SitcomD&D - S5 E5: Sleepy Sunrise Assisted Living

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

The BUGs learn that if they get close with folks at the nearby assisted living center there could be heaps of gold in it for them when the seniors pass... yeah, not the gang's finest moment. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/SITCOMDND and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Is there a show where you find it rude for her to not be paying attention? I think it's only with like a movie and a movie that we selected together. Like we both gave feedback and then it's just like, I'm like, okay, that reel is on full volume right now. But I don't need to roast my wife. I love her more than anything. I don't need to. But please, go ahead.

I want to. Okay, and here's the thing with wives. Why are they always on the phone? He just got a stand-up microphone in his hand. I don't know. It's crazy. Oh, no. She's the best. she really makes my life so

so much better we could do 40 minutes of ben pretending to make fun of her and then saying how much she loves her this is the best thing that ever happened to me and i wouldn't change anything in fact i'm just gonna read my vows right here right now welcome back to sitcom dnd a real play dungeons and dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience today we're picking up in none other than bottoms up itself on a pretty typical day. It is midday. The regular crowd shovels in. And in that regular crowd, another employee is kind of coming through the door. And oh boy, is Tom Foolery dressed to the nines. It looks like he's got all new threads on.

And oh my goodness, they look expensive. So we're going to pick up there uh quiet unset sound speeding and we're rolling when you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find sebastian chalice chip and beef at the noble bottoms up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end.

So cheers to all our family and our friends. So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.

Keep going, Beef! You got it! Still got a foot left. I'm gonna beat it! Twelve, eleven, ten, nine, 8, 7, 6. Oh, Tom. Oh, hey, guys. Whoa.

Whoa. What the hell is going on? That's a lot of bracelets you got on. What the hell? I did it. I did it. I ate the whole. Hey, B, shh, B, shh, shh, shh, shh.

What? Did B feed an entire pumpkin? Stem and all. What's going on with you today is this velvet you noticed yeah this is um well I just I picked up this new outfit what do you think oh man I really want to touch it but I got

pumpkin juice all over my fingies yeah please don't I mean my the main thing I think is that I know what your salary is that's my first thought, I guess. Yeah. That's a good point. Did you steal these clothes?

Oh, good question, Chalice. This is really expensive clothes, but I recently came into some money, so I figured, you know, why not splurge? Nice. I love a splurge day. Chalice, we should go on one of those. Oh, I think Tom's still talking to us. Sorry.

God damn it, I keep doing that. It's fine. It's fine. It's probably a conversation for another time, too. Hey, Seb, you want to go on a splurge day with me? I would love to go on a splurge day. We can get matching jumpers. Hey, guys, I think Tom is still talking to us.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm still talking or not. And we like him, and we do this. I know, we do it do this. Sometimes my thoughts just appear outside of my head. So Tom, how'd you earn all that money? Oh, where'd it come from? Oh, good question. Well, here's the thing. I don't know if I earned it. I just kind of came into it. I was volunteering at the old folk home just up the street there. And I spent some quality time with some folks over there. one of them i'm sad to say uh a lovely woman by the name of opal she um she passed but uh apparently she didn't have much

family or anything so she left uh a lot of her stuff and her money to to old tom flory oh man i said that way too excited. I'm embarrassed about that. No, no, that's nice for you. It's nice that you got an old person to die. I didn't get anyone. She passed away. Natural causes. But yeah, so that's it, I guess.

I'll take these off because I don't want to work in these. And I'll get right to scrubbing up the bathroom. You know what? I'm going to actually hold on to those for you. So you're not going to have to worry about those. Thanks, Seb. I appreciate it. Well, I'll get to work, guys.

Yeah, all right, all right. Bye, bye. I get the pants. I get the pants. I get the pants. Okay, you get the pants. I get the pants. I get the little feather hat.

Wait, guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking? That we all wear one of these pieces of the outfit and walk around town? Cutoffs. I'm thinking all of those same things, plus an additional thing, which is, do you just have to be nice to old people and then you can get rich? I do got to say, I mean, I used to frequent that retirement home. Sleepy sunrise? Man, it was best.

Yeah, but for sex, beef. You frequented that for sex. Yeah. Let's be clear. And everyone consented when I went in there. I'm telling you. Do you remember any favorite partners? Yeah, there was Diane Delaney.

Diane Delaney. Her fingers were long. Rupert Murdoch, he was great. Rupert Murdoch. Well, great. Rupert Murdoch. Well, it sounds like you have an in over there. What if we went over there and we tried to make friends with old people? Then we could have our splurge days. Oh, my God.

We could get splurge. What are we going to buy? What are you guys going to buy on our splurge days? Adidas tracksuit. Next person. I was going to say Adidas tracksuit. Whoa. Oh, my God.

Four matching Adidas tracksuits. Whoa! Oh, my God. Four matching Adidas tracksuits. Oh, my God. Five! Oh, okay. Jennifer, stop eating the pumpkin, honey. No, it's not over yet. I can do it. We start shoving it down her throat

and move on as quickly as possible. We bring it with us. Jennifer just looks like a rat with a full pumpkin shape in the middle of her torso. Her little leg. So it's not too far up the road that the gang comes across Sleepy Sunrise Assisted Living. We walk in and we go to the front desk. At the front desk, there is a younger human woman working there who seems like she's just got a lot on her plate.

And she goes oh okay um are you guys volunteers here or do you have family here yes we want to meet old people that have no families please preferably rich you're not family you're here you're volunteers correct we are looking for four old people that have zero families to volunteer with to volunteer with bless your heart thank you so much for coming um we can always use more volunteers um just i have to fill this out did you hear about this through a friend did you have family here previously or i guess how do we describe a scheme oh yeah scheme scheme that is not one of the boxes. Harmless con? Yeah. Is there a box for a harmless con?

I'm going to put down friend. Yeah. Well, you know, we heard it from Tom. He's kind of like a friend. A distant work acquaintance, if there's a box for that. Why don't you all follow me? You're actually just in time. We are about to be doing bingo night.

So bingo night is about to kick off so actually everyone's already kind of found their seats and she walks you into kind of like almost like what looks like a cafeteria um like a big open area and um there is food at each of the tables as well it is reminiscent of like almost like a grade school, middle school type cafeteria, but there's a small stage almost like, you know, probably eight to 12 inches off the ground. It looks like there's a little bingo ball machine kind of up there where you would pull bingo and a microphone. And there's a bunch of tables within there and she goes okay well um tell you what how about you uh and she points to chip why don't you go sit over there uh next to jury yes jury

and she points each of you to a different spot in a different uh table with with an empty chair next to one of the individuals who's staying at Sleepy Sunrise Assisted Living. Why don't we actually, we'll start with Chip as you pull out a chair next to Jury. Who are you? Oh, I am Chip Ahoy. Maybe you've heard of me? I haven't.

Oh, okay. I don't need a partner. Oh, don't worry. I'm not here to help you. You look like a person that doesn't need help. I'm just here to also play and sit beside you and maybe have some fun. All right. Yeah.

Let's have some fun. Or not. Or we can have no fun. Is that kind of your vibe? You don't like fun? Let's say I've had enough fun for one lifetime. Oh. And Chip, why don't you give me a history check?

Would love to. I bet he's a clown. He's gotta be a clown. He's gotta be a clown. A3. You don't know what he means by that. What do you mean by that? Let's just say I've seen a lot of battles.

Oh. I've taken a lot of lives. Oh. It's something that you kind of think about a lot towards the end here. Regrets or? Well, not many. I did things that I had to do for the right reasons. Whoa.

Man, I have so many regrets. That's nuts. I've killed people that I really shouldn't have. What's your name? My name's Chip Ahoy, famous liar. Why do I? I'm studying to be a knight, actually. I'm in knight night school.

I want to be the most famous badass knight ever and make up for a dragon friend that I killed. That's my whole vibe, okay? That's my thing. I respect the honesty, and I respect the aspiration. And maybe I can give you a few pieces of advice. The name's Sir Jury. Whoa. Oh, okay. Sir Jury.

Yes, and Chip stands up and does a bow and a curtsy and kisses his hand and is trying to do all the things that he should to honor this person. Calm down. Oh, sorry, sorry. We haven't gotten to the class where we learn how to meet knights sorry sorry um hey hi hi i'm chip hey hoi and uh he

goes nice to meet you and he shakes your hand and it's a very empowering handshake one that gets you pretty excited to just be sitting next to a real live night chip looks over at sab and gives him a big old thumbs up like this is going well nice so what is your name my name is rick fork all right was spoon already taken oh um no I'm very good. My name is Seb. What do you do, Seb? Well, I'm kind of an entrepreneur, which is French. Get out of town. Whoa. Really? Why? Yeah. I'm an entrepreneur. Oh, cool. Of what?

Well, I invented the fork fork are you kidding me yeah before me it wasn't i mean it wasn't anything and then i got to name it what i wanted and so forks are everyone's like what came first rick or the fork i rick came rick fork came first i've heard that expression but i assumed it was like we just don't know sort of like kind ofom. I don't know why we're talking about this. Do you have grandkids? You like stuff? How can I endear myself to you? I like to think, you know, my wife and I, we did a lot of volunteer work.

She has since passed, but, you know, we like to think of the whole world as our children i know it sounds ridiculous but um yeah no living family left damn that stinks i think it's a life well lived but yeah yeah no if that's what you prefer then yeah no it's a great life uh it's that sounds really really good way um i don't really volunteer but i would love to learn how i went to a hospital you know what i did go to a hospital as a service animal for a while but i lost uh i lost control and i bit a bunch of kids yeah well you gotta start somewhere, right? Also, are you volunteering right now? You're really good with me, all right? You really know how to make me feel good,

and one day I'm going to learn how to do that for you, dude. I like that. I like that, too. Let's play some bingo. B-I-N-G. I don't know what I'm saying. Yeah, let's do it. Let's just look forward.

Let's just look forward. Let's just look forward. Oh, man. Does Seb give a thumbs up to someone? Let's just look forward. I'm just going to give a thumbs up to Beef. Yeah, man. Yeah, that's awesome. Nice. I like the idea that you've been

sitting silently up until now. I have. My hands have been clasped in my lap and my legs are kicking. Waiting for the go ahead. Beautiful sunrise this morning. Were you able to check it out? Were you able to get

up and see it? It was a lovely sunrise, wasn't it? It was. It was. Oh my God, your perfume. It's delectable. It's called plums. Plums?

Plums. Plums? What? Huh? Plums? Who are you? Who are you? I am Madam Embroidery. Oh, Madam Embroidery.

Oh, Madam Embroidery. A.K.A. And she kind of leans in. The Harfoot Contessa. That's you. You naughty little beautiful woman. What does that mean? What does Hardy, what does that mean?

Oh, I thought I was, maybe I think I'm more famous than I am. I guess it's been some time since my, you know, fame was at its zenith. But I am a chef. I was a famous chef. Oh, my God. Specializing in sandwiches. Finger foods, mostly. Small sandwiches. Like tiny little guys that you pop in your mouth in one second. You're talking like a guy who knows his sandwiches.

Oh, I love sandwiches. Madam Embroidery. Can I give you a nickname-y? I love a little nickname-y. Sure, go for it. Embroidery, embroidery, Madam Embroidery, embroidery. I'm going to call you skunk. Skunk?

Elizabeth, I would follow you anywhere. It reminds me of your perfume, and I like it. Ah, okay. Let's play some bingo. Yeah, we should look forward. And Beef Look gives Chalice a nice big thumbs up. Finally. So.

How do you do? Oh, good to meet you. Who did they bring me this time? My name is Chalice Glass. I'm a former princess, current woman of the people. And I'm so happy to be seated next to... Missy Snips. Missy Snips. That's right.

