SitcomD&D - S4 E3: The Infiltration | Chip’s Attempt

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

In an attempt to save his crush Chalice from Castle Glass, Chip will have to go undercover as a high speed carriage driver to compete for the honor of transporting her around. But he’ll need to be vulnerable enough to rely on a team that becomes more like family if he wants to win. Is he FAST and FURIOUS enough for the job? Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs Featuring: Jesse Kendall Theme Song by: Arne Parrott Artwork by: Waleed Mansour Story Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean Coyle Edited by: Sean MeagherSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I saw Dave Franco at a coffee shop. Whoa. Oh, my God. Did he order something fucked up? He ordered a muffin and a coffee. That's fucked up. Weird.

Okay. And you guys are not going to believe how he ate the muffin. Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to believe how he ate the muffin. Say. Yeah. You're not going to believe how he ate the muffin. Say with his mouth. Please say with his mouth. Bingo, Aaron, with his mouth.

Whoa. What? They are just like us. They are just like us. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dun dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience previously on sitcom dnd chalice has been taken against her will by the crown so seb beef jennifer and ship all attempted to covertly raft into the castle grounds via the aqueduct system that runs underneath

frasier but the king was one step ahead of them and thwarted this attempt so our cast has since decided that the safest most discreet way they could try and get to chalice is by splitting up and going through the employee entrance last episode we experienced beef's perspective as he attempted to get to chalice by earning the number one butler rank in Glass Castle. But a strong connection and good intentions with Percy ultimately got him caught. So today, we'll be picking up in the same place and at the same time that we started last week, with Seb at the front, Chip in the middle, and Beef towards the end of the employee entrance line. Step at the front, Chip in the middle, and beef towards the end of the employee entrance line.

However, this time around, we'll be seeing the day through someone else's perspective. Chip's perspective! And knowing Chip, if he doesn't get the chalice fast, he's going to be furious. And with that, Jennifer zips past you in line and screams, Buy gold, sis! I find jealous first! Come on, you guys know I'm good for it! May the best rat win! So Chip will pick up there, quiet on set, sound speeding,

and we're rolling! Yay! When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous

On another happy day We're in different fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Is Chip dressed up as any type of particular employee right now here's the thing about chip ahoy the season four style for those of you not on the patreon chip is now an eldritch knight due to his night night schooling so chip has spells including disguise self so he's actually gonna cut that's right that's right so he's actually gonna cast disguise self on himself and uh he's going to uh make himself look like a nearby knight that he sees like he sees a knight and he's like oh this is perfect now give me a perception roll can do also season four chip no longer has a negative perception score. And I rolled a four. Okay. Wow.

Huge. That would have been a three. Season 3 and before would have been a three. Now it's a four. So, Sean, what does four get me? You see what looks to be a very small chef was being attacked by some dark magic and was tossed by a knight into the moat. Here's the thing about Season 4, Chip. He's got spells now, including messages. So he's going to message, which allows me to do a little whisper at a friend nearby.

And that friend and I can chat with one another. So I'm going to look back at Beef and say hi to Beef. Beef. Yeah. Hey, what's up? How's it going? Hey, you look good. Thank you.

Thank you. I do a twirl. It's fake, but it's shiny, which is cool. But one day you're going to be a real knight. I know it, man. Thanks, Beef. You too, I guess. Oh, I don't want to be a knight.

Right. But like you too, as in whatever you want. You too. Wow. I learned something new today. Yeah, what's that that what'd you learn and then in that moment chip uh you just hear behind you uh employee badge and you spin around to see that uh they're asking the person that's just about three ahead of you right now. I guess I want to try and see if anybody nearby me has a badge that I can stealthily grab from them.

Okay, give me an investigation check then. Can do. 21. Oh, not 20. Oh, not 20? Oh, not 20. You see that this guy, he's wearing like dark sunglasses. He looks worse for it.

He might have been out pretty late last night and his employee badge. And you see exactly what an employee badge must be. Cause it's like a sigil of the crown in almost like a coat of arms format, but that's about like an inch and a half long. And you see it just really kind of sitting on a chain, but dangling out the back of his pocket. Okay. I'm going to try and snatch it from this guy. Okay. Give me a sleight of hand check. Okay.

That's a four. You are able to touch it, but you cannot grab it. It falls immediately to the ground, and it alerts the guy in front of you, and he turns around, and now he's looking at you. Yeah, you drop this, actually. All right. Dude, I just don't have my shit shit together i'm so fucked for today you know what that's a good point let me do your job for you today he shoves the badge into your hand

oh oh okay perfect and he's already turned he's already turning walking away he's like thanks just uh yeah leave it uh just yeah Just get it to me when you can. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no problem. Employee badge. Um, hi. Hello. My badge.

And I twirl it around my finger and I shove it in his face. And he scans it. Well, it says you work in the stables, but you dress like a knight. Yeah, I brought this for my friend. My friend, the knight, he was actually sleeping over last night at my place. So I thought I'd just wear it here. It's easier than carrying it in like a bag or something. Do you believe that?

He just shoves the badge back at you again. He doesn't care. Oh, good. You got the badge. Just go. Go. Yeah, yeah. badge back at you again he doesn't care oh good you got the just go go yeah yeah so chip you are inside the inner ward walls which means you're essentially within reach almost of the castle you can almost think of like the inner ward as a very protected area almost like a college campus that has a bunch of different buildings on it that your employee badge

has gotten you into. There is a flow of people that are moving towards the stables and these aren't like normal stables that you might just see outside you know some farmer's house you'd see their barn with with a couple of stalls. From the outside this looks like the equivalent of like a modern air hangar. It's enormous, but it's like one shape that's got like half domed on the top and it goes for a long while. And there's a lot of activity happening

in and out of it and around it. And as a heads up, I will say Disguise Self lasts about an hour and that hour is up in three, two, one, done. You no longer appear as a shiny knight. Is there anything you want to do before you enter? Yeah, I think I'm just a little bit worried that I might get recognized because I'm obviously such a big, huge hero and everybody kind of around knows me. So I'm going to go into the bathroom. I'm going to change up my hairstyle just for the sake of like trying to be a little bit more undercover, if that's okay. Oh, my God.

Are you going to cut the pony off? Okay. So what I am going to do, I'm going to cut the pony off and I'm going to use my pee to dye my hair blonde. So it'll be nice, short, messy, blonde hair. You're taking a pit stop halfway to a piss stop the uh a piss stop to the stables you are in an outhouse there's a row of outhouses out there for folks who are doing the outdoor work uh and you cut your ponytail piss on it and place it back on your head is that right no no i'm dying the hair that is on my head. This is the start of the episode.

I'm aware. I'm aware. I feel like I blacked out. What's happening? You exit from your piss stop, and you're back on your way to the stables. And by the time that you enter, you can really see this is awe-inspiring. There is a huge barn door type entry, but the barn doors, the height of them go almost like 40, maybe even 50 feet in the air. It's like truly enormous. And they, it takes many people to push them to the side to open it. Uh, and immediately you're hit with, you know, the scent

of fresh hay and the sounds of horses and other animals. And you just see just like almost endless stalls. Give me a perception check actually real quick would love to would absolutely love to with my non-negative perception score now pretty oh 19 okay with a 19 there everyone's moving with purpose but it really you can i see one guy that's not moving with purpose? Yeah, you do. But he also looks like he knows what he's doing. You see a dwarf who's shoveling horse shit, and he looks like he's kind of just on his own time, but definitely has some wisdom to him.

Okay, so there's only one guy that looks pretty chill, so I'm going to go over and ask him a question or two. Yeah. Hey, what can I do you for? Hey, what is I do you for? Hey, what is going on? What is going on around here? Everybody's kind of a little chicken's head cut off.

You know what I'm talking about? Well, yeah. I mean, as you know, this is how it goes when we got the carriage delivery trials happening, you know. Yes, I do know. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of cool that you're not freaking out. It's like the one chance that people who don't work for the crown have a chance to get a job. That's at the level of the crown.

It's pretty cool. That is cool. And I did know that. But yeah, I mean, you know, they need some teams that they can depend on, people who are fast and tough and dependable. Okay. Yeah, you know, the winner gets the most important jobs, like driving the royal family.

So typically, you know, that's the cushiest job with the most pay so naturally everybody wants it which uh which team are you on oh um the team uh well i am i am a one man team of course and i do a spin to show but the other one is a 6. Okay. Oh, you don't have a team, do you? Shut up. Don't you tell me to shut up! And you just see rage go into his eyes when he catches himself.

I'm sorry. Listen, listen. I'm sorry about that outburst. I do think you should probably go check Stable 14. There was some weirdos in there saying that they were down a person. So you could probably ask them. Too bad I'm not a weirdo, but I will go check up on them. You have a piss on your head.

Yeah. You look and smell like piss. Ultimately, Chip ends up at Stable 14. And the first thing that you notice in Stable 14 is the carriage. This carriage is painted all black. And you recognize the sleek carriage design. This type of carriage is called a Dodge because of how easy it is to maneuver and how responsive it is to its horses. And oh boy, does it have horses

two enormous black horses are at the front they're clearly war horses better known as chargers so what you're looking at is an all black dodge charger and of course it has a huge chrome supercharged blower motor coming out of the top of the carriage and you don't know why but somehow it just makes sense dang all the tuna no crust the tuna no crust, thank you very much. You also see a team working and prepping this carriage. Knock, knock. Hey. Hello, weirdos.

My character was on a little rolly pad that was under the carriage. Love it. It comes out and is holding a wrench. Who the hell are you? Oh, I'm Chip O'Connor. Love it. She also wears combat boots that are super worn down. She has long, wavy, purpley-black hair and a constant scowl on her face. She has a chain around her neck with an X-charm attached to it from her love. Not a triple X? Triple X, yeah. You're right, you're right.

She's tough, she's confident, but something in her eyes melts a little every time she looks at the guy that she loves. She is known for her manic fighting, fearless driving Strong loyalty to her friends and family And most importantly Forgetting most of her past Can we help you? Well it seems like Maybe I can help you

This guy thinks He can help us Did somebody say us? And my character Comes on another thing, like wheelie thing from underneath the car. Yeah. An air genasi with blue eyes, bald as fuck. White tank top.

White tank top, undershirt, grease on my hands, and a glint in my eye that just says, the only thing that matters in life is family. And I go, hi, I'm Ben Letted. How do you do? And I shake your hand. Gross, but I am, hey, I'm Chip A, I mean, oh. Ben and Betty make out. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I gasped.

Oh, you forgot about me for so long. Oh, ah. I know, I know. As they're making out, I look around to see if there's a third person that maybe I can continue talking with as they make out. I'm touching his face. Would you two stop making out? Oh my!

And I come popping out of the hood. My name is Hoops and Shoots. But you can call me Hoops for short. I'm a blood hunter Mountain dwarf.

I got huge muscles, thick thighs, and the kindest eyes. I have huge glasses that make my eyes spin around. What? I love wheels. I'm a

Gemini. I got two different sides of me. I'm a Gemini. I got two different sides of me. Don't make me mad. Or I'll get mad. Gary. Hoops, was it? Hey, man, we don't really want to make any new friends today, so can you just get to what you're asking?

I don't have friends. I have family, okay? That's first and foremost. They all look at each other I have family. Okay. That's first and foremost. They all look at each other sort of like knowingly. That's kind of cool. Family guy. Yeah, I'm a family guy. You're a family guy.

Well, I don't mean to impose, but looking around, it seems like every other team around here is four people, and I only count one, a two, a three. Well, you're not going to replace who we've lost, okay? Before you ask. There's no way you could ever replace him. He's with us. Guys, come here. I know we lost Hansel.

R.I.P. I know we all wish he was here, but he's a stubborn son of a bitch and he's not. What if we just use this guy? I don't know. We definitely need a fourth. All right, but he's not family, all right? We're family. I know that.

