SitcomD&D - S5 E10: Sebaration Anxiety

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

EMOTIONAL WARNING: Ben has decided that this will be his final episode, but we still love him the most. He will be missed.Fed up with the barrage of unfair laws recently passed in Frence, the BUGs force a meeting with the Mayor to complain. But this meeting gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Be careful what you wish for."Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. been here so Ben whenever you're ready take the floor so I'm a little bit sneezy today so just kind of pay attention to that um this is where I get uh the opportunity to say that uh today's episode will be my last episode as a recurring member or you know a daily member of this podcast it's been a wild ride it It's been really, really fun. But, yeah, I mean, life's coming in fast and everything, and I just got to move on to other things. And I wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything, and I love you guys.

And honestly— We love you, Ben! We love you, Ben! Don't do it, Ben. Oh, man. Elizabeth's in denial. Been in denial the whole time since Ben told us. Also, I just know how we've just been such bullshit for the last three years that everyone probably thinks this is a bit.

And honestly, we deserve that. Yeah. Yeah. This is not a bit. Not a bit. Not a bit. Unfortunately, not a bit. I started off with a bit about the sneezing, but then I moved into real zone very, very quickly.

This is what I need, and it's really hard because I love all of you, and I love this podcast and all that it's grown into, and the times that I get to spend with you guys, and I think it's going to be a weird time. How much do you think you're gonna listen to this podcast once you're gone? Maybe more.

Because like I'm... He hasn't listened to a single episode. No, Ivy doesn't know what's happened. I will say I am pretty behind and I do find myself combating going in and listening because I do not like the sound of my own voice.

I go, I sound like that. Well, the future episodes will be easy for you to listen to. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to be laughing. I'm going to be playing. I'll play it in the car. Mara's never heard it. So like, you know.

Oh, a little young, don't you think? Sorry for all those baby listeners out there. I mean, we bleep stuff out. I've shown her The Sopranos, so it's all good. They don't bleep stuff out of that. I know. That's the kind of parent I am, all right? And yeah,

I'm going to have to reckon with that. But yeah, I love you guys, and this is my last one. Should we take Seb for one last ride? Let's take him for one last ride. Yeehaw. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today.

We're picking up in Bottoms Up. And some things maybe have changed in the air since last episode, Chip and Chalice were finally intimate. I don't know what you're talking about, DM. Okay. Well, there's 10 minutes of audio that we could not release. It was too explicit, but it did happen. But for all other intents and purposes,

it is a normal day. So why don't we just get quiet on set and have the sound speeding because we're rolling. Yes! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Peep at the Noble Bottoms Up.

As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends! Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant,

and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Submit, my bottle landed on you, so you have to give me a kiss. Okay, well, you better get him while you can. What do you mean? Nothing. Good morning, you guys. Oh, my God.

Have you been playing Spin the Bottle since last night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just Beef and I. What's you mean? Nothing Good morning, guys Oh my god, have you been playing spin the bottle since last night? Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, just Beef and I, what's going on? Oh my gosh Yeah Okay, that's great They won't let me play, Chalice You're too competitive and you keep yelling at us, alright?

These are supposed to be sweet kisses Cowards! Play for keeps! Hey, Chalice, How you doing this morning? I'm fine. Yeah, yeah. Bling, bling, bling, bling. Ooh. Does anybody want any coffee?

I'm making coffee. Oh, my gosh. Generosity. Yeah. Damn, she should get, you know, more often. Na, na, na, na, dee, da, da, da. Coffee, you know, more often My God, is she cleaning right now? She's got mops as skates And she's just kind of, oh my God

She's putting cleaning fluids into the coffee pot She's not really paying attention to what she's doing I'm in love Don't drink that, B Okay paying attention to what she's doing. I'm in love. Don't drink that, B. Okay. So what are we doing today, gang? Getting up to some shenanigans?

Seb, you wanted to get to building those shelves today, right? You've been wanting to get those done since you opened up the bar. Yeah. Today's probably a really good day to finally get them. Yeah, let's go. Let's do that. Let's build shelves. It's no trying to get milk from a centaur or. Hey, hey, hey, just finished up building those shelves.

You know, I got up early this morning and I thought I'd do something good for my best bud in the whole wide world. So I, I know you've been talking about for a couple of years, but Sam, I built you your shelves that you always wanted to build. Whoa, sex did this? This is what sex did? Good morning, BB. Good morning, BB. I'm in

love. Wait, don't sing, don't sing, don't sing. Smoke humanoids up here next to you and almost grab you. Oh, I forgot. Oh my god. That was close. That was close. Knock, knock, knock. You've got company. Oh, my God. That was close. That was close. Knock, knock, knock.

You've got company. Hi, everybody. It's me, John the Crier. Let's kill him today. Yeah, today's the day. Today's the day. Guys, stop joking about me. It's not nice, especially to my face.

I just have to say my piece, and then I'll be gone, okay? There's a lot of- What do you mean, joking? Yeah, we're not- There's no joke. Oh, my God. That's so crazy for you to say my piece and then I'll be gone. Okay? There's a lot of... What do you mean joking? Yeah, we're not... There's no joke. My God, that's so crazy for you to say. And just so you know, John the Crier, you

tried to stop two lovers and they blasted through. Alright? We blasted through. I'm not trying to do anything. It's just a messenger. Have you ever heard of the saying, don't shoot the messenger? Idiots.

I shoot him with an arrow. Yeah. Are you serious? Was that real? I missed, though. It was real, but I do miss. Let me just read these. Yeah, what do you got for us today?

Okay. The first law is... I'm really bored, so I'm actually pretty excited to see what this is going to be. I had nothing planned for today. Yeah, the shelves are done, so it's kind of like... Oh, you guys going to do that? Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, it works.

They weren't going to be level, and then I was going to have to blame myself about that. Now I can blame you. Guys, I don't have a strong voice. You have to be quiet when i'm trying to make announcements were you talking just get through it john if you've done any new work at your establishment parentheses like building shelves and parentheses it has to be inspected and approved otherwise you're shut down that's law one what and these aren targeted. Law two is if your name is bottoms up,

then you have to shut down for indefinitely. End of law. What? Um, law three. If you have employees by the name Chip, Chow, Beef, Seb, or Jennifer, then you have to be shut down for a while. What? And these are all signed

and notarized by the mayor, okay? So don't look at me. Okay, these are targeted. You just saying that they're not targeted doesn't make them not targeted. I was told they're not targeted. How are they not targeted? Beef is the only beef that works out of bottom zone. I'm the only beef. I'm just beef. And I'm one

of two. Okay, guys, I don't know. They're signed by the mayor. They're put into law by the mayor. I don't have control. You know what? And Beef dons a Karen wig, and he slowly turns on the stool, and he says, I want to speak to your manager.

You mean the mayor? Yes. I want to speak to the mayor. Okay. I don't have any control over that. You could go see him in his offices, but he's pretty busy. I'm never even really speak to the mayor. Okay. I don't have any control over that. You could go see him in his offices, but he's pretty busy. I'm never even really able to see him. He won't even write me a letter of recommendation for law school.

I've worked there for two years. And hey, John, I don't want to have to say this again. We don't want to get to know more about you, all right? We really don't want to get to know more about you, all right? We really don't want to get to know more about you. I'm pissed. I'm done. I think we should go speak to the mayor.

