SitcomD&D - S5 E22: Election Day

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

It's Election Day and the BUGs can't help but wonder if they've done enough to solidify Jennifer as the next mayor of Frence. Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourSt...ory Concept by: Erin Keif & Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. I was in a car with my dad and he's like, yeah, they were up on the rough. It's like, the rough? When he meant roof. And I'm like, you effed me up. You made me a fool. I say us. Like us? Like instead of us, I say us. And I learned that was from my family. Emma pointed it out when we started seeing one another. That's cute.
Starting point is 00:00:40 And I think I say us now. I changed because I felt ashamed. Oh. And that's what being in a relationship is all about. Shame changing. I'm a shame shifter. I mean, my family is Boston trash. I say all sorts of garbage. It's bad.
Starting point is 00:00:54 Garbage. Garbage. I say all sorts of garbage. I can't think of any off the top of my head. Elizabeth, what about you? I don't think I do. I think my family spoke perfect English, I guess. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:01:05 I will say you say English weird. I mean, that was... Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today is no ordinary episode for it is a season finale. Finale. Finale. Who said that?
Starting point is 00:01:37 Me. That was me, Elizabeth. Oh, God. Thank God. And in real season finale fashion, we have got a lot on the line. Today is election day. It is the mayoral election for the town of France. And Bottoms Up's very own Jennifer the Chef is running for mayor. And today it will be decided if she wins. Her toughest competition, who the gang has been going up against, is Mayor Nays,
Starting point is 00:02:07 who, if you recall, has been imposing a lot of what seems like very targeted laws towards the Bugs this season. So it all comes down to today, and we're actually going to pick up in Bottoms Up while the gang is witnessing all the votes come in. There's a bunch of folks at the bar, hopefully ready to celebrate if all goes well and Jennifer wins. They have bottles of champagne waiting to be popped, a bunch of balloons waiting to be released. Chip's old acapella group is there. Yay! That group, again, is called the I Can Tell You What I'm Talking About. Shout out Ben Briggs for naming that. John the Crier's there looking
Starting point is 00:02:49 at a magical map and calling out which neighborhoods are going pink for Jennifer and which ones are going white for Mayor Nays. There's a few Doomba Doompas running around. There's a lot of action and, of course, a lot of tension in the air as they're watching each different neighborhood
Starting point is 00:03:05 fill in on this magical map of France to see who is going to win this election. So that is what we're going to pick up. Let's get quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling dice! Finale, finale, finale. Who said that?
Starting point is 00:03:23 When you need a break from this crazy world To see your friends and fill a cup Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef At the Noble Bottoms Up As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different fabulous on another happy day.
Starting point is 00:03:50 We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Beef, stop putting circles on the corners, okay?
Starting point is 00:04:21 Put it in the middle to start, and then that way you'll be more likely to win this tic-tac-toe game, okay? I do not understand this game! It has to go in the pound symbol. At least put it within one of these nine spaces. This game doesn't make any sense. Beef, Beef, just put a pound symbol right here.
Starting point is 00:04:39 I'll pound my symbol right here if you don't get out of my way. Please don't. There's people around. There's people around. Oh, there's people around. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It's packed in here. It is packed. You guys, I did this entire party by myself. You've been playing
Starting point is 00:04:55 tic-tac-toe for like 18 hours. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Well, actually, it's my birthday. Everyone forgot. Wait for real. Yes, and also, it's my birthday. Everyone forgot. Wait for real. Yes, and also Jennifer's election night. Jennifer, why do you think you're wearing a pantsuit? Oh my God, I totally forgot.
Starting point is 00:05:13 Holy shit, I'm wearing a pantsuit. Did you put pantsuits on all of us? Yes. You guys were so engrossed in this game that Beef hasn't won a single round of. I'm trying to help. Jealous. It wasn't an engrossed game until Beef threatened to pound it. Look around
Starting point is 00:05:28 I've been decorating all day. Okay? I'm stressed out. I'm freaking out. What if Jennifer loses? Oh my god, I'm panicking. On your birthday. It is my birthday. Happy birthday. No, no. I don't care. Okay, everybody it's fine. This is great. It's going great. Party's going well. Everything's
Starting point is 00:05:43 fine. Everything's fine. You have a drumstick in your hair. Party's going well. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. You have a drumstick in your hair. I do? Yeah. The kind that you play drums with or the kind that you eat? Yeah, and not the chicken kind.
Starting point is 00:05:52 It's a melted ice cream. A third option? There's ice cream melting in your hair right now, Chalice. Of course it is. Okay, Chip, I think you'd be happy to know
Starting point is 00:06:04 I could tell you what I'm, I could tell you what I'm thinking. I could tell you what I'm talking about. Are you kidding me, Chalice. Of course it is. Okay. Chip, I think you'd be happy to know. I could tell you what I'm thinking. I could tell you what I'm talking about. Are you kidding me, Chalice? Jennifer, we should go. Yeah, they're here. They're here? Yes, they're singing on stage right now. I got to go talk to them.
Starting point is 00:06:16 No, please don't make a scene, Chip. Chalice, I never got a chance to tell them off because all they did was lock the room door and they put a note on the front of it. So they didn't even tell me that I got kicked out. And what did the note say? It said, listen, Chip. It was gentle. Listen, Chip.
Starting point is 00:06:34 We know that you were... Listen. Hey, first of all, just a heads up. Sorry, pal. Sounds like a voice to quill kind of message message Yeah, exactly Basically, it was just summarizing how the fact that I was baritone But they mostly just needed basses or tenors
Starting point is 00:06:51 And I said, I can write a fifth part in there if you need me to I'm pretty good at arranging And they said, sorry The note said, sorry I tried to talk to it and it responded back saying, sorry, bye Yeah, I don't know if you should go over there Yeah, I wouldn't go over there Okay, okay, okay Good't know if you should go over there Yeah, I wouldn't go over there Okay, okay, okay
Starting point is 00:07:07 Good to know Might come up though Hear ye, hear ye Oh my god Oh no, another neighborhood just went to mayor nays Oh Boo Boo
Starting point is 00:07:19 Thank you, John the Crier This is your fault Oh my god, I'm just literally telling you what's happening. It's your fault. You kiss your mother with that mouth? Yes. Ew, you kiss your mother on the lips? On the lips?
Starting point is 00:07:33 Where else would I kiss her grossos? On the forehead like a respectable man. Now pull your pants up. Guys, I'm just like starting to think that like, I don't know. Did we do everything we could for this election? I mean, I feel like we did our parts. We stopped the bad guys last episode. I mean, so now it's a fair election.
Starting point is 00:07:56 We got our badges, right? Yeah, that's right. We got our badges. We got five out of nine of those. I let everyone call me the campaign grandma. I feel like that was a huge sacrifice That was big, yeah I feel like you were begging for it
Starting point is 00:08:10 What the, no I thought you loved it Oh my god, total misread on that This is just a vibe that I get That there's only a few neighborhoods left And that as I reflect Upon if we did everything we could, maybe we would see how that went for that category. And then it would correspond with if that neighborhood
Starting point is 00:08:34 actually votes for Jennifer or May or Nays. That's just a feeling that I have. Jennifer, incredible exposition assist. Wow. That will be on your stats. And let us take that volleyball and I'm going to put an O right here. Okay, Beef's still confused. I can't believe how many hours you've been playing this and how he's lost every single game.
