SitcomD&D - S5 E12: Net Working (w/ Jake Hurwitz & Amir Blumenfeld)

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Our 100th Episode!! The BUGs are attempting to send a care package to Seb when they are detained by two wandering salesmen - Although the gang would rather be anywhere else, they might have to hang around and hear out the full pitch.This episode is sponsored by NordVPN: http://nordvpn.com/sitcomdndTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I honestly thought this was the 1,000th. Like, is it really just the 100th? Oh my god, are we getting fired? Not fired, but Jake's gonna stay. I don't see a world where I make it to the D&D part. I'll be here for my plugs up top, and then I have to go. So I am at Amir on Insta

obviously that's gonna happen you got just Amir? no no no I didn't get just Amir that's an easier one to get I just got Amir I'm impressed do you think the other person will live to see 100? is the question

we asked the hard-hitting questions. Wow. No. Yeah. I would agree. I don't think we want to see 100. I don't know if we're going to live to see 50. Honestly, we probably won't make it through this f***ing episode.

Now that I got my plugs out. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today is a very special day. Outside of the world of our show, it is our 100th episode. Balloons, balloons. Spooky sound, Elizabeth?

Yeah, I don't know why that came. Okay, kind of fun. But in the world of our show, it's a relatively normal day. The gang, Bugs, you are walking through a wooded area because you are on your way to the post office. You're on your way to the post office to mail Seb a care package.

You miss the guy. You want to send him something. It's a nice size package that you got to go to the post office to mail. And it's a little bit of a hike to get there, and you're taking a shortcut through the woods. And that's where we're going to pick up. Quiet on set. Sound speeding's where we're going to pick up. Quiet on set. Sound speeding.

And we're rolling. Dice! Nice. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away

We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant

And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. So we're just going to guess the address that we're going to send this to? We have no clue where he is, right? I think we just put Seb on the front and we hope for the best. Very hopeful thinking, Jen. There's got to be only one Seb Von Hugh Grant in all of this world, right? I don't think so.

I think it's a very common. There's a lot of Hugh Grints. I'm going to remain positive. I do have a quick question. Do you think we've sprayed too much of our perfume on this package? Not enough kisses on the package. It is dripping. It's soaking wet.

I don't like how my pinup portrait turned out. I feel like it doesn't do my curves justice Jennifer, none of us like how that turned out Yeah, Jennifer, it made us all feel sick to look at Thank you Let's be honest I wonder what Seb's doing right now He's probably eating a huge piece of meat

That's my Seb, my guy Beef, stop spraying it with perfume he remembers how you smell you don't need to do this Beef keeps putting on lipstick and kissing the package and as you guys are making your way through this wooded area a couple of individuals pop out of the

shadows here in the forest and start to approach you. And they kind of have the approach of two people who are looking to maybe sell you something. So actually, Jake and Amir, would you mind describing what your two characters look like? Yeah, so I'm an elf with a buzz cut.

So tall, slender, but like no elven braids. Just, you know, that summer crew cut vibe. Oh, yeah. Tank top, jean capris, and Todd's shoes. You know, like the buy a pair, give a pair style. Oh, my God. Did you say Todd's? No, Tom's.

Oh, Tom's. Tom's. Yeah, but so what are Todd's? No, but you have Todd's shoes, but you're wearing Todd's. Todd's are you buy a pair, they take one from someone who's a little bit less fortunate. Yeah, so you have two pairs of shoes. You buy one, they've taken one from somebody else. Very cool.

And I have a hemp anklet. And I'm actually, I'm pushing Amir's character forward a little bit. Come on. Go ahead, Roy. Go ahead. And you can describe yourself. Hi, I'm Roy. I ahead, Roy. Go ahead. And you can describe yourself. Hi, I'm Roy. I am a Roy bot.

I am hairless, and I am nervous, but excited to be here. You got this, Roy. Go on. Thank you. I got this, Roy. Confidence, okay? You have to project confidence. How many... Roy, go... Yeah. Stick your chest out, Roy.

Okay? Stop wavering your voice. I am hairless. I am Roybot, and I'm ready to sell y'all a bill of goods. Oh, they're trying to sell us something. Just keep walking, guys. Just keep walking. No, no, no.

Not a sale. Don't think of it as a sale. Think of it as an opportunity. There you go, Roy. Don't give up. I'm sorry. I have to talk to these guys. I need to know why this robot is surprised that he doesn't have hair.

I feel like that's pretty common for robots. This robot seems surprised they have no hair on them. Good job, Roy. Chip, it's a sales tactic. Keep walking. No, it's a confusion. Now he's interested. He's going to fixate on this thing.

I need to understand what you guys see in me that makes you want to be the better person of yourself. I contact Roy. I can get you over the finish line. I feel like I can. You hang up on me and talk to your wife. This deal goes away. They're walking quickly away. No, no, not me.

Not me. Not me. I'm staying around. My name is Roy also. Really? Yes. Royly. People don't call me Roy.

People don't call me Roy. People don't call me Roy. People call me Chip, but my name's also Roy. Please, Chalice, can we talk to these guys? Please, please, please. I don't know. I'm getting a weird vibe. Keep walking. What?

They jumped out of the woods. What makes them weird? Offer a handshake, Roy. I'm so sorry. He's a gassy robot? Why is that even a thing? He's a robot. Why did you do that?

