SitcomD&D - S4 E7: Regis Richfoot (w/ Jo Scott and Jeff Murdoch)

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

After Beef puts up a missed connection ad on Greg’s Gist, it’s not long before he reconnects with his long-lost parents ( Jo Scott and Jeff Murdoch)! But before they can help Beef, they may need some help of their own.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsGuest Starring: Jo Scott and Jeff MurdochTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I honestly... They kept coming. There was one time where we went to a bar, not even thinking about it, like the pub, the inn. This wasn't like one time. It was like the first thing. The first time, yeah. We go into the bar, and I'm just trying to get them to go to a meeting room to get some info,

and they're all like, I want to order a beer. Literally every kid is trying to order a beer. Jump in and order a beer. It sounds like those kids really get D&D, which is ruining the life of your DM. That's the point. So they get it.

They killed the bartender. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience, previously on Sitcom D&D. After doing some research about their curse at the library, the gang returned home and celebrated the grand reopening of Bottoms Up with a banger. But when Geppetto Pinocchio and his band refused to stop playing the Chucky Busters theme song, the gang was forced to go back into the dungeons below to put a stop to them. However, when the battle was won, it turned out that Geppetto Pinocchio

really just wanted to be included. So the gang allowed him and his band to be the Bottoms Up house band moving forward. But today, we'll be picking up bright and early the morning after this epic party and grand reopening of the beloved Bottoms Up. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Dice. Dice.

Dice. Dice. Jeff said dice. I think he's the first one to Can you edit that so it's louder? We can do a confidence meter on that Thank you When you need a break from this crazy world See your friends and fill a cup

Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience Sebastian von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Why doesn't everybody just give me a constitution check right now, actually? And then based on that, you can describe how your character is sleeping in this hungover state in Bottoms Up in the morning. Chalice is sound asleep standing up in the middle of the bar.

And with Jennifer just completely wrapped up in her hair, like a blanket. And she wakes up and throws up the second she wakes up. Because I rolled a three. Fair enough. Chip is sleeping pretty well and he's snuggling up with Geppetto Pinocchio, who is awake and looking around like, when is this guy going to get up?

I got to get out of here. Seb is, well, where is Seb? All you see is somebody has dragged in a big trough of water and there's a reed sticking out of it. But wait, there's bubbles coming up. Seb has been sleeping underwater. Did not roll very well. We're talking a three.

So I'm underwater sleeping. Beef is upside down in a trash can with his legs, little legs kicking up into the air. He's wearing his white tighties. Almost in that, no. Well, I can't decide. I mean, it was an eight. And he's happy.

Either one or a 20, he's going to be happy. He'll be just fine. When Chalice woke herself up with a throw up and threw off, Jennifer off her head, Jennifer goes, ah! When she hits the ground, does a big stretch. Last night was epic. Sheesh.

I knew my rent was gonna be late about a week ago. I wear my ass off, but I still can't pay. Chalice throws Jennifer into the water that Sebs in. Jennifer's right. I feel a little like, and now that we opened Bottoms Up, I'm feeling a little like panicked.

I have like a huge family, so I'm not worried about the whole dying thing. So no worries there. We'll just do another reunion or something and I'm good. Yeah, I mean, I got siblings. We're not really on speaking terms, but maybe this is the shot in the butt we need

to kind of get over some familial stuff. I mentioned once before that my sister's a war criminal, didn't I? You did mention. You did. Beef's a little nervous. He's like hanging around the band, like pretending he's in a conversation with them. Beef, why are you pretending to talk to the band?

Are you okay? Those are the ones that don't talk. Oh. Yeah, I guess I'm just a little, I don't know what I'm going to do. Because you don't have any blood relatives and you were raised by pigs? Yeah.

So, you know what? You guys go live your lives with your family. I'll just, just bear me in the stage. What if you had a baby before the end of the season and use that baby's blood? Oh, baby blood. I don't like baby blood. We're not doing that.

Wait, wait, wait. You don't like baby blood? Beef, what if you took out an ad on Greg's Gist? You all know that Greg's Gist is the local pamphlet periodical printed on parchment. You could take out an advertisement under the Miss Connection section. Who knows? Your real parents might still be looking for you and see it. I never thought about that. I mean, have you guys

ever put an ad on Greg's Gist? Beef, Greg's Gist is like the biggest paper that there is. Everybody reads Greg's Gist. Beef, have you ever tried to find your biological parents before? Once. Once. I walked down the street, screamed their names, but I didn't know their names. That's fine. This is good. This is a great idea.

Jennifer, let's do it. Beef, give me an intelligence check. Uh-oh. And we'll see how well this misconnection writing goes. I rolled a 19, but my intelligence is negative two. Okay. Brings us to a 17, which is still pretty great. Beef puts out an advertisement, takes out a section in Greg's gist.

