SitcomD&D - S4 E17: Chalice at the Palace

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

When the gang is forced to return to Glass Castle to "celebrate" Chalice's birthday they take it as an opportunity to swap the contract that binds their fate with one of their own design.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I've been watching the David Lynch movies. I thought you were going to say David Letterman. Me too. I was like, that was a long time ago. I feel like I've only seen Twin Peaks. And I remember everyone loving it. And it like one of those where I was like, this is just fucked up to me.

Like it's just like, this is just fucking weird sort of thing. And like people are like, you got to like watch it multiple times and then you start to get it. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know.

Nothing should require that. There is not a single piece of art or media where it's like, you have to keep doing it over and over again for you to get it except for the bible yeah welcome back to sitcom dnd a real playgeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up with the gang on their way to Glass Castle to celebrate our very own Chalice Glass's birthday. Oh!

I left room for a reaction and I just got one from Elizabeth. You always get a reaction from me. Yes, it is Chalice's 74th birthday, but she's not really in a party mood. And that's probably because we're nearing the end of the season. And as far as breaking the curse goes, she hasn't been able to make much headway for herself there. As for everybody else, you know, Seb's family said they'll think about it. Chip's uncle wants to help, but may not have the courage to do so. And Beast's grandma is going to try her best think about it. Chip's uncle wants to help but may not have the courage to do so, and Beast's grandma's gonna try

her best to make it. But again, Chalice doesn't even really have a maybe lined up in this department yet. So, y'all are discussing her options as the royal carriage that picked you up from bottoms up nears the sprawling and pristine front steps

of Glass Castle. We'll pick up there. Quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Bye! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian Chalice, Chip, and Peep at the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day

We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends. Grant and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. They're riding in the carriage and they are like dressed to the nines. Chalice looks amazing. She looks like Hedy Lamarr, that star dress of her coming down the stairs, that old Hollywood one. You guys know what I'm talking about?

You can Google it. So she has like a sparkly star headdress. And then all the boys and Jennifer are wearing like matching velvety purple suit coats with like embellishments on them. I like that. I just don't want to go to the castle again. I feel like everybody just makes fun of us when we're there. It's just because you're poor and you smell. It's not because you're

You're poor too now. Hey, it's not personal. All right, Chip? We are poor and we do smell like shit. I think my suit is one size too small. I feel like I can't breathe. I think it's like three size too small. I feel like I can't breathe. I think it's like three sizes too small.

And mine's huge. Oh, you and Jennifer switched suits. Oh, jeez. We mixed up our suits, Jenny. I guess you just plow through. There's nothing we can do at this point. Yeah, we were already wearing them. And what does the sign say?

It says no naked in carriage. No naked in carriage. Sorry, guys. You know what I think? I think that we need to take advantage of having to go to this party at all. What can we do inside the castle, prank or otherwise, to help our cause?

Because I'm starting to really panic about the end of the season. I'm starting to really freak out. And I'm starting to be panicked and I'm starting to freak out. the end of the season. I'm starting to really freak out. And I'm starting to be panicked, and I'm starting to freak out. Ow, okay. Ouch, ouch. Beef? She's chewing on Beef's arm.

Oh. I feel like we've got two options here. And just, if we're thinking about this logically, either, you know, you don't sign the contract, and maybe some of us die. I'm willing to lose a few of us. Or you'd sign the contract. It's kind of that's it.

Or what if we switch the contracts? What if we put in a fake, phony, fun contract and then we sign that one and then maybe the curse will be lifted and we'll be good we can change the fine print and then they won't suspect it we'll leave it we'll make it seem like we didn't we'll write it so small we'll write it jennifer will write it so it's really small bingo oh my it's in rat writing oh god and i've been sitting on this thing of parchment for like the whole ride whoa it's warm do we want to use this oh my gosh yes let's write up a let's write up a contract oh man but the sign says don't write fake contracts in here are we gonna break it uh i take off my pants and i'll go we're if we're breaking one rule let's break them all.

Okay, so what you guys are... Okay. What you're trying to do here is... The goal will be when we get to the castle to look for the existing contract and switch it out and see if we can fake them. Okay. Can we roll for history to see if we can remember what the contract was like?

Yeah, yeah. Give me a history check. 22. Okay. Ooh. Okay, yeah. Give me a history check. 22. Okay. I'm not even going to try. You did read it. This was actually one contract that you actually did read. Yeah.

If I recall. The only one I think we've ever read in the entire history of the show. I know. I got a nat 20. Beef. Oh, my God. Okay. So the 22 chalice, visually you know.

That's the only one we read. Every kind of visual aspect of this contract, like the size of the parchment, like the wear and tear of it, what the font, you remember what the font kind of looked like, and you even remember how many paragraphs there were generally

and what it looked like. Beef, in like a Rain Man type way, you remember every single word that was on this contract. I close my eyes and they're moving back and forth and I'm like... Chalice will write it

because I'm sure she has the best script of all of them having been a princess. And she knows the vibe of it. So Beef will dictate the contract to Chalice. Give me a dexterity check with advantage, Chalice,

to just make it look like on this attempt as much like the original contract as you can. Natural 20. Are you serious? Oh my God. Childless. It's her birthday today, baby. Now, what are you guys,

and we can maybe reveal this later as far as any verbiage that you would want to change on this contract from the original. That no one will die. That we are never bound to a contract with the throne ever again. Like they can never come after us again. Bottoms up doesn't have to pay taxes. Yeah Bottoms Up doesn't have to pay taxes. Yeah, Bottoms Up doesn't have to pay taxes. We have every second Tuesday of the month, we get those little cocktail wieners in a crock pot.

For free. For free. That's written in there multiple times just to make sure it's really binding. Can you go ahead and underline that, please? Yeah, of course. As many cocktail wieners as the town can provide. And I want to be clear on this.

In order for this ever to work, it doesn't have to be in this episode. It could be down the line. The king will have to sign it for it to have any magical power. Kings don't read stuff. I'm not worried. Okay. I'm just putting that out there. At some point, by the end of the season, it would have to be signed. Thank you. Thanks for't read stuff. I'm not worried. I'm just putting that out there. At some point, by the end of the season,

it would have to be signed. Thank you. Thanks for bringing it up. Not worried. Appreciate your concern, but we f***ing got this. Can we explode out of this carriage now? We're ready. Oh my lord.

Yes. You do just that. It's very much Prince Ali when everyone kicks out. Very funny. And you explode out of this carriage and there are tons of folks who

live in the capital but maybe aren't prestigious enough to get the actual royal invite to Chalice's birthday. This is a very high-class event, but our crowd, just to see a glimpse of the former princess and this big event. As you enter, there's obviously a lot of fanfare here. It's such a regal and elegant affair. There are so many famous ambassadors here and people from different areas and countries who've all gathered for this event. There's Francis Stewart, which is French Stewart.

And there's the diplomat from Niles, Roz Moon. Jalpert and Kitey Loom are there from Two Tree Hill. You see them. There's Weepy, son of Angry, from the dwarven city of Salt Mountain. And even celebrities are there, like Centauri Povich, the host of the Centauri povich show

that you submitted to last episode when you were dealing with um sunny boy precious yeah yeah we're with chalice she's the birthday girl everyone calm down she's what what it's what is it i thought it was just a party it's your her birthday, Chip. It is? Chip, did you get her a present? No, I didn't get her a present. Oh my, it's her birthday? Chip, honey, pose for portraits with me. Come here.

Oh yeah, of course. Coming. Bye, Chip. Dead man walking, dead man walking, Seb. Jealous, jealous. Look this way. We're taking your portrait right now. Hey, can we get the big green ogre to step out?

Please step out for just a second. No, he's my boyfriend. Where's security? Get this monster out of here. No, no, no. He's with me. All these freaks are with me. And she scoops up all of them and is eating the posing.

Okay, one with the freaks. We'll get one with the freaks. And they take a quick magical portrait. While Beef is posing for the portrait, a little monkey runs up and jumps on his shoulder and has a little hat. And he's like, oh, hey, little guy. You're so cute. And then his little button from his suit pops. One pops off.

Uh-oh. Oh, could that, maybe that monkey's a good gift for Chalice, huh? Oh, those are one of the palace monkeys. They're so cute.

Yes, like you've always wanted. No, I hate them. To kill. Wanted to kill, right? Come on, guys. Chalice is, like, pulling her friends

up the stairs. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. And the little monkey that jumped on beef Is probably there because there's a lot of just loose food On beef just like crumbs and things like that And just picking it off beef's shoulders And tummy

Another button pops off And so y'all enter the party And the king, King Cicero Greets you with open arms Huzzah! My daughter has arrived! Happy birthday, Chalice! And a huge magical banner spells out.

It's just kind of letters hanging in the air, these illuminated lights that says, Happy birthday, Chalice. And everyone inside screams and applauds. Happy birthday! Thank you. Look at all these people, Chalice. They love you.

They're like kiss-ass people from all over the kingdom and other kingdoms who come here to f***ing rub shoulders with Billy. Speaking of rubbing shoulders, dearest. Oh, they heard me? They heard. That was loud. It was a joke. A big birthday joke.

Ah, so, before we get the festivities underway, why don't you kind of work the room a bit? Hmm? We'll, uh, you'll see when you become leader of this land that it's very important to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. So, you know, why don't you rub shoulders with everyone and kind of do your schmoozing? This would be a great time,

don't you think? Sure. Chalice, having grown up doing this, just has a method that she uses. Chalice snaps her fingers and there's a spotlight on her and she grabs a flute of champagne and then just starts singing and walking around the room

and touching people's faces and dancing on them to get their attention. Let's have you roll. Give me a performance, Jack. With advantage. It's her birthday. Yeah, that's fair. First roll is an 18.

