SitcomD&D - S5 E21: Integrity

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

It's Election Day Eve and the BUGs are trying to think of ways to get as many voters out to the polls for Jennifer as possible, but when they hear of Mayor Naise secret plans to rig the election they have no choice but to investigate.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle,Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Elizabeth Andrews & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I was very, very sad because Stephen Sondheim, who is a musical theater composer, who I'm a huge fan of, died a couple years ago. Still sad about it. Still sad about that? I can still maybe be sad about that. Oh my God, I didn't know. Also, we're getting Elizabeth's live reaction to this news, and it's nothing. And she couldn't care less.

Over it almost immediately. Yeah, I never got cast in his musicals. Or if I did, I was in the back. I was very, very sad. I intended to bid on something in his silent auction. They're selling all the stuff from his house, and I missed it. And I was very, very sad.

And then I went to HeadGum today. And Adel had won something. And he handed me a little teacup from Sondheim's house. That's really cool. Might be my favorite gift I've ever received. That's what I would save in a fire. So Adel gave that to you because you love Sondheim. Do you feel like maybe you should pass it forward to Elizabeth?

Give an Elizabeth reaction? Yeah, Elizabeth. Who's Stephen Sondheim? Tell me anything about him. I'm going to put Pepsi in it. Okay, never mind. You're never allowed over ever again. You're a monster.

You're a monster. I know. I thought you were about to quote Sondheim and then you said that. What? Oh, riddle me that, riddle me this, put it in the cup. F*** you. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast

recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guessed it, we are picking up Inside Bottoms Up. But it is not a typical day because it is the day before Election Day. Election Day Eve. Holy moly, the entire season has been leading to this. The entire season has been leading to this. Now, y'all are seated around the bar contemplating what you can do to further Jennifer's chances of becoming the new mayor of France tomorrow. And tomorrow is when the voting is going down. So it's a pretty appropriate conversation to be having. And that's where we're going to pick up.

So quiet on set. Sound speeding. And we're rolling. Guys. Beautiful. That was good. That was Sondheim. And that was Sondheim.

When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Peep at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end, so cheers to all our family and our friends

Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant and Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience

Yeah, how do we make her likability better, you know? More, more, we need more I was just playing at picking everybody up and just bringing them to the booths. I was just going to pick everybody up, take them right to the booth, sat them down right there. But Chip, how can we guarantee they're going to vote for Jennifer? Well, I mean, they have to make their own choices, Chalice. It's part of a fair election. Yeah, right.

Babe. It's part of a fair election, hun. Okay. Are we finding out right now that you chip cares about elections being fair has integrity yes you are finding out that chip has integrity okay stop joking it's not funny guys do i have integrity god no no no oh you're riddled with really bad things and as you guys are having your conversation you hear uh slamming and knocking on the door here you hear you here you hear you let me in no second to last episode i think we can murder him

yeah we've had enough of him he won't be in the last episode right we can murder him right now just leave it on the door or slip it under the door no you guys it's not even a law i just have something to tell you is it gossip i love gossip um kind of just let me in please okay guys get the pranks ready and i'm gonna open the door okay hey it's me john the crier it's you know in the parent trap when uh they say like booby trap the yeah when the paint can comes flying down. The paint can and the, with the honey and the shaving cream. That, all that happens to John the Crier right now. And then also, also an impaired trap

where she gets sent out. She falls asleep and she gets sent onto the middle of the lake. That also happens. He fell asleep from that and we push him out to the middle of the lake. And then we put all of his furniture on top of our building

with his guppy little stuffed animal. We do all of it right away. Yeah. Oh, and then we do middle of the lake. And then we put all of his furniture on top of our building with his guppy little stuffed animal. We do all of it right away. Yeah. Oh, and then we do the Meredith's lake. We put the lizard in her mouth. Yes. And then the lizard comes out and the beef eats the lizard. Yes.

And then we do the clap thing and the dance. Okay. I'm looking over my notes. I think that's going to be a dexterity singing. I'll do it. Do it, Aaron. Come on, baby. Yeah, we'll have you guys do a dexterity check to see if you set this up correctly.

And we got a natural 20, baby. Well, yeah. That is my favorite natural 20 of all time, baby. Thank you, God. Okay, that all happens. all time maybe thank you god uh okay that all happens and now he's like covered in honey feathers there was a lizard in his mouth and he's like guys seriously though i do have something to tell you let's be serious sorry i'm just emotional i can't believe that worked so well we've been practicing for a week yeah we've tried that to

so many people in the past and it's never worked anywhere close to that. Yeah. Guys, you, okay, just real quick, you know that I work for the mayor's office and I have something that will help you. Oh. Okay. I quit today.

John, good for you. We don't have any open positions here. Okay, John. No, it was just, I was fed up you We don't have any open positions here Okay John No it was just I was fed up They don't respect me over there as much as you guys do That's horrible That's really bad For a workplace

If they hate you more than we do That's I can't even imagine We treat Jennifer way better than we treat you, and I called her a cesspool of disease this morning. You know what I mean? Thank you kindly. Well, I quit.

I'm done. I'm never going back there again. And let's just say I don't really want them to win the election tomorrow. There, I said it. Oh. So are you going to be like our rat or our mole and give us some inside information? There's only room for one rat on this team.

Right, guys? Well, we could have a mole. Yeah, you could be a mole. Well, yeah. Maybe I could be your mole or whatever. This is all kind of stressful. All I know is they were talking about plan, quote, we can't lose a lot.

Is it plan we can't lose a lot or they were talking about the plan a lot? They were talking about the plan a lot. The plan's just called we can't lose. I'm pretty sure. I don't know what they're up to, but it's definitely not something. They're definitely not acting with a lot of integrity.

Oh, hey. Whoa. Whoa, that's my thing as of now. That word triggers Chip. What are we talking about? If there's one person that has integrity, it's me. And I don't know what it is that they're up to, but it's big, it's bad, and it's happening here.

And he hands you a scroll that is a map to a location of where something is going down. That's all I know. I really don't know. I'm not brave enough to be a part of anything else, but good luck. And he runs out in a panic. That was wildly useful. He said that's all he'd know, but he gave us a map to the exact spot we need to go to?

I think we should go to where this map says. Yeah, hon. Yeah, that's such a good idea. I didn't even think to do that. Right? You didn't? What, are you an idiot? We got a map to this place.

Beef was already packing his knapsack. Follow me, the leader. After you guys follow the map, as you're getting closer and closer, it becomes clearer and clearer that you may have been here before until you are standing in front of its gates, gazing upon what used to be the now defunct Billy Bonka factory.

Whoa. God, look at those crows. They're so big. Scary. There's so many. Do we see any Doompadoompas anywhere? Why doesn't one of you give me a perception check, Chip? A six.

All you see is the gates have now been locked up and chained uh because you can tell this place has been like foreclosed on it is vacant it is shut down uh and it looks completely off no activity that you can tell from the outside and completely uninhabited to your eyes. Couldn't John give us the key to get us in? He's just as useless as we thought he was. How high is the gate? It's pretty tall for a gate. Almost 15 feet tall.

I think spider climb is a good idea. Yeah, I'm going to do spider climb. Okay, so you can climb wherever you want at this point what are you doing i have an idea and she starts climbing up i'm gonna go on the other side and i'm gonna try to unlock it from the other side for my friends okay on the other side of the gate is that the first time chalice has ever said that that can't be right on the other side of the gate there is a padlock that is keeping these chains together uh but you

do not have a key on you you could try and lock pick it um or whatever else you would like to try can i try to lock pick it and if not maybe chip can smash it cool what a beautiful dating combo picking the smash yeah picking smash give me a dexterity check. 19. What are you using to lockpick this stuff? I'm going to use the barrette that's in my hair. Okay. The barrette goes into the lock, and just with a few deft movements,

Chalice used to break into other princesses' lockers in school and prank them sometimes, and they were mean to her. Because I have integrity. And so with a few deft movements, pop, the lock comes open and the chains fall to the ground and Chalice is ushering in the gang. Hello, hello, welcome to Billy Bunker's Beer Factory. I'm Billy Bunker.

Oh, thank you for having me. I'm Mike TV. Oh my God, they must have so much integrity sex, Jennifer. What was that, Beef? What? Nothing. I was just thinking about you guys having integral sex. I actually don't think it's that important, but that's kind of you to think that our sex carries such weight.

Well, I just imagine you guys having sex saying, integrity, integrity. You imagine us having sex? Oh, God, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Who else? Well, everybody. Anybody I meet. Even me?

No. What? You said everybody like a second ago. Did I? I do it good, Beef. You would love to watch it. Be lucky. No.

Yes. Yes. I do it huge. I do it huge. Gross. Awful. Hate that. You should be stopped.

Yeah, I do believe it, though, actually. Can I roll to see if there's any window we can crawl through? I'd do it huge. Jennifer, please stop interrupting our DM. Then I'm pissed, Jennifer, if you're interrupting the DM. Jennifer, could you stop interrupting our DM? That's messed up. We need our DM to DM.

God, Jennifer. So give me a perception check. Now that you have moved inside the grounds of Billy Bonka's factory, you're closer to the establishment itself and the factory itself. 12. You were specifically looking for a cracked second floor window. And so with a 12, you do see that. That is the only single point of entry that you are able to see is a second floor cracked window. You also see just one

patrol person, someone who is patrolling the outskirts of the factory. They look to be like a mercenary of Mayor Nays. All right, Mr. Integrity, kill that guy who's just doing his job. Okay, well, I'm not going to kill him, but he will be asleep real soon. You gotta let him sleep. You gotta let this guy sleep, okay? I'll put you all climb inside. Childish still got spider climb. Maybe

climb up and then you can unlock the door once again. Way ahead of you. And she's on the second floor giving a thumbs up. Damn, what is going on today? This is flawless. I feel amazing. I'm having a perfect day. You had to have had your cereal today.

Your Wheaties? My God. I am. In order to pull that off, I'm going to give you advantage on it since you're a place that people normally wouldn't be, which is crawling on the wall. But give me a stealth check to make sure you're not seen by this person patrolling the outskirts. Would a 22 work? damn okay chalice is on drugs for sure she's on performance enhancing what is that that we bazinga she took some bazinga for sure okay so chalice uh is everybody else waiting i'm gonna go sneak up on the guard and try and put him to sleep. I'm going to cast sleep on him.

Oh, okay. Pretty badass that Chalice didn't even wait for this guy to be asleep. Yeah. I'll spider climb where I want, when I want. Okay, does he do a saving throw? I have to roll 5d8, and the total is how many hit points of creatures it can affect. Gotcha. I rolled a 29.

He falls asleep. I'm gonna run over within the minute. I'd like to run over to him, pick him up and like shove him in a barrel or a locked case of something like an outhouse. Anything that will shove

him away for a little bit. Put him in a barrel with a rock on top of it. I'm gonna put him in a barrel with a rock on top of it. I'm going to put him in a barrel with a rock on top of it if I can. Okay. You do see a barrel. And that was like an old cask for probably bringing in syrup for candy and things. And it looks mostly empty. There's candy at the beer factory?

This beer factory is wild. Wow. I think Sean maybe forgot that. Beer flavored candy. It's Billy Bonka, not Willy Wonka for a sec. No, no. There's a special beer they're Sean maybe forgot that. Beer flavored candy. It's Billy Wonka, not Willy Wonka for a sec. No, no. There's a special beer they're coming out with that was candy flavored. Oh, really, Sean?

