SitcomD&D - S4 E21: The Motion of the Ocean

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

The gang sets sail for Egg's Isle to reunite Chalice with her estranged, biological father, but when they discover that rats are known for being bad luck on sea voyages, they are faced with a tough choice...Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I actually had a question about the moment of silence. How long does that need to be? As a former editor, what you do in the software itself is take that chunk of time and run basically magic on it that pulls any constants in that chunk of sound. You're such a tech wizard. Thanks, man.

But how long? So two seconds, it sounds like, is the answer. It depends what you got going on, honestly, guys. Because it would be like, for me, I'm going to let it go longer if I hear like a big car noise going by because I want more of a constant. That's what you're trying to pull out. the technology. What if it's a tiny car?

If it didn't make a noise, then you're good. Well, I was just curious. We were talking about it yesterday. We kind of were having some fun yesterday. All right, then we'll get into it. Oh, there's a car. How big? Tiny? I couldn't see.

Tiny. That's so tiny. I couldn't even see it. It's so tiny. I couldn't even see it! It's so tiny! We're having fun. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, we are picking up with all of you aboard the SS Sweet Pea, for it has set sail. You have four days before the end of the season, and it's a two-day journey there and a two-day journey back. So, you have just enough time to pick up Hanson at Exile and skedaddle on back before the curse kills you all. In other words, your trip can suffer no delays

or you will all most certainly die. Despite all this knowledge of your potential impending doom, it feels really nice to just grab onto the sturdy wooden railing of the ship and just close your eyes and feel the salty air on your face and hear the sound of waves crashing gently against the bow some 20 feet below rhythmically chanting the sound of adventure but as you open them you turn and you see the shore from whence you came start to slowly disappear over the horizon as you move deeper into the vast, open, and seemingly endless body of

water when you're approached by Poppy, the sailor man, and we'll pick up there. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling! Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away

We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, so I'll show you guys to where you're staying, man.

Chalice is holding Beef like Titanic on the railing for him. A little too close over the edge, though. To be honest. I'm sorry, you guys are having a moment. Have you ever been on a ship like this before? Like a pirate ship? Yeah. One time we got

tied up in a pirate ship and we had to say the word trout. Oh, yeah! Yeah, Seb, that was one of yours. Yeah, Seb, that was your whole thing. Anyways, lead the way. Okay, cool, that was one of yours. Yeah, Seb, that was your whole thing. One of my things. Anyways, lead the way. Okay, cool. Follow me.

Once you go through a hatch on the main deck, it's just a rickety kind of wooden ladder that leads you to where the crew's quarters are, the crew's cabins. And it's essentially one big open room with a couple tables spread out maybe for meals. You have four ragged slightly damp cots hanging like two sets of bunk beds oh this is you guys uh it's no tops down or high-end hotel but with the way i sail this beautiful lady he puts a hand on the boards that like create the inside of the ship you will be rocked to sleep

by the gentle caress of the ocean's waves. Hey, you guys, is anyone else getting the vibe that this guy has sex with this ship? Oh, yeah. Hard. Should we leave the room? I think we should leave the room.

You guys want to have sex with this ship? Oh, he heard us. Can you? If you figure out how, please tell me. Oh. Is that part of this adventure? No, no.

You guys brought it up. Oh, okay. But you guys did pick an awesome time of year to go sailing, man. No rain, no storms, no squalls, no problems.

Just us gliding across the beautiful blue marble, getting to where we need to get to. And Captain, when will we be arrived? Please, Captain was my father's name. Oh. I'm Poppy, the sailor, man. So is there no captain of the ship? No, I am the captain. I'm sorry, I made that confusing.

Is that your name or your profession? No, it really was my dad's name, but he was a wizard. He was Captain the Wizard and your popular sailor, the captain. Dude, you're smart. Thank you. I look at the crew. God, oh, God. I could hear that a little bit more often as far as I'm concerned.

From us? Why would you do that? Oh, crap. I remember you all said that you're kind of in a hurry, so let me try to make up some time, and I'll try to catch the right winds for you. Dinner's at 7 down here, by the way, so don't miss it. Ooh, what are we having?

I don't know. In the meantime, do whatever you like. Your time is yours, guys. Great. Thank you. Thank you for your generosity. But if I were you, I'd spend as much time top deck as possible. One for the fresh air, but mostly for the view.

And he opens the hatch from below deck, and you all go back up top to see that the sun is now setting, and it is beautiful. The western sky is a beautiful layered tapestry, like pink, orange, and purple, slowly transitioning into a deep, dark, enchanting indigo on the eastern horizon. Oh, wow. God, I haven't seen a sunset like that since yesterday. Chalice is holding B fully off the side of the boat.

I'm a real woman! Something about this sunset is reminding me of the fact that every time I'm on a ship of this size, it is extremely violent. So I am filled with anxiety right now. And it looks like Poppy has some anxiety too. His brow's really furrowed, and he's got out his sleek spyglass

and he's looking at the horizon. He looks back at you guys and puts it away and he looks just as stressed out as Seb. Hey man, you look just like Seb right now. Are you okay? And you don't want that. It's the weirdest thing. If it wasn't calm season,

I'd swear it looks like we've got a storm on the horizon. But that would be ridiculously bad luck. Yeah. Yeah, because you said no rain, no storms, no squalls or nothing. Yeah, you promised, actually. Yeah, I did. So unless you guys brought a rat on board, I think we're okay. I shuffled to the edge of the ship and I pulled Jennifer out of my pocket.