I had a chili cheese fry for lunch. You don't need to eat, Rose. I know. I had it because it smelled good. I threw it in. It's coming out. Chalice, please. These guys are weird. Chalice is going to scoop up all of her friends and start taking off like a protective mom. No! Chalice!

Roy, Roy, you don't give up. You don't just let a deal walk away. We haven't seen anybody come through these woods in four days. I'm going to grab their ankles. Yeah. You grab my ankles, I'll grab theirs. Okay. And we'll form some sort of f***ing non-human centipede.

Okay, Roy, why don't both of you give me a strength check? Okay. And what's the elf's name? Oh, I'm Basic. Basic. Well, what's your name? No, just kidding. I rolled my tie right off the f***ing table.

Not a pro. Wow. Three. Basic got a 17. Okay, so Basic holds on to Roy really well. Roy doesn't really have a good grip on the rest of the crew. Why was this the plan? I figured we could create a chain of command.

Oh, he's grabbing your ankles. He's grabbing your ankles, Chalice. Looks like he's trying to grab my ankles. My hands are wet. But it looks like he was stopped by the other guy. What was their plan? Chain of command and as this kerfuffle takes place where the group is trying to get away but there's an attempt at

an ankle grab it slows you down about a step and this non-human centipede is actually rocketed skyward out of nowhere when a net has been tripped, so a net that you might see for some sort of wild game, scoops up the entire group. Chip, Chalice, Beef, Jennifer, and Roy and Basic are now all suspended 15, 20 feet off the ground, captured in a large net. Damn.

Ow! What just happened? Oh, okay. What just happened? Oh, okay. Is anyone hurt? Is anything broken? If you are, I have potions that I can sell you for a fee, a small price. Oh, boy. Oh, God.

Did anyone, did he hurt your ankle, miss? Did he hurt your ankle when he tried to grab it? I don't think he ended up grabbing it. I have an ankle ointment. I swear to God I touched it. I have an ankle ointment. I swear to God, I touched it. Roy, did Basic hurt your ankles? He's f***ing digging really deep into my metallic joints. He's bending the metal.

Yeah, I'm still holding on to his ankles for some reason. Hey, Guy, let the robot go. Fine. Fine. I'm not so convinced this guy's a robot. He ate a chili dog earlier and it was like burping in our faces. It was a fry. And I was curious.

Yeah, I get it. It's the only thing I've ever had. Oh, you just desperately like want to feel something and be real. Correct. And I do have heartburn, but I don't have a heart. Whoa, that's deep. That's so sad. I have a heartless burn.

You guys are like a duo. You guys are like a duo. You guys are like a salesman duo. I'm like a manager and he's like an employee. Yeah. I have a small business. I'm a small business owner. Roy's shaking his head no. It seems like he doesn't agree with that setup.

I came to be 30 hours ago. Whoa. In this guy's f***ing house. I'm so scared. I'm out getting help. So this is more like a kidnapper, kidnap bee situation under the guise of salesmen? I think we got ourselves a Pinocchio Geppetto situation going on. It's closer to the Pinocchio Geppetto thing.

It's charming. It's cool. Because Geppetto is Pinocchio's boss, right? Yes. And I'm pulling the puppet strings on Roy. He wouldn't exist without me. Wow. Roy, I'm glad you said I'm mouthing help me because your metallic jaw just kind of moves

up and down. Impossible to tell what you're mouthing unless you say it. Yeah, could have been pizza or something. Could have been. So is there like some kind of kill switch for Roy? Whoa, beef! Beef, that's a personal question. You can't just ask someone if they have a kill switch.

He seems sentient to me. Yeah, how do we fucking kill this guy? I have a little bean in between my legs and that little button slash bean can indeed be turned on and off. I'm just too...

No, I've fallen for this before. No way, pal. Hold on. Can we get out of this net? Yeah, I was going to say, as interesting as this is, I think we should probably get out of here. Which is very fascinating. Yeah, I want out of this net.

Let's work together. I think I have some tools that I could sell you guys to chop this thing right out of here. Which is very fascinating. Yeah, I want out of this net. Let's work together. I think I have some tools that I could sell you guys to chop this thing right out of this tree. Do we have to buy them? I mean, we're all in this together. Yeah, I think I already have like a knife or something. I might just try my knife if that's okay. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Give it

a shot. Chip pulls out his knife and tries to cut the net. Alright, give me an attack roll. Can do. An eight. With an eight, you attack roll. Can do. An eight. With an eight, you go at it pretty hard with your knife and after a few stabs and some grating against it,

you inspect it and kind of have nothing to show for your effort and work there. You're going to need a bigger knife. That's really good. I get that reference. I may be 30, but I have seen Jaws twice. 30 hours, right?

30 hours old. Roy, you don't measure your age in hours. It's a little misleading to say that you're 30, honestly. Now I want to know how old I am according to Roy, though.

I'm like thousands of thousands old. Oh, yeah. Since you're a robot, can you do some kind of cool like computing stuff? Yeah, Roy, how old am I? If I'm like thousands, thousands old. Oh, yeah. Since you're a robot, can you do some kind of cool computing stuff? Yeah, Roy, how old am I? If I'm roughly, I don't know, 30, early 30s. 30 years old?

Yeah, if I'm 30 years old. While you're 800 hours old, at least. Wow. At least. Okay. Wow. Technically correct, I guess. Wow. At least. Okay. Wow. Technically correct, I guess. That's really cool.

Maybe years are over. But no older than a million hours old. Probably right. Basic, was Roy a replacement for something or? Roy stood for replacement organism for youth. I was a replacement for a child that basic no was taken care of and i lost in a tragic you don't know what you're talking about roy shut up there's actually a pretty dark sad story you're too stupid to critically think like that you don't know

anything oh basic did you did you lose a child and you replaced them with Roy? No. Why do you cry when you look at me? That's not how any of this went down. Well, then tell us. Start from the beginning and tell us. Yeah, it looks like we got some time. It all began yesterday.

Why are you telling the story, Roy? Always be closing stories. You start and I'll finish it. Yeah. Why don't I pour everybody some wine and I'll tell you guys the story of how I brought Roy to be. Hell yes. Is he going to freaking charge us for this shit? I'm not going to charge you for the wine.

There's a corking fee. There's an uncorking fee. I need to use. That's completely normal. Jennifer, that's worth it. Alright. Wow, you have glasses, too. The appropriate wine glasses. Wow, pass that right out. Everyone have a

wine glass? Yes. I dropped mine! Oh. No. We can share. We can share. But again, I'm impressed, too. Red wine glasses for red wine. That's incredible. A little bit bigger. Yeah. A little bit bigger. I got you, basic. A little bit bigger. Alright, spill it.

So, Roy was my old roommate. Oh. Who died tragically. I noticed you put quotation marks when you said tragically. Yes. Well, he died tragically when I shoved him off the roof. Having roommate problems.

Yeah. We've killed people, no judgment. A roommate problems. Roommate problems. Yeah. We've killed people, no judgment. A little judgment. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we've killed

lots of people. Mostly bad guys. Dozens. Yeah, dozens. Probably dozens. Yeah, that is the thing. My roommate was kind of a good guy.

He was a cleric. No. He was a really good guy. So I felt bad that I found out that he had a son. Oh. And I made Roy to honor him.

Huh. Huh. I've seen Jaws three times in the last day and a quarter. You've only been alive that long, and that's how many times you've watched Jaws? That's like a third of your life. I watch a lot of Jaws at home. It's a perfect movie.

Just to circle back, I couldn't tell if it was a Jaws reference or like the Crocodile Hunter reference. You did like an Australian accent and said, you're going to need a bigger knife. That was the Crocodile Hunter. Yes. Crocodile Dundee. I love old films. Yeah.

So in the last 30 hours, I've seen Jaws three times. That's six hours of Jaws. Yeah. I've seen Crocodile Dundee. Sure. Four times. three times. That's six hours of Jaws. I've seen Crocodile Dundee four times. Four times? That's 14. Are they overlapping at all or are they separate viewings entirely? We alternated like a shuffling a deck of cards going back and forth between the two. That was Roy, my old roommate's favorite film, which is why I've been watching them on repeat since he died. And then I took a nap for two hours, which is fine.

I get that, girly. You shouldn't have to do that. You need to nap? Were you charging? Yes. And then since then, we've seen PCU twice. And here we are. PCU.

PCU? Yes. It's a 1994 comedy starring David Spade and Jeremy Piven. Oh, I do remember that. You do, too? You do tell us? I actually do. I don't know what the hell they're talking about.

I don't know anything that they've been talking about, frankly. Oh, you know what? I have an idea. Help! Help us! We're stuck in a net! I can sell you a megaphone. I can sell you something that will amplify your voice.

How much is it? Yeah, how much is a megaphone? 30 gold. But don't think of it as a price. Think of it as an opportunity for you to get out of this net. Nice job, Roy. You know what? I bet you if we put a hole in one side of the wine glasses,

we could just use them as amplifiers. So smart. Bifa tries to break the glass on top of chip's head help help you actually see that there is a passerby oh who is walking underneath the net seems like an ordinary person they look to be on a hike of some sort and they look up and see you in the net ordinary personinary person. Ordinary person, help us. Hey, Normie. Who, me?

No, no, no. Roy, you are the opposite of that. Why? You suck up here. Because I'm weird? Yeah, we could get into that a little bit, Roy. Do you think I'm bizarre? Yes, we do, but one second.

Hold on. Can you help us out, ordinary person? Is there any way you could go and get somebody? What'd you all do? We got caught. So basically 30 hours ago, I was... No, Roy. Roy, don't start from the beginning of the story.

Okay. I have seen Jaws three times. If y'all are in a net and you're trapped, that means you guys must have done something bad. What? No, we got stuck in this net. Someone must be hunting or something we're in the wrong place at the wrong time sir go get help likely story you're gonna try

to tell me none of y'all ever killed anybody nobody said anything well one time one time just one time you just said one time was it premeditated or crime of passion it was i was obsessed with my roommate and i wanted his life and i killed him i've seen crocodile dundee four times yeah yeah you freaks are staying in the net good luck thank you yes roy we think you're weird and bizarre oh sorry i said we'd circle back hey hey don't speak for me man i'm i'm you don't think weird. Look at him. I'm still figuring him out. So that's one vote for weird. I will say,

if Beef thinks you're not weird, that means you're weird. Hey, hey, I'm a detective. I got the books open. I'm asking him questions. I'm getting to know my guy. I haven't even asked him his favorite type of food.

He's only had one thing to eat. What kind is your favorite type of food, Roy? So thank you for asking. My favorite food is not the food that I ate earlier today for the first time in my life. Okay, sorry. I apologize. I'm in the wrong here.