Whoa. Second roll is a 19. What? Wow. Okay. Let's see you live up to that. Old Mr. Crinkle is soon going to jingle the bell. That'll jingle all your troubles away.

Oh, my God. Everybody's waiting for... That's a Christmas song. I love that song when it starts. Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag. Because Christmas is coming again. He's got his label. They're going to play ball.

Chip finds this as a perfect opportunity to identify a gift shop nearby. Is there a gift shop in the entryway of the castle? There is not. You don't even have to roll for it. Oh, no. Now, if you do want to do either a perception check or something like that for anything specific that you're looking out for, let me know. You should go over to the present table. um like table there's gotta be a present table give me a perception check okay and then also while i'm looking around i guess i may as well try and

look to see if there's anywhere where i think that the contract room could potentially be and um actually beef why don't you give me a perception check as well? Okay. Also, just checking in on Beef, he's taking a little ladder and he's rubbing people's shoulders because he thinks that's what he's supposed to actually be doing. Diane, you have a huge knot back here. My God, we could really work on that. Chip, roll the 19 for perception. Oh, there's a present table. There's a whole number of tables set up in the back corner that are piled high with different presents waiting for Chalice. Okay. I'm going to spend some time there, if that's okay.

I'm going to be shaking, doing a lot of shaking of the presents, a lot of listening, seeing if I can get a peek, holding them up to the light, seeing if I can see if there's anything good in there. Because I don't want to get her anything weird. Yeah. The second you grab a present, though, you are approached by a guard. Hey, what's up? What's up? Yes, you can help me. Which one of these is the good one that I got her?

You know what I'm talking about? Do I know which present you got her? I'm sorry. You don't seem to know who I am. I'm talking about? Do I know which prison you got her? I'm sorry. You don't seem to know who I am. I'm Chip Ahoy. No, everyone here knows who you are. The famous liar. Yeah, yeah.

And Chalice's boyfriend. I think I put the biggest one here. Is that right? Size-wise? No, we've been keeping careful inventory of who's dropped off a present and you have not. Please help me out. I'm in desperate need. Okay, I was going to roll for intimidation, but now I'm on my knees begging you, sir.

I forgot to get her a gift. Chip, why don't you give me a persuasion check? I rolled a four. He looks around and while there's a bunch of applause happening, he signals to the other guards and they kind of pick you up under the armpits and like, not in a way that would totally embarrass you, just kind of walk you back to the group and say, stay away from the presence chip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a joke anyway.

Beef, what did you roll on your perception check? I rolled a 12. Okay. Plus one. So 13. 13. There's a bunch of different butlers,lers obviously moving around the room and helping with the festivities and uh you think you might have seen a familiar silhouette of a butler who uh

you care a lot about oh boy so beef is rubbing someone else's shoulders now. His name's Randolph. Yeah, Randolph. Hey, you see that butler across the way there? I can't look, I'm not looking, but can you tell me, does he have a pocket watch? The one that you're indicating to is kind of just walking out, maybe into the main kitchen area to go grab some of the things,

but he sees who you're talking about and goes, oh, yes, he, does he have a pot? I'm not sure, but he's good at his job. I'll tell you that. All right, well, hey, just keep a cold compress on this every other night and you should be good, Randolph.

All right, I appreciate it. I don't remember if I caught your name. It's Eloquence. Okay. Okay. Are you going after Percy? Not yet. Okay, cool.

I'm too nervous. I'm rubbing shoulders right now. Aw, beef. Chalice is laying on a piano for her big finish. Okay, okay. And the spotlight's still on her. You forgot? She's been schmoozing for so long.

This has been like a 45-minute song. Everybody's waiting. Everybody's waiting. Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag. Christmas is here again. Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag. Duh! Chalice, what an amazing performance.

Why don't you kick things off with... And then he points to this large, it looks like a chandelier for the most part, but it's almost like a disco ball chandelier crystalline hanging structure. And Chalice, you know this to be kind of a royal equivalent of like pinata. So, Chalice, here's the royal blindfold. Why don't you give it your best shot and open up this thing

and spill its contents for us all? Chalice grabs a huge sword off of one of the suits of armor on the side. And what should I roll? Give me an attack roll. All right, 14. It's not hard to hit this thing. This is for royal parties. They don't expect huge knights and athletes to be participating.

It's for the fancy folks. So this makes direct contact, explodes this crystalline chandelier, and little diamonds explode out of it all over the floor. And all of the guests drop their champagne and run and are just picking up diamonds off of the ground. Can we pick some up? Yeah, can I get some diamonds? Everyone give me a dexterity check.

I want diamonds. I love rich people parties. Oh, 19 plus one. Dirty 20, please. 17. 12. I got a 19. All right.

Yay. Everyone, divide whatever you rolled, and this might not be even numbers, but by five, and that's about how many diamonds you actually grabbed. Whoa. I get four diamonds. Can I roll for the monkey?

Well, give me an animal handling check. 16. You signal to the monkey to pick up as many as it can. I'll roll for the monkey. This is so fun. I just botched. No. You communicated well and it wanted to,

but he got a little scared. There's so many people going after the diamonds as hard as they could and he's too small. He didn't get any. I grab his little hand and I put him in my arms and I go, it's okay. We can't get another pet. We have a cat that we adopted this season that we haven't

acknowledged. We have a what? I know. I think I would have remembered that. We literally adopted a cat and never brought it up again. So we actually, I'm going to call this, we can't bring the monkey home. Oh, man. Chalice in the hubbub, can I roll to see if I can get info

on where the contract could be held? Yeah, give me a history check. 16. Okay, with a 16, you know that even since you were a kid you know your dad the king cicero plays his cards pretty close to his chest and he has like a potentially a bunch of secret places within the castle and they're always changing and so you really what you realize is you're kind of thinking about this logically is that you need to talk with someone who's like really in the know of what's going on in the castle today someone either really close to your dad who's in his

inner circle or like a very high ranking butler would probably be a good bet. Beef comes up to Chalice. Hey, Chalice, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. Just Ow, a button hit my eye. Oh, sorry. God, they're exploding off. Sorry. Just right over here in the little alcove here.

Okay. I know it's your birthday, but I do want to It is? He's so funny but I just I'm in a kind of a pickle right now I haven't told anybody in the group this because I just never thought that this

would happen but here we are what is it you remember when we all split up in the castle like way back in the beginning of the season? Yeah. And I was a butler. And when I got when we all met up, I was kind of moody after no one knew why I was standing. I was always hanging out by the windows with a shawl around my shoulders, looking out the window.

Yeah. You asked if we could make it rain to match your mood. Yeah, uh, I fell in love. God, with who? Ew, my brother? No. No. Oh, your brother.

Oh, yeah. No, it was Percival. The butler? Beef, this is great news. We can ask him for help. If you have a relationship with this is great news. We can ask him for help. If you have a relationship with him, then we can go and ask him for help. No, I can't see him. I can't go to... Come on.

I don't know if he wants to see me, though. I left on such weird terms. I mean, like, and I pissed on his dirt, and I don't know if he's even making a garden right now. I'll freak it out, shall we? I don't know what that means, but there's only one way to find out. Okay. Well, it is your birthday, and

I want to live, and I'm a big boy. I think I saw him go into the kitchen maybe a few minutes ago. Let's go. Come on. Should we get the rest of the gang, or should we just... Charles shoves beef into the kitchen. Oh, hey, guys. I was already in here. Oh, hey, Seb. And we get the rest of the gang or should we just... Charles shoves Beef into the kitchen.

Oh, hey, guys. I was already in here. Oh, hey, Seb. And we weren't looking for presents or anything. Do you think she'd like a knife or like, you know... Oh, you didn't get her anything either? No, I got her something. I'm not a sociopath, but I'm trying to help you out, man. How did you get her?

Don't tell me you and Beef split a gift. That would kill me. We split a gift. I asked you three times if you wanted in on it, dude. I thought that was a joke. It was a bunch of essential oils and, you know, a couple of bath bombs. It's a whole, you know,

treat yourself, do something nice for you pack. I didn't think elves had birthdays. And why is that? Beef! Chalice! I'm gonna roll for perception to see if Percy's in here. Cool. Oh, I got a nat 20!

With a nat 20, you can tell that it's Percy who's just leaving out of a back door out of these kitchens. That, as you recall, leads to that secret little area where there's a secret little garden and a closet within a closet. Okay. Chalice shoves beef in that direction. Okay, okay, yeah. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you?

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You open that closet that comes off of the main halls of the castle and you go push through to that back door and you are in this, you know, kind of forgotten cellar and you see percy is watering a garden that has actually sprung up and and started to bear uh some flowers uh percy is also out of wood like burned uh beef's garden into a sign and stuck it into uh ground. Thou art my eyes. See such beauty before me. Beef? Eloquence? Beef?

And Percy spills the watering can all over himself and falls. Oh, pardon me. I'm so sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Beef runs to him to help clean, get the water. I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Befriend Sim to help clean, get the water. No, I'm sorry. I have really unannounced to me.

No, I'm sorry. I'm so ashamed of the last time we saw each other. What? Mr. Beef. Ashamed? I owe you a thousand apologies. Me? Oh my God, Percy.

No way. Can't do. Zanu. I'm telling you, I owe you the apology. I was the one that lied, I was the one that ran away, I was the one that never called. It's beautiful in here, is that sage I smell? Yes. You've made a whole garden in here.

Thanks to you, Mr. Beef, and please, if there's anything I can do for you and your friends, I would love to be of assistance. Jeez, Louise, well, I kind of feel crappy that I do have something that you could actually help us with. Showing up out of nowhere and asking for a favor, but I know it's, well, it's chalice's birthday and um and it would mean the world to us if um you could help us uh find this contract that is actually supposed to kill all of us um at the end of the, me included. But don't worry, I think we're going to be okay.

I found my grandma, but my parents are dead, and it's not good. But, sorry, I'm saying a lot. Ooh, is that cilantro I smell? Anyways, would you know where the king would keep any important papers? Beef, while you're saying this uh you your eyes kind of drift down and you notice that the like embroidered badge on percy's robes don't say number one like you might have thought it actually says uh 67 oh oh um is everything okay 67. Ooh. Oh.

Is everything okay, Percy? Yes, I mean, I think this suits me better. I'm able to tend to my garden. I have more time, a lot less pressure, slower life. Are you happier? No, you're not here, but I'm making do. And unfortunately, I don't know much of the high security things anymore like I used to,

so I'm not able to help you and your friends. I'm so sorry. That's fine. That's okay. Hey, this might be kind of a crazy suggestion, but do you want to get out of the castle? Like, do you want to, like, get out of here? Like, maybe not now. I'm kind of busy, but, I mean, like, we could meet.

I have one day off every two months, and I would love to take you out on a date. I'd love to go on a date with you. Sean, can I direct them in, like, someone who might know? Yeah, yeah. Percy definitely knows. It would be, like, the number one butler. Does he have a name?

Yeah. His name is Riz Master Flex. Jesus. Beef, I know that you're... Are you sure, Sean? I'm doubling down on that. Beef, I know that you're short on time, so you should talk to the number one butler, Riz Masterflex. It's a real name.

I know it doesn't sound like a real name. It sounds so weird coming out of your mouth. I know. It's horrible. Horrible coming out of your mouth. But I will see you soon, okay? Good luck. And he leans

down and gives Beef the most incredible kiss that's ever been kissed. Zowie wowie. Okay. I'll find you. And Beef's like backing up while he's saying all this. You're one great guy.

He gives him finger guns. I didn't mean to do that. Oh, jeez. Okay. Toodaloo. Cool. So, Beef, you enter the kitchen and see the rest of the gang. First off, your boy got a big old kiss. What?

What? From whom? Oh, my God. I'll give you the dirty, dirty deets later, Chip. We are on a mission. Okay, thank you. We are on a mission to find, this is going to sound insane, a man named Riz Master Flex.

Oh, my God. Elliot is going crazy. He hates that name so much. That's insane. Someone asked for Riz Master Flex. Oh, hi. much that's insane someone asked for riz master flex oh hi and riz master flex is standing at attention in front of you he looks like fred flintstone come to life like you know same body and face but he's wearing immaculate pressed butler robes and he has guy fieri here. Riz Master Flex here. Number one butler. Oh my God.

Gross. Oh, Joss, happy birthday to you. Is there something wrong? Why are we in the kitchen? Yes, I was actually looking for you because I know how talented you are and how capable you are of helping. I was wondering if

you could bring me to where the contract I'm supposed to sign is. I know it's in a really special place. If you could bring me to where you think it might be or where you know it is. I just want to give it a once over. I'm really excited to sign it. And I just had an early birthday gift to myself. I wanted to reread it. Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Master Flex is so pleased to hear this. Wow. Your vibe is wild. Yeah. Okay.

Three different people. I know. It's three different names. Give me a deception check with advantage because one, it's your birthday. Two, you complimented him. And three, he's essentially here to serve you. 17 and 24. Okay, with a 24, he's like, well, definitely.

That's so exciting. Of course. What a momentous time to sign the contract. Your birthday. It's perfect. Well, you see, the king hasn't exactly told me where he's hiding the contract. But I guess I could go ask him. Do you want me to just ask him?

No. I kind of want to surprise him. So if you could just give give us where you your guess is maybe where he keeps other important documents oh this is delightful yeah okay um they all look over at the kitchen knives because they're all thinking about killing this guy beef i'm scared beef i'm scared i don't know how this guy got number one. He's erratic, man. No, here's the thing.

I see it. I get it. Okay, Elliot is gone. I feel like he knew something that we didn't. Sent something. So it really comes down to like three options, okay, the way that I'm thinking about it. Possibilities. One, I bet your father's legal advisor, Shrew

Distute, he might know something about where it was kept. You could always ask Demona Kistris, your father's lover. Lover! And let's say maybe the third option.

I do know of a secret passageway that I see him take when he thinks no one's watching. Of course, I have to be ever-present, but out of sight. I've never followed him down the secret passage, but it does exist. Could you lead us to the entrance of that secret passage? We'll try that first. Oh, everybody's coming? Charles, is this okay? Yes, of course. They are my best friends, and I want them to be there when I sign such an important contract. Okay, okay. I'll get some, you know, champagne ready for when you make the big announcement,

and you found the contract and signed it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to surprise him tomorrow. No, no, no. I'm going to, don't tell him. That's so important to me that you don't tell him. Chalice, whatever you say, okay? I'll turn a blind eye. And he pulls a candelabra that's on like the side of the hallway.

And it is a lever that turns a large portrait into like a doorway that was in the hallway. You can't use it as a present, Chip. It's attached to the wall. No, Chip's trying so hard to rip it off. And he's just going back and forth and closing and opening the portrait. You guys, we don't have time for shenanigans.

And Tal starts to walk down the hallway. Yeah, it was just a joke you're walking through a passageway and this is you know this is your classic hidden passageway this is not meant to be seen by others it's not lavish in any way it is just a cold dark stone passageway so you guys if you do not have dark vision it is pitch black you won't be able to see anything right now does anybody else have dark vision no no i pitch black. You won't be able to see anything right now. Does anybody else have dark vision? No. No, I don't. I was just going to say that Elliot, the monkey,

is smoking a cigarette. So you can see the glow of that, but that's it. So Chip is leading a conga line style train down the hallway. And we are conga lining. Oh, yeah.

Happy birthday, Charlie. Jennifer, you look like a pile of laundry today. Thank you. The suit is so big on you. What do I see? Do I see doors or a fork in the road or anything like that? It's a curving passageway, and you have to take it for about a full minute before you see a door.

That's just like a wooden but thick and sturdy looking door at the end of this passageway. And it is locked. Does anybody have any thief's tools type of skills? I feel like that's not our cup of tea. I'm kind of honest, so no. Oh, I do have thief's tools. That was perfect timing after what Ben just said.

Give it a shot, Beef. I grab Beef's hands and I like place them on the lock on the door. 14 plus 4. Okay, with an 18 you're finagling with that lock and you hear a. And the door actually creaks open for you, Beef.

A couple torches that were on the wall magically illuminate in this dark, deep, magical red fire. And you see in this room is essentially like a vault. Give me an arcana check. Was advantage for me, 18? Okay. 19. Both of you realize that there is a big mirror in the room

that also looks pretty magic. Oh. Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Beef. Sorry. So fast. What is wrong with you? How many times?

Jeez. Oh, my God. That was insane. I'm so glad that doesn't work every time. And you see that a Bloody Mary appears in all of your hands. Oh. Oh. Uh-huh.

Okay. And there was a wish scroll that Beef happened to be stepping on at the time. Oh, what a waste. It disappears that wish. I hate Beef. Beef, we could have wished for anything. We could have been like gods.

Yeah, but now we got Bloody Marary's we could have reversed the curse i hate tomatoes i'm gonna take my bloody mary oh yes happy birthday here you go chalice no that's okay you can't give her a drink for her yeah no that was that was a joke that was a joke wow well sorry about sorry um we're mad beef we're not gonna lie to you i'm mad damn it i'm gonna just save kind of everything forever but whatever um who dares disturb the slumber of the magic mirror sorry us and who is us i'm um former princess chalice and i'm looking for some paperwork do you handle that paperwork i do not handle the paperwork i am simply an answer to a question incarnate.

If you don't know where the scroll is, do you know where the king keeps important records potentially? I certainly do. Oh, great. Can you tell us? I'll tell you this.

The person who knows their name's Kistris oh it's my dad's lover all I ask in return oh I already gave you the info I wanted a kiss thank you mirror bye

I get so lonely and the door closes behind him you are back within the party within moments. So Demona Kistris, you get pointed in their direction. It's a middle-aged woman with dark features and streaks of silver running through her black hair, wearing a black and poisonous-looking green dress. Do we know of her?

Yeah, do I have any experience with her? We've never met her before, right? You've never met her before. Josh, you want to give me a history check? 23. With a 23, you remember, you know, it's rumored that she has a lot of power of her own, maybe magical, and also kind of known as someone

who may not have the highest morals and is, for all intents and purposes, very rude, if not borderline cruel, to all the staff within the castle. Chalice walks up and introduces herself. Hi, I don't know if we've met before. I just wanted to formally introduce myself to someone who matters so much to my father.

Oh my goodness, Chalice Glass. You do not have to call me mother. Wasn't going to. That's horrifying. I actually sort of have a crazy, sort of a bit of a secret to tell you. Okay.

So my dad got you a present for my birthday, and he told me to hide it in your secret hiding spot that you guys hide important stuff. He has a couple of those. Can you just remind me of the one that you guys use? Wait, I'm a little drunk. You said you got me a present?

What was it? My dad got you a present for my birthday, and he asked me to hide it so he can give it to you later. That's a present? What was it? My dad got you a present for my birthday, and he asked me to hide it so he can give it to you later. That's a thing? I get presents for your birthday? Yes. Isn't that so nice?

Okay. Because you get advantage for your birthday, this would be a disadvantage on this check, so it's just going to be a regular roll for Deception. 19. Yay! Wow! I want it to be Chalice's birthday every day when we go on

an adventure. That's so funny. I can show you a secret place. I guess that would... I'm one of the few people that has access to your father's bed chambers maybe we just go okay i did not like how she said that yeah okay yeah let's do it let's do it are you wearing shoes that you're all comfortable with them getting wet. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yep.

Okay, right this way. And she goes to walk out of the party. People are constantly, anytime you're moving in and out of the party, going like, Princess Chalice, happy birthday! I'm an ambassador from Niles. I would love to talk with you a little. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Yes, thank you. Kissed her.ed my belly. Yeah, she kissed all their bellies on the way by. And you're taken out into the Great Hall through a bunch of different areas within the castle,

higher and higher it seems. It's kind of a, maybe even like four to seven minute journey throughout different towers to get to where the king's bedchamber even is. And you're brought to the door where Demona takes out a heart shaped key from between her bosoms and places it into the keyhole and clicks the lock and opens it up. And you see King Cicero's bedchambers. into the keyhole and clicks the lock and opens it up. And you see King Cicero's bed chambers. It's very lavish, dark, like blood red pillows and blankets

and large windows that overlook the entire kingdom. You can see all the little like patchwork of almost like stars, but they're, you know, lights of Frasier out there in people's homes and things like that. What a patch. Ellis, you're dead, fucks. Oh, beef.

Is there a mirrors on top of this canopy? Ew. Don't point any of it out. Don't, guys, seriously. My shoes are absolutely ruined. Oh, guys, stop. You guys want the tour, guys. Stop. You guys want the tour?

Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, God. If there was some sort of secret, there's this door in the back of the closet that I've never been inside, but, Jealous, you're more than welcome to get in there. Okay, you wait out here so you don't see the surprise. No peeking. You wait right here, and don't see the surprise okay you wait right here and

then chip's gonna cast sleep on her roll 5d8 the total is the number of hit points of creatures i can affect roll them bones 26 that puts her right to sleep her eyes shut right before you and she starts to wobble and fall backwards. She falls to the ground. Yeah. She falls to the ground and I start to like try and pick her up and put her in the bed

but she's kind of stuck to the ground a little bit. So I have to like and stand like Oh God. No. So yeah, she is now sleeping soundly.

You've placed her in the bed. Okay. Okay, guys, let's just get out of here as quickly as possible. We go to the closet and we open it. There's a door back there. And once you open it, you see that there's a secret room that comes off the bedroom that's kind of like a private office or solar for the king. There is an ornate mahogany desk that is sitting in basically the middle of the room.

It's almost an oval office situation, but a private one with a bunch of trinkets and odds and ends strewn across the desk and some of the shelves around. And it's beautiful as well. But the main focus where all your eyes is diverted is this desk. Yeah. Can we start rummaging? Yeah.

Give me an investigation check for the desk. 22. Chalice, you are looking through the desk. You go through every drawer. There are contracts there, but they're more like just like contracts of the crown screwing over smaller private businesses and pretty much making it so that monopolies are allowed to run smaller businesses out of business. It's almost nauseating to be going to these contracts to even read anything about them, but you are not seeing the contract that you know would be binding for this until you see something on the desk that is a slight bump. It's a very ornate desk. So there's like ridges around the side that have been kind of cut into the wood. And you notice that one of them looks a little bit off and you push down on that flourish in the wood, that little ridge.

And it is actually a secret button. When you touch it, a compartment comes forward. Almost like a TV tray coming out of a table kind of a thing. And you see in there is the contract whoa y'all we did it okay what do we do we touch it do we grab it ours looks so good compared to it this is gonna be easy little swapperino well i'm scared if we touch it that something's gonna to happen. Maybe we have the monkey touch it. That's a great idea. Great idea. I actually love that idea. I love that. Perfect.

Elliot, you're up. Give me an animal handling check again. All right. 14 plus 3. 17. Elliot kind of looks back at you, nods, and goes over to the contract and grabs it. There's like a hesitation before he grabs it

he's moving his hands closer and closer and then he grabs it really quick and jumps on top of the desk and just panting waiting to see what's gonna happen and nothing does hey good job okay jennifer don't get jealous oh my god i could do. He didn't do anything I can't do. You can barely hold up a piece of paper when we're working. Yeah, well, watch this. And she tries to grab just a feather that's, you know, like a quill on the desk and gets really lightheaded from trying just that exertion. Oh, Jennifer, you have so much clothes on. You should just rest.

You really need to just rest. Thanks, guys. Jenny's going to take five. Okay, so I guess we put our contract that we wrote in there, and can we take the contract that was there? I don't know. Should we burn it?

Or have the monkey eat it? Oh. No, I'm just joking. Let's not do that. Okay, I guess let's burn it. Yeah, let's burn it. No evidence. Is there a fireplace in the secret place?

