SitcomD&D - S4 E6: Buster Crawl

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Bottoms Up is BACK! But when the grand reopening is continually interrupted by former Chuck E. Busters employee and band leader, Gepetto Pinocchio, the gang will have to venture deep into the dungeons of the Adventure Zone in order to stop him. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsFeaturing: Jesse Kendall & Hailey PalmerTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Elizabeth today told me that I should watch Penguins of Madagascar because it's actually really, really good. I've never seen it. I've seen the first Madagascar, and I can't imagine that it ages well comedically. Not in terms of it being inappropriate. I just feel like the jokes probably aren't that funny. Okay, and Waleed, I respect what you're saying,

and I'm going to fully decline it. I'm coming over to your house. Are you going to tell me when? No. Nope. No, I'm coming over to your house, 8 a.m. We're going to put this on. The jokes per minute, insane.

For penguins of Madagascar. Yes. And the things they say are hilarious. How they say it is so funny. But I swear to God, my dad's going to be so excited that we're talking about this movie. Hi, Mr. Elizabeth. He's always jonesing to turn it on. Hi, Mr. Elizabeth.

Hi, Mr. Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. We've got a lot going on this season, so we're going to do a little previously on Sitcom D&D. Last episode, after finding out that y'all had been cursed and the stakes of this curse being that if Chalice doesn't rejoin the royal

family and do their bidding and agree to do so by the end of the season, then y'all die, every single one of you. So you went to the one place to get some more info on this and seek the validity of this curse from Tangerine Protumbrance. It hasn't always been the most honest with you in the past. And you went to the library and met the tree, Chris Ovens. And ultimately, after helping Chris, you got some insight as to what you need to do in order to break this curse. Have a family member who loves you spill their blood willingly on the last day of the season at sunset. No easy feat.

The gang's a little down in the dumps, but what gets them out of the dumps? Getting back to their beloved bottoms up. We back, baby. We're going to pick up on its grand reopening. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice!

When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

So, to get back into the swing of things, we are going to slowly zoom in from across the street on Bottoms Up. There's some hustle and bustle and the sound builds as we get closer to Bottoms Up. In fact, someone who's already been probably pretty over-served flies out of a window. The grand reopening is already well underway. Bottoms Up may have never never ever been this packed before. It is a joyous occasion. We have got all the regulars like regular Joe himself is at the bar in his usual stool that he brings from home. The choreographer is there enjoying some beverages.

Tom foolery is going around the bar. It seems like he might even be taking orders. He's got a rag over his arm. Pretty much all of our favorites. They're here and they're having a good time. Everyone's got a smile on their face. What are the rest of the gang doing here on this momentous occasion?

Beef is helping Chalice polish all of their glass menageries. And they just finished throwing someone through a window because he tried to touch them. Chalice is cleaning the glass and then also sort of narrowing her eyes at the portrait where she's farting. She's like, how did that get back up there? Seb is in one of those inflatable hamster balls

and I'm just running on top of the entire crowd of people and they're kind of holding me up like I'm at an EDM concert. Chip is heavily nailing the portrait of Chalice Farting to the wall so that it never, ever goes anywhere ever for the rest of this show. And that's canon. And you can't do anything about it. And we'll see. Yeah, there's nothing you can do actually about it.

And we'll actually see. I guess we'll have only time we'll see. And Jennifer is making her rounds and actually walks up on the stage, hops up onto a stool and screams to get everyone's attention. Okay, everybody, quiet down. Quiet down. Thank you. Thank you.

Um, man, it's good to be back. Woo! And it's good to be back. So I just really wanted to raise a toast because it was hard getting this place back. And it took a lot of hard work from a lot of people, especially these four. I'm talking about Francisco, Scooby Dooby Ratatouille, Glinda, and Pisser. What? She said our names so wrong.

She said our names weird. Four hardest working kitchen rats I know. She's talking about rats. And those four rats come up, and Jennifer made them little homemade metals that she puts on them. And it seems like they are crowd favorites. People love these four. But also, I'd be remiss if I didn't welcome up on stage Sub, Chalice, Beef, and Chip. Come on up, guys.

All right, I Bowie knife and I birth myself in the giant inflatable hamster wheel. Chalice throws Beef up onto the stage and then rolls onto the stage herself. Whoa. Chip goes too. And everyone's cheersing and yay from the crowd. And we're getting them all riled up. Yeah, hand us that baby.

Give me that baby. They pass up a baby and we kiss it and we hand it back and the baby crowd serves back to them. We can't tell if it went back to the right parent, but that's okay. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And also while this cheering is going,

you start to hear a chant, which is speech, speech, speech, speech. Chalice steps forward and then points to Seb. Seb clears his throat. And then points to Chip. Chip backs up to the audience as if he's going to do a fun spin reveal and then rips one and then points to Beef. Beef says, P.U.

Now that that's all over with let's what what the what no it's like faint no no no no no no no no no no it's season four we're dancing as we're saying no oh no it's like coming from the vents or something. What is that? Stop it. We fixed this. Stop. What is this? What is this? F*** is right. What is happening?

Oh, my God. Okay. Okay, I get it. I get it. I get it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Son of a bitch. No! Um, we're sorry. Oh my God. Oh my God. Son of a bitch. No! Cha-cha. Um, we're sorry. I'm sure that won't happen again.

Sort of maybe a group hallucination. Oh, they didn't hear it. Yeah. That was just in our heads. It was a nightmare. Oh, we heard that. You heard the Chucky Buster song. It was like a minute and a half long.