I think we kill John the Crier and then we go see the mayor. Oh, yeah, we can do that. Take us to the mayor, John. Take us to the mayor. Run, run. Run towards the mayor

and we'll chase you. Okay, okay, follow me. Go, go. Oh, my God, stop chasing me. Go, go. Where are you? Come out to play, yay. We chase into the mayor's office.

Hi, these are some people who'd like to speak with the mayor. Let's see, I believe the mayor is having his afternoon siesta right now. Wake him up! Wake him up! You cannot just barge in like this. You want to bet? I barge in like that. Ooh, yowls.

Okay, you barge into the office, and there is a large leather chair facing away from a desk, and on the desk sits a nameplate that says, Mayor Nays. a desk and on the desk sits a nameplate that says mayor nays and the chair slowly turns to reveal a middle-aged human man with longer almost shoulder length flowing curly hair slicked back that is kind of blondish but starting to gray and he looks at you like he was almost expecting you to come in. He is unfazed and unflapped. Wakey, wakey. I'm awake.

We got some business for you, sir. We've got some problems and concerns. You got some business for mayonnaise? Lay it on him. You know exactly who we are. Let's not play games here. We're the bug gang. No, we're just the bugs.

Oh my God, it's coming out of Aaron's mouth. For the first time, I think. You think, clearly. I had never said it before, and I forgot that the G in bugs means gang. Well, I mean, no offense, but it sounds like maybe even you don't know who you are. You know exactly who I am. I'm former Princess Chalice, bitch. Get him, Trollis. Get him! I don't like that kind of language in my house.

Oh, what is that? Against the law now? What else? Being an orc? Yeah. Being a former princess? What else is against the law, huh? Looking absolutely sexy all the time? Yeah, what is that? What is next? Someone's been reading my to-do list. Who do you work for? Oh, my God. Who do you work for?

I mean, isn't it obvious? I work for who everyone works for. I work for the king. Chalice. Okay, how do we get you to leave us alone? Do we pay you? Do we work for you? Do we bribe you?

Do we blackmail you? Tell us what to do. We could kidnap you. Yes, alone do we pay you do we work for you do we bribe you do we blackmail you tell us what to do we kidnap you yes we can have you oh we could kidnap you that one said good idea slow down slow down so here's the thing what is the complaint all the laws the laws that are so clearly targeted at us that i had to get a hole a hole. Did you hear him? He had to f*** in a hole. He had to f*** in a hole. He got to f*** in a hole. Wink. I got to f*** in a hole, but I also had to f*** in the hole.

The words came out. I didn't understand the meaning at first. I don't know if it was the way you delivered it. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I f***ed in a pit. Is that easier for you to understand? Honestly, yes. Now, he stands up from his desk and kind of walks towards the window. Way shorter than I expected.

Yeah, tiny. He's taller when he's sitting. I have very short legs. Your torso is so long and your legs are so little. I have a swimmer's body. Is that true? I think that's a nice way of saying that. Now, if you've got a

problem with the laws, we could probably come to some sort of agreement. Oh. Okay. Fantastic. Great, because I did vote for you, so this is good. Alright. Yeah, Mayor Nays is not an uncompromising man. Tell you what,

how about no laws? Okay, yeah. We'd love to go back to no laws. Okay. Sure, get rid of them. Love it. I think so. How about, uh,

how about France enjoys its first ever Purge Day? Don't know what that means, but it sounds fine. We could throw away some stuff. Yeah. Oh, my God. A yard sale? That sounds nice. Oh, I love that stuff. Yeah. Oh my God. A yard sale?

That sounds nice. I love that. I love that. What it means is until sunrise tomorrow, there are no rules. Hmm. Okay.

Oh my God. Thank you, Mr. Nays. Yeah, you're actually kind of tight. Yeah. Purge Day has officially begun and he 300 kicks

Seb in the chest through the window of his office that is four stories up. Oh! Woo! Seb, it's a surprise attack. He rolled a 23

to push him. I'm surprised. Okay, so yeah, now that hits, right? Or is that how much damage I take? No, that's just a hit, and he's really just pushing you with his foot, like a front kick. Okay. You break through the glass of his window four stories up and are now falling, well, to your death. Seb! I'm going to jump after him for feather fall.

No, I'm going to say pickle. Pickle! And I jump out the window, and my cape comes to me, and I'm going to fly. Pickle! And I jump out the window and my cape comes to me and I'm gonna fly right to Seb. Okay. Chip, assuming that Beef was going to do feather fall, jumps out the window.

Oh! Now I gotta do feather fall. Okay. I'm gonna do pickle and feather fall. Jennifer also jumps out the window. Okay. Chalice? Chalice also jumps out the window. Okay. Chalice? Chalice also jumps out the window.

Hey, that's nice. So Beef has the ability to fly with his cape. What is Beef doing? I pickled, and then I shot down, and I grabbed Seb, and as I look up, I see the whole gang jumping out the window, going, whee! yeah, enjoying themselves. And so I cast Feather Fall and I swoop back up to get them. OK, and you all gently touch the ground four stories below the broken window above you.

And when you look up, you see the mayor leaning his head out the window. Well, it was lovely meeting you all. Hopefully you survived this first Purge Day. And he calls that out into the open town of France. And you hear a magical announcement ring through the town square as well. We are now beginning our first ever Purge Day. There are no laws, no rules, and no punishments dealt for any behavior or any act.

Enjoy yourselves. Purge Day ends at sunrise tomorrow. Yeah, I didn't listen to what that said. So are we thinking we're going to be selling lemonade at the yard sale? I think it would be nice to do lemonade and cookies together as a bundle. A little crunch with your scent. You guys, I did listen. I was able to catch a little bit of that.

I do think everything is about to go to shit. No lemonade stand? I think that people are going to start robbing stores and murdering each other. What? I would say let's walk quickly home. Everybody quickly, quickly walk home. No way. Everybody's so nice here.

You think people, that's people's instinct. I think people. We've murdered people on a Tuesday. Sure. Defensively. Not always. What, you think Mr. Pibb is going to come murder us? Okay, yeah, let's see this.

Hey, I have a lot of gold, and if you kill me right now, you get to have all my gold. Seb, I don't know if that's a good idea. No, no, no. Stick an arrow in my booty or an arrow in my chest. Hit me with your glaive.

Come on. Come on, guys. I'm being funny. An arrow whizzes past Seb's head. Get home, get home, get home, get home. We gotta get the f*** out of here. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. That arrow's supposed to go in his booty. Let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.

I stack everybody on top of me and I start to sprint as quickly as I can. Back to bottoms up. Okay. It is a bit of a jaunt back to bottoms up, but no longer than like, I would say a 30 minute walk total. So you guys are really hoofing it. So it'll probably take even less, but there's a lot to get through. So are you just going to take like the quickest shot back home or, or what's your plan here? Yeah, I think fast. This is probably the best.

Okay, cool. So you guys are on the move on a walk, walking as briskly as you can. I'm going to intermittently here roll on an encounter table to see who you may encounter on purge day. But in the meantime, we'll just see what the gang's talking about as they're trying to get home as inconspicuously and as quickly as possible. You think that people are going to really lose it? You think? I mean, maybe if people have vendettas against other people, I could see them hashing it out. But us, I mean, we have no past that somebody would come back

and be mad at us about. Oh, Chip, I think we do. You think what? You think we do? We've got a lot, Chip. I think we might have a think what? You think we do? We got a lot, Chip. I think we might have a list. I think John the Crier alone. If I'm just thinking about today. If Trixie gets out, if Trixie gets out.