And I kind of like try and discreetly drop her off the side. What are you doing? What are you doing? I was sleeping. She'll be fine. She'll be fine. She knows how to breaststroke. Right, Jenny?

Yeah. Right, Jennifer? Wait, what are you doing over there? Oh, we were talking too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're considering dropping the rat off the side of the ship. Did you actually? You guys are funny, man.

You didn't actually bring a rat on board, right? Define rat and define on board. We brought a friend on board. Are you guys serious? Did you actually bring a rat on board? Rat is sort of a, it's one of those funny words, like, who knows what that means? It is a funny word, Slap. It is a pretty funny word.

He's walked off. Oh. What the heck? You didn't tell us you were bad luck for ships. Of course I'm bad luck for ships. I'm a rat. I carry disease from place to place. I'm a sign.

I'm a harbinger of doom. Really? Why do you work in our kitchen? That's not a ship, idiot. I don't think we should have diseases in our kitchen. Can we throw Jennifer away? Yeah. I vote no.

What does the rest of the committee vote? I vote a strong yes. I think four seasons is enough. You've run your course. I don't think the captain is going to tell anybody else. And if I just like stay low key, then we'll be good. But Jennifer, the problem isn't the crew knowing. I will say that isn't what concerns me.

What concerns me is the storm and rain and swallows ending our lives. It's superstition, Chip. I hold her, Titanic style, off the end of the ship, pointing towards the storm approaching. That's not even going to come this way. I don't know. I'm going to grab her and throw her as far as I can. What the heck?

Are you serious, man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jennifer flies off the ship. Listen, guys, we have only hours to live. Yeah. Hey, Beef, I'm 100% on your side. And that's what Chalice wanted. It didn't sound like anybody was against this.

She'll be fine. She'll find us. She'll find us. She always has that nose, you know? You turn around, she's there. Yeah. This is not the first vessel off of which she's been thrown. Remember when we went on vacation and we didn't tell her where we were?

And then we got there and she was our waiter? Yes. She always finds us. Yeah. I've been there for two weeks. So she wasn't even in training. It was kind of incredible. Frankly, now I'm concerned we didn't throw her far enough.

Well, you were holding her, Chip, not doing nothing. I know. I'm sorry. And you all hear the clang, clang, clang of the dinner bell. Dinner's being served. Come on down. We all start rushing and grabbing each other by the ankles. down we all start rushing and grabbing each other by the ankles and if you go back down that ladder to where like the cruise quarters is you see that uh just

through the cruise quarters uh like behind where you came down the ladder there's a narrow hallway to where uh the kitchen is or at least where a meal is being prepared. And everyone's kind of lined up single file with a really just like a simple wooden bowl to get some slop kind of doled out to them is what it looks like the operation is right now. Do we have to bring our own bowls or are bowls provided? There's bowls provided. You see that there's a place to pick up the bowls. Excellent.

Excellent. And so you guys pick up some bowls and you are in line. Is this some self-serving or or we can go on both sides? Or is there someone serving us? Yeah. There is a slopper. There is a slopper. The slopper looks a lot like Prince Goro from Mortal Kombat.

He's huge. He's got four arms and a ponytail. Oh, perfect. I know exactly. Yeah. Prince Goro from Mortal Kombat. Goro. Of course.

Hey, Google it. I don't know what to tell you. I won't. You don't course. Hey, Google it. I don't know what to tell you. I won't. You don't want to, honestly. Okay, well, we're in line and we grabbed our bowls. Does he do all four of ours at once because he has four arms?

He does. Good, great call. Yes, that's exactly what he does. Mortal Kombat is awesome. That's cool. Y'all see, there's a couple of different tables. Some people are eating just like in their hammocks.

Some people are eating standing up. Some people are taking it even to the top deck because they got to still be working. But you see definitely four openings at one of the longer tables in the cruise quarters. Hey, guys, follow my lead, all right? These guys can be real bastards. Okay, Beef.

You got to be cool with the crew. Okay, what are we gonna do? Oh, we slide into the table. No, I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm so serious. We're serious. We're actually serious

Yeah You hear that storm's coming maybe? Storm, huh? I did hear a storm's coming In fact, we all heard a storm's coming And we all heard that there might be a reason that there's a storm coming Oh yeah? Yeah, we were talking to our own reasonings

We'd love to hear your reasonings Yeah, yeah, yeah We had reasons Yeah But what are yours? Yeah, well, yeah. We had reasons, but what are yours? Yeah, well, maybe one of us might have seen one of you throw a rat off this ship that you brought on. Chalice, do you want to field this question?

Oh, yeah, of course. That was a sandwich that wasn't to my liking that we threw off the side of the boat. It was a sandwich that wasn't to my liking that we threw off the side of the boat. It was a sandwich. That's probably what you saw. That wasn't to my liking. A bad sandwich. That we threw off the side of the boat. This is Chalice. Hates club sandwiches.

Thinks bacon is gross. I just say take it off. But, you know. You know, you can't tell the girl what to do. Give me a deception check. I would say with disadvantage,

but everybody's helping. We are? 15. It was a sandwich, huh? Yeah. Well, yeah, sandwich, huh? Yeah. Let's just say this crew's pretty tight. We've been sailing together for over two

decades. Oh, lovely. Congratulations. On this same ship, the SSVP. We heard that maybe you can have sex with the boat. Has anyone from the crew maybe... Don't bring it up. Nobody's been able to figure it out. Is this part of the adventure?

