SitcomD&D - S4 E16: Mama, Me? Uh… (w/ Carly Monardo)

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

When a sweet little lad shows up to the bar claiming that one of the gang is his biological parent, they’ll have to do some serious deductive reasoning to figure out which one of them it is. Oh yeah, and they also have to pay their taxes. Guest Starring: Carly MonardoTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Just, I feel like our listeners need to know this. What was the sandwich that you had invented for your place of work that you were talking about earlier? The sandwich I invented has like a smash patty turkey sausage house made with shredded apple, diced onion, sage, maple syrup, salt, pepper. And then you put that on brioche with yellow cheddar, soft scrambled eggs, and pickled jalapenos. And it's... I mean, come on. The first time Carly described that to us, I'm not even kidding. I literally cried. Tears rushed to my eyes. Erin cried. It was the most validating moment of my

whole life. And I have loving parents. I've heard it a second time now and now I stand by crying. That made a lot of sense that I cried when I heard that. I closed my eyes this time to really picture it. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, we're picking up inside Bottoms Up. On a fairly typical day, the bar's fairly empty as you all prepare for the midday lunch rush. is fairly empty as you all prepare for the midday lunch rush. And as you're, you know, wiping down the tables, stocking the bar, getting things ready, y'all see Tomfoolery anxiously beckoning you all behind the bar to have what must be an urgent conversation. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding.

And we're rolling. Dice! I get so embarrassed every time we have dice. I'm just really turned on right now. That's all. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Peep

at the Noble bottoms up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef,

Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Guys, come on. Come over here. Are we about to be pranked? What is he doing?

I feel like this is a trap. This is a trap. Nobody move. Oh my God, I'll come to you. Guys. They're all completely frozen standing still per Seb's suggestion. He can't see us if we don't move. Nobody move. Nobody move. Nobody breathe. Hey, guys, I know I keep bringing this up.

I had to breathe. I had to breathe. We're two weeks overdue on our taxes. What? Yeah, I agree. We are exempt. No, no, no, no. That didn't work.

See, look, we got this delinquent notice. It came in the mail today and it even says on here i know you guys said just right the princess works here we're exempt did you misspell it no you spell it with an a did you spell princess with an a did you spell princess with an a because that would be prince ass they got the point they got the point because they said she's not the princess. And who cares? Pay us 200 gold pieces.

It's on here. And he holds up the letter that's got the royal stamp on it. And you guys owe your taxes. Chalice, I know that you have a big decision to make in order to save our lives. Whether or not you want to go back to being the princess. Good exposition, Chip. But maybe be the princess again just so we don't have to pay the taxes. Please.

Come on, please. Guys, we've been making decent money. We have it. You just need to take it to where they collect taxes, the tax collection office. What do you mean we have it? Wait, we have it? Chip, I don't know how you used to be running this business. We're profitable.

We're? So you do work here Yeah, I work here When? Since I bought the place And then we made that deal where you own it But I still get to work here Chip No, it's true

I'm sorry, Beef We should have made it more clear throughout the entire season I'm very sorry Okay, well, Tom Why don't you take the money out of the register and walk down there and pay the taxes for us? Guys, that's not my thing. Your thing is adventures, right? You're hardly

ever here. Let's be honest. I guess. Thank you. We work here. Here it is. And he hands you a sack, and there's 200 gold pieces in there. Oh, this is so heavy. Get it to the tax collectors today, guys, or we're in real hot water. The gang immediately has little thought bubbles of all the 200 gold piece things that they want to buy on the way to the tax collector.

Okay, I got to know what's in everyone's thought bubbles. My thought bubble is an image of just more glass menageries. A library filled to the brim, to the ceiling. Chip's thought bubble is one of those inflatable dragon costumes where it looks like he's riding on the dragon. So he can go about town being like, see, I ride them now too. I'm nice to them and I don't kill them anymore. Chalice's is a new red scarf for Chip.

Very expensive. And Seb's is a ventriloquist dummy, and it is Chip. As in, like, it looks like Chip, or it is actually. You turned Chip into a ventriloquist dummy. I'm just going to leave that up to the listeners. Great, great, great, great, great. Again, I would go myself, but it's a dangerous journey on the King's Road from here to the tax collectors, especially with the kind of gold

you got on you. So, you know, strength in numbers. You guys all go together, and I can hold things down here. Good luck! Thanks, Tom. Guys, this will be fun. Let's make a game of it. Whoever gets there first gets to eat an egg. They all take off running.

Beef grabbing at people's ankles to trip them. Oh, you bean tapped me. Oh my gosh. I want an egg. I want an egg. I want an egg. I'm getting the egg.

And as whatever that is is happening, y'all almost run into a child who's entering Bottoms Up as y'all are leaving. And actually, Carly, if you wouldn't mind describing what this child looks like, your character, that would be awesome. Sure. You see a child of 10 years old, but with the facial proportions of a baby. His globe-like head is framed by a leather propeller cap and

large round glasses. Yes! A single curly lock lays upon his dewy forehead. He's wearing a mossy green romper with a yellow bandana tied snugly around his neck, dark brown knee socks, and leather booties. If the room were to go completely quiet, you'd hear a slight whistle from his nostrils as he breathes. That's so f***ing good.

Okay, so you all almost pummel this child as your eggs hatch. Get out of my way, kid. Are you the text collector? Do you have eggs? Are you my parents? What? No. No nose.

No nose. Nose cozy, you mean? No nose. Sorry, kid. We're kidless. Yeah, we're just trying to eat eggs. That's right. Did your parents come in here?

Oh, no. They don't know I'm here, actually. Oh. Are you lost? No, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Huh. Huh. Hmm.

Listen, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I know that one of you is one of my biological parents. Oh, this is a prank. Now, this is a prank. It's not. Okay. I promise I'm real. Look.

And he spins his propeller as if that proves anything. Whoa. That was cute. Whoa. Okay. Jennifer was cute. Whoa. Okay. Jennifer, did you put this kid up to this? Is this a prank? I don't talk to kids.

Hi, ma'am. They freak me out. Wow, you're like the same height as me. Yeah. What's your name, kiddo? Oh, my name is Sunny Boy Precious. Oh, whoa. You got a last name or that's Precious? No, my last Sunny Boy Precious. Oh, whoa. You got a last name or that's precious?

No, my last name is Precious. Oh, that's adorable. It's Precious. It's Precious, Chip. This thing's freaking me out. Are you sure that it's one of us? How do you know that? I'm positively certain, Papa.

You see, I met a witch. Oh, I like that. I met a witch in the woods and she told me poem, and I'll tell you now, okay? Okay. Okay, is she a poet or a witch? You can be multiple things, Chip. No! You're right.

You're right. Ahem. And as he starts talking, light is streaming angelically, celestially through the windows. All I can say is only this. They work at a place that smells of piss. A modest tavern that fills one cup. Your parent works at Bottoms Up. Here, see, I wrote it down in my best penmanship.

You didn't even need to say the second two lines. We knew what you were talking about after you said piss. Yep. I'm not allowed to say that word normally. is exciting oh my god that's too cute well if you're my kid then you can say piss fart ass titties and whack whatever you want whack i didn't know most of those words wait kid do you have, I think so. Is that what comes out of your nose when you get too scared to go to sleep? Yes. Yes.

That kid's mine. That could be my kid, too. No, no, no. Why are you guys all excited to be my parents? This is wonderful. I thought I would have to, like, really work on this. Well, I found out my parents are dead long gone. Yeah.

So I think you're mine, right? Oh, Grandma and grandpa are dead? Oh. Yeah, sweetheart. They were obliterated. Mom got hit by a sandwich truck

or a cart. Beef. Beef. Okay. Hold on. This could be my kid. Look. And Chalice like

crouches down and just puts her face directly next to Sunny Boy and makes the same face that he's making. This could be my kid. Right? I have a kid.

It's like the letter C on its bottom. Chalice, you want a kid right now? That's a lot of responsibility. I want a kid to blood. I didn't mean it like that. You know what I mean. Yeah, that's a poll quote.

No, it's not. No, it's not. That's a poll quote. No, it's not. We start kind of grabbing at Sonny Boy's limbs. Like, he's mine. He's mine. No, it's not. We start kind of grabbing at Sonny Boy's limbs. Like, he's mine. He's mine.

He's mine. I'm ticklish. You guys really love me. Mama mia. Hey, you know, this is due at 5 p.m. And the sun's not getting any higher and the sky is getting lower. Can you guys get a move on? Eggs.

We're supposed to be eating eggs today. That's right. No, you're supposed to deliver the taxes. Go. Sorry, Son to be eating eggs today. No, you're supposed to deliver the taxes. Go. Sorry, sonny boy precious. We actually can't be your parents today. We got to go file some taxes. Oh, but I could go with you.

I mean, I don't want to abandon my family now that I finally found you. Aw. So sweet. I guess you could come with us and we can maybe figure this thing out, sort it out, decide whose parent is yours. Yeah. Decide who, what? Mama Mia.

Yeah. Hey, Sunny Boy Precious, you know how to write? Yeah, I'm learning cursive. Not beefs, kid. Okay. Jennifer whips a notebook at you. It hits him right in the eye. It breaks one of his glasses lenses.

Owie! Okay, I'm sorry that that was hilarious, but here's what you need to do. Write down notes, start taking stuff down. It's your job to figure out which one of these freaks is your parent, okay? Could be me. I've had a lot of relationships. I don't think it's you.

I don't either, kid. I agree. It's definitely not Jennifer. I i do it a lot i don't think this is how one's supposed to feel when they meet one's mother all right we'll see let's hit the road yo uh chip piles everybody on top of him and he puts his ass in drive and he starts heading towards the tax shop is that what's called uh the tax collectors i like tax shop. Is that what it's called? The tax collectors. I like tax shop. Ben, what do you think? You like tax shop? I like tax shop.

We're not voting on this. We're voting for Bates. I like tax shop. I'm going to vote tax shop. Yeah, maybe with two Ps and an E. Like an ice cream shop. Like an ice cream shop for tax. Tax also has an E at the end.

Yeah. One of us. One of us. F***, that's good. Is it nighttime, Sean, or is it daytime? So the taxes will be due at sundown around 5 p.m., end of business. And it's like afternoon. You still got several hours before the end of the day.

And it's kind of a several hours trip to just inside the capital where taxes are collected. And so y'all are on your journey. Someone roll a d4 for me to see how many hours have passed since you started traveling. Four. I also got four. Oh, baby. We're late. You're really burning daylight here.

There's about an hour, maybe a little more left to essentially get there. And so the pressure's on. I'm so sorry. My bladder is very small. Oh, kid. Beef, you got your piss cup. Empty it out and give it to the kid. He's pissed like 15 times. My bladder is also small. Point for chalice. That's not as hot as you think it is. No, it is. Chip's into it, right, Chip? I like it very much. There's nothing quite like pulling over constantly.

right chip i like it very much there's nothing quite like pulling over constantly and as y'all uh pull over to relieve yourselves you hear someone yelling from across the way thunderbolt that you oh my goodness oh hide me hide me you thought you could get out of detention young man i'm actually an excellent student. Don't let this sway you. Can we hide him? I can use invisibility. Yes. Oh, yeah. I touch the kid in an invisibility way.

Uh-oh. Full quote. That's a full quote. Somebody take Waleed's computer and phone away from him. Okay, so you use invisibility on Sonny Boy. He goes completely invisible. Can they see me? No, you're good.

You're good. Hi, I'm Sunny Boy's teacher. I know he's here somewhere. Oh, I don't think so. Prove it. Where is he? Yeah, prove it. Are one of you or all of you his parents? Maybe.

Excuse me? Sorry. Yeah, that's kind of the whole thing of today. We're trying to figure that out. Okay. Does that make sense, lady? It does not. But Sunny Boy's kind of the whole thing of today. We're trying to figure that out. Okay. Does that make sense, lady? It does not. But Sunnyboy's supposed to be in detention. I'm supposed to be running detention at the schoolhouse here. And you

see that there's a schoolhouse just off camera. And it is just like a quaint little school. Looks like there might just be one big classroom inside it. Sunnyboy's supposed to be in detention right now. Well, what did Sunnyny Boy do? Who should I be making eye contact with?

Who's the actual parent? I'm confused. I am. They all try to stand in front of each other. Yeah, what did my kid do? All right. Everyone give me a persuasion check,

and we'll see who was the most commanding force. God is good in Natural 20. Oh, wow. Hell is real. I botched. God is good and natural 20. Oh, wow.

Hell is real. I botched. So the teacher makes eye contact with Chalice. Well, here's the thing. I'm going to level with you. Sunny Boy is an incredibly gifted young man. Don't I know it. We know.

We know. He just has problems focusing in class, I would say. Sounds a lot like his mother. Me. Or father. Seb. Now, I know for a fact I saw him here. I know he's very timid sometimes and very shy, but could he come out here and maybe we can talk about how his performance has been?

Hmm. What do you say sunny cricket cricket oh maybe a beef kid maybe a beef kid beef says crickets this kid is brilliant definitely not a beef kid jury's still out chip jury is still out all right teacher if we show you sunny boy i mean i know he's here at this point. No, I'm not. Okay. Y'all, this is the kind of thing that I'm talking about.

If we can work on Sunny Boy's personal skills and being brave and taking up space, I think that would be really good for him. I have a special mind. Okay, well, we can do that. We're so good at being brave and taking up space. We are the ones who go on adventures and we don't do work. We're adventuring people. Look at right now. We're on a quest to get eggs. Okay. Well, that's wonderful. Maybe that's something you guys can work on at home. Because I'm telling you, he is so gifted. We'll leave advanced math problems on the board for the older students and the gifted students and some of the teachers who do work afterwards.

And Sunny will come up and erase those problems and draw really interesting pictures. Wow. I hate math. I think that's a point for me. Yeah. They're like of unicorns, but they stand on two legs. Are they rearing? No, they seem more like

humanoid and they're eating hot dogs oh yes okay that's what those are okay oh my god we want to foster this kind of creativity i think that will lead to sunny boy having more confidence and being able to be themselves and interact with society more and be less invisible even though sunny boy is invisible somehow the air in front of his face is blushing the heat is so much from the blush and can i talk with just the parent for a second yes no let miss natural 20 through please thank you very much she shoves him out of the way push me down that's what you's what you get, bot! Uh, yes? Yes. Miss Natural20, I wanted to just give you

some more insight here. There are some kids in Sunnyboy's class, some of the older kids, who I think, frankly, are intimidated by his creativity and his intelligence and are bullying him, to put it frankly. Huh! My kid? Yeah. Hey, Chalice, I'm holding you back, to put it frankly. My kid? Yeah.

Hey, Chalice, I'm holding you back. Don't you worry. To be clear, it's not me. I'm the teacher. Oh, okay. I don't know if there was confusion there. It wasn't clear. What can be done?

Okay, what do you want us to be doing right now? Yeah, which kid do you want us to beat up? I'm going to be handling it on my own. I just wanted to make you aware so that you have all the information. Okay, great. Can we beat them up now or do we have time to Mamma Mia first? Yeah, I don't get when we're supposed to be beating them up.

You are not supposed to be beating them up now or ever. They're children. Are we supposed to bring our own stick or do you provide sticks for us? Okay. Maybe we need to have another meeting after this. I'm free on Wednesdays. Just come on. It's an open door policy.

Come by anytime, okay? Okay, bye. Bye. Okay, goodbye, Sunny boy, wherever you are. Bye. Chalice gets down on one knee in front of Sunny's blushed face

and goes, Hey. Hi. Have the kids at school been, um, a little mean? Kind of a bully? Um, yeah. I mean,

so I wasn't exactly planning to visit a witch. They kind of just, like, locked me in her shack. No. I didn't even know that my parents weren't really both my parents until she wrote a poem for me, which I still think is an odd way to deliver news. Well, a lot of witches eat kids, so it's better than it could have been, right?

Yeah, Chip is a former bully, so he knows all about this stuff. Yeah, that's why I love picking on bullies now, especially if they're kids. And I can actually attest to that because Chip used to be my bully. Yes. He made me a scarecrow in a field for a while. Oh, wow. Yeah, Seb used to be bullied, which is why he likes picking on bullies now, especially if they're kids.

Yes, especially if they're kids. That's why I got this stick. This is my bully stick. Well, that's really cool, yeah. I thought they liked me until, you know, they told me that my entire life was a lie and tried to get a witch to eat me, so. Oh. Sunny, that's gonna happen.

Is it? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if I had a nickel. Yeah, you gotta stand up to these people. Yeah? You gotta say, no, this is my life. Don't throw me down a witch hole. No. Yeah, Beef is the bravest guy I know, which is why he's passionate about bullying bullies,

especially if they're kids. Beef is? Yeah, I support that also. Beef is the bravest. Night after night, public speaking ain't a thing. This is agreed upon? Thank you, yeah. I take a lot of pleasure in my vulnerability to my bravery.

Let's just do a bravery power rankings really fast. It goes beef, chalice, myself, and then you, Chip. What? Well, I would also add Sonny Boy in there. And you'd add one more, and you'd add one more. Oh, and of course. So it would go beef, chalice, Jennifer, myself, Sonny Boy. Wow.

And then Chip. Yes! You know what, Sonny Boy? I hope I'm not your dad. I, Sunny Boy. Wow. And then Chip. Yes! You know what, Sunny Boy? I hope I'm not your dad. I'm going to be honest. Oh. Okay. I'm going to be honest.

I'm the first one to say I'm not ready. Okay? Maybe I am scared sometimes, and I'm scared to be a parent. I hope you're not my kid. Why is your hand on Chalice's womb right now? That is so weird. Listen, I don't want a kid right now. Okay?

Maybe down the line, but I'm not ready right now Okay, maybe down the line But I'm not ready right now Are you kidding me? Look at me I do a twirl Do I seem ready at all? He's freaking out Hey, please don't be my kid

I mean Please Okay, well, I kind of didn't think I was yours Because I'm not green Oh, that's pretty Good point Okay, this kid's brilliant I'm not okay with what, that's pretty. Okay, this kid's brilliant.

I'm not okay with anyone's words. Another point against beef. Sunny Boy takes a moment to write not green in his notebook and also writes not particularly brave. Shoot. The less brave you are, I guess if I'm the least brave, that means that we're f***ed. Please don't be my kid, you little jerk. Jerk?

No, sorry. I'm Sunny Boy Precious. Chip bends down and picks him up like a little baby and then kind of like leans over the rest of the crew and is like,

guys, we gotta find this bully. We gotta make Precious stick up for himself. Okay, but when we get there, we should have Sonny Boy's real parent

be the one who does most of the talking. Yes. So by the time we get to this bully, we'll know that I'm the rightful dad, father man. Well, actually, that's where I differ from you because, uh, Sunny, would you say that

you have poor eyesight? Um, yeah, especially since that lady threw a notebook at my face. Bingo. It's me. Okay. Yeah. You might be Seb's kid. But, Chalice, wouldn't we have Sonny do the talking? Right? He's sticking up for himself. You might be the dad. That's good. I'm not the dad. I'm not the dad.

Well, one of you is my dad and or mom. Okay, okay. Let's go find this bully. We also kind of have to get going to deliver the taxes, y'all. The sun's getting pretty low in the sky. Oh, we're way late. We're late. We're just going to be late.

If we're late, we're screwed. Maybe the bully's on the way. Let's just go to the tax shop, PPE. Wait a minute. The tax shop? Yeah. Oh. Well, you're in luck because my bully's dad is the tax collector.

No. Yeah. Wow, what a small, small world. I know. You couldn't make this up. Yeah, no. Okay, how about this? We're going to, let's do strengths and weaknesses for all of us.

And then see if Sunny Boy, if the charts, if the lines line up. I'm thinking so hard right now. It's bad. Yes, and anytime you think beef, you stop walking. And it is really slowing us down. He's burning calories thinking. He can't also be burning calories walking. That's science, Jennifer. Yeah. Oh my God. Pick him up, Chip, and he can think while we walk. We have to go.

Yeah. Chip piles everybody back on top of him and starts walking forward as notebooks project out of all of his pockets into everybody's hands so we can start making pros and cons and strength to weaknesses lists. Convenient. So I will, if it's helpful, let you know that you do notice that there's a slight point to Sunny Boy's ears and his hair, what you can see of it is curly. Whoa, okay. Chalice writes ears in the biggest writing ever. Chip writes ears in the smallest writing ever.

Hoping nobody sees. And I draw the starting of hangman and it's a five letter word. But you notice that that hangman kind of looks like a unicorn. Rearing up and eating a hot dog. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said,

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month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Someone give me a D20 roll and that's how many minutes are going to pass here. I will since I'm walking. 13 minutes. Okay. So after 13 minutes, what are the pros and cons list that you guys have created here? In my strengths category, Chalice writes ears, curly hair, good at cursive,

good at art, pretty cute. And then in the weaknesses is weird baby face. And Sunny Boy does see it and just sort of like takes a hit silently. Internalizes it forever maybe. Yeah. Jennifer's just actually journaling

about how thrilling it was to be included in that list that Seb did about bravery. And I ranked third overall! It wasn't even a joke! Chip, in his list, he's like very small. He has ears. Very small.

He is brilliant. Very small. He has pretty cowardice. In the weaknesses column, he has green and I'm an adult. He's a kid. There's no way that we're related. Beef's list for strengths. Same height. i can look him in the eyes it's strange and weaknesses is uh brilliant absolutely brilliant but then he moves brilliant beef is like

a race brilliant and put it in the the strengths and weaknesses all over the circle in it crossing it off drawing arrows back and forth. It's not spelled right, not even once. Which moves it back to the other side. And then he's like, how do you spell brilliant? For strengths, I'm going to put anxious slash anxiety with a little frowny face next to it. Good points.

Curls up when scared, another frowny face. And then in terms of weaknesses, I'm going to say smells a little funny. A little too sweet. Pungent. A little syrupy. Sonny Boy, how's your list going? So, you know, I'm just kind of keeping a tally of overlaps and stuff. And I wrote small bladder with Miss Princess chalice oh yeah and um prince

ass prince ass chalice and then not green so not like chip i high five him um bad eyesight like seb and um come on small of stature but proud like beef. Nice. Okay. And are we still ruling me out because I'm a rat? You're out. You're 100% out. Oh, my God. It would be like a tale or something. Like, we would have been done 20 minutes ago, okay?

Or like those nasty little rat teeth or something. Thank you. Sean, is there something in world that we can check like a DNA test? Is there a shop? There is a show called um the centauri povich show that would test this kind of thing but you know you'd have to submit like right now and who knows when they'd actually get to you all right so we submit on the way we just put it in an envelope drop it off does it help if i tell you both people who raised me are humans? Oh yeah

like absolutely a lot. That does help. That does help. But I still have these ears. Yeah. But you know before I found out that they were lying to me they just told me that they stretched out coming out of the birth canal so I don't know. Oh my God. Is that Sonny Boy? Oh my God you

guys. Check it out. No. And then that music from Sandlot as the cool kids in nice uniforms on bicycles starts playing. You guys all spin about and turn around to see in flying V formation, five kids on bicycles wearing those same exact uniforms from Sandlot are approaching. And one of them is clearly the leader. When you spin, the wind catches Sunny Boy's propeller and he kind of like drifts off of Chip. Chip has to like pull him back down. Get back here, get back here.

Oh, look it, Sunny Boy's being held like a baby. What a baby. I'm not a baby, you're a bully. Did you just call me Farts McNarley, a bully? That's your name? His name is Farts McNarley? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, I did.

And you don't want to test me because I'm actually sort of brave. Oh, my God. This kid needs an ass licking whooping. Don't lick my ass, please. Oh, my God. Bullies these days have really changed since when I was growing up. His name is Farts. I know.

This is definitely one of those cases where it's like he's been hurt, and so he's decided to hurt other people. Oh, my God. A cautionary tale. Hurt people hurt people. Okay, I'm going to use minor illusion to give Sunny Boy, like, red eyes and, like, a lion's mane. Whoa, Sunny Boy, did you get a haircut?

I got a hair more. Yeah, and we're Sunny Boy's entourage. What the hell do you want? We don't give a f***. We'll kick all your asses. You're not supposed to say that word. Yeah. I can say any word I want, including whack.

Whoa, really? Because we're actually going to go pay our taxes. And what I heard was, maybe your parent works there? Where are you going? Yeah, Fart, we're going to the tax shop. It's Farts, plural.

Excusez-moi, Farts. Get it right. Yeah, maybe we just bring up the fact that you said whack. Oh, my God. Don't tell my dad I said whack, please. We're Taddlers. Oh, my God. This is so like you, Sonny Boy.

This is why everyone hates you. You can't fight your own battles. I can, too. And Sonny Boy Precious unleashes a fire bolt. Oh my god. Oh shit. Okay, Sunny Boy. Curl a mote of fire at a creature or object within range.

Make a ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 1d4, sorry, 1d10 fire damage. Okay. Give that a roll. It's a three. Oh no. Oh no. Okay. Give that a roll. It's a three. Oh no. Okay, so what you see is Sunny Boy like summon so much

courage. His mane looks amazing. His red eyes. And he does like almost like a Goku kamehameha type of like stance and then puts his hands together and just like a wisp of smoke leaves his palms. It goes...

Um, Sonny Boy, did you just pass gas? Oh my God! Take it from farts, that was weaker than a flatulent. My God! Get out of here! Chip, put your ass in drive. Let's go ruin this kid's life. But it feels like we're running away.

We got to give. It does feel like you're running away. Okay, you know what, kid? I pick up. I'm tired of farts. I pick up Sunny Boy Precious and I chuck him at farts. Okay, amazing. Give me a, let's do a strength check to see how far you're throwing them.

And then at the same time, Sunny Boy, give me acrobatics and acrobatics check to see how this landing or impact goes. Ooh, I got a 19. Whoa. And I rolled a 21. Oh. Okay. You're going to be able to do what you want here.

So, Chip, where are you aiming Sunny Boy? Right at Fart's tummy. Okay. And Sunny Boy, being aimed at Fart's tummy. Okay. And Sunny Boy being aimed at Fart's tummy, how would you like to impact their tummy or how would you like to land this and so on and so forth? I think he's curled up again, you know, in a really tight ball. Yeah.

But he does have that propeller, so that's like a little bit of a wild card that's kind of going too. So I think he's going to land like right in the gut and maybe the propeller like messes up his shirt a little bit too. So I think he's going to land like right in the gut and maybe the propeller like messes up his shirt a little bit too. This is perfect. I mean this is what I'm picturing is Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog doing that like

ball attack. And that's the spinny tails like the propeller and you are boom right in the gut of farts and the air just leaves his body. And a little fart, just for flavor. Just for flavor. And he just like keels over

and his bike falls over with him. And he can't even like get words out. And the rest of them get into formation like, are we about to fight adults? Maybe. I look over at Beef and I'm like, Beef, he's pretty good at getting thrown.

That seems like a point for you. No, Chip. I've long gone lost the race. You think you're out? Yeah. I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here.