Oh, scary Trixie. She's in a cage. Yeah. The laws don't stop the cage from being a thing, right? The laws don't stop someone from letting her out. I was going to say we could kill John the Crier no problem. Oh, good point. Oh my God. Run, run, run, run, run. Can we go to John the Crier's house?

Give me a history check with disadvantage because you have made it a point not to know anything about him. Damn it. That's my bad. That's my bad. I rolled a six. Yep. You do not know where he lives. Get home. Get home. Get home. Okay.

He'll probably be there anywhere. Piece of crap. So the only way to get back to Bottoms Up without really taking a huge detour is to cross a small but significant stone bridge that divides the town in half. Underneath it is a pretty significant river as well. It's not moving too fast, but it is relatively deep and a lot of cargo gets into town via this river. And so you're coming up to this very familiar bridge, but you notice that there are people on it and there's almost like when cops set up like a DUI pullover type zone, but for people walking by and for their carts and stuff. And it looks like maybe it's marauders or people.

They're wearing masks and having people wait in a line to get through across the bridge here. Oh, a line. Okay. Interesting. Should we be wearing masks? I don't know. A lot of people are wearing masks right now. Yeah.

I want to go ahead and just make some really quick. I got these paper plates. I guess. I feel like a fool right now without a mask on. Yeah, I'll take really quick. I got these paper plates. I guess. I feel like a fool right now without a mask on. I'll take a marker. I'll take a plate. Chalice, do you want to? I'm going to be a tiger.

Oh, that's cute. I'm a sexy little mouse. I'm going to be a bunch of circles. Love it. I'm a sexy little rat. Oh, wait. Anyways. Come on.

Beef, what are you going to be? A peanut. A peanut. Right. Why do you have a monocle, though? And a top hat and a cane. I don't know. It just felt right.

It just felt right. I've never seen a peanut look like that before. All right, everybody. When we get over to the bridge, lay low, lay low, lay low, lay low. Oh, yeah. Let's just walk by. I will walk by as if I own the place, you know, kind of just confident, like, all right, good to see you all. And just we keep walking. Love it. Yeah. All right. Is everybody still on top of me?

Yes. Okay. I still got everybody stacked. And I just try and confidently walk past this line of people. Okay. I still got everybody stacked, and I just try and confidently walk past this line of people. Okay. You successfully walk past the line, but when you get to the front, one of the marauders in a mask, and their mask is very simple.

It's just a burlap sack with eye holes in it, which is crude, but also kind of scary. They just go, Oh, you go away, line. It's a happy Purge Day. Oh, no, thank you. And I try and keep going. Okay, they try to physically stop you as well,

so we can do a strength check. Let's do it. An opposed strength check. Let's do it. Does a nat 20 work for you? Yeah, that's going to knock this guy right on his ass. Sorry, dude. Bye, baby boy.

Hey, what the? And his two other buddies who, they have weapons, but they're more simple weapons, just like a machete, and one of them has a pitchfork. Fools. They kind of eye you, and they're deciding right now if they're going to engage you in combat. Can I use my intimidation?

Yeah. And say, you don't want to mess with him. You certainly can try. Give me an intimidation check. That was a cute little giggle. I got a 16. Okay. With a 16, you see their grips tighten on their weapons,

and then the tension comes out of their shoulders. They dip back down. You can tell what they're thinking is, but we got a whole line of people who aren't going to put up a fight. We don't need to make a scene here. These are more easy pickings, and they let you go about your way. So you are now successfully starting to cross the bridge. Whoa.

Cool. We did okay. Yeah. We have these cute little masks now. I know. So far, so good. Chip looks like Swiss cheese. We got the fancy peanut.

I like it. I'm having fun. This is a good day. Oh, I think my name should be Mr. Fancy Peanut. Something like that? Yeah, we should all have names today. Wait, how about Drop the Fancy? What about just Mr. Peanut?

Oh! That's insane, and I love it. I love it, too. He dances around with his cane. Seb, why don't you give me a perception check? Okay. 15. All right, with a 15,

as you are starting to make it to the halfway point of this stone bridge bridge you take in a deep breath and maybe something about purge day just as you're feeling alive in the sense that anything's possible on purge day and things are going pretty well like you just said you're having fun and as you look into the horizon and you see the sun is getting later into the afternoon is starting to dip down in the sky you notice that it's reflecting off the water of the river. It's also hitting some beautiful sails of a boat that's about to pass underneath the bridge.

And with a 15, you notice that these sails look pretty familiar. They look familiar because they have the flag and they are flying the flag of the dreaded pirate Benjamin. Uh-oh. Seb! Oh, yeah.

Is that you? No. He's back. And all of a sudden, a grappling hook that is attached to a rope gets swung and connects onto the bridge. And before you know it, pirates are shimmying up that rope and are leaping over the side of the stone bridge. Can we try it?

It's a good addle. Or can I try to put a firebolt at the rope to try to slow them down? Yeah, Chalice is going to firebolt while we're running away. Right? Yes. Yeah.

Okay, you're like firing behind you. Okay, so you guys are taking off and shooting a firebolt. And what specifically are you going to be aiming for, Chalice? The rope. Like where the rope attaches to the bridge. Got it. Do you have to roll an attack roll for that?

Give me an attack roll then. 18. With an 18, it makes direct contact with the rope attached to the grappling hook. makes direct contact with the rope attached to the grappling hook, and the three pirates that were shimmying their way up fall into the water, either aflame or singed by the firebolt that you just shot at them. However, dreaded pirate Benjamin has gotten over the side himself and is chasing after you guys.

Run! I'll never give up! Run, Chip, Chip, run! I'll never stop chasing you to, Chip, Chip, run! Run! I'll never stop chasing you to the ends of the earth, Seb. Oh, my God. Can we talk about it or something? Maybe.

Okay. He's lying. Seb, that's what you want to do? No. Seb, I'm willing to stop. No, Chip, don't. Hey, listen, I'm down to do whatever Seb wants to do.

I accidentally built the shelves this morning, and I feel bad about that. It's truly okay. I wanted to do it, but I'm relieved that it's done. So, no, I think it's totally fine. You want to stop and talk to this guy? Yes, but that's mostly because I need to tie my shoe, and I need to tie Beef's shoe, because Beef doesn't get the whole rabbit rabbit metaphor and going down in the hole. You know, it's just.

It's shoes, not rabbits. I don't know how to talk to this guy. It's a way of seeing it. Honestly, this is why I stopped wearing shoes with laces, Beef. And I told you to stop doing it. I should be doing that. You're right. You're right.

We're going to get killed. No, no, no. Apparently they're going to talk about it. Oh, okay. We're just going to talk about it. Hey, Benjamin, let's talk. Okay. Okay. Thank you for stopping.

Now I'm going to kill you, Tappan. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? I'm sorry. For what? But I think that I, in a fit of rage, squished the head of your captain and killed everyone else that you knew.

You what? Seb? It's like not a big deal. On one of my violent adventures, you know, I went to assassin school for jazz or jazz school for assassins. Something like that. Why would you squish his head?

