SitcomD&D - S4 E15: The Bard & the Barbecues

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

The gang goes to a concert in order to blow off some steam, but when Beef experiences a psychedelic mushroom-enduced memory of the lead singer holding him as a baby he’s convinced he’s finally found his long-lost father. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsNew Song by:  Arne ParrottTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. The reason why I like orange is for survival. I'm the youngest child. Yes. And the beta. And so in order to survive and get any starbursts at all, I had to acquire a taste for the citrus one. That's why I love the wrappers.

But I love banana Laffy Taffys. No, you don't. That was my favorite candy for a while. That is famously the worst flavor of any candy. I guess I'm just a different. We'll eat glass houses. Your taste in candy is fucking insane, Waleed. It is correct.

You like all the worst candy, so I'd take a seat. You'll eat anything, though, man. I won't eat banana Laffy Taffy. That's for sure. Well, you're not getting any from me. Do you guys like Zowers? Welcome back to Sitcom D&D. What the hell did you just say, Ben?

What's up? What the hell did you just say? Zowers. Zowers. They're like sour Mike and Ikes. Ben, you're on thin ice, man. Okay, I am so sorry. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D,

a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up at a tailgate outside of a concert. But not just any concert, y'all. You guys are at a tailgate outside of a concert. But not just any concert, y'all. You guys are at a Bard and the Barbecues concert.

That's right. The gang is letting off some much-needed steam. You see, Jennifer has won five tickets to a Bard and the Barbecues show on an imp fight. And she treated you all to a day of music and good vibes. And you better believe the Bard and the Barbecues have a dedicated fan base, so there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of BNTB fans partying, smoking, taking shots of barbecue sauce, and of and of course grilling just outside the venue in this sprawling dirt lot that you all find yourselves in and as you walk through this dirt lot you're amazed to see just how much joy and jubilation one event can bring about

hundreds of meatheads and that's you know fans who wear grilled meats on their heads and folks wearing robes and tunics that have been tied and sectioned off by rope and then dyed many different hues, known in this world as tie-dye, laugh and sing and embrace one another as you walk through the lot. And so I'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice! eating and we're rolling dice when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up as step by step our growing pains are improving home and away we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our

friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

In terms of festival wear, Seb is wearing a Chicago Bulls jersey and then has those gloves on that have the LED lights in them. And then it just keeps on trying to do stuff in people's face, being like, check this out, check this out. Oh, and I'm wearing a huge external frame backpacking backpack. Chalice has wires in her hair to give herself like pippy long stocking braids that go up. And she has light up sunglasses.

She's like cut up some shorts. And then she has cut up a bard in the barbecues t-shirt that she's like fastened into a crop top. And she's given Chip a piggyback ride. And Chip is, he hasn't really heard of this band too much before so he's not super into it but he does decide to take like the hottest piece of meat and put on his head so his head is so burnt right now but he's trying to be cool about it. Chip, your head is smoking. It's smoking hot. Beef is wearing, he's unbuttoned all of his buttons.

And the chest hair is out to play. Whoa! Hello. And then he's wearing a Bard in the Barbecue shorts. So it's like, you know where it says you know victoria's secret has pink on the booty it says barbecue question mark on the it says bbq bbq question mark on his um booty and he's ready to get one of those meat hats too and jennifer is

wearing uh a bandana that's been tie-dyed, but as a dress. It's tied around her and it goes to the ground. Cute. Cute. That's sweet to me. So no one's been to a festival before. None of us have ever heard live music outdoors. No.

Y'all, I feel like we are blowing up some much-needed steam. I am happy to be outside, a little bit drunk on barbecue sauce, and with my very best friends in the whole world. Wait, shut up! Shut up! Oh, my God, shut up! Look, there's a perfect party spot right here. Look at this setup that they got, y'all. And Jennifer takes off, and there's, like, a big, kind of like a carriage, but you can tell that it's also, like, a home.

It has a door on the side that's been opened with a big, like of like a carriage, but you can tell that it's also like a home. It has a door on the side that's been open with a big sheet almost, kind of creating a pavilion that comes off of it. And there's a little makeshift picnic table and a bunch of people just having the best time, like singing and joking, playing little games.

And there's a bunch of food out and of course the grill's going. And Jennifer has just inserted herself into the situation and is scarfing food on their table. Right behind you, Jenny. Is this a GA area? Yeah, whose spot is this? Do we got the RV host in the house? Do we have some newcomers here?

Do we have some newcomers here? And an adorable little old lady with huge poofy hair and enormous round spectacles. And she's wearing a tie-dye dress and shawl approaches you, kind of takes your little walking cane and slowly but very friendly comes up to you. She is just beaming. So happy to have more people there. Whoa, so kind of like a bigger version of what Jennifer's wearing. In a way, yeah. Hey, we're matching.

Yeah. And our voices are in a similar area. Yeah. Whoa, you feel like you are a seasoned vet of these things. Have you been coming to these for a while? This is kind of our first time getting out of the house in a while. Oh my, first time? You hear that, everyone?

We've got first timers! And everyone just starts screaming, first timers! Woo, yeah! Well, you never forget your first show. Or should I say, you never remember your first show. Or should I say, you never remember your first show. Why? Yeah, I don't get it. And she hands out little shots of barbecue sauce.

They're in shot glasses. Oh. And there are five on the tray. Well, I mean, ma'am, you got gotta join us in this shot. What's your name? The name's Gertie, but my friends call me Sizzler. Whoa! Way better!

That's a story. Yeah, leave with that next time. Sizzler. You know that's a story. Chalice is sort of in charge of checking all their substances today to make sure they're just fun drugs and not scary drugs um so can i roll to do an investigation check 21 oh 21 uh this is in fact barbecue sauce and it is in fact 100 proof so it is 50 alcohol

and it is also a sauce oh cool now let's go let's go for it. Chalice takes a shot. Yeah, Chip takes a shot. Beef takes a shot. And Seb takes a shot. So if you ever do honestly feel like you're being over-served or something's too much, just find Gertie or find somebody else and let them know. We're all here to take care of each other.

