SitcomD&D - S5 E18: Croquene (w/ Allison Reese)

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

The BUGs take part in a charity sporting event in order to try and garner more good will for Jennifer's mayoral campaign. But when they get paired with a frenemy from Chalice's past the stakes of the event are drastically raised.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle,Guest Starring: Allison ReeseTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I did that thing where I don't know how we got at the topic, but I started talking about Josh Groban. And I'm married. You don't know how? I think we all know how that happens. We've all been there with you, Erin. We know the trap.

We've all been there with you, Erin. We know the trap. We know the trap that you set, asking the bar owner to, of course, play some Josh Groban. I'm like outside of Leeds house with a clipboard being like, do you have a second to talk about Josh Groban? Please leave. And if that doesn't work, Erin, we know that you go,

what have you been reading lately? Do you know how else loves books? Beauty from Beauty and the Beast. Wait, didn't Josh Groban play the beast in the live action Beauty and the Beast? And sometimes I forget and I jump right to Josh Groban loves books. I don't know if he does. You like went to another planet, dude.

You went somewhere else entirely and you got to the point where you were like, and he just has the voice of an angel. And I went, are you about to give me Kohl's cash right now? I immediately got brought down to earth in such a violent way. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up somewhere new.

And it is at an event. An event to really get some good momentum going for Jennifer's campaign. Some goodwill from the people. And that, of course, is a celebrity tournament. A celebrity sporting tournament. And the sport that you guys are participating in, again, to get the good word out about the campaign, is actually the Celebrity Crocane Tournament for Dragons with Night Blindness.

Dragons with Night Blindness? How is night spelled? That is so funny. Well, now KNIGHT. They can't find their knights. How dangerous. And crocane is a sport kind of set aside for just the fancy and the elite or the celebrity. It's basically mini golf, but instead of using a golf putter, people use their fancy canes. And so it's like croquet meets mini golf and with a cane. So we have the sport croquet. There is essentially like a uniform, just like in golf.

You kind of there's a standard apparel. And for croquet, it is like turn of the century dresses doesn't matter your gender you're wearing a turn of the century dress almost mary poppins-esque caddies as well and you are all in attendance chalice as a former princess and beef as a rock star are who you have put into the celebrity tournament. What the heck? Chip, you are going to be a caddy. A very important part of the team. I'm not going to be happy with it, just as a heads up. You were not happy. And you're not happy.

And I'm still not happy. You will see that caddies are still very important to how this will play out. Shut up. And you are all walking into the event. And the event is actually taking place in the backyard, the back estate of the Capitol Building, which is this beautiful, sprawling building. Almost looks more cathedral than anything government-esque. It's got a large gold-plated dome at the center of this enormous structure.

But where y'all will be actually hanging out today and playing in the tournament is in the backyard, the back estate, which is this sprawling garden that goes like many football fields. As y'all approach, you see a check-in table, and that is where we'll pick up. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling dice.

When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end.

So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Oh, hello.

Are we looking to check in? Big time. Hi, I'm Chalice Glass, and this is my partner, Beef. Hi, I'm Beef, and this is our caddy, Chip. No, I might actually check to see if I'm on the list.

I might be on the list for as a friend. Oh, Chip? Yes. Chip, you said you weren't going to do this. Chip, you said you weren't going to do this. Of course I said you weren't going to do this.

Of course I said I wasn't going to do this, but you knew I was. Yeah, you are on the list. I am! As a caddy. Okay. Beef, you said, and then I recognize you, Chalice Glass. Yes, I was also captain of the crocane team in school, so you might see a winner before you today.

And they are both dressed like Cressida from Bridgerton, but the new season, so insane big sleeves, insane ornamental hair with braids that go three feet up. Rouge. Circle rouge. Circle rouge. Why does my dress suck? You're a caddy Yeah but

The other caddies look wonderful You guys said mine had to look crappy What the heck? Chip's dress is full Rum Tug Tugger-esque It is C-A-T-T-I It's a caddy Oh caddy What? I look like Rum Tug Tugger? That's the catty. Yeah, it's your catty. Oh, catty. What? I look like From Tom Tucker?

That's the hottest cat from cats. You should count your stars. All right. So I'm looking here. You were supposed, the two of you, Beef and Chalice, you were supposed to be with famed comedy duo Da Show and Miss Go On. But Miss Go On has- What, died?

Unsure. But don't worry. We've got the most wonderful person filling you're unsure you should really know if she's alive or not you're not gonna care after i tell you who the other partner is you're gonna be so excited she's wonderful i'm not gonna care that somebody's dead take a look she's walking up right now and you all uh turn to look and as you look over to see who they're indicating to chalice you recognize immediately this person to be your arch-frenemy. Grenvenir Bradonkadonk.

How dare you? Is perpetually in a state of golden hour. Like, she always has this, like, golden hue to her, and her hair is just always blowing in the wind, even when there's no wind. her and her hair is just always blowing in the wind even when there's no wind and she has like resting hot in high school girl face if that makes sense

actually yes and her aura is some would say bad but but she's like really cool when you really get to know her when you really get to know her she's actually a bitch yeah she starts cool and then really get to know her. When you really get to know her, she's actually a bitch. Yeah. She starts cool and then you get to know her.

Yeah, and she's actually kind of a nightmare. Oh my gosh. Hi! Chalice. It's wonderful to see you. Oh, Chalice, you're hurting my hand. Can you let go? Shut up, you shut up.

Gren, Grenvenir, berdonk-a-donk, was my co-captain on the crocane team from school. Oh, you don't say. Nice to meet you, Gren-a-veard. These are my associates, and one is my boyfriend. Actually, I've dated both. Guess. Which one you're dating currently?

Yes. Yeah. This is fun and not embarrassing for you, Chalice. Oh, let me be in it, too. I'm a rat. He's a chef where Chalice works. The rat's in it, too. So I'm going to say, what was your name, Pork?

Beef. Beef, madame. Right. I think it's Pork. Beef, just go buy pork the rest of the day. It's just easier. Wait, what do you mean? Just it's easier.

It's easier? Charles's eyes are so bugged out of her head trying to... It's easier. Just go buy pork the rest of the day. It's not easier for Beef. Beef is going to forget it constantly. Yeah, I'm the current boyfriend. You're the current boyfriend,

but you've dated both of these. And the rat too. Is that correct? I'm a rat who's a chef and also running for mayor. Okay, okay. This is mostly, this is fine actually.

It's so good to see you. What have you been up to? What haven't I been up to god let's see i email i wow whoa oh i've i make my own ice cream these days what god that's sugar-free dairy free it's mostly just coconut oh i ate a pancake that I found out in her pork's bed like a week ago this morning for breakfast. You found it a week ago and ate it this morning? Are you going to be ill?

No, I'm fine. You know, Gran, I'm actually doing so great, and it's so great to see you. I will see you out there on that court, girl. I bet you guys have some really funny memories. Oh, funny indeed. Oh, yeah? Yes, tell us about high school Chalice.

Funny stuff when we were just a couple of crocane heads. Oh, my God. I got an OD. Tell us a story. Tell us a story about Chalice. And Chalice is trying to find a fire alarm or emergency switch that she can hit to get everyone evacuated from this once when chalice and i were co-crocane head captains chalice came over to my house

and peeped her pants that's not the whole story it's enough of it it's enough of it there's sort of a whole context that sort of make everybody sort of be on my side for that and sort of understand oh my god did she sleep in it what pork tell me you didn't pee while you were awake and then still fell asleep in the pee chalice is just looking off to the side trying to gain any dignity back and chalice is literally saved by the bell because there is a tinkling of champagne glasses that sound the beginning of the crow cane tournament which means everyone has to go pick up their canes as well as not everybody their balls well you'll be picking them up right i guess you're right so the group uh nods to

gren uh and gren you see uh meets their partner who is half of the duo dasho and miss go on as you all split off to go pick up your canes and your balls um guys quick sidebar yep okay some backstory about gren we were best friends all through middle school when we were young sleepovers secrets everything thick as leaves okay best friends and then by the time the year we became co-captains of the crocane team something happened i don't know what happened but then she hated me all of a sudden and i never knew what it was and then i went okay fuck you i'll hate you back and then we terrorized each other for an entire year but it's something i started but i don't know what it is but it's definitely her fault pork do you get it chip pork jennifer yeah i'm jealous if you guys

all i heard was that you're friends if you could have her endorse the campaign that would be huge she's like the most beloved and famous philanthropist in all the land. She's like the coolest duchess ever. Oh, that's that? Grenfadir Bradonkadonk? Yes!

