SitcomD&D - S5 E13: FUNdraiser

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

After a professional campaign manager pays the BUGs a visit they quickly realize they'll need to throw a fundraiser if they want to run a successful mayoral campaign for Jennifer.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle,Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Elizabeth Andrews & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. One of the first big songs that they sang that actually got me into auditioning for this group was a song called How It Feels to Fly by Alicia Keys. Elizabeth and Aaron, could you give us a taste of what that sounded like? Yep. I can't hear Elizabeth singing at all. To fly. I can't hear aaron i can't work under these conditions i can't hear you are you going high or you're going low and i'm going through a tunnel i'm so sorry honestly it was worse than that so good job guys oh thanks Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

Today, we are picking up Inside Bottoms Up on a fairly typical day. And what you guys are up to, you'll never guess it. I'll never guess it because you're going to tell me. I don't know what you're up to. You control these characters. Whoa. Hey, man, it's not my job. Listen, man, I do not control this guy whatsoever.

He controls me. Well, let's get quiet on set. Sounds speeding. And we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef

At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy.

Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Chip, you know what I just realized? You've never written me a love note before. Hmm. Well, I just wrote so many to Alberta. I kind of got sick of it.

What? I just wrote her so many, and they were so long and romantic and nasty and stuff, and I just... Yeah, I wouldn't be interested in anything like that. Probably. You guys live together. I mean, why would you write? Why would you write? Exactly.

I would just tell you if I had a letter. Right. Why go out of our way to give each other romantic gifts? Yes. This is. Thank you, sweetie. This is why I love you. Uh huh.

You don't make me work hard at all. Yes. Yes. Ding-a-ling-a- you. Uh-huh. You don't make me work hard at all. Yes. Yes. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. The little bell above the door bottoms up that's always been there, that rings anytime someone comes in. Excuse me? They all pick up crossbows just in case it's John the Crier. Hey, hey.

Back up. It is not John the Crier. Okay. Nobody walks in, but somebody slithers in. A regular-sized snake with a black bob haircut slithers into Bottoms Up. Hi, are you sentient? Hi, yes. Oh, okay.

Good. Would you mind putting the weapons down, please? I think we can agree to that. I don't think I've introduced myself. I'm Pam Kane, the campaign manager. I heard Jennifer was running for mayor, so I thought it was in our best interest that we take a meeting.

Oh, oh, we're still doing that? Yeah, yeah, Jennifer, she's in the kitchen. Probably whipping up some pot of orange. Why don't you bring out Jennifer? I'd love to meet her. Okay, but don't eat her. Oh. No, I have all of my base instincts

and needs and wants really under control. That must be nice. What does that feel like? I will be at the second table. Okay, sounds good. Hey, Jennifer! Jennifer! Jennifer!

Jennifer! Gotta get out of here. I'm trying to sleep. It's the middle of the workday. You should be cooking something. I don't yell at you at 4 a.m. when you're sleeping. You do. You absolutely do.

That's because I'm bored, idiot. Chalice goes into the kitchen and picks Jennifer up by her little nightgown and tosses her. Whee! Wait, no one's catching me. Ah! Ew! This is Pam Cain? Pam Cain. This is Pam Cain. Pam Cain.

This is Pam Cain. She's a campaign manager and she's interested in working with you, not eating you. Oh, cool. And why do I give a f**k? Whoa. Jennifer, you're running for office. Remember, you have to be the next mayor so that we can get rid of all these stupid laws and rules and stuff. Running for what now?

That sounds exhausting. Mayor. It was a couple weeks ago, but come on. You've got to have a better memory than that. Really? Yeah, come on. Remember, Seb was probably going to be the one who ran, but then he left. Oh, yeah. Where's Seb? Where's Seb?

Jennifer. What? Was I supposed to pick him up? No, he's gone. Sorry, guys. I'll go get him. No, stay. You don't know where to get him.

Talk to this person because maybe they will help you win. They're a snake. Well, yes. Yeah. Sorry, that was probably rude. They have all their base instincts locked down or something like that. Can you take this meeting with me? I'm scared.

Yes, I'll sit with you. Hi, this is Jennifer. This is Beef here to my right. We are her consultants and liaisons. So we're just going to be here for the meeting as well. Yes. Anything you say is going to be a conduit through us to Jennifer and can be used against you in a court of law.

Understood. Well, Jennifer, it's lovely to meet you. And Pam reaches her tail, I guess you could call it, across the table, and Jennifer shakes it gingerly. I should first and foremost introduce myself. Yes, I am Pam Kane, the campaign manager. I've been working in politics for 18 years, and I've never lost an election. Whoa. Hold for reaction. Impressive. I said whoa.

Thank you, Thank you. Thank you. I am currently, full disclosure, working with the incumbent, Mayor Nath. What? But everybody has a price, including me. Oh. Well, we can offer. What can we offer, guys?

12, 13 kisses? That might be a little high. Okay, you're right. We can offer 11 kisses and one free night of drinking at Bottoms Up. But you have to pay for it. Why don't we skip the foreplay and get right to the knocking of the boots and just come out with it. My rate is 2,000 gold pieces for a campaign. Oh, oh, oh. Ouch. Ow. Okay. come out with it. My rate is 2,000 gold pieces for a campaign. Oh!