Sizzler, you are a great vibe. I am so happy we stumbled upon you I love you I love you you have such good energy all of you here take some of these bracelets

and she gives you each a friendship bracelet and she makes some hand gestures with her hands it's a P L U and R peace love unity and respect aww thank you so much. How much do we owe you for these? We got to pay you something.

They're too gorgeous. Well, thank you for bringing that up. You do owe me something. Okay. Why did you do that? All right, I'll start doing the dishes. Trying to be nice. I was walking away already.

You all owe me a smile. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, wow. That's it? I was going to charge more and ask for a hug, but we just met. Oh, get over here, Gertie. Get over here.

They do a group hug. Oh, ouch, ouch, ouch. Too hard, too hard. Oh, she's old. She's old. Just kidding. And she squeezes you back. Oh, ow.

Oh, my ass. This short, old person. God, she's strong. Now, Gertie, Sizzler, what's the right way to go here? Do we make our rounds, or should we just kick it with you for the rest of the tailgating session?

You'd honestly do whatever feels right, but I'm not going to let you go before you have one of my famous mushroom skewers hot off the grill. And she gets handed another tray and there's a bunch of mushroom skewers resting on her tray. Chip snatches one and he like de-skewers it on top of his grilled meat hat. And it reheats the entire hat and his head's hot again. Beef already ate them.

Just as a warning, these are hallucinogenic. Some of you have already eaten them. I just... Hey, what's up? And then in that moment, I put it in my mouth. Chip had not.

They were only on his head. Does it seep into his skull and work? That is the question. Give me a constitution check. It's going to be a 50-50 here. Because you have some open wounds on your head. Oh, yeah, from the burns.

From the burns. Oh, it's a hundred disadvantage. It's got to be disadvantage at that point. Dan, his receding hairline, what is up with that? Is that going to... Yeah, that's just... You've got no hair to protect them

from the psilocybin. They're making some good cases against you here, Chip. I rolled a 14. Okay. What? Then it does not seep in, especially if you take it off immediately. I choose to not eat any.

Okay. That's my choice. Yeah. Are you going to leave them on your head or keep them? Oh, yeah. I'll keep them on my head. They look good. Okay.

They look good, right, Tal talus they look so good babe now we like to head in early to get our favorite spot but before we go before we break with our new friends everybody let's all um let's all sing a song i'm getting a good vibe from you right here young man a little one no sing a song we'll follow you sing any song oh no uh beef's getting really nervous and he's shuffling around he's shuffling from side to side uh i mean he like picks a wedgie uh i don't know everyone else starts picking their butt just following suit chip chip notices that beef's like nervous and he's like, actually, Beef, he's not good with lyrics, actually. Oh, that doesn't matter.

Just sounds. We'll follow you. Come on. Beef, let's go. Chalice sort of puts her hand around Beef and then goes over to Sisler and goes, hey, so my friend,

he was an incredible singer, but he had some sort of medical situation. He can't sing anymore. I can't sing anymore. Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't sing anymore. And I'm sad about it.

I'm so sad. Wait, Beef, move your mouth and I will just make noises behind you. And that's basically the same thing, right? There's no point. Oh, I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject. Here, what if you just made music with your body? Slap yourself belly or something. Oh.

Whoa, you do that? I do do that. I never considered my body as an instrument. Beef slaps his belly once. It sounds like a timpani, like a perfectly tuned timpani. Oh, he does a couple more. Well, you're getting it.

Chip, did you hear this? Yeah, yeah. Also, why don't you just try a regular instrument? I can't believe we haven't thought about that in the past couple of seasons. You used to know a bunch of instruments I think his belly works just fine Chip

We're gonna head into the concert You wanna head in there with us now? Yeah Okay Beef's looking at his hands like Oh my god These are my new These can sing My these can sing.

My hands can sing and my belly is my instrument. Chip doesn't want to lose beef, but also doesn't want to distract him. So he picks him up by the waist and lets him continue to have these profound thoughts while just holding him at the waist up in the air. That's so cute. So cute. And before long, you move through the tailgate, you know, dirt lot area. And you make your way into line to get into the actual concert venue, this outdoor venue itself. And there's a security checkpoint there.

And Gertie and the rest of the gang, these veterans, they start to part ways and go into a different line. Oh, I guess we'll have to see you in there because we've got the VIP passes. Do you have VIPs? Oh, we're GA. Do you have VIPs? We're GA. We're GA. Well, we'll see you in there. Okay, love you.

You guys are waiting in line, and it's a little bit of a longer line for the general admission, and you actually hear the concert start up. Bard and the Barbecues have taken the stage. We're missing them. Oh, is this them? This is them. And, oh, they sound good. They don't have an opener?

Chip, you don't get it. I love the pork and the porcupines. They're like my favorite. I love them. I get it. Nope, nope, nope. And why doesn't everyone who actually ate mushrooms give me a constitution check? Uh-oh.

Okay. I rolled a four. Oh, I technically botched because I rolled a one, but plus three. Oh, God. Chalice, you are tripping so hard. Like, basically you can't even... With a botch on a how high are you type of check from mushrooms. Let me roll again.

People are basically shapes at best to you. And they are... Chalice said, let me roll again out loud. Hun, that's nothing. You didn't say anything. say anything no no it's something i'm erin my name's erin i think i might be in california whoa whoa what what i'm looking at a mac computer tip you gotta carry me okay okay you gave me a piggyback ride for about three minutes, and I'll give you one for, I guess, the rest of the episode. Chalice is so high that her arms can't bend like a mannequin, so she's just completely

stiff. Yes. What a beef roll. I rolled a five. Oh, God. Also very high. Maybe not as high as Chalice. Thank God you didn't get high, Chip.