What type of information do you think Beef included in there? Beef probably put, hello, mom and dad, wherever you are. I wonder if you wouldn't mind being cordially invited to the bottoms up, looking for anybody, really, that has...

This is all included in there? This was the first draft. Because it was a 17, you also included what your background is, kind of what your deal is, why you're seeking it, where you can be found. And so now at this point

Beef, why don't you roll a D20 for me? And that's how many days are going to pass. 10 days! So it takes a many days are going to pass. Whoa. 10 days. So it takes a couple days to get into circulation. And, you know, after- Chalice is still hungover from that night. And after like five, six days, you're kind of like, you almost forget about it.

But the 10th day, if you're working at the bar alone, you woke up a little bit late. You don't even know where the rest of the gang is at. That's sad. They always tell me where they go. And on this 10th day, a couple characters walk through the door. Camden Richfoot

looks a bit like a tiny little Rhine Gosling. Hello. But he's definitely balding on top. And he is wearing children's khakis, but they're so good looking. They look like they were luxuriously made for a rich prince somewhere. And a shirt that's sort of up and buttoned down and his chest hair just popping out. that's sort of up and buttoned down and his chest hair's just popping out.

But the shirt is gaudy and honestly worth more than most people's entire salary. And I am Margo Richfoot. And I'm giving you Anna Wintour. Ooh! Dressed as the Alice in Wonderland Red Queen vibes. Oh! Wow! Fancy! I love this. the Alice in Wonderland Red Queen vibes. Wow.

Fancy. I love this. And I can fit in Jeff's hat. Yes, it's a big hat. If need be. And honestly, yes, sometimes she stays over. In the hat? In the hat.

And also take into account here, when you look at these two, it does seem very clear that if they had sex, beef would come out. That's the kind of thought. Of the hat? It looks like we're open, but we're not because it's just me. So we're not open. We're not here for drinks or anything like that. We're here for you.

For me? Are you guys, did you guys answer the ad? Are you guys from, did you see my ad in the paper? Are you guys my parents? There was an ad. Wait, what? There was? No.

We just answered, we answered the prayers. We've been looking for you. Yes. Oh my God, I've been praying for years for you guys, and I don't even know God. Mother, you're beautiful. And Papa, you're so small. Oh, yes. And I take off my hat and one flourish, and I bow.

Regis, we've missed you. Regis. Regis, let me look at you. Oh, my gosh. Look at it. Yes, he looks just like your papa and my mama. You come from the rich foots you do. Oh, wow. Mama, are you, are you calling me Regis? Is my name Regis?

Of course, it's Regis. I'm sorry, honey, what do your friends call you? Oh, well, you know, for the better part of my whole life People have been calling me Beef But, I mean, this is pretty cool Beef? Oh my god Why would your friends call you a treat?

Not your real name I had no idea Regis, wow, so regal Are you telling me I come from money? Do you come from money? I had no idea. Regis, wow, so regal. Are you telling me I come from money? Do you come from money? Money comes from you, my son. You realize in our home country,

you are on all the quarters. Little children everywhere in our country are buying lollipops with Regis Richfoot's face on it. Yes, the baby who disappeared. So you guys didn't leave me in a basket and put me down the river. I disappeared? You disappeared from the sky. You see, your mother and I,

we were traveling the world in a blimp to a croquet tournament and, well, a dragon lit the blimp on fire. No way! And I fell from the sky? Yes, you did. Right over some, uh, looked like some farmland. We thought that

you'd be better down there than up in the flaming sky. Were you guys gonna, did you come for me? Did you try to look for me at least? I was just about to jump out, but I was finishing my drink. Yes. And you know how much that drink cost. It was made from pure ghost.

You guys drink ghost? Yes. In our country, ghosts are the only things we drink. It's spirits after all. Oh, man. Thank my lucky stars. My parents are here. Oh, Regis.

What are your hobbies? Who are you married to? Oh, yes. Yes, I know. Do you think Beef would even do an insight check or he just wants to believe this so bad? He wants to believe this so bad. Oh, that's so sad. I feel so this so bad okay parents please i've always wanted to do so many things can we get a carriage and

you drive me around in the back seat while i cry like a little baby let's go oh regis we have so much time to make up i have to see you eat your first ice cream. Yeah, and I want to see you punch out your first bully. We see this. Beef's like doing his first step and they're like. Oh, yes, yes. Oh my God, look at those little legs. They're at the park and throwing a ball back and forth.

We go to a candy shop and I walk in and buy it. My God. We crash like a kindergartner graduation. We make beef walk through. I'm pushing kids over. I'm pushing them down. And so we cut to Bottoms Up where the rest of the gang, you are now in Bottoms Up and witness Beef walk back in the door in full graduation regalia, robes and the graduation cap, laughing with these two other halflings that once again look like if they had sex, Beef would come out. I did it.