Let's just say this. We're a tight crew and we've never, ever been late. Not once, not ever. And I don't plan to be delayed by a bunch of buffoons. Well, things usually go according to plan when we're around. We are nothing but consistent people who attract good luck.

If you run into any buffoons, you let us know and we'll take care of them. Yeah, we'll beat them up. I'm gonna be honest with you, for your own good. Right when you walked on this ship, we all agreed. The entire crew. We don't like you.

So how about this? If you don't want things to go awry, here's what you're going to do. Oh. And then Chef Prince Goro walks up, and he has four little nightcaps that he puts on all four of your heads at the same time. Aw. Thank you, Goro. Now, take the hint. How about you just stay out of the cruiseway,

alright? And go to bed a little early tonight. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, you are. Now, Nighty-Night, don't let the bedbugs bite.

The what? There's what? And he walks up the ladder. If we get bedbugs in the bar one more time, they're going to shut us down. Yeah, there's not bedbugs on the ship. That's just a joke. That's not. That's just a joke, right?

You're joking. You got to tell me. And you hear the hatch to the top deck slam shut. And you hear almost like what sounds like a deadbolt go through. Whoa. Which would be your access to the top of the deck nobody's here is actually sleepy right no no oh no i was just scared i was so confused i'm so good at identifying when you guys are sleepy and you guys didn't look

sleepy at all i was so confused no no just scared that man. Should we take all the mattresses and put them on the ground? Yeah. I'm looking for all these crew's quarters. Apparently, there's quarters all over the place, and I haven't seen a single one. Chip, that's where you sleep. They sleep on money? I don't have time to do this. Somebody called him smart 10 minutes ago.

Beef, let's get all the mattresses. We'll make one big bed in the center of the room and we'll have a little slumber party. Yay! Oh, I found a nickel. Oh, boy. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you?

And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people, or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and

vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom Dnd today to get 10 off your first month that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash sitcom dnd so we flash forward to you guys 10 minutes later we are uh have our head in our hands and

we're kicking our legs behind us, and we're all facing each other, and we're just giggling like it's a sleepover, and it's past our bedtime. We don't want anyone to hear that we're still up. So what do you think your dad looks like? I don't know. That's such a good question. What do you think?

I think he looks half like you. Psychology would say that he might look a little like you. Isn't it said that you are attracted to people who look like your parents? I also am glad you look nothing like my mother, frankly. Your mom's hot. Yeah, your mom is hot. No, that's Seb's mom. Oh, yeah, your parents are dead.

My mom's dead. Your parents are dead. That's so true. She's so hot. I have a question, and I just need everyone to be super honest. Does anyone feel even a little guilty about Jennifer? Who? Oh, yes.

I feel guilty that we brought her on the ship. I do. Yeah. Is it bad if I say no? I still... You swear maybe just the faintest Jennifer's scream can be heard on the horizon. And now all four of you are swinging in your hammocks, and you fall into a deep, deep slumber

until you are tossed from your hammocks, respectively. You're now on the floor of the cruise quarters, and the latch gets undone. And when that latch gets undone and the hatch opens up, one of the sailors comes down on the ladder, the same one that was getting in your face earlier. And all the sound from outside pours in, too. You see lightning outside and hear these cracks of thunder,

and rain pours in, and you see that it is a storm outside, and he comes down and starts screaming at you. And this all happens within a second, where you are in a deep sleep, now you are rocked awake, there is a man screaming in all of your faces as you gather yourselves from the floor.

Get up! We need you, top deck! We need you! Now! No, go out and try again. Where are we? Yes, that was rude. Go out and try again.

He grabs the first closest people, which is Seb and Beef, and he grabs you by your shirts, and he is bringing you towards the ladder. Get up! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! Don't you get it? Get out there! Help us! Oh my god, I hate storms. I hate wind! Before you know it, you are all top deck and you are in the belly of the beast. Before, it was nice to be on a ship where it feels like you're kind of on a giant waterbed and it almost felt like you were on this undulating you were on a wave but at this point it is a hellscape

that you're on you hear just screams getting lost in the sounds of the waves and the rain and because you can't see five feet from the boat it looks like you're fighting an enormous monster in the dark and it's just shaking the entire boat it's just the sensation that you're fighting an enormous monster in the dark, and it's just shaking the entire boat. It's just the sensation that you're having. Because it is pitch black around the boat. Give me a perception check. I'm, like, kind of scared. Three.

Nine. Two. I got a 15. Seb, everybody else, I mean, it's just sensory overload. There's just too much happening. Rain is whipping in your face. Seb, you noticed a couple of things. It looks like somehow a small oil fire has started on one part of the ship

because of a broken lantern that went down. And what you see in the same moment is one of the sailors, who's desperately trying to hold on to a rope that's attached to the main sail, gets yanked by the sheer force of the wind and goes flying overboard. Man overboard! Man overboard! Jaw it right! And you see him get hit by one of the main logs that creates one of these sails that's ripping to the right. And he gets hit and taken off the boat as well. Whoa. Oops.

And while this is happening, that main guy that got in your face grabs all of you and is screaming in your face. He's only two inches away, but it's still hard to hear him. And he's screaming in your face. We need to get the mainsail under control! We need to get the mainsail under control! Everyone, grab a rope if you can find it!