I know. You can still tell who is who around here and take in your surroundings and move through the world, but you are, for all intents and purposes, very compromised and could not come off sober in a typical conversation. Aaron Keefe. No. Aaron Keefe. You don't know anyone named Aaron Keefe. I don't? You don Keefe. No. Aaron Keefe. You don't know anyone named Aaron Keefe. I don't?

If you don't know anybody. No. I don't. No, no, no, no. I know all the people you know, and that's not one of them. I rolled a 22. Oh, thank God. Drugs don't affect Seb.

Seb, you've- Oh, I think I'm feeling it. Yeah, Aaron Keefe. Seb is the lead of this friend group. As y'all are moving a little bit closer to the front of the line, you can start to hear the music pretty clearly now. And you can hear that the Bard and the Barbecue

are in the middle of one of their more popular songs. And it sounds a little something like this. Beef, because you are very high and compromised, you have, I don't want to call it a religious experience, but it is a very intense experience in which you are blasted back to a memory from when you were very young. A memory that you can't remember remembering ever before. And what you see is the lead singer of the Bard and the Barbecues holding you. Like a father would hold a baby. It is a family episode.

And you are blasted back from this very authentic memory. Beef? Hey, Beef, you okay? You keep saying baby. Baby Eric Keefe. Baby Eric Keefe. Oh my God. Beef, that's my dad.

That guy in line? No, that guy. And Beef points to the stage. You have us like, it's far away, but you have a slight visual of the like major images that are being casted above the stage to see it like blown up and you see the band playing and the lead singer of the bar and the barbecues that's your papa damn i wish i was high this would be so much fun except you're like super high right now dude that's right that's right chip winks at him

yeah you're part of it beef Beef's like rubbing his eye, like his head to get, like he's like rubbing his eyes and his hair and he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm pretty certain. I had a vision. I believe Beef.

Yeah, let's go talk to him. I believe you in your very high state. Let's go in there. All right, tickets. Can I see your tickets? Jennifer, Jennifer, if you want to show the tickets uh jennifer tickets please take your time and jennifer is nowhere to be seen

jay dog oh we got a line behind you you either have tickets or you don't we do we do have tickets so you can just let us in and our friend jenn will give them to you later. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, thank God. Oh, okay. Yeah. Jennifer. Oh. Yeah, that's the guy that wants the tickets, and you're the person with the tickets.

And I'm the person who just gambled away the tickets. No, that would be crazy, but seriously, go ahead and do it. No, that happened. Chalice is looking at Jennifer, but her vision is sort of glitching and it looks like Sean for a second and then Jennifer back to Sean and then Jennifer.

Her eyes are getting wide every time it looks like Sean. Oh my God, you love me. I think I might. What the f***? Whoa. Okay, so Jennifer, how about we just go ask for whoever you lost him to? Let's get him back because that guy is Beef's dad.

I saw it so clearly. He was holding me like a baby, Keith. Whoa. What? Like, in a literal sense We think this is Beef's dad Yeah Jennifer Who did you lose the tickets to?

Maybe we can win them back Or steal them back Okay we can try Follow me I'll take you to where I lost them We'll be right back sir With those tickets Yeah hold our place

Whatever And Beef was saying that to a pole place. Whatever. And Beef was saying that to a pole. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that.

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So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Jennifer takes you to a campsite or, you know, another spot where there's another carriage and there's some people still hanging out there. And there's a big circle around an imp fight. And there seems to be one person there who's really, you know, running the show. All right, we'll take it bets for the next one person there who's really, you know, running the show. Alright, we're taking bets for the next one. Who's got bets on the next round? We got

blue shorts and red shorts. Who's taking who? What about brown shorts? I want to submit myself for the fight to win the tickets back. Whoa. And there's like a bunch of murmuring around the people who are watching this show.

Can they do that? I don't even think that's allowed. But Beef, you don't have that killer instinct. You don't got that dog inside you. And you're not an imp. That too. What is an imp? Yeah, an imp is basically like a little flying demon looking thing

that has the ability to shapeshift. And so in this world, it's kind of like rock, paper, scissors, whether you're going to throw a rat, a spider, or a raven. All right. Can I do the fight, or do I have to be the guy?

Well, let's see here. I mean, I need to run a business. So is everyone else, would you still be down to bet on this fight if this guy was in it? Seb is covering his mouth going, yeah. Yeah, I'm Rudebaker, Rudebaker, Rudebaker. I love that. That sounds like a fun way to bet. Yeah, I love gambling.

I have a problem. The general consensus as of right now is that people aren't into that. Well, I'd like to persuade the audience. Okay. What do you say? What do you do? Everyone, I know I'm not one of your little nymphomaniacs, but I... No.

Imp. Imp. It's imp. Oh, thank you, Chip. You added so many syllables. Thank you, Aaron Keefe. And I'd like to submit myself to the fight because that man on that stage, that man is my father. And I've never met him before.

And I want him to hold me. And I want to say, good job, daddy, after the show. And are you going to deny that? Are you going to deny me, a little cute guy, his daddy? If you let me fight this and win those tickets, you guys will see a reunion for the ages. Okay. Is it eight plus eight? The crowd kind of starts whispering to each other.

And then someone who looks like they have a lot of kind of social sway here gives a thumbs up to the guy running the show. And for those who are more sober in this moment, it seems like what just went down is that beef looks super high. And like someone people would love to see get beaten up by an imp. Super high and like someone people would love to see get beaten up by an imp. And so he's like, all right, great. I guess we're doing this then. Okay. So brown shorts, you're going to be over in this corner.