Beef, where were you? Beef? Oh, my God, you guys. We were worried about you. What's going on? Beef brings his parents over to the gang. Guys, guys, I have two really, really special people for you to meet. Regis, who are these people?

Are they your workers or your servants? These are my friends. These are the people I was telling you about when we were at the park and at the candy shop, Dad. Oh. Dad? The ones that call you Beef. Oh, hello.

Yeah, that's his name. I don't know what else we would call him. His name is Regis. He's not a slab of meat for you to douse in mustard. Regis? What the fuck's going on? What is happening? What is happening? What is happening right now?

Beef, are these your parents for real? Yeah, it's a pretty crazy story. Apparently they never saw it yet. Hi, sorry. We should do this formally. We are so thankful that you made beef with your bodies. We love him. I'm former Princess Chalice.

The tired one over there is Seb. Say hello, Seb. We love him. I'm former Princess Chalice. The tired one over there is Seb. Say hello, Seb. Hi. And that's Chip behind me. We are sort of together. Oh. Yeah, sorry. And I'm Jennifer. And together we're the five. Oh, look at that little rodent.

Hello. Wait, did you say Princess Chalice? Princess. Wow. Yeah, Mom, Dad, this you say princess, Chalice? Princess, wow. Yeah, mom, dad, this is the princess from Chalice. I believe we had dinner with your family back in the day. Oh, no way. Whoa. That's so crazy. What is my world?

They're actually kind of evil, so that's not really a brag. You may have also heard of me. I'm Chip A. Hoy. I did the thing where I lied about doing the thing about killing dragon. Beef's just standing there looking up at all, like looking at them all. Just beaming. Beaming. In his graduation outfit.

Sort of had the hair in the back of her neck stick up a little bit when they said that they'd had dinner with her family. Because her family is famously pretty bad. So can I roll investigation or insight or something? Yeah, give me an insight check. Hey, Beef, would you like some more juice? And I put some juice in my mouth and spit it into Beef's mouth. Don't want my baby boy choking.

You are my heir and we are so rich. You don't have to chew juice. Well, if it's pulpy enough, you do. 18. Chas, you do get the vibe that something's off. And you realize that they were using disguise self. And with that, the spell ends, revealing that these two are not wearing very fancy clothes.

Oh. They're actually wearing very shabby looking clothes. Basically, Dobby sacks is what both of these two are wearing. Do they still look like them? They still look like them. They look like if they had sex, beef would come out. Papa, your hat. Mama, your scepter. Don't look at my hat. Don't look like them. They look like if they had sex, beef would come out. Papa, your hat. Mama, your scepter.

Don't look at my hat. Don't look at me. This is so embarrassing. Yeah, my hat is just a bunch of napkins stapled together. And it's tiny. Wait, who are you? Yeah, and why are you both wearing what looks like Chip's pillowcase right now?

Fine, my name's not Camden Richfoot. It's Camfoot. And I'm Go. You're just Go? I'm just Go. Yeah. But you are Regis, and you are our son. I'm sorry we came to you under such false pretenses,

but nobody wants to see their parents like this. Wait, wait, wait. So are you saying that the whole story with the blimp and the dragon and the parties and the rubies and the gems and the candy store. Some of those were true. Did you not buy the candy store? Okay, no, we didn't. Okay, that check is going to bounce.

And then when it does, I'd hate to be around. Regis, the truth is that we are your parents and we love you deeply. And when we saw your ad, we had to come immediately. I mean, we always wanted a better life for you. That's why we left you with those pigs. Yes, they seem to have their stuff together. That was intentional? If you saw how we were living back when

Regis was a baby, you would be like, yikes, get him away. That's so sad. They could find truffles. The only thing we could find was trouble. That I love. They all laugh. That's really good. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Mom, Dad, I mean, who cares about riches and who cares about fame? I mean, I love you for just who you are, right? right guys i've never cared about riches and fame right right gang right other than that one time you got famous and then you lost yourself there's a whole plot remember yeah there were a few times okay overall no i think overall you're pretty yeah you're right that's up yeah yeah it comes up ohis, I know you're a good person, but you have to admit, weren't you a little more excited

when you thought that you came from a rich family? That's neither here nor there. I'm just happy to have a mama that gives me juice and a papa that I can throw a ball to. Oh. Aunt Beeb, it's pretty good timing because of that K-U.

Curse. The curse. Let's just be honest. Yeah. So we need your blood. We need your blood now. You need our blood? No.

Okay. So let's slow down. Okay. So I have to either decide to be princess again, which I'm not. I can't do it. I just can't do it. Or we all die. Unless you really love beef

and then on a day that we all have to go on the sunset on the last day of the season, you can come and give a little bit of your blood that loves beef because you're his biological family. So this works out great. I mean, beef, and Cam holds his wrist towards beef like, my blood is your blood.