This is because Jennifer interrupted him. Now he's completely off his game. Thanks a lot, Jennifer. Sorry. Not. Okay. So you stuff him in the barrel and conveniently there is a big rock nearby. Yes.

And you put that on top of the barrel as well. The clock's ticking he's only going to be asleep for a minute so we're going to cut to chalice chalice you are now inside uh what was the second floor window but you see that the first floor and the second floor as far as the windows go there's no separation it is one really high ceiling to open space that is a big part of the factory so you are on like, almost like a reverse fire escape, because you're on the inside of the building. And you can get take those like stairs down to the first floor and make your way to the front door to unlock it if you would like. Now, there is a lot of movement happening here. Do you want to do a perception check in a way or are you

going for speed? I'm going to go for speed. And I'm also going to look around because I feel like if we bought this, we could turn it into an amazing apartment to flip. Oh, yeah. So give me a perception check with disadvantage because you're trying to go move with speed here. Damn, I shouldn't have said that. Okay, 17. Okay. And then do I need to do a speed check? No, you're good there.

As you're running towards the front door, you see that this factory is still being worked by Doompadoompas. And with a 17, you see that they are like shackled to the assembly line. And they look pretty sad. What's the name of the Doompadoompa that you played in that episode?

Linda. Linda. Can I try to see if played in that episode? Linda. Linda. Can I try to see if I can spot Linda? Sure. This is going to slow you down if you're going to be looking for a specific Doomba Doomba. But if you want to, no problem. I'm cool with it slowing me down. Okay.

Give me another perception check for looking for Linda. Beef and Chip are just waiting outside the front door. We're playing tic-tac-toe in the dirt. Yeah. 24. 24. 24, you do see Linda. Linda's wearing the hat of a foreman on the assembly line. Oh, no.

And has a clipboard. And since you were looking for her, she is now making eye contact with you. Okay. But she's not chained to anything? Yeah, she's chained. Okay. I'm going to anything? Yeah, she's chained. Okay. I'm going to wink at her,

assuming that she thinks I may be there to save her. I don't know that person. And are you sticking around to hang out with her or are you going? I'm going to go and grab the gang. Okay. So you go to the front door. We're going to cut back to the other two.

Chalice was gone a little bit over a minute here. A minute has passed, and the person in the barrel with the rock on top has woken up and is starting to make some noise. It's a little bit muffled because of the barrel, but it's only a matter of time before another guard hears them. You want to get three in a row. That's why you keep losing.

You just keep going all over the place. Guys, guys, guys. X's or O's? One sec, hold on. Okay, first of all over the place. Guys, guys, guys. X's or O's? One sec, hold on. Okay, first of all, keep playing X's, okay? Because I'm O's and you're giving me extra spots. No, I'm O's, Chels.

I heard you. Oh, thanks. Oh, I won. Integrity. No, I won. He won. Come on, guys. Get inside. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go. You guys make it inside and the doors close behind you. You know, there is a guard making some sort of noise outside.

That might lead to more suspicion. But you see the factory floor where there is a lot going on. There are lots of... You see Doompadoompas chained to an assembly line that is like the Ford assembly line meets a blacksmith's smithery. Guys, Linda's here. I thought we freed these people from Billy Bonka's reign of terror. Linda Cardigan, Linda? Who's Cardigan, Linda, beef? Linda is Cardigan.? Who's Cardigan Linda, Beef? Linda

is Cardigan. She wore a cardigan. They're the same person, Chalice. Are we talking about the same person? Linda Cardigan. You know how Beef always gives last names based on the what the person was wearing when we met them? Oh, hey, Linda.

What the hell is going on? Shh, Linda. I'm saying shh. Hey, we. Shh, shh, shh, shh. What the hell is going on? Shh, Linda. What? I'm saying shh, shh. Oh. Um, hey, we're here to save you, maybe. What's going on? Who hired you?

What do you guys do? What do you guys make of it? Oh, my God. They're here to save us, maybe. Shh, no. Don't tell everybody. We're here to save you. You, maybe.

Oh, just me, everybody. Oh, my. Linda. I hate Linda. Sorry, everybody. Never mind. Just me. Just Linda. Well, maybe, everybody. Oh. Sorry, everybody. Never mind. Just me. Just Linda.

Well, maybe everybody. Oh, maybe everybody. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Oh, my God. Just stop. Hey, Linda. What's the deal? What's the deal? Yeah, where'd your cardigan go? No.

No, no. That seems like a long story. Linda. She's begging to tell us, though. You story. Linda. She's begging to tell us, though. You can see it. She's begging to tell us. Since we worked for the mayor now, everything's different. Linda don't even have a cardigan anymore because of dress cards. That's awful. Dumpers are made to serve.

We don't really know what to do when we left our own devices. Now we work for the mayor, but it's not good. It's not good at all. What are you making for the mayor, Linda? I don't know. We're stuck on this floor. We don't even get to see what's going on. What do you make on this floor? It's not good. I don't know what it is, but it's not good. You're the foreman. You don't know? What's happening on the assembly line in front of you and in front of us? and you don't know. But what's happening on the assembly line in front of you and in front of us?

For us, we just get the track together and we just get the carts together to go to the second floor. Oh, okay. For it to get made. So you're telling us whatever we need to know is on the second floor, not down here.

Yeah. Okay, well, we'll see you later. We'll maybe save you later. They're going to mobile save us! Shh! Okay, guys, what if we just i don't even do we have to do the whole song and dance of figuring out what we're doing what if we just tried to ruin it ruin the assembly line yeah is that bad storytelling if we just don't care what we're doing we just try to ruin it the issue is i i i get what you're I see where you're coming from. Let's all sit down, sit to crisscross applesauce.

Let's talk about this. I feel like it's, we're so close to the election that whatever they were doing has maybe already taken effect. Yeah, and you're right. It's better for the story and the plot. Or we could just free Linda and go find her cardigan. I'm not going to find my cardigan.

Don't B-plot me because I will leave for a B-plot. Alright, I dare you. Okay. I dare you, Beef. B-plot it. No, you tell us. Dare me? I double dog dare you. B-plot it. Go find Linda's cardigan. And then you and the DM

Sean, unless he's interrupted by Jennifer will have to bounce between the A-plot that he prepared for and worked hard on, I'm sure, and your B plot. I dare you. You know that the B stands for beef. I know. We all know. And the C plot stands for chalice because those are the wackiest.

I would like to check for perception on where the locker room is. Okay. Give me a perception check. I got an 11. All right. You see that there is like an employee area. You don't know if there's like lockers there or not, but you do see an employee area. All right.

Good luck, Beef. Toodle-oo, losers. Bye, Beef. Bye, Beef. I'm following the A-plot. Sorry, stinker. I did fart before I left. Okay.

So what are you two doing? We'll catch up with beef in a minute i look identify where the second floor of this place is linda interrupts you while you are looking we're trying to get to the second floor yes i'm so clearly looking for a second floor i'm like squinting my eyes how's my have my hand over my eyes. Like, where is it? The only way is these doors, but they're locked from the second floor, so you can't get there. Just like the windows, unless they're open. But the way to get to the second floor is the only

way I know is to go on the cart itself. And you look at the assembly line itself, they're like a slab of sheet metal on wheels on a track. Essentially like a mine cart that is completely flat, like the size of a large picnic blanket.

Hell yeah. And it's got like a bunch of divots in it. And they're like on a track and they ride up to the second floor and then like out of this room. Can I look around to see if floor and then like out of this room can i look around to see if there's like a bucket of nails or tools or something around that i can grab before we get in the cart yeah um give me a perception check 18 okay with an 18 pretty much anything that you would find in a workshop you you see at your disposal so what do

you grab i'm gonna grab like a bunch of nails a hammer and like wrench like a tool kit with a bunch of nails you got a full tool kit um with several tools in it great all right i say we get in the car and then i'm gonna sort of reach down and f**k with the um track a little bit behind us the whole time. Oh, cool. To sort of slow it down. So before we even know what it is, we're kind of f***ing with the speed in which they're doing this. I'm on board.

Also, this looks so fun. I know. It's like a roller coaster. Let's get in. And look for a place where they take the photo because I want to buy it after. Okay, okay, okay. We'll just take a picture of when they show us the picture. Oh, I mean, who pays for that? A $14 keychain?

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to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash sitcom D&D. Now we'll cut back to Beef, who has just gotten past the employee area and sees that there are cubby holes with uh names taped over each one interesting double dog dare me i'll get this done i'll be a hero i'll be a hero he's gonna get bored of this so fast and then um i i go invisible because to be safe. So I touch myself in the locker room and I go invisible. I'm going to look for a laundry chute. Okay. Bypassing the cubby holes.

We don't even want to check those? Oh. Well, that would be too obvious. Also, I take out my detective hat and my detective magnifying glasses. Are those invisible as well? Yes, they have to be. After a quick glance through the cubbyholes, you don't see any sign of Linda's cardigan, even in the Linda cubbyhole. You do spot a laundry chute, however.

Ah, bingo. I bet it just got stuck in the wash. Beef, oh, beef stuck in the wash. Beef. Oh, beefy's on the case. I walk over to the laundry chute, and I shoot myself down. Can I fit in it? Well, let's see if you fit in the laundry chute. Why don't you just give me either acrobatics

or a dexterity check? I botched and on a b plot on a b plot by myself which means wearing what you're currently wearing you cannot make it down do i get stuck with a botch you don't even get stuck you like dive in it with full confidence and are bounced off of the opening it's not even close given what you're wearing and that you're not lubricated well there's the answer i go back to the cubby holes and i find any kind of cream lotion so are you nude and lubed yes okay and ready to go the name of my one woman show if you're interested absolutely at the elysian every saturday at noon and noon every saturday give me a dexterity check uh with advantage this time oh i got a nat 20 from bodge to nat 20 nude and lubed

you rock it down the laundry chute. You can't tell which way is up, down if you're going left, right. You are lost in the sauce like one of those water slides that's fully dark and for some reason at one point there is like a little neon light in it for a bit just like a water slide.

This is cool. And you are having a blast until it turns into a true water slide. Now you're surrounded by water and you're thinking, what the hell is going on? It's not before too long that this water slide leads

to where all water slides lead, which is a big basin of water. Beef, you just landed in a giant industrial washing machine. That was fun. Oh, Chip and Chalice will love this. We'll see how fun it is when we catch back up with you.

I think it's going to be more dangerous than you think. Cool. So Chip and Chalice, you guys are on the cart and it is going up, up, up. And it's making the same clicking sounds as like a roller coaster would.

Chalice is like dropping nails and kind of pulling up little bits of track to make it loose behind her. Okay, cool. I'm going to have you do a check for that. You've got the tools. That's easy enough to accomplish. That is happening. You guys get to the top.

Again, this is like a pretty, for the most part, sheer piece of metal that you're on. So less of a cart and more of just like a platform. So when it's going very high up vertically, you have to hold on to keep from sliding off. We have now gotten to the top and now you can start to see into the next room or area you're about to enter, but it is very dark. The lights in the factory are so bright you can't really see into this next room, but you're at the apex of what we'll call this roller coaster as you enter into the next room, and it takes a dive like the big drop of a roller coaster. So what we're going to

do now is a skill check. We'll have you guys roll for initiative, so both roll for initiative here. Nine. Thirteen. You are now entering the real assembly line, and the stakes are about to go up. You are flying down the track now. I'm not scared! I'm not scared! I'm not scared!