If she backed our campaign, it would be huge for us. Oh, man. I didn't realize it was that one. Oh, she's awesome. You should have known when she said emailing.

That's like the biggest thing you could be doing with your time. Definitely put the pieces together. Oh, it all is coming together. I don't know. I really don't want to suck up to her. Please. We hate each other. Okay, but for the campaign, for the laws, for being able to have sex whenever and wherever we want.

Just ask her to support the campaign. It couldn't hurt to ask. You couldn't have done something so bad. Couldn't have been that bad. Yeah. And with that, y'all are walking up to pick out your crocanes and your balls. So all the crocanes are like fancy and mostly the same, but you get to pick the color ball that you have.

So what ball would you like? Beef, do you want to go first? Oh, I'm sorry. Pork. That's not my name today. Pork, do you want to go first or do you want want to go first? Oh, I'm sorry. Pork. That's not my name today. Pork, do you want to go first or do you want me to go first? I mean, it's your day, Chally. Why don't you pick the ballie?

Chalice has a gorgeous golden suitcase that she opens and she has her own crocane mallet that has a monogram of her name on the crocane. And then she puts it together. like when you see someone putting together their flute really fast, and you're like, oh, they've been playing that for 30 years. That's how quick she puts it together. And then she sort of stands with it. Which ball did you go with? Golden. Golden. Golden

ball. Dang, that's a good pick. If I had a choice, I might have picked that one. Chip's just looking longingly at how the cook came out. Beef goes to pick his ball, but he's getting a little nervous, so he looks at Grenivere to be like, you know, he's like, his hand's

over each ball, like, which one do you want, and which one should I have? He's getting scared. I think I'll pick Grenvenir raises an eyebrow. Maybe the

yellow one? No, I think I'm going to pick the blue one. Green. Yes. What? I mean green. And then what color does Gren pick? Grenvenir The green. Yes. Or pink. What? I mean green. There you go.

And then what color does Gren pick? Gren Vanir stands in front of the balls and takes a pen out from her clutch. And she clicks the pen and it expands into her crocane mallet. Whoa. Oh, that's way cooler than Chalice's. No, it's not.

Chalice, come on, just admit it. No, it's not! She twirls it in her fingers and then picks up a purple galaxy. A galaxy purple ball. F*** you. Beef, it feels like you definitely could have had the yellow one.

I don't know. I didn't think I could have picked the yellow one. I don't know what the big deal was. Beef, you could not have picked the yellow one. I did not want you to pick the yellow one. Oh, and I guess I got to pick one of these then, huh? All right. Well, I'll go with a black ball since I've been blackballed by the industry since my wife left me.

Sorry to hear that, sir. Yeah, so, well, let me introduce myself. I'm your partner, Gren, and the name is Dasho because Dasho... This is where my wife would say she's Miss Go-On, so I'd say Dasho, and she'd say Miss Go-On. Yeah, I remember seeing you guys, your special growing up. You guys were dazzling together. We did a whole thing where, you know, at the beginning, I would do

the setup and she did the punchline for our names, but the rest of the show, she did the setup and I would do the punchline. So, yes, if you guys want to set me up, otherwise my punchlines don't really make sense out of context. We'll do our best, sir. Sorry again about your marriage. Sounds like da marriage must not go on.

For crossing the road. Uh-oh. Okay, well, Grant, I haven't seen you, I think, since school. And you know what? I've just been in awe of everything you've been doing since You're Incredible. Oh, yes. All my emails. Ice cream and all that.

Yeah. Philanthropy. So you might have heard that Jennifer the Rat over there is running for mayor. And she's trying to get rid of all these shitty rules that have bogged us down this season. Could we get an endorsement from you? Oh my God. You'll do it? Yeah, you'll do it?

You want an endorsement from me? After everything that happened, you want an endorsement from me? After everything that happened, you want an endorsement from me? Interesting. But you know what could make it more interesting? Let's make it a little wager. Classic Grenivere and Chalice wager. Looks like you almost forgot my name for a second.

That's fine. I could not forget your name after what happened. What happened? Why don't we say if you win, I'll endorse what's the rat's name? Seems like you forgot my name for a second.

