SitcomD&D - S4 E9: Milk it in the Butt (w/ Jesse Kendall)

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

When Milknip visits Bottoms Up for a politically motivated charity event, the gang agrees to help him become a “Man of the People” in hopes of replacing Chalice as the King’s only viable heir to the throne.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsFeaturing: Jesse Kendall Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, Jesse, in Chicago, at IO Chicago, you were on a team called Comet with me, Elizabeth, and Waleed. Yeah. Do you have any memories of that? I remember when we all had like a team hangout and we all were in Shelby's living room. I remember that one because someone said,

who's the best improviser in this group? And Aaron and I- Why did we do that? Aaron and I, because we're sadistic, man. We love pain. Wait, who won? It was a split between me and Aaron and I won. Wow.

Wow. Cast your votes online. Well, this episode's going to define it definitively. This is where we'll actually get the real answer. I think it's Elizabeth. And I could still take the reins on that too, so watch out. This is going to be unlistenable. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast

recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we've got a lot going on, because after a few failed attempts to connect with family members, the gang has to start considering plan B, Chalice signing the dreaded contract and rejoining the royal family. Y'all have agreed to accept an offer

put forward by the crown, which is to host a charity event at Bottoms Up. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling! Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world

To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes,

but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

We are picking up inside Bottoms Up, where this vaguely philanthropic event being sponsored by the king is already underway. The bar is actually packed with people, and that probably has something to do with the fact that it's an open bar, and all food and drinks have been provided by the crown at no cost to the good people of Frasier. crowned at no cost to the good people of Frasier. And so despite the fact that you all know this event is a pretty hollow and essentially manipulative attempt to connect Chalice's positive public image with the royal family's not so positive public image, you can't help but be in a good mood because you see the hard-working common people of Frasier are getting a well-deserved break and a free meal. And you actually see a woman enter who looks professional as hell. She looks like the fantasy equivalent of business casual, but crushing it. And this is Claudia Clegg. And she hands you a card that

says Claudia Clegg, public relations. And she goes, but everyone calls me the jackal. And she hands you the card. A different card that says the jackal on it? Yeah, then she hands you a third card that's a joker. And she goes, that one's wild.

Cool. I'm Chalice Glass, former princess. Oh, princess. No need, no need. Your reputation precedes you. This is a great turnout, though. I think your father will be very pleased. Yeah, whatever. We actually have a lot to do today, a lot to accomplish. And, well, I don't know if your father already filled you in, but there is, well, another special guest

that will be appearing on behalf of the crown today. Ooh, and Beef comes bounding down in his butler outfit. He's hoping that the special guest is Percy because the crown people are coming. So he's in his butler attire, ready to impress. Ready to impress here, it's me, Beef! Beef, you're the special guest? Did somebody say special guest?

Okay. And what you thought was just a coat rack is just Seb drops all these coats to the ground and I come out and I go, it's me. I'm Seb. I've been pouting. Beef screams. And I was doing that to pout

to see if anyone was talking about my highlights, okay? Because I got highlights for this episode. Okay. Yes, you're all very special guests, but there's an additional special guest. And can we get the prince in here? And then the door opens and Prince Milk Nip enters. And Jesse, would you mind describing what Prince Milk Nip looks like today?

Prince Milk Nip is adorned in an all white kind of Diane Keaton-esque suit with a black turtleneck, his elvish hair draped over his shoulders. He's unusually peaceful and mild-mannered upon entering. He smiles at everyone

in the bar. Hello, everybody! Get out! No, no, no. No. Let me speak. Chalice goes and just swings and slaps him across the face and starts just trying to wrestle him.

Go, Chalice, go. Get him. Get him. Get him. God, you're so immature. You're such a loser. Oh, no, I'm not. You're immature.

You're a loser. And you're uglier than me. Loser says what? What? What? What? What? What?

Oh, no. They're both screaming what? What did you say? Chip, stop them. They're both screaming what? I don't know. I heard something says. Chip runs over and picks them both up and separates them.

Oh, is this your boyfriend? Oh, he thinks he's so gay. We haven't discussed labels yet, Mr. Milk Nip. Oh, no labels yet, huh? Well, last time I checked, when you don't establish labels within the first couple hours, it's going to fail. Hours? We've known each other for three seasons. Well.