I will let each of you guys do a skill check. You tell me what it is, and if it makes sense logically, I'll let you of you guys do a skill check. You tell me what it is, and if it makes sense logically, I'll let you apply that modifier. I feel like athletics, holding on to stuff, feels appropriate. Can I do athletics? Yes, you can. Ooh, a 12.

Okay. With a 12, you are gripping at the top and gripping Chalice, and Chalice is really getting, you know, like the physics at work here are pulling Chalice out of your grip, and you have to decide if you're going to let go or let go of Chalice. I will let go of Chalice. Yeah, I'm staying on the cart. She can handle herself. I trust her.

I love my boyfriend. She got sticky spider hands. I love my sweet boyfriend. my boyfriend. She got sticky spider hands. I love my sweet boyfriend. Chalice, you feel your hand get let go of by Chip, and you start to fly

off of the cart. What do you do? Do you try to do anything to stay on, or do you let this happen? Well, first, I look at Chip and I go, wow. It's dark in here. I can't see anything. Wow. It's so dark here. I can't see anything. Wow. It's so dark.

Don't tell her I have dark vision. Oh, wait. Nobody else is here. I'm here. Oh, hi, Jennifer. Chip says he has dark vision. I heard. I heard.

Could I use web to keep me in the cart? Put it kind of like a seat belt like over the cart oh like web yourself like web myself webby little blankie yes you can does it do damage no okay you get you and chip webbed to this thing you are stuck for the time being in a good way you are secure can it be like in the shape of like roller coaster seatbelt please hell yeah i can so i just i knew you could do it is the thing i just i was giving you an opportunity beef you're not here sorry i i can't hear in the dark beef wherever he is Messages

Don't do it man Dude I messed up so bad Beef I hope you're having fun And it's a good thing That Chalice webbed you guys to The platform that you're on Because it does a full loop de loop Right after that

I'm not scared And then it takes you into a Flat portion of the assembly because it does a full loop-de-loop right after that. Woo-hoo! I'm not scared! And then it takes you into a flat portion of the assembly line where a mage hand, you don't know who's controlling this, where it's coming from, comes and drops off a large, what looks like just like copper ore, like a big boulder of copper ore, gets placed right in the middle of the cart between you and Chalice. Next thing you know, you're seeing the carts ahead of you and what's happening to them.

And the cart just in front of you, you see that it gets chopped up. This ore, big blades come down and chop it into finer pieces. So you are quickly moving towards that. This would be a great spot for the photo. A flash goes off. For some reason, a flash goes off. You don't know what it means. You don't know what it's for. Chalice, you had to do a reaction last time, but this one is your action in the initiation. So what would you like to do as some big blades are coming down to chop this up in front of you? Would gust help? No, probably not because it's like a machine. Well, could you gust us like to the side? Yeah. Could I gust us to a different track?

You do see another track. It is pretty much adjacent to you in about 20 feet coming up before the big slicing occurs. And it looks like it's further along in the process going the opposite direction. If you timed it right, you could jump from your cart to another. Can I use gust or is there like a switch I can flip to? There's no change in the track itself. There's just a different cart that's further along in the process that you could physically jump off your platform onto the other one. Okay. Can we do that? Yeah. Give me a check that you're going to, uh, we'll use. I feel like acrobatics. I think that's fair. Jumping from one car to another definitely is acrobatic. Oh, five. You go to D web and you jump

and you know, in the air, you are going to be short. You're pulling and you jump and you know in the air you are going to be short. You're pulling Chip with you and you know you're going to be short getting to this next cart. I will let you do a different roll in the air. Okay. I'm going to use the hammer to sort of grab onto the cart and pull us in. Sort of just give me a little bit more. The old back of the hammer? The part that like moves nails out?

Okay. What's that called? The flange. Hammer back. The old back of the hammer, the part that like, yeah, nails out. Okay. What's that called? The flange hammer, flange hammer back. Um, she's going to do that. And I feel like that would maybe be dexterity. Yeah.

Dexterity check. Here we go. 22. With a 22 bang, bang goes Maxwell silver hammer, and it goes into the side of the platform and you are holding on the side as that platform continues on uh you look back chip you are uh arms around chalice's waist and you guys are dangling off the side of this platform as it moves forward you look to the right behind you and you skipped a

lot of stuff something that shoots fire and is like melting the chopped up ore into the holes. A smasher smashing things and imprinting things. And you skipped all that from with your jump. But when you look to your left, you guys again dangling off the side, you see coming up is a big like the platforms raise and dump into a big pile where water's getting blasted to cool them down. It looks like a very tough situation, but you also notice if you jump again,

you can avoid that watery situation to like a platform to the left. Can I kind of use Chalice as a swing and gain some momentum and then try and jump towards that? Wow. Because of my integrity. Wow.

Because of my integrity. I'm going to have a big fight. I'll pull you with me. You certainly can. Use my girlfriend as a swing. Acrobatics, you think? Mm-hmm. Okay.

A 19. Use Chalice as a swing and you jump and you bring Chalice with you on the dismount and land on the second floor. Again, where people would be no longer on the assembly line, on the floor you were trying to get to. We did it.

On? Completely silent. Oh, you've done the silent treatment. And Beef can hear that silence and message. We're going to pick back up with Beef. Beef, you are in an industrial washing machine. You are surrounded by the uniforms that you see the Doompadoompas now wearing on the factory floor, on the first floor. And you are being thrashed around.

Give me a constitution saving throw to see how you're faring. And if you can, well, catch your breath in between this onslaught of water. I botched. I love this. Beef, everything goes dark for you.

You can't hold your breath any longer. I say my goodbyes. Be a message. Yeah, yeah. What do you say to Chip? So you're messaging Chip right now as you're about to pass out underwater. Okay, I'm like, Chip.

