SitcomD&D - S4 E18: The Centaury Povich Show

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Fed up with the misdeeds of King Cicero, Chalice and the gang guest on the Centaury Povich show to figure out if Chalice and King Cicero are biologically related, but with so much on the line the gang attempts to take matters into their own hands.Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Elizabeth, to the best of your ability, can you explain the plot of that movie? This man from the past gets dizzy when he looks at a clock that sends him forward in time to the same home that's now a recreation of his life because we're forward now in time. He was a famous inventor. He reluctantly falls in love with the maid of the castle. Wait, but isn't it

present day? It is. She's just the maid of... She's a reenactor. She's a historical reenactor. She has her PhD in him. Whoa. She studied him. Wow. That's kind of sexy. Isn't it? But we never get to see him put his PhD in her, unfortunately. Elizabeth wanted to see tits.

That's the ad. It's okay, guys. I went home and watched Mulholland Drive, which really filled my quota. Are there a lot of boobies in there? There's a lot of boobies, boys, in Mulholland Drive. So run. Don't walk. If you're into that sort of thing.

Out of my way! Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. real play Dungeons and Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up with y'all in the green room of the Centauri Povich show, getting your hair and makeup professionally done. It is happening. You were able to leapfrog the schedule

and get into the very next episode pretty easily because, duh, this will be the most anticipated episode of the Centauri Povich show in its long-running history. The king and former princess are going to be on for God's sakes. Come on! It's such a big deal that people throughout Frasier are buying the dish, that dwarven illusion shield turned major image receptor, just to watch this magically broadcast event. And this building you're in should be familiar to you all because it's where you were when you broadcast Beef's Sexy Diapers segment.

Could never forget. Now that said, there are several different sound stages and studios within the building and the one you'll be in is recorded in front of a very excited studio audience. So we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day

We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horton Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else

Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Welcome to another episode of the Centauri Povich Show. I'm your host, Centauri Povich. And he stands up on his horse hind legs. This show where we definitively answer the age-old question, Who's your daddy? Boy, do we have a show for you today, folks. Not only do we have several couples and families anxiously awaiting paternity tests and infidelity disputes,

but our final guest of the evening will be none other than King Cicero himself and former Princess Chalice. Folks, I know it seems ludicrous, but I assure you it's the truth. Folks, I know it seems ludicrous, but I assure you it's the truth. In fact, right now, Princess Chalice and her team are in hair and makeup in the Centauri Povich Green Room as we speak. So with all that, let's get the show on the road and introduce our first segment. What do y'all say? And the crowd roars. So much noise that you all can hear it in the green room where you're getting your hair and makeup done.

Chalice is pacing back and forth in the green room while the hair and makeup people try to do her hair and makeup. But she's so nervous she can't sit still. Are we supposed to get our hair and makeup done? Because we're not going out there, right? Yeah, I feel like I'm being a little bit ignored. Maybe my hair just looks so good. Beef, I think your hair looks excellent. Well, thank you. I mean, Wanda's doing a great job.

Wanda, thank you, Wanda. He's not my dad, right? It's definitely gonna be negative, right? He can't. He can't be my dad. I just know it. I just know it. He's an awful man. Awful. Yuck. Awful. And you're nice. Like, yeah. You guys seem nervous. You guys seem like you're lying. No. No. No one's nervous.

Really be nice if you weren't. Because then we, like, could get out of this curse and stuff. That would be so good. So you should definitely not be his kid, right? Yeah, that would actually be tight. Yeah. Right. Jennifer? I've never looked so beautiful in my entire life.

And she just has like a little Marilyn Monroe wig resting on top of her head and huge eyelashes. And in that moment a middle-aged human wizard wearing small spectacles with circular lenses and sporting a well-kept short gray beard enters the green room wearing white robes

that look similar to like a white coat like a doctor or lab technician might wear. He's carrying a jet black, all leather, very slim rectangular trunk by its handle. You can think of it like a case, but brief. I'll just call it a briefcase for short. And you can't help but notice that the briefcase is shackled to this wizard's wrist. Hello, everyone. Pleasure to meet you. I am the resident wizard of the show, Rizzoltario. I'll just need to swab your mouth here, Chalice, so if you wouldn't mind saying ah.

Um. No, not um. Ah. Ah. And he takes a little cotton swab type thing and swabs your mouth to gather your saliva and DNA, and then he promptly puts it in his mouth like a sucker. What? And sucks it.

Ew. Whoa. No, no, no. I've seen this before. I don't know what like a sucker. What? And sucks it. Oh. Whoa. No, no, no. I've seen this before. I know what he's doing. He's working, guys. He's working. All right.

And something's working because inside the briefcase, you see like a magical burst of light blue light, like a robin eggs hue of blue kind of like illuminates from inside the case. You just kind of see it pouring out a little bit and then it falls down again. It's a boy. The results, the results are in there? Yes, the results are in and have been accounted for you on your envelope, which is locked inside here. Crazy. It smells like a hot pocket when it does that. That's how I know it's done. So, so what's the result? She's like good to go, right? Oh, see, here's the thing. I've created these glyphs to do the magic for me by using my body as a

conduit. And what's so fun is I don't even know the results until I open the envelope and look at it and report it to Centauri on stage. I hope you all get whatever results you're looking for. I'll see you out there. I must get ready to deliver the results for the first guest here soon. Oh, where are my security? Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse? Mr. Cooper? They come in and

Ben's applauding. That's an awesome one. That one's tight. They have pretty chic looking black plated armor and chain mail and are at his side. So we're ready to move you to the next room to get ready for the show. Okay, excellent. Well, then I will be on my way.