Ouch! Ow. Okay. You look like you were physically hurt by that. Yeah. What? You live in a gold mansion? With gold toilets or something? With that kind of money coming in? There's no way. There's no way. Do you actually? Yes.

You have a gold toilet? And that's, I mean, if you're interested, we could take our meetings there if that's where you'd want to do it. Whoa, really? On the toilet? Well, beef, what do you think? This sounds pretty good. Oh, man, it sounds like a great deal, but I just, there's something about the deal. I don't know what it is, but I don't think we should take it.

I don't know. Is it because it's 2,000 gold pieces? Why don't one of you guys, and it's up to you who it is, roll a D100 for me. I got a 7. Wow. Out of a 100? Mm-hmm. Oh, God. Okay.

That means we have 7,000 gold? It means you have 7 gold in savings. So like bottoms up is creating enough to keep the lights on and keep you guys fed and all that. But outside of that, as far as liquid capital, you've got seven gold pieces. Why do you let me roll? Why do you even why nobody stopped me from freaking rolling? Aaron, you shouldn't have rolled.

Yeah, I I rolled the second after you and I got a 52. Oh, my God. OK. All right. you shouldn't have rolled yeah i i rolled the second after you and i got a 52 so oh my god okay all right listen up um pam uh here's the deal we only uh have seven coins um she's slithering out the door wait wait wait hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on a couple things in your professional opinion without a campaign manager, what do you think Jennifer's chances of winning are? Hmm, let me calculate this. Carry the one. Zero percent.

Campaigns cost money. You need at minimum at least 1,000 gold pieces to run a successful campaign. You need a team of people supporting you who have campaign experience. You need a platform that resonates with the people. And let me check. No, you have none of those things. So peace out, losers. See you at the polls, buttholes.

Slither, slither, slither, slither. Whoa! See you at the polls buttholes at the polls buttholes write that down so we can say it next i'm glad she's on our side no jennifer she's not we have to pay her 2 000 gold pieces and we already did a season where we had to raise 2 000 gold pieces and i'm not doing that again and not only that she's working for our enemy currently. She's working for the current mayor. So not only do we not have her, but she's the one who's trying to get us to look like losers. But here's the thing.

Jennifer's gotta have something special where Pam wouldn't even bother coming down here and sitting here and wondering what is going on inside her brain, which we know is nothing. Beefy baby, you're a genius. That's right, baby. Jenny's got a little Jenny said quad. I actually liked that one.

That's such a good point, Beef, because here's the thing. She has never lost a campaign. That's what she said. She wouldn't volunteer for us to pay her if she didn't think that Jennifer could win and ruin her record, right? She wouldn't do that. No, no way, Serena. How?

There is something special here. And we, I don't know. Beef's thinking. Beef's thinking out loud. Beef's thinking that maybe, Beef, maybe we could be a team. Maybe we could be the team. Maybe we could be the campaign manager. That's awesome.

Great meeting, everybody. I'm going back to bed. Wait, hold on. That might be more helpful. Maybe, actually. She listed all those things that we need, and I didn't pay attention to them or write any of them down. Quick show of hands in the bar. Who would vote for the current mayor over Jennifer? Give me a perception check here. Yeah. How many people are at the bar right now? Dirty 20. Okay. Dirty 20. With the dirty 20, there are six people here at Bottoms Up.

Two of them are passed out on the bar top. One of them looks to be regular Joe. Undecided. And there are two tables of two who look up and were not listening and could care less. But you have their attention now. You may have to repeat yourself. uh sorry if you had to vote today for jennifer this little rat or the current mayor who would you vote for they look around at each other you haven't really tried to persuade them one way or another so they're just voting kind of with their hearts yeah that's what we want that's what we want and two of them with a chuckle raise their hands for jennifer anything's better than the mess we're in right now different rule different law passed every week breaking my back it's annoying as hell so i'll take a little sleeping rat over mayonnaise any day of the week i like the cut of your jib sir whatever that was that's my sentence of the week do the words of the day add up to the sentence of the week yeah i've gotten up to sentences now oh that's pretty

fun well it looks like we got one vote how many pieces would you um donate to a rat like that? Oh, now it's becoming a financial conversation. Everything's a financial conversation these days, my man. You just gotta... I don't know the platform. I don't know what she stands for. I don't know... Well, she stands for...

Well, what she supports is... I'll tell them, Chip. I know my platform. My platform's Louis Vuitton. Check these out. Platform heels. I'll give it, like, two gold pieces.

Oh, pretty good. Okay. That's pretty good. That was pretty good. Yeah, put them in this box. Chip grabs a box and asks to put them in there yeah he fishes in his pocket and flips in two gold pieces and oh table can't believe it but they're having a good time they're having a good happy hour whoa wait a second you guys beef's thinking again out loud

thinking i think that jennifer should do a do some kind of performance. Dance. Maybe we could get a couple more rats in some heels. Kind of dance around. Do some busking? We could all wear rat costumes and dance in heels. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We still have those rat costumes. You guys never returned those, did you? Oh, my God.

I never returned them. Oh, my God. I'm going to have so many overdue fines. Hey, it's okay, babe. I know the guy that works at Party City. He loves me. He hates you. He hates you. You're not allowed in there. He it's okay, babe. I know the guy that works at Party City. He loves me. He hates you. He hates you. You're not allowed in there. He absolutely hates you, Beef. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lifetime ban. Alright, guys. Beef's right, though. We gotta make some money, okay? And we gotta figure out whatever her platform is, because people keep asking us that. And then we'll figure out... We'll do this. We'll we'll figure out we'll do this we'll figure it all out let's do it today let's get it over with let's run a fundraiser

tonight that way we can get the funds we can at the fundraiser we can announce her platform and in terms of a team i'm looking at a team right here okay we got ourselves a quarterback we got ourselves a center and a shortstop as far as I can tell. Sure, I'll catch any ball thrown my way. Yep, yep, yep, yep. What if the campaign is more than just playing football? Hmm, well. Then we're screwed, I think.

Then we're screwed. And I think I may have accidentally mixed up a couple sports when I was talking. Yeah, you said shortstop. Isn't that a cake? Jennifer, would you be interested in dancing for a minute? What are some of your skills? Like, we could do a car wash. Oh, my God.

How much time do you have? What are my skills? Lock picking. Abstract math. Jazz trumpet. Crumpling paper. Slow down, slow down, slow down I'm writing these down

There's way more Karate Being cute Reading minds What? Whoa, really? Smoking weed Gambling

Your eyes got huge when you said gambling. Yeah. I don't think. People dilated. I think we will keep the campaign funds away from your pockets if that's okay, Jennifer. And Jennifer, what's a couple of things you stand for? Tell you what, you roll out a wheel of Parmesan, I'll get on my feet. Stand for that.

Beef, I think that's something we're going to have to handle. I think we got to come up with her platform. I think we got to figure out the best thing that's going to get her elected. I know my platform. Louis Vuitton. Yeah, I know. You already said Louis Vuitton. You already pronounced it incorrectly. We heard you.

I don't think anything human or palatable is going to come from Jennifer organically. Does that make sense? I agree. She's insane. And unpalatable. Hey, Jennifer, I got a great idea for you. Why don't you take all the other rats, go into the kitchen,

get your platforms on, get your girls stretched, have them get ready for the big dance tonight, all right? Say it's big dance, big fundraiser. We need to bring in the cash. I'm ready to put the fun in fundraiser. You guys just make sure people show up and Jenny will take care of the rest. So we got the rats dancing. Great start. Pretty good start.

Should we do a silent auction? Is there anything that we can get rid of? Sell this painting of all of us? That's quadruple glue to the wall, I think. Yeah. yeah yes we can figure it out well we could maybe um open up seb's closet and see what's inside and maybe did he not bring his bag of tricks yeah he didn't bring his bag with him he didn't only bring his bag oh my god do we have

his bag of tricks they go up the stairs into Chip and Seb's room and they stare at that closet again that's locked. Can we try and unlock it? One of you can give me a sleight of hand check to try to enter into Seb's closet. Oh, cool. Let's do beef because you've got thief's tools. Yeah.

Okay. I got a nine plus five. So with a 14, you try to get into the closet. You hear a click, and your thieves tool breaks inside the closet. Wait, what? No. Say it ain't so, old rusty ho. Oh, no.

Rusty ho gone do-do ho rusty ho. Oh, no. Rusty ho gone do-do ho-ho. Beef, are you okay? No. I know. I can tell. I can tell. It's okay. How about, here we go.

You know what? There's some hinges on the door. We'll just unscrew the hinges. We'll do it the smart way. Yes. And, yeah, I'll try to unscrew the hinges from the door. Give me an intelligence check actually okay hmm i don't think i've ever done one of those a 16 it comes off completely

oh you now have access to sab's closet oh his bag i think this is his bag here we go this is like infinity things we can basically sell this This is great. This is amazing. Is this like sacrilegious? Because he's not here. I think if he came back, he'd want to start anew anyway. So I think we sell all his jeans and all his outfits of him being different mascots from the MLB. I think it'll be okay. Yeah, I think he would want us to do this.

We're in a pickle. We can sell all this stuff in a silent auction. Is there anything else in here? Can I look around and try to see if he wrote any political manifestos we can use? Oh, my God. Give me an investigation check, Chalice. And Chip, as you're going and taking out the different pairs of jeans, something falls out of the back pocket of one of them. And it's just a small portrait of the four of you.

Oh, that's very nice. Seems like you guys were at some sort of sporting event and Beef was eating a foot-long hot dog, but without chewing, it looked like, just kind of going straight down the gullet, and you all were cheering him on. Beef, look. Look, this is the day you almost died. Oh, God, what a good day that was. It was one of the best, happiest days of our whole life.