What's up, what's up? Beef plot's not going too well. I think I'm gonna die. Oh, shit. Wait, what did What's up? What's up? B-plot's not going too well. I think I'm going to die. Oh, shit. Wait, what did he say? What did he say? Oh, well. Oh, so now you're talking to me, huh?

Okay, tell me what Beef said. Come on. Oh, okay. Well, Beef said he's about to die. What? He was just going to find a cardigan. That's like the least dangerous. He almost just died.

That's the softest clothing there is as a cardigan.'s like the least dangerous we almost just died that's the softest clothing there is as a cardigan what is going on it's wet it's there's tons of underwear everywhere what he's drowning in underpants like but in a way that he doesn't like which is no yeah all right beef you gotta tell him that he's gotta figure it out on his own. We're busy. Beef, we're busy. Bye. Gotcha. And Beef, everything goes black. He said gotcha at the end, so I think it was all a prank anyway. Oh, damn it.

Yeah, that could be, damn it. And so we cut back to Chip and Chalice. You move through on the second floor where you would be looking at the assembly line you see that there is a room that comes off it and this new room that you're looking into uh looks more like it'd be like the research and development wing of this factory okay so maybe there's some information there about what's going on here yeah can we try and get into the room you can it's actually, the door is wide open

and there's only like one light. Like it looks like an after hours kind of light is still on. Is there any like CCTV in here? Yeah. Give me a perception check. That's a really good question. I just want to watch beef maybe die. 17. You do not see any CCTV cameras. And what you do see, though, is like a chalkboard on a far side of the wall with a bunch of what looks like schematics on it. Can we decipher them at all? Why don't you give me an investigation check here? 15. Okay. With a 15, you see a schematic of a stick person drawn in chalk on the board With a 15, you see a schematic of a stick person drawn in chalk on the board, walking out of a voting booth and being handed a I just voted bronze pin. And then next to that written in chalk says too late with it kind of like scribbled out.

And then you see the schematics of the arcana that was used to create a familiar-looking mind-control bracelet. Oh? And then below that, you see a new design for a bronze pin that instead of reading, I just voted, it reads, I just about to do a vote. And this pin has a thumbs up next to it. That is not elegant.

I would have maybe wrote, I'm about to vote. Did dogs make this? I just about to about to vote. Did dogs make this? I'm just about to do a vote. Did Beef design this? Yeah. Did Beef, after he hit his head, design this? That's why Beef doesn't need to do the main plot. Beef was behind this whole thing.

He's the mayor. No, that's nothing. Okay. No, that's all fake. He's the mayor. I'm supposed to be the mayor. No, that's nothing. Okay. No, that's all fake. He's the mayor. I'm supposed to be the mayor. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So this is the fucking teenager from the thing. Yes. From the school. So I can just, last time I just smashed the big thing. We just got to find the big thing I could smash. And you hear some claps from the darkness. I clap immediately.

Yeah. I clap. I think this is a good idea. I really clap. I clap immediately. Yeah. I clap. Someone thinks this is a good idea. Yay, Chip. And Spencer, the teenage wizard, walks out of the darkness with his black cat on his shoulder and says, well, you figured it out, didn't you?

Good for you. Thank you. Okay. What are you, why are you doing this? Because you tried to ruin my life i was the coolest kid in school and you blew that for me okay you weren't the coolest kid in school you pretended to be shut up and he takes a slingshot and slingshot something at you

does a 20 hit oh yeah you look down chip and it's the last thing you remember because it was a i just did a vote pin is what is greeting you when you look down. And suddenly Chip's eyes go blank. And Chalice, you realize that Chip is now mind controlled. I about to do a vote. No, no. I about to do a vote.

Oh, you know what I will do is a repeat of what I did last time. I'm going to use minor illusion and pretend that there's a pin on me. Um, and what's the, I've already forgotten it. I just about to vote. I just about to do a vote. I just want to do a vote.

And then Chaz goes, Oh, I just about to do a vote. I like your pin too. And she goes to like fake, admire it on chip. And she tries, uh, she uses strength to try to rip it off. Why don't you roll a performance check or performance or deception to see if Spencer

believes what you're doing is legitimate? 25, 19 plus six. Whoa. Okay. So he is like, doesn't quite understand it. He's like, well, maybe Chalice thinks that this is something that would help chip in this moment to be on like the same page he can't quite figure it out but he certainly believes what's happening is is real and then before he can even react he sees you

pop the pin off of chip and in that moment he okay, there was some tomfoolery going on here. And he would go to command Chip, realizes that pin's off, so he doesn't want to do it anymore. He's going to try to fire another pin, this time at Chalice. Oh, does a two hit? No. Okay. So this time he slings, he does a slingshot with another pin in it, and it goes wide. Damn it! Oh, my gosh. It was that intense? Yes, all I saw was Mayor Nays dancing in the wind. Oh, God.

You're up. Kill this kid. A deal. I go and I try and, yeah, I run up to him and I try and axe him. Okay. A 10. You rush up to him and you swing your axe at him, menacingly, like, ready to kill. He can tell that that would have been a death blow.

It misses, but he immediately drops to his knees anyways and surrenders. He does not want to die. Okay. Whoa, whoa, okay. Holy shit, that would have killed me. Yeah, absolutely. And I actually have another attack in my action that I could do right now. Oh my, don't do that.

Unless you tell me what the heck's going on here. Okay, okay, I'll tell you everything. Just put that axe away. Get a slingshot. Don't let him have a slingshot. Okay, beef. Clearly didn't die. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I, give me the slingshot.

Okay, okay, here you go. What's going on, Spence? And where's Beef? I know you know where he is. Where's Linda's cardigan, Spencer? Okay, literally, I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, sure. I don you know where he is. Where's Linda's cardigan, Spencer? Okay, literally, I have no idea what you're talking about. I... Oh, sure!