You know that. Hoops knows that. They look back at Chip, who's finally seeing his hair in the chrome wheel reflection and noticing that it mostly just looks like there's piss on his head and that he doesn't look that blonde. You like that wheel, buddy? Yeah, I'm a fan of wheels.

Do you like wheels or anything? Holy cow. Oh, my God. He loves wheels. And Betty sort of shoves at his chest. I also push him against the wall. I can leave. I can leave.

I'm sorry. What would you leave now? Because you're in, all right? But you're never family. I may not remember anything, but I'm pretty sure these guys are my family. Oh, no. They're making out again. I think we got to go.

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. As y'all head out of the enormous stables and into the inner castle grounds, that's where you see dozens and dozens of carriages all lined up street race style on a starting line. Now, there's also kind of a larger crowd gathered to watch this go down. Just, you know, folks who are working the land around the castle or maybe have other jobs and are having a break. But there's a little bit of a crowd here.

Chip, when you look around you, you see to the left and to the right of you just like dozens of other carriages lined up and ready to go. And then out in front of you is a lone figure. And this figure kind of looks like Mr. potato head is the best way i could describe it just it's it's mostly just a head and then uh yeah arms legs coming out of it and uh they you hear from the whispers from the gang around you and everyone's like oh it's mr nobody mr nobody and he calls attention to all the racers there must be some enchantment on his voice because it goes across the entire field.

Welcome everyone to the test. Now this goes down when we're in need of a new royal carriage crew. Woo! Chip does the money dance and looks around and kind of is like sad.

He misses his team. What are you doing? This time around, there's only one opening. This test is a simple one. You are to retrieve a small wooden chest and bring it back here. Every crew has been given a map. The location of the chest has been indicated on your map. There is only one chest, which means there is only one winner.

The team to cross this line... Any points at the starting line? With the chest in hand, wins. Now, who's ready to race? Betty's, like, slamming the side of the carriage. Chip raises his hand. Ben is going honk, honk, honk. Making honk noises with his mouth.

Hoops is hanging off the side of the wheels. He's on wheel duty, obviously. The most important part of any carriage. I mean, I don't know about y'all, but in my crew, I'm usually the one that drives. I don't know about y'all, but in my crew, I'm usually the one that drives. I drive. Ben drives. He's the fastest guy in the whole wide place.

She forgot everything, but she still remembers that. That's the only thing I remember. All right. Well, how about we do something to decide whether or not I drive? Like what? That's a good question. I don't know. Maybe arm wrestle? All right.

Kill him, babe. I love you. All right. Give me an opposed strength check. All right. 19 plus one. Unnatural 20. Oh, 16 plus an opposed strength check. All right, 19 plus 1, unnatural 20. Oh, 16 plus 5, a 21. Whoa! So their arms are locked. We're talking biceps and the veins within them popping. Almost 4D experience here.

And just when you think Ben has Chip and his knuckles touching and causing a loss, Chip summons something deep inside him, brings it the other way, looks him dead in the eye, and slams it home. As he does so, his vest that he normally wears kind of tears a little bit, and it turns into a tank top. Perfect. Perfect. And then you hear Mr. Nobody yell. And then you hear Mr. Nobody yell.

All right, everyone, start your horses and get ready to not hold your horses. And he holds up a flag that's like a banner of Frasier. And that's like his starting flag, it looks like. Is that his underwear? Well, he's wearing like little booty shorts. And we get a beautiful shot of his his pert potato butt perfect i'm wondering if there's gonna be any butts in this there's gotta be on your marks get set go and all carriages blast forward and take off and all horses are going hard and chip when you become aware of how crazy this scenario is and where you found yourself you actually notice that everyone's racing towards the ward wall and it looks like okay unless

something changes in the next 100 yards we're all going to run straight into the castle wall, like a ward wall that separates these internal castle campus from the outside. And that's when you see a drawbridge actually go down and a portcullis come up that is a narrow, maybe enough for like two or three carriages. So it's huge, but like narrow, relatively speaking right now, as all of these dozens and dozens of carriages are careening towards it. What do y'all want to try to do? I'm going to try to do deception, I think it'll be. And I'm going to, while I'm on top of the carriage, get the attention of the other groups and point to something that is totally out of the way and go, look, a shortcut. Oh, I love that.

Very good. Very good. That's so good. Give me a deception check with that. 18. Betty yells that from the top and points, and a significant amount of these carriages, if they don't full-on take off for that shortcut and go like, oh, we're going to beat you there. Ha-ha, suckers.

They are at least distracted looking for it, where you guys are focused, eye on the prize, and you hit that tunnel, that portcullis that is the opening, separating the castle campus from the outside world, and you are out. You get off the drawbridge, almost as if it's like a ramp, and you are on your way.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Benny, that was so good! Yeah, you are in, like, the front section of the pack here. You see that there's a large hill ahead of you on your path. So there's, like, nothing very crazy about it, except for that's a pretty steep incline and pretty intense. And so there's carriages in front of you, and there's also a ton of carriages behind you.

My history is pretty good. I'd like to do a history check. 13 plus 4. 17 on the history check. You know what? This is funny. I'm going to say that you actually, with your history of the area, you actually do know a shortcut. Wow.

It's off to the right. It's a pretty narrow road that you're on, and it's going uphill. But off careening to the right, there is like an old, dustier path that's not the main road. That is a little bit overgrown in the entrance, but you know is there. And you can go ahead and direct them there. And you know that it's good and it's safe with that roll. I'm going to leap onto Chip's back, and I'm going to yell, right, right, right. Okay, guys, I'm kind of new to the crew.

This is fun. I got to admit, one of you lied about the shortcut, and I don't know. Is this another lie? I'm just trying to feel it out. Is this guy a wise guy? What are we doing? Chat deration. I'm just trying to figure out kind of what the vibe is.

What's the vibe here? The vibe is drive. The vibe is turn! Run! Run! Turn! I believe them, and I turn. It looks like you are about to slam into some trees,

but when you hit that foliage, there's really nothing behind it, and you are on a dusty road, and you all are moving quick. And you're weaving through on this path. I'm going to do a perception check so I can perceive and see if there's anything that's going to slow us down

with my racing acumen and everything and just being, you know... I narrowly lost the strength check. Probably should be the one because I have the rapport with everyone. Say no more. Yeah. Give me that perception check.

23. Wow. Okay. This would uh absolutely effed you but ben with uh with your character's knowledge here and with your acumen and your experience you see that there's a creek coming up uh and it's coming up quick and it's not something that's like a devastating amount and body of water. But for this Dodge Charger, if you just hit that straight on, you might lose a wheel. You know, this could be bad. But you do see off to the side, there is, with a 23, you see that there is a big mound of shapely dirt that could actually serve as a ramp if you were going fast enough. Can I do a sleight of hand to try to just yoink the reins from him? You don't want to tell him what's up?

You want him to think that he's driving and all of a sudden he's not? I'm sorry, but he's just not family yet. All right? We're just like not, like he's just not my family. All right? Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough.

So 15 plus five, unnatural 20. We got a dirty 20. So Chip, you don't even notice. He's still doing the rain thing and he looks down and he realizes it's spaghetti. He's like, what? What the heck? And I'm like putting a chef's hat back in my pocket. Why?

That's the end. That's the end. So funny. my pocket hey spaghetti slurper i need you to get this blue salt into both those chargers mouths. Now! Chip, you look down in your hand is two blue salt blocks. Okay, okay. Chip jumps from the carriage and like straddles the two horses. Zorro style. Zorro style. One leg on each horse and he's going to like bend forward

with half of the blue in each hand and like put it into each horse's mouth simultaneously. Give me either an athletics or an acrobatics check. I'm going to do an athletics check. Non-natural 20. Dirty 20. Those horses lick up that salt and you're starting to think this is not ordinary salt. And that is N-O-S, not ordinary salt.

That's NOS, baby. Horses just licked it up. And it has some magical quality to it. They're going for it. And they hit this ramp and you cruise over this stream that could have been a problem. And you are at X marks the spot. You almost come to a sliding burnout stop. You're almost drifting in this carriage.

And you see that there is a guard standing there, and there was what looked like a platform where a chest would be, and he just looks at you and goes very casually, You're in third. Oh, family! What? When the gnaws hit, I got blasted back, and I hit up against the carriage. And then when I

heard that we're third, I would like to also do a sleight of hand check to try and take the reins back. More spaghetti. A 17. Yeah, you sleight of hand those out of Ben and the reins are now in your hands. You're cruising back and you're making great time

and while you are, you see that there is really just two carriages ahead of you. And you're assuming that the one in the lead is the one that has the chest. And you need to get up to it, get onto it, and get that chest back onto yours all before you get back into that castle and across the finish line, which is approaching very quickly now. the finish line, which is approaching very quickly now. Betty looks down at Chip and looks at Hoops and looks at Chip and looks at Hoops and says, hey, Chip, you don't think that maybe you'd be able to throw hoops at one of those other carriages? Do you have any experience throwing anybody before?

Chip, he does a flashback and blasts through all the different times that he has thrown beef. What song is playing during that montage? He does a flashback and like blasts through all the different times that he has thrown beef. And then a tear comes. What song is playing during that montage? Jump by Van Halen. Go ahead and jump. As I'm in this flashback, I hear a message from beef calling me, prompting me to use my strength to help him. And I say, you too.

And then I throw hoops with the rope attached to him and I send him towards the carriage with the chest on it. Whee! Amazing. All right, give me a strength check. With advantage because beef and you have this connection that has happened to bolster each other. Okay, a 15.

And with a 15. And with a 15, Hoops gets thrown through the air. There's a lot of distance to cover. Hoops just barely catches on to the back of the carriage and his little, well, Hoops isn't little, but his, and Hoops' feet are dangling and kind of dragging on the ground. Ah, ooh, ah, ooh. Just kidding, I got this. Just kidding, just kidding. dangling and kind of dragging on the ground. Ah! Ah! Ah! Just kidding.

I got this. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. I got this. Hoops, you see through the back window of this carriage, or the back, like, yeah, back window of the carriage, you see a chest sitting out there with the person who's sitting next to it. Their attention is focused forward.

Bingo. person who's sitting next to it, their attention is focused forward. Bingo. I'm going to slowly approach the chest and put my little arm, not little, huge, huge arms around this chest. Hoops grabs the chest and then does a tug on the rope to let Chip know that they're ready to get pulled back. Tug, two tugs. And then I also yell, family is everything everything i recognize the two tugs as a signal

and i pull back you have to pull hard enough that hoops with a jump comes back safely okay a 16 you catch their hand just as about they were about to fall short and pull them back up onto the carriage just as the all black dodge charger hits the drawbridge comes through and comes across the finish line technically kind of in second place but all that matters is you got the chest baby and you are welcomed with screams and cheers and applause. All the people who are watching this race go down are going nuts and applauding. And the four of you dismount, get off the chest and dust it off.

And Chip, you walk and hand it to Mr. Nobody. I was going to give it to him, but then I look back at Hoops and Ben and Betty and I'd like all four of us to be holding the chess as we deliver it to Mr. Nobody. And I do say, it doesn't matter whether you win by an inch or a mile. Winning is winning. Mr. Nobody is kind of like standing there while you all like one person's holding it, then like two, then three. And they're like, no, come on.

And you too. And he's like, just OK. All right. Yes. All right. And he just kind of grabs it and he takes it from you guys. Great. All right.

We got a way to give it up for him. And as everyone's cheering, Mr. Nobody kind of nods to you and then takes the little box here and turns and hands it to someone else who just appeared on the scene, which is none other than Prince Milk Nip himself. So what does Milk Nip look like right now? Milk Nip is wearing leggings, like Prince leggings. You know, they're all black. He's wearing those like red, like elf shoes. You know, like the ones you see on Christmas elves that like have the tip. Do they the tip. Yes. There's a bell at the tip of each one, a golden bell, one on each. He has a codpiece, obviously. That's dark red silk. And he has another shirt similar to the one earlier.