I think. Chalice is throwing snowball swarm at the kids. Can you read Snowball Storm? A flurry of magic snowballs erupts from a point you choose within range. Each creature in a

five foot radius sphere centered on that point must take a dexterity saving throw. A creature takes 3d6 cold damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful save. Alright, roll them bones. Let's see if this hits. I rolled a two.

It's a warning shot. So it'll take half the damage. Probably for the best. I'm not trying to kill these kids. It looks like that scene in Elf where his arm goes super fast and you're throwing like a hundred snowballs all at once and these kids are getting

pelted. And it's an adult hitting kids! So it's kind of on par. It's got an emotional sting, too. Can I cast Sleep on farts so it looks like maybe he passed out from this? Yeah, you can. Okay. Is it a saving throw for that? I roll 5d8, and then the total is how many hit points it can affect.

Oh, okay. 5d8 is 20. I only got 20. Okay, he's passed out. Whoa, what a wimp! Okay. 5d8 is 20. I only got 20. Okay. He's passed out. Whoa, what a wimp. You guys should all run away. Every boy for himself.

Good luck, farts. And they all just take off. Sunny boy Precious is like standing, looming over farts for the first time. He's never loomed over anything in his life. And he's like quivering with excitement. Oh my gosh. I scared him to sleep. You did it, Sonny.

Do you want to do the honor of putting a notch in the bully buster stick? I don't know what that means. You busted a bully. So now you get to put a notch in. Yeah. Yeah, I do. And he like takes a little nibble out of the stick. It's so cute. That's my fault. I should have handed you a knife. After Sonny Boy a little nibble out of the stick. It's so cute.

That's my fault. I should have handed you a knife. After Sunny Boy takes a nibble out of the stick, I do look at Jennifer for a second and be like, oh, shoot, maybe. And she's just looking at you, nodding her head slightly. Sunny Boy goes over to Farts' bicycle and like kind of struggles to get it upright. And then he starts like petting the handlebars like a nervous horse and he's like um farts has anyone ever taught you how to ride a bike you mean sunny boy i'm trying to talk to farts but i guess yeah sunny boy has anyone ever

taught you how to ride a bike uh no chalice immediately put sunny boy on the bike and start moving the handles and she's singing oh my gosh slipping through my fingers all the time i try to capture every minute moving in slow motion though to try to create a core memory his mane is just like blowing in the wind. You're doing it, Sonny. You're doing it. It zooms out and it is like heavy traffic and it's just like a miracle. Chalice, give me, I'll let you pick what check it is.

Maybe it's persuasion for like coaching or something like that. To see how well you are teaching Sunny Boy to ride a bike. Persuasion. Intimidation. Dirty 20. You're making him feel confident and seen. And so you start to see that Sunny Boy is able to be riding this wooden bicycle on his own without you holding on to the side. Whoa. God, they grow up so fast. It even like catches a little air as the propeller like starts to spin.

Oh, that's amazing. I believe. While Sunny Boy is flying away, I sit down next to Beef and I'm like, Beef, why'd you take yourself out of the race for Sunny Boy's parent? I think you'd be a great parent. Beef's like fingering the grass and the dirt. He's what? To the grass? He's making love to the grass. He's fingering the grass and the dirt.

Sorry, I'm just not listening, actually. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah, I just, I'm actually worried for you, man. What? What are you talking about? Well, it don't know it seems like this is seb and chalice's kid do you think it's both of their kids together i mean the numbers aren't lying the science is there i've been looking at everyone's lists and beef has everyone's lists everyone's notebook and there's more points for seb and then chalice i mean sunny boy did a fireball a fireball and that's chalice's move

pointy ears uh glasses seb glasses seb i mean it's all there i know but you erased my list entirely you drew a unicorn eating a hot dog. That's got to say something. Oh, yeah, no, I don't think my semen works. Pull quote, pull quote, pull quote. Beef, I'm sure your semen is rocking. Okay, pull quote. Hey, guys.

And Jennifer's pulling on your pants Chip Oh yeah hey what's up Jennifer Can you tell Sunnyboy to get off the bike And it's my turn now Uh yeah we probably Have to go anyway so if you want to play Oh wow they're miles ahead of us Oh we gotta catch up

I don't know how to land this thing Oh my god and the sun it's going down right now I'm too close to the sun Oh my gosh Sunnyboy is melting Charles is still singing Oh, my God! And the sun, it's going down right now! I'm too close to the sun! Oh, my gosh. Sunny boy is melting. Chalice is still singing. Super, super, baby, I gotta find me what I want. Are you sprinting underneath him as he's, like, flying in the bike?

Yeah. Chalice, your kid is melting! Oh, I'm sorry! I got carried away! Anybody give me a perception check real quick, actually. I got a nat 20. Oh, my gosh. Sunny boy.

You have view of everything. You're flying in the air. You have such a good panoramic view. Just like his mom. Just like his mom. And you see what looks like the tack shop. And you know it's the tack shop, Sunny boy, just from deductive reasoning. It's got a big money bag on top of it.

And you see that they're closing up shop. They are bringing in their like outside furniture, like a, like a restaurant one. And it looks like they're like locking up. They must serve ice cream. And Sunny Boy, what you do realize is that with how soon they're about to close and how the sun is going down right now, you would be the only one able to get the money there in time. You know that. Okay. Sunny Boy is peddling and he sees the tax shoppy and he looks down at his parents and says, They're about to close. Throw me the taxes.

What are the specials for today? It's a split pea soup and a pumpkin ganache, pumpkin ganache. Pumpkin. Ganache, ganache. Pumpkin. Ganache, ganache, ganache. Pie. Oh. Chip out of anger because it's not ganache. Grabs the money and launches it at Sunny.

Okay. Hoping the momentum of the throw will also give him speed. Alright. Roll them bones. Let's do a little strength check on that. I botched. No. Okay, so you threw it so quickly, and I was still holding on to it, so you tried to throw me and the bag of money. Yeah, I was trying to do that.

Seb went two feet. Oh, my ass. Okay. Throw it to me. All right, I'm going to lateral it back to Beef. Perfect. Do I need to roll for that? No, I think you can manage that.

Thank you. All right, Beef, you've got the bag of gold now. I'm imagining that this is all happening in slow motion. And this is all like in seconds. And it's like that song that's like... How do I can't? Chariots of Fire? Yes. That's exactly what I was going to say.

Thank you. Oh, my God. That's exactly what I was going to say. Thank you. Oh, my God. That's playing. And so behind Beef, you can see Seb is grabbing his ass, screaming up to the sky. Oh, my ass. Chips on his knees from throwing Seb and the money. I tried my best.

And Beef's running with the money under it like a football. And then he's like, challenge. Challenge. What? What's up and then he throws it to chalice come on chalice chariots of fire slowly fades into money money money by abba and chalice uses gust to get the money up to sunny boy nice okay give me with gust give me a just like a luck check or if you want to do dexterity to say like you kind of positioned it in just the right perfect spot.

21. And that sack of gold goes right into the basket of Sunny Boy's little bicycle as his propeller kind of slows down. Well, actually, you got a roll for this. Let's see how your dismount goes in front of the tech shoppy and hopefully through those closing doors as they lock up.

Okay. I got a 16. Wow. That'll do it. He skids in, comes to like a complete cool guy stop. Yeah, he does the like Canada stop in Akira with the motorcycle. Hell yeah. Exactly.

And now you're just in the middle of this office standing in front of a gentleman who looks, if we're talking about people being related and who's a parent, you go, oh, that's a fart dad. That's fart's dad. We're closing, little guy. Sorry. I'd like to buy one tax, please.

Okay. I don't think buy one tax, please. Okay. I don't think... Are your parents here? Yes, we are. And you guys are huffing and puffing in the doorway. We're all holding hands and trying to look like a united front. Fart said whack. Excuse me?

Fart said whack and f***ing ass. He said said what? And steam comes out of his ears. Yeah, we ran into your son and a couple of his cronies, and he was saying whack, whack, whack. Well, that boy is going to be grounded until next eternity. Oh, no. Sucks to be farts.

I like this guy. Probably a bad parent. Yeah. Sunny Boy turns and beatifically kind of like holds his hands out, like almost shushing his parents. You're right. You're right. You're right. And then he turns back to Farts' dad and says, I think your son learned a valuable lesson today.

And if he didn't, I'm going to beat the crap out of him the next time I see him at school. Here's your money. What's your name, kid? My name is Sonny Boy Precious. Hmm. I like the cut of your gym. You're a straight shooter. I respect that.

Thank you. My son could probably learn a thing or two from you. And how professionally you just presented yourself and with such confidence. You must have good parents. And he looks, he kind of confusingly looks at all of you in the eyes and... We shrug.

Like humbly shrug. I guess. I blow my nose. Sunnyboy Precious is beaming and gives you all a thumbs up. So is this a gift? But what is this? Oh, the gold. Bottoms up.

It's for bottoms up the bar. This is pretty late. This is pretty late. We're sorry. Yeah, we're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry, mister.

We have a 50% interest rate after the two-week mark, so you all got in just in time. Thank God. We are closing up, though, so y'all got in just in time. Thank God. We are closing up, though, so y'all have to head out. No soup? Really wanted some pumpkin pie. Yeah, can we have some pie to go? Oh, the sign's wrong.

It's ganache today. Oh, yeah. We cut to all of y'all are back at Bottoms Up eating ganache. Maybe top five memories of your life. This ganache is so good. Which is just frosting, right? Yep. That's fine.

But it's a soup. It's soup frosting. It's frosting you can eat without shame, yeah. As y'all are laughing and experiencing your ganaches, Sunny Boy gets a little quiet and then stands on the table. It seems like he might have an announcement. He clinks his ganache cup. Speech!

Speech! I have been reviewing the notes and my experiences and the way you guys look and Chip looks at himself sadly. I think my parent is either... Wait, wait, wait.

Before you say it, can you eliminate us one by one, Miss America style? Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, so much more cruel. Okay, so Mr. Chip, I don't think it's you. First of all, you really, really don't want me. And second of all...

Yes, I don't. We just don't seem to have a lot in common. We should hang out, though. I would. I would. I would. And Mr. Seb. Oh, no, no, no. I think you're great.

I really do. I think you'd be a great uncle. You've got that vibe. But I am your dad. Say but. But I'm your dad. But I don't think you're my dad. You know what?

Let's hang out sometime. I would love that, yeah. And Jennifer, as a little rat, is just beaming, standing there with a little sash and a tiara. Jennifer, you are in the top three. Yes! Jennifer, when he said top three, I think that's as far as you're making it.

It ends at three! I think it's either Mr. Beef or Miss Chalice. Beef and Chalice are now holding hands and like touching foreheads. Yeah. I want you to get it. I think you should get a pay. Babe, you deserve it. You both have blonde curly hair and pointy ears and use cool like powers.

Yeah. You do have pointy ears and use cool like powers and you have pointy ears i'd be proud to have either of you as my parent but i guess i'm wondering if either of you feels a stronger connection oh what do you say beef yeah i think we're mommy and daddy now yeah sorry chip i think it's just one of us. It's just got to be one. Or none of us. Maybe it's like an immaculate sort of situation. Seb, no way.

This is definitely one of our kids. I'm sorry. I am just crying. I'm dehydrated. Still no eggs. Sonny boy, is that you? Oh. And you look over and you see your parents.

You know, the parents that you live with. One biological, one that you? Oh. And you look over and you see your parents, you know, the parents that you live with. One biological, one that you recently learned is not your biological parent. They're both human women. One of them has blonde, curly hair. The other is a little bit shorter, but has longer black hair. Sunny boy, oh my God, where have you been? We've been worried sick. Oh, I, you know,

I didn't mean to sneak out or anything. It's just that I got locked into a house with a witch, and then I ran away. And then I found a poem from the witch, and I went to a bar that smelled like piss, and then I met these people, and we paid their taxes, and one of them is my real parent, and

it was a secret, and I don't know which one. Oh, my God. Sonny Boy, you snuck away. You're grounded. Just kidding. Hi, I'm Chip Ahoy. I'm not his dad. Weird intro, Chip.

Really weird intro. Yeah, very weird intro. Okay. I'm trying to. That was a lot you just threw at me, Sonny Boy. You got to tell us when something like this this, I mean, you have to communicate. And you found out that, okay, that one of us isn't your biological parent. Yeah.

That's definitely something we wanted to tell you ourselves at some point. I'm sorry. It's okay. You're still my mom's. I kind of just want to know the truth. And you're just in time. Sonny was about to pick which one of us it is. It's okay. You're still my mom's. I kind of just want to know the truth. And you're just in time. Sonny was about to pick which one of us it is. It's not me.

I'm more uncle material, apparently. And I don't even want this kid. Wait, wait, wait, wait. One of you thinks that you're their biological parent? Yeah, the poem said so. We work at Bottoms Up. It has to be one of us. I'm sure Beef was donating sperm for most of his time, right?

Beef, you gotta have like 100 kids. Well, the donation center said stop bringing this. I think your semen is rocking, Beef. Talk to the doctor. First off, I would not be intimate with any of you. Just upon first impressions. Just so we're clear about that. Okay, that's rude, right?

What the hell? I get it. And I don't know if this witch witch i don't know if this is like legit or what but um and then she gets kind of silent she looks across the room and give me a perception check y'all i got a 14 okay it's actually not that hard to tell you do see where your mother is staring and you all follow her eye contact to see that she's looking at Tomfoolery. Oh, my God.

And we all try to, like, move in front of the eye contact. Tom, Tom, she's looking at something. Get out of the way. This is... Why didn't you tell me? Who's this guy? He doesn't work here. He does. He does, baby.

We didn't talk about this enough this season. Sort of Owen. Now you guys, as you're kind of looking back and forth to Sunnyboy, to Tom, you see a lot of the similarities. He does have pointy ears. He has curly hair. He wears contacts. You remember him talking about that all the time, about how his

contacts are so dry. Everything's dry. Classic Tom. And Sonny Boy, your mom takes a step closer to Tom Fleury and goes, I'm sorry, Tom. We were young and you're kind of a goober. And to be honest, I thought I could do a lot better of a job on my own. I'm sorry. I should have told you.

I get it. That checks out. Wow. And he looks at you, sonny boy. You mean this kid? This, this came from me. You're like the coolest looking, greatest kid I've ever could imagine. Really?

Yeah. Because you got a freaking like, such a cool vibe. I ditched the mane. I feel like that's overcompensating. Maybe your haircut and your eyes are kind of intimidating. Oh, yeah. Chalice tops that. Whoa!

No, you're straight up decolors. Oh, wow. Thanks, Dad. You don't have to do that. Great. Definitely didn't earn it. Definitely didn't earn it. Yeah, baby steps.

Baby steps. Great, yeah. I'm more comfortable this way. Chalice is crying, fully sobbing, devastated. Oh, Miss Chalice. It's okay. She's just sort of like shuffling back and forth, and she goes, If you change your mind, I'm the first in line.

Honey, I'm still free. Oh, man. Take a chance on me. Do you think that's what that song means? In line. Honey, I'm still free. Oh, man. Take a chance on me. Do you think that's what that song means? Oh, my gosh. Hey, Chalice, you know, maybe not right now and maybe not with Sunny Boy, but I think you'd make a great mom one day.

You think? And Chip looks at her womb. Weird. Please, my breasts are up here I'd crack a hard-boiled egg on Beef's head Egg! I'm so glad that we did this I guess technically Sunny Boy should have been eating the egg Oh, good point Good point

But he's with his mom Speaking of which, I feel like we probably could have gotten the bottom of this way faster. If we would have just asked who the mom was. We didn't barely ask that kid any questions before we took it to the top. And as we pan out,

you see there's just a little portrait of Sunny Boy on the wall, and on it, it says, Best Boy. It says, it says, Best Book. Aww. It says, Sonny Boy, 1990 to 2000. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept,

and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And of course, we were joined by the wickedly talented Carly Monardo. You can get more Carly in your life and why wouldn't you want to by listening to either of the following amazing projects. Rude Tales of Magic, a Real Play D&D and comedy podcast

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old show, Suits. So sign up for a Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D and D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite poll quotes from that week's episode, and get hot and spicy memes relating to the show. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.

Hot and spicy memes, straight off the press. That was a Hate Gum podcast. straight off the press.