Huh. Huh. Oh, no. Okay, well, let's just pretend like it didn't happen. Let's just do a toast to the bar. Bottoms up. Welcome back. We might die later this season, or I have to quit.

The f***. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're going to die. We don't have time for this. Okay. Very funny. Very funny prank. Who's We don't have time for this. Okay. Very funny.

Very funny prank. Who's doing this? I'm doing it. And you hear a voice that sounds like it's echoing from the vents. That's right, motherfuckers. You forgot about me, huh? You forgot about my band? Well, I'm not going to let you forget about my band.

Poor me. Who is this? It's Geppetto Pinocchio. Sam, how dare you? It's Geppetto Pinocchio. Quit stomping on my feet. I would never forget you, Geppetto. You know that. You liking me disgusts me.

Hey, man, we actually can't deal with this right now, Geppetto. You lost. We won fair and square. We have bigger things to worry about. We can actually deal with this right now, Geppetto. You lost. We won fair and square. We have bigger things to worry about. We can actually deal with this right now. F*** you. You're dealing with it. You thought you could just kick us to the curb, leave us in the street, huh?

No. We're the band. And you're going to f***ing listen to this song until your ears... You guys got anything? Bleed. Shit, don't help him out. God damn it, that came from the idiot. Geppetto, you know what?

We actually have a new thing going on this season. We've been cursed, or I have to... Oh my God! Okay. Kill this guy! Okay, all right, all right, all right. Oh my God, we're gonna die to this song. I'm gonna die to this song.

And stop! Okay. All right, all right, all right. Oh, my God. We're going to die to this song. I'm going to die to this song. And stop. I can start and stop that song any time that I want. Do you understand me? So good luck having a business with this going on. It's that time again. I'm not even going to say anything. And stop.

Luckily, it's a certified jam. Sean, can I roll for intimidation to threaten this guy? Let him know that we're going to come over and turn him to dust if he plays the song one more time? Sure. Give me an intimidation roll. Oh, nine. Never mind. No, no, no. You've got to commit.

Hey. Knock it off, you bully. What was that? Nothing. Oh, he didn't even hear you. Are you bully. What was that? Nothing. Oh, he didn't even hear you. Are you trying to intimidate me? No. Listen, listen, I'm friends with these guys.

These guys love me. You're friends with them? Are they friends with you? I wouldn't be caught dead being friends with you. Wow. Maybe, maybe you just go find another Chucky Busters. There's got to be a bunch of them still. We didn't shut them all down.

Go to a different one. There was a bunch of franchises. This isn't even a Chucky Busters anymore. The song makes no sense as much as I love it. The song makes no sense, huh? The song makes no sense. The song is the most requested

song in all of Chucky Busters. Yeah, but this isn't a Chucky Busters. Yeah. Okay, you know what? Let's come talk it out in person. Let me just go see where you are. Where are you? Yeah, why don't you come talk it out in person. Let me just go see where you are. Where are you? Yeah, why don't you come talk it out? It's going to be pretty tough to talk it out with my ass in your mouth.

What? Did he mean to say it like that? I love this guy. Some people would find that as a pleasure. That is true. That's what I'm saying. Good point, Beef. Yeah.

You know where to find me, motherfucker? I'm down deep in the adventure zone patent pending ages six to nine come get some wussy boy he called you a wussy boy wow i know and it made me miss him more i don't know where his voice is coming from this is supposed to be a party not a dungeon crawl guys i don't want to do this i don't want to go back down there it's the set we already did it we already know all the secrets this This is going to be easy. We'll do the thing where we freeze and then we go up the water fountain or whatever. What happened?

Can we make it a drinking game? And can everyone come? Sweetie, that's an incredible idea. Thanks. And she's sort of like straightening out his collar. That is such a good idea. All four of us will go and then we'll also bring everybody else that's in the bar. And they'll just like silently watch.

Yes. Ooh. You heard it, everybody. like silently watch. Yes. Ooh. You heard it everybody. Everybody stand up. Grab your drinks. Grab onto your babies. That baby's been floating around for a while so someone claim that baby. Let's go. And you just hear a unanimous pass all at

once. Interesting. Except for Tomfoolery's there and Jennifer on Tomfoolery's shoulder looked very eager to join. Interesting. Except for Tomfoolery's there, and Jennifer, on Tomfoolery's shoulder, looked very eager to join. Pass. Okay, come on, Tom. Come on, Tom. Jennifer, let's go. Come on, come on. I just want to say, as we, you know,

walk down the stairs to the cellar here, the best business deal I've ever made in my life was selling back bottoms up to you in exchange for getting to work here 24-7! Well, not really 24-7, but I live here now, too, which is sick.

It's so cool to be a part of this. Yeah, yeah. You're not officially, you're not one of the five. Yeah, are you cursed? Yeah, are you cursed? That's part of it. It's not a total prerequisite, but yeah, you're not even, you're not cursed. Yeah.

Neither are you. You guys get down to the cellar, and there's still a bunch of Chucky Buster's random shit down there like there was before. And there's also that lever there with a sign above it that says, do not pull. I pull it. Okay. The floor immediately disappears beneath you all, and you are falling fast in total darkness. Beef. Feather fall. Feather fall, thief!

