SitcomD&D - S4 E2: The Infiltration | Beef's Attempt

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

When the gang splits up to discretely infiltrate the castle grounds, Beef will attempt to get access to Chalice by posing as a butler. But when it becomes clear that only the number one butler has access to the royal family, Beef will have to pull out all the stops in order to rise through the ranks and dethrone the current number one butler, Percy! Even if Percy is super nice and smart and attractive. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Theme Song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean Coyle Edited by: Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, Ben. Yeah? Are you going to change your character name to Sebastian Von Humpalumpa Grant? Why would I do that? Someone needs to watch the new trailer for Wonka. Oh, yes, because Hugh Grant plays the Oompa Woompas.

Yes. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. O yes, because Hugh Grant plays the Oompa Woompas. Yes. Oompa. Oompa. Oompa. Like Bridget Jones, Dones, Jairies. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. This is where all my character names come from.

Gidget Bones. All right. Oh, my God. I just made that connection. Really? Really? I will say it took me a long time to realize the jelper one that one wait what's jelper jim jim halpert oh Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Last episode, you all attempted to use Frasier's underground aqueduct system in order to get into Glass Castle and get close to Chalice. But ultimately, the king was two steps ahead of you, and it was clear that wasn't going to work. It was then that you all noticed a long line of workers waiting to go over a drawbridge and through a gatehouse marked employee entrance. And you all got an idea. And so now the three of you have decided to spread yourselves out amongst this line so as not to rouse suspicion. The towering walls of the inner ward dominate your view, constructed with white stones that stretch so high that those in line

cannot even catch a glimpse of the castle grounds beyond. The people in line around you look like this is just another commute to the office. Their expressions range from sleepy indifference to blatant boredom as they wait to get their workday underway. Seb, you are closest to the front. Chip, you're more in the middle of the line. And Beef, you're the furthest back in line. And Jennifer is kind of just like weaving in and out doing a thing. And you're all trying to think as quickly as you can about what the heck you're going to say when you get to the front.

And as Jennifer zips past you towards the front of the line, she screams, Five gold says I find challenge first. You guys know I'm good for it. May the best rat win. And we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we'll pick up there. Quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling.

Dice! Dice! Chip and beef at the noble bottoms of As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass.

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. So, Beef, you're in the back of the line. What are you disguised as or dressed as right now? What do you look like?

I still have my white tighties on right now, and that's it. Perfect disguise. Bold. Well, I had to shimmy out of my latex spider suit, and that takes a while. So my skin is pretty red from the irritation of that, but I'm ready to go. I've been standing in line. I've been sniffing people's butts just to say hello.

Okay. Why don't you give me a perception check? Okay. Seven. With a seven, you're pretty far back, but but up front you notice a commotion that gets a few like loud noises and before you can even really take a good look at it there is kind of a blur looks like a tiny chef with like some kitchen equipment flying out of it is being attacked by some like dark black magic and flies off the drawbridge into the moat. And you hear something on lines of like, doesn't work.

But you just think it's a random person who maybe didn't want to work today. That's funny. So now Beef has moved up a little bit in line. Beef, why don't you give me another perception check? Oh, another seven another seven you see chip kind of bump into someone up ahead you don't really know what happened there but someone left the line ahead of chip and you were able to see that chip did successfully get in okay um beef casts message to my pal Chip that I think is inside.

Hey, man. Oh. You in? Sorry, just getting used to this magic thing. Yeah, I'm in. I'm in. I do a twirl. Can you see my twirl?

Yeah, I'm getting used to this spell thing, too. He scared me. Dude, magic isn't scary at all. I don't know why you're so scared of this thing. This is awesome. Well, just you wait. Just you wait. Chip is frightened. He doesn't know why it's going to get scary. And now he's nervous for the rest of the season, just as a heads up. Hey, just you wait. Just you wait. Chip is frightened.

He doesn't know why it's going to get scary. And now he's nervous for the rest of the season, just as a heads up. Hey, man, are you still there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd you get in? What am I supposed to do? What's the sauce? What's the secret?

What's the 411, the 999? I tried to do a little steal of somebody's ID card. You need an ID card. So I tried to steal somebody's, but I'm not good at the sleight of hand because I have big old sausage fingers. So this guy gave me his. Sausage. Don't get distracted. Beef. But you got those stealthy little hands. I think you could just sneak on up and grab somebody's. Okay. BRB, baby. All right. Bye. Good luck. D-C-Y-L. Love you. Love you too. Beef, you notice that you've got like five people maybe in front of you right now. Okay. I'd like to use sleight of hand on the person behind me. Okay.

So they're wearing their employee badge around their neck right now. Is there anything along with sleight of hand that you want to try to do in order to give yourself some sort of advantage on this check? Persuasion. Okay. I'm going to tell them, and this is what i'm going to do is i'm going to tell them that their fly is down and that i'll hold their necklace for them while they zip it up okay roll with advantage that's awesome you should You should. That was not a natural 20. And then 18 plus 4. Whoa.

They are super embarrassed. Oh, my God. And they bend over very quickly, and they hand you their employee badge. Yeah, here, hold this. Oh, perfect. Good thing you caught that before you went in. All right, got to go. Can I have my employee badge back? No. Good thing you caught that before you went in. All right, got to go.

Can I have my employee badge back? No. And then can I cast disguise self on myself now so then I am him? Sure. You certainly can. So beef all intents and purposes becomes the exact replica of this guy. I turn into him and I go, no one's going to believe you. And then I turn around and I'm going to check in. And you are next.

Employee badge, please. Top of the morning to you. Real heck of the weather we're having, aren't we? This guy stole my badge and then turned into me. I don't know what this guy's talking about. I have my badge here, as you can see, my credentials. Okay. What is this guy talking about, though?

That's my brother. He tries to follow me wherever I go. He really wants to be me. Don't you, Steve? Oh, my God, no. Beef, why don't you roll for deception? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say.

Okay, 11 plus 6. Oh, hey, man. We all want to be somebody. Go be yourself. And he just kind of pushes the other guy to the side. What the f*** is happening? The badge got swiped, and he goes, Oh, you're one of the butlers.

Good luck today. And then you don't really know what that means, but you move right along. You too. With that, you move over the drawbridge, into the gatehouse, and out into the light of the castle grounds. Your eyes, beef, they're immediately drawn to the sight that dominates the landscape, which is an enormous castle. Glass Castle, which is maybe unsurprisingly not made of glass, but instead is composed of

polished white stone, and its countless towers of varying size are stretching out towards the sky. It's definitely the tallest structure you've ever encountered in your life. And on the towers, you see the Frasier banners of purple and gold. And you notice the castle itself is also like super clean and sterile looking. It kind of gives you the heebie-jeebies how unnaturally stark this castle appears to be. But it's not the only building inside this inner war. There are a bunch of different buildings, much like a college campus. There's a stable that you see that's like the size of an air hangar. There's an armory, a bell tower, and a bunch of other buildings you don't even recognize. But you are on the main immaculate limestone path to the castle doors.

And before you know it, you are showing your badge once again. And as you're ushered in through these enormous white oak doors, you find yourself inside. It's got its stained glass windows, polished marble floors, enormous chandeliers, and just these ceilings that go up and up and up. You can hear your footsteps just echoing around you. Feels more like a museum with too much space to even fill than a place a family would live. It's right here that I'm reminded, as you step further in, of the last line that you had in our previous episode. In fact, it is the last line of our previous episode. Beef, why don't you give me a constitution check with disadvantage? Well, the first one I rolled was a two. Okay, well, it's that or worse.

A 16. All right, with a two, you have to pee, and it is an emergency. You've never had to urinate so bad in your life, and you've been walking through these halls of the castle long enough to know that you're not going to be able to get outside quick enough for how bad you have to go. Why don't you give me a perception check? Oh, God, I really should have pissed when I was in the ducks. 16. Okay, with a 16, you do see a door, and it looks like a door that's not used too often. you do see a door and it looks like a door that's not used too often. And you open it and you see that it is a storage closet. And when you close the door behind you, you are in the dark, but there's light on the back wall where you're about to urinate that outlines another rectangle that could be a door. And when you push that, you see that it opens into a cold stone space,

kind of the size of a living room. It's a cold stone creamery. Filled with a bunch of like dusty, broken, forgotten things. But in the far corner, you do notice a splash of sunlight pouring into the otherwise dark room. Someone should dance in that light. So you gotta to pee. What are you going to do?

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot. Should I just piss on the sunbeam? So when you go over to the sunbeam, you notice that sunbeam's falling on some, like, other forgotten clothes and relics and such. But underneath it is just a bunch of dirt. Well, piss absorbs dirt. Piss is liquid. I piss on dirt. Okay, well, piss absorbs dirt. Piss is liquid.