It's a puffy shouldered shirt, but it's fully buttoned up the middle. And it's adorned in gold trim. And it's like a corset for a man, essentially. I love that every time you see him, he's in a different outfit, like Barbie. He changes like 15 times a day. So he definitely at least has a morning, midday, and late afternoon outfit minimum,

and yeah, we're seeing the midday right now. This is the first time Chip has ever seen Prince Milk Nip up close. You know, obviously he has feelings for Chalice and Milk Nip was supposed to marry Chalice at some point. So Chip starts to throw up in his mouth a bunch and keep swallowing it and it goes back and forth. And Milk Nip opens the object in which he returned. And Milk Nip opens the object in which he returned. And what he takes out is his little afternoon treat. It is a cupcake.

Are you f***ing serious? I saw a guy lose his arm back there. Is that chocolate? It's actually licorice flavored. It's black velvet. And this was an important mission, okay? Don't give me that. This meant something. I need to know who can bring me back my treats.

You're getting it all over your mouth. What? Most of it's leaving your mouth like Cookie Monster. Where? Where? All over you. Where is it? All over you.

It's in your hair. I need help. It almost seems like he doesn't have control over his fingers like he has no dexterity and his fingers are just kind of pushing against his face and smearing it did i get it no you're making it worse help me i'd like to grab him by the shirt and lift him up and grab the cupcake and shove it in his mouth. Face your head towards me. Stop moving around. How about now? No, stop.

I'm trying. You're not. You keep moving. Stay still. Turn my head yourself. I don't know how to do what you're asking. This is so humiliating that everyone's looking down at their feet. Yeah, no one is looking.

The crowd that was dancing and cheering, like the street racing crowd, is just silent and all looking down at their feet too. Ben, grab his head. Keep it still. Ben, grab his head. I don't want to. Why are his eyes rolling back? Grab it or you're dead. Oh, God. Do it. Oh, he just moan dead. Oh, God. Do it. Oh, he just moaned.

Deeper. Okay, okay, okay. It's on, it's on. It's in your mouth. It's in your mouth. Everyone's crying. Everyone's crying. I drop him to the ground.

I want another. I don't have another one. Can we be dismissed, please? Can we do the next test? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So thank you so much, Prince Milk Nip, for coming down. And I know you've got places to be. I think it's time for your

wardrobe change with the butler. So you can go ahead and be on your way. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Goodbye. I was so excited before that. We had just won something. That was horrible. Yeah, that was a crash.

Mr. Nobody kind of claps you all on the back and goes, All right, you four, you're in. Now get yourselves a drink and wash up. You've earned it. They'll guide you. Two Castleground employees kind of take you. And we're actually going to cut to, it's a back room of the stables that you actually

weren't even really, none of you were privy to before this because you only have a one day pass. This is the first time you're really even in the royal stables. But there's a back room there. And again, it's all wood and there's some hay on the floor, but it's very warm, very inviting. back room there, and again, it's all wood and there's some hay on the floor, but it's very warm, very inviting, and you're all in your own separate barrel of warm, soapy water, taking a nice

bath with a drink in your hand. I'm drinking an entire ice bucket full of Coronas. Yeah, I'm bathing in an ice bucket full of Coronas. And I have one of those really tall margaritas from the fair. Y'all were amazing back there. Us?

You? You were amazing. My God, you threw me so far and so fast. I was crazy. I've never been thrown like that before. He may be an O'Connor, but he's also a leaded. Whoa. I may not remember anything, but I do remember that leaded. Whoa. I may not remember anything

but I do remember that that's really important. And I go in for a handshake. Chip hears him say the thing about O'Connor and he feels bad. So as he approaches the handshake he like closes his fists and he's like, listen, I lied to you.

I lied to everybody. But that's what I do best. That's a quote from Festive Years. What? I'm not Chip O'Connor, okay? I'm not Chip O'Connor. I'm so sorry. I lied to you.

But who are you? I'm Chip Ahoy. I'm the guy that lied about doing the thing. You're the guy that did the thing. With the sword you cut. You lied about doing the thing. And the dragon burst my way. Yeah, that's who I am.

Oh my God, that's you? Yeah, yeah. And I'm not just here to get a job. I'm here. And I like look around. I'm here because I'm trying to save the princess. Princess Chalice. Betty takes a sip of her Corona.

We've all heard that before. No, no, no, no. No, like she likes me back. We actually talked about it. Sure, sure, buddy. In your dreams. Yeah, in my dreams, but also in real life. She's like one of my best friends in the entire world.

And I have the biggest of feelings for her. And I'm here and I'm going to save her. And I'm going to be the one that saves her. Not because she like needs saving, but I guess kind of right now she needs to be saved. But you know, like I, I just, I need to be the one that does it, you know? Give me a perception check real quick. Okay. 15. While you're telling them who you really are, you luckily noticed that Mr. Nobody is entering back into the stables. Definitely not someone you want to overhear your true intentions. All right, put on your new uniforms and get ready for your first mission.

We'll meet you outside. Yeah, we'll be right there, boss. We're just finishing our beer bath. Oh, yeah. So that's how this works, I guess. Now that you're part of the Royal Carriage crew, you just tell me when you break something. How about you get outside? They all roll their eyes and get dressed.

Yeah, Hoops trips out of the barrel. We're going to cut to all y'all. You're now in brand new uniforms that are all, well, they're uniform. And Mr. Nobody is briefing you. All right. But this time it's just you guys. And he's letting you know what the situation is. As you may have heard, we've been having some issue out on the roads and we've been having some issues with the cargo of ours going missing, falling off the carriage and getting ambushed.

I'm not going to say it's not dangerous, because it is, but it's a quick route. We just need you to go to this location I've pointed on your map, and pick up a shipment, bring it back. Alright? No questions asked.

I have a question, though. Betty's trying to push down his hand what's the question so when do we get to deliver the princess yeah everybody wants the cushy job right well you gotta earn your keep somehow it's a high paying job you work for the crown it's a rotation bub all right you guys pull this off then uh yeah maybe the next job will be a nice easy peasy walk in the park driving the king or whatever royal family member needs a ride chip's eyes go wide and then he starts to snicker and his shoulders go up and down but that means there can't be any screw-ups, all right?

That means you've got to come back and bring that shipment in one piece. And when I say one piece, that means the seal on the shipment isn't broken. It's a magical seal, so we'll know. And yeah, people have tried it before, and maybe that's why we needed a replacement. Because they're dead. We're not in the business of screwing up. I think we got it.

Thanks. And you guys are off on your first official pickup mission for the crown. Y'all are on the road. Chip is driving. And you've been having some light conversation. And now it's just the four of you, the open road. And it's going to be a short trip.

But on either side of you are, you know, it's just like thick woods on either side. Betty has her feet up on the dash. And she's drinking in Corona. And then she opens one and reaches one down to Hoops. Well, he's in the wheel sort of rotating. He wants a beer too. Hey, Chip. Yeah.

We've been thinking and we think it's pretty cool that you were honest with us. That was the right time to come clean and we're proud to have you on our team. I think Hansel would have been proud to have you here too. He was all about vulnerability. He was all about it it he would not stop talking about you kind of remind me of him a little bit oh really oh man that means so much i'm so famously a liar i'm so famously a liar that it just felt like i needed to be honest with y'all because y'all are helping me maybe accomplish like everything that i need right

now so i mean i just can't thank you enough and it's too bad that that hansel guy like left you or whatever betty sort of looks over at hoops and ben uh um well uh we weren't totally honest either about why we're here. You're stealing the princess? No. No, no. That's cliche. No. Oh, okay.

Okay, I just want to make sure we didn't. Okay, yeah, yeah, whatever you, I just want to make sure we weren't doing the same thing. So yeah, what's your thing? Let me just say this. Ahoy. Mind if I call you Ahoy? That's just Chip.

Actually Chip. Well, I'm dying. Okay, there we go. You're what? Yeah, we need this job because we gotta steal some money from the Crown to be able to pay for the medicine we need. It's called papoxin and really expensive. The Crown sort of, They keep it hostage. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Betty, I'm so sorry. I'll help you. Yeah, absolutely. Like, whatever. You guys are helping me. I'm helping you. Look, snowflakes.

It's getting worse. It's beautiful, but it's so sad. That's not all. I'm dying too. What? Hoops. Yeah. He's spinning around in the wheels.

Hoops. Just being splashed by beer every time it goes to the top. Delicious. That's awful. That was me coughing. Yeah, they're beautiful, but they're sad. But that's not it. What's not what?

That's not it, and you're never going to see this one coming. But I'm also sick. No! Yeah. From a light cold or the same thing um what do they have we all have the same thing it's spread by making out god hold on what about the other hansel don't tell me he also had the thing turned into a snowman and then he exploded turned into a snowman and exploded?

Yeah, and that's what all of our fates are. We don't steal the money from the crown. I just noticed Hoops has a carrot nose. Is that one of the signs? No. Nope, nope. That's nothing to do with it. Talk about my nose. And with that, you guys are actually pulling up to the facility.

And this facility, or at least, you know, which is the X on the map, you really don't see anything there besides more woods. But when you walk directly to where the X on the map is, you see that the side of one of the trees can actually be pushed in. And when it's pushed in, you can go downstairs. When you follow the stairs you go underground and it opens up into a large facility where there is a lot of action happening it you can tell that this is some sort of like alchemical factory uh there's a bunch of bubbling beakers people in like black leather aprons and gloves.

And they're definitely like either growing something or they're synthesizing something here. But you can also tell that that's all you get when you get a glimpse of like someone coming out of a door. And you can kind of see what was happening behind them. But you're kind of in like a front part of this alchemical facility. You're kind of in like a front part of this alchemical facility. Someone just looks at you as they grab a couple of crates, and they say, you're new. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, so we just got the job today, so thank you.

Congratulations. And then they drop a crate into pretty much each of your arms. All right. Well, you better get going. You don't want to be struck down on the road in the dark, especially wearing the colors of the crown. Struck down by, like, lightning or something? It's not even storming.

No. No. You know, there's those bushwhackers who've been, you know, ruining a bunch of cars and carriages and stealing it. They're coronas. They're coronas. They're coronas. That's what they're called.

They're called coronas. Mr. Nobody didn't tell us about them. What the heck? This is going to be so much harder now. I would, I definitely start hitting the road. All right, we load up the crates onto the carriage and we head back. And you're back on the road. All right, we load up the crates onto the carriage, and we head back. And you're back on the road. First, I want to play I Spy on the way back home.

Okay, Hoops, but don't say a bunch of boxes with magical stuff in it, okay? No, I was going to say, I Spy, a new family member. Oh, Hoops, that's so sweet. Me? It was an honor to meet you. If we die and explode, it was an honor to meet you. That's not going to happen, okay? That's not going to happen.

I'm going to do everything. We're going to return this. Y'all are going to get your job. I'm going to look the other way while you guys steal whatever you need so that you can make enough money to get the papoxin. I promise, okay? I promise. I scooch over a little bit and I cover my mouth and nose with my scarf. Okay.

What's your passive perception, Chip? Ten. Okay. You're kind of like just laughing and on your merry way on this carriage on the way back to the castle. Kind of taking it not too slow because obviously, you know, you've been warned, but you're having a good time. And it kind of you feel like the hardest part is over. And then an arrow comes into your personal space. Does a 17 hit?

It does not hit. Okay. So an arrow comes whirling towards you and sticks into the wood of the carriage right next to your head, Chip. Whoa! And when you snap to attention, you see a couple of highwaymen that blend into the surrounding woods by wearing big, round, green, ghillie-looking suits that make them look like giant limes. And you know that they are the ruiners of cars and carriages and known as coronas. Coronas. Coronas.

And so a couple coronas are exploding out of the foliage towards you guys. Chip, is there anything that you want to do chip is super excited he or he's well he's like scared but he's like excited because he's actually gonna use a spell on somebody because chip has spells because he's the eldritch knight so chip is going to use sleep and try and put one of them to sleep nighty night okay it works. One of them is immediately asleep. And while, Chip, you were doing that, a different car-rona, corona, did pop out at the last second and move a large obstacle in front of the carriage.

And the carriage is toppled over. Everyone is spilled out. And a wheel comes off of the carriage. There's a lot going on. Wait, not the wheel that Hoops is in, right? Not me, right? And you are... I need you to say it, man.

Surrounded by the three other Coronas. Different wheel. No, different wheel. Where am I? Oh, my God. Hoops, you just spun out of a wheel, and you are face-to-face with one of these Coronas. Luckily, because his eyes are always spinning,

he is not dizzy from getting thrown off. Nice. I agree. I agree. And that's why he can always be on the wheels, guys, because his eyes are always spinning, just like the wheels. Oh. Yeah, it's all coming together.

I knew that the whole time. I love that. I'll crossbow back. 16. Nice. That hits. Actually, right through the jugular of one of these Coronas, and they fall to the ground.

That's right. Does lime juice spray out? Yeah, lime juice definitely sprays out. Ah, I got squirted! I mean, never mind. No, you said it, Hoops. We all heard. The whole battle stops

and we all kind of laugh a little bit. And up next is Betty. Okay, Betty has a long sword and she's pissed. This is annoying. And she's gonna grab the wheel that came off and the long sword and go up to one of the guys

and knock him in the head and then stab him. 16. Betty hits him in the head with the wheel so hard and he kind of looks dazed for a second and he goes, I don't know who I am anymore. I forgot everything.

Join the club. Woo! And then a sword comes around and he is hound. Damn, that sucks. Oh my God. To forget everything and then die? Amazing.

And then up next, of course, is actually one of the Coronas who swipe at Betty. Does a 13 hit. Um, yeah. They dagger your calf. And it's a pretty bad piercing. It does 4 damage.

I won't even remember this. She lives away. And up next, of course, we got Ben Letted. I am going to attack them with my short sword, but I'm going to use my rogue sneak attack. I don't need to be rolling with advantage if they're within five feet of me.

So yeah, this is going to hit. All right, so 21 to hit. Oh, that hits, this little lime. 13 damage. Yeah, that ends them. So what does that look like? Kind of looks like this. They're looking at Betty and then

just one of their eyes just kind of like pops out and then there's a sword right there. And then it goes and then they fall off and I go, I love you, babe. And I help her back up. And it's sweet. I wonder if they make out.

I wonder, too. Yes. Yes. Of course they do. And I'm going to use my bonus action to make out. All right. Everybody else notices that one of the crates, when the carriage was knocked over, fell out onto the road in the crash and has burst open. Oh, no.

And, Chip, as you approach, they're all looking at it. And that crate, now that it's open, all of you immediately recognize this as papoxin. These were shipments for the crown of papoxin. These were shipments for the crown of papoxin, the very medicine that would save all y'all's lives. It's packed in with a bunch of hay and straw, but they are

thin vials, glass vials that are translucent and the liquid inside is this it's very golden and it has this warm glow to it. It is luminescent. Well, that's a freebie. I think we're good.

Well, no, but I, if I don't deliver this back, I'm not going to get the job and I'm not going to be able to save Chalice. Huh. Yeah, you might be on your own there, buddy. Yeah. No, no, you guys can still do your plan.

If we go deliver it, you'll get the job. You can do your original plan. This is sort of cutting out the middleman here. Yeah, this eliminates a lot of steps for us. Yeah, I get that, but it kind of totally defeats my thing we're just gonna ignore this miracle we're just gonna ignore it yeah you don't turn your back on family that's like a thing and i'm part of the family yeah what's your name mccoy i i'm chip and betty i excuse because of your whole amnesia thing ben you, you know me. Okay, you know me.

I am part of the family. And actually, Chip. Yeah. Why don't you give me, while this is happening, and you're kind of reading the situation, give me a perception check. 13. Okay, with a 13, Chip, you do notice that you're standing on one side of the one downed crate outside of the carriage,

but you are closest to the carriage, and if you took off running right now, and were able to lift the carriage in one fell swoop, slam that wheel back on, you could take off with most of the shipment.

Chip looks back at the carriage. He looks at these three. We cut to Chip, looking grim and determined as he guides the Dodge Charger back into the royal stables alone. No one looks that surprised that the carriage looks a little worse for wear like it saw some action and one horse is straight up missing and that three of your team members are missing it.

This must be a very dangerous job is what you're realizing. How'd it go? Bad. Bad. Really bad. Yeah, it usually does. Yeah. It's going to go even worse for you if you lost the ship. Oh. Really bad. Yeah, it usually does. Yeah.

It's going to go even worse for you if you lost the shipment. Oh, don't. You don't got to worry about old Chip O'Connor. All right? I deliver the goods, and I got it all. Even if it meant, well, they're dead. Here's the thing. They're dead.

They're dead. They died, here's the thing. They're dead. They're dead. They died. Yeah, I figured. Well, I'm still here and I did it. And I did good. I appreciate it, man. It can get something done. Yeah, you got a new badge.

Forget that daily pass badge you got. This is the badge worn by a royal carriage driver. He puts it on you i look down at it and i like give i do a smirk and then my shoulders go up and down as i snicker a little bit going and then there's some people grabbing the crates and uh one of them you know i could they're like a patrolman uh go the sail's been broken, sir. Yes, sorry, forgot to mention. Yes, we got into a little bit of trouble. We got hit by a couple Coronas. Sir, this isn't papaxin.

What? And so now why don't we go back about 10 minutes in real play time to see how things actually unfolded during our session. And if you took off running right now and were able to lift the carriage in one fell swoop, slam that wheel back on, you could take off with most of the shipment. Chip looks back at the carriage and he like, like, he looks at these three,

and obviously he wants to save Chalice, but these three are literally going to die if he doesn't let them escape with it. So he turns back. He's like, no, I can't do that. Guy, we have to figure something out. We have to figure something out. There's some way that we can both,

all four of us, win here. What if we take this, we trade it out, and we use our combined skills to give them fake stuff back? Yeah, we can take this papoxin and then give them the fake stuff, let them know about the altercation, and they won't be...

Oh, I already took mine. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so we're charging right ahead. Okay. Actually, that's okay. That's the only option. Yeah, no, that's okay. Go ahead and...

Yeah, I was going to die if I didn't take it. I just kind of needed to do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all three of you take yours. That's fine. We'll just figure... So we have an empty vial. Can I look around to see if there's something that we could use to replace it or something?

Yeah. Give me a perception check. All right. 17 plus 4, 21. Nice. Okay. With a 21, as you're looking in, it's gotten very dark, and the stars are a-glowing. And it looks like some of the stars are kind of moving around in a lazy way, but that doesn't make sense.

And of course, they never would. Those are big ass lightning bugs or fireflies with nice big butts on them that are also golden bioluminescent. Can we squeeze their butt juices? Let's squeeze their butt juices. We can squeeze their butt juices. I think a combination of that, pee, and coronas is going to get us there. But I don't have to pee. Does anybody have any pee?

Maybe. They all turn and look at Chip. Because they've been smelling him all day. Pretending maybe someone else will. Chip looks down at his bladder. And there's like an x-ray, cartoonish, where it's empty. But then he's like, oh, no. And then he looks up and he realizes his hair is still dripping wet.

And the x-ray is over his his brain and his brain is also empty. His hair's sopping wet with piss. We empty the vials into our Corona bottles that we were drinking earlier for future treatments. And then we see a montage of us squeezing, squeezing the lightning bugs butts. We squeeze a little bit of the lime juice and then Chip is squeezing tufts of his hair and ringing out the pee into the vials. Okay, cool. And yeah, just for context, that is enough papoxin to help or cure about eight people with daily doses over the recommended amount of time to take them. So not only are these three safe, but potentially five more people or their friends or people

who can't afford it. Definitely a good thing happening here. You did slaughter a couple people who were also just trying to make some money on the highway in maybe the most gruesome way so far in this entire campaign, but we don't need to think about that. So you guys are on the way back to the castle. It is fully dark out now at this point. And really, you're not too far away.

So is there anything that you want to do before you're going to try to pull this off, this little scheme? Listen, I appreciate everything you guys have done, but I think y'all have got to go. I think y'all have got to go. I think y'all have got to go. I'll tell them you're dead and you guys go and live out your lives and be happy and be alive. What?

No. Remember, man? We're family. I remember. I remember we're family. Oh, my God. She never remembers. And I never forget, okay?

And I'll never forget this moment between the four of us and today and you know maybe down the line you guys can come back to come to my bar and we can hang out that could be a good time but for now i think you have a bar probably safest yeah i'm like a yeah i'm like a bouncer at this bar i just helped buy it back tom foolery helped us it's called bottoms up yeah oh my god that's our bar man that. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's our bar, man. Yeah, we come there all the time. Yeah. Is there a different bar named Bottoms Up? That's a common name for a bar.

I haven't seen you there. The one next to the funeral house? Yes. Kryptonite. Yes. No. Three doors down. Yeah.

Really? Okay. Well, maybe it's just one of those things where I've never noticed you, and now that I know you, I'll notice you. Cool. All right. Well, I'll's just one of those things where I've never noticed you, and now that I know you, I'll notice you. Cool. All right. Well, I'll see you there. Maybe. Yeah. That's nice of you, man.

Betty takes her XXX necklace off and puts it around his neck and then touches it to his chest. Oops. He goes over to Chip and hugs his leg, and he looks up and he says, You're more than just family. You're royal family to us. You're a king.

Well, you're more than family to me, too. You're Wheels, man. You're Wheels. That should be your new name. No oh screw hoops and shoots i'm wheels ben does one of those handshake like side hug things that uh the cool guys get to do i whisper i in your ear it's been a long day without you, my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. Oh.

Cha-cha. Oh. And they're backing up while they're doing this. Oh. Chip waves. You guys were on the back of just one of the chargers and the road forks. So Chip continues towards the castle on the left. And the three of you let the reins fall off of the dodge.

And now it's the three of you on this enormous black charger taking the right side of the fork of the road. That's great. Family! Chip's in tears. Chip's bawling. And so we know that Chip ultimately composes himself, enters the royal stables, and delivers the swapped goods as planned.

So let's catch back up to where we were. Sir, this isn't papoxen. What? I uncork one to test it like we always do. It tastes more like piss, hairy piss, and bug ass, and Corona juice. If I had to take a wild guess, it also smells horrible. Chip is so impressed by the guess. Yeah, he can't even be mad at that.

Yeah, wow. Outstanding guess. Yeah. That guy wanted to go into wine tasting for sure. He wanted to be a sommelier. Yeah, that's Somm level. Damn. Yeah, dude, you got it.

I mean, seize him. Grab him. While Chip's appreciating just how amazing the talent of that man's palate is, feels the icy grip of patrolmen, maybe eight of them, just all grabbing at different parts of his body, forcing him to his knees. The last thing he sees is Mr. Nobody's perfect ass before a bag is placed over his head and everything goes dark. And Chip, when you ultimately regain consciousness, it's hard to tell that you have because everything is still pitch black.

You panic for a second, assuming that you've gone blind, until you feel burlap against your cheek. You realize a bag has been placed over your head and your hands are tied. You realize all of this in just a single moment, but that's not all. You realize that you awoke because of a smell. You feel hot breath inches away from your face. because of a smell. You feel hot breath inches away from your face. It reeks of something terrifyingly evil that makes your stomach just drop like a stone. It smells like sickly, sweet, rotten fish. It smells like death itself. We'll see you next time. I worked out the story concept. Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And we were joined by the wickedly talented Jesse Kendall playing Prince Milk Nip. Stay tuned for more of him this season and check him out on Instagram at Jesse underscore Kendall. Kendall spelled K-E-N-D-A-L-L. Jesse spelled J-E-S-S-E.

And I swear on everything I hold dear in this world that you will not be disappointed. Y'all, I gotta tell ya, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 70 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is vibe an hour discussing online negativity,

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get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by our very own Malik Mansour. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.