help me sleep tonight. Because holy

can you imagine how hard it'll be for me to fall asleep tonight? Tonight, yeah. I'm just going to be a wreck. The bed's comfy, though. The new duvet, I really... Yeah, thank you, and appreciate that. I will say a lot of the housing stuff, not up to code. So you might need to get it changed. Yeah, okay.

I mean, I'll deal with it when I have to. But for today... You know what? How about I'll come back, and I'll fix it. I did a lot of shoddy work today. I'll come back. I'm going to give you the blood. I'm going to give you the blood.

I know, but the thing is, you need to love me. And and as much as you might say that right now, I really do think that we could spend time together, get to know one another so that that love is real because I really want to be alive. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like that, too. I think I'd like that, too. Yeah. So do you want the blood today? No, you got to come. So it's like, it's really specific. You actually have to be there and give me the blood on that specific date and time. Whoa.

Yeah. I was going to say, just bite into my wrist and take what you need. I wish it were that easy. Really wish it were that easy. All right, bud. I'll come by. Do Wednesdays, how do Wednesdays sound for you? I'm open.

You're open. Now that I'm going to be a person again, my schedule is wide open. Okay. Well, we'll I'll come by. Do Wednesdays? How do Wednesdays sound for you? I'm open. You're open. Now that I'm gonna be a person again, my schedule is wide open. Okay, well, we'll fill it up socially. We'll find some stuff. I'm sure the town has events. Yeah. From what I hear, there seems to be dancing on Tuesday nights. Oh. Maybe I'll check that out. Maybe you and Frinkle,

maybe we can figure that out or something. Stop. He doesn't like me. He does like you. Did you see? Stop. Plus, I think he's pretty. He is my type. Is he your type? He is so my me. He does like you. Did you see? Stop. Plus, I think he's pretty. He is my type. Is he your type? He is so my type. Just like... Chalice is snapping her fingers

and his hair color is changing. He's like the kind of guy with no edge. Like, I love guys with no edge. I really didn't get dicks. I thought dicks was ugly. I'm going to be honest. Okay, that actually makes me feel better, you know? Okay.

Because sometimes you're just convinced someone's attractive because they present themselves as attractive. Yeah, or maybe you're attracted to the old version of dicks. Yes. Yeah, and that's in your mind ingrained. It's like the power that he has over me. I could talk forever about dicks. Yes, and let's.

And let's. Now I know what kind of hair it is It all makes sense now Because it's Trix Rapp Yeah It all makes sense now Got it Got it I was unclear

Okay No no I was right with you No no no Most of us got it. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and Mishan Kuo. Arnie Pair wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one.

And of course, we were joined by the wickedly talented Mano Agapian. You can find him on all the socials at Mano Agapian. That's at M-A-N-O-A-G-A-P-I-O-N. Or his drag race podcast, Drag Her on HeadGum. Or his run of improvised spooky movies called Too Spooky, Too Handle on Earwolf Presents, anywhere you find your pods. And y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love.

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