Also, hi. I'm nice to meet you, I guess. I've never talked to you before or ever shoved cupcakes down your throat. Okay, good. Yeah. Nice to meet you. It was Chirp. It's Chip Ahoy.

I did the thing where I lied about doing the thing where I killed the dragon, burst my way out of it, killing it, you know. Beef approaches with a plate with a black licorice cupcake on it. Any chance maybe some more butlers will be coming today for the festivities? I might have invited Percy, but I don't know. I gave him some other chores to take care of. He has to clean all my Air Max 1s. Oh,

there's so many of those. And that's Seb. He's the coat rack over there. Ha! What do you think of my highlights? Is that piss? And lemon juice. Chalice turns to the PR person and goes, Why is he here?

Well, the royal family wanted to make a, um, a unified appearance to the people of Frasier, showing that as a royal family, you care and that the kingdom is actually not falling into chaos, but in very good, dependable, trustworthy, normal hands. Oh, lying. You guys are lying? Yeah, we're trying to lie. dependable, trustworthy, normal hands. Oh, lying. You guys are lying? Yeah, we're trying to lie.

Actually, Chalice, would you mind coming over here for a second? I want to talk to you. She gets one more slap and she just hits his ear as hard as she can on the way. Okay, everyone play nice with Milk Nip.

Do we have to? She takes you over to the corner and the jackal looks at you. Can I just level with you for a second? I know this is a lot, okay? I know you don't want anything to do with your brother. I've been briefed. Think about this.

Let's say that Milk Nip comes to this event and absolutely crushes it, okay? He becomes beloved and he is known as a man of the people. How? Lightning cannot strike twice. I came here not even trying to be a man of the people. How? Lightning cannot strike twice. I came here not even trying to be a woman of the people just because I wanted to be here.

And my dad's just going to send him over here thinking that it's going to work for him? No. These are my friends. The king's plan is to have Milk Nip attempt to also become a man of the people as a plan B, just in case you expire. And if you help me with that, he then becomes a viable replacement. You could be off the hook, free as a bird, because

you would have a replacement, a backup in Milk Nip. Are you starting to put the pieces together? Chalice looks over at her friends and they're all sort of taking turns hitting Milk Nip while Chip holds them up. It's gonna be impossible. Look at him. He is

such a loser. Hey, when do we stop slapping him? There's no candy coming out. Get them ready. Get them on our side

to help make this happen. Okay? And Chalice sort of like rolls her eyes and huffs like a teenager and stomps back over, slaps Milk Nip in the head again, and then goes, hey guys, can I talk to you for a second? Milk Nip, I got a snack for you. Ooh, is it licorice?

Chalice, can we have a snack? I don't, no. Come on, Chalice. Chalice motions for Jennifer to get them a snack. I don't know what that means. We don't have hand signs. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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Okay, so for today, we're actually, it's going to be impossible, but we need to make my stupid brother relatable and likable as maybe a way to make it so he can take over for the crown and maybe we can all be off the hook. So we don't die? We could try. Just look at him eat a snack over there. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Me like. I told you, just take it out of my hand if you're going to eat it. Don't eat it out of my hand. I never hold my food. Chels, there's no way. Let's just give up. No, because hear me out.

Hear me out. Okay, when I came in here, I wasn't as bad as him, but I was like the worst. And through time, like sand and glass, you wore me down and I became a better person. We just have to do what you guys did for me for him.

We redo the first episode and we go from there, but with him instead of you? Not a re-pilot, but... Re-pilot. No, don't start saying that. Re-pilot. Sibling kisses. Oh, never mind. We can do this. We can do this. Beef, come on. You can do it, right? We can do this. We can do this. Beef, come on.

You can do it, right? We can do this. What are we doing? I was going to say pass, but if Beef's on board, I'm in. Great. She gives a thumbs up to the PR person. If we're ever going to be able to pull this off, it really just comes down to this. There are four things

that can turn anybody into a person of the people. Okay? I've got the checklist here. And if we nail all these today, and if we can capture some of these moments, then I think that we can get you all off the hook and have Milk Nip be a potential replacement. Okay? All right, shoot.

What's the list? Number one, have him have a few drinks and have fun. Easy. I want people to be saying, he's a guy you can have a beer with. Number two, have him make his rounds and hear the problems of the average person, discuss how he'd solve them when he's king. You know, we want people saying, he gets the problems of the little guy and he's going to stick up for us. Okay. Makes sense. I get that.

