SitcomD&D - S5 E4: Unsafe Work Environment

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

The BUGs seem to be targeted once again when another law is passed that makes establishments liable for any injuries that take place on their premises. So the gang will have to try and make Bottoms Up as safe as possible as quickly as possible.Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/SITCOMDND and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Why is this urgent? Why is this an emergency? Are we trying to be Tony eligible for this year? What are we doing? And then I texted her and Sean asked, what do you think it's about? And I said, I bet you a million dollars it's about something that happened to her today. So I texted her and asked, and full confirmation,

it's about working at the library where she works and then trying to decide what retirement package you want when you were retiring from the library, which is what she did today. That's big. Congrats. She said there's a lot of big numbers, and I think that you will love it.

Big numbers in the retirement package or in terms of songs? In songs, I think. Well, did she say songs or did she say numbers? No, it's songs. Because I think one would be like, shh, shh, shh, we're in the library. Yeah, I think that's a great option.

Huge number. That's the opening number. I was going to say, what's the closest your mom has ever been to writing and producing a musical? She can't sing. She can't play any instruments. But she does text me good titles to a book anytime she goes, Aaron, I thought of a good title to a book.

So she's closer to writing a book than I think she is to writing a musical. Can I ask if you've ever Googled the titles that she sent you and maybe it's just books she came across in the library? You know what? I haven't and now I'm on to her. Erin, what do you think of the name Frankenstein by Mary Shelley? welcome back to sitcom dnd a real play dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today we're picking up at bottoms up baby with a bottoms up gang aka the bugs bg that's it's gonna stick it's gonna stick It's going to stick. It's going to stick. It's sticking.

It's sticking. It's stuck. So the Bugs are hanging out on Bottoms Up. It's a Friday night, and you guys got a hot Friday night crowd going on. And it's a pretty typical Friday night as of late, which is, again, pretty bumping. People seem to be having a great time in true Bottoms Up fashion. Pretty bumpin'. People seem to be having a great time in true bottoms-up fashion. It's probably on the brink of chaos, but, you know, a nice controlled chaos where everyone

seems to be really, really enjoying themselves. And that's what we're going to pick up. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Nice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. rolling dice Feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. Alice Glass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle as everything else.

Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Oh my gosh, the Tang slip and slide was a great idea. Everyone's loving it, man. You're a genius. Oh my gosh, the Tang slip and slide was a great idea. Everyone's loving it, man. You're a genius. We had a surplus of Tang. What else were we going to do with it? Hey, whistle, whistle, slow down, no running, no running. Can I also just say, I love your recent self-confidence. The fact that you pointed out how great an idea it was.

You know what, that seems like new Seb to me. And I like it. Thank you. I think it's kind of hot. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Seb, you're really on a roll. Why are both of you pinching my ass right now? It's so cute. We saw you from across the bar. Hey, whistle, whistle.

No pinching anyone's booties. Unless it's yours. Okay. Also, Jenny, I hate to break it to you, but you don't meet the max level of weight to go down the tank slide. Or height. Yeah, or height. It's too dangerous, so I can't see you on there, all right?

Yeah, for now. I'll see you later. I need a ton. I need to get stretched out or something. What's her plan? That's not going to be good. I'm a little bit concerned. Oh, she's going up to that guy.

He's a wizard, I think. She's been a giant rat before. She'll do it again. Oh, they're making out. Oh, they are making out. Oh, whoa. Okay. Whoa.

A twist. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. All right. Classic Friday night shenanigans. I love it here Beef almost does Whistle whistle But then he goes

No no no Let it be Let it be And then Someone enters Bottoms up That you Might want to blow

The whistle on Because You recognize this individual As John the Crier Boo Boo Get out Boo Get out! Get out!

Immediate hostility? Like, what? I haven't even said anything yet. Oh, so you're just here as a patron. You come to patronize our facilities. Is that right? Yeah, but I have to say one thing first. Of course you do.

What is it? Okay, it's just that... Hear ye, hear ye. Here we go. These proclamations. A new law has been signed into effect, effective immediately, in which

No! Whistle. all establishments in France are immediately henceforth liable for any injuries that take place within their establishments. Basically, in all, friends, I'm actually going to law school right now, so I can just interpret it and put it in layman's terms. There's no way.

I am! Oh my God, you're just like my mom, doubting me when I can't do things. I don't want to know anything about your backstory. We're not filling you out, man. I don't want to know anything about your backstory. We're not filling you out. I don't want to humanize you in any capacity. No. Fine. Fine.

Well, just know that if anybody gets hurt here for whatever reason, you are financially liable. So deal with that, I guess. Okay. We might be f***ed, you guys. This is not a safe place to be. I was going to say, we have a slip and slide actively going.

Something that Seb said not knowing the premise of this episode. That's how dangerous this is. And it's set up right to end right at the bar where all the glasses are and all the liquor is. And just in that minute, Dr. Pibb takes a running start

at the slipping slide. there's a ramp at the end though and there's a ladder to go up to the top of this and there's a jump in the middle of it and i'm gonna add a loop-de-loop because why not so mr bim hits the loop-de-loop and then it hits the ramp at the end going full speed into the side of the bar, breaking a lot of glass and what had to be one of his ribs. He's fine. He's fine. My shelves! He's fine.

He's fine. He's fine. Goodness! I have sustained injuries. That I know. It's my job to know. Sap, heal him. It looks like Marrow's already in the blood. Soon it'll fester. I, it is true. Sap, heal him. Sap, heal him. Quickly. It looks like marrow's already in the blood. Soon it'll fester.

I think it's mercy at this point to just, you know. Kill him. Implementing CPR. Okay, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. All right. Whoa, Beef, you got in there, buddy. I'm going to cast Healing Word.

It looks like a lot of the wounds are immediately under control. A lot of the bleeding that he was experiencing from this broken glass has come to a stop when you hear, I heard the news

and I literally sprinted here. Thaddeus Inch, Esquire, at your service. I'm about to be so f***ing rich. A full lawyer, not a half lawyer like you, crier. You think I'm a half lawyer already? I mean, you said you were.

Ugh, beef, don't even look at him. I don't know. You're humanizing him way too much, beef. I know. I am a human. What's your mom's name? What am I doing? Look what you're doing.

Seb, Seb. Emphaticus Inch, who, if you recall, is an inch tall, is dressed in a full, slick suit. Like he's wet? Yeah, he is wet. He took the slip and slide back to the entrance. I don't know if he meets the weight requirement, though. Well, Beef, that's on you. He's so small. He's so small.

He slithered in without me seeing it. And let me just slither this business card to you, good sir. And the business card's about a size and a half of Fatica's inch himself. He goes, I'm assuming we've all been made aware

of the most recent law. Um, I don't know what you're implying. We'll show you. Tonight will be the safest night ever at Bottoms Up. I'm not asking you to. I say just keep it completely normal. Whatever you guys usually do, that's fine by Faticus Inch.

God, you have, I'm so sorry, but I gotta say, you have buns of steel. What do you do, squats? Yeah, I dare you to put your pinky in there. I'll frickin' break it right off. What? I love this right off This is a trap This is a trap It's a finger trap

And the harder you fight The more stuck it'll get Truly Dr. Pibb Use this card if you sustained any injuries This bar is liable I'm looking you up I'm looking you down And I'm thinking right there we're talking 50 gold pieces I could get you.

Hey, hey, hey, you stay away from Mr. Dr. Pip, okay? He's our man. I am? He is? Yeah, you're our number one guy. Well, I don't think I'll be needing this, Fatica Cinch. And he rips out the business card. I'm feeling quite healthy, actually.

You idiot. Why'd you freaking fall like that? Oh my gosh! I mean, I could give him another card. I'm kidding, is what I would say if I didn't care about you more than anything! I love you like you're beef times three.

Oh my gosh! Chip proceeds to take down the slip and slide. He takes down the slip and slide. He starts down the slip and slide. He starts to sweep up the broken glass, and he's trying right now to make this place a little bit safer. Why doesn't one of you, you can decide amongst yourselves, give me just a luck check, a good old-fashioned bottoms-up luck check.

I'm on it. And with the state of things, luck checks are going to have to be pretty frigging high. Well, I botched, so if we want to cut this out and someone else wants to roll What the hell Where did little miss I roll 20s go She's dead She's dead Immediately the painting

In which Chalice is farting That was Allegedly Stuck onto the wall Comes crashing off off onto a table of other small guests. Can we react? Can we try? You say hooray? Yeah, I hate that freaking painting. Everybody will have a chance to react here as this is falling off the wall cool i try and go catch it i'm going to cast enhance ability on my good friend uh chip and give him bull strength so he

has whoa uh doubles his carrying capacity and has takes advantage on any strength base check and it is going to be a strength check because this thing you guys put a lot of time effort and work into making this thing industrial military grade and locked onto the wall uh but it's the wall itself that is given off because this thing is so heavy so there's chunks of wall attached to the back that is currently falling towards the table so this thing's can i ask a question did chalice wish this down did her wishing and praying wish it down? Because she's been praying for this every night since it was put up.

Well, hey, it looks like the painting is fully intact. So good thing we can put this bad boy back on the wall. Throw it up on a different wall. No. Chip, give me two different checks. One, you're going to do a strength check with it sounds like with advantage. And the other uh give me a

dexterity check um just to make to see if you damage the painting as you're catching it oh my god screen 19 delicate hands delicate hands drop it if you need to babe don't get hurt with advantage i roll a 19 for strength and then a 17 for dexterity. The painting falls and you get there just in time. Don't worry, everybody. I would never let anything happen to this painting. It means almost everything to me. And I start kissing it.

You're a hero. I hate it. Chip, you're a hero. I know. Beef bounds up and hugs his leg. Chalice is just watching her boyfriend kiss a painting of her farting. Just mouth a gape. You guys haven't had sex yet, have you?

This is weird. How'd you know? Don't ask. Honey, it's obvious. Now, with a 19, you still need help from everyone else you've you've caught the weight but to get it back steady at least leaning against the wall you're gonna need some assistance here not it well i'm near him so hey beef you wanna yeah yeah do you want um some bardic inspiration or should i just help you with a negative one strength?

We're just saying this shit out loud now, huh? Yeah, just give me bardic inspiration, I guess. Yeah, inspire me. Shove it back up onto the wall. You're the man, man. No one could be a man like you, man. You're the man, man, no one could be a man like you, man. You're the man, man. Again, I summon all my strength to try and push it back up onto the wall.

If anyone needs a new daily affirmation, you can download that audio. That honestly might be my favorite beef song, yeah. I'm the man, man. You're the man, man. With the bardic inspiration, I roll a 26. Okay. Oh my God. You have full control of this thing now thanks to your the man man song.

You feel pumped. I'm the man man. Man man, you're the man man. Look at my man go. Chalice, why don't you give me a perception check right now? 18. You overhear a table of some young people next to you. Christina, you're insane.

You have to get another round of shots. It's your 21st birthday. She's like, I will, I will. But first, dare. Yes, truth or dare. And the whole table's kind of going nuts. Okay, I dare you, Jasmine, I dare you to take that pool cue over there,

stick it up your nose, and then jump off the table. Like, you're crazy it's your birthday so you know i cannot say no to a dare so okay chalice horrible chalice immediately sits down in the booth and takes a shot and puts her arm around jasmine Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine. Girl, I was just like you once. Jasmine, is this your step-grandmom? What the f*** are you talking about?

What the f*** are you even saying? I'm so young. How young are you? No, this is not a setup to a joke. Girls, listen. Coming from an old lady like me, I was like you once. I would have done basically anything to get people to like me

and to impress my friends. Yeah, that reads. Oh my God. Jealous looks over at her friends. Like, they're eating me alive over here. Hey, Han, I just fixed a picture of you farting. It's all good, Han. He just fixed it.

He's the man. You can see the fart. It looks actually, I think it got dusty, so you can see the fart more now. Oh, my God. Is that Beef, the famous musician? Yes. And you know what? Beef, he's my best friend.

Beef, come over here. It's a 21st birthday party, and they're about to do something super dangerous. Acknowledge that the fart looks better and then Beef will come. Beef, don't go until she acknowledges the fart. Beef's in the middle. Come here, Beef. Come here, Beefy.

Beef, Beefy, Beefy, Beefy. Wait. Beef, wait. Beefy. Oh my God, here's my good Beefy. Beef goes, Beef goes. Yeah's a beefy. Beef goes. Beef goes. Yeah, I knew it.

Yay. He walks up to the ladies. He has sunscreen on his nose, and he's got that lifeguard whistle around him, so he's got some mojo. Yeah. Hey. Beef, I was just saying to these ladies that it's not cool to do whatever dare that is super dangerous that they get asked to do

what's even cooler than dare is truth right beef oh yeah ladies i love the truth and nobody loves it more than me well okay well if you're gonna play with us okay this is the crazy i can't believe this is happening my birthday it's like every wish is coming true this is insane um well do you have a question for me christina birthday girl oh me ask you oh if you wanted to ask a truth i would tell you any truth any truth well i don't know you so you could be lying to me are you lying to me beef i i this paranoia is sort of intense let's uh oh i got one that you could ask her beef um what is your favorite thing about your friend jasmine i kind of wanted a question from beef chalice walks away i give up well i was gonna say what's your friend's name i mean tell us something about wait chalice come back uh chip leans over to sab and was like that was sad what was that

i don't know that was a little bit of a me move yeah exactly and you're kind of acting more like beef and i like it did you steal beef's confidence i don't know i'm trying to remember if like we both touched a glass of beer and it was struck by lightning or something i feel bad uh you the not old person i have a dare for you sure i'll take any dare if you like me i will do anything sad um i dare you to lick the bottom of this table. No problem. Was that not enough? Should I have gone harder on that? Talos goes under the table, and how gross is it?

You don't have to do this, Chalice. I really do. They called me his step-grandmother. Oh, girl. Okay, yeah. Let's roll a luck check for Chalice just to see with this particular table how bad it is.

Five. Oh, not good. There's just, I mean, at this point, it's not even identifiable what's on the bottom of this table. It's just maybe it was food at one point. Maybe it was blood. It doesn't look good, whatever it is.

Can Chalice fake licking it and make it really look like she is? Yeah, you can certainly try. Give me a deception check. Unnatural 20. Oh, my God. I can't believe she actually did that. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm gross. Chalice, what? Ew. I think I might need to take a pause on kisses for a little bit if that's okay, hon. Chalice bursts into tears. He said that out loud in front of everyone just a little bit just a couple days we can't top that everybody like let we're done with truth or dare like let's just get another round because we can literally cannot top that that was awesome okay chalice gathers Beef and Chip and Seb.

But Beef doesn't like that they were mean to Chalice and that they did that. Beef wants to go right up to Christina and he says, I dare you. I double dog dare you. We said we were done, Beef. I deny your dare, false Beef, because I can tell you're not even Beef

because Beef is confident and I don't know what you are. But please remove yourself from our table so I can enjoy my birthday with my friends. Thank you, losers. Goodbye. Oh, my God. I mean, I understand it, but mean. Chalice starts fanning beef. It's fine.

It's fine. Okay, everybody. It's fine. We're all happy. We're all confident. And we're doing well. And nobody's been hurt. And no one is sad that they're not getting kissed for a few days.

Everything is going great. We just need to keep everyone, stay safe, everyone stay alert, stay safe. Did I say a few days? Like just a couple hours or two days. Okay, whatever. We have to stay alert. Everybody stay vigilant. No accidents on three. Ready? Everyone hand in. Ready? One, two, three. No

accidents. Pillows everywhere. Let's get pillows. Put them everywhere. I like that. Speaking of accidents, you guys, I think the axe throwing club has been over-served. Oh, God. Is it Friday? Well, I'm talking to you right now, and I'm against

the target with my arms outstretched, and they're preparing to throw the axe. Well, that's inappropriate, because I'm not up there yet. Do you want to join us? We're in a pretty we're looking for new competition on this axe throwing. What do we do?

Could you leave? Pardon me? Could you leave? Could you leave, please? Is there a reason you're asking me to leave? No, I just now thought about the fact that if nobody was here, we could never get in trouble. I know, but then we wouldn't make any money. Yeah, but then nobody was here.

Oh, my God. Okay. Maybe if just Jennifer moves, then nobody's going to get hurt. I'll tell you what. If you don't get out of my way, you're going to get hurt. Wait, what? Why? This is a violent act.

What are you guys? You've been over-served. Oh, you've been over-served. I'm sorry. That means you're going to start murdering people. I apologize. I'm going to be serving murders. Okay, cool.

Okay, well, how about this for an axe? And I pull out my big ol' axe. Oh, my God. This can't be where this goes. Which one's bigger? All right, let's go. Let's go. I'm sorry.

These people are challenging me now. All right, roll for initiative. This must go. I'm sorry. These people are challenging me now. All right, roll for initiative. This is supposed to be de-escalating the violence. I thought if it were so big, they would stop. It did not work. Is that how most boy fights start in real life? I thought if I was so big, it would stop. Maybe I should have been sitting.

If I would have been sitting and I stood up, you know how that happens sometimes? In movies? Yeah, in movies we intimidate somebody and then that person stands up and they're so tall. But look at that sign. It says you can't do that thing that happens in movies where the person stands up from the table and they're way bigger. I hate that sign. I hate that sign.

I rolled a 10 for initiative. An axe is coming at you before you make your first move. That's okay, because I can get hurt. I won't sue us. While that's happening, a couple other things happen at the same time. Good Lord. A man who seems to be completely made of glass is walking into a fountain.

I can't. No. Oh, no. Stop. Stop. And at the same exact time, regular Joe starts choking on a sandwich. Oh, my God. Divide and conquer, everybody.

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So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. I'm going to go over to regular Joe. Can I do like a medicine check to see if I can like help him dislodge? Yeah, that's a great idea. Give me a medicine check. Boom, natural 20.

All right, I got this. I got this. I get this. I'm gonna do the Heimlich. I'm going to impress on his chest. I'm going to impress on his chest. Does that plan check out with everybody else? That's chaos in the bar, right? I'm dealing with glass, man. I got axes coming at me.

Chalice is just sprinting back and forth the length of the bar, sort of chaotically. Sam, just follow your gut. We can't be checking with each other on every choice here. Go for it, man. You're the man. All right, let's do do this and then i do it and uh out of his mouth comes beef's necklace you interweave your fingers and you bring them close to you but you know he's in the middle sean doesn't know how to do cpr this is my evidence does everyone else all of a sudden feel kind of worried about being with sean in an emergency. I do not trust Sean to help me when I'm choking in there. Interweave your fingers. Sean will never babysit.

You bring them close to you, but he's in between you? What is that? If you start to choke, don't look at Sean. It works. Whatever magic situation that is. It's not magic. It's basic CPR. You should know that. It's not even. It's basic CPR. You should know that.

It's not even CPR. It's just the Heimlich. So the beef's necklace rockets out of regular Joe's mouth. Whoa. That was a close call there. Can beef catch it in his mouth? Yeah. Beef catches it in his mouth and he goes,

that's where my mojo went. Chalice is focusing on trying to de-escalate the violence between Chip and the axe throwing, the over-served axe throwing club. Interesting, because Chip is trying to over-escalate the violence to solve the problem. Exactly. But to sort of disarm Chip, because he's sort of the problem here,

Chalice flashes chip everything stops everything the whole bar stops faticus inch had a card he was extending to regular joe and it drops out of his hand his eyes are wide jennifer turn was making out with the wizard still and looks over damn Damn, Jennifer. She's jaw dropped. The whole party of Christina and Jasmine and all their 21 friends for the 21 birthday in a corner stop what they're doing. And it is gasp moment. Those are some powerful boobs. There's three? That is a belly button.

That is just a belly button. Sorry, Beef. I took a Sharpie and I drew a little half circle around the belly button earlier. You guys were playing a game without me? Yeah, we haven't had sex yet. Yeah. Chip lifts his shirt and he also has a boob belly button right now as well. There's three.

Just having some fun. Do you still want to fight? No, no. And maybe we'll shorten the kiss block. Well, we still want to fight. She flashed you. Her back was to us. We went.

I'll flash them too. Oh. Thank you. She does have three boobs. Are we okay? Are we sort of, that's sort of silly? I got three boobs boobs Are we okay? Are we sort of That's sort of silly I got three boobs

Is everyone okay? Everybody's okay Yeah I mean I don't know what I was expecting Boobs are just part of A human body Yeah we do naked Thursdays You should come by on a Thursday

Yeah you should come by Do you really? Yeah Okay It's actually a really good crowd Yeah come by on a Thursday Yeah we don't even really like axe throwing. You don't seem like axe throwers.

I was saying this earlier. Yeah, we're not. You guys are throwing them all weird. We are. We're terrible at this. How's it going with the glass man beef? I'm getting to know him. So you said I could just sit anywhere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I want you to sit. I never heard that voice before. That's awesome. Whoa. That's a fun new one. A new one. And Glassman, could you please tell me your name?

My name's Streak. Is that a mean nickname that somebody gave you? Yeah. Aw. What's your Christianian name windex hmm well windex he's disappointed oh oh i'm i'm falling i'm falling streak stop uh beef holds person on streak nice nice Nice. Nice. He's held. He is immobilized.

Oh, that was a close call. Yes, Streak, you're my new guy. You're my new favorite guy. You're going to be hanging out with me all night. You're not going anywhere. Can Chip run upstairs and grab the mattress from his bed and bring it down for a seat for Streak? Yeah, he definitely can.

While Chip is running upstairs to go grab the mattress, why don't you guys give me just another luck check? Oh, Lord. I got a 10. What is happening? I got a one. Okay. Oh, God.

That's enough. Give me a perception check. Anybody besides Chip. 17. Okay. Chalice, as Chip's running up the stairs, who knows if it's just this time with thousands and thousands of people

running up those stairs and kind of pushing against the wall. Over time, slowly and slowly, it's just added up. Obviously, this place is falling apart. You notice that the chandelier, this old, heavy, rusted metal chandelier with candles in it, starts to come loose in the ceiling

and is about to fall. Oh, no. Is anyone under it? It's kind of in the middle of the bar, so there's a bunch of people who are just conversing and drinking and laughing and hanging out, standing directly under this chandelier. Can I spider climb to try to get to the ceiling and

grab it before it falls? Yeah. You want to spider crawl up the wall onto the ceiling and then try to secure it? Yeah. Try to catch it or secure it. For sure. So you're there. Great. You have spider crawled and are upside down or looking upside down essentially at the chandelier as it starts to come out of the wall and it's just the metal wire that's kind of holding it in there is now becoming more and more exposed well i'm going to try to grab it and i'm going to roll strength or if you're just if you're going to try to hold it yeah strength give me a strength check oh 19 okay with the 19 you grab onto it and you grab onto it the best that you can Yeah, strength. Give me a strength check. Ooh, 19. Okay.

With a 19, you grab onto it, and you grab onto it the best that you can. This thing is super heavy, and the only thing that is keeping you tethered to the ceiling is essentially your Spider-Man sticky fingers and feet. And this thing outweighs you by like 3x. Oh no. So as you feel it give and you feel the true weight of it, you realize you would never be strong enough

to keep this thing where it is with your own strength. And any moment now, it is going to fall on the people below. Chip, throw the mattress! Chip comes sprinting back down and tries to chuck it in time to catch the falling chandelier. Okay. Give me any type of athletics

or even a sleight of hand check to see if you... Ooh. Nat 20, so 28. Oh, baby. Sorry. What does this look like? He's at the top of the stairs when he hears Chalice scream,

and he kind of, like, grabs it with one arm and throws it sideways, and it kind of is, like, spinning horizontally and lands. And midair, the chandelier catches the mattress and hits the ground. And then Chalice is so delusional that she falls, just complete trust falls from the ceiling, hoping that one of her friends will catch her. Chip jumps off the staircase and catches her midair if he can. Let's see if he can.

Let's do another athletics check here. 21. Okay. What does this look like? Better than sex. Front flip. Front flip, but it's clear like? Better than sex. Front flip. Front flip, but it's clear we haven't had sex. That was absolutely incredible.

Yeah, Streak. If you stick around, you're going to see some crazy shit. Chalice goes to kiss Chip because that was super romantic, right? Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm. Chip. Mm. Chip leans back a bit. to kiss Chip because that was super romantic, right? Chip leans back a bit. He leans back a bit. Then he remembers the boobs and

goes in for a kiss. Yay! I did it! Yay, boobies! Oh, wait. It's fine. Yeah, I didn't actually lick the table. Don't tell the girls. They love me. Well, why didn't you say something? You could have told me. Don't tell the girls. I won't tell the girls. They love me. Well, why didn't you say something? You could have told me. Don't tell the girls. I won't tell the girls.

Don't worry. Thank you. But who cares what they think also? I think you're cool. I do so much. I do so much. Yeah, me too. Do they even think I'm cool?

I haven't asked, but I bet they do. Please go ask. I will. I'd like to announce Gorilla Theater. I'm going to do a performance to get everyone to come together. Wait, the spell is called Gorilla Theater? No, no, no. It's not a spell at all. Oh my gosh. I'm using my performance

because it's a big modifier. Okay, I'm sorry. I think you don't get that until level seven, Seb. Yeah. Yeah. I'll believe you. Showtime! Welcome to alt theater. Everyone on stage Oh my god it's gorilla time. Everybody it's

gorilla time. Everyone on stage I never thought this would happen again. After you just say everyone get on stage everyone's kind of like doesn't look completely turned off to the idea but they're just checking the rest of the crowd like you do when anyone asks you to do something you're like well i guess everybody's gonna do it maybe that's

normal and i'll just join in but it's this moment of hesitation where no one's gotten up to move on onto stage yet so maybe they need a little more persuading okay um his confidence is toast it wasn't the necklace Get out of here Jenny Jennifer I'm kind of on your side here Maybe we gotta help Beef out Hey oh whoa theater that we all get to Perform in simultaneously That's exciting

Wow Maybe somebody else will show their boobs Only time will tell if everyone gets on stage Beef give me a persuasion check 14 plus 7 Oh 21 With 21 slowly people are like Well you know

Friday night let's see what's going on Okay this could be fun And just slowly Everyone who can fit on stage who's at the bar There's so many people there That not everybody can fit on stage who's at the bar. There's so many people there that not everybody can fit on stage, but a good amount. The stage is packed. Yeah.

I like everybody right here. Right where I can see them. Nobody's moving. Nobody make any crazy decisions. Let's sing happy birthday to Christine. Chelsea. That's what happy birthday to Christine. Chelsea. That's what guerrilla theater is? Jennifer, we're trying to do a thing here.

We're trying to keep everyone in our sight and everyone safe. Jennifer, this is very clearly a well thought out plan by Beef. And you hear Christina just going, oh my God. They were the only one of the people who actually didn't get up. Very few. And they're still on like their back table but now she's like the center of attention and very happy about it and is like i'm like this is beef's gonna sing me happy birthday this is crazy this is that's this is awesome and so oh sweetheart i'm not gonna be singing this beautiful choir's gonna be singing and acapella style and they go happy and as soon as they do black smoke people come into their mouths and they're like oh yes oh and there's just chaos of black smoke people going into all the halls. And they're getting lifted off the ground.

Oh my god! Beef, you're the only one with a permit! Oh my god, I forgot! And they start getting blown out the front door into the stocks, but the magic and the smoke people, it's pretty much almost as if code was written, which it doesn't know what to do when the stocks are full. So people just keep piling up on top of it.

The smoke people themselves and the magic itself kind of short circuits and just kind of dissipates all at once. But it was pretty horrific what just happened. Close and lock the door. Just close and lock the door. Just shut the door. Oh my gosh. Chip runs over and slams it shut, puts a bar over, throws three, all the chain locks that we have, and shuts it.

Sam starts passing out cigarettes. Okay, so I think that actually could have been the best case scenarios. That was a big whoops on my part. Yeah. So we're kind of learning that these things stick around. These things stick around. It's not just a day basis kind of part. Yeah. So we're kind of learning that these things stick around. These things stick around. It's not just a day basis kind of thing. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they die? So we don't need just a solution for the liability thing today. We need a long-term solution for this. Yeah, both, I think. I think we're sort of in both. I think both would kind of be good. That really shook me, guys.

I'm scared. That was disturbing to watch. It was your fault, to be fair. Nobody stopped me, though. Do you guys see it? Oh, man. I forgot. I will say I forgot.

I forgot, too, but you did it. I forgot. But, Beef, you got to be careful. Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay. Well. So, Sab, you're doing your temp check, handing everyone cigarettes around. People, everybody's visibly shook.

In fact, Bottoms Up is kind of shook to its foundation. The only person who looks happy is Faticus Inch, who's handing out a lot of business cards. And you hear him kind of mumbling to himself, that's 100 gold pieces right there. That's 250 gold pieces. That's not our fault! What have you done, your premises? They got hurt in the stocks. They didn't get hurt

here. That's not on us. I almost just sang that. That was a close call. Whoa. Caught it at the last second. It happened on your premises. You are liable. That that is the law and that's why i'm here baby oh you can tell that people are shook here uh and again, bottoms up as a foundation seems to be shook, which is causing a few other things to happen at this exact moment.

Good Lord. In fact, yeah, a lot of shit's about to hit the fan because we've got a hornet's nest that must have been hidden in one of the corners under the stage, must have been hidden in one of the corners under the stage must have gotten kicked in a scramble when people were getting lifted off their feet by the smoke people.

And there are a bunch of lethal looking hornets that are buzzing about trying to attack and protect their hornet's nest. And someone actually walked in from the back who is so hot that people are fainting around them. Oh, no.

The foundation of Bottoms Up was shook so much that it seems like a pipe has burst and there is an exploding toilet taking place in the bathroom. Oh, my God. Anything else, Sean? Yeah. You know, one more thing there's a huge guy with one of his arms is enormous it's the strongest arm you've ever seen uh is about to arm wrestle someone who has an arm that's basically just chicken bones so i guess my thought is do we need to convince

those people not to sue us right now yeah but we got to stop the numbers from going up. Okay, so everybody take one of these things. I call Hornets. I call Hottie. Oh, I wanted the Hottie. Well, I wanted the toilet, so. Oh, great. You get toilet.

And what's the other one that's left? I'll take the arm wrestling, honey. You can have the Hottie. Thank you. Yeah, I'm sorry about the kiss thing earlier. That's okay. What do you guys want me to do? guess do the thing that i said which is go outside and convince them not to sue us yeah okay i'm on it jenny's on it thank you jenny that's not gonna go well

we're just buying time i know i know i know. Okay, who wants to go first? I'll go first. I'm going to cast my cantrip druidcraft, so I get to do like a small druidy thing. I instantly make flowers blossom. So we have like a planter's box. It hasn't been very well taken care of, but I cast druidcraft.

I make all of those open. It's beautiful. We got tulips. We got a bunch of daffodils, which have a fun, fun name, and they look like little trumpets. Yeah, I think that's enough to get some hornets to buzz off track. Immediately with the aroma and the pollen that they so desire enters the air because of this bloomage, they are going to those flowers and are kind of off the attack you did it seb thank you i'm actually have really bad allergies and i'm gonna sneeze um i'm gonna go up to the hot guy and i'm gonna use suggestion and i'm gonna say

you need a haircut and i'm gonna give him a bowl, the bowl cut that Chalice had season one, two, maybe three also. And then give him a super unflattering goatee. Give me a D10 roll. Whatever that number is, that is what you subtract from his hotness on a one to 10 scale. Okay.

But when do people stop fainting? Because it doesn't have to be much, right? Well, we'll see. Seven. Wow. This haircut is so bad, it took him from a 10 to a three. It's a devastating look. Happened to me.

Happened to Chalice. I get it. It's so bad that someone who had fainted, some of their hair must have fallen on their nose as they're on the floor, and they open their eyes, and they're not happy with what they see. And they go up to you, Chels, and they said, you ruined something beautiful. I know, I'm really sorry.

They don't even respond. They just walk out the bar. They seem shook. More shook than even when black smoke went into people's mouths when they were singing. Damn. How does it look? Great.

Chip goes up to the arm wrestling pair and points at the big-armed person and says, Hey, how about you pick on somebody your own thighs? That's right. Not arm wrestle. Let's leg wrestle. You just hear Thaddeus inch in the corner go, equally as dangerous, I feel like. Me. How about you thigh wrestle me?

Better. Better. Okay. I'll take you on. Oh, my God. Your voice makes you sound big. I'm not that as big as I sound. He's got one huge arm.

It's all in my arm, mostly. He stands up from the table, but it's the opposite of the effect. He looks really small. So, okay, you get into a leg wrestling position with this guy. Yeah. We're going to go on my count.

On go. Okay. Okay. Three, two, one. I start tickling him. I start tickling him. Okay, give me a dexterity check. See if you can find his tickle spots.

Twelve? Not quite. I know what you're doing. I'm going to find him. I'm going to find him. I'm going to find him. I'm going to find him. I'm going to find him. And he slams his leg so hard and so fast that the rest of your body doesn't really move with it.

It's supposed to enroll you, do a backward somersault out of it. You hear a crack in your leg, and your leg is just kind of next to you. Oh, my God. Oh, it won't sue us. Take a D12 of damage Oh god

That's a big one Oh god 10 damage Oof I keep trying to tickle him Oh god You got it You got it Back of the knee

I knew it Beef has his hands on his hips and he's staring at this toilet geyser. And he's wondering, is there a valve to shut it off? Yeah, there's a toilet geyser blasting. And it seems like what's coming out of it almost has the quality of acid. It's almost like the floor is lava. Oh, why is our sewage acid? Are we okay? almost has the quality of acid. It's almost like the floor is lava. Oh. Why is our sewage acid?

Are we okay? I do appreciate Beef asking, this is the most real-life solution to this thing. It's just turning off the valve. You look for a valve, and you do see one. You see following the pipe up the wall that there is the equivalent of a spigot, a little handle that you could turn off the water.

There's about probably a foot and a half, two feet already of this toxic liquid. And there's some like debris and floating furniture in this right now that seems to almost being like melted within it. And then on the other side of from where you're standing on the far wall is that spigot okay i'm either gonna get something equally as toxic to stand on to get across which i think we would all agree is whatever chalice was wearing when that painting took place. Or I'm going to say pickle.

And my cape is going to come to me. Hell yeah. And I'm going to fly over to the spigot. Yeah, you are. It pays to remember the items you got. Yes! You are in front of the spigot. You turn it. It's not too hard to turn.

And the sludge stops. And you know that there is drains. There's multiple drains on the floor that eventually this will all drain out. So I'll pickle out of there, shut the door, and put a nice

beautiful sign that says, Out of commission, poo and pee somewhere else. I think it'll say out of control. Out of control. It's out of control in there. Okay, amazing. So there is now a lull in things. You guys are reading the temperature of the room.

A lot of people seemingly what's so crazy to you right now is that everyone else is kind of acting like this is a normal night at Bottoms Up because it is. The only thing that's changed is your perception. A lot of times you just don't really give a shit if people are getting hurt or things are going wrong. It's just kind of par for

the course. So everyone who's here who's at least a regular, it's kind of rolling with the punches. It's just your perception that has changed at this point oh my god this place is a hellhole isn't it i do i can't believe we live here we live here we're here all day we sleep here this is a nightmare we breathe in this stuff there There's acid in our toilet. I think we used to drink that before today. How bad of a job do you think Jennifer's doing right now? We drink piss, guys.

What's wrong with us? They're really sobering up. They're blacking back into their lives. What's the matter with us? Oh, my God.? Oh my God. Oh my God. We're bad people. Well, no.

We're not bad people. We're feeding people orange. Oh my God. What's in that? What is in that? There was blood under the table. What do you mean? Who cleans under the table?

Oh my God. Which sounds like we should. Don't worry, guys. Jenny did it. Did what? She comes in and she's huge. Wahoo! Whoa!

Did that wizard make you big? Yeah, I'm like three whole feet now. Okay, you're like a beef. Oh, Jenny, the slide's been folded up and put away for maybe a couple hours now also jennifer you were supposed to convince people to not sue us did you go and do that thing i said i was successful i got turned huge i didn't necessarily bring up the whole suing thing i was getting to, and then you guys interrupted me. Okay, so how did that go?

You interrupted me so I didn't get to it. How did we interrupt you? You came in here. Jennifer, did you do it? You did it! Or whatever you said. I don't remember. I think you came in here and said, I did it.

Does that sound like me? Yeah, I think you came in here and said, I did sound like me huh yeah i think you came in here does that sound like big jenny this is such a bad day we have to figure something out i can't live like this i can't be worried about people getting hurt i got a pitch i do have a pitch okay i think that we go to the baby baby baby go around store and we just baby proof the hell out of this place. I think we get spongy walls for every corner. I think we lock up everything that we don't want people to touch. All the glass.

Every outlet we cover up. Okay. Is that enough? Well, yeah, we could have a plan butthole too. well yeah we could have a planned butthole too um I was thinking we could engage this attorney for some other services

and then suing us would be or serving in another would be a conflict of interest incredible so we just need to solicit him for business give him a retainer oh my god and beef kisses Seb on the mouth whoa oh that's a really intimate kiss i thought

you guys were gonna kiss for a couple days no that was us that was us yeah seb you're literally kissing beef when it's our day where it's all us first beef what a weirdo why are we still on this beef are you trying to suck the confidence out of Seb's mouth? Yeah. That's what he's doing. Good call, Chip. No, no. Come here.

Come here. Beef, let him go. Come here. Beef, let him go. There's like this tiny little light that's coming out of my mouth. Like Ursula taking her voice back. Like, give it to me. Give it.

Give it. Well, well, well. Like, give it to me! Give it! Give it! Well, well, well. Okay, everybody. I've kind of made my rounds. I'm probably going to call it for the night. Now, we could see you all in court, I don't know, 20, 23 times over, or we could just settle outside of court.

I think probably it would look like, I don't know, 600, 700 gold pieces, something like that. It should probably be enough for my clients to settle. Oh, my God. We're going to have to fake our own death and get out of here and start over. Let's put him on retainer. Let's put him on retainer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We retain you. Oh, we're going to need such a good lawyer to get us out of this pickle. If only we knew the best lawyer around town. Yeah. And if they were small, too. Oh, it'd be so good if they were really small. Even better. Okay, let me think about this.

I'm not a fucking idiot. So I would make 700 gold pieces a night going against you. I guess my retainer would be 750 gold pieces a night. New plan. What if we give people a free drink next time you come in card if you don't get hurt in our bar?

I like this. I don't. I think you should give up on any more planning. What about waivers? Oh my god. Where's John the Crier? John! John! What? I'm still here! I'm studying! I'm studying!

What do you know about waivers? Oh, that's actually what I'm studying right now. Oh! Okay, it says here waivers can be used for all sorts of things. You essentially waive your rights given a certain set of circumstances. In certain instances, you can waive any future liability of an establishment or organization for any injury sustained knowing that you have willingly agreed to the dangerous situation involved. What's your mom's name? Nope. Sorry.

No. Seb? Yeah, we could just, every person that comes in here, we can have them sign a waiver. And then that way, they can't sue us. Perfect. Write it up, John the Crier. Yeah, write it up, intern. Intern.

Alright. I'm working on it. I'll work on it. How do we get people to actually sign it? Well, they can't come in unless they sign it. Don't worry. I'll do my job as the bounce man, the bounce star. You're the man, man. I'm the man, man.

Wait, don't sing. Don't sing. I didn't. I ought to sing. It's melodic, but I didn't sing. Okay. Because I'm the only one apparently they can't. And I'm scared.

We better watch out for that. Yeah, that one's going to get out of hand. That made me nervous. That was pretty frightening. So he has drawn up a waiver that you're able to make magical duplicates of. And so you've got a fat stack of them. Based on the waiver that we're talking about, I'm assuming it's the type of waiver that would act as like a gym where you sign it once. And then anytime you're there, you have waived your right to sue if you hurt yourself lifting a heavy weight.

In this case, being at a very dangerous bar. It's a lovely bar, Sean. Don't snicker at us. So I actually want to see, assuming that you're able to have people sign this, what does Bottoms Up look like maybe a couple days later or in the future here, given this new set of circumstances? days later or in the future here, given this new set of circumstances? Well, there's a check-in desk kind of near the door where you have to scan in and we ask you how your day was and what you're going to do.

Hi, welcome to Bottoms Up. Hi, I thought this was, I'm supposed to meet a friend here for a drink. You have to scan your card right here and we'll let you through the gate. Okay. I don't have a card. I'm meeting a friend here. Do drink just scan your card right here and we'll let you we'll let you through the gate okay uh i don't have a card i'm meeting a friend here do i need to oh a new member a new i didn't know i just wanted a drink you're gonna have to sign this form and we'll print out a little key card for you to come on in whenever you want in the future. Now don't lose that thing because we don't make Duke bookets. Okay. But this is a bar because it's got real

weird gym vibes. Oh, because of all the soft mats all over the place? Yeah. Alright, well thank you for Oh, okay. Thank you for my key card. And um, alright. Oh, and we'll bring you over. Beef puts him in like a wagon that's filled with pillows. Sit in the wagon and I'll bring you over. Beef puts him in like a wagon that's filled with pillows.

Sit in the wagon and I'll bring you over to the table. Okay, thank you. It's more fun if you say mush while he does it. I'm good, thanks. Oh no, not you, Beef. Yeah. Mush! Mush!

Mush! Here you beef. Yeah. Mush! Mush! Mush! Here you are. Awesome. Oh, double-paned glass for the windows. Nice touch. Actually, I'm alive. Oh, my God. You're visiting Streak?

Oh, Streak. I am visiting Streak. He always does this. I never know if it's double pane glass or my best bud what's up I'll leave you two losers to it as you cart away you just see Faticus Inch looking depressed

in the corner with a drink that's ten times bigger than him going like guess I'll have to find somewhere else to get my business do you guys know any other dangerous spots in town now that you guys have Going like, I guess I'll have to find somewhere else to get my business. Do you guys know any other dangerous spots in town now that you guys have softened? There's a place that a blimp almost crashed into the other day. Might be worth considering.

Maybe I'll check out Brad's pit. People are always falling in that thing. That's a bar now? I think he's serving drinks. I don't know. He's always got drinks. I'm just going to have a drink with Brad. Well, if you ever need to come by and work on those glutes, you know where the

perfect place to come. Here. Bottoms up. It is a gym now. Okay. Okay. Just for butts, though. It's a gym bar. It's a gym bar. Oh, it's a bar gym. B-A-R-R... Never mind. Sorry. Chalice is over at the painting trying to

rip it up it's on there stronger than it ever has been before even more magic no sitcom dnd is comprised of elizabeth andrews ben, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. From episodes like Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-world radio advice show, Thank you. when there's no big adventure afoot. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we love.

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