Yes, beef, Regis. His blood is your blood. But I Beef, Regis. His blood is your blood. But I have to admit, I've been a little anemic recently. Oh, Papaya, no. I'd love to give my blood, but... Well, I sort of nod with my head, move to a corner.

Can we speak in private? Beef turns to the gang. Gotta go talk to my parents. Cool, we'll just play with this hacky sack until you guys get back. That's my hat. That's my hat. Oh, that's your napkin hat.

Oh, sorry. So, we're both pretty sick. No, not Paddy and Madara. Yes, Beef. Yes, and while we don't want to come out and ask for anything. Hand it to us, but, oh, I can't ask this. No, no, no, no, no, please, please. No, we can't.

It's too much, Regis. It's too much. No. We should just go, probably. Let's just take our blood in the sleeve. Yeah. Wait, no, no, no. Where would you go? What are you, no, please. Let's just take our blood and let's leave. Yeah. Wait, no, no, no. Where would you go?

What are you... No, please. Probably to die, I guess. Oh, my gosh. This blood would go to waste. But I just met you guys. Oh, just say it and I'll do it. Well, I guess me and your mom have been working on a brand new business venture that we think

could get us back on our feet. That's great. What is it? It's just a kernel of an idea, really, but we're both very excited about it. We actually have lots of great business venture ideas, don't we, sweetheart? Yes, several kernels. I mean, I wouldn't want to bore you, Regis, but... We just need a little bit of capital to get them off the ground. I'm sorry, Regis, I'm barely listening need a little bit of capital to get them off the ground. I'm sorry. Regis, I'm barely listening.

I'm starving to death. Oh, you see, we haven't eaten in almost a year. Oh, my God, you guys. Oh, my God. What kind of son am I? I'm a horrible son. No, you're not a horrible son, but you could be better.

And I put my hand on his shoulder. Beef looks into Cam Foote's eyes and is like, I could be better. How about you and your friends bring some of that, oh, capital you've been talking about and take us out to a fancy dinner? We were thinking something with five stars. Well, tops down across the street is a really great five-star place. I think it would be nice to sit and eat after a year of not eating. We cut to Tops Down, where all of y'all are sat at one of their finest tables. Your courses are in front of you, and y'all are in mid-conversation about some of these

business venture ideas. Right. Well, like I said, it's a cup with three handles, right? Because we're constantly evolving as people. And we don't know when we'll have a third arm. And I think we should call it Thrup. And if you don't like that, let me tell you about this. Okay, so you all know how we

wear shoes. I had a follow-up question with the cup, the whole cup thing. Oh, it's called the thrup, actually. I'm sorry, with the thrup. Thrup. Now, I notice most cubs I'm looking around have one handle, and you guys made a jump all the way to three? Yep.

I hate to, like, you know, ask what about two, but I'm going to be that guy. What about two? Well, Chip, two is for babies. Yes, you know what a baby is, right? He's an ageist. Anybody here who is a father or a mother, raise their hands. Oh, I see two hands raised.

Right here. Oh, it's you two. Did Seb just raise his hand? Yeah, so. I mean, Throb's a great idea, but I mean, got anything else? Yes. How about this? So you all know how shoes exist. Yes, I mean, got anything else? Yes. How about this? So you all know how shoes exist.

Yes, I love this. Yeah, I've been thinking about that lately. I remember that. So shoes are all sorts of sizes, but I want to make shoes that they fit one fit all. So the foot that maybe a rat has, and I looked at Jennifer, or maybe the foot that an elf has. And I nod over to Chalice. It would fit both of you because it's one size fits all. How? It's like a sock, but it's a shoe.

We don't know quite yet, but that's why we start off by pitching. That's brilliant. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. How about this? You're sitting around at a luxurious dinner after a year of not eating. I wonder what that's like. And you have to go to the bathroom, but you don't want to leave the company. What do you do?

Well, you do what I'm doing right now. You pee. Right in. And I know what you're thinking. Of course, there's diapers, adult diapers, but this is the adult diaper thong. Mm-hmm. Oh. Yaxie. diapers, but this is the adult diaper thong. It doesn't work well with

pooping, but if you're just doing a pee, it's fantastic. That could be part of the slogan. It doesn't work well with pooping. Yeah. I like this chip guy, and I sort of grab his arm and sort of try to butter him up. I'm like, ooh, you're strong, too. You didn't kill a dragon?

Are you putting butter all over me? Oh, my hands are just drenched in butter. Sorry about that. Well, hypothetically, right, like, beef's gonna be the face of this. So, what are some, like, inventions maybe that, like, would fit with beef, like, in beef's brand? Oh, well, um... Well, of course.

I mean, the diaper thong is pretty... No beef in a diaper thong! That thing sells itself! I mean, the diaper thong is pretty. No beef in a diaper thong? That thing sells itself. I mean, honestly, beef. I mean, we can call it no beefs allowed because it's all pee. Wow. No beefs allowed. I want to buy 10,000. Oh, my God. I see it now. My face.