And what is your favorite food, Roy? A chia seed. A single chia seed? When did you have one of those, Roy? Actually, I think I have one in this bag If you want to play it up Basic Oh, I'd kill for that chia seed

I'll give you a thousand gold for that chia seed A thousand going once, going twice That's making me kind of want the chia seed No way Wait, wait, wait It's my chia seed We don't know how long we're going to be up here, you guys. We've got to ration that chia seed as much as we can.

I mean, that's our only source of food we got. Yeah, we should split it up. I'll give you 500 gold for half of that chia seed. Going once. Oh my god, what do we have between us? I guess we have the food that we put in Seb's care package. Oh. But I don't want to... Yeah, it's for Seb. Yeah.

I'll give 500 coin for half of that. No, no, no, that's stupid. We've been here 10 minutes. We don't want to. Yeah, it's for Seb. Yeah. I'll give 500 coin for half of that. No, no, no, that's stupid. We don't need to ration food yet. You're right, never mind. You're so right, Chip. You're so right. Guys, everybody except for Chip. He's weak-minded.

He doesn't know the reality of the situation. I vote. First person we have to eat, I vote, is Chip. If it comes to that, he's the biggest, got the most meat on him. After we split the cheese. Maybe we should eat the robot because he doesn't have feelings. Or do you have feelings, Roy? I do, but I only have two feelings.

Greed and nerves. What? What was the first one? Chip and beef. That way we're eating... You said greed. Beef and chips. Greed.

I don't know how to program robots very well. That's why he's like this. Okay? I'm so sorry. I just need to clarify. Greed and nerves are your two emotions? So basically, I'm pretty skittish and scared. No, not you, basically.

Also, now that I'm right by Roy and I'm kind of like, my head is between his legs, I can tell that he does have hair. Do you see the bean? The bean is right in front of like, my head is between his legs, I can tell that he does have hair. Do you see the bean? The bean is right in front of me, Beef. Don't touch his kill switch. My nose could trigger it.

I'm telling you right now. In case it comes up, my nose could trigger it. I got a question, basic. I can't imagine the answer to this is yes, but did Roy turn out the way you wanted? As a prototype, as a beta, as my first project, yeah. Yeah, I didn't know that I could bring

my roommate's toaster to life this way. You were a toaster, Roy? I've now been alive for 31 hours, and as a toaster, I was there for 75 hours. I saw Jaws as a toaster I was there for 75 hours. I saw Jaws as a toaster eight times. And how does that make you feel, Roy? Greed or nervous? Nervous.

Nervous, yeah, I figured as much. Basic, I got a question for you, if you don't mind. Who, me? No, basic. It's basic, as much. Basic, I got a question for you, if you don't mind. Who, me? No, Basic. I said Basic, not Roy. I don't know anything. Yeah, we know. I'm so scared and jealous.

Basic, you wanted to take your roommate's life. That's what you told the guy that walked past us. Yeah. And you said that he has a son. Why didn't you just take his son after you murdered him? I don't know where he lived before he lived with me is the thing we met on craigslist so i don't really know anything about him oh gotcha gotcha gotcha i understand so you had to build up what you thought is a boy yes yes roy is a boy

hello that's why i gave him the bean kill switch Like a classic boy And you said Roy's kind of like your beta Do you plan on making more of these things? Yeah, I mean Now that I know I can program them with Maybe one feeling I don't know if I need nerves I could just do greed

I think nerves is part of his charm Thank you I think it sort of humanizes him a little bit. It's relatable. Yeah, but I don't need him to be charming. I just need him to sell. The timeline on this, you said no one's been in the woods for four days. Yeah.

So you bought a toaster. A couple days ago, you decided, why not now? My roommate bought the toaster. Your roommate bought the toaster? Whoa, whoa, whoa. That put me over the edge. He was always blotting as well. I feel like we were all getting along. We were bidding over the edge. He was always blotting as well. I feel like we were all getting along.

We were bidding on the seed. It was going well. That was so long ago. 500 gold coins, you said, for half the seed? I backed out of that deal. I backed out. You're out? I think I'm out.

I'm out. I'm still a betting man. And Beef's looking at that chia seed. Freaking out. Maybe we should bet on it. A simple coin flip? Why don't we flip the seed? Flip the seed?

How would you tell which side is which, Roy? Well, hear me out. There's no such thing as a perfect sphere, right? I guess not. Right? I guess, yeah. Roy, you know the most random stuff. Thank you.

Was that in Jaws? That was in PCU. PCU. PCU. I say we flip the seat and depending on if it lands on the imperfect or the more perfect side, we determine the answer to your question, which was

remind me again, I'm kind of high. What? You're high? You are. I smoked Roy out before we came. That's why he tried that french fry. We're in a net, is what I meant. We're high off the ground. Oh, my God.

Help! Help! And as you look down, there seems to be a few people walking the trail. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hello, hello. Hello. Yes, it's a-

Me? Oh, my God, there's people up there. Yes. hey, hello, hello Hello Yes, it's, uh Me? Oh my god, there's people up there Yes Yes We're trapped Yeah, help us, we got, we got sucking a gnat Okay, how do I get you down? Is there, um, some kind of, follow the rope and cut the rope, do you have a sharp object? I'll sell you one

Any interest in a seed, sir? Or madam I'm a, I'm, Well, my husband's here. This is Guam. And I'm Tritzy. And... Those are made-up names. That sounded made-up.