Grab a rope! You see all four ropes to this mainsail that are not taut that need to be tied back down. They are just whipping in the wind around the middle of the ship. So they're not really staying in one place for too long, but they all attach towards the top of the

mainsail. Chalice panics and pulls on Chip's sleeve a little and just points over to the ropes. Oh, okay. I got him. And I lumber over and I grab all four of the ropes. To get each one, you're going to have to do, I would say, a dexterity check for each one

because these things are whipping around and this boat is going left to right and keeling. It's pretty nuts. I don't trust my friends to grab all of them, so I'm going to try and grab a couple of them and then hand it to them. First one, 14. One of the ropes gets slapped into your hand.

You catch it as it's whipping in the air, and it slides right out of your hand. You can't hold on to it. Oh. Now, is anybody else trying to do anything? Can I, because I know there's a fire ongoing. Can I use my cantrip druidcraft to snuff out that

fire? Yes, you can. Okay. I do that. So I'm actually helping a lot. I'll try to grab the rope while it slides out of Chip's hand. Yeah, give me a dexterity check. Well, okay. 19. Okay, with a 19, you've got it of Chip's hand. Yeah, give me a dexterity check. Well, okay. 19. Okay, with a 19, you've got it firmly in your hand.

Look, I got it! Is Beef doing anything? You know what, I'll try for a rope, but we'll see what happens. Okay, I like the attitude. I got a 13. Okay, with a 13, you will also grab onto a rope, but you can't hold onto it. The wind's whipping it too hard, and your grip's not tight

enough. These are like slippery hot dogs! So after that round that we just did of you guys making choices, we're going to have an environmental turn. Well, you feel a huge lurch as you crest over another enormous wave, and the rain's whipping against you. And you

hear one of the sailors, you can't even tell who at this point, goes, Captain, we lost to Growsness! We're sailing blind! I yell pickle. And, uh, my beautiful cape. Is it like Thor? Does my cape come from nowhere to me? Or... But doesn't your cape that you're wearing turn into, like, bat wings, basically? I'm here to negotiate give me a roll of a luck check of your bag of stuff if you remembered to pack pickle or not i'm elizabeth's lawyer and you'll actually talk through me from now on i got a 14. Let's go. All right. You packed pickle.

I'm happy for you. Yay. I yell pickle and he. And Thor's hammer flies out of there. I don't need that. I need pickle. As you're flying around, you are actively trying to avoid getting hit by any of the moving sails and masts as they kind of whip on these undulating waves and you do see okay where the crow's nest once was it's kind of just splintered wood but it looks like there's enough of a footing there where you could rest your feet and hold on to the mast and look out

onto the waves and so what you do see is that this ship is on a straight collision course for a rock iceberg, which is just a big rock. Iceberg up ahead! Can I grab the ropes as fast as I possibly can? You can try. I feel bad for failing last time, and I just want to do it again, but better. Non-natural 20. Dirty 20. Yes!

but better. Non-natural 20. Dirty 20. Yes! I'm going to say Chip goes ahead and grabs two different ropes and they are pulled taut in your hands. I will let you take an additional action. We'll call that a bonus action, grabbing onto those. If I pull these two ropes, can I

twist the sail to the right or to the left? Is that something I can do? Yes. You have that feeling that this controls which direction the sail is facing. I could tell. Yeah, I could tell. Chalice, pull with me! And with the three ropes that we have,

we try and pull as hard as we can. Alright, both of you give me strength checks then. Well, I got a 19, so... Oh, nice. Chip, what'd you get? I got a 17. It pretty much pulls 90 degrees. Like, it does a 90-degree turn, and the wind is catching kind of almost every direction. So it looks like the ship is going to be, yeah, moving in a different direction, but almost tipping over.

Just because, yeah, it turned 90 degrees, so now it's, like, facing exactly the wind, and it's making it pretty top-heavy. so now it's like facing exactly the wind and it's making it pretty top heavy. So unless the rudder also turns to kind of match the sail, you guys might even tip into the water here. I'm going to try to turn the rudder. Is there like a wheel? Do I need to do any sort of like perception check? Yeah, give me a perception check to see what you see

as you run towards the back. And I got a natural 20. Oh my goodness. Thank God. Give it to me. me okay so you see a lot uh one you see the captain's wheel uh it looks just like every you know uh pirates captain's wheel type of thing any nautical ship of that time that you've seen before it's large and it is kind of just like spinning and going back and forth left to right. And what you also see is Poppy. He is knocked unconscious.

There's a little bit of blood on his temple. It looks like maybe he got caught by one of the masts or something like that, one of the booms moving around. And he is just laid out, kind of moving limply back and forth left and right as the ship undulates. He just is kind of sliding across the deck unconscious. And so there is no one there to grab this wheel right now. Oh, no.

He's unconscious. Does that mean he's at zero hit points right now? It's safe to say that, yeah, he's been knocked unconscious. He's been taken down to zero. What are you going to do? I'm going to run over to him, touch him, and cast Cure Wound. Okay. So you put your hands on Poppy.

You catch up with him as he's sliding across the deck, and you feel the magic go into his body. You feel this healing energy, and his eyes shoot open. Oh, what is happening, dude? What year is it? The year of our Lord. Get the wheel. So he goes to get to his feet.