20,000. Seb's in. He's just saying numbers. I love just saying numbers. 35,000. Pardon me, but are we ready for the check? Oh, well. You got this right, Beef? Oh, yes.

You said you were rich. I did. You said what, Beef? Huh? That's really funny. That's cold. We lost all of our money last season. What the hell?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is there a camera in this waiter's belly button? I don't. What is this, candid camera? What the heck? Regis. Well, I guess Regis made an oopsie. I did what you guys did immediately after you did it.

You lied so fast. Well, I can't say this is our first time running into a situation like this, especially with this group. But you all know the drill. If you've eaten here and you cannot afford it, you'll have to work it off. So who is staying behind to do the dishes? Nose ghost. No, I'm out.

Nose ghost. I forget. I guess the rats will be cleaning up our mess. Thanks, Jenny. You're the best. Bye, Jenny. Listen, Regis, it doesn't matter that you don't have money. Listen, your father and I have been living without money for ages.

Yes. But there's always a workaround. Absolutely. It's all about knowing people and connections, all right? And we know a guy down at the station, and I'm sure if we say maybe we cut him in on the sales of these beefy diaper thongs, well, maybe we could... Beefy diaper thongs. Well, maybe we could... Beefy diaper thongs.

I love that. You love that beef? Beefy diaper thongs. It really pulls off the lips. Well, if we cut this guy in on the deals, I bet that, well, we could get some free air time. All you have to do is sign for it, and we should be able to go. And the three of them do another big family hug. And in the background, you hear a dish break.

It's so soapy and slippery. I hate this. And we're going to cut to y'all on your way to the studio. It's pretty sizable. And there are large glass doors at the front, which y'all are able to get in uh without any question and then there's someone at the uh the front desk there uh receiving you and both parents just go after that person and kind of corner them to have a conversation hey while

that's happening you guys are they're just out of earshot and it looks like it's like a very bad conversation is happening that employee looks super stressed out like he's giving them so many chances man this is the best isn't it guys i can't believe you're meeting my parents and my parents are meeting you guys this is seven chalice kind of look at each other uh beef i'm really happy for you. But doesn't something feel like a little off? You don't really know them that well. And just because they're your parents doesn't mean that they're necessarily good people. You know what I mean? Like chalice.

Like chalice. Yeah? Like chalice. Your parents aren't good people. Yeah. My mom was nice. Dad was bad. And I'm kind of nice sometimes when I decide to be. Yeah.

The parents and the studio exec come back, and he looks completely defeated. Okay, I guess we're doing this. We're going to get you guys a spot, okay? Follow me. Follow me. Yes, a deal's a deal, right? Listen, Regis, no pressure, honey. No pressure.

But we really need this commercial to be top notch. Well, when we're done, we can go down the slide and eat hot dogs and hang out. Absolutely. We can do it in that order. Easy. And he gives him finger guns. Just tell me where my mark is. And we cut to like inside the sound stage for where this broadcast will be taking place. And it's more of just kind of like an empty dark stone room.

Like they've kind of removed anything so that they can move in set pieces in and out to fit the situation. And there are big, bright, magical lights shining down on the spot where they would be broadcasting something. And you see that in addition to the studio exec, there is a wizard there who is dressed in robes that look like if what Steven. On set, we're transformed into wizard's robes. That's kind of the vibe.

So like a baseball cap, sunglasses, kind of a shabby beard, and Spielberg robes. Okay, so looks like they had to call me in early. We're shooting something unplanned. Who's in charge here? What am I doing? We're in charge over here. Hello, hi. We're in charge. Hello, hello, hi. We're in charge.

Hello, hello. The name's Cam Foote. The name's Go Foote. This is your subject today. This is our baby boy, Beef. He is very famous. And my eyelashes are long. Okay, great.

All right. So then you already know how all of this works. Is everyone familiar with how broadcasting works? Yes. Yes. You make the commercial and then you make the money. The money comes after the commercial.

I don't work with people who don't understand the specifics. And I see a lot of people just kind of looking slack-jawed in the back there. Chip, close your mouth. Huh? I'm tired, and I'm also surprised by the way that that diaper fits you. I think we're all pretty surprised.

Yes. Like, it fits good, and Beef does a little runway walk. And it was meant to go underneath the pants, but it looks so nice on you, Beef, over the pants. And, Beef, you do have it on backwards, but honestly, we'll fix it in post.

And remember, Beef, over the pants. And Beef, you do have it on backwards, but honestly, we'll fix it in post. And remember, Beef, don't look directly into the camera, just off to the side. Yes, but not too far off to the side like you're looking for trying to hail a taxi. Just slightly off, okay? But not completely off because you also want to connect with the audience, Beef. Yes, you don't want to lose them, okay? I like to have a secret, okay? I always have a secret in the back of my head. What is your secret? Don't tell me, Beef! Don't say it, Beef. Can, you don't want to lose them, okay? I like to have a secret, okay? I always have a secret in the back of my head. What is your secret?