Jennifer. Jennifer. I'll. Jennifer. Jennifer. I'll endorse Jennifer the Rat. But if I win, you and your little boyfriend have to shave your heads. Oh! What? Chalice. What?

I mean, we could just play the game straight, you know, unless you're scared. No. Chalice looks over at Dasho and then back. It's a deal. We'll shave our heads if we lose, and you'll endorse us if we win. Grenvenir Bradonkadonk takes Chalice's hand

and pulls her in close. Oh, it's on. And there is another tinking of glass signifying that it is time for y'all to report to the first hole. Chalice, what did you do? Please tell me you're good at this. I don't want to cut my hair and shave my head. Do I have to shave my head too? Beef, you shave your head on purpose.

We found that out recently and it's been, we're all losing sleep. I just, it takes forever for the sides to grow back. I don't want to know. I was really good at this. She was maybe a little bit better than me if I'm being honest. But I have Beef

and Beef is good at everything he touches. Beef, are you going to be good at this? Yeah, maybe. And then Beef trips and falls down a small rolling hill. Yeah, maybe. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge?

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to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash sitcom D&D. Okay, attention everyone. We are about to kick off the inaugural Cro-Cane Celebrity Tournament for Dragons with Night Blindness. K-N-I-G-H-T night for those who don't see the banner. Now I know my voice is being projected across the entire course.

So everyone, remember the rules of the tournament and of Cro-Cane. You can take one action before your first stroke. And only your first stroke. You can take one action before your first stroke and only your first stroke. Only one player from each team plays each hole. The player that takes the action must be the one to play the hole. Please, keep track of your own strokes and of your own spell slots

that goes for you guys you can help me out with that keeping track of your strokes hell no i'm not the dm i'm on vacation i'm sorry someone broke the fourth wall and that was distracting to me as well but now you are and i sound crazy to all of you because I'm having conversations that you can't hear the other side of. So you are staring at the first hole. There's a little sign next to it that says the portal hole. Your caddy is actually just a scarecrow on a post for Gren and for Dasho who does not talk. What the hell? That's my equivalent?

Me and that scarecrow are equals right now? You guys should get a drink together after this. I mean, honestly, he's probably caddied more, so I wouldn't say that you're equals. Whoa. Grenvenir goes up to the scarecrow. So how long have you and Chalice been dating? No, it's...

Grenvadeer, it's me. I'm Chip. It's me. I'm over here. Oh my God. That Scarecrow is talking to me. I can move and I have blood in me. Ew.

God. What do you mean, ew? You have blood in you. Chip, stop. We all have blood, Chalice. Well, not the Scarecrow. What's his name? Juergen.

Like the lotion? Based on a combination of the little sign that says the portal hole and just what you're seeing with your eyes, this is what y'all take in. There are three-dimensional portals about five feet in front of you on this putting green. putting green. If you keep walking the path to your right, like the path that you walk for the rest of the course, you'd cross a small wooden bridge that leads to another green with three dimensional portals. You are at a higher elevation and you can see the other green on your right hand side down below you, like about 30 feet away. Behind the hole itself at the bottom there is a beautiful pyramid of full champagne flutes glistening in the sun. You decide, Gren, do you want to go first or second on this first hole?

I will go second. Okay. Good choice, good choice. Chalice and Pork, you're going to be putting at three different portals that are just like five feet away on the green. And a portal typically will transport to another place. And you see additional portals, like 30 feet away by like a hole. So this is like a replica of one of those,

what you'd see in mini golf, where you shoot it into a tube and you're like, oh, which tube is it going to come out of on the other side? I see. So you've got left, center, and right are the portals that you're looking at. What are we supposed to do, Chalice? There's three holes in front of us.

Which one's the right one? Well, that's what we've got to figure out. So you see, Beef, cocaine is not just a sport about being nimble and being quick with your athleticism. It's also a game of chess.

It uses your wit and your wisdom as well. I see what you're saying, m'lady. But I haven't played in a while. What if you threw something through two of the portals, two different things through two of the portals and see what pops out the other side? And then that way you know what comes through. Ah, snowballs.