What's the third one? Okay. Beef, I love that you're paying attention, but you're being very vocal. Okay. The third one is let him get his hands dirty a little bit. Right. Number four, we're going to end with a rousing speech, right? Of course, any successful event, when we're looking at it from a public relations standpoint,

ends with a huge triumphant speech. Okay, so those are the four things. All right. Thanks. Thanks, Jackal. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Come over here. Come over here. Yeah, what's up? This lady wouldn't know cool if it bit her in the back of the face, okay? Let me give you a list. I got a list that really knows what cool is. Okay.

All right, how about one skateboard trick in front of the whole town? Number two, needs to sing a solo and shred on guitar, okay? Third, he needs to have a drink with everybody, and he got to be like somebody that everybody can have a beer with, you know? Yeah. Everybody. Yep. And then fourth, he needs to kiss the hottest person in town.

Oh my God. He's going to kiss Lucy Badoots. Oh, Lucy Badoots. He's got to kiss Lucy Badoots. That's right. The hottest person in town. And hey, Jackie, Jack-o'-lantern, sign us up. We've got our own list

and we'll get your list done, too. We'll get 18 things done by this afternoon. Oh, God. Okay, well, how about we knock out my list first? If there's time in between stuff, maybe we can work on chips because there's some good ideas there. No can do. The Prince Milk Nip's already on a skateboard.

Whoa! Guys, check this out i call it a golly what's that give me an athletics check and uh you can pretty much assume that you're getting a negative four I got a 15. Oh, okay. Not bad. Minus four is an 11, which isn't a total fail. So what does this golly look like? So a golly looks like an olly, but it involves, he had Jennifer on the board with him. So a golly is like a two-person olly. Whoa.

Sounds pretty sick, actually. I think we're starting pretty high. I think this is going real well. Chip takes out his list and does a big, huge cross-off. Yes. Now that Prince Milk Dib has brought some attention to himself

by doing a skateboard trick, a lot of people have taken notice that he's there. And a lot of these people are the less privileged class here in Frasier and aren't the biggest fans of Milk Nip. And so someone immediately throws some of their food, some like they scoop some pot of orange and like throw it at Milk Nip. You're a disgrace. My strong boy instincts take over and I dive in front of it.

Incredible, incredible. I love it. Give me either athletics or acrobatics here. Ooh, 19. Yeah, you jump in front of it successfully. It splatters on your chest. I'm cold. Sab!

We're right here with you, buddy. I can't see anything. It's so dark in here. Sab, are you okay? Oh, wait. Yeah, there's just a coat on my face. Okay, yeah, what's up? We got a little pot of orange on you,

but I think we got to go make Milknip drink a beer with people or something. Is there a plan I should be aware of? No, no, no, no. You're good, you're good. You're good. Okay, I'll get back to giving these townspeople a look of disgust. Well, actually, Prince Milknip, we were thinking you could come behind the bar with us and sling a few drinks. Hey.

Okay. Well, who's carrying me? No, actually, we were thinking, Prince Milknip, you could use your legs. thinking prince milknip you could use your legs everybody looks down at prince milknip's legs and he's they're exposed bare skin exposed there's a little bit of hair on them uh scattered throughout these like pasty skinny white it almost looks like he doesn't have knee joints and it's just one of white yeah let's get this guy behind the bar. Beef and Seb help bend his knees and walk him forward until he's behind the bar. Chalice and Chip, you see that the jackal is waving in a wizard and you recognize him

as the director from Beef's commercial, his infomercial. And he looks just like Spielberg. If Spielberg were a wizard, if someone would like to draw that, I would love it. Yeah, I'll get on that. Oh, okay, thank you, Elizabeth. And he has this major image-enhancing bronze antenna carried by someone who looks like they're carrying a boom mic.

The jackal turns to you both and she's like, okay. And again, there's really no way Milk Nip could pull off this man-of-the-people character consistently across the country. So what we need to do today is capture these authentic-looking moments and project it into the homes of as many people in Frasier as we can. This is your one shot. OK, as they walk behind the bar, Chalice runs up to them and goes, guys, I'm really worried about this drinking one. I had his 21st birthday party. He had one mimosa and he floated up to the ceiling because of the bubbles.

He cannot handle his alcohol. Beef sits on the counter next to the spout. All right. So this spouts for next to the spout. Alright, so this spout's for piss, and this spout's for beer, and this spout is for piss and beer. Can we get a drink here? What's happening? Calm down, calm down. If you want a drink,

I need to see your money first. Oh, what a good idea. They said this was an open bar charity event. What's an open bar? I'm not aware of this. Open bar. I mean, you don't have to pay. So, like, you know how you probably don't ever pay for anything?

Yeah. Yeah, this is like that, but for regular people. Oh, so everyone's a milk nip in this case. Yes, that's perfect. Just think of all these people as if they were Prince Milk Nip. That's a really good way to go about this exercise. Okay. You.

You're handsome. What can I get for you? He's talking to Chalice. What? I'm your sister. Okay. You. Townsperson.

What can I get for you? Oh, my God. You're Prince Milk Nip. I don't want a bit of your drinking. You're not... You're trying to come off like you're one of us. You're not one of us. You sit in your fancy towel.

You're not one of us. Milk Nip grabs him by the neck, but can't fit his whole hand around the guy's neck. He barely feels it. You listen here, buddy. I could have you killed in a New York minute. Now, you, get to the back of the line, think about what you've done,

think about what order you want, and when you get back up here, I want you to be a little nicer to me, or you're going to get the guillotine. You hear? The rest of the line kind of overhears that, and they're not vibing with that at all. Like, what?

Hey, it's such a piece of shit. Like, they're upset. You know what? If you were really someone who is just a normal guy, then you'd come and you'd do a keg stand with us. Well, sure. I can do that. Keg stand. Milk Knit, I would advise against not.

Your little body couldn't handle that. You're going to drown. You shut up. I'm taller than you. So they kind of make way and kind of drag a keg to you. And now there's a small crowd. And you can see the jackal. It's like giving you guys a thumbs up. And the wizard director is casting major image.

So this is going to be like projected. This is a moment that you need to go well for him to look like he gets it. He likes relaxing and partying. And he's a man of the people. Beef would like to cast bardic inspiration for Prince Milk Nip. So he has a white towel around his neck, and he puts it around Prince Milk Nip,

and he's rubbing his shoulders. You got this, okay? The key is keep on drinking. The key is don't stop no matter what. You got that? Crystal clear. Keep drinking. Yeah.

And when you think you can't, look at me. You can. Who's going to pump the keg for this guy? I can do it. I can do that. And you two lift his legs. Oh, okay. The whole crowd is kind of arms crossed. Like, why don't you impress us, Prince? Let's see if you can actually drink like a townsperson. I'm going to cast enhance ability on Milk Nip and I'm going to use the bear's

endurance. The target has advantage on constitution checks. Oh, hell yeah. Just power of the bear's endurance. The target has advantage on constitution checks. Oh, hell yeah. Just power of the bear. What does it look like when Seb enhances his ability here? I touch him in between his eyes. My eyes roll back, and you can just see kind of the silhouette and the sky of a bear just going.

That's cool. Fantastic. And so y'all lift Milk Nip's legs, the spout goes into Milk Nip's mouth, and everyone goes, Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! And Seb, do you start full-on pumping now that you've helped him,

or are you kind of trying to fake it, or what's your plan, Seb? I'm not a liar, so I'm fully pumping it. I'm not a liar, so I'm fully pumping it. I'm not a liar. Okay. Great. So, all right. Milk Nip, give me a constitution check,

but you'll have advantage, so roll twice and take the higher of the two and then Beef will have you roll your bardic inspiration. Oh, I got six. The higher of the two was 17. 17 plus six, 23.

This man is a machine, okay? The keg was three quarters full and it gets finished. They are mind blown. They're there for over six minutes. And like at first they're kind of like elbowing each other like, look at this. This prince thinks he can drink with real people. And then it's stunned silence for the last minute and a half. Until they start to hear it like hit the bottom of the barrel and like a slurp sound.

And then a cheer starts building. And then they're just going absolutely nuts as Milk Dip collapses back off the keg, and what do you have to say? Is it done? Everyone looks happy. The guy who challenged you grabs it and lifts it over his head. He's like, it is gone. Oh, my God. That reaction at the end kind of threw me, but for the most part, that was super

cool. The jackal kind of swoops in and she's like looking at Spielberg and is like, hey, did we get that? We got the fantastic. Okay. Stop projecting. Amazing. That was perfect. You guys, great job, Prince Milknip. That was incredible. I think the people will really respond to that. Okay, what do you guys want to try to knock out next? The listening one? Okay, yeah, I'm starting to think maybe he should have heard the problems of the people before he chugged an entire keg, but yeah, we're going to roll with it. Yeah, we could have thought about the order, y'all. He'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Hey, Chalice. Oh, no. Hey. Yeah, coffee and an aspirin, maybe. I was thinking doing suggestion. Chalice puts her hands on both his shoulders, pushes him a little away so he can't try to kiss her, and says, ooh. You are going to listen actively and respond empathetically to all the people who

are going to talk to you for the next five minutes. And then Milk Nip, why don't you give me a roll with disadvantage for wisdom? Four. Four minus four is a zero, and so to the best of Milk Nip's ability, whatever that looks like, he will listen and then, again, to the best of his ability, respond empathetically. So we're going to see a montage

of Milk Nip's responses and conversations here. Well, first, truly, it is an honor to talk to you, Prince Milk Nip. I just can't say how much it means to me that you're actually, well, hearing about my problems or our problems.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Who is this guy? That is Jay. Do not bring up his bad haircut. And I'm like Gary from Veep, and I just take that. And I'm just like putting a Fruit Roll up in your mouth and I go, yeah, that is Jay.

Just do not talk about the haircut, okay? No haircut talk. Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Jay, right? The prince knows my name. It's kind of talking to people in line behind him. Yeah, that's pretty cool, dude, that he knows your name.

You should vote for him. And I shrug, I'm like, is that what we're doing? What are we doing? Okay, if I could, if there was a vote involved, I And I shrug. I'm like, is that what we're doing? What are we doing? Okay, if I could, if there was a vote involved, I would. I would. But I would like to know, sir, with winter coming up,

and, you know, the crops not yielding as much as they used to in past decades, if you have a plan for, well, the less rich this winter. Um, huh. Do I have a plan for, well, the less rich this winter? Um, huh, do I have a plan? Well, you know, we'll plant more corn for you.

How about that? Or maybe some sort of crop that survives better in the winter. Would that help you? Wow, some sort of crop that survives better in the winter. That sounds amazing, Prince Milknail. Does it exist? Okay, we're all out of time. Yeah, Beef pulls him away.

Thank you, Jay. Nice haircut. Oh, no. And he moves on to the next conversation. And it's a woman who has two crying babies in her arms. And she's like, My husband was one of the strong boys who used to work for you. I don't know if you remember any of the strong boys

who used to work for you, but we were told that we'd be compensated after he passed and we haven't seen any of that compensation. Is that ever coming? Like, what is the issue here? Who's she? That is a strong boy's wife got that part yeah no that's that's all i know i i'm kind of actually interested in this i you have a commitment to these families

yes yes of course um so here's what i can do it's a booklet of coupons. It's a whole booklet. This is worth over $5,000 in deals. Whoa. This one just says a massage from Prince Milk Nip. Uh-huh. You can cash it in now if you want to. No. We can leave those babies behind. How about it?

Moving on. Thanks. Thank you. There's a revolution coming, Prince Milk Nip. All right. Somebody shoot her. And then there's an elderly couple, an elderly gnome couple that you're escorted to. Ah.

Oh, hello, Prince Milknip. We just wanted to really ask or inform you that there's a curse that is said to have been bestowed upon our lands for misdeeds from yours and your family. Is there anything that you can say that, I don't know, will make us all feel better that you're going to start doing the right thing from now on and not harm others or even those we consider to be our enemies. That's Zachy G and Dana R.

Zachy G, Dana R. Got it, got it, got it, got it. Zachy G, Dana R. What's goody good? Yeah, this curse. The most I can say, the most I can say is we'll take care of it. The most I can say is we'll take care of the curse. Um, we have a lot of things going on. We're going to get to it. I'm adding it to the list right now.

Um, Chip, you want to add that to the list? Yeah, I got it on the list. Chip doesn't have pen or paper. No, this is a cool list. I'm mixing up my lists give me a persuasion check from milk now um 10 okay minus four uh is six they just can tell that that's all you know word salad bullshit oh disappointing and they just kind of shuffle off the jackal moves in she goes okay um we're not really getting the footage

we need on this part. If someone just wants to like pose as like a regular person and we can kind of just, you know, fix this little snafu we're running into and it could seem like he really gets a problem that someone's having. Will one of you guys kind of step in? Beef, you're a performer.

I feel like it should be you, right? Sure can do, sweetie. Oh no, but she did say normal, but that's okay. Beef, you're a performer. I feel like it should be you, right? Sure can't do, sweetie. Oh, no, but she did say normal, but that's okay. You got it. Beef's already walking. And he's in his normal attire now. What is that? You know.

Tweed jacket with, like, the little elbow pads. Yeah, elbow patches. Okay, good, because that wouldn't have worked with you dressed as a butler, but, um, okay. And we're gonna start broadcasting now. Okay, good, because that wouldn't have worked with you dressed as a butler. But, okay, and we're going to start broadcasting now. Okay, major image cast. And whenever you guys are ready.

Oh, Prince Milknip. What was your name? Terrence. Terrence. Terrence. What is your problem? Terrence has a big problem. Terrence has beenrence, what is your problem? Terrence has a big problem. Terrence has been noticing termites in my shop in the square where most merchants make their money.

Then we have a termite problem. Terrence needs help getting rid of the termites. This is why Beef teaches improv. I love you for that. He has his improv beret on. Ah, yes. Termites, they are animals. Yes, and they...

They're not. What are they? They're bugs. Bugs. They're bugs. Hold on. Bugs are animals. No, bugs are insects. Animals are animals. They are bugs. Hold on. Bugs are animals. No, bugs are insects. Animals are animals. We're alive. Oh, yes, of course. Bugs, termites, they are destroying your...

They are an animal. They are. No, they're not. We can't do this. Well, it's only plants are animals in the world. No, plants are animals. Okay, shut it down. Shut it down.

We're just going to move on. Please, they're killing my family. Oh, plants are animals. Okay, shut it down. Shut it down. We're just going to move on. Please, they're killing my family. Oh, we're done? Okay, okay. Beef, that was good. I think all we got to do now is just get a few images of you working with your hands.

I don't know if you guys want to brainstorm real quick of what we should have him doing that seems relatable. Maybe chop in some firewood for the winter um at this charity organization that would look good toilet did you say cleaning our toilet sub because that needs to be done yeah cleaning our toilets that's perfect that chip's got a big old smile on his face we cut to the like wood outhouse that comes off the back of bottoms up and y'all are like standing four feet

away with your noses pinched and milk nip you are standing before their toilet um and the director and jackal are in there with you guys so um my stand-in when do they come in when do I go out? Fill me in more on this. Beef, are you my stand-in for this? Actually, I think this is you have to do this. I think you for real have to do this. And he hands him the shovel. I'm supposed to clean with this.

This is Lucy Badoots, the hottest woman in town. And Beef gives her a kiss. Come on, give her a kiss. I actually don't think this would be relatable. I'm going to go, he did it, and I think that that's not going to help. I'm going to be honest.

Kissing a poop shovel isn't something that everybody does. I got it. I got the list. But dude, yeah, Milk Nip, you got to clean. I'll shove three cupcakes down your gullet if you clean this bathroom. Can Chalice cast minor illusion of making like an identical outhouse

next to the existing outhouse? So it looks like he's touching it and cleaning it, but he's actually not. That's perfect, Chalice. We're all gonna have a minute to work with. So Spielberg, are you on this? Okay, cast it, Chalice, and then I'll say action. And then Milk Nip, I want you kind of talking about how you do all your own chores

and how you don't let people pamper you because you're a man of the people. Okay, while you are going to be feigning, working with this illusory toilet. Okay, are we ready? Everybody, places. Okay, great. So it's not a real one. It's not the real one. No, no, no, no.

Correct. Chalice can't help herself because she's so petty even though she's trying to make him relatable. She added a bunch of graffiti all over the fake outhouse that says like

Prince Milk Nip sucks, loser says what, just all things disparaging him. Wait, wait, wait. Can someone read what that says for me? Nobody read it. We have 30 seconds.

All right. Here I go. Oh, God. This is still gross. This is where you talk about how you always do your own chores. Oh, yes. I always do my own chores. This ain't nothing to me.

Wow. Classic chores. Spray there, spray here, dig there. Rub my finger along it to make sure it's good because this is what you do with chores. And then you sing the classic chore song. Done, I am done. All right, give me a performance check for Milk Dip. And remember, he's got a minus four modifier

to basically everything. It is a 10. Minus four is six. So during that performance, anyone watching and seeing this major image cast would be able to tell that he's not actually cleaning a real porta potty because your hand is like going through this image that chalice

conjured up dang so i would be like this is clearly uh been very staged she goes okay shoot shoot shoot all right um well none of this really matters um we can explain everything that happened. And I think there is some really good stuff that we actually projected out there that people are seeing. And this is honestly compared to your typical day, Milk Nip. I mean, this is miles above what your typical day looks like. I mean, for everyone else, like, just to give you, you know, some context on this, we're coming off the back of, well, a lot of scandals with Milk Nip. I mean, dozens over. I mean, how many things have you had to apologize for just in the last, you know, couple seasons? Not many. Oh, hello, hello. It's me, Prince Milk Nip.

Just wanted to sing this quick apology song for y'all. Is it too late now to say sorry? Because I set fire to all the town's coffee. Sorry for burning all your coffee. Everybody, I'm deeply apologetic for taking all the citizens' dogs in town and trying to achieve the world record for longest dog sled. I really hate to apologize for this one, but I'm sorry I called all the giants in town ugly AF, but it's true. You know what? I'm pissed off.

I have to apologize for this, but sorry for making Frasier a Pepsi town. Sorry for dipping my balls in the castle moat. Sorry I called the queen a bitch. She's my mom. My mom. I's my mom. My mom.

I love that one. Yeah, there's been a lot of scandals. I miss Coke. Yeah, I forgot about that. That was awful. But really, I think that this whole escapade we have going on right here is going to live or die

by the speech, alright? That's what's going to connect. Okay, so let's pull out all the stops here, guys. And let's do everything we can because one good speech can change everything and create a leader. And we need the people to buy in now. That was a good speech. Yours needs to be better. Okay.

I'm going to get the stage prepped, and we'll let this thing go. Also, Chip, he still needs to rip it on the guitar. Yeah, I'll set up the amp and make sure he's good to go in terms of guitar. All right, let's warm up before the speech. Repeat after me. Da-fa-lay-fa-ro.

Da-fa-lay-fa-ro. Da-fa-lay-fa-ro. Pizza-pa-lay. Pizza-pa-lay. Simmer-a, simmer-a, simmer-a-hoo. Simmer-a, simmer-a, simmer-a-hoo. You're as good as it's ever going to get. What am I not doing right? You're as good as it's ever going to get. Get on stage.

As Milk Nip is moving towards the stage now, Seb, you remember that you hadn't come up with a slogan for him yet to get kind of the people bought in that he's a man of the people and on their side. So what have you got? Let's Milk Nip it in the butt. In the butt? Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. And I know it's, yes. yeah yeah that's what i said and i know it's yes okay so you hand out a bunch of posters to everyone in the audience who are kind of confused looking at it and then they're like paid to you know hold it up and it says let's milk nip this in the butt and we cut to milk nip taking the stage i'm assuming wearing a guitar uh amp plugged in uh have we dressed him in a certain way for this big speech?

I assume he's dressed like Prince. Like in Die Hard. Yeah, Diane, Keaton, and Prince. Damn, we really outdid ourselves, guys. We did a good job. And the audience after chanting, Milk the butt, milk the butt. They kind of got confused about the slogan.

chanting milk the butt milk the butt they kind of got confused about the slogan um and there's a thick layer of fog at his feet as he steps out into a single magical beam of light shining down on him and he just readies his guitar Hello, everyone. I know in the past I've made mistakes. And it's often because I thought I was better than you people. And if today has proven anything, it's that I f***ing am. Y'all suck. So much you all smell like puke. Chalice starts doing like the baseball hand signals, being like, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah, I can't wait to be king. Some of y'all are going to die and stuff. Probably starve. I honestly don't care. I may erect three more reality shows to kill you all off. What? Chalice is going to run up on stage and tackle him, I think. Yeah, give me an athletics check.

And you, as this is happening, you see that Jackal just does a face palm as Milk Nip tosses the note cards that she had written for him to the ground. I rolled a 15. Okay, you tackle Prince Milk Nip off the stage, like essentially back into the green room behind the stage. Immediately, the door kind of like swings backwards from the backwards momentum shut. But you hear a bunch of like thudding on the stage wall behind you now that you guys are in the green room because people are just booing and screaming and hissing and throwing vegetables

and are getting pretty rowdy. Clearly, the crowd has turned. Ah, chow. What the hell was that? Oh, this is not going to work because it's not authentically coming from you anyway. You're just a puppet. You have always been a puppet. You're not going to actually change, and it's not going to actually work. Oh, come on. I know what you're trying to do.