Don't tell me, Beef! Don't say it, Beef. Can I be Beef's eyeline? Do you have a background in acting, Chip? I have been a dragon in a play where I wasn't allowed to talk, yes. Oh, well. I forgot about that.

Well, Chip, I'm going to ask you to really embody that and stop talking. Thank you so much. Director. We are short-staffed, so everyone here will have to pick up a job on set. So I'm going to explain to you what the biz is. God, where to begin? Okay, so you don't even understand probably what room we're in, what I'll be doing. Okay, so not too long ago

a unique line of magical shields were created by the dwarves in the southern mines. I call best boy. They were terribly brittle in battle but very good at deflecting illusions. It was later discovered that flipping these shields upside down reversed its effects

so they no longer deflected illusion but instead received them. Do we follow so far? Any questions? Can I be best boy? I'm just gonna power through this and as we've seen happen time and time again throughout history a failed military weapon was converted into

something commercial in the name of money. Well actually I just thought about it. Beef is the best boy. And I really like the idea of a female being the best boy. Oh, my God. Beef, you are my best boy, Beef. So now folks put these shields face down on their roof so that the shield looks like a bowl or a dish, you know? And now all the households that have the dish on their roof can receive major images cast by incredibly powerful wizards like myself,

who cast their spells at this object that wizards who built it call a broadcaster. I would like to be Best Boy. Okay, you can be Best Boy. Do we have a director or anything? I'm the director! Okay, I'll handle it. I'm Key Grip.

Fine, I'll be actor. Go. Yes, honey. Would you like to be director or producer? I was thinking about being Best actor. Go. Yes, honey. Would you like to be director or producer? I was thinking about being best boy. Okay. You. Yes. Best boy. Yes.

Yes. No, I would say assigning best boy to the big green guy. Yes. Mother. Yes. Wow. I do. Chalice would be so good.

You know what? I want Chalice to have it. I'm passing it on to Chal Wow. I do. Chalice would be so good. You know what? I want Chalice to have it. I'm passing it on to Chalice. Thank you. Then you, big green guy, you are going to be our script coordinator. Just make sure that everything's consistent and that you're coordinating the script. I actually proofread something earlier this episode. All right.

And you, tired one. Why do people keep saying that? You look responsible. If anything gets out of hand and some crazy wild magic gets going or something, just read this scroll. So I'm the key grip. Awesome. Yeah. And he hands you like a piece of parchment. And when you do look at it, Sab, you can tell that it's just a dispel magic scroll. Places, places, everyone. I think I'm just standing right off camera, just like really close. Like just right there.

We're going to need you to just nudge right, just one more step back. That's my toes. I'm so sorry, honey. He made me step on your toes. I don't know why he did that. And mom, you are now in frame. I like that, actually. Look at go.

You look so amazing. Wow, she should be the best boy. Quiet on set. Beef, you got this, remember? Beef, you got this. You got this, Beef. Smile, big, big smile. Beef, you got this. I'm preparing to cast major image,

and I will direct it at the broadcaster. And you look over. The broadcaster is this like a fantasy version of like a large, shiny bronze antenna, like standing look over, the broadcaster is this, like, a fantasy version of, like, a large, shiny bronze antenna, like, standing three feet off the ground with, like, a bronze sphere on it with two thin bronze batons jutting out from it in odd directions

and then, like, a helix spiraling up from its center. So he's going to use major image to cast what he's seeing in front of him and then broadcast that to all the homes that have the dish. Chalice, what do you do as Best Boy? Look cute.

And honestly, you're killing it, Best Boy. She does a backflip. I rolled for athletics and got a two. Alright, and action. Hello citizens, it's me, Dave. But do not be scared.

I have a new product for you to have. Faster, beef, faster. It's a big old- Okay, I'm going to stop broadcasting. Here's the thing. When I'm casting major image, that is happening in everyone's house that has a dish. So whenever we're on, we're on and we are live. All right, okay. Notes from the parents, on and we are live. All right, okay.

Notes from the parents, that's being picked up. All right, fine. I hear what you're saying. Beef, you need to do better. Could you guys try being quieter maybe, Mom? Excuse me? Wow. Did you just tell your mother to shut up?

We literally just met today. You told your mother to shut up? I can't believe you. We try our best. We try our best. And this is the thanks we get. Should I shut up too? Well, the guy said you guys.

Regis. What? He just told you to shut up, Cam. No. Ouch. Okay, we're going to take it from the top before, okay, before things get out of hand here. Remember, can we like focus on the product? We're gonna go

live. I'm not gonna cut for the next several minutes. This will be a chance to sell it. Regis, please. Please. If you don't do this, we will die. Be fast. Be happy. What? Look like you need to go to the bathroom, but not shit. And action! What? Oh, God. Alright right. Yes. We're on.