What? Huh? Oh, yeah! I'm going to cast Feather Fall on five of the friends. Jennifer's probably hanging on to somebody, so she's okay. And then I'm going to yell Pickle. Pickle! And I get my cape, my cool cape. All right, I think that's got everyone accounted for. Also, if you remember from last time,

Chip didn't get feather falled, but still this is the adventure zone. It's built so that once you get to the bottom, you're just floating an inch off the ground, no matter what. It's built for kids, guys. You're safe. Oh, so I just-

You just wasted a spell slot. You just wasted a spell slot. Yeah. Free. But let's see how well you guys remember the dungeon from last time because that's how this is going to start. Okay. Free. But let's see how well you guys remember the dungeon from last time, because that's how this is going to start.

Okay. When you look around the room, you do see there are torches there that you can take off the wall. Yep. Take the torch, put in the hole. Do you have a gold piece? Take a gold coin, put it in the thing, melt it, turns into a key. I remember.

I remember. Thank God you're here. I have no memory. Never happened. Where are we? Okay. Eye on no memory. It's never happened. Where are we? Okay. Eye on the prize. Okay.

And so on and off, you kind of hear the Chucky Buster's song playing at like a low volume in the distance. And it's kind of like a compass or North Star guiding you into the general direction of where Geppetto, Pinocchio, and the band probably are within this labyrinth of the Adventure Zone dungeon.

But Chip, if I understand you correctly, you're doing what you did last time. You're putting the torch into the slot that says, always hungry, never thirsting, breathing without lungs. When I'm stoked, my joy is bursting, dancing without songs, and placing a gold piece in the open key shape. Whose gold piece is being used? I look over at Tom. Tom.

Oh, Tom. Yeah, I'll say Tom. Definitely Tom. Well, you guys haven't necessarily paid me yet. You said you pay bimonthly, which I didn't know if that meant twice a month or every other month, but it's been three months, so I don't know what to think. Chalice is rummaging in her pockets because she took basically everything that she could pick pocket from the castle on her

way out. So she grabbed like candlesticks and little like pocket change. Nice. Let's see. And she takes a gold coin out of her pocket. Cool. That melts down into a key shape. We cut forward in time until it's quite cool. And you can use it to unlock the lavish lock and get into the

next room. And when you're in the next room, what you see is an enormous fountain. Remember? Nope. Which is billowing water. And at the bottom, there's grates. Chels, you did such a good job. Don't you remember? You like froze us halfway.

And then you made a tunnel that we had to breathe through. But if you swallow the water, you have to tell the truth she's blinking you guys it's so fun i would come down here at nighttime sometimes last season you guys didn't play down here no you were playing without me yeah i mean sometimes i guess i play with myself what'd you bring down here no i used to play with myself a lot and i'm hoping maybe this season I'll play with myself. Babe, babe, babe. Yeah? Man, you know that sounds worse.

I play with myself too, but normally when it's... Thank God. Thank God it's me. So what do we do? I will say, last time we were down here all together, I made an idea that we didn't use that I thought would be cool. What was it?

I thought maybe we could like plug up the grate and then it would fill with water and we'd like float up to the top and all swim together. Let's do it. I'm gonna ask a question. Does anyone not know how to swim before we do this? I don't know how to swim. Why did I say that? Oh, I drank some. Oh

God. Jennifer, you were gonna lie and say you could swim and then we were gonna do that? That's so dangerous. I will do anything to fit in. Oh, my God. Why did I say that? Also, Jennifer, you swam to save the day like three episodes ago. Not well.

I was in someone's mouth most of the time. Oh, yeah. Okay. That is true. Let's try your plan, Chip. Let's plug it up and swim to the top. We do that. Well, how are you guys going to plug it up?

Can someone... We do that. Okay. So I am going to shape water and freeze the water over the grate to stop it up. Okay. And it does just that. The water around the grate freezes, allowing no other water to go down. And as the fountain continues to flow, the water starts to fill up, and those who can swim are staying towards the top. I put Jennifer on top of my head. We didn't even confirm with Tom if he could swim. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom, you doing okay? Tom can't swim! Tom can't swim!

Beef goes into when he was a lifeguard for a summer after Blacksmith's summer. That sounds fun. Yeah. I unlocked a new summer internship and he swims over there and he gets Tom's head out of the water. Can the rest of us who can swim well, can we like be doing a synchronized swimming routine? Get out of my head, Willie. Okay. I was thinking the same thing.

It could be fun. Those little pink nose plugs and like the flower shower caps. Yes. And we could do it to the song. It's that time again. We like it this time. Yay. And with that, with the water overflowing the top, you guys pull yourself out like as

if it was like the side of a pool and the door on the other side is unlocked and you find yourself in a room that may or may not be familiar to you guys depending on how good your memory is. It is a foggy room. Well, I think I'm having this idea for the first time.

I know I haven't been here before. I'm gonna use gust. That is what you did last time. That's okay. Yeah. What'd you say? Nothing. Nothing.

So I'm just going to get the smoke out of his room? So I cast Gust. It blows all the fog away, and it reveals three doors. And you know that last time you did take door number two, but you're wondering, okay, well, where the heck is Geppetto Pinocchio and the band? They are playing their song about every 30 minutes. Sometimes they're playing it more to mess with you, but they are nothing but militaristically determined to play every half hour on the half hour. So we wait until we hear it and we go

through that door, right? Yeah. Yeah, so flash forward 17 minutes later and... We were playing cards that whole time. Yeah, I was going to say we were crisscross applesauce. Chip was losing bad. It looks like I won this one. I don't think you said the rules right. Oh, here it is, here it is. Oh, we're going to miss it, we're going to miss it, we're going to miss it.

Give me investigation or perception. 17. 19. 14, so yeah, 19. All right, so with a 19 um you're pretty pretty pretty sure

it would be door number one a new door you haven't explored yet all right well let's go through door number one if I hear this song

one more time I think I'm about to become a madman and beep turns around and his eyes are looking wild and weird

he's like do I look normal or do I look normal? Or do I feel crazy? Uh-oh, he means it. Your goat eyes. Doesn't he always have those goat eyes? I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be rude here. I don't remember. And you're having that conversation as you guys walk through the door for door number one. So the door to the most left of this dungeon room. And when you get through it, again, as is the fashion, the door slams closed behind you. A portcullis slams down behind that. There's no going back the way you came.

And you find yourself in a new environment. Again, it still has a dungeon vibe. But does anyone want to give me a perception check here? I got it. 15, please. Okay. With a 15, as you move a little bit about the space, you feel like this hallway is endless, but it kind of dawns on you pretty quickly

that it's because it is rounded. Think of it like in Thor Ragnarok when they're in that little dungeon space that is essentially endless because it's just going around in a circle. So that's the vibe of this little spot here. You also notice there are a bunch of holes. Holes about hip height in the middle pillar that this whole room revolves around. Hip holes. Hip holes. How big are the hip high holes? Oh, there's probably a foot between each hole, and the holes themselves are about, like, eight inches in diameter.

Oh, wow. Big holes. Huge holes. What happens if I reach my hand in the hole? Why don't you try and find out? Chip confidently shoves his hand into a hole. Jennifer starts screaming. Ah!

Ah! Nothing happens. Oh. Oh. I thought it, like, reached through and punched Jennifer in the face from another hole. I thought that's what happened, too. What do I feel, though? You don't feel anything. It feels like an empty stone space.

Is there an end to it? There is not an end that you can feel. Can I crawl? It's eight inches in diameter. Jennifer can. I could. Someone as petite as me. All right, I'll save you some time so you don't have to crawl so much.

And I take Jennifer and I throw her as far down the hole as I possibly can. Whee! Not just a beef thing. Oh, sorry. Beef. I should have asked if that was okay. Yeah, you should have. And his arms are kind of crossed.

Jennifer's head pops out. I would say it's like four feet deep. Oh, okay. Not that far. So you probably splatted at the end of it. Did I slam you against the wall? Yeah, what was at the end of it, Jenny? More wall.

Oh. Can I investigate to see how many holes there are? Yes. Give me an investigation check. 16. With a 16, as you investigate, you notice a couple things. Chalice, you decide to count how many holes there are around the cylinder. And there are 60.

And you notice that there are actually small Roman numerals scratched into different areas. Spread out. One all the way up to twelve. Like equally distributed? Mm-hmm. So it's like a clock? Oh, I guess you could say that. And there's sixty? Sixty minutes. So as, actually, Chalice, you were investigating and you were taking all this in, on the last

hole that you look in, you actually hear a voice from inside. Oh, hello! Oh my god, you! From before! Yes! voice from inside. Oh, hello. Oh my God, you from before. Yes. Blarney Stone Stinson? You're way smaller. Yes, I am.

I've been getting so frustrated down here because time is stuck. What? Time is stuck? Yes. I feel like I've been down here nigh on 60,000 years, it feels like. That sounds stressful. Yeah. Sorry.

I don't know if that's our fault. You have to promise that you guys are real and you're not more of my imaginary friends. Are your imaginary friends promising that they're real? Yes, they are. Oh, that's so sad. Oh, yeah. I've fallen for those before, yeah. Okay, first off, if you are real, I'm so sorry, but time is stuck here.

Look. And he brings up his time piece and it's stuck at exactly three o'clock. But to be sure, I'm going to have you talk with my other imaginary friends. Shorty, Skinny, and Longo. And he points over and there are huge spears in the corner.

Okay. Whoa. Chalice, to try to sort of be kind to Blarney, goes up to them and goes, How do you do? Pleasure to make your acquaintance. Yeah, you look like a couple, a trio of nice, real guys. Yeah, you look very friendly. And definitely, I'm going to pick you up and use you as a solution to this thing.

Maybe. Or what do you say to what he just said? Oh, God, they're not f***ing real, are they? Yeah, yeah. They're not sentient. They're sticks with pointy ends. Yeah, they're just sticks with pointy ends. So I want to take the short one and put it in a hole.

Like, since it stopped at three o'clock, I'm going to point it at 3 o'clock. Smart. Okay. So there is a Roman numeral that says 3 over one of the holes. Stick it. Yeah, I put it in that hole. You hear some grumbling. It felt like that was a good response. Oh, I thought it was my belly. Can I take the long

one and put it in the 12? Yeah, man. Go for it. And so when Seb does that, there's a rumbling. And all that's left is skinny. Anybody want to do skinny? Beef? Beef?

You want to do skinny? I mean, only if Chalice wants to do it with me. Okay, then great. Oh, cool. You do? Yeah.

Nice. All right, let's do it. And they both don't really know where it goes and they're pretending to be polite. Yeah, yeah. You go. No, you do? Yeah. Nice. All right, let's do it. And they both don't really know where it goes, and they're pretending to be polite. Yeah, yeah. You go. No, you, you, you.

Seb's trying to tell them, and I'm like, Seb, don't. No one help us. We know exactly where this is going. Yeah, I know you know. Chalice. We should put it at the 12 again as a joke. As a joke. As a joke.

As a joke. Oh, really good one. You notice that there is a slightly even smaller option under this hole as well. And the skinny one slides into the 12 skinny hole slot. And it unlocks the rest of the room. Give me a perception check. Oh, my God. We are right.

They look at each other like, oh, my God. Can you believe that? 14. 17. 18. Okay, cool. All right. They look at each other like, oh, my God, can you believe this? 14. 17. 18. Okay, cool. You all actually see stones that were previously making up this endless corridor move back away from you and reveal the way out.

Oh, my God. Okay, well, it looks like I'm free. I'm coming with you all. Oh. Pass. Yeah, pass. Yeah, pass. Yeah, you're not really one of the six, you know?

Six? What is going on? Keep quiet. You can get in my pocket. Just don't try to be a part of this. God, I never wanted to be a part of you guys ever. And he gets even a little bit smaller and then fits perfectly in Tom's pocket. And you guys head out of the room and you're into a new room. But the room that you just came from is no longer accessible because that wall moves back into place.

And that is just a stone wall. Where's Jennifer? I'm right here. Oh, thank God. I thought you were in the other room still. Damn, you wouldn't miss me. No, you have my keys. Oh. to miss me. No, you have my keys.

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look around, you see that you're actually in a prison cell, like a dungeon cell. And there looks like there's a door on it that has a keyhole on the other side. I open the door. Done. Okay. You go to open the door, and it is locked.

But you rattling that door awakens something, and it stretches, and its shadow looms big in this dimly torch-lit cell, and it looks enormous and hairy and athletic. And when it steps into the light, it's a kitten It's out of your reach right now because you guys are behind the bars It's on the other side and it has a collar that may or may not have a big key hanging from it There's a key on its collar

Come here kitty cat kitty cat. It's just looking so cute at you. Kitty cat. But it doesn't really know what to make of you. Kitty cat. And looks a little bit scared. Can I use suggestion on animals? Read that spell description. I'm looking into it.

I got speak with animals. Yeah, we should do that. Yeah, do that. That makes more sense. All right, you gain the ability to comprehend and verbally communicate with beasts for a duration. Cool. I'm going to do that. That makes more sense. All right, you gain the ability to comprehend and verbally communicate with beasts for a duration. Cool. I'm going to cast that.

Hey, kitty. Huh? You can understand me? I can do more than just understand. I can communicate back. We can understand each other. Isn't that lovely? I'm a baby.

You are a baby. Come close to me, baby. What do you think they're saying to each other? I think Seb said something like, come close to me, baby. What do you think they're saying to each other? I think Seb said something like, come close to me, baby. That's kind of the vibe I saw him give out. Weird. Come on, baby. I will give you infinity milk and infinity little, little tummy scratches.

My mom said not to go strangers who said give me a little bit of milk. Why don't we just have Jennifer run and go grab the key from its collar? Fight the kitten? Are you kidding me, Chip? You want me to go solo against the cat? It's a kitten. It's a baby.

Oh, my God. Seb, keep trying. Um, hey, baby. I think it would be really cool if you came just close just so we don't have to be strangers anymore, okay? So, like, I can introduce myself and our friends. Seb, I don't know what you're saying, but it's getting creepy. I know.

I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. Yeah, roll persuasion with disadvantage. Oh, I'm sweating bullets right now. This is hard. Okay, plus zero, so that is four. Okay. The little baby kitten looks kind of scared

and starts to kind of slink off back into the darkness of the corridor. Seb, why don't you turn into a cat and go get the key? I'm worried that'll be even creepier at this point. Yeah, I think we're going to tag Seb out. Yes. Tag him out. All right. Really think we're going to tag Seb out. Yes. Tag him out. All right. Really good try.

Really good try. Love you, Seb. I think I can do suggestion on an animal. Oh, hell yeah. You suggest a course of activity and magically influence a creature you can see within range and can hear and understand you. So do you think the cat would understand what I mean? You could probably just do a wave, maybe.

Yeah. I'm going to do a little, like, come here, kid. Cats understand waves. That's fair. Everyone responds. To get my cat to come in growing up from outside, we go. So I'm going to do that. Okay, great.

That got Lou to come over to me. Hey, you know what? Lou was the swing vote there, and that means that this works in our little kitten. And little kitten approaches the cell and is, like, looking for a pet or a scratch behind the ears oh good baby kitten chalice grabs it and gets the key off the last part of that was yeah that was a less nice than the first part yeah can we keep it sean can we keep it please We all turn to the DM. In the sky. If you think you can be responsible for it. We promise we'll take care of it. We promise.

You don't even have to, like, describe taking care of it. Plus, you don't have to walk a cat, and you can completely forget about a cat, and it figures out how to stay alive on its own. Yeah. And, Jennifer, you're cool with this, right? I'm not cool with this. Cats are my number one worst. Cool, then. I really want. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Oh right? I'm not cool with this. Cats are my number one worst. Cool, then.

I really want. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. The kitten could be our fifth. Aw. Chalice puts the kitten in her apron pocket and is just petting it.

That's so sweet. And you guys open up the cell, and you move through that shadowy corridor. You can tell that there isn't even a door between you and the next room because of how crisp the sound that's coming from it is. Sounds like an enormous person, beast thing is moving extremely fast and then stopping. And then after you hear just an impact. It just sounds scary, to be honest. How do you want to approach this room that you're about to come up on? Yeah, can we like go and like just poke our head around the corner

and see what's going on? If that's how you want to go about it, you certainly can. I could turn invisible. Oh, you want to go check it out, Beef? Check it out, Beef, please. All right, I just gotta touch myself and there we go. And Beef disappears to the visible eye. And Beef, you're gonna enter that room? Yeah, I'm going to go around the corner. What you see kind of blows your mind. Oh, yeah? Because it is an enormous beast. Oh, yeah?

It is an elephant. Excuse me? Hurling leather balls the size of like a palm at 80, 90, maybe 100 miles an hour at the wall. Oh, God. This is Seb's cage where he rage cage. This is Seb's rage cage. I completely forgot about that. Okay, so this is just my batting cage.

What's up? Hey, Seb. Well, Fanta, I did it again. I was really creepy to a kitten, and I don't know why I was like that. You gotta stop doing that, man. Yeah, I just need to take it all out on the frickin' balls, okay? So pitch me a few right now.

Still creepy, but let's do it. You guys don't have anything else going on? You seem like you're in a hurry. No, no, no. We got time and beef chalice chips. They throw out little collapsible camping chairs and get a cooler out. They're like, hit some balls, boys. Let's go. They're wearing dad sunglasses.

They look like they're at a soccer game on a Saturday morning at 11 a.m. watching their son proudly. We all pull out our koozies and throw a drink into a koozie. I put the kitten in a koozie. It's like a League of Their Own kind of like montage for training. Oh, the song.

The song. Guys, we're doing a thing. Are you doing a thing right now? I hate to be buzzed, Bill. I don't have time. Pack it up. Pack it up. And you guys see that there's only really the door that Sab knows leads right back to like the back office of Bottoms Up and the door that like the quarter that you came through.

And then there's just a trap door. That is really the only other option. What do you think? Give up or trap door? We would like to go through the trap door. Perfect. Do we lift it? Is it like on the ground? Yep. You lift it and there's not even really a lock there. It does look dark when you open it, but Chip, you can see just stone floor when you look down. Is it like, you know, like a one story drop? It's a decent drop. It's like eight to ten feet. You can't quite be sure, but something in that ballpark.

Is there a ladder or no? No, just a drop. Okay, Chip confidently jumps down. Okay. He'll catch everybody else. Okay. And so everyone else is like jumping after and getting caught by Chip? Yeah.

Cool. Do we have to roll for athletics or anything? No, it's a pretty simple jump. There's nothing really in your way. The first catch is Chalice, and it's, like, adorable, and it's so cute when I catch her. And then I do the same catch for everybody else. It looks the exact same.

Cute. Yeah. Even Jennifer? Yeah, even Jennifer. Here we go. Whoa. I catch Jennifer last, and then I turn away, forgetting to catch Tom or Blarney Stone.

So once you're all in the room, the trap door slams shut and a tiny little portcullis slams shut above you. And it really gives new meaning to the words trap door because strings fly out of seemingly nowhere and grab all of your appendages, each arm and each foot, and pull you in different

directions until all six of you, the kittens that hasn't been touched by this, still in your pocket, Chaz, are off the ground and being almost like drawn in quarter, but from where, you can't tell, hanging in the middle of this cellar. So we look like NSYNC. We look like NSYNC. Fun. Kinky. High five. ByeYNC. Fun. Kinky. High five.

Bye, baby. Yeah. I'm JT. I'm Joey Fatone. Seb is definitely Joey Fatone. For sure. Yeah, who is everybody? I think we're all Joey Fatone.

That's sort of why the show works. So you hear from around the corner before you even see him, some echoing claps. Does it sound like two wooden blocks smacking each other? It does. It sounds like wood blocks. Well, well, well, here you are. Fell right into my trap. You thought you could get rid of us, huh? Well, let me reintroduce you to my band!

And actually, let's vote for initiative. Chip's got a huge smile on his face. Like, enormous smile. Like, the happiest he's ever been. You gotta go to therapy

to figure out why you love this guy so much. I love this guy. 16. 3. 9. 9. Mine's plus 2.

What's your initiative? My initiative's plus 3. Yeah. I'm having the band because they're so tight as a band. They rolled as one. And then we're going to do all their attacks together pretty much simultaneously. They have like hive mind. Cool.

They rolled 19. So they're going to go first. Dude, you're so cool. I f***ing know it. But you thought you could just toss me to the side. Well, again, let me introduce you to my band. And with that, all the strings that are attached to you guys pull way harder in every other direction. So everyone give me a constitution saving throw.

18. 16. 11. Well, mine's 8. Sorry, it's plus 5. Okay. 18. 16.

11. Well, mine's 8. Sorry, it's plus 5. Okay. Anyone that it was under a 13, you're going to take 2d4 of damage. Everyone else, just 1d4. Ooh, 1 damage. 1 damage also.

Ah, 4 damage. 4 damage. All right. And reintroducing on trumpet Goldilocks. Goldilocks lets out their version of shatter. It's different than Beef's shatter because it's not just coming out of their butt. Huh. They take their trumpet, put it to their butt,

and it comes out of the trumpet from their butt. Oh, that's so good. Beef notes that for later. Each creature in a 10-foot radius sphere, so that's all of you strung up there, must make a constitution saving throw. A creature will take 3d8 thunder damage on a failed save

or half as much damage on a successful one. You're going to have to get higher than a 12. Nine. Ooh, 13. 15. Nine. Oh, 13. 15. Nine. Oh, man. Chalice and Beef are in trouble.

You guys each take... I'm dead. I'm dead. I died. I'm dead. I'm dead. I've died. I'm gone.

15 damage. Yeah. Okay. I got two HP left. Whoa. I have 15 left. Hey, hon. How you doing?

Good. And then for the others, you'll take eight. Okay. Hand on drums! Pasquale, pee, pie plate, baby! And he starts banging some drums. He now appears on his string, hammering away in his chef's outfit.

And these drums release the equivalent of some sort of thunder wind. And no one takes any damage? Yeah, I agree. Yeah, me too. It is Constitution again. Okay, I rolled an eight. Ooh, natural 20.

Ain't nothing having a meaning. Sorry, I shouldn't be saying that. This is not going well for everyone. Please be sensitive, Seth. Our friends are dying. Yeah, man. 15. 15. 13.

And so if you rolled above a 12, 12 or above, you only take three damage. If you rolled below that, you get six damage. So Beef's still at negative one? Yeah, I'm at negative one now. Beef's unconscious. Beef's on saving throws. Oh, my God. Wow.

I haven't done anything. I have nine hit points left. And please, don't everybody pass out before the band's even introduced. We've still got one more player. Are you kidding me? Play it, baby! And a flutist comes out and does a little flute solo. And with it, you start to feel the wind in the room pick up.

And uh-oh, that's Gust. Oh my god. Okay. So with Gust, one medium or smaller creature that you choose must succeed on a strength-saving throw or be pushed up to five feet away from you. And so they're going to pick Chip, and Chip's going to get hit with a big breeze. And he's stuck in place, but it doesn't do any damage. Oh, oh. Hey, good try, dude.

I'm sorry you don't have a name. That sucks. They don't talk. They're playing. What do you do? Do you sing? What do I do? I do everything.

This is my f***ing man. And with that, you guys are up. So before you guys take your actions, what I'll have you do right now is roll to see if you are continued to be restrained by these strings. Give me a strength check, all of you. Probably not. Yeah, beef your unconscious. Great. Botched. Okay, Seb, you kind of accidentally pull one of your arms so hard, but it like goes back like a seatbelt and gets stuck and you somehow have it kind of like around one of your arms so hard, but it goes back like a seatbelt and gets stuck, and you somehow have it kind of like around

your head, too. So you're kind of almost choking yourself out now. Oh, my pitching arm. Dirty 20. 22 from Chip. Okay, Chip and Chalice both look at each other, nod, and explode out of their

puppet strings. Whoa! I didn't think you were going to do that. That was cool. Yeah, I'm really feeling bad. Chalice is really down for the count. She's hurt bad. Oh, yeah? Could be worse. I'm dead. If you're unconscious, quiet you. You're in like the astral plane right now.

Saving that down to your body. Alright, can I just poison Pasquale Pe. Piplate? I feel like once he's out, then... Cut off the head of the snake. You mean Geppetto? Yeah. I mean, that's what I mean.

Geppetto Pinocchio. You know the drummer's the heart of this band. I'm going to poison Geppetto Pinocchio. You must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take one D12 poison damage. Okay. Here he goes. He rolled an eight. Nice. I'm guessing that's gonna... Yeah. So give me a D12.

How much damage does this poison spray do? Twelve. Oh! Is it Sheila? Oh my God! What the is this shit? That came out of you? Disgusting.

And he's really taking, he is like more than bloodied with this. He is beside himself in pain. What's wrong with you people? Beef, you are unconscious. So give me a death saving throw right now. So here are the stakes of this, just because it's been a little while

since you've been on death saving throws. You need three rolls above a 10 to get back to stable. Three under 10 and you're dead for real. If you roll a nat 20 or botch, there's some implications here as well. I'm scared. Yeah, me too. You're good, babe.

You got this. Oh, I got a nat 20. Let's go. I'm for real. I'm for real. If your character rolls a natural 20 on a death saving throw, they regain one hit point and become conscious. You're back, Beef, and you're talking.

Okay. I'm coming out. I'm coming out. I'm coming out, baby. That is your turn, though. You can't do anything else. You kind of woke up. Okay.

You have one hit point. I'm awake. I'm happy. Chip, you are up. Yeah. Chip goes through his Rolodex of spells, and he throws it behind him. He says, no, never mind, and he takes out his axe. On my first action, I'm going to go, and I'm going to chop the flautist who gusted me.

Whoa. Now it's personal. Hey, don't blow me five feet ever again. Unless you're going to take me out to dinner first. So I roll, does a 25 hit this flattest? No, their AC is insane. Yeah, it is. Where are you chopping them?

Are you chopping their strings? Are you chopping their body? Yeah, I mean, they're like a little tree, basically. They're a little puppet guy. So I'm going to chop him right in half. 10 damage. That cloves them. That cloves them clean in half.

And then I'm actually going to use Action Surge to turn, and I get a second action, and I'm going to threaten Geppetto Pinocchio. I'm not going to kill him because I kind of like the guy. It's like, you know, when your mom's like, hey, I kind of need you to stop hanging out with that kid. Yeah. He's trouble.

That's funny, but he's funny, and his house has good snacks. He's trouble. He's funny, but he's funny and his house has good snacks. He's mean. I go up to Geppetto Pinocchio. I grab him, shove him against the wall and I put my axe to his throat.

Okay. Give me a grapple and then an intimidation as well for whatever you're going to say here. Okay. Strength check,

18. You're good. And then intimidation, a 21. Okay. Jesus. And then intimidation a 21. Okay. Jesus. What do you say to this little guy? Hey, hey, bud.

Oh, boy. Listen, I really don't want to have to kill you. I really, really don't because I think you're just like one of the funniest dudes I ever met in my whole life. You gotta go. You gotta go.

I'm happy to help you. But if you don't leave, I will kill you and all your friends. But like in the nicest way. And he's just like staring dead at you. He's looking deep into your eyes. You can tell he's like thinking about all his options. And you just rolled a pretty...

Like Doctor Strange in Infinity War. His head's doing that crazy thing that's in a million places that once- A billion possibilities! Chalice goes, hey, if this sweetens the deal a little bit, because she knows that Chip has a soft spot for him, we actually forgot to hire a band for the party upstairs.

Maybe you guys would want to play a couple songs, have a couple drinks with us But not the Chucky Busters song Working on anything new? Maybe something from the new album? Chip looks over at Chalice and like smiles Because he's so grateful for this help And you can see that he's crying

And she mouths to him They're your favorite band They are my favorite Thank you Does everybody feel this way? And he looks over at Seb. Seb hasn't really done anything or said anything this combat, so I just want to leave it open for you to do something, say something.

No, I actually appreciate it, because I was about to be a little stinker about not getting to do something, and I was going to complain. But I'm going to use healing word on my good friend Beef, because it seems like everything is going well, and I'm Beef's new best friend. So I'm going to cast healing word, and that is 2D plus 3 healing.

2D what? That's for me to know. 2D4, sorry. Just 2D. Just 2Ds. Two big Ds. I love it. So it's going to be 9, plus 9 for Beef.

I'm at ten. Thank you, Sebby. Can I cut down beef and Seb? Yeah. Yeah, you can because you're free. And now the band's kind of waiting on bated breath for directions from Pinocchio. So everyone's cut down and now Chip's got the ax to his throat. He like, Seb snaps to attention.

I just saw all 100 million possibilities. What? And there's only one where we win. And what is that? We accept to be your house band. Hey. It's all that I ever wanted. And he starts sobbing in your hand, Chip.

We all know at the core of every character that's an NPC all they want to do is fit in and blow. I can't fight this any longer. I know I'm not singing these days, but it's a no from me. That's my stage. No, Beef, we'll be your band. I swear to God, I'll blow you five feet. I'll be your band. Oh, you got to buy me dinner first if you're going to do that.

Please, Beef. He only has to talk when we let him. Right, Geppetto? Yeah, I'll only talk when you let me. We'll play ambiance music in the background during cafe hours. Yeah. Speed it up when it gets late night. It's mostly instrumental.

How about this? Mondays through Thursdays, you can play. Trial. Nothing original. We give you the songs. After that, if that goes well, we'll let you play some original stuff. And every year, once a year, you can play the Chucky Busters theme song. That's our deal.

And I'm your manager. Beef gets 40%. I get 40% of the cut, and you play when I tell you, alright? Yes, sir! And it looks like by my watch, you are five minutes late to call time. And he winks.

Oh, my God. Are we going to play the grand opening? Yeah, buddy. Yeah, I guess. Let's do this thing. Oh, my God. You killed our floutist. I have wood glue.

I have wood glue. We're good. Oh, yeah. That fixes everything. Do you have human glue when someone gets cut in half? They're dead. You f***ing killed them.

Okay, we could kill you. Sorry, that was really dark. What's wrong with me? I don't know, Seb. You're pretty dark this episode. I was about to kidnap a cat. What the hell is going on in my mind? I just need to be quiet.

I think you need a baby aspirin and a cold compress. Come on, everybody. So we can assume that the gang takes the exit off of the elephant batting cage that leads to the back office and gets squared away. The party's still going upstairs, and we're actually going to cut to a little bit later in the evening of Bottoms Up's grand opening. And on the stage is, well, the Bottoms Up band? I don't know.

That's for you guys to decide what this backup band is called. But Beef is... The Squally Pee Pie Plate and the Marionettes. Dang, Geppetto got demoted. Yeah, for sure. F***ing bullshit. Geppetto. The gang is in the front row with band t-shirts on,

and they're jumping up and down. They're super excited for the play. Nobody else seems to care that much. Since Beef can't sing still, he's kind of doing like a, yeah, and walk down the road. And that's why he's like talk singing.

Hey, can you stop talk singing into the mic? You're supposed to introduce us. We're going to play some music. Oh, that's what's happening right now. Okay. Put your hooves and hands together for Pasquale P. Pipe Play in the Mariennets. Hell yeah. We're going to rock this place.

On Mondays and Thursdays, we haven't sorted out all the details yet, but long live Bottoms Up. Woo! What do you guys think? One last time? Okay. One more time. One more time. This baby aspirin is so good.

Protect, you're eating some cheese! Yes! There used to be a flute solo on this park. Chip is in the corner trying to glue the guy back together. Chalice is Lance Bass. Oh, I was thinking Chalice is Justin Timberlake. Okay.

I can see that. Fine. Can I be Lance Bass? Can I be JC? Yeah. Everyone can be whoever they want. As long as you're not Joey Fatone, I don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Beef is definitely Chris Kirkpatrick. Oh, yeah, baby. Yay. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and Mishawn Coyle. Arnie Pera wrote the theme song, Ben and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. Y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon. Support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the

expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroos and get access to over 70 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. Shout out to the kitchen rats. There you go. This week's episode is, any guesses? Um, no. Fair enough.

Road Trip Improv, where Elizabeth, Waleed, and I do a good old-fashioned improv set that follows three friends on a very special road trip that will change their lives and maybe the world forever. So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom DND and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom DND. That's sitcom and then the letters DND. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite

pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by our very own Waleed Mansour. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. And shout out to the kitchen. And shout out to the kitchen. That was a HeadGum Podcast.