Starting point is 00:08:57 It can't even be fun for you anymore, Chip. I love winning this much. I gotta admit. Even when I'm trying to lose, I still win. It feels good. And I'm okay losing all the time. Yeah, every time he when I'm trying to lose, I still win. It feels good. And I'm okay losing all the time. Yeah, every time he loses, I give him a kiss on the forehead.
Starting point is 00:09:10 So it's nice. Where it's supposed to go, John the Crier. Okay, hear ye, hear ye. The next neighborhood that will be called is Smallville. Okay, okay. Did we determine our target voters well? You're asking this now? Yes, and we can maybe see it and reflect upon it.
Starting point is 00:09:33 And if we did, it would go. If we didn't, it would go to mayonnaise, maybe, is my feeling. Yeah, I think we covered Smallville. I think we figured out who exactly we needed to get so that they would vote for Jenna. We knocked on every door there. I mean, I remember the, I remember we did really good. Right, Chellis?
Starting point is 00:09:53 We did really, really good, right? Um, yeah. Oh my God. Maybe we just stick to rodents and birds and small creatures and check to see if they have votes. Woodland creatures. Woodland creatures would love to. And in Smallville, isn't it all just a bunch of small creatures? Yes.
Starting point is 00:10:14 Oh, it's so cute here. Yes. It's adorable. It's so cute. You guys, it actually can be really, really dangerous if a princess sings a little like, because then they all come running out and you can die in a stampede. It actually can be really, really dangerous if a princess sings a little like, ah, because then they all come running out and you can die in a stampede. Like people die in this neighborhood all the time from being stomped to death when a princess
Starting point is 00:10:32 sings. Okay, Chels, give me a performance check because you gave a little, ah, when explaining it. And I just want to see if you had the control to do that quiet or if you didn't do it quiet enough. Okay. I rolled a four plus three. A seven. Yeah, that caught the wind,
Starting point is 00:10:51 the way a whistle and a melody catches the wind in a place like Smallville when a princess sings and a bombardment of small animals sprint, fly, scurry up and around Chalice and start changing Chalice's clothes. But it is a frenzy. Right before it happens, they all start moving in slow motion and Chalice yells for them to run, Beef and Chip,
Starting point is 00:11:18 to run in slow motion while Ave Maria plays. Yes. In slow motion, Chip is trying to just pin a bunch of Jennifer pins all over the small wooden creatures. Okay, give me a dexterity check, Chip, to see if you can grab these small creatures. And a box. Okay, you pin one through its back leg in a way that looks really painful. Oh, vote for Jennifer.
Starting point is 00:11:47 Oh, that was Oh, sorry, Chalice. That was Chalice's leg actually that you picked. Oh my god. Chalice, vote for Jennifer. Shoe, shoe. They're sewing me into the dress. That was scary. That was really scary. Get out of here. Shoe, you. Get out. Get out.
Starting point is 00:12:01 Oh my god. The scout is gorgeous. They put it together so fast. It's absolutely stunning. Immaculate. Oh my God, I can't believe that just happened. That was awful. I forgot how scary that is.
Starting point is 00:12:16 Yeah, it kind of looked awesome, to be honest. Beef, try it. You could sing. Give it a shot. Okay, I'm not a princess, but here goes everything. Beef, to me you are. Thanks, man. Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me. Does it work?
Starting point is 00:12:37 Yeah, did it work? Let's see. Give me a performance check. Somebody. I got a 12. Okay, with a 12. Don't you have like a plus 10 in performance? I do. I got two 12 Okay with a 12 Don't you have like a plus 10 in performance? I do I got two With a 12
Starting point is 00:12:50 I will say no rodents That encircle chalice Come out of the woodwork in the woods How about if a fat skunk Comes crawling over It's actually hundreds of smaller Probably 6 inches tall But rubinesque and green.
Starting point is 00:13:08 They almost look like goblins, but they're not shaped like goblins. They're wearing like almost like kilt like pants and a belt. And they have like green ears that almost look like suction cups. Like little Shreks. They come screaming out of the woodwork analogs at you. Oh my God. And I'm like, mother's here, mother's here. And you recognize that the woodland creatures
Starting point is 00:13:33 probably aren't the voting citizens at this place, but these most likely are, and you have their attention. Oh. Oh. You sang your national anthem, so what will it be that you need from us? Wow, your national anthem is somebody wants Tony. What else would it be?
Starting point is 00:13:50 Exactly. No, I hear you guys. I'm on the same page as you. Hey, guys. Well, we're actually here for a certain reason. We are gathering votes for Jennifer. Could you step forward here, please? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:05 To elect this little rodent as the next mayor. Right? All right. What does it have to do with us? This is my favorite character voice you've ever done. I can't believe we ever heard this one. Yeah, it's awesome. It's perfect.
Starting point is 00:14:23 What does that have to do with you? Sex is back on the menu, boys. Well, sex is back on the menu, boys. You hear some excited muttering amongst the crowd of these little Shrek-like people. Yes, yes, yes. And the old mayor, he was always making these laws that really were taking all the joy out of living. Yeah, and he's so much bigger than you. Now you can have a mayor that's your size.
Starting point is 00:14:49 Oh, well, like that, that's not bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? What do you call yourselves? What do you guys call yourselves? Funyuns. That's surprising to me. Funyuns, huh? I thought you were going to be like Shreckles or something like that.
Starting point is 00:15:09 No, because we're like tiny onions. Oh. Because ogres are like onions and you're like ogres. And we're fun. And you're fun. We're fun size. There's a lot of math in that. Well, there's a lot of layers.
Starting point is 00:15:21 Yeah, that's true. Wow. Beef, do you have anything else you'd like to add or would you like to roll for persuasion now? No, I don't. I'd like to roll for persuasion. All right. Let's go, Beef.
Starting point is 00:15:35 Both. Okay, that's a good roll. 14 plus 7. Oh, 21. 21, you hear some excited muttering between the Funyuns, and they look back up at you. Here he is, Smallville goes to Jennifer! We did it!
Starting point is 00:15:57 We did do it! Oh, my God. Chalice has, like, a flashback to being dressed in that gown, though, and she gets goosebumps and, like, a shiver runs down her spine. Okay. It was worth it. It was worth it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:10 We look over and all the Funyuns are dancing in the corner. Yes. Funyuns. We're so glad you could make it. As the acapella group sings. All Star. Hey now, you're a rock song. Get your game on.
Starting point is 00:16:23 Go play. I could have sang that part. I know. That's in my range, hon. I know, babe. I know. I know. Also, I could have been the beatbox.
Starting point is 00:16:33 This is what I'm saying. Beatbox is rangeless. Yeah. But they left a really conversational note on the door. I know. It was like the lake house. Okay. But we can't get
Starting point is 00:16:45 too comfortable, everybody, because hear ye, hear ye. Sh**'s Creek is up next, and that's a decent-sized neighborhood. A lot of votes there, so... You can just say what it is. It's the smelliest neighborhood we all know. It's stinky,
Starting point is 00:17:02 but we need those votes right now, so I wouldn't be, you know, throwing any pejoratives at him. You know, I'll throw a pejorative right at you. You pejorative. Put it away, Beef. He puts away his pejorative. Put it away, Beef. Put it away.
Starting point is 00:17:21 Put it in its holster. Okay. I'm putting my pejorative away, but that was a close one. Holy freaking shits creek, you guys. I don't really remember that neighborhood. Did we do a good job there? I really can't remember. I mean, we canvassed a lot there.
Starting point is 00:17:38 We knocked on lots of doors. Yeah. But we'd say stuff like, oh, Jesus, what's that smell? And I got stuck in that mud pit. Oh, that's right. Not sure it was mud. This is sh**! Beef, get out!
Starting point is 00:17:51 Beef, get out! Lose the boots! We don't need the boots! We will buy you new boots! At Party City? Are you backstroking? Beef, if you're having fun, we're leaving. Pardon me.
Starting point is 00:18:04 What are you doing flailing in our sacred shit creek? Oh, I didn't know it was sacred. I'm so sorry. I'm getting out. Beef, that's offensive. Are you mocking me? No, his mouth is filled with crap.
Starting point is 00:18:19 It really is. It's shit, sir. Oh, wait, there's a difference here? There is. It's shit, sir. Oh, wait. There's a difference here? There is. It's a communal shit pile. Everyone eats together, and we all defecate together the full cycle. And if you need to, you can skip ahead five minutes. I'm sure we'll be done with this.
Starting point is 00:18:40 There's going to be a lot of this for the next couple minutes. Yeah, so we get it. It won't hurt our feelings if you need to sort of take a second do not shy away from this image for it is sacred to us well that's kind that's nice right everybody it's great we love it we all have clothespins on our nose what brings you outsiders to the neighborhood of schitt's Creek. We bring a message. From the king? No. Beef. Beef, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:19:11 Beef, what? Beef, what is this? It's the opposite of that. We hate the king. That wasn't the plan. What was the plan? Fine. I got crap in my mouth. What else am I supposed to say? We are here. We are here on behalf of Jennifer the Rat's mayoral campaign. And we were wondering if you want to vote for Jennifer.
Starting point is 00:19:31 Hmm, I've heard tale of this rat. Ah, tale, like Jennifer's. Mayonnaise has been good to Schitt's Creek for some time. In fact, he's passing laws that i think are long overdue no more frivolous sexual activity no more loud cacophonous music filling the streets unnecessarily what is this place fancy people with a pile who hate sex we're like looking around and we're like seeing like... This might be a lost cause. Yeah, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:20:08 I'm ready to give up, fellas. There's like a guy sitting alone at a picnic table. Just like, oh yeah, this place is depressing. That's why we never come here. Yeah. Well, you know, marinade's not that bad of a guy, I guess. Guys, we gotta get out of here. Maybe just give up.
Starting point is 00:20:26 We have to leave. I don't like sex. As fast as we can. Yeah, we gotta do it. I don't even know how. Let's try a couple. Let's lie. Yeah, let's do a lie.
Starting point is 00:20:32 Yeah, the king sent us. See? We were sent with a message from the king. Yes, the king sent us your way. He now says that the most boring, most uptight candidate is Jennifer the rat.
Starting point is 00:20:49 Who the f*** said that? That's the most accurate thing. Chalice puts her full fist into Jennifer's mouth. Okay, one of you give me a deception check with disadvantage. Since you lied to begin with, changed it and now are changing it back.
Starting point is 00:21:05 Beef, this is your lie. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. 18. And that's on your worst roll? Yeah, because the next roll was better. Oh, mama. Jennifer, the rat is more boring.
Starting point is 00:21:21 I thought her campaign slogan was sexist back on the menu, boys. Ironically. It's sarcastic. Yeah, it's sarcastic. It's dripping in sarcasm, darling. Okay, now Chalice, give me a deception check. What? Why? Because that's a lie.
Starting point is 00:21:38 And do I have a disadvantage or advantage? Neither. Oh, well, good thing it was 17 plus 6 and it's a 23. Ironic. Most campaign slogans aren't ironic. I just had never. That is pretty savvy, I guess.
Starting point is 00:21:53 That's right, Jennifer. You hate sex, right? Yeah. Psych. I f***ing love it. Other bit of irony. More irony. More irony and sarcasm. She's bad love it. Other bit of irony. More irony. More irony and sarcasm.
Starting point is 00:22:07 She's bad at it. I guess. I love sex. Don't want to have sex with you. You're like a shit boring guy who has big eyes. Chalice throws Jennifer into the shit pile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair.
Starting point is 00:22:18 You've thrown someone else into our sacred shit pile. I told you that was sacred. Oh, that's right. You didn't want that. Um, well. No, be gone. We've heard enough of your confusing,
Starting point is 00:22:30 ironic campaign. Be gone with you. We wouldn't want the likes of you in Schitt's Creek. You don't even vote for Jennifer. Don't even consider
Starting point is 00:22:38 it as an option. Yeah, and we're leaving ironically. Uh-huh. It's sarcastic leaving. Someone pick me up! No. No.
Starting point is 00:22:47 We will see you at home. Hear ye, hear ye. Oh, God. Sh** Creek has gone to mayonnaise. That's fine. Although this reminds me. Chip, honey, you voted today, right? All season you've been talking about how arrogant you are and that you don't need...
Starting point is 00:23:03 Why are you shaking your head? I don't need to vote. Why are you... Run. Run to the polling booth right now before it closes. I'm so confident that I don't even need to vote. I've been saying this all season. I will freak out if Jennifer loses by one vote. That will be on you.
Starting point is 00:23:18 Chip. And I will own that. Chip. Chip. But if you make me go to the booth, I will just stand there. Chip. Chip. I swear to God. I swear to God I'll just stand there. I won't do anything. Is this that like integrity stuff you were talking about earlier? I don't know. I kind of just put my foot down at one point and now I have to stick with it, Jennifer.
Starting point is 00:23:33 I really wanted to vote for you. That is so you, dude. Thank you. Thank you. I'm in too deep. Okay. Well, we got to keep our eye on the prize. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:23:41 That one just turned white on the map here for Mayor Nays. Okay. Looks like the next neighborhood up is the Good Place. Oh, yeah. Well, they love us there, right? Wait a minute. I'm noticing what's going on here. What's going on here? Nothing. They must have said their
Starting point is 00:23:59 place is from real TV shows. The Good Place? Man! We had a time there. We had an absolute blast. It was like party central. I can't remember if it was a good experience or a bad one. Oh, God. It went a little something like this.
Starting point is 00:24:18 Beef's hammering into the side of a shop, a flyer. Vote for Jennifer Mayer flyerer. Vote for Jennifer Mayer. Flyer. Just vote for Jennifer Mayer. Yeah. Yes. Oh, Jennifer Mayer. I don't know if I'm familiar with that candidate.
Starting point is 00:24:37 Oh, that's not her last name. She does have a last name. I don't even remember. Oh, my God. Does Jennifer have a last name? Oh, my God. I think she does. Yes. Is it The Rat? You guys, you know my a last name? Oh my God. I think she does. Yes. Is it The Rat?
Starting point is 00:24:47 You guys, you know my last name. Yeah, we know it. The Chef. It's Mr. Chef? The Rat. No, you're saying it. You already said it. The Rat?
Starting point is 00:24:56 No. Fur? It's Fur. Oh. Your name is not Jennifer Fur. No, my first name is Jenna. No. No.
Starting point is 00:25:04 No. No. No. No is Jenna. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Starting point is 00:25:10 No. Absolutely not. Jennifer. It's spelled Jenna, J-E-N-N-A, and then space F-U-R. And we've been calling you by first and last names. Yes, this whole time. You didn't think that was weird? I thought it was cool.
Starting point is 00:25:22 Beef rams his head into the side of a wall. Yeah. Well, Jennifer his head into the side of a wall. Yeah. Well, Jennifer, look at the sign. The sign that we wrote says J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R. Yeah, who's that? That's you! It's you! That's you!
Starting point is 00:25:35 Woo-hoo! Yes! This is worse than Chip's real name reveal. This is devastating. I gotta go drink. Yeah, we gotta go drink. Where's the bar here? I need to be drunk right now.
Starting point is 00:25:44 Oh, and the good place, there are no bars. Except, of course, candy bars. But you have to earn six good person ticket tokens to get yourself a treat. I like your vest. I like your shoes. I like your little hat. I like your eye color. I like your wife.
Starting point is 00:26:01 And I like your teeth. Okay, okay. I think that's six. Chalice takes off running to the candy store. I like your toes. I like your teeth. Okay, okay. I think that's six. Chalice takes off running to the candy store. I like your toes. I like your fingers. I like your mouth. I like your face. I like your butt.
Starting point is 00:26:10 I like your tits. I like your butt hole. Nope. Okay. Hold on. What? Whoa. Which one?
Starting point is 00:26:16 That was sexually aggressive. Huh? Minus two ticket tokens. Okay. I still got four. And you're flatulent? This isn't Schitt's Creek, mister. He waddles off too quick
Starting point is 00:26:27 to follow Chalice. Um, hi, I'm Chip. It's nice to meet you. Would you like to grab a coffee? Um, I'm kind of busy right now. Oh, okay. I was trying to be nice. Um... Chalice storms out of the
Starting point is 00:26:43 candy store. And Jennifer, Jenna, I guess. Another thing. Do you have a middle name? Yes. What is it? If it's uh. Eh. Eh.
Starting point is 00:26:53 No. No. No. Uh. No. My middle name's Axe Wound. What? Axe Wound?
Starting point is 00:27:01 No. That's worse than uh. Jenna Axe Wound Fur? Yeah. Jenna Axe Wound.. That's worse than, ugh. Jenna Axe wound fur? Yeah. Oh, my God. Beef rams his head into the side of another wall. Yeah. It sucks.
Starting point is 00:27:14 I swore you had a whole family and you had a different last name that wasn't fur. But maybe you changed it. I'm so upset. Oh, I'm sorry, Chalice. Hey, hey, lady. My friend's having a bad day and I'd like to do something nice for her. Can I please have a couple tickets, please? Oh, that's one nice thing.
Starting point is 00:27:33 Okay, there's a ticket. Give me 10 more. Give me that roll ticket, or I'll hurt you. What the hell? Oh, yeah. Can I use intimidation? Yeah, roll for intimidation. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:44 Chip, you roll first. Yeah, you got it. I think we've lost the plot a little here, yeah. Can I use intimidation? Yeah, roll for intimidation. Yeah, yeah. Chip, you roll first. Yeah, you got it. I think we've lost the plot a little here, gang. I think we forgot what our objective is. I botched. Oh, Jesus. I did two rolls, and they both been botches. Good place guards!
Starting point is 00:27:58 Good place guards! Oh, no. These outsiders are trying to intimidate me! They're threatening me! And she runs off, and then a bunch of guards and some interested people on the street are just making sure everything's okay and walk over, and you guys are kind of surrounded by a big group of people now.
Starting point is 00:28:12 Oh. Holy. Um. Uh, wow. That was a publicity stunt. Yes. To get people's eyes on what could happen if Jen... Jesus.
Starting point is 00:28:24 If Jen Axe Wound Fur does not become mayor. This kind of debauchery will be everywhere, and your good place streets will not be safe anymore. Thank you for watching our show. Hey, that's the rat on all the billboards that have gone up around town. Exactly. Exactly. Wait, what do those billboards say again? They say, vote for Jennifer Mayer.
Starting point is 00:28:48 If you're reading this, you're too close. Live, laugh, vote. Loose lips, shink, vote for Jennifer. Oh, loose lips, shink, vote for Jennifer. That was my favorite. All right, roll for, let's say, wisdom to see if you could get through to people in these mottos of the billboards and the flyers and the campaign ads you placed around the good place. I just rolled a 19. With a 19, you realize that as people are looking at you,
Starting point is 00:29:22 your marketing material has really been resonating. Your guy's stuff is really cool. That rat is running for mayor. And they're going to undo all those unfair rules that Mayor Nays has been passing. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:29:37 This guy. What's your name, guy? Stupel. Stupel. Don't, Chip. Don't make fun of him. I'm trying so hard Look at him
Starting point is 00:29:45 Clenching my fists As tight as possible And he's clenching His cheeks too I'm clenching My little butt cheeks Stupal He is a man of the people
Starting point is 00:29:55 And he understands And I don't know What he's like In your guys town But to me He's a hero He's a hero here too Oh well
Starting point is 00:30:03 There you go Stupal Jennifer Stupal Jennifer To me, he's a hero. He's a hero here, too. Oh, well, there you go. Stoople, Jennifer. Stoople, Jennifer. Jennifer. Stoople. Jen-axe wound. Hear ye, hear ye. Oh, God, it's turning a color.
Starting point is 00:30:17 It's pink. The good place went for Jennifer. We did it. Oh. We did it. Jennifer, this is maybe going to happen. Oh my God. Guys, this is good.
Starting point is 00:30:28 We're going to be able to get rid of these laws? Have sex all over the place? We're going to know someone famous. Get to know somebody famous finally. Sitcom D&D
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Starting point is 00:31:48 to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Oh, the good place going to Jennifer definitely helps. Guys, there's only one neighborhood left, but things are looking pretty good for our gal Jennifer. Okay. What if you guys give me a perception check real quick? I can do it.
Starting point is 00:32:12 Okay. And I won't botch, I promise. Please. I rolled a four. Okay. With a four, you didn't notice that while you guys were getting excited about like, oh my gosh Jennifer
Starting point is 00:32:25 looks like she's gonna win Jennifer actually has walked off you didn't read her emotions at the time but now you see that she's like in the corner
Starting point is 00:32:33 kind of walked off in like almost like a stupor oh like stupor do you think that falling in that shit pile
Starting point is 00:32:41 finally caught up to her is she okay no I think I think she's realizing that She's about to become mayor Alright, let's go talk to her Okay Hi, Jenna Hey, Jenna
Starting point is 00:32:56 How's it going, Jenna? Um, hi Hi How you feeling? I'm mayor, maybe. Yeah. And you're happy. I'm happy.
Starting point is 00:33:10 We've been working on this all season. Being a mayor is a good thing because when you're mayor, you... I don't know. I don't even know what a mayor does. We know. We're aware. Everyone knows about it. And they'll know that i am and then i don't know what i even am then hey hey that's fine who cares yeah plenty of people vote for somebody that is so incapable of running for office happens all the time the time. Happens all the time.
Starting point is 00:33:46 And Jennifer, I wish I could just go like this with a magic wand and show you how easy it's going to be. All we got to do is not be as bad as the current guy. And as Chalice says, I wish we could show you how easy it would be. Someone at the bar turns around in their bar stool
Starting point is 00:34:01 and this person looks like if Rick Moranis hadn't slept in weeks and was wearing Mickey Mouse's Fantasia getup. He should be dead. I watched him die at my own hand. We murdered him twice. Who is this guy?
Starting point is 00:34:14 Did someone say they want to get small? Oh, it's this guy. No. Wait, no, no. Oh. He didn't. Well, do you want to switch bodies? No, we did that before, no. Oh. We didn't. Well, do you want to switch bodies? No, we did that before, too.
Starting point is 00:34:29 Chalice, I would do it again if you want to do it. Okay, let's make sure we can have sex before we do it. That's a good point. That's a good point. Not right now. Not right now. Oh. Well.
Starting point is 00:34:39 Did someone say they wanted to see a future in which Jennifer won the election? Oh. Yes. Oh, yeah, could we? Yeah, we did say that. Yeah, Jennifer, we could show you that everything's going to be okay. Okay. It's all going to be okay.
Starting point is 00:34:53 Okay. Well, then let me bring your attention to this magical device that will probably blow your minds. It's no ordinary pot of gold. It's a hypothetical pot of gold. It's a hypothetical. Seen it? What, really? Yeah, you didn't invent this.
Starting point is 00:35:15 Yeah, Chip killed me in one of the things we hypothetically saw. I didn't mean to. I said I loved you during it, too. Yeah. Yeah, that was the first time that you guys said I love you to each other. Shut up. You were beating your asses. No, no. That wasn't us. That was just a fake us that was just a fake thing but but it could be real and that's and that's and i love you right yeah i love you too so jennifer why don't you step up to the pot of gold
Starting point is 00:35:39 and ask it your question um okay um uh. Um... Uh, hypothetical. Jennifer, don't get in. You don't have to get in the pot. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, I forget all the time. It looks so warm in there. You can't be sure, but you feel like you hear the faintest scream and agony of a very small Irish person
Starting point is 00:35:59 in the abyss. He's the size of a molecule. Um, hypothetical. Hypoth hypothetical, what would it be like if I won the election? And the hypothetical swirls and turns into a vision in which anyone peering into it could see an experience. And you were looking at what seems to be Jennifer behind a large oak desk, almost buried in mounds and mounds of scrolls and paperwork and large textbooks. As she removes the spectacles from her tip of her nose and rubs her eyes, you can tell that she looks at least a few years older. As she lets out a long sigh, she gazes out the window and just looks out into France a little bit forlornly. Can we be outside the window
Starting point is 00:36:53 in the yard playing Ring Around the Rosie? Yeah, yeah. And she just sighs. They all fall down. Oh, my God. Keep it down, you f**ks. Jennifer, get out here and play. We've been playing for 17 hours and Beef hasn't won once. I love it. If I'm going to be mayor, I need to learn how to read. Beef has gone this long without learning. You'll be okay.
Starting point is 00:37:24 Are you sure? Beef, are you okay? And his eyes are cross-eyed looking at him. And his hair is wild. See? Roll a persuasion check, Chip. Okay. Six.
Starting point is 00:37:39 Not doable. Dang, man. I can't take a break. There's too many mayoral responsibilities. I'm going to just cower under my desk, I think. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jenna used to be so much more fun before she turned mayor. Here, come on, guys.
Starting point is 00:37:58 Chalice leads them up the stairs, and they spend the rest of the night pouring over papers and actually getting mayoral work done with Jennifer. And then Jennifer falls asleep on their desk. They tuck her in. You like actually pass some like really important legislature. That really helps like the underdogs living in Frayser. Like it's going to make a huge difference.
Starting point is 00:38:18 Huge bills getting passed. It starts like a little montage where it shows like beef whipping votes. It starts like a little montage where it shows like beef whipping votes, like going around to different senators and like different people in the political system and making sure that they all like pass Jennifer's laws and feel heard. Yeah. Handshakes all around. It shows them at Chip's graduation from night school and Jennifer's pinning the night thing on him. And she's misty eyed and she just looks so proud and wipes like a big tear from her face as she does it. Chip's bawling.
Starting point is 00:38:51 Chip's absolutely bawling. Chip has to kneel so low in order to get knighted by Jennifer that he's basically planking. I'm laying prone. And Jennifer, remember when you almost screwed this up for him? I do not. Okay.
Starting point is 00:39:07 You took a test. Yeah, you guys all almost messed it up for me. And I think beef saved the day to my recollection. So thank you. Thank you for that. I don't know if I'm supposed to give a speech right now. I know there's a line of about 600 graduates behind me, but I'll take a little sec for a speech. Speech!
Starting point is 00:39:22 Thank you. I know that a lot of people have been waiting a long time for this. I know I've been waiting since I killed my best friend. And I know my friends, who I told that this was going to be a four-year program, kept bothering me and said that it's not happening fast enough. It took forever! It took the time that it should take. But thank you.
Starting point is 00:39:41 Thank you for coming and supporting me and Beef. I wasn't sure whether or not the party here was going to have a cake. So I brought my own. I baked you a little cake. Oh, I brought you one too. Oh, my God. You brought me one and I brought one for me. I love you.
Starting point is 00:39:58 I love you too. It shows Jennifer cutting the ribbon at this place that Chalice has set up for girls who run away from home. Some princesses, some people in different circumstances. And Jennifer's sponsored to help make sure they have a safe place to stay. Wow. You also see Jennifer at a soup kitchen teaching everyone the recipe for horn. Jennifer is in the middle of a press conference, and Chip and Chalice go and stand in the back,
Starting point is 00:40:29 and they're wearing, like, little press outfits, and they go, uh, Mayor Jenna Hexwoundfur, um, question from the Chalice Times. How would you feel becoming an aunt? Wait, what? Wait, what? Wait, what? Are you what? Wait, what? Are you freaking serious?
Starting point is 00:40:47 Chalice, I told you she wasn't going to get it. No, I think she's getting it. Oh, my God. Yes, I would love to be even smaller than I am down with six arms and 40 times this strength.
Starting point is 00:40:57 Oh, she's going to be so disappointed. I'm pregnant. Chalice is pregnant, but for real this time. Oh, my God, Chalice! And Jennifer explodes off the podium. And she does the Notting Hill thing where she gives up in the press conference
Starting point is 00:41:11 and goes through all the people and then goes and hugs you guys. And by the time she gets to us, Magical Moranis had turned her into an ant. Beef is chasing Chip and Chalice's kid around Jennifer's office while they are continuing to pass more very meaningful laws. Oh, wow, you really did have a kid. Beef, it's been like eight years. Why do you keep saying that? Wow, this kid's yours, huh?
Starting point is 00:41:37 Yeah, Beef. You're the godfather. And you've really taken that role to heart, I noticed. Yeah, you come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding. It shows Jennifer with her secret service. She's still an aunt. She's been an aunt for a long time. With Beef, Chip, and Chalice, and they're dropping their kid off at college.
Starting point is 00:41:58 And Chalice is consoling a sobbing Beef who's sad to see their kid go off to school. He really was your kid. Yeah. He really was your kid this whole time not anymore now he's our now he's our big boy now he's a big boy so big who let you get that big who let you get that big uncle beef's cut it out you can go you can go you can go okay thanks guys you're embarrassing me a little bit. I love you. We love you. Give your Uncle Beef a kiss on the lips.
Starting point is 00:42:29 Come here. Honey, you don't have to do that. You always said that that was weird. I'm doing a forehead kiss. Yeah, there you go. All right. Hello. My name is Chalice Glass.
Starting point is 00:42:37 It is an honor to honor our mayor, Jennifer the Aunt, on her 50th anniversary of being the mayor. I got to be honest with you. Jennifer was a liability when she was a chef working at Bottoms Up, the now defunct bar that got shut down due to several health concerns. But as mayor, she's made so much positive change in this town. And I know I speak for all of us when I say we're really proud of you, Jennifer. Here's to another 50 years. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:43:11 Thank you, Chels. Um, my first became mayor. I didn't know what that meant or what I was supposed to do. Cut to 50 years later and I can stand before you and say confidently, I still do not. But I did do one thing right, and that was surround myself with really smart, capable people who I care about very dearly. So thank you to my best friends. Here's to another 50 years. How old am I going to be when I die? I have no clue. We're all waiting. We have a Deadpool going for you. That is crazy. It's nuts. They cut to Jennifer's funeral,
Starting point is 00:43:59 and there's a picture of her as a rat and as an ant on either side of her very, very tiny little coffin. And then an ant with a rat's body. Yeah. Just in case. Beef, would you like to sing something or say something? Yeah, yeah. Beef takes the podium. Beef, you have to, yeah, put it down.
Starting point is 00:44:19 You're not allowed to take that. Well, that's a rental, Beef. Beef, don't take the podium. He sets it down. He steps to the take the podium. He sits it down. He steps to the side of it. He looks at it. He side-eyes it. I'm definitely taking that later.
Starting point is 00:44:31 He wants to touch it again. I'm taking that later. Okay, okay. He takes out a harmonica. Somebody once told me the wild was gonna roll me I hate the sharpest tool in the Chalice sheds a tear
Starting point is 00:44:49 And puts her head on Chip's shoulder And squeezes his hand What's everybody crying for? And you realize that that came from The podium itself? What? Yeah, yeah, I soul transferred myself From my little body into the podium.
Starting point is 00:45:07 Now that's something I can do. They all start just walking away. Immediately, no response. Wait, I can't move though. I'm glad you guys told me not to move that. Yeah, yeah, I'm really humble now, yeah. Chalice is like laughing with them, and then she sort of like looks tired for a second and collapses.
Starting point is 00:45:27 Huh? Beef, this is real. Chalice? Chalice. And we cut to Chalice's funeral. Huh? Beef, stop saying huh. Our best friend just died and you keep just saying huh.
Starting point is 00:45:43 You need to internalize what just happened. Chalice is gone. Grief says, huh? There's a little letter that Chalice left them on her coffin. What'd she say? Hey, Chip and Beef. That's us. She left out Podium.
Starting point is 00:45:59 All I wanted to say was that if you're reading this, I'm definitely dead. And I wanted you to know that you too, and Podium, and Seb made my life worth living. I'm dying with so much peace because I got a lot of good loving. Oh, also my son. I definitely want to include my son in this as well. I'm so sorry, honey. I love you so much. I love you all very much. And I don't want you to be sad at all. My life was perfect. I feel like Jennifer becoming mayor. Everything from that moment on, I loved every second of it. Love you all forever.
Starting point is 00:46:31 Jealous. Beef, do you get what's happening now? She's gone. Yeah. Yeah, she's gone. And she forgot she had a son. Yeah, she also left off all of the grandkids. Yeah. P.S.
Starting point is 00:46:46 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The grandkids. I'm leaving you a bunch of money. I'm so sorry. I hope you find some humor in the fact that I forgot. I'm so sorry. Chalice had a bunch of money?
Starting point is 00:46:55 I wish you would have told me. Yeah, what the hell? Like, all of our life was struggling to get money. P.P.S. This letter's following lake house rules. Chip. Oh, yeah. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:47:07 Don't read this. Okay. But Beef's like side-eyeing it. Beef. It's a bunch of super sexual stuff. And then it says, You're the love of my life. And all the money is hidden under Beef's bed.
Starting point is 00:47:20 Oh. I love you. Love you too, letter. Chalice. It's so lumpy so beef it's either you or me to die?
Starting point is 00:47:31 yeah it's either you or me pal oh well you want to notebook it? die together? yeah sure yeah cause I don't think I could do it by myself I don't think I could be hanging out thinking about you guys
Starting point is 00:47:43 playing up there in heaven without me I hate that no no beef beef don't worry don't think I would be hanging out, thinking about you guys, playing up there in heaven without me. I hate that. No, Beef, Beef, don't worry. Don't worry. We'll do it together. PPPS. Oh, my God. I just realized that you and Beef might notebook together.
Starting point is 00:47:55 I'm so jealous. What the heck, man? You see Chip and Beef every night for the next couple of years laying each other arm just waiting to die. Oh, my God. And every morning they wake up and they're like again sorry coffee tea both all right until one day until one day they're dreaming and in their dream they walk up to each other outside a sandwich shop. And they say, hey.
Starting point is 00:48:29 Holy shit, have we been sharing dreams this whole time? Like Seb and Chalice used to? Whoa. Whoa. I remember you said we would always meet at the sandwich shop. That is what I said. Oh, I think it happened. So that must mean we're in heaven, because I think if we met in hell, we would be at the souvenir shop.
Starting point is 00:48:46 So that's good. That's a good situation. And they turn and they see Chalice running up to them in her wedding dress. And she gives them the biggest hug. And they see a podium way off in the distance. We say, go back to Earth. You don't die now. You can't die. Hey, Beef, you're actually pre-banned in the party city in heaven, too. They wanted me to tell you right away.
Starting point is 00:49:06 Are you f***ing kidding me? I know. I tried. I've been working on it. It's not, they're not going to budge. We're going right now. No, we're not. And then you hear an announcement from the podium.
Starting point is 00:49:15 I am a rat here. Yeah, woo! And Jennifer runs over to you guys, too. We see Seb at their funeral on Earth. Hasn't aged a day. He looks so good. Looks so good. He's put the single flower on each of their...
Starting point is 00:49:29 Yeah, his jawline's so nice. Whoa. You guys are right. It does work out. My God, that was beautiful. Oh my God. Perfect. I can't believe you died first.
Starting point is 00:49:46 Well, Jennifer died first. I can't believe I have a son. No, you don't. No, that was ours. That was our son. That was ours. Yeah, sure, sure. Chip, that was our son.
Starting point is 00:49:55 That was mine, right? Yeah, of course. You look so much like you. Are you kidding? Enough like beef that I am a little concerned, but I trust you, huh? No, no, don't worry. He had the receding hairline and the ponytail. And the green skin.
Starting point is 00:50:07 Yeah, you're right. You're right. Where you have a shaved bald head of skin. Exactly. On top of your head, right. Guys, so sorry to interrupt, but since you've been doing whatever you're doing over here, things have kind of taken a turn for the worst. What? From what I've
Starting point is 00:50:24 heard as far as Springfield. What? From everything that I'm hearing that it might go to mayonnaise. John the Cryer, are you kidding me? We just saw that our life was freaking perfect if Jennifer wins. What happened?
Starting point is 00:50:35 What happened? What happened? I'm just going to say no. No. No. Fix it, John. Fix it. Okay, I'm going to go boots on the ground
Starting point is 00:50:43 and see what I can do but everything I'm hearing is that it's gonna go in their nose. Stop just saying boots on the ground when I ask you to fix something. I'm so sorry. I'll just boots on the ground real quick and get over there and we'll do it. We'll boot it on the ground. He takes off. Oh my god. I know I'm gonna die first
Starting point is 00:50:58 now. Oh my god. And there is a very like somber energy kind of around what would be Jenniferennifer's election party people are starting to have the feeling of that neighborhood their last remaining one that would decide the mayoral election seems to be tinging towards white instead of pink okay well okay uh well Okay. Uh, well, that was crazy. I don't really want to know what life's going to be like if she doesn't win. I feel like I have to know.
Starting point is 00:51:32 Did you guys say you want to get small? No, we didn't say that. Oh. So you want to see a future where Mayonnaise wins? Beef, maybe it's not that bad. Oh. Right? Maybe it's okay.
Starting point is 00:51:43 Chip, it's going to be a disaster. Let's just see it so at least we know how shitty it's going to be. That. Right? Maybe it's okay. Chip, it's going to be a disaster. Let's just see it so at least we know how shitty it's going to be. That way we know. Then we can course correct it. Then we can, yes. If we know the future,
Starting point is 00:51:51 we can fix it. Yes. Yeah, okay. All right. Your funeral. Are your funerals? We just saw that. Yeah, we just saw that.
Starting point is 00:51:58 You look into the pot of gold and its reflection starts to wave and you start to be transported into the image and it gets dark for a second and all of a sudden at the center there is a flickering light and it becomes clear that what you're looking at is a very small campfire inside a wet cave. Lightning strikes just outside the cave,
Starting point is 00:52:25 and you can see that it is raining on a desolate desert. You see large packs of roaming tumbleweeds also moving in the distance. There they are. In the light of the lightning. There they are. And you see a couple of figures in wet cloaks, worn with their hoods up
Starting point is 00:52:45 huddled around this tiny fire for warmth. I think that maybe we just start eating them. If we just start eating the tumbleweeds maybe we could show them that we're boss or something. Not a bad idea, Chip. I'm so sick of being on the run. Well, after they shut down Bottoms Up
Starting point is 00:53:02 and the accuses all of being horrendous criminals, we had to get out of town. When you said we'd be on the lam, I thought we'd be riding lambs. That sounds fun. God, if I had a lamb, I'd eat the crap out of it right now. Me too. Uh, hey guys.
Starting point is 00:53:19 And you look over through the cave and Beef's like surrounded by a bunch of tumbleweeds and they got a knife up to him. Oh shit. They got a hold of my pejorative. Okay, okay. Okay. Chalice uses firebolt to blast them away from Beef. Give me an attack roll.
Starting point is 00:53:38 18. The tumbleweeds erupt in flame as Chalice's firebolt hits them. You hear what almost sounds like faint sque like squealing screeching coming from them as they roll on fire and light up the desert. You know what, guys? I've had enough. I think I know what our problem is. We're so focused on helping ourselves and keeping ourselves alive.
Starting point is 00:54:00 What if we tried to help other people, okay? The world is shit. What if we protected other people and helped other people best we could? You don't mean as like masked vigilantes or anything like that, do you? That's exactly what I mean. I follow your drift. And Beef puts on his Heisenberger hat. Chalice puts on her dog lady mask.
Starting point is 00:54:19 Chip puts on his red rhino costume. Wait, Chip? Guys, I'm red rhino costume. Wait, Chip? Guys, I'm red rhino. No way. What? Holy smokes. Wait, wait, wait. Do you guys know?
Starting point is 00:54:37 I think I did at one point and forgot. Yeah, yeah. We're going to help people, okay? I like that. i like that i like that shows a montage of them becoming vigilantes in this like post-apocalyptic world they opened the same place for runaways to go inside of the cave that they did in the first one and chalice while they're all sitting around a campfire at night goes um yes this is is Chels Glass and I just have a question. Chip, how would you feel about becoming a dad?
Starting point is 00:55:09 I think I'd like very much. Thanks for the offer. Wait, huh? Wait, what? We're having a baby. Beef, you're going to be an aunt. Oh my god, I'm going to be an aunt. And they do the aunt and uncle dance.
Starting point is 00:55:23 And dad dance and mom dance. They do a daddy-daughter dance. Yes, exactly. I always wanted to be an aunt. Six arms, 40 times your body weight and lifting ability. I can't be what I want to be ever. She gets struck by lightning and changes into an aunt. The ammo!
Starting point is 00:55:43 It shows them teaching their son to, like, he has, like, a little superhero mask, too, and he's, like, learning how to fight and fight crime and use Beep's cape. And you see, like, people who were cast out and excluded from, like, the mayor's society and the king's reign and were seeking the safety of others.
Starting point is 00:56:02 You see as it starts off as just, like, a small group of misfits and orphans grow over time from just like eight people to like 20 to 50 until there's like a full cave of people who have gone through some sort of training, whether that be from chip and like a night sort of training or with beef and like dealings of like rogue-esque skills. He learned a little bit of magic, even though he hates it.
Starting point is 00:56:30 And he's showing all the kids how to bait and switch. Yeah. And then Chalice is like shepherding in new folks and making sure that they've got everything that they need. And we see that the bugs are addressing hundreds of folks now it's grown to that many inside a like well-illuminated cave well it looks like we had to remake the population and i took that on as head breeder thanks for. Thanks for the sacrifice, Beef. You're welcome.
Starting point is 00:57:06 What a hero, Beef. We look around. There's a bunch of shaved head bald kiddos running around. Little beeflings. Singing, doing cartwheels, farting on each other. It is time to reclaim what is ours. Yeah, this is when we start the battle to take back friends. Yeah, for sure.
Starting point is 00:57:26 Huge battle. We're face to face with the king, King Cicero, and Chalice has like a dagger at the king's throat. Hi, dad. You wouldn't. You wouldn't dare. Would I dare? This is for mom and for Peppa.
Starting point is 00:57:42 And she kills him. Let's go. Revenge is best. It's sweet as f***. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go! We're all the king now! We're all the king!
Starting point is 00:57:53 We're f***ing king, baby! They're throwing a party. We're like putting our hands in the air, celebrating, and then Chip's hand gets weak and he drops to the ground. No! He knew it.
Starting point is 00:58:05 Remember all those years back when he yelled, I'm going to die first? Yeah, that felt like stubborn. Chip, honey, no, you don't have to die first. We're going to notebook. We're going to notebook when we're older. No, I said I was going to, so I kind of have to. No, don't succumb to your battle injuries just to prove a point. This would be such a good time as a hero.
Starting point is 00:58:21 They live another 40 years. Chip gets up. Chip gets up. Mad. Pouts. And years. Chip gets up mad. Pouts. And you die in a boring way with your wife. Fine. We see the same scene of them dropping their kid off at college. Beef's the king, by the way. Yeah. Well, nobody has a better
Starting point is 00:58:39 story than Beef. Yeah, I mean, perfect. The king goes and drops our kid off at college. Everyone freaks out. Give you the king a little kiss. Brandon. Okay, on the forehead. On the forehead. Do it. Yeah. Love you, Uncle Beef. We love you, Brandon. Make friends.
Starting point is 00:58:57 They help a lot of people. Jennifer's an aunt. And then one day Chalice collapses right after a fun party. Chalice! No. Chalice. Chalice, get up.
Starting point is 00:59:10 Come on! There's such a fun party. No. Get up. I know this is the best party of our lives if we both want to die right here, right now. Hey, hey, hey. You two aren't leaving without your good old friend B for you. They live another 40 years.
Starting point is 00:59:25 Yeah, we live another 40 years and the three of them all die in each other's arms. Seb doesn't age a day, shows up at the funeral. Jennifer walks in with a pot of orange and goes, Guys, what are we up to? Sees all three of your dead bodies. Those f***ers died without me. Oh, crap.
Starting point is 00:59:42 All right. Jennifer lives another 40 years. She comes, leaves a little pot of orange at their three graves, does a big sigh, and then walks back onto a palanquin, and it looks like Jennifer is king now. Damn. Damn. Whoa!
Starting point is 01:00:06 That may have even went better than the first one. Guys, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter as long as we're together. Everything's going to be fine. It's going to be okay. Yeah, both scenarios seem kind of freaky. Freaky. They're both great.
Starting point is 01:00:21 I mean, one, you're king in the beef, so that's pretty cool. That's sick ass yeah that is sick ass it is sick ass Beef sick ass Chalice gives Chip
Starting point is 01:00:32 a big kiss on the mouth and goes I love that in every universe we're still together yeah we get to die
Starting point is 01:00:39 well in one of them we get to die in each other's arms which is really nice yeah with Beef no matter what I'm dying with Beef and that kind of makes me happy too yeah so no matter what it works out
Starting point is 01:00:49 exactly i guess yeah there's no we do know because usually there's no way of knowing but to know or to not know that's the question, right? Hello? Beef? Beef, we're over here. Oh, sorry. Beef, we're over here. Beef turns around.
Starting point is 01:01:11 He was looking in the mirror. You guys, you guys, the election results are going to come in any minute. Chalice grabs one of the champagne bottles and a few pints of piss, and she starts walking up towards the roof and gestures for her friend to come follow. Chip grabs a pot of orange and a blanket and follows behind. Beef brings his sandwich magazine upstairs. What are you going to do
Starting point is 01:01:34 with that magazine? Jennifer scurries up Beef's leg and gets onto his shoulder for a sweet ride. Where are you all going? I just said the election results guys are going to come in like any minute. We don't even answer. We make our way up to the roof
Starting point is 01:01:49 of Bottoms Up, lay out a blanket, uncork the champagne, and pass that out to one another with a little drip of piss in there too. Jennifer is lounging in hers like it's a little jacuzzi.
Starting point is 01:02:07 This has always been my favorite view of France since you guys showed it to me it is the perfect time of night you know when the stars are starting to wake up and the air is real crispy not how they work beef we've explained this to you they're waking up hi good morning stars
Starting point is 01:02:23 good morning stars one of Good morning, stars. One of the stars rolls over in the sky, gives a huge yawn, and like a nod to Beef knowingly. Nobody else sees that. No one sees it. No one sees it.
Starting point is 01:02:35 No one else clocks it. I miss Seb. Seeing you guys up here when I was in that parade is what brought me here in the first place. And watching Seb get taken by the tumbleweeds up here
Starting point is 01:02:46 is a pretty special moment. We found out he was bald up here. Yeah, that's true. It was nice to know that in every situation he doesn't age and he outlives all of us, huh? Yeah. What's it like being up on the roof, Jalis, and looking down?
Starting point is 01:03:04 It's peaceful. I feel really happy that I met you guys. Love y'all. Love y'all. Love y'all. Oh, I got three X's in a row. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 01:03:22 Oh, my God, Beef. I won. Beef Shmayer. No, Jennifer. No. Yeah my God, Beef. I won. Beef Schmayer. No, Jennifer. No. Yeah. Actually, no way. Hold on.
Starting point is 01:03:30 That's in his magazine. Why does this magazine have triple X on it? It's a sandwich magazine. Chip raises his glass of champagne to the future. To all our family and our friends. To us sticking together through thick and thin. Somebody raise my glass for me. Clink.
Starting point is 01:04:12 Hey guys, this is me elizabeth i know what's going on hi elizabeth how's it going i know what's going on what's going on what's going on these are like little sitcom neighborhoods well maybe just tv in general i don't know smallville is a superhero teen show was to me also elizabeth apparently sean thinks that smallville was a sitcom the superhero teen show. It was to me. Also Elizabeth. Apparently Sean thinks that Smallville was a sitcom. We're going to try not to bring it up. What was the name of that actor
Starting point is 01:04:30 that was like hot who was also in Cheaper by the Dozen that was in Smallville? Oh, yeah. Steve Martin? Yeah. Steve Martin.
Starting point is 01:04:37 He played Lex Luthor. Yes, okay. All right, guys. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you.
Starting point is 01:04:42 Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you.
Starting point is 01:04:43 Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you.
Starting point is 01:04:44 Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you.
Starting point is 01:04:44 Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you.
Starting point is 01:04:44 Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. Back to you. One, two, three. And I'm chipper, chipper, chipper. Tell us, tell us, tell us. The Good Place, man.
Starting point is 01:04:49 Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song. Aaron and Waleed and I worked out the story concept and Grace Hartford did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon.
Starting point is 01:05:05 We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses
Starting point is 01:05:16 that go into creating the show that we love. So a big, big thank you to patrons like Danny D, Dan W, Daphne D, DarkJester1990, Dan W, Daphne D, Dark Jester 1990, David Bose, DCLANACH, and Del Fuego,
Starting point is 01:05:37 and many more for making this show possible. But don't let them have all the fun. Join our Patreon now at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D for five buckaroonies and get access to over 100 hours of content instantly. That's patreon.com slash sitcom D and D. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats. This week's episode is prison experiment where chip and beef run a classic experiment with some wild results. You can check it out at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom in the letters D
Starting point is 01:06:14 and D. Okay, I think that's it for now and thanks, as always, for listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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