This is a diaper, but it's not any old diaper. It's a thong diaper, and you can wear it in the front or the back. I chose the front. And it's not just that. It's one size fits all. So even your mom and your dad can wear it. And the director uses message to speak with you, like, inside your head so it's not picked up. And goes, okay, so do you want to, did you bring any, like, water to pour into it? Show how it works?

You know, as, like, an example. Beef says to nobody, yes. Nope nope just talk to me in your head nope no just talk to me in your head i have stuff why don't you demonstrate how it works a glass of water dump it on your diaper wow really absorbent chip uses message to me hey Hey, hey, hey Beef. Hey. Say the thing about the fact that it doesn't work well with poop. Oh yeah, okay, you got it. Is there someone else in here?

Hey, what is going, get out! What's up, director? You're probably wondering, does this go with poop? No, no, no. It's only for piss. Hey, Regis, it's your father. I'm in here now too. Oh, no. It's only for piss. Hey, Regis, it's your father. I'm in here now, too. Oh, hey.

Could you do like a backflip or something to really sell it? Okay. Maybe he's pitching you acrobatics in it and the piss won't slosh out. Just like Chalice? I don't know. Chalice is really good. But like a better landing. Yes.

Okay. Damn, I saw. We all saw. There's so many mirrors pointed at you. Is everyone in here? Is everyone in my room? Beef tries to do a backflip. Give me an acrobatics

check with disadvantage just because Beef's really flustered right now. I feel like his parents' lives are at stake. Don't mess us up, Beef. Whoa, that was crazy. I rolled a 16 and then I rolled a 16. Don't mess this up, Beef. Whoa, that was crazy. I rolled a 16 and then I rolled a 16. Whoa.

With a 16, Beef pops off a backflip seemingly out of nowhere. Whoa. It could have been better, though. And he lands and he just feels defeated. He feels defeat,

but he doesn't understand why. Okay, we're wrapping this up. If you want to tell people how they can get them, how much they cost, we can maybe start to get these to fly off the shelf. So you can find this product down at Bottoms Up. All right, and we're out. Okay. Did we have someone set up to take some calls for people who are interested and want to learn more? Or did we not do that? We didn't tell them who to call or anything.

I'm trying to write a script on the fly. The script coordinator, was there a script? It seems like it's just this guy talking. I was trying to help out. It seems like the parents, Defeat, wrote the scripts. Okay. And it's not very good, in my opinion. Excuse me?

Wow. Yeah. okay and it's not very good in my opinion excuse me wow yeah it kind of as a script coordinator it's my job to say this there was no chance that beef was going to be successful not that beef you did bad it's just like you were working with nothing well was it the script chip or was it friends calling him beef for years and years and years yeah his that's his name, lady. Lady? Okay. That lady is my wife, young man. You know what? Beef, if they really loved you, they wouldn't be making you do this. Uh-huh. Love is not transactional.

You don't have to earn their love. They're your parents. They should just love you, Beef, the way that we just love you. Beef, what's it going to be? These phony friends who like to call you a cut of meat? What's it going to be? These phony friends who like to call you a cut of meat? Or your family who want to call you by your name and only use you to elevate our money-making products?

We'll get on opposite sides of the room if that helps. I think it makes it scarier. Whose side should I stand on? Regis, look at me. Come here, baby. Look at mama. Come on, which parent do you want to live with? I mean, which group? Regi, come on, Regi. Come on, parent do you want to live with I mean which group Regis come on Regis

come on Regis Chip is holding a slab of beef and saying beef beef and we're holding the thruple the thruple the thruple yeah and like we need one more hand

for this handle come on Regis beef it's like beef reverts he gets this image he goes straight back to back when he was in the woods with the pigs and how his pig mom was like, come here, Beef. And he actually takes his first step and he goes towards her and he feels that moment and he comes back into the present moment and he takes a step

forward not towards anyone just walking towards the door and with that the director who's like just like can't believe what his day has turned into strikes a match to light his pipe.

And unfortunately, the glass of water that was handed for the scene wasn't actually water. It was this alchemical filming liquid that is highly flammable that nobody really knew would be. I drank some of it before I poured it on my diaper. You should have known. Get away. A magical green fire explodes on the set right now. Oh. Is my diaper on fire?

Your diaper's also on fire. Get the prototype off. Get the prototype off. You're worried about the prototype? You've got to worry about Beef. Beef, are you okay? You're on fire. Callus does a backflip.

We just, goddammit, take the prototype off. Beef is beef, but this diaper, we only have one. Regis. Wait, wait, somebody listen to the key grip. Listen to the key grip. I'm going to use my scroll. I have a scroll. This is my job, and I'm doing a good job because I'm the best boy.