I don't trust these guys, guys. I don't want them getting us down. Actually... The people that probably put us in the net. Never mind. Never mind. Keep walking. We're good.

You're good. You're stuck hovering above the ground. Yeah, isn't it fun? I don't know. I'm not in there. Okay, throw me down something sharp. I'll try to cut you down. Basic. Just throw it down. I can't part with this knife without

a price. Why doesn't she rent it? She could rent it. She could rent it for a few hours. Can you rent it from him? Why don't you buy it from me and I'll give it to you and you can toss it down. Why don't one of you buy it and rent it to Trixie? That way you're making passive income on the knife.

Oh, that's a good profit. I have several knives. I could give them all to you and you could sell them to others. Okay, they're gone. Guys, while we were talking about this, they left. Trixie! And knock! Not you, Guam!

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Well, I guess, do you guys, do you fellas have any questions for us? My God. We've been sitting here talking up a storm. You haven't even asked me. You guys said you killed many people. Who have you killed? Oh, this is embarrassing.

I might not remember all of them. Yeah, we've killed a couple bad guys A couple guards that were in our way I once killed my best friend Oh yeah? He did do that That was a sad one What the hell is wrong with you? I was trying to save his life

And I made it worse Still? That's still It sounds like it was really hard for him Right? You're a murderer Where's your nervous? It might be the worst moment of my entire life.

Good. Okay. You f***ing monster. Now I, you know, now I'm actually ashamed to share a name with you because that really hurt my feelings a lot. Okay. I don't care. I'm Roy. He's Roy.

He only has nervous and greed. This feels mean. This doesn't feel greedy or nervous. This is greed, I think. I'm a sociopath. Charles, get me out of here. It's okay. It's okay.

Oh, man. Guys, if we don't deliver this package to Seb, the sun's going down. He's expecting a package from us. I don't know, guys. We might need to sleep here tonight. Does anybody have any weird sleep habits? Anyone have any night terrors they want to admit to? I can't sleep unless Jaws is playing.

Oh. I've only slept for two hours of my whole life. For the other 30 hours, I've been watching Jaws. I've seen PCU. Crocodile Dundee four times. Are you saying PCU or piece of you? PCU. What does that sound for?

Personal Computer University? Political Correctness University. Any other questions? Stop being so aggressive to Chip. Basic, is there any way that... I don't know if you can do this on the fly. It seems like you got a lot of shit on your person. Got a lot of stuff you're trying to hawk here.

But can you do maybe an adjustment on Roy? Maybe give him like two other types of feelings sure. Yeah basic crawls into Roy's ass and Can't look away. Beef, look away. Cover your eyes. I can't look away. My head is right. I can't move my head. Jaws is trying to cover Beef's eyes and Jennifer's eyes. Okay. I was able to give him resentment and joy.

What? Why those two? We should have put it to a vote. What's wrong with Joy? I'm happy to be here. It's actually creeping me out. His face with Joy is too weird. I actually really like Jaws.

Oh. Here, wait. I moved some wires. Okay, I took away joy and I made you faithful. I believe in God. Whoa. Oh, okay. That worked so fast.

And what does God mean to you? I've been trying to figure this out for so long. We've been working on this for a couple seasons as to what and who God is. Go ahead, Roy. I'm nervous and jealous to be here, but basically... What? Jealous to be here. God is basically basic to me.

You're great. Will one of you give me a beat? Boop. Boop. Bo beat? Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. So God is basically basic to me. I believe in a deity named GD.

With a hyphen in the middle, I can't say his name, because I'm here and I'm ready to explain. Religion is important from soup to nuts. I had a chili cheese fry and it went in my butt. Help! Help us!

Help us! Get us out of this mess! Please! Please help us! Please help! Oh my God, get me out of here! Why did you need a beat for that? I was sort of skittish at the start, and I felt like it wouldn't resonate

unless you heard a dope sort of an undertone or rhythmic. What's that word? I do admit I was willing to listen to more because of the beat, if I'm being honest. Yeah. Thank you. Was Roy not faithful before? Before, Roy was just greed and nervous.

Well, first I was a toaster. Yes. Then I was greed. first I was a toaster. Yes. Then I was greed. You were a faithful toaster. And a nervous toaster. Do you have memories from when you were a toaster? Good question. Great question, actually.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, you were a toaster for 70 hours in the apartment. Yes, I have a lot of faithful, faithful memories of those days. Oh, okay. Did you, like, make anything fun? I guess, does that count as eating when a toaster gets toast put in it? That's how you came across the seeds. Yes, I was a, I had an everything bagel one day.

With chia seeds on it. With chia seeds, yes. I did say everything. I'd had everything. Wait, what do you mean everything? You can't possibly mean everything. Everything. Soup. To nuts. Roy. It had everything Wait, what do you mean everything? You can't possibly mean everything Everything to nuts Roy, there was soup on this bagel?

Is that what you're trying to tell me right now? Yes, exactly right Any noun you can think of was on the bagel I don't think he's programmed to lie, so Yeah, Basic, he can't lie, right? He's being faithful right now, I guarantee it I don't think Roy could deny a command. Roy, poke Basic in the eye.

Don't do that. You can't get me. Okay. F*** it. Punch that guy. Sure. Ow! What the heck? I didn't do anything. I'll go punch Chip. Grab Chalice's ankles again. Okay. Okay, everybody calm down. Everybody let's just breathe. Everyone take a

step back. Everyone just breathe. We can't. We're in a net. He punched me, Chal down. Everybody just breathe. Everyone take a step back. We can't. We're in a net. He punched me, Chalice. I'm going to flick his bean. No, don't. That's a kill switch. That's murder.

No, flick his bean. Murder his ass. Flick this toaster's bean. I'm going to flick this toaster's bean. No, no. Hey, hey. Don't press cancel on my toaster. I flick it, but it's just a bean from the Everything Bagel. This guy's dripping with seeds and beans.

Okay, things are getting out of control, and I feel scared unless we pick a leader. Like, soon. Okay, fine. I'll do it. No. No beef. No one's asking you to do it. Absolutely not.

Why not? I like beef. I like beef for the job. What? There you go. No. He said it. I choose Roy for chaos.

I vote Roy as well. Yeah, Roy seems like, you know, as far as the amount of flaws a person can have, Roy's pretty limited. He's only got like four things he can be. Sound good, Roy. A voy for Roy is a voy for your boy.

Vote for me, and I'll be nervous for you. I vote for Roy. I'm voting for Roy again. I'm now nervous for you. I vote for Roy. I'm voting for Roy again. I'm now faithful to Roy. I'm sorry about flicking your bean earlier. Don't worry about it. All hail Roy.

All right, Roy, as our new leader, do you think we should open this care package and start cooking some of the food that we were going to send to our friend? Yes. Okay, great. Do you still work as a toaster, or is that feature gone? That feature is gone.

Okay, never mind. Do you have any other features that help with cooking, Roy? Yes, I mean, I can bake. You can bake, but you can't toast? Oh, his tummy is like there's an oven door on it. It's an all-over heat instead of a top-down, but yeah, you can bake. I didn't take away just the toasting function. I'm more of a toaster oven at this point.

I always felt like a bake was just a slow toast. I get that a lot. And it makes me angry. And greedy. It shouldn't make you angry. Nothing should make you angry. Well, this is amazing. We have a whole Bundt cake recipe in our care package to set, so maybe we could take out

the flour, the sugar, and bake some. Not a lot of counter space in this net. Yeah, we gotta team up. Okay, you hold the bowl. Basic. Yeah, of course. Okay, I'll pour some flour. I'm scared.

Don't be scared. Wait, wait, hold on. Roy is gaining new feelings. He just said he's scared. Basic, what's going on? Well, I gave him anxious, scared, and tacky while we were talking. You gave him tacky? I thought it'd be nice to give him tacky. Is that okay?

I mean, how much money do you make? Whoa, whoa! What? That is tacky to ask that. My God. Yikes. I don't even know. I don't think I get paid.

That's fine. I'm just nervous and greedy to ask you about it. You're also putting on a very ugly silk shirt right now. Roy, that looks terrible. It is tacky. I appreciate that. But I'm also mad and scared, greedy, and resentful that you brought it up. How much do you weigh?

Whoa! Whoa! Why? I'm curious. No, no, no. greedy and resentful that you brought it up how much do you weigh oh my goodness okay i'm scared you know what i'm actually i find it a little admirable that you are so upfront about what you're feeling i'm gonna start saying my feelings like that from now on that's beautiful yeah which feelings can you have, Chalice? Ooh, careful. This would be nice if she could tell me so I know for the future, beef. I probably have like a thousand different feelings I can feel. Good Lord, that's so many.

Yeah. But right now, I'm feeling a little scared and a little itchy from the net. How is everyone else feeling? I'm feeling hungry after somebody said the word Bundt cake, so I'm excited for that. And then somebody

is rubbing up against me, so I am feeling a little bit randy. That would be basic. Oh, that is basic. You're doing it too. I think I'm in between you guys. I'm feeling murderous

and hungry. All right, so Jennifer's at stasis. Beef? I think I'm feeling curious and lovable. Oh, okay. I'm feeling loved. I'm feeling really loved.

I'm really enjoying our time in the net together. That's so nice. I think this is nice. And I'd love if you guys would buy some of my stuff. I really would. It'd mean a lot to me, actually. Aw. Are you in, like, financial trouble, Basic?

What's going on? It feels like you could afford to make a robot, but... Excuse me. Did someone say Basic? Did someone say Basic? Basic, is that you? And Basic, you look down to see a familiar face. Oh, s***.

The roommate that you pushed off the roof, who you thought was dead, is now standing 15 feet below you on the ground. Oi! Basic, you f***! I knew I could find you! Hey, dude. So glad you're... What's... What's good? I was so worried that you fell off the roof, and I... Wow. Amazing recovery. That was a funny way to put it because I don't think I fell. As I remember it,

you tossed me out of my ass. He's lying. Oh, you were tripping. You were tripping. I know, it's cool. You tripped and I tried to catch you and we rolled off the roof and you fell

and it was tragic. Is that my son in there with you? Hello. Oh, oh, oh, you're mistaken, sir. It's a robot that's been alive for 30 hours. 31. He actually looks like your toaster. This is our toaster, yeah.

This is actually your toaster, yeah. Hi, remember me? I was your toaster for 70 hours. We watched Jaws twice. Now I'm scared. So I bought a toaster that looked just like my son Brought it home so excited to use it Did use it

Watched Jaws with it a couple times Next thing I know This guy's pushing me out the freaking window I programmed him to be exactly like your son Just as tacky and resentful And greedy and nervous as your boy That is just like my son. Yeah, he's an imperfect boy.

And I miss him so. Are you going to help us, sir? Are you going to get us down? Are you here to yell? Also, if you let us down, we can prosecute Basic, maybe. I didn't do anything. He said he killed you. He said he killed you.

He said he killed you. He said he killed you. That's attempted murder right there. You admit it. I said I killed you and you're alive. so it looks like I didn't kill you. Thus, I did not do anything. Nothing happened. Baisa, could you be honest for just one second in your life and tell me the truth.

Did you try to kill me? I'm obsessed with you. He's making the inside his butt noise again. I'm making Roy apologetic You're making him apologetic So he can apologize on your behalf Yes I'm making Roy contrite and savvy So he can get me out of this situation

I'm sorry You put singy in there I slipped When I was in Roy's ass The wires are all so tightly packed Roy, my boy You don't have to apologize for a thing It's this monster

Basic You were obsessed with me, huh? Yeah I always knew I knew You were always flaunting your wealth By buying new toasters And watching Jaws a lot.

Oh, I see. I see what's going on here. Only rich people see Jaws this much. Yep, I get that, Roy. Who can afford a multiple viewing? Yeah, yeah. This is two people fighting, Roy. This is real human interaction.

Really put on your glasses and watch this. Earlier today, someone nudged my bean with their nose. And this is the highlight of my life. You're awesome, Roy. You're awesome. That's disgusting. Roy, listen. Tell me.

Tell me something that will let me know that you're still my boy in there somehow. Sir, this is your toaster. I don't know. I don't know how else to explain to you. This is not your son. Shut up! Roy, listen, just tell me anything that lets me know that you're still in there. Go on, Roy.

You still know how to close. You have an enormous hog. What? I remember your dick was the size of 10 to zero. Okay, good luck, everybody. Oh, come on. Good luck with your f***ing toaster.

Help us down. Help us down. Oh, God. He's gone. What was that, Roy? I was trying to appeal to his manhood. I think that went well. These guys are a mess. These guys are a mess. These guys are a mess. Yeah, they are.

And you guys, answer my question from earlier. Are you in some financial trouble? We've been there before. Two seasons ago, we had the worst finance problems. Yeah. I'm on my last borrowed dollar. I've borrowed from Peter to pay Mary, and I still owe Paul. You know what I mean?

Oh, and those three are litigious. They are the worst people here. I am? Oh, and those three are litigious. They are the worst people here. I am getting hounded by loan sharks left and right. I'm dried up. I'm washed up. I'm ruined. All I have is a toaster. Surrounded by loan sharks.

Is that why you're watching Jaws so much? That's exactly... That's my ringtone on my phone. Now, I know you're a salesman, and it seems like you're maybe a little bit of an inventor, but I got to be honest, Basic, I think if you made some more Roys, it would do gangbusters, my guy.

I would buy a Roy. I'd buy a Roy. I'd buy a Roy. I'd buy a Roy. This Roy is for sale. This Roy is absolutely for sale. I don't give a shit about Roy. He's waving at us. Roy, we're right here. We're in a net together. You don't give a shit about Roy. He's waving at us.

Roy, we're right here. We're in a net together. You don't need to wave at us. Tell them how big their hogs are, Roy. Why, yours are five inches thin and thicker still. Roy! Yes, sorry. I could never hate you.

I could never hate you. I'm having the best guys. Okay, how much for this man? How much for Roy? I don't know, gold. I don't give a guys. How much for this? How much for Roy? I don't know. Gold. I don't give a shit. Oh!

Yes! Absolutely! You tried to get us to pay 500 gold for a seeder. Alpha seed. And he'll come with the seed. He comes with the seed. I'll throw in the seed. Yes, absolutely!

Okay. But basic, won't you, Miss Roy Roy if we take him off your hands? It's been almost 32 hours together, dear friend. I won't miss Roy. I always have Jaws, Crocodile Dundee, and PCU to keep me company. I have them playing on repeat. Oh, my gosh. Guys, huddle up.

I think we do this. For sure we got to do this. Five whole pieces. If anything, just to give Roy his... No, one. It's like a family pet, Roy. Yeah. Yeah, we lost that cat we adopted last season.

This could be our new thing. The what? We did what? I know, right? We actually did. We adopted it. We all promised to take care of it. I think it was...

Oh, there's no way that thing's alive. Oh, yeah. We have to promise to take care of Roy. Oh, I'll take care of Roy. alive. Oh, yeah. We have to promise to take care of Roy. Oh, I'll take care of Roy. But he doesn't have to eat. I had a chili cheese fry yesterday. Yeah, but you don't have to eat. Correct.

Yeah, Roy, what's your maintenance? Basic and Roy. If we take Roy, how many times do we have to walk him? What does he eat? Where does he sleep?

He has, he'll have a seed every now and again. He ate a chili cheese fry. Like he produces a seed every now and again? Yes. Crumbs will fall out of Roy. He doesn't need to eat.

He may provide food because he was, he's an ex-toaster. There may still be dried cheese and breadcrumbs. I don't understand why you guys are confused. You can't understand why we're confused, Roy? You're saying you literally, you don't have the ability to understand why we're confused? I don't have understanding.

I only have greed, envy, wrath, faith, tactfulness. When did you get wrath? Where the hell did wrath come from? I decided to give him one of the sins. He was in my ath, and he gave me wrath. Okay, ten gold coins for Roy. Done. Roy did that without a beat. He rhymed without a beat. Awesome. Okay, 10 gold coins for Roy. Done. Roy did that without a beat.

He rhymed it without a beat. Awesome. Okay, here it is. Here you go. And you can keep all your knives. You can keep all of everything because this guy is gold. This guy is a treasure. Holy cow.

I needed to hear that. And as you guys hand basic five gold, ten gold, whatever the amount of gold you guys agreed on. I think we ended up handing him 25 gold because we're really excited. Yeah, we all gave ten. It's just spilling out of your pockets. The net dispels and we all fall to the ground. Pleasure doing business with you.

I got to go make good with my roommate. Wait, Basic, that was you who did the net to us? You can't let a good sale go. It's all about networking. Networking. Wow. I'm not even mad. That's really good.

That is the good stuff. That is insane. Take a bow. I don't get it. Oh, Roy. I gave you understanding. I know. It's just a weird pun, though. So we do get to. Oh, right. I gave you understanding. I know. It was just a weird pun, though.

So we do get to keep Roy, though? It's literally all yours. Yes. Okay. Awesome. I don't even feel like we got duped. I feel like that really went our way. That's a good deal.

That's a good deal. Anything we want Basic to program into Roy before he takes off? You know what? I actually wouldn't feel good about this unless Roy had autonomy programmed into him. Ooh. Big risk, Jennifer. Basic crawls into Roy's ass one more time. Oh.

I give you sentience. You're a real Roy. Wow. God, I don't know what to say. This has been incredible. Absolutely to the maximum. I

feel self-evident in a way. That was incredible. Well, you work for us now, so you're going to come back to our bar. Wait, what? Yeah, you're going to live in the closet where we won't feed you or take you on walks, and we'll just bring you out as kind of like a fun thing every once in a while.

You've freed me emotionally from my wares. I don't have the nervous, green, robot dick button thing anymore. It's just sort of a guy now. Oh. I feel like a normal dude. But I'm down to just like watch movies and shit. Or if you guys want to like

split this seed. We're actually not really looking for any more friends. We liked you before when you were just like wrath and seed. Yeah. No, that was the old me. You know I f***ing used to be a toaster, right? Like that's bizarre. That is weird, yeah.

That's random as s***. Very freaking weird. Um, actually, Basic, can you come here for a second? Yeah, what's up? Can you just actually just turn him back? We do need a toaster. Can you just make him a toaster and just take all the personality stuff out? Yeah. Roy takes a dagger that he has at his calf

and slices Roy's throat open. Oh, my. Flick his feet. Flick his feet. Flick his feet. Flick his feet. Flick his feet. Flick his feet.

Flick his feet. Flick his feet. What did his feet. Flick his feet. Flick his feet. Flick his fucking feet. Flick his feet. What the fuck did you tell him to do? I'm pulling out wires. Flicking beans. Whoa. Chalice throws up in her hand. He's still there.

Beast crying. Beast crying. I didn't think there would be this much blood. Kill me. Just fucking kill him. Kill him. Flick his feet. Kill him.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Basic, please! Okay, Basic starts hitting his head with the butt of the dagger. I'm putting you out of your misery. No, you're not! You're not!

That's not where my brain is. Oh, my God! This is not peaceful. I'm in an insane amount of pain. I want to cut to hours later, and you're all back at Bottoms Up. There was a beautiful, pristine toaster sitting on the bar,

and then right next to it looks like Roy, everything outside of what was a toaster about him is kind of like now in a sentient lump of screws and cogs. Oh. Ooh, okay. Glad we figured that out. We got a toaster.

I think Roy is mostly there now and kind of working. Hey, Roy, you there? Roy? Aww. He's fine. He's okay. You're okay, buddy. Walk it off.

Can I put the I'm gonna put a piece A little toast in ya Roy Here you go A little toast Alright well Pleasure doing business

With you guys Yeah Really wonderful time Yeah and Basically if you come up With any I know this was just a beta So if you come up

With any other models That you wanna run by us, you're welcome anytime. Yeah, I have your address. Thanks, guys. No, thank you. I think maybe keep the autonomy out of the next one, though. I think that was pretty horrific.

Yeah, the self-evident thing was really rough. I think nerves and greed is actually kind of the sweet spot. Nerves and greed was the perfect spot. I just did it first, actually kind of the sweet spot. Nerves and Greed was the perfect spot. I just did it first, but that was the sweet spot. Yeah. Sitcom. The Indias comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.

Arnie Parr wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And, of course, we were joined by the wickedly talented Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld. What better way to ring in 100 episodes than with two of the founders of our network, HeadGum. If you couldn't tell, we had such a blast recording this and we've loved being a part of this network and we're really just very proud to call it home. You can get more Jake and Amir in your life by following them on socials at Jake Hurwitz and at Amir. And you should definitely listen to their podcast on the HeadGum Network called Segments, where Jake and Amir host a constantly changing show that reinvents itself multiple times per episode. Each segment brings

a completely new topic for Jake and Amir to discuss, dissect, and explore. I also just want to take a second to thank all of you for listening. We would never have been able to reach 100 episodes if it weren't for you. Thank you for listening and supporting and telling your respective posses. We really can't thank you enough. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening

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This week's episode is Chip's Tips. Well, actually, it's Chip's Trips, I think, because Chip invites characters from the world of sitcom D&D to talk about the different places Chip should consider taking a vacation. So give your ears a vacation and listen to this lovely little episode. You can check it out at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D and D.

Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday. Thanks, as always, for listening.