What did you say? The year of our Lord. He kind of like stumbles to his feet. And he like immediately kind of, you can tell he's like grasping the gravity of the situation. But he immediately kind of is stumbling and collapsing. He's like, I can't, man. Turn it right. Turn it right.

He was useless. It is now Beef's turn. You're zip zap zopping around. I've got to pickle my way down. I'm going to go for the wheel. I should go for the wheel. I think it's reasonable to say that you overheard the captain as you're kind of swooping down to help Seb. Yael, turn it to the right.

Okay. This is the year of our Lord. I'm holding on to the freaking wheel, and I'm going to pull with all my little bard might. Okay. All right. Now Now it is supposed to be a wheel that is easily turned. So it shouldn't be too crazy

of a strength check, but give me a strength check. It's a three. Okay. I don't think it's that hard to turn it though, right? You did say that. Please? I did. I was thinking that... Does he need to call his lawyer?

I think I need to. Who's Beef's lawyer? Oh, yeah, you're right. I could do a fun voice for this. Yeah, it's Aaron Keith. How dare you! How dare you talk to my client without calling me first.

One more outburst like that and I will hold you in contempt. Oh, yeah? But with the three, I can in good conscience give it to you. And so with this environmental turn, what happens is as you're all beef, you've got your hands straining on the wheel, you've moved it probably a quarter of the way that you need to. Everyone feels an enormous impact as you hit this large rock.

And everyone goes lurching forward. And nothing bad happens? At that exact moment, everyone flings forward. Everyone give me a constitution check just to see how that went for them. Six. Yeah. 22. Three. 18 for me. Anyone who got under

a 10, take a d6 of damage. You flew forward and you hit something hard. Most likely with your noggin. And as you guys all kind of get to your feet here, you're all in kind of different parts of the ship now. And it's just, if it wasn't chaotic before, it is absolute chaos now. The ship has now come to like a complete stop because it has hit this rock at just a dead

impact. And you feel the front dipping forward. It's not too hard to imagine or assume that there has been a breach of the hull and water is just pouring in. And it's pouring into the front of the boat and you guys are sinking. Can I identify if they have any lifeboats? Any like the smaller boats? Give me a perception check.

Okay. 18. Okay, with an 18, you do a quick glance around during this chaos, and you see that there are four lifeboats. Okay, there's two on the left side of the ship. There's two on the right. And you also see that from this impact, the front one on the right side has actually become disattached from the main ship.

It is already in the water about 10 feet below. Okay. Yeah. I pick up Chalice if I can, and I head towards and jump off the ship into that boat. Give me an athletics check. Ooh, nat 20, so 27. Oh, my Lord. Chalice, is that also what you want to do? I could do something with shape water or gust to try to keep some of the water from coming in the boat for just a minute.

Do you want to do that after you guys get into the lifeboat and you can see it from the outside? So what happens first is Chip scoops up Chalice, jumps off the ship, and it looks pretty action movie style, where he's jumping off a giant sinking ship in slow motion, lands in a lifeboat that's already on the water, and then Chalice immediately turns, looks, and sees the breach in the hull that water's pouring into. And I freeze the water. And you freeze the water.

Okay. Creating like a stoppage, huh? Like a cork almost of ice. And it lasts for one hour. Okay. Oh. That's really smart. Okay.

Seb, what are you doing? Oh, I'm casting Misty Step, and I am teleporting onto that little ship. Okay. You're on the lifeboat. And, Seb, it looks so action style as you just kind of appear on the ship. Are you doing, are you doing a cool pose or anything,

Seb? Or what do you look like? Uh, yeah, no, my legs are crossed very tightly and I am chewing bubble gum. Beef. You got hit with one of the bows when you were zip zap zapping around after impact

what do you do now here as you dust yourself off and see Chip and Chalice and now Seb head for the lifeboat great uh I get up I dust myself off and I waddle limp well you can fly still oh that lasts

for an hour I believe yeah I'm gonna fly down what the hell okay well what does it freaking look like uh action style oh looks good and i land um on the boat where it's like that how batman lands with like he's kneeling his head's bowed down and he's and he's kneeling and his cape is like you know what i'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I look up, and I go, I'm so sorry, guys. I rolled a three. Just like Batman.

It looked like the heaviest wheel I've ever seen. I don't even think I would have been able to do it. I feel like if you rolled a three, you would have been able to do it. Hey, I saved that piece of shit that could have saved us, and he did nothing. So I'm part of this too. Chalice, did you do that? Did you make the plug?

Did you put the plug in there? Yeah. That looks great. That's great. Thanks, guys. It's them. It's all their fault. They brought a rat on.

I know it. Little Jim saw it. He did. And that's why the storm hit. And that's why this happened. Keep. And then you hear, like, just in the background chaos of people like, keep getting water over.

Keep getting the water over. And so they're taking buckets of water from, like, the quarters downstairs and tossing it over the side so that they don't completely sink. And it's a pretty hostile environment up there towards you guys who are now in the lifeboat. Okay, well, first of all, f*** Little Jim. That's the first thing. We will not forget his name.

Well, f*** you too! F*** you, Little Jim! I told the captain we didn't like you immediately! I see another rat on board, and that's you, Little Jim! You're the rat! You're the rat. Yay my friends. I didn't betray our trust. Never liked

you. I shoot him with a crossbow. Yeah let's kill him. Let's kill this guy. I give you an attack roll. I shoot him with a crossbow. That was too far. He's slapping his little bum with just his wrist as he's sticking his little butt over the side. Okay. Yeah really?

Real funny. Okay I rolled, really? Real funny. Okay, I rolled a non-natural 20. Oh! And this is what he's saying as you're cocking the crossbow. Great, great. Oh, by the way, there is a way to f*** this ship. I do it all the time. Oh!

F***ing this ship. You're just too stupid to figure it out. And in that moment, an arrow goes up his ass yep okay it goes straight into his butt cheek and does nine damage how do you like that splinter dick oh mama oh ew that guy definitely has sex Hey man you guys really screwed this up Man like I'm sorry But you can tell The clouds are already starting to part And we can start to see the stars again

You guys are the problem we're not letting you back on And that's fair Yeah that's okay we got ourselves a little boat now Yeah good luck guys You're not too far from land so How far? Can you point in the direction? Yeah, it's just north.

It's probably just another, probably just since you guys are in a rowboat, it'll take another day on your trip. Should we try to get back on? So the boat's already pulling away. And it looks a little bit lopsided, but it looks like you are not welcome there. You're severely outnumbered, and it's going in the distance. Chalice, end your spell right now. No, Chip. They weren't all bad. It would be

funny. Okay, I'll melt it a little. Sir, it's melting! It's melting! I feel bad. Oh, no, it's better now! Ah, f*** it. Let it melt. Oh, God, it's gone! And you start better now. Ah, f*** it. Let him out. Oh, God, it's gone. And you start to see it go forward,

and they start all running for the lifeboats on the sides. We should probably skedaddle. We point our boat in the direction of the island. Yeah, give me a D, just give me a D20 roll. Rolling just crappily today. Three. All that means is that three hours pass before you saw land. So you guys were rowing for three hours.

You start to see the sun rise. And with the sunrise, you see some mountains and one big, almost like a rounded mountain in the distance. and one big, almost like rounded mountain in the distance, which, based on the map that you had, probably could be exile. Well, Land Ho. We got some time to kill, I guess, though. What are we going to say to him when we see him? I don't know.

Do you think he's going to want to come with us? I hope so. I mean, if my mom liked him, then I bet he's great. great my mom was great and i think i'll probably look enough like my mom if he didn't see the tv show yeah that he'll recognize me yeah did you bring a photo or and nothing piece of oh none of my identification nothing what about your ring if he knows your mom he knows the ring oh yes yes yes and you got the tooth so you can show him yes i do i forgot all of my stuff we're so prepared i forgot about all of my things that are about my character and i kiss all of you thank god you're all here and i love you all we love you too and we love your

character you have great character thank you really dynamite character you think oh man you're being really nice what about a song what if we did a song for him oh like what three two one daddy beef's patting his belly as you guys are are singing your song and Beef's slapping his belly, the boat gets jostled a bit and you hear a thud. You look around to see that there are shark fins surrounding them. Oh, good. I thought it was going to be Jennifer.

Okay. How do we kill these things? There looks to be eight almost pink pink in colorish but pink gray shark fins like circling and moving around the boat what if we laid a trap for them like what if i did something like this and i tear a piece of my shirt and i use my axe to cut my arm a little bit and i like put my blood all over the shirt and then I toss my shirt over to like lure them in that direction. You throw a bloody shirt as far as you can. Give me a strength check.

See how far you can chuck it away from you guys. Oh my God. It better be far. They're going to murder us. All right. 21. If you botch that, it's just in the ship and then they,

we're dead. All right. With the 21, it gets some good distance. You get some good airtime on that thing and it splashes in the ship. And then they go in there. All right. With the 21, it gets some good distance. You get some good airtime on that thing. And it splashes like 50 yards away. Like you- Holy cow.

I chucked it. That was wild. It was a light piece of fabric. How did it have the momentum? That was incredible. You put a lot of blood in there. You put a lot of blood in there. I'm not doing okay, guys.

I'm not doing well. Uh-oh. I'm not doing good. I threw that way too hard. Ooh. I'm just going to use healing word. So that's going to be 1d4 plus 3. Well, what are those healing words?

I love you, buddy. Oh, I love you too. So plus 6. Great. you buddy oh i love you too so plus six right the shirt lands out there and about a full minute goes by before the shark fins go underwater and disappear and now you're moving even closer to the island exile and you guys are probably within a uh a rowboat sprint away from the beach when you see the shark fins go crazy and reappear 50 now it's probably 75 yards away behind you and you realize that these shark fins don't belong to sharks They're almost like ridges or elbows if they had elbows

on tentacles of like a giant squid. And this thing is attacking that shirt and getting the blood. And you see as it surfaces, it's like the body of this squid, this pink squid, is like a beholder, which is like a big one-eyed monster in D&D. Google it if you're not too scared.

We've had one before. I had a baby one. We had a baby one. Okay, good memory. Don't talk down to us. I had a baby Bjorn with it. Yeah, you did. I love beef.

You got a real cool character, man. We're all complimenting our characters in this lifeboat. But it looks like a beholder with a bunch of tentacles coming off it that are much longer like a squid and then like that triangle squid top of the head coming off the beholder so it's not like a perfect circle head it's like a squid head kind of thing but still has the mouse and everything mouth and everything and it realizes this probably seems like it's not as intelligent as your average beholder and it realizes that it's kind of been got and that's just bait uh or a distraction and it bellows out a roar and submerges back underwater and looks like it might be coming back to this what it now realizes is the source is you guys can i use gus to just uh keep us

moving faster away from it? Okay, yeah. Are you going to point? So tell me how you're going to use it because you guys aren't necessarily in a sailboat right now. Can we hold up a piece of fabric? Like a cape? If only somebody had a cape.