Why'd you do it? Was he already dead when you squished it? Yeah. I don't remember, but I think so. I think he died. Then why would you do it? I was so mad that he died not by my hand that I had to do that in the moment. Did you have an open casket funeral?

We did. It was horrible. I'm sorry for that, too. Seb, I'm trying not to judge you, though. No judgment, no judgment, no judgment. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Girls gotta do what a girl's gotta do in the past. You know what I'm saying?

Hey, man, I got love with you. This is a bad apology. I'm gushing my heart out. I'm gonna gush your heart out. I'm going to gush your heart out. That was a good turn of phrase. He swings his cutlass at your stomach. Does a 19 hit? Yes, and you know it.

Don't be mean, Sean. You know that it does, Sean. Six damage. Oh! Ow! Okay, you got that out of your system. Are we cool? No, I'm not going to stop,

and I bet a whole lot of people aren't going to stop until you're dead. Why are you just pointing at me? You have to die, don't you get it? You're going to die. Seb, like I said, I'm here to support you, but I'm also willing to kill this guy because it seems like he's trying to murder you.

Yeah, Seb, I think we should maybe either leave or murder him. Or kill him. Yeah, Seb, I think we should maybe either leave or kill him. Yeah, I'm with Chalice. I say we murder him, but I also want to make sure that we paid attention to the fact that he pointed at me and said several times that I have to die today. And he did say a bunch of people are coming after you?

Yes. Man, today's just not your day, huh? Well, keep our eyes open. But right now, I'm just going to try and kill him. And I swing my axe at him. Okay, give me an attack roll. A24. That hits. And, whoa, 13 damage.

Oh, okay. He is for sure bloodied. He is on the brink of passing out. He is completely subdued. I'm sorry, Seb. Oh? For what? is completely subdued. I'm sorry, Seb. Oh? For what? For not killing you earlier.

Okay. If you come over here, I'll end you. Don't go over there. Don't run! Don't run! And you see that in the background there, four other grappling hooks have gone onto the bridge, and more pirates are coming up over the rope. We got to get out of here. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Bye, Benjamin. Bye, Benjamin. It was truly nice to see you. And we run away. You can run, Seb, but you will die before sunrise. There it is again. I think we really got to talk about this here in a second, but first, Beef. Yeah? You got to learn how to clear the lines

on the beer and the piss, or else it doesn't taste very good. Oh. But that's your job. Yeah, but, you know, if I ever needed help, or there was, you know, if something happened to me,

you would know. God bless it. No. Okay. Let's forget about it. Let's just run. Let's skedaddily do. My God, we're trying to give me some work to do

while we're almost dying? My God, Seb. It wasn't one of... It's fine. I see what it is. Seb is facing his mortality, and for the first time, he feels like he wants to try and pass on some knowledge to us.

Seb, how many times have you faced your mortality up until now? Weekly. Every single time. How many times have you died? How many times have you died? None, but sometimes it feels like there's been whole episode concepts geared towards my stress levels or me dying. What do you mean episode?

Yeah, what are you talking about? You're acting wild today, man. I'm wilding out because a pirate says that I won't survive the night. It's a matter of how, not if. Are you close to us or far? Because we're still running. Far! I won't survive the night. It's a matter of how, not if. Are you close to us or far? Because we're still running. Far!

Sorry, I was going slow. Sorry, I'll take off faster now. Okay. Okay, so the gang is running back to Bottoms Up. While doing so, you are seeing a good bit of chaos taking place in France. Now, the majority are probably doing what you may be trying to do here shortly, which is just hold themselves up in their place of living and try to remain safe throughout the night and survive it. But what you're noticing is if even 10%, 5% of the population decides to go on offense, it creates a lot of chaos and a lot of people

doing some rather unseemly things. So you're hearing just glass shattering. There's places that you can see are smoking and already on fire throughout France. It is a lot of chaos already. Now, before you get back to Bottoms Up, I'm assuming you are going to try to hold up there. Are you making any stops for supplies or anything else before you get back? We should stop for, like, wood and nails and hammers. Snacks. Oh, and police things.

Yeah, snacks. And so many snacks. Thank you, Mr. Peanut. Yeah, thank you, Mr. Peanut. You're welcome. Oh, my God. Thank you, Mr. Peanut. Yeah, thank you, Mr. Peanut. You're welcome. You're welcome. Oh, my God. Look at those people.

They're making love on top of a cop car and that whole marching band. Oh, my God. They just have weapons. Oh, my God. You're right. We can have sex anywhere, Chalice. Oh, my God. We can.

We can. We can march anywhere now. No, no. Let's go back to the bottoms up as fast as possible. Let's go back to the bottom right now. Let's go back right now. As fast as possible. As fast as possible.

Let's go. Run. Go. What about the snacks? Shut up about the snacks. go back to the bottoms up as fast as possible. As fast as possible. As fast as possible. Let's go. What about the snacks? Shut up about the snacks! What about the snacks? You're holding my hand really hard. I know! I guess jigging Shaco things is being robbed. I don't care!

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So you enter Bottoms Up and it is empty. The lights are off. There's no candles lit. It is a quiet and almost eerily quiet space. Spooky. Spooky. Pretty tired right now, right, Chalice? I am so tired.

Oh my goodness. You're gonna do it! Don't let him do it! We gotta fortify this place! I really need you guys right now. I'm gonna keep my freaking eyes open over here. You know how much I love to bone and others to bone, but you guys, I think that's got to be number two on the priority list. We got to board this place up or else you guys aren't going to be able to have sex at all.

We got to go number one first. We got to get to the pee-pee of the matter, and that's fortifying this place, all right? Exactly. Seb is right. We got to get to the pee-pee matter of this poo. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the pee-pee and the poo-poo. I don't even know exactly what you're saying. Oh.

Just give each other a kiss and a little hug or something. Once we start, we can't stop. I was gonna say the same thing. Dude, that's opened up a big old can of worms if you don't talk about it. Lock the door. Or should I say a big old worm of can and cans. Oh my God, don't even say anything to me.

Don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Worm in cans. Don't even look at me, Jeff. Toggle, toggle, toggle, toggle, toggle, toggle. Lock, lock, lock. I think that about does it.

Good luck, Beef, Seb, and Jennifer. You guys are going to go upstairs? upstairs yes what are you gonna do oh they're doing it they're literally doing it they're going up the stairs oh my god uh seb why don't you give me a perception check okay or i guess we could call it a perception check oh pretty late in his career i know we. I know, we just discovered that now. The mileage we could have got out of that. Trade market, put it on a hat. My perception is an

eight. Okay, as you go to hang up your coat, the coat rack springs to life. And it was actually a person dressed like a coat rack. A little taste ofier on medicine. What the hell? That's my thing.

How do you like it, a-hole? It's just a human man with a dagger who slams the dagger or attempts to into Seb's heart. Oh my God. Oh my God. Chip, Chalice, stop it. Does a nine hit? A nine does not hit. So in that moment, I unzip my shirt,

and I'm wearing a Kevlar vest. And I say, I never leave this place without one. Who are you? It's Chalice, Chip. So you guys are grappling on the ground. Give me an opposed strength check. During this interaction, Chip and Chalice are managing to have sex twice.

Incredible. Very successfully sex twice. Incredible. Very successfully. Yes. Oh, for one of my features, I'm a grappler. You've developed the skills necessary to hold your own in close quarters grappling. You gain the following benefits. You have advantage on attack rolls against a creature you are grappling. Oh, wow.

So first was a seven. Let's see what else I roll. And the second is a 19. Okay. It is your turn. I'm up close and personal, and I am going to use Ice Knife. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm going to use Ice Knife. I'm going to use Ice Knife. Thank you., no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I'm going to use Ice Knife. I'm going to use Ice Knife. Thank you. Is that an area of effect spell? Ooh, good question. Sean is half right. The initial impact of the piercing damage is not an area of effect,

but then it explodes. Yeah. And the explosion is the... Okay. Maybe I don't really want to do that. Too late. No, maybe I don't want to do that. Too late, Seb. Too late, you said it. Okay. All right really want to do that. Too late. No, maybe I don't want to do that. Too late, Seb.

Too late, you said it. Okay. Alright, so I do it. So I roll a d20 for my attack throw. Does a 14 hit? It does. Yes! He's trying to push a dagger into your chest. You've stopped and grappled him

and slowly an ice dagger appears out of the palm of your hand. Scorpion from Mortal Kombat style. And it rockets out into him and explodes but all the shards of ice as it explodes off him also impact yourself as well.

You guys, you better get down here. Seb's being really sexy and scary. I'm coming! Oh no, that's not what we... Yes, well, hurry up, then! Oh, gosh. The piercing damage is a six,

and then since I decided that I should add, so it would be 2d6. You guys would have sex on Purge Day. We're allowed. We would. We would. You're allowed every day. No, we're not.

No, we got to go f***ing a hole. Oh, you're right. I forgot. And then there's a shared seven cold damage. Chip and Chalice come down the stairs in bathrobe smoking cigarettes. God, you guys. What did we miss? The coat rack.

It came to life and it tried to kill Seb and then Seb grew this. Seb is the coat rack. I'm sure he's just fighting a cardboard cutout of himself. I'm serious. There's a dead guy right here. Or is he dead? He's dead or unconscious there with an ice knife sticking out of his chest. Then who is this?

Whoa. It's not me. Oh my God, you're serious. Can we unmask the coat rack? Sure. Scooby-Doo style? Yeah, we prop him up, tie a rope around him on a chair, and then we rip off the coat rack costume.

Yeah. Should I roll for perception or history? Yeah, give me a history check. Ooh, 18. With an 18, Chalice, to you, he's semi-familiar. That's right You probably recognize me I'm John Stern

Patron, I'm always here at Bottoms Up Not ringing a bell This Bottoms Up? Complaining about the service And about how you're managing it under the ground I could do a much better job Are you thinking about the other Seb From the other Bottoms Up

That's like 45 minutes away No, John Stern Sebastian Von Hugh Grant Nice to meet you What's going on? Oh my, no, you're my nemesis Seb, you have a nemesis You've got a lot of nemesises

Nemesides? I'll figure it out Just finish me off Oh. Seb, you have a nemesis. Well, that's kind of fine. You've got a lot of nemesises. Nemesize? Nemesoodles. I'll figure it out. Oh, God. Just finish me off. Seb? Yeah? After you?

Chip, can you go ahead and finish this one? What if we just keep them tied up till the end of the purge? You know, that's a good point. That is a good point. That's kind of nice. We could set them outside. I'd be as good as dead. Oh, forget it.

Yeah, just set old John Stern outside. I'll figure it out. Okay. We set him outside. Untoggle, untoggle. We untoggle all of the toggles. And then we pat him on the head twice and then lock up again. Kiss, kiss, bye-bye.

It's not a matter of if, it's when, Seb. The door is closed. Can't hear you, friend. What did he mean by that? Man, everyone's like saying that. I am exhausted. Wow, again? What is the refractory?

Actually, Chalice, I'm out. What? I'm out of juice. Okay. I'll go upstairs and masturbate. You know where to find me. Erin! Erin!

Erin! Erin! Erin! Erin! Erin! Erin! Erin! Erin! That was Chalice talking! Oh my god, that was Chalice talking! I've never! From you?

Okay, we're gonna... We start taking up the floorboards and hammering them to the windows to barricade the windows. Okay. Awesome. I'm going to go down into the basement. And I feel like there's a door that we go for bar crawls through.

True. There's got to be something down there that I got to block. And I think it's that. But isn't it just a dungeon that leads back up to the bar? Yeah. That is true. But what happens if someone somehow gets into the dungeon? Well, they're f***ed.

They can't figure that shit out. Okay, well, I'm going to push a heavy table up against the door that goes down to the basement. Got it. What I would love to do is take inventory of what weapons and things that we have. So I take Seb's bag, and I'd like to try and empty it out to see what we have. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We have to see. We'll make a pile of weapons and a pile of disguises. That way we know what we're working with.

Okay. And what comes out, Seb? What comes out? Okay. There's a statue that looks like Zach Galifianakis, but it has a little placard on it. It says, not Zach Galifianakis. There's two steel drums. There's a big cornucopia.

There's three human hand grenades. Those will come in handy. It has a DVD live from the Purple Onion starring Zach Galifianakis. Kind of like a funny little bowl cut wig. There it is. I've been missing that. Sorry. I use that and I go to the movies

and I just be anonymous. Yeah, I know what you do with it. It's okay. Other stuff in terms of disguise, there's a barrel. Used that one before. A big spider one. Kind of looks like Shelob, but it's just made out of sour straws. And the Philly Fanatic costume. Good, good, good.

Okay. And that's it. Perfect. And 11 pairs of jeans. Looks like we got a lot to work with. I think we're good. I that's it. Perfect. And 11 pairs of jeans. Looks like we got a lot to work with. I think we're good. I'm feeling safe. I'm going to go board up the windows upstairs.

Great. Do not go in Chalice's bedroom. Well, I have to. There's a window in there. Well, at least knock because you don't want to. You just don't. Oh. You don't want to.

Yeah, because of. Sure, sure, sure. Okay, Beef goes upstairs. You're masturbating. Knock, knock. Come Sure, sure, sure. Okay, beef goes upstairs. You're masturbating. Knock, knock. Come in. It's me. It's not Chip.

It's beef. You almost said it's Chip. I did. I almost did. I don't know why. A bit of a Freudian slip. No, you know what? I'm fine.

I'm wearing a robe. I'm smoking a cigarette. You can come on in. You're done? Wow. What do you mean, beefy baby? Just. You're done?

I'm just here to board up the windows and make sure everyone's safe and sound in here. I'm just going to board them up. How's it going? It's getting kind of crazy out there. You know? Isn't it kind of weird that everyone's coming after Seb like that? Yeah, what gives? I don't know.

He's acting pretty strange, too. He was just telling me what to do with the line, clean out the piss. Yeah, I don't like that at all. Been acting weird to you at all? Yeah, I mean, he keeps kind of looking at me and tilting his head sentimentally. Like a forlorn mom? Yeah, I don't love it. Makes me nervous.

Yeah, I don't know. Something in the air today. Yeah, Seb, I get how keys work. You don't have to show me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But you got to jiggle it like this. And then if that one doesn't work, I keep an extra one under this mat that says, how the hell are you? Don't look down here.

This is a mat. Okay. Okay. That one is news to me. Did not know that there was a key under that. See? Very cool. I got to be honest with you, Seb. My guy.

Yeah? I think that there might be a chance I move into Chalice's room sometime soon. You know, with all the sex that we're gonna be having soon, I feel like maybe I need a room to myself. Why not just knock down the wall, alright? Make it a master suite, huh? Well, because then you're still there. Right.

Yeah, maybe... Yeah, don't do that for now. For now all right cool anyways anyways so like she's up there doing something crazy do you do you ever do do anything crazy to yourself oh we're back oh yeah we come down the stairs yeah we come down the stairs we're back we're here why i said that uh i'm glad you've never heard me. I'm going to roll on an encounter table to see who comes by Bottoms Up, if anybody,

to try to break in and wreak havoc. You didn't see anything you weren't supposed to, did you? Oh, no, no, no. Okay, good. She was done. She was done. She was done? She was done. Okay. Okay, good. No, no. She was done. She was done. She was done? She was done.

Okay. Okay, I've rolled on the encounter table. So we're going to cut to however y'all are passing the time as hours start to pass into the night. Welcome to the first annual Foursquare tournament. Chip and Talos are upstairs. Beef and Jennifer are ready to compete. I serve it to Jennifer, but it just kind of flattens her.

Ow! That's my point. Okay. Seb, do we have to play with Jennifer? She can't handle the ball. Every time the ball comes towards her, it squishes her. It squishes you. I know, it does squish me.

We're back. Hey, guys. Chip, you look like a sponge that's been wrung out. I'm good. I got so much energy left. What are you guys doing? Playing Foursquare? Can I sleep? Why are you trembling like that? I need liquids.

I need to hydrate. Get some electric lights in you, buddy. And I'm glowing. You look beautiful, Jack. I know. I know. Yeah, you do. Yeah.

This is amazing. Okay, so what am I? Jack? Jack? Yeah, are we playing four square? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I thought you were trying out a new nickname. What?

What do you guys think? Jack is a nickname for me? That's not a bad idea. Yeah, I mean, now that I'm thinking about it, it's muscly. It makes you seem kind of rugged. Yeah, like jacked. Jacked. Yes. it seem kind of rugged. Yeah, like jacked. Jacked. Yes.

That jack is jacked. That jack is jacked. I like it. Beef? Beef, Chalice, you guys want in on this? Chalice is upstairs again. My God. Damn.

She's got an appetite. You're telling me. Beef, I'm running out of juice. Do you have any supplements or hydrating ointments or whatever i'll give you some bardic inspiration i think i still have mine left over from last episode oh okay yeah you could use a little of that oh my god it's just i didn't realize how tiring it would be usually people have sex with me once then they're done you know and i'm back and as ship collapses on the floor something else hits the floor and that is someone wearing some crude armor as their feet touch the bottom of the fireplace inside Bottoms Up.

Santa? And four masked raiders come in through the chimney. No, I forgot about the chimney. Should have lit a fire. And they encircle the bugs. I'm going to use poison spray. All right, roll for initiative. 19. 9. 14 for initiative. 19.

9. 14. 8. Okay. One of the intruders is going to go first. You notice that they have what looks like some sort of saxophone-esque device, and they blast into it, and they hit some sort of crazy riff on it, and then a ninja star shoots out of the saxophone. Whoa!

That's cool. Yeah, that's cool. At Seb's jugular. Okay, what do they roll? Well, I'll tell you. Does a 16 hit? Yes, and you know it, dude. I didn't know that time.

No, I didn't. I would get a really low one. My armor class is like 13. That only does 4 damage. Oh, thank God. I'm getting low. I'm getting low. Alright, so I am

going to use poison spray. Sorry, Chellas. On the one closest to me. Okay. So it's 1d12 poison damage. Okay. And 11. Oh, boy.

Poison spray hits their face. They immediately drop to their knees as it sinks through their skin, and you smell the acrid smell of skin burning as they scream into the night. Oh, God. You're coming for me, huh? You're coming for me and my home? Holy crap. Sorry, sorry.

No, that was awesome. Jeffy Hot Hands. No. Jeffy Hot Hands. Seb, give me a history check. Jeffy Hot Hands? You two saying it. Am I hearing that right?

Oh, yeah. 21. With a 21, Seb, hearing that name brings back a memory like a freight train into your skull of none other than Jazz Assassin School. Oh, holy smokes. Oh, my gosh. Now the ninja star in the saxophone's making a lot more sense.

We have the drummer over there, and then... Oh, my gosh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Seb? Whoa. Wait, they're not here on purpose? Michael St. Michael? Oh, my God.

And Jeffrey Hot Hands? It's Seb Soft and Soft Amateur. Oh, terrible nickname. Oh, poor Seb. Oh, I picked it out. Seb Soft Amateur? That's your name? Okay, well, there was two Sebs in the class.

The other Seb owns- You f***ing maimed Jeffy Hottis! I didn't know, and you guys came into my home, all right? That's jazz. It just kind of goes, dude. He's right. That is jazz. Do you guys want to leave, or do you want to fight?

What are we doing? Not now. We know who you are, but you f- Oh, it burns! Oh! Heal him, Seb. Heal him. Sub, heal him. That's actually part of the creed of jazz school.

What is? What? I'm kidding. Of course I'm going to heal him. Oh, my God. Oh, man. You're not doing it quickly. I want to wash my hands.

I just had poison come out of them. That's not going to be good. All right. All right. I'm drying. I'm drying. come out of them. That's not going to be good. All right. All right. I'm drying. Hurry! All right. I keep going to the base of my eyeballs.

You know what? I could have just used healing word. I could have just said it. I didn't even need my hands. All right. I cast healing word. Yay! So that's going to be one D4 plus my spell casting.

So let's roll a d4 Chalice sneaks upstairs 2 plus spellcasting Get it girl 8 With 8 points of damage reversed essentially a lot of his burns magically

start to disappear and fade off of him and his face becomes rejuvenated almost back to perfectly normal It's like a bad sunburn had just hit him You disappear and fade off of him, and his face becomes rejuvenated, almost back to perfectly normal. It's like a bad sunburn had just hit him, but he is restored. Jeffy! Jeffy Hot Hands!

Oh, God, thank God. He's okay. Oh, God. Thank God. Well, that was a close one, eh, Soft Amateur? It really was, all right? I mean, we were zigging, we were zagging, we were going all over the place with that one.

It was some beautiful music. Man, so what are you doing here? Are you robbing this place? No, I live here. I live like this. What? He owns this place. He owns it. He's basically like our king boss,

huge biggest guy in the whole. Well, I don't know if I'm your king boss. I'm just kind of, I was the boss. I wouldn't know what to do without him. You know what I'm saying? He's our protector. You know? She comes down to the chairs. Who are you? Oh. Your nicotine

intake tonight is off the charts. You're going to get sick. You're going to get sick. I've grown up twice. I've grown up twice. I'm buzzing, baby. Anyways, can I pour you guys a drink? Are we hanging out? You want to help protect the bar? Yeah, how's it going out there? Well, there's only a few more hours, it seems like.

I don't even know what time it is, but of this Purge Day, so we got to make do. Well, let's start a fire because we don't want anyone else coming down that chimney, all right? That was pretty clever. Oh, let us scurry on up it then before you start it. Okay. We'll be on our way. Hey, Soft Amateur, great to see you. Bring it in, brother. Michael St Amateur, great to see you. Bring it in, brother.

Michael St. Michael. Good to see you. Jeffrey Hot Hands, let go, let go. I almost became Hot Face for a second there. Classic Hot Face. Good to see you, man. Never would have paid you for a barkeeper and owner like this. Just not what I saw for you.

What did you see for him? This guy was, uh... He had a gift. I don't know. It almost seemed like no matter what he chose to do, he was just going to be good at it. Which I guess I could see how that would be crippling. It seemed like he was burdened by

just how much raw talent that he had. Yeah, I get that. I don't know. It seems like you figured it out, though. Yeah. All right. Good to see you. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, they you figured it out, though. Yeah. All right. Good to see you. Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, they're getting sucked back up. Wow. Whoa. Whoa, they got sucked back up the chimney. I mean, the sound was the craziest part. That was wild. All right, now we start the fire. Yeah, we start a fire.

While they're starting the fire, Chalice looks around the bar and how pathetic it is and how disgusting it is. And she's really seeing it with fresh eyes. Seb, are we... Are we holding you back? From what? From hanging out? From chilling? Well, you know,

it sounded like you're holding yourself back. Are you holding yourself back? I mean, I don't know if I'm holding myself back. I've kind of resolved. I've been working here for a long, long time. We go on adventures. What the heck are you guys talking about? He's happy as can be.

He's our best friend in the whole wide world. We love each other. I just don't know if I'd ever describe Seb as happy. His life couldn't be better. All right, beef? So just drop it? Yeah. Chip, no, I'm thinking about this now.

And ever since I got here, this job has been nothing but stressful to you. And you aren't passionate about it at all. No. This is what we are. This is who we are. Chalice has the most clear head she's ever had from all that masturbating.

Yes. All that nutting. I've come more in the last 24 hours than I have my whole life, and I feel very clear. That's what cigarettes do. Smoke enough of them, clear you right out.

Seb, I'm replaying the last few years. This is not the right job for you. This makes you feel sick. This causes you to be stressed. What are you doing? You said it yourself, Chip. He's our best friend. We causes you to be stressed. What are you doing? You said it yourself, Chip. He's our best friend. We're going to hold

our best friend back like that? What kind of people are we? Hey, hey, hey. I'm doing fine here. I mean, it's probably not for forever and everything and like,

somebody's got to... Don't be silly, Seth. It is forever. Yeah. I mean, I'm just kind of trapped here. Not trapped, but like I'm... Stuck. Stuck. I'm just kind of trapped here. Not trapped, but like I'm-

Stuck. Stuck. I'm in a rut here. Yes, a nice, beautiful rut. Where I'm comfortable. A healthy hug of a rut. Nothing scares me here because it's all familiar and it's all kind of somewhat bad, but I can manage it. And today I knew we were going to end up doing something, whether it was the shelves or not.

Everyone from my tattered tapestry of backstory would come and kill me. But like, you know, we do that every time. That's every day for us, everyone. Come on. Yeah, man. It just seems like you had such a prolific story before you got here. And then we made it so much better, right? And then we just, we really made it so good and now he's so happy, right?

Is that what you're saying, B? Uh, no. What? Here, Seb. And Chalice runs up to Seb's bed and gets like the dusty crate from under there and grabs his clarinet that is also obviously probably a weapon and runs down the stairs hey seb why don't you try playing this wow okay but watch out there's going to be a bunch of poisonous spiders and a venomous snake that comes out

when I hit this no and the snake comes out yeah it is dead it's been dead for a long time oh Mackenzie no

oh my god Mackenzie oh Mackenzie I'm so sorry f*** they cut for an hour they've had a full funeral

for Mackenzie it was beautiful everyone's crying I'm wearing this black armband and a suit. We closed the casket. That was lovely, Seb. Give me a perception check, Seb. 19.

16 plus 3. With a 19, you notice that it looks like the darkest part of the night is over and the sunrise could happen any minute. Hell yeah. But with that, you're worried that you might be mourning the death of another pet because you see Cole outside when you peek through the boards. Coley-poo! And Cole seems to be in a scuffle with a couple other big marauders out there. Oh.

And it looks like someone's about to deal a striking blow, a crushing, killing blow to Cole, who's already pretty wounded and limping. In that moment, I cast Misty Step and put myself in between the marauder and Cole. Oh! Okay. Now, because of your timing there,

there is a larger person. They are wearing a mask as well. Their mask is just like an old helm that would have been worn by knights, but like over a century ago, it's almost like a historical artifact. And there are deer, like buck horns coming out of the sides of it. And they are coming down with an axe where Cole is. And then right in between it, Seb appears. And the axe is coming right for Seb's neck. And, well, how many hit points do you have, Seb? Yo, chill, chill, chill, chill! Is what I yell. I have 13 remaining hit points.

Oh, God. So the axe comes swinging down at Seb's neck just as the sun peeks over the side of the horizon and this axe stops about a half inch short as Seb's yelling chill. Well, looks like purge day's over.

Takes the helmet off and Mr. Pibb goes, That was pretty fun though, wasn't it? What the fuck? Mr. Pibb! Mr. Pib Mr. Pip! Are you fucking kidding me? I'm wearing bigger ribs as armor.

What the hell, dude? That's crazy. I didn't know I had all this inside me. I guess it must just go in some place that I buried deep down when people were cruel to me. But it came spilling out. What a fun time. Damn.

Wow. Whoa. Wow. Well. What a fun time. Damn. Wow. Whoa. Wow. Well, have a good one. Yeah, you guys too. I'll see you around. See you on the flippity flip. And he just walks off.

Holy shit. That was the bravest thing I've ever seen in my life. You almost died. I almost died. You almost died. At the hands of an asshole. He is an asshole. I was almost freaking dead You almost died. At the hands of an asshole. He is an asshole. I was almost freaking dead, you guys.

Chalice runs in and pours them all a glass of piss. Hey, Seb, man, I've been almost dead so many times, and you've brought me back to life. Hey, it's a scary moment. You really see your life flash before your eyes, and it makes you kind of rearrange things in your life a little bit more. Ain't that crazy when you almost die and it just changes you completely?

Yeah. It is crazy. I think you're hardly drinking your piss, Seb. Come on, we're all around the bar. His bottom's up, baby. Clinked our glasses. Chalice goes back upstairs. Yeah, that makes sense.

See you later, Chalice. Hey, let's play the game. Let's drink as much as we can until we hurt. Yes, until we hurt. Until we hurt. Until we hurt. Chalice comes back downstairs right away, and she's holding Seb's trunk filled with all of his stuff.

Chalice. And she puts it at the bottom of the stairs. Thanks, Chalice. This, filled with all of his stuff. Chalice? He puts it at the bottom of the stairs. Thanks, Chalice. This is what I needed. I think... What are you doing? Tell him. What's happening?

I think it's time for me to go. Go where? I don't know. Okay, well, we'll see you in a little bit. No, I don't... Vacation, sex cruise, I get it. I get it. This isn't a vacation.

This is kind of a whole change of everything, and it's not because I don't love you all or that this is even an easy decision. It's just the events of today and kind of just taking a big, long look with everything purged out. Well, what is happening? I've gone on a rumspring of violence, and I think it's time for me to go on a new rebirth.

I need to go on a rumspring of nonviolence or violence. I just need to go off and kind of figure out what I need to do. I love you all, and I can't believe that I'm not going to be here anymore. And I'm not going to be on these adventures each and every week with you all. But I think this is what I need for me for right now. And I hope you all understand. We do. So everybody get your stuff and we're going wherever Seb's going.

Yes. That, I get it. Okay. Okay. Chip runs upstairs. Yeah, he runs to his floorboards. He packs up everything. He packs up everything he owns.

His glass menageries. I understand. All right. Where are we going, Seb? Where to, Seb? Jennifer, Chip, Beef, I've been sharing dreams with Seb for a long time. And this has been building up, I think, for a while. I think he really wants to go off on his own

for a little bit, okay? Like you want to leave without us? Cardboard cutout falls down, and then I move into the doorway. Okay, thought about doing it that way. That would have been brutal. Really would have been very f***ed up. That would have been absolutely bad.

Really sorry about that. That was not cool of me. But Chalice is right. This is something that I've kind of known that I needed for a long time, and I was really just scared to kind of get there. But after everything that's happened, I know you guys are going to be great. I love you all, and I need to go. Who's going to be great. I love you all and I need to go. Who's going to take care

of you? Hopefully I can take care of me. And Cole, too. Of course, Cole. Yeah, bring Cole. Make sure you bring Cole because he's big and strong and he'll keep you. If you're going to take Cole, you may as well take Chip. Chip, how do you got to stay? But we're

so much closer than we used to be. We were in such a valley for such a long time, and we're just now hitting a peak. We're on the peak, and this is where we're going to be. And I'm not going to be gone for forever, all right? I just can't be here anymore. And I need you guys to keep it going, keep having the fun,

and keep the nuts and the cigarettes and the freaking all the weird things that you guys do, because it's been, it's made this all really, really special for me. And I've had the pleasure to have been stuck here with you all to have had the opportunity to kind of grow and learn from this experience and to get to this point where I feel that I can go off independently and know that you'll all be okay. And I hope that I can go off independently and know that you'll all be okay and I hope that you'll trust me when I tell you that I'm gonna be

okay even though it's not gonna seem like it for maybe a little bit Beef bounds up to Seb's leg and gives him a hug A second cardboard cutout falls over. Okay I'm sorry Alright? You bitch! You bitch! That was good I'm scared. Okay, I'm sorry. Alright? Bitch! You bitch! That was good.

I'm scared. Okay, I'm obviously lashing out. I'm going into my freaking cache of cardboard cutouts. Can you leave at least one behind? Yeah, I can leave a cutout for y'all. Hey, Seb. Yeah. You're my best

friend and I'm really proud of you for doing this. You're my best friend, too. Take care proud of you for doing this. You're my best friend, too. Take care of my other best friend. Hey, Seb, you're my best friend, and I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope I do, too, beef. When you interviewed here, I went, this kid's got it all. Now I know you have so much more, and I love you. I love you, too, man.

I don't want to let go. Seb, thanks for being nice to me when nobody's looking. I wish you wouldn't have said that. Oh, shit. Seb, you've been nice to Jennifer? Yeah, all the time. She's so cute. Does that mean one of us have to be?

I mean, throw her a freaking slice of cheese every now and then. She's really fun, all right? I mean, the voice, all of it, it's just, it's cute and wonderful. I can't help but be me. See, we're going to not like that. It's a freaking catchphrase machine coming out of that little rodent. If I had better catchphrases, would you stay? No, that's, no.

Chip, honey, you get out of his trunk. Chip, you can't get into his trunk. I'm not in the trunk. I'm standing in it. Hey, Seb, can we have one more drink at the top of the bar before you go? Sure. And you just have to promise that you're coming back on Saturday. Chip, I think he's leaving, leaving. Saturday is tomorrow.

Yeah, man. We cut to the top of Bottoms Up as the sun is rising and y'all are sitting with your legs hanging over the side of the building, kind of, you know, dangling in the air, watching the sun start to come up over friends. There's a lot of blood and dead bodies in the street.

A lot of glass. It is brutal, dumbass. People really went for it. But they're helping each other now. That's nice. That is really nice. Still wearing scary masks. Yeah. Wow. I'm gonna

miss this. We're gonna miss you. And we're gonna have to change the theme song. You bitch. We have to change the theme song now. You bitch. This really you? Yeah, this is really me. Quit honking my

butt. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I thought you were cut out again. Okay. Can I give you one more noogie before you go? Yes, dude. And I take off a wig and I'm actually bald. I've been bald the whole time. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Are you fucking kidding me? Stop it. Huh? Stop. What?

It makes me look younger, you guys. Oh, wow. Wait, guys, here come the tumbleweeds. Go, go, go. Oh, my God. Go inside. Get inside. Get inside.

Oh, they're taking me with them. Bye, Seb. Bye. Bye, Seb. They're actually quite nice. Don't forget to write. I will. We love you.

Come back whenever you want. And Tumbleweed's bump, Seb down the road with his case and coal in tow, into the sun is what it appears like because the sun meets the end of the road on an incline as it rises over friends. Whatever happens, I really love you. I love you.

Now roll me. Let's do it. Before Chalice goes on stage, she looks over at Seb and goes, Tonight's your night. Would you rather go up there? Yes. Yes. Oh, okay.

Plan A is? Asshole. Asshole. Plan B?... Asshole. Asshole. Plan B... Butthole. Is butthole. And C... Crap hole.

Great. Great. Great. I grab Seb's head and I shove it into the toilet and I flush it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Whoa, that's really good. That was really good.

Wow. You think I have womanly charm? Yeah. Oh my gosh, you have so much womanly charm. I'm a mime. I'm a mime. Okay, so I'm going to take my glasses off and I'm going to do that thing with like the bottom of my t-shirt and I'm going to clean them.

And can I roll again? Sure. That's amazing. I'm in financial ruin and my wife left me. This place ruined my life. A little whiny. First of all, I wouldn't s*** in corners and call it quality assurance.

You just s*** in my corner. Do not undermine my argument. No! And I do that thing that the mountain did in Game of Thrones and I crush his head. No! Oh, my God! What are you f***ing freaks in for, huh?

Oh, yuck. I thought you were on a sex vacation. No. That's starting soon. Oh, no. Oh, no. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Uh-oh. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Sean and Waleed worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an

excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure, from episodes like Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-world radio advice show, or Elizabeth's Diary Entries, where me, Erin, and Elizabeth do a deep dive into Elizabeth's real teen diaries. I love those. The support from our patrons is what makes the show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love.

So hop on now for $5 to get access to over 100 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is, oh God, Ben's Farewell. The cast chats and reminisces about everything we love about Ben and Seb. I'm pretty sure I cry in that one. So if that's an appealing thing you'd like to hear, you can check that out at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D to get in on the fun.

You can check that out at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D to get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and then the letters D-N-D. And if everyone could do me a personal favor today on Ben's last day, if you could go to either our Discord if you're a kitchen rat or go to our social media and maybe leave a comment of your favorite Seb quote or your favorite moment with Ben on the show or the Patreon. I just want to make sure he's feeling all the love today because we're going to miss him so much

and we appreciate him so, so much. Thank you so much for listening and we love you. How does Sean end these? Oh, he goes, okay, this is what he does. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks as always for listening. That was a hate gum podcast.