Aw. I didn't know Seb kept that. Maybe we should take down that painting and put this up instead Yes I do believe that's the right thing to do It's not quite big enough People won't even see it

Let's keep this just for us Stop f***ing with me man You know what you're doing You could have it on the weekends And I could have it on the weekdays Yes I call odd days I called even i rolled a 15 by the way okay and chalice what are you looking for i'm looking for anything that could possibly help us with jennifer's platform some sort of political manifesto journals books i guess we should also look for a thousand gold pieces as well while we're in here. Yeah, some stashed money. You do find some loose papers in this closet that Seb seems like he's scribbled

out his ideas on. However, a lot of them seem to be failed business ideas. Oh. Most of them revolving around how to utilize a group of raccoons to make money. Looks like he never quite cracked it. I think this was his version of a diary. Yeah, it's pretty terrifying, isn't it? Yeah. So many business ideas. Nacho hands?

We could sell off some of his business ideas. Oh, and watch a bunch of people fail miserably? That's so funny. That would be hysterical. I would love to see a bunch of Sebs failed businesses all over France. Yeah, I want to see what someone does with nacho hands. But you know what? Instead of looking for a platform externally, right? I mean, we could go around, we could ask people what they want. We could go look in drawers and at the library for things that are helpful. But we're voters.

You know? What do we want? A love letter. Okay. The law would be more love letters, Chalice? Yeah. Or like flowers or... The law would be flowers.

Okay. Or more... Like a poem. More flowers and more poems. That's nice. That creates like... Supporting the arts is what you're saying. Is what you're saying? What she's saying is she wants a date, Chip.

Get off your ass, man. Give your girlfriend a kiss, brush her hair, do something. I mean, come on, man. Chalice mouths, thank you to be. And he mouths back, I got you. Ralph's thank you to be. And he mouths back, I got you. So we're supporting the platform of like, give people more opportunities to spend time with their loved ones.

Is that what we're saying? Great. Yeah, that works. Is that what you guys are saying? Well. You're using the royal you when you're looking at me with daggers, right? Yeah, we're using the royal you when we're looking at you with daggers okay that's what i figured what about jennifer what about her i'm thinking like her campaign slogan like jennifer whatever happened to having having fun jennifer what's with all these laws huh

yeah what's the deal with the laws why can't I sing anymore without clouds going down my throat? Yeah, man. That's what that one random man said downstairs. He said, man, there's so many laws. I wish those were gone. Uh-huh. And that's what we've been trying to do this whole time. Yeah, so down with laws, but not to the level of Purge.

Yes. Just above Purge. Just above Purge, Jennifer. purge just above purge jennifer i'm just throwing out ideas guys this is great this is that's actually the closest we've been that's really good because i will say after purge day people seemed happy like really happy it kind of worked i will say we were kind of down we We kind of lost a couple stinkers around the parts, if you don't know what I'm talking about. No. I don't know.

This is a slippery slope, Chip. No. You start advocating for the purge. That is a pipeline I don't want to pull you out from. I'll just say we're down a couple stinkers, and I don't mind, if you guys know what I'm talking about. God, I really don't. I really wish I knew. What about Jennifer the Rat?

Real weird, real freedom. I like that. Jennifer the Rat. She sucks, but she's better than the mayor. Oh, I can get behind something like that. Jennifer sucks less than the mayor currently. Jennifer, a queen in the sheets and a real freak in the streets. Okay.

I would vote for that. What about one that rhymes? How about we all pitch one that rhymes? Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah, okay. A vote for Jenny fills your pocket with pennies. Oh, okay.

Something like that. I don't know how we guarantee that, but I like it. Jennifer has a lot to say and when she's done, she's done with the day. I don't know how we guarantee that, but I like it. Jennifer has a lot to say. And when she's done, she's done with the day. Ah, Jesus. Goddamn, so much better than mine.

Tired of that old hat? Time to vote in a horny rat. Oh, okay. Three solid contenders. Solid, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, okay. Three solid contenders. Solid, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, solid. I like the idea of running on a campaign of fun.

You know, bringing fun back to friends. I feel like that fits with Jenny's vibe. She'll go for it. I think people are going to vote for it because this place, since Purge Day, frankly, before that and since then hasn't been very fun. I agree. No singing, no gambling since then hasn't been very fun. I agree. No singing, no gambling. All the fun stuff is gone.

No sex. No sex. No sex. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, I mean, if we've centered our campaign around you can have sex

anywhere and everywhere all the time. Yeah. How could we lose? Jennifer the Rat, looks like sex is back on the menu, boys. Okay, now we're cooking.

And she's the chef! That's good! I didn't even meet you! That's good! They grab hands and they're jumping up and down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys! You guys!

I just woke up. We head downstairs. Where's my team? Jennifer, you were supposed to be dancing. You were sleeping? Oh, I went back to sleep. Is it tomorrow? No, it's tonight.

And those girls better be stretched out. Okay? I don't want any injuries. All right? Don't yell at me. I'm mayor now. No. You're not even close

I'm not We did a poll And you got two out of six votes Jennifer sit down We got a meeting of the minds We got a few things we gotta throw at you Okay Can I go out and tell people about our fundraiser tonight

While you guys do this Yeah but also Are you guys my team Yeah Do you guys do this. Yeah. But also, are you guys my team? Yeah. Do you guys have specific jobs for this or are you figuring it out later? No, no, we'll do that. We'll do that now. We'll do that now.

I dressed up like this a couple days ago for Chunky Monkey Butts. But even for you, I'm willing to be your secret service. I will lay my life on the line. I will take an arrow for you. I will be your secret service. I will lay my life on the line. I will take an arrow for you. I will be your secret service. I mean, you just said that in front of everyone. No, no. Jenny.

Classic Jenny. All right, keep that stuff up. People will vote for you. Don't laugh at me. I'm mayor now. Jennifer, I am going to be media and youth outreach because I'm very young. And I think the youth will like what I have to say. Is that a good idea, Chaz?

Absolutely. Oldest one by double around here. What is happening? You guys. All right. Then what job should I have? No, I think you would be. No, I think you'd be great at it, Chaz.

I think you'd be great. But more because you're more like a motherly figure and less so because you connect with the youth as peers. Do you even like me? I love you, sweetie. I'm just trying to be honest, okay? You're over 70 years old and the youth are younger than that. Okay. All right.

So I will be motherly to the youth and I guess reach out to the media. I have media trained since I'm a princess and I'll be able to tell you what to say to the newspapers and such. Yeah, we're going to want a lot of cameras here. We're going to want to record this. We're going to want to get this

out to the people tonight so everyone knows to vote for Jenny. If we can get some news outlets here or some some some journalists oh yeah yeah we'll put this on the dish get it in people's homes yeah good idea jenny beef what uh what role are you willing to take on me i'm willing to go to the darkest, darkest, most sadistic, f***ed up role anyone could ever have. What's that? The assistant. Beef, you don't have to do that. Beef. Beef.

No, no, no. Someone's got to do it. And it would have been Seb. And I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll be whatever you need, Jennifer. I can't believe I'm saying this. Whatever you need. Beef, no.

Be careful before you finish the sentence. Beef, she'll have more power over you. You could have chosen almost anything else. No, no, no. I like this. Okay, so let me get this straight. Beef's soul belongs to me now. Talis will be the campaign grandma. chip did i say that is at my service secretly yes that works campaign grandma secret

service assistant okay hell yeah well i guess we got a fundraiser to put on sitcom dnd is sponsored by better help and with that said i've got a fundraiser to put on. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery.

I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience, it's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give Better Help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. So for a campaign fundraiser to be successful, you obviously need people there.

I'm going to have each of you pitch me the way in which you would try to recruit people to the event. And then we'll have you roll, and I will give you advantage or disadvantage based on how well I genuinely think that approach would work to get people to the fundraiser event. Yeah. Great. I'm definitely advertising this as a strip club night

to get people there. And then it's a one-two punch with politics. So once they're there and they're drinking, that's when the music cuts and we bring up, we just do some politic talk for like a little bit, not the whole evening, okay? Just a quick little, hey, throw some money in here, buy a couple of things.

That's what my plan is. I have an idea for marketing. I'm going to bring Jennifer up to the roof. And with the light that we use to project the red rhino symbol onto the sky, I'm going to have Jennifer dance in front of the light. And so the shadow of her stripping is on the moon. Very sexy. A rat silhouette.

Now, Erin, is that like towards Elizabeth's or is that your? That's what I was going to do, but I can pick something else. Here's what I'm thinking. That by itself, like if I just looked up at the moon and saw that, I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't know what it's for. You get people horny for rats. And then they would go ask around, like, where do you guys think it's going? What's up with this horny rat move?

Have you guys heard about this horny rat move thing? I would definitely start asking questions. All right. We're going to count Aaron separately on its own. Thank you. Okay. We'll leave what he got. on its own. Thank you.

We'll leave what he got. Chip is going to go to the local community theater because that, which of course has been famously disaccredited and nobody there is allowed to sing, so he's hoping that he can drum up a bunch of support from all the people

that want to be in musicals and be local singers and can't because of the current laws. Okay. For beef's tactic of getting a word out of a mix of sex and politics on its own, just because you're staying in one spot and it's a bit of a convoluted pitch with the stripping, but also there's at some point maybe some politics talked about i would give it neutral okay however in combination with errands i'm going to give you advantage on a d100 roll chip targeting people who really want to sing and who aren't able to right now that gets advantage

hell yeah let's go i'm glad i had advantage because the first roll was a three and the next one was a 73. Oh. And then for Chalice, you're going to roll a D100. The spotlight of a sexy rat. It has helped Elizabeth's on its own. I'm giving a disadvantage for how many people know what to do and show up. No. You don't get it.

I'm ahead of my time. With disadvantage, I got an 87. What was the other roll? 96. Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. The universe knew my idea rocks.

It does. The dice don't lie. The dice don't lie. I supported it. I supported it from the very jump. Beef, how many people you got coming? Well, I got to roll with advantage. Mine was 19.

I got 19 and then I got 83. Whoa! That means combined effort, 243 people from France are showing up to this fundraising event. Not bad. The type of people who have shown up really run the gambit here. It looks like 73 of them are musical enthusiasts who are dressed up for a political fundraising event, almost like black tie style.

87 of them look like their partners don't know where they are at the moment, and they look like they haven't got as good a sleep as they probably wanted to lately and kind of stressed out and already a little tipsy and maybe ready to see some dancing. And then 83 of them, i can't explain these freaks they saw something put onto the moon that looked like a sexy rat and their sonar went off and they

said i know where i gotta be it must be bottoms up honestly that's so fair like if you saw if you're from france and you saw a rat dancing on the moon, you would think, I got to see what's going on in Bottoms Up. Yeah. Something cooking over there tonight. There's something going on there for sure. Okay. So we cut to Inside Bottoms Up. Y'all are ready for the fundraising event to take place.

Is there anything you want to talk about as a team before you open the doors and get the event underway? No, we're winging it girls i want you to dance for your lives tonight okay this is a big moment we're gonna have a lot of people coming and we're gonna have a lot of big wigs we're gonna have a lot of small wigs but every wig counts because they got money and that's what we need. Charlotte, I want eyes on me. Charlotte, you got to dance like you didn't even know you could. Okay? Charlotte looks nervously at Jennifer and then back at you and then nods.

All right. Two minutes to show time, everybody. Two minutes. Two minutes to show time. Two minutes to show time. Oh, also, your platform's fun. Oh, fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fun. Just say a bunch of fun things, okay? We put some cue cards up there for you. They just have one word on them, and feel free to riff off those one words. Okay, cool. Sounds good. Beef, do you want to do the honors of introducing her, or should it be the campaign grandma? Well, I don't want to take anything from you, Grammy, if you want to get up there.

It sounds like a grandma job. It sounds like a grandma job. It sounds like a grandma job. People might feel the most safe with seeing your face up there. Am I that? I'll ask later. We open up the doors and we usher everybody inside. And we kind of point them towards like the silent auction stuff as well. And also point their attention towards the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, men who don't think that their wives know where they are. Come one, come all. Come on in, come on in. I bet you're wondering, what's this all about? Well, it's going to be a night filled with fun. We got stripping. We got a silent auction.

We got business ideas. Why is there a rat on the moon? Great question. You're about to see why, motherfuckers. I'm the campaign grandma for Jennifer the rat. You can come get a sweet hug and a piece of advice from me, maybe a little bit of hard candy.

That's Beefy Baby over there. Beef, Beef's Jennifer's assistant. Hey, hey, Beefy Baby right over here. And the singer here at Bottoms Up, because we still believe in fun. Do-la-la-dee-doo, criminal, criminal. And that's my hot boyfriend over there in the cool outfit.

Honey, introduce yourself. Please don't shoot Jennifer. I don't want to die. Please don't shoot Jennifer. I don't want to die. Please don't shoot Jennifer. Awesome job, Chip. Love you. Write me a letter later. Okay. Without further ado, let's get some laps and claps

for Jennifer the Rat! Woo! Woo! Hump the ground I'm gonna shoot I'm gonna shoot Can you give him bardic inspiration? Please

Yeah, yeah Please Beef send the wings of the stage And he's like, oh god, oh god I'd like to start making my way around the silent auction sign-up sheets and see how it's going. Okay. See if people are making bids and stuff.

Give me a perception check. An 11. You notice that there's a few names on a few of them, but they look like costumes and there's no real story to them. People don't understand what they are, what they're for necessarily. But there is like a nicer suit that has a couple of signatures on it.

And that's going up to like 15 gold pieces. It feels a little bit obvious if I do it. So I would like to try and sleight of hand and add a couple bets to some of these silent auction things. Okay. To try and raise some of the prices a little bit. Gotcha. Give me a sleight of hand check a 13 a few people looks like may notice you because they're waiting to sign it after you

uh but that's maybe not necessarily a bad thing that's a good sign know who you are also as you're kind of scoping around you do notice that uh you know some of these people look like maybe they're not on the up and up but someone in particular looks nervous and keeps eyeing jennifer and is wearing a big trench coat that may conceal a weapon potentially whoa that's my freaking job what is going on i tackle that person immediately okay i tackle them immediately immediately okay are you kidding me my jenny give me a uh an attack roll 27 oh wow so you tackle the out of this person oh what hey what the hell listen up trench coat okay what's going on what's going on in here

what do you what do you got where you hide in something are you trying to take out my jenny because if you shoot her that means you have to shoot me i don't want to die dude please don't shoot her please i don't know how to answer this i'm just here to watch some sexy rats dance okay well actually that's allowed but in order to do it you have to make a bid. Okay. Like a drink minimum almost? It's like a drink minimum, but it's a bid minimum. You got to do at least one bid.

Okay. Can you stop drawing attention to me? I feel weird about being here. Oh my gosh, Craig. Is this you? Dude, can you not say my name? Your mustache is so fake, dude. What's going on?

I haven't seen you since the billiard lounge. Okay, I'm going to go place a bid. Okay. Also, I think I saw your wife Kathy over there, by the way. Oh, no. Hey, guys, Craig's here. Oh, my God, Craig. Hi, Craig. Hey, buddy. Weird mustache.

Jennifer, okay. Great start. Great, strong start. The platform section's coming up. You're going to announce your platform. You remember what your platform is? It's... Louis Vuitton. And...

Fun. There it is. That's the girl. That's the girl that's going to win the pearl. You're going to do great. Chalice is coming off the stage from doing her rat stripper dance in her rat costume.

She's dabbing her forehead. How was it out there? Hot crowd, hot crowd. She's wearing underwear over the rat costume. Give me a performance check, Chalice. Oh, no, don't make me. We gotta know. We gotta know.

We gotta know. 14. Oh, good. We gotta know. 14. Oh. Okay, not bad. Not bad for a lady in a big rat costume trying to be sexy. That's how my whole life feels. Okay, Beef, I guess you're playing music, and you're going to read me,

or I'm going to see flashcards with a word, and then I go off that? Yeah, yeah. You got this, Jennifer. What the people want is someone who's just genuine, see flashcards with a word and then I go off that. Yeah. Yeah. You got this, Jennifer. What the people want is someone who's just genuine, someone who cares, someone who will stand up to the big guy. And you always stand up to the big guy. You give the big guy a middle finger every time you wake up. So just do that out there. Well, Beef, I know that Jennifer sometimes gets nervous

and she can't read flashcards in the moment. So how about you and me message her words every once in a while for her to riff off of? Does that sound like that would work well for you, Jennifer? That would work way better. I can go back out there and rat dance if you start to panic, Jennifer. Perfect.

Okay, okay. Thumbs up. We ready to rock? Ready to go. And top of the pole, sliding down. Whee! Did anyone introduce me? I think the big wee will work fine, Jennifer.

I'm going to go back up until someone introduces me. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah! As that's happening, beef comes out. Ladies and gentlemen, put your little paws together and hands or flippers, whoever you are, put them together for your mayoral candidate,

Jennifer! Woo! Y'all remember fun? Yeah, didn't think so. I'm having a hard time remembering it too. Shoot. It's been a minute since we were

allowed to be ourselves and have fun since Mayor Ney started passing all these BS laws. Am I right? Sex. What? Sex. Chip, not now. We can talk about this later.

Jennifer, just do what we've already established you were going to do. Chalice walks out on stage and goes, remember when we used to be able to sing? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Chalice, no. A shadow person appears near you and starts to grab you and wrestle you out the door.

And look at that. That shadow person just took the most fun-, loving grandma stripper we've ever had. Isn't that upsetting? Yeah, that's super messed up. Jeez, and we can't even have sex anymore. Um, does anyone want to demonstrate that with me right now? No, next, next thing. Okay.

Balloons or something. Balloons! Is that outlawed? Oh yeah, it was! Holy crap! This place sucks now. The closest thing we had to having fun was like The Purge, but like, that was too much. You know? So...

Poems! Poems! Listen, I could stand here all day and tell you why I'm the freaking best candidate that ever was but really i think anybody can be represented by the people that are working behind them so i want to actually take this opportunity to invite my team out to say nice things about me blink blink blink blink oh uh yeah okay um hey chalice are you can you hear us are you guys outside i'm in the stocks you're in the stocks okay you can get up and uh walk here yeah you're actually able to walk here i come okay i i uh this is something i wrote oh chip yep it's about jennifer and it's not about

anybody else it's definitely not about chalice just so everybody knows okay hey sweetie chip I just want to let you know that I think you are the most beautiful and stunning person I've ever met. I think that you are going to do an incredible job being a part of Jennifer's team. I mean, you are going to do an incredible job if you become the mayor. That's what I wrote. Also, it doesn't matter if you're over 70 years old or whatever age you are, Jennifer. I still think you are

a sexy youth and you always will be in my heart. Oh, jeb! You old so-and-so! Yeah, plus you're a rat and you're cool. A vote for Jenny is a vote for, what was it? A vote for a hat is a vote for a rat. Oh, man, it was something good.

Love, Chip. Oh, and Jennifer runs over and then hugs your ankle. Oh, Chip, that was so nice. More, more. Chalice, get out here. Yeah, I mean, I definitely feel my best. I'm wearing a rat costume with lingerie over it and I'm in the stuff.

But I want to take this moment to talk about Jennifer, the rat, and not anyone else. Hi, honey. What I think is so great about you is that you heard me express a need that i had and instead of making me feel dumb about it or making you feel like it was too much of an ask you listened to me and you did that for me And that's the most romantic thing that anyone's ever done for me. Jennifer, the rat. You're going to make a great mayor because of how kind you are and empathetic.

A wonderful mayor. I love you. Jealous. Jennifer loves you too. Jealous. Jennifer loves you too. It's true! And Jennifer scrambles over,

runs as quickly as she can across the other side of the stage and hugs Chalice's ankle. Oh, Jennifer, you're here. Hi. Hi! Thank you, Chalice. More! More! Beef, get up here and say what you like about me.

Beef steps forward. Hi, Seb. Jennifer. Hi, Seb. Jennifer. Hi, Jennifer. Hi, Jennifer. I really miss you. I'm right here, Beef. The dynamics are very off and different without you here.

without you here. Chip and Chalice are fighting question mark or foreplaying question mark. I think Jennifer is running for mayor. God help us all. She will bring the fun back into fundraiser i love you von hugh grant jennifer jennifer runs over and grabs your ankle so there you have it folks you're only as good as the people who love you and support you. And I know you don't know me too well right now,

but I'm hoping that we can all get to know each other and bring back the fun here in France. So just remember, if you elect old Jenny here and we get my rat butt into office, I tell you what, one thing's for certain. It'll look like sex back on the menu, boys! Woo! Come on out, girls! Come on out, girls! Let's dance! Let's dance! Make sure to keep doing those silent auctions, the bucket.

Wait, guys, we made a huge mistake. We accidentally included all of Seb's business ideas. The brilliant businessman, Sebastian von Hugrent, who had to move away from the bar. Yeah, he had to move away because his businesses were too successful. Isn't that right? Quickly, try to get them out of there before too many people buy them. Oh, shoot. We can't.

Now they're definitely on sale. I'm going to run over there and try to buy them for myself. Not before I do. Chalice, give me a persuasion check. Chip, give me a deception check. Okay. We need the average of the two to be above a 13. 23.

Okay, that's very good because I got a nine. Okay. People start moving towards, like scrambling towards signing up for the silent auction for Seb's business ideas. And all the little rats are moving and grooving on stage, having a blast. And we cut to post-fundraiser. The last couple of people shuffle out. And it's Kathy and Craig start to shuffle out. Honestly, it was really nice to have an honest conversation.

I feel like we made a lot of headway. Shut the f*** up, Craig. We're going home. Hey, Kathy was here too. She didn't have any right. Yeah. A little bit of a hypocrite. I would say so.

They'll deal with that on their own. Not our problem. No, we'll get involved in that marriage later. I'm meddling. I'm meddling. You're right. Sorry, I meant to say not our problem tonight. Can't wait to dive straight into that tomorrow. For sure. Oh'm meddling. You're right. Sorry. I meant to say not our problem tonight. Can't wait to dive straight into that tomorrow.

For sure. Oh my gosh. What a day. I can't believe it. I'm finally mayor. Let's let her have it. Alright. Whatever. She did a good job. You did do a good job, Jennifer. I'm actually

Ooh. Am I going to say this? Yeah, I'm proud of you. Thank you. How'd that feel, Jealous? Awful. Yeah. Don't say it. I would not recommend saying it.

Wasn't planning on it. Can we count the gold? Let's count that gold. Count that gold. Count that gold. Money dance, money dance, money dance. Okay. For each of these individuals, what I'm going to have you roll is a D100.

You can pick who's going to do that. You can have them roll right now. That's going to be the percentage of people that donated. Not me. Okay. Not Aaron. And then I want someone to roll a D20, just flat. Elizabeth, you want to roll the D20 and i'll roll the d100 okay holy cow 94

oh my god oh my god i got 17 honey holy cow so it's 228 people donated to the campaign and the average donation was 17 gold pieces. Holy cow. Y'all raised 3,883 gold pieces. We didn't even do that much, bitch. Oh my God. F*** you. That rules. We're rich now.

What do we do? We should make bottoms up a strip joint you guys yeah what were we thinking i don't know if you guys have been following the news lately but you're only allowed to use campaign funds on the campaign just as a heads up oh my god are you kidding yeah that's kind of a big thing nowadays in the news you guys that means we can afford pam kane she was only 2 000 gold pieces i don't think we need her i don't think we need her. I don't think we need Pam Kane. Not when you got yourself a campaign grandma, an assistant, an old Secret Service chip over here.

And a mayor. Hands in on three. So we leave them out until three? We're just saying hands in. We're just saying hands in on three. Count it off. Well, on three, you put your hands in. No, we're just saying hands in, right? We're just saying hands in on three. Count it off. Well, on three, you put your hands in. Oh, okay.

And then we'll do a count to three, and we'll say mayor at the end of that. Yeah. Okay, so Beef, go ahead and start us off. Hands in on three. One, two, three. We don't say anything, so silently put your hand in. In. No, silently.

Start over. Start over. Hands in on three. One, two, three. Jennifer. I didn't say anything. I just made a noise. Don't make a noise.

Start over. Hands in on three. One, two, three. Okay, I'll take it. All right. Mayor on three. One, two, three. Mayor!

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Pair wrote the theme song, Elizabeth and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon, ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So shout out to patrons like Buffy Belmont Bugs and Basketball Bunch of Seagulls

Butt Sword and C4 Bread and many more. So hop on now for five bucks and get access to over 100 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon shout out to the Kitchen Rats! This week's episode is...

Slow Tuesday Part 3! Another peek behind the curtain where you get to see what the Bottoms Up gang is up to when there's no big adventure afoot! And this Slow Tuesday has major implications that could shake the very foundation

of the show. So you can check it out at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D and D. Okay. I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday. Thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.