Like a Batman cape? I'd take Pickle off. Yeah, we hold the corners of it to make it like a sail on our little boat. All right, and Chalice does gust, and this huge, powerful gust of wind comes, catches pickle, and you all give me a strength check for the two holding onto it to make sure it doesn't fly out of your hands. I'm not going to hold onto it. Who's at seven?

Chip holding onto it, right? Yeah, thank God. So, Chip, you can roll with advantage if Seb is helping on a strength check. Oh, okay. With advantage, I roll roll with advantage if Seb is helping on a strength check. Oh, okay. With advantage, I roll the 17. You manage to hold on. The gust catches Pickle, and you guys are cruising as you coast right up onto the shore. And you're on the sand.

And as you're celebrating, you hear the roar again. You see a shark-finned huge tentacle slap down on the beach as this thing is getting as far out of the water as it can without hurting itself. Coming after you guys. Run! They'll take off? Yeah, we run. We run. All right, you skedaddle.

Now you guys are a little bit further up the beach as this thing screams and then goes back into the water pretty pissed off. It actually grabs the boat with it on the way out, the robo. Oh! Takes it and just smashes it into splinters and pulls it back into the depths. Okay, now I want to kill it. Well, it's gone now, so you can't. Chalice. I know.

The whole pattern of today of leaving a boat and then shooting a crossbow back in that direction. You guys are now, like, panting. You do feel the warm sand sticking to you because you guys are all soaking wet at this point. Beef's kissing the sand. He's kissing the sand. God, I love the land.

I love the land. Beef, it's been two days. As you flop onto your back here, you're breathing heavily and staring up at the sun. And you're finally catching your breath. And it looks like you've arrived to exile. Oh, my God. This guy better be real.

He better be real. Beef, you're doubting he's real now? I mean, I'm just doubting in everything myself. Is it even the Lord's year? Okay, everybody, let's try to make ourselves look presentable

and then I'm going to look and see if there's any sort of like building that someone would live in. Okay. Why don't you give me first just like a perception check.

18. You're just getting your lay of the land here. An exile is small. It's no bigger than a couple football fields in length altogether. And at the center of this thing is a much taller than even the island is wide. Large, smooth stone. Looks like a big egg, hence Egg's Isle. You see something coming off the side of it

about like 50 feet up. Looks like there's a rocky kind of stairway leading to maybe what would be like a little hut that was built and attached to the side of this giant stone egg kind of gives you some insight into what hansen's day-to-day must be like you see where there's a little path that leads into the woods and right next to it on the ground here before it leads into like a stony path going up is a big pile of wood that he must you know chop and keep for like fires and things like that you see a stone well that was dug into the sand with stones

around it that goes down to capture non-salt water down below and uh you're now walking along the stone steps that ascend up to where this like hut built off it exists. And before long, you're stepping up to Hansen's abode here. I'm already crying. Okay, I'm going to knock on the door. What if he's crazy? All right. Seb.

They all turn and they're all looking at Seb for so long. And then we knock. There's no answer. It sounds like there's some sound happening inside. But nobody answers the door. Excuse us. Sorry, we are not here

to bother you or anything. But if we could just have a minute of your time. Not your blood. No. Oh, sorry. Think of how that sounds. And there's no answer.

Okay, f*** this. I'm going in. Can I pick the lock? When you touch the door, though, you notice that it just opens up. It was almost not even closed. And now you're stepping inside hansen's abode uh where you see it's it's pretty simple um a lot of it has been made from like palm trees

and the wood from palm trees and it's attached to via like a structure and uh like bamboo ties things like that it's all things built out of like palm wood and rope made from like palm tied together. Chalice, why don't you give me an investigation check as you're trying to take in as much information as you can. He better be here after what we've gone through. 16. You can tell that he is not here.

That's the first thing that you notice. When we threw our friend Jennifer into the ocean for nothing. It does look like someone left in a hurry and things are kind of knocked out of the way and amiss and askew. And one thing that catches your eye is like there's a what looks like it would hold a portrait but is completely empty just like things are just out of order and amok there's only one room up here um with a beautiful open window that oversees the ocean uh and a small cot and just a few items there's one simple pot and it looks like one old boot that needs some repairing. But what you also notice is that he had a dish. And by a dish, he had that magical shield upside down on his roof that allows him to receive major images that are cast.

And you know this because on the wall of his abode is projected a major image. And it's on a TV show, which, of course live and you see centauri chalice start really affectionately like picking up all the different things that he's made um and she gets a little teary and she goes he cares about me he saw and he cares and he must have left to go find me. Oh my God. I thought for a sec maybe he went on a family cruise and did invite you, but that makes way more sense. Somebody who is still alive who cares about me and my family. I'm not completely alone. Classic.

I mean, that's kind of crazy. I said that thing about it being crazy, but this is crazy, you guys. Did we indicate in any way in that episode that we worked at Bottoms Up? Can you just tell by looking at us? Yeah, honestly. If I was him, I'd be like, I'll just go to the castle.

I'll go around to the castle. I'll go to the town where that castle is. Here's the problem. I go to the town where that castle is. Here's the problem. The problem is it was going to take us two days to come here and then a two day journey back. On top of that, we added an extra day because of the whole Jennifer problem.

So we've been... We're a... We're two days out from land and we only have a day to get back before the end of the season. So... Did someone say Jennifer Pribla? God, we knew you'd find us. I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it. You guys thought you could get rid of me, huh? No, I knew you'd come back. I knew you'd come back. We just couldn't get rid of you. Well, you're on my island. I've been here.

Oh, my God, of course. For how long? It's like vacation all over again. I was thrashing in the waves, breathing a breath that I thought was going to be my very last, when the locals around here

must have seen me from above as a pretty delectable snack because they scooped me up into their talons. But they weren't counting on me being so charming, were they? So I appealed to their better nature, immersed myself in their culture. Why are you giving a villain speech? It's a hero speech! I'm saving you!

No. No, not the way he talks. What? Oh my god. You guys tried to kill me and I'm helping. I think the least we could do is let her finish. Oh my god. So anyways,

I immerse myself in their culture. Can we do other things though? While I'm talking? No. Pay attention. Chip's looking through hansen's records yeah we're making a fortune okay you know what forget it good luck good luck getting back in time i know that you have to get back soon and you have no way of doing it i saw your boat get smashed to pieces and i laughed my ass off this is a villain speech In what way are you not the villain, Jennifer? You caused a storm to happen to us.

And she's storming off, but her footsteps are so small that she's not moving too far. Wait, wait, wait. Jennifer, you've been here for a little while. Is there a boat for us to get back and also a boat for you to get back to around Bottoms Up? Separately. Separately. Separately. For you to get back. A whole different ship.

Yes. Oh my god. So you can give a letter to Hanson from me and tell him where to meet us so he can get there in time. And I hope based on the fact that he wanted to go look for me, he probably loves me in some way, shape, or form. Okay. First of all, unfortunately, there's no boats.

But there are Segals and she points up and you guys look up and enormous wings must be 15 20 feet in diameter almost black out the sun above you as a giant eagle lands right on the stone stairway in front of you. Oh. And it is enormous. Definitely bigger than any human, probably twice to three times the size of a human,

and a beautiful brown plumage. And it is like a bald eagle-esque, just enormous in every way. But it's a Smeagol, so the top of its head is like a Gollum head, but with a beak. Gollum like frog? Gollum from like Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings.

Okay. And it's a Smeagol. I scream. Chalice screams. I second the scream. And I go, oh, the plumage on this thing is gorgeous. Hi there, little guy. Don't touch him.

And don't make eye contact, beef. I know their ways and I know their culture. But his eyes are so big and horrible. Don't look at him. I talk with them, okay? And they're open. I can ride in a different Smeagol. But you're lucky that I immersed myself in their culture and I know their ways.

Because they will take us where we want to go. But they made us be very clear about one thing. Okay? What? That they want you to know they're not busy now. Okay? And they owe me money because we've been gambling. Oh, my God.

They owe you money? Yeah, baby. Yeah, boo. Jenny's coming through. Jenny's a big. But they wanted to be clear that they're not just at the beck and call of people. Like they have their own goals and their own culture and politics. Like they could be busy, but they're not.

So that's why this makes sense right now. I pick up Jenny and I give her a squeeze and a kiss and I go, Jenny, you're brilliant. We can get home in time. Oh, beef. Thank you. So easy to win over okay i'll spread the news i think i can probably get on three of them should be enough um to get us where we need to go oh wait charles you should i should go in what do i actually all you have to

do is get back to bottoms up and i'm going to hand you this letter, and I'm going to actually sew it to you. Not in a painful way, in a way in which you cannot lose it. And then if you see Hanson Henricks, I'm going to write his name on it, then you give him this letter, and it will explain everything, okay? Okay. Oh, you mean, is that the guy that used to live here? Yes. The one who screamed, that's my daughter, gotta get to her and took off you were here when that happened how was that possible yeah i must have been i washed up way sooner than you guys

that was in the past then yeah what are you talking there's something going on with this island we'll figure it out later it's like lost with all yeah we'll be back. We got to get off this thing. Yeah, we got to get the hell out of here. All right. And with that, two more eagles drop and kind of offer their backs and kind of like bow for you to get on. Thank you. Do we have to bow? We bow. It looks like they appreciated that.

Oh, nice. Oh, thank God. One of them cost up a fishtail. Oh, for me? Cool. For me? Beef, don't touchail. Oh, for me? Cool. For me? Beef, don't touch that. Beef, don't touch that.

It looks like they're upset that no one's touching it. I touched it. I touched it. Beef, touch it. Beef, touch it. They like that. They like that. This is mine.

So then before long, you do take off and you launch off the side of the stone stairway. It looks like you're doing a dead drop, just a complete dive almost into the wooded the stone stairway. It looks like you're doing like a dead drop, like just a complete dive almost into the wooded area by the beach. And then you, right above the tree line, level out, and now you're soaring over the ocean as the sun is hitting the water. Yaboo! That's my thing, Tim!

Don't you f***ing dare! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into making this show that we love possible. If you want to keep up with the gang, and you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcomdnd. That's sitcom and the letters D-N-D.

This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show and see new character drawings by our very own Waleed. Okay. I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday.

Thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HateGum Podcast.