SitcomD&D - S5 E15: Honey, We Shrunk.

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

In order to infiltrate and sabotage Mayor Naise campaign fundraiser the BUGs will have to think big and get small. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle,Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This weekend, I ran a little race called the Silver Lake Classic out here in Southern California. The gun is about to go off, so I'm right where I'm supposed to be, which is directly next to Travis Barker. What? On my Mount Rushmore of famous people to meet, because I'm a drummer and idolized Blink-182 since I was like 11. He's just by himself standing directly next to me.

He's married to Kourtney Kardashian. Sean, there's a chance Kourtney had eyes on you for a hot second when she was looking at Travis at the start of this race. It would have been a hot second because I smoked his ass. Yeah, were you trying to impress him? I was like, should I just run the whole race next to him so we have like i can just be like wow what a harrowing race and like we did it together and like should i was like should i like cut through the wind for him so he can draft yeah yeah so you can draft on me well i went all that went through my head um

but ultimately i just left him in the dust what's so funny is like i immediately told another one of my friends from growing up right afterwards he'd called me i told him about it and he's like so did you get his information like you got to be using these opportunities like you could be friends with him i was like what are you talking in what way do i like capture him throw him in my trunk, and then... I should have captured him. Yeah, you're hearing it out loud now. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience.

a real play Dungeons and Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're going to be picking up, you guessed it, inside Bottoms Up with the Bugs. In fact, what they've just done is escort John the Crier off the premises yet again. He had some BS law that just got passed that he claims isn't targeting the Bugs, but it is that they can't do thumb wars anymore. Thumb wars are no longer allowed. And it just so happens to coincide with that being the bug's favorite thing to do. So y'all are pretty pissed as you kick John the Crier out. And as you are kicking him out, Chip, you can't help but notice that on the door, the front door of Bottoms Up, is a flyer. And the flyer is for a black tie fundraiser for Mayor Nay's campaign. And we're going to pick up there.

So quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Dice. When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Peep At the Noble Bottoms Up

As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. And stay out! What is this?

Somebody put a flyer on our door. They're trying to make fun of us, I think. What do you mean, Chippy? Does it say kick me? No, that's on my back. I don't know who put that one there. Does it say you want to go to the dance with me? Yes, no, just kidding, not at all.

No. Beef, what happened to you? Oh, I also got one of those in high school. Beef, did you get one of those in high school? Oh, the pigs don't dance. Pigs famously can't dance. Pigs don't dance? Not with that attitude.

You know what? That's what I was always saying to them. Chalice, but they really, no, they rather go with you. Beef, are you saying this whole episode concept is going to be us teaching a bunch of pigs how to dance? Is that what you're saying right now? It could not be. We have not enough time. If you want to teach pigs to dance, get the most famous dancing pig to do it, Kevin Bacon.

Doesn't he live in a town where dancing's illegal? Chalice grabs the note out of Chip's hand. Oh my gosh. What does it say? What does it say? Okay, this is a little passive aggressive. Passive? This is actively is a little passive aggressive. Passive? This is actively aggressive.

You're right. The mayor's having a fundraising campaign tonight. Boo. And they put a flyer for it on our door as if we'd show up and give them a dime of our money. We would never do that, gentlemen. And there's a disclaimer at the bottom. It says no rats dancing allowed. That is mean. Targeted.

Targeted. Rude. Oh my God. It's almost like we should go and totally sabotage the whole event. Could you imagine us doing that? That would be nuts. It would really hurt their campaign a lot, though. We should go.

We should go and sabotage their whole event. Yeah, we totally should. We've been playing above board this whole time. And if we don't get caught, I think we could break a little of the rules. You know what I'm saying? Whoa. You're saying maybe we assassinate the mayor. I think that's a little extreme, but maybe if it comes to it.

Okay, so kind of somewhere in between the two. Yeah. We assassinate his campaign. Yeah. Oh, okay. We cause a little mess at the... A little dirty mess that he has to clean up. Oh, yeah.

We burn the whole place to the ground, kill everybody inside. You guys are doing like a weird circle. You're encircling each other, and you're almost stepping on me. This is weird vibe you guys are putting out. We're sort of brainstorming. The voices we use.

I kind of like this idea. Black tie event. Chip, you look great in a tie. Thank you very much. You also look very good, Beef. Is that a new haircut today? It is. It is.

Guys, shut up. There's no freaking way we can just show up, dress nice, and they would let us in. Not a chance in hell. Well, what are you suggesting? How do we get in there, then? I don't know. We have to sneak in. We've snuck in places before.

I'm small. It's easy for me. You want to get small? You hear a voice from the bar. He doesn't even look up. Pardon? I said, you want to get small? Has anyone ever seen this man before?

I have not seen this man before. Have you seen this man before? I have not seen this man before. Jesus Christ. Hey, man.. Have you seen this man before? I have not seen this man. Jesus Christ. Hey, man. What are you doing at our bar saying stuff like that? What are you doing here? He pushes away from the bar.

The name's Magical Moranis. And he looks like if Rick Moranis hadn't slept in weeks and was wearing Mickey Mouse's Fantasia getup. He's got red robes and a tall blue wizard's hat with stars and moons on it. And this wizard is the most goofy looking wizard, goofy ass looking wizard I've ever seen. I'm sitting right here.

I asked you a question. What did you say about us getting small? Do you want to get small? Sneak into place. Um, yeah. Sure. We haven't done that before. That sounds fun.

Yeah, we've disguised ourselves. We've walked in just straight up, raw style, but we've never done... But honey, we have not shrunk ourselves. And as you say that, when you check in with everybody, because, you know, pretty good joke, you look over and see that he's already at the stairwell

leading up to where people stay at Bottoms Up, because it's a tavern and inn. And he's getting to the middle of the stairs, looks back at you like, are you coming? Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You've got to sign into the books to go up to the beds. You're gonna scare

goofy ass is gonna scare all the customers up there. I've been here for two days. Oh. Sorry, that's on me. I should do the security here. I should be more safe. He easily could have assassinated Jennifer

and that's on me. I don't think he's going to, Jennifer. Right? You're just going to point a big weapon at us and shrink us or something? You look back, he's rounding the corner to go to the rooms. And we follow him. Things have fallen apart in a really predictable way since Seb left.

We are dropping the ball on a lot of the bottoms up logistics. And he normally kept everything in order. Yeah, things were going so well. Chaos free. And as you enter his room, the door closes behind you, and he's standing behind the door, so it's almost a reveal. So you want to get small, I have to caution you that this is magic that

can be dangerous. And you look at the top of his staff and it looks like a normal wizard staff, but on top of it, instead of there being like a crystal or a gem at the top, it is like a one for one miniature of the machine and laser from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. If I do this, you will be small. Okay. Small until the stroke of midnight. Then you go back to being your normal selves. Midnight tonight or midnight in like a year? Great question. I'm not a f***ing leprechaun. Then you go back to being your normal selves. Midnight tonight or midnight in like a year?

Great question. I'm not a f***ing leprechaun. I don't speak in riddles. Why are you so mad at us? This was your idea, dude. We don't need to do this. I'm leaving. Yeah.

No, no. I'm leaving. I'm sorry. You're telling me it's dangerous. You're swearing at me and my friends. No, it's because I lost my kids. Oh. Wait, you're not a leprechaun because you lost your kids? They all sit crisscross applesauce.

Yeah, we sit down. Ready for story time. I went out drinking with my pals. It had been a long work week. And I work at the it doesn't even matter anymore. I haven't been there in years. He doesn't work.

He doesn't have a job. Unemployed. But I left my staff at home and my kids got a hold of it and started messing around with it and they shrunk themselves so friggin small I never saw them again. Oh. So nowunk your kids. So now you put a deadline on your shrinkage just to keep people safe?

Now if anyone's going to get shrunk, I'm doing it and we're doing it safe. Oh. Sorry to hear that, sir. Well, we'll keep an eye out when we're small. They're probably long dead. I know. I really, I know for sure. I honestly think they grew up my God, of course.

I honestly think they grew up to be, they got big again and they just ran away because this guy's kind of weird. Can you grow up age-wise if you're small? Let's ask. Whoa. Can you grow up age-wise if you're small? Does time work differently? I've never talked to anybody who stayed small long enough to see if you age

in a different way. Typically, I have had people say, after being turned small for six to eight hours, that they feel like they had, in fact, aged a week. But again, that's hard to say. So your kids are probably

older than you now, and probably. Don't pull that string. Don't pull that string. Don't pull that thread. Sorry. Do not pull that thread. I am going to keep my eyes out for a bunch of old little people. I'll tell you. This thing shrinks anything and everything except regret.

Oh, my God. He's tried to shrink his regret. It's so sad. All right. line up against the wall line up line up against the wall uh sir sorry but um i know i normally i'm immediately jumping for this idea not asking any questions would it be better if we went closer to the venue because i feel like we're so far. That's such a good point. Yeah. It would take us like a week to get there if we're small. And then we're going to be what? A hundred.

Like your kids. Like, all right, fine. But, um, uh, I,

if I do this, um, can we maybe say I can stay here for maybe just a couple of weeks for no pay. If I just, so I think while I figure things out. I do work. I do work.

You seem like a guy that's always trying to figure things out. Guilty. I mean, this is your room, so up to you. You know what? Who cares? Since Seb's gone, I've been sleeping underneath his bed, waiting for him to come home. So, yeah, who cares? You can stay here, sure.

Yeah. I guess just longer until I finally get my room to myself, I guess. All right, we're in, sir. Shrink us. We got a deal. All right. But not Jennifer. I guess Jennifer can stay the same size.

Yeah, I don't want to get double small. All right, but I'm not driving. I've been drinking. Who's driving? I got it. All right, put that ass in gear. Wait. Chalice grabs all of their black tie gear.

They should still look correct for this event. She hates being underdressed. Can we bring the wig wagon and then that gets shrunk too? I told you this thing can shrink everything. Besides regret. Except for regret. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

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of the house there's a lot of carts pulling up into like a almost like a cul-de-sac um type driveway where people are coming in on one end getting dropped off it's kind of like a cul-de-sac type driveway where people are coming in on one end, getting dropped off. It's kind of like a red carpet type of situation happening and then moving along. So lots of people, lots of commotion, lots of fanfare, people taking portraits of people as they enter the event, people wearing their finest.

And you guys are about a half block away from this in an alley, kind of peering around, seeing it and getting ready to go. All right. Is everybody ready ready to go. Alright. Is everybody ready? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Chalice, can you fix my, can you help me with my bow tie, please? Oh yeah, I gotcha. And she Velcros it together.

Thank you, Chalice. Stay still. This may feel a little bit itchy. And then he blasts you with a staff. Wait, what? No! No! And then we move just a little bit.

No! No! Yeah, Chalice goes to run. When you get blasted with the energy that is emanating out of this staff, you feel yourself... Itchy is an understatement, you feel your skin crawling and like you want to clot off and then maybe something like is coming from it. And as you're staring at your hands, they begin to change and you begin to get smaller and

smaller. It looks like actually the buildings next to you are just skyrocketing into the air and it gives you intense vertigo you're almost nauseated the whole world is spinning and as you look at each other give me a perception check 17 19 you all look and you're like how bad how dizzy am i because all i'm seeing is i'm looking at jennifer who's now my height and i'm seeing like three j Jennifers except for then you just realize that not only are you small it was effective but you've all also been turned into rats

what? we don't sign up for this I'm touching my body and I'm looking in a puddle and I'm freaking I'm touching beef's body and I'm freaking Chalice is touching beef's body and screaming but it's so loud and high pitched that no one can hear it. Oh, no.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this so much. You look over and there is one of you is still a human. Is it me? It is not. It is Jennifer. it is not it is jennifer and jennifer however you imagine her looking as a human that's exactly what she looks like she has hair everywhere on her body but she's human i was gonna say she looks

like jennifer love hewitt yeah i just picked this i just pictured a celebrity Jennifer. That is generous. Jenniferous. Let's just say I don't picture Jennifer as Jennifer Love Hewitt. I just want to say this. It's when artists talk about, hey, the lyrics to my song, everyone interprets it differently and nobody's wrong. Whatever the listener thinks Jennifer looks like as a human, you are correct.

That is exactly what she looks like. Holy crap. Oh my God. Oh my God. are correct that is exactly what she looks like holy crap oh my god oh my god holy no we don't either we don't either trust me you brought the wig wagon oh let me put on a rat costume please i feel weird oh i left that one back at home. I'm sorry. And I returned mine to Party City finally. Oh, good for you Beef. Trying to get some good grace back in the Party City. They beat the shit out of him though when they walked in.

Guys, focus! It's already pretty late into the evening. We turn into humans at midnight. We don't want that happening here. You look over at Jennifer. She looks she's dressed as a Hondaonda accord now um excuse me it's one of seb's one of seb's disguises oh oh thank you thank you so what do we think how are we getting in i mean you know where all the holes in the place are right aren't you a hole finder do you little you get little rats? You? That was weird.

God, you look so weird, Jennifer. It's hard to concentrate. Don't look at me! I don't even want to be looked at! I figured you'd want to be human. I hear you singing every night. You're always like, I wish I was a human in the size of my

friends. You sing it every night. Yeah, how do you feel? I hate it. I want to be a real human. I'm a little freak right now. No, you look great. And Beef's eating trash now.

Well, Beef's the same. That's good. Thank you for being the consistent voice of reason here, Beef. Guys, the first thing we gotta do as a rat pack, we gotta do a little rat con. AKA, that's when rats do recon. Follow me. And she leads you around the corner and scurries, and you guys are kind of like ducking and weaving in between

the trash to get closer to the main event. You know what I'm realizing everybody? What? Is that Magical Moran has turned his kids into rats forever like no wonder he couldn't find his kids they're little rats running around somewhere he could have just killed the rat center in his house yeah where did he go actually he i saw him walk away scream laughing that's crazy man do you think he just went back to the hotel or the inn? I think so.

I mean, we gave him like four weeks of free stay. This guy's a criminal, I'm feeling like. So just in case it doesn't come up, between this episode and the next episode, we will have murdered him. Just as a heads up. Just as a heads up. You're just kind of saying that to anyone and everyone yes yeah for anybody who's listening

in case we don't capture it on audio or whatever we certainly murder that guy he will have died by our hands yeah we follow jennifer okay great thank you and you move through like a little wrought iron fence and you're in some tall grass and you've got a great visual of the mayor's estate. So give me a perception roll chalice. Ooh, not bad. 22. With a 22, you see some options. You see some air ducts that is almost like an HVAC system almost, but it's like a chimney system and like a heating system.

So like pipes and ducts and whatnot. And then you see that there are some musicians who have large string instruments and their cases that they are unloading from a cart on the side that they are moving into the place. On the back of the estate estate you see actually food service and there are large cakes that have already been built and are mostly decorated just need a few finishing touches being moved into the estate as well and then of course you see the regular fanfare of people making their way down this red carpet um and you see they're carrying things like parasols they have super large wigs hoop skirts things like that i do feel like the people that would be the most cautious and looking out for rats are the chefs and the people in the kitchen but those cakes look super tasty so i'm

going straight for the cake yeah i'm thinking we burrow into the cake? Eat it all. Eat whatever we want inside of it. High risk, high reward. Pop out. People are like, ah, there's rats in the cake. Oh, yeah. Disgusting. Who would ever throw a party with rats in the cake?

Oh, we are the sabotage. We are the sabotage. It works on two levels. But what if they kill us? Oh. But also, people love rats now. Yeah, but do the rich and the elite love rats now? I guess there's only one way to find out.

Yeah. Or, or. Oh, oh, Charles has got an idea. We give up and we go kill that wizard right now. It's all good options. But I'm sorry, guys. When there's cake right in front of me, I don't know about y'all, but I gotta

stick my head in that little cake. Okay. This will be the plan. We'll go in through the cake. We'll explode out of it. But we all have to run so fast. Where are we gonna meet to stay safe and come up with part two of the plan? The chef's hat.

The chef's hat. Okay. Everybody, split out of the cake. Eat as much cake as you want. Not too much that you fall asleep. Beef, looking right at you. Direct eye contact with you. Looking right at you.

Direct eye contact with you, Beef. Just one nap before. Just one nap before we jump out. Please, Chalice. No, because then we're going to nap. It's going to be midnight. And then we're going to be our full size. It's going to be a disaster. So, look at we're going to nap. It's going to be midnight and then we're going to be our full size. It's going to be a disaster. So

look at me, beef. Chip. Nobody eats so much that you have to fall asleep, okay? We'll split out the cake. We'll all meet, reconvene in the chef's hat, okay? Jennifer? Let's have our cake and eat it too.

Yeah, beef, come over here Over to the side Do you want to take shifts napping? Yeah, of course The whole time Chalice was talking and I was like Nodding my head, like there's gonna be a way we're gonna work around this You almost fell asleep And you haven't even eaten the cake yet

Chalice is looking directly at them We're pointing at them I'm like a foot away gesticulating so much okay we're ready all right so um in order to get to um this outside food staging area where they're taking things from carts and moving that into the estate on your perception check you also notice that you know there's course, security at this, and they are in full armor, and they are posted at the door

and each entrance, and then there are multiple security folks fully armed just walking the perimeter and a couple on top of the roof as well. So just give me a stealth check with advantage, all of you. Non-natural 20. 15.

I got 15. Okay. You all sneak to where the food is being entered in without a problem. But this food is being closely inspected by the head chef as it enters. He's not letting anything in that looks like it is not up to par. It can't even enter the mayor's premises if something looks to be even slightly spoiled or rotten or has a weird smell coming from it. Only the best food is making it into the estate. Does this cake have any decorations on it?

One in every three cakes has some sort of decorations on them already. Will we go for the one? Yeah, I'd like to like, basically, the goal is to remove the decoration, dig a hole in there, and put the decoration back. Okay. Very clever. Very smart.

Give me a stealth check with advantage. First roll's a 19. Second roll's a 4. Not bad. 15. I me a stealth check with advantage. First roll's a 19. Second roll's a four. Not bad. 15. I got a 17. Y'all head up the ramp as someone has just come down.

And this was a big cake. You timed it well. Two people had to hold this one. And they are very focused. And you run up the wooden plank into the covered wagon and you see a primo cake with a little figurine on the top that is mayor nays with the mayor's crown atop his head in celebration oh that's great can we like pop that off so that becomes like yeah like pop that off the top so it could be kind of like a submarine thing for us.

That's the kind of cartoon thinking we need, Malene. Yes, Malene. Yes. Yes. That's exactly right. Yeah, me too. That just got me really hyped. That was a fun image.

That felt good. Yeah, you guys pop that top and you get in that sucker. You are inside the mayor's cake oh my god guys it's carrot cake wait what in hell no i see little bits of broccoli this is like a healthy carrot cake hold on i just i'm so used to eating jennifer's cooking but this might actually taste good there's freaking no way and beef like grabs a clump off and he starts eating and he's like oh oh oh we might be malnourished guys this only tastes good because it's healthy okay that's not i don't think that's how healthy food works generally i think your food tastes bad and

is unhealthy i spoil you guys with bad taste and bad food. No, no, no. You feed us spoiled stuff. It's different, Jennifer. We're getting picked up. We're getting picked up. Yeah, we're going in. We're going in.

All right, Beef, I'm going to nap. Beef, I'm taking a snooze. Sure. Beef takes a first look through the submarine. The periscope? Yeah. What did you say? The periscope? Yeah. What did you say? The periscope. The periscope

of Mayer's eyes. Okay, so give me a perception check, Beef. 14. Okay. As you get to the helm of this thing and you're looking through it and your little head's popped out. No, see what actually what we did and maybe you didn't realize

this, but in the cake, we actually set up a system so that there's a periscope that uses the cake topper's eyes as binoculars. Listen to the man. Tell him to leave. Maybe you missed that, but that is what happened. So we don't actually even need to pop our head out of this thing. So you're using your uh your mayor scope and thank you yes you don't have to roll for that it's too good of an idea it works and the second that you start to look through it beef you are like making eye contact

through the mayor scope uh with that head chef and he kind of squints at it and then and i'm squinting back yeah press the squint button yeah i'm going back i'm squinting back i'm squinting back it squints back at him and he like shakes his head he's like oh he's like i gotta stop stressing myself out i am hallucinating no job is worth this and then he just like you plan let's with this guy let's ruin this guy's mental health. And he nods and lets it go through as he takes off his hat for a second and just kind of like wipes sweat off his brow. It's like, Jesus. And then he starts looking at the next dish.

And you guys move into the main space where you are seeing through the periscope. There are hundreds of attendees dressed to the nines, laughing, drinking, and cavorting about, and you get set on a main table. Not too far from the mayor himself, who's hosting some folks, laughing in an over-the-top manner that doesn't feel authentic, and smiling and taking portraits with people.

Guys, we're in. Oh, what? Guys, yeah. Just dancing and talking. They don't deserve this. You guys remember when that guy kicked Seb out a window? Oh my god, that was insane. That happened so fast, too. How about that? That was upsetting.

That was wild. So much happened that night with Seb leaving that we barely processed that day. Are we sticking with the plan? Are we going to explode out and then meet back in the chef's hat? I mean, jumping out, part of me is just like, let's just jump out and see what the reaction is and kind of improvise from there. But we can maybe plan if they're excited about it, we do this. If they hate it, we do that this if they hate it we do that if they love

it we dance if we love it we dance well they said no rats dancing at the oh because they specifically said no rats dancing i like it and then the more they like it then we end with like a bang and we bite somebody and then they freak out i don't know. Do we have everyone's attention? Is there a way that we can get everyone to look over at the cake? Well, isn't it common at a mayor's fundraiser that the mayor goes up to the biggest cake and he cuts the cake

and he feeds himself the first piece? Yeah. Yeah. We got to make sure we're the cake he picks. Mm-hmm. Well, your prayers have been answered because he's walking over right now, getting everyone's attention. And one of the servers.

All right. Mayor Nays is going to do the inaugural cake cutting before. Of course, we get things underway. This means that this party is about to be in full effect. So. It came to me in a dream once. Mayor Nays, here is your cutting knife. And, well, enjoy.

There's a small smattering of polite applause as everyone's attention is now on the mayor. Listen, everyone, thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate it. We're going to have some music here towards the end of the night. Before that, I will say a few words about, you know, our platform and our campaign. But for now, just want to welcome everyone to the party. I hope you're having fun.

Get some food. And let's cut this cake and get this thing started. Watch out for the big knife. Watch out for the giant knife that's about to come for us. Oh, yeah. Give me a dexterity check, all of you, to see if you can dodge this knife as it comes into the cake. We could have been in the instruments, you guys. We had to eat cake.

18. 6. Oh, I got a 19. So the knife digs into Rat Chalice's thigh. Oh. And Chalice, give me a constitution check to see if you

scream out or not as this happens. 18. Okay, you manage not to scream. One of those screams from earlier where it's so high-pitched that no one can hear it. You do take 2d6 of damage, though. Ooh. I have 3 damage done to me.

Okay. And actually, just so everybody knows, you do have rat health, which means you're taking rat damage it's different than if someone else just got scraped by a knife because you're so small but you have rat health which is just 10 hp so you took three damage and now you're down to seven i could have died then if i had rolled two sixes is what you're saying currently gone unconscious i guess you you know you yeah you could have got pretty badly hurt what a way for Chalice to go as a rat inside of a carrot cake.

You know what? Whatever. As broccoli. But maybe this works. It could work like polymorph, which actually, or like wild shape, which basically means that when you turn into an animal and you go down to zero HP, you just turn back into yourself. Yeah.

So maybe his kids somewhere exploded back into being kids after their... I think they just ran away at a certain point after their dad practiced his experiments on them. And I think that that's fair. They were left alone with it. He didn't do it on them.

I don't believe it. I think there was a kid in the setup. I doubt that. Honey, he shrunk those kids. Honey, he shrunk those kids. Okay, the mayor feels the resistance on Chalice's rat leg. Uh-oh.

And hits bone. Oh, my God, John, no. That's a carrot. And he hears that shouted out, but it's just rat gibberish. It's... Or the mayor figurine screams on top of the cake and he like pauses and then he furrows his brow like looking like into the cake like what is going on yeah this is the time we open the cake topper and we all jump out we burst out we burst out

okay you burst out of this cake are you staying on top of the cake to kind of see a reaction? Are you scurrying? What are you guys doing? I feel like, I don't know, my brain is going to flubber. The scene where all the flubbers are dancing. And that's us on the cake as little rats. Okay. Chalice is really making a meal out of how much blood is coming out of her leg, though,

to make it even more horrifying. Yes, yes. The mayor just got everyone's attention, said, thank you for coming. Let's get this thing, let's get this party started in his cool way. And then he ran into some resistance in the cake,

looked a little confused, got closer to it, inspected it. Three rats and a rat-sized human. Topper screams. Don't forget the topper. The topper screams. Everyone's like, huh? And then three rats and a rat-sized human. Sorry. Topper screams. Don't cry at the top. Topper screams. The topper screams. Everyone's like, huh? And then three rats and a rat-sized human

explode out of the top, and three of them start dancing to no music. It is absolutely silent in this room. You could hear a pin drop, and one of them is profusely bleeding all over the cake. We're doing the Rockette dance. Okay, I can't stress how shocked and silent the room is while this is happening for the first seven seconds.

Okay, and we're like, five, six, seven, eight, five. What the f*** is going on? And then all hell breaks loose. People start screaming. Let's go. People start scrambling. Okay. They're rats!

And then they're like, it's enemies from the other campaign! You hear people screaming like, are they just regular rats? They're just regular rats. Jennifer, say in human that you're, you support the mayor. No!

I support the mayor! And as that's happening, the whole table gets knocked over to the side in all the chaos. Oh! And y'all spill to the ground. And now you are in real trouble of getting stepped on by a party goer. Scatter.

I scatter. Yeah, I scatter. And I head towards the kitchen to meet in our already determined meeting spot. Scramble to the chef's head. Don't tell him where we're going. Jennifer. Jennifer. I said it in rat. Oh. Oh. We don't tell him where we're going. Jennifer. Jennifer. I said it in rat.

Oh. Oh. We don't know the difference. We don't know. Idiot. Give me a dexterity saving throw to see if you can navigate the stomping feet and get to the chef's hat in that original staging room of the food. 21.

Natural 20. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. No. You cannot have botched if we rolled a 20 and. 21. Natural 20. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. You cannot have botched if we rolled a 20 and a 21. You can't. You cannot. Wait, what's my modifier?

Well, did you botch? I mean, a botch is a botch. I got a five. I got a five. Oh, okay. Okay, I got a seven. So y'all are running. It is chaos.

Every time a boot hits the floor in the mayor's estate, it sounds like thunder is happening as you scramble for the open door. You are moving and navigating. You can't tell if it's luck or if you're watching one foot coming down and you're trying to judge where it's going to land and avoid it. But at the same time, there's another foot also backing up twice as fast, coming from an erratic direction because this room is just panicking. Chip, Chalice, Jennifer, you all make it through the open crack to the door.

Beef, you are a step away from that door when a boot crunches down on your bottom half. Excuse me! You're gonna take 3d6 damage here. Oh. I'm gonna die. 3d6? Okay, I got a three. Okay.

I got a two. Okay, five. And I got a four. Okay. five. And I got a four. Okay. So you have one HP left. Okay. Where's Seb? I know, we have no way that can cure wounds or heal anymore.

Oh my God, that's such a nightmare. We have to add a new cast member. I'm screaming for Seb because I'm the one that always almost dies and he always brings me back to life. If it's any consolation, none of us have spells right now. Jennifer just sees that you just got squanched and so she just grabs your hands

because you're splayed flat. Guys, help me pull Beefy. Beefy got squooshed. I'm a pancake. They squooshed our Beef. I'm a pancake. They squooshed our Beef. I'm half cake

Oh beef Beef stay with us Is it bad? You're okay Is it bad? No no it's good It's good Is it bad?

It looks good We look at her back half That's fully as flat Like she just got steamrolled Full pancake Full pancake ass Will I be able to dance again? I don't know if you'll be able to walk.

Jealous! Jealous. Sorry. Sorry. Keep it together. Or live, frankly. Also, get your blood off of her. I can't. I'm making a meal out of it.

What does that mean? I feel like you're eating it now. I have these rat impulses. As you pull Beef around the corner into that new room, you guys are tucked behind one of the, you're hiding behind essentially a tablecloth that's hanging off one of the tables that the food was staged on in like a little corner of the room there,

right next to the door. And you hear from the other room, everybody calm down, calm and everyone slowly the chaos in the room starts to become under control and people stop running around screaming we had a little problem all right we had a little rat problem but uh i think it's only fitting that that happened when this campaign has a little rat problem oh god he's using it as part of his god we became symbolism oh jesus my ass is flat oh he's was shut up, Jennifer. Not even true. Beef, honestly, not true.

Yeah, not even true. It's kind of the opposite. Not even true. You have a juicy great ass. Objectively. Thank you, Cannon. You have an objectively juicy ass. Thank you, Bugs.

Like, concerningly so. Mm-hmm. It's like ready to burst medically. You medically have a juicy ass. That's ready to burst, baby. What are we doing? I swear it's going to pop. The mayor's in the middle of his speech.

Are we in the chef's hat? No, you're under a table, like a tablecloth, in that staging food room. So you can peer out the crack of the door if you want to have a look at the mayor giving a speech. I don't need to see this.

There's got to be more rats around. I will say, that is literally a power that jennifer has yeah she can put on her helmet i think we should call the rat call upon the rats yeah if we can get jennifer's helm and one of us can wield it and call a bunch of rats i mean i guess i don't know if we're making things worse by doing that but i think that's all we have left. I mean, if we can get all of the town's rats into this place, like there's more rats than people in the world, right? Yeah, but we're not going to win any votes for Jennifer

if we do this. Can I ask, how are they raising money? You know, like we did the silent auction. Are they just taking donations? Like, what does it look like for them? Yeah, they're just taking donations. And it seems like there's almost like a church basket going around and people are just dumping money into it.

And there's like envelopes that are being handed to the mayor and he's like handing them off to people and they're being taken into a different room. Which room? It looks like you would have to go like up the stairs in the mayor's suite. What if we just stole all their campaign money? Yeah, let's rob them. Let's just rob them. I will say, look at this party.

Would robbing them even make a dent? And we also have more cash than we've ever had. Yeah, we are loaded right now. We're loaded because of an awesome role a couple episodes ago. How do we hurt these folks? So the mayor's wrapping up his speech as you guys think about this. So I just want to say

everybody, I couldn't do this without you. It's a team effort here. And I think our little rat problem won't stay a problem for too long if we just stay together. We haven't lost an election yet, and I don't plan to this time. Let's keep the top on top. What do you say? Four more years for myself, Mayor Nays. All right, here, here. Cheers,

everybody. Cheers. And now let's get these musicians up here and they're gonna play and sing a little song for us. And a few musicians get on stage and start playing and now let's sing to me! And everyone in the room starts singing

what must be some sort of, you know, campaign song or just a song that is often sang at parties. But everyone is singing along with the band on stage. Are they accredited? Yeah, give me a perception check. 18. They're not wearing pins.

Scandal! And there's nothing bad happening to him No smoke guys are grabbing him It seems like you're not quite sure But it's either them The individuals who are like the elite Or maybe his estate But none of them seem worried

About singing even though they don't have A pin It seems like they are living under Different rules So maybe just like where we are the rules don't apply you know what this could mean chalice yeah we could have sex right now oh god 100 rat sex i i had the same thought but you guys i don't even think we need to sabotage this anymore because this is bullshit all the rich people the rules don't apply to them

such a good point i have the tooth that i can go up to everyone at every campaign event and show them what i'm looking at right now tell us uh scurries and looks and watches to have this memory of all the rich having the rules not apply to them whoa yeah you have that memory locked and you will be able to share it with that magical item cool so let's go steal all their money yeah let's do something as a bonus we um we don sunglasses and we say let's do this thing yeah okay chip puts on the helm and tries to call the rats it's awesome it looks so cool as you're doing this i want to let everyone know you never asked me and your characters never thought to do it i'm being nice and giving you a what 30 seconds heads up that it's about to turn midnight and you're about

to turn big oh my god what you never checked in you never asked about the time we spent a lot of time thinking about playing but he just put on a cool hat he's put on a helm we're about to go steal the money you know what our characters don't know so i'm playing i'm playing like chip has no clue yeah i'm playing like let's go we're let us live in the joy for 30 more seconds okay Okay. So you would have to attune to that helm. Give me a constitution saving throw. I'll tell you right now, it would have to be over an 18 to attune to it. Now, I don't normally do this, but I am going to ask for advantage. Reason being that I believe this thing was made of the staff that controlled the rats in the first place,

which was something that I previously controlled, and the only reason that Jennifer exists and the rats are part of our life is because I stole that staff and I brought the rats to bottom. Let them roll three times. Your familiarity with the staff and

you having wielded it before its current iteration, I'll give you advantage for that that's good reasoning i love how this doesn't even matter we're about to be ourselves in 30 seconds 18 hell yeah chip give me uh because you don't have a ton of time to have the rat call kind of pulsate out of this helm. Give me a D100 check to see how many rats come. 62 rats flood into this place. Do you have a command for them?

Yeah, my command is steal as much gold as you possibly can and bring it to bottoms up. They are going to go ahead and do so. They snap an action and just start scurrying around looking for gold. So 62 rats bust into the party. They came into the vents. They came in through all angles of the estate. And at least 50 of them actually made it through here. And now they explode

throughout the party, are going up the stairs, going every which way. And there is chaos and mass hysteria that interrupts the song that was happening that all the rich and elite were singing along with the mayor and in that moment chip your head starts to really hurt and throb as you realize this helmet is way too tight and then it explodes off the top of your head because you are getting big quick you just saved you an hour of looking up sound effects. That was the perfect sound. In fact, you're all feeling very the opposite of itchy.

You're starting to feel real smooth and you're getting real big. And you're also having the spins because it is very disorienting to have your size change in a space. And your head quickly hits the top of the table that you were all hiding underneath and tips it over, spilling a bunch of food to the ground. Oh, no. Now that we have our powers back, I'd like to disguise myself for me and then invisible Chip and Chalice.

Great. Thank you. Brilliant. Cool. You do just that. So you disguise yourself. What do you look like, Beef? I turn and I see a woman that looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt as a rat.

That's what you turn into? I just turn into a very rich woman. That looks exactly like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Amazing. Amazing. And then the other two go invisible? Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Gotcha. And then Jenniferennifer is on around because she's a rat yeah she hops into chip's pocket and so now there's just a rat floating she's just kind of floating looking like she's sitting in the middle of the air that's distracting so i take her out i throw her on the ground with all the other rats and then i go jennifer over here and then she scurries up my gown chalice and Chip are still having sex because we haven't said anything yet. Thank you for making us invisible. You're welcome.

What do y'all do at this point? We head for the back door. We stop having sex. And then we leave. And then we leave. I'd like to steal more gold. I'd like to help the rats steal the gold. You don't see any honeypot or where you'd be able

to get into where all the gold was being stored or anything like that. You see a lot of gold running in rats' hands that are just kind of screwing every which way, kind of disorganized. And it's like trying to catch dollars in one of those dollar wind machines on your birthday. It's like, that would be really tough and maybe not a good use of time. But you do see one of the church baskets that were going around to get collections just sitting unmanned to the left on your way out and you could grab all of it you know as or as much as you can out of it i mean i guess i'll just try and snag the actual basket itself feels like a good carrying thing yeah now you are invisible and this thing would be like floating through the air yeah we'll deal with that later. Beef.

What? Fart before you leave. What? A terrible fart. The worst fart you've ever farted. Beef, please. Please. To ruin the party.

Well, if you say please. And then she loads up the stinkiest, stinkiest fart to the side of Frasier's ever heard or smelt or felt. She blasts it. Does this count as an attack roll because if so you'll be you'll you won't be disguised self anymore give me an attack roll beef oh oh we got an 18 you blast it and immediately it's like a you know a smoke bomb went off in this place people if they weren't screaming and scrambling before, they certainly are now. And this will go down in history

as one of the worst political events since outside of Four Seasons launched this. People are taking chairs and throwing them through windows and they're shattering and they're screaming. They're clawing at their eyes. And some of the chairs are bouncing off the dense fog that is Beef's fart

because it's so thick. And hitting them back in the face. It's f***ing mayhem in here, man. Mayhem. There's somebody that's like, my legs, my legs. Yeah, insert SpongeBob sound effects. All right, and you guys are out

into the open air, down the block, and we'll actually cut back all the way to Bottoms Up. You reenter the bar, and to your surprise, there are a bunch of people hanging out at Bottoms Up, drinking as if there were employees there. It's almost like this place runs better

when we're not here. All the customers just know how to get their drinks and get their food without us here. Passive income. All right, let's kill that wizard, huh? Amen. That wizard, huh? Amen.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parr wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love. So, special shout out to patrons like Caden, Caleb, CamBailey77, Canary Witch, Candini Cakes, Captain Fancy Pants, Captain Brown, and many more. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over 100 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, this week's episode is Improv Jobs. Aaron brings a list of 20 occupations to the recording,

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