In this office? There's got to be. If you're looking for a fireplace, give me a perception check. And Chalice, you give me a perception check on this to see if there's a fireplace. 16. With a 16, you see not only that there's a small fireplace and you're seeing that it goes up to the ceiling so that the smoke can get out, obviously. But as you're looking more towards the top of this room, and it's a smaller cylindrical type room, so higher ceilings, but small surface area. When you're looking towards the ceiling, Chels, you also notice something horrifying. There are mounted heads of animals

and these animals are actually the swans from that previous episode. The babies as well as the mother. Your father was not true to his word and he took them and has them mounted here.

Oh my goodness. Chalice has a rage in her body that she's never had before. And tears start streaming down her face. And she just completely drops the contract. And then just starts walking out of the room. Back to the party. I'm going to try and redo the mechanism that Chalice Undid

to put the fake contract back in there. Okay. I guess I still want to complete this task because otherwise we just have an extra contract. Right, we got to burn it. I can maybe use the cigarettes from the monkey. Is there already a fire burning in the fireplace? No, no.

Okay, then I don't want to light a fire because then there's evidence that we lit an additional fire there. So I'm going to use the monkey cigarette. I think that's a great idea. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And then we look at the monkey and it's already burning from the cigarette.

Oh, my God. Oh, oh. And so the contract is burning. But Chalice has now left the room. Yeah, I follow Chalice. Yeah. Can we like take the monkey who's holding a burning contract with us and we all

follow Chalice? Yep. And the contract is almost acting like a torch right now because the top is burning. It's burning through. Chalice is a little bit ahead, but y'all catch up just as she's re-entering the Great Hall where her birthday party is happening.

On the way to the Great Hall, Chalice, because all of her mother's portraits have been covered with, like, cloth, and she just is pulling down all the portraits to reveal her mom on the wall

again as she's walking down the hallway. Hey, girly. Hey, girly. Hey, girly. Let's just take a breath, maybe. Chalice is smiling and walking so quickly. It's like she can't even hear beef. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, guys. We better gear up. This is woman rage. It's the most powerful thing in the universe. Chalice, you reenter the Great Hall. Chalice, even though there's tears streaming down her face, she goes around to every group of people in the room

and she talks to them for a moment and puts her hand on top of their hand. And she's smiling. And she's wearing the tooth of the swan and she is sending every single person in the room the memory of all the worst things her father has ever done including promising to not kill these swans and killing these swans anyway so she's sending that to every single person in the room before she gets up to the stage a lot it seems like take this in and are like aghast and like looking at the king and it seems like looking at him in a completely different light and others are looking more at you like

upset that it seems like you are maybe not on the king's side or not going to go the way that they thought maybe some of the folks in a room who are very entrenched with the king i'm going to walk up onto like the stage like the center part and i snap my fingers again to get the spotlight on me chalice with like smile manic face tears streaming down her face. This is the most upset Chalice has ever been. There is no way that I am related to this man. It is impossible that I am related to this much evil.

I demand a DNA test on the Centauri Povich show right now. Happy birthday to me! It is? The whole gathering, happy birthday to me it is the whole uh gathering everybody at the party gets into like a stunned silence record scratch basically and they look from you to sentory povich and he's like kind of taken aback and the king is also now making direct eye contact with you, looking very serious. Chalice starts, there's mascara running down her face,

and she starts just grabbing anything that's made of glass, and she's smashing it on the ground. Whoa. All the champagne glasses, all of it. Beef does it too. And the king goes, A thousand apologies, everyone. Looks like this party might be coming to an early end. Seems my daughter has been over-served.

Oh no, we're just getting started. And she throws a champagne glass at him. She's only had one Bloody Mary. I had two. I did have two. It was her gift. She had a couple Bloody Marys. They were very strong.

They were pretty strong. In a very, it's scary at how calculated and subtle this is. He opens up the lapel of his robes, and he actually allows you to glimpse a rolled up piece of parchment tucked into his inner robe pocket. The real contract. And King Cicero smiles a wicked smile while he sees the recognition in your eyes. And you think to yourself, of course he keeps it on his person.

He's the only person he trusts. He's two steps ahead of you and has been since you were born. The gang is sitting on the steps of the castle and Chalice is holding a champagne bottle and they all look worse for wear. Happy birthday, Chalice. Happy birthday, right? Chip.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Chip scoots over puts puts his arm around her he's like first of all it's your party you can cry if you want to that's the first thing um but second i got you this um and it's this rectangular wrapped gift and i hand it to Chalice. Chalice opens it. It's um actually was while you were kind of out and about I went into your childhood bedroom and actually found this drawing that you did and then I ripped a frame off the wall and I put it in the frame and yeah I came up with this today. I forgot it was your birthday. I'm so sorry. Chalice is looking down at a drawing that she made of her and her mom

and Peppa the hedgehog when she was little. And she holds it to her chest. This is the best birthday present I could have ever gotten. And she cries. She like scoops up all of her friends and she just cries on the steps. And then the monkey farts. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.

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