So, again, I hope you get the results that you're looking for and everyone have a great show. And he heads out. The results we're looking for. You know, the results we're looking for is for Chow's not to be related, right? Let's just be honest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but what we got is that she's pregnant.

No. She is? No. You said it's a boy. No. You're pregnant? It's like a shitty game of telephone. No.

We haven't even had sex yet. It's immaculate? Oh, my God. Chalice flops down in the chair and puts her hands over her face. Oh, I wish there was just a way to like guarantee that i'm not you know i'm sorry that's what i was building up to this might be really kind of out of the blue but what if we did the old swapperino you mean what we just did yeah didn't we just wasn't that yesterday flips through notes of what episode came before this. Didn't we just do a swap?

I do feel like I've recently said swapperino, and that's not usually in my vocab. No one has ever said that before. What kind of swap are you thinking? I was thinking maybe we just swab my mouth. Or, Beef, if you're up for a mouth swab, we can swab your mouth and switch. Yeah, I could be pregnant. Yeah, sure, Beef.

Well, if we're all swapping, then, okay, dibs on chalice. And then, Chip, who do you swap with? Who do you get? We're not swapping couples. No, no, no. I'm saying we swap the envelope that's in the case to say no match or whatever. I feel like we can probably make that happen. Yeah, it's just crazy how close this is to what we already did and failed.

I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't care if it's redundant. If it works, then it works, okay? I don't did and failed. I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't care if it's redundant. If it works, then it works, okay? I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. It's another Swapperino. So this is a guarantee that she's not related to him instead of the possibility that she is?

Yeah. Okay, now I get it. But you're definitely not Chalice. Right. But just in case you are. Do you think we could take on that guy's security? Those three guards? PWC?

What do we do? What do we do? Kill them! Or just whatever. Jesus, Chip! We promised each other we were going to hold each other accountable to not impulsively kill as many people as they have. I'm sorry.

Maybe we watch the first result and then that way we can see what the envelope looks like. And what the card looks like yeah and what the card looks like so that we can like you know write the note not a match or whatever smart okay as centauri is introducing the first guest you hear some like oh excuse me excuse me coming from you guys as you scooch into seats in the very back of the studio audience kind of like standing room only actually dang i was gonna be in disguise. Were you going to be a curtain? No, I was going to be a trash can.

Absolutely roasted. Yeah, that is. You absolutely roasted your ass. That was awesome. Well, obviously, we've got a real star-studded lineup for you fine folks today. But the show has to start somewhere. And boy, does it. We've got two individuals back here that I can't wait for you to meet. Let's see a magically pre-interpreted

and recorded session that came from our wizard. And everyone sees a magical major image cast above the audience, and what you see is Shniz Dimpley talking straight to camera. Hi, my name is Shniz Dimpley, and I've got five children. One's hanging off my nipple here, and the other one's hanging off my other nipple here, and the other three are nowhere to be found right now. And I have a bone to pick with Fudd. He is the father. He's been living in the house.

I've been cooking him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He's been clocking in and clocking out. And then all of a sudden, he says he's not the father. Oh, I'm going to get his ass. Wow. And, of course, we've got Fudd himself, Fudd McGuffin. Let's hear from him before we bring both of our fine folks out. Hey, what's up?

It's Fudd. That's Fudd, like the sound I make when I fall to the ground when I'm drunk. That's right. When I'm not at home, I'm getting paid to eat things like Band-Aids. And there's no way these children are mine. You want to know how I know? Because I gave one a Band-Aid, and it wouldn't even put it in its mouth. Little milk drinker, that's FUD, as in the sound I make when I get hit by a car.

FUD. Well, what do you say, folks? Should we bring them out? Okay. Let's bring out Schniz Dimpley and Fudd McGuffin. You want to hear what my fist sounds like hitting your face, Fudd? Probably Fudd, too. I know what sound it makes. Can I get a Fudd Fudd?

No, everyone quiet. Don't enable this man. He's trying to be a DJ instead of a father. DJ band-aids and all he does is eat the band-aids. They don't even make music. Yeah, but I get a whole lot more gasps and then people's inhibitions are down and then they boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, my butt goes fud. All right, so there's a lot being said right now. That's for sure. But a question that I have for you two,

you are living together currently? Yes. Happily. He sleeps in my bed, Fudd. What does that mean? I guess the question is, Fudd, what makes you believe that you're not the father of these fine, adorable children

that we're seeing images of? Oh, I cannot wait to hear this. After you've eaten as many band-aids as I have, that stuff don't swim down there anymore. I'll just say it like that. Alright. Well... Wait, was that not enough? Like, what?

Why don't we just bring out our resident wizard and see the results, shall we? Bring them out. I know what the answer's gonna be. And the wizard unlocks his briefcase, takes out an envelope, opens it up, reads the card, whispers to Centauri Povich, and Centauri nods.

The results are in, folks. And Fudd, you are the father. Oh, this is wonderful news. Oh, my gosh. Oh, you want it to be. Oh, I just didn't this is wonderful news. Oh, my God. Oh, you wanted to be. Oh, I just didn't think it was possible. Oh, my God. You silly little bitch.

I swear to f***ing God, you throw this at me again, you f***ing f***ing fud. Like the sound my heart makes when it finds out that I'm a father. Oh, I just hope I can be better than mine. Wow, lots of twists and turns. And that's just our first guess. Get them off the stage, please. Everyone in the van. Daddy's here.

Well, folks, we got plenty of more show for you coming up right after this break. And so you guys see what type of envelope is being used, and they are, like, very specific, almost exactly square, with a blue wax stamp closing them shut okay and you also saw that on the envelope was like the individual's names who were up what about on the inside of the card because my only thought is we probably have to match what's inside the envelope too wouldn't rosalitario notice if it was like a weird different envelope that he's not used to having?

He probably would, but you don't see what he's seeing. Okay. Couldn't we intimidate him into saying what we want him to say and then we don't even have to switch anything? There's a lot of different ways you could. I'm leaving it completely up to you guys how you want to go about this. Okay. So how about this?

I'm a trash can. I go and intimidate. What if they throw the envelope out in between sets and you're the trash can? Oh my God. Go right backstage and pretend to be a trash can. Maybe you can get the envelope that way. That's a great idea.

I unzip the front of my stuff and just a trash can comes out. Sean, you promised you'd let Ben do this. You promised. I know. And there's been countless sleepless nights you'd let Ben do this. You promised. I know, and there's been countless sleepless nights I've endured because of this. And

what I've come up with is that Seb must carry some sort of, like, pack with him that has, like, a lot of supplies, because he's into puppets. He loves costumes like this. I think you have a lot of disguise kits that you are carrying with yourself at all times. We've just never explained that Seb has a huge backpack with him

everywhere he's been going. Did I not say that in the first episode? Okay, so, yeah, you are a trash can. Oh, God. So I'm just offstage, kind of like in an area where it says all props that are now trash go in here with like a little arrow. Nice. Maybe I don't even have to have that. No, why not? I'm just trash can. Why not?

I'm this far. Give me a stealth check to see if you can become a trash can without them noticing backstage here. Yo, it's a natural 20 plus 1. So like I'm the stealthiest little boy. Okay, excellent. I'm trash. Alright, in any other episode, these two would be the I'm the stealthiest little boy. Okay, excellent. I'm trash. All right.

In any other episode, these two would be the closer. So please, let's hear from the sun and the moon. First, let's see the sun. Hey, I'm the sun. I'm a bright shining star and whatnot. And I just am here to say that there's no freaking way that the moon is a clone of me. I don't believe it. Just because he follows me around all day doesn't mean he moon is a clone of me i don't believe it just

because he follows me around all day doesn't mean he's my clone okay i don't have any clone there's one sun in the whole solar system and that's me get over it moon get over it wow well we got to hear from the moon now hey it's the moon and there's no way that that sun is a clone of me it's always following me around and I'm sick and tired of it. All right. I can't wait to be on this show so I can tear this person gravitationally. Oh my God.

This is what would happen if the sun and the moon were on. Oh my God. Let's bring them out, shall we? Please welcome to the Satori Povich stage, the sun and the moon. And then out float really tiny versions of the sun and the moon floating and burning. Oh, you barely see them.

I thought they'd be way bigger. Sorry. The studio audience puts on sunglasses like when you look at a Nikolaus. I'll put my sunglasses on too. And then you see that the sun has a big smiley face too. I can barely see you. It's so dark on the dark side of me. So I put on night vision goggles for me.

You didn't even used to talk like that before you met me. I'm an original and I'm the only one that exists. You are not my clone. No, that's what I'm saying. I'm not your clone. You're my clone. I gotta point out, as you both are gesticulating, your hands are moving at the same speed

in the same way. You're almost mirroring each other exactly. It's uncanny. But how can you see us both in the same room? Everyone can see you. We can all see you both. You came out to the stage. Usually I don't like the audience talking, but yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. You follow me

around all the time and I hate it, okay? You're like the little nerd that's beside me when I go to parties and people are always like You're the one that's always following me. I'm not following you. That's my house that you're at. Read the results. Read the results.

Read the results. And the results are in. It's a match. What's a match? Wait, what does that mean? Yeah, what does that mean in this game? What does that mean? Are we clones?

You're clones of each other. Which is who? But who's a clone of who? We don't know that. Oh, dang. Hey, Moon. Yeah? I'm now thinking maybe the two of us are clones of something else entirely.

And maybe we'll find out on a different episode. Get off the stage. All right, have a good night, everybody. It's been a blast. Love you, everybody. And Riz Altario walks back to just offstage, looks at the trash can, gives it a second glance, and give me a performance check as a trash can.

The role you were born to play. 17. I'm trash. Okay. Without even thinking much about it, he's like, wow, they got Ali specific of where this trash needs to go, what kind of trash, and tosses the envelope inside. Nice.

Yeah! All right. Yeah. Did you do that? No, I didn't. Ben said it. That was Ben. I don't know.

That was Ben, Sean. Okay. All right. You're on thin ice, pal. All right. So now the envelope and the result is inside you as the trash can. And I'm picturing you're kind of like at the bottom of the trash can,

maybe like with some fake garbage piled on top of you. That's how I'm visualizing this. That is correct. So now you felt that land in there. You saw it. What do you do next, Seb? I got to get out of the trash can. Okay.

Give me another stealth check to see if you can get out of there without being seen by Mr. Price, Mr. Waterhouse, Mr. Cooper. Can the three of us surround the trash can to help him be more stealthy? Yeah, I take some trash out of my pocket of, like, gum I had earlier, and I pretend to walk over and throw my trash away. We're not gonna have to worry.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. I forgot that sub was in there. Jesus. I rolled a 16. Does that... That was terrifying. So you stepped out of the garbage can

that you were inside or wearing. Yeah, and I got like a little soft serve ice cream cone on my head and a piece of gum on my glasses. Very fun. Cute. And the security, one of them looks over and is like, shh, the show's happening. What are you doing? Sorry. Quiet down.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Loud trash. Get back to the green room. What are you doing? No problem. No problem. Looking for ice cream. We go back to the green room.

We look at the card now. So is the card, say, not a match or does it say it's a match or whatever? Give me an investigation check. You guys can go about this however you want. 13. You open it up and it is blank. The results are blank? Yeah.

They're blank. Do they just appear for a moment? That's what I'm concerned about. Can I do some sort of like arcana check on it? Smart. To see if there's some magical property that like makes it invisible or otherwise? Good call. Yeah, give me an arcana check. Uh, botched. Sorry about that.

Seb, with a botch this looks like a very normal piece of paper and you're more certain that it actually doesn't have any magic than anything else. This is college ruled paper. Can Chalice try to do minor illusion on the paper to see if that will work? Minor illusion.

That's something you can cast on something. Yeah, you can create, like I can create writing on a page with it. Is that a cantrip or is that an actual spell? It's an actual spell. Okay, because it only probably only lasts like a minute or 10 minutes or something like that. So if you're doing it to test it, that's fine. Just be aware of your spell slots. Cool.

I'm going to test to see if that works. Okay. What would you like to appear on it? You are not the father! Exclamation point. Great. Okay, that writing appears on that card. Cool. Will I be able appears on that card. Oh.

Cool. Will I be able to do that while I'm on stage, though? I don't know. Sean, can you let us know, like, is it a big thing when she's casting that spell? Or is she able to do it, like, subtly without anybody else seeing it? She'd be able to do it subtly. Okay. Okay.

That's pretty good. But what does it say when it is? Maybe it doesn't say you are not the father. This is a good question. This is the question. It could just be not a match. I liked what you did, though, Talis. you are not the father. This is a good question. This is the question. It could just be not a match. I liked what you did, though, Talis. You are not the father, exclamation point.

That was adorable. I know, but what if it's not that? Oh, we should kill those guys. We should kill the bodyguards. That's what I said. No, we made an agreement. It's just not us anymore. Now, we've got another guest for y'all lined up

who are in a bit of a dispute. So, first, let's hear from Gigi Peru. We've got another guest for y'all lined up who are in a bit of a dispute. So first, let's hear from Gigi Peru. Hi, I'm Gigi Peru. And I'm trying to prove that my boyfriend is not the father of my son, Pencil. He wants to be the father because my son's so cool. He can skateboard, he can spit, and he can talk like a sailor. But my boyfriend, Juke, is not the father, and I'm here to prove it.

Wow, that's a lot from Gigi. That makes a pretty compelling case. But, of course, before we bring anybody out, we'll also need to hear from Juke Steele. Um, hi, yeah, I'm Juke Steele, and I think there's no doubt in my mind that Pencil is my child. Clearly, we're two peas off a pod because of our coolness. I've seen skateboarding. And that video got cut short. We couldn't do it much longer than that. All right.

So let's bring them both out. Should we bring them out? Yeah. Come on in, Gigi Peru and Juke. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

What's up? Juke, no. You're a nerd. You're my boyfriend, woo, woo, woo, what's up? Juke, no, you're a nerd. You're my boyfriend, but you're a nerd, okay? I grew out of my glasses. I don't even need them anymore. I'm cool now. Juke, the couch is over here. I know.

I'm sitting on a coffee table. I like the coffee table. It's what I have sex on because I do it a lot. No, you don't. Can we try and get an angle on this where we're reading over his shoulder? Risaltario's shoulder. Nice.

Okay. Give me a perception check. One of you. Maybe from like a catwalk or something. Oh yeah, like above the stage. That's really good. Yeah. Seb, change into your rig walk-in gear.

Absolutely roasted by beef again. You're on fire today. absolutely roasted by beef again i rolled a 17 okay chip uh you do see that there is a catwalk for like magical lighting that happens like a rig above and behind essentially behind, essentially, the main stage. Cool. I'm just going to be up front. I'm definitely not the most stealthy and light on my feet type of guy. So if anybody else wants to crawl up there and get a good view of this thing, be my guest. I know a certain stealthy little bard.

Are we all thinking it? You? You, Jennifer? Hell no! Oh, then maybe. Oh, thank God. Yeah, I know. I'm a lot of things, but I ain't quiet. That's for sure. Fine old Jimmy up there.

Chip, will you do the honor? Okay. I throw him towards the bottom of the ladder. That's amazing. And then I climb the ladder. Okay. All right. So, Beef, now you are standing on top of the catwalk. But first, it'll be just an acrobatics check. This won't be too difficult, but it's almost like you're on a balance beam to get to the spot where you need to get to. A six plus four, ten.

Okay. Can Beef walk like a catwalk, like thinking it's what models walk on? Yes. Yeah. I mean, yeah, man. I can freaking walk like the best of them. So I'm giving hips. I'm giving hips. I'm giving face. Walk, walk, fashion baby. Work it, work it, work it.

That bitch crazy. Walk, walk, fashion baby. Beef! Shh! Oh, sorry. And then I slip. And I'm on all fours. And I'm kind of doing some hair whips now.

This is choreo. Runway fashion contour action. And now I'm on all fours and I'm kind of doing some hair whips now. This is choreo. Runway fashion contour action. And now I'm looking. Now, usually we don't do this, but we love to make this as dramatic and potentially as traumatic as possible. So we brought Pencil here today too.

Should we bring Pencil out? Yeah! Come on out, Pencil! Hi! This is Pencil. He's cool and he's not your son. Check it out. Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Manuel. Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Kiklet.

Pencil, don't you believe that I'm your father? It's me, Duke Steel. And I didn't change my name to make it sound cooler. My name was not Griswaldo before. Yes, it was. I know it. Your mom knows it. And we all know it.

That's right. We all know it. Beef, give me one where you're like, okay, I have to actually just try to stay up here. And this is gonna be for stealth. Okay. 14. Okay.

With a 14, you make some noise up there. And audience members, you see their eyes kind of dart up, like they're looking away from the set and the couches where the show is happening, and are making eye contact with you. I put my finger up to my mouth and I go, shh. And then I point back down. That ought to do it.

That ought to do it. I have a question here. That ought to do it. Are you trying to convince them of anything? Or are you trying to intimidate them? How about this? I'm going to intimidate them because that's my highest. Holy shit. Okay. I'm going to put my finger up to my ear. And then I'm going to put my finger across my neck. Oh, okay. And then I'm going to point at every audience member. Holy sh...

That made eye contact with you? Okay. There are... I'm going to roll a D6 to see how many of them there are. He does it one at a time? For each audience member? Yeah, I go, shh, neck, you. Shh, neck, you.

Shh, neck, you. That is kind of scary. There are four of them. There. Neck you. Shh. Neck you. That is kind of scary. There are four of them. There are four of them. Now give me an intimidation check. Okay, it's a 16 plus 8. Oh my God. Give me four of them because you did it four individual times.

Okay, a 7 plus 8. Okay, 15. A knack 20. Holy shit. That guy scared shitless. That guy's running home. Oh, I botched. No. Okay, 15. An act 20. Holy shit. That guy scared shitless. That guy's running home. Oh, fuck. I botched.

No. Okay, okay. So three of them are so, so, so, so scared. Okay? The third guy's so scared that he passes out when he sees you up there. But the fourth person is like, what the fuck is going on? And you see them get out of their chair. They're on an aisle chair.

I want to message Chip. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Chip. What do you need, bud? I made a whoopsie doodle. You got eyes on four o'clock. Audience member getting up.

Got it. Four o'clock. We got to take him out. Four o'clock locked. On it. Over. So that guy is exiting where the studio audience is into the main, I guess you

call it like hallway or lobby area to go tell like security. Oh, perfect. I got this. I run up to him. Oh, excuse me. Do you know someone who works here? I've got to report something very strange. And I'm like, I'm kind of blocking him, but I'm trying to look around him.

I'm like, whoa, do you just see what's going on? Whoa, that's crazy. You're missing it, dude! Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to report something very scary. No, dude, look! It's not what's happening up there, dude! Okay.

Whoa! Give me whatever check you feel like is right as far as deception, performance. Okay, okay, okay. Eve, that's what you're looking for, right? Yeah, whatever you think that was. I'm going to go with performance because personally,

I think that was one hell of a performance. Okay, what do we got? We got a 15. Okay. With a 15, he does turn around and look back from where he just came, sees the show kind of carrying on as normal, and then looks back up.

And Beef, have you made any moves at this point? Are you still there? Yeah, I got to still be there because I still need to look at the thing. Yeah, so he still sees Beef up there, and then he turns back to you, Chip. Well, do you see that there's a little man up there? I touch myself and I go invisible. Okay-hmm. It's, well, do you see that? There's a little man up there. I touch myself and I go invisible. Okay, perfect.

This is perfect. Wait, you saw the little man up there? Yeah, like a halfling. I think I saw a halfling up there. Dude, you're so lucky. That halfling grants wishes if you see it. Well, I didn't make a wish. Oh, no, don't worry.

You have to write it down and stuff it in your sock tonight and put it in your sock drawer. What? I've never heard of this in my life. Okay, do I make it out to anyone in particular? It's just a wish. I write it down and put it in my sock drawer. The cat halfling guy? Catwalk halfling man, I think is his name.

Okay, give me a persuasion check. Okay. I'm sorry, a deception check. Why? Give me a deception check. Yeah, why? Oh, God, a nine okay i don't know what are you i saw something i don't know kill him he looks back and he's like he was just there i swear i gotta go talk to security i should i look i look and i don't see beef and i

say like okay dude you can either get a wish or you can look like you're a little outside your mind right now. Okay, because there's nobody up there. So whatever you want to do. All right, well, I'm going to go tell security. So just go ahead. Okay, well, you just lost a wish. I'm going to steal yours. And that's how it works, actually.

And he goes off to go tell security that there's somebody up there, he thinks. And Chip does later that night write a wish in a sock, even though he made it up. Well, Pencil, why don't you weigh in here? Do you think that Griswaldo is your dad? No, I want him to be because he says cool things like he has sex on the coffee table and some stuff like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I'm cool? You're so cool.

You're the first guy I've ever met that owns six pairs of the same shirt. It's responsible. Centauri, I can't take another minute of this. Read those results. If you find a shirt you like, buy all the shirts in different colors. Buy the same shirt six times in different colors. If you like it enough, it's worth it. I promise.

And pulls out the card. Bingo. Now, give me an investigation check, Beef. Okay, 18 minus one, so 17. Okay. With a 17, what you see is when you look at the card, it is completely blank. Again.

However, you catch kind of like a blue magic light that reminds you of the light you saw come out of the briefcase previously. And where you're actually seeing that from is through the circular spectacles that are on his face. So you're like seeing over his shoulders through the spectacles. You can tell that you can only see this writing through those glasses. Oh, no. Okay, so we need the glasses.

And the results are in. No match. No. I knew it. I knew it. Come on, Pencil. Kickflip, kickflip, kickflip. Dujie, are we still dating?

No. Oh, God. He lost it all. Wow, such a dramatic turn. But you know we still got the best coming up after this commercial break. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Do you guys all want to regroup? Yeah, we're back in the green room. We're all in a huddle. Yeah. Okay. Oh my gosh, these craft services are amazing.

I know. The sandwiches are delectable. You know, usually the vegetarian option, not great. But this cucumber and cream cheese... You guys! What? Vegetarian option, not great. But this cucumber and cream cheese... You guys! What? My thought is, basically, it's invisible ink, right?

That means the ink is still there. So, Chalice, you don't even have to use minor illusion. All we have to do is get a card that does say not a match. But it says the name on it. It says the name on the envelope. That's a problem that we will address later. Oh, God. I don't have a solution to that.

All we need is a card that says not a match. Well, couldn't we cast Minor Illusion on the envelope to have it say? That's a great idea. So we're going back to you casting Minor Illusion. So, Chalice, you cast Minor Illusion. Plus, plus, you're last. So whatever envelope's in there, he doesn't even necessarily have to read it. You know, it's the last one in there.

So he's just going to pull it out anyway. Okay. Great. So let's just go to the trash can. Fishing. Yeah. The trash can is still there. Seb wasn't in it the whole time.

He came out of the trash can. Uh-huh. And Resultario had already thrown one in there. I assume he threw the second one in there. Oh, he sure did. Well, now it's a habit. There we go. Okay.

So we searched the trash can and we look for that card. Okay. The guards, since you guys weren't even trying to be stealthy about it. Yeah, the security. PwC? They see you dragging through the trash and like,

we told you to get into the green room. What are you doing with this trash can? I forgot something that I need for going on stage in the trash. I threw it out by accident.

Please just give us a second. What was it? It's a, my hat, my special hat for being on stage. Special hat, and Beef takes out

the banana peel. Yeah, it's your special hat. Here you go, Chalice. Oh, there it is. Thank you. And that's the future of our kingdom, huh? Good lord.

What'd you say to me? Whoa. Really rude. Just go about your business. Chalice, Chalice. Sorry, we're trying not to kill you today. Pardon me? Nothing.

Nothing. Okay, and so you guys have the result. I would like like to i don't think i've cast this this season i'd like to cast mending where i can like mend a torn piece of paper and what i'd like to do is put the not a match in the envelope that we have and mend the envelope back together so it looks like it was never torn okay uh yeah that works incredible Waleed is on fire alright guys y'all are on fire we're all on fire but Waleed is

no I am not on fire I was said I was looking for my special hat for going on stage and there's a banana peel on your head I am the liability

and now there's a banana peel on your head you do have to wear the rest of this you do have to wear the banana peel Chalice it looks good though it looks really good

this is literally one of the worst days of my life. Why do you got a penis on your head? Okay, what now? Now, after all that, there's only one thing

left to do. The switcheroo. The swapperino. That's right. No, the swapperino, damn it. It's a swapperino! Okay, so here's what's happening. You have the result

that you want in the envelope. The envelope has been mended. It just has not Chalice and King Cicero's name on it. Cool. So we just got to make a swap with the envelope that is in the briefcase that is shackled to that man. So I kind of did a lot of the other stuff. Oh, no, no, no.

We need you. Chip sits down. No. He starts eating lot of the other stuff Oh no no We need you He starts eating some of the craft service We can use disguise self And pretend to be a new security guard Oh that's a good idea Yeah I think maybe we can not kill The third guy But we'll just like steal him into a back room of some sort

Yeah make him fall asleep We have sleep I can make him fall asleep And then I'll them into a back room of some sort. Yeah, make them fall asleep. We have sleep. Cool. We got sleep. I can make them fall asleep and then I'll drag them into back room. Great. Which one should I dress as? Who seems like the most powerful?

Whichever one's the prettiest. Waterhouse. Waterhouse for sure. Should we roll for attraction again? Yeah, we roll for attraction. Okay. Nat 20. Oh.

Whoa. Meant to be. Meant to be. Okay. Nat 20. Oh. Whoa. Meant to be. Meant to be. Okay. Whoa, 16. So I will, I'm going to try and sleep and stealthily sneak away with the body of Waterhouse. Okay. Who isn't dead. Okay.

Okay. Cool. We got to roll them bones. He might be pretty tough. Okay. So I'm going to roll that 5d8. Okay. Does 24 work?

24. He gets very, very sleepy. His eyes start to droop. And he fights it off. No! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Does he suspect anything? He does not suspect anything. He just thinks he's getting really tired. Okay. I have hold person. I do have three spell slots. I could do it three times. Oh, okay.

Before you even use another spell slot, though, he does a huge yawn, and you see him kind of whisper to one of the other guards from where you guys are watching all this kind of go down, and he's going to excuse himself, and he's on a direct path to, like, walk by you guys where you're, like, on looking. Okay.

He enters the green room and goes straight to a big pot of coffee that's been put out. Oh, okay. And now he's pouring himself a nice cup of coffee. Should I poison spray him? Yeah. I think we got to kill this guy. Oh, no, he'll attack us.

We're on a time crunch. Yeah, we're on a time crunch. What does hold person do, Elizabeth? Hold person, choose a humanoid that you can see within range. The target must succeed a wisdom saving throw or be paralyzed for the duration. What's the duration? It's a minute.

That's enough. That might be enough time. Let's do that. Okay. Beef's going to cast hold person on this very sleepy man. Mr. Waterhouse. Okay. So now he's got to do a wisdom saving throw, right?

Correct. Okay. So Mr. Waterhouse, he rolls. Ooh, a three. So, he is immobilized. Go, Chels. Go, go, go, go. Chels takes off running and then walks up to the two other guards and the wizard and

yawns and goes, ooh, I needed that coffee, fellas. And you're disguised as Mr. Waterhouse? Mm-hmm. Wow. Okay, great. So, boss, can I talk to you over here for a second? Oh, yes, Mr. Waterhouse. I'm ready to go on stage to deliver the next one.

I know. I wouldn't bother you unless it was urgent. What is it? He takes a step even deeper side stage with you. I hate to do this because you know those guys are like my brother. you i hate to do this because you know those guys are like my brother but i saw the two other guards messing with your case while you were distracted and sir i think i it would just be for the best if i checked double checked and made sure they didn't mess with anything i would hate for the integrity first off take a step back all right you sound strange and you're bringing up

something that is so alarming. I saw my best friends in the whole wide world, my brother cousins. That is why I will be double-checking it. You just don't move, okay? I'm going to double-check. What do I do? What do I do? He puts it on a small table.

He unlocks it and takes a look at them of what's left. Can I use suggestion? I just want to make sure. Disguise self might wear off if you cast a spell. I don't know if that's... I'm looking. Oh my god. Can I like try to sleight of hand it? Hell yeah. And so you're just going to... Sneeze.

I'm going to sneeze so loud and try to swap them. Okay. 30, 20. 17 plus 3. Alright. There's a super loud sneeze. He is, like, startled. And in that sneeze, as your head moves forward and you have your hands cupped to your nose

to capture all the potential moisture, you kind of double over and you swap out your new results with the actual results for Cicero and Chalice. And you put that into your pocket as you now go back to standing straight up. And you see that Resultario is like looking at himself to see if he got sprayed with snot.

But really, he didn't too bad. I thought I told you not to move. Oh, sir, I'm so sorry. I have to sneeze. You know, I'm going to run to the green room, get a tissue, get some more coffee. Get your s**t together, Mr. Water know, I'm going to run to the green room, get a tissue, get some more coffee. Get your shit together, Mr. Waterhouse. I'm sorry.

And Talos goes running. And he like goes through his case, kind of make sure everything's in order. All here. He closes it, locks it up. And now it's time to present the next one. So he makes his way on the stage. And for our next guest, very excited about this one. We have Razzmatazzle coming on to figure out which one of her three boyfriends is the father. Well, let's hear from Razzmatazzle first. Oh boy, I'm so embarrassed. I've been caught

having three relationships at the same time. And boy, howdy, wouldn't you know it? I had a kid. Oh, they're all claiming to be the father, and I don't know which one it is. They haven't found out really about each other until today. I hope they're not mad at me, Razzmatazzle. And just for everyone here, Razzmatazzle submitted herself to the show. I did? Must have been drunk. Probably drunk.

Currently drunk. Let's bring out Razzmatazzle and the three boyfriends. The three what? What? Sorry, boys. I did a mistake. I made a mistake, and I'm so, so sorry. One of the boyfriends is beef.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Beef from, like, the singing and stuff, right? Yeah, that's me. Oh, my gosh. Jeff? Jeff Just singing and stuff, right? Yeah, that's me Oh my gosh Jeff? Jeff, you're here too? Yeah, I'm Jeff Yeah, I know

Your brother Jeff is one of the guys Your brother Jeff is one of the guys That's why you're here Oh, I thought you were like emotional support Now I'm mad at you, darn it I didn't know you were dating Raz We're just having fun You know what?

She's all yours. She's all yours. What do you mean? Fight for me, boys. Fight. Honestly, I was thinking about breaking up with you this weekend. What? You weren't?

I thought we were already broken up. What? No, boys. You all love me. I thought we were just having fun. Honestly. I got an invitation to come to this and it was covered in jelly. That wasn't jelly.

Wink, wink, wink. Don't want to know what that was. So we'll keep moving along, and we got the results here. Thank you, Wizard. All the boys are holding hands. I hope it's you. I hope it's you. Yeah, I hope it's you, too.

Thank you. And the result is it's a match. To who? Oh, yeah, okay. And the Wizard whispers to Centauri. Oh, it says the sun. Whoa. Uh-oh.

Oh, that was a one-night thing, but I'll keep it going. Hi, Raz. It's good to see you again. Hi, you're the dad. Come over here. Give me a smooch. Oh, okay. Be careful I don't burn you.

Whoa, that kiss was hot. We dodged a bullet, boys. I know. You guys want to go get a beer? Yeah, let's go get a beer. Oh, but I gotta come back for Chalice's results, my girl. Oh, Flub. You know Chalice? Oh, yeah. Whoa, that's cool. Ask me anything.

A train leaves Tokyo going approximately 430 kilometers. Not bad. Alright, this show is off the rails. I gotta get to commercial break. And now, you're all in the green room. Chalice, you meet with the rest of the gang.

How'd it go? How'd it go? Yeah, what's going on? I don't know. I don't know. You don't know? You don't know. I don't know.

I sneezed. You sneezed? I sneezed and I switched the envelopes. But the name on the envelope, I can't change it until I'm on stage. That's okay. I gotta be there

for the flight event. Okay, it sounds like you did it. You did it. Yeah. Why don't you have yourself a vegetarian sandwich? Calm down. Okay, yeah, yeah until I'm on stage. That's okay. I gotta be there for the flight event. Okay. It sounds like you did it. You did it. Yeah. Why don't you have yourself a vegetarian sandwich? Calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's something in your tummy. Oh my God. I think you're up next, Chalice, too. This is perfect timing, okay? Are we going on stage, too? I think we're standing back behind her. And now for the moment

you've all been waiting for, King Cicero himself. And there's slight tepid applause. And former Princess Chalice! Welcome to the stage! And her entourage! Ah, and her entourage!

Oh, yeah! And so, y'all are on stage, and the way that this is set up, again, is Centauri is standing because he has a horse bottom and he's got his like note cards and it's like looking across you where there's two small couches and on one couch is the king and the other is filled with Chalice and the rest of the gang. Okay, so do you have anything that you want to say?

What does this mean to you as far as the results? What would entail if things went one way or another? Well, I'm pretty sure that a man this evil could not be related to me. Chell still has a banana on her head. I just know it. And you know what? I think it would mean that I completely renounce the throne and I never have to be associated with this family ever again. It would be insane for him to hold me to that if we are not blood related. And I would just like to

say that I think that this is a teaching moment as a parent. It's a delicate balance of nature and nurture that creates a child. For I can certainly tell you it is not the nature that is making Chalice act this way. It's the nurture. It's the parenting. And I blame myself for her acting out in this very foolish manner. Bullshit! Sorry. I think I caught a sneeze from that guard.

Gesundheit. Now, I think we should get this silly business behind us as soon as possible so we can all get back to work, putting Frasier back on its feet again, huh? Now, can we just get on with it and have the results brought forward? Let's go. Well, I won't be the one to stop it. Is this what everybody wants? Studio audience, do we want to know the results? And everyone goes crazy.

All right, Resultario, please bring forward the results. Okay, well, this is of such a momentous occasion. And he puts down the briefcase and he unclasps it, opens it up, and grabs the final envelope there. opens it up, and grabs the final envelope there. Chalice does the white background to cover up the name and then puts Chalice and Cicero's names on the envelope. Okay. So he sees that. It's the last one in there.

Opens it up. Looks through his spectacles, which gives him the ability to see the magic writing, which says, no match. And he goes and he whispers to centauri centauri which is like leans in nods and then goes no match looks like cicero you are not the father never would have guessed it chip's doing a bad job acting, I can't believe that that's what it says. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

This just makes me just as bad as him. This is the nurture that he's talking about. I'm a schemer. I'm a liar. And pretty. Oh, my God, thank you. I'm better than this. You know what?

Here's the real envelope. We switched it out. Read the real results. I don't want to be like him anymore. This is what this is about. Me not being like him anymore. The whole audience gasps and resultario just turns like ashen.

I had one job. I had one job just to protect the envelopes. I can't do that. I don't want to get this guy fired. Sorry. Yeah, we did a really good job. We're really good at this. so it's not his fault. Yeah, don't blame him.

Oh, God. Yeah, we even put the constraint on ourselves that we weren't going to kill anyone, and we didn't. He was a trash can. I was the trash can. He was a trash can. No, no, no. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this.

And he just takes off his glasses. He just leaves them, and he just exits. Chalice, are you sure? You want to know? Yeah. I'm ready. Okay. Chalice, are you sure? You want to know? Yeah. I'm ready. Chalice walks over and picks up the glasses, takes a big deep breath,

and she looks at the envelope. This is such a good episode of the Centauri-Povitz show. Yeah. This has to be high rating, right? The highest rating. Oh, ratings are through the roof. Again, so many people just bought the dish just to watch this.

This is like mash finale rating. Chalice with like shaking hands, you pop the blue wax seal, take out the card, and then you grab the glasses, Risaltario's glasses, and place them on the bridge of your nose, and in

blue magical writing, you see glowing back at you no match oh my gosh i didn't even have to chalice puts the card out it goes no match oh my god it's a blank card for the audience they're all kind of cheering but like looking back and forth seriously and she gives uh centauri the glasses and hands him the card. It's true. I can't believe this, but it's true. No match. The gang is doing the money dance, but the no match dance now.

No match. No, no, no match. Hands on my hips. The wizards that are like a camera operator almost who casts major image is given the glasses so that even folks at home who are seeing this can now see that it says no match. Oh, cool. And the king stands up and goes, This is ridiculous. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Clearly, it's already been shown that the briefcase was tampered with and envelopes have been tampered with. This is a mistrial. A mistrial. A ridiculous. And he just storms out. Chalice is high-fiving people in the audience. And they start chanting,

Chalice! Chalice! Chalice, Chalice. Chalice tries to do the worm on stage, but she's never done the worm before. So she sort of just flops for a second and then just gives up and gets back up and starts high-fiving people again. Seb has taken a Tupperware out of his big, well-established, external-frame backpack and is filling it up with the vegetarian sandwiches that Kraft has made. frame backpack and is filling it up with the vegetarian sandwiches. Wow! And there was one more avu that says,

you guys are my parents! Jennifer. I feel like you've hit on us enough times that that's weird. Yeah, this is like a weird Oedipus thing. You look pretty though. I believe the question on everyone's mind at this point is, well, who is Chalice's

biological father? And the answer, after this commercial break. Oh. And we're back. They insert the commercials later. Oh. We're back. Chalice, your biological father is a man by the name of Hanson Henricks.

Huh? Who? I don't know. That's what the wizard told me, and he's never been wrong. Come back next week and tune in for another unbelievable episode of The Centauri Povich Show. The best show on the dish. Nay, the best show in the universe.

Chalice is so disoriented that she's sort of wandering in front of the screen, like blocking him a little bit while he's trying to do his outro. She is completely out of it now. And Chip does later that night write a wish in a sock, even though he made it up.

And Beef comes into his bedroom and he takes the wish. Chip wakes up in the morning. It's missing. This has to be an end credit scene. We'll see it at the end. it's missing this has to be an end credit scene we'll see it at the end

sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews Ben Briggs Aaron Keefe Waleed Mansour and me Sean Coyle Arnie Parr

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