All right. Get him prepped and ready for the fight here. And then we'll go with the red shorts imp. Okay. You can go in that corner. Chip, Chip, what did I just do? No, you got this. Hey, Beef, you got this.

You've never done this before, and you're up against what seems to be a veteran who's won the last 20 matches or so, but you got this. And he pats his little bum and kicks his little bum, and then Chip squats down, uses disguise self on himself to turn into an elf, something that doesn't look like himself. And then he walks up to the guy

who's leading in charge. He's like, Hey, I bet you a couple tickets that that guy loses, the little brown shorts guy, that he loses real bad. All right. We're about to close bets,

but you can sneak one in. How many tickets are you betting? You know what? Four tickets only. That knocked the wind out of me. She gets what she deserves. Are you sure he's talking about Jennifer? Because maybe Chalice is too high to go in.

You don't know he's talking about Jennifer. I think we all know. We all know. And actually, I want to bet four VIP tickets. Ooh, smart. Four VIP tickets. All right. And if we come to collect and you don't have it, then we kill you.

Okay. And moving on. My head is so hot right now. All right, ladies and gents, we're going to have ourselves a clean fight. All righty. Brown shorts approach, red shorts approach. And Beef, you see this imp.

You should just Google search D&D imp for me real quick, Elizabeth, so you know what you're up against. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. You have like a scorpion tail, I didn't realize. Uh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. They have like a scorpion tail I didn't realize. And the fight's about to start against this imp-facing beef, snarling spit

that looks acidic, kind of dripping out of its jaw and steaming as it hits the dirt on the ground. I would also like to put a bet in if there's still time. There is not and then he leans over to the side he's like I'm just giving you a hard time newcomer

what do you want to do also against beef what the hell guys just kidding I really don't think it's going to go well what are you betting four more VIP tickets four more have we done a bet before chip's elf character is like shaking his head no no no no i just always say more more more because

i'm i'm i'm addicted to capitalism and i just want more of it you know what i mean you got your four more on red shorts okay i? I would like to make a bet. All right. This is the last bet. Last bet, everyone. All right. Chalice is looking over at Beef, and Beef is glitching and starting to have blonde curly hair and bangs like Elizabeth. I would like to bet that Beef will win, and I would like to bet one backstage pass.

All right. One backstage pass. Uh right. One backstage pass. Uh-oh. This could get messy. What? Mm-hmm. What? And then she goes over to Seb and Chip and goes,

we'll just have to kill them no matter what. We'll just have to fight for our lives no matter what. This way it makes it clean. Okay, hon. All right, so we want a good, clean fight here. And we've got our two fighters. The rules are there are no rules. Last person standing wins.

And let the games begin. Ding, ding, ding. Is this to the death? We did not ask a single question. I'm worried this is to the death. Beef, roll for initiative here. Five. Beef, right before your eyes, this thing lunges at you,

like it flies, swoops right at you. No thanks. Right as it's about to attack you, turns completely invisible. Oh. Okay. Okay. Two can play at this game. Can two play at this game?

Beef touches himself and he goes invisible The crowd gasps for a second time Insane way to say that Absolutely insane Okay Yeah, two can play at this game I'm screaming It hears you scream that

Oh yeah And is going to use Basically sonar To try to sting In that general direction Interesting Now I'm gonna give a disadvantage On its attack roll

Because you are invisible Thank you But it did hear you Oh my god Okay so it rolled A 17 Does that hit? Yeah It hits Oh no And it does Six damage Oh my God. Okay, so it rolled a 17. Does that hit? Yeah, it hits.

Oh no. And it does six damage. Not great. Oh, and then you have to make a constitution saving throw. All right. 18. Okay, so you passed. So altogether you took 11 damage here.

Okay. Chip pumps his fist and high fives Seb. Yes. Ow, too hard. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I kiss his boo-boo. And then Beef, once the sting happens though, it hurts like all hell.

That big scorpion tail that's on the back of this imp. Yeah. The whole imp and including the tail suddenly become invisible because it did an attack, and that stinger is in, essentially, your belly button right in front of you. Chalice is thinking about how they could have maybe just forged the tickets.

I feel like that could have been an easier way. I want to do shatter. Okay. Can I say stand back? I'm about to blow some ass or something. You can say that. I think that's anatter. Can I say stand back? I'm about to blow some ass or something. You can say that. I think that's an example. Very lofty.

All right, people, people, everyone stand back. I'm about to blow some ass. Let's see how much damage this is gonna do where this ear-pier piercing sound wreaks havoc on this imp that's flying just in front of you. So 15 total and the imp rolls

a 5. So that sound goes off it's a super loud ringing and then all of a sudden you hear like a and it's kind of like that scene in Mission Impossible 3 where that little bomb goes off in Keri Russell's brain and then she goes cross-eyed.

It's kind of like that with the imp. Oh, my God. It falls to the ground and there's hushed silence. And then half of the crowd erupts in a huge cheer. Oh! Timmy Lee having bet on beef. We've got a winner! What did I do?

Chip squats down, undisguises himself, and stands back up as Chip and, like, brushes off his shoulders. Like, okay, that guy's not going to come after me now. Oh, shit. I didn't do that. Yeah. Yeah, Seb, you didn't do that. Yeah. Yeah, Seb. You're on your own, man.

Here is your one backstage pass. Congratulations. Good bet. All right. I'm going to go make good on my bet, but I just got to get my wallet, and it's right over there. And I walk around a corner,

and then there's a busy street, and you see a bunch of cars, and I throw a dummy in front of those and don't make him roll for anything just let it be I'm gonna have you roll give me a check give me a check

you get to pick what it is you get to pick what the check is okay this feels like survival at this point I'm not even gonna survival okay okay I won't even gonna survive. Okay. Okay, I won't even give you a disadvantage. I love the idea. It made me laugh. This is a straight

survival check. Okay. Alright, 17 plus 5, so 22. Oh my god! Okay, so they're like, oh, well, hurry back, and we're having someone go with you. And they had two people follow you, and just as you're about to go into oncoming traffic, all they see is your body fly into the traffic.