Like a flurry of snowballs huzzah what a team we are aren't we and b falls down a small hill yeah because i actually know how to play chess i don't know why i'm not the one that's hitting the balls with the gains i'm just gonna use two of these snowballs i'm gonna throw them at the two right holes to see where they came up. At slightly different times. At slightly different times. And I'm going to have my caddy, and she points to the scarecrow. Sorry, no. My caddy, Chip. That's Juergen.

Beef's by Juergen trying to get an autograph. Beef, I'm over here. I know. Give me an attack roll. 16 plus 6. Two snowballs are thrown from Chalice at slightly different times and do connect and go into the center portal, one of them, and the right portal, the other.

Now, at slightly different times, one of the snowballs goes to the Swamp swamp of oblivion and back, popping out of the portal on the other side of the small bridge, but the snowball is covered in muck and mud, and it looks like you would probably have disadvantage on that next stroke if you were going to hit it like a mini golf ball. Okay. Give me a perception check, Jalis, to see if you can tell which ball is which. Dirty 20, 15 plus 5. Okay. You could tell that that one was the one you threw a little bit earlier,

so that's the middle one. Middle. The snowball that went through the hole on the right goes to the elemental plane of air and back, and the snowball is guided by the winds, getting it very close to the hole, giving you advantage on your next stroke. I'm not even going to risk that left hole.

I'm ready to hit. All right, so you're going to take a crack and hit it? Okay, so this is just going to be a dexterity saving throw. Before I hit, Gran, just quick question, just trying to go over my head, how you and I had that little falling out. Was it because I ate your whole birthday cake that one year? No, but thank you for reminding me of that.

Oh, God. Never mind. Yeah, that's not a good plan, Chalice. You're just going to say a bunch of bad things. I got a dirty 20 again. 17 plus 3. So you nail that portal. The ball disappears.

It had gone to the elemental plane of air and back and now the ball is guided by the winds getting it very close to the hole. In fact, so close that it goes in the hole. Hole in one. One stroke for Chalice. Thank you. I've still got it. And she chest bumps beef.

Take that one of you. It's not her name. It she chest bumps beef. Ah! Take that, one of you. It's not her name. It's Grenvenere. It's Grenvenere Pork. It's Grenvenere. Pork? It's Grenvenere.

It's rude to get people's names wrong, Pork. That was cute. Now let me try. She clicks her pen, becomes the club again. It's cool every time. And hits the ball through the same portal. Nice. 13?

With a 13, it does go into the portal on the right. The winds guide it, and it comes out in the other portal 30 feet below, but it stops just short of the hole. Meaning you're going to have to go over there and tap it in. Get a good look, Chalice. She sashays her bradonkadonk away toward the ball and

gently taps it in. So you drain it. Two strokes. Two strokes for your team. And there is a brief walk to the next hole, giving you all time to either talk amongst each other or not. Was it, sorry, but was it when I turned your dog into a horse and then we couldn't find the horse? It wasn't, but I'll let you know.

I did find the horse later. Oh, good. Okay, so that wasn't it. After we stopped talking. Phew, okay. It was not that. I'm quite surprised that you don't remember. It was quite an event. Was it when I copied your haircut and then I accused you of copying my haircut? I did find that adorable. Oh, okay. But no, it wasn't that either. Okay. I'll keep thinking.

I'm going to keep thinking. So you are approaching the second hole. And on the little sign at the second hole, it says the impossible angle. The boundaries of this green goes five feet forward and then takes a hard angle back towards you and goes 25 feet the other direction. So it's like one of those mini golf holes where you're like, oh, I really have to bounce it off the back corner and have it like go the other direction and there's a small brick wall about six inches making like the perimeter and you also may notice that there are flying squirrels perched in the tree just above where the hole is and these aren't your typical what you guys are picturing in uh

our world flying squirrels they are squirrels with two tails like from tales from sonic the hedgehog and they spin them to create a helicopter effect that's how they fly around kind of cute kind of fun gren you're gonna be able to go first all right now i'm uh i'm no freaking crocane player but I think I got an idea for this one. All right, let me hear it. What I think you should do on this one is, you know how to do a minor illusion, don't you? You pretty much know all the same spells as Chalice, I feel like. Yes, I do. Okay, amazing.

What if you use minor illusion to make your ball look like a little acorn so that the squirrels don't grab it. So that they do grab it. Yeah, they'll grab it and then they'll probably take it back to the tree and either crap it out or something or get bored of it and drop it right in the hole. I'm going to cast minor illusion and turn my ball into an acorn. I did that move at the championship when we were seniors. It's a move I've done before. I remember. Chalice, was it because there was a bunch of squirrels around,

or was it for a complete different reason? I mean, there was a bunch of princesses playing, so all the woodland creatures were surrounding us. You sneeze, they come running. It was awful. Awful. Yeah, that sounds terrifying. It's really scary.

Give me a dexterity check again. So the d20 plus 3, which is your modifier. 18 plus 3, 21. Oh mama! With a 21 you hit your ball, which now looks exactly like

an acorn. And it ricochets off the back wall. And as it gets near to the tree, it becomes in the sight and the eyeline of the squirrels, even if it would have just gone short on its own because it's way too far for a ball to go that you hit. And one of them sees it, their eyes go big, and then their helicopter tail starts,

and they swoop in, pick up the acorn, and bring it back to their tree to the highest branch try to take one bite hurt their teeth and drop it in frustration right into the hole hole in one oh my hair my beautiful locks

my stunning locks don't worry chip keep bonding with Juergen it looks like you two are actually getting along pretty well we're getting a beer tomorrow you needed that today I'm glad

um I think it's your turn to hit pork here goes everything if you're just gonna wham this thing I either I'm gonna wham it or

I have mage hand yeah do that maybe I could hit it but then my my mage hand could grab it okay place it in the hole for me I knew there was gonna be something I didn't foresee that was a good loophole okay so you're gonna hit it and then i'll like use oh well how could this work oh i have to use the spell before it could you disguise self as the ball could you be the ball about that you did of course you did and i love you for it i thought about being an acorn i thought about being an acorn and you hitting me i'm just gonnaam it, but let the record show I really was trying to do some spells here. You were. And the record will show.

I don't want anyone being like, oh, Beef would just wham it and not try to think. And it's like, I did. But Beef does fall down another hill, I'm sure, right before he hits. I got a dirty 20. I got an 18 plus 2. With a dirty 20. I got an 18 plus two.

With a dirty 20, you put a real good smacking on this ball. It bounces off that six inch brick wall, goes the other direction, just as you would have wanted, and goes just about 24 feet the other direction. It is one foot from the hole. It was an amazing hit,

about as great of a hit as you could do without the assistance of a flying squirrel now you got to do the walk of shame and tap it in he moonwalks the walk of shame jergen you seeing this you just get the slightest impression that he nods yes right now it is tied three strokes three strokes going into the final hole but it's quite the walk so you're gonna have to shoot the breeze until you get there and you're it's i'm there's tension in the air everyone can feel it in fact most of the people in attendance a lot of the other celebrities who are there like mr pibb um who's now uh he's kind of like a dr oz figure um you haven't really been clocking his rise to's now, he's kind of like a Dr. Oz figure.

You haven't really been clocking his rise to prominence, but he's kind of famous now. No, you can't just do that. And a few other celebrities. What? No. The bassist from The Bards and a Barbecue is there. But really, the best players out here are clearly Chalice and Gren, because they're former captains. And so this is the final hole to see which team is going to win here.

And there is a lot of fanfare around this final hole. Is it because I dated your brother that I broke his freaking heart? No, but you are getting warmer. I'm getting warmer? You know, it would be a shame if you had to cut off all that pretty hair. Do you still use the herbal essence? I can't really afford that anymore. I think she uses Juergen.

Juergen? What is Jennifer talking about? Wait, which one's the boyfriend? Which one's the scarecrow again? The one carrying the scarecrow is the person, okay? I don't understand. I'm carrying Juergen. No offense, Juergen, but I'm carrying Jurgent. No offense, Jurgent,

but I'm carrying already two balls, two clubs, and then I'm also carrying the scarecrow who's carrying two balls and two clubs. Okay? I just want to point that out. Okay, so the one talking is the scarecrow. No. No, he'll fake. Was it the time

you had something in your teeth and I didn't tell you about it until after the dance? Or am I telling you about that now? There was stuff in my teeth at the dance. Oh my God, she still has something in her teeth. It's still there. Yeah, you got a little M. It's still there.

It's still there? Right between. And the rat is the one telling me? It's been there since? The dance? It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same tooth. No way.

How long ago was the dance? Like 60 years ago. Oh, shit! Sorry, sorry. Okay, let's just do this final hole. May the best Cro-Cane captain win. It's funny you say that because I'm high on Cro-Cane right now.

She's way better when she's high on crocane. The last time I was around so many people taking drugs. That's a setup. I know, I tried. I can't. But you gotta have one or the other. You're too old to learn new things. Give up.

That's like a setup. You're too old to learn new things, said the clock. Okay, we're learning that she was doing a lot of the heavy lifting. I'm feeling like I'm understanding his breakup. I get why she left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too, me too. And you gaze upon the third and final hole.

The little sign next to it that says the windmill. Now the hole starts off with a straight shot through a miniature gatehouse, like a little castle for your ball with a little drawbridge. And then 20 feet of straight green going at a slight gradient, a slight incline with a windmill at the end. But not a replica of a windmill an actual windmill standing a hundred feet tall with its enormous blades moving at a decent clip with a large huge crocane hole just inside that archway that would be like large enough for a human to crouch in and like be totally hidden in it. It is Chalice and Beef's, I'm sorry, Pork's turn. Y'all go first. Do I do Gus?

Do I do Web? Do I do Spider Climb won't help. What do I have? Why did I pick so many spider based powers that time? Can I like stop the wind from existing? powers that time. Can I like stop the wind from existing? Well, but you could also just like, if there's a wind

blowing one way and you blow the exact amount of wind the other way, it could potentially stop the windmill from spinning. You're a great caddy. Take that, Juergen. A single tear falls from Juergen's eye. Sorry. I'm sorry. I know

you used to have a bunch of kids i'm sorry you've learned a lot about jurgen used to have kids used to yeah yeah you say used to i'll explain later chalice uses gust and you direct it in the opposite way of the wind correct yes? Yes. Okay, brilliant. It stops the windmill, and give me a luck check. Just roll a d20 here. You just have to get above a five in order for it not to be at a moment where it's completely blocked.

Oh my god, I got a five. Oh. Oh my god. Ty goes to the runner in this case. It is so close to blocking the hole, but does not. Now you still got to hit it in. So now you got to hit it in. I botched.

No. I've been rolling really well all episode. I felt that. Oh, okay. You botch your ball. You just got so excited. You saw the victory. One of the first times you would ever be able to beat her in crocane.

And you don't putt this ball. You drive it. You like happy Gilmore it so hard. It just explodes off the course. It is a scratch. So you have to use a new ball, a regular ball, not even a golden one, and take another stroke, additional stroke. Oh, God.

So this will be your second stroke. 15. Okay. The ball goes up the drawbridge of the miniature castle. And when it appears on the other side of the castle it is 50 times larger than when it went in the ball itself the ball itself is now five feet in diameter and rolling at the same speed and stops just short of the hole holy cow so this will be your third stroke you got to walk up to this thing it's the size of an enormous cannonball.

And you got to try to get it that last foot into the hole with your crocane stick. So I'm going to actually ask for a strength check on this. Strength. Okay. How the hell am I going to carry that thing? Good thing it's the last course, buddy. 19. Nice.

Chalice winds up, does like a crow hop, Happy Gilmore style, hits this thing with all her might, like a baseball swing right in the center, and it gets just enough forward momentum to plop into that human-sized hole. Skadoosh. And once it does hit there, you notice that

this hole is actually like a tunnel. And that enormous ball disappears. Good news, Chip! You don't have to carry it! Where does it go? And Beef almost falls down the hole. Beef! Almost? Well, let's see.

Because it's close, I'm gonna have you give me an acrobatics check with disadvantage because you're leaning so far over. All right. And you said almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I know you got good acrobatics, so I got to make this even. Also, I just think Beef wants to know where the balls go. I do really need to know.

Oh, no. What's your roll? Oh, no. Oh, no. I got a six. Okay, yeah. B falls in that hole and tumbles into the abyss. Pork!

Oh, my God. Pork, no! You're meat, man. But, Gren, you are up. Yes, I'm going to try to do the same thing Use gust Of course It's almost like that time

What time? You copied my haircut Oh, that was my first guess It is the haircut thing Well, no, no, now it's coming back It's not why I'm mad at you Also, Chalice, the only reason I came up with the gust plan Was because Juergen told it to me.

Oh my God! Juergen probably told it to Grend as well. Juergen did tell it to me. I did the haircut thing again. Well, we're going to have to do the haircut thing in a second. I have matching haircuts when we have no hair, just as a heads up. We're going to look fine. Maybe.

I'm sure you look beautiful. With Gust, you push the wind in the opposite direction that it is currently blowing to create a stasis. Now give me a luck check to see if you timed it right. I got 18. 18. It is fully open for business. Now all you have to do is putt with your crocane. Ooh, four. Okay, you hit it with your crocane and it's just not a good hit. You do not go across the drawbridge, but you're close to the drawbridge.

So on this one, you're going to have a good angle to get it through the drawbridge. You know that there's a glyph in there that's going to enlarge this 50 times, but it's a pretty big hole. So if you can line this up right, you're in a much better position now to get it in. Nine. A nine. With the nine, the ball goes through the drawbridge, gets 50 times bigger all of a sudden, moving the same momentum, but the angle was just askew, and you hit just to the right of the archway. It does not go in, but it is very close to the hole. We're watching the downfall of a huge player here.

All right, Gren, now it's time for a strength check. Ten. And that's your third stroke, and you are close, but with 10 strength, you hit it. It garners some momentum, becomes half an inch short of the hole. Oh, my God. Damn.

That stroke means that Beef and Chalice have won, which makes the crowd erupt. They put Chalice have won, which makes the crowd erupt. They put Chalice on their shoulders and put a green jacket on Chalice, and there's a lot of celebration and libations being passed out. And so do you choose to still do the last stroke and finish out the hole?

I'm a woman of dignity. I'll finish this game. Give me another strength check. 21. 21. You smash this thing, and it falls into the hole and disappears. Son of a bitch!

Before it falls in the hole, Beef's, I'm almost out, guys. I'm almost out. Beef, watch out! An Indiana Joan head appears on Beef, and he starts running down the tunnel the other direction. Man, I wish I could see what's happening down there.

It sounds exciting. It sounds cinematic, frankly. Is your chicken friend going to be okay? Yeah, he'll be fine. Gren, I'm sorry. I would almost give up this endorsement for you to tell me what I did. Our friendship meant everything to me.

You took such good care of me when my mom passed away. And you were such a good friend. What happened? I'm sorry. I want to be able to actually apologize. I'm sorry. It was the dance. The dance.

We slow danced and I knew then. That I'd always love you. But not as a friend. Sorry to your scarecrow boyfriend. I don't mean to make things awkward. No, it's okay. But I loved you and I could not

stand to see you any longer. I will endorse your Jennifer and stand to see you any longer. I will endorse your Jennifer, and you can keep your luscious herbal essence-y hair, and I will go about my business. Woo-hoo! In your face, Grant!

No, Jennifer, no. Read the room. I dated your brother so I could see you more. What the hell? And then you seemed to hate me. And then I actually... Well, after today, I did a lot of bad things to you. So I assumed it was one of those things.

Well, yeah, I know you copied my haircut then you got mad at me about it. And you know, I know you're happily married now. You and your wife seem really cute together. We're so cute. We're totally fine. We're totally good. We are totally together.

You and I are gonna grab a drink. Oh, that'll be a good idea. You say we're totally together? What? You just said we're totally together. This is a we're totally together this is a strange thing for a person and a couple to say but i say it all the time we're totally together in the same room sleeping in the same room i couldn't help but notice maybe you were making out she looks like she's in golden hour all the time, Juergen has a better chance than you do.

Well, that's the last straw. I did it! I did it! Oh my God! It's still going to be a no from me. All right, we cut to you're in the tunnel where the giant balls disappear too. Yeah, there was a golden sandwich and a light. Beef, leave it.

Beef, don't touch it. And Beef's staring at it. Beef, don't do it. Beef, no. Honey, no. Beef. I do it. Beef, no. Honey, no. Beef. I do it. No!

As soon as you touch the sandwich and grab it, a different ball from the other direction of the tunnel falls into the tunnel itself and starts rolling towards you. And I'm running. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song. Aaron, Elizabeth, and I worked out the story concept. And Sean Maher did the editing on this one.

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