And I kept... Oh, my God, Chalice Glass. Former princess. Yes, of course. I was a royal stylist on Two Tree Hill for quite some time. I've done makeovers and styled many a royal figure. And this explains why you walked in. And I literally said, oh, my God, she's gorgeous.

She has to be royal of some sort. Yes. You do have that show, You Don't Know What You're Missing, where you'd give people makeovers. Oh my God. Because I used to watch that every time I was sick when I was home from school.

Yes. You are amazing. Yes. Until they shut it down because I wasn't paying anybody and I was very cruel to them. Incredible. I love them. Incredible. I love you. Yes.

Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God. Thank God I got seated next to you. Oh my God. What a relief. Sorry I sat silently for so long. Oh no, no.

Of course. Of course not. Wow. Usually I get paired with people that are just so dull. But you, you are radiant. And I am charmed. I am charmed already.

Chalice tosses her hair and smiles. And who does Chalice give a thumbs up to? Jennifer? Jennifer? Jennifer is trying to gain enough momentum by wobbling to the left and to the right to try to roll herself into a washroom. Oh, because she's a pumpkin. Oh, because she's a pumpkin.

So now we're going to do a series of luck checks as we see who is going to win bingo with their partner. Well, I'm going to win bingo. I know me and Skunk are going to win over you guys. That woman's name is Skunk? Yeah, man. She's awesome. She looks pretty cool. My guy, I just realized his full name is Surgery.

I just realized it's very funny, though. Me and my guy, we take the same laxative every day. Wow, Seth. Cool. I know. Isn't that nice? We both will not leave the house without it. We clinked bottles.

I like mine, too. That's awesome. Why? Why? Why? Because he thinks I'm pretty. Oh, nice. Oh, tight.

Tight. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Yeah. They're all giving each other thumbs up. All right. Lock jacks. All right, everybody.

We're going to get bingo underway here. Remember that the winner of bingo gets an all expenses recess trip outside of the facility to whatever restaurant know restaurant they want to go to whoa yeah oh my god skunk you would love something like that you love food we're gonna win this skunk i swear to god anything coming our way we're gonna win it that's the spirit all right i'm getting fired up um so i'm gonna start pulling balls and saying the corresponding number and letter. Um, so if, um, if anyone's struggling to keep up or needs me to slow down, just raise their hand and I'll slow it down. If you need help, I'll help you. Or maybe one of the volunteers here can help you as well, but, uh, we'll go ahead and get

started. So the first ball is B three. And so I want everyone to give a luck check. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I had a 12. 19. I got a 17. I got an 11.

Wow. Wow, everyone got that one. Thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now these are fantasy bingo boards, so the letters and numbers don't really correspond in the way that you might think. So much so that as soon as you get three yeses,

three bingo spots, that's going to be a bingo. It'll be in a perfect line. That does make this go faster. I thought that we were going to like fall into the board or something but i love that you're like i'm just trying to make this go a little quicker i thought that there would be a real fantasy element oh i mean you do fall forward you don't have to do this

it's magical because it's nine squares instead of 25. That's why it's magical. That's magic. A. One. Ooh, 17. Ah! Seven. Oh my god, I got a 19 again. I got a nine.

Okay. Oh man, that's it. That sucks. Sorry, Sep. Seriously, sorry, Sep. I'm really sorry. No, it's totally fine. Same to you. Sorry, Seth. Seriously. Sorry, Seth. I'm really sorry. Totally fine. Same to you, Chalice. B.

Two. I got a five. 19. Bib. Bib. Sir. Sir. Sir.

Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. We won.

We did win. We did win. Oh, my God. Okay. This is a battle well fought by us. Yes. Yes. And so we have taken the win. Oh, my God. Okay. This is a battle well fought by us. Yes. Yes. And so we have taken the day.

Oh, wow. Congratulations. Okay. Well, I'll come down to you two. Here is, this is a certificate. Okay, jury. If you don't mind rolling it up, and I'm going to get down my knee, and you kind of just put it, pat both my shoulders.

Right. Actually, or he could. That could be cool if he did it. I don't think he can because doesn't that make you a knight and you're not one? Shut up, B. It's just a paper. It's not a sword. Sir, do you mind? Yeah, why not?

I mean, it's not official, but we're having fun. I hereby dub thee, Chip, a true warrior of bingo. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

That means nothing. It's everything to me. Yeah. Well, I hope everyone had a great time can everyone do a round of applause for our awesome volunteers yeah clap for us clap for me clap for us clap for us hey awesome awesome um well you know hopefully we'll see you volunteers back um but that's it for bingo and um everyone if you want to get ready for dinner, we should be... What are we having?

Oh, well, it's just for our residents, but it is good, everybody. We're doing chicken pot pies. Oh. That actually sounds kind of good. Once again, only for our residents. But thank you again, volunteers. Wait.

Well, we could, I mean... What is it? residents. But thank you again, volunteers. Wait, uh, well, we could, I mean... What is it? What is it, skunk? I don't like chicken pot pies. Maybe we could have... Do you have a home? Maybe we could have dinner at your place. First off, I gotta ask, is this an advance on me? Because if so,

I can give you the night of your life, but if not, then we're gonna just keep it chill. Night of, like, sexually? Yes! Holy skunk! What else would there be? I'm not feeling that type of vibe. Excellent! Excellent!

Alright, well, you're gonna be coming over and Jenny, we can make you a nice pot of orange. I just made a new pot of orange in the toilet over there. Okay. Jennifer, do you want us to like you or not? What are you aiming towards at any given moment? I was just about to say that's one of my favorite things

Jennifer has ever said. I thought that was very funny. Wait, do you all work at the same place? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. You want to come too? My dear, sweet sir, jury? Yeah, my old lady, would you

like to come? Chalice, you didn't learn her name? I... Missy? Missy would definitely be down to attend. Of course. Honestly, the chicken pot pies here are not great. We could drink some drinks. We could play some games. We could play some games.