What are they doing? And get hit and just basically incinerate, explode. No! Seb! No! Seb, no! I'm sorry! Chalice is living a hundred lifetimes in her head,

watching Ben die and Seb die. No, please! Beef thinks it's a joke, so he's laughing. He's laughing. He's like, that's funny, Seb. All right, and then Seb, wearing thick frame glasses, just kind of floats up from the bottom of the frame, like right next to them. Yay! Well, this was fun. Thanks so much, Chalice, for making that bet. frame glasses just kind of floats up from the bottom of the frame.

Yay. Well, this is fun. Thanks so much. Chalice for making that bet. One backstage pass for Jennifer. No, no.

Fun out here guys. Uh, Chalice snatches the backstage pass away from Jennifer and hands it to beef. Oh, I had it. Yeah. Why did you even give it to her? I'm high.

Uh, Chalice puts her hand around beef as she's handing him the ticket, knowing that what she's about to say might upset him because they put his life on the line. I forgot that I have suggestion as a spell. So why don't we go up to the front and I can try to get us in that way. I can't believe you voted for me, Chalice. That's so nice.

Sean, can I try to go up to the ticket guy and use suggestion to have him let us in? Yeah, y'all find yourselves in line. You're back in line. You get to the front, and the same security guard is there. Oh, don't waste my time. Chip is confused why this stranger is so following us.

Sir, sir, do you mind? Okay, it's kind of just the three of us we're mourning over our dead friend and trying to find our other friend's dad could you please just back away what me yes you please go away we don't know who you are we don't care about you maybe this will remind you and i start doing those things with my light gloves in your face. Does this do anything for you? Can I do a history check to see if it does anything for me? Sure.

Okay, I rolled a 19. Oh, guys, he's alive! He's alive! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. You can't keep coming to the front of my line and wasting my time. Sir, sir, sir, sir. And Talos is going to use suggestion.

And she goes, hey, the show's already started. We actually have a backstage pass. We won't be able to use this backstage pass if we can't get in. I know you want to be a good guy. We really did have tickets before. Please let us in. They rolled a three. All right. Come on in. let us in. They rolled a three. Alright. Come on in.

Come on in. Just don't make a big deal of it. I am a good guy. Cool. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Bye, Sean. Thank you, Sean. Bye, Sean. And you guys are now in the concert venue, and oh, man,

is it a different feel and vibe. Even 10, 15 steps in past security. You are no longer in the dirt lot. You are in the concert outdoor arena. And again, you've been to kind of similar vibes like this before where it's almost Coliseum-esque. It's not that big, but there are stone, almost like bleachers, and that go up and up and up and built into rows into a hillside. And so it's kind of like this concert's actually happening in the round almost,

but at like a very extreme type of scale. And people are just dancing and laughing and singing along. And everyone seems to be having just the best time. Oh, and the band is ripping. You see the Bard and the Barbecues tearing it up. And at the front of the stage is the lead singer, the Bard himself, who is a shorter man. I mean, he's a halfling. And he is wearing a long tunic that is essentially just a very oversized Hawaiian Tommy Bahama party shirt. And he's

bald on top with curly hair around the sides. Oh my god! He looks just like me, doesn't he? He looks exactly like you. Get your hopes up. Well, but also if he's not your dad, that's okay too, right? Right, Beef?

There's no way this guy ain't my dad. Look at him. He's ripping that loony flute. He's ripping it like someone from my family would rip it. Can we try to get closer to the stage? Can we sort of push our way forward? So while just pushing through it normally without any checks having to happen, you are about halfway from entering security to the stage.

You've made it about halfway before it gets so densely packed that you have to do something in order to move further. Does that make sense? Can we like climb on chip or something? Cause chips are biggest guy. I mean, beef, if you want me to get you close to the guy.

Oh my God. Throw me pretty solid way of doing it. But beef, I'm picking up beef and I'm holding him and I'm getting like squatted into my throwing position. I'm like beef, just so you know, if I'm getting like squatted into my throwing position. I'm like, beef, just so you know, if this guy's not your dad, that's okay. You know, you're your own special person. And just because this guy's famous, like, you know, he doesn't have to be related to you and that's okay.

Totally, Waleed. Now throw my ass. That's not a word. I throw beef as far as I possibly can. Alright, give me a strength check, Chip. Chip, great idea. Great first impression to make on your dad you've never met. Interrupting his show

and knocking him over like a bowling pin. Chalice, there's no way that this... Beef's high as shit. There's no way. This is just a coincidence that they look alike. A short, bald guy, there's a billion of those in the world.

I'm going to say you guys are halfway to the stage, so you're probably 50 meters away. It's a significant distance away. And to get Beef all the way there, I'm going to say the strength check has to be a 20 or above. Oh! Okay, 16 plus 5.

21. Chip really musters his strength here and rockets beef into the air. And beef, you do an amazing job of becoming a human torpedo or a halfling torpedo. I'm going so fast that my head breaks the sound barrier a little bit and there's a little bit of heat coming off of me. Give me a, let's get an acrobatics check, Beef, to see how this landing goes once you hit the stage. Oh, yeah, of course. 11 plus four. Okay, with a 15,

it's not the most incredible professional level acrobatic move, but it looks intentional. When you hit the stage, you do what a great stunt person would do, and instead of just letting your body take the entire impact, you turn it into a somersault or a forward roll. And then you stand up and you are uninjured. Now standing on stage next to the lead singer,

the bard and the barbecues and the barbecues are, they are a bunch of Mike and it's, so they are basically humanoid mushroom people and they're ripping their instruments. And they're just like as professional as ever they've seen a lot of shit they tour like 48 weeks out of the year and they've seen it all so they're just still like kind of playing along but definitely like giving you a very intense and worrisome side eye uh they're all at an 11 alert. Go, Beef!

Beef! Beef's going to start drumming his belly to the song that they're playing. Brilliant. Okay. Can I roll for performance? You can. You actually have to. I actually have to.

I got a nat 20! Let's go! Let's go! Yes! That's perfect! Plus 8. Oh my god. I've thought about this.

There is no way to explain to someone who doesn't play D&D how good it feels to have someone that you're playing D&D with rolling that 20 at the perfect time. There's no way to explain that in a cool way to someone. No, it feels so good. It makes you so happy. I'm beaming. Oh, I'm beaming. Okay. What is this belly solo or belly instrumentation sound like or look like? He rips his shirt off all the way. I mean, it's already kind of, but he takes it all the way off. He goes over and gets some like ale, piss ale,

and he like drops it all over his body, all over his chest and all of his chest hair. And he's like rubbing up and he's like let's go let's rock and then he starts going like freaking never seen his hands fly so hard on his belly they notice that you're just kind of getting the crowd hyped and slapping your belly and they're like okay he's not like a danger to us you know in any way otherwise you know security's gonna get involved right away uh and as soon as you start playing your belly they just kind of take notice of it like wow he's actually like on beat but no one's really hearing it you know and then they notice that okay wait we just changed the time signatures that we were in

and it was like pretty complex changes that we made. And this guy's keeping up with them and adding amazing flair to it. And they give you, there's a head nod to a roadie, and they mic up your belly. And then you're just ripping it, and everyone's going absolutely nuts there. Scootoo! Scootoo! Let's rock! Chalice, and this is not an exaggeration because chalice is so high this is the best moment of her life so far

that's not hyperbolic this is the best moment of her life uh seb is drinking some orange juice hoping that'll you know make the psilocybin hit a little bit harder really he's just kind of feeling a little tired right now

chip turns to the guy next to him and like that's actually Hi, Derek. Really? He's just kind of feeling a little tired right now. Chip turns to the guy next to him and like, that's actually, that's my friend up there. I actually threw him. Did you see me? Chip, it's me. I'm Seb. Oh, sorry. I still thought you were dead.

And you're not the high one. And you're not the high one. And you're not the high one. Not a bit. These mushrooms seep into my head? Yeah, right. That's not a thing. Give me a constitution check. Thank you.

Looks at Sean. Thank you. You really dated that one. Lelid wants to have fun. A six. He did a little cute little high high. That's so cute. That's so cute. It seeps in. He's high. He did a little cute little high high. So cute. So cute. It seeps in.

He's high. He's like, What the hell? I know what Waleed means now. Yay! She gives him a big hug. Talis is really cheesing. And the Bart and the Barbecues plus special guest Beef have a huge crescendo at the end of this song.

And a bam, bam, bam. And then the whole audience just goes nuts. They're screaming along right with y'all. And off the mic, the Bard leans over to Beef and goes, That was pretty awesome, little man. Why don't you head backstage and we'll meet you back after the show. Sounds good. All right.

Give it up for our special guest! And what was your name? My name's Beef. I mean, my name's Beef. Beef! Everyone screams, Beef, Beef, Beef, Beef. And I would say like 30% of the crowd realizes that you are Beef, a famous musician in your own right.

I'd like to take this moment. He takes a little silent moment to himself where he realizes he's missed this feeling. He hasn't had this feeling in a really long time. feeling. He hasn't had this feeling in a really long time. And he is happy and also melancholy that he still can't sing, but he's still appreciating this moment. And the Bard and the Barbecues are letting you have that moment. They're really leaving space for it and just taking a step away from their mics and just clapping and staring at you and like, yeah,

take it in. Oh, my God. Beef goes center stage and he takes a bow. They kind of move one of the mics away from you. They thought that you were going to maybe just do a whole other thing. But once they see you're just taking a bow, they're very cool with it. And center bow happens and people are chanting Beef. The whole audience is very ecstatic about this.

Like, oh, what a crazy special guest for those who are in the know. And after you're done with your bow, do you head off stage? Yeah, yeah. I bound off. Can the rest of the gang make their way now backstage and try and maybe parlay their one backstage pass that they have? Plus, you know, maybe the fact that we know Beef and try and turn that into all of us getting backstage. Yeah, definitely. So there is another security person,

a big, beefy brute, who looks a lot like the original security guy that was at the main entrance, is now guarding kind of like the backstage area, and that's who you're coming up to now. Oh, that's far enough. Oh, we actually have a backstage pass. Oh, what?

Who's got it? Oh, it's a group pass. I handed it to Beef. I did. I can't lie about it. That did happen. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, so, you know what i mean um uh yeah so you know beef just on stage i don't watch the shows why not they're great yeah and you're right here whatever lava rocks

or whatever they are this ain't the law in the lava rocks chalice just remembers that she has minor illusion so can i use minor illusion i was so tempted to say and chalice just remembers that she has minor illusion. So can I use minor illusion? I was so tempted to say, and Chalice says that out loud. Chalice remembers that she has minor illusion. Amazing. What are you going to do? I'm going to create, do I want Jennifer to come? She's saying this all out loud.

Do I want Jennifer to come? Yes. Four backstage passes. One, two, three. That's enough for me. And she just holds them up. Now, you know, based on watching people go through before you, that he typically does touch it and inspect it.

So is there anything you're going to do to make it so that he doesn't? Chalice does the grossest fake sneeze into the hand that she's holding the ticket for. Alright, give me... Performance? I think that would be fair. Okay, give me a performance check. Nat 20.

Oh my gosh. What does this sneeze look like? She shows up, baby. Chalice, she tries to fake sneeze and it tickles her nose in such a way that it's the grossest real sneeze that she could possibly do. So much comes out.

So much comes out. Han, you know you're incredibly contagious. Make sure to keep that to yourself. I know. Oh God. All right. I don't know why you just didn't show me these right away. Just get in there. We like to have fun, Bucko. He knows my name. So when you go into VIP, you actually go downstairs and then there's like a whole like logistics area where like big wagons and stuff come through so you're now in the green room

giant wagon where there's a bunch of like pillows and sofas and stuff to lounge on and beef has made himself king of the castle and uh is helping himself to some of the finger foods in there beef holy shit oh my god you guys you made Holy cow. You were crazy up there. That was awesome. That's the best day of my life. Can you see me up there? Oh, my God. It's the best day of my life. Holy hell.

Are you going to tell him, Beef? Are you going to tell him that he's your dad? How are you going to do this when he gets back here? Yeah, I was just waiting for him to come back here. And I was going to, you guys will be here when I tell him. I can't believe it. But also, Beef, remember, like, if he's not your dad, let's, like, switch places with him or something.

Yeah. Huh? Like, if you're not his dad, you've got to take all his clothes and you can be him for the rest of your life. For real? You can do that? Chips high now. What do we accomplish by doing that?

Hold on. Wait, wait, hold on. Just, just, just, just. Have you guys tried these little Sammies? They're delicious. Okay, those are my hands. Yeah, you are chewing on Seb's hand. Sorry, did I say Sammies?

I meant handies. And you hear just outside of the room and on stage. Thank you so much, Fraser. You've been wonderful. You're welcome. Please, we'll see you next time around. Don't be strangers. And remember, stay saucy.

And everyone's going crazy and screaming and just having an all-out time. It was a 10 out of 10 show. This is going to be on the discussion boards of the Bards and the Barbecues for a very long time. This was like such an epic show. And before long, you hear the band walking down the steps, you know, with that post-show energy,

talking rather loudly, like, oh, great show, guys, great show, great set. And before long, the bard himself is uh in the green room oh oh mr bard mr barbecue beef what incredible why don't you tell me you were gonna come crash the show oh my god i just i had no. I didn't even think I was going to be able to get in. Oh, you got in, all right. And he gives you a big hug. That was incredible. You guys are actually pretty good.

We like to dig so. Chalice is putting sandwiches in Chip's mouth to get him to not talk to them. You, you were incredible. I mean, look at us. Could someone do a quick sketch or something. I mean, look at us. Could someone do a quick sketch or something? I mean, look at us.

Son and father, father and son finally together. Beg your pardon? I mean, look at us. Yeah, look at us. Oh, I get it. Yeah. We look alike. He's right. Look at us. Yeah, look at us. We look so much alike. Look at us. Someone do a sketch. He's right. Look at this. Yeah, look at it. We look so much alike. Look at us.

Someone do a sketch. He's right. Sketch us. No, sir. What our beef is trying to say is you're his dad. Oh, all right. I am a little bit older. Fair enough. I get it.

No, no, sir. I think what my friend beef is trying to say is he's your son. Okay. I get it. He is younger chalice walks over to him and shakes his hand and can i send him the memory of beef having the realization that he's his dad he has to consent to it first yeah so you want to share your memory of watching beef have a realization yeah just to bring him up to speed. Okay.

Yeah, he's like, what, you want to? Do you mind if I show you something? All right, I'll try anything twice. Here we go, I'm open to it. And he sees through Chalice's eyes, Beef realizing that we're having this memory of him being his- Screaming baby, screaming Aaron baby, Aaron baby. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

But he experiences Chalice's emotions, which are, oh, wow, we discovered who my friend's dad is. And so he feels that truth. He goes, oh, oh, you really think that I'm your dad? Of course. Well, I thought some other people were my mom and dad but they turned out to be goblins dressed up in like crazy stuff so but you make way more sense you're a musician look at your hair look we could rub the top of our heads together for fun oh dad it's you you're not a gob are you? I'm not a goblin.

I wouldn't be opposed to rubbing heads. It does sound fun. But can we actually want to step off to the side here? Oh, sure. Sorry, guys. It's a little son-father moment. No worries. Hop, hop, hop, hop.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. Those are my hands, Chip. I like a good hand. It's a little son-father moment. No worries. Those are my hands, Chip. I like a good hand. Beef, I can't be your dad. Sure you can. I mean, it's okay. You can tell. It's okay.

It's just you and me. Beef, I've never had sex. Excuse me? I've never had sex. Excuse me? I've never had sex. It's just never really interested me, to be honest. Well, you don't have to have sex to have a child. Okay, let's get everybody back in. Hey, friends, come on over.

I don't know if you overheard me, but I can't be Beef's father. I've never had sex before. You don't have to have sex to be a parent. That's true in the sense of being what it means to be a parent, but biologically. That's what I meant to say. What? Beef, you're back here too? You got backstage passes? And you look over and you see Gertie, a.k.a. Sizzler, with their backstage pass, is right there as well.

Oh, my goodness. Look at this. How amazing. Miss Sizzler. I just met my dad. Me and my friends were debating if that really was you on stage. It was you, wasn't it? Yeah, that was me.

That was me. I did the thing with my belly. You saw that, Gertie? I did. And wait, the bard is your dad? Yeah, he is. This is crazy, isn't it? I was just explaining that I wasn't, actually. But you held him as a baby. Why would you have held him as a baby if you weren't his dad? And you all see that Gertie is actually making the face that Beef was making earlier in the episode

when Beef had a huge realization and a past memory. And Gertie is having a memory and a flashback of when she handed off a small halfling baby backstage to get autographed by the bard himself. What a smoking gun in the first act. Oh, my God. Sean! Wait. So this isn't a tattoo?

And Beef raises his pants a little and there's like a signature of Bart at the barbecue on his ass. Beef, do you not wash your ass? I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Chelsea, you owe me a lot of gold.

Yeah, I do. Oh my god. Holy cow. That is my signature. Oh, my God. And Gertie looks very similar to how she always looks because she's very happy, but it's on a whole new level right now as tears are, happy tears are just pouring down her cheeks. And she goes, oh, my God.

I thought I felt a connection with you, but I didn't put two and two together. I've never really gotten my hopes up that I'd ever see you again. Okay, so what it sounds like is you kidnapped Beef as a baby, brought him to concerts. Beef, you are my grandson. What? Beef, like, kind of, like, when meals back, like, his arms start flailing. You are my grandson. What? Beef kind of windmills back. His arms start flailing.

He's been pushed, and he's falling for forever. His arms are just flailing. Oh, what? Chip is holding him up and pushes him back. I wouldn't just say this. The only reason that I feel sure is because, well, look. And she gets out a necklace that looks a lot like your wet necklace, but it says get instead of it. Oh, my God.

Wet get. Wet is not a word. Wet is initials. This is mine. Mine's get. Yours is W-E-T. Oh, I don't have the emotional capacity to learn two of my friends' real names. It's Roy.

I actually don't know if I have this. W-R-O-Y. Beef, can your name not be Roy, please? Well, it's not Roy. I think there's no R. Beef, your name will always be whatever you want it to be. But your birth name is W-E-T. Waldo Einstein Tartar.

Wait, wait. Beef's last name is Tartar? Like the beef. Convenient. Waldo. Oh, like the beef. Convenient. Waldo. Oh, like the beef. I didn't even think of that. Please.

My friend's names are Waldo and Roy. Chalice is like looking over at Seb suspiciously. What's your name? And I'm Gertrude Enchilada Tartar. You're my grandma. And she just gives you a big smile and a big hug. And even though you've never been an adult or even someone who could walk on two feet and giving your grandma a hug, it feels very familial and nostalgic on a very primal, deep level.

Chip can't help himself. He runs up to them, grabs them both, and tosses them in the air so that they spin as they're hugging in the air. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I can't help myself. We're going to just jump forward a little bit in time where it's just Beef and Gertie sitting on the stage after everyone's left.

And they're just kind of, their feet are dangling and kicking off the stage and the two of them are talking. So what was like mom and dad like? Or what was dad like? Or what was mom like? Or what was mom like? Or what were you like? What did you do for work?

Did you have a car? Did you drive? Did you raise your kids? Did you have grandma? Do you, what's your favorite color? Oh man, there's so much to know about you. Your mother was my daughter. Yes.

Wow. You have her hands. I mean, I guess she would have your hands. Whose hands are these? That's the thing of it. Our hands belong to everyone, to the world. And you have the hands of a musician. That's what that means. They belong to everyone. Did you play, Granny? No. I had a love for music, but I always just wanted to enjoy it. I never really wanted to play. Same with your mother. She, though, she was a singer.

Does that mean that, um, that she's not around anymore? Oh, um, yes, she passed some years ago now. I'm so sorry. That's okay. I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I just always kind of played it in my head what I would say to her if I got to see her. But, you know, it's okay. Well, you know, sometimes you should just still say it. Maybe in a quiet, peaceful

place. I like to think that people can still hear those sorts of things. And I'll have you know this. She died a hero. Really? Yeah, there was a runaway carriage was

headed straight for a busy park full of children. This is true. And it was about to crash into a sandwich cart, but your mother pushed it out of the way. And she didn't survive her injuries, but not a single sandwich

was lost. That sounds like my mom. She was special. And the other one that made me. Yes, well, both your parents are no longer with us. Although I can't tell you much about the other parent, because your mom said that it was more of like an immaculate conception. So I don't know if it was like with a god or a deity.

You know probably as much as I do in that regard of who the other parent was. Wow, what a mystery that's waiting to be solved. Can I ask you a question? Sure. Are you busy at the end of the season? Not particularly. The Bard and the Barbecues are going to be moving their tour to Niles around the end of the season, so I won't, you know, following them around and enjoying these shows is a full-time gigging of itself. Yeah, I don't want to impose, but so I've been cursed, and the whole, all of my friends have been cursed.

Oh. my friends have been cursed and we're all gonna die at the end of the season for real unless we have someone from our family show up and bring a thing of their blood oh well of course uh i'll i'll be wherever you need me to be eve gertie you're like the coolest grandma a little bard could ask for. As long as it doesn't conflict with, um, well, with my treatments, I have to go in every so often to... Get treats? Yeah, something like that, just to try to get better. Oh, don't worry about it. I'll be there, alright? Okay, wow. Wow. So this is what it's like, huh? This is what it's like. I missed you. I didn't think I could even allow myself to miss you, but I missed you. Yeah, I was raised by pigs.

No shit. I just wanted to say, Granny, this is what I wanted to say to my mom, but I'll say it to you, which feels just as good. I love you. I love you, too. I really do. And she gives you a big hug. Chalice, Chip, and Seb have done another round of mushrooms, and they're laying on the grass in front of the stage. And Chip and Chalice are just fully talking

as Aaron and Malit. Yeah, and my name is something that's also three letters, like Dan. Your name's Ben. Your name's Ben. We're telling you your name's Ben. I know I've been away for a very long time I've told a few jokes and I've rode a few rides

But my boots are worn and my hands are tired And I'm just not bored at all And you are on my mind so I'm coming home See you next time. editing on this one. And y'all, I got to tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into this show that we really do love. And it really is a show. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 85 hours of content instantly. That's 85 different episodes of good, crazy, wacky stuff. And for

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And thanks as always for listening. There it is. Am I right on time or am I late? No, you're just on time. Aaron is panting. Just ran through the front door. I'm covered in glass.

We gotta get a stronger front door not made of glass. That was a HateGum Podcast.