You don't need to describe it. Just read it, Seth. Stop magic. I read it stop magic i read it he reads it off and all the magic in the room is dispelled the green fire kind of goes away and what also goes away is an altar self spell that was cast upon the foots or the feet depending on how they call themselves refer to themselves

you are no longer standing what looked to be two people who if they had sex beef would come out but two people who if they had sex baby goblin would come out because they're goblins no get the diaper off Get the diaper off.

Get the diaper off. Take the diaper off as soon as you can. Oh, honey. Honey, look at you. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Look at you. Mom?

Dad? No, not mom, not dad, Beef. Not mom and not dad. What the hell? Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag and smushed under a truck. Oh, God. We almost had it. If you're not my mom and my dad, who the hell are you two?

My name is Gorble Gobble. Great name. Gorble Gobble. And I'm Greeble Gravel. Different last names Unrelated Yeah we never quite got married but we still do stuff with our hands Oh god

What? Yeah No so everything today was a lie on a lie on a lie? Not everything just the stuff we said to you yeah all that was a lie, on a lie? Not everything. Just the stuff we said to you. Yeah, all that was a lie. Yeah, you see, we used to have a taste of the good life. Our son was a famous goblin child actor. You may know him from the soap opera

The Days of Our Gob. Oh, I love that kid. That kid was hilarious. Yeah, he was. from the soap opera, The Days of Our Gob. Oh, I love that kid. That kid was hilarious. Yeah, he was. McSkull is sulking. Yeah, he divorced us because he said we were using him only to fill our pockets. And that part is true.

We were. Oh, then you saw the ad in the paper, I guess. Yeah, we saw a chance to get another son and use him to make money. Well, I guess you gotta choose, Beef. Do you want to let us do that or do you want to go back with your friends? Yeah, we'll go. We go to the opposite sides of the room again. Come on, Beef. Come on, we'll make money together.

We'll split it with you. We will, we promise. Come on, Beef. You don't need their blood. It's a scam. Beef goes to a memory of him eating a sandwich for the first time. And then it just brings him back to the present moment. What are we talking about? Oh, he wasn't paying attention.

Beef, you're coming with us. Say bye to your new friends. I'll get your blood. I'll get you all the blood you want. I know a guy. Oh, no. Beef, we've got friends with blood. Wow. I can't believe I ever called you Poppy and Mommy.

You two are disgusting. Beef, I know we lied to you all day today, but you gotta admit, we're pretty f***ing fun. Yeah, have fun with your friends. We're gonna go do finger stuff. With that, you guys head out to Bottoms Up.

Man, guys. I fudged up today. I really thought. No. It's good to have hope. You were hopeful. If you get scammed every once in a while, it's not the worst thing. I don't want

you to lose your trusting nature. You look sexy as heck in that graduation gown. Let me just tell you. And that diaper. Beef, you know what? We'll all sleep in your bed tonight. We're going to tuck you in. We're going to make sure you're not alone, okay? Make a sleepover?

Even Seb's coming? Yeah, and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to pretend to speak Italian to you. I know that makes you laugh. Your favorite. I love that. That's my favorite way to fall asleep. That's so fun.

They were fun, though. Maybe we could- A couple seasons from now, we'll have them back if we go on to the water park or something, but not right now. Only when we're doing something fun. I think I'm going to be okay. I literally only met them for maybe six hours. How long was all that?

I don't know. I think 45 minutes. Thanks for having my back, though. Who knows? Maybe your real parents are still out there, and they'll see that advertisement. And it could be worse. Those two could have been your real parents.

Think about that. That'd be way worse. Yeah, but they're kind of fun. Yeah, they were really fun. You got it. Got it, Mitt. They, like, ate six lobsters and didn't have to pay for it? Like, what a get.

I wonder what they're doing right now. Honey, warm your fingers up, okay? Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Pair wrote the theme song, Elizabeth and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Marr did the editing on this one. And of course, we were joined by the wickedly talented Joe Scott and Jeff Murdock. What an absolute delight. I mean, sheesh. You can find Joe Scott on Instagram at Joe Scott, that's J-O and then Scott with four Ts. And you can listen to Jeff on Mystery County Monster Hunters Club, which I highly, highly, highly, highly recommend. Here's a description for that

podcast if my endorsement is not enough. It's 2006 in Mystery County Superior, and life in the 51st state is weird. It will take a group of under-experienced teenage monster hunters and their well-meaning mentor to set things right in this improvised actual play Monster of the Week podcast. So check it out! And y'all, I gotta tell you, right now is a great time to check out our Patreon as well. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we do love.

So hop on now for $5 and get access to over 70 hours of content instantly. Can you believe it? And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats. This week's episode is Diary Entries Part 7, where Aaron and Elizabeth read from Elizabeth's actual diaries from growing up and do a deep dive into all the emotions, thoughts, and existential realizations that come along with it. These are must listens. And anyone who has listened will tell you the same.

So sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D&D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by Waleed. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.