You just want the throne for yourself. It will work. Milk nip it in the butt? Come on. You can't think of anything better than that. Okay, first of all, I don't want to rule Fraszier. I never have. Sounds horrible. And if you do, that's great. That's awesome. That's all you. And I'm not going to stand in your way, but can I just tell you something? I am so frustrated that you don't see what I see.

Dad is the problem. He has always been the problem. Okay. He's compared us. He's pinned us against each other. has poisoned you he made you really weird unbearably weird and now that i'm out of my own and maybe if we clear the air i don't know maybe we can i don't know we can connect and have a real relationship i lean in to kiss chalice no no no you're misreading this God. Okay. I'm not gunning for the throne. I'm not lying to you. And if you love me, I might need to call in a favor later in the season. I might need your help.

Do you think I'd make a good king? And Chalice's face softens, and she puts a hand on his shoulder. No. Not even a little bit. But you could. You could. You could. How? It seems so hard. Well, you know what? Just think about what dad would do and then do the opposite thing. You could actually make things better. And you know what? Not just for you and people who are rich like us.

You could make things better for people like the couple from before and the cockroach person. You could make things better for Beef and Seb and Chip and people like us. Not just for yourself, but be a man of the people. Be for everybody. Let's milk nip it in the butt then. Seb is going nuts. Yes! You actually see that the side door to the green room was open and that the

jackal was there and they were actually capturing that moment. Spielberg's there. And that moment was being broadcast to everyone. And you hear from outside a chant start up from all the people, but instead it's jealous, jealous, jealous. And we just starts cheering, woo! They could totally read the authenticity of that,

and like almost like, you know, that it seemed like it was for no one except for him. And we see, we actually like go into the homes of other people who have the dish, and are starting to like clap and stand at their, at their image on their wall as well. And like, Oh yeah.

Okay. It's the real deal. You weasel. Oh, you weasel. I took you seriously right there. And I almost kissed you. And I almost kissed you.

I didn't want you to. That wasn't, I don't want that. Yeah. Oh, I, you're a wolf in sheep's clothing, child.

I swear I will get the throne and I will be back. And you may not even be living some, you may not be living. That's how mad I am. I'm not, I don't find you attractive anymore. Ah, good. And I'm mad at you. Get out, go, just go.

And Chalice throws herself down on the ground because that, he might be her only hope for getting the blood of a family member that loves her. Ah, you suck. And you three. What? Thanks for trying. Oh, yeah. No problem.

Yeah, we tried. Yeah, we all tried equally. It was super helpful. Yeah, I really loved our dynamic. And God, it just sucks we couldn't keep going I was going to make you all on my campaign team I was going to get you all on it

I was going to pay you all real well These are my friends No they aren't In this moment I can see how they're related And then Jacqueline and Spielberg kind of like follow as Milk Dips like storms out and people are like throwing tomatoes and old, you know, refuse at him.

And as you guys kind of gather up together, the Jackal comes up to you, Chalice, before you reconnect with the rest of the gang and goes, hey, just so you with the rest of the gang and goes, Hey, just so you know, none of this was an accident today. When you're ready to get serious, here's my card. There's a small flame and a card with her name and address up here. And she winks at you and heads out of Bottoms Up.

Chalice reads the card and then tries to communicate to Jennifer through the hand symbols what just happened. What is that? That's nothing to me! Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keaton, Philippe Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and

Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And of course, we were joined by the wickedly talented Jesse Kendall. You can catch more of Jesse on TikTok, Instagram, and Jesse underscore Kendall, where he puts out incredibly funny content all the time.

Check him out, and you will not be disappointed. I promise. And y'all, I got to tell you right now is a great time to check out our Patreon for real. The supports from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It is how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 85 hours of content instantly. Wow. Five bucks and you can listen to 85 hours of stuff all that month. Insane. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is Chips Snips, where we get a peek inside Chips Barbershop that he runs in Frasier. Or at least that's what I think it is.

I was the only one who missed this recording, but I have not stopped hearing about how fun and insane this was from the rest of the gang. So I'm as excited as you for this one. Just sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. Just sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D&D. This is where you can get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future guests, see our favorite pull quotes from that week's episode, get hot and spicy memes relating to the show, and see new character drawings by Waleed. Okay, I think that's it for now.

Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.