I piss on dirt. Beef successfully pisses on the dirt. Yes! And now... Yes! Woo! Okay. Oh my god. End of episode. Finally. After I think about dancing in the light, and then I piss in the dirt,

and then I change back into myself. Here we come come chalice we're coming for you hey you snap to attention just see a castle guard is actually approached and they immediately pull your badge close to their face for inspection whoa little butler huh well you're running late today of all days, huh? Let's see what number you end up with then. And you don't really know what they meant, but before you can even think about it too hard, they're pushing you on your way, getting you to where you're supposed to be. And it isn't before too long that you find yourself in the butler quarters.

It's almost like the equivalent of like a locker room within the castle, but the air is filled with an aura of formality and precision. Everything's made of rich oak. The room just exudes a stoic elegance. And there's over 50 butlers assembled there donning their hybrid tuxedo robe outfits with practiced efficiency. The atmosphere is one of focused preparation

as the butlers meticulously groom themselves for their duties. Now, Beef, when you change back into yourself, there's no clothes in that storage, so you're just in your whitey tighties again, I would assume? Okay, yeah. I grab a towel near me, and I twist it up, and I go to whip someone's little tush. And that person's little tush belongs to Ben's character. Ben, do you want to describe what your character looks like? Yes.

All right. So my character for today is of the Aarakocra race, which is just giant bird people. And their name is Brett Bourbon Boy. You can call me BBB. And I'm just a pigeon man. And I sound like this. Hey!

Wow, that's fancy. Thank you! Okay, so this pigeon man, butler, just got swatted, and he turns to see a little man who is basically just in his whitey tighties and is not having the proper decorum befitting any sort of butler working in the castle. Oh, gosh. A waterlogged corpse. What the hell?

Good morning, team. And it's undead. Butler over here, ready to serve at Beef Bowls. I wouldn't let you serve me a freaking sloppy bit of slop. And then I open your mouth up and I spit into it. I swallow it and I say, mmm, de-lish.

Ew. And so this does not go unnoticed by another butler in the room. Waleed, would you mind introducing the NPC that you'll be playing? You see a gnome that looks like a classic garden gnome with a chin beard and all. He even has like one of those big red pointy hats. But he is also wearing a beautiful tuxedo on his body itself.

And he's adorable and he's old. But you can also tell that he's kind of sassy. You can kind of just tell. I can tell. I'm sorry. Your underwear has far too many holes. What are you doing in here? Oh, um, I was just running late. The alarm clock didn't go off.

You get that. I don't get that. No. Excuse me, boys, but I need to go to my locker. Boys, how dare you. I, of course, am Barnaby, Edward, Ellington IV. But, of course, the butlers here call me Beef. But I don't recognize you, sir.

What is your name? Oh, my God. Beef freaks out and he looks at the badge that he has and says the name on the badge. My name is Eloquence Wellington. And I need to get ready to go to the Royals. Maybe if you were not chit-chatting so much, I could be getting ready. I haven't said a word in quite a long time. ready. I haven't said a word in quite a long time. And so Beef, aka Eloquence, nervously turns around and goes to one of the oak lockers and opens it up to find nothing in there and is kind of in sheer

panic mode when our final guest NPC notices them and might have an idea that somebody, Eloquence, them and might have an idea that somebody eloquence forgot their uniform today this is percival montague his inner circle knows him as percy and he's wearing a sharply pressed black suit that perfectly fits his six seven high elf slim frame he is blonde thinning wispy hair that's perfectly coiffed and he is very well-groomed. He's actually from nobility, but was inspired by his own family butler, Cordelia Velvet, a woman he had great admiration for to go into this line of work. He loves serving with an unwavering loyalty, and he loves predicting the needs of every esteemed guest

before they even know what they want themselves. He is the epitome of sophistication and grace, and he smells like amber. Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you seem to have forgotten your serving tuxedo. I was wondering if you would want to borrow one of mine. I keep three freshly pressed in my locker at any given time. Would you like to borrow one? Beef's heart rate goes up. Don't check him out.

Don't check him out. Don't look him up from the bottom to the top. You're avoiding my gaze. Have I done something to offend you, sir? No. Quite the contrary. Percival, you've shocked me to my core. I'm sorry, sir. No, no my core. I'm sorry, sir.

No, no, no, I'm sorry. Unbelievable. You are unbelievable. I mean, my suit might be six to 40 times too big for you, but I think this one might suit you well. And he grabs it out of his locker and presses it up against Beef's chest. Percy, why do you always give time to these new riffraff butlers that try and make their way up the ranks?

How dare you? Yes! You're much too good for that. Beef, let him be. Yeah? Oh, sorry. I mean, I'm eloquent. Yes, we know.

Yes. Same. Who amongst you two haven't been nervous on a day such as this when we've had so much pressure. Leave him be. And then Percy does a little like nod and excuses himself to get ready. Everyone seems to start to exit the butler's quarters all at once.

As Beef, you are now scrambling to get into these clothes that are much too big for you. You shuffle in with the other butlers and you enter the great dining hall. You're once again floored by the sheer scale and size of it. The room engulfs you in its massive expanse. The centerpiece of the room is a colossal wooden table adorned with brilliant shining silverware and candelabras. You see a lone figure standing before you all. Bamelia Ruckheimer, the chief of staff of the Glass Castle. Her regal bearing defies the passage of countless years. Her long flowing hair cascades down in a mesmerizing shade of shimmering silver, radiating an ethereal glow. She has eyes as piercing as the moonlit sky, and their sharpness betrays a hint of cruelty.

I'm the chief of staff of this very castle, and I have been for over 300 years. Now I know what some say outside of the castle. Can't magic clean things? Can't magic clean things? Can't magic cook things? Ha! Isn't it much more impressive when individuals who are supposedly free-thinking are forced to do it for you

through the magic of absolute power? Don't you all agree? Yes! Today, of course, is the annual reshuffle of the butler order. Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray! A chance for the lowliest butler to move their status up in the rankings, or for butler number one to fall lower. Now, in years past, we've had hundreds and hundreds of butlers, but because the king has demanded an intense crackdown on security,

we have reduced the number of butlers operating in the castle to just 72. You have all been chosen because you are the best of the best. In order to figure out who the number one butler is, there are five events. How you perform in each event is weighed accordingly. And from that, we will announce this year's official butler rankings, starting with the most prestigious role, the coveted position of butler number one. The only butler who's entrusted with direct access to members of the royal family themselves. Eloquent slash beef hears that and takes that info to heart. I'm coming for you, Chalice.

Sean, I'd like to do a perception check to see if I can figure out who's what ranking. Oh, what ranking everybody else is? Yes. Oh, yeah. Give me a perception check. 17 plus 1, 18. Oh, nice. Okay. You see that stitched in everyone's robes is a number.

And when you see Brett's, you see that he is number 9. My lucky number. Oh, really? I'm not even joking. Yeah. That's fun. And then other beef is 7. My favorite number.

And I am joking. And then when you see Percy's robe, you have to do a double take because you're not quite sure. But it's true. It's number one. Holy hell. So let's get started, shall we? The first event, welcoming guests. The first event, welcoming guests.

Butlers are the face of the household and are responsible for greeting and receiving guests. I will give you a description of a guest after which you will sound this horn, announcing them to the great hall, and then finally greeting them in their respective culture. Are we understood? Yes. Yes. Of course. Okay, so now everyone's in a line here and you're going one at a time and it kind of gives everyone a chance to check in. Eloquence happens to be in front of you in line, Percy, and you think to yourself, I'm the number one butler.

How have I never seen this person before? What is their background? Pardon me, sir sir and he like so gently taps on eloquence's shoulder oh oh hello oh hi i mean wow i mean hello forgive me i have taken it to be my responsibility to memorize every face and name here in the castle and you are unfamiliar to me. I just wanted to apologize for not knowing you. How long have you been working here? Oh, no apologies necessary. Uh, well, first day on the job. I'm just trying to get up to number one like the rest of us, ready to serve. Wow, you must have been high ranking at your last job to be able to be serve. Wow, you must have been high ranking at your last job to be able to be catapulted to the top 50 right out of the gate. Incredible. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Yeah, big, big stuff that I do.

Who did you serve before? I served King Marshmallow Man. Incredible. The cruelest king. Yeah, he was real ball buster. But, you know, I was actually number one there for a little while. And Beef realizes that he's like kind of lying to him and he doesn't want to because he's so sweet. So he changes the subject. Oh, I noticed that the suit you gave me etched inside is number two. Were you ever number two for a little while? Number one?

For a long time, yes. But I'm just here to serve and help in however I can serve and help that I'm proud to do. But I will say I'm very, very proud to be number one. It is my greatest honor and I hold it very dear and close to my heart. You make number one look good. Percy starts to blush so much. It's, like, scary how much he's blushing. Beef blushes because he's blushing.

Not for long, though. Oh, uh, beef. Yes, that's right. I will make my way to the top of this, and you know that that's the case, Percy. Did somebody say top? And I throw, like, a smoke bomb down, and I appear next to you? Because I'm going to the tippy top. And I throw like a smoke bomb down and I appear next to you because I'm going to the tippy top. B-B-B and Beef, Beef, you are very sassy, but may the best butler win. I'm willing to be

knocked off if you can perform better than me, but I don't see that happening today. Just some fun competition. Fun. You, you're up. You're next. Yes. And Bamelia is pointing at Eloquence. Let's keep it moving. Oh, yeah. Here I go. See you guys later. And he gives you guys finger guns. How dare you? What a weird little amoeba. I think he's sweet. So, Beef, as you step into the center of the great hall, Bamelia leans down and she goes, so the description for the guest that you'll be announcing, they are Lady Dothraan

and they will be escorted by their husband, the Duke of Marma. Marma. Mmm, marmalade. Yes, quite. And she starts to kind of eye you skeptically. But of course, you'll first have to sound this horn and announce them.

Okay. I grab the horn. I lick my lips. I know how a horn works. And I blow into it Really well Well I think so And then I put the horn down

By my side And I say Ladies and gentlemen Announcing The beautiful The ethereal The dominating Lady Dothorn, escorted by their husband, Duke Marmarmarmarm.

Now look at them. Give me a performance check. Now look at them. Now look at them. Now look at them. Now look at them. I like that ending. It's 13 plus 8. Jesus.

Whoa, 21. And so, Bamelia is kind of like clutching at her chest. Well, I don't know why I never took notice of you before. Well done. And I didn't quite catch your name. Oh, it's Eloquence Wellington, madame. And he curtsies. Well done, Eloquence. You too, baimilia.

And he walks into the line. And then right after you, beef, is Brett. Lights go on to me and i go ladies and gentlemen may i introduce mr and mr and mr the storming triplets from way down south treratops and the other ones. That's their name. Okay. Give me a performance check. Natural 20 plus one.

Oh! And then right after comes B-E-E-F. Beef goes up and he starts in a bow and he says this as he slowly rises with a horn in his mouth. Please welcome to the Cabin Show. My name is Cabin Show. My name is Cabin Show.

My name is Cabin Show. My name is Cabin Show. Bob. There was a horn in his mouth the whole time? That's right. On half of his mouth, he's using the trumpet. On the other half, he's saying the name. Impressive.

That's cool. Okay, give me a performance check with advantage, friend. Thank you so much. A seven. Okay, not great. Probably because he was trying to do two things at once. Thank you, Barnaby. And?

Oh, look at who we have here. Percy, show us how a real butler welcomes a guest. Percy steps into the light so it hits his face just right. And he plays a horn solo that sort of sounds like late New York City jazz, like late night jazz. It's beautiful. And then he goes, now presenting Lady Paintbrush and her beloved dog, Mr. Mouse. The sound almost shimmers throughout the great hall, like lands perfectly on everyone's ears very gently. Wow.

Let's say you have a plus six. Whoa. Okay, then 25. Oh, a little better than me. The sound reverberates throughout the hall. You can almost feel the sound and it feels elegant. And the rest of the 70-something butlers burst into applause after it. It's so good. Beef's body is vibrating from the sheer power of Percy's voice.

And he notices that he's developing a little, maybe a little crush. Uh-oh. All right, everyone, that wraps up event one. So, take a break while we set up event two. And by break, I mean go sweep the floors in the

Prince's solar while we prep the next event. There are brooms leaning against the wall. Find yourselves to them. And all 70 butlers kind of break into conversation and grab the brooms and head into the solar. And Beef, you notice that Percy just happens to be walking next to you when you realize you never actually properly thanked them for being so kind to you, letting you borrow their robes. Great voice out there. Oh, thank you.

Heliquins, you're one of the sweetest people that has been here today. Normally, sorry, I'm a little flabbergasted that anyone would compliment me. These other guys are pretty cruel to me. Being number one and all, they want to take me down a peg. So thank you so much for your kind words. Well, just remember that. I mean, when you're on top, people are going to want to get you to the bottom. But, you know, there are people out there that want to see you at the top. And I think from what you did today, that truly is where you should be. You're amazing. Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt you, Eloquence. And Percy leans down and gets a little ketchup, maybe probably been there for weeks, off the corner of Beef's mouth. Sorry, a butler always has to butthole. No, no, no. Aye.

Aye. And he puts his hand up on the wall. Aye. It was just catching my breath. Those stairs back there that I saw that we didn't take but I saw really caught me out of breath. So Beef, do you want Percy at this point to know that you have a crush or would you like to keep that a secret? I'd like to keep it a secret for a little longer.

Well, then why don't you give me a performance check to see how well you're holding back from making it obvious that you really do, you know, a little bit smitten right now. Okay, well, I rolled a two plus eight. Okay, so what Percy takes away from this encounter is that maybe you're just, you're a little bit nervous, but Percy kind of like shakes it off as like, well, everybody's nervous today. It's the annual reshuffle, the butlers, as you guys finish up the sweeping of the room. Back to the events. Everyone file back in for event number two, serving meals. And as you walk into the

great hall again, you see that there's now a bunch of food placed on platters upon the great dining table that spreads across that 200 meter in circumference dining room. Butlers have a crucial role during meals. You supervise the dining room staff, set and decorate the table, coordinate the serving of courses, and ensure that guest needs are met throughout the meal. But a true butler isn't afraid to get their hands dirty. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands and deliver a late dish to the king himself. Every second counts and could be the difference between a warm veal cutlet and a cold, shallow grave. Figuratively, of course, group together in teams of four, the four that are nearest you right now. Oh, f***. Eloquence, you look around and see that it is

the three other NPCs that happen to be nearest to you. And Percy gives him a little wave and in sort of an encouraging, like, come play with us type gesture. We are absolutely screwed. You'll say we've got pervy Percy and we got what's your name? Amoeba? Eloquence. I don't listen to you. Hey, BBB, that's awfully big words coming from someone who spilled red wine down his feathers.

No. Just a couple weeks ago. No. Oh, you did now, BBB, huh? Only because the prince spilled on himself, and I thought that if I- It wasn't Brett's fault. Thank you, BBB. At least he doesn't have ketchup under his ears and then Beef goes

down to Eloquence and licks his thumb and aggressively licks ketchup off of him. And Beef, you farted during dinner service not but a month ago and you're trying to tell him, Eloquence, that he's not fit to be a butler?

Enough, you boys. Enough. Percy, you know I took the blame for the prince. It was not my fault. I don't believe you. It was not my fault. Neither did anyone else. That was Milk Nip's fault. You know the smell of Milk Nip's fault.

I do. Silence! Or I will demand a drop of blood. And there's kind of like a, you don't really know what that entails. Eloquence. Oh my God. But everyone else seems pretty freaked out by it.

Now, for the rules. Each of you will take your serving platter one lap around the main table. You see, the main dining table is this one long, beautiful, uninterrupted piece of wood. And I noticed everyone admiring it. As we all know, it was Three Tree Hill before it was known as Two Tree Hill. You will be doing a lap around this beauty of a dining room

table, and once you complete your lap, you will hand it off to the next butler, who will rush to select another ingredient and complete their lap. The team to complete their four laps the quickest with a coherent, unspoiled meal wins the challenge. And I will say, I've never seen a butler crack the top two who didn't win

this team challenge. Man, this is a big one, guys. We gotta win this one. Stop fighting. We have to act as a team here, okay? Even if it's just for this moment. Very well, Eloquence, I agree with you. Gentlemen? Fine, fine. Eloquence, what order do you think we should do? Me? I mean, you're the... No, no, I trust you. You pick.

Oh, wow. Um... Okay, well, I think that Beef should go first. Why are you pointing at yourself? I mean, sorry, I meant you go first. Why are you pointing at yourself? I mean, sorry. I meant you go first. Thank you. You two. And BBB, how about you next?

Yes. And then I'll go, and then Percy, will you bring the tray to the end? It would be my honor, eloquent. Wow, you've got great legs. I mean, but... What's going on between you two? Nothing, nothing. Between us? I know what's going on here.

Eloquent, you have a crush on me, and you've told Percy, and now you guys... That must be it. All right, let's begin. Let's begin. That must be it. Almost immediately, the first runner is in place all along the starting line on the outside of the great halls table. And so the way that the mechanics will work is when it's your turn to do something, you will be able to use a check of your choice on the food option as well as the completion of the lap.

And if you can make a case for it, and it would work creatively, I'll give you advantage. Boom. So, the first runner is at the line. The horn goes to the lips of the player. And it toots! And they're off! 18 butlers are speedwalking as fast as they can

straight to the dining table, including New Beef. Yeah, Beef puts his head down and uses his pointy cone hat aerodynamically, and he does like a Naruto run to make himself go as fast as possible. And then when he gets to the team... That's cute.

I love it. He quickly assesses, and he's going to use a history check. In order to ease his teammates' choices, he's going to find the most versatile of first courses. Amazing. Because that was a creative use of a check, give me an advantage on that.

16. With a 16, you come up with turkey. And it's not overly seasoned in any fashion. It pairs really well with other things and it's looking good. Excellent. I put the turkey on my back and I go back to Naruto run.

You're killing it, beef. Thank you. I think the cone aerodynamics of the hat is creative enough to give you inspiration on your athletics check. Okay. 13. I have a minus two in athletics, so that's not bad. Not bad. So, Beef is finishing just ahead of the middle of the pack, but has a great food selection and hands it off to BBB.

just ahead of the middle of the pack, but has a great food selection and hands it off to BBB. Well, Brett, having a key sort of pigeon eye, is going to use perception to try to perceive what would work best with the turkey, but at the same time would be, like, hardiest and most impervious to, like, turning a flavor. Okay. You get inspiration for that. So roll with advantage. All right. Unnatural 20.

With a dirty 20, what's the food you kind of had in mind, Ben? Potatoes? Yeah, fingerling potatoes with aioli. And that's what he sees. Fingerling potatoes with aioli. Scoops him right up. It's on the platter and he's off to complete his lap.

Now, what check are we doing in order to move spaces ahead in this lap? I'm going to use a history check to remember what tiles are like most slippery and where stuff is. I'm using a lot of finesse and I'm using my knowledge that has come through years of service here in the area to blindfold myself and get back in a really cool manner. Amazing. That gets you inspiration for this. So give me a check with advantage. Okay, 14. With a 14, you're not moving very fast because you're looking down at the different tiles and trying to remember.

With a 14, you're not moving very fast because you're looking down at the different tiles and trying to remember. However, there were a couple trick tiles that had some grease on them already and that tend to crack a little bit. You saw this coming. You know the pitfalls up ahead. And multiple butlers fell and splattered their platters all over the place, eliminating them from the race. And y'all did not. And I laugh. You laugh.

But y'all are still just ahead of, I would say, the middle of the pack when the platter gets handed off in a huff and a puff to young Eloquence, a.k.a. the real beef. Real beef. And beef takes off like a bullet to pick out the next ingredient. That's right. I get to the table and I'm assessing and I'm looking for

a veggie that doesn't turn to crap in two seconds. And I'm feeling like carrots are kind of good. Can I do nature to check the veggies? I want to see what's the best veggie that won't spoil. Ooh, okay. Inspiration for that. So give me the best of two rolls.

Ooh, okay. Inspiration for that. So give me the best of two rolls. Ooh, 13. Okay, with a 13, you are immediately able to assess which vegetables are a little bit on the browner side, and that's definitely going to put you in the upper echelon of people getting the fresher shit. Yeah, I'm like squeezing like avocados and sniffing lemons and like that, you know?

So it's like I do that with my face and my mouth and my nose. And you pick the ripest, juiciest penis and it goes right on to the bottom. Thank you. That's what I was going to say. Love it. Did I steal it? No. Oh.

Beef, a.k.a. Eloquence, takes off around the track. And what check are you going to use this time to try to give yourself inspiration in a creative way? Okay, I'm going to do survival. Oh, shit. Okay. Because I'm leaping over people that have fallen, injuries all about me. People are screaming. It's like an apocalypse because we're near the end of the relay. Eloquence, aka Beef, has spent a lot of time around a bar,

obviously taverns, food, the industry, and has seen people in much worse shape and much more drunk that he's had to try to navigate through. And so with that and inspiration, what did you roll? I rolled a 17. Okay, so Beef is hoofing it. And now y'all are in contention for the lead. There's still three or four teams ahead of you as of right now, but it's close.

And it gets handed off to Percy. I'll do investigate. I'm trying to see if the rolls with butter are fresh. Okay, you get inspiration for that. That's for sure creative use. 21. 21, okay. You notice that someone has sabotaged all the rolls.

But with your investigation, you notice that there's one remaining in pristine condition. He puts it up to his shoulder and shines it like you would shine an apple. And then he puts some butter from the rotten rolls at the bottom of his feet to sort of create the effect of wheelies so he can glide around the rest of the table. And that is why he's number one.

Okay, so that I'll give you inspiration for just on its own. And then give me an acrobatics check. So the best of two rolls there. 19. 19. 19, my lord! Percy is scooting. It is an absolute 1950s roller burger joint. But he has his toe up. Really, it does look like wheelie shoes.

Yes, yes. It's just his heel that he's gliding around on. Not even gliding around. The top part of his body is totally still. Yes, yes, yes. Like, unmoving. Oh, my God. Stoic face. Sort of like body is totally still. Yes, yes, yes. Like unmoving. Oh my God. Stoic face. Sort of like an ice skater.

And then even as Percy crosses the finish line, it is very close. And it's clear that Percy does ultimately take the cake and get across first. And Percy, while doing it, doesn't even move, doesn't even celebrate while crossing the finish line. Stoic, staying absolutely still, platter across first.

Yes! Goofah! Goofah! Percy does a little polite bow at each of them. Oh my god, Percy, that was genius! Where did you think of that idea to put that butter on your shoes? I was very

inspired by you, Eloquent. Me? Him. You went right before me, and I thought you were so creative. And you all, great teamwork all around. I feel much closer to the three of you now. Nice, nice, nice job, guys. We got the win.

We got the win, and that's all that matters. I know what's going on here. You both have a crush on me. Oh, gosh, Pervy. And that is the end of event number two, which means it's time for your break. And by break, I mean go dust the stained glass in the Elder Chapel while we prep the next event.

Percy takes off very quickly to dust, but grabs Eloquence's hand. I know all the best places to dust. Come with me. And we're going to cut to them dusting, and they're kind of in a different, higher part of the chapel, secluded from everybody else, with warm, different, multicolored light that's coming off the stained glass, kind of like pouring over them. And they're really laughing hard together about something that us as an audience, And they're really laughing hard together about something that us as an audience, we're just kind of coming into.

Yeah. And yeah, the whole family is pigs. It's nuts. Enough, enough. Oh, goodness. Oh, let me get a breath. Wow. What a family you have. Yeah, it's wild.

But what about you? What kind of family do you have? Well, I come from nobility, but I never really related to them. My best friend growing up was our very elderly female butler, Cordelia. She taught me everything I knew and taught me to care, taught me to serve. She's the one that put the fire in my belly to be the best. She says, if you're going to butthole, you've got to be the best. So I decided to be number one. Oh my God. Wow. I want to butthole just as much as anybody else. This is amazing. But have you ever wanted to do anything else?

Oh, not that serving is bad or anything. Buttholing is awesome. I'm stoked right now. I just, I don't know. No one's ever asked me that before. Wow, yes, I do have dreams of having a work-life balance and having a hobby, I think you call it. I would love to plant a garden one day,

but as you know, butlers don't have their own plots of land, so that dream is just that, a dream. But it is a pleasant daydream that I will linger on from time to time. Okay. As Eloquence and Percy leave the place where they were dusting, Percy does that thing from Pride and Prejudice where he just, like, lightly touches the back of Eloquence's coat just to sort of feel like close to him for a second.

Oh, my God. And Beef Eloquence feels electricity from where he touches his coat. Oh, man. This is hot. This is cool. This is fucking hot. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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Personal service to the nobility. As you all know, butlers often have a more personal relationship with the noble family they serve. It would assist with dressing, maintaining wardrobes, and attending to specific personal requests. So, dare I say we have quite a special guest. None other than our very own Prince Milk Nip is here. And everyone goes nuts. If there's ever fans of Prince Milk Nip, it has to be the people trying to kiss ass to eventually serve him. Who's ready for a fashion show?

Yes! I would love it. show! Yes! I would love it! Beef's off to the side, and he's excited for the fashion show, but he's not excited to see Prince Milk Nip. But boy, is Prince Milk Nip making an entrance.

The big oak doors that are on the other end of this great dining hall blow open as burly. They kind of look like a mix between Secret Secret Service and like football players, push through these doors and Milk Nip is tailing just behind. And he really just looks like what you think Prince Milk Nip would look like. Petulant, spoiled, incel brat. Just the epitome

of entitled with every movement that he's making. You know, in reality, he's like the person that's not even strong enough to lift a sword, but honestly carries himself like he believes he could slay a dragon. Upon entering, Milk Nip is waving to the crowd, and he's wearing a gown down to his knees that is reminiscent of Katniss's gown from the first Hunger Games. It's adorned in fire when he does his twirls, and he's overdoing the twirls to make the fire come alive

again and again. It's driving the people wild. He also has a codpiece inconveniently located in the gown, and he has a hat on, too. It's just an Ed Hardy hat. It's got flames on it. It's the only thing you can find that matched.

Also, his face is inexplicably covered in patches of cupcake. Okay, so, one at a time, each of you will step into Prince Milk Nip's makeshift dressing chambers that we've erected here, and help

him through a wardrobe change. Now, he might try and throw you a curveball, but we're happy to be doing this. And I know Prince Milk Nip loves a good wardrobe change. So we're very excited to be helping you with this, your majesty. Thank you. And with that, Prince Milk Nip steps into what is essentially like a very fancy version of a dressing chamber that would be erected like on a beach where it's like you could step into this little almost like

telephone booth made of silks and stuff. The walls of this on the interior is like a big closet. Essentially, there's just tons of different outfits that are very expensive lining the walls of it. And there is a line waiting for everyone's chance to help Prince Milknip through one of his favorite wardrobe changes. So as time passes, obviously you get closer and closer to it being your turn. BBB, you actually are the first one to step into the chamber with Prince Milknip. Surprise! Oh, oh God. Um, uh, okay. Um, what, what can I help you do, Prince? Do you work out? Yeah, I mean, yeah, like three, four times a week.

Yeah, me too. Really? It's tiring. I hate it, but I like dressing up for it. I like to wear things where my sleeves are cut off and show off my hamstrings. What do you got for me, chum? Exercise. Say less, in fact. All right, so we're going to be going with the shortest little three-inch running shorts that you've ever seen, and you can toss your underwears to the wind because, my friend, they're built in.

Wow. I have one question. What if I doody my pants? Those built-in underwear seem like a problem. They're magical, sir. You'll never have to worry about that again. It's self-cleaning. It is bottomless in there. They're enchanted. I mean, you can doody in those things for days. It's just going to smell bad, all right? Excellent.

Okay, so since Prince Milk Nip truly looks awful in everything, what you have to do is roll a persuasion roll to just convince him that he's looking good once this outfit is on. So he's looking at himself in front of a full-length mirror. Give me a persuasion check. 18. So, oh, excuse me. Hercules, I'm actually busy with Milk Nip right now.

Prince Milk Nip, all right? So I'll talk to your Adonis self here in a little... Wait a second. Prince Milk Nip, all right? So I'll talk to your Adonis self here in a little... Wait a second. Prince Milk Nip? Is that you? I thought you were talking to someone else. It is me. Oh, my God.

Whoa. I think you could play for any number of professional athletics teams at this point. Just on looks alone, you've got it. Do you mind if I actually borrow prince milknip for a second oh um this is like survivor uh or the bachelors both are games that prince milknip hosts where the losers die so then bbb exits out of that dressing chamber and new beef is in there. Vacay! Oh, yes. Quick, but to the point. Vacation. I appreciate that.

Yes, of course. You will be wearing a floral button-down, too-big short-sleeved shirt, and of course, giant khaki cargo shorts. And then for your little fanny, a little pack. Ooh. And give for your little fanny, a little pack. Ooh. And give a persuasion check. Four.

Oh, wow. Wowee. Shut up. Shut up. I look like a dad. You'd be my daddy. Next. Hello, your royal self, Milk Nip.

Thank you so much for honoring me. What would you like to be dressed in today, sir? Pajamas. I don't know if anyone's ever seen the clip from Frozen on Broadway, but when Elsa's costume changes, a string just pulls and magically she's wearing something else. And that's what happens. Footie pajamas are under what he's wearing already

with the butt flap and everything. That's how good Percy is. That's pretty cool. Why don't you roll with advantage on that then? Oh, nat 20. Oh, God. Sir, you look beautiful. I'm pretty.

Prettier Wow I may wear this out Mm-hmm Mm-hmm I like you These footies What size were these footies? Extra large, sir

He's lying Good answer Good answer Well, I don't want to take any more of your time And Percy bow Wait, wait, wait, Percy Yes, sir There's no codpiece on this

Check again And he snaps his fingers Time and Percy bow. Wait, wait, wait, Percy. Yes, sir? There's no codpiece on this. Check again. And he snaps his fingers. And Percy's gone. And tentatively enters the real beef, a.k.a. Eloquence. Hello, Prince Milk Nip. It's an honor to make your acquaintance, good sir. May I say you look beautiful. Don't butter me up.

You haven't won yet. I want to look formal. But not too formal. Sure. Bond-esque. Um, hmm. What do I wear? What do I wear?

I'm thinking out loud. Well, you know what? I wear the same thing every day. Not normally this, but it seems pretty formal to me. So maybe, do you have like a blue vest, a white shirt, and Beef's looking through his closet? Beef is going to dress him up as Beef. Well, in this, you're going to look like a real winner. And Beef dresses him up in the full garb beef wears

so he's unbuttoning the top part of his shirt and then unbuttoning the bottom part of his shirt so there's only one button keeping it the shirt together does he shave his head too to look like he's balding i go may i go ahead I shave the middle part of your head. Oh, I'm going to put a necklace on him that says soaked. Oh. With that and obviously the trust that you've earned, there must be something in the air here. Beef's charisma is out of control.

Why don't you give a persuasion check for this? Even better, 21. Whoa. So he's like looking in the mirror and Beef's behind him holding his shoulders. And he's like, yeah, look into your eyes and say the first thing that comes to mind. How do you feel? How do you feel, Prince Milk Nip? Cute.

And powerful. That's right. I like what you did with the buttons. Thank you. And the necklace. Soaked. Makes it right. I like what you did with the buttons. Thank you. And the necklace. Soaked. Makes it look like I'm wet. Exactly. Exactly. You get it. Yeah, I do. I don't know why people say you're so bad. I mean, sorry. I mean, you're great, Your Highness.

Okay. Well, I am bad. You know I've massacred over 200 of my servants. Oh, I don't know if you should be telling me this. It was on the reality shows I conduct. Oh. Survivor, The Bachelor. Oh, my God. Yes, when I eliminate them. Do you not watch the shows?

Do you do Chopped as well? I'm a co-producer for Chopped. I had too much on my plate, so I mostly funded that one. Oh, wow. Interesting. Yeah. They're just standing with their hands on their hips right now, talking back and forth. And then Fifth Butler, the next in line behind Eloquence, kind of pokes her head

in. Pardon me, is it my turn yet? No, it's not. No, no. We're talking shows. We're talking shows right now. Yeah, we're talking shows. A thousand apologies, sir. Please don't put me on chopped. I won't.

I actually can't. I don't have control over the casting. Just get out of here. I do have to see the rest of these people. Do you? They're going to put more clothes on me, but I really like you. Let's get lunch. Great.

My calendar's wide open. Okay. And this isn't a date. No. I don't love you. Let's get lunch. Great. My calendar's wide open. Okay. And this isn't a date. No, I don't love you. Excellent. Now, you know the drill. It's break time. Relax. And by relax, I mean go grout the stone floors of the kitchen while we set up the next event. Chip chop. And so we cut to them in the kitchen. On their hands and their knees, we see Eloquence and Percy next to each other laughing as become

accustomed throughout the day here. Oh, Eloquence, you make the craziest noises. You know, I don't want to be hyperbolic or talk out of pocket or, I don't know, give you too high of expectations, but I want to tell you something. Yeah. Eloquence, I think that you have a really good shot of making it into the top three, even two butlers today.

You are blowing it out of the water. You are incredible. Holy hell, Percy, you really think so? I mean, coming from the number one, and you've been number one for... Oh, and then if we're near each other, then that means we get to sleep near each other, which means if we talk quiet enough, they let us talk a little bit past lights out. I don't know, maybe I'm getting ahead of ourselves, but then maybe we can hang out or go for walks after we get off, or we could be paired for the same dinner service.

And Beef puts his hand on Percy's, and he goes, I would love that. Percy is beet red. He's blushing, and he sort of goes in a little bit for maybe, perhaps, a kiss. Cough! Cough! What is that, a duck? A goose? What is that? I figured it out. What? B, B, B. You've been figuring things out all day. What is this one I figured it out. What? B, B, B. You've been figuring things out all day.

What is this one now, huh? Well, that's because my perception, I have the eyes of a pigeon. And this is what I see. I think you two. Cough, cough. Do you two love each other? Well, I was getting there. Actually, I was going to say that.

I'm sorry. I was in the restroom. Why would you say love each other? Well, I was getting there. Actually, I was going to say that. I'm sorry. I was in the restroom. Why would you say such a thing? Of course not. Well, good luck with that. It'll chop off your little butler pinkies. And Percy, how could you stoop to such a low level to have feelings for this thing? Oh, no.

Eggplant, or whatever his name is, was just trying to get something out of my teeth. I would never, uh, compromise being number one in such a way. And Percy backs up very quickly without making eye contact with Eloquence. Oh, puzzling. And so Eloquence, aka Beef, is a little bit, obviously, shook by the events that just unfolded, but really doesn't have time to think about it too much because he's already standing amongst all the other butlers as event number four is about to kick off. Attention, everyone. There's only two events left. This is the penultimate event, event number four. Managing the wine cellar is a very difficult

and arduous task. Butlers are responsible for maintaining and managing the wine cellar is a very difficult and arduous task. Butlers are responsible for maintaining and managing the wine cellar. It is your duty to oversee the inventory, ensure proper storage, and assist in selecting and serving wines during meals and social events. Which is why this next challenge is... Javelin throw! Huh? Huh?

Well, that's good. Percy thought it would be polishing silver, so he's holding all of his silver polishing stuff. Super embarrassed. And Beef knew it was going to be javelin, so he has six javelins strapped to his back. Your name being Beef is the most confusing thing that's ever happened.

You're freaking me out, man. BBB is up first, and he gets handed a javelin. And it's up to you. You can either use strength or dexterity or some combination. You could use athletics to see how far you can throw this javelin. So what's it going to be? I'm going to use dexterity.

So I'm going to pick up some grass or some dust off the ground to see where the air is coming. Oh, my God. Make sure that I do that right. And I am going to roll... Botch. I botch. So BBB throws this javelin after

seeing where the air is going and I don't know if he miscalculated the air or he's no longer looking at the floor and seeing what's slippery because he does slip but launches the javelin as hard as he can. And it goes straight through the meaty part of the leg of the guard standing right next to Baymelia. And Baymelia just like rolls her eyes as there's a silence and then that guard starts screaming. You thought he was going to stay composed, but he's freaking out like a normal person would. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Does it help if I go whoopsies? Only a little bit.

Oh, sorry. And as BB is like trying to calm them down off to the side, they're like getting escorted out on like a wool stretcher. And up next is Percy. Okay. So Percy is going to go to echolocate exactly where he wants to throw the javelin. And he's a little bit frazzled after sort of being dismissive to beef. I mean, AKA. He throws the javelin sort of like how you would throw a dart, just like very, very gently with his fingers. Okay. And you want me to roll for strength or for athletics? Go with athletics and maybe disadvantage. Because he's emotionally compromised?

Yeah. Ten. So the javelin soars through the air. It's on target for the most part, but the form wasn't quite right. So the javelin sticks into a tablecloth in the middle of the dining room table and is only about halfway. Oh, um, ha. And his eyes like well up and he just goes,

um, pardon me, everyone. I'm so pleased that no one is hurt. I apologize. And he runs to the back of the line to sort of hide his face. And up next is Beef. New Beef. It's just Beef. I'm older.

Beef steps up and closes his eyes. And if we have time for this, it's like a 25-minute flashback of him being a kid on the playground and, like, getting bullied by other all the other gnomes at gnome school but then he like spends all summer getting super strong and he comes back when they try and bully him he like picks them up one by one and throws them and they kind of act like javelins since they all have like pointy hats we got time yeah great yeah so he's actually gonna use a history check because he's been basically practicing this since he got big and strong. So that is a 23.

Whoa. He takes the javelin that was given. He plants it into the ground and he runs at it and then throws his legs up and bounces off it and uses himself as the javelin. Wow. and uses himself as the javelin. Wow. And he flies over the entirety, the entire stretch of the dining table and sticks into the ground

and it's a new Butler record. And applause from everyone erupts. No one's seen anything like it. Beef! Beef! And next up is elegance. Elegance. Never quite understood how to pronounce that.

It's fine. Eloquence. Ele-nance. Ele-fala-fance. It works. I take my place with my javelin, and I close my eyes, and I send a message to Chip. To Chip. Chip, I need your strength right now to throw this javelin like you've thrown me so many times.

Please, if you're out there, give it to me. You too. And then I say, you too, back. And then I throw it. All right. With that chip inspiration that you just got, go ahead and roll an athletics check and then add an additional D6 to it. Okay. I rolled a 17 with a five. Whoa. 22. Whoa. Incredible. Beef rockets that javelin so far. It lands right near where new Beef, his hat,

was sticking into the ground. And there's another. No one can believe how good that one was to follow it. Everyone explodes and cheers once again. Huzzah! Huzzah! Beef, you see that there's still a ton of people, ton of butlers, still waiting to throw their javelin. Not people.

Thank you. That was a close one. So yeah, you see that there's a super long line that still has to go. So it's probably going to be a while before this event wraps up. Well, Mr. Sean, Eloquence, Beef, me, the real beef,

wants to walk up to Percy to invite him somewhere. Percy is so much shame for how he's treated eloquence today. So he's just staring straight ahead waiting for more instructions. Beef tugs on his pants because he's so tall. Knock, knock. Percy's just staring straight tall. Knock, knock. Percy's just staring straight ahead. Knock, knock. Um, Mr. Eloquence, I'm so sorry.

I feel quite ashamed for how I've been talking to you today. I'm just trying to keep my head down and finish the day out with some sort of dignity. Oh, well, hey, don't be ashamed. I'm ashamed. I mean, look at me. But enough about me. I have a question for you.

And it's a little naughty, but I thought maybe I could surprise you with something. When's the last time you've been surprised, Percy? I think the last time I was surprised is when my mentors, Lord Servermore and Crumbs, threw me a birthday party in the butler's quarters. I thought no one knew my birthday, but they did. They sound awesome. And how'd you feel when you were surprised? Well, I, um, felt at home. Well, let me tell you. I have a little home I want to show you. Wink.

And then Beef winks. Percy is so determined to not mess up today that he just goes back to staring straight forward. Beef is going to slowly start walking backwards and he's like, okay, all right. Eloquence, why don't you give me a persuasion roll with advantage? Because even though Percy wants to follow the rules, there's definitely something deep down there where he'd love nothing more than to just follow his heart and follow Eloquence, aka the real beef. I got a 12 plus 6. Nice. Okay, with an 18, Percy hears that, sees eloquence in Percy's robes that don't fit him. And there's just something that, like, feels warm and safe and familiar about it. And...

Percy just immediately walks back very, very quickly. And he, like, scoops up beef because beef is making a whole scene. So he's like, let's just get out of here as quick as possible. I want to take Percy to the storage unit that I pissed in earlier. How romantic. Okay, I thought you were taking me someplace that felt like home. Some place that felt like home, but... Okay, so Percy and Beef arrive at the door of the first closet that leads into that second room.

Okay. Before we enter, Percy, I need you to close your eyes. Okay. And his hand's kind of shaking, and he, with his eyes closed, finds Beef's hand. And Beef holds his hand back, and he leads him into the piss room. Follow me here.

Follow me here. Keep your eyes closed. Keep your eyes closed. He, like, runs into every wall on the way in. Sorry. Sorry. Ow. Ow.

Sorry. Ow. And sorry. Okay. Okay. Stand right there. Right there. All right.

Mr. Percival Percy, I have met you. Percival Montague. Sorry, my full name is Percival Montague. Is that Percival Percy? No. Oh, boy, this isn't going to start. Not the best. But Percival Montague, a.k.a. Percy.

I have only known you a mere just a day, but my heart feels like I've known you a lifetime. I've asked you to come into this piss closet with me today, not because I want us to piss together, but because I want to share a dream with you. You had mentioned that you love to grow a garden one day, And I thought, well, maybe you could grow one right now. Just picture this. Keep your eyes closed. Picture this. Tomatoes, cucumbers, bok choy, beans, greens, and limousines. Never had one of those before, but they sound delicious. Open your eyes. Percy opens his eyes and looks down at Beef,

because no one's ever done anything this kind for him before and saw this much potential in him. And he starts to, like, laugh a little, and he covers his mouth, and a single tear drops down his cheek. And what does he see? A mound of dirt. Okay. So it is that mound of dirt. The sun was pouring in through that crack in the wall onto this dirt on the stone floor there in this back

secret storage room. Now, I know this is a mound of dirt. I'm fully aware. And disclaimer, I did piss on this earlier. But Percy, Percy, and he's jumping up and down. Don't you see? There's so much endless potential in here. You could have a potato wall over here and a tomato wall over there. Anything could be yours. You. It's for you. And only for you. Percy leans down and kisses Beef.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Give me a check for Beef to see how he did in this kiss. Whatever you feel like makes the most sense and you can explain why you chose what you chose.

I'm picking athletics because... Oh my God. Because Beef hasn't done this in a while he hasn't kissed someone and if he has kissed someone he hasn't kissed someone that he's had feelings for like this ever and so his lips are very um not trained and i think that that's what is the most reasonable thing here. That's a nine plus zero. I agree. Beef's super nervous and is using athletics to try to be a good kisser,

which I don't know if that ever bodes well. And there's obviously a huge height difference here. And Percy kind of takes a step back and chuckles for a second. I'm sorry. It's been a while. it's been a while um give me one second and he shuffles over to a ladder that he used to adorn the space with twinkle lights okay and Beef shimmies up the ladder and he holds uh Percy's head in both his hands. And he said, take two. And Beef kisses him. But this time he's going to roll for performance.

Oh. Okay. That's a nat 20, baby. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That might be too successful. I love when that happens on the show. Beef pulls away. and then he says

beans. And he goes, sorry, I have beans. I have beans for you. And he takes the beans out of his pocket. I always carry a couple of beans with me just because you never know when Jennifer's around. I like clones. I'm speechless.

And he like pats his pockets to try to give Beef something in return. And he pulls out his gold, bronzy pocket watch that's like a sundial. And he gives it to Beef and clasps it in Beef's hand. I want you to have this. So you'll always be on time for our dates. Our dates. Great. This dates. Great.

This is so lovely. As soon as I learn how to read time, I... Oh, um... Let's return to the group and then... Meet back here after? Yeah, back here after. Okay. And as you're running back to the group,

just give me a quick stealth check to see, you know, if anyone sees y'all out of place on the way back. 14. 18 plus back. 14. 18 plus 4. Okay. With both of those roles in mind, one person kind of glances at you as like another servant, but Percy, you've historically been above their rank. So there was no real risk of them ratting on you in any way.

And so as you move back into the great dining hall, everyone is now getting back into a line as Bamelia is addressing them. Event number five. The final event and perhaps the most important of all. Ensure security. Butlers play a role in castle security by monitoring access to the premises. They're making sure they know who's coming in and out of rooms and overseeing, of course, the protection of very valuable items that are lying all about this castle.

A great butler would die in order to protect Prince Milknip's sticky, stinky sock. And they'd be honored to do it. And there's a few, here, here, from the crowd. So, get with your team of four from the relay race. F***. Hey, guys. Hey, isn't this fantastic?

We're together again. BBB and Beef, I just want to tell you that I'm very proud to be on a team with all of you, including Eloquence. When he looks down and he winks. Beef looks up and he smiles. Beef looks at BBB and winks. And shrugs.

And shrugs. Winks and shrugs. And Miss Pamelia shouts over the crowd again, Now split that team of four into two teams of two. The two of you closest to the wall. And you see that that is Eloquence and Percy. You must prevent the other two

from stealing the sock that has been hung up against the wall behind you. And you see that the wooden pillars that run alongside the wall of the great dining hall, they create pretty evident sections for the different teams to defend, almost like a goal. And you do see a sticky, stinky sock hanging about, you know, three feet off the ground

against the back wall. And so now you two are in between that wall and BBB and Beef. Psst, eloquence. When I served in the army, we used to call this move the capture the flag, and I was very, very good at it. Ooh, I'll follow your lead, Percy. All right. When the horn sounds,

the offensive team will have exactly 12 seconds to obtain the sock. If they do not obtain the sock, the defending team wins. Other than that, there's no rules besides you must stay in bounds. Are we ready? And then the horn sounds. It blasts out of nowhere. The four of you roll for initiative.

Three. Eight. 17. 18. So BBB, a.k.a. Brett, you are up. What are you doing to get to that sock? I'm making it easier for my teammate as a team player, and I'm casting Entangle.

Grasping weeds and vines sprout from the ground in a 20-foot square, starting from the point within range. Oh, wait, but that's going to make it harder for us. Too late. You said it. No, no. Yeah, you said it.

You cast it. I said it centered on Eloquence and Percy. So, okay, give me a strength saving throw. Eloquence and Percy. 18. All right, you're not entangled. Nine. Okay. Eloquence is entangled.

Percy, the vines come and start to entangle him and he just rips out of them and looks as athletic and nimble as ever. Beef, they get you quick and they get you tight and you look over at Percy and just shout out, frightened by how quickly this has escalated. Percy, I got caught!

Okay, cool. So next up is Eloquence. So I guess you would just roll again to get out of this because you're very stuck. Can I cast a spell instead on someone else? Let's see. Oh, you can. I think you very stuck can i cast a spell instead on someone else let's see when this oh you can't i think yeah if you did a spell right now that was an attack spell would have disadvantage i cast hold person on bbb okay whatever uh choose a humanoid that

you can see within range the target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or be paralyzed for the duration. Give me a wisdom saving throw, Brett, aka BBB. Oh, you fool. Natural 20. You just made me stronger. Oh. All right. So next up is fake beef. Fake beef is going to do an unarmed strike and then also do a flurry of blows. So that means I'm going to do three unarmed strikes, and I'm going to punch the crap out of Percy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is stupid.

22. That hits. 13. And a 7. So I assume just the 22 hits. Yeah. Really kind of petered out there. Sorry.

I was having fun. I do seven damage to Percy. That's significant. Also, I'm a little numb, so I was just punching your shins. But like bad. But bad. And with that, Percy, you're up. Okay.

I'm going to do magic missile. All right. Three glowing darts of magical force. A dart deals 1d4 plus one force damage. Who are you picking? Well, someone recently kicked me in the shins. Who was it? I punched you in the shin.

Nat 20. Oh! Okay. Well, then I have to use my reaction called deflect missiles, which is real. I will literally kill you. So I'm going to try and deflect it. Here we go. Botch, botch, botch, botch.

Okay, I did roll a 19. So I got a, I can reduce the damage by nine. So roll the damage. Three, three, and four plus three. No. Thirteen. Thirteen minus nine. So four damage.

Okay, so Percy is a little bit frazzled because he's been punched in the shins a few too many times. And so he sort of slips and tumbles as he's throwing the darts at New Beef. Still hits him, but definitely doesn't have firm ground when he throws these darts. And Little Beef hears it and, like, looks up, anticipating the missiles coming down at him,

and he, like, smacks it away, and it burns his little hand. So that's why he still gets damage for four. Ow! And we're back at the top for the final round of combat here. There are six seconds left. BBB, you are up, sir. I'm going to go get the sock. The timer is going down.

I'm going to like air Jordan over trying to get the sock. Okay, what is the distance that you can cover? I don't know. What's your foot speed? Walking speed is 25 feet. Okay, cool. If you sprint, your entire action could be getting to the wall and you'd be there. Boom. I'm sprinting, but I want to make it clear that I am also Air Jordan-ing. Okay,

you will effectively end your turn at the wall with your hand on the sock. So I would consider this basically a tie if it ended just the way it ends right now. Can you just say I Air Jordanned it? And yeah, Ben, you Air Jordanned it. Thank you. Eloquence, you're up. I cast Hold Person on BBB again. And

I say a prayer to anybody that's out there. Okay, Wisdom Saving Throw from Brett. 14. That seems high. What's out there. Wisdom saving throw from Brett. 14. That seems high. What's your spell save DC? Wait. 14. Tie goes to the defender.

I don't want to play anymore. I'm done. Nothing has happened yet because Brett used a full sprint action. You can't do anything else besides sprint if you're going to try to cover that much ground. He couldn't get the sock off the wall yet. But Beef, the wisdom saving throw from Brett was a 14. So it's like right there.

And now Fake Beef is up. Fake Beef is going to use his foot speed of 35 and is going to run and climb up BBB and try and get to the sock and yank it off. Nice. Since he can cover more ground. Okay, here's what I'll say. It's farther than 35 feet away, so you also get...

Why was I farther? You're not. So his is 25, but if you sprint, you get to go 50, but then you can't take any other actions. If you walk, New Beef, you get 35. Gotcha. Instead of sprinting, I'm going to use two movements because I'm going to dash, get to there,

and then I'm going to pull the sock off. Okay, so use one movement action. You use a bonus to cover twice the ground and then your action, you're up on his shoulders and you yank the sock. So it is off the wall right now. Percy, there is one second left on the clock.

I'm going to give you a chance. But Amelia is not looking right now to get that sock back onto the hook. No! I should have done this before, but I can cast sleep where creatures within 20 feet of point of your choosing fall asleep for one minute. Well, you can try it and hope that his hand is not far enough off that nail that it's on that it ends up back on there.

That's going to take a luck roll. Oh my God. Okay. So roll 5d8. The total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect. Oh, wow. 5d8. The total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect. Oh, wow. 5d8. Eight, three, five, two, three.

You gotta let Beefy sleep. Percy sort of, everything is moving really quickly around him, and he's getting super distracted because he is a little nervous in front of Beef now. But at the very last second, he remembers that he can cast sleep, something that he learned because Prince Milk Nip has really bad insomnia. And he remembers that and then casts sleep on the tiny little bird gnome. Yes. Okay, so it works. Little Beef is fast asleep, resting on top of BBB's shoulders.

BBB looks up like, what is going on? And I'm going to have a luck roll actually come from Eloquence, from Beef, just to see if the universe is working in your favor, that if this little sleeping Travelocity gnome, if he was close enough so that the sock just hangs right back on the hook. That was a two.

Can you say that a little bit louder? It was a two. One more time. So the sock does not go on the hook. Time's up! We'll be false to the ground Okay, so the sock does not go on the hook. Yes!

Time's up. Lil' B falls to the ground and is like snuggling up to the sock. Percy is looking down at his hands in shame. B runs up to Percy. Percy, I'm so sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.'m so sorry. No, I'm sorry. I let you down. No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Sorry. We won. Oh, my God. Oh, I hate you. I'm going to kill Lil Beef. I never experienced hate before, but I think this is what it feels like in your body.

Eloquence, you actually notice now that you're kind of getting your bearings, most of their teams have been done for quite some time. And you see that it's like almost virtually impossible to stop the two attackers typically from getting the sock. And it's more just like how long can you hold them off from accomplishing that task? And everyone in the room was actually watching you guys, Percy and Eloquence, hold them off to the last second and actually almost pull it off where it stayed on. So you're starting

to think, actually, maybe that went, like, really well, but it's kind of too hard to tell. Okay, that's it. So it's time for us to tally the scores and deduce the new butler rankings for this year. Now, go practice your cursive. Meet us back here when the horn sounds. And everyone's kind of ushered into a room that comes off the great dining hall where there's this nice parchment and ink and quills. And we're going to pick up with the two of you writing or trying to write on your parchment

with your ink and quill next to each other. Percy and Eloquence. Psst, Eloquence. Psst, Percy. What? I'm writing your name again and again. Look. Oh, my.

Eloquence, Eloquence, Eloquence. I love your name. Oh, it's so beautiful when you write it out. Sorry again about losing that game earlier. Not a great teammate, I guess. Oh, no, no, that was all me. You were fantastic. I take full responsibility for that.

Literally, the only thing anyone could ever do to disappoint me is to lie to me or the crown. Oh, so you don't say. Well, Percy, I, well, I just. Eloquence. Eloquence. Eloquence. I think you're going to, I think you'll get number one and I'm just going to get number two.

There's no way. There's no way. I failed again. I failed again. And Beef's kind of saying this more to himself now. I failed again. And I'm a bad, I'm a bad family member. I'm a bad teammate.

I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person. And he looks up at Percy. I'm a bad teammate. I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person. And he looks up at Percy. I'm a bad person. Because, because. Here, why don't you draw it out for me? Um, okay. And Beef's like, tears are staining the parchment.

And he draws chalice. And perfect. And perfect. It is perfect. It's, it's exactly like, like you're like you're like whoa did he just take a picture of her it's like no and then he writes in really bad shaky handwriting from everything he's learned from night night school my real name is beef i'm here to save is beef. I'm here to save

any points and arrow to the perfect drawing of jealous. How could you lie to the crown like this? The security issues. I trusted you. Percy, listen. She was the crown. She's just not the crown anymore. Percy grabs

the letter and stuffs it in his pocket where his pocket watch once was. You can't get away with this. You can't. You can't do this. No, no, no. I wasn't trying to get away with anything. I'm just trying to save a friend.

And then I just didn't know I was going to meet you. And as this is happening, they're like moving out of the room. Percy's already excused himself out of this room where everyone's writing. And now they're in the hall. And Percy turns on his heel to face Beef. And he looks so hurt and so angry and so sad. He tosses the piece of paper that says eloquence again and again and beautiful handwriting and has all sorts of hearts around it and he throws it in the nearest fireplace. I see exactly what this is now. You used me. No. You manipulated me so you could get to the top spot. I see it all.

I see it. No, I swear, I swear. Also, you're both named Beef. Two Beefs. Okay, that guy, I don't know what that guy's deal is, but I think he's been following me for years or something. He's got beef with beef, and I'm going to talk to him after. You used me.

No, no, no, no, no, please. And in a career that I loved so much, and I told you my secret dream of the guard, how could you? And Percy storms off. Percival. Percival Montague. All the other butlers who are practicing their penmanship are kind of shouldering past you,

and Beef kind of just gets knocked to his knees, and he's sitting there in disbelief as they all shuffle past him back into the great hall. I shuffle to the back. I'm in the back. And why don't you give me a perception check real quick? What's the point? I love I'm blinded by heartbreak. Four.

Okay. So all you see is Percy. Looked like they were just talking with Miss Baymelia. And you have a pretty good idea of probably what they were saying. Yeah. And so Miss Baymelia addresses and you have a pretty good idea of probably what they were saying. Yeah, and so Miss Baymelia addresses all the butlers. All right, everyone, we do have the rankings for this year's butlers. But after a conversation that I just had, I have some news that's rather disappointing, and I'm afraid it does affect the standings. You see, if it wasn't for what I just heard, this individual

would have actually finished second overall. Just quite impressive. But, um, well, Eloquence, you are the number one butler at the Glass Castle for this year. Everyone give it up for number one! What? Me?

Also boo. Me? And Bamelia is gesturing to you, Eloquence, a.k.a. Beef, to come accept your new stitched number one butler uniform. Beef's like very apprehensive and he's walking up. He walks up there. Percy, who once again won the number one butler just last year, has spoken with me and informed me that he would like to offer his spot this year to the individual eloquence for an outstanding performance

and some insights that i failed to see during today's testing quite impressive and of course percy you are finishing in the number two spot i I, uh... And then you both find yourselves kind of shuffled back into the mix. People are patting you both on the back, but Percy's kind of mostly avoiding eye contact with you. Percy, did you not give him the letter? I thought you told on me. Out of my number one, you should be number one.

What's going on? Well, I, um, don't trust you, and I feel very personally hurt, but my personal feelings aside, I care about Princess Chalice very much. She was very kind to me and I have it under good authority. She's very miserable being here. So I will give you that first position. But as soon as you get her out of here, I will be giving this letter to everyone who is in charge and they will know what you've done. But for now, I will let you go. And that piece of parchment is actually snatched out of Percy's hands.

Yoink! This is a love letter. They're in love. They're disqualified. Disqualified! Last year, when we were in love, we got disqualified. So that's not fair. That's right. No, no, it's not a love letter. I swear, I swear, I've seen all the signs in the locker room saying do not fall in love. Oh, it's not? Oh, it's not? No, BBB, this isn't a love letter.

It's a stunning picture of Princess Chalice. It's a joke. It's a joke. You're beef. I'm beef. I'm beef. No, no, no. You're breaking out Princess Ch're beef. I'm beef. No, no, no. You're breaking out Princess Chalice? I'm beef. And Baymelia's already over there looking over your shoulder.

She sees this parchment. She sees the portrait of Chalice. She sees to save Chalice and that it's beef. And then all this clicks in Baymelia's head in the matter of a split second. Oh, my God, of course, we were told to look out for these infiltrators. This person really matches the description of one that I was supposed to be on the lookout for.

Of course. And they had a lot of red flags. Guards, seize him! Because his name is Beef. And I'm the only one. And Beef, before your circumstances change, I'll give you one last thing you can shout out to Percy as you see that they're staring at you

in utter shock, disbelief, and terror. It is true. I have infiltrated your humble abode. Wow. And you know what? I love you, Percival Montague. You too. You too.

And a bag goes over Beef's head and everything goes dark as he feels guards grab onto the sides of his arms and under his armpits and lift him into the air. And he says, I'm the real beef. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.

New beef is like walking alongside them as beef's getting dragged to the back of his head. No. No, I'm beef. No. Bye. Good luck getting into the next episode. What? Wait, what does that mean? What does that mean? As beef is dragged out

of the great dining hall, one of the guards has apparently heard enough out of him because he strikes you, beef, with a blow to the back of the head and everything immediately goes black. Beef is knocked unconscious. When you regain consciousness, everything is still pitch black. You start to

panic for a second because you're assuming, well, you've gone blind until you feel burlap against your cheek. You realize a bag has been placed over your head and your hands are tied. But that's not all. You realize why you awoke. And that was because of a smell. You feel hot breath inches away from your face. It reeks of something terrifyingly evil that makes your stomach just drop like a stone. It smells like sickly, sweet, rotten fish. It smells like death itself. You've been held. Oh, yeah. No, I have not been held.

Unsuccessfully. Oh, yeah, that's right. Good shot, though, Elizabeth. I like that you went for gaslighting just to see if it maybe would work. It's always worth a shot. It's always worth a shot, babe. No, you're crazy, man. One last moment. Gaslight, honey.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and Mishawn Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron, Elizabeth, and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Y'all, I've got to tell you right now is a great time to check out our Patreon

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and for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is MASH Sitcom D&D Edition Part 2. What a wild title for a Patreon episode. I'm sure if you're not on the Patreon, that is just a semblance of sounds that hits your ears and does nothing for your brain.

But this episode of the Patreon, that's where Chip and Chalice will ask the big questions about their respective future lives. Like, where will they live? Who will they be married to? What will their jobs be? And in this episode, all these questions and more are answered through the power of the hypothetical, our insane improv, and this childhood game known as MASH.

So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom in the letters D and D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests. See our favorite poll quotes from that week's episode. Get hot and spicy memes relating to the show and see new character drawings done by our very own Malib Mansour. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday.

Thanks, as always, for listening. Until next Tuesday, thanks, as always, for listening.