I don't know. I'll tell you what's going on here, though. As you can tell, we are making pins. I don't know if you put the big plan together or not, but... Why are you working with Mayor Nays? I get what you're doing. You're trying to mind control people to vote for Mayor Nays. I get it. But why are you working with him? Because? I get what you're doing. You're trying to mind control people to vote for Mayor Nays. I get it.

But why are you working with him? Because I don't want you guys to win. But we're fun. We're fun. You ruined my life. Hey, kid, listen to us. We, one time, hosted a pretty sick Sweet 16 for a cool kid, and we crushed it. We will throw a party at Bottoms Up,

invite all the coolest kids in town. You guys can trash the place if you help us sabotage these pins. Sabotage the sabotage. Or Chip will kill you. Okay, okay. Oh my God, okay. All right.

And all I'm asking is for a fair election. We're not even asking you to help us cheat. We just want a fair election. What the fuck happened to you? What did you eat or drink today? I'm scared.

So much integrity. Thank you. Okay, so here is, this is a key to the lift right there. The lift goes to the very top floor of the factory, and that's where the machine is. The machine, the final part of creating these pins is imbuing it with the mind control effect. And that's what happens on the very top floor. Here's the key to the lift. Please don't kill me. You're not messing with us. This isn't a gotcha.

I swear, please. You don't know where beef is. Give me an insight check. Also, we should just bring him with us just in case. We should, like, tie him up or something. That's not a bad idea. 14 for insight. It seems to be telling the truth.

Okay. I agree. Chalice, let's tie him up. Can we tie him up? Yeah. Yeah, you can. I throw him over my shoulder. I go, beef, we're about to finish this thing.

Where are you? No answer right now. Oh, no. I'm offline. I'm offline, bitch. Oh, my gosh. Okay. offline, bitch. Oh my gosh. Okay, well this maybe takes top priority. Beef, you have the faint inkling that you heard Chip kind of calling to you in your head.

I'm gone. I'm gone. I'm dead. I'm dead. Wait, Chip? And you spit up water And come back to consciousness You've been spat out

Out of the washing cycle And now things are starting to really heat up Since you are in the industrial dryer Oh Ouch Chip Beef? Chip

Chip can you hear me? You're alive right? Yeah Okay This isn't a ghost you This is really beef Beef touches himself To make sure this isn't a ghost you this is really beef uh beef uh touches himself to make sure he's not a ghost you're it's not like super hot and you're in hell or anything right oh my god i'm in hell oh no beef that makes sense beef's inalice. No! Don't worry about me.

Go. Save the election. Okay. Well, yeah, if you're in hell, there's not much you could do. Well, when we end up in hell, how about we... God, where should we meet up? Let's meet up... The souvenir shop? I think at the souvenir shop.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Alright. Well, we'll see you there. Souvenir shop in hell. Nice. He heard you can get hockey sticks two for one we put the key in the lift and take it up to the top you ride the lift all the way to the top ding lift doors open like you like those cage doors those open and you are on the top floor it's like a tower within the factory that kind of overlooks a lot of friends from afar. And in the corner is a machine that is blasting magical blasts at one pin at a time. I'd like to try and actually, no, last time I tried to destroy it with my axe, or I tried to do it the smart way, and then I ended up having to destroy it with my axe, and it was a big explosion, and it was a huge mess.

So I'm going to try and do it the smart way this time and destroy this thing. Okay. Can I try that? Yes. As you walk up and you're en route to destroy this thing, you hear a familiar voice from the shadows. I start clapping. Well, look who it is. Oh, you're clapping

for me already. Am I already mayor? Have I already won? Nice try, pal. Okay. But this is going to be a fair election, and that's all I care about. Interesting. Or do you want me to kick you out of this tower like you did my friend who's gone now oh did that kill him no but that's a fair assumption based on what i just said uh do you recognize what i have in my hand you do slice of pizza yeah

slice of pizza the other hand. Never seen that. What is that? And you recognize it as what wizards have. Whenever you've been on like a show that's been broadcast through the Dish Network. He's gonna try to make it seem like it's us. He goes, yeah, this records what I see and we figured out a way to store these.

So how about you politely just drop out of the campaign tomorrow or I release this visual here of you two tampering with a machine of mind control for the election. Well, if you do that, idiot. Also, that pizza smells so good. I would literally kill for a slice of that right now. Please tell me you have more. This is the last slice.

Oh, fuck you. Oh, come on. You're awful. Okay, well, if you do that, then I'm going to waddle around all night long and all day tomorrow and all day the next day and all day the next day and make sure everyone sees this memory

that I'm living right now. Because, yeah, I can do that, dum-dum. All right, well, then I guess we'll have to go with plan B. Plan B was there was a terrible accident here. Your bodies are found in the rubble, along with evidence as to what you were doing. How tragic. Au revoir. He steps back into the elevator in which you came from,

triggers something, and you can tell that this means this place about to blow, probably. This place... It about to do a blow? It about to do a blow. The lift locks, and he disappears out of sight, goes down, and you know that, you guess, with these rumblings that you're feeling, that it's a matter of seconds before this place explodes.

Linda's cardigan. We cut to beef. Beef, you are in. Am I done? You are in the dryer. You have shrunk 12 sides. That's so funny, Elise. Can he have shrunk? sides that's so funny yeah can he have shrunk please give me a constitution check give me a

constitution check 15 and can he be a little pink because he was in there with a red shirt with it was going to be a percentage so 15 out of 20 you are 75% the size you were when you went wow okay what does that mean I'm super tiny so take your height

and multiply it by 0.75. You're a quarter smaller. That's the most confusing way to say it. Yeah, you're a quarter smaller. Sorry about Sean. Jennifer got in his head earlier. That helps me.

Yeah, okay. Everything is a quarter smaller? Not your dick. Not your dick. So if you were four feet tall, you're now three feet tall. And your dick. So if you were four feet tall, you're now three feet tall. And your dick is now 10 inches long. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Jesus. I touched myself. Shit. I'm going to do a perception check to get out of here. Okay. I rolled a 16.

Okay. With a 16, it is tough to see things for sure because you are on tumble dry right now. It is hot as hell and things are flying everywhere. With a 16, you do see what looks to be like a vent, like an air vent out of the drying system to release some of this excess heat. And you are tumbling closer to it. To get to it, you are are going to need to roll for acrobatics yes exactly right let's see what you roll acrobatics to get through this vent a nat 20 holy crap with a nat 20 that means not only are you on a beeline swimming through the air doing somersaults towards the goal with deft precision.

I'm naked too. But as you do, you are naked and you're diving forward. You dive right through a cardigan that belongs to one Linda. No, it can't be that easy. You rolled a nat 20, baby. Yeah, this has been very easy.

Yeah, it can't be that easy. It can't be that easy. You died. You died. You're a foot shorter. You're a foot shorter and you thought you were in hell. I thought I died and went to hell. I died. Easy.

Easy stuff. Wow, Beef. Your perception of things is skewed from my perception of things. Amazing. So, Beef, as you shoot through the vent, some air is pushing you forward uh do you want to just travel to where it's going to take you uh you see a couple different options coming up do you want to stop and take your time to see which one you should do i'll take option one all right option one that is going to blast you up you're just just letting the air shoot and you're riding the

nude lube that you got going on and it rockets you up, up, up. And before you know it, you break through a vent and it's actually nice to be greeted by Chip and Chalice who are staring you dead in the eye. Their eyes look like there's a bit of panic in them.

Oh! I'm not scared! Beef! Beef! Beef, you made it! I'm alive? Beef, we gotta go. We're about to die.

Wait, but look who did it! And I'm doing like turns and showing off my... That's Linda's cardigan? You bee-plotted? Holy shit! I think this place is gonna explode though. Yeah, we'll explain later! Oh god! Can we try to grab Linda on the way out? Because it feels like finding her cardigan will be for nothing Oh, shit. I think this place is going to explode, though. Yeah, we'll explain later. Oh, God. Can we try to grab Linda on the way out?

Because it feels like finding her cardigan will be for nothing if she explodes. Yeah, so I assume we're at the top of this tower. We're going to jump out. Or can we ride the roller coaster back down? If the roller coaster's here, let's ride it back down. Because it's not scary at all. Oh, I messed with the track. Never mind.

Oh, yep. Maybe let's avoid it. I smash a window and I jump out. Anybody coming? Be feather fall. Come on. Okay. I guess we're doing that.

So you all jump out the window? Yeah, we got to. Okay. You are plummeting to your certain death. I use feather fall. You are no longer plummeting to your certain death. Can we swim our way towards the front entrance where Linda is? I don't really care that much about Linda.

We got our cardigan. That's fun enough. It was more about proving a point to Beef. You want the cardigan, Chalice? It's nice. Beef, are you smaller? No. As you guys are about to hit the ground, the entire factory goes quiet for a second.

Oh, no. And then an enormous explosion blows you all back away from the factory. The doobus. Oh, shit. And you are now watching just what was once a factory, just a pile of rubble and uncontrollable flames. I guess Linda was pretty annoying.

Oh my God. How did you survive that? You look and see that all the Doompas who were shackled to that small portion of the assembly line are still, but the entire assembly line part has been taken out through the front door, and they escaped. Once we heard the rumblings, we had to know what to do out of this.

Yeah, y'all should have done that a long time ago. You can just walk out the front door? Yeah, but we don't really know what to do when no one tells us what to do. Hmm. So what should we do? Ooh. Take people to voting booths tomorrow. Yeah, vote for Jennifer tomorrow.

Vote for Jennifer tomorrow. Okay, how do I do that? Like this? Okay, never. I guess never mind. Okay. Bye-bye. Keep the card here, guys. Keep the card. Yeah, go,igan yeah go go go go go go go beef hesitates he takes the cardigan off he holds it a little longer and then he gives it he hands it over to linda you're fucking stole my cardigan and And it itches, bitch.

Oh my god. Okay, we're not working for somebody like you. We're friends. We're friends with our own boss. Maybe Linda's boss. Maybe I'll cut a shot. I feel more like myself with my cardigan broke. I think that's where we left off last time and you guys ended up shackled up, so. Good luck. God bless. Bye. Wow. Gosh.

Yeah, that was crazy. What would you guys get up to? What would you guys get up to? What did we do? I'm mayor now, beef. No. Not yet, Jennifer. Oh my God.

When is it going to be me mayor? So Spencer. So there was a mind control device. Do you remember Spencer from before? Oh yeah. The red rhino saved us. Oh yeah. I guess I wasn't even there for any of that. How do you remember that? Yeah. Because you guys are always telling stories about we were hanging out with the red rhino saved us oh yeah i guess i wasn't even there for any of that how do

you remember that yeah because you guys are always telling stories about we're hanging out with red rhino and i always get so jealous you talk to spencer like you've seen him before well because you guys do such a good job when you tell your stories that i always feel like i know people from your stories i do i am attentive to detail yes yes i've noticed that it's like your friend parker i know i seem like if i saw him on the street i'd probably know exactly who he is you mean parker the cane yes parker the cane you're a good friend yeah and we're just walking back to bottoms up and i'm naked still are you nude and lubed? And shorter, for sure shorter. With a way bigger dick.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Elizabeth and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. So a big, big thank you to patrons like Daddy Robux, Dan Dungus, Dan of Steel, Danny, Danny Annie, Danica, Dankaplan, and many more for making this show possible. But don't let them have all the fun. Join our Patreon now at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D for five buckaroonies and get

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