SitcomD&D - S5 E19: Feudal Families Feuding

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

The BUGs need more money to keep Jennifer's mayoral campaign afloat - And what better way to make some quick scratch than on Frence's favorite, competitive game show FEUDAL FAMILIES FEUDING! Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. you have more friction yeah wait why well thank you waleed i just worked and then i came here and i'm doing this and then i have to immediately go to something else and i thought if i take my shoes off my brain's gonna be like you're basically asleep you're halfway to sleeping wow your body's so connected gateway drug yeah yeah it really is drug. Yeah. Yeah. It really is. It's, yeah. So, is everyone else wearing shoes? I think Sean might be. I'm wearing flip-flops, yeah. Oh, that doesn't count.

Erin's showing us her feet. No shoes. If you just trust me. Huge feet. Huge feet. I have famously tiny feet. People think there's a child staying with me when they come over. Did anybody grow up in a house where they wore their shoes in the house?

No. It was pretty loose for, like, they wore their shoes in the house? No. It was pretty loose for like the first floor. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. Couldn't tell you. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we are picking up in the green room of a game show. What?

Y'all are there. The bugs are in there. Jennifer, Chalice, Beef, Chip. Because you need money. The campaign needs money to stay afloat and to stay top of mind. Jennifer the Rat's mayoral campaign needs some funding. And so what better way to get it?

Did we lose our $3,000 that quickly? Well, there is a direct correlation with how low the funds have gotten and how often Jennifer has visited Moe's Casimo. I don't know why we put her name on the bank. Son of a bitch. That was an absolute mistake.

And unless y'all tell me what precautions you're taking to keep Jennifer out of those funds, I'm going to keep saying she's spending them. So since the Dish Network went up around Frasier, it has given rise to a number of game shows that are projected throughout the town. And perhaps the most popular currently is the show y'all are about to guest on

called Feudal Families Feuding. Whoa. Ooh. So I think you can probably guess the vibe of what this episode is going to be. Cool. But quiet on set, quiet on set. We got to get sound speeding

because we're rolling. Dice! Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains

are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes but the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Erin Keith as Chalice Glass, Elizabeth Andrews as Beef,

Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. So y'all are seated in the green room when the host of the show, Kitchard Rarn, a Leonin, which is like a lion person, who's wearing flashy robes and has his mane slicked back, walks into the room. Oh my goodness. Okay. We are so excited to have you.

What is the name that your family is going by today? The Bugs. Oh. I'm sorry. Sebugs? Sebugs. Seb's Bugs. Yes.

Seb's Bugs. Seb's Bugs. It will be Seb's Bugs. Amazing. Which is different than the infestation that has been plaguing the town. Yes. Got it. Got it.

Got it. Okay, cool. And Kitchen Yarn. Is that his name? Kitchard? Kitchard Rarn. Kitchard Rarn. I'm going to say it one more time, you guys.

And Kitchard. No. I'm actually going to. Give him a nickname, Kitchard. Please. You got a nickname for us, pal. Kitchard, no, I'm actually going to- Give a nickname, Kitchard. Please. You got a nickname for us, pal. Kitchard, I'm just flustered because I have just been watching you since I was, I don't know, like even when you were on that like home improvement show.

I've just had the biggest, I just, I am so pleased to meet you, Kitchard. Rard. Kitchard. Kitchard. I can't tell if you're yanking my chain I know I'm not the most famous person No, no, you are to me Well, okay, this seems genuine

Okay, well It is We're actually really honored to have you on the show All of you Oh, thank you All of you have Sebs bugs So, yeah, I'm rooting for you Wink

I say that to everybody, but You know, I am I'm rooting for everybody at the end of the day. This is exciting. What do all those rings mean on your fingers? These, really, I was, these are my high school rings. You went to high school that many times? You went to eight high schools?

I bounced around a lot. I was kind of a military brat. Oh, gotcha. I went to high school for about 16 years. It was tough for me to get through it. I get that. I get that. I mean, Chip is still in night school for, I don't

know, how long has it been now, Chippy? It's a four-year program, just like most universities. It's not that weird. It's been forever. This is only the second or third semester. I forgot. You don't even know, man Because you lost in the demise of it all Been there, been there

Well, listen, we've got your competition In the other green room We don't want you guys getting too heated Before the feud But we'll see you all out there T-minus like one minute Thanks, Kittrednard Okay, close enough And he exits the room Out the road. T-minus like one minute. All right. Thanks, Kitchignard.

Okay. Close enough. And he exits the room. All right. Do we have a game plan going into this? I don't think I've ever seen this show, so I don't know. You never saw it? You have a chip? I don't think I have.

I don't know. Did you hear that, Chubbless? Chubby, you never watched this? No. Is it good? Yes. I love this show. You will love it, Chubb.

Why is everybody screaming? I'm trying to sleep. Jennifer, we're about to go on television. To get back money, you have lost us. Oh, my God. Being on TV is my most favoritest thing I could ever do, maybe. Well, then get yourself all ready to go. Get yourself dolled up.

Yeah, where's your rouge? I got natural rouge. Beep. Sometimes I edit myself. I was going to say something crazy. What were you going to say? Bitch. Yeah, that's kind of crazy.

That is kind of crazy. That's why I edited myself. Chalice throws a bucket of ice water on Jennifer. Chip throws a bucket of hot water on Jennifer. Chip throws a bucket of hot water on Jennifer. Beef, drink some water. Jennifer wriggles her butt on the couch to try and dry off. She's now kind of like a big poof ball. I think I'm camera ready.

All right, bitch, let's go. Y'all are guided to backstage and you can hear the crowd and the music that plays before the show queuing that this episode is about to start kitchard rarn in all his fantastic elegance is standing center stage as he gets the signal from the wizard who will be directing this episode. And it is showtime. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Feudal Families Feuding. Yes, I am your host, Kitchard Rarn, and this is the show where our teams of families and friends try and match wits to see if their wits match the answers of our previously surveyed audience. This episode is quite the cooker.

On my left, and he indicates towards like a long podium where a team will be standing next to each other, we welcome the first team, Sabs Bugs. Come on out. Happy to be here, Kitchard. Amazing. Amazing. And on the right, we are welcoming the Smiths. Boo.

Boo. And a family of dwarfs who seem to be in the blacksmith trade, judging by what they're wearing, walk out. It's a mom, a dad who are middle-aged, and a sister and brother who are, like, young adults. Everyone has a beard, except for the daughter has daughter has just like a mustache goatee. Can I roll for history to see if they are in any way related to the blacksmith that we all worked for for that summer? Yeah. Sure. That's a good call. Wait, wasn't I the blacksmith? Oh, yeah.

Well, give me a history check. Beef and chip. But you have the best history. All right, with the 15, you do recognize the mother of the family as a more successful blacksmith around town when you were doing your internship. They ran a competitive sort of operation. Oh, damn. All right. I think we've got both our teams here ripping, roaring, and ready to fight and feud for a thousand gold pieces.

All right. We do the money dance. Yeah, for sure. Now, before we get into things, I'd like to get to know our guests a little bit. So I'm going to come on over here to Seb's Bugs. My first question for y'all is how do y'all know each other

and what is Seb's Bugs? That's a great question, Kitchard, that Chip would love to answer. Yes, I'd love to answer it. Good answer. Good answer. We all work at a bar and inn together.

That is how we all met. And Seb ditched us. Seb, sort of the uniting factor between all of us, is gone. Yes, we're barely hanging on. He was kind of like a cult leader and we were his followers and now he's gone and we have nothing to live for.

And now I'm mayor. Nope, not yet. She's running for mayor. Sex is back on the menu. Sex is back on the menu. And you can see Kitchard is like looking at the wizard and saying bleep that kind of under his breath. He's like maybe even using a message. And a bleep is just the wizard saying bleep as loud as he can over what he's seeing.

Bright crowd. Sex is back on the menu. Okay. So why don't we step over here to the Smiths. The Smiths, I think I know how you all know each other. What is something

that... Shoot, I should have these prepared ahead of time. He's really slipping these days. No, he's not doing well. Is it always like this? No, he used to be really on top of his game. They should replace him with somebody.

Now, you guys all work together and a family. If I had to work with my family, I think I'd lose my damn mind. What do you guys do differently to just be able to work with each other? Right, Richard, well I think I speak for all of us that there are a bunch of times where we just have to take a walk. We get

frustrated with each other, go for a walk before you blow a fuse and at the end of the day, just remember you're family. You can't live with them, you can't kill them or whatever. But happy to be here, Kitchard. Boo. Boo.

Piss. Boo. Piss. Piss. Awesome. All right. Well, I think that we can get to it, shall we? So after I ask the question, if you think you got a good one, you're going to pull the lever right in front of you.

Whoever does it quickest is going to be on the spot. Name something you'd find in a bakery that is also something a baker might call his wife. Now, everybody roll for initiative. I love muffin Natural 20 14 And for what? Okay

With a natural 20 Chalice The light above where you pulled your lever Illuminates you are up first Yes Looking at my card here Chalice Chalice, chalice

Oh my god My answer is Honey buns Good answer Good answer. Good answer. I was going to say love muffin. That makes way more sense.

Let's take a look at the board here. And the board says honey buns. Number one answer. They're high five and they're slapping asses. They're so excited. 32 points. Out of the possible 100 that are total and available. Holy cow. That's pretty good. All right.

So now, as a tradition, we are going to kick it over to the Smiths. Going first from the Smiths is Stacy. And he goes to the daughter with the goatee. Stacy, name something in a bakery daughter with the goatee. Stacy! Name something in a bakery a baker might call his wife. So she's going to do a wisdom check here. Okay. Um, okay, Kitchard, I'm going to have to go with a spoon.

That's a thing you do in the bed. Oh, yeah. Good thing I don't call Chalice my little spoon. That's a thing you do in the bed. Oh, yeah. Good thing I don't call Chalice my little spoon. Okay. Spoon. And then Kitcher just looks at the audience like, can you believe this? A spoon. I like it when you call me that, Chip. You're okay with me continuing to call you?

I love it. It's really cute. Let's see if the board shows Spoon. A big magical axe appears. Whoa. Nothing. Whoa. It looks like the sound's coming from that old turtle.

Yeah. Yeah, somebody bopped him on the head. Yeah, they got to replace that turtle. That turtle's seen better days. We got to not get wrong answers for the sake of that turtle. He's pleading with us. His eyes are quivering. Please get it right.

Amazing. Coming back over here to Seb's Bugs. Oh, what did you guys roll? I rolled a 14. I rolled a 2. Okay. It'll go Chip, then Jennifer, then Beef. Cool.

Mr. Chip. All right. So, again, name something in a bakery a baker might call his wife. Hmm. Okay, since spoon was already taken, I think I'm going to have to go with muffin. Muffin. Good answer. Good answer.

Nice chip. Nice chip. What's happening? Okay, so does the board show muffin? Ding. Muffin on the board! Oh! In the fifth spot for seven points.

Okay! We're all grabbing asses. This is awesome. This is awesome. Also, it looks like the turtle gets a candy when you get one right. Oh, God. Guys, this is serious. This is more than about the money.

High stakes for him. All right, going back over here to the Smiths. Up next, we've got Alan. Uh, yeah. Wisdom check. I'm going to say

Baker might call his wife Donut. Stupid. Alright, okay. Well, Donut. We'll see. Does the board show Donut? Oh no, the turtle. Not the turtle.

Donut does show up in the seventh slot for five points. Okay, the Smiths are on the board. I would break up with someone if they called me Donut. Oh, Donut. Good night. I would say Donut, call your wife Donut. But that's just me.

That's a good one. Okay, he's still got it. He's back. Still got it. All right, coming over here to Jennifer the Rat. Let's see. I really thought I was going to get beef. This is going to be hard on you

It's okay Name something in a bakery a baker might call his wife I'm going to roll for wisdom For Jennifer That checks out Okay kitchen I'm going to say Do it doggy style

Guys why do we hang out with Jennifer? I have no clue. That's what this show is. You say like an innuendo and the crowd goes nuts. That's not an innuendo. Absolutely not an innuendo.

And you're innuendo. All right. Doing it doggy style. Okay. You're wild. You're wild. Okay, let's see. After the show.

For sure. Does the board show doing it doggy style? Oh, turtle. He's slowly rubbing his little noggin. The turtle's wife is in the front row looking so worried. She's wearing all white. Why? Why?

It looks like she's mouthing to the turtle, I told you to wear your helmet. He has a helmet? Why did you not bring his helmet? He's mouthing back, I look dumb in that helmet. Turtle. Turtle, you're not even on TV. Dirty.

All right, back to the Smiths. Let's see, Cassandra, you are up next. So what is something you'd find at a bakery that a baker might call his wife? Beef is across the way looking at Cassandra, and he's like, you better not say what I'm going to say. Let's see. Okay, Kitchard, I'm going to go with final answer, sugar. Oh, my God.

You should have tried to roll for intimidation. Are you serious? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. What the f***ing hell? How am I supposed to answer now? I don't know what I'm going to do. Yeah, f*** you. Beef, what about cutie pie?

Does that count? Baby cake, cupcake, cupcake. And does the board show sugar? Ding. Sugar. Five points in the sixth spot. What about cookie? What about baby cakes?

What about cupcake? Oh, cookie's good. Cookie. All right. Coming back over here to Seb's Bugs. Final answer from your final player. We are looking at you, Beef. What's the point?

Beef, what's the freaking point? And remember, it is. Name something in a bakery a baker might call his wife, and Beef, your answer is? Wait, Sean, which slots are available? Which slots are available are two, three, four, and eight. Oh, there's a lot on the board. Okay, maybe I'll actually try.

Come on, Beef, you got it. Chalice keeps lowering the microphone to Beef. He keeps pushing it away. He doesn't care. Just think about all the baked goods that you love so much. So deeply. You love cupcakes. Maybe sweets.

Sweets? Yeah, whatever. Alright, Beef says sweets and looks upset about it. Let's see. Is sweets on the board? Ding! Sweet slash sweetie in the third place spot for nine points.

Good answer. Whatever. Come on, Beef. No, look, he is proud. He's looking like he's not proud, but look at his little fist. It's pumping in the bottom. Beefy baby. And coming over here, the final representative from the Smiths,

young Seamus. Seamus, Seamus, name something in a bakery a baker might call his wife. Um, all right. I'm going to go ahead. I'll roll for him. Give him a wisdom check. I'm going to go ahead and say

his oven. God, Lord. Okay, his oven. Okay, his oven. This is going to be easy. Have you ever even seen this show? Like, fucking hell. Let's see. Does the board show his oven?

Ding! Second place answer, his oven, nine points. Kitchard, what the heck are you even talking about? Who are you interviewing? This is Sean talking. This was a real Family Feud question. I'm going off of the survey points. Kitchard, what the heck are you even talking about? Who are you interviewing? This is Sean talking. This was a real Family Feud question. I'm going off of the survey points. His oven?

I think they're trying to be, like, you know, edgy. Hey, oven. There's a bun in my oven. I don't have an oven. I have a vagina. Thank you very much. And I don't have a vagina. I have an oven.

Don't you wait. So that brings that round to an end with the Smiths totaling 19 points. Very good, Smiths. And the Bugs with 48 points. Let's go! We're grabbing so much ass. Now, the winner of that round decides if they want to be shirts or skins for the feud round. We huddle up.

What do you guys think? What do you think? What do we think? I think I'm having a great time. Skins then? So you're saying skins? Yeah. Okay.

Are we worried that there's less protection? Could that come up? I don't know. The turtle didn't wear a helmet. Time's up. Damn it. Time's up. I heard skins.

That's awesome. And that is brave because this means the other team gets to put on their armor before the feud. And y'all do not. And those of you who've got our Colosseum tickets will be seeing you soon. Huh. Wait, what's happening? I forgot about this part of the show. Wait, what's happening? Then that thing happens

like in the second Hunger Games where the section of the floor that you guys were standing on turns into a platform that is now being raised and a hole opens in the ceiling. No. And you see that the same thing is happening to the Smiths across from you as they put on their full armor. And they also now look determined to kill.

Holy shit. I do remember falling asleep pretty early into these games growing up. You guys, I've never seen the show. Yeah. Now I'm realizing I've never seen a show either. I thought I was watching this show, but it was actually a soap opera. This sucks. Yeah, I'm going through my inventory and I'm taking off.

Oh my God. So yeah, your AC now is just. Oh no. Yeah. My armor class is down to 14. Oh boy. Oh no. Is everyone able to see their new AC?

I don't know what kind of armor you guys have. Like, I have chain mail and I unchecked chain mail. Oh, leather. I don't have any armor, I don't think. You might not have armor, Tal. This was trickery at its finest. And I don't like trickery. And as you're being raised up,

you look up to see the hole in the ceiling. You're now slowly moving through, and the sun blinds you momentarily. When you blink it away and your eyes adjust, you see that you are in an outdoor coliseum with countless people in attendance who are all screaming at the top of their lungs with excitement.

It's almost deafening. Holy cow, does anybody have sunblock? It was in my leather bag. I have tanning oil. Do you want to try to get your tan on? Kitchard Rarn's voice roars over the Coliseum. We've got ourselves a good old-fashioned feud. Remember, the only rule is the last team with a member still

standing wins. Now who's ready to see feudal families feuding? Alright. Ready. And the Smiths get into like a fighting stance across from you. There's now only

about 20 paces of Coliseum dirt and sand floor between y'all. Set. View. Everybody roll for initiative.

18. 4. 16. Jennifer rolled a 10. So what's the plan here, guys? Um, kill that family, I guess. I guess.

Yeah. I guess murder that entire happy family. Do you take out the kids first? I guess they're not kids. They're young adults. Exactly. I feel like in a video game, I tend to take the smaller guys down first and then go for the big boys. Really?

I was thinking we should go for the biggest guy first. This is just like video game logic in my brain. It's like it's easier to take down the small guys, and then you don't have them kind of just like constantly coming at you. But also, we could also just focus all of our energy on one big boy and then like split up. So I'm down either way. Let's kill the little ones.

Can I do a perception check to see what we're dealing with here? What their vibe is? For sure. Thank God I rolled. 11. Okay. Even with an 11, you can tell

just as they're getting into their battle stances, there's one of them that kind of sticks out as like a real warrior. They look more athletic, stronger, stockier, like a bigger problem

than the other three. And that's the mom, Cassandra. Yeah, I figured. Because she's the blacksmith, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So she's the big guy.

She's the big boy. Cool. So with initiative rolled, Chip, you are up first. Hell yeah. Okay, I'm going to go with the plan of taking out the little guys first. So I'm going straight for Seamus. I'll go for the son Seamus. Okay.

And I'm just going straight good old-fashioned battle axe right to this guy. Oh, my God. Okay, give me an attack roll. I didn't want to kill anyone today. Oh, I botched. Oh, wait. Hold on. Hold on.

Holding. No, I have something. What is it? Did I lose it? Oh, maybe I lost it when I became an Eld. Hold on. Holding. No, I have something. What is it? Did I lose it? Oh, maybe I lost it when I became an Eldritch Knight. No, I had a thing that was basically like, if I botch, it doesn't count. Oh, no, I have a thing where I can reroll a one or two

on damage dice. That's what it is. That's what it is. Okay, you botched. Okay, yeah. Damn. Okay, you swing at Seamus. The crowd roaring really got to your head.

You're a little bit overly excited. That means your axe went over Seamus's head. He was able to easily duck it. And you swung so hard that you spun. And you are dizzy. Whoa. Cool. I can do two attacks per action, per turn for me.

So I'm just going to try and, after trying to get my bearing, I'm going to try and get. No way. I botched again. No. Oh, my God. Jim, we're on TV. Is it sunblock or tanning oil in your eyes? My shoulders are already burnt. I don't know what's going on with me lately.

God, you burn so easily. So you swing, spin around, and go, I'm just going to keep this momentum going into a second swing and just double down on the same mistake you made the first time. Swinging in the same direction in the same arc, and now you've spun so much that you are thoroughly

dizzy. You're going to have disadvantage on your next turn. Oh my god, This is so embarrassing. Whee! Up next is Chalice. Chalice, what do you do? Oh, God. I'm going to do Snowball Swarm, even though I used it recently.

I can use it again. That's okay. It's a new day. You're using it a different way, too. Thanks, guys. Yeah, man. Thanks, Elizabeth. Sure, man. Thanks, Elizabeth. Sure.

3d6. Attack save is dexterity 14. Okay. And does it target all of them in like a cluster? And is it an area effect? It's a five foot radius sphere. So if they're within five feet of each other, then. I'm going to say that the three smaller ones are.

Love it. I'm going gonna have them roll six two and eight oh my god they all three fail and what is it 3d6 well when you cast a spell using a spell slot of third level or higher the damage increases by 1d6 for each slot level above second. So it's four D six. Okay. Four, three, one, and two, 10 damage to all three of these fools,

Alan, Seamus, and Stacy. Sorry. I'm sorry. 10 damage. And these snowballs rip into them and beat the crap out of them. So they look like

they're a little bit worse for wear here. That did a significant amount of stuff. Chalice does a like a did I do that mug to the camera? Kind of an apologetic shrug. Sorry. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said,

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It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. And with that said, if you are thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. Up next is Cassandra, who just watched her family get pelted with snowballs and hasn't taken any damage yet.

So Cassandra lets out a hearty dwarven battle cry and charges straight at Chalice, the one who just sent over those snowballs. And she does a multi-attack with the two hand axes that she's just pulled out. So she's going to attack with the first one, swiping angrily at Chalice. Does a 17 hit. Awesome. 17.

17. Okay. Yes, it hits. Okay, and then the second one does a 12 hit. Yes. So that first axe hits you, Chalice. And give me a perception check. 19.

Okay, with a 19, you pick up on the fact that you got hit by that axe, but in a way where you don't feel like you just got hit by an axe. And you notice the faintest glowing gold barrier kind of around your skin, that's kind of indicating to you, okay, this is like a family show. This thing just took damage

and potentially when my HP is out, I will be like eliminated from this. Okay, guys, it's not really murder. We're not really murdering them. Let it rip. Thank God. Let it rip. That's not really murder. We're not really murdering them. Let it rip. Thank God. Let it rip. That's why I botched

the first two times. Oh, that's why, Chip, you were worried about murdering them? Yeah, I meant to miss him because he's just, you know, a little guy. Sure.

Chelsea, you took seven damage, though. Beef, I did. All right. Up next is Alan, the dad. Alan also gets out his two hand axes, do a multi-attack, who's closest, which would be Chip. My AC is 14.

Great. And he's a little bit worse at fighting, but both of them do hit. Okay. And so you are going to take six damage total. Oh. Ow. But not really. going to take six damage total. Oh! Ow! But not really.

And when he said not really, that was straight into the camera. And a little wink. And a little wink. Is the turtle okay right now? I really wish the turtle was wearing his helmet. The turtle has to be at the stadium. Like the Baron in Dune, he's like up in the like...

Yeah, he's like perched right to the side of where Kitchard Rarn is sitting. Oh, that's a good hit, wouldn't you say? And then he taps the turtle's head and the turtle goes, oh. And y'all look over to Jennifer who is wearing her golden rat helm and she screams, rats to me.

And she uses one of her charges. She has three. And a swarm of rats comes from the aqueduct system. The pipes are open here to the Coliseum. And a swarm of rats comes around Jennifer. And she points at Seamus, the son. Attack. And they're going to do bite. They're all going to try to swarm and at Seamus, the son. Attack! And they're going to do bite.

They're all going to try to swarm and bite Seamus. Rolling for that now. Ooh, it hits. Seamus is getting bit by a swarm of rats, which sounds horrible. But when you're covered in gold little glowy stuff, maybe it's not so bad. No, it's so awful. It would still be awful. You're right, it is awful.

It does seven damage, and that's enough to put Seamus away. Seamus is eliminated. And as soon as that happens, a trap door opens right beneath him, and he disappears. Bye-bye, Seamy. I got him good, guys. Good job, Chips. Oh, that Seamus has been eliminated. These families are feuding.

That's a Seamus. Hey, is that guy coming for my job? Sorry, I'm still spinning. Whee! Next up is Beef. I was going to do Shatter. Shatter him. Shatter him.

Okay, let's shatter both of Alan and Stacy. Okay. Constitution 15. Cool, thank you. I'm going to roll for them then, for both of them. They got to beat 15. Let's see what they do. Alan does save and Stacy does not.

So now roll that damage. 3D 10. Okay, roll that damage. 3d10. Okay, 6. Okay. 7. 13. Jesus Christ. And 10. Whoa! 23 damage and

half as much for Alan. That's enough to blow their eardrums off and blow the gold barrier off of them. They are blasted back, and right as they're about to hit the ground, trap doors open beneath them, and they disappear into the abyss,

only leaving Cassandra, the mother, the blacksmith, more upset than ever and determined to make y'all pay. Damn. And Stacey and Seamus would have gone next, but they've been eliminated. So, Chip, you are up next. Gives me a chance to redeem myself. I continue spinning.

If you botch, I will die. I think you guys should break up if he botches. I do have disadvantage on this first attempt. You do. Oh, no. So, we'll see. Oh, my God. It would be so funny.

17. Wow. Okay. first attack you do oh no so we'll see oh my god okay so funny uh 17 wow okay uh 17 attack roll against cassandra right yeah okay it hits but just barely that dizziness almost cost you but this one connects uh 11 damage oh Oh, mama. Okay. Cool. And then I will use my second action, 20. That hits again. It does. Make it up for it. Go.

Seven damage. Okay. And just because I was embarrassed last time, I'm going to use my action surge and just do one more attack. Okay. 22. That hits. Hit again. Holy shit. He's going nutso mode.

12. 12 damage. I'm spinning. I again. Holy shit. He's going nutso mode. 12. 12 damage. I'm spinning. I'm spinning like crazy. Hell yeah. Can you hear me? Yes, spoon. Yes.

Wow. That's a lot of damage coming from that guy. We are certainly feuding. Chalice, you are up next. Holy shit. I'm going to do firebolt. Yes. Firebolt. next. Holy shit. I'm going to do Firebolt. Yes. Firebolt.

Okay. Get them. Hit DC is plus six and damage is 2d10. So give me a d20 plus six, it sounds like. 18. That hits. All right, now 2d10. Be careful.

I might end you. Here we go. She might end you? Who can bear with you? Oh, no. She's going to Enya. Watch out. She's going to Enya.

Seven damage. Cassandra is officially bloodied. You can tell her barrier is starting to flicker here. But Cassandra is also up. No. And she's going to go attack the person who attacked her last, which is Chalice, who's standing still right in front of her. And she's going to go all out on these two hatchet swings.

Okay. She's going to end me. Okay. She misses with the first one and hits with the second. So, Chalice, you are going to take seven damage. Oh, my God. I have two left. Okay.

Jennifer is up next. Keep on swarming, rats! And the rats now swarm Cassandra, and they're going to try to swarm her and bite her, and they miss. Cassandra bats them away and ducks them and knocks them all out of the air. It actually looks pretty awesome.

Damn, that looks pretty awesome. Smacking rats. And that means it's Beef's turn. I'll shatter again. Okay. So I'm going to shatter my ass again. Uncle Sandra. Okay. I've got to get her out of here.

And I need to do a constitution saving through above 15. Is that it? Yeah. She fails. Hell yeah. Here that it? Yeah. She fails. Hell yeah. Here I come. This could be big. I'm going to end you. Six.

Plus. Three. Nine. Nine. Whoa, 18. Okay. Cassandra is still up, but barely. I mean, this shield around her body this this glowing shield

is like really flickering it almost seems non-existent at this point barely hanging on Chip it is back up to you um I've ended my spinning and I take a sturdy stance and I'm gonna go like an uppercut with my axe okay also I my extra action, I think I could have done another hit to her last turn. So that was a waste. 24 to hit. That'll do it. That hits. And a 9 damage. Boom. Uppercut. She goes into

the air, and as she's about to hit the dusty ground, a trapdoor opens, and she disappears. Woo! We did it! And that's it! Wow! 1,000 gold pieces.

Sam's Bugs have done it and defeated the Smiths! We killed a whole family, y'all! Yeah! Let's grab some asses! Yes! Good answer! I mean, we're playing sports, right?

Wow, how exciting. An episode for the ages. With that defeat, it's now time for my favorite part of the show. The part where the family feuds. Last person standing wins the gold. Huh? Wait. But before we start, how's about a little change of environment?

What? What? I have two. You fell asleep so early watching this. There's two rounds after the first round? His voice is very soothing. I would fall asleep as soon as he started the show. Yeah, I'm realizing the soap opera I was watching was called Kill, Kill, Kill, Family, Kill.

Okay. The ground of the Coliseum shakes as a large hole opens up in the center, and you all fall, but only a few feet, before you hit the deck of a modest, two-masted pirate ship or brig. Whoa. And as soon as the ship appears, water starts to pour into the Colosseum field through those ducts that the rats originally came through, filling the field with water and lifting the ship afloat.

Holy shit. Holy shit. The crowd is now on their feet for the finale. All right. Looks like we're ready. Last person standing on the ship wins. Falling into the water is an automatic DQ. Now who's ready to see this family feud?

But we like each other. Plus, I mean, it doesn't really matter who wins, right? Because the money is going to the campaign, so. Yeah, but I bet whoever wins gets to, like, brag about it forever, right? And we'll probably watch footage of this forever. Yeah, and whoever wins probably will get a couple of coins to go to the diner and get a nice hot stack for themselves and maybe go out for a shopping spree afterwards for some nice dresses and yeah yeah

party city maybe you're describing what you would do you think you're gonna win yeah so you're saying if you win this you're not giving all the money to the campaign i'm just saying that i got a lot of debts at party city if i win i'm to give all the money to the campaign, except I am going to go get my hair dyed. You do need it. Beef. Oh, I don't think you're going down. No, wait, wait, wait.

Sorry. Oh, I'm going to kill you for real today. Yeah, Chow, we're going to take beef out together. No, I'm taking you out too. Oh, what? You don't need to do that.

It could be you and me at the end and then we can decide. We can both eat some berries at the end and maybe they'll give both of us half the money or something like that. I love be you and me at the end and then we could decide we could both eat some berries at the end and maybe they'll give both of us half the money or something like that. I love it. Oh, okay. Jennifer, you're

f***ed. You're f***ed, Jennifer. Don't even try. Good luck finding me. And she jumps and tries to look as inconspicuous in the swarm of rats as possible. This won't be the first boat we throw you off of. You're wearing so much rouge I can spot you from a mile away, you f***ing idiot. And here we go.

Are families ready? Set and feud! And cannons go off on the ship that you're on, but there's no actual balls in them. It's just like a big explosion and sound. And then the turtle goes, Whoa!

Was that his final breath? He sounded close breath there's too much chaos you can't tell right now we gotta figure out okay roll for initiative we'll go to his funeral if we have to holy is there any way for me to like sort of is there like an energy drink i could drink or some electrolytes or something to get my armor class up ah that's just the way that things played out 19 if i had known that there was no around 13 maybe you shouldn't have fallen asleep or something to get my armor class up. Ah, that's just the way the things played out. 19. If I had known that there was no round, I wouldn't have... 13.

Maybe you shouldn't have fallen asleep. I don't know. 17. Jennifer rolled a 25. I will say this, Chalice, give me a history check real quick. Okay. Oh, you're in trouble.

This boat's your dad. 21. This boat's your dad. With a 21, you're now connecting some of the things you've seen on this show from like fever dreams where it's like you kind of woke up in the middle of an episode.

Maybe it was in round three, but you weren't even connecting. That was the same show. You do remember that there's been times where competitors appeal to the crowd and get like a care package if the crowd really likes them. What?

You'd have to use an action to try to get that from them. Okay, so Jennifer is up first and she is just going to use the hide action. I'm having her hide in the swarm of rats. So it is incredibly hard to decipher which one is her right now. That's her turn. Chalice, you are up.

I don't know if this counts as an action, but can Chalice, like, indicate with her hand on her stomach that she's pregnant? Okay, so wait, do you want to, for, like, Chip and B, for, like, the gang? The whole stadium. I want her to, like,

indicate to the whole stadium, but it's so convincing that beef and chip maybe think it's real for a second. Okay. I'm going to have you do two separate roles here. I want you to do performance for the crowd and then deception for the crew here. Cool. 17 for the crowd.

They buy it. 25. We're going to say 25. Okay, the crew, I was going to say it has to be over 20. 25, like, y'all believe it in this crazy moment. This is how we know I'm going to be an uncle. Oh, I told you we shouldn't have had that much sex. We had too much sex.

And that's what it is. Oh, God. I'm going to go jump into the water. Immediately, a large care package from the other side of the costume where another baron has been sitting. You see it sent with a little parachute coming down. And Chalice, it is full of a very

rare health potion that upon drinking it, you are back to full AC. Is it Red Bull? It's Red Bull. Awesome. Like, it's a glass, but it's in the shape of a bowl and it's full of red liquid. Oh, fun. Back to 16. I'm going to destroy all of you.

Beef, you are up. Beef takes his hand and he puts it on his belly to indicate that he's... I'm just kidding. He goes invisible. Nice. You're going invisible. For a second it looked like he was trying to indicate he was pregnant, and then he disappeared. Holy shit.

Okay, Beef is invisible. Chip, you're up. What? You're going to be a dad. So I'm looking at rats, and I can't figure out which one's Jennifer. I look at Beef. He goes away. I can't find him.

And I look over at Chalice, who I think is pregnant. With your child. Uh-huh. I sit down. I sit down. I feel so bad. Find Jennifer. Find Jennifer.

I sit down. Don't you want to protect me from all of the others? You're so right. I should protect you. I'll go after Jennifer. Cool. So are they just in a big pile? They're in a swarm.

They're like kind of running all over the deck right now. Does it count as a full action to try and find the rat that's wearing a helmet? I will let this be a bonus action. Okay. Yeah, do investigation. Because she took like a hide action, I'm going to make it more difficult. And so I'm going to say that you have to roll above an 18. Okay. Oh, a 16. Okay. You can't tell which one is Jennifer. I'll say with a 16 though, there's like an area of the ship by like the top or the captain would be steering and

everything. You've at least ruled out that she's not one of them. So you kind of cut it in half. So it'll be easier the next time. Okay. I'm just going to shoot ice knife as close as I can get to where I think Jennifer is. Okay. Because it has like a five foot square sphere of attack. Okay. Gotcha. Give me just a luck check. Okay.

And 18. Now I roll an 18. Okay. Now give me an attack roll. Attack roll is a 13. Okay. You blast Ice Knife. It hits the deck where a large swarm of the swarm of rats are.

There's probably like 10 within there. So give me the total damage then for anyone who's in that area and who it hit. Cool. It is eight damage for the specific target that got hit. So if anybody in particular actually got hit and then for anybody in the area, it's 2d6. And that is seven damage.

So total, if someone got hit. 15 damage. Okay. So Jennifer has hard knock life, which is she has resistance to all damage that isn't bludgeoning, piercing, or slashing. And so that 15, you did hit Jennifer, and you know that because you hear a,

I'm ruined! And so you know she got hit. Same here, I'm gonna be a father! Oh, God, I'm ruined! This is going to cause the biggest fight later. Yeah, man. Jennifer is down. Her shield is down to one hit point.

Holy cow. Jennifer is up. How dare you, Chip? All right, the jig is up. Here comes the swarm. And she forces them towards you. And they're going to use a bite attack. And they roll 12. Not a hit. Okay. They

all jump overboard. Bye. What the freaking heck? Okay. Now, Chalice, you are up. How can I fucking kill beef? Um, try to find me. If I know what general direction he's in, can I use poison spray? Yeah, you could do that again. Like, Chip, did you do like a luck check to see? Yeah, can I do a luck check? And then I'm going to do poison spray. Okay, so you're just going to kind of blast it out, right?

Yeah. And I'm just rolling a d20 for the luck check. Yeah. 18. Okay, now real quick. Erin, if you don't mind taking off your headphones for one second, I'm going to talk to Elizabeth. Is this for my birthday?

We're going to talk about your birthday. Elizabeth, where in your head was beef when you went invisible? Behind her. Behind her? Why are you all laughing? All right. Great. Thank you.

Aaron, you can come back. Well, that felt a lot like high school. I asked Elizabeth where was beef in her mind, where was beef at. And with an 18, that's pretty great luck. So I'm going to give you three guesses where you would shoot the poison spray, directionally or area-wise, whatever. And if out of those three, you get it, that will be the one that you would shoot the poison spray, directionally or area-wise, whatever.

And if out of those three you get it, that will be the one that you would have chosen in real life. Okay, but Elizabeth's brain is so uniquely broken, and I mean that as a compliment. There's no possible way. And you guys laughed hysterically. There's no way. No, you're going to piece it together.

I f***ing know. No, I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't. Three guesses. Okay, my first guess is that beef is right by my stomach trying to piece it together. No, I won't. I won't. I won't. Three guesses. Okay. My first guess is that beef is right by my stomach trying to protect my baby. Okay. So what's going on in the boat?

There's like the part like in Pirates of the Caribbean where it'd be like the main area where people are kind of hanging out like that. And then there's like you'd go up some stairs towards the flat area where the captain would be. And then there's like the front of the ship that goes to like the bow. Is he like the statue at the front of the ship? Okay, is that your second one? Yeah, that's my second guess. Okay.

And my third guess is he's either like where the wheel is or he's up in the crow's nest. These are brilliant. Okay, so that's where Chalice's mind is at of like, okay, I'm just going to try my luck and just poison spray here to try to get beef. Chalice poison sprays right at the bow of the ship to nothing. Beef was right behind you the whole time.

I thought I guessed the right next to me. You said right next to me. I should have not specified by my stomach. Yeah. That was my first guess, though, was that you were right next to me. I should have not specified by my stomach. Yeah. That was my first guess, though, was that you were right next to me. Well, right behind you. No, but I'm saying different words. Those are different words.

Alright, Beef, you are up. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna use shatter. I'm like, my ass is out, and I'm pointing at Chip, and then Chalice, and then Chalice, and then Chip, and then I fire off at Chip. Okay. Shatter me. So Chip 15 saving throw. Constitution.

Okay. I roll a 5 so I do not save. Elizabeth 3d10. Let him know what it is. I'll let him know. 8. Okay. Ow. 2. 10.

8. 18 Okay. Ow. Two. Ten. Eight. Eighteen damage. Ow! But not really. I look at the camera again. I now see beef because, of course, an attack roll makes you visible. And my goal is simply to pick him up and throw him over the edge. Okay.

Or shove him over the edge, whichever one's simpler. All right. So then you are going to grapple him. Okay. So you're going to do an opposed strength check. But I want to do, like, a shove. Isn't there a shove? You just want to shove?

Yeah, I just want to shove him. I mean, obviously, he's tossing my ass overboard. I'm doing an ass tossing. Okay. Give me a strength check. I'm doing an ass tossing. Okay. Give me a strength check. I rolled a 23. Great. Now, Beef, in order to save from this shove from going over,

you can use acrobatics, which is dexterity. Oh. So you got to beat a 23 to not get shoved off this ship. Okay, let's see if I'm going to get shoved off this ship. Okay, let's see if I'm going to get shoved off this ship. 18 plus 5. Holy sh**. It's a tie. Oh

my god. Oh my god. We don't know who the father is. Maybe it's me. What the hell are you talking about? So I'm going to say that both of you are like engaged in this dance chip uses all his strength to push forward beef you kind of expertly use his body weight against him but he catches enough of your shoulder that you're both at the very edge so what i'm gonna say for this since you tied and you're trying to push each other it's that thing where

you're trying to push your friend into the pool and they kind of grab you too and you both fall into the water. I'm the father. You're the father. Yeah, I'm the father. Yeah, you're the father. Please. Yeah, I'm the father. Please let it be you. I'm not ready for games. I'm ready.

I'm ready. I'm ready. And splash. They hit the water, and gold dust kind of splashes with their impact. Leaving now only Chalice and Jennifer. Oh, I thought she fell. Jennifer is standing across from Chalice with one hit point left. It is her turn, and she goes,

Want to split it? Nope. That's it? Nope. That's it. Fine. Have it your way. Jennifer attacks you and is going to try to bite your toe. 11. Does that hit?

No. Okay. What does Chalice do as Jennifer runs screaming at her? She grabs her dagger. She's just going to send it into Jennifer's heart. Okay. Give me an attack roll. 18.

Okay, that hits. And what does it look like when you throw this dagger? She looks at Jennifer right in the eye. Jennifer's right at her foot, right? She's staring up at her. Yeah. And just full throws down the dagger. Well, like Ninja Star?

Yeah, like Ninja Star. The dagger goes straight to where Jennifer's little rat helm and skull would be. But of course, there's a golden barrier, so it stops. And she just makes the same sound as the turtle. Oh! A little trap door opens and she disappears into it. And Chalice, a new pedestal arises from the ship and you go higher into the air.

And that's it. That is the winner of our feudal family's feuding. Are you not entertained? F*** you. F*** you. Congratulations, Chalice Claps. As my first move as winner, I will release that turtle. Let him retire.

Good, yes. I like working here. All right, f*** me, I guess. I tried. And the question on everyone's mind is, Chalice, how are you going to spend your thousand gold pieces? A little on me, A little on the baby. A little on my friends.

And a lot on Jennifer the Rat's mayoral campaign. A vote for Jennifer means sex is back on the menu, boys. And the crowd goes nuts. Cut to the green room. Jennifer, Beef, and Chip are all soaking wet sitting on the couch as Chalice walks in dry as heck. Smoking.

Smoking. I just don't understand. I mean, we use protection every time and I'm allowed and I just like it. Did you do it in any other holes

or I don't know. We did it in all the different holes I think to spread it all out and everything. We did it, y'all. Congrats. Thank you.

I won. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So should we start a college fund with the money? I guess I'm just like... Congrats Thank you I won Yeah Yeah Yeah So we So should we start a college fund With the money I guess I'm just like

It's a baby in you For the baby I guess the baby doesn't have to go to college You're right You're right Challenge Your oven No

There's a bun in the oven You The oven Guys guys guys I'm not I'm not pregnant Huh We're pregnant

No no no So we're pregnant We're pregnant No no no We're pregnant Very inclusive Everyone get your hands off my stomach And stop saying we're pregnant All three of you Oh I'm pregnant And B folds his belly

No one here is pregnant I lied so I could get the Red Bull Oh So I'm still the baby. Kitchard Rarn. Kitchard Rarn. Just switching those two letters. It's got to be the worst spoonerism on the show so far.

Totally. Rarn, Rarn, how is your Rarn? I'm sexually attracted to Kitchard. True. Rarn. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Hartford did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible.

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Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening.