SitcomD&D - S5 E11: Desebtion (w/ Jordan Lee Cohen)

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

The BUGs are reeling after Seb's departure, but the Seb-shaped-hole in their hearts may not be left unfilled for long!Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, Guest Starring: Jordan Lee CohenTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast does everyone else miss ben good riddance no you don't mean that you don't mean that good riddance you're lashing out i don't care i don't care that he's not here anymore i don't you care so much do you guys think he's listening to this? No. Ben, go to bed. Yeah, Ben, if you're listening, just go to bed. No, we're great.

We're a great vibe as a four without Ben. We finish each other's. Ben. Perfect. Great. I didn't even do anything. I noticed. Yeah, we could all tell.

We could all tell. I didn't even do anything. I noticed. Yeah, we could all tell. We could all tell. I didn't do anything. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today. We're going to pick up inside bottoms up inside chip and Seb's old room. Don't call it that. Yeah. Yeah. Don't call it that. You guys actually,

since Seb left, you haven't left his bed. You've all just kind of made that your home since then. The bar is closed. You're not open it for anybody or for any reason. And that's kind of the status quo

right now. No future plans or moves are really in the mix and you're kind of just wallowing in it. So we're going to get quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're going to get quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world

to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day.

We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Erin Kee Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy.

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. A beef has a flower, and he's pulling off each petal. Seb's still here. Seb's not still here. Bed is still here. Seb?

Beef, you should try getting some sleep. You stupid flower. You're not going to bring Seb back, are you? I'm going to eat you. I'm going to eat you. Don't worry. It's okay. I'm concocting a plan.

I'm concocting a plan. I'll go get him back. I'll just go get him back. Chip, we got to... It's okay. It's fine. I'll just go. I came up with a speech, actually. You gotta run it by us.

Yeah, you gotta run it by us, man. I have to run it by you? Okay. Seb, what are you doing? What are you doing? Put your place, put yourself back into my heart. Bad start. You know that it was never my intention to hurt you did i hurt you

come back to me you've done 40 drafts of this is that not good this is just a new reality and he's never coming back it doesn't matter how much ice cream we eat how much we cry about it we should just keep trying to eat more ice cream, though. We should. We have to. Just because it might. It might work. The only thing that might work is if we eat a little more ice cream. Look at these pictures. Every time I do, it makes me laugh.

Look at this photograph. Kills me. Look at him with the stupid glasses. I don't even think he needed those. I don't think he did either. I think he had perfect vision and he just liked to wear glasses. I think so too. I think so too.

Yeah. Remember how he was bald at the end? Oh, yeah. That was shocking. Oh, my God. That was shocking. For how many gnocchis I gave him, you figured I would have figured that out at some point.

It was really on his head. It's no use, you guys. There's just going to be like a Seb-sized hole and bottoms up forever. Has anyone ever like looked in his closet? He doesn't have a closet. I just have the one closet and it's mine. I don't even know where he,

I don't think he keeps any clothes anywhere but that little that door right there oh yeah that's the seb door I'm not allowed to go in there that's seb's closet oh but he's not here anymore so it's mine now I guess we can open it here we go let's. Oh, God. There's a lock on it. Okay. Of course. Combination. It's probably my birthday. It's probably my birthday. Let me check my birthday.

Okay. While you are fiddling with the lock, give me a perception check. 19. With a 19, Chalice, as they're fiddling with the lock, you actually hear something. as they're fiddling with the lock, you actually hear something. And you hear something kind of being shuffled around or moved around downstairs, which is surprising since, yeah, the bar's closed

and y'all have locked up. So that's leaving you questioning what is going on downstairs. Did you guys hear that? Huh? Hear what? There's someone in the bar. No, everyone's at beef

She smacked beef so many times I'm so sorry beef It was involuntary Can I speak? It's okay I think Seb's back It must be Seb Seb's home

Out of my way Yes he heard my speech Out of my way He heard my speech We bound down the stairs We're rolling over each other And become a ball. Seb!

Seb! When you reach the bottom of the stairs, you don't see anybody, but you're following the sounds, and they are actually coming from Seb's office. Seb! You stinker. You son of a bitch.

You're back. I knew it. We continue rolling our ball of people towards Seb's office. Okay, so you are at the door of Seb's office. We open it. We blast that door open. Yeah, we blast it. All right, you blast that door open.

And, well, give me a perception check. 10, 15. One. Yeah, you blast that door open and standing there in the flesh is Seb. Hey, everybody. Seb. Seb.

Dallas runs over and scoops him up in the biggest hug. Beef's kissing Seb's toes. Beef's kissing every single toe Chip's checking his glasses seeing if they're real They're not I know it I told you How'd you get in without us seeing you

Oh I just walked through the front door Like I always do I can't believe you're back Actually I can believe I knew you'd be back Cause you miss us. Of course. I heard your speech upstairs. You did?

Obviously. Oh, my God. So you're back in my heart. I'm back in your heart, buddy. Oh, my God. Classic Seb prank. I love it. I love it.

That's your prank. You silly goose. Let's open all the windows and doors And have a party Seb's back Seb's back party What'd you even get up to dude Well how long was I gone Well when the tumbleweeds took you away

What was that That was like two days ago Yeah a couple days I mean time blurs we just mostly spent it in your bed Lots of tears. Yeah. Oh, guys. But in a cool way. We weren't lame.

Yeah, that's awesome. That actually sounds like it's cool. Yeah, I was in the tumbleweed, and I got kind of caught up in there, slept in the tumbleweed for two days, said, okay, this sucks. I'm going back to my friends. We thought that would happen. I could see that. Just what you you thought just what you guys thought happened that's what happened to me oh good okay well back to work yeah everything's normal everything yes

perfect i hate change i hate anything new yes let's open the bar yeah sab you could yell at a couple of us because we're doing crazy stuff. Oh, my gosh. Yes, that's so classic me. It really is. It really is. We're just going to sweep this under the rug, Sab, okay? So, you know, we're going to let bygones be bygones. Just don't you leave again.

Don't say bye and be gone. Oh, God. That one almost made me leave. But, yeah, I'm here. I'm here. I'm back to stay. Okay. I'm here to stay, God. That one almost made me leave. But yeah, I'm here. I'm here. I'm back to stay. Okay. I'm here to stay, guys.

The gang's back together. We do the dance when we're all back together, which is new now. It's a new dance. It's a first. We're trying it. It's not that good. But we're excited. By the way, we forgot to actually grab the keys from you

when you left last time. We've been locking and unlocking just with wood. If you don't mind unlocking the front door for us. Let me check my pockets. Hold on. Not that one.

Nope, not this one. God, I have so many pockets. All right, let me check this one god i have so many pockets all right we check this one what about inside my sock sometimes there's one inside of the vest inside the vest oh i don't have the keys i just checked every pocket there's about 80 pockets on my outfit oh you must have i bet you you did give them to one of us and maybe yeah i must have i must have left them here when i left uh the bar when you thought i left for good i must have gave them to one of you and one of you idiots forgot yeah that sounds like us that sound like us it was probably me it was probably me man you just seem like in such a chipper mood. A chip mood? No.

No, I'm just good. Just feeling good. They say actually letting a tumbleweed blow you around for a few days is like going to the spa. It's like the same thing. It really blows you around, gets some dust in your eyes, mud on your face. Just like going to the spa. I feel great. I don't even know why I left you guys to begin with.

I'm so stupid. No, no. Yeah, that's what we were saying. You said you wanted to find yourself, remember? Oh, found myself in the tumbleweed and came right back. So I'm feeling good to be back with my friends. Okay, Seb. Well, yeah, let's open up baby

And let's throw a freaking party You're back Now just do all your pre-Seb rituals That you always do When opening the bar Oh god Can we watch you this time though Oh you know

I like to do that alone You know how much I like to be alone So maybe you guys don't watch me this time Cause you know what like to do that alone you know how much I like to be alone so maybe you guys don't watch me this time cause you know what if I don't do it right you know but you always love it when I help you with the piss barrels yeah I feel like you always need my help with the ritual

at some point because you're not very strong oh yes yes yes yes good to be reminded of that you know what let's start with the piss barrels because of what you said start with? Let's start with the piss barrels because of what you said. Start with the piss barrels. Start with the piss barrels. What the fuck?

Start with the piss barrels. Seb, what the fuck is going on with you? Sorry, sorry. When you're out of your ritual for two days, I must have forgotten. That's it. And that's it. That must be it. I was out for two days and forgot my every ritual and kind of my whole deal and my relationship

to you guys and the things I do at the bar. That's it. That's it. I'd like to check if that's it. Yeah. I would like to also check if that is it. Same. Give me some insight checks.

Okay. I rolled a three. I think that's it. Beautiful day for a natural 20. Oh. I did bad. Yeah. Chip and beef. I think that's it. Beautiful day for a natural 20. Oh. I did bad. Yeah, Chip and Beef, you think that's it? That is it.

Yeah, two days is a long time. Yeah, I went on vacation for a week and forgot what my name was when I came back. So I get it. Hey, Stab. Yeah. Can I ask you a quick cue? Sure, sure, sure. You know how we share dreams, right? Yes, yes. Love that about us, girl. Yeah. Can I ask you a quick cue? Sure, sure, sure. You know how we share dreams, right?

Yes, yes. Love that about us, girl. Girl. Girl. That doesn't use that vernacular. Can you remind me what we dreamed of last night? What our dream was? Oh, well, you and I, when we dreamt that together,

what we dreamt of last night is the question. Hmm. You and I, when we dreamt that together, what we dreamt of last night is the question. I'm just trying to remember because I had such a crazy morning getting back to the bar that I couldn't remember the dream. But oh, I think I remember it. You and I were at the top of a mountain, right? Is this right? Not if it's right so far. Lucky start.

Okay, perfect, perfect. Yes. Okay, perfect. Like I said, and like you said, we're at the top of a mountain. We are looking over at New Jersey. Wait, we were not if that's, is that? God, listening to people's dreams is so boring. If you want to go do something.

Yeah, it was a boring one. It was a boring one. No, it was not. This is an imposter. What? An imposter that looks identical to Seb. Try to rip his hair off. Try to rip his hair off.

If he's bald, it's good. And if there's hair underneath, it's a wig. And if you can't rip it off, it's disguise self. Exactly. I'm going to use gust to see if that does anything. When Chalice uses Gust, just a big gust of wind hits Seb, and his hair flies back but stays on his head. Disguise Self. Disguise Self. I do Arcana Check to see if this is a person using disguise self

I rolled a 15 for arcana check You can tell that there is Some magic At work here In making this creature Physically identical To Seb Who are you for real

Did you kill Seb and take his skin Call me you didn't take his skin Grab him I grab the ankles Oh not my ankles Did you kill Seb and take his skin? Tell me you didn't take his skin. Grab him. Grab him. I grab him. I grab him. I grab the ankles. Oh, not my ankles.

God, I need those. It's me, Seb, for real. You guys are wrong about that. It's me, Seb. Okay, that's it. And Jennifer hops up and points in Seb's face. The Seb imposter's face. Okay, we have to just ask this freak one question that only Seb would know.

Last chance. That's it. Okay, okay. What's the question, guys? Wow. Really, Jennifer? I did like 95% of the work. That's useless.

That was useless. Oh, I've got a question. I've got a question. It's not useless. Seb's got an idea. What is it? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

Ask me where I work, my guy. And I know all... And the answer to that will prove that I'm Seb. And I've been Seb the whole time. Everybody knows that. This one's easy. What's the name of your dog? Oh, right.

Airbud. Airbud. Oh, dang. It really should have been. Who are you? Who are you? Review yourself. It wasn't Air Bud?

Okay. It wasn't, but do you have a dog named Air Bud? Please tell me you have a dog named Air Bud. Sure do. Really? Yeah, he's an athlete. He rocks. Right now, he's in space.

Can't stop that guy from doing anything. We went to space this season. Well, reveal yourself, or we'll torture you until you die. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Let me shapesh'll torture you until you die. Oh my gosh. Okay. Let me shapeshift out of this. Whoa, it's wet.

It's me, Moo. Remember me, Moo? Oh my God. We fell for this again. Yeah, remember when I was Seb? It's me, Moo. I lived with

Seb's family for three years. It's me, Moo. Well, oh my God, you know what? You were incredibly convincing this time. Yeah, and so last time we saw you, last time we saw you, you were living with that rich family, right?

That's where we last left you. You stayed there for the night. Debbie Handbag. You left me with Debbie Handbag, yeah. That's right. And after Debbie Handbag had just found her long lost child. Yep. Who had been gone for years.

Who I pretended to be. And that was not right of me. But. I think it was our idea. So that's not on you. Yep. Yep. But morally, I should have said no.

Because, you know, she was looking for that kid for years. And then I pretended to be the kid. Yeah. But. Okay. So she brought me into her house for one night, right? She didn't say forever. But I really wanted it to be forever. And I was so pissed that she was so happy and she was crying about this kid coming back. Get over it.

In the middle of the night, I shapeshifted into Debbie Handbag and told the kid to run away again. Oh. So the kid is gone and Moo got kicked out. Yeah, Moo got kicked out again. Moo cannot find a home. Moo is struggling. Wow. Yeah.

But honestly, after I was kicked out of Debbie Handbag, or I, you know, I keep disrespectfully calling her Deborah Purse. That's good. That's good. Yeah, that killed her. She hates that. But yeah, so I just really haven't had any place to be. Heard Seb left, said, I've been that guy before for three years, if we remember.

So I said, easy peasy. I'm back with my gang. Where'd you hear that he had left from? Yeah, I'd been watching from the window for a few weeks. Oh. And I actually saw him leave. And actually, he has the keys. Didn't give them to anybody.

Oh, damn it. Oh, damn it. Yeah, sorry. He even showed me how they worked. And then he just took them with him. Bugs, can we do a little sidebar over here? I need a sidebar. Stabbed.

Hey, Moo, we'll be back in one second. Yeah, absolutely. I'll just look up here. Cool. Great. Guys, this is sort of the most fun I've had since Seb left. This is sort of the only time we've been chipper and out of bed and smiling and laughing.

So, why don't we just give this a shot? You want to replace Seb? Is that what you're saying? I'm saying... Because that's a fantastic idea. Then yes,

that is exactly what I'm saying. I have a hole in my heart and there's only one way to fill it and that's with Moo. Well, here's the thing. Are we all on the same page that we kind of would like Moo to be Seb? Oh, and have Moo just pretend to be Seb. I kind of still miss Seb a lot.

That would be way better because Moo is kind of disgusting looking. Beef, I see you pondering over there. Well, I just, I did like when Moo was Seb. For a second there, I felt happy again. Hey, Moo. Yeah, I was listening. I said I was looking up there, but hey, I was over here listening. Would it be imposing on you if we had you be Seb?

I'm crying. Yes, I would like to be Seb. I'm going to turn back into him right now. I hate my body. Same. Same. We love Seb's body. Yeah, I love Seb's body too.

It's so much nicer than mine. All right, we'll all turn around. And then when we turn back, hopefully Seb's body too. It's so much nicer than mine. All right, we'll all turn around. And then when we turn back, hopefully Seb's here. Okay, everybody turn around. Okay, this is healthy. Also, Seb's bald and wears a wig. Just adds up. Easy.

There I go. Okay. And we'll turn around. Oh, yeah, Seb. You're back. We love you, Seb. It's me. Yep. Oh, yeah, Seb! You're back! We love you, Seb! It's me. Yep, it's me, Seb.

Oh, I love the kisses. Nobody kisses me when I'm Moo. Wait, I won't even say my name anymore. I'm Seb. Yay! Seb, can we go outside and have you catch my balls? Nope. Anybody else want to do something else?

I think it would be really helpful if we did a parent trap style montage where you learn everything about Seb so you don't mess anything up at all. Oh, that would be huge. I was thinking the exact same thing, Chip, but asked for that instead. They do the secret handshake.

This is your ex-wife. Mm-hmm. Oh, amazing. She has kids now and another husband. But the kids aren't mine, right? Nope. Don't worry. That's awesome.

Who's next? This is Seb's backpack. This is where he keeps all of his disguises and anything he could possibly need for any episode. Oh, amazing. I don't really need disguises, um, cause um... But Seb would. Seb would, Seb would, and that

and I would then. Thanks. Um, and if anyone says a joke, um, Seb would always say a really funny thing really quietly like almost like no one could hear it at all. Um, and it was always really funny and for him can you do that Seb?

um how about that? yeah how about that? a quiet little one and then something that Seb definitely really did all the time was just

kind of like be really affirming to me and sweet and kind. That's not true. That can't be true, right? It's true, I like G. It's absolute lies. Jennifer, I can't imagine anyone being affirming to you. I'm not gonna do it either. Thank you, you get it.

That kind of is like Seb. I get it. We did it. Oh oh my god it's almost like we're building a newer stronger faster seb this feels like like i'm a god like we're gods like we're oh my god and you are creating the new seb and re-familiarizing him with his new life. And actually, we're going to see a couple weeks pass as you take Seb around town, reintroduce him to his usual haunts. However, in those weeks that have just passed, a lot of laws have also been passed that are pains in the ass for the bugs, including there's been a syntax imposed on sandwich monthly. Are you serious?

What the hell is syntax? That's what they put on like cigarettes and booze. But it's just sandwiches. Is it because the sandwiches are so sexy? It's because beef masturbates to that magazine. Well, they don't know that. Actually, that's not true. Everybody knows that.

Everyone knows that. I knew that. Another law was passed that you cannot wear old wedding dresses any longer. Another law was passed that seems a little targeted. dresses any longer. Another law has passed. It seems a little targeted. This one might hurt a single one of you, is you can only introduce yourself using just your name.

What? No, Sean, too far. And as this montage of the weeks pass, and you see these new laws piling up on the table that bottoms up, John the Crier actually enters with a new law. Hey, new Seb, just a little rundown here. This John the Crier guy, he's really annoying. He comes in every day almost telling us something we can't do. There's a new law or something.

So we hate his ass. And he keeps diving into his backstory. So don't encourage him. Got it, got it, got it. Eerie, eerie. Oh, I hate his ass. And he keeps diving into his backstory. So don't encourage him. Got it. Got it. Got it. Oh, I hate this guy. Yes.

Right? I know. I know. Okay. Gillum. I just have another law and then I'm out of your hair. Oh, really? Shocking.

I just have another law. Did you fail the bar exam again? I don't sound like that. And yeah, I did, actually. That makes sense. It's because I didn't get any sleep the night before because I stayed up studying for it like I was supposed to. But then I slept through the first half.

I know! Yes, Seb. Yes. Yes, new Seb. Get him! What's the law? Okay, the new law is that if you work at a bar, you can't vote in this year's mayoral election.

What? Yeah, but it's not targeted, okay? You guys are always so paranoid. But these laws are affecting mostly us, and now we can't vote away the guy who's passing these laws on behalf of my dad? Are you joking? I'm not.

But I have been working on jokes because I wanted to be on this season of The Masked Singer. No, we don't have the time. Nobody wants to see you. Nobody wants to see you on The Masked Singer. It's not worth it. They don't pay you well. And he's shoved out the front door.

I'm coming back later probably with more laws. God, his vibe, his whole vibe, and I don't know if Seb would say this, it's coming from me, Moo. And he's shoved out the front door. I'm coming back later probably with more laws. God. His vibe, his whole vibe, and I don't know if Seb would say this, it's coming from me, Moo, and I'm sorry about that. His whole vibe is like farmers refuted, like from Hamilton.

He's serving, he'd not the rebels who serve revolution. He's just not the worst. You know, this guy sucks. I would say the worst song is Hurricane, but that's a debate for later, Moo. In the eye hurricane there's quiet we'll talk later and strangely my mange is the same oh my god go home shut the windows god damn okay guys i'm actually done i'm done i'm done i've actually hit my limit say you're leaving you're leaving too. No, I just think... Oh, I could be Chalice.

I could be Chalice. I could be everybody. It's a good idea. We'll keep it on the table. It's a really good idea. Just in case one of us even dies. It might be nice to have a backup. You know what real Seb would do?

Kill the mayor. He would run. He would run for office. We all run for office. Beef, you're so right. Yeah, if you can't beat him. No. If you can't. You have to beat them then. Yeah, you gotta beat him. He has the

disposition to go march right up to those people and submit his name as the new mayor and become the best mayor of this town. Then that's exactly what I'll do. If that's what Seb would do, then that's exactly what I'll do. Oh. If that's what Seb would do,

then that's what I'm going to do. I was going to volunteer, but I guess, yeah, I guess it makes sense to just have new Seb do it. This is a great idea too because now we can make the perfect candidate. You can disguise yourself as anything. You're a chameleon.

Yes. We can do this perfectly. We're not going to lose. Yeah, let's be honest. Seb would run and lose. And lose. Yes. This way, we can have you run, but as a winner.

Oh, great. So we can come up with a perfect candidate. That's amazing. Okay. Qualities. Qualities of a perfect candidate. Chalice, get out the chalkboard. Perfect candidate.

Perfect candidate rolls out the chalkboard. Perfect candidate. Perfect candidate rolls out the chalkboard. Affable. Funny. Perfect length tie. Perfect length tie. Always going to events. An event guy. Yes.

Social butterfly. An event guy. Social butterfly. Seb, does that seem like something you would? Absolutely. Absolutely. You had me at perfect length tie in love with babies right they're always kissing babies yeah but not in love not in a romantic love kind of way more like a respect way to know so respects babies and kisses i think

it's respect it's that hey i respect you little guy let me give you a kiss on the head. It's something more like that. Respects babies. I can do that? Okay, okay. An acumen for business. An acumen for business. Okay, we're out of chalk. Okay. Oh my God, we got to think of a slogan.

Oh yeah. Wait, first we have to figure out how you do this. Is Google at the bar? Yes. Google, now that the door has been opened, some people have come in and Google's there. Hi, Google. You have to say, hey, Google.

Hey, Google. Okay, Google. Yes, I'm listening. How do you run for mayor? How does one, what, here? There's a lot of places you can run for mayor. Here. Yeah, so to run for mayor here in france um it's a pretty

typical mayoral election in which you first and foremost have to announce your candidacy now oftentimes people will want to announce their candidacy in a big large way rather than just filing paperwork but to get the word out that's that's going to be probably what you'd want to do. And the deadline for announcing candidacy is tonight. Oh, that's today. Okay. All right. Everyone panic.

Everyone panic. Is everyone panicking? I am panicking. That's today. I am panicking. Oh, and just so you know, it sounds like you don't know a lot of details here, so you'll have to announce and launch your campaign today,

but in order to do so, you're going to need 20 signatures to run. Oh, God. Can I shapeshift into 20 different people and sign it? That's awesome. A signature can only be associated with an actual creature or being of high intelligence. So your same DNA signature wouldn't allow you to sign more than once. We got fancy ass signatures.

Okay. Okay. Well, 20 people, that's nobody. We got four. Can one of the signatures be seb slash moo you can't sign your own but other but your signatures would work for them okay what if i sign it as seb before i shapeshift into the politician i feel like i already went over this part it's sure sure sure sure okay okay we got 20 people I'm not worried about. You know, I don't

even need to sign it. That's how confident I am. No, we need you to sign it. You know what? I'm not going to because I'm confident we'll get up to 20. What we're going to do here, the mechanic will allow one of you to roll a D20 and that's

how many signatures you're just going to be able to accumulate from people that you know who are hanging around the bar your friends people you can just get to sign something for you so out of the 20 to start before you have to start moving on to creative solutions this is how many signatures you can drum up so who do you volunteer i guess i think jordan should yeah okay 15 oh wow nice okay pretty good okay five signatures yeah good thing i didn't even sign it you hit up mr pibb you hit up i mean you hit up regular joe uh you hit up everybody that you know that you could get a quick signature from Brad and Brad's pit

you've got 15 signatures pulling every single favor and every person that you know you still need five more in order to be able to run and announce the candidacy well can't ask Debbie Hanbag

definitely can't ask the kidbag. Yeah, you can't ask her. Definitely can't ask the kid. That kid's never coming back. We could go to the town square and try and get some, drum up some signatures there. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

And Chip, whenever you want to sign, that'll be huge. If it needs to happen, I can sign at the end, but I'm confident we don't even need me to sign. Love that confidence. If you sign it, yeah. If you sign happen, I can sign at the end, but I'm confident we don't even need me to sign. Love that confidence. If you sign it, yeah.

If you sign it, I'm positive I will need less than five. Yeah, yeah. But I think five will be easy. I think we're good. All right. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people

or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective.

And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So you all head to the town square and before you know it, you are out and about in the afternoon sun

as the commotion of the town square unfolds around you. Beef, you know what those wrestling shows when there's like a hype guy? The hot girl that walks by with the numbers? Wait, what? Sorry. What'd you say? No, I'm sorry. I was going to say, like, what if you just, like, got up there and you sort of hyped up

new Seb, did your thing, charmed the pants off of the audience? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Wait, wait. Sorry. Guys, we don't have a name. We don't have a name for me, for, like, the politician, for, like, the person running. I can't be Seb.

I can't be Moo. My last name is literally cow. What about Dick Romney? What about Chunky Monkey Butt? Dick Romney's cracking me up, but Chunky Monkey Butt sounds awesome too. All right. It's really a coin toss.

All right, flip a coin, flip a coin. Heads, Chunky Monkey Butt, tails. What was the other one? Dick Romney. Dick Romney. Dick Romney. Okay. flip a coin heads chunky monkey butt tails what was the other one dick dick dick romney both are great okay i'm flipping a coin this is for real thank god it's heads it's chunky monkey butt chunky monkey butt your mayor all right beef you're up. Okay. Chip, launch me onto the town square. Will do.

I'm going to try using my foot, and I place him on top of my foot, and I kick him. Kind of a punt. Beef lands perfectly in the center, kind of like Marvel superhero style. Cool. He raises his head head and he goes, Here ye, here ye, this town, gather, gather around. Yes, you and you, gather around.

Okay, the song is over. Everyone's gathered. Perfect. Just give me a little performance check on how that opening went. Oh, I think that went really well. Yeah, I guess we'll see. 11 plus 10, 21.

21 with a 21. A crowd gathers to see what all the commotion is about. You've piqued their interest and it sounds like something cool might be happening. I'm just an average French citizen. I'm just an average citizen just trying to get by. Who would agree with that, huh? Aren't you Beef the Famous Singer? Yeah, well, I'm just like you. I'm just like you. The laws affect me just the same.

And don't you wish that maybe it's time? It's time for something new. It's time for maybe a chunky monkey butt. I guess I do wish for maybe it's time for something new. Yeah, yeah. Well, let me just tell you, there's somebody here. There's somebody hitting the ground running who cares about your qualms, wants to listen to you. They're not part of the castle.

They're here for you. Have you ever had someone here for you, sir? No. Well, I'm about to tell you something. Chunky monkey butt. That can't be real. Oh, they're real, and they're coming out. They're coming out, and you're going to meet them,

and they're going to change your life. Everybody back away. Back away. Clear the room. Clear an aisle for chunky monkey butt. And Chip is wearing sunglasses sunglasses a full suit and has a a clear cord dangling out of his ear clear path we got a we got a candidate coming through oh my god is that chunky monkey butt the hottest candidate so hot so relatable no i'm chip

i'm chip his secret service. This is Chunky Monkey Butt. Now, real quick, Jordan, I do want to know, after going through the shape-shifting makeover, what does Chunky Monkey Butt look like as they take the stage in front of the town? And be thoughtful about this, please. Such a good question. What a gift. It's really such a good question from Sean.

Okay. Chunky monkey butt is 11 feet tall. Yay. Oh. He's a giant. He's giant. He has little round ears like a little chimp and hands and feet like a chimp. But the rest of his body is like a rip.

His butt is a little monkey butt. You guessed it. You guessed it. Yeah, it's hairy. Chunky monkey butt is totally ripped. Has like an eight pack. Definitely eight

because he's so long. And his legs, both of his legs are absolutely ripped. He's gorgeous. That's what I'm saying basically. Owen Wilson's nose, Luke Wilson's personality.

Oh. Honestly, good candidate. Great. Yeah, that's what Chunky Monkey Butt looks like and I think people find him pretty attractive. Woo! Make wave for Chunky Monkey Butt

has arrived. Ooh everybody in the town how's it going good good good okay that guy's good everybody else and there's just kind of like some kind of confusion people don't really know what is taking place right now this happened out of the blue where someone just said here comes chunky Chunky Monkey Butt. So they don't know what's being asked of them in this moment. can't be real oh it's real who said that it's real and uh listen i'd like to be your mayor i'd like to help run this town get some some of these laws that have been just bringing everybody down get them out of here who's with me yeah sean can i cast minor illusion to make it seem like there's some sort of spotlight from the heavens hitting Chunky Monkey Butt's face that it seems like some sort of magical moment is happening? Ooh, and can I give Chunky Monkey Butt some bardic inspiration?

Yeah, for sure. Both those things. So, Beef, what does it look like to give bardic inspiration here? Are you just kind of giving them some uh some backing music like you're playing an instrumental to make the speech sound a little bit better or are you getting in their ear and some words of encouragement what's it look like yeah i'm adding dramatic um music to the back uh round of uh chunky monkey butt speech and chip is seeking out babies for chunky monkey butt to respect. Okay, incredible. So yeah, like a light from the heavens.

It appears like chunky monkey butt is in a spotlight. And give me a persuasion check, Jordan. So just roll a D20 here. 20. Oh mama, A natural 20. Don't you feel so powerful, Jordan? Yes. This speech, for those who witnessed it, will go down in history. The equivalent of any famous speech in our world, it's like twice that for those who were there. They were like, I was seeing the world in black and white before this, and I felt helpless

to my surroundings and to my situation. But the words that you just spoke and the way in which you said them has the entire crowd feeling like, wait, maybe we are able to change our destiny, to change what we see as acceptable. Oh, man. Wow. I did not expect Chunky Monkey Butt to crush like that. That was absolutely stunning. And all we need from you is five signatures. And if you sign this paper

you get to be a part of history. You will get to say that you were one of the first 20 people to believe in Chunky Monkey Butt. That can't be real. Who's saying that over there? Security, get that guy that keeps saying that.

I get that guy. Can I get that guy that keeps saying that. I get that guy. Can I get that guy? Give me a perception check, Chip, to see if you can figure out who is the person who keeps saying that. A 19. Yeah, you know exactly who it is. He's really working over trying to make it seem inconspicuous. Okay. I kind of like muscle walk over to him.

I'm like, hey, man, listen up. He's real, okay? And maybe you just have to believe in him. Come shake his hand. You got a baby? He'll respect the crap out of your baby. Do you want me to shake his hand? This is so awkward.

I just didn't think that Chunky Monkey Butt was like a real name. Oh, what's your name? Alfred Penis. Yeah, that'll do it. Who wants to sign? A line explodes in front of you when you ask who would like to sign this. I'll sign it. I'll sign it.

Whoa. Check this out, Chunky Monkey Butt. CMB. CMB. CMB. Ohmb oh man what does that mean yes thank you all so much thank you for signing i thank you for believing in me you're the only ones who have ever believed in me how many signatures we got so many babies oh i Oh, I've shook about 100 babies' hands, but none of them could sign. I was going to say, don't shake babies. Oh, no.

Just their hand out of respect going, okay, good, sir and ma'am. The signature boxes are overflowing. Signatures on top of one another. It is good. You've got everything you needed and more. And Chip hasn't even signed yet you manifested this chip i know and i refuse to sign and i love that you guys it's almost the end of the night we have to turn in this this signature form right so that we can officially run beef i really like that

you've stepped up and being worried about time since real seb left. You're welcome. You're welcome. Doesn't come naturally to you at all. No, no, no, no, no. You're very relaxed. You're on island time. And so we're going to cut to y'all arriving at France's registrar, where they are responsible for keeping or registering official records, to formally throw into the race Chunky Monkey Butt.

And you walk up to the counter. You are next in line. All right. And I'm handing in all these signatures because I'm running for mayor. And my legal name is Chunky Monkey Butt. Here you go. Running for mayor. Okay.

You'll see we got all the signatures plus more. Not mine. He's a popular candidate that's going gonna really hit the box offices with big numbers huge numbers well right under the wire it looks like you have enough uh signatures here awesome so we'll just have you officially file here just fill out the scrolls in this paperwork and then we'll um check you in and have you entered into the campaign race. Thank you so much. Okay, filling this out.

It's really long. Okay. Yeah, a lot of paper. Check this. Okay, it's having me draw a picture on this one. Of what? The moon. And I did it beautifully.

Oh, yeah. That's a nice moon. Have you been? Very, very good. Have you been? I shapeshifted as the moon for like six years. Whoa. Two moons.

When we had two moons. Remember when you had two moons? Mystery solved. One was me. That makes sense now. Okay. I just heard you say you shapeshifted. Are you a shapeshifter?

Oop. You heard Beef say that? No, you standing right here. You just said that. Oh, no. Oh, people, you know, that's the thing. I'm so tall, people mishear me all the time. By the time the sound gets down to you, they mishear me all the time.

No, I'm not a shapeshifter. I am just a ginormous man whose real life name is Chunky Monkey Butt. And nothing fishy happening. Vote for Monkey Butt. Okay, well, doesn't really matter if you lie to me because when you sign at the bottom, any magical effects or any deceiving tactics you'd be utilizing as an individual trying to run for office here in France will dissipate. And I guess we'll just see what's what. So why don't you go ahead and sign at the bottom there then?

Hey, Chip, why don't you sign for me, my guy? You haven't signed yet? It'd be awesome if you signed my name right here for me. Oh, I think if I sign there, that would mean I'm the candidate though. Is that true? That is true. So again, it really seems like you're not who you say you are no i am i am i am i don't know what single thing i've said has made you feel that way

um but why don't you just write the words chunky monkey butt at the bottom there and we'll just see what happens sign it confidently yeah sign it confidently you must believe that you're chunky monkey butt there must have been a time where you really thought you were seb when you were living inside of his home sleeping with his mom you had to yeah so just you were sleeping with his mom i mean she's gorgeous she is she's gorgeous did she think she was sleeping with her son? Let's not ask questions we don't want the answers to. I'm sorry, I should eavesdrop. Yeah, yeah, we don't need the answers to that.

We're just snuggling. Nothing else. Just believe. Okay, okay. I believe. I believe. Oop, I almost signed Seb's mom by accident. Just thinking about her so much.

Okay. I'm Chunky Monkey Butt. I'm Chunky Monkey Butt. C-H-U-N-K. And with each letter, it's going from like the top of your head down to your shoulders, to your chest. As you're getting shorter and shorter and more moo-like. U-N. Oh no, my udders. Did you say M-U-N?

Just spelling my name. We never clarified the spelling, I guess. K-Y-B-U-N-D-T. Like Bunt King? Chunky Bunt? That's my last name. It's a family name. You're full moo now.

Wait, wait. I'm looking you all in the eyes, which means I'm not 11 feet tall, which means... You're disgusting. Hey, ma'am. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He was gorgeous a second ago. Yeah.

And she still is. Well... Thank you, beef. Thank you, beef. And nobody agreed. Oh, man. Hey, Bugs Thank you, Beef. Thank you, Beef. And nobody agreed. Oh, man. Hey, Bugs. Can I say something?

What is it, Chalice? What is it? I feel like we shouldn't be making poor Mubi anyone that they're not. And we don't really need Seb anymore. I know we miss him and we love him. But like earlier today, Beef, you got stressed about time. And we got somewhere on time because of it. And Chip, you had a costume out of nowhere.

You were a security guard suddenly. I did, didn't I? Yeah. I did get this nauseous feeling over me where I was really worried about getting something done. Exactly. I think Moo's got to live their life as moo moo you can stay with us for a little while if you want you can crash with us but honestly i think you should go out and try to just be yourself for a while what be myself i just want to make it clear that Moo kind of wanted to be other people.

We didn't really force Moo. Yeah, but we forced Moo to run for office. What if one of us just does it? We can be Seb without Seb. Come on. God, I'm just trying to catch up. Nobody's ever asked me to be me. I'm trying to figure out what that would even look like.

What I'd even do. Who'd I even be? or wait you'd be moo you would be moo with the globby body with the udder so utterly cute okay that was sweet yeah okay i guess i'll try being myself that was even hard to say wow that was hard that was hard That was even hard to say. Wow. That was hard. That was hard.

Hey, Moo. Yeah. You want to go to the diner and have a big old stack of cakes with us? I'd love that beef. Yeah. But wait, guys, the deadline's in like five minutes. We have to pick one of us to run for office. Who should it be?

Oh. I see nobody looking at me, but I assume you're all thinking Chip Ahoy. No, no. You sort of have a scandalous past. Because I'm a famous liar. Yeah. I feel like that makes me an excellent politician. Good commentary, babe. I love it. That's like a political cartoon. That's good.

Yes, yes, yes. Beef, you're charming, but I don't know how... What? Beef, you'd be terrible. Admit it. Admit it, Beef. Don't make me say it. What? You're too pure of heart. You're too pure Admit it, Beef. Don't make me say it. What? You're too pure of heart. You're too pure of heart. We need someone with a little grit.

Someone, huh. Yeah. Definitely not Jennifer. I just heard her try and come in. Earlier this season, we sort of tried to make rats popular, and now everyone loves rats. So, Jennifer. Yeah, tried and succeeded. Everybody loves rats now. Are you guys thinking what Jennifer's thinking? So, Jennifer. Yeah, tried and succeeded. Everybody loves rats now. Are you guys thinking what Jennifer's thinking?

Oh, God. We gotta get Seb back to run. No. Jennifer, sign the dotted line right here. Jennifer, maybe just you. Just Jenny? Yeah, I mean, I think you might have the best chance out of the three of us to win. Who would I run as? Would I just

have to be myself? No. Oh to win. Who would I run as? Would I just have to be myself? No. Oh, no. We would definitely coach you and figure it out and make sure you're good. Legally, yes. Legally, yes.

You do have to be yourself. But yes, we will change your personality and what you wear and everything about you. Good luck. I shapeshift into Jennifer and try and sign again,

but then turn back into me. Moo, stop it. Moo. Oh, God. Spray, spray, spray. Oh, ow, ow. Moo, we're going to be best friends. Yeah.

And Beef starts like kind of touching his udders. But like in a like, not like, I feel like it's okay. You can touch him, Beef. Yeah. You can touch him, Beef. Oh, Jennifer signed while you guys were doing that. Oh, no. I signed my name huge.

Okay. All right, let's go to that diner we were talking about. That does seem to be an oversight that just anybody can sign once you've gotten signatures. That's on me. I'm f***ed. That's bad. Yeah, you need to figure that out. It works for us right now.

When Jennifer wins, she'll fix that. Okay? How about you vote? A vote for Jennifer is a vote for fix in this place. Yeah, we're starting already. Well, best of luck in your mayoral campaign, Jennifer. Thank you, Mademoiselle. All right, let's take this team to pancakes.

Guys, look. Moo is milking themselves. Look. Should we be watching? Yeah, you can watch. All this love has made me so full. Yeah, but should we be watching? I know we can, but should we? Beef has like half of a stack in his mouth,

and he puts up a glass to Moo's udders, and he's like, yeah, squirt me in. Squirt me again. Start playing the music under this. Let's end this episode quickly before we see you anymore. Squirt. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Bansour,

and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song. Aaron and I worked out the story concept. And Sean Maher did the editing on this one. Keef Wully Bansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Marr did the editing on this one. And of course, we were joined by the wickedly talented Jordan Lee Cohen. You can get more Jordan in your life, and I definitely recommend that you do, by following her on socials at, you guessed it, Jordan Lee Cohen.

But if you want to see Jordan live, check out six-week Survivor show, Survivor Island of Idiots, at the Elysian Theater starting May 14th. Or Zaddy's Day, an LGBTQIA plus stand-up show at the Yard Theater on Father's Day, June 16th. And if you haven't heard,

now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon, ready for your listening and viewing pleasure, from episodes like Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-world radio advice show, or Elizabeth's Diary Entries, where Aaron

and Elizabeth do a deep dive into Elizabeth's real teen diary. Or Slow Tuesdays, where you get a sneak peek behind the curtain to see what the bottoms up gang is up to when there's no big adventure afoot. The support from our patrons is what makes the show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. Patrons like Bed Melinia, Beeb, Beef's Unnamed Sister No. 3, Bencyclopedia, Bebe, Billy Fenn, Bishop Vaughn, and many more. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 100 hours of content instantly. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcomdnd.

That's sitcom and the letters D&D. Okay. I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday. Thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HateGum podcast.