We could hear about what it's like to be old. Yes, you could like us so much and like us forever until the day of your death. Yeah, we'll count Rick Fork in. Stick a fork in me. I'm done. Oh, I like that. It's named after him. Everybody.

Wow, the fork. Holy smokes. His name is fork and sir and beef gets on his knees thank you so much for making a vehicle to the mouth it's nothing more than a true pleasure to meet you and he kisses his hand well i it was truly my pleasure i'm surprised seb led with the fact about the laxatives instead of the fork thing. But yeah, happy I could be of service. Well, who's driving? Oh, I can drive.

I can drive. Everybody hop on. Give me a strength check, Chip. In order to carry everyone, and you are very strong. You're a strapping young lad. But we're going to need a strength check of at least 23. Okay. So does a 24 work? Oh,

baby! Are we going fast or slow? Normal. Normal. Alright, I can do it, okay? Not great, but I'm doing it. Chip puts his ass in gear and heads towards bottoms up.

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slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. help help.com slash sitcom D&D. Okay, and before too long, you are back at bottoms up and you and your respective bingo partners are entering into the bar. I pull the crew aside. Oh my God, this is going perfectly. What a good afternoon. We're gonna be so rich. Are we gonna kill them or just sort of wait for them to die from old age?

Speed it up? I don't know if I could kill my guy. He's like awesome and stuff. He's killed everybody or something. I have a lot in common with my guy. We go to bed at similar times. Like we wear similar clothes. We have the same laxatives. We both have been taking afrin

since we were 11 it's it's whoa beef is there something going on between the two of you oh no she made it very no no no and i respect it i respect her hard line in the sand um but i mean your guys's guys are free game so i'll just check on them oh yeah don't mess anything up i like mine but she might be a bad person but like i don't care oh bingo now that's a bingo now that's a bingo because then if you if she dies you don't even have to feel bad and that's what i'm saying i'm sort of in the best of both worlds fun to hang out with now won't care that much if she dies who's, who do we think is the richest? Oh, that's a good question.

Let's do like a game with them where we can learn about them without them knowing. Truth or dare? Yeah. Oh.

We only ask them truths and then every truth we ask them is how much money do you have? Yes. That's good.

That's a good point. I like that one. As you look over, you see that the four of them have just been standing next to each other silently politely kind of waiting oh hello figured you guys would friends and would mingle i figured you guys live together all the time and would talk to each other they weren't mingling at all that was complete silence they must live on opposite corners of the building. Yeah. Well, let's pull up a seat for everybody.

I'm going to start everyone with champagne. Why not? Oh, champagne. That sounds lovely. Can you give me a ninth glass for me to ash my cigarette? Oh, you're going to fit in here. And the champagne is handed all around, and everyone looks pleased as punch. Cool, cool, cool.

We thought we'd play maybe a little game. How's that sound? You old people like games that aren't bingo? Ah, a good competitive game. Yeah, well, nobody wins, except for us when we find out this information. Cha-ching, cha-ching, money dance, money dance. It's very small under the table money dance um yeah we thought we'd play some truth or dare how's that sound ah you can win in a dare that's for sure yes sir chip writes that down

i was once dared to infiltrate the westerners front line myself. A dare I accepted heartily. And took them down, man after man, wave after wave, until there was nothing left but the echoes of screams and blood on my sword. Somebody has to dare me to do that. Somebody has to dare me to do something like that. We have to use our truth. No, no, use your dare on me and make me do something cool. Please. Let's see.

Let's start with the fork guy. It's, well, Mr. Fork or Rick. Okay. Mr. Fork. Mr. Fork. Truth or dare? Dare. Oh, they get to pick.

Oh, my God. I really did forget. I did forget when I pitched this. Oh, my God. I really did forget. I did forget when I pitched this. Oh, no. I did forget. Oops. I dare you. We didn't even have to give them the option of dare.

It seems like we're at a pickle, so I dare you to show me your bank account information. I don't know if I have it on me uh i guess you could just tell us how much money yeah i'll believe you i'll vouch for him i vouch for rick i really have a finance guy that handles that but um oh my god i think in our last meeting he was saying something like i have like 326 000 gold pieces or something like that i think my body went to another plane he has a finance guy yeah that got me thousands those numbers went on and on and on yeah yeah's cool. Yeah, because I didn't know.

I'd never seen it written out. But that's 3, 2, 6, and then 0, 0, 0. Is this one of those numbers that has a comma? It is. So the comma is actually sad. Oh, my God. The prophecy. Oh, OK.

OK. We're having fun. We're having fun. OK having a great start great start and chip my lady never paid any of her employees if she could be she's probably loaded that's rich behavior loaded oh my god okay uh rick i guess it's your turn yeah rick it's your turn if Yeah, Rick, it's your turn. If you want to pick another one of your friends and ask them a truth. Oh, sure. Oh no, Beef, Beef, Beef. What, what, what, what?

Beef, give me a persuasion check. Oh man. He's a 12 plus seven. So he sees Beef kind of indicate towards Madam Embroidery. And he goes, oh, yeah. So Madam Embroidery, truth or dare? Oh, I don't know. I get so nervous with these.

Don't be nervous. What should I pick? What should I pick? I don't know. I was just thinking maybe truth or dare, but truth. I'll do truth. Nice. Okay.

Have you ever killed anybody? Whoa. Whoa. Bold question for a light game. Yes. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, skunk. What?

That's the only part I have to answer. That's a good point. That's true. I'm not really going to protest that. But yeah, I killed somebody, but I don't want to talk about it.

It's you, laxative guy. Truth or dare? Well, I think there's two laxative guys. Yeah, we actually bonded on that. That was kind of what broke through. But I guess Rick just wins, so it must be subs. Okay, so yeah.

Fork or sub? I think I will do truth. Have you ever killed someone? Yeah, many. Yeah. For sure. Kind of, you know, what we heard from the surgery guy that times probably 10 i actually went to sort of the it was kind of like a jazz school but for assassins

and i learned how to kill in a kind of a fluid way that changes every time i can see you look confused it's a jazz school for assassins. Yeah. It's like a jazz school. It's like if somebody were to go to school for jazz, but it's for assassins. It's kind of like, but with darts. You learn the rules, and then you learn how to break them.

Like jazz. Yeah. You use your hands and your feet like instruments. To kill. And this is just not feedback for anyone in particular. Truth or Dare is fun when you keep things light and airy at a party. Death, not necessarily

a need to be a big part of this. If we have to switch to spin the bottle, we can but we don't have to. It could be so fun if one person picked truth or dare and then we all had to answer that one question. Oh. Chalice gives Chip the biggest kiss. and you know what actually

we already asked the question so let's just all go around and just say how much money we have also if we want to go around the circle and just throw out there if you want me to kiss you or not just just let me know well i am i guess willing to answer the question i when i was um at the height of my fame as the Harfoot Contessa, you know, we were bringing in some good dough. So I have about 113,000 gold pieces. Oh my God.

That's another comma number, I think. Are there two commas in that? No. No? Just the one. My dear good sir, knight, sir, my sir is i think it's your turn no it is um i've got nothing in the bank oh but what i do have is a series of trophies oh trophies treasures of battles of your my My battles? My battles.

Oh, okay. Oh, he means of the past, not your battles. So I would thank you, Chalice. I give her the biggest kiss. They kiss when one of them is smart. Sweet. If I had to add up my trophies, my bounties, my valuables, you'd probably be looking at around, well,

you can't put a value in priceless, but 732,000 gold pieces. Oh, in your face. In your face. Oh, my God. Is that bigger or smaller? How many llamas? How many llamas? Just one comma.

Just one, but it's bigger. Oh, my God. Oh, well but it's bigger. Oh my God. Well, that's very cool. Good killing. This is awesome. This is great. This is going so well. And then who else we got? Missy, you're up, girl.

That's right, girl. I did not pay my employees. I treated them like garbage. And I had a... Oh, this is good. This is really good. my employees. I treated them like garbage. Oh, this is good. Wait, hold on. Wait, hold on. She might be going.

Wait, hold on. Yay. I was a successful stylist for the royal families and after the gifts I've been given and some healthy pay we're looking at around 16,000 gold pieces

that's alright no one freaked out about that one I mean now we've heard a lot it's way less hey team can we go over here to the bar for a second and have a little chit chat? Yeah. Don't you guys talk to each other.

Don't say a word to each other. Just say. I don't think they will, Seth. Yeah, we don't have to tell them. Hey, best friends. Yes. I just had a brilliant idea. You know how Jennifer's not here, right?

No, I think she's still on the toilet. Yeah! You know how like whatever we make we split evenly between the four of us? Yeah. For the tips? Yeah.

What if and this is so crazy and it's so crazy because I was going to say this before we found out what everyone was getting money wise and I just remembered

to say it now. I thought it would be so smart and chip you're gonna kiss me about this is if we sort of combine the total and split it four ways yeah who had the least amount of money i don't recall i don't remember it might have been you could have been sad that i'm in but i think no it wasn't me great great great you know what hon for you i'm down i really am down my guy has so much money that even a tenth of what he has would be okay with me i'm not even kidding i'm 100 down plus that way if this only works out with one of the four, we also come away

with something. Great. That's a really good point. Even if one person dies, then at least we split whatever that is four ways. If two people die, we split that four ways. If one person dies and now one of the four of us is absolutely loaded, that would be awful. Yeah. The power dynamics would be off. We're be honest. The power dynamics would be off.

We're geniuses and we all kiss. You look over at the table and they are sitting there silently. Oh God, nothing going on. I find it reassuring. They just kind of stay on ice over there. Wait, I would like to detect, I would like to do detect thoughts.

I wanna know what my lady's thinking right now. Okay. You get inside Madame Embroidery's head. I would like to do detect thoughts. I want to know what my lady's thinking right now. Okay. You get inside Madam Embroidery's head. Yeah. This is exactly what I wanted, to be outside of Sleepy Sunrise Assisted Living, somewhere fun.

Beef, why are you tearing up? I just think I... God, I'm in love with her, and she doesn't want me to touch her. Oh, beef. Oh, beef, honey. Well, you know what? Maybe the more time we spend with her, the better she'll get to know you

and maybe she'll come around. Yeah, maybe. Maybe I shouldn't have started up top with sex or should I have gone backwards i don't know i don't know i feel like you did the right thing that you always do when you go into the assisted living where you just cut to the chase right away you go what is this is this sex or is this friendship and it saved you a lot of time in the past yeah yeah should we maybe try and spend some more one-on-one time with these people maybe try and get them a little bit closer

to us and be a little bit more convincing? Yeah, I think that's a great idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we switch up the combos here? Yeah, anyone feel more compatible with someone else? Strangely, me and the darkness of battles guy, I feel like we... Seb, he's my guy. Back off.

Okay, never mind. Seb, he's my guy. All right, then I never mind. Seb, he's my guy. Alright. And I'm still good with fork. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do this. I can do this. I'll keep mine. Beef, are you sure? Because it sounds like you're in love. I can do this, or I can't do this.

We're going to find out. Alright. Everybody, remember what's at stake here. So much money in Adidas track seats. And kiss. Oh, yes. Missy. Yes?

I had a thought. What if we go up to my room, which smells the best of any room in this place, and you give me a makeover? Oh, my God, I would love to. Dealer's choice, whatever you want to do. Would rather not have a bowl cut this season. It's my one preference. I'd like one season without

having a bowl cut. But other than that, you're a brilliant genius and I would love to have a makeover done by you. Oh my god. Not that you need one, but I would love to do it. Oh my god, look at your hair. It's gorgeous. It's like radiant. Okay, let's go. Let's go. Oh, my God. Look at your hair. It's gorgeous. It's like radiant. Okay, let's go.

Let's go. I brought my bag. Thank God. Okay, we're going. Let's go. We'll go up the stairs. Oh, yeah. And my dear bright sweet knight, maybe we could go out back to the alley and I could show off my homework to you, which is a couple little sword tricks.

Some sparring, huh? Oh, my God. You would spar me. Okay. Yes. Yes. All right. Actually, it'd be nice to my God, you would spar me. Okay, yes, yes. All right, actually, it'd be nice to feel a hilt in my hand. Yeah.

Which part is that? Okay, we got a lot to learn. Hey, Mr. Fork, I would love to show you in my office a couple of prototypes on some inventions that I have. That's's inventions. You didn't tell me you were an inventor. Well, I'm an entrepreneur. It's hand in hand, and I got to keep up with Mr. Fork.

Oh, wow. Okay, yeah, let's check it out. Cool. All right. Beef just continues to sit silently, staring at the skunk while everyone leaves. We'll cut to Chalice's room where she is sat in a nice chair with the barbershop blanket skirt thing around her neck, ready for a makeover.

Okay, now what are we thinking? okay now what are we thinking well um i would love to feel confident and i just want to get whatever you think is best i know that you're passionate about this work so i fully trust you god truly music to my ears and just even hearing that that you trust me like that is just like i don't know that i'm looking at you now and i'm looking into your eyes and i just feel like there's such a closeness there's such a trust here that like i don't know that I'm looking at you now and I'm looking into your eyes and I just feel like there's such a closeness. There's such a trust here that like, I don't know, this is. That's what I'm thinking, Miss 16,000. Missy, have you ever been in love? Just with my career.

And I love that. A woman passionate about her career. And you got to work in that industry for so long and at the top of your game. Incredible. And you got to work in that industry for so long and at the top of your game. Incredible. Honestly, it's been so long since I've had someone as beautiful as you to just kind of be a canvas for me. But look at me going on about myself.

You're the client right now. I want to know about you. So you keep kissing the green guy. Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. I've never heard him described like that. Can I tell you something, a secret about him and me? Yeah. Earlier today, when he said something so smart, I almost said I love you to him. I actually, I clocked that. You did? It was a

pause. Yes. Yes. It almost just like came out of my throat and I just was like, I caught it the last second. But then I was like, why am I holding this back if you love someone why would you not want to say it to them so what's the deal I mean how do you feel do you think you actually love him I don't know it's hard to tell because we've been friends for so long and I'm like how much of that is my friendship love for you and how much of it is I hear I'm hearing so much petting um I feel like it's going so great back there i bet um going incredible but yeah i almost said it and i was like oh it came out naturally but i don't know what if i'm a loser what if he doesn't even like me at all did you say sorry did you say oops yeah oops isn't like you almost said it that's oh yes okay yeah thank god but what is what if he doesn't even

tells me that he's just a friend oh god what happened oh just like that's what i would say if i almost spilled the beans oh my god okay um whoa okay yeah but like i just i'm sorry i i just feel so comfortable around you and I feel like I've known you so long. This is the worst haircut I've ever given. What was that? Let's do a quick reveal. There's no explanation for that one. Remember that you can always,

always shave your head. I guess. She turns you around and you have an exact replica of the bowl cut you got in season one. I'm gonna have to roll for deception here in a second, I think. I love it. 16 plus 6, 22. Wow.

Wow. Oh, honey. I'm so glad I really took a risk on this one, and my fingers just don't move the way that they used to, so I made a few errors here and there that I then, but you just

like you said, it's perfect, so like, you know, all errors have to be woven into the tapestry, and that's what ends up making them look so much more beautiful in the end. And this will give me the confidence to say, I love you to my boyfriend for the first time. I'm sure of it.

And I definitely won't be going into beef stash of chalice wigs that he has for no reason. Yes, I love it. And thank you. What an honor it is to get a, oh, and blue eyeshadow. Wow. I love it. And thank you. What an honor it is to get a blue eyeshadow. Wow. I look great. I'm glad you like it. So those are the sounds I'll probably make when we're fighting.

Those are good sounds. Strong sounds. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Good, good, good, good. There's a whole course on them. That was an expensive one, too.

And he's going to do a surprise attack. Oh, my God. Does a 22 hit. Yes. With a 22, he gets past your defenses, moving faster than lightning, and you feel a heavy wooden sword hit you in the jugular at full speed

out of the blue it does only does one damage oh good good hit i didn't know we had started i didn't realize we had started the enemy doesn't wait the enemy doesn't let you know it's begun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but we're like friends and stuff. So, um... We are? Uh, yeah, yeah. You're one of my closest friends.

You're one of my closest... Oh my god, I'm bleeding. Sad. Wait, sad? I'm one of your closest friends. I barely know you. Yeah, but you know, I like to be friends with everybody'm bleeding. Sad. Wait, sad? I'm one of your closest friends. I barely know you. Yeah, but you know, I like to be friends with everybody I meet. Yes, I like to be friends with everybody I meet, and I try and attack him back.

Okay. God damn it. I rolled a three, but it's plus eight, so 11. He sidesteps and parries and hits you in the throat again. Oh, same spot. Same spot. Oh, same spot. I like the attempt. So you were trying to false flatter me and call me your friend as a lie to distract me.

No, no, no. I mean that. I mean that. You and me, we can be the best of buds. Are you trying to sound like me or did I hit you in the throat too hard? You hit me in the throat way too hard. But I guess I'm starting to sound like you, aren't I?

I could use a friend, if we're being honest. Oh, uh, great. Um, I could be your friend. I'd love to be your best friend, your confidant, your top advisor, your squire, even. I'll be your squire. In order to be my squire, you'd have to have some great accomplishments yourself already. Oh, well, I stopped a wedding. I helped in the death of my best friend. That's not a brag.

What else did I do? I got our business back via a bet that somebody else made because I said no to an engagement. What else have I done? Good Lord, what have I done? Have lord. What have I done? Have I accomplished nothing in my whole life? No, no. I saved my I didn't even save my friend's life. My friend saved my life. I was just useless.

My blood did nothing that day. I should have died. I should have died. Sounds like it. My girlfriend might love me. My girlfriend might love me. My girlfriend might love me. And we're going to cut to... That's brutal.

Yeah. Seb. They're called raccoon butlers. All right. So like, what is it actually though? Raccoon butlers. All right. So like, what is it actually though? Raccoon butlers. Oh. You just put jelly on stuff and they go over to it

and they lick it and maybe they bring it back. Okay, wait, so like if I wanted to get my walking stick, I'd slather it in jelly at some other time and then the raccoon would get it it's a terrible idea isn't it i don't get it okay okay okay let me come up with something else let me come up with something else um they're called raccoon friends i think you should scrap the whole raccoon part what am i supposed to do with 12 raccoons all right oh they're making a mess of this office man i wonder what happened in here i can't tell anyone i keep on saying that i'm planning a surprise party and that's why it's locked all

the time but really it's because it's infested with raccoons. What am I supposed to do? You're smart. Nah, man. I just got lucky. With the fork? That's not luck. It kind of was, man. I had a spoon. I was eating some oats. And yeah, I accidentally left it on this really hot stone. They were doing some blacksmithing work.

And then next thing I know know it got banged and chopped and I don't know what happened to it, but I picked it up and it just had pokers on it. I was like, oh, this kind of would be good for eating. And then I asked them to make a bunch of them and I just started selling them. You changed the world, alright?

Dude, life's not that hard. I feel like you're making it way harder than it is. Life is a struggle every day, all right? If you're not gasping for breath, paddling your legs just to keep your head above water, then you're not me. I don't think I am you, man. You're kind of harshing my vibe, actually.

I don't really I am you, man. You're kind of harshing my vibe, actually. I don't really get your whole thing. I am sorry. And I would like to learn from, you know, you're a calm dude. I want to be calmer. I want to, like, figure that out. I'm obviously hard on myself. And, you know, I don't have a whole lot of mentorship in my life. I feel like people look up to me, but I'm also dumb as a brick, so...

Dude, my advice to you, honestly, it worked for me, so I'll just tell you this. You should invent a fork. Wait a second. You're not smart. You're dumb as a brick, too. Yeah, dude.

Really is just kind of getting lucky, and that's it. I can just be me, right? Nah, you seem really neurotic and stressed. I don't think- Wait, what about a spoon, but it's not quite a fork. It's in between.

We call it a thorn. Oh God, the raccoons are out. Oh my God. Beef gets up and he goes into the kitchen. And then he comes out. With a little plate of sandwiches. And a deck of cards.

And he sets the sandwiches down. And he passes her the cards. And he says, Deal them. What monstrosities did you bring out here? These are my little sandwiches. You call these sandwiches? Yeah, these are little sandwiches.

These are my little snack sandwiches. These are my snack sandwiches. I don't, this is not up to the standard of the Harfoot Contessa, but... Skunky, you don't approve? Well, if you think you can make something better, then have at it, Skunky. No, no, no. I won't be rude I'll at

least indulge and she goes to eat one she takes a bite beef's looking at her give me a we'll give it a performance check beef actually oh my sandwiches oh I got a nat 20 oh

eat the sandwiches I mean it's not the first time nor will be the last that we see a at 20. Oh. Okay. Eat the sandwiches. Out of awesome timing. I mean, it's not the first time nor will it be the last that we see a full-on Anton Ego

Ratatouille moment where I assume it's her eyeball and it's a very simple sandwich but it's just the most pure sandwich that connects her

to her childhood and the first time that someone made her a sandwich which we all know when someone makes you a sandwich it tastes better. Exactly. Her eyes well up with

tears and she remembers why she got into sandwiches in the first place. Oh my god. Oh my god. Did my sandwiches hurt you? I'm so sorry. Don't hurt her. Don't hurt her. Are you okay? You're crying. Are you okay okay i'm better than okay i'm

me wow thank you beef that was truly something else something i'd forgotten could even exist you're welcome that thank you i big words coming from big chef I'm not too proud to say I'd like to know how you made something that's delicious I don't know it's just kind of the beef you know it's a beef sandwich you know you go in normally I sing a little tune to myself

while I'm making my sandwiches because it's the best way to make them a happy Sandy you make sure you got a little bit of something Geez, because it's the best way to make them a happy Sandy. You make sure you got a little bit of something wet, something dry, and something crunchy. Yeah, there's a chip inside of there. That's what you're feeling with the crunch. And then I like to dip it in some applesauce.

Wow, I would have never guessed those flavors. Yeah, wet, dry, and crunch. Well, should we share these with everybody else? No. No. No, no, no, no, no. Did somebody say chip? No, no, no, no. Did somebody say chip? Please

tell me somebody said chip. Absolutely nobody said chip. Nobody said chip? Okay. said chip. Nobody said chip? Okay. Are you trying to get it? What are you trying to do? I just need a friend right now. Oh.

What have I done? Okay, I'm coming down the stairs. Oh, no. And just so you know, this is going to be a familiar but overwhelming haircut that I love, that looks amazing, that everyone's going to say looks amazing. Thank God, Chalice. Oh, my God. I need to talk to amazing. Thank God, Chalice. Oh my God, I need to talk to you and see you.

Ta-da! My f***ing God. I love it because Missy did it. Yeah. What do you guys think? We love it too. We all feel the same. Seb comes back.

I have an eye patch on and I have like a Nick Fury type of scar going on. Holy f***ing s***. What's wrong with your hair? No, he says as a joke. What? Seb, Seb, Missy gave me this haircut for us to bond and I love it. And so do you, right? Mm-hmm. Mm- right? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Are these sandwiches for everyone? No, no, no. I guess so, yeah. Well, we didn't really get to eat much, but it is getting late so if you guys, I don't know

if the rest of you feel, but maybe you guys could take us back and we'd love to just keep doing this. No, no, no. Go home. Please go home. Right? What happened?

I just, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done? Oh, oh, oh, oh. I know what this is. He's having like an existential crisis. Yeah. Because he hasn't accomplished anything.

Oh. Yeah, this happens, this is on earlier than scheduled he normally gets one of these like every few years uh or big blood red moon chalice grabs his hand and leads him over to the bar and she sits on the bar so she can be really like eye level with him and kind of center him she goes hey you've done so much hey look at me you've done so much i haven't gone through the western lines and killed anybody on a day that doesn't mean you haven't done anything you take care of all of us here you throw us when things need to we have to get high up you carry us you drove so many people today, Chip. But nobody was saved.

I didn't save. That's not an accomplishment driving. Hey. What? Beef? Yeah. Seb? Yeah, what's up?

Jennifer? Raise your hand if Chip has saved you. And they're all raising their hands? Yeah. Are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beef raises both of his hands. His belly's sticking out. And you saved me from a bad wedding? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beef raises both of his hands. His belly's sticking out.

And you saved me from a bad wedding? Yeah, see? See, it does count. He said a kid could do it. No. He said a kid could not do it. He said a kid could do it is what he said. I mean, a kid could do it.

No. And you know what? You saved me from having to live with the agony of being in love with you and not getting to be with you. In love? I mean, I love you. And I'm saying it with a bowl cut, and you don't have to say it back today. Actually, don't say it back, because I have a bowl cut. And everyone's here, and everyone's looking. Sorry. No, it's okay. It's okay. You know what? I don't care. I don't care if I've not done anything. I've's okay. I, um, you know what? I don't, I don't care. I don't care if I've not done anything.

I've done this. I've done this. Jalos, I love you. So now can I be your squire? Chip, Chip. Stay in this moment with me, honey. You're right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Have a big moment. There's a lot going on. Stay with me. There's a lot going on. Your hair's crazy. He's turning his head back away from the guy. For a second, I thought he was going to respond with, thank you. This is a huge relief,

honestly. Beef turns to the old people. You know what? It's time to scatter, you losers. Well, hold on, hold on. Wait, no, Beef, I did a good job. You hurt my friend's feelings, my friend Chip's feelings. I don't like that. Beef, I gotta, don't have my bowl cut, Beef, I did a good job. You hurt my friend's feelings, my friend Chip's feelings. I don't like that.

Beef, I don't have my bowl cut, Beef, or nothing. And you gave my friend a horrific bowl cut. I think it's time for you guys to hit the road. Oh, okay. Well, we'll go then. Oh, man, Beef, what did your person do to you? Must have been bad, huh? No, it was actually a beautiful little moment we had.

Oh, my God. The money, Beef. Please. Wait, what? Beef. What? The whole thing. No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Scheme? What do you mean, scheme? No, we mean something else. No, we wanted your money. We your money what are we doing we don't have to do this honesty is the best policy what is cross-stitch and placed above the door honesty is the best policy i've been meaning to take that down me too no he liked it actually when we were honest. We want to be your friends

until you die so you give us all your money. And we will lie to you and we will pretend to be your friends if you give us money. How's that sound? I'll also say Beef was really in love with one of you. So it's not like our feelings were totally disingenuous.

And Missy, I did think you were great. We all, did you, you heard us? We all yelled back and forth about how much we like our one. Actually, I was lying. What? I'm in love with somebody else. And I haven't really talked about it with anybody. Is it Rick Fork?

Is it the guy from last season? You talked about it with us. Have I? Yeah, we. The butler? Yeah it the guy from last season? You talked about us with us. Have I? Yeah, we... The butler? Yeah, the butler. We put you in a room together. Oh, Percy? Percy, yeah, you guys... Oh, okay, then never mind. Everyone knows.

Everybody knows. It's fine. You guys can beat it, though, you know. Oh, gosh. What a waste of a day. What do you mean? How about this? If you guys could kind of host us every once in a while, get us out, I don't know, just let us stretch our legs a bit, have a new area for us to hang, then I wouldn't be opposed

to leaving some money to Bottoms Up when I pass. Whoa, whoa. Really? We could dedicate a booth to you guys. Yeah, we could get you a whole booth. Yeah. Anytime you're in here, we'll shove whoever's in there out and it's yours. Yeah.

Well, that does sound like a pretty good deal. I've never talked to these individuals before, but what do you guys think? God. You guys have never talked? Never saw a need to, but sounds like you guys think? God. You guys have never talked. Never saw a need to, but sounds like a decent plan to me. Oh. I do need a friend. Maybe I could use three of them.

Oh, you could just be each other's friends, and we are the facilitators. Yeah, we could host bingo night. We could host bib night or whatever the hell. We'll name a booth after you when you die, like Beef said. Oh, when they die? I thought we could just do it right now. Oh, yeah. We'll do it booth after you when you die, like Beef said. Oh, when they die? I thought we could just do it right now. Oh, yeah. We'll do it now.

Sorry. That's rude. I'm rude. For the record, I feel very healthy. Wait. Hold on. Coughed up a cigarette. I must have swallowed one in my sleep.

Okay. You're the best. I think I'm intrigued. But maybe before we head out, we'll do one nightcap here. Before we head back, a round of drinks for us, please. No problem.

And they're all talking for the first time in the corner booth to each other, and it seems to be going great. And laughing. They're having like, like you actually see, what's probably the most surprising is that you see Sir Jury like really laughing hard and like opening up,

and it seems really nice. That's nice. You really hurt me bad. I'm so sorry, Chip. I don't think a kid could stop a wedding. I object! And a kid could stop a wedding. I object! And a kid enters. Oh, sorry.

Thought this was the staple. No, that's a couple doors down. They're right. A kid could never stop a wedding. Can I hand him one gold piece? You're right. There's still time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. Say hi to Chop. Two for us. Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Perry wrote the theme song, Waleed and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Maher did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. From episodes like Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-